Two In The Think Tank - 331 - "BEE-BEARD THE PIRATE"

Episode Date: April 27, 2022

All Bone Man, Loovre, Too Shirty for this Sex, BrownTooth, Satire Works, Bee-BeardCheck out Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Thank you to everyone who came to our shows at MICF - you are the true heroes (along with everyone else who couldn't)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereThanks forte to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi icons, it's Danny Pellegrino from the Pop Culture Podcast, everything iconic, and I love Nordstrom. No place better to shop, particularly during the holiday season, because they have everything. They have holiday decor at Nordstrom. They have cozy cardigans from Barefoot Dreams, my fave. They have cold weather attire, party attire, plus free shipping and free returns. Free store pickup, you can also purchase a recycled fabric gift bag so your item arrives festive and wrapped. So check out Nordstrom this holiday season, a one-stop shop. You can explore more at Nordstrom in store or online at Nordstrom.com. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb That little number. Buh. Andy, how about this?

Okay. How about we do two, three words from a listener today? Oh. Because just as I was looking for a three word, you know, people send them in after I was talking about how the whole system broke down. Anyway, turns out the new system is breaking down as well. But. Well, I understand that the old system is a lot like the new system is breaking down as well. But, well, I understand that the old system

is a lot like the new system. And vice versa. Well, the new system is like, is like I don't even collect them all into one place. And so anyway, but I realized that the problem with the last one was that I don't, was that I, it's hard to know which ones I've already done because I forget everything. to know which ones I've already done because I forget everything

Anyway, but while I was why I'd already written down two words a three words Imagine if I was starting to write only write down two words. That's how you could fuck it up one more time I noticed somebody had sent me a message saying my words were missed and then I had already missed that message again Wow, so so we're gonna start off with three words from Alex Lloyd because he is amazing. Yes. And, and the three words, Andy. Yes. Do you want to try and guess because we missed Alex's last words and we're gonna miss him again if we don't do them right now. Okay, the first word is street scape. Is what? Street scape, street scape, you know, like a landscape.

But in the street. There's kind of a similarity to it, like in terms of the letters. You ready? Skeleton. Oh! Yeah, my son Remi today said, did you know a skeleton is a person but made for bones?

And I thought, you know what, you're right. You're absolutely right. Yeah, it's a person without their skin coat. Do you think that we could invent a person that's entirely bone-based? You know, that like that is still functions, right? But it would have to use bones in novel ways, you know, bones for everything, it's all bones. Well, like having an exoskeleton and an endoscelotum,

is it an endoscelotum? Is that a hot? Exactly, right. I mean, you look at something like the ear and you're like, isn't that great? It's using bones in a totally new way, right? And I'd just like to see if we could do that for every other bit of the body as well.

Anyway. I like collecting bone. This isn't exactly, exactly, Alistair. Yes. I love that you're on board. I realize this isn't the spirit of the three words from a listener. I know, but imagine that little bone reads.

You know, essentially bone spurs, I don't know imagine that little little bone reads, you know, essentially bones spurs, I don't know exactly what a bone spurs, but so small that what a five right it vibrates yeah with the power of the phone. And so then you you get it and it's just kind of like it's more like it's more like one of those radio, you know, like radio antennas, you know, it's like a big long, a big long wire, but it's just, it's just a, like, just a long, it's just a person laying on the ground who can't really move, they got really thin skeleton, absorbing light. Yeah.

Or you have something like a, like a, like a bone version of a TV antenna sticking out of where each eye would be, right? Out of the socket. Great. I guess like tiny little ribcages. Yeah. Yeah. It's something to sound almost too easy. Yeah. Okay, so that's the first word, skeleton. Yeah, okay, and the second word is retroactive. No, it's on. Skeleton on. Yeah. Okay. All right, well, I'm glad. That was a soft one. I'm going to save up my energy for the third word, which is going to be a big one.

OK, skeleton on laser disk. Oh, not close, but similar shape. Shape skeleton on Dunny. Oh, yes. OK, so obviously this is a reference, Northern on Dunny. Oh, yes. Obviously, this is a reference, direct reference to the episode of Round the Twist that terrified me the most as a child,

skeleton on the Dunny. And I believe we've talked about doing a modern gritty reboot of Round the Twist, which would obviously just be called twist, right, about a family, a whole lot of fucked up shit happens. All round? All possibly round, or maybe just on. Oh, yeah.

Wait, there is no on. There is no on. There is no on. There is no on. Unless you were talking about the on OUN. I was, there is. I mean, just the, unless you were talking about the on-o-u-n. I was, yeah. Like you're rounded down the round. Yeah.

