Two In The Think Tank - 336 - "GRUNTING OUT A LASAGNE"

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

Sketches TBCPlease purchase Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereSentient, self aware thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. And that is just a sample of the kind of foundation shattering experience that if you're a member of the musical community,

you will have when you listen to Andy and Al revolutionize music, our Patreon only exclusive episodes. Oh, that's right. We're three episodes deep and we are two people who don't know much about music are attempting to revolutionize it from the inside. Not like standing above it and then just turning it with their hand. No, no, no, no, no. But it's like any revolution, Alistair.

Yeah. It's not the elites who lead it. No. You know, it's the downtrodden. That's right. Well, it's because the elites, they benefit from the status quo. Exactly. Particularly the members of the band status quo.

Yeah, that's right. They benefit from being in a band called themselves. who they benefit from being in a band called themselves. But yeah, we're writing music on that podcast. And as people who listen to the regular podcast, people who listen to the regular podcast, you'll no doubt, after 337 episodes, craving a place where we can do that exclusively,

do what we do so well. I mean, we're writing music in the same way that we are writing sketches in this show. Well, almost, Alistair, although on our most recent episode, I had actually written some lyrics in advance. And I forgot that I was at the time, because you had done that, I had to make it seem like I had prepared something. I did notice that.

That was how you were playing it. I did have to, in order to not let my lie shine through, I did have to improvise very convincingly like i was reading off a sheet i had to add that level yeah that level to it i mean it's an it's a it's a it's a brave thing to do to tell the audience i'm prepared for this yeah i've i've i've worked up to this this is what i'm capable of when i've been working in advance yeah well um i know but but i that's why i've made my life you know a series of sort of shit pieces of work and after shit pieces of work that way i'm always ready for that scenario where i can just make something

equally as good in the moment now alistair at the moment i mean we're we're living our best comedy lifestyles at the moment right i'm writing full-time jokes for a thing yeah you are touring on on the road as a road comedian on the comedy full-time comedy festival road show i have i have i've been to i've done two gigs i've been done one in horsham which is really great because it was like 450 people. And I did Colac. I'm doing them in regional Victoria for the next week. And yeah, it's a real tough gig, you know, being away from the family and having to sleep really well. Being forced to sleep. Yeah.

They make you on this thing. It's actually a very militant kind of organization, the comedy festival. They're like, you better sleep all night. Well, it's implied. They never say it. But they said, don't let any small kids wake you up throughout the night. And so I've had to stick to that. I just turned on the light.

I'm in a motel right now. I just turned on a motel light and how'd it go yeah it's really bright i think they're kind of like down lights but they're put into fixtures it's crazy down lights put into fixtures you know what i mean like into like a thing that sticks out like it's like it's still shining down but most lights kind of do. Yeah, I agree. I think most lights are probably down lights. And then some people came along and started calling their lights down lights and it forced the rest of the industry. Everyone else just accepted that, you know.

Well, they framed the debate so well, you know. They named their product as down lights and then suddenly everyone was like, oh, what are we then? Yeah, well, I guess we'll be all omni omnidirectional lights but really the original downlights are stars right yeah and and the sun well yeah but i i just yeah and i guess the sun is a star but i um but i guess it's it's you know it's because of the s at the end of downlights that excluded me from just saying the sun sure sure of course that little thing about other sun is a star it's one of the best things to get people on oh you know the little

what's the closest star to the earth and they're like oh uh proxima centauri and you're like you idiot you fuck you little piece of shit You don't deserve to live. How do you stay alive and dress yourself every day? It's like you get to the gates of heaven, and that's the only question that St. Peter is asking there. Is it St. Peter who's at the gates? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The doorman?

Do you think he has one of those little lanyards and he's quite bulky in the upper body? Why do you picture doorman being bulky in the upper body? He's, I guess, a bouncer in my mind. Oh, you're picturing a bouncer. Well, a doorman and a bouncer, I think, are often quite distinct from each other. Completely different. There's a class difference.

Different evolutionary niches, you know. They've got completely different body types they feast on different types of bugs that you get from different parts of the canopy i think you tend to picture a bouncer being sort of really built up kind of like you know a big guy yeah right yeah it's sort of like you know a kind of a rugby player or like you know like a heavyweight whereas i suppose uh your most of your dorm and you know they probably still have to offer security but they're kind of more of the verbal kind yeah or they're lean like are you allowed to be in here they're lean like a shaolin master sure you know they don't i mean they could be uh like you know, sort of a real world example of Pokemon evolutionary things, you know?

Like, one is, I imagine a doorman evolves into a bouncer. Really? So, I would have put the bouncer below, but I can see in terms of the Pokemon, you would go from, you tend to go from small to big. Yeah, that's all i was thinking but imagine a pokemon that goes from big to small i mean this is you could be revolutionizing uh pokemon with this yeah i mean there's a there's a few mon heads out there right now um moniacs yeah moniacs the pokemoniacs uh who are who are absolutely yelling, yelling at their earpieces, their headphones,

which is difficult to do because, you know, the mouth is sort of like the downlight of the sound world, but it's like more the horizontal light and the horizontal sound. And so to get it around to your your own ear is is hard to get that to yell at your own ear um it's hard but they are doing it they are standing in a corner and allowing it to bounce back or standing in the at the front of a satellite dish you know something like that and really standing in that focal point and letting it all bounce in there so that they can yell at us really is i mean really it's a it's a symbolic way of yelling at us

so that they can tell us well actually there's this one sure um do you think that there's a sketch idea in this i know this is not much but you know well i think a uh basically a a basically a set of headphones, right, that allow you to listen to things, but they also, I guess, have a little microphone that you can yell into to feel like you're interacting or you're having your voice heard. Yeah, and you could just laugh along especially with them. Yeah, that's nice as well.

