Two In The Think Tank - 323 - "ABSOLUTE ZERO SPACE BUG"

Episode Date: February 17, 2022

Get Tickets to TELEPORT, 3 nights only (Feb 23-27), at Fringe Rebound HERE (please)Tickets are also available to "My" "Client" "Is" "Innocent" at MICF from the end of MarchSketches TBCYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastJoin the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereThanks Classic to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Bye. Gamit. I've got them crocodile legs. I'm sticking out like two little pigs. I've got them crocodile legs. I like them wild and just like pigs. I've got crocodile legs. Yeah.

Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy and I got those crocodile legs. And I got that. Sticking out. Ham pit. I'm going to be a man lit. And so on. A ham pit.

Is that what you said? A ham pit? Uh-huh. A ham pit. Think about it. Where you put all your ham. I'm thinking about it, Alistair. And I don't, you know, we make furniture from the outside of animals.

Yeah. From the leather. Wait. You know? Yeah. Nice bit of pig leather. But I don't think that we make enough furniture. Do they use pig leather?

No. No, they don't. No, they don't. And I wonder if the reason is because it would be too much like human flesh. Human skin. I guess you would tan it or something. Is that what tanning is? You leave it out in the sun, let some melanin come out of it?

That's how you get that nice brown football? Yeah, that's exactly what it is. That's the full process. Yeah? Correct. Yeah. Just kind of rub some coconut oil on it. Sort of spritz a mojito on it.

Would you like a chair? This is a new chair, right, that I'm going to market, and it's called Daddy's Lap, okay? And it's a chair that's basically designed like a big man's lap. And if you want, you can donate your legs to it. You can donate your legs to Daddy's Lap. But we make it a bit bigger so that when you're growing up you can sit on it and it's sort of proportionally like you're a little kid sitting on there and uh and it's made it's coated it's covered in in beautiful pig leather

so that you can pig leather. So that it's, you know, it's a bit more human-like, the legs. He's got his big knees there, daddy's lap. It's not sexual. There's nothing sexual about it. No, of course not. It's daddy's lap, Andy. Why did you feel the need to say that?

But I think it might be built with pistons or something so that it can bounce up and down. Pistons? Like you're riding on a... So you can bounce up and down on Daddy's lap. i can be like a jigger jog thing you can do a jigger jog what a jigger jog is you know you don't do a jigger jog with your kids is it you put them on your knee and you bounce them up and down you say jigger jog jigger jog jigger jog jigger jog jigger jog and then you say whoopsie do and you let them fall down and it's a little bit like you're letting your child plummet but you know it's micro dosing it's micro dosing neglect in that your kid just falls a small way

and then you catch them and they love it no no i put them on my knee and then i go the classic way jig a jog jig a jog Maybe there are Maybe there are different But they plummet to their death Different dialect What is yours? Mine's horse riding

What's yours supposed to be emulating? But like there's some kind of cliff It's like a Yeah, I guess there's a cliff Or you're falling off the I guess you could be falling off the back of a horse It's a little plum Yeah, I guess there's a cliff. Or you're falling off the... I guess you could be falling off the back of a horse. It's a little plummet. You know, it's a plumette. I think you've got to travel more than three metres.

You're thinking of a full plum. I think you have to travel more than three metres to plummet. Why does it have et on the end then? It's a small one. Plumette. Is it E-T-T-E? Yeah, that's right. That's what I was saying.

Plumette would be actually... You might not have... That would actually be a very small plum. Yeah, that's right. Anyway, is Daddy's lap... A sketch idea. It's not sexual. I don't even know why I'm telling you nobody would even think

i mean yeah i think the tv ad from the furniture salesman marketing daddy's lap uh okay but you're picturing people actually sitting on the legs. Yeah, you're sitting on the legs. What about like it could just be a big bended knee and then you're sitting on a kind of like a cushion in between the two legs like that. Yeah, that would work as well. That's, you know, that's one of the things about daddy's lap chairs. You actually can spread the legs as well. Sort of articulated. It's like a triangle. It's a triangle you actually can spread the legs as well sort of articulated well it's

like a triangle it's an open it's a triangle that you can open up it's a foldable pillow and yeah but it's a but it's a pig leather inside it's a foldable he's got a kind of a web dad it's it's exactly like a human except he's got a webbed crotch yeah right so when you pull these legs apart there's a sort of a flap of skin in between them like the the um the wing of a sugar glider i imagine and you can also sit in there but i also imagine that where the crotch would be there's just a big backrest pillow so in it yeah there's lumbar and it takes you back to the innocent time of not knowing what was going on there. Yeah, those were the times. I mean, not that what's there is bad.

