Simple Swedish Podcast - 321 - "RAISED BY CLAMS"

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

Tumour Negotiator, Blood Socket, Piss Vampire, Crank but for Attention, Come Glide With Me, This Is Your Life (With Wolves), Community Leadership (With Wolves), Big Boy in a Small Pond, Ricesavers, Mobile Phone Toy Story, The To Do TravellerYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEffortlessly Classy thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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running out of breath. No, I just lost confidence in the words right in the middle. Alistair remember when we were doing teleport at the comedy festival last year and it was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laa! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laa! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started a work, I said to it's by saying laaah! And I was just one night where for some reason I started, la, I can't really laugh. Oh, that was good times. That was like the second or third last show and we were actually had relaxed enough to actually feel some kind of joy. It's actually be able to fuck up the show. Yeah. Yeah. Where fuck ups were actually noticeable instead of just blending in with the general unprofessionalism. Andy, it's funny that you should bring up

production teleport because we're gonna be doing teleport at the end of this month. That's right, Alistair. We are performing and call it on Kaurai, Sezon. Yeah, I would say so. Yeah yeah I would say that I was and of course season it'll be on a trades haul as part of like a Fringe festival thing Rebound three nights. We're doing three night the 23rd the 25th and the 27th Now one of those is gonna get filmed By stupid old studios the studio of which we are a part of. But it's actually still hard to get them to do stuff sometimes,

because they're busy doing stuff. And so we're hopefully going to get it filmed, but also in order to get it filmed, we're going to need an audience. This one's going to be filmed in front of an audience, unlike Magma, which was filmed in between lockdowns or in lockdowns. Yes, yes. We're going to have people there, hopefully having a good time. Yeah, but it means that either if you saw it,

if you haven't seen it, please come and see it. If you live in Melbourne. Yes. And if you have seen it, please get people to come. Yeah. Because I think might be right now there's reduced capacity, but at the minimum, there's gonna be 60 seats and at the maximum There's gonna be like 120 seats, so like that to fill out per night

So yeah, if you if you've got the kind of butt that can fill a seat Yeah, if you know yeah exactly and even if you want to fill multiple seats, that's gonna be necessary as long Sure So you buy by five tickets and lie down can I buy five tickets and and lie down? It's a great, that should be an option that we add. It's a ticket thing. Instead of a group ticket, we can set you a lying down ticket. Oh, that'll be really nice. You get five seats for the price of four,

and you can really recline. Recline sideways. Yeah. That's right. Rather than backwards, which will be very disruptive to the people behind in front of you. It's considered bad form. So, yes. So, thank you for listening to that. We were now going to the episode. Oh, here we are. We're in the episode. It's always here. Wow. I love this, what you've done with this episode. Yeah. Did you take out a wall? I did. It's an open plan episode. Andrew, yeah.

So, you know, gliding. Yes, yes, it's very much the rolling of the sky. The rolling of the sky. Yeah, I see you're right, you're right. Because I guess people even talk about gliding on roller blades. Now, there are no air forms of air travel that roll through the air. But I put it to you that that must be possible. In fact, I bet you I could design a flying machine. Okay. Yeah. Where it's like sort of like the flying equivalent of a paddle steamer.

And you're in some sort of ball or orb in the middle. Yeah. While around the outside there's a big ring of small wings that spin and sort of climb through the air. Yeah, I think I reckon you could definitely fall in one of those. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, it's probably not that much you would need to do to a paddles theme or to make it. I think if you could just spin that thing fast enough, that big old, is that proud Mary? Proud Mary. Is that the name of the wheel? The name of

the wheel on the boat that has a different name? Now look, I'm not sure. I think because I think they... No, big wheel keep on turning. Yeah. Proud Mary keep on burning. So, so Proud Mary must be the ship. Right. And was it on fire? Yeah. Oh no.

But it was moving forward. Why are they going down to the river? Get some water. Put out that boat. I was going down to the river with my boat, not to take it for a spin. No, no, no. My boat was on fire, and I needed to put my boat out. What's the sketch?

There's going to be a sketch in that kind of thing, right? Yeah, it could be. I took my boat down to the stream, not to go for a ride. You forgot what I said. You forgot what I said. I mean, we have to remember every time we make this show. But Alistair, I mean, see, this is a boat that catches on fire. In a way, I like to think that you've got the fire exactly where you want it, because

you've got nothing to lose, and you can just puncture a hole in the boat. Except you're boat. Except you're boat short, but you can just puncture a hole in it. You're going to lose your boat anyway, right to lose and you can just punch your whole except your boat except your boat sure but you can just punch your whole and give you gonna lose your boat anyway right right you can just you got nothing more to lose the only on that boat sorry nothing more beyond the boat that's a house boat yeah and so you so wait wait the boats on fire yes okay and you you you you can threaten a part fire because you you can just sink that boat. Yeah. The fire You know, it's a long way from land, baby

You've got that fire right where you want it surrounded by water. Absolutely covered. It's like you know It's like the it's like a person having a standoff with a tumor Like sure you can keep being aggressive But you're gonna take both of us out. And that doesn't seem like that's going to be good for you. So I assume you will now cease what you're trying. Is there a sketch in a human negotiator? Yeah. Someone who will come in and try and talk with Tumidana. I mean, have they tried that? It's yeah, I wonder whether the best way to do it would be to allow the tumor to join the body

and to get it to connect to the same, the same communication systems as... I mean, I guess what we're describing is how a disease becomes endemic in the body. In the body. In the body. But from a disease's point of view, it never actually wants to kill anybody. Right? It's in its best interest for you to thrive.

