Two In The Think Tank - 328 - "MUNCH HOUSING - BY PROXY!"

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

The Meat Kazoo, Sleepy Hotline, Sitting Duck Mattress, Wart Follows, Kid Lid, Abraham Drinkin, Eat Shit Billionnaire, Billionaire Ethical DilemmaPlease buy tickets to "My" "Client" "Is" "Innocent" at MICF from the end of MarchListen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereTwo in the Think Thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series, february 27th exclusively on disney plus 18 plus subscription required t's and c's apply alistair i mean andy i'm just here to promote

my client is innocent at the comedy festival this starting this 31st of March, 2022. And also you can listen to the pop test. If you don't know what that is, it's our science comedy quiz show from ABC. Thank you very much for listening. And here is the episode. Thank you everybody for tuning in, tuning your dial to the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas, FM and Alistair.

And also you can also hear us on I'm Andy and I'm Alistair, George William Chombley, virtual AM. That's right. We're simulcast. And Alistair, before we started, you know how we are with this podcast experimenting on the tiredness spectrum? And we like to, we're trying to do a podcast at every level of tiredness that exists. Well, we were, you know, as we usually were before the podcast,

comparing the extent to which each of us feels like a husk. And it made me think that, you know, when you say a husky voice, you often think of that as being somehow sexy. Yeah. But the alternative is that you're just listening to somebody who's been hollowed out within and they've got absolutely nothing left to give. And they're sleepy and tired and dry. And dry.

For some reason I imagine dry. So dry. Yes. Yeah. And I am I yeah well so what are we doing

with this sketch I did this is well somebody's got a husky voice they I mean can you do an example

of a husky voice for me of a of a hollowed out like a husk just like like a standard husky voice.

So, you're probably wondering what I'm going to do to you when I get you back home. I don't know. I don't know. What do you reckon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think that sounds good. Yeah, that sounds kind of Clint Eastwood-y.

Yeah, that's what I was hoping. I realised that he was probably, when he was doing those voices, it was probably in the early, you know, when his children were just very young. It's probably what it is. But also it doesn't sound like there's a lot of meat in there. A lot of meat.

You know? Well, because, I mean, your vocal cords, in inverted commas, are actually like just vocal folds. Aren't they just like a couple of slabs of meat? Of meat, meat on meat. It's just meat on meat violence. Well, it is like a sort of a meat kazoo, really, I think, the vocal box. Yeah.

Right? The larynx. That's right. It's a meekazoo. And singing. Let's start referring to singing as playing the old meekazoo. Now, I realize it sounds like it could be sexual, but it's not. It's absolutely not.

It's not. It's actually one of the most innocent things you can do. It probably originates from trying to put babies to sleep. Exactly. Playing the meekazoo. Yeah. you can do it probably originates from trying to put babies to sleep exactly playing the meat kazoo yeah of course babies come from not playing the meat kazoo if you know what i mean yeah yeah so that's the irony um what am i writing down uh what you're writing down is you're writing down it's the opera. It's the proper opera, right? The proper.

The husky opera? The husky opera, but it is you're introducing the most famous opera singer of all time, Dame Nellie Melba. Pavarotti. Dame Nellie Pavarotti. Nellie Pavarotti. Melba. Pavarotti.

Dame Nellie Pavarotti. Nellie Pavarotti. And you introduce her, you give her a big spiel, and then you say, and here she is on the meat kazoo with a meat kazoo. And just like that, you can destroy a whole art form. I mean, imagine. can destroy a whole art form i i mean imagine i think i think like the numbers you know the official um you know opera australia numbers would would have within a year oh and you only need to say it at one performance the word would get around it would make a newsletter oh yeah like when they called it a meat kazoo.

Well, I can't stop thinking about it now. Every time I hear a sound, a vocal performance. I keep thinking of their neck as the sort of the neck of the kazoo. And then that little circular plastic bit that is normally on the kazoo, I think of that as their face now this isn't this look at the moment this isn't a great sketch but look put it in this context right imagine it's a psychiatrist and in there in the psychiatrist is an opera singer talking about how they can't sing anymore because they heard someone refer to the vocal box as a meat kazoo. Now it's got a context.

And not only is it a context, it's the finest of all the sketch comedy contexts. It's the er context. The er. Er. What does that mean? Well, I believe you are. I think you can sometimes refer to something as the er this or the er that.

And er was a famous ancient civilization, possibly the first ever civilization. Okay. Now, I might have made all of this up. I'm not sure where I'm getting this from. But I think when you say something is the er this or the er that, uh you are referring to it being the sort of the original or the og the og yes the you are and how i think is the og og how would i what how would you spell her you are oh you are no you are um no i'm not how would you spell it original you are i'm not spelling it that's why i'm asking you how to spell it you are i am i i

would know if i was i would know if i was and i am not so i'm just asking how do you spell er you are all right oh wow there's a big have you ever heard of the ziggurat of er it's a neo-sumerian ziggurat in what was the city of er near miss in present-day Dikar province, Iraq. I am finding a lot to enjoy just in the words the ziggurat of Ur. It's a word, it's a sentence, It's a name that definitely exhibits diminishing returns. You start big with ziggurat. By the end, you've got nowhere left to go. You're already hollowed out.