Skeleton on the Dunny, well, I think, you know what, I think what I need probably to help me overcome this, this terrible fear, this terrible fear is sort of a, basically a permanent, done-e skeleton, right? One that is built into the toilet

and you basically sit on its lap and shit down sort of between its, its bony thighs, its femurs, and it's just there at all times. It wouldn't be comfortable, but it would be, you know, it's just there at all times. It wouldn't be comfortable, but it would be, you know, it would help, I think, in some ways. Well, I think anybody who dies on the toilet

at a respect, you should leave them there. And then, like, imagine that being able to sit on like, This is a fantastic version of the word respect. They can't sit. You know, you've had a sit on legs. This is a fantastic version of the word respect. They can't sit. Respect. You've had a sit on Elvis's lap and your toilet in between his legs. I'm actually if they'd done that at Graceland, that would really be something. If he was still there on the low.

Yeah. I think maybe that happened in a hotel that's always with something I pictured, but. Yeah. I mean, they say that he died on the toilet, but probably he was maybe that happened in a hotel. It's always was something I pictured but yeah, I mean they say that he Died on the toilet, but probably he fell off the toilet, right? He probably had a heart attack and fell to the grounds very unlikely He stayed on the toilet Guess it depends on how chunky his underside was at the time. Maybe it gets a real grip in you know Like he has like a kind of grapple hook type effect. If you push a lot of butt flesh through the hole. Yeah, yeah, you're right. No, I mean, I guess that is the very definition of unfinished business, isn't it?

You know, on the toilet there. Sure, so you think he would come back as a ghost? Hmm, a ghost needing to take one last shit. Yeah, but he would, what he needs you to put the toilet seat up or something. Yeah, maybe, maybe I suppose could be part of it. When he fell down, when he fell off the off the toilet, the seat went down because his cape was caught on it. Well, obviously that song walking in Memphis, right, talks about seeing the ghost of Elvis walking through the gates of Graceland. And has that famous line, there's a pretty little thing waiting

for him down in the jungle room? probably a toilet or a poo. Oh, sorry, everyone. That's all good. Yeah, is there any sketch in this? Well, I look, okay, let's just go back to this idea of a, a skeleton permanently on your toilet seat. I mean, it's, you know, there's a lot of excitement around skeleton-based novelties around the Halloween thing. Remember how excited people got about that giant skeleton from home depot, right?

No, I don't remember that. Oh, it was a thing. It was a big thing probably two years ago, right? On Twitter. Everyone was tweeting about it. How they were going to get one of these giant skeletons and how excited they were. Well, this is a new one, toilet skeleton. Okay?

Just sits there, right? You lean back against this. Are you could probably build a whole toilet system based around a squatting man. You know, the system itself, the water could be stored in the chest cavity area, you know, I guess it flushes down. You know, it'd be cool if maybe the skeleton's hands could go under the seat. And, and then like just kind of clean up, like pick up some, pick up some toilet water and splash it on your anus and stuff like that clean, clean your anus up a bit.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And then it kind of just, and then you flush. And then while it's flushing, it's kind of rinsing off its hands in the sort of the downflow. Oh, that's great. So it's a kind of a day type thing, but it is a hand cupping it splashing

a little bit of toilet water onto your butt. Yeah, that's really nice. Well, I think. And then maybe the other hand could grab grab that little blue toilet thing and rub that on there like use it like so. Sure, why not? On your butt. I imagine that.

I imagine that you call some of the toilets of the toilet getting to have that stuff sloshed around in there. And I don't get any of that. We don't? Yeah, that's pretty disappointing, isn't it? Yeah. That stuff smells so bad. I mean, yeah, well, it depends which ones, but some of them really bad.

Yeah, some of them smell really good today. I think there's some, I think that there's been real progress in the toilet scent thing, you know, and especially in sort of urinals and stuff like that. Yeah. Especially that, I like that one that's a matte. It's like a matte with like holes in it and it completely diffuses the pastry. Just splash back and stuff.

Yeah, that was pretty clever. I wonder what sort of urinal genius was working on that? Let's see, which is their beautiful mind. Where's their novel prize? You know what the one sad thing about the, Yeah. Let's, which is their beautiful mind. What is there, no Velcro? You know what the one sad thing about the, about the segregate, toilet segregation is is that I imagine women haven't got to see the sort of the evolution that's happened over time and that's only a thing that men get to enjoy. Yeah, I think that's...

Of the urinal cake. Well, I think probably because their toilet system was perfected a long time ago, and yet, with our insistence on peeing standing up, right, introduces so many more variable, so many more potential problems that need to be solved. It is a driver of innovation, but, you know, they don't, you know, they don't need that because...

