Two In The Think Tank - 332 - "THERANOS BUT FOR TEARS"

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Elizabeth Holmes and Watson, Kevinsanity, Extra Living, Buried with Cones, Rabbit Solution, Legal BlowdartCheck out Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Thank you to everyone who came to our shows at MICF - you are the true heroes (along with everyone else who couldn't)Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEverthanks from the blessings tree to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. I got chills. I'm dying of hypothermia. And I'm losing body heat from my body. And I'm dying. It's a terrible situation. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank,

the show where we come up with a number of an idea. No, it's five sketch ideas. That story, oh yeah, five sketch ideas, that's right. That song is semi-autobiographical. Yes. I'm not dying, but I do feel a little bit cold. Oh, I thought you were feeling a bit greasy. What would you do?

You know what would be great right now? You know what would have been really good in the time of COVID? What? Some sort of high-tech machine that from a single droplet of blood can perform over 300 different tests to identify every ailment that you might be experiencing i just wish there was a woman with vision who could have brought this to reality and not being brought down by haters and the fact that the machine didn't work yeah well i mean you know if they had only i mean did they get close did they get close did it you know did they get a machine nobody's talking about that nobody's talking about that did they get a machine that could diagnose let's say

five diseases with a single drop of blood yeah because that sounds cool right yeah because i would love to know if i have one of five diseases it doesn't have to be all known diseases. Yeah. Progress is progress, baby. You know what would be great? Would be a version of this, but it's like they can diagnose any mental illness from a single tear. That's really good. Alistair, that's your first sketch idea right there.

Yeah. Then, you know, what will they tell you? You've got clinical depression. You've got non-clinical depression as well. You've got like cabin fever. You've got cabin fever, yeah. Imagine. Imagine. Salmon fever, yeah.

Imagine. You've got Munchausen by proxy by proxy. You've got phantom limb syndrome. You got, I think, a guy called Kevin is following me. Imagine that. Imagine if you got diagnosed with that. You'd never once suspected that you thought a guy called Kevin was following you. But then when you get the results, everything suddenly starts to make sense.

That explains why I keep shouting, stop following me, Kevin. Ah, yes. The pieces are falling into place. I've been experiencing these symptoms. Oh, this is a different one. There's a guy called Kevin following me. Get, wait. Get. Because, I mean, the idea that you would have these symptoms.

Yes. Like that. Like, why do I keep yelling, Kevin, stop following me, you fucking psycho. Yeah. Yeah, that's the joke. Yeah, I know. Why is it that I always run around corners and then lean my back up against the big concrete wall and pant. And whisper under my breath, it's Kevin, it's Kevin, it's Kevin.

Why do I do that, doctor? Well, from this single tear, this machine invented by Elizabeth House was able to identify that. You think that there's a guy called Kevin following you. That's right. We could make a show about this person and we could call it House. It's really good. The doctor. It's a renovation show, right?

Yeah. The doctor. It's a renovation show, right? Yeah. It's a renovation show where they diagnose your mental illness and then cook you a meal from any food scraps they find in the walls. I wonder if there would be a sort of housing affordability program where you could get cheap housing or even free housing if you're prepared to go and just live full time in character

on the set of a particular show, you know? Yeah. I mean Neighbours has just been cancelled, which is a pity. Yeah. But, you know, they're filming Home and Away, I imagine seven days a week i don't know i think you've just explained how um how the you know that movie with jim carrey truman show yeah yeah but in that one the actors all know that they're

uh well the actors know they're actors, but the stars don't. And the actors are able to leave sometimes, I imagine, but the stars aren't. Whereas this is the opposite, right? The extras have to be there all the time. And, you know, all your conversations in your life will be sort of like this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Conversations in your life will be sort of like this. Right? And you'll have to develop a new type of language to be able to communicate in that way.

Yeah. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. No, that is good. I mean, I like that. I mean, I do very much like the idea. It's already written down. Oh, great.

down oh great um and uh i guess i just thought that you know that you could explain the truman show i mean i don't know like i imagine that this guy could leave as well right could leave the the extra set yeah no the deal is once you're out you're out right well i mean that could have been the case with the truman show yeah that's true that seemed to be the case you know because i mean if you if you explain the tv show like the truman show which would have been immensely expensive to run unless there was an unbelievably uh you know housing affordability crisis and people agreed that they would get free housing by just living on the lot with

by staying in character you get to have a beautiful suburban life and all they might not know that he's an actor do they all know that he's an actor? do you see them do they know that he's not an do they do they all know that he's an actor do you see them um yeah i'm not sure

no do they know that he's not an actor i can't remember oh yeah no they know they know they definitely know yeah i think they're all worded up they should have not told them they should have not told them right they should have just told them that they might have gone up to him one day and said geez how tough is it working on this tv show well they're but they're not they're not working on a TV show. They're living in character. Oh, you're right. They're living there.

