Two In The Think Tank - 335 - "What's the Deal with the Bean Guy?"

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

Mom and Pop Airport, Border Subcurity, John Henry of Cavity Searches, Visualised Fixtures, Normal Talk Cup of Tea, Bean Guy - What's His Deal? Tilt the Field, Motorbike Matador, Ball GownPlease purchase Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereVibrant throngs of thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Sketch ideas! This episode of the show is brought to you by the Marvel series Moon Knight. They're not sponsoring us or anything, but I did actually watch some of it recently. Last night, actually, while I was making the boys' lunches. And it is the first Marvel thing that I've ever watched that hasn't made me feel terrible.

That's good. Like, you know, yeah. Oscar Isaac, who's playing the lead character, is just doing like a genuinely quite like human, silly, funny character and performance. And I found it very compelling. And don't get me wrong, I enjoy quite a bit of Marvel stuff on one level. Yeah. But then it is like eating like really unhealthy food where you go, oh, God, what am I doing to my body?

But this one, you know, left me feeling energized and rejuvenated and youthful. Does he have a love interest? Sort of, sort of, yeah, yeah. Is it Q from James Bond? Have you seen the show? No, I haven't. It's the corpse of Desmond Llewellyn, which I found to be very, very interesting, you know,

as a choice for Marvel to make, to have not only a gay love interest, but to have it be a sort of a necrophilic one with a very dead old man it was like yes yes but maybe that's what where you found the humor came from for you because you know often that was played very sweetly that wasn't okay that wasn't played for laughs i suppose you don't want the humor to come from a sort of a, I guess what you would consider a non-traditional relationship. Exactly. We don't need to.

We've seen that parodied. You know, those jokes are old. I would like, I can't wait to see the spinoff where it is just Q's corpse. Yeah, absolutely. And what it does. They were setting that up. It was a little on the nose a bit obvious but but you know but what would you because like i mean i suppose they they probably you know the

marvel universe is looking for different formats you know it keeps moving into different things you know some comedy some tv shows some movies some i think I think they're doing comic books now as well. And it wouldn't be so if they did like a 24-hour live stream of just like the rotting corpse of a... If they integrate different things. I think at different points, they've probably done things like that. And so if they just were to integrate something

that is actually from the real world and they can just film it at 24 hours a day that would allow them to get into twitch or something like that yeah yeah no i wouldn't i wouldn't be surprised either if that was the next thing announced by marvel well they're so hungry for content you know it's a juggernaut it's an absolute juggernaut. Alistair, this episode is also brought to you by my book, Gustav and Henry. They haven't been selling enough copies apparently.

So I guess this is me begging you to buy a copy for a young reader in your life? I mean, like in quite a pathetic way if if that makes sense like i'm like i'm desperate um okay yeah i'm kind of kind of wetting my pants a little bit you know kind of like really like groveling when you say wetting your pants are you saying uh w e t t or w e d d both yeah uh wetting w e t d so uh so that's a kind of a wetting that is also a wedding oh yes well the like the urine is sort of the uh is the the celebrant the urine is the celebrant in the piss myself that is the wedding of my pants. Yeah, wedding of your pants. Yeah.

Anyway, Gustav and Henry, I think it's very good. Yeah, I also think it's very good. Thank you, Alistair. They goddamn need to get their hands on it and eyeballs in it. Now, apparently, if you try and buy it on Booktopia or Amazon, they might be sold out, but that's only because Amazon only took a stock list of two copies. So it makes us look a lot more successful than we are.

How could they even order two copies? Did somebody just hand them two copies? Yeah, they dropped it off into Jeff Bezos' hand-del into his letterbox but um but you if you look a little bit further you can find an independent bookseller or even like big w or kmart or some shit they've got it but so but if you can find an independent big w sort of a mom and pop big w if you can, just because we want to support these people. Now, is that something we talked about on the podcast once? We talked about, I'm going to open a Woolworths. I'm going to open...

That's funny, but a mom and pop Woolworths. A mom and pop Woolworths? What's the... No, I guess Futurama already did mom's robots or whatever it was and it was like a you know a home style thing but what else what what but i mean if it was like something like a bunnings or an airport it's a mom and pop airport that's really nice so dad pop is up there in the air traffic control thing right directing all the planes and he's folksy style and like he's telling the kids to back out of uh you know the holden and uh and mom what's mom doing is she well she'd be be taking tickets and doing security. Yeah, okay.

