Two In The Think Tank - 334 - "SNORKEL THE LOUVRE"

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Forbes Wetness, Reverse Snorkel, Aqua Lisa, Marily Manroe, Recreational Decapitation, Hanging But For Having A Good Think About What You DonePlease purchase Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereComplete and unabridged thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I was thinking about changing the name of the show. Okay, well I think it's about time. Yeah. I mean, I think we're finally getting some brand recognition But maybe this is the big refresh Would it be new 2 in the think tank? Or 2 in the think tank 2?

I think 2 in the think tank 2 is good I'd like to start a completely new like rsss rss feed a completely new thing just so that we don't have the burden of the existing listeners uh and um yeah i was thinking about the pad cast the pad because you write the ideas down on a pad that's true and but do you think we'd get a lot of accident more a lot more accidental people who stumble on our podcast thinking that they're going to be listening to something for like menstruation products well i mean that's the thing isn't it where is the male perspective on menstruation

that's true and also but but but that's i'm not suggesting that that's actually what we would do i think that's we would just get accident people know, maybe also some podiatrists, maybe animal podiatrists. Yeah, you're right. But, you know, that's okay. I'm really happy to do just like a quick, you know, at the top of each episode, just a quick little bit of, you know, period chat. Then a little bit of animal foot chat. But I'm not suggesting that we change it. I'm just saying people will doubt.

I know, but I'm saying, but if those people are coming along anyway, I would hate for them to leave empty handed. I'd like to give them a little something. Some of them might be coming now there's a thing there's a chance that people are stumbling on our podcast now from from any field because yeah all right well then you're right let's do then probably a little bit of menstruation chat right now if we're promising sketch ideas some people might be coming from the drawing world as well that's true okay uh for those people um how about like a a mountain right but the mountain is wearing a crown king like king mountain king mountain yeah who do you think would be king of the mountains don't say everest because the the you know mountain the kings are not crown

based on who is the tallest i'm gonna tell you um what i really respect in a mountain okay is a mountain that isn't a part of a mountain range yeah i almost stand alone yeah i almost don't think of of mountains in mountain ranges as being mountains. Yeah, but you know, to me that's just a high bit of earth. But royalty is usually about family. Yeah, sure. I mean, well, then I'm happy for like a chain of volcanoes, right? Because even then it feels like, you know around around like the hawaii kind

of scenario yeah that each of those has had to build itself up yeah yeah but then i guess i see what you mean that's not really what royalty is about um well you're you're thinking sort of more like self-made millionaires i guess yeah but then you know again but then, you know, again, but I guess, you know, every system is problematic. Because, I mean, you'll just, you know, people will just accuse those volcanoes of having been fed that magma, that sort of, you know, hard rock ground that they've got from, you know, the ground. It's just about sort of fault line privilege. Yeah. I mean, is there such a thing as a self-made volcano or is that just a myth i guess it's a mountain that has its own magma that was you know that's yeah or i guess there could be a man who makes a mountain you know and maybe the man was was born of vegetables that were grown on the on the

mountain you know what i mean like like his family lived on the mountain and they they you know ran agriculture on the mountain and so and then but then he didn't make the mountain well that's a mountain made man well okay let's. Let's say it was a hill. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, he started off with just a hill and then he was able to turn it into a mountain. Into a mountain. He would go and get dirt from other places. At first, it was just to, you know, because that's the old timey way of making a skyscraper is you just pile a bunch of dirt on top of each other to to make the most of a

of land you know yeah you're absolutely right i mean this is what i want from this then is i want like forbes you know how they release that you know self-made rich list sort of shit yeah you know i want them to also release a list like why are we only caring about the people who have accumulated the most money right i think things like height right you know the self-made highest man sure like tallest man it can be anything yeah self-made tallest man like a guy who well could became tall through surgery or whatever means but it's about him doing it without like a team of doctors exactly doing the surgery on himself but like you know so for the highest man that would be who is who has in in you know in any given year or at any

point in their lives been able to accumulate the highest pile of stuff to stand on top of. They could do one about the deepest man and who has been able to dig the deepest hole. Who was deepest at the time of writing? At the time of writing, yeah. At the time you're digging. You know, wettest. Now, Andy, just out of curiosity,

wettest man... This is a sketch idea. Wettest man, would he just be a man immersed in water? Absolutely not. Absolutely not, because you can't... Like, there's no way then that you can have degrees of that. That's an absolute state. Well, that's right, yeah. But you're, I guess, then you're just suggesting the guy who's wearing the most absorbent clothing.

Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. If he's able to get all of that moist at the same time. Andy, of course the maximum wet is just a guy who's immersed in water. Sure, but then that's not going to be interesting. Yeah, I know. That issue with the magazine.

Well, I reckon that he'll have to split up the magazine. And you're worried about Forbes here. Yeah. But this could just be Forbes Wet, you know. Which this is exactly what people read it for. I think that's a really great, I want that magazine to exist. Forbes wet. Forbes wet. And it's the same sort of look and seriousness of Forbes,

but instead of being about wealth and money, it's about wetness and how to get it and what it's like to have it. And, yeah, the stories of people who… Why not stand? I guess this is like an article about... Well, I used to be quite dry. Actually, my feet were particularly dry. And then one morning I was walking along the concrete. Very early on I was going to go do my morning search for liquid.