Yeah, I guess it's, you know, a virus, a tumor negotiator would be about giving a tumor a bigger picture. Sure. Because I think it's really just too focused on what's right in front of it right now. And isn't really thinking about it's just it's not a part of the system.

It's the it's like the fragmentation of society. Mm. Yes. There's no there's no common held myth or belief. Yeah, between the tumor and the rest of the body. Good. Yeah. So I mean, you know, you could also say, well, look, tumor, you leave this person to live. We'll take a little bits of you.

And we'll surgically implant you into five more people. Wow. It's interesting. My boy. Yeah. I wonder if it can, is it just like spores? Can you just take a bit of tumor and it's like it's like a propagating a great bond Yeah, you can just take a like a sapling or a sitting like a cutting and Graphed it onto a tree. I don't know if that's the case Too much do feel like they're probably the flesh equivalent of moss You can probably blend it up with some milk and pour it onto the pavement. Yeah, okay. And then it grows some, like a sort of tumor over the tiles.

I mean, it does feel like it's a shame to dispose of them entirely when they could well make, you know, a nice sort of bean bag or something like that, and you could hook them up to a circulatory system in your house. Okay. Give them a little flesh bag. You could probably just have a scoop of stuff that you just put in there once a week. What do you think of a house in which, along with the electrical pipes and the gas pipes,

the electrical pipes, that's what I call it. Cables, wiring in the walls. It's just a blood, there's a central blood system, it's like a house circulatory system. Right? And maybe you don't have a heart in this situation, but what you do, you do have like a little plug and you basically run from room to room,

you get your plug in, you can plug in whatever room you're in And then you know if you need to go to the next room you quickly unplug it You run while you got enough just enough blood to get to the point Important part of the blood is that it gets the oxygen around Yeah, so you've got roughly what like seven seconds before you're past out. Yeah You probably should just have like a little thing that you put onto your chest that squeezes it momentarily and you don't have any blood.

Yeah, I mean, you do have blood, you don't have a heart, it's just blood coming around. Oh, right, right, right. Through little tubes, you plug it into the blood. You know, and it'd be good, you know. It would be, your plug's, it'd be good, you know, it would be, it would be your plug would look a little bit like a draft, maybe this is what vampires have, right? This is vampires, this is a system to normalize vampires into society, right?

So we have blood running through the walls and they have a little thing that looks like a little vampire teeth and there's a little socket there and it plugs in, you know, little fangs that you plug into the socket, and then there's a pipe that goes up there, but, or something like that. Well, what's the teeth for? What's the vampire teeth for? You've chewed it.

I've been talking too much and you've tuned out. I know. Oh, wait, so the plug and the vampire teeth, I thought, at first I thought that was the way to get the blood into your body. Yeah, that's right. So like, I think you clamped teeth onto your neck. Oh, I suppose it first I thought that was the way to get the blood into your body. Yeah, that's right. So like I seen like you clamp teeth onto your neck. Oh, I suppose it could work on that end, but I also thought because fangs look a little bit like

the prongs of a power cord. Right. It'll be quite good to plug into the socket on the wall as well. So it could be fangs on both ends. Like a USB, C cable. But then we can go up your butt. I wasn't sure. So this is for the catch the blood that's coming out of your bleeding. But I get, okay, okay. Now let's say, I suppose if you eat only blood, this is for people who believe we should adapt to climate change. Now what do these, those people think if they get an injury and they're bleeding badly, do they think that they should try and fix the injury, stop bleeding, or do they think that they should just adapt to bleeding constantly? And what we offer to these people is a life where you can just plug in to

blood from the wall. And that allows you to bleed constantly without ever having to fix the thing that's making you bleed. And it's a potent metaphor. I missed the beginning of it because I think I was still thinking about a, you're bleeding butt. And so who are these people? They have people who don't believe that we should try and stop climate change, but just adapt to it. Okay, okay.

And so we should adapt. Okay. So yeah, so they're constantly bleeding from where? Could be their butt. Could be their butt. And could be their elbow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It Could be their butt and could be their elbow, could be their eyes and ears and stuff. Maybe they're bleeding from more and more places all the time. And so then we're sort of saying, well, just adapt like that. And they just have

to start drinking more water and things like that, I guess, to adapt. To replenish the stuff. But then also you're plugging into the the blood house blood system. The house blood. The blood pipes. Getting your blood pipes done. I wrote it down. Thank you. You just want to move on, don't you? Yeah. I think I'm not listening as well. Very understandable. And still, I have changed the topic 20 or 30 times in the last five minutes. And if you're not listening, then neither is anybody. I'm bleeding topic.

That'll do. I'll remember. We talked about a piss fair buyer. A piss fair buyer. I feel like we must have talked about a piss fair. Oh, this show. But they said they bite you sort of near the belly where the bladder is. Yeah.

And they drink your piss. Yeah. They suck at your piss. The people come along and they fide your body. And they're like, there's not a drop of piss in this matter's blood. His bladder is bone dry. And you're still dead, I guess, for some reason. But maybe the body needs a small amount of piss.