So you think the joy that they've got from having arrived is sufficient to replace the joy of seeing this progress? Because I feel like progress is one of the great joys in life. Yeah, but another great joy in life is not having urine on your pants and Those two are really hard for level begging for me. They still they still often have the urine from you know any Unisex toilets where guys have peed on the seat. I don't know if they do I don't know if they sit I don't think they sit down straight on that urine. I Like I know but what about like it's just urine that's like stuck to the side of the bowl and

whatever from a guy's like, you know, sitting down to poop and then there's like somehow he's peeing in between the bowl and the seat. Yeah, okay. Well, have you ever accidentally done that? Yeah, of course I have Alistair. Isn't that insane? It's yeah, it's a disaster. What a huge flaw. There'd be like a shield or something like that little mud flap.

Shouldn't there be some little whites that you can clip onto your your penis so that the stream doesn't accidentally misdirect itself? He waits. Okay, here we go. Lang White. I guess that would also work on the helping point, the female urethra downward. I don't know if it needs help with that, but look why not, let's bring it in. I'm talking about for a, I don't know if it needs help either, but I assume that if you're having a bush we, and you are, if you've got your pants down and you're kind of not pulling them straight back, you

can't be 100% sure which where the stream is going to go until you start. But I love being this deep into female anatomy speculation. Well, this is what I'm guessing, right? But with these new urethral p-weight, which work on both men and women, that's great. You know that the jet is going to be aimed as close to the ground as, you know, as it can because it will be, you know, the weights will be pulling them towards the center of the earth.

Yeah. Now, is there, is this a communal P weight situation, or is it a personal private P weight you take with you? I would say, yeah, I would say everybody has their own. All right, so it's not just like hanging over the back of the door knob. In the, in the, I don't think it's all normal. Okay. Yeah.

Well, I think you just kind of of like you just clip it on. Sure. All right. So that's the first sketch idea. Great. It's really good. Would we take that into dragons dead? Yeah. Wait. We're taking that on the dragons dead. And we are getting the record level of investment. The most that they've ever had, everyone is so excited. People are standing on their desks screaming to get on board with this product. They're fighting the different dragons, they're fighting and clawing at one another's flesh. They've actually changed into their dragon forms and they're burning each other with fire.

Yeah, this is the one. Now, when you say people are standing on their desks, are these people who work on the production of the show? Because I know that the dragons are just sitting at chairs. But, or did they bring in desks just to stand on them? That's how excited they are. Look, okay. Well, this is unfortunate. I don't know anything about the show.

But look, maybe one of the earlier contestants on the show was doing some sort of new desk idea, right? Oh, new desk. New desk idea. And, you know, Oh, that's cool. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you think, what do you picture for a new desk? I like that. Yeah. Yeah. What what what would you think what do you picture for a new desk? What what what would the new desk look like? Well, I mean clearly you've already got two legs, so it seems crazy that you're paying for a desk to have four legs when you've got two so it's a desk that basically It clips on it clips on to your two legs. Yeah, I guess it looks like a desk that you use as bum bag technology. BBT. Yeah. Yeah.

And then, but imagine that if it could fit in a bum bag. Well, this is an idea I had a long time ago when I was working on a show called The Chases Election Desk. Yeah. And it was a comedy show called the Chases Election Desk and it was a Chalmony show about the election and I thought that what you should have is if you're interviewing Try and interview politicians out in the street You should have a bum bag which contains a gas canister and then using whatever they use to make Airbags for cars, you know, you can hit a button and it just inflates a big desk out in front of you

so that you can interview them at the desk, but on the street, you know, and you're never, you know, you're always at your desk. And I think in this era of wireless offices, you know, no mad employees and that other thing, you know, remote working, I think a little desk that can burst out of a bum bag. So good. It would be the best one. God. Do you ever wear your bum bag, round the back on the bum?

Or you wear it around the front? Like I wear it over the bum, like not over the top of the bum, like it not above the bum on the small or the back, but over the bum, like, not over the top of the bum, like, and not above the bum on the small or the back, but over the actual butt so that it kind of, because sometimes I worry that my butt cheeks are too far apart, and I feel like that can tighten them up and just keep them... Keep them under control. Yeah.

Lash them in, corset style. Yeah. One to the other. style. Yeah. One to the other. Would you say that the the butt cheek is kind of like a sort of like the the outer labia of the butt? Yeah, I would. Yep. And so would you is there an inner labia of the butt? I guess that I guess that kind of like that butt hair that I was too late to find out about I didn't find out about it until I was like until I was becoming maybe feel awful about your own personal but here.

