Two In The Think Tank - 329 - "REALITY 1.3"

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

Socialisted Stink Lines, Updates to Reality, Yesterbutt, Dining Glove, Vegetorture, Second is the First WinnerPlease buy tickets to "My" "Client" "Is" "Innocent" at MICF until the end of ApriAnd also buy tickets to Honk Honk Hubba Hubba Ring-A-Ding-Ding with Al and Matt StewartListen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereTwo in the Think Thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Welcome to Tour the Thingtag the show where we come up with five sketch ideas No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, any other time in our lives. Spare Millie Second. We tried recording it, Millie Second at a time. You know, just when we had the gaps, but we found that it really threw off our normally quite good rhythm with the opening song. It was very difficult to get into the groove. So we gave up on that other. You know, yeah.

We thought doing that plus doing it it over Zoom seemed like it was going to completely destroy the music. Anyway, thank you to everybody for listening to this podcast. Thank you to anyone who has come to my client is interested at the Comedy Festival, which is still going for another roughly 11 nights. Andy is almost dead from doing it. Also also anybody who is considering coming to Hong Kong Kaba Haba Ringeting Ding my show with Matthew Stewart from Doo Go Won.

Oh, what a great that would be for them. You had your opening night last night, Elastair, and I'm hearing a lot of buzz. And it's a deep darkened dank venue. Yeah, it's three days. It's really like you go underground. Yeah, that's right. You get the smell as well and thick air.

So think about it. Think about it if you like things. It's worth at least thinking about it. I am upset that there's no real visible stink lines in life. You know? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it would be a nice thing if they, I guess, implemented. Yeah, we get a, when do we get a roll out the stink line feature?

Yeah, who controls the rules of reality? There should be, because I mean, that would be also a great thing is that if you could, rather than release a product that is like, oh, okay, and if you wear this, then it emits a, it takes like a laser and a bit of fog or whatever, like that, you put it on your shoulders and it makes stink lines.

That's sure that's okay. Obviously, if you wanted to just implement your own stink lines, everybody, obviously, you can make a change on the personal level, but really you want structural change and you want somebody who can change reality. You're exactly right. I mean, these are two different approaches to capitalism or to running a society. Obviously, there is the individual responsibility model where we expect individuals to lay out

that money and to take that initiative to implement their own personal stink lines. But as a democratic socialist, I believe that it is the role of the government to put the structures in place so that stink lines are available to all. And yes, I agree that that would involve some fundamental tinkering with the nature know, of some sort of meta implementation. And I think somebody should look into it. I would also love it if God came down, God appeared and said, and basically released some patches and some updates to the nature of reality. Read them all out like the bug fixes and updates at the start of when you've updated your software.

And he just came up and he said, this is version of reality 1.0, 3, 2, 5, 6, 9, and a woman. But he'd give it a name like Apple does and it would be called Torophang or something like that. Corpha. Yeah. Slubby. Slubby too. That I...

Yeah. Talking about slipping and slopping this morning. Oh my God. The amount of luck that happened here. I was in bed and our youngest was in bed with us. Hux and we, the Hux was kind of awake and so did just kind of like, you know, touching our faces. Sure. And then we heard and I was like, just lay down. Just, oh, do you want to have a cuddle? You want to just lay down for a bit longer?

I'm just, oh, do I have a cuddle? You want to just lay down for a bit longer? Shh, try to go back to sleep. Anyway, then we hear the garbage truck, which means of course we have to get up and go either to the door and look or to the window so that we can just watch it go by. And so I pick, hocks up and I run around the bed and I slip

And I slip whilst carrying a kid and moving Yeah, you on tiles or are you on? I'm on our wooden floor, but I don't know what I slip. I whether it's just my feet lose grip or whether I stepped on like clothes or a piece of paper Sure, sure and All of those things are on the bridge. I want you you to know that, you know, that is the option. These are all live options. And so there are also several liquids.

And now, and now I'm mid-air and I realize that, you know, I have no purchase on the ground anymore. I'm horizontal, not horizontal. I'm, yeah. And you have, you have the time to think about this, to process what's going on. Yeah. And I'm going, oh no, I'm carrying a child and I'm about to fall.