You're a husk. And by the time you get to Ur, well, nobody's paying attention. Everyone's still reeling from ziggurat, I imagine. Everyone's still recovering. So why would you waste any energy coming up with the name of the town? What's a ziggurat? A ziggurat, Andy, is... It's an herb.

It's cognate with Semitic languages, like Hebrew. It's a type of massive structure built in ancient Mesopotamia. Mesopotamia. It has the form of a terraced compound of successfully receding stories or levels. Yeah, right. I can imagine something. It's sort of like a stepped pyramid andy you can't you won't believe this but i was about to say a pyramid with basically squared off the areas and you were absolutely right i don't i have no idea how you got anything of value out

of what i was saying so it's amazing. It was a beautiful description. Thank you. I read it myself. Ziggurat. Alistair. So there you go. Being a Sumerian and just doing a lot of things for the first time.

Oh no, wait. Is that my kid? That's okay. I'll be back soon. If you've got to go, Alistair, I've clearly got this under control. I'm doing so well. I haven't said anything offensive. I haven't embarrassed myself.

All the podcast did anyway. But, okay, so, look, let's go back to the husk, the husky voice thing and let's say the sketch was um you uh you call up a a sex chat line that advertises a husky voice and who um and you know i imagine people imagine people who are a hollowed-out husk probably also do want to go to bed, whether or not it's with you, right? But it is a – Alistair, you're back? Yeah, I am back. Oh, well, I hope your pen hand is throbbing with anticipation. No, I was just trying to put the husky voice thing into like a sex chat context where they're advertised as someone with a husky voice who just wants to get to bed. But you call them up and it turns out they're just a hollowed out husk

and they just want to get to bed to never get out of it again. I just want to get to bed to um to never get out of it again i just want to get get in your bed somebody who's somebody wants to get in your bed but only to sleep you call up it's this you thought you were calling up a sex hotline but it's a tired hotline and it's very soon they go oh tell me they're like tell me what you're wearing you go um just i'm just in my undies and you go oh wow it's just somebody that you woke up right but they you know they're probably sitting on they're on a bus and they're always just going around they're always trying to sleep on this bus and and it's hard, so they never get a good night's sleep. Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's hard. I bet it's real hard. Tell me how hard it is. Oh, it's almost impossible. Yeah, and then they're just like, and then you say, oh, would you want to come to bed with me? You go, yeah, I just want to come to bed with you. Where do you live?

They go, oh, I just live in Preston. They go, oh, the bus goes through there. I want to come over and just climb into bed with you or without you. I think it's something. I want to get in bed and get started and you can watch. What do you think of this as a bed? It's a bed that is, there's also a second mattress that goes on top of you yeah

wait it's a bed a second mattress goes on top of you sorry I'm trying to remember so it's like a sandwich bed it's a sandwich bed Alistair yes I love if it like it's like it kind of it looks like a bunk

right but it's like, it kind of, it looks like a bunk. Right? But it's kind of somewhere between a bunk and a sandwich press. Yeah. And you get in, that top bunk just comes down. But it doesn't have those, like, slats underneath. No. The mattress is kind of held from above. That's right.

And it kind of crushes you between the two. Yeah. And I think that would probably be the best night's sleep. You wouldn't turn around and stuff like that. No. I mean, and you're in there, you know, sealed in a little package. You wouldn't hear anything from outside. You know, I guess what would be good about this is that then you could be

then picked up and stacked vertically. You could sleep sort of in a vertical position. I guess it would be quite handy. You could sleep spinning. You could sleep spinning. Oh, that spin sleep. If it was one of those, if it's similar to this, but it was like that kind of foam packaging that you store, but it was like that kind of foam packaging that you store,

like you might transport an expensive action figure in. Oh, yeah. And you were all indented. Oh, and everybody else listening knows exactly what you're talking about. I think they probably had it in Toy Story 2. Okay. Which everybody listening has seen. So, you know, just indentations. And then you could just be there in there in your foam indentations.

And then just a little bit of area to breathe. I just, that's the luxury. That's the extra luxury. Just a little opening. Yeah, just like a little crack in there. And what was the benefit that I was thinking? Yeah, you could be spinning. You could be spinning, obviously. You could get the blood

really going to your head and your feet, obviously. I mean, you could be... Genuinely, they could drop you. You could be in orbit. This would be a great ad for mattresses. You know, how they do those. When you're in school, you know. This would be a great ad for mattresses, you know, how they do those.

