Two In The Think Tank - 33 - "BOMB DETECTOR DETECTOR"

Episode Date: February 3, 2014

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E-yuh, e-yuh, uh-uh-uh, e-yuh, e-yuh, uh-uh-uh, e-yuh, e-yuh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh- And he's down for the count. Yeah, well, I couldn't make it. You win that one. Well, those things are hard to continue, Andy. You're not choking on your own phlegm. I think your words, actually, like, we had our mouths, because we're speaking in synchrony. We had our mouths up against each other. We had our mouths open and up against each other at the same time,

and I think your words, as they left your mouth, went into my mouth. And tickled your dangly bit. And, yeah, it went down me dangly. What's your dangly bit called? It's called your epiglottis. Epiglottis. I believe. I tickled your dangly bit with my low tones.

Dulcet tones. My dulcet tones. I would call them velvety. Actually, my voice isn't velvety. It's many things, Alistair. It's many things. It's not velvety is one of them. I can't think of any of the others right now.

I think if it was a texture, it would probably be sort of like a velour. Is a velour. Oh. Is a velour just like a fake velvet? Yeah, but isn't the velour the one that if you touch it one way, it's kind of smooth, and you touch it the other way, especially with your nails underneath, and it kind of feels really cold? Yes, that's how it's defined. I looked it up in the dictionary the other day. I was trying to look up velvet, but I only had a cheap rip-off dictionary,

so it only had the definition of velour. And what's the leather one? Pleather? Yeah. Okay, is there potential to have a sketch with a dictionary that is like a knock-off dictionary? It's not as good a dictionary that is like a knock-off dictionary. So it only has like non... It's not as good a dictionary. Exactly. They couldn't get the rights to the actual words.

So everything, it's just pleather and... No, but that would just be a great thing for you and me to just do. Just get like one of the best dictionaries. Because I think I've seen you've got one of those ones downstairs that's like comes in two or six volumes or whatever yeah okay and then just go through and just at every word we just come up with a shitter version of it a yeah a one of the letters really close to the beginning of the thing with the collection of letters it's it's like when uh with the music albums like you can get an album of like sounds like the beatles okay and then we will release

a dictionary of seems like english yeah oh but it would just be like just called look you can market it i could see it in in in the barnes and noble what's one of the ones i can just see it in Barnes & Noble. Oh, I could just see it in Barnes. Yeah, absolutely. Just burning down Barnes. But it's called Shit Dictionary. Shitdictionary. I'm going to write this down because I think it's definitely an idea. It's dictionary, but the dick is written dick.

D-I-C-K-T-I-O-N-A-R-Y. There you go. This is the second in our wacky dictionaries series of sketches that we are developing here on 2 and the Think Tank. Is the other one the one where it's the export quality dictionary? Export quality dictionary, where we take out all the embarrassing words. Oh, yeah. Not ones that are, like, rude, like, you know, anus,

but ones that are embarrassing, like bottom. And polywaffle. And polywaffle. Exactly. Yeah. And. Fluffy. So a fox.

Yeah. It's sort of a little dog animal that's more golden in color, but the tail like of a squirrel, but a big squirrel. And that was the definitions that we could have in there. Yeah, great. yeah great um speaking of fox your use of the word fox um made me think how weird is it that um this is a thought that i'd had before but i was reminded of it it was brought back to my mind uh how weird is it that the news channel like a huge news channel in america is called fox like that's an animal. Like, that could... I feel like that could just as easily be dog or cat.

And the world would be a possibly better place. Yeah. You're listening to dog news. Okay, let's do this. Let's do Fox News, but they only do news about foxes. Okay? They have opinion, like really hard hitting opinion guys,

pundits, fox pundits. Yeah, and so, okay, so they're going, uh... Cut off his mic! No, but the foxes in this region are attacking the children from what we gather, and the

churchgoers are no longer able to enter their parish due to the fox carcasses that the other foxes are killing. They're both killing and fucking. And being killed. And being killed. Would you say that this is a part of the fox war on Christmas? Is this a thing that we should be worried about? Turn off his mic. No, turn off his mic.

We'll do it live. All that stuff. All that good stuff? All that, yeah. Okay, done. Right, next. Wow, we're, okay, look,

we're going to come up with 12 today. 12 sketches. Fox News. Come on. Okay, this one is one called Box News and they only do news

about boxers. That's three sketches. Done, right, go. Andy, I wish I do news about boxers. That's three sketches. Done. Right. Go. Andy, I wish I could write that one down. That's all right. I hadn't put that much thought into that one. Really?

Yeah, I was just kind of making it up as I went along. Sounded like a kind of just... Alistair? Sorry, I didn't mean to yawn, Andy. Well... You look offended as if I'm completely responsible for what my body does. Can we do a sketch? Okay, you know how people talk about yawns being infectious, right? Can we do a sketch that's like the movie Outbreak but with yawning?