And I came out of my house and I was bringing out the bin and I had to run across the lawn when I encountered sort of a slipperiness on my feet. A cold slipperiness. And I thought, what is that? That strange sensation that is leading to my feet becoming of a lesser temperature. And friction. And I looked down and it was water.

Apparently it's what's known as morning dew. Anyway. Yeah. And then he goes into the science of it. Yeah, I mean, what this has made me think of, so I think that's a sketch idea, Alistair. Forbes wet is absolutely a sketch idea. But what it's made me think of is a, you know, people are always moisturizing, right?

People are always applying and reapplying moisturizer to their bodies. Was it on pod that we started questioning whether or not – recently I've started questioning whether moisturizer does anything. I don't know if it was on pod. It might have been in a bonus episode or something. Yeah. I mean, it feels like something I don't know if it was it might have been in a bonus episode or something yeah i mean it feels like something i don't believe in you know it's the kind of thing that i i can get on board with saying i don't think i don't think it does anything yeah and i certainly don't like the way it feels yeah so even if it does a little bit it's not going to be worth it because if if you were having a bath, that wouldn't be a way of, you wouldn't say, ah, yes, I'm just moisturizing my skin.

Yeah, well, no, I would. You would say that? Yeah, but that's kind of where I'm going with this, Alistair, is that if you want your body to be moist, we should come up with a kind of a suit, right? And what it is is kind of sort of the opposite of a wetsuit but just allows you to sort of wear this thing that is full of water, right? And it has to be sealed around your mouth and maybe around your eye holes so that your eyes and your mouth are exposed to the air so that you are able to just breathe normal air with the people around you. But every other part of your body is submerged as you walk around. other part of your body is submerged as you walk around so it's it's filled up with water and you can um wait is this like that jacuzzi suit that millhouse's mom wears

yeah i guess it is i guess it is yeah just invent inventing the Van Houten jacuzzi suit? Yeah, but I think this one also covers the head. Okay, right. And so you just have a hole for your mouth. A hole for your mouth. What about the eyes? Is there a hole for the eyes or do you constantly look through? If you were listening to me about 30 seconds ago, yes, there's also a hole for the eyes.

Sorry, I wasn't actually listening. Yeah, no, that's okay. You were, were you Googling symptoms? Is moisturizer a scam? Yeah, and any word on that? Well, first hit was dermatologists say that most moisturizers or skincare products are kind of a scam. But then I hit a wall.

I hit a wall. Lotion is a scam. I think, yeah, I'm, and then there's a Vice article that says nearly everything you know about moisturizer is bullshit. I think this is it. Because I think the skin doesn't become moist from the outside. I think the whole point of skin is to stop the penetration of things from the outside staying permanently within the body.

Yep. Right? And so the only way to moisturize your skin is to drink water, I would suggest. And maybe lots of coffee i think a i think a big bottle of you know of water that is the the real moisturizer um could be a thing could be a thing i mean if they if you want you can rub it on the inside of your mouth how about that you squirt the water yeah i would like that's a better way of drinking water for me and then you to carry

rub it around it's a little bowl that you buy from 7-eleven with like a sort of like one of those like yogurt lids on the top but then you peel that off and you just dip your hand in it like that your fingers in it and then you rub the water on the inside of your mouth. You scoop out a little bit of water. You just, yeah. Well, you just kind of dip your fingers in it and some water will cling to your fingers. And then you just rub it on the inside of your mouth, like you're sort of finger painting inside your own mouth. And I really picture my hand is kind of doing like big, like, semi-circles, like it's on a, you know, like a skateboarding ramp.

Yeah. And it's going like that. Sometimes even I, then I rub it sometimes, you know, I'll get another dip and I'll rub it just on the top, on the top gums there, the top palate. Yeah. I mean, that's really nice maybe even you've reached out back down your throat just to sort of the point of gagging almost and rub a little bit of moisturizer yeah by that i mean water back there because it would make sense you got to get it all the way back it would make sense that people would think moisturizer works because your thing the thing that you've moisturized feels wet after you put this wet substance on it.

Yeah. Yeah, but that's an illusion. I think that's an illusion. It's a trick of the mind. I don't think it's long-term moistness. No. But then again, water. And if it was, I don't think I'd feel good about that.

I don't think I'd feel good about the idea that stuff that I rub on the outside of my body just goes into my body. Yeah. But then again, you know, it does go dry eventually. So that's got to be going somewhere. Yeah, probably just rubbing off onto stuff, I think. Yeah, but... Door handles and... Well, Andy, would you be able to do a test for me tonight?

You've got a... All right, what would you like me to do? Your night is free, right? Yeah. This is just... If you're laying in bed, let's say, on your phone later tonight, do you think there's a chance that might happen? I can't imagine that happening.

No? I can't imagine. Could you lift up your shirt, whatever your sleep shirt is, right? And do you think that your beloved might have some moisturizer or you might have some moisturizer? My beloved has so much moisturizer. Yeah. And so many abandoned moisturizers as well. Could you grab one of those abandoned ones?

Although it probably is good for you to get a freshie just so that we can be sure we got some good stuff. Hasn't gone off in some way. Right? Just this one. And then I want you to just put a little squirt on your belly like that. And give it a little rub just to spread it so it's maybe like a millimeter thick or like two mils thick or whatever. Yeah, nice. Even go three, four, thicker than you think it should be able to absorb. millimeter thick or like a you know like two mils thick or whatever yeah nice even like you know

even go three four thicker than you think it should be able to absorb and then just wait it out i don't know maybe you could look at your phone while you wait and just see if it does get absorbed um yeah no this is great idea alistair And you know what I really like about it? Yeah. Is that you've built into the testing procedure. Yeah. Phone looking time. Well, I feel like that's something you would love.