You know, when you're in school, you do that thing where you're like, you throw a, you have to build something so you can throw an egg off the top of the gym and it lands without cracking. Be great ad for Jeff's mattresses. Somebody jumps out of a plane with no parachute. Exactly. If they tape somebody in between two mattresses. Somebody jumps out of a plane with no parachute. Exactly. If they tape somebody in between two mattresses. I mean, even dropping them out of the plane, I feel like is in a way not quite as intense as pushing them off the top of like a four-story building.

Yeah. Or somebody like a helicopter takes them up to the top of a... And you open it up. A mobile phone tower. Yeah, yeah. And they just lean it up against the top, like the top bit. And then eventually a wind, some wind knocks you all down. And then they throw rocks at it until it falls off.

And then it lands on the ground, right? They slice open the gaffer tape that they've put all the way around the edges. They open it up. You're still asleep in there. Or at least you look asleep. That's what's great. You're in one of the states of unconsciousness. It starts.

Could be the big one. It starts with them sneaking into your house with your sandwich press bed. And then they take you out and they put you in a truck. Now, in my mind, I don't know if this is a sandwich press bed anymore. I think what it is, it's an ad for Jeff's Mattresses, and your family has signed you up for this, right? Yeah. Because they reckon you're a light sleeper, okay? So they sneak in there with a second Jeff's Mattress, and they put it down on top of you, and they tape it down on you, right?

Yeah. Then they pick you up. What's that, Occy strapki strap oki strap you all around and then they take you out in the back of the truck and your family's all there laughing in the front room they take you up they push you off the top of a mobile phone tower and then you're still awake and you're a really light sleeper then they like tickle your face or something with a little they probably take you home first put you back in your room. Yeah, yeah, and then they wake you up.

Yeah. And then you go to work and then you win an award for how good you worked that day. Yeah, that's good. This is one of those feature-length ads. Yeah. 90 minutes. Big budget. But for an ad, it's like 20,000 bucks.

Yes. You know how they are. Sorry. I did have an idea from before. But did you really have something or were you just starting to say words? I've already forgotten it. Okay. starting to say words um i've already forgotten it okay well there was just a thing about you mentioned my uh my my sort of my pad hand might you might be throbbing and i love the idea that

sometimes your hand could start to throb and it's like a kind of it's almost uncomfortable but it's clear that the hand wants something yeah and and then you have to like rub your penis on it and and and

so you know it's probably just like to like file down the nails or something like that. Okay. Okay. Hang on. So the hand is horny, right? Well, it's not horny.

It has its own wants. It's a different thing. Sure. It's handsy. It's handsy. Yeah. I'm interested. i'm interested i'm interested um well we have to think of what the reverse of horny would be because it's like it's kind of reverse masturbating isn't it

yeah suddenly it's just like look what is masturbation you just you get a discomfort yeah i mean well i mean what are you going to achieve by rubbing a flaccid penis on something? Yeah. It doesn't feel like it could do anything. I mean, maybe it could be used to sort of erase a whiteboard. You know what it could do, I reckon? You know what I reckon? Did you say erase a whiteboard?

Yeah. Yeah, so it's like your hand alerting you that your hand is dirty. Maybe. Yeah. And you guyserting you that your hand is dirty. Maybe. Yeah. And you guys, oh, I'm so dirty. Yeah. And then you rub one out. You know what I was thinking?

I think I started thinking it was what your hand does, went to alert you that you've got a wart. Oh. Went to alert you that you've got a wart. Oh. And the only way is to sort of like, for some reason, it's kind of like, it's just like dick skin cures it, but you got to get it all over. Dick skin. And you can sort of dick skin and maybe a bit of pee.

Maybe the wart just gets transferred to the penis and then this becomes like a one-man version of that movie It Follows, which somebody pointed out to us when we were trying to come up with a sexually transmitted sex organ. Yeah. But it's a bit like the movie It Follows, which is a sort of a sexually transmitted monster that sort of follows you and kills you. But the only way to get rid of it is to pass it on to somebody else

by sleeping with them. This is like that but for masturbators, where you just pass it around between different bits of your body by rubbing them together. Until you just find a single place, it would be good. But you know what you could do then? You could get a doctor to look at it and then hope that they don't use gloves.

Yeah, that'd be great. Fingers crossed I got one of those great doctors. Well, then, no, but then the whole point would be to try to find a bad doctor. The dirty doctor. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Dirty doc.

Dirty. Yep. All right. Is this a sketch idea? But it's just a single wart. I don't know what it is. Okay, look. I'll single.