What was capable of going on there. Yeah. Yeah, the unspoken. Yeah, you know, the halcyon days before we knew. It definitely becomes weirder to, like, to sort of give, put sort of a grown person on your shoulders and then just knowing that their bundle is sort of just resting on the back of your neck well i think that maybe that's why we need pants right yeah not for not as much for physical protection but for psychological protection and for deniability. That we are able to tell ourselves that we are closer to the angels with a genital-less form down there.

Yeah, so you think it's a psychic bit of cloth? I think it's a psychic cloth. A psychic fabric. And I think that in the future we will be able to – nobody will need clothes, but clothes will be 3D digitally rendered onto your body in some sort of augmented reality. But why won't we need clothes just because it will be so hot from climate change? Yeah, I suppose. What about the sun?

But everyone will have a little chip in their eyeball and that'll draw the clothes on. Are we going to augment the reality for the sun so that it's UV rays don't get us? Make the sun... Yeah, the sun will also have a little, the sun, what we'll do is we'll put a big sort of Google glass contact lens in the sky, right? And what it'll have is every person will have their own individual sunspot or little shade spot that sort of tracks you, right, as you move around.

And this little spot scurries about on the enormous glass contact lens in the sky, permanently shading you. I think it's a cool system. Wait, wait, wait. How is it working? Does that make sense? Sorry, I started thinking about one in space. Yeah, that's what I meant.

But you're picturing a contact lens and it's somewhere in between the Earth and the Sun. Somewhere in between the Earth and the Sun, but then on that contact lens, sort of crawling around, maybe some kind of space bug right there's a little round space there's billions of little round space bugs and every person has their own space bug or maybe you can hire a space bug so like it's like naming a part of the moon or owning a part of the moon exactly right yeah but you you maybe you go out you it doesn't make sense for everyone to have their own space bug, so it's a sharing economy thing. Everybody, when you step outside, you've got your phone there, your GPS location is sent to one of the space bugs.

Space bug's got a little antenna probe in its brain, right? And it is programmed to sort of, told to scuttle around to shade you down on the earth, right? And then the poor people who can't afford space bugs, they will get badly burned. But the lens isn't going to cut out a lot of the sun rays? The lens doesn't do that. No, it's perfectly transparent. Couldn't it just be a sunglass?

And it also lets through ultraviolet for some reason. Couldn't it be like one of those ones that changes, you know, changes its tint based on the intensity of the light outside? Well, I think that's the thing about being in space between the Earth and the Sun, the intensity of the light outside is constant. What about during... You're thinking of a big transition lens, aren't you? Well, you know, yeah, and't you? Well, you know.

Yeah, and maybe it would get, you know... I mean, there must be space night at some point. That's the thing. There's no space night. Well, the space night only comes when your sun explodes. And then it only becomes morning again when a new sun is formed. So they're just longer, but it's still night and day. A child has come out and I think you might have overheard some of the conversation, Alistair.

I'm going to leave you with the rains and I'm going to try and put the boys back down. I guess I'm going to start thinking about these space bugs because we have to think about what they would be and how they would survive there. I mean, that kid sounds croaky. It's almost like he's a... That kid is just like a... I don't know, it felt like it just like climbed out of the crypt. I mean, I haven't seeny's children for a while but there's a chance

that they might be more uh sort of um having you know like having been i think that there's a chance that they may have been buried and now they've re-emerged as sort of a ghoul-like zombie creatures and that would explain the croakiness of the voice. I assume that the vocal folds kind of dry out quite a bit and so then they get a bit of a more trouble-y sound, which would explain it. You probably need to have a good wet larynx or something like that in order to, I'm not sure which bit the larynx is, in order to have that kind of quality of,

you know, deep quality of voice. But these space bugs, so they crawl around. It's just, I think that's why I got distracted before, because you got to think about how big everything is. Like it feels like, I guess if you get far enough from the earth, the lens could be quite small, but then it can't really be that small. And so, but then you got to think, well, what size are these bugs? You know, are they like, are they like, you know, a beetle?