And so everybody's eyes are bleeding and things like that because it was just yawns. I don't know if their eyes are bleeding. That's all I remember from the movie Outbreak. There's a little monkey and then everybody's eyes are bleeding. Eyes are bleeding, yeah. It's pretty horrible. Yeah. It escalates very quickly.

It gets very much out of hand. Yeah. Goddamn monkey. Sometime in Africa in the 1960s, there was an outbreak of this yawn where everybody in the town started yawning. Yeah. No, well, it starts off with a little monkey in a lab yawns.

And then before you know it, people are executing other people in the streets because, Alistair, is this talk of yawning making you yawn again? It made me yawn again, yeah. Oh, well. There you go. Can we do that? Can we have...

But wait, why are they killing people in the streets? Because they're yawning. Because they've got to stop the infection. They've got to stop the infection of yawns. Yeah, at no point do they stop and discuss the fact that it's not that serious. Okay? But it's just... The army is sending...

Like, it's sort of spreading across the country. Yeah, yeah. Right? I mean, we could do it in Australia. It doesn't have to happen in Africa. Because I think I feel worse having people shot in Africa. It's not happening in Africa. Well, I know.

Earlier I said Africa. Did you? Oh, okay. Yeah. But it was only because I was referring to a Radiolab sketch where all these people started laughing. There was like a laughing epidemic. It's not a sketch.

They don't do sketches on Radiolab. You don't? You don't? I'm not sure. I was watching a 730 Report sketch the other day, and boy, those characters are fantastic. I mean, the level of detail that they put into it, you would really believe it's a news program. Yeah, but it's, you know,

look, a lot of people have put a lot of method acting into that. It's almost like they've lived an entire life to build this character and a backstory. And anyway, basically, I reckon we can set it in australia yep okay and uh you can just sort of see the like you know it's like the the war room the strategy room in in the uh from asio or the australian military building the australian pentagon yeah what would that be what's the australian version of the Pentagon? It's kind of just like a boomerang.

Yeah, the boomerang. Great, perfect. The ring. Because in America they call it the gong. Do they really? No. Yeah, that would be great. Actually, the gong.

The gong. Pentagon. Pentagon? Pentagon. Doesn't matter. Do you think they have a gong show at the Pentagon? Yes. The? Pentagon. Doesn't matter. Do you think they have a gong show at the Pentagon? Yes. The Pentagon show. And it's all these guys that are like head of defense and things like that.

Trying not to do ventriloquist acts and things like that. And the other members judge them. Yeah. You get taken out by a drone if they don't like it. Yeah. A scud. Yeah. A scud missile.

A scud. A scud missile is definitely the coolest missile. But I think that was the one. A missile called Scud. I think that was the ones that the Iraqis used. Probably. That you couldn't really aim. Yeah, but it was cool.

Yeah, absolutely. It was like that kid at school who didn't really have any direction. He clearly wasn't going to do anything with his life, but he just went into things just with an attitude, and he was called Scud. Do you think it would be cool if the Iraqis just had Mark Philippousis? Yes. Oh, they've got the Scud.

Oh, no, he's going to have sex with you young women. And drive a fast car and go bankrupt. Oh, the worst missiles. Oh, and worst missiles. Oh, and then he's going to start a relationship with Delta Goodrum and she's going to write a song about him, but then he's going to break up with her just as she releases it. Is that what happened? Yeah.

Oh, that's a missile with no direction right there. Because the song went, A new beginning, a new chapter in my life. You know the song? Oh, I just remember that because I remember laughing. That's okay. They're not really people. That's so true.

Yeah. You're 100% correct. Okay, so on the map, you can see the yawn sort of spreading out, right? And so what they do is they have to just get guys in choppers. Yeah. That are just like, you know, like how they go and hunt wild horses and deer and things like that

and they just shoot them from the air. And so that's what they see as they see people's mouths start gaping open. Maybe somebody with no yawn reflex, they have to get

the yawn free squad. I don't know how they're going to do this. Okay, they have to send in drones. That's what they have to do. Or just people who are really alert Yeah

Like Had a lot They find out the antidote is coffee I imagine at the end Like Coffee All along Simple coffee

No if you just give people The common cold It's like It's the same thing It's the same ending as War of the Worlds Yeah that's what I was trying to do But with coffee

Yeah That works too It's the common No yours doesn't work I know of the world. Yeah, that's what I was trying to do, but with coffee. Yeah, that works too. It's the common coffee. No, yours doesn't work. I know. Yours doesn't work at all. Anyway, they just start shooting them from the air.