But then what happens, right? And you could just laugh along especially with them. Yeah, that's nice as well. But then what happens, right? Does your listening commentary track, I guess it is, your audience track, does that then get played back to the people who made the podcast? Does it get sort of processed? Does the energy that's generated by your voice get used to i don't know make some sort of compressed paper firewood so that it's not completely wasted i mean i suppose you could always upload it yourself you know like because i mean people do that on like you know

tick tock and stuff like that where they duet with other people's tick tocks you know and they might even sing along or something like that but to add your own commentary sort of like a director's commentary but a listener's commentary and people can be like like you know you know if you listen to a podcast a couple times you can go oh i love this bit oh yeah and you know a lot of people say that listening to a podcast is like listening to a conversation with friends well this will be like listening to a friend listen to a conversation with friends with their friends yeah with their friends and that's nice too yeah um i don't know if anyone says that about our our podcast particularly because our vibe is so often much more like

that of enemies that's right it's like listening to a couple of enemies there are no there are no podcasts um look there probably are some but a podcast where it's just enemies just enemies chatting right yeah just but good enemies i mean i guess a lot of people in in in in comedy and in tv probably do secretly hate the people that they're forced to work with but this is where we go out and we find people who have a natural hate hateful naturally hateful chemistry and then we i didn't know if two people in this in the australian scene who do a podcast together who are both like who both independently say of the other person i wish i didn't have to do this with this person anymore really yeah i really really want to know i really want to know what that is alistair and i'm gonna make you tell me off the podcast and then when you say it's us i'm gonna feel great yeah well you know it'll be it'll be fun too it's a fun way of revealing it to you, Andy. Yeah, it is.

It's really exciting. But look, look, look. Our idea about Pokemon, doormen evolving into bouncers or possibly the other way around. Is there a little thing in that? Yeah. Is there anything in that at all? It feels like there should be a third evolution. Sure, of course there is.

Yeah, yeah. Of course there should be. Because I'm always disappointed by any Pokemon that only evolve once evolve maybe they evolve into a door in the end oh you think so yeah that could be good yeah let's see i mean a door let's see what what's another thing where you stand in front of a door um a pot plant one of those pot plants or maybe a velvet rope um or maybe that awning that sort of little i mean i guess uh semi-circular awning, that sort of little semicircular awning. I guess you could start originally as a person who is just incidentally blocking like a fire exit.

You're just in the way. Yeah, and then eventually you evolve and then you become the bouncer who then says, you can't stand here, mate. You're blocking a fire exit and then you evolve into then you become the bouncer who then says, you can't stand here, mate. You're blocking the fire. And then you evolve into the doorman. Yeah, that's nice. Perfect. Pokemon rules for door individuals.

Alistair, that's something that we can both be proud of. Oh, yeah. Andy. For a guy who's never seen any Pokemon, I sure do try and make a lot of fucking Pokemon references. Everybody's writing in talking about it.

Andy's making a lot of Pokemon references. You know what I've noticed about some of these sound waves that appear on your Reaper when you're talking? It's another thing that we love to talk about. you know, like appear on your Reaper when you're talking. It's another thing that we love to talk about. I know. But is that when you say things, because there's the symmetry basically,

it always looks like mountains at the end of a lake and you can see the reflection of you know of them in the in the very still lake it's really nice you know what that tells me what that each mountain is a waveform is a potential waveform waiting to be to be played do you want to listen you want to listen to the himalayas i mean the hills are alive with the sound of music well i know but we don't know they could be also playing a podcast. They could be anything. They could be just chatting, podcast style.

Imagine if a planet... Lake Mountain to lake. If planets were a way for the gods to communicate with the living, and they've shaped it, and their message changes over time. But there's just... Well, we did talk on an episode about um because the earth is basically a sort of rotating disc in that way like a like a record and using a big needle in the sky to play the hills and valleys like they are a sound thing yeah and i still think that's pretty exciting you'd need to drain off all the water but you know yeah that we could do that you think so i mean i think we're just doing it naturally

we're going to just make the planet so hot that all the uh water is going to be in the atmosphere soon that's gonna i mean that's what nobody tells you about um these rising sea levels that they're actually going to take care of themselves they're actually eventually going to rise so much that they'll be just in the air. Just in the air, just humidity. So humid. Sure. But then maybe we can all just crawl on the ground like you would in a fire to be under the smoke. Under the humidity?

Yeah, just crawl under the humidity. Don't you think? Like, I mean, there might be a point where it might be more livable just crawling, like commando crawling along the ground. Yeah, there might be a point. That'll be good. That'll be a good few months where there's just that brief sort of plateau in the rolling crises. Yeah. We discovered we could actually get by just fine crawling around on the ground like bugs.