Yeah, you can't live, you don't know that. I mean, I imagine if your bladder got completely dry. Completely dried out. It would start crystallizing in there. Yeah, yeah. I know, I don't know what would crystallize out. It would start crystallizing in there. I know, what would crystallize? You probably need a little bit in there just like to prime the pump. It's like a whale.

You've got to keep it wet at all times. If your bladder dries out. You won't be able to free Willie. I don't know. Didn't quite make sense. No, but you know, we we way does come out of the pay pay. Pay pay. Yeah, so yeah, that's good.

What word do you use for penis with your children? I say penis. You say penis? Yeah. Do you ever use mark? No. I told you this is a kid I went swimming with who said apparently, he said that his, their family had called theirs mark.

They go, we don't call it Willie. I never thought of Willie as being a person's name. Oh yeah, I guess so. Yeah, like William. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't go with Mark though. I mean, that's an even more common person's name. Yeah, well, I don't think that that's what they were trying

to avoid. Oh. Because then if they weren't using the name mark, then they would have been using the word mark, which was to mean to like leave a spot on something or like to have a kind of like a smear or something like that. Yeah, sure.

A smear. I call it my butthole mark. Yeah, Absolutely should. I think the show has started talking about butts and stuff a lot more and poop and things a lot more. That's okay, okay. We can't filter. No.

I'm doing a stand-up show tonight in the show. It was called something uncensored. Uncensored. And I find it very funny. Yeah, I love the idea of you getting up there and just being raw with people, being real, you know, saying what we're all thinking. I'm only saying exactly with that. Not having to like, you know. Nobody's going to tell me what I can't say. Although, I would love it if they would tell me what I can say.

Yeah, because that would help with the show. It would help me write a lot of stuff so I could Come up with ideas. Oh, go on. Go on. Tell me what I can say But anyway, did you write down? I didn't write down I feel it feels too obvious You know, you know who would about it feels like would have come up with piss vampire would be the sandspans people feels like

Jackson Bailey has probably spent hours of his life discussing piss vampires People who need to drink piss to stay alive to keep keep staying immortal Immortal immortalityortality. Yeah. It's not weird. That they're immortal, but they got a drink blood or else they'll die. Yeah, but do they have to drink blood? They have to drink blood or they just really, really want it. Yeah, or do they, or do they just, yeah, that they feel really bad if they don't?

Because I guess there's some situations where they seem to at least drink rats blood or something like that. Yeah, yeah, to get by. The other major touchstone of this show, apart from butts and hoops and stuff, is obviously crank, the movie crank that Dr. Ress has seen, Jackson's statement. And he's kind of a vampire principle, right? Then if he needs to keep experiencing a adrenaline or whatever to stay alive. Stay alive.

You know, that's kind of like having to drink things. Blood. Blood. But he's racing against the clock because they're also going to die. Mm. Yeah, again, so it's not really immortal. Yeah, he's not, he's kind of, yeah, he's on very limited time unless he keeps doing that.

But maybe that's what vampires are as well. I feel like, and yeah, look, we've come up with too many different versions of crank, particularly considering it's a, maybe we haven't seen, but, you know, one in which you had to have, keep having like a particular type of conversation with people.

Mm. Or else you die, you know, you need to be having a conversation about cryptocurrency. Oh, man. This is the problem. Is it? Once you do start talking about cryptocurrency,

it's the worst thing because you go, oh, I, I know things. And then you keep saying things. And then you're like, I've become somebody who says things about cryptocurrency and I actually don't care. Yeah. Yeah, especially when it's down. I become somebody who says things about cryptocurrency and I actually don't care. Especially when it's down. But yeah, so would you really wanna have a movie? It's crank, but really God,

I have to have conversations about cryptocurrency. No, I don't like that idea at all. It doesn't seem like it's enough in challenge. There's gonna be something where it's really hard to keep people talking about it. Mmm, sure. Yeah. It'd be pretty hard to get people to keep talking about you.

Yeah, so it's like cranked instead of a drennel and he needs validation. Yeah, a real deal. He'll die. He needs attention. Yeah. Oh, I mean, this is very, this is very He'll die. He needs attention. Yeah. I mean, this is very, this is very current, this is very modern, this is very satirical,

deeply satirical. Okay. So, you know, he's got some kind of maybe some sort of self-esteem disease, right? Where his self-esteem will crash like to critical levels and he will die unless he receives constant praise and validation. What do you think is the is the justification behind it like as in how does it how what's a mechanism? For it knowing that you are getting attention for it knowing that you are getting attention. Like, is it? I mean, we just make up some brain chemical, right?

Which is the chemical that, you know, the scientist early on explains is the thing that tells you that you're being approved of or something like this. Yeah, that gets released. And you know, we get it from our parents when they first praise us. Psychonase or something it that. Yeah, they get released and you know, we get it from our parents when they first praise us. Psychonase or something that's called, you know, and it's particular receptors in the brain and that's the count.

And we've got a machine attached to those receptors. Yeah. If they stop moving. Mm-hmm. I'm going to forget where these are put these things. And so, you know, what you do, what you can, you start out and you're just tweeting stuff about, you know, times that you challenge people in the supermarket for doing the wrong thing.