And then I land with my upper part of my body. Well, I land with him first onto the bed, pretty much almost entirely except for maybe his legs. So lands on the mattress and then I fall. And then like some of the slats underneath breaks or either break or come out of the thing. I haven't actually looked yet, but they go like that. But like it was a big impact for the kid, but at least on the mattress and he seems completely fine. But I was like the miracle of falling in the right way.

On to the mattress. And not on onto the mattress and not onto your child. Not onto the child. Like actually sort of sort of mid air. I feel like I was maybe helping position a little bit, but you know, with my arms, the motion that I did still have. The audience is on to do hooks here. Did you get to see the garbage truck? to hooks here. Did you get to see the garbage truck? I think we missed that one. No, no, no. Um, but because Hux was crying for a bit, but then he recovered very quickly. But then there was another one that comes through the recycling one. And we did see that one and did have a good tum and now and Hux was wearing a fireman, a fireman Sam Helmett. Now the audience is still on dead hooks because there's

still one big one big loose and did you get hustly back to sleep. And that was always going to be a long shot. Yeah, I was already a long show while we were still in bed. And then to have to sort of fly through the air, that's a sort of a rush, you know, one to start. It's a real, and it goes straight to sleep from, and if you do go to sleep straight after having a big fall, it usually means you've had a concussion in there. Some major bleeding in the brain, but I mean, sleeping like a baby who's just had a fall.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. It's okay. No, no, no, it's good. I like, I like picturing really full things. This is a horror podcast. Thank you, Indiana. Sorry, I just in the end. I just want to know.

No, no, that's all right. Let's put down a sketch idea number one Okay, and that is that's already down updates to ring the stinkline stinkline. Right. Okay, stinklits Well, I've got stinklines debate whose responsibility is it to implement? So you could picture it like a more powerful meeting there. It's And meeting. It's yeah. And I just don't think that it's a job of the individual to people good working people shouldn't have to at their own expense pay gas and lasers to make their own stick lines. Really fun. I love this sketch. But then I also think updates to reality

announced by God. I would pitch as a separate sketch. Idea, I would. Updates. God, the announcement. The bug fixes. Because it's interesting to look around at reality and be like, what would be the bugs?

We believe that everything is just a feature of reality. But we don't know. Absolutely anything that we take for granted on a daily basis could be a bug. You know, the idea that all the four fundamental forces aren't unified and diverged very early on in the universe. That sounds like the sort of thing that would happen with a bad compile of a new program. And it might actually be that there is only supposed to be one force. Glabertrev. It's called. And the single force, Glabertrev. And then everybody's just got to adjust to what would seem to them to be total chaos. And God could have a bunch of other things. Maybe you want to change the human body. Maybe you want to put one big eye in the middle of the chest or something like that. And it is like when Apple or Android, someone like that, changes something and suddenly that little box,

that little icon, the drop down menu to resize the screen or whatever has disappeared. And now you've got to go into a different thing, you've got to click on three dots somewhere and then go into a settings menu. And everyone's complaining about it. I mean, imagine the tweets. Imagine the tweets if God came down.

Okay, there's all one big eye in the middle of our chest of that everybody's, be like, what was God thinking? Oh, imagine if what they did with one of the updates was that instead of being able to have thoughts like in the way, like picture things, kind of over the top of your vision and stuff like that, like you know, you kind of have it almost like an ghostly perception kind of over the top of your vision and stuff like that. Like, you know, you kind of have it almost like an agostly perception kind of somewhere.

It's not entirely over your vision, but you can kind of see it inside your head, but it still kind of feels like it's in your eyes a little bit. We're talking about thoughts here. Thoughts? Yeah, talking about thoughts. Like if you're picturing a mansion, you kind of see it.

It's like your vision retracts into your mind for a second, but you never lose entire vision. But so, imagine if the new update, it comes up and then suddenly you have to minimize reality before you can see something. And so then it's like, okay, and then you gotta like, maybe you gotta close your eyes, and then you can see the mansion and you're like, oh, there's one thing to like, maybe you go to like close your eyes, and then you can see the mansion,

and you're like, oh, there's one thing. It doesn't seem like that good. Yeah, that doesn't seem like a real update. It feels like a step backwards. How about this? God comes down and says, okay, I never meant for your thoughts like when you visualize things for them to be in your head.