Get by, we mean like not die. It's like if you stay in the shade on the cold concrete, it's actually pretty comfortable or at least not deathly hot. I mean, I didn't say I was thriving. No, but thriving compared to the people who are writhing. I'd rather be not writhing. Rather not be not writhing. If you're not writhing, you're thriving.

That's what I always say. Over here in the shade on the cold concrete. Well, I say cold. It's only relatively cold. This is Andy's. Relative to the concrete out there that's actually boiling, like literally turning to liquid. This is Andy's chronic pain podcast.

If you're not writhing, you're thriving. That's what we say here on Andy's chronic pain podcast. All you've got to do is distract yourself. Now, all right, it sucks when your spine constantly aches, but what about this? What if you pinch your arm? Yes, it's still pain, but it's not your chronic pain, and it takes your mind off of your chronic pain.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you treat that chronic pain like it's a bass note, and then you riff on top of it with a little pain melody what if you get somebody to yell in your ear ah now when somebody's yelling within your ear it's actually very difficult to focus on anything including your own chronic pain yeah it's probably something in that i mean a podcast where it is just somebody sort of basically constantly sort of screaming and yelling in distress and agony. This is the heavy metal of podcasts. Yeah, that's good.

Because it's like, you know, a lot of the time, like, you know, because like if you're trying to think about types of podcasts, you know, a conversational podcast, that's kind of like just pop music. Right? Oh, yeah. One of those like a very well-produced kind of like murder mystery or news. Or even a radio lab. Yeah, radio lab. This is classical music. Somebody has composed this.

You know? lab this is classical music you know somebody has composed this you know uh you know just a you know asmr kind of you know shushery type things well this is down tempo music this is you know this is hawaiian tropical relaxation music yeah this is a new genre we're calling it scream chat yeah and it's it's mostly it's the same sorts of topics but we scream them at you and and we're only adding the chat element just so that you've got more things to scream about oh sure but everything is distressing everything that we hear that distresses us well no i mean that's the thing. It only sounds distressing because we're not familiar with the genre.

Well, at the moment, yeah. The people who are aficionados. I mean, yeah, but I mean the people who are screaming. Everything that they hear. It's a yes and kind of thing, right? Every time you hear them say something, somebody else something you're saying yes that is distressing and and you know what else i i hate what and struggle with ah yes or you know what else is causing me to writhe in absolute agony right now what do you think of satanists alistair

yeah how do you feel about them i mean look i look, I like, I mean, there's this weird like Satanist aspect, which I think is like, it's almost kind of like an atheist sort of anti-religion kind of thing, I think. But then I think there's probably other proper Satanists who believe in like cutting children and things like that and drinking their blood. Oh yeah. So, um, I don't know. I don't know if, I don't know if those ones really do really exist.

Well, my friend, you know, and again, I don't know about the truth of this, but she said that she knew somebody who grew up in a cult where they did that kind of stuff. And so,

yeah. So I don't know enough about, know and look at that that could be all bullshit almost any exciting piece of information is yeah anytime somebody tells you like an interesting fact about us like a family that once owned a snake or you know somebody who bought this this strange thing, bought like a weird animal off the internet or a sculpture or something off the internet that turned out to have something weird in it or whatever. You're like, yeah, well, I mean, that's a great thing that didn't happen. Yeah. Yeah.

Because even like. Let's have a show. Let's have a show called Made have a have a show called made up stories yeah right hang on i've got to work out what the concept is a little bit more right but but it's i guess it's like spooky scary freaky story kind of stuff but the whole point is that these things didn't happen i think you're coming up with you've just come up with the idea of fiction no i know i know alistair but a lot of the time with fiction they don't tell you they don't they don't spend much time hammering home the point

that it didn't happen right and so we basically we we we front load every sentence with, you know, something like, and it never actually occurred that X. And what she couldn't believe and wouldn't have been expected to because we're just making this up was that, you know, that kind of thing. Because she's not real. She's not real. she's not real she's not real she's not real yeah so this is you know this is like hamish and andy's true stories popular australian show where people tell crazy interesting stories and then they dramatize them this is that but it's called made up stories well it's essentially like the placebo effect that whole thing where they like they tell you know they realize that even if they tell you that this is a sugar pill um it still works still works you know you're taking it you're taking it for this reason

and then that effect still occurs um you know because i mean it'll almost become a pain in a way to listen to because then you're like well because it is just like listening to fiction but then with the added annoying thing of somebody continuously going this isn't real but I guess the point is that you that still doesn't disrupt the illusion of the whole thing right yeah I mean for me i guess the point is that we wouldn't really make it and it's just a joke but but if we did really make it then maybe that would be the point as well you know it was just just just that you just be like i guess like a sketch idea in some way well no but i mean like it is it's like it's just something where you attempt to you're working as hard as you can to break the uh the illusion the illusion and that you

realize that you can't actually break it because you're still just telling a story and so people just go well then what happens next yeah you keep cutting to shots of the camera crew and the director and the writer and that sort of thing. They're all... I mean, I wonder how dramatic, like what it would be like to make a movie and have the actors, have everybody working as hard as they possibly can like on screen and also in the staging and that sort of thing to make it make it convincing and emotionally real but you can always like but you can always see a camera in shot or you could see a gaffer in the background they're trying to hide behind a bush you know there's there's you you make sure that there's never it's never completely possible to believe it's real yeah well there's the movie

dogville by um lars von trier where it is a real movie but it's all shot on a soundstage with just lines on the ground to make buildings and stuff like that. Oh, shit. And so the whole thing is going like, despite the fact that it doesn't look in any way real, you still believe this thing. Oh, well. Yeah, I guess that then.