Yeah. And then they just kill people. But then the guys who were shooting them get it. And the guys in the control room who were watching from the drones. Well, they've been up, yeah, because they've been working so late.

Trying to control it staying up in the war room and then what happens is they end up Australia realises, the strategists realise that they're going to have to sacrifice their own local defence system because it'll go through the boomerang

department and it'll kill everybody but at least the yawn will have stopped. I know at least we lost all our military personnel and all Australia's best minds and first and last

lines of defense but at least we stopped the spread of the yawn. The yawns, the terrible yawns. We're not writing that down. You don't think so? No, I'm not happy with any of that. I think that was really disappointing.

Wow. It was a big yawn, that sketch, that entire thing. I felt nothing the entire time. If I seemed to be enjoying myself, Alistair, I was faking it. I wasn't having a good time Andy I'm writing it down that whole sketch I'm writing it don't do it don't write it down why no you can write it down we wrote down fox news about foxes that was a great idea like this this thing we actually had things happen that one was just a sentence

and then it was just we were just saying things that Bill O'Reilly said in that one clip. Alistair is a huge difference between a great concept and a well-fleshed-out concept. Okay, write it down. Stop. Oh, God. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn.

Epidemic. Okay, Al's going to do that in his podcast, one in the two-seater think tank. In the yawn. Land. Land. Oh. Yawn.

Oh. I don't know why you just reacted so poorly to that. Well, I felt bad. It looked like you received a body shot. In this podcast, Alistair, I'm the one who comes up with good names for things, and you're the one who comes up with bad names for things. What in the yawn land is a bad name for a thing? What in the yawn land?

See, if you'd said it, it would have been fine. But I'm in character as me at the moment. How about this? Alistair is sitting down. That'll be... Oh, that's really bad. That's even bad by my standards. Cool.

All right, let's keep moving forward. Let's keep moving. Yeah. Moving forward. Moving forward. What is your favorite form of transport, Alistair? Probably elevator. What is your favorite form of transport, Alistair?

Probably elevator. I mean, if we could just get elevators that just come to your door or that are just out in the hallway, but they could go sideways and take you everywhere. Yeah, like on roads. They could go on roads. Yeah, but you never see outside. So you don't never really feel the travel in heaven. You're just standing awkwardly next to strangers. Waiting for something to go bing. Yeah, but you can just look down at your phone.

This would be great, okay? And then we could have horizontal directions, could be A to Z, right? And up and down could continue to have its 1, 2, 3, 4 stories thing. And then as long as we all just lived in a two-dimensional plane, which, come on, we're heading that way. Let's accept it. We're all heading towards just living on a Cartesian plane. Do you think it would just be more efficient?

It would be so much more efficient. Everything would be a grid reference. Yeah. much more efficient everything would be a grid reference yeah and uh i mean you wouldn't you know you would get the design plan for your house and you like the and it would be a straight line nobody no he would give you the design plan to your house and then you could just live in the design plan oh yeah because it's a 2d representation you just pin it to the wall and live in it the whole building industry would collapse but the house. You just pin it to the wall and live in it. The whole building industry would collapse, but the architecture industry would just thrive.

Well, the building industry would collapse down to two dimensions. Of course. Like a collapsible top hat. But think of how many trees we would save. Can we do anything? We can't. Can we do anything We can't Can we do anything with the fact

That the word You're going to love this Alistair This is a concept Can we do anything with the fact that the word collapse If you say it too quickly just sounds like the word collapse Actually if you If you sort of just say it... Claps.

It claps. Claps. But you never say claps, like plural. You never say claps, right? Yeah. No, we don't. Yeah, that's three claps. Yeah, three claps.

Like, again, it's a thing that is so far from reality, it can't be anything. I don't know. We'll think about it. All right. We'll keep it in the back of our mind. I'm disappointed because just before I came up with that awful idea, I had an idea that I thought was promising. What were we talking about just before we talked about the two-dimensional building

plans, pinning the plans to the wall, living in a two-dimensional? Nah, I got nothing. Yeah, that's okay. It's all good. The elevator. Can we make a movie called Hell-evator? That was it. It's a horror movie set entirely in an elevator, and it's called Hell-evator.

And just somebody takes a shit real early on. I think that might be a Sarah Silverman joke. Oh, really? She's trapped in an elevator and she's like, look, let's designate this corner as the place and I'm gonna go right now. She just goes real

as it stops. Oh, that's great. But, okay. There might be something in this, right? The idea of a horror movie set in an elevator, okay, but this is, there might be something in this, right? The idea of, like, a horror movie set in an elevator, okay? But it is, like, the horror isn't just, like, traditional horror horror. It's just, like, inconvenience horror. Like, maybe even this is just, like, a new genre of film.