Now, whenever you visualize something, a physical version of that thing is gonna come out of your butt. whenever you visualize something, a physical version of that thing is going to come out of your butt. Well, the butt does feel like it's the underused 3D printer. It's a 3D printer right now that can only print sort of really terrible things. Wouldn't it be great if it produced stuff that you wanted? Yeah, and maybe it's supposed to do that. It's just been badly calibrated. So it's like when your printer is just producing like a smudge.

Okay. Oh, God comes down. Does a little bit of tinkering in the butter all. There you go. Did you go to Jefferson Duane yesterday? I'm on the R. Said you on your way. And now you don't think he can just fix it in the back end.

You think he had all the evil in the back end. Sorry, that was not supposed to be that that was not intentional. I find that very difficult to believe, Alistair. I genuinely, I was actually trying to talk about behind reality. You know how I like that is what I refer to my butt as. Yeah. Whatever happens there, I actually don't. Everything in front of me is. Yeah, that's in the past. Oh, that would be good though. If our butts were in the past,

and then if we pooped, it just went to yesterday. You know, and then we wouldn't have to worry about it. That's true. But then does that mean that somebody in the past could be grabbing your butt? Maybe, but it also means that in today, we have to deal with all of tomorrow's hoops. But, but, but it's this. But then you also find that you get it, you find out stuff about the future. Oh, so you can buy the consistency of people's poops.

And then you really do have this kind of way of dividing and telling the future. So your poops from the future appear in your house. And then you can take them along to a psychic who will sort of... And you have to flush them because the butt can only do the poops, but it's only the people in the present who can flush them because your hands aren't in the pounds. Yeah. Oh, I mean, I thought they'd just be doing them around your house

just in random location, they'd just appear. I guess if you were being good to yourself, you would go sit down, you would go sit down on your toilets. Yeah, but I think this is the sort of thing where it's like it's that tragedy of the commons, it's that no one's going to take responsibility because you have to deal with the poops of the people in the future. So you feel like, well, then why should I also have to look after the people in the past, they should have to go through what I went through, you know, so you'd be pooping all over the place.

I love it, but if it's you, you're dealing it with it yourself. Yeah. It's like it's just you from from a day ago, like right, assuming that everything that's in the physical remains in the same physical location. Yeah, but what it, right, obviously the the the earth has moved. What it would be. Yeah, well, there's teleportation built in. But what it would be is, well, that's all very well. That's if you're pooping in your own house, you'd go to the toilet. But if you're pooping anywhere else, nobody knows that that's what you're doing because they can't see

it come. Well, they can see your butt moving. No, they can't. No, I mean, well, if you're good at it, it'd be like, if you're good at it, you'll be able to do it without giving it away, without a single look, you'll be in the middle of a conversation, right? And nobody will be able to tell that you're peeping in the past. And then, for the people in the past,

these poops just appear at random locations from people who've been there. And, or will be there in the future. So I mean, what you could do is you could, a poop could appear and then you could see that poop appear and then you could go and hide somewhere for like 48 hours, peering out from behind a bush and then see who's there and then maybe you could jump out and grab them. Right. And yeah. I don't know. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then no, suddenly we got ourselves a detector. Yeah. Well, it's like minority report. Yeah. You, yeah, you said you got that, you got

that poop. God, how do we do another fucking episode that's just mostly based on shit? But, but I mean, you can see how in one way it solves the problem of you don't have to deal with this poop that you've just taken right now. But you can see how it creates the new problem of how you have to deal with all these future, you have to deal with all tomorrow's anonymous. Well, but this is this is what it's like with any new technology, right? You you introduce a new technology and the convenience of it outweighs the, you know, a multitude of negative consequences. It's exactly the same with, you know, with Facebook. Yeah, that's right. And like we always say, as the engineers, you don't solve, you don't,

an engineer doesn't fix one problem without creating two or three more problems. Exactly right. And also with people in the present making the future worse through climate change, you know, maybe this is just a kind of payback, you know? But I also do love like that idea, like you see some fucking horrible diary and you think, what's gonna happen?