Yeah, so often experimentation doesn't work out. These sorts of new ideas don't take off because they don't factor into them people's real lives and um you know my real life involves a lot of looking at do you think that you would have a multimeter in your house as well yeah i've got two yeah do you think that if you tested whatever the length of skin that you're going to moisturize do you think if you tested its electrical conductivity, maybe its resistance, I think you could do that with a multimeter. Do you think it would go down once the skin is wetter, is moister? The resistance would presumably go down. Yes.

So. That could be a good way of testing it. Yeah. But do it after it's like it no longer feels wet onto the touch yep if it does we'll be able to see whether the moisture is on the inside or whether it's kind of just left and gone into the air or something yeah yeah no i'll do all of that alistair and i'll get back to you could you take photos on the next episode yeah take photos of your belly for us and maybe you know with the multimeter there yeah could you then photos of maybe of you on your phone i don't

know how you got a photo of that yeah i'll i'll see if my beloved can take a photo of me on my phone yeah if if you actually has to use your phone maybe like at least just hold like a little piece of wood to make it look like you're looking at your phone that's do you have any like loose bits of wood around your house alistair you know what i do yeah great yeah you know what occurred to me while i was talking this is something you know how you sometimes you think i don't listen to you i also don't listen to me and i sometimes think of other things to say while i'm saying things um is that is that uh you know that that device that you invented the the um the jacuzzi suit from the simpsons yes but they also goes over the face with the with the with the holes for the eyes and the mouth did you have a holes for the nose i also wasn't listening for that

uh i didn't have holes for the nose no but wasn't listening for that uh i didn't have holes for the nose no but it would be nice i thought you could probably do that for the nose though wouldn't be okay yeah yeah yeah because um that's cool anyway um i think that what that what you invented there is reverse goggles do you think almost well not really okay reverse scuba suit again not really because once again i mean the the water is kept away from the eyes in that situation yeah which was also what my suit was doing so So it's quite similar in that way. I mean, a reverse scuba suit, I think, would be a thing that goes over your eyes, nose, and mouth and just fills with water, right?

So that you can drown on land. I think there's possibly two opposites here because I do agree that you are correct there, that those goggles would allow you to drown on land. The reverse goggles for – the reverse scuba suit? Scuba mask for drowning on land. I think that could be a sketch idea. Yeah, no, I'm writing it down.

So, I mean, would basically – what you would do is you would put it on while you're in the water, right? And then you would sort of do that little backflip tumble that they do. Yeah. You do it up onto a jetty or onto a low boat. Or onto the beach or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you would lie there dying, basically, the on the on the dry land yeah or or would you be sort of

would you sort of be face down in the water and then flip out onto your onto a sitting position onto the land or the boat and then drown drown whilst in the sitting position. Yeah, I think so. I think so, sitting up and drowning. You know what would be another great idea? Because people love being able to go to a World Heritage site like the Great Barrier Reef and paddle around, snorkel around, taking in its natural beauty. But the Great Barrier Reef is dying.

It's not going to be around forever. So it would be great to be able to snorkel around other attractions. Yeah. Like, for example, you know, the Colosseum in Rome. So I think, and in order to be able to do that, all you'd really need would be like a glass swimming pool or bathtub on wheels. Or Andy, maybe.

Or maybe a sort of a Van Houten jacuzzi suit with the Andy Matthews face mask. Right? Yeah. And then on top of that, because that's – and then on top of that, you put some scuba goggles and a scuba pipe. Yep. of that you put some scuba goggles in a scuba pipe yep so you could walk around but you're snorkeling you're snorkeling yeah because you're in the water yeah yeah i mean that's great well my version was going to be you lie in the bathtub full of water yeah and you know you you basically you are snorkeling in there it's glass glass, though, so you can still see everything, right?

And then, you know, I guess a tour guide or whatever pushes your bathtub around the Coliseum. But it'd be nice to not need somebody else because sometimes a trip can be expensive enough, you know. And let's say you've gone all the way to Europe to see the Louvre. To snorkel. To snorkel around the Louvre. to see the Louvre. To snorkel around the Louvre. And then you get there. They've got to bring this in.

They've got to bring this in. I mean, some fucking artist. You know what fucking artists are like? Yeah. They're always looking for some shit. So bring this in at the Louvre, right? And it's a fucking glass bathtub. You can have six or seven of them down there near the counter and the art

your artwork your installation is allowing cunts who come along to fucking snorkel around the fucking louvre you know and then you win some prize it's gonna be that's how easy it is to win prizes yeah it is it's so easy yeah um you know you haven't seen you haven't seen the mona lisa until you've snorkeled it that's right yeah you just you're looking through your little your little eye holes that are not don't have water in them yeah they're a bit fogged up yeah oh yeah and then you the beauty of it was that you will without leaving the water you'll be able to pull your mask down and spit into it kind of rub it in there but then you won't be able to rinse it out in the way that they do when you breach in snorkeling or whatever like that,

when it gets fogged up. And then you can sort of just scoop some seawater in there. You won't be able to get any of the seawater out to get it in there. Well, that's in your version. Yeah, what's your version? Oh, you're in the bath. Mine's the bathtub. Yeah.