It follows wart. Yeah, okay. Okay, great. okay look oh single it's the it follows ward yeah okay great um i can tell you about a children's book idea that i had just before the episode started okay uh it's not it's not really a sketch idea it's not really a funny idea necessarily but it's a book called the snore the snore next door yeah and it's a kid who's trying to get to sleep but they can't because of a really loud snore that's coming from the apartment next door yeah and then they try and work out hungry and they because they hadn't eaten their vegetables i know you love their stomach yeah yeah they develop stomach problems because they hadn't didn't have a proper diet and they have an ulcer they have an ulcer and it makes their stomach rumble a lot

yeah and actually the acidic the stomach acid actually eats through the wall of their torso the wall out out out and then starts dissolving things around them. Oh, my God. And the exercise is dissolving through the child's actual skin. Yeah, yeah. And then they just have a hole that their internal organs are exposed to. But then their parents don't want to get it fixed because it actually turns out it's a lot easier to feed them by just putting food into their stomach through the hole. But they just put a little door on there that they took off an old dryer.

I think this is a funny idea, which is where parents are getting this installed in their kids when they're young. It's kind of like a circumcision. It's the sort of thing that you can do when a kid is small and it's not that not that you know they don't complain they can't complain because they're a baby exactly so you get a little door put in their tummy right and then you can just cram the food in there doesn't make sense to have a lunch box and a stomach with the given that they're both just containers that you put food in so like when your kid's about to go off to school, you quickly open the lid of their stomach, shove in, you know, some sliced carrot, a sandwich,

bits of apple and maybe some celery with some peanut butter inside. Right? And off you go, kids. You're clipping it shut, forcing the clip closed. You could just put them in, like, you know, slowly dissolvable Ziploc bags. Yeah, that'd be great. So, you know, one that's like a...

Like whatever they use for those Panadol tablets that sort of, yeah, the wall of the tablet dissolves. Or whatever it is that they use for those dishwasher capsules where you get like a capsule and it's got a sort of a... Whatever that stuff is, that wibbly wobbly plastic wall yeah that's what i'm thinking and so that way you can you know you put one that lasts like three hours so that'll get them to recess maybe it's not three hours it's like two hours or an hour and a half or something and then you have like a sort of a four-hour one for lunch. Again, that's probably too long. But you just fill them up in the morning. And they go to school and they feel pretty full.

But as the day goes on, they get access to the nutrients. And then also they start processing the food a bit more. And then they feel less and less discomfort as the day goes on. So by the time they come home, they're happy. Happy to see you. I mean, they feel bad all day, but they're not near you then. Yeah, exactly. And that's actually good parenting. That's what good parenting. That's what good parenting is.

Where people are... Oh, sorry, my kids are sad when I'm not around? Sounds like I'm doing a good job. Sounds like I'm the solution to the problem. Oh, yeah. I suppose it's like a... It's not quite a reverse. It's called the kid lid.

It's called the kid lid. Oh, yeah, the kid lid. Great. It's not quite a reverse. It's called the kid lid. It's called the kid lid. Oh, yeah, the kid lid. Great. I was thinking that it's kind of like a – it's not quite a reverse Munchausen, but it's like –

Oh, Munchausen is another great name for the product. The Munchausen. Yeah. Well, that's probably what you actually, the plastic that you put around the food, the dissolvable bag, the munch housing. And the name of the company that makes it is Proxy. Munch housing by Proxy. But like giving your kids something that poisons them so that when they're around other

people they feel bad so it's not like that you take care of them it's uh i assume that you expect you want them to feel better when they're around you but you're like oh yes i guess you should never leave me then well i mean what is parenting if not giving your kids the sickness of of of um of let's see wait for it the sickness of a healthy family life where your love is the antidote. You're giving them a poison and you say, well, if you want the cure, you've got to come home and give me a hug. Isn't that what all love is? Saying, I'm poisoning you, but... Yeah.

I'm not sure. I've got a little healthy attitude here. I think there's an element to that in which i think there's there's a certain amount not not that you withhold love because i think you kind of make the love unconditional but you there is there is a secondary the second tier down of approval does make it seem like that is wielded as a weapon. Yeah, well, I mean, obviously it's wrong to hit kids, right? That's very bad. But you can make them feel bad in other ways.

And that's just what... I guess for not fitting into your idea of what a good person in society is. Exactly. I mean, yeah, look, this is all too close to reality. That involved in getting your kids to do what you want very often is a kind of manipulation where you regret it instantly whatever it is that you're oh it's so hard to

keep it all positive sure you try to keep it all positive and then you like find yourself being like well no you can't have that second hug until you are in your pajamas trading like yeah it's the weirdest economy isn't it i i hate having to stop fun it's like oh my god you know yeah it's like oh like okay so yesterday like the kid was flicking flicking a snake uh a soft toy snake but towards me and the younger kid and the younger kid was who's in my arms was really loving it right and then so we did about you know five or six of those and they were fun the smallest kid was really laughing and the bigger kid was having a good time and then suddenly it's like okay but now we can't just keep doing this one of them's gotta go to

bed or whatever so then you go okay now we're gonna stop and then of course it keeps going because there's fun happening and then it goes okay, okay, okay, one more, and then that's it. And then do one more, and then you go, okay, that's it now. And then they do another one, and you go, hey. Now, yeah, that's too much fun now. You've got to stop the fun. And the agreement was we would stop having fun. Remember I agreed?