That's really nice. All right, come into this back room with me. All right. That's when she's putting on a glove. Oh, is she? Yeah, right. What's she going to do with it? Oh, she's going to rummage through the anus. I mean, how deep do they go into the anus?

Do they just put their finger in there? That's the thing. I don't think they're going that deep. I don't think they really want it. Yeah. Yeah. So, because like that, yeah. I'd never really thought deeply about this.

So, when they kind of like, oh, you're going to have to come into the anus. Are they putting two fingers in and pulling your anus apart and then looking in there with a little, with a little, uh, like, you know, small flashlight.

Uh, are they putting one of those sort of glass, one of those glass, like butt plugs so that they can look through it has like a telescopic lens so that they can see all the way to the other end. Yeah. Maybe one with a light. There must be butt plugs that have

cameras in them, right? That must be a sex thing for some people. Do they ever put like one of those little wires, like a, you know, like one of those wires with a camera on it that you swallow, but with your butt. And then go in there and look around and see if there's any baggies.

You know, here's a couple of options. They could train some kind of a worm. your butt you know and go in there and look around see if there's any baggies you know um you know here's a couple of options they could train some kind of a worm to go up there right with a camera or just one that can can come and communicate with you and give a nod if there's yes it comes back and communicates it forms the shape of letters with its body yeah it spells out the drug yeah um but but uh uh hang on wait i've lost what i was going to say fuck come back thought where did you lose uh what do we do we go oh uh oh fuck this is not good content but i really really wanted to say the thing that I thought. Oh, here it is.

Okay. This is what it is. It's a sort of one of those stories of man versus machine, right? Like the famous folk song, Joe Henry, which is about Joe Henry, who's a man who drives rail spikes with a sledgehammer and how the line boss brings down this sort of steam drill machine. Yeah. And it's a song about how John Henry hammers, you know, 13 rail spikes to the steam drill machines. One.

Right. It's that. Right. But for inspecting people's buttholes at the airport so he's the last guy who still does it um with his with his hand right just with his fingers and he's able to detect you know the presence of stuff and he's up against a sort of a someone who someone who's using cameras and an ultrasound and that kind of just a machine like one of those like bomb diffusing machines that is made for looking in your butt

for finding drugs yeah exactly exactly and it's you know it's the heartwarming story of how he's able to best this machine uh even though his job is about to be replaced um and what's great about it is that the the entire process for the people who are being examined in that way is very dehumanizing but john henry is able to keep his humanity he is a beautiful bedside manner yeah or a sort of plastic seat side matter okay so wait what's that guy called again in the store john henry the john henry of um cavity searches uh is what it is port cavity searches i mean andy while you were at the beginning of your saying your thing while you're figuring it out i wrote down a sketch which is just a classic this is a classic tv sketch

right so it's again it's an airport security based one airport security says you know they're going through their bag and uh you know they find this they go i don't know you know maybe they find some food you're not allowed to bring this in here you know things like that and then do you have anything else on your person they go no and then you know they throw away all the stuff they found and they go okay and they put on some rubber gloves and then you go okay you're gonna have to come into a back room with us takes into the back room and then he makes him a submarine sandwich. And then he does a cavity search.

Well, I suppose he could while he's eating. Yeah. Yeah. You eat this while I do. Okay, now you eat this while i do a cavity search um yeah that's a real uh both ends isn't it it's a real what both ends he's doing your both ends you've got oh you're absolutely sub going in the mouth. He's absolutely spit roasting you. With a sandwich in one mouth and a hand in the other mouth,

the butt's mouth. This is good. It's another ceramics class classic. Oh, yeah. Well, let's release a CD, which is just the ceramics class classics. Something that you can take along to your ceramics class and pop it in the cd player there and um yeah i suppose we could we could probably just do a cd where it's like one that you actually could play in a ceramics class because i feel if you call it a ceramics class classic people are going to want to play it into their ceramics

class yeah that's the risk isn't it yeah but I suppose I do also like the confusion of that. It's almost humorous, almost maybe exactly what you were intending. Could have been. I wouldn't rule it out at this point. But I do worry that you could be getting credit here for something that you didn't actually intend. Yeah. Better to withhold the judgment of humor.