And, you know, that gets a bit of traction online, but then people start saying that that didn't actually happen. And then you've got to go to the other. You've got to start doing videos where it's you actually talking to people in the thing. And then you've got to do crazier and crazier stuff. Videos where you actually talking to people in the thing. And then you got to do crazy, you're in crazy. Yeah, but you give money to people, you know, videos where you take 20 minutes to show people. I saw one the other day where it's like they took, they were like, this is a cool thing that you can do for a cake, a wedding cake.

And they're showing how you can put different oozy kind of like liquid coverings of a cake. What's the call icing? Ice cream. But then you put them in this jar at the top. And then at the end, you lift the jar and then all oozes down over the cake, right? And they put different layers of color.

Yeah. But then the whole video was just that it's gonna take you 20 minutes to watch through this and they're going to keep delaying pulling this thing up so you can watch it drip. So that you've watched. That's that's some particular kind of Instagram model isn't it? Facebook, yeah, where they get more or money or something like that. Money or attraction or something if they can just keep your attention for a certain amount of time. Yeah, I saw one of those that was just a woman putting a whole lot of food in a toilet saying that it was making some kind of recipe or something and I'm like, what is? Like you're just watching

and like, what, what, what, and that's what passes. That's what the artificial ecosystem that we've built is incentivizing people to make, not things that have any value, but that just activate the part of your brain that goes, wait, huh? What is this? And then at the end, you go, oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh. Like at the end of this cake one, they'd put so many sprinkles and stuff like that on it, at the top, that it just kind of mostly just clumped on top of the cake and they were like so there you go Oh, that's great that you know that'd be perfect for a wedding day to really add a little sparkle to Things like that it looked terrible and then underneath everybody's like why did I watch it? Mm-hmm. Yeah 20 minutes. Yeah, and millions of views probably. I think it definitely had hundreds of thousands. Yeah, and

This is I think this is what we need to get into Well, who's to say that this isn't that? I mean it could be on some level exactly. I mean, I guess it's just us describing that Cribing that Yeah, it's better Well, but we were putting in the context of a crank movie. Yeah We'll see if Jason Statham is in is in any way interested. I like our Christmas with the crank idea where you have to experience a certain amount of festive joy Constantly festive joy otherwise he'll die and his family are called the cranks Otherwise he'll die. And his family are called the Crank's, named after the movie that he said,

I guess, Crank was it would have been his last name, or he married into the Crank's. Yeah, so he may happen to marry into. He took his wife's name, cement the crank, Sally Crank. Sally Crank. cement the crank. Sally crank. Sally crank. But anyway, rolling, no, gliding. You were talking about gliding.

That's right, yeah. I mean, you can do it on wheels. We sure that's not just rolling? It is rolling, but they would say I was gliding along. Yeah, sure. Okay. Maybe it's pretty smooth. Maybe that works if you're, you know, maybe it's just a metaphor, you're just talking about, you know, if you were to picture the fact that there were no wheels, that's how, that's how, I guess it feels like, you know, when you're in an aeroplane, like a commercial airliner or something, you know, how long do

you think that the passengers would have to cheer or shout or whatever it scream really loudly before the pilot would be like, okay, I'll turn the engines off for a bit and we'll glide for a while. You know, I like to think of that as being like one of the menu hacks in McDonald's, right? It's not on the menu, but you can technically get it. Well, this isn't on the menu. This isn't part of the flight plan, but technically, they can actually glide for a good, you know,

20 minutes out of most long haul flights. Yeah, yeah. And it's fine, you're safe. So, and you've got to encourage them. And it's fun. You got to encourage them, too. So, yeah, I guess first you've got to convince enough of the people in the cabin that it've got to encourage them. You've got to encourage them too. So yeah, I guess first you got to convince enough of the people in the cabin that it's going to be fun.

Mm. And then you see it was like a great YouTube prank. You called down the one of the attendants, right? And you say I'd like to ask for the special, right? So it actually is a feature, but it's they don't put it on the menu. Yeah. And they say, I'm sorry, I don't know, you know, this special get the captain. I'm thought, I'll talk to the captain. The captain comes to I would like a direct line to the captain. They bring a phone. There's another button there that has the captain. Yeah. Never seen that before before or they bring that out on that button comes out separately on a little

Thing like the like the red box that the president uses to launch nuclear And there's just a weird thing in the terms of the conditions terms and conditions Let's say they actually can't stop you from talking to the pilot while he's flying. You have a right stop you from talking to the pilot while he's flying. You have a right. Right, that's so once you ask for the special, the phone comes out, you pick it up and you go, we would like to glide for a few minutes. Yeah, and I have the required 51% of the passengers

agree with me, and that's all you need. That's right. It's just an absolute majority. 50, say 51 of the passengers? Yeah, 51% of the passengers. I guess it could be a plane that has a hundred people on it. Sure. I mean, that would make the math a lot easier. Or it could be a plane that has a thousand people on it, but they've actually set the bar really low. You only need 5.1%. You only need 5.1%. You know, they go, oh, that's cool. I love that. Yeah.

So, you know, you've... Yeah, and then the, I mean, part of the thrill then would be how angry the rest of the passages are, the whole time that you're gliding. Yeah, that would be really fun. But I guess you get them to glide down rather than up. Yeah, I don't think gliding up is an option. I think down is is absolutely the packet. But think about it because if you glide up, you eventually run out of y'all or whatever it is.