Remember when I agreed to that? And for both of you, that's it. We've hit the limit. Yeah. I mean, anything that involves flicking near a kid, I'm already on top of that type of fun. There'll be no flicking. a kid, I'm already on top of that type of fun. There'll be no flicking. It's more like

flicking like how you would flick the tip of a whip. That was satisfying to hear. Was it me talking or was it something that happened in your room? No, it was flick the tip of a whip. Flick the tip of a whip. Do you like eyes?

Do you? Yeah, I do. You know a few i'm an eye guy i'm an eye guy spelled g u i that's right and then i spelled i y i that makes me feel actually very unpleasant Right. And then I is spelt I-Y-I. That makes me feel actually very unpleasant. It's really, really horrible. They should have spelt I's like, you know, your eyes. They should have spelt it I-I-I. Well, I mean, maybe I, I.

Then you've got two I's in I, you know, because we do have two I's. It does make sense. You also do have two I's in three I's. I suppose E, Y, E. You could imagine that the two E's are the eyes and then the Y is the little nose. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe even the base of the bottom of the stem of the Y could almost be the mouth.

Yeah. Could be. Yeah. Yeah, you're absolutely right. So we cracked it there. And do you think the, I mean, if they're both lowercase e's, then the under part of the e is like the bags under the eyes. The bags under the eyes, yeah, great. Yeah, and so we just discovered what the mouth of the eye is,

but only the mouth of the word eye. As yet nobody knows what the mouth of the eye itself is. I'm guessing the eyelids. Or maybe the pupil. It's got to be the pupil, isn't it? Andy, you're not going to believe this, but we actually have five sketch ideas. I'm sure we've talked about this before,

but eyelids is definitely... It feels like they should be eyelids instead of eyelids. Anyway, Alistair. No, I mean, they're not as controllable as lips. You know, I don't know if they're just kind of pulled tight at the edges and then just kind of thrown down. I don't know how the downward motion works. No, you're absolutely right.

It's made me look at myself in the mirror that's in front of me and wish that I could sort of screw up my eyelids in new and interesting shapes like I do with my mouth. Yeah. Every day, finding new shapes and interesting ones. Not just new. They have two levels of novel to them. New and interesting. Does novel just mean new? Or it also means sort of notable?

No, I think it mostly means new. So it's like nouveau. That's right. You think instead of saying the novel coronavirus, we should be saying the nouveau coronavirus? Nouveau coronavirus. Oh, it's suddenly, I think if it originated in Europe, we probably would be saying that, yeah. Yeah, right.

On the continent. But instead we're using a Chinese word. Novel. That's right. How would you feel about going to three words from a listener? I feel good. I'm sorry for yawning. That's really rude.

No, Andy. I'm upset now. I would love to go to three words from a listener, please. Well, I don't know if you know this, Andy, but we have three words from a listener, and I gotta say, people have been responding really well to me losing all of the three words from a listener and I gotta say people have been responding really well to me losing

all of the three words and people have been sending them in we've had a bunch of people who've signed up to Patreon as a response so we want to thank you maybe we should mention this more often

maybe you should lose the words more often i mean it feels like a giant tree has fallen in the forest and all the little saplings are rushing to try and take its place i think and i think that's what happened to the old system yeah it was yeah it was an old sequoia that had outgrown the forest and started to rot on the inside. And then eventually it couldn't hold itself up and it fell. And it knocked out a lot of trees on the way down. But that opened up the forest floor to some sunlight. And now the three words can now grow grow out of the ground um so uh how would you feel about me reading out let's hope we haven't actually done these words and i'm not fucking up

big time here i'd feel i'd feel great about that because there's been a lot of build up for these words now yeah yeah a lot of anticipation. Oh, no. These are fresh. These are real fresh. These are from the last seven days. So here we go. You ready? They're from David Byrne. Okay. Or David Bourne.

I would say it's actually David Bourne. David, thank you so much. David has been a big supporter of us on the social media for a long time. Thank you so much, David. Andy, do you remember a set of a red, blue, and white thumbs up? Oh, I do indeed. Is that David? It's 21st century.

21st century 21st century dead dead is that what it is? yeah that's right 21st century dead and so that's who David Bourne is I hope I'm not doxing

well I mean I know I am but my hope is that I'm not that's why I want you to know where my hope is so there My hope is that I'm not. That's why I want you to know where my hope is. So, there is three words, Andy. Do you want to try and guess what they are? Okay. The first word is clostridium. Clostridium.