I'd rather see a thousand funny men be received by silence than see a single unfunny man get a laugh. That's justice to me. I think that's fair. Do you think we should ever clip things up and put them online? Yeah, I think that would be really good. I think that's exactly – like if we had the vaguest intention of making this show successful, we'd be doing that kind of stuff. Because sometimes we do say funny things and sometimes we get them out quite

succinctly you know they they'd fit in a clip not always not always but that's the point of the clip that's why you clip it you clip the good ones yeah i know gosh we don't clip the bad bits you don't you don't clip the bad bits okay well so you see already this i'm learning you don't put together a low lights package uh but we could we could maybe if we hired someone um i think a low lights package is interesting um you know maybe at the end of a football season or something you um you know that they always need more content right they need They need things to throw to. A little lowlights package. We've cut out all the best bits from the game and we've taken them out so that you can watch the rest.

That's what cutting them out means. We've cut them out. We're throwing them away permanently as well. It wasn't easy to get rid of them, but they're gone. It's just the perfect format because some people will do love to watch the best bits and some people don't want to watch the whole game and so it's perfect for those people to just watch the low lights yeah because because i mean sometimes if you're watching all the boring bits then you'll

be even more surprised by the amazing result at the end of the game. How could such a great result have come from such a terribly dry football match? Yeah, well, then what's good about that is it leaves us so much up to the imagination. It lets it happen in the mind of the sports fan. Oh, yes. It lets it happen in the mind of the sports fan. Oh, yes. It rewards those with the ability to imagine all the exciting things that could have happened.

Because once you've seen the highlights of a season, you know that that's as good as it gets. But if there's a hard ceiling on that. They've been like, this is it. This is as good as it is possible for this sport to be, right? Yeah. But if you just watch the lowlights package, how good the sport could be is limited only by your imagination.

That's right. It could be infinitely good. There should be a kind of like a, you know, like one are those oatmeal oatmeal religious people quakers um it should be the the uh the quaker like a quaker style for true football fans like where they go and sit in a room for 90 minutes quietly in silence and they imagine the game that would happen this week and they you know because they if you're a real fan you'll know every player and you'll know all the decisions that they could be

making you'll see you start with the kickoff you probably even know all the rules of the sport and stuff like that so you see you can picture the kickoff and then you know you can just watch the whole game happen and then potentially you could right unfold in your mind and then you know you're watching these people in this room and you're seeing them occasionally jump up with their hands in the air cheering right oh yeah yeah exactly cheering what's that yeah go yeah yeah exactly exactly on that kind of stuff and then then abusing the judge or the referee. Potentially, you could be drinking beer and having snacks and stuff like that as well. Oh, of course. Of course.

Or maybe you're just imagining those as well. Oh, yeah. That could be good. But we're trying to convince people to do this. That would be a good ad, right, for something. I mean, it doesn't really matter what it's an ad for. But, you know, one of those things where you're like, you treat the, it's footage of a football game or something,

but you have the commentary and the setup is that you're you're treating the person getting back to their seat with their snacks or something like it's the game you know that kind of shit right so you you know he's he's going to get the snacks he's coming oh yeah i think there was an ad like that i think well there you go see yeah and then he's got it and he's got it you know he's grabbed a beer or something like that. He's grabbed some nachos or something like that. I'm sorry. Yeah.

I mean, it's so. You'd make a great ad guy. You know, I would. I would. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid to say it.