Yeah. Did you think that there was something wrong with you when you discovered you had it? Think a little bit. I was like, oh, this is unpleasant. Yeah, right. I Almost not thought about it at all and I guess that's that's this form of privilege that I have That's cool. That's really nice Andy. Yeah Maybe maybe it's because you're blonde and you don't see See that I have. I have looking. I have looking hard. But there, I mean, almost transparent.

Because is your leg hair transparent? Is your leg hair blonde or is it kind of brown? My leg hair is basically transparent. Yeah. So, you know, my legs look like they are surrounded by a sort of a, just a haze, just a, you know, they're slightly out of focus, which makes, which makes them look, I think, more seductive, you know, like a Vaseline lens. I never thought about that, about, never thought about how, how blonde your whole body would be. Well, you see me approaching you with the light behind me and my shorts on, it's really quite something.

I do look like I am emerging. You're doing that kind of act a bit like optical fibers, isn't it? Yeah, it channels the light. That's why your eyes glow because the hair just goes into your head and then it illuminates the inside of your skull. That's correct. Yeah. Or some of it just comes out from of your skull. That's correct. Yeah. Or some of it, or some of it just comes out from under your eye, your eye lids, I suppose.

I guess if it stays under the scalp and bounces between, um, sort of the reflective sort of neerid in a skull. Yeah. Well, no, but let's say the area between the skull and the scalp. That would be kind of wet, wet sort of, you know, liquid, you know, be like kind of wet, wet blood, shiny in innards, you know, so that would probably shininess, that means it's like conductive.

And so then it would probably would bounce from between skull and... And actually, an ample pulse. Up until it comes out, yeah, and then comes out your eyelids. This is actually not a terrible explanation of the power of the Cyclops character in the X-Men movies, which I always found to be one of the most annoying of the superpowers,

because I couldn't see a physical mechanism for how it could occur, right? Like you could see a mechanism for others. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I can see a mechanism. Which ones? Well, obviously Wolverine, he's just someone with increased healing abilities, right? That makes sense.

Okay. That's what about even just the being able to push those blades out? Well, they were put in there by surgery, right? But he didn't have bone ones before? Yeah, well, a lot of people have bone spurs and that sort of thing, right? So, again, it's obviously, I'm not saying it's easy to imagine, unless I did say that earlier. I can't really remember what I said.

But it is possible to imagine a mechanism, right? On the evolutionary path of humanity, but someone who can shoot energy out of their eyes to me seemed to be so far off that path that I couldn't even accept that evolution takes a leap forward thing. Right? Yeah, right. But what about so rogue? I guess rogue you would see her as just a capacitor. Exactly. Yeah. And people can get charged up with static electricity, you know. And so if I guess if there was different kinds of energy like,

you know, sort of healing energy, you know, then she, that's how she could absorb. Exactly. Wolverine's powers. I'm glad you completely understand and you're on board with what I'm saying. So what about like, what about Xavier? Xavier, you know, again, like, you know, we know that electromagnetism does create electromagnetic fields, thought patterns are communicated via electrical signals. You can already detect the patterns in somebody's brain using an MRI machine or something

like that. I can imagine that somebody could become sensitive to that kind of thing. But if you can see electromagnetic energy somehow being in the thing, then why wouldn't you be able to see light emitting? Because isn't that just electromagnetic energy? Yeah, okay. But blasting light out of your eyes is unrealistic. That's what I'm saying.

That's a different thing. What about Superman? What about Superman, Alistair. What about Superman? What about Superman, L.A.S.D.A.? What about Superman? What about the set of just propelling himself through the air? Yeah, I didn't bring up Superman. You brought up Superman. I was talking about the X-Men

and the specific explanation of the X-Men which is that they are caused by the progress of evolution. Right? You could say, what about Dr. Strange? He's magic. Yes. He's a different kettle of fish. I guess quick silver.

How could he move so fast? I've been talking about quick silver. All right. Well, I think he is part of the experiment though. Is he right? Well, then in that case, he would be one of the ones that falls into the category of an unusual, or does he just move fast?

Is he made of metal or anything like that? No, no, he's not made of metal. Oh, well then, yeah, that's fine. I can imagine somebody moving fast. Lots of things move real quick. What about ice man, the guy who can turn into complete ice? Yes. And then go back.

Okay, not him, he's a weird one. You can't do that. Okay. All right. Okay, that's good. The guy who can turn himself into physical metal. No, even Magneto, I would say, he is on the implausibility spectrum. I feel like we've already talked about this on the podcast.

What about many years ago? What about you, damn it? Damn it. Is he just somebody who's really good at throwing things? Is that damn it? Well, he throws things, but then he can make, like, he can load them up with explosives or whatever. Well, anybody can shove gunpowder into something, right?