Look, it's a good guess, I've got to say. I feel like it's probably what you would get if you mix the first two words together. But outside of that, the word is. Now, I've come across a little problem with it because I had to look it up because I didn't know how to say the word. Right? because I didn't know how to say the word. Right? Now, there is a word that comes up that has got two L's in it, whereas the one that's written here doesn't.

Right? So if I was to tell you what the 2L1 was. It's calliope. Mmm. You know, that American keyboard instrument resembling an organ, but with the notes produced by steam whistles formerly used on showboats and in traveling fairs. That's fun.

That's fun. See? But there is, if you look up the other version of the with the one l there is also it's calliope is a variant like this of the name calliope greek mythology calliope was one of the nine muses and a goddess of epic poetry and eloquence. She is the mother of Orpheus and Linus. Okay. I got a little Greek from it.

And means beautiful voice. So I think maybe we could just mix in a little bit of the two. Sounds good. Sounds healthy. I wouldn't be surprised if the name of the musical instrument derived from the beautiful voice. I mean, a piano made of steam whistles sounds like somebody's playing the old... The old tin kazoo. Tin kazoo. Steam kazoo. Sorry, meat kazoo is better.

No, well, steam and meat are basically the same letters. Steam and meats. The meats kazoo. Anyway. Do you want to try and guess what the second word is, Andy? The second word is lozenge. No, it's balsamic. What is the third word, Andy?

Calliope? Bals Andy? Calliope, balsamic. Calliope. Calliope, balsamic, nude. Very, I think all the letters are in this word. It's ineptitude. Which you can't say without spelling nude. Calliope, balsamic, ineptitude. Ineptitude.

Wow. Ineptitude. Oh, the ineptitude sounds like a great description of my penis. Sorry. I thought you were going to say you're playing of the calliope. Oh, yes. No, no, no. Ineptitude.

Sure. Yeah. But no, I was thinking it would be a series of tubes pumping the steam. Do you see? Do you see? Balsamic. A balsamic vinegar. I mean, I've always accepted, you know, balsamic.

Does balsamic have any other uses? Because, you know, we get it in the context of vinegar, but as a descriptor, could you have balsamic cheese? Could you have balsamic Wednesdays? Could you have a balsamic fight with your beloved? Yeah, where did it come from? Does it come from a particular, like,

balsa? Balsam. Balsam. I don't know. Maybe it's a region. Balsamic vinegar contains no balsam or balsa. Two things that I didn't know what they were. Balsam is the resinous exudate, which forms on certain kinds of trees and shrubs.

Of course, of course, the resinous exudate. Which comes from the, it's named from the biblical balm of something. What this has made me feel is that it's very possible that what you would scrape out when a jazz singer, when a famous jazz singer dies, I feel like you should be able to scrape out the end of their trumpet, not jazz singer dies, I feel like you should be able to scrape out the end of their trumpet, not jazz singer, jazz trumpeter.

You should be able to scrape out the end of their trumpet, the bell end. Right? Yeah. And the flakes that are in there, whatever flakes that they've had over their entire career, tootin' on the horn, whatever those flakes are, you should be able to buy a cocktail that has

the flakes from old Satchmo's trumpet. Yeah, I mean, that's what, you know, they never do that with ingredients. They might be like, oh, this bun has like shredded dry pork on it,

like sort of like, you know, some of those, something I was selling in Taiwan, you know, shredded dried pork, kind of almost like a pork duster, you know, or you might get those like dried fish flakes and things like that. Sure, sure. like that sure i'm not i'm not you know but but it's basically it's always a generic fish or a generic you know pork right they never they never let you know which the full which pig it was or which you know which fish yeah that's interesting and so you could do that kind of thing with the deceased um by allowing um you know different parts of their of the bodies of the dead to be sprinkled onto other foods or you know served as mains but i think anything that you shed you should be

able to just fill out a mold of that is in the shape of your body in your garage and you know all your nail clippings and oh yeah we spit we're big fans of this any spit anytime you donate i mean that's why you know it shouldn't be in the garage. It should be in the shed, and that should be why it's called a shed, because when you shed things, you put them in the shed. Yes, and so, but these are not for some future lover, like we discussed in the first time we talked about keeping all the things that you shed, because you want somebody to love all of you love every part of you that you've but this is this is purely for culinary reasons you know imagine all the people who make cocktails who would love to have some of you know

um i mean it doesn't sound good but but, you know, imagine rubbing some of like Abraham Lincoln's earwax on the edge of a glass, you know, right before you roll it in celery salt and, you know, make it old fashioned or something. I don't know. Bloody Mary. I think it's fun. And the fact that you've made it a president, an American president, really interests me. You know, a president's bar where, you know, whoever, yeah, they've sourced every body part that they could get of any president, living or dead.

They could get their hands on it. They'll pay any price. And then you can go there and all their cocktails involve, you know, using microscopic but present traces of those presidents themselves.