Thanks, man. If I'm going to lose you to anything, Andy, I hope it's ads. You're never going to lose me me you're stuck with me um okay look i'll just write down something to do with the imagining the game yeah yeah yeah um well that's that's the thing isn't it um You could have – because each season of any sporting code sort of consists of two things, right? It consists of the set of things that did happen and then the set of things that didn't happen. And the set of things that didn't happen is a negative space

um that exists and is just as real as say a shadow right sure and you know you can still you can still get a lot of entertainment from a shadow can't you you know you go to one of those shadows puppetry things right and so i think that you know reporting on the things that didn't happen in the weeks of the sporting week and there's so many more people visualizing it so then there's so many more matches to but also then you get to then then there can also be the real match yeah yeah for the real fan then you get you get two matches a week at least and then you might get reports on other people's uh visualization matches

uh oh and maybe you can gamble on it on somebody else's visualization match um alistair before we started the podcast podcast, you were making fun of me, which is how we like to start every podcast. He's very mean to me off pod. He really talks me down. Well, it's because we're recording this episode. I got to go to Sydney yesterday to be on a tv show that andy helped me get on to and uh and then while i was there i left my laptop charger there and so and so i'm running on the battery power of my laptop right now that is just we got 55 left and 53 pardon me and so um you know we we we don't have time and so andy was

like do i have time to make a cup of tea i was like well i'm you know we've got limited battery time and so uh it's up to you you know that was obviously a great hint to let's get this fucking show on the road and then andy's like no and then he started boiling water and so he started boiling water on a stove top just like medieval style and then he you know and then i was attempting to make fun of him because you know andy lives in a rural area now he's decided to choose the non the non-ci lifestyle. So, he had to go find some kindling and things like that. I turned my back on the, you know, civilization. Yeah. On the hustle and bustle.

And so then Andy, you know, had to go and, you know, find a guy who sells flint. So, he had to trade some wild mushrooms in exchange for flint there because the guy loves to, you knowive hallucinogenic experiences in exchange for whatever he can scrabble out of this mine, this kind of quarry that he lives in. Exactly. Now, Alistair, and I was wondering if – I know you didn't intend any of that to be funny at the time. It was just meant to be genuinely hurtful, what you were saying. But I am able to, like, see through that and see that there is also some comic potential in an idea like that.

simple as sort of a sketch set in the distant past where people are having quite a normal conversation. Somebody comes over to their house, right, or hut or whatever it is. Yeah. And then, you know, then they talk in perfectly normal modern English. I think this is part of the potential humour of it. They talk normally about, you know, things, current things and in a current way, right, and somebody is just offering to put on the kettle.

Shall I pop the kettle on? Right? And then we see the process of popping the kettle on as being this long, laborious thing that they have to do, right? This will be a real highlight of the sketch, I can tell you already. Oh, I'll tell you what, the long, laborious thing. Oh, I can't wait. I can already hear people tuning in to this.

Oh, but at least people will be like, well, oh, these people are talking normal. So that's exciting already. Yeah, and then, you know. He's chopping wood, trying to find dry kindling under some pine trees. Yeah. You know, and maybe they're keeping the conversation going or something while this whole thing is happening.

Oh, talking's still completely normal. Yeah, yeah. People are going to love that bit. And then maybe this story doesn't really fit within a traditional sketch, you know, two to three minutes. It might be more like a feature length sketch. But the whole story, yeah, it is a feature film, I think, but the whole story is this person just trying to make a cup of tea.

It's bookended by the conversation where the people pop by the hut and they you know welcome them in and offer to make the cup of tea and then there's the long story of them getting all the pieces and making it happen and then at the very end it's them coming back with the cup of tea and then uh then saying uh milk right like that and that's how we set it up for the sequel because we know that the sequel is going to be them uh getting the milk go exchange some magic beans for a fucking cow and yeah because not enough of the stories have been made about the guy who who had the magic beans and wanted a cow yeah yeah that's really interesting you're right what's with that guy wait to get rid of magic beans where are you growing these fucking beanstalks because really harvesting beanstalks for their beans it's an interesting one isn't it jack and the beanstalk because it really sets jack up to look like a fucking idiot right because he basically i feel like the premise at

the start is like jack falls for this scam basically yeah like he's really dumb and then it turns out the magic beans are really magic beans. Now, yeah, so what are we supposed to take from that? Sorry, you finished your sentence. Well, no, I mean, I wonder, is the guy who gives the beans to Jack, is that Jesus, do you think, maybe? Well, but why is Jesus sending you to a murderous giant? Yeah, well, you know, mysterious way. Well, but why is Jesus sending you to a murderous giant? You know?