Yeah, but I think he does it through energy or whatever they think. I reckon he's just shoving it. I reckon he's just got a little thing in his pocket and he's poking it in there with his thumb. I guess beast, beast you could sort of see somebody something going wrong. Yeah, he's poking it in there. Where there's thugs. I guess beast, you could sort of see somebody something going wrong. Yeah, that's just a big goal.

And there's a lot of guys that are not that far off from looking like beast. I mean, the change is the weird bit, but then what about Nightcrawler? He can sort of disappear and reappear in places. Yeah, that's implausible. That one, I don't think it did. That's implausible. I don't think.

So there's a lot of them that are implausible, I guess. Yes. Yeah. Okay, I just wasn't sure. You know, I didn't know what I thought. Well, I mean, what I am sure of is that you came into this whole thing with a very accusatory tone. Like, I always somehow think this out loud is clay.

I mean, I think I just felt bad about this out loud. It's clay. I mean, I think I just felt bad for cyclops. Yeah, well done. And then, but then when you said he's one of the ones who seems implausible, I didn't realize you meant like, sort of roughly 50, 60% of them are implausible to you. We talked about this on the podcast, like I'm gonna say like three or four years ago,

Alistair, and I've probably already said everything that I didn't have to say on the issue. I encourage you to go back and listen to it. Can you point me to the which episode it was so that I can go back and see here everything that you had to say? 142. Absolutely.

I'm already telling you. Yeah, great. So you're going to go now and listen to it now. I'm going to go listen to it now. Yeah, great. What do you reckon the alternatives were for the name Bluetooth when they were naming Bluetooth Alistair? What do you reckon? What do you think? Wet thumb? Do you think that was one of them? What do you think? Wet thumb? Wet thumb? Do you think that was up there with Bluetooth as a possibility? What is it? Brown nose.

Brown nose? Yeah. I mean, that was close. That would have been. At first I thought this was gonna be silly, but then I was like, I don't know, I mean, even if you sold me on the brand nose. Brown nose actually seems, seems actually probably

like a more plausible name, because what is brown nosing? It's getting up in somebody's business. It's sort of trying to ingratiate yourself with someone to make a connection. I mean, it's seeking a parry. It's a parry, exactly. Yeah, I think it should have been called Brown nosing.

They want what they want to be on your list of approved connections. I think it's closer to 16. It's closer to 69ing, because you can receive an answer. Yeah, you're right, you're right. But yeah, that's a difficult thing to do physically. Physically is the 6.69 or to Bluetooth? Well, I know to brown nose, 69,

what I thought that's involving too much stretching and discounting. And in terms of the sexual positions, which ones do you consider the implausible ones? Yeah, anyway, can we put down? 69 is one of those. Bray naming Bluetooth as a brand. It only does one position and that's the wheelbarrow. It's just a normal wheelbarrow.

It's the wheelbarrow and that's where you load. We put it load. It's the handyman's favorite. That's right. Yes. The landscape gardener's friend, I call it. That's how you see that's how you can be fixing things around the garden, also having a beautiful time

with your beloved. Mm, it's difficult, so it's difficult to find the time these days to connect with people in your life, because we're under so much pressure and there's a lot of expectation. Everybody's trying to have it all. But with my new range of sex-based guard implements, you can combine these two essential parts.

It's a series of shirts that you've made for different positions that allow you to get other things done while you're having sex. And it's all shirt-based, is it? It's all shirt-based. And so you can wear a shirt with a big scoop on the back which would allow you to then walk the person around or they can walk you around while they're

I suppose they're pegging you and I think that's probably the nice thing. Because it's kind of your idea. So I suppose you'd be like, no, Han, I'll just wear this shirt while you peg me. Yeah, and and in the in the in the What's the called again the Real down position. Oh, yeah, we'll go and then And then she'll you know push you around and then she'll pick up dirt with her foot, I guess,

I suppose, while she's doing it like that, lifted it onto your big, the big, spoony scoop in the back like that. Wow, I mean, you know, that seems impossible while we're on it. There could be another one, there could be another one that would just be like, it's just that it's a shovel shoes, right? She has shovel shoes. Yeah, shovel shoes. You can kick into the crowd and flick the dirt off what, to my back. Yeah? Right.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll run this down, but also right down, Brown knows it is the original name of Blue Tooth Alice here because I strongly believe in that idea. Okay. That's a, that's a strong belief from me. That's a strong belief. You know, I wasn't gonna write that one down, right? No, I can sense these things.