We'll just make that. But my version would be a lot more expensive because we'd also have to make everything look real. But if you just make it as a podcast, it's like Dogville but as a podcast. But as a podcast. So you see now, so then he enters a house, but it's not really a house.

It's actually just lines on the soundstage, but actually it's not even that because it's just a bit of talking. I'm just describing it to you. I think that's very funny. You're trying to double break it. I think let's do a, you know, what do you call it, a radio play podcast. Yeah.

But with that device. Andy, I would genuinely like to make a radio play now. Oh, me too. No, right now. Let's start. Right now. I know we're doing something, but. Gavin, we can't buy another Hills Hoist.

Oh, Mom. You know that they are my passion. Well, just take the clothes off the old one. But, Mum, it's not about clothes for me. You know it's the hill's hoist that I like. I like the mechanics of drawing things, but I'm not actually interested in doing any laundry. This is just a pretend sketch sketch this is a radio play neither

of us are actually these characters look this my voice is actually different now let's see how easily my voice changes as well my and mom mom uh those hills hoises but they could be anything it could be lawnmowers or whatever that are my obsession. I'm just using these to try to give the character some kind of obsession, something that you go under, why is he like this? And if this was really happening, you'd be able to see it in front of your eyes. Yes. But notice how it's only a sound in your ears.

Yeah. Anyway. Now, we go back to the place that isn't real again, but we'll re-begin the thing. Now, Mom, kiss me on the lips. Okay. And there we go. Okay.

And there we go So what you can't tell there Is that actually when he said on the lips They meant that they had one of those Couches in the house that looks like Lips So when he said kiss me on the lips He just meant sit down onto those lips And then kiss me on the

On the mouth and face Kiss me on the mouth and face. Kiss me on my mouth. Let me tongue you, mum. The lip bit of my mouth. What a pull back and reveal that would be. You know, I mean, and there are things on the body that you can pull back and reveal. There are. There are.

I mean, there's one main one. Yeah. Yeah. The lips you can pull back and reveal there are there are i mean there's one main one yeah yeah the lips you can pull back and reveal the teeth the pull back and reveal the teeth of course and then i guess you can pull back your eyelids and reveal the entire world i mean would you say that's a real pull back and reveal isn't it waking up would you say a smile is the nicest pullback and reveal well yeah i guess if you've got good teeth yeah right you know but if you've got um if you've got sort of vampire fangs or those teeth that some people have sharpened into points for one reason or another you don't think those are nice you don't like those i can't look i don't think it's even about the pointiness of the teeth for me.

It's just that when I look at them, all I can think about is the grinding away process and what that would feel like to experience. Yeah. grinding, reverberating feeling and the rubbing across nerves and everything that must occur of just grinding away the teeth. It's so visceral just thinking about it right now. It's one of the most awful experiences you can have. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Do you think you could go somewhere to get just your teeth sharpened a little bit? I'm getting a teeth sharpening. It's like getting them whitened. Yeah, I mean, I would like this idea. Like, I mean, you could get them sharpened, but you could get them sharpened by instead of getting them filed away.

I mean, let's say that's the first thing they ask you when you get in there. They go, so you're getting a sharpening. Do you want a filing or do you want some stuff added to them to make them sharper? Sure. Because there's probably just something they could put on the bottom that's essentially like a glue-on blade kind of thing. They could also sharpen them, but not into points in that front direction like that, but just shave a bit off the front, a bit off the back and make them sharper at the you know i'm thinking about you know your front teeth there at the bottom so that you really can chop into things do you think you could just use that that metal rod that people use to sharpen knives

probably yeah probably i guess but if it was like made out of ivory or something like that it feels like it would just be more suited to teeth. I think, you know, maybe you just, when you go into the dentist, if you make the right kind of hand signal or you give them a little wink or whatever like that, maybe they'll probably just sharpen your teeth for you for free. They're not technically supposed to do it. So it's like the cable guy thing where if you slip your cable guy, you know, 50 bucks, he'll give you all the channels for free?

Yeah. Exactly. you know, 50 bucks, he'll give you all the channels for free. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And so, and so then it's like a, you know, this, this, I guess the sketch is, it's a guy who's got, he's just developed an eye twitch and where his, where his eyes go, you know, right, right. Like, like a right, right wink. And then a left, left wink.