Yeah. Like, so, I think. Yeah, well, you know, mysterious ways. Because, like, the message almost is, do fall for scams, because sometimes they aren't too good to be true. Mm. Fall for very obvious scams. Like, yeah. fall for very obvious scams like yeah but then but then you're right that like even it wasn't really too good to be true because along the way there were many points at which

jack could have died very easily so i mean ultimately it's a it is a miracle that he survived, but that was by no means the most certain outcome, right? Still feels like it could have turned very bad, even though the beans were really magic. Yeah, but the beans also aren't necessarily related to the giant right like did it just so happen that he that he just like the guy who had the magic beans which might not be magic it seems like they just grow a very large plant yeah i mean there could be magic behind that yeah but it also just seemed like i mean the one reading of it could be that it just happened that he grew his big plant under the space where the giant happens to live. Oh, I think you're absolutely right about that. You're right.

That is unrelated. Yeah. The fact that the guy sold the magic beans, he wasn't like, this will take you to a giant. I think he was just like, oh, no, this will make a crazy big stalk of beans and then you'll have an access to lots of beans big beans i mean this would give you a real fucked up beans like you know like you know how like farming involves growing many many plants and that's a huge pain in the ass you need a lot of land well this you can this is basically the skyscraper of plants you can grow one and then you'll have so many beans that you just like you

won't you could just spend all day harvesting and you still will just have endless beans and your family will no longer have to experience poverty because you can just sell beans and you can swap it for like cows and stuff like that if you need if you need like protein sometimes we know that the beans themselves are just normal-sized beans. So this enormous bean plant grows regular-sized beans. That's right. Well, very, very perfect for human consumption beans. Yeah, but they're going to be difficult to harvest, right? Because they're so high up in the sky.

And also, we don't know what effect these beans have on the human body if you eat them well that's true but yeah i guess we don't know that and they might be with some of those beans that you need to like soak before you eat them so it's like what the fuck forget that yeah but maybe that's maybe you got to dry out beans before they do that i'm not sure but yeah so that's all possible we don't yeah we don't know and so so maybe that's the problem, that this guy had a big plant that had these magic – that created these beans that only really allows you to grow more vines like that, the beanstalks. But then he's like, shit, this is crazy because there's actually – you can't eat these. These are not in any way valuable. So I've just got to like try and swap them for cows yeah that's my best option my best option is to

see if i can trick some kids to give him the cows in exchange for these beads but the thing is the beads genuinely are magic that's yeah well the beads are magic but not a useful kind of magic well yeah i mean i think that would be the problem with any kind of magic is that there's still limitations to it right so like even if you can turn invisible it doesn't make the rest of your life unbelievably good you know there's still just like it's it's just another parameter in in the in the universe so it's like you don't have endless magic where suddenly you can just make gold appear out of anywhere and force people to love you and things like that. It's still just like you just, oh, this is the limited magic of this thing. And also, we don't know what the effects are of having a beanstalk like that.

Right next to your house. Right next to your house. Right next to your house. But also pull all of that because all that matter that goes into the beanstalk comes from the air. It's like it pulls all that carbon dioxide out of the air, right, like to make the plant. So that really quickly changes the composition of the atmosphere around you. What we do know is that beans are a nitrogen-fixing plant, which means that they're good for converting, re-nitrogenizing the soil. So after growing those beans, he's going to be able to grow tomatoes or something like that really successfully in that soil. I mean, that's the one benefit of this magic and I suppose you could probably sell sell these beanstalks maybe as lumber to like you know to at least burning like for firewood or something

like that sure I mean I don't know how it looks after it dries out you know yeah what bean lumber what bean lumber is like as a building material or as a fuel source yeah but just how does it burn you know how does it just even just biomass.

I think that you could burn biomass and when it dries out, maybe you can feed it to cattle. That's probably why he's trying to get a cow. Isn't it? I think also when he trades the beans, the guy he trades the beans to never specifies what kind of magic the beans are.