It's not, like, a, because there's different genres of horror movies, right? Absolutely. There's slasher films. There's torture porn, right? There's zombies. This is like inconvenience porn horror movies. Well, I thought, what if it's like, okay, the bad guy is a guy of... It's two guys, maybe.

Yeah. Okay. And they end up fighting each other they're both sort of the bad guys but depending on you know towards each other and they end up having to fight having a fight in this elevator and they're stuck in this elevator but they're pretty much of equal strength and so they so they don't really make any headway, you know, and so they kind of just wrestle and they fall to the ground and then they kind of do that for a bit and then they kind of stop and then they realize that they're angry with each other again

and they wrestle again. Why are they in an elevator? Because they were just going somewhere downstairs. So it's just two guys of equally matched strength. Yeah. That's really fun. I think we could do that pretty realistically. Like, we could just wrestle.

I don't know if anyone would enjoy that as a sketch. But not as a full-length feature. Yeah. This is pretty interesting. Okay. This is like a feature-length fight. Okay. Real-time, I imagine, between two guys,

like just regular guys of equal strength. There's really something in that. Like, it would so quickly just descend into just tiredness, right? And that would be the thing. And I think there would still be the element of, like, people are kind of indestructible, in that, like,

you could break a bottle over somebody's head or something, and they wouldn't die, the way that we would film this. Yeah. But, like, they would still get tired. Yeah,

but then you'd also just try to take every other kind of, like, strategic advantage you could, so you'd hope that, like, maybe some one of the guys would nod off and you might smack him across the face or try to knee him in the head or something like that.

Because you'd take breaks and then you'd go sit in your opposite corner and then you'd keep arguing about whatever's made you so angry that you fight, but then you don't make any headway. Because the argument is also quite equally matched. Yeah. So there are verbal sections. It's like pie versus cake or something like that. Although something more important. Yeah. So there are verbal sections. It's like pie versus cake

or something like that. Although something more important. Yeah. Horizontal slicing of sandwiches versus diagonal slicing of sandwiches. There you go. Yeah, triangles or squares. Triangles or rectangles.

Yeah. Good. Is a square a rectangle? But a rectangle's not a square. Yeah, that's right. That's what it is. Absolutely. I got it the first time.

You're 100% correct. Alistair, write that down. Fincher length equal matched fight. But I also want you to write down inconvenience horror movie. Okay, because I think that's an idea. I think maybe we could do it as a sort of a... See, this is my instinct

to explain the sketch to the audience but like it would have the director talking about how um you know he the horror movie uh you know had progressed to this particular point you know where we were seeing you know movies like the saw franchise and stuff where uh it got to the point where people were no longer and no longer like affected by violence and gore and the only thing that can really like that really terrifies people in the modern age is inconvenience like uh i remember watching the movie uh he talks like this i remember watching the movie the ring and i remember i saw all these horrible things happening to people but the only scene in the movie that i actually found

terrifying was the scene where they're they have no reception on the mobile phone well like you know as she was hanging upside down and the monster was eating her legs a little bit of thread from her scarf was dangling and you could see it was touching her eyeball but she couldn't get it off and just that dry cotton on her moist eye just being so uncomfortable you know that that is really what was affecting me. True horror is in the modern age. So now we were somewhere between a French guy like Michel Gondry and then we started to get a little bit closer to Werner Herzog. Yeah, I was actually trying to do him from the start. That's cool. That's fine.

Did you write that down? Inconvenience porn? I got it right here. But it's a horror movie, right? Yeah. Like I think if we were to read that back, we'd think it was all about the porn. No, no, no. But it's not. It's mostly about the horror.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of a first world problems kind of thing. Andy, I know how much you hate that, so I wouldn't even agree with that. Good. Yeah. Thank you. you hate that so i wouldn't even agree with that good yeah i think i think it's uh it's you know like there's nothing scarier than something that makes you feel trapped and like time is gonna be like you know like something that makes you feel like

like you don't know when it's gonna to end? Yeah, and when you look ahead, you just see a large expanse of time where it could just continue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is like a conversation with someone that you don't know very well at the party and you can't see how it's going to end. And somebody's just gone to the toilet

and you know that they are going for a while. They're like, I'm sorry, I forgot my purse at the other side of the mall. I'll be right back. And then you're like, I... And you've been speaking for two minutes with this person and you're already at the end of everything

you have to say to them. You've asked them what they do and it is the worst thing. It's like... It's call center. You've asked them what they do and it is the worst thing. It's like... It's call center. Yeah, it's call center or they sell clothes or something. Oh. It's funny.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, there's horror in that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Or, you know, like, knowing that you've got to go to the toilet

and there's nowhere to go close by and you're in an urban area. There's nothing that you can do. Yeah. And you've just got something on deck. Something on deck. On the poop deck. Yeah.