I like that I've been talking about my version for a while and you haven't changed anything that you're picturing in your mind. Yeah, I know, because I just can't, I can't justify the extra expense of paying a French man to push me around the Louvre in a bathtub with an open top, which they will not agree to.

You reckon? Yeah, they're not going to agree to a big amount of water being sloshed around all this priceless art. In the Louvre. Yeah. Oh, well, I don't know. I'm going to have a fair bit of clout as an artist, probably,

once I've won those awards. I wouldn't be surprised. Because of that clout, you're going to have to go after hours and you won't be able to do it because it'll be a threat to people walking around as you splash around a corner. No, the threat is part of the art, part of what gives it its edge. No, that's not for me. And there's a guy behind me pushing a shark in another bathtub.

Really? That's good, actually. Yeah. Well, in my version, there's just a shark wearing a scuba suit. Yeah. Okay. Flop it around. Yeah.

And he's also wearing like a proper scuba mask, but that pumps water into his lungs. I wonder what mine says. You know, I wonder if mine is a comment on rising sea levels or something like that. sea levels or something like that or um yeah or something to do with our neglect of the natural world yeah i mean it's interesting it could be it could be saying all sorts of things to be i'm looking forward to finding out yeah well i mean it could have something to do maybe with um with you know seeing things before they're gone it It's probably still about the Great Barrier Reef, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's true.

That's good. Yeah, so the Great Barrier Reef is getting bleached. Some people find that makes things more attractive. So that's's you know things being bleached yeah well i mean it can be very nice yeah i mean i think some people get their hair on their face bleached so that um you can't see it yeah i guess that's like with you as a blonde person people can't see your hair mostly yeah i feel like we talked about this last episode yeah there's a possibility i know it's just i'm still shocked i had never when i every time i pictured you naked

it's it's not involved you with darker hair it's always involved you with darker hair. It's always involved you with darker hair. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's just more ginger, I would say. Oh, right. Around the key areas. And then the rest of the place, it really is that transparent, you know, optic fiber that we were talking about on the previous episode. I've just Googled nude blonde man just so that I can – all these guys have severe abs.

Yeah. Yeah. And have they – I mean, probably they've shaved. Oh, I guess a lot of them have shaved, yeah. Look, this guy's just bleach blonde, so he's... I think I'll just have to send you some nude snaps, Alistair. No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay, Andy.

We don't do that on this podcast. A lot of these men seem very attracted to other men. Really? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's great. Is that a blonde thing? You know, it could be.

Could be. Gentlemen prefer blondes. It's true. It's never said if they were other gentlemen that they were preferring. That's true. Which I thought was very progressive. Now, Andy. Of it.

You know what's always nice? Is when like, because it's more rare, is when guys' nipples show through their shirt. Is that more rare? I don't know. Is it? I don't think so. I think that happens to me a lot right i just assume that most guys chests are not as uh prominently pressed up against their shirt yeah but also i mean women wear bras a lot more of the time right so there's that extra

padding that's true you're right you know to conceal that there would you um would you let's look let's look a little bit more at men's chests let's resolve to do that and try and get a more um you know a more clear sense of what's really going on out there would would it be too stupid for men to start wearing caps that say, my nipples are down here? Well, would it work on a cap? You don't think so? I think it would have to be t-shirts.

What if it said down there? Down there? Okay, that's a good edit. Yeah? I think that'll work. I mean, I only had to add a T. Yeah. No, that's good. edit. I think that'll work. I mean, I only had to add a T. Yeah. No, that's good. It's not too bad.

I'll be able to get that through to the printers. Before they print? Yeah. Pardon me with that. We're going to print today. There was something that we were just talking about, Alistair. The Louvre. What was it about?

No, it was about – it was in the line of naked men. Naked men. Their nipples. Preferring blondes. Oh, the bras. Oh, yeah. No, no, that's what it was. I was thinking about Marilynroe and obviously that iconic image of her walking over the um

the grating yeah and you know the air blowing up her her dress yeah and i think it's a shame that there isn't a similar version for men and i think that's because it's harder to do with pants sure but pants don't tend to parachute pants i think mc hammer should have done it parachute pants maybe would have worked but i'm thinking that if we want like a man you know because what it is is that frisson of like that that that danger of are you going to see the sort of the undergarments or something like that right and to really get that that happening for men i think he's either going to have to walk across some quite intense flame that burns his pants away or maybe some kind of acid that squirts up and dissolves the pants. Okay, yeah.

And then you sort of pose coquettishly there over one of those open acid squirting vents could it as as the pants could it be sort of like a fireman's hose squirting up from the ground yeah but what's that going to do to the pants i still don't see how that removes the pants well it will push the pant leg up i you know what i know? I was thinking about shorts. I was thinking about quite like, you know, like nylon kind of like, you know, running shorts or something like that. And then, oh, it exposes all the netting. Yeah. Oh, it's, you know, that kind of netting undergarment.

Yeah, okay. Oh, it's supposed, you know, that kind of netting undergarment. You go, oh, I guess you're going to find out whether I'm wearing a proper undergarment as well under this netting. I mean, yeah, for me, I think I can imagine the fire hose working if the water squirts up into the pants and fills up the pants so much. They become big swollen pants. Yeah. And we basically, like, they're on the brink of completely exploding with the pressure. Yeah.