And then a right wink. And then it turns out they they're like, oh. It's like this dentist goes like that, and he goes, what? And then he starts going, what? And he goes, well, you just asked for the tooth sharpening. Yeah, I think that's really great. But I think it also, like in all sorts of different scenarios, it keeps happening. So not just at the dentist, but everywhere he he goes people see him doing this special wink and then he gets some really weird treatment that nobody

in their right minds would actually want like you go along to the to the bakery yeah and if you do this week they'll spit into the bag just before they tie it up yeah yeah or when you go to the doctor to get your prostate checked he actually puts a sort of like a teflon coating on the inside of your like rectum so that everything just slides out real easy real easy too easy it's really hard to keep things in yeah let's yeah he goes i thought you wanted the teflon coating you gave me the he gave me the triple wink you gave me the wink you gave me the special wink who is the who is the group of society who's got themselves into this position of power where they want all these

things but they have such a bad idea of what is good yeah that's the question well i don't know but they're probably people with money, because I guess, yeah. I mean, it would just be interesting to know if there are any things that you can get from the dentist. Sort of like secret items on the menu at McDonald's or something. Exactly, yes. There's stuff that you can get that you don't know about. Like, I think I've heard in two separate places now. Well, actually, one from my friend, and one from a maybe a law and order show that

like my friend told me that when they were young they their lung was underdeveloped and so they had to take growth hormones because of it and because of that they got a big dick, right? Because it affects your dick as well. And then I was watching some kind of Law and Order thing, and it was some doctor who had died. It was the person who died. But they were like, oh, he knew. He knew that you can take growth hormones and it will make your dick bigger, right?

Is that why he died? Is that why he was killed? Well, I think – By the small dick industrial complex? No, I think he was involved with lots of women because of his – and it might have just been like sex workers or something like that, and then that got him into trouble. He was in that dark world of – maybe in this world it was dark.

I don't know. Amazing. Because, I mean, there's so many emails that suggest sorts of things that will make your dick bigger. But it's amazing to think that there actually is one. Yeah. And then I go, well, is it possible? Because it feels like it's something that's probably impossible. Sort of like, you know, curing certain ailments.

You go, well, if it was possible, then all these billionaires would cure it, you know, on themselves or whatever, you know? And so, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's true, but, you know, the idea that there is just a thing and that you could just get it from like, I don't know, people who do like, you know, bodybuilding or something like that. But maybe there's negatives to it as well maybe it makes your heart better or something i mean people people who do have different sorts of um pituitary kind of things where like their growth is unconstrained like that they very often end up with like their facial features get much more pronounced and that kind of thing yeah um and but and maybe there's a risk that people will also start getting tested for performance enhancing things in this you know in the sack exactly right yes and then let's say

let's say you have a great experience with a beloved of yours and then they're like oh that was a tremendous experience thank you very much And then you shake hands and stuff. But then, you know, several years later, you get tested by the doping agency. And they actually, you get all those orgasms stripped from your record. That's right, yeah. The orgasms that you've caused for other people.

Because it is kind of every orgasm that you get get you get like a purple heart or something like that but you know i mean it looks like a purple heart it's actually a penis gland or whatever but yeah yeah okay alistair yeah it's so wrong it looks like the purple heart if you're looking from one direction but you turn it around to see it's actually the head of a penis penis panacea um all right having orgasm i'm just gonna write that down having orgasm stripped from you to doping yeah yeah and then i mean i'm not sure how they that would happen um but i guess it would have to be a very real and very official process and um yeah i mean you know i think as automation as automation takes over a lot of you know blue collar jobs a lot of people are going to need to work and we're going to need to just i think regulate more things in order to just keep people employed and busy yeah i mean maybe you

would then have to call up all of your former lovers and inform them right there'd be this kind of process you've got to go through where you ring them one by one and explain to them that those uh pleasurable experiences that they experienced weren't um were achieved under false pretenses and weren't actually real some kind of register you reckon some kind of like yeah like it could be like sex succeeders register you know because he's like you know i suppose maybe maybe or fraud there could be fraud yeah yeah um it could you know it could also be that there could be like a national scoreboard where every time you help somebody else achieve an orgasm,

you get some points on the board. Oh, that's nice. And then you're able to sort of redeem them for discounts at different shops. Well, I mean, I think there'll be social benefits because, you know, when you start dating somebody, they'll look up to see, you know, if you've got any, you know, what your score is and things like that. It'll be like, you know, when you decide to put your kid into school and you look at how they do on testing and things like that. What about that, like, though it is a bit, you know, it's like sort of being a war veteran or something. So, like, when you are about to fly on an aeroplane, they let you board first and all the passengers have to applaud or something like that.

Yeah, that's right. Maybe the captain comes on and makes an announcement and says, you know, and a special welcome to all our, you know, our... I mean, it would make you applaud. I think it would give the elderly another reason to be respected now. I think since they're no longer the sort of... People don't go to them so much for all their knowledge since we've had the ability to write down the written word and kind of the internet and stuff like that.

People don't go to them as much for like survival tips and which plants don't kill internet and stuff like that yeah people don't go to them as much for like survival tips and you know which plants or you know don't kill you and things like that um now we could do that so we just have another reason to applaud them yeah it's kind of the opposite of um slut shaming i guess right yeah i mean it's slut applauding slut plotting um i did try to like um try to uh listen to that new norm mcdonald special that's on netflix the one that he recorded right before going into some cancer treatment but it's like recorded as like a zoom gig and he does have essentially a kind of slut applauding thing in it but then very early on in the special, he mentions something about trans people. And I go, I went, oh, God.