Or are they like a they like you know a beetle or are they like a beetle the car you know and for them to be i guess more metallic and stuff like that would make sense and i guess there are i mean what do they eat do they eat glass is that the thing this is alistair hi i have finn finn came out to ask me what a space bug because he'd been overhearing the conversation he's like i just i thought that there was an opportunity for something for me to get scared about so could you tell me about space bugs because i was you know i haven't come up with a nightmare for tonight and so uh honestly they i don't think they even know what a nightmare is they the number of times they tell me they're having a bad dream with their eyes wide open and the light still on as they stare at me i don't know maybe they think that i'm a bad dream maybe they

maybe they think that reality is the nightmare. That's pretty cool. I like that. Although as I was putting Finn to bed tonight, he looked at me and he said, Daddy, I like my life just how it is. Oh, no, kid. You're never going to be in more of a transitional period than when you're a very young child.

Yeah. period than when you're a very young child yeah oh everything is going to change in every possible way i mean also you are like in the middle of a transition so like right now you're like living at your parents and so yeah you're not even like you couldn't his, like, you couldn't, his life could not, he couldn't have picked a worse moment to be happy with his life. And for it to not want to change. It's like you're literally living in somebody else's space right now. Yes. No, you're right. But I guess for them, that's actually, it's probably a decrease in the amount of traveling that they're having to do. Because if they get taken care of by your parents, that means that they're just having to commute a lot less.

Now, is space bugs a sketch in any way, Alistair? I mean, neither of these so far are really that sketchy. It's just like... Alistair, you always say that whenever I come up with a funny product. Daddy's lap absolutely is sketchy. Now, a lot of ways. Yeah, if there's an ad and we're talking about like it's not sexual and also things like that, you know, it ignores, you know,

these kind of things. But the lens, the lens with the bugs. Now, again, you know, because it's such an easy format, right, I could see this being an ad, but I can also see this being a government, you know, also see this being a government, you know how Australia refuses to really tackle climate change because we say we're working on clean coal technology, right? I think, and that never eventuates, right? It just doesn't seem to be possible to do the carbon sequestration like they keep saying

they're going to and putting hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars into the investment and as long as it's never going to happen i think it's it's a shame that it's always just the same boring solution that we say we're going to do and i think the government should if it's not going to happen it could be anything if it's not going to happen, it could be anything. Lots of things are impossible, right? Can we have something a little bit more exciting? I've got an idea, Andy, for that. I think.

Oh, did you have an idea? Yes. Did you have an idea? Yeah, my idea was going to be space bugs. Oh, right. So they're going to stop the carbon or is it just the idea of having them in there? No, just the idea that this will be the way in which we adapt to climate change. Well, we could stop at least some of the methane by by getting rounding up all the chair sniffers

and hello and then just take just put like sort of couch cushions on cow's butts and then having, you know, hordes of sort of chair sniffers to come up and smell the pillows and then sequester all the methane in their own lungs. In their lungs. It's good. We might have to genetically engineer the uh the chair sniffers

in some way to yeah maybe make their um their bodies a lot more elastic and maybe put a valve in their lungs somewhere so that they're able to breathe in but not breathe out you don't you don't think we could we could we could just have them, you know, they would just deposit the methane in their lungs? I don't know. I mean, sometimes it feels, I mean, that's an awful thought. That if that's what's happening with farts, that they build up in your lungs in some way. Do you think that that means that your lungs stink? Yeah, probably.

I mean, if they stink, don't you think you'd smell it while it comes out? That's the thing. You never smell, you know, like you can't taste your own tongue. Yeah. You know, you can't smell your own lung. Oh, I've got a bad case of stink lung. But I think the government, look, whatever it is, an elaborate government plan where the government tries to explain this to us

is the thing that they're investing in. You know, one of those government ads like they have at the moment for positive energy and that's just their way of greenwashing the fact that they're not doing anything or not properly addressing climate change and carbon emissions. A glossy government ad either for space bugs or chair sniffers. I mean, in the context of a glossy government ad, the chair sniffers is more funny.