Yeah, you're right. Oh, geez, how difficult is it living in characters for free housing? It's actually much easier than going to work and things like that and then just pretending to do a job or actually doing the job to keep the economy of this internal dome thing happening. to keep the economy of this internal dome thing happening. I'm very interested in how the production began. The logistics. I'd love to see the pitch.

Well, let's make a podcast where we entirely interview production, behind-the-scenes production experts about the logistics of running the Truman Show. Yeah. We talked to line producers. We talked to props department people. You know who would have it really easy? And this one is locations people. Yeah.

Oh, well, we could do it in the big dome where we built that sort of- Where everything is. That town. We could do it in there. Oh, good idea. Alistair, do you imagine that in the future the earth will be so packed with humanity? This is assuming we don't all wipe ourselves out in the next 10 years.

But we'll be so packed with humanity that you'll be able to get a government subsidy, you'll get a government payout if you're prepared to download your brain into the mind of a smaller animal right so you'll download your brain into say a rabbit yeah and then you'll live as a rat this could be a way in which we get to like a a you know talking animals type future you know i don't think that you'll be able to download your mind. I think that what they'll have to do is they'll have to just like trim down your brain like a fatty piece of meat. Right.

On one of those, you know, conveyor belts that they have in a fish factory where the experts with the knives, you know, doing the filleting. They'll just be slicing off non-crucial. Non-essential non-essential sort of uh uh you know corners of the uh yeah of the thing and then cram it into i imagine the skull and some of the neck of a rabbit that's how you'll recognize the human ones squeeze a bit down into the neck like those guys at the ice cream shops are so good at getting the ice cream down inside the cone felt like that wasn't a thing back in the day but now you get an

ice cream cone and it goes all the way down a lot of the time oh yeah it's pretty exciting i imagine in the mid you know in the mid 2000s we probably we got a bit complaining about how the the cone was empty i don't know i think we were it was you know it was post 9-11 we were all a bit entitled you know life was good enough is that what was like post 9-11 yeah post 9-11 we were like what what's going on with the cone you know we're seeing we were seeing towers as as being you know not like we weren't making the most of it you know we got you gotta you gotta to live live while you're alive oh yeah I'll eat cones while I'm dead yeah I mean that'd be good wouldn't you die they open up your coffin they shove in all the empty cones you never finished exactly crunchy in there yeah like

that and then they they close the lid and it goes, because you've over-packed it like that. And so then you're going to have crumbs all over you. Oh, God, it'd be so uncomfortable. Imagine if you were buried, you turn out you were not actually dead. Not only would you suffer the unimaginable horror of realizing you've been buried alive, but then also you got little crumbs everywhere. Sure, yeah, that would be bad.

But then again, waking up and finding it. This is a fate worse than a fate worse than death. Andy, Andy. But then you wake up. Okay, here's the benefits of it. Okay. Then you wake up and you realize, oh, no, I've been buried alive. But there's all this food in here.

That's actually quite good. Isn't that right? And so then you would just be eating and spending your time there, eating cones food in here that's actually quite good like that right and so then you would just be eating and spending your time there eating cones and things like that maybe some of them will still have like you know dribs of uh of ice cream some cones right but then of course then of course then the pooping begins ah you know and then so then then it becomes more unpleasant. And so then you start pooping. Yeah, I think lying down on your back in that situation to poop would be very yuck. It would be a very yuck feeling. Luckily, you're not having to lie down because you're already entirely as laid down as you can.

And you're wearing nice clothes too. No, but you are lying down. That's what I'm saying. Not the process of lying down in order to poop. Okay, not lying down to poop. The process of being laid down like that. Sure. of lying down okay not lying process of being laid down like that sure i thought that maybe you were meaning like you know just you know while you're laying down there's all that time to think

you know no i'm about to maybe you thought that maybe i was a fucking idiot no i'd completely forgotten the scenario we were discussing no i just thought maybe you know you thought well i guess in a way you know if you once you know, once you're in this place, you could probably wiggle around, especially with all the cones in there, where you can sort of wiggle and some of the cones can go underneath you. And then you'll be slightly elevated and you would consider that upstairs. And then sometimes you can wiggle your way down like that. And you kind of get a lot of the cones you probably have to do a bit of swimming swimming arms trying to scoop everything out from underneath you there'd be a lot of sharp edges depending on whether it's a waffle cone or one of those wafer cones what you're saying is that it's a it's still a life you know there's still variety

yeah but it's a it's a wife it's not a wife but it's a life that's slowly filling up with shit and the shit is very close to home it's yeah you know what would you do do you think i mean i know that we we probably have gotten too into shit these days but uh but would you you know knowing that you don't have very much. I would try Alistair to sort of pull my knees up. Probably wouldn't be possible. But if I could. Yeah. And then sort of push myself down and poop right down at the bottom of the thing.