And so then I just couldn't keep watching it. It was just so fucking lame. Yeah, that's a real shame. It's like a brain problem that old comedians get. They go, oh, you don't mind, mind me i used to call a fella a fella and you go oh my god how like how basic surface stuff can you get in terms of like in time you know it's like oh a little a little note you know it's like just imagine that especially in the like in your last special like you know it's your last special and you go on my way out i just thought i should let everybody know i'm a fucking dumbass like i don't have any original thoughts at all

like you know like what a what a shit little thing to like to put in there anyway um yeah i mean it actually makes me miss him less sorry yeah i mean maybe that's the gift he wanted to give everybody that's right yeah that's oh gosh he was to give everybody. Oh, that's right, yeah. Oh, gosh, he was good. I always heard he was very kind and I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was, you know, he just wanted to make it a little easier on us. Yeah, it was very nice. I mean, I hate to think what must be wrong with Ricky Gervais, what terrible disease he must have if he's trying to do this for us.

Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe they are just trying to whittle down their audiences or something like that. Yeah, I can understand, as a comedian, feeling compelled to joke about something that you're told you're not allowed to joke about. But I can also, I can't really understand, then using that compulsion to make the shittiest, most obvious jokes. Well, yeah, I mean, like, I have no problem.

It's like, if you want to talk about trans things, like, if you want to punch down, right, you've got to have something interesting to add to it. Like, everybody knows the bit where you go but don't but normally guys have penises and normally women have vaginas and you go well yeah yeah we all know that bit that's what finding out what trans people are like um but you didn't you didn't add anything anyway yeah your um your voice has gone really fucked up and robotic in my my ear holes so do you mind if i call you back i mean i would love are you gonna like we have to decide who talks throughout this bit now um you keep talking okay i will keep talking see you later andy so i am now gonna talk

and i'm looking over these um this sheet of uh of sketches and it and it seems like we have at least five on there these sketch ideas so we could go to three words from a listener yeah that sounds great you're still robotic but i'm going to push through yeah you're still a tiny little bit robotic but i mean you know this is what happens when you're on tour in the into these country towns you know i, although it could be you. And when I'm using somebody else's headphones for the first time. Sure. But I guess if I'm hearing it, then it's probably not the headphones as well.

I'm hearing you distort a tiny bit. But also, Brunswick sometimes does have these little patches of holes where there's not good network as well, which is stupid. That's where you are. I'm in Hamilton, victoria ah hamilton i'm going to all the like i mean i i guess when i think of hamilton i think of um i think of new zealand but uh and then i'm going to portland tomorrow when i hear hamilton i think of that um that musical we see all the we will rock you the infotainment one once upon a time in 1984 there's a guy there who didn't like doors oh he blew that one off the

hinges and everybody around him their faces they cringes. Yeah, that's it. It sounds like a play where somebody would be called Nathaniel. I don't know if I'm speaking out of sorts there, but if for some reason Hamilton sounds like there's going to be at least one character in there called Nathaniel. Yeah. All right. I mean, that's such a savage burn

can't see lin manuel coming back from that no absolutely oh he'll be biting both sides of his lip for that on that one um you probably don't have a clue what i'm talking about with that um do you know about that lin-manuel look no where he like he he like sort of bites down on half of his lip and so the other one's kind of the other half is kind of sticking out sort of it's known as this lin-manuel look anyway is it a bit sexy is it a bit sexy is it supposed to be i don't know if it's supposed to be sexy but he does it in photographs i mean you know we never know what emotion you're trying to get from people exactly but um yeah i think it's great that people are still coming up with new things to do with their faces and new expressions you know like like the sparrow face and the duck face and that kind of thing i think it's exciting when there's a new thing is there the sparrow face and the duck face and that kind of thing. I think it's exciting when there's a new thing.

Is there a sparrow face? Yeah, for a while there was a sparrow face, which was sort of a bit duck facey, but more like... Thin. Yeah, more emaciated kind of, more in. Yeah, more in, more pouty, if possible, I think. More pouty? Yeah, or maybe not pouty, but more like a bum face kind of thing. Or maybe like a cat's anus kind of thing.

Yeah, that kind of thing, I think. Anyway, words from a listener. I don't know if you know this, Andy, but we have listeners, and sometimes those listeners can send in words if they give us $3 a month, and then we read out those words. Or Andy, you try and guess them. And then I'll tell you if you're correct. And I think that these are probably the first set of words that we've ever had from this

listener. And I believe this listener has been a listener for a long time and recently joined up with the Patreon. And it's Adrian Lewis. Adrian. Adrian Lewis. Who has definitely interacted with us on Twitter a bunch over the years. So, Adrian Lewis, thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Welcome. Now, would you like to guess what Adrian Lewis's words are, Andy? Yeah, first word is nasturtium. Ooh, you definitely got some of the right letters in there. But it starts with a vowel instead, and it's animatronic. Okay. That's a great first word.

Okay. Animatronic. Is the second word noodle? Very close, Andy. It's lasagna. Wow. Oh, my God. I'll take that. I'll take that i'll take that yeah you're gonna count that as a win sure sure animatronic lasagna crab animatronic lasagna crab no andy no no no no no

although there's a word in there and there's a bit of the word that is a little bit like pincer. Okay. It's dispenser. Animatronic lasagna dispenser. You know what? The first thing I picture is this machine. It's a really quite, you know, it's quite a normal, maybe slightly humanoid machine in that it has arms.

So it's a normal machine. And maybe some little faces. And what it is, is it's like a vending machine. And as you might guess from the words, it dispenses lasagna. Okay. And the only thing that is maybe a little bit comical, these are really good lasagnas, by the way. These are fantastic lasagnas. Which bit of the robot does it come out of?