I will absolutely allow it, Alastair. I will defer to you. Even though space bugs is probably a more a more realistic idea so all it's probably a with i mean i know like i mean now i'm not defending even the funniness of either of them now you're telling me that you think that yours is more doable even though you have to genetically engineer some kind of creature that can live in space we know that tardigrades so we can at least not die yeah but i think they have to stay in some dormant state

so i don't think they'll be moving around well you know like they're trying to come up with a sorry to bring up superconductors you know how they're trying to come with a room temperature superconductor well we can come up with a temperature absolute zero space bug yes um i don't think anything could be alive at absolute zero, right? Because then all the stuff I mean, although the signals through your body would travel so quick So cleanly So quick

Yeah, so, you know, as you were dying It would probably feel like you were living forever As your brain just raced But yeah, so at absolute zero, nothing moves. But electrons can move because they've got superconductivity. Not even these time crystals? I suppose if they're moving, they would heat things up. By definition, if there's electricity moving,

then it can't be at absolute zero probably because the electrons will crash into things and impart energy. That's right because motion is what heat is yes indeed yeah yes hey is that one we're getting is that one way in which energy and i forget it i don't think i don't think that question was going to be as clever as i thought it was i think it was in was going to be as clever as I thought it was. I think it was, in fact, going to be pretty dumb. Well, I would say that this is the place to get it out there, Alistair. But also, we have only come up with two maybe sketch ideas. And, you know, that's not enough.

I mean, imagine how devastating this strike rate would have been on the 300th episode do you think that they'll ever eliminate tiredness think about that right i don't i'm not saying ever eliminate sleep i mean they find a cure for tiredness and you still just have to get this you have stuff to get to sleep right yeah because it's bad for your health to not sleep but yeah yeah they but why does it have to be tiredness is the thing that tells you because what is tiredness well tiredness is uh sort of the body's version of that little light that comes on on your dashboard to tell you that you're going to run out of petrol yeah tiredness is just it's just because the body lacks a heads-up display heads up um to to to convey that information call a heads-up display more like a heads down is it called a heads-up display because it's like heads up up, your engine's fucked.

Yeah, that's right. And, you know, so I'm sure we could come up with something else to tell us that we need to sleep. Maybe one of your fingers bends over. Like backwards. Permanently. Backwards. One of your fingers starts oh yeah i mean yeah absolutely you could just have like an led sign on your chest that says i'm

tywood no no one of your fingers starts bending backwards i'll stare because i think that is that is going to get your attention. And if it doesn't get your attention, somebody else is going to point it out. They're going to be like, dude, are you tired? As your finger goes up like that. And that's good. That is like the fuel gauge on your dashboard. And if the finger goes up and all the way around

and makes contact with the back of your hand, folds all the way back. That means one hour of tiredness has passed. Right? And then it starts for the next finger. And so, if you pull an all-nighter, you actually have to keep typing with less and less fingers if you're trying to work an all-nighter you actually have to keep typing with less and less fingers if you're trying to work an all-nighter so it's like this is a disincentive to try to keep working so eventually you've only got one finger left you just got like a pinky left i love that you're putting it in terms of working alistair and not just like lying in bed scrolling on your phone but then also that would stop i mean i'm getting to a point where my hands

are almost always tingly from holding my phone too much this is good it sounds good it's like i'm i'm blocking nerves from getting blood or something like that i'm just like different bits are not getting blood in. You're sort of clenching them like an old crone. I don't know what a crone is. A crone is like an old, an old witch-like woman in the village. Yes, I'm holding my phone very tight,

but I've never dropped this one. Crone phone. Phone, yeah, don't worry about it. Oh yes, okay. Cure for tiredness. Your finger tiredness. Now, okay Alistair, do you like

this idea? I don't think it's comedy yet but I think there's something weird there. Yeah. There is something really weird there. You know, you could put it in a movie, right? You know, creepy kind of movie, creepy scenario. You know, I mean, I wonder if Limitless would have been

the incredibly popular and cultural touchstone that it is today if they'd also thrown in this element where, you know, he's Bradley Cooper, he's incredibly smart, he operates at 150%, right? But also to remind him to sleep, sometimes his fingers start bending backwards. You know, know you have a big you know if you have a big night out and you're thinking that you're gonna be hooking up

with people or whatever like you gotta sleep in till like you're gonna have a big nap at like two in the afternoon so that you're like because if i if i want if i'm gonna hang out with you know some people and then if i want to meet somebody i don't want them to think that I'm weak and that all my fingers will bend back because I'm super tired. Or you'll have to make up excuses like for other reasons why your fingers are bending back. You go, oh, no, no, no. I work with heavy machinery. And this is due to a big accident with that heavy machinery. Do you think a cool big accident?