Like imagine you're walking around and suddenly there's just really terrible shits everywhere. And you're like, something is gonna happen today. Yeah. Like a real like 12 funky's kind of situation. Yeah. And like you go, well, maybe I'm not going to eat today because I need to figure out something is making everybody sick. Right. And then you think that maybe you could stop it from happening in some way, but you know, are you can you change the future? Are you can you be better?

Can you out? Can you can you out smart determinism? And then you're running around. You're so stressed trying to fix this. You have an attack of stress induced diarrhea. And the loop is closed. Oh no. It doesn't explain why everyone else got it. I guess it could just be like gastro or something like that. It's probably from all the the unhealthy

shits that are being put everywhere in the bacteria or the virus or whatever. It wouldn't help. Yeah. the interior of the virus and whatever they wouldn't help yeah yeah well look I love a I love a really dumb thing and that was up there I really dumb and horrible and horrible but oh you know what you know it's crazy is that I see I see that story and I think there's a movie in there. And I agree with you. I agree. So a little bit about my contacts right now. I am recording in the car because the electricians are here. They are doing all sorts of drilling and stuff around the house,

putting things in, so I thought I better come to the car. But so I've got my computer here, plugged in an extension lead, but they've also turned off the power, so my computer is running out of batteries. But that's okay. I have batteries in my recording device, and've got all one and a half bars of power there so that I'll probably be okay but my headphones are also running out of batteries but that's okay because I have plugged them into my computer so while there's only a little bit of batteries left in my computer that should be enough to power my headphones so I can continue making the phone call long enough to finish the recording on my recording device

before the batteries run out there. And you're correct, yeah. And so I'm glad that we're not wasting any time whatsoever and just really powering through. But, you know, there's a chance that the electricians will finish their work before my computer runs out of batteries, plug that in, but then that doesn't solve the problem of the running out of batteries in plug that in, but then that doesn't solve the problem of the running out of batteries in the recording device. Also the dog is running around and is barking a lot, hasn't so far

barked close to the car enough to appear in the recording, but that could still happen. So you know, there's a yeah, that's that's the general mix of potential. That's the soup. That's the gumbo of disaster that I am swimming through. I know. And then you're like even going through it like a second time, just like to make sure that you don't have time to get any sketches out. I love that. Well, I feel like we've already got three sketches out, Alistair. Maybe even four. We do. We do have three. Well, that's pretty good. Hey, if there was it like, let's say there were no utensils, which utensil do you think you would have invented?

And would it have been like one of the main ones? Let's say there's no utensils, all right? Let's say, okay, let's say you're, you've got a plate, you've, you've got a pot, something that's kind of like a pot. It's just like a, it's like a, it's like a big rock. Yeah. That you've, that you've managed to scratch out the kind of, like kind of concave, you know, semi-sort of. So that's my bowl. And you, yeah, and then you've managed to heat it up with fire, but then and you've sort of cooked just like Rice and grain and water and you've put in some leaves and you know some root vegetables in there or something Okay, so now it's real hot and you Are a big piggy and you want to eat it straight away, but you don't want to burn your head. Yeah

You know look around for something that you can pick it up with. Yeah. Well, the chopsticks feels like a, you know, a place that you might go, but at the same time, chopsticks are actually one of the hardest, yeah, they're the, maybe the easiest utensil to come up with, but then the hardest to master. I probably maybe find a forked stick, and so I probably would be the fork that I would be stabbing in with. It's like a stick that's just got like two thin, thick, all out like that and use two prongs and use that to pick up rice and kind of wet rice.

I'm cooking. Oh yeah, I mean, yeah, okay. That's not sounding great. What about a leaf? I could maybe scoop with a leaf. Maybe I'm coming up with a kind of a spoon-like leaf situation. You know what? This is something that I think should have been used, is that, because you've ever seen those scrapers

that that that bakers use? No. In the big bowls, they're like hand held scrapers. So it's like a kind of like a slightly flexible sort of semi-circle. It looks kind of like a protractor. But a little bit more flexible. And you can use it on big bowls to get all, scrape all the dough out, things like that. Yeah. Get on the table like that. A flat surface like that. You know, think about that. Now you're kind of scooping things. You're using the natural scooping, you know, like a motion of the hand, but it's protected. And I think a leaf like that