Y'all y'all, I don't know what's here. Days of y'all. And then you you you stall, which I guess your engine's already off. Right. So then Okay, you go up and then you really start to tip downwards and really start to go down and that's when it would like It's like hitting the top of the roller coaster And then once you start going on that's what the fun is you put your arms up in the air and you scream And then once you start going on, that's what the fun is. You put your arms up in the air and you scream.

It's calling me again. I'm sorry I'm going to go. It's okay. I'm going to do, of course. I will have no problem doing this episode on my own. So I guess we'll write down this thing here about getting secret menu item on Secret Menu Item on Plane, which is allowing us to glide. They have to do it. They have to do it. I have always thought about people who have been raised by wolves, but it always seems

that they eventually leave the getting raised by wolves, wolves scenario and then become integrated into regular society. But I think that we probably shouldn't always get rid of the wolf parents. You know, I think there should be somebody who, Andy's back. Yeah, hello. So, you know, like, you know, when there's people raised by wolves, but then eventually, they take them away from the wolves so that they can live a regular life. Yeah. And I think that they should at least have the options of bringing

the wolves into society as well. Because we know that they're okay around at least the kids. Yep. A full wolf die care. There should be a raised by wolves die care. They should be. Yeah. I mean, even if it isn't a daycare, we were actually raised by wolves, just a great nine for a daycare. Hmm. Maybe all the it's a it's a cute name for a daycare where all the carers or predators. I guess that's it will also be a book about, you know, somebody growing up within the Catholic system or something like that. No, okay. Yeah. I mean, it probably is.

I mean, I'm just having terrible ideas that I don't want to discuss. But these, I mean, you never hear anything about a wolf that was raised by people and thinks it's a person. And no, no, wait, that's just dogs. Sorry. I'm probably also some wolf just came up with the idea for dogs. You know, keeping dogs as pets and things like that, take them away from their kids and bring them into society. But, um, I mean, that is, that is the, you know, that is the very clear flip. We think it's amazing when a dog is, when a person is raised by wolves. But when a wolf or, or a dog is raised by humans, that's, apparently, that's not enough. Yeah.

I'm getting another phone call. That's okay, it's because it's it's an old renovation based. Well, then we have to find the funny bit of this wolf thing. I guess it's a it could be a show like a this is your life where a person is reconnected your life where a person is reconnected with the wolf pack that raised them. Now of course to do that they would probably have to find the wolf pack in the wild and then catch them and transport them to a TV studio, something that would probably anger all the wolves. So I guess in the end it ends up just being a sketch where you know, the audience members that are watching this show and what would probably be you know like a big audience like Oprah has and stuff like that all very open. I guess you don't see a lot of shows where the where the audience is behind sort of

fencing and cages and things like that, but it'll be very open and Then the wolves probably start attacking everybody maybe Even the person that they raised but there could be a nice heartwarming moment there where they are Haring into the flesh of everybody in the studio and then they make you know, maybe the The leader of the pack, who I suppose at this point would be quite old compared to the rest, you know, for a wolf. I suppose if this kid was raised by wolves and then became an adult, that's 20 or something years, which is probably, I don't know if wolves live that long. But I guess you do picture an elder wolf to be at least 20.

It's I think it's just something, it seems crazy to do a little bit. At least 20. At least 20. You'd hope, you'd hope to be the- But then they can't be, they can't reach 20 because you think a dog that's 20 years old, living in captivity with veterinary care

and that sort of thing, not having to fend for itself, there's no way that dog's making it to 20. I mean, that would be a really unusual situation. So I think your standard wolf, I don't reckon it's living more than eight years in the wild. That's a tough life out there. So, yeah, I mean, for a kid to be raised by wolves and to make it to adults, they very quickly become the oldest wolf in the pack. You could get to the top very quickly within 15 years, and this does also seem like another

sketch, which is how to become a leader quickly. You know, in one way, would be to climb through the ranks through a wolf pack. Sure. Because there's short lives. You know, and you don't have that thing where it's like there's kind of boomers who staying in the business for a long time, you know, until they're in their 80s or whatever. I think it would be very frustrating being a young

wolf growing up in the pack and knowing that the leader is a boomer, a human boomer. A human boomer who is never going to move on and that what are the chances of you during your short wolf life lifespan? Yeah, I guess the only thing that would give you an edge is the fact that you're a big wolf. You're a wolf fish. And that you could challenge for the leadership. Yeah. And assuming the human is just a regular human with that.

Doesn't have a gun. You've got nothing like that. You know, you could either attack it through some kind of challenge or just attack it while it's sleeping. What about this raised by fish, right? And it's a kid who's abandoned in a rock pool. Yeah. A young person.

And then they're raised by a school of fish. It'd be great if there was a type of fish called the wolf fish or something like that. There probably is. But I don't know if they live in rock pools, but you know, and this kid in society finds them and they're real soggy and stuff. It's super wrinkly. So we got to dry them out.

Yeah, you don't. You would think that it's an elderly person. Yeah, they're almost unregionizable. You know, they got algae on them. They've been there for? No, they're like 13. 13 minutes? 30 minutes.

No, so they're 13 and they were dropped in there, what, when they're three or something. Yeah. And so, and in the 13 and now they're just waterlogged. Yeah, and I think it'd be such a great transformation, you know, as you dry them out there, put them in a big kiln or something for a while. Just let them probably put them in a bag of rice. In a bag of rice, that's what you do. You know, just let them absorb it, just stand.