Do you think that truckers will, you know, because at the moment they take drugs to help them stay awake a long time for big drives. Do you think that they'll have some sort of metal gloves? Yeah, or just finger straighteners, like a kind of like a finger, sort of like a, what's that blue pill? I don't know. For erection.

For Viagra. Yeah, it'll be like a finger Viagra. Instead of like taking math or whatever, they'll just take finger Viagra to keep their fingers too rigid to bend back. I guess, you know, old school ones will go back to just, yeah, just using metal gloves. Now, what do you think about this?

What do you think about if we discovered that cutting off your fingers, snipping them off with a big pair of shears or big bolt cutters right just at the at the at the base there what if we discovered that that feels really good really good really good and it's incredibly addictive yeah um it's snippin we'd call it snippin i mean that's the name of this snippet now snippet yeah i think andy i can see it straight away because it's become a trend um it was started as like a tiktok trend or like you know an online thing where one kid was did it accidentally but had but just like when I say kid, I just mean like a, you know, like a 19 year old or a 22 year old.

A youth. Yeah, a youth. Yeah. And then accidentally do it whilst pulling some prank, right? And then accidentally cut off their finger and then in a snipping way and then had the hugest full body orgasm. Yeah, this massive rush and then then then all the friends around them had to stop them from like cutting off another finger immediately because it was just so good yeah and do you think that like there would be people who claim that they're functional snippers, you know, they're still able to hold down a job and that kind of thing? Yeah, yeah.

Not grip onto the job, obviously. But you can hold it down with your palms. Sort of like it's a, you know, like an apple underwater. Yeah. Great example. Maybe that's their work. You know, they work at an apple-bobbing place. Yeah.

Do you think that should be a thing? You know, they got they got um they got axe throwing places right and that's become quite a thing in places where like an apple bobbing arcade yeah yeah i think what if it like instead of esports we just had apple bobbing do you thinkbing. Do you think you could Twitch stream? Apple bobbing? You just do Apple bobbing? I'm thinking about it.

I'm going to do a full tray of apples. I'm going to bob them all on my own. You're going to bob those? Are you bobbing those? You're bobbing these? going to bob those are you bobbing those you bobbing these yeah you get uh people you're working at the checkout uh sell you know at the grocery store and uh every time somebody buys apples you know you you bobbing these you bobbing somebody's bobbing somebody's bobbing tonight you're gonna bob all of these yourself oh Oh. Just go home. Imagine that.

But the idea of somebody apple bobbing by themselves at home is really funny. You know, like, because at the moment, you know, you will play video games by yourself. Yeah. Right? On your computer, on your phone, on the toilet, whatever that. You know, maybe even a little portable. You know, if apple bobbing had hit the mainstream more, because I feel like it was the gaming, you know, the gaming of its day.

But, like, you know, imagine a little apple bobbing version of a Game Boy, just a little pocket bobber. Oh, for little baby apples. Little baby apples. But, you know, it's a special kind of bag, a little sort of bucket bag that you can zip lock closed at the top. But then you open it, pops out like, okay, you've got a little opening there. And then you're on the train. You're just bobbing.

You're just trying to get these little apples out with your mouth your face immersed in water hands behind your back you just place it on your knee makes it more challenging doesn't it try to you strip maybe it's got a little buckle thing you can strap it to your knee that's that's pretty good so you can do it on the train. Between stops. I think you do it even while it's stopping. That adds to the challenge. It's motion bobbing.