Is that inconvenience? Can I mention a sketch that I really, really love? Yeah. Someone else's sketch. It was on the Pod F TomCast. Paul F Tom. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.

So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. ...did a sketch that was like a parody of the Final Destination movies.

But it was, what had happened was that instead of being supposed to have died in a plane crash, or whatever it was in those movies. I haven't seen them. But he and a friend of his were supposed to have caught lice at a year, like, eight camp or something. And then, yeah, it was just like a question of the lice, like, sort of hunting them down and finding ways to catch up with them.

Now, I don't normally like parody, but that was brilliant. That was like, I don't know, lice. Yeah. It's the perfect sort of mundane thing, but that does have that hint of inevitability. It's like if you did Jurassic Park again, but instead you brought back, instead of dinosaurs that are dangerous and interesting, you brought back things like the dodo and the white rhino, which just went extinct, I think.

It's not like that at all, Alistair. Yeah, but it's like, well, I know it's not funny, but you can imagine a guy showing you around and you're like, I can see how it didn't really affect my life that these things were gone. And it now doesn't really affect my life that they're back. Yeah. But then there'd be like, something would go wrong and there would be an escape and your life would still be exactly the same. And you're like in the car and it stops. And then you look out and you go, Oh yeah, dodos don't come out in the rain.

So I could probably just go outside. Just walk. Yeah. Yeah. And then you don't see any. Or maybe the rhino. You know, rhino might be angry. But they live in Savannah.

Why would you put, why would there be loads of rain? What's the rain got to do with it? Well, in Jurassic Park, they're in the rain. When the T-Rex comes and eats that guy who was sitting on the toilet. That was like the one scene that I had seen from Jurassic Park until really recently. Like, I was too scared of the idea. And then I, like, while my cousins or something were watching watching it i came into the room just as that was happening and i was like this is more terrifying than i could possibly have imagined the guy has been eaten on the toilet that is like the this was coming hot

on the heels of the episode of round the twist where there's like a skeleton on the toilet and i was like well that's toilets done for me now. I don't know what I'm going to do. Why is the skeleton going to the toilet? There was an episode called like Skeleton on the Dunny or something. Anyway, there was a guy who died on the toilet. And I don't know. But anyway, like they opened, there was this outdoor toilet.

They opened it. There might have been a skeleton in there sitting on the toilet. Anyway, that was terrifying. Our toilet was at the toilet. Yeah. They opened it. There might have been a skeleton in there sitting on the toilet. Anyway, that was terrifying. Our toilet was at the top. Rotted away. It was over many, many years ago. Yeah. But like there was a, our toilet at our house was at the top of the stairs.

And you had to walk all the way up the stairs in the dark to be able to switch on the light. And it was just a source of real fear. Yeah, no, the unknown, Andy. Yeah. The unknown. Yeah, skeletons and dinosaurs. It's great that we just assume that, because we don't know what's there,

we just assume that it's going to be something bad. But do you think that there's like a, did you ever have any particular fears associated with the toilet? Because I wonder if like historically as animals, like that would have been a time when we were very vulnerable right go like when we were on the toilet you know you're you are distracted you are sort of inconvenienced like escaping i don't know i feel like like we are more likely weird like dogs look like they're they're very vulnerable they don't look. I feel like we are more likely... Dogs look weird. Dogs look like they're... They're very vulnerable.

They don't look like they're enjoying themselves at all. But yeah, I feel like that would be a thing that, evolutionarily speaking, we would be very wary about where we go to the toilet. And then if we are given the information that, look, you've got to watch out for dinosaurs and skeletons, it's completely understandable that I was terrified of the toilet. Yeah, but I don't, I've never had any of those things other than, like, in sort of public

cubicles where you can tell that the doors don't really lock properly and shit like that. Then there's just... A dinosaur could come in. Yeah, that's right. You know, a raptor, and they, like, you know, and The cubicles don't go all the way to the ground. You'd see that muzzle sniffing around the bottom of the cubicle.

There'd be a stench around. You'd go, oh, I just let out all my stench. He'll find me really easily. Because of my stench. Yeah. I don't know why a dinosaur would smell shit and then he would go there he is. Yeah. I don't know, like, why a dinosaur would smell shit and then he would go,

there he is. Yeah, lunch. Yeah, here we go. Here we go. Eh, probably. If I smelled shit, I wouldn't follow that stench. But then maybe that's why

we're not, you know, we're scavengers, aren't we? We're not, like, we weren't predators. Well, I wasn't. Sorry, you were going to say something before. Was I? I think so.

That's fine. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. So here we go. All right, Alistair. Airports. Yep. Security.