could be, would have been a very natural way to encounter this. And I'm just, I'm surprised that there is no, there isn't, there is no utensil that uses the palm of the hand as the, as the sort of the bowl of the spoon. Well, what I would like really is a kind of a glove, like a dining glove. You know, it could look fancy and that sort of thing. Oh, yeah. But, you know, and it could even have little metal bits, sort of, you know, the thimbles on the end of the fingers

or something, so that, well, something, you know, like a little blade at the end of the index finger so that you could cut through things, make them smaller. Sure. Yeah. But, you know, the hand. Yeah. Yeah. It's just so, you know, it's a big part of eating. And I'd love to be able to eat with my hands. But with some sort of little additional component, which suddenly kicks it up into being extremely classy. So you're eating with your hands like a fucking beast, but then you've got little gold little things.

Just remember there's a lot of cultures that do eat with their hands. And also there's no beasts that have hands. Oh except for like, you know, like there's some primates. Primates. I guess you're thinking like I said of like, you know, like beauty in the beast. You know, it's like once, once a human. That's right. And, uh, uh, but I, for some reason when you say a dining, I tell you what, there's nothing like being deep in midriff and big, that, that whiplash of being told that what you're saying

is deeply xenophobic, just like that, that full body stopper, like crashing into the brick wall. Oh, yeah, 100 kilometers. I know, I'm so sorry. Your train of thought is traveling at 100 kilometers per hour, paralleling a log at a nice straight stretch, and then somebody's lashed a big log to the lines. And it just all goes to shit. I want you to know that this is how I picture

your dining glove. I see you to know that this is how I picture your dining glove. I see it as one of like, there are a bit like one of Michael Jackson's white rhinestone gloves. Yeah. Right? Right? But instead of rhinestones, you know, like that, I mean, okay, there's just one finger has like a little knife,

little blade so that you can press it on things and cut them in half and things like that. Maybe one on each index finger. You think you'd wear two blubs for this, right? It absolutely is the index finger because, and then the middle finger and the thumb have got kind of like prongs on them. So what you can do is you can stab something there with those two prongs and then you can slice in between with the index finger and then you pick it up.

That index finger moves out of the way and you're just nibbling between those two fingers. It looks like dainty. And I do like the idea of being able to prong things with your thumb and then just eating them off your thumb like you're kind of look a little bit like a baby. Like a little baby. Yeah.

Yeah. But you're kind of eating some like, you know, some filet mignon. Oh. Oh yeah. Or you know, but you're kind of eating some like, you know, some filet mignon. Oh, yeah, you know, or what, you know, the vegetarian version, which would be like eggplant mignon. Mm-hmm. Eggplant slice mignon. Mm-hmm. Do they say a filet of eggplant? Nobody has ever said that before. No, but they should.

Was that on the podcast where we were talking about, no, it was off-pod. It was a conversation we were having off pod about about that about roasting is basically is just torturing food, food, torturing vegetables and stuff like that until they, they give up their sugars. Yeah, they're deliciousness. And you get, you get a food like eggplant that's very hard to break, right? And it's like, I don't have anything.

I've got a horrible texture and I taste bad. You don't do what you want, right? It's got a very hot, fresh old. And then while you're roasting, you're going, come on, you son of of a bitch break, break, then I'll never give up. I'm going to be better to the end. And then everybody breaks, that's the thing, everybody breaks, and even the egg legs eventually.

Everybody breaks. And there's like, all right, I was delicious. In fact, I was actually one of the most delicious things you could eat the whole time. You're gone, me. Yes. It's a fear cop. What?

Do you think that's who the egg plan is, truly on the inside? One of the most delicious things. Yeah. Yeah, it's just playing hard to eat. Ha ha ha ha. Did we say that the other day? Hard to eat.

Yeah, it was all, you were just playing hard to eat. No, that's my new addition. Oh, I love that Andy. Thanks, I'll see you. Just, you know what, Andy, you know why I said that? Because it felt like something I would say. And so then I was retrospectively trying to just claim it. Did we say that the other day?