You ask for them, you order them just by asking for the number of the present. Can I go and get a 38? Yeah. Can I get a 16? Each drink is basically the same thing, but you can just change the present. They don't go like, oh, Lincoln's earwax goes great with a – pairs nicely with a white rum or something like that they just go no no we we have like we do like 12 cocktails that's right you know one has one has earwax

one is snot one has you know bile one just has like a bunch of you know like frozen ears or whatever that you can shoot onto the top. Now, would you call this bar Abraham Drinking? Andy, I'm writing it down. Yes. Thank you. Abraham Drinking Bar.

I've been drinking a lot of non-alcoholic beer recently. And I think this morning I woke up with a non-alcoholic beer recently and I think this morning I woke up with a non-alcoholic hangover really? yeah I felt terrible and I mean who's to say if it's everything else in my life but there's a possibility that it was the two cans of ultra low alcohol hoppy ale that i had last night well ultra low makes it sound like

it would have just taken alcohol that was naturally in your body out you think maybe i was i was uh under drunk yeah well it sounds like you've you've had like sort of alcohol-based nutrients taken out of your body the body must have just a natural. Everybody would be fermenting just a little bit. Yeah. Think about it. You know, there's all that food inside you. And when stuff comes out, it always does have a bit of a like, you know, what's going on in there kind of scent to it.

Oh, geez. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. There's a bit of whiffy in there. Because I found it really interesting today. I was eating like a mixture of canned tuna with rice. And some little bit of greens in there. And it occurred to me that, you know, because, you you know it's traditionally a odd thing to um you know it's traditionally kind of frowned upon to bring you know a fishy smell to a workplace i've done it yeah and i've done it and and you know it's just i guess

what's interesting is that you can get rid of the smell by just putting the food in your body. Yeah. So it's like a sealed enough package. Well, it's the kid lid. It's the munch housing. It's the munch housing. Which means that you could... Oh, forget it.

I'm not going to say this. Alistair, come on. We managed to get through an episode without talking about shit and then suddenly I'm like you were going to talk about eating a shit to get rid of the smell of the shit you're on a date

you do a shit you go back to their house there's nowhere to put the shit so you eat the shit you eat the shit so you go to the toilet you use their toilet Is that what you were going to say? You eat the shit. So you go to the toilet. What are you doing? You smell fine.

The toilet won't flush. The toilet won't flush and you don't know what it smells really bad. You don't know what to do to get rid of the shit. So you eat the shit. It's the first date with a billionaire. Oh, no. And their toilet doesn't work. And it's gone really well so far it's gone so well

and you don't want to be like sorry i did a shit in your toilet you know and you're like i've got to save this i'm gonna eat this shit before i go back out there and you just try you know you don't want to flush too many times because you don't want to fucking see like you just like the flush might just give a little bit of liquid and you just kind of you get some of that liquid just to help wash it down make sure there's nothing in your teeth when you come out you know oh god but then they're like don't they know, you tell them later on in life. You know, I don't know if you remember this.

No, well, what happens is they kiss you and they say, I love the taste of your mouth. Right. And then to maintain this relationship with the billionaire, you've got to keep eating shit. Just every now and then. Yeah, to keep eating shit. Just every now and then. Yeah, to keep the flavor. Because that's what you're willing to do, to be with this billionaire about whom we know nothing else. That's right.

Well, your personality can only get you so far. Sometimes to get the edge over all the other suitors, you've got to eat a little poopy. Wow. You're writing that down. I guess so. Eat shit. Date with billionaire.

I just love, I just find it funny, the idea of going on a date with a billionaire yeah and then it's going well and then you're like because it feels like you would try extra hard right because you'd be like well if this goes well and i get in the natural way which is just like through just a you know they're interested in you and you're interested in them. And suddenly you're set for life. It's true. I mean, imagine when two billionaires go on a date together.

And at the end they're arguing over who's going to buy the restaurant and fire all the staff. Yeah. Wait. No, I'll do it it you know what's interesting to think about this about like it's a movie about a guy

who is happily married with two kids and like a really like a person who's very ethical but then

a billionaire starts showing interest in him and then and and the thing is even his wife is like well just go with this billionaire i mean our kids will be set i love you but i mean you're being really selfish. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Because I hadn't thought that the wife might be into it.

It's like, what, you're leaving us? No. Yeah, of course. Go. What's wrong with you? No, but he's trying to be ethical. Ethical. It's ethical to, it's unethical to stay with us but i want to see the kids grow up all

time yeah you'll see them enough but these things are worth more than money no they're not yeah if i write this down i like i like the idea but i think i think a billionaire is like a concept that's not used enough in films. And I don't watch a lot of films, so I would know. Well, that is good. Alistair, can you take us through the sketch ideas from today's

episode? I wish I could, yeah. Okay, wait. Okay. Here we go, Andy. Well, for this episode of Tune the Think Tank 328, we begin with the Meat Kazoo Ruins Opera. Strong start.