At the airport. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yep. Okay, so... Random bomb test. Okay, right. No, no right no no you walk through oh no wait okay he he yeah random bomb test blah blah he asks you he goes yep and he swabs your thing no it's like yeah i've done this before blah blah and then he tests it and he goes it's come up with uh

with you know like positive positive Positive for bomb materials or whatever. Yeah, explosives. And then you get out, like, a $20 note, and you slip it in his hand, and you go, you didn't see nothing. You didn't detect nothing. You didn't detect nothing. And he goes...

And you just go... Have a safe flight, mate. And he sends you through. Is that true? But, like, yeah, that thing about. And he sends you through. Is that true? But, like, yeah, that thing about, like, have you done this before? Everybody's done it before now. Have you done this before? Yes.

Have you? Well, then stop asking me. Yeah. That doesn't go anywhere. Like, why does it even matter whether or not I have done it before? Is it going to be any different? But I bet those guys have never found like samples of explosives right so like say that they do find on you uh an exploit okay so that's the thing and he goes it's come up positive for bomb traces and you're like oh okay so what do

we do now and the guy's like i don't know yeah uh can you go into this room? No. No, my flight's leaving. Oh. Just check my bag for stuff. No, but I like that. I'll miss my flight. He's like, oh, yeah. Don't want to make you miss your flight.

Could it just be that I came in contact with some chemicals? I reckon that's probably it. That's probably it. That's probably it. It's not quite a sketch. No, not quite. Not quite. Here we go.

We're in a restaurant. Yeah. A waiter trips over. Okay, no, sorry. We're in a bomb factory. Yeah. Okay, and they test you for traces of airport. Done.

Done. And you go, have you been in an airport recently? And you go, yeah. And then you go... I might have just come into contact with some planes. Oh, with some backpackers. Some backpackers. Yeah, okay.

What's a situation where we can twist that? Sorry, were you going to say something else? No, no, no. We can twist the idea of testing uh yeah i don't know like like security guards okay when they come into some other scenario right okay so like uh or airplane pilots when they try and go into a mosque or something like that came into my mind first thing that came into my mind. This isn't quite right, but it's like an old Italian mother who, as you go into her kitchen to eat dinner, like as you go to the table to eat dinner,

she tests you to see if you have any bottles of tomato sauce on you because she doesn't want you to ruin her food. That's just the first thing that came into my head yeah yeah yeah okay what if but then like it security could go to the next level where like uh they're worried about you carrying with you things like tomatoes things that could be used to make tomato sauce yeah that's right yeah and, well, what are these bags of tomatoes and onions in here for and sugar? Oh, sorry. We can't let you take that onto the plane.

I mean, that could be you. We can't let you take that into Nonna's place. Yeah, into... That could be used to make tomato sauce. Tomato sauce that could be used to ruin her cooking, her calzone. And it's called plain food, okay? But it's spelled differently. Yeah.

P-L-A-I-N. Look, you could write that down. I'm going to write it down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Testing for traces of tomato sauce ingredients it's interesting there's something there maybe we need to find a different scenario for it maybe it like what's the thing

like i like the idea of like testing... Testing the actual security. Yeah. But, no, sorry. No, I like what you're saying. But I like the idea of, you know, that we can take it in the direction of, oh, you've got things that could be used to make such and such. Yeah. Okay?

So then it's just a question of what the such and such is. I think, for some reason, it feels implausible to me that an Italian grandma would have this high security setup. Sure. And while that's no reason not to do it, for some reason it feels just really weird. Yeah. Well, it's either we're expanding sort of the security systems that are set up at airports. Yeah. So somehow, yeah, an expanding of that or

okay so like it maybe it's even like an advertisement like the uh and this could be the the the people who run the security things are trying to expand their businesses so they're trying to find other areas that it could be in right and maybe we could do a series of them in which in which they've they've like you know made their services available to this person and this person and this person yeah but i mean i also did like your idea of um somehow testing something on the on the security people and then not letting them into something uh so what are the because okay first of all they're they're they're they're sort of using power they're sort of abusing power a little bit uh they're worrying too much okay well could you just test people to see whether or not they've

ever been an airplane security guard an airport security guard okay so we just oh no look okay so this is just a machine it just tests for traces of bomb testing machines so just to see if you've come into contact with a bomb testing machine yes um we don't we don't we're not interested in having uh any people from airport security uh in the building so um do you mind if you just hold up your arms? Yeah, this is exclusively a... Sorry, we don't... It's just we only have non-airport security people in this building. Yeah.