Did we already say that? I was like, oh god, I'm funny. This is what I think while I was listening to you say something funny. Good. Good. Yeah, no, I'm happy with that. I'll stay. Are we at fine sketch ideas? Oh my goodness. And true. Can I just pitch this as well? After your story of dropping your kid, right? You know how you're falling with my kid ideas. Falling with very different. Sure. But You know how you're falling with my kid, it's falling very different. But you know how like you sometimes have these sort of nightmare scenarios that play

through your head of like something like that. Oh, what if I did this? What if I did that? What if I reversed into my kid with the car? That kind of thing. And those could really plague you those fears, right? They're actually very funny. But there should be a place where you can go and do that stuff and it's safe.

Like one of those places where you can throw an axe or whatever. Exactly, right. Exactly. Yes, so they go there, wrap your kid up and a whole lot of stuff. They give you a very specially designed car. You can't reverse reverse into your kid. Just to... You should just be a mannequin, but you can go there and you can...

Oh, yeah, okay. You know, and you can drink and you can drive. Oh, no. Oh. And you can back... Oh, my God, and that's one of the worst of them, but yeah But at the same time, you know, that's what makes it so good Don't write it down

Don't write it down. I'm not gonna write it. Okay Hang on. I'm just trying because I'm just getting a three words from a listener. Do you remember about those? Yeah, yeah, listeners. I recall them. listeners? Yeah, so I've heard of this three. I mean, I've learned about one and two and I think I can put the pieces together, which piece? The one and the two. I put them together and I get three. I put two together. Yeah. And they make three. Is that the only the only series of numbers where that works? Where you can put together the two previous. Is that the only number the only series of numbers where that works? Where you can put together the two previous numbers to get the next number. Yes, that is. Yeah

Yes Well, that's really good Thanks Because I now have three words from a listener and I'm glad that that wrapped up so that I can finally get to To our listener, Martin Hanel Martin Thank you, mom. Martin Hanel look and I'm guessing look at this H a Umlao

You put the umlao before or after when you umlao a you say umlao a or a umlao. I don't think you pronounce the umlao before or after when you umlao a you say umlao a or a umlao? I don't think you pronounce the umlao. I know but I'm trying to like spell it to you Let's say let's say it's a it's a spelling bee. Yeah, do you have to spell with the umlao? I don't know. I don't know spelling I'm going to umlao it Okay, so I want to see where this is a umla H and any any L. How would you say that? It's like Ha but with an umla

so it would be it's either Hanel. Hanel. Hanel. Hanel. Or I think it might be Hanel or hey no, I don't know. I don't know what the a umla. I don't know, but I'm given how much you were giving me before about wasting time, this is a enjoyable. All right, well, okay, let me,

I only wrote the Martin's thing. Okay, so, okay, got three words, Andy. Do you wanna try and guess what they are? Yeah, the first word is Rob Spier. Incorrect. Okay. Jeez. I wanted to say incorrect even before you said your words.

Here, what was your word? Rob Spier. What's that? He's one of the major guys in the French Revolution. One of the big characters. Yeah, but is that a word or was that a bunch of words? His name is Rob Speer, R O B E S P I E R E. He was eventually guillotine himself for crimes against the revolution. He guillotine himself. No, he was guillotine himself. He didn't guillotine himself. That's cool though. Yeah, no it is cool.

I picked you someone trying to do that, trying to like get the thing to work. A little auto. He does, he does, he never quit, you can't quite pull it up high enough and then it's on lands on your neck but he just kind of like hits up with the blunt force with the blunt force.

And he's like, oh, oh. And that's only your injured. Now you're trying to lift this heavy blade with your, with a crook neck. I wonder if there were any people in the revolution who forced someone to lift their own guillotine, like do the cranking of their own blade. That's some real sick shit. Okay, so the first word is not Rob's Pierre. Okay.

It's Andy. Okay. Andy guesses correctly. Those are the words. Incorrect. Damn. What's the second word? The second word is

Kent. is can't. Andy can't guess. Andy can't guess. It's this kind of thing. It's just some dumb thing like that. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,gins? No, it's not, it's not guess. You can guess, of course you can guess. Uh. But what can't you do, Andy? It's Andy can't win. Ah. You can't win.