I can see why bobbing is catching on. You could bob whilst bobsledding. Apple bobsledding? Apple bobsledding okay you know and so that's when it's just it's it's one of the ones for the for four people but it's filled with water and there's one person sitting in it with a bunch of apples yeah floating so there you gotta they're going and they're going down you gotta Yeah. Floating. So there. And they're going down the bobsled. You've got to make the best time possible and also get the maximum amount of apples out. That's a really good idea. And that water is going to be cold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Icy. Yeah, I, yeah. Icy. Yeah, I like it. I think that we should start a campaign to get apple bobbing as an exhibition sport at the next Olympics. And then apple bob sledding at the next Winter Olympics. Yeah, that's good. And so then finally, I mean before you you come up with the sport and you know you've got to come up with what um performance enhancing drugs you can take

to improve your bobbing ah is that is that how it works yeah because how are you going to get the edge i guess there's like there's mouth widening. Maybe taking something like, I know amyl nitrate is supposed to help loosen up your muscles and your butthole. Do you think it helps with your mouth? If your mouth is a bit, the muscles in there in your jaw are a bit looser, that maybe you can open wider. That could help. Even if it's a 5% increase. Yeah.

But there are also other drugs that make you grind your teeth, clench your jaw. And it feels like that's also kind of the other component of it. Sure. You know, it's kind of you want both. Once you get it in your mouth, you want to make sure you've got a secure lock on that thing. I reckon this is awful.

What about teeth sharpening? That's exactly what I was going to bring up. In the hardcore apple bobbing scene, I imagine that teeth sharpening, you know, filing your teeth down to like vicious points. Yeah, sort of like the goblins or whatever the orcs have in Lord of the Rings. That'd be a big part of the underground bobbing scene. Yeah. I mean, even like sometimes your teeth might be better off if they were a little bit broken. You know, coming to points and stuff like that.

A little shattered, you know. I feel like filing your teeth down to points, that would be outside of the rules. But nothing to stop you getting your teeth a bit broken. Sure, exactly. In a fist fight. They can't force you to go to the- The night before. They can't force you to go to the dentist.

I mean, an apple a day. Yeah, I- Don't worry about it. I bob every day because I've never felt better. Yeah. I go out, I wake up in the morning, have a little bob. I feel awake. I've already eaten. I think you probably would, you know, get that cold water on your face first thing in the morning.

It's kind of the perfect way to start your day, you know, a nice bit of fruit, nice cold splash. I think I'm going to bring in bobbin back. What do you think about this? Stewed apple bobbin. So it's just like the mush and stuff like that. Is it hot though? Yeah, it's just like the mush and stuff like that just is it hot though is it is it yeah it's still hot and it's float but the water's cold so it will lose its temperature fast but oh okay i thought it was just a big pot of stewed apple like boiling hot apple that you're plunging your face into

stewed apple that's kind of floating which i'm not sure it would do. It's going to disperse very quickly. But you would have to like, maybe it would sink and then you would have to go in deeper. It's like deep water bobbing. Deep, you know, deep water apple bobbing. And then you have to go in and then what you got to do is you got to,

you got to scoop it up in your mouth, like get your mouth all the way around it, kind of grab it, and then kind of come out and then try to push out the water, but try to keep the stewed apple. So there's a balance of pressure there because those chunks will push through the gaps

in between your teeth if you put too much pressure on it. And then I guess you just kind of, everybody's got you spit it into a bucket like a ziploc bag at the end they weigh the buckets see who's got the most student apple bobbing yeah no it's a really it's a really good idea alistair and i think it's gonna be big i mean if you're launching a full venue that just does apple bobbing that's true you gotta be yeah you know actually i know somebody who is doing a show

they have not told me to promote this but angus brown is doing a show at part of oh we forgot to promote our show at the beginning we have to put it may do another recording and put it at the beginning okay alistair You think people will have tuned out by now I don't know if 25 minutes of apple bobbing Stuff is going to do What's going to send people to our show

But anyway Well let's mention it now anyway Teleport We're doing it next week 23rd, 25th, 27th. We're not selling that many tickets yet. Fringe rebound.

They're not moving. They're not moving. We had a great season of Comedy Festival, but that really built over the run. We don't have time to build. We've got to start big.

We're hoping to record it. Yeah. With laughter in the room. That would be the best outcome if there was laughter in the room. And if you can't afford a ticket, message us on Facebook and we might be able to sort something out. I mean, we will easily be able to give you one. I'll even buy one for you.

um i'll even buy one for you um so oh yeah but angus has got this show called golden delicious which he says isn't about apples so that's what i find that very interesting isn't that a great pitch you know like you know it's a great pitch i don't know to me it's like it's like if i called my my um my show meat medium rare right and then people say so it's about how you like your steak you go no okay maybe that's not as good an example but no it's not as good as an example because medium rare feels like it could have other meanings. But Golden Delicious, I really can't think of any. Okay, how about this?