He literally just says they're magic beans, right? Or what kind of beans yeah he goes like these are magic beans you go like what are we talking like black bean or these kidney or like are these yeah pinto are these uh do you consider the chickpea to be a bean where do you draw the line do you consider the chickpea to be a bean what's that what for you is the difference between a pea and a bean like is it really a bean or is it you just telling me it's just a general legume um anyway is there something in that yeah um what's his deal i'm just like um but yeah but also the fact the coincidence um that it does end up like that in this world that there are just giants that live on clouds that's fucking

crazy yeah i mean that's a few that's a few different little coincidences happen anyway that guy that jack's got a lot of luck yeah i mean it it um i mean we don't know that those things are unrelated right like a lot of the time you look at things in nature and you think wow what are the chances that this and this but we don't know that there isn't some sort of symbiotic or evolutionary history that explains the fact that being magic beans are real and grow really big and giants live in the sky those yeah yeah i guess you know be connected they could be connected yeah well maybe maybe the giants you know kind of like tigers were just wiped off of the earth because they were too big of a threat you know they get end up in villages and they start fucking eating people and shit like that especially if they love grinding up

people's bones and making bread you go there's other i mean it's supposed to i mean i love that they're taking advantage of every part of the human i mean although they might every part of the englishman right yeah i mean but you know although he might be discarding all the flesh and stuff like that and he's just like i just want those bones um does seem like a laborious process of having to dry out bones so that this can be turned to flour but i do love i love the idea i do love the idea of a bone bread yeah i mean i you know would be dense i picture picture it'd be dense and gritty i'll be a heavy bread yeah you think it'd be gritty yeah i mean i guess it depends how good your mill is, your bone mill. Yeah. But anyway, so then they've climbed these beanstalks to go up onto clouds

and they've realized they can go up there and not be murdered by lots of people. Because did he die? Oh, no, he just died when he fell from the beanstalk after he cut it down. Yeah. Well, we don't even know if he died. We just know that he... I down. Yeah. Well, we don't even know if he died. We just know that he... I think he fell. I think he might have left a huge hole in the ground

or maybe that was just in the cartoon that I saw. Maybe he was a corpse and then lying there on the ground and then all the villagers could kind of crawl all over him and eat his flesh. I don't think it's cannibalism if you eat a giant. If it's a giant, yeah. I think if somebody's over 6'6", then you can eat their flesh and it's not cannibalism. Yeah. Plus, a lot of biologists,

they can't agree on what a species is. Yeah, there are no clear lines in the sand in that regard. unless a giant has fallen there and then you just see their outline sure um yeah right well i've written all this down some aspects of it um also just before while we're talking about football this is this is nothing really but i pictured imagine it's a football game, but it's done where the midpoint of the field is the top of a sand dune. Right? And then either side is just falling away like that.

And so, I just think that that would really change the sport for a bit. And so I just think that that would really change the sport for a bit. Oh, I mean, not just the hill element, but the sand element would be incredible. I think that's such a great idea. I think FIFA should, you know, like in tennis. Oh, you're picturing soccer. I was picturing like rugby or something like that. Oh, right. Yeah.

But I think that's the only reason. Yeah, go ahead. Hit me. No, I was just saying, you know, I like how in tennis they play on different surfaces and I think they should bring that into the football world and maybe different leagues or different countries play on different surfaces.

And, you know, so obviously, you know, some are played on gravel, which should just be horrible. But, you know, the ones that are played on sand or mud, I'm really intrigued by i do love love the idea of a soccer field like that that is on a field that can that is like that tilts that constantly kind of rotates its tilt oh yeah like you know it could it could be relatively slowly but like it just kind of constantly shifts its tilt. Randomly. One team always kind of has an advantage in terms of like the tilt is towards you,

but it doesn't last very long. Or what about this? The audience, they introduce a new thing where there's like, there's one guy who's called the king of football. He sits in a big chair and he's got a lever and the audience shouts, tilt the field, tilt the field. And when they shout loud enough, he'll push the lever and tilt the field. Oh, that's good. So then the audience becomes a player in the game.

Exactly. Yeah. And everyone's so excited, they cheer whenever he tilts it and all the players fall over and start sliding down. And he has an earthquake button that just makes it shake really violently. Yeah. And then the king stands up and puts his hands in the air and everyone cheers for the king. They don't even notice the players, really. Yeah. They just get so excited when he tilts the field. Sometimes you can make it just go up and down very fast. So they all kind of get airborne momentarily.