They start to bust open like that. And that gets me to the same point of, oh, that's just as exciting there of the, you know, the risk factor of being exposed yeah i guess a kilt would have really done it a kilt of course of course a kilt andy is this a joke to you this is something a guy used to tell as a joke uh and when i was in high school or maybe after high school when i would hang out with him but it was something about like uh it was it was a scottish joke well it was you know the characters were scottish i don't know if it comes from scotland but it was basically it was like uh you know i apologize i'm probably going to do a little bit of a Scottish accent or at least an attempt. But, you know, it was a lady and a man. And I think I believe they call them a lass and a laddie.

And then the, I think maybe the lady says, I've gone with laddie and lady. But I'm going to say the lady and a man and a lad. Fuck, no, a lady and a man. All right. So the lady says to the man, she goes, oh, you want to hug me, don't you? Something like that. And then he goes, aye, but how'd you know that? And she said, oh.

And she had a reason, right? I can't remember what the first reason was then the second was um and then the second one was like ah but you you want to kiss me too don't you and he goes i but how'd you know that and she goes oh i can see because you're you're licking your lips like something like that right and then the third one was uh that's what i do when i want to kiss someone by the way that's right yeah and then she goes ah you want to fuck me don't you like that and he goes i but how'd you know that something like that and then she goes i could tell from the tilt in your kilt something like that is that is do you think that's enough of a punchline? I always wondered whether it was questionable.

I really don't think it is. It's from the tilt in your kilt. I'm quite disappointed. Really? Right? Well, unless the other things rhymed, right, so that there was a pattern and there was like an extra level of expectation or something.

But I don't think there's almost nothing there. Because of a flip. Right? Because of a flip of your lip like that. Yeah. But even then, no, I'm really left wanting. I mean, the kilt seems like there's so much potential. Yeah.

Comedically. Yeah. in it. It's one of the funniest garments, but I don't see that any of that potential was realized in that joke. Would you say it's the funniest because you don't believe that men should wear dresses? Well, I think because it's non-conventional at this point still for men to wear them but also because the kilt itself has a bit of an inbuilt seriousness to it that is fun to undermine yeah yeah that's true and i realize it's been done a lot it's no longer really

surprising to see somebody in a kilt and then see them exposed in some way i think it would be funnier to see somebody at their wedding sort of dressed as goku from dragon ball z i know i don't know who goku is from dragon ball z i'm sorry he kind of wears like a wear a dress no not a dress he just kind of wears like a like an orange kind of body suit with a with a blue slash blue sash around as a belt and kind of a little blue undershirt with quite a wide O neck. Maybe an elliptical neck. Like that.

And he's kind of got big boots, big blue boots. Yeah, I mean, look. Would you say... That could be something. Would you say a Goku? I'm completely sure. He kind of looks a little bit like a monk but you know a fighting monk i guess in a way but but um um now i'm just going to put this

out there alistair and i don't know if you wrote down anything about our a man getting exposed by having acid or fire squirted at his legs sure but i think there is a sketch idea there with you know i say a young male celebrities team or not even young, just a male celebrity's team trying to arrange a viral moment like the Marilyn Monroe one, but that it involves having his pants burned off or acid um melting them away sure i think that that has a uh enough enough in there or a big a big fire hose do you think that that's got enough in it look i think a big fire hose could work as well i'm going to need a few more diagrams i don't really think it works quite as well if it's shorts because there's not the again there's not that um subversion of expectation as much there i think i think there is i think if you got short shorts real you know stubbies and and there's just even if it's just the air and they puff up

and suddenly almost immediately there's a there's a visible testicle. Yeah, okay. All right. That's funny. Yeah, okay. You did it. But obviously, they're trying multiple things, Andy. This is about a team.

Yes. Trying. Yeah. This is about, you know, it's about a team who believe in something but then fail and then we can laugh at them for even tempting to risk putting themselves out there. Then maybe we can follow them home with the sketch and see how that sadness affects their home life. Well, but also I'd like to see them, you know, persevering and then ultimately succeeding. That's right. Starting again the next day, maybe with another client, because they probably would have lost their client from all the acid burns that they caused to them.

But then they get there and they achieve that beautiful moment of that public exposure of that testicle. That's right. We see the paparazzi snapping away. Oh,icle. That's right. We see the paparazzi snapping away. Oh, yes. That's right. And amongst the acid wounds pops out a fresh unburnt testicle. And for that one moment, that one moment before the acid has covered it and started dissolving the skin, that's the moment that the cameraman captures. That moment that will live forever in the hearts of anybody who buys gossip magazines.

Yeah. Depending on whether or not they do have hearts um yeah well done how many sketch ideas have we got alistair not that i'm putting any pressure on you there's four ah four it's a good number yeah beautiful you have time pressure andy no no no no no i, you know, in one way I'm supposed to be doing other things right now. But in another way, this is where I want to be. That's really nice of you to say, Andy. I appreciate that.

And I think all the listeners appreciate you being here today in this moment. Thanks. And you're taking time away from your family to do this as well. Always. But, you know, I'm always taking time away from my family to do this as well? Always. But, you know, I'm always taking time away from my family to do anything. Would you? And, you know, even my extended family, taking time away from my extended family who I could be visiting right now. Even spending time with your family.