I'm the next step in human evolution. I didn't know. I didn't know that we had thought even had considered that that would be a sketch idea. So I love that. So there's another shirt as well, another sex shirt. Yeah. Would be one again. It would be just, it would be one with a skateboard on the back. Right. And so that you can, somebody can have sex with you Andy while you're on your back. Planning carrots. And, hey, and I'm rolling alone

planting carrots. I suppose you could be planting carrots. I suppose you could be planting carrots I suppose you could probably also just have a plow hat Hmm But but I was just picking you know that way you could be sort of stealing the soil or whatever but um But I was just picturing you know as a way of using sex as a motor transport Hmm Because there's a lot of wasted energy there, isn't there?

Sure, sure there is. My beloved has just arrived home. I thought she was going direct to swimming with the children. She has just gone back to the house. So she's going to come in. We're probably going to continue talking. I might say hello to her. This is just going to roll in as part of the podcast.

So there's not going to be any disruption at all, basically. you're just saying, you know, you're just letting us know. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Just letting you know, I'm recording a podcast at the moment. No, that's fine. I didn't expect that you'd be back, but it's great to see you. Thanks for doing the shopping. This is, this is going out.

This is part of the podcast. Yeah. Hi, Carlie. There you go. Do you know if Carlie wants to say hi to all the other listeners? Carlie, do you want to say hello to the listeners? That was nice. That was really nice. It was magnificent. So I was left. Okay, right. Now she's right. We did it. So, yes, obviously, there's all of those I was thinking of a shirt that I guess is the kind of

a ladder on the front of it so that you could climb up somebody's front to get things out of an apple tree. And obviously that will place your genitals near the oral region for anything that you want to do you know while you're picking fruit. Well yeah, I mean I guess you could make a shirt like that, that has like a flag holding thing so that you could sort of be at like a, you know, at the Olympic opening ceremony. Yeah. You know, whilst having sex.

Yeah, I guess. Right. I mean, that's not so much gardening. No, well, I know, but I'm saying there's a series of shirts so you can get things done while you're having sex I mean obviously gardening is great. Well, I mean, okay, but all the examples we come up with I'm at the list point We're gardening and then I think to leap from that My second one wasn't a gardening one, but then you said to plant carrots and so you made it a gardening one, but but then you said to plant carrots and so you made it a gardening one. No, I see.

But, you know, it's completely okay. I don't know if I would normally use a skateboard to get around a garden. Yeah, I mean, you'd need big wheels, wouldn't you? Yeah, and they would. They would be when it was off-road. Yeah. But that's okay, maybe, you know, maybe it would be better to have tracks like on a tank. Yeah, yeah.

I think you're right. What about this? What about a, like it's a, you know, it's like a comedian in a, in a country that has a dictator and his satire manages to take down the dictator. That's a really great sketch idea. Right.

Right. He makes points so cutting, right? I think that I think I mean the the the the the military police that are sent to like basically drag him away and torture him to death. It actually their bodies shut down. They fall to the ground immobile because of the power of his satire or her satire. That's quite possible. I think that there could be a lot of stuff in the idea of any satire actually working is a very ridiculous premise for a...

Yeah, For comedy. Yeah, well I think any, like, you could also... If you could somehow graph satire, and then in so doing, you basically cast it as another like fiscal indicator, right? Because I think a lot of the time, but we'll say that, you know, there won't be a revolution until, you know, people's living standard reaches some kind of

like tipping point, right? A lot of the time. But what if you could also, you could graph satire and you could say, you could talk about the satire index and how critically close it is getting to the point at which the regime will completely collapse. You're listening to a thing I said, Alistair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so then they could see it coming. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, it would be reported on the nightly news

is about like, oh gosh, you know, and we could be within 10 to 12 tweets of a complete regime change. Yeah. And so I guess the I guess the dictator could just send out some assassins to kill you before that happened. Yeah, but I mean, you know, if it's if it's a global broad, broad thing, if it's just the general amount of satire and amount of yeah stuff on Twitter and that kind of thing. You know and once you know that

you're that close you might as well push push ahead and get over the line. I love it. I love it. I love it. What I love about it is that we're satire and satire. Well, yeah, I mean, it's the satirizes. Yeah. No, we are, Alistair. We're satirizing satire because we're talking about we're drawing attention to its inherent flaws and its inability to actually do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, um, did I tell, have I told you I don't really like satire? Yeah, I think you might have. Yeah, have you told the show that we work on? No, no, no, I mean, yeah, I don't even, I, I don't even like referring it to it as satire. If anything, that's one of my least favorite things. You know, like I don't

even like talking about something being comedy, but I even worse like referring to something as being satire. Yeah, I think it was a satirist. That's my profession. Yeah. That's my calling is a satirist, actually. Yeah. I like to, um... Well, you have on your Twitter that you're a satire grifter. Yeah, that's right.