Jiggle. No, no, no, not jiggle. Like they get launched. Like, it's almost like, you know, a small catapult kind of effect. Like, it just kind of, it just pushes up and then comes down. Yeah, no, I understand. I understand. It's sort of like you might do with onions if you're frying onions.

I guess so. Yeah, sauté. I guess so. The sauté rule in football soccer has a lever all right andy we have five sketches sketch ideas yes we do andy and we got it says here 56 minutes but we're down to 39 it feels like we're you know it feels like we're losing energy fast anyway uh now and, we've got listeners, and some of them can give us three words from a listener

by subscribing to our Patreon. And one person who has done this is a person known as Stuart McCone. Stu. Stu-Mac. Yeah, Stu-Mac. mccone stew stew mac um yeah stew mac and uh stew you might know as uh as the contender um you know he's he's pushing yeah he's uh you know he would love to be on this show and he's gonna be one day i've got you know even even some of his um uh some of his colleagues from his podcast have been trying to convince me to let them on first just as a real burn to Stu. That's really exciting.

I love that idea. The podcast is Pointless Reinvention.vention yeah very funny podcast yeah but um here we are you know and and if they they what what they don't realize is that it's our inability to organize anything them anything so anyway, stews, that's some backstory on this listener. So now, here we are to the words. Andy, do you want to try to guess the first word? Yeah, okay. So the first word is pebble. No, Andy, no.

The first word is evasive. Okay, second word is lance. Oh, Andy, you got the first two letters right. But it's lady. Unfortunately, it wasn't a two-letter word. Evasive lady. Evasive lady. And you're never going to guess this last word.

Is it Venus flytrap? All hyphenated? No, it's Andy. Evasive lady andy yeah you know for some reason i'm picturing you and like this is not the sketch but for some reason it makes me picture you in a dress in the middle of like a coliseum type field or like a kind of thing and there's people riding motorcycles at you and you're trying to avoid them like like a like a matador.

There could be sort of like a, like, is it a bullfighting? Motorbike rider fighting. Sure. And I'm ducking and weaving there in my ball gown. Yeah, that's right. And you wear a ball gown. And I mean, this is entertaining because then you're and maybe and you're not allowed to use swords like they do in the matador stuff but you can use bludgeon weapon bludgeoning weapons yeah no that is that is fun what is is

there anything problematic about the fact that i'm dressed as a lady here while these people sort of drive at me with their motorbikes? Well, they can be dressed in dresses as well. I don't see clothes as being sort of – as being really all that gendered. I don't think – Okay, great. They're also in dresses. That's good. And also, the people can be women.

You're just picturing men riding those motorbikes, aren't you, Andy? Yeah, that's true. God, Andy. Andy, you're just really letting all your biases show right on the air. People are going to trawl through this when you run for politics one day. I was thinking about that this morning. I assumed everybody riding the motorbikes that were trying to run him over in this Matador style thing. We're men.

Gosh. That's the secret. That's the secret to saying prejudiced things. You have to make them so complicated to explain the context of that I could never be taken down in a tweet. There's so much backstory to that, that I'll actually be able to get off scot-free. Yeah. Or the lady version of scot-free.

Yeah, you'll be able to get off without a scot or the female version of a person called scot. Now, just saying the word ball gown earlier made me think of a podcast that we did probably 110 episodes ago where we were talking about uh a little dress for your testicles a little dress for your testicles and i realized that at the time obviously we should have called that a ball gown and we never did so i'd like to apologize and i'd like to correct the permanent record with this thing where where it's a little dress for your testicles? Yes, we did.

Yes, we did. Because, I mean, it does feel perfect, like even if it's just a kilt for your testicles. That's exactly what we came up with, Alistair. Yeah. That's amazing. It's got to be called a ball gown. And we were talking about whether or not it goes all the way down to the ground or just as far as it needs to go.

You know, additionally, it could have a little slit up the side to sort of reveal cheekily the side ball, a bit of side ball. Yeah, a little bit of skin can poke through or like a little, just some hair. Yeah. Oh, I wonder what's in there. I mean, that's beautiful. Yeah.