Imagine all the back lesions you'd have just from, you know, cone. Alistair, you're not going to live. You're not going to survive long enough. Yeah. You're going to be long dead before the lesions no no no i'm gonna i'm gonna make sure i have enough time for lesions we are lesion we are lesions that's what they would say they would all these anonymous all these anonymous cuts on your back body holes from yeah from cone fragments as you slide down to poop, trying to make this thing a bit livable. It's going to be thick in there, the air.

Because not only are you getting, you know, if you are getting any outside air, it's all that thick dirt air. And then inside you're making... Ground air. And then inside you're making your own dirt. Yeah. All right. Dirt in, dirt out.

But I think that a movie concept in which people get their minds downloaded into animals has got some interesting potential because we already have that ecosystem. If we want to keep nature and we want to keep increasing the human population, there's really only one place to go, and that is into the bodies of animals. What's the small animal that you would go for? Well, my first thought has been consistently a rabbit because they look clean, which I like. They build houses.

You know, they have places to go to hide, which I like. That's true, yeah. And they have an escape route, which I think feels like would work with your sense of, you know, danger and things like that. You always think somebody called Kevin is following you. I know that about you. Yeah. You know, I think I would prefer a chipmunk. Sure. Are you familiar with the chipmunk?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this is great. You and I could have a real sort of repartee. You think so? I think we'd be funny little forest friends. You come down to the bottom of the tree. I hop up there. I've got a little burrow that comes out between the roots.

We do a podcast. Oh, I see. That could be cool. Record it. Slow it down to 30% speed, upload it. It'd be quite listenable. It'd be Andy and the chipmunk. Yeah.

We'd get we get it um we could also get it recorded so much more quickly that's true yeah that would be good for days where you're really busy and you'd have to get back to work yeah and i feel sick and you feel sick and your body temperature is um is leaving progressively feeling worse and worse as this podcast goes on now and not worse not colder. I am feeling a little nauseous, though. Yeah. Do you think it's all the talk about pooping in the coffin that you're living in?

Don't poop in the coffin you're living in. Does Dracula poop in the coffin? It would be great if you could open the coffin a little bit and just poop into the dirt. Bury it like a little cat scratching some dirt over it. Yeah, like think about like, you know, if over time you could might be able to compress some of the dirt above you by doing sort of arm presses upwards and lifting the coffin a bit like that. And then kind of build a little, dig a little tunnel. If you can get enough of a gap, you could dig a little tunnel next to it like this. Maybe that goes down.

It's not going to go down very far. It's just all arm reach area. But then try to poop into that. It's a very different way to poop. You're almost doing a plank, a side plank. Before you know it, you're living a better life than you ever did. That's right.

You realize you haven't been buried alive. You life than you ever did. That's right. You know, you realize you haven't been buried alive. You've been buried to live. That's right. You've been buried alive. Yeah. And it was the world above. Oh, you've been buried alive. Yeah.

Is that what you said? Yeah, that's what I said. The surface world was the real grave, you know. That's right. Well, think about it. All this time not looking at your phone, you know. Yeah, that's true. Finding your own food.

Once you run out of cone, then you're finding food in the dirt. You're foraging. Well, yeah. I mean, when you put it it like this being buried alive does sound like something we could market as a modern sort of wellness retreat right yes that's right six foot wonder we say we say the uh we say that the the wellness begins after you manage to get yourself a poop a poop tunnel yeah yeah there's there's some steps that you have to go through before and it all involves it all involves faking your own death as well it's not

it's not instantaneous by any means but that's a lot of a lot of the best things in life you do have to work for yeah yeah yeah that's true um uh yeah so you're you're buried down there. Oh, it made me think that we should be selling kitty litter trays that are little coffin shapes. Feel like people who like cats often have a sense of the macabre. You know, I'm thinking of witches and hangers-on, associated with hangers-on. A little coffin-shaped kitty litter tray. Actually, it would be quite good