What do you think that means? What does that mean to you? Do you, um... Is that you're trying to trick the satire into giving you some money? Which I guess is kind of what you've done, isn't it? Yeah. No, that's more or less what it means that I, it's I'm tricking people into giving me money

by doing satire, yeah. That works. Yeah, thanks, but I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable at any point. No, no, no, no, no, no. But like, okay, wait, I'm just going to write down sketch idea is a satire Yeah, changing anything. That's our works.

Yeah, that's great. I mean, I guess if I guess if anybody could be taken down by any kind of joke, then they probably wouldn't be people in power. Yeah, I'm trying to find the quote. I think there's a quote from Peter Cook. Yeah, about that group of German ones who made a huge impact. Who did so much to prevent the rise of Adolf Hitler? Yeah, it's good stuff.

All right, Andy, we've really run out of steam here. I think we've done okay. We've got a decent number of skates. We've got five sketch ideas in between after all bone man. So I reckon we can go to our second three words from a listener. Okay. Okay. I'm excited about doing this for a second time.

I'm feeling like this could be my time. Because I've got a bit of a run up now. Yeah, I think you're going to be good this time, Andy. Yeah, okay. so the first word, is leaving the three words come from Jacob Irving. Jacob Irving. Oh, Jacob Irving. Hi, Jacob.

Thank you so much. So the first word is leaves, L-E-A-V-E-S leaves. You've got two of the letters right, and one letter is really close. Wow. It's one of the VW instead of a V. No, it's a Y. Oh, yeah, that's a lot like a V.

Yeah, so okay, we got... Here's how the word is spelled, A-Y-E. I. Yeah, okay, great. A. All right. I, yeah, okay. Hey, hey. All right. The second word is weaves, weaves, W-E-A. Oh, you got two of the letters are right. It's the second letter is B-E-E. Okay, I B-C, the third word is C-S-W-E. Thank you.

Incorrect. C. Third word is S-E-A. C. Great. A-E-B-C. Okay, well, you know, what does it sound like? Sounds like you're saying yes to a pirate captain who is also a B. I B C? Not really. Not really. No, yeah, it's not like, because I guess it's like you're saying I to the, to an ocean of bees. You know what is kind of a nice idea though, is having a, a pirate who has a bee on his shoulder. All right.

It's a little, little bee there. And somebody, and then somebody who doesn't realize that that's his like parrot is swatts it And then there's a lot of trouble and then they also They walk them Off a plank into a big pot of honey You know what we can see in there in the honey there. There's all these bones of former soldiers And then he then after the guy's dead,

he just goes to the B-Hive. There's a B-Hive on the ship. And then he goes and grabs another B and puts it on his shoulder. Well, we do know that people can make a beard out of beads, right? Yeah. So B-Beard as a pirate.

What do you think of that? That's right. We've already been through a lot of different beards. And I think, you know, one of the things that probably caused the whole piracy, ancient piracy thing to collapse as it did was that they basically maxed out, you know, like when we had phone numbers and there were only like six digits in a phone number, you reach some maximum number of identifiers. Well, when you're trying to identify pirates by their beard color, you know, it was the only way that they could get yellow

and black beard together. So that's when they had to start combining and they had to find ways to make, you know, for to make sense. So be beard the pirate. And I would actually find that terrifying, you know Man striding towards me and he's always got a a queen bee in his mouth. Ah Is that how you do it? I think so yeah

Fucking hell. I mean who was the first what was the first guy to put a queen beard is mouth thinking? What did you think he was doing sucking off a horse? thinking. What did you think he was doing sucking off a horse? Well yeah I don't know but it was funny it's definitely a funny thing to say it was so random I was there. Do you think if you if you ate accidentally ate the Queen B they would still stay on you? Well, they don't know. Well, because obviously they come to you because they can smell her pheromones or something, right? Sure.

Yeah, that must be it. Yeah. And so then if you've just eaten her, then... She's still inside you, maybe. Yeah, but I guess some of her hormones will just stick around you hope Yeah, but maybe you know, maybe she passes through your digestive system And then out your butt and then they swarm around your butt Yeah, I wonder then yeah, if then they they go into the toilet as anybody flush them all away

You know how they're always looking for a new outfit for the Metgala. Have anyone ever gone to the Metgala covered in bees? Yeah, well the Metgala is supposed to be camp and I guess there's nothing more like sort of summer camp than somebody covered in word and bees. We did it. That's a endless connection. Um, I'm happy with Beebeard, the pirate, LSDA, as a little can we can we can we build up his life a little bit more? Um, well, let's see, I mean, I imagine I imagine that, you know, a treasure

chest full of gold. That's quite like how did he get to this point of honey? I guess he would have been, you know, I mean, I guess historically, there's probably no examples of of any pirates that actually had a parrot. But the idea that you would have a pirate ship that had flowers on it so that you could sustain bees so that you could have some honey. Well, yeah. I mean, that checks out.