If it's animatronic and... Out of the middle of the chest. Now, when you say animatronic, are you saying this and it's a humanoid one? So you're saying that humans are animals in this? Yeah, that's right. That's my central premise. Okay, sorry. Which bit does the lasagna come out of?

Just a little door slides open in the middle of its chest, right? Okay, so at the top of the chest, okay. Yeah, no, sort of the middle. Middle of the chest, okay, so like where the sternum would be. Alistair, you're exactly right. Yeah, okay. It's good to paint this picture for the listeners. And what then happens, the only thing that's sort of a bit

unusual or what you might say is a little bit comical about this whole scenario is that the the robot before it dispenses the lasagna it closes its eyes and makes a really loud and quite painful sounding straining noise. Right? Yeah. But that's just the sound of it sort of extracting sort of the atoms out of the air and reforming them into lasagna, like essentially fusing them together to make lasagna. Totally.

Totally. Totally. But, and, you know, it's a great lasagna. It's the best lasagna you'll ever, ever, ever taste. But you can't shake the idea that this lasagna has been shitted out. Shitted out of its chest. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's good. I mean, I like that.

I think it's funny that the designers would build that into the machine. Yeah. That thing. Well, sometimes it's, you know, sometimes it's all you can do without having to like have a robot that you have to constantly be refilling with ingredients you just need something that can like you know pull atoms out me is that like once we like once we the next step after getting fusion power like nuclear fusion power is that we will get nuclear fusion power that can create the kinds of atoms that we want. Yeah, it's very interesting.

I mean, that feels like a much, much, much, much, like exponentially more complicated challenge. Oh, of course. Than doing it. But I mean, it's an exciting prospect. Because like... Once you're doing that that you just have basically unlimited free energy and then you've just got to find a way to condense that energy into the

types of matter that you want yeah and not have any of it be insanely radioactive which yeah if you didn't get it exactly right i'm sure it would be oh because that's right because you can still have like a radioactive like hydrogen and stuff like that, right? Yeah, man. Deuterium, is that what it is? Deuterium. Deuterium. And did you know that water made with deuterium atoms instead of hydrogen is called?

Heavy water, Alistair. It's called heavy water. It's heavy water alice it's called heavy water it's heavy water and i think something that's different about it is that when it freezes it doesn't become lighter than water it doesn't expand it doesn't expand in the same way and so it falls down right and you know that why that would be bad if um if water did that because that every time it froze every time there was a cold day the ice would sink to the bottom of the ocean would kill all the life forms all the life forms on the sea floor or the the bottom of the lake yeah etc but as it is the frozen ice on the surface of the lake actually has an insulating

effect keeping the life forms underwater allowing us to all thrive under there isn't this great i love this idea of a show it's an informative podcast where it's just two people telling each other things they already know. Talking over the top of each other. Basically competing to finish the sentence. But the world I'm trying to paint is that all of us could now, because of this, live under the ice with Wim Hof. We could. because of this live under the ice with wim hof you know we could a wim hof like like wim hof's atlantis i feel like this is where wim hof is going right because not a lot of lead us all into the sea and start a new a new civilization to the arctic sea you know that's where under you know under the water of the arctic sea i know that's where we'll be safe under the arctic sea under the arctic sea you know instead of like a

little kind of tropical crab it's one of those like you know big deep sea arctic crabs like they pick in the world's greatest catch or whatever in that Canadian reality show. It's those big giant lobstery things, you know? Yeah, another one. Yeah, so you won't speak with a Jamaican accent, but kind of maybe a Canadian or Alaskan accent. Yeah, I mean to keep the cultural appropriation element, maybe an Inuit. Yeah, that's great.

We could do that too. Oh yeah, I guess there are Inuit accents and stuff like that I forgot about that um I do like I mean I don't know whether I've only heard the the stereotypical um Native American accent or whether that you know but I really like it that's one of my favorite accents. I absolutely love it. Andy. You're absolutely right. Are you disappointed? When you were talking about Pokemon, I was thinking about Pocahontas. Pocahontas mod. Maybe if we could make some sort of Pokemon version of Pocahontas called Pocahon.

That's all I've got so far. I'll keep working on it. I reckon it's going be really good yeah and really tasteful whatever it is it's gonna be something it's amazing you wouldn't think it but it's gonna actually gonna really bring people together that's the way in which they all agree that it's it's it's amazing how okay it is it's actually in their in their ability to take this thing down and you down it's's actually brought people who love Pokemon, people who have respect for First Nations people.

It's actually going to be universally beloved. The fact that it's threaded such a difficult needle is going to be just another way, a reason for people to think it's even better. Okay, well, that's great the most offensive thing has brought everybody together in how much they love it oh it's not offensive okay it's not offensive that's what's so good about it yeah yeah i love that it's so good yeah i can't wait for you to make it could you read read a segment from it on the next episode yeah

i'll write something okay great and just out curiosity, before we wrap up the show, before I read out the list of sketches, is it P-O-K-E-H-O-N-T-U-S? I think it was Pocahon. Oh, Pocahon. Yeah, I guess I think you're right. I think it does need to be p-o-k-e h-o-n and the h-o-n is in the font of um mon in pokemon and then

tas is just i guess in like plain helvetica font like it's just been added on okay well if the if the font the graphic design of this is any guide to go through i think the rest of it is going to be fantastic so i look forward to that reading in episode 337 is this this is 336 is it not i thought this was 337 okay well you could be right i apologize um all right let's take you through the sketch ideas. We got the podcast listeners, Mike, for laughing along and commenting. And then you can upload your own podcast. That's a strong start that everybody's going to feel great about. Yeah.