I... There was an octopus in my butt. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty good actually yeah and then people go so this is about an octopus you go not at all no no no you have to come to find out was there an octopus in my butt well you'll have to see the show but no there was a few people who i've seen who have put on shows that are called naked. And you're like, you know, and they kind of appear like naked or whatever on the poster,

but not fully, you know, they're covered. Some bits you go, I guess that means I got to go to the show to see your dick or your nipples or something like that. And then you go and it's just them revealing their like emotions and you go what no what are you doing would you prefer it was the other way around and there was a show called revealing my emotions and you went and it was more or less just sort of one-liner, straight stand-up, but they were naked. Look, I mean, those are not equal equivalents. I think if it was somebody saying, you know, revealing my emotions,

and then it was just somebody having a meltdown, like a breakdown, and they were nude, I that that would be pretty good actually okay yeah that's compelling yeah they go look i'm spiraling now and i think that would be a good piece of theater or you know show or something like that like how um some people uh can fart on command, right? And that's their trick. Do you think that being able to have a full panic attack, a real panic attack on command would be impressive to people? I think so, yeah.

I mean, I think even if you could fake it, it probably wouldn't be that pleasant to go through. Yeah, I'm sure. But I think there's you could fake it, it probably wouldn't be that pleasant to go through. Yeah, I'm sure. But I think there's a purity to... Oh, of course. You're right. Well, I would... This is Todd, right? Todd.

Everyone, come meet Todd. Todd. Todd can do an amazing thing. He can have an actual nervous breakdown on command. I think that would be a great act for like australia's got talent especially because i mean at first people would be like well you're probably just having a panic attack because you're nervous right but then they show footage of him at home just having panic attacks,

you know, in the shower and things like that. Does that prove anything? Whilst getting a massage. I mean, I think you need to come out on stage and be fine, be really confident in his discussions with the judges and that sort of thing, right? Crack some jokes. He's having a great time.

Clear the guys. Okay. And then when he, like, centres himself and the music stops or whatever, that's when he has the nervous breakdown. Yeah, but on command, right command yeah absolutely so i like kind of like a magician he'll he'll say okay how many in how many minutes do you want me to have a panic attack and then he hopes that they say they say a short amount of minutes so he doesn't have to just stand there for sort of seven minutes or something like that yeah that would probably be longer than short amount of minutes so he doesn't have to just stand there for sort of seven minutes or something like that.

Yeah. Because that would probably be longer than the amount of time he gets allocated for the act. And then he starts it right on those seconds just to prove it was out of his hands. Anyway, I've written that down. Yeah, thank God. Andy, I think that that's one of the more comedy ideas that we've had today.

I don't know, Al. I don't know. I don't know. All right, maybe he's got this other thing where when he's really nervous, he can juggle sort of pins that are on fire. He can't help it. You know? I don't know if that's an equivalent equivalence,

but I'll take it. Like, you know, if the opposite was if you juggle pins that are on fire and then you accidentally have a panic attack because you're nervous. That's the opposite. Okay. Go on, say your objection. You accidentally have a panic attack because you're nervous. That's the opposite. Okay.

Go on, say your objections. I don't know. My brain is shut down, Alistair. I can't form a single thought. Don't object whilst your brain is shut down. That seems unfair to me. Yeah, okay. I think it's shut down between me objecting and then you asking me to

justify my objection so I can't be held responsible oh I don't know Andy I reckon I could so we got three words from a listener Andy I'm excited the listener is poopoo bum bum man ah poopoo bum bum man ah poo poo bum bum oh yeah poo poo bum bum um people by the

way people need to send in more words now because i'm i think i'm running low more three words please um so poo poo bum bum has sent in three acronyms actually actually. Oh. Don't know if that's allowed. But I'll allow it. I'll allow it. You want to guess which one was the first one? Yeah, okay. CIA.

No, BYO. KGB. CSIRO. Okay, well, those two both end in O. BYO. CSIRO. CEO. GTFO.