I think with that new, our flag means death show being so popular. Take a WTD's new show with Reese Darby. I think there's going to be a lot of interest in this. That's a sort of a gay love story. And this has a lot of potential in that department as well, I think. So yeah, I think it's ripe. The moment is ripe for Bebeard.

It also would work well, I think as an animated series, kid series. Oh yeah, Bebeard. Bebeard. Yeah, I mean, it could, what it is, okay, this is a story, it's a little kid, right? But then when he puts a, he's trying to make it as a pirate, right? He's trying to make it as a pirate. The real captain falls overboard or something like that. and nobody believes that this little kid could be the captain until he gets a beebeard and that's his way of passing as a pirate captain.

You can sort of transform between these two personas. He was just doing that because he was trying to, because he was terribly hungry. They routed sea, they just lost their captain and he tried to eat one of the bees. So they already did have bees on the ship, yeah. And then he accidentally put the queen in his mouth and then all the other bees swam to it. Basically, we're realizing that pirates have created a new form of government that is entirely based on who has the biggest beard.

I mean, it does seem like that. Doesn't it seem very much like the closest we get to that silver back kind of guerrilla type scenario? Yeah. Well, Andy, I think guerrilla type scenario. Yeah. Well, Andy, I think I'm happy with that. I think that was good backstory. Thanks, Al. No, but Andy, Andy, I want you to know

I'm happier than you are about that. Well, you being happy makes me extra happy. So that might take me over. You being extra happy makes me extra happy. Oh, fuck. All right, well, then that's where I was being happy. I start to get quite angry. Yeah, really sorry about that. Yeah. But I'm being sorry makes me happy as well.

Do you want to take us through the sketch ideas today? All us to all right. We got all bone man. This is endoskeleton, exoskeleton. This is the whole thing. All the sensory organs they're all skeleton. It's a new type of man. Then we got woman, women have missed out on the urinal cake evolution. That's just a... So what would we have? Maybe we should have a museum, right?

A urinal museum so that women can come and witness the progress. It's for women, yep, they can go in there. Now, you're obviously there's a risk, right? You let men in, suddenly there's an emergency, they're running around looking for a functional urinal. All sorts of things could happen. You're asking for trouble, but you know, we didn't get into this business because it was going to be easy. The thing is Andy, is that I actually got into this to ask for trouble. Right. I thought that this museum could give me the big enough platform

to allow me to ask people for trouble. And I think I would strike enough people that maybe somebody would give me the trouble that I seek. I think you're gonna get it. I got some good news in that department. Oh my God, that makes me, making me even more happy. Good news and trouble. Then we got the urinary weights for peeing. I think last episode you specifically said God, we've had a lot of shit and toilet stuff recently. And I'm really glad that there's no chance of that changing anytime soon. Me too.

And now we've got, oh yeah, then we've got, then we've got the brown nosing for Bluetooth. That's the original Bluetooth. Yeah. And then we've got satire works. That's another sketch I did. And we've got

bebeared the pirate. Terrific. Terrific. Terrific. Everything is good. Terrific. Terrific. Everything is good. Oh my God. We did it. No, I fell off the wagon a long time ago, Elastair. Yeah, the wagon. We were on a wagon. We were on a word wagon.

Hey, look, while we're stopped by the side of the road, I'd like to once again promote my book, Gustavo Henry written with Peter Thomas. There's a link to it below the show. Notes down there. And you know, click on it, buy a copy from somewhere online or from your local bookstore. And that'd be great. It's a very funny adventure series. What's it called, Andy?

It's called Gustav and Henry. I already said that, but you did cough over it. But it's also got a very nice little review from James Clementt and Claire Tonti on their Suggestible podcast. It's very kind of. Oh, well, which you should listen to to the suggestible podcast if you are interested. That's right. Then you'll be able to hear about someone recommending my book.

Yeah. But also, you know, it's not, it can't hurt for us to promote their podcast. No, indeed. Imagine if it did though. Oh God. Oh well. Do you have anything to play with? Oh, you're never going to promote anything ever again. Are you? That's my goal is to never promote anything

ever again. So look out for that. I'm gonna be doing that. I gotta go I gotta I gotta go pick up my kid from school. So it's been a real joy. And I hope that you you and I hope that you, and I hope that today you have a really good sleep tonight. And everybody else, I hope that you have a good waking time. Yes. And also with you and we love. Love you.

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