And I could be researching my ancestors. Even spending time with your family, in a way, is just an opportunity to be mentally distant from them you know whilst you look at your phone or whatever you know and and you're right there and they could see that they could spend a proper moment with you but you're actually still miles away keeping up to date with what the local politicians are up to and things like that yeah just reading the tweets of people that you loathe yeah on twitter just just seething just that opportunity to be exposed to just some of the most vile and infuriating sentiments that you'll ever read and then close your eyes and try and go to sleep what do you think is the great the closest that you could be to people physically and the

furthest away mentally you could be well obviously there's love making yeah right i mean that's a sure that's a big thing yeah but you know there's probably um in terms of emotional intimacy there's probably greater things like you know um comforting somebody who is grieving whilst having sex with them whilst having sex with someone else but i'm saying like you know you're comforting somebody by who's grieving by having sex with them this is the comfort that you guys are falling into but then mentally where are you what's the furthest away you could be mentally? Yeah, yeah. Let's see. Groceries.

Yeah, I'm watching a video. I've been watching a lot of videos of people repairing old tools. What about? You know, like restoring them. Do you think by being physically far away in your thoughts, that would put you mentally far away? Like, let's say you were thinking, you were contemplating the edge of the universe. Do you think that would put you as far mentally as you could be?

Yeah, I mean, I think if you were trying to solve some of those great riddles of time and space, you know, if you're pondering you're pondering a grand unification theory or something like that. So you're just sort of making it useful. Do you ever imagine what it's like to be dead? I think I do it all the time and then I have to remember that I'm alive still.

I picture what it's like to be dead, what the darkness feels like. i don't picture that at all what i do picture is popping my head off like a cork really you picture that yeah a lot yeah a lot how do you picture the actual the actual thing happening oh like just getting yanked off by something but like what like so like a like a chain or a rope or you know a branch of a tree or something like that but let's say okay let's say it's a chain it's wrapped around your neck and then each bit of the chain is attached to like a horse and carriage or something or like yeah something like that yeah yeah and then it it gets yanked and it really does fly off. Yeah.

When I'm picturing it, it's really got to get quite a bit of height to give me what I need in that respect, which is, you know, this is a way that I break myself out of, like, you know, uncomfortable thought patterns or something like that. This is my kind of… is my This is something to ease The mind to focus back on Something pleasant No quite genuinely I find it very relaxing

To Imagine that To imagine your head being lopped off Not lopped off no that doesn't do anything For me it's really got to pop off like a cork Wait wait what's the difference between lopping and popping? Well, lopping and chopping, there's no... Yeah, that's actually quite unpleasant now that I'm thinking about it.

But is that just a blade going by? Yeah, and the head sort of flopping down like that. No, there's nothing fun about that at all. But let's say like a drive. Really relaxed. I need my head to be constricted until, you know, it does, you know, it's just, it pops off. So, let's say, so that one with the chain, right? Let's say you were standing on the side of the road and, well, in the sort of like a, near like a truck way station or something like that and

two trucks going opposite directions a lot uh with with chains attached to them make your head pop off like that right that makes you feel good but if you were standing close to the freeway and a car goes by and there's a drive-by samurai in there who's just takes out his blade and it passes through your neck without you really noticing because that's how much speed yeah it's going through it and your head just kind of then falls off that is unpleasant to you that's awful i actually really don't like thinking about that well now you can just now to stop thinking about it you could just picture your head popping off. I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to. Anyway, I'd love to hear if any listeners use the same strategies. I told you once about, maybe I said this on pod,

but I knew some people who said that they picture their head being crushed by a tank in order to fall asleep. Right. And they just picture laying down and having a tank's tracks roll over their head and their head just popping as a way to help them fall asleep. Again, I hate that one. I really hate that one.

Yeah. one i really hate that one it's oh it's yeah well i don't like i don't like any of them actually okay see i i picture dead being dead and then i find that mostly unpleasant right but you still do it i do it but because it's like it doesn't involve me dying it just pictures me trying to picture what it's like to not be experiencing anything and just experiencing complete death. Yeah. Look, I have tried to contemplate nothingness, which I think is a similar kind of challenge, and I haven't got very far. I find that disconcerting just because I can't do it you know that pushing your mind to that

place is a real, feels like a real strain I think I achieve it too easily okay yeah and then I have to be reminded that I'm alive I have to go oh great you know because I think I kind of I'm constantly projecting forward like you know I't know, when am I going to die?

I said 15 years and then just picturing actually being dead and then not experiencing anything. But then at the same time, picturing my family going on without me. Yeah? Yeah. And what do you picture about them? Do you picture them being happy or sad well no i picture them being sad kind of being you know like i mean not the whole time yeah but you know i assume that they have to carry around a sadness within them

yeah geez what do you think is the sketch in all this i mean what i think you know it's it's interesting to to think that in the future we might be able to be decapitated recreationally you know yeah um well that the medical science will be at the point where being decapitated will just be another luxury that the rich have access to. The rest of us. Because of the quality of their health care. But the rest of us, you know, don't get that. Sure. And I can picture that becoming almost a social justice issue.

We're people out in the streets chanting, off with our heads, the rabble, getting upset about their right to have their own heads cut off. Yeah, yeah. It could actually have incredible therapeutic benefits that we don't know about. Sure. I mean, I guess it'd be nice to be able to just try it with a toe

or a heel or something like that. It's not just getting your heel chopped off. No, I don't think that would give you anything. I don't think that would give you any insight. So you're just looking for getting your head cut off? Yeah, I think so. And then they'll put it back on again obviously why wait wait how do you know having your toe cut off is not going to do anything

it might be hugely free yeah okay all right you go oh i didn't realize how much tension i was holding in that toe but um but were you suggesting that alist, that having your toe cut off is a form of decapitation? Yeah. Because your head is removed from your toe? I don't think decapitation means getting your head removed. I think that is exactly what it means. I think the cap component in decapitation means head. Oh, right.