Of course, yeah. strong start of course yeah somebody mentions um nelly melba's meat at the beginning of the opera and nobody was able to enjoy the the show because they keep thinking of her neck as a kazoo and uh and then it actually really ruins opera then they have to try to do a lot of PR and stuff like that to try and bring opera back, because it feels like it's on the verge. The only thing that's holding it in place is its conservative charm. Yeah.

It keeps getting that funding from the governments. Anyway, then we've got the sleepy hotline. This is where you accidentally call a hotline, thinking that you're getting a sexy hotline. But this is a sleepy hotline where the person is very sleepy and they would love to get into bed with you. And their husky voice is just to do with them being a hollowed-out husk. Oh, yeah, of a person, yeah, absolutely.

Then we've got the mattress commercial with the big fall. They sneak in. I like this a lot. They drop them from a very high place. And now they are placing it with duck mattresses. We test our mattresses by placing

them at the top of a mobile phone tower. We should pitch this to one of those mattress companies i think they might get on board yeah i know i think i mean i think it would be a funny it's a funny premise funny ad for them to i guess pretend to do yeah yeah or do or do i like the bit where you go to go to work and you win an award for how productive you were it was actually better

it was actually a better night's sleep than even normally so that's because I mean they were touching two of the mattresses which they normally do but now they're actually stopped think of all the money you'll save on sheets when

when you start just using another mattress as a boy. Another mattress. Yeah, right. And you know what? I don't ever, you know, I wouldn't use sheets or mattress protectors on there because I believe in myself. You know? Yeah. I'm happy if I piss the bed or shit the bed or something like that.

I just throw the mattresses away and then I start again. I mean, the only thing that stopped me doing that is the mattresses are the most impossible thing to throw away. Ah, well, you don't have a helicopter. That's true. Drop it straight to the middle of the ocean. No, but think about it. If you go to that island of garbage out in the ocean, right,

and you realize that there's mattresses out there, and you go, oh, fuck. Well, I could live here now. And then suddenly the pressure on the housing system is eased. Okay, then we've got the It Follows Wart. Okay, all right. We all know what that one is. It's a wart that just moves around your body.

You rub it from place to place. Until you can get someone else to touch it. Yeah. It's just like, and the only thing that's tough about it. Just one wart. There's one wart, and the only thing that's really tough about it is you've got to get them to rub it for three seconds. Wow.

It's just a tiny bit longer. That's why it's so hard to get somebody else to rub it. Because people will notice if they're touching your back. And they have to want to rub it. Really? Yeah, that's part of the magic. Yeah. Okay, so you have to somehow make people want to rub your thing. Yeah, that's part of the magic. Yeah. Okay, so you have to somehow make people want to rub your thing.

Yeah, that's right. Maybe if you pretend, if you tell them that you're a billionaire and you go on a date with them and you're like, gosh, I always wanted somebody to rub my war. They go, I will. It's the only way. Then we got the food door for parents to put into their kids which is called the kid lid yeah it's just a way of getting around how difficult it is to get the proper nutrients into your children when they refuse to eat good food i think it's a great ad where you see uh you know a mom she's packing the lunches on the bench there in the kitchen

right you see her closing the lid and then you zoom out andes on the bench there in the kitchen. You see her closing the lid and then you zoom out and you see the lids in the kid's tummy. The kid's lying there on the bench. That's shirt up. They're cramming stuff in. Thanks mum! They pull down their t-shirt and run off to the bus. It's the kid lid.

It's great. Their stomach is sort of protruding a little bit more than it normally does because they've got so much food in there. Not chewed up. Then we've got Abraham Drinker. Drinking. Drinking. Abraham Drinking. Sorry.

God. It's a bar where you... I think I just wrote bar where flakes. But, you know, that's where you can get bits of presidents and put them in drinks. Hmm. And then we've got, then we've got the eat shit date with billionaire.

It's very funny. Made me laugh so much. Then we've got the billionaire ethical dilemma to leave family for, for the film. So I think that's it i think we should go into the thank you everybody for listening to In the Think Tank. We like that you did that to it and of and us. And we are available on the internet in various locations.

But you should most of all book tickets to my client is innocent. And you should most of all download, rate, and subscribe the pop test. And you should most of all do whatever brings you the most joy and just have a day off sure and if you get an opportunity after all those things if you also are interested in seeing me do stand up with matt stewart from do go on you can get honk honk hubba hubba ring a ding ding at the melbourne international comedy festival in the second half and apart from that i just hope that you have a wonderful time with your life and things like that. And don't forget to listen to, you know what, the Weekly Planet. They're a great program.

They do good things. They help people out and they could use your listeners. You know what? They're very funny. Probably the funniest. Unbelievably funny. So naturally funniest. Unbelievably funny. So naturally funny. I hate that about them.

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