I think already it would be nice. You see those big bags of rice that, the big size ones that you can get from the supermarket. Body bag of rice. Yeah, think about that We already think it would be feel pretty nice to just put your foot in there foot. Maybe some of your leg Is this anyway a sketch where like it's bond. I rescue right and they drag someone out of the water They put it in a bag of rice

Could be good. I mean feel like the sand would be enough. Yeah, sure dry sand Yeah, yeah, then again sand doesn't absorb water. It's just, I mean, something that, you know, like, that obviously really dry sand does. But the sand granules themselves don't absorb. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, I guess it would work with a robot. If robots could swim right at the beach.

Yeah. And then one of them drowned. They would have to drag it out and put it in a bag of a big, big bucket of rice, the Bondi rescue type people. I mean, this could be a scene in a Futurama, you know, where a robot is swimming outside the flag. Bender would probably do that because he's a rebel. Benders there swimming outside the flags. Yeah. He does what he wants. He drowns the robot lifeguards straight to the bottom.

Right? The robot lifeguards drag him out somehow. They drive along probably in a little tractor on the bottom of the ocean because they're also heavy. See, they won't float. What do tractors? The robot lifeguards. They're all heavy. They're all. What do the road bot lifeguards, they're also heavy. Oh, the robot lifeguards.

They pull them out and then they get them back to the shore and they put them in a big bag of rice, just seen for future hour. So yeah, that's good. I think that would even work as a rain mitch. But in our rain mitch? Yeah, I'm gonna tape in big bag of rice for... When are we working on the project? Big, bag of rice for...

When are we working on the project? Remember you and I and I think Chris Kennett and Justin Kennedy and maybe Toby Halligan all came up with an idea for a Pixar film which is about mobile phones, right? And they've personified mobile phones and they're the mobile phones that get abandoned in a drawer, right? And they've personified mobile phones and they're the mobile phones that get abandoned in a drawer, okay? And they, you know, and what they learn is that, you know, that it's not about connecting on the internet, it's about connecting in person, they meet up with

other phones and they have real experiences or something. This would be a great scene in that film. Oh, but especially like, yeah, so it's all the phones that no longer have SIM cards. Yeah, yeah, not connected to the network. They can't look anything up anymore. Hmm. And they feel, I mean, it's really toy story with, it's exactly what it is. That's great, because I think it's about time that we can get animated movies just for adults. Just for adults. It's all jokes that kids won't enjoy or get.

You know, I think. Or it's an adult film with a couple of little jokes in there for the kids. So it's a quite full on and violent and sexual. There's a couple of little things in there that the kids will laugh at. So like really sexual mobile phones. It's dreamily. They have genitals. phones? Sure, it's drivally. They have genitals. Well, no, they don't have genitals,

but what they do is they play a video of genitals, you know, compatible genitals of one form or another, and then they rub their screens together. But couldn't they just be putting chargers up inside each other? Of course, charges. Yeah. They do have orifices, don't they? Yeah. I forgot.

Be a great scene where they're swimming in this scene with the Bryce. One of them blows a whole lot of air out of the stereo plug on the top like a whale. A whale's blue hole. Oh yeah, what's the stereo plug? Oh, the stereo jack it's been so long isn't it? I can blew to count over here. Never has it plugged in a no I plug anything on Staley to 3.2 millimeter Stereo Jack No, I do it almost daily all right Stereo Jack would also be a he could be one of the characters in this

Could just be all motor roller Could just be all defunct. Hello Moto, everyone would say to him, all defunct electronic technology. Oh, a few Nokia's. I mean, that Nokia one that they released really early on that looked like a gaming device. No. But sounds good.

Did it slide? It might have had some sliding. Hmm. Right. It was before I think like maps were integrated in these things. It was pre-iPhone. Yeah, man. Imagine being a GPS manufacturer when they started putting GPS in mobile phones.

I would not have been able to sell my fucking shares quickly enough. Oh right, a GPS manufacturer, not like, not the ones who is selling the GPS to the mobile phone company, so they can put them in there. You're making handholds. I'm sweet.

Not, you're making handheld GPS systems. You're like, all right, well, let's just ride this out until it ends. It's like, you know, this shower's running out of hot water, but you know what? I'm gonna stay in. I'm staying in until it's cold. Do we have words from a listener? We do, Andy.

We do. You know, this is the first time, maybe no, it's not, but I've hit a second page with our pad. But today's words, Andy, are from, do you wanna guess what listener they're from as well? Yeah. Lisa. Brandana wits. No, it's the tempest,

Marauder. Tempest Marauder. Ah. And tempest has sent us through three words. I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners and some of them can support us Yes. And Tempest has sent us through three words. I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners, and some of them can support us on Patreon, and can send in three words from a listener, usually them.

I love it. It's a great idea. We should do it. Yeah. And so, Tempest has sent in three words. Would you like to guess what the first one is? Um, think simple. Tooth. Close. Tirt, close to you RF. All right, well that's still simple. It's close, it's time. Time, oh okay.

Time, two, time two. No, incorrect. Travel, time travel. Traveling. Time traveling. Time traveling time traveling Creamery Rivals Creamery creamery was good. It could be time traveling creamery rivals. Yeah. Two people who are making...