And it's just a building where everybody has fun. That's all this is. Where everybody can lead them. And everything moves easily and basically nobody abuses their power. You could really... We had a real problem. We had a party a while ago, and there was an airport security person in there,

and they brought the whole thing down, and it really killed the night for everyone. Yeah, look, it's fine. There's other things that are not allowed in there as well. I guess there's people who write the privacy uh you know agreements for for software and social media platforms could sorry uh and then like at some point like a a clearly muslim guy with a big beard goes into the party right and this the airport security person that they've stopped at the door is like why are you letting him in you're like oh come on have you ever like

i mean we're not racially profiling here have you ever seen someone looking like that working at airport security come on man yeah we have to be pragmatic about these things all right we're just trying to protect as many people as we can. And that went somewhere. It went somewhere. Guys, that went somewhere, all right? Look, it might have even made a point. A point.

So never let it be said that we don't make a point. I'm never going to let that be said, Andy. Because what do you and me do? Make points. Yeah, make points. That's right. We're like... A couple of point makers.

Yeah, like a pencil sharpener. Yeah, like a pair of Stanley knives. We're like... A couple of point makers. Like hands. We're like a really successful football player. Yeah, like an arrow. Yeah, good. We're like a really successful football player. Yeah, like an arrow. Yeah, good.

We're like a... Oh, we make points like that, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. And, wait, what's the other one? We're like the process of erosion at a bay that creates two bays next to each other, and then like a bit in between it. An isthmus that could also be known as a point. Or, is there an isthmus?

An isthmus? What's an isthmus? I don't know, but I like the idea that there's the Christmas isthmus. Well, there's Christmas Island, and then there's Christmas isthmus. Well, there's Christmas Island and then there's Christmas-eth-smiths. A lot of people don't know about... Is this like a sort of a pointier peninsula? Yeah.

Maybe, actually, I think maybe an isthmus is a thin bit of land that joins two islands. I think there might be an isthmus on Moriah Island in Tasmania and another one on Bruny Island. So is it only there during low tide or something like that? A lot of the time, yes. I think that is a thing. What you don't know is that between Christmas Island and Easter Island there's actually an isthmus.

An isthmus. It's called the Easter isthmus. That's good. It's called the Christmas isthmus It's called The Easter isthmus That's good No it's called the Christmas isthmus Yeah well maybe it would just have to be Christmas Island and Christmas Island 2 Okay Boxing Day Island

Yeah Yeah I don't know Look Christmas Island and Christmas Eve-land There's an isthmus What's an Eve-land? No it's just Christmas Eve And I just turned it Christmas Eve-land, there's an isthmus called the Christmas... What's an Eve-land?

No, it's just Christmas Eve, and I just turned it into Eve-land. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to wrap up the podcast, Alistair? I want to come up with one more thing, Andy. You don't want to wrap it up like a Christmas-ismas? I do want to. On Christmas Eve-land?

But then, look, because I just want to get one more thing out. Okay, sure. So, look, we can meditate for a second if you want to get this one out. All right. Let's just... Can we put our hands together in the middle of the table? Sure. And, look, I want you to just say the first word that comes into your mind,

and I'll tell you the first word that comes into mind. Bondage. Bondage. All right. And then I just got squirrel bondage. Okay, great. So. So, okay, I'm seeing like a squirrel in leathers.

Yeah. Actually, I was thinking one of those rubber suits. Yeah, okay. You know, and, you know, and then he's got like a little nut dressed up as a gimp. Okay, so what I'm thinking. He's a little nut dressed up as a gimp. Okay, so what I'm thinking... He's got a nut dressed up as a gimp. Hey, that might be something, Alistair. That might be something.

I'm thinking, and it's another classic reversal. Oh, and it's to do with dogs and people, so I'm not going to do it. We've had like six episodes in a row with a classic reversal to do with dogs and people. Okay, well, let's say... What's the first thing that comes into your mind now? Cheese. Cheese? Yes. Okay, now I'm thinking bondage.

So just cheese dressed up in leather, dressed up and not as a gimp. Okay, so this is sort of like a joke that you did once, Alistair, Okay, so this is sort of like a joke that you did once, Alistair, is about how sex is the only thing where people feel like they need to mix it up to keep it interesting, right? Yeah. People don't do that with food. Yeah. How does the bit go?

Well, man, I can't remember, even though I don't entirely believe that that's true now. But do you know the bit that I'm talking about? Yeah, they would go like, you know, I would never go. I love cake. I love cake. But what if I tried to. Oh, no.

I love riding my bike. Yeah. I love riding my bike. But I never feel the need to, like, choke myself with the chain and ride it upside down. Yeah. So the bike can be on top. Yeah. Or ride it upside down yeah so the bike can be on the on top yeah that's what yeah or ride it upside down or it's like hey how about you go down on the bottom and choke me with the chain so it'll be better when we get there yeah

yeah okay can we do something like that like sure like uh uh food but uh making it sort of kinkier in some way. So it's like a... It's like cheese is dressed up in leather. That's all I'm picturing. Well, you go to like a food shop. Yeah.