It is, yeah. I just assumed that decapitation was just bits being cut off. No. I've never seen it. That's amputation. Well, in a medical sense it is, yeah. And I think in other senses. Well, so is decapitation.

It's also amputation. Yeah, sure. I've got to pee really bad, so you keep going for a sec. Yeah, okay. I'll keep going. There's a rich vein that we've discovered here, Alistair. But I think that if you are able to offer – it would be like flatliners, right? You know, where they stop people's hearts and

then they bring them back from the dead. Let's do a version of flatliners with, I just thought of a film called Binliners. Now, I don't know exactly what that is, but in some way, it's a parody of flatliners. Leave it with me and I'll see if I can flesh that out. Or send in a message if you've thought of an idea of what the concept of the movie Binliners could be that would make it a parody of Flatliners. But, you know, a movie in which you can get your head cut off, right, and then put back on again as a sort of a almost, you know, I imagine it gives you a real rush, you know, and imagine that.

Oh, the feeling of having maybe your brain is still slightly conscious like that as, you know, your eyes are propped open, as your head is taken away, right, and I imagine the intensity of the rush is proportional to how far away from your body that your head can get, right? And being able to have that out-of-body experience, or at least off-body experience, where you see your own body from across the room, oh, as they go further and further away, that tension, oh, they're not going to get it back in time, right? But then they rush it're not going to get it back in time right but then

they rush it back over and they stitch it back on but i mean what a what a thrill oh look oh no wait forget it that was just lop i still had lop open i think um i think that's a i think that's a sketch idea, Alistair. Yeah, well, I've written down recreational decapitation. Have you already done three words from a listener? No, no, I haven't. Okay, that's good. Well, then we're up to three words from a listener.

I don't know if you know, Andy, we have listeners. And luckily, not long before recording this episode, John Dooley sent me three words from a listener. John Dooley. And I think it was from him. Yes. Good choice, John. Do you want to try and guess what JD sent in as the three words?

Yeah, I do. Okay, so the first word is dream catcher no no no um but oh there's hardly any yeah no hardly any words but maybe one vowel it's hang. Tang? Hang. Hang. Hang. Oh, okay. Yeah. What about paragon? Is the second word paragon?

No. No, it's down. Hang down. Is this about hang down your head, John Dooley? So, I mean, the next word could either be your or it could be head i think it's probably head hang down head all right you ready yeah it is head you did it isn't it amazing that we've done a large proportion of the episode already about sort of being hung by your head? But in that scenario, the head goes up because it pops off like a cork.

That's right. But, you know, something hangs down. That's true. It could be a new sentence. You know, you're hanging down momentarily while the chains sort of tighten around your neck. The rest of your body, you know, like that. And then head.

Look at that. That's kind of what you say. And not you, but somebody else, when they see it pop off, they go, head. Like that. Now, we've already talked on the podcast, I believe, about different forms of, you know, we've talked about, you know, how people might asphyxiate themselves a little bit to increase the pleasure of sexual things. Yeah. And I think we talked already about using that asphyxiation

to increase the pleasure of other things like a nice meal with your family or a walk in the sunshine. Yeah. or a walk in the sunshine, or a business promotion, getting a promotion at work. Your boss calls you into your office. He says, I've got some good news. And you say, look, do you mind if I choke myself a little bit?

That's right, yeah. So that to increase the pleasure of this good news. You say um or you get down on one knee and you go and you go you get down on one knee in front of your beloved and then you start choking yourself you go will you marry me like that and then yeah and then and then hope then she goes, I will. She chokes herself as well. Oh, my God. And then they hug and cry together whilst going, I love you. I love you.

You don't like that? Is that why businessmen wear ties? So that they can kill themselves at any time? I suppose you could just have... Is that why they have that little noose around the neck there? I suppose it seems like it would be very simple if you just had like a little tie clip that was built into the wall. Where you could just put your tie into it and then sort of remove your legs, the bottom bit of your legs, just take them out from below you, and then you could just dangle there and I guess you could end it.

Yeah. Well, there you go. That's interesting. Hang down your. Yeah, it's interesting that they decided to do when they hang people, that they decided to do it around the neck. Because, I mean, really they could have done it. From any bit.

From the hair? From any bit. The hair around the middle of the face. They could have used like one of those sort of claws, like, you know, that you use to pick up toys in a sort of a skill tester thing. And just around the side of the head. Yeah. Yeah.

They could have put the noose under the arms. That's true, yeah. Isn't that interesting? Though that like if you put the noose under the arms, that becomes just what they do to airlift someone to safety. To keep you safe. Wouldn't that have been better if instead of hanging people who had done bad things, they realized, oh, this person needs to be kept safe away from themselves and away from others. Yeah.

And they would airlift them to safety. And they would airlift them to safety. Yeah, maybe to like the side of a cliff or something like that where they could see, you know, like a nest of, you know, eagles or something like that kind of be raised from chicks up to adulthood. Maybe somehow that would change them. I mean, is there a sort of a dark version of those helicopter rescue people who are the helicopter executioners who, you know, if a criminal is stuck on a ledge somewhere or is maybe hiding on a ledge somewhere, they fly and they put a noose around their neck and they hang them.