Making milk thicker. Wait, is cream already part of original milk? Yes, it is. And then you take the cream out. Yeah. And then you make the cream into its own product. Cream. Cream.

And then you can sell maybe what's left over possibly as low fat milk. Maybe I'm not sure if that's how it works, like if you can just take the cream out. Yeah, what about double cream? Right, value adding that double cream is where you take normal cream. Yeah. And then you put some more cream in it. Because like, it seems crazy. isn't it? No, no, no, no, no, no, you make double cream. You don't. I mean, regular cream, I think you have to, you can sit, sit the milk, maybe, and the cream floats to the top.

Right. Right? And so then the very bottom, is that? And then you might take that off. Maybe you take that off, right? You sit that for a bit, double cream comes to top. Oh, it's the cream of the cream. Could be the cream of the cream.

Oh, that makes sense. But then what's left behind of that? What do they do with that? That's half cream, really. Whatever that double cream rises to the top of, what's left behind, surely that's half cream. Nobody sells half cream. Nobody sells. Alice. Alice.

I'm a brains man real slow. Yeah, that's all right. At least you're not getting several phone calls. Yeah. This one was about the deck from the most Australian sounding man I've ever heard in my life. Can you change the accent? Yeah, I, you're talking about the It was a decade you're getting you're gonna get yeah, that doesn't sound Australian that sounds like there's a huge speech impediment. Yes Unless that's what you think being Australian is yes, it's very inclusive So time traveling rivals. Hmm imagine Doing playing a game of hide and go see. Through time. Through time.

Through time. Right, but I guess the idea is that you're both using time machines that are in the same room. So when you travel back, you can just see the person has to be, I guess, sort of within 15-minute meters of view. So you just go forward back, it's just looking. You're not moving. You're just sort of looking out,000 meters of year. So you just got your Ford back, it's just looking. You're not moving.

You just are looking out of your time machine. I guess you could be looking for any evidence of them. Let's say they go 26 million years in the past, right? And then you go 26 million years, 126, 100 years. Now, I don't think this was explored because the TV show, Loki, that was on Disney Plus recently, had a bit of this kind of thing, right, with people hiding in different time periods. Yeah.

And that ends. And they had things about splitting the time stream and going off into different nexus events, right? So you'd change something in the past and that splits time into two different passes where it did or didn't happen. And, but I don't think they had anything because this would be a great kind of thing, right? Would be to, if you're, if you're being chased by somebody, right, so somebody comes to get you in this room, you'll come to get me. That would never happen to you. Yeah,

or well, okay. So you're sitting down at the moment, right? And I can somehow, if I could just somehow, metal with time, so that that chair, you never bought that chair, okay? Yeah. And then you just fall to the ground. And be a great little sort of little thing you're running towards me and I'm metal with time. So you've had an enormous bulkhead installed, right? You just smash your head into it as you run towards me. Yeah, I guess it's just like, what I have to do

is I have to go back in time. Yeah. And organize some builders. You see all of this play out. Well, I guess we don't. Order some builders, get some plans when I get the permits approved. Get a huge bulkhead installed in your shed. Sticks out just a head height, right? It's done there.

Sign off and pay the invoice. Thanks very much, guys. Go back to the real time. Wow, you smash your head on the thing. I think that's a really funny scene. That's a very funny scene. And because it's like, I imagine that the way that you see it play out at first

is just you see the guy running towards you. Maybe the idea is that you're telling somebody that we can't afford to bring you also into on this time traveling trip. And they go, well, you promised me that I would get to come. Like this, right? So then they start flipping out, right?

And then as they're flipping out, you go, don't flip out or else I'll put on my to-do list that I never bought that chair that you're on. And you know, I'll go back in time, make sure you never bought that chair. And then he writes it down. And then suddenly the chair disappears and falls to ground. He falls to the ground.

Yeah. You get up and start running at me. And he goes, oh, like that. And you start writing, you know, like you're gonna do a bulkhead like that. Yeah.

And then, and then it might cut to it, showing you going back in time, going, all right, we got to build a little bulkhead like that. Yeah. And then the might cut to it showing you going back in time and going all right We got to build a little bulkhead like that Yeah, and then it flashes back and then it goes Then you go Like that and it gets knocked to the ground. I mean would it would it be

good if the show started out With the sketch or whatever just starts out with me just getting the bulkhead installed. Right? And it's just that scene, just plays out and it's quite a dry scene. Right? Yeah. If we're getting the bulkhead installed. So the whole story plays out linearly. Right? Yeah. Chronologically, get the bulkhead installed.

And then later on, you the bulkhead installed. And then later on, you're running towards me and you smash into, we have the argument and then you run towards me and then the bulkhead appears and you smash into the bulkhead. Yeah, I think it could be possible. I think my problem with even my version is that, I suppose if you did it way in the past, then while they're running,

it won't just appear in that moment. Yeah, but there's something about the way time works in this. Yeah, and so that's why in my mind, the thing that's kind of actually changes the future is when you write the thing down. You write them at night. Yeah, write the thing down. Yeah.

And then suddenly that's the thing that secures it for. And that's why it kind of appears just then, even though technically it would have been. But I guess if it wasn't, if it was already there, then you wouldn't have written it down. You wouldn't have written it down. So then in order for it to work, it has to only appear once you've written it down.