But it's like a sex shop. Right. And so you go there and there's just this different ways to sort of like inject your food into your mouth and, you know, and handcuffs for your cheese.

Handcuffs for sausages so you can manacle them to the plate. You're cooking them and then maybe you've got to... For some reason I'm seeing a couple of mince patties on a hot plate that have going like that.

And meanwhile, there's a guy just whipping them. Yeah. Great. Yeah? You think there's a sketch? I think there's a sketch in that. I think there's a sketch in that. We need to do these more often, Andy.

Why? Because you think we're not informed? I think we're not informed sometimes. It's fine. We got some good things out of it at certain points. I think that thing with testing for traces of bomb detector machines. Yeah. I think that totally works.

Yeah. I think it works. And the dictionary. Oh, yeah. The shit dictionary. I mean, that should just be our life. Just be a book. It could be.

That could be one of our life projects. Yeah. That and the book of 1001 jokes about focus groups knock knock who's there focus group

oh I fucked it up focus who focus group that's in the first one focus group who focus group who decided that this was the most accessible kind of joke

that would be enjoyed by the biggest number of people. That could be our second one. Yeah. Yeah. Cool, man. So, I guess I'll run us through the... Yeah, take us through it. We've got shit dictionary or dick-tionary, but I think people won't buy it if it says dick-tionary.

Like, maybe we could call it schlong-shinary Yeah, right Okay, Fox News, but it's about foxes That's a great sketch Cut off his mic We're gonna do it live And other soundbites Stop the yawn epidemic

Yeah You know, and then it's spreading And then they're just shooting people From airplanes Yeah, and the guys in the helicopters are getting a yawn. And then they end up killing each other. Like the zombie apocalypse. Yeah, great.

And then possibly they call in a nuclear strike on Canberra. Because they realize it's infected them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Look, it's fine. Feature-length film about equal strength fight in an elevator. Yeah. And then there's also inconvenience porn,

which is a horror movie style. Plain food, which is testing for traces of tomato sauce making things outside an Italian nonna's house. Yes. So you don't ruin her food. Yes. Maybe her son just works for the TSA. Yeah, great.

We got testing for whether someone has ever worked in airport security and they're not allowed into a fun place. Yes. Possibly a ball pit. Yeah. Oh, that'd be cool. Probably the most fun place. I've never been, but... Oh, that's great.

Look, they should have adult ball pits i think heaven is probably a ball pit yeah i mean you wouldn't think a ball pit is fun uh based on the name if you just look think about ball pit yeah it sounds like well the sweaty area behind your balls yeah i mean that would be crazy also to have a move like a like a porn move called that where just get a bunch of guys and they just all kind of touch you with their balls like just just like just tens of men just crouching around you or just laying their balls on you they're all underneath like a pit yeah they'll push their balls up through holes and you just jump in and sort of what if what if they're just kind of all...

Oh, that'd be awful. Sort of hand-standing a little bit. Right. And they've just all kind of got their legs sort of spread like that. And then you just lay between their legs like they're in a row. And you just lay on their balls. Call that move the ball pit. I reckon I could be like a really creative porn like

Yeah. Maker. I mean I don't think it would nobody would even come. It would just be all like putting people into positions and rolling around.

Exactly. Like I think I think Hollywood has been giving us pornos that all end

with ejaculation. Yeah. Where's the twist? Exactly. Sometimes that doesn't happen. That's not very realistic. Sometimes somebody tries to have sex with someone and they shit themselves. And they don't enjoy it.

What a twist. Yeah. I'm like the M. Night Shyamalan of pornos. Midnight Shambly Van. That's all I think of whenever I see his name. The Midnight Shambly Van. And it's like this truck that drives around the neighborhood and

it picks up the people who are just a bit too shambolic to be out on the streets. It sounds kind of fun though. I reckon I'd quite enjoy a ride in the midnight shambly van. Yeah, and so it's just all people who are just a little bit too shambolic, and so their hair's messed up, and there's people who are just woken up for night shift.

Yeah. I didn't have much time to have a shower. I was just going to go get some oats for breakfast from the local supermarket. 7-Eleven. Yeah. I got picked up by the Midnight Chamblee van. We've only just started kicking into gear now. This is fucked.

Anyway, this has been a pleasure. You haven't even gone through all the sketches yet. I wrote down just food whipping, but that's where you just go. Oh, yeah. It's like you just basically do sex alternatives we only just did that one people have probably not forgotten that one yet

you've not forgotten you're still there so here we go here we go here we go off we go we're leaving

here we go here we go oh no gotta go that wasn't a very good beatbox let's do a better one here we go Good beatbox. Let's do a better one. Good. Thanks for listening, guys.