I guess you could have a two piece so that there's also something to cover the penis in some way I suppose or it could just have like a little a little bra that can go on the shaft to support it kind of like a bikini top I think it would need to be something

that just sits over the head of the penis a corset for the penis. Oh, okay. That kind of stretches it out and makes it look thinner. Makes it look thinner but longer. I'm just going to write... I know this is nothing, but I'm going to write down motorbike matador. Yeah, no, of course.

I think that's something. I don't think I would stand a chance if they were dirt bikes, but if they were those sort of big touring, like, you know, those huge BMW ones that are like as wide as a car. Well, there'll be lots of different types. Oh, yeah. The thing is, is that they can go really fast yeah i know but they're not going to be as maneuverable so i'm going to be able

to get out of their way i think yeah but think about like a motorbike going like 150 kilometers well they're not going to be able to do that in the arena are they why not because they'll crash in on the other side they don't have the space that's a small price to pay okay they're willing to do it kamikaze star and so now are we just going to write down ball gown as well even just to add look let's write it down because we had a good time with it yeah i'll just write down ball gown and penis corset. Great. A penis corset. A penis corset is by itself a funny idea. You know, you're there on your wedding night. Your best man is tightening up your penis corset, yanking the strands on the penis corset. You're gasping.

Yeah. on the penis corset you're lacing it up gasping yeah lacing it up like your first pair of jordan air jordan airs jordan air jordan air oh who wants to be a jordan air it's air jordans that's what it is. Jordan Air. Jordan Air sounds like that Canadian fuck. It's just Jordan Peterson. Sorry. Don't forget it. Michael Jordan Peterson. No.

No. I mean, no, I take it back. After we had Charlton Heston Blumenthal, Michael Jordan Peterson is a very funny idea. Michael Air Jordan Peterson. Air Jordan Peterson. Okay. Alistair, take us through the sketches that we've done so far. All right.

We've got the mom and pop airport. Yes. Then we got the airport security puts on gloves and takes you to the back room and makes you a submarine sandwich and then and then fists you while you eat it because i mean that's what they imply right with those gloves things that i'm gonna have my full hand inside your anus not like i'm gonna put one finger in but they probably just put one finger in. But they probably just put one finger in, don't they? They definitely end up putting the whole hand in there. Yeah. John Henry of airport

cavity searches. Then we got the real fans visualizing matches sitting with Quaker-style silence. God, that's a great sketch idea. I should have written down your one where two people talk normally and then they go through the long process of making a cup of tea. Yes, you should have written that down.

All right. Okay, wait. I'll just write it down now. Two, I'll put it right after two. Two people talk normal. Thank you for including the detail that they talk normal. Then go through. Oh, I mean, look, just listening to you go through the long process of writing this down

has made me start to doubt that people will have the patience to watch this sketch because I do not have the patience to listen to you. Oh, God. I'm going to have the patience to watch this sketch because I do not have the patience to listen to you. Oh, God. I'm going to kill myself. Guy who sells magic beans in exchange for cow. What's his deal? And we kind of go into a lot of that stuff that we were talking about. I think you should talk about that on stage.

I think that's funny. I mean, I realize that deconstructing fairy tales is not exactly, you know, groundbreaking. But I think it's funny. Yeah, I'm with you. Then we got Tilt the Field. That's the people yelling that. Soccer King has a lever. That's the Tilt the Field.

Soccer King has a lever. It's a controversial new rule that FIFA has introduced. But everybody loves it. introduced but everybody loves it oh everybody loves it and the audience is it now it gets to play a part then we got motorbike matador in dresses and then we got ball gown and penis corset his corset. So, do you do

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you do you do you do you do you do you do you for listening to in the think tank we like that you did that to us and of and it and two and um you know you can find us in all the usual places i'm at stupid old andy he's at alistair tb we are at two in tank gosh we're active on that uh that account at the moment um you can support us on patreon we've had some people join the discord recently it's a good place to be we have sporadic chats it's nice oh yeah and then but also there's a lot of to be. We have sporadic chats. It's nice. Oh, yeah. But also, there's a lot of whale stuff. If you love whales, you're being silly by not being in there. Yes. And by Gustav and Henry from an independent big W near you.

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