because I find that kitty litter trays need to be, you need to be able to fit the end of them into a plastic bag to be able to pour off the stuff that's in there. Very often, they're too broad. It's just awkward. But if you had them nice and narrow like that, I mean, I realize then you're at risk of the cat i'm over the side yeah i reckon the the smell of a kitty litter is one of the worst things in the world and i can't believe people i'm not not in love with it can't believe people are capable of

living within those within those bounds yeah you're looking forward to coming to visit on the weekend? Hey, do you have one? Yeah. I'm always looking forward to driving out to your house, Andy. Sometimes you do it just to drive back again. What feels like an unbelievable, insurmountable distance is something that does nothing but excite me. But thank you, by the way, for the invite invite that's very nice um you're very welcome alice there we are we are running absolutely the gauntlet with how long i can stay here without having to go and vomit i think wow well okay well let's go do the three words from a listener what do you say it's gonna be let's

make this a two words in the shorts yeah a short episode today okay it's a short episode today so we've got um three words from a listener we've actually already come up with five sketch ideas andy that's incredible see i mean this is this is how we do it um this is how we do it this is how we intro three words from the listeners today's listener is crud k rudd uh very very k rudd k rudd's very big big in the big in the discord big in the um the whale anatomy uh scene if you love speculative whale anatomy scene if you love whale facts and speculative whale facts come into the discord and come and gaze and wonder at the crud's whale fact corner yeah absolutely it's very good it's probably i would say the hottest but the hottest part of the discord i learned some crazy shit about narwhals and

belugas oh yeah i can't unremember quick l let's's get into these words The first one is conifer No, it's inject Okay, the second, well they have needles Conifers have needles, so I feel like I was very close You were very close to the conceptual Reticulum Endoplasmic reticulum No, I'm sorry, the second word is interject

Ah I feel like we've done these words before But that's good Inject, interject And is the last one inspect? interject. Ah, I feel like we've done these words before, but that's good. Well, that's good, though. Inject, interject. That means you'll get the third one. And is the last one inspect? No, it's eject.

Eject, inject, interject, eject. Ah, yes, it's good to be back. The new system is working. The new system is working. Clearly a triumph. Okay. Well, okay, well, let's see. Okay. Well, okay. Well, let's see.

Okay. It's a thing where you're traveling. Makes me think. Yep, you go. You're traveling through ejection, like from a catapult, whilst getting your vaccines done, whilst telling somebody who you see is inferior to you your opinion before they're finished saying

theirs yeah it sounds good my idea was going to be you're in a courtroom and we introduce a new thing which is a legal blow dart where it's like you can object to something yeah interject and object to something um but you're only allowed one shot of your blow dart and it's just like a wild card into the legal legal system like so if you don't like where a line of questioning is going you can shoot the witness in the neck it's kind of a veto do you get three blow darts or just one i would say you only get one but i mean three yeah three feels like it yeah could really swing things yeah i mean if you miss you know that's that's down to, that comes to you, right? That's down to you if you miss with the one.

Yeah. Yeah. So, you've just got to like, part of your lawyer training then becomes, you know, it's probably more like firms will do that. Firms will have their own shooting range and things like that. And they'll just have the next. Or you'll have one guy, I guess, you know, you'll have one guy on the legal team who's from a Peruvian, you know, you've got the senior barrister, you've got the regular barrister, maybe a solicitor, and then you've got a guy from Peruvian tribe. Yeah.

And you can take someone out. Does Peru touch the Amazon? You better believe it. That's great. Well, then that aligns with how I think, where I think blow darting happens. Of course, I have no accuracy whatsoever with knowledge of this.

Andy, I'm going to say the legal blow dart. Is a sketch. The legal blow dart is a sketch so that you can go and blow dart. Read through the sketches. Quick, quick, quick. I can do it. I can do it.

Okay. We got Theranos, but diagnose mental illness from a single tear. We got, then we got get diagnosed with, there's a guy called Kevin following me. Then we've got live on set in character for free. That's,

you know, way, way, new way to live. A housing solution. And it reduces costs for movie companies. Then we've got buried with cones and thriving for a bit. Wellness retreats.

And then we've got into the bodies of small animals solution. Yeah, great. And then we've got the legal blow dart. And it was a short. You've heard the legal blow dart. You've heard of a housing program. Well, this is a mousing program. They're putting you in a mouse. That's right.

All right, I've got to go. It's been an absolute pleasure. Doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle do We love you. See ya. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region.

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