Instead of helicoptering them away to safety, they helicopter them away to their own doom. Is this a sketch idea, do you think, Alistair? I think there's probably something more where the noose is under the arms and we do something, you know, it's like old school social justice. Yeah, sure, sure. Maybe, maybe not. Yeah, I mean, I think a scene in a movie, you know,

like a Western where the guy is there, he's about to get hung, right? But the hangman puts the noose around the neck, but then keeps pulling it a bit open, pulling it down further, loops it around under the arms, gives it a pull, little tug, and then we see through a hole in the roof opens up and we see that the rope is attached to a helicopter. They've got helicopters in the Old West. Or possibly just like it's looped over something,

and there's a horse outside pulling it. I wonder if they just lift him off. They lift him off the ground so he can't touch the ground, and then they lift him up, and then they just dangling, he goes, now you think about what you've done. Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. Because, yes, because, and you know what's great about this is that since we stopped capital punishment and hanging people, all of that, you know, that institutional knowledge of the executioners, the hang people, all the skills of tying those nooses and building those gallows, all that's just gone to waste, right?

And that's an industry, you know, like the coal industry. The coal industry is also killing people, but we don't want people in that industry to lose jobs. Oh, but we were happy for the people in the executioner's industry to lose their jobs. Yeah, it's sad. Well, really, we should have helped them transition and keep those skills alive by using the same techniques of hanging, but just for more mild punishment, like hanging people up under their arms just off the ground to let them think about what they've done. You know, less of the,

you will be taken from this place and hung by your neck until you are dead, and more of the, you'll be taken from this place and hung sort of on a rope just around under your armpits until you are sorry. That's right. Until you've really thought about what you've done. So there you go. John Dooley. John Dooley.

Thank you very much. Thanking you. Have I ever told you the idea that I had where it's like any time a dictator does something bad or is about to do something real bad, we just make it illegal for dictators to declare war and stuff right and start wars or whatever and then they get taken and they get put in a nuclear sub that travels the world right and they've got resources to survive there but they're just kept away from everybody else and the only way to get to it is just another sub that goes to that sub and they somehow dock. And then so then there's just all these dictators that just all live on the one nuclear sub.

Oh, they're all on the same one. They're all on the same one. And then they just learn to live together. Just dictators. Yeah. Wow. I mean, I think it'd be fun. Can we watch them on a tv show yeah it's also big brother that's how you pay for the whole thing yeah i pay for the uranium and everything in the

you know renting the subs from the americans of course the americans are running the program this could be part of our um despot and dateless um extended universe which i'm still really passionate about making that dating show happen. Yeah, great. I think that's really good. Where we use prosthetics to make the people dating look like. Despots, people who've killed lots of people. Despots.

Yeah. I'm desperate to do this. I'm desperate to have my career ended. I am absolutely aching for this to all be done okay well so um we better we better run just do the sketch ideas all right we got the self-made tall list and forbes wet wetness or forbes wet and these are all about other self-made people or you know other people you know most wet man that kind of thing um forbes wettest men list wettest people wettest australians

each country will have its own one um it'll be forbes.wet.wet.au. Anyway, and then we got reverse scuba mask for drowning on land. Then we got the snorkel suit to snorkel the Louvre and other land-based attractions. We got the man version of Marilyn Monroe. Clearly writing down snorkel suit instead of my very good pushing him around in a glass bathtub. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. suit instead of my very good pushing him around in a bath that glass bathtub yeah okay all right

all right well i know but the reason why is because the snorkel suit if you're just in that you can you can sort of be walking around and doing this snorkeling motion with your arms and i think that's funnier yeah okay but you can you can change history later on but you know yeah i will the victors the victors write the history or whatever that saying is. And then we got a man version of Marilyn Monroe great thing, but with fire or acid. Look at that, Andy. Nobody wrote down big fire hose or anything like that. Thanks, Al.

Thanks, Al. Boy, I am merciful. Then we got recreational decapitation, and then we got executioner but puts loop under the arms and lifts them up and says, now you can think about what you've done. Really good.

Dude. Dudes. Dudes. Dudes. Dudes. Really good. Also, thank you very much for listening. George told me that last episode I didn't change the rhythm. I know. I was about to tell you exactly the same thing. But then he also said, I said i said oh yeah i maybe my brain was

fucking up but then he said but andy's timing was all over the place well hang on so i don't know you didn't change the rhythm any more than you do from beat to beat i guess it was within andy's sort of standard deviation within each beat it was within Andy's sort of standard deviation. Within each beat, it was still on rhythm. It was only when you look at them as a whole that, you know, there's a problem. Yeah. So there you go. Thank you for listening to the Tuna Think Tank.

We love that. You can find the pop test. You can find any other thing that we've ever done online somewhere. Can I plug Gustav and Henry? Oh, yeah. You can find the pop test. You can find any other thing that we've ever done online somewhere. Can I plug Gustav and Henry? Oh, yeah. The book that I've written with Pete. If you can't find it in any of the standard places,

it's sold out on Amazon really quickly because they only had a very few copies. I'm only learning now how Amazon works. But if you can't find it there, please try and find it in a regular bookshop or online somewhere else. Thank you. If you have a young person in your life, anywhere at all, or even if you just walk past them sometimes, it's a kid's book, Gustav and Henry. It's a fun adventure story, and I think they might like it.

Thank you very much for listening. And we love you. Bye.