So CSIRO, of course, is the Australian Science Institute of some sort. Yep. What's it stand for? Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization. BYO is Bring Your Own. Bring Your Own. Now, what about this? It's drunk science.

Yeah. Okay? Now, this isn't like drunk history where it's just people retelling. More although. Although. Okay? Drunk history works because it's people getting drunk and then retelling history. And history is just a story already.

So that makes sense. What about this? Drunk science, people get drunk and they attempt to recreate important scientific experiments. So they actually do undertake the experiment, you know. Get drunk and they try and do Millikan's oil drop experiment. Get drunk and they try and refine uranium or radium like Marie Curie did. They try and find, discover the electron using that guy's, what's it?

Cathode ray tube. Using only his eyes and counting them. Yeah. Oh, no, that wasn't discovering the electron. That was discovering radiation. What kind of radiation? Alpha radiation? So what were the spots they were seeing?

Oh, no, they were discovering the nucleus. That's right. The nucleus of the atom in the Rutherford experiment with Geiger and that other guy. And Geiger was one of the guys there and he was actually counting? He was actually counting. Geiger was counting these eyes, individual specks of light from reflected alpha particles hitting a plate of phosphor. So when they call it a Geiger counter, is it kind of a joke? No, no, because he also did invent the Geiger counter. After doing that job, he obviously thought there must be a better way.

But he could have made a joke. I suppose. Because, I mean, do you think he named it after himself? Not the Geiger bit, but the counter bit? Or is it a different kind? Oh, it counts like me, and I'm Geiger. Or is it a different thing? It's like a counter like a bench top

now alistair what do you think of this uh uh drunk uh science show you know i guess the appeal of it would be in a comedy sense in a you know if we do it just as a sketch we're not actually making the show drunk science but we are making a sketch about it, right, people getting very badly hurt, I guess, right, or just extremely frustrated or just falling asleep. But the alternative is an actual scientific research organisation where they do encourage people to be drunk at work. Because of the accidents that it causes. Because of the accidents, yeah.

Because most science happens by accident. Most good discoveries happen by accident. Great discoveries, yeah. And when they look at your resume, they look for like, is there a lot of clumsiness in your life? Is there a lot of clumsiness in your in your life is there a lot of well if they look at your resume they look for like stains alcohol stains on the uh on the printout yeah i do like the accidental um i thought you might alistair technically we've already had but let's wrap it up.

But they're drunk. They're getting people drunk. They want people to be drunk at work. And the thing is they get results, right? They actually have an incredible strike rate of discovering things. Yeah. And it's a method that works. It's not pretty.

A lot of other people in the scientific community aren't happy with it they don't want to admit that it works but it does yeah and you know it's one of those things where it's like um it's one of those things they say well you know putting your scientists through that isn't good for their health when you go well you know what working you know 80 hours a week doing research for a low income also isn't healthy for your body so like that and we can we get that amount of same amount of discoveries done before lunch exactly andy i'll take us through these sketch ideas we got daddy's lap chairs These chairs made out of old daddy bones. We got lens with bugs to stop sun from burning you or chair sniffers to address climate change. But it's a government ad. Gov ad.

Then we got cure for tiredness, but instead of sleepiness, your fingers bend backwards. Finger Viagra to stay up. Then we got cure for tiredness, but instead of sleepiness, your fingers bend backwards. Finger Viagra to stay up. Then we got snipping. The cutting fingers off feels amazing trend. We got apple bobbing alone. The modern resurgence of apple bobbing with new apple bobbing venues as well as stewed apple bobbing and apple bob sledding. Its parents are worried about

their kids who are just spending all their time in their bedrooms apple bobbing. Then we got nervous breakdown as Australia got talent talent. And then we got the drunk scientist at the Accidental Discovery Institute. The ADI.

The ADI. Wow, that was maybe the worst I've ever done. Thank you, everybody, for listening to it in Think Tank. We come up with five sketch ideas Tank we think that it's good that you do that you can listen to the pop test you can buy tickets to teleport

you can do anything you want in your life thank you very much for listening and we thank you so much love we love you bye okay Andy don't turn it off Thank you so much. Love. We love you. You.

Bye. Okay, Andy, don't turn it off. Are you still recording? It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those.

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