All right. No, I can't win. I can't win. So, you can't win. That's very funny. You're fucking with us. Well, you're fucking with me specifically. It's very much part of me. You know, one of the treasured principles of this bit of the show is the big with it, fuckery. Andy can't win it. Well, I'm thinking about some kind of race,

some kind of, you know, race. I was picturing a race. Right, it's a race. I picture like the 100 meters sprint, right? But you have been like yours at the race. Okay, and everybody's getting ready at the race, okay? And everybody's getting ready at the starting point. But you have been put into a metal tube with a bottom at the bottom,

and then you're kind of sealed in, and then they poured metal in there so that you're completely trapped. It's like it was liquid metal that's hardened. Yeah, so I'm dead as well, right? No, no, no, no, your head is out. I still probably dead. No, no, no, your head is out. Like the liquid metal was a metal that wasn't like liquid

at burning temperatures. It was just, it was pretty warm and then now it's pretty hard. Yeah, okay, I probably can't breathe. I probably can't breathe. So I'm probably still dead. You can breathe a little bit because what you had done is you had thought about that and you'd expanded your lungs as much as you could.

Oh, great. Great. That's why they poured it so that. I really love my presence of mine here. That's great. Yeah, and so you'd pulled off it. That was a bit of a, you know, what's that guy, who'd any move? Yeah, and so you'd pulled off it. That was a bit of a, you know, what's that guy that Houdini move? Yeah, sure. Of course, if you'd been a bit more Houdini, maybe you could

have got yourself out of this situation. Before it arrives. Yeah, I won't. Okay, so, but then, so now you're essentially just laying down at the starting box. And and then everybody else is there, but you're sort of on your spot. And you need to win this. You need to win this. Yes. Your family gets it. Oh, no. Right. So this is my major. I've amazed that the Olympic committee has allowed this to take places. It's not the Olympics. Andy, this is the Commonwealth Games. Well, that explains it. They wouldn't allow that kind It's not the Olympics Andy this is the Commonwealth games. Oh well that explains it. They wouldn't allow that kind of thing at the Olympics. Yeah. So what do I do? Is that what you're saying? What's my? Yeah so I know you've got to try. I mean the only, I use the only tool that I have at my disposal. I use my silver tongue.

Are you doing something rolling? Well, I don't think that I realistically, I don't think I'm gonna be able to, like what part of my body can I move to get up any kind of momentum, my head? So I could be whipping my neck around, right? Trying to get a right. Oh, that would be great.

I went my hair back and forth. I went my hair back and forth. I would my hair back and forth. With my hair back and forth like that. Yeah, exactly. But I mean, even then, even if I get some motion going, there's no way I'm going to be able to accelerate at the same rate as these commonwealth games,

you know, level athletes. And so I think I'm then looking at, yeah, just, just my silver tongue. You're going to, I'm going to beg. Oh, beg. I thought you're going to sort of offer them some of my silver tongue. Yeah. Look at this. It's made of silver. Made of silver. We could split it. and of course, if somebody wins, though, the problem with that, if somebody even comes second, they're already going to get an equivalent amount of silver. Yeah.

In a, in a metal. Well, that was what I was seeing you have as my sketch idea was what about a race where you want to come second, right? Yeah. So you've got to go really fast to get up to the finish line. And then basically you wait there at the finish line just before until somebody else comes near you, grab them, chuck them over the line and leap over after them. So it's a real game of strategy then.

This, uh, well, it's it again. You get what? You want to come second, right? Yeah. So you run, you've got to be really quick so that you can get up to close to the finish line, right? Even you want to be in the lead till you're right at the finish line. Then you see someone else, the next person comes up, you grab them, chuck them over the

line, wrestle them over the line, and then they come first, but you then are able to go across and become second. Yeah, that's gonna be hard as well, especially if it's a really close race. Oh yeah. Yeah. So just cause like the price of gold is just plummeted. Yeah. It's really funny.