Yeah, but why would it only, so it's me writing it down that makes it appear appear it appears as soon as I finish writing it down Yeah, yeah, that's yeah, that's that has a logic to it. Yeah, that I find appealing. Yeah Guys, I think you run into a dead end. Yeah, I think you go quick Fund a team of scientists to invent rocket boots and and put them on my feet. I mean that you know or I know I that's good but I do like that it's just also quite mundane things that you have to do that it's just quite hard work know, going through the thing of like chipping away at the bricks to put it some little stairs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a little, you gotta do it all by the book as well. Yeah, you gotta put in a door or something like that or put in a, or remind yourself to put a bat to hide a bat behind this door here. Yeah. And then you gotta do it, you know, from when you go back in time.

So you gotta do it, go back in time to like 10 minutes before you run into this guy or whatever like that. So there's all these little jobs you gotta do. It's just errands. It's just errands. Time traveling. Yeah, I mean, every time you see stuff appear like that in a time travel type show.

You never see all that hard work. It goes into it. You'd end up spending like 90% of your life is spent just trying to get stuff done, get stuff done so that you're prepared for this couple of little chases you're involved in in the future. So much of that. That would, that would increase the workload of your life so much more. But in order to, well, I guess they'd be a contracting system, right? You wouldn't be having to do all of this yourself.

They'd be a company and you wouldn't be writing a list on your phone. You'd be texting it or you'd be typing it into an app, right? And they do all that work for you and it costs a lot of money. You have to pay in cryptocurrency, obviously. The only money that travels through time. Yeah. I wonder if there is a way. Chrono currency.

Wonder if there's a way to travel to send emails back in time. I wonder that too, Alistair. I think we've got to wrap this up. Okay, fella, you should read out the sketch ideas. All right, I really interested. Is that a thing we've gone back to do? Yeah.

That's great. All right. Well, we've got tumor negotiation tour. And this is either somebody who's figured out how to talk to tumors, or you've had to connect your tumor to your own brain and then try to get the tumor to Accept it as part of the body and then get it to work together rather than just completely take over You know and you promise that you'll feed it stuff things like that Maybe you'll get one of your food pipes to go over to it as well Like that. I'll give you direct access to the food pipe. Yeah, you don't need one of the food pipes

How many food pipes do you think tell you? You'll create a new food pipe. Yeah, right. You'll use the same method as you used to create a like a bypass on the heart. Yeah. But you'll just allow a little bit of food go there. Just a really small and test time. Okay. Then we've got a bleeding constantly and just adapting.

That's a climate change. Mm. Metaphor. Metaphor. Then we've got piss vampires. Then we've got crank, but you need attention or you'll die. Then we've got getting secret menu item on plane, allowing us to glide. Then there's, this is your life reunion with the pack of wolves. Yeah, right. The wolves kind of end up attacking everybody, but until eventually you make eye contact and they recognize you. There you go. You probably would have to piss, I think.

You know, to smell. Yeah. Maybe you'd have to pull your pants down and let it smell your butt. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Then we got become a community leader faster by joining a pack of wolves. You got to get experience in leadership. That's right. The fastest way is by becoming... Then we got raised by fish slash clams. I put that in there. That's a beautiful addition. That improves a lot. You're just lying there filtering stuff out of the water. Squeezing it through your teeth,

right in spite of the gloves. That's good. That's good. And then we got big bag of rice. Rice for robot saved by robot lifesavers. That's a good bit for the future, Alma. Yeah, absolutely. When they bring back one more season, then we got mobile phone toy story. Yep. And then we got time traveling stuff that makes things appear when you write things

on your to-do list. I just couldn't figure out exactly how to write that down. So you described it perfectly. I mean, you described that so perfectly. I wouldn't be surprised if you went back in time and spent weeks working on that. I think it probably will. And then it'll be a peer right here, a full script. And here we are.

So, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, booch, Spongebob, spongebob, spongebob, spongebob. Baby, you are my only one and only, and I ever wanna see you then. Don't forget to get tickets for Teleport this Feb, but if you've already seen it and you're actually bored of it, then save up your money in case, and if want to see us do my client is innocent at the comedy festival tickets are on sale now we're working on it today it's gonna be good. And also yeah we came up with some really good bits today and then also there's a

me and Matt Stewart are also doing a stand-up show split which is not gonna be anywhere near as fun. But no, no, it's going to be really, really fun. But I do know how much fun I meant when I meant by that was it's going to be really fun in a stand-up way rather than a long single sketch kind of way. I assume that's what you meant. I won't. You said it won't be fun. I didn't mean fun. I just meant I get it, Alistair. And we're talking in a sketch context. Yes. And apologies for the late Patreon content this month, or for last month. Some of it's up there now and there'll be some more very,

very soon. We're going to do right by you. We're going to make it all right. That was silly. That was, we just didn't know what time of year it was and we got lost and we apologize. Yeah. And we love you. Are you working way too hard for way too little? There's never been a better time to consider a career in IT. You could enjoy a recession resistant career and a rewarding field with plenty of growth opportunities and often flexible work environments. Go to mycomputercareer.edu and take the free career evaluation. You could start your new career in months, not years. Take classes online or on campus, and financial aid is available to qualified students, including

the GI Bill. Now is the time. Mycomputercareer.edu. Now is the time, mycomputercareer.edu.