Yeah. Gold is become like worse than worthless, but silver is incredibly valuable. But the Olympic committee is refusing to change the podium staff at Speak Part of their tradition. And so now everybody is desperate to come in second place. Yeah, it's like some idea, like I don't know, like gold and somehow gets canceled. Yeah. You know, it turns out that gold has, you know,

it's been a, I don't know, I didn't want to say pet a file, but like, you know, gold has done some bad shit. It turns out that gold is really, like maybe gold is really bad for you or something like that. Sure. Turns out gold is worse than a spestos or something like that. And all this stuff, but maybe mentally, it's like it fucks up your brain. Turns out that like all that thing where people were like, well, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

It turns out it's just exposure to gold. Yeah. And so then people don't want to win it, but you know, the obviously the Commonwealth games are keeping up with the times. They're not going to like just get rid of gold just because of some, you know, new. Well, they've now got all this gold. I presume that they bought to make all the medals. And now they're trying to get rid of it as well. You know, yeah. So then they try to give you a gold for your second position and you're no. No.

Yeah. I was promised silver. Anyway, I think this is a sketch idea on this. All right. And that's why Andy can't win because Andy can't get this gold and then loses money. Pedophile gold. I'm happy with that, Alistair. Yeah, all right.

What do they make those the ribbons out of that the middle is a hung from? You're a nice silk. Sylon. Be nice if it was silk. Might probably is silk. Made out of silk worms. Ah, just clinging together. Imagine that.

It's a shirt that can make silk. It's a shirt that's made in tally out of silk worms. Yeah. Glue together. Ah. Well, you know, you genetically engineer a bunch of silk worms to be conjoined in the shape of a shirt. Oh, you genetically engineer just one big silkworm.

No, like a vest, like a big one that you can wear like a vest. Yeah. And you carry it around and its butt is over your butt. I think it would be you want to have a big, a big kind of caterpillar thing that you could wear. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I wonder, would you think birds would go after you? I guess they wouldn't be interested in caterpillar. You worm things if they're, if they're sort of wombat sized. I think they would be. I think that'd be interesting. You think so? But I think a pack. I think one of the big things that they love about insects is that they're

the size that they can put in their mouth. Yeah, they do like that. I don't think they would look at a catapillar the size of a horse and think, ah, catapillars, those things that I eat. Yeah. I must say, just in the interest of wrapping this up before I completely run out of batteries, would you like to take us through this sketch ideas? We got the stink lines debate. Whose responsibility is it to implement them? It feels like an idea, a version of an idea we've come up with before, but I still enjoy it.

Particularly that Bernie. Yeah, I'm not sure. I don't remember that, but updates to reality by God, This is God releases an update. Your butt is in a day in the past. Oh, sorry, your butt is a day in the past, so you don't have to deal with it. Yeah. But now you have to deal with a future shift.

Drinking, I don't think you're a dining glove. Slash, scraper spoon. I feel like that's the two things. There's kind of two ideas there. I think there's something that could be done, but I think a dining glove is pretty cool. Imagine that dining glove that just has a pocket in the palm that you can just scoop up like, you know, if you wanted to, a whole handful of soup and you could just sip at it while someone's talking to you.

So you don't have to keep bringing your head down towards the ball. Or you squeeze it and it squirts out, you know, sauce to my sauce onto what you're eating. Oh yes, well, you suppose you could have condiments. You have like, you kind of wear it like one of those camel packs like, you know, like people. I like the idea about God changing things in reality and about us complaining to him like going to him. He thinks that these are all big improvements. He's been working on this new version of reality for ages and he's really proud of it. And then we have to go to him and complain. And he's like, we'll just get used to it, but it's they're demonstrably bad ideas. Then we've got roasting is vegetable torture. Give up your sugars. He was just playing hard to eat ideas. Then we've got roasting is vegetable torture. Give up your sugars.

He was just playing hard to eat. And then we've got trying to win silver because gold is bad now. You know? Yeah. That's very good. Yeah, we got there, Andy. So, buu up to do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do You know, get a ticket to the old, uh, my client is innocent and Hong Kong hubba hubba ring a ding ding.

I show that I am hearing great things about, uh, with Alistair Trombley, virtual and Mat Stewart and on Monday's Angus Gordon. Thank you so much, I thank you, Andy. Thank you, everybody. I hope your lives continue to go good. And I hope you are well. And sorry about the disorgan organization with all these podcasts, but thank you very much for listening and sticking by.

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