Evolution of doorman Pokemon. You know, from the person who incidentally stands in the doorway to the bouncer to the doorman. Then we got Scream Chat, which is the heavy metal of podcasts. All these are very strong, Andy. We got Made Up Stories. Any episode where we come up with podcast-based ideas, you can tell

we're feeling extremely creative. Oh, well, hang on, Andy. What about this? We came up with a new type of fiction called Made Up Stories, where fiction where you constantly tell the audience it isn't real. Dogville, but in a podcast. And then we've got Tooth Sharpening. I mean, I come up with a new kind of podcast.

It's a podcast where you're constantly reminded that you're listening to a podcast because the people doing the podcast only are able to come up with ideas for podcasts. We got Tooth Sharpeningening it's just a new thing it's a sketch then we have having strips from is this the worst episode i think andy we're up there this is in a long time this could be one of the worst episodes it's great probably in the last hundred yeah this could be the one of the worst um this is i having i didn't even write the word right word having orgasms stripped from you due to doping yeah i mean at least there's something funny about that yeah i mean it's and then there's also just the national

scoreboard for orgasms you know which i think is great be cool because then you could put you know you have to put medical devices inside of everybody to track how many orgasms they have i think you could have it as an honesty system no no no no i think that the government needs to be in our bodies but then also then they'd be tracking like how often you it's like they're like there was nobody near you and you were orgasming a lot that day. I mean, we talk a lot about – on the pod about like universal basic income sorts of ideas. uh a year and um you are able to get them um delivered you know by i guess quite a sort of a boring looking government official who shows up at your house and gives you one you know unit of sexual pleasure yeah sure um i think that that's cool you could also do it

through the through the signal in the device maybe. Like it can just like release the signal that tells your body to just go like that. And you could save up a year's worth for like New Year's Eve. I'm going to have a big one like that. And you just have like – Have a real blowout. You just have like – you have 64 orgasms at once. I'm having my whole year like that.

And then imagine that. You'd just be like, oh, I'm turning inside out. You're binging. Yeah. I'm absolutely splitting open. I reckon it would be too intense if you had three orgasms at the same time. I reckon I would be getting close to like, this is starting to hurt. Yeah.

Yeah, it'd suck. But how good is that? I mean, there must just be something in the muscle gene that makes some muscle contractions feel good, right? I mean, you could just turn that gene on and everything. So, then picking up a cup would just be like, fuck. on and everything. So they've been picking up a cup would just be like, fuck. I think

he might have got it all arsed about, Alistair. I don't know if it's the contracting of the muscle that feels good. No? I think it's the feeling good that causes the contracting of the muscle. I'm not sure. I just assume it's got something to do with the muscles

moving. Well, let's we'll something to do with the muscles moving. Well, we'll get to the bottom of that on our next episode of Come Chat. Alistair and Andy, try to understand, try to orgasm. Try to reach orgasm. And that's us reaching the understanding of how an orgasm works. Well, that's the ultimate bliss, isn't it? Yes. If we really cracked that code.

All right, Alistair. It would be great if you and me, it's a podcast where you and me try to figure out a way of making the other person orgasm without any sex. Nothing sexual. We're touching each other. Yeah. It is good. It is good. It is good. As long as there's still consent involved, I think that's very exciting. We would have to do it.

We have to be able to do it from our own houses to the other person without touching them. And so either through audio or through electrical means. And is this platonic? Does this remain a sort of a... Andy, well... Yes, I'm saying, is this gay in some way? Well, I mean, Andy, I think the only thing that it would have to be, we would have to test.

I mean, I don't see how it could... Does it change? I just want to know, is this going to change our relationship? I don't think so. I think... Oh, that's great. I mean, look, it could, Ed. We don't know.

We don't know for the orgasm. But I think we don't know what it does to the brain. I mean, it could end up ruining everything. But I think... It's going to be really hard. It's hard enough to justify the time away from my family to record this podcast. It's going to be even harder when I have to tell Carly, I'm sorry, my love.

I have to go and try and make Alistair come for an hour. But I think you would get the consent beforehand from your partner, right? But we're saying there's no sex stuff involved, right? Yeah, I understand, but I still think it's no sex stuff involved right yeah i i understand but i still think it's going to be difficult to justify well or i'm going to have to explain it in some way i'm going to have to oh look i'll have a word with her i'll see i'll see what she says look love it probably won't work we don't even know if it's possible. You don't need to worry about it.

Yeah. But I mean, also the fact that you were worried that it was going to be gay, that was a very strange instinct. Well, I mean... Like, does it make you attracted to men or something like that? I don't think that has anything to do with that.'s it's just it's just it's just sex and you know it's just orgasms it's even less it's not sex it's not sex it's just orgasms it's just trying to find another way you know it's like trying to find a um an exploit in the system exactly it's like trying to find a backdoor entry point in order to, you know, cracking a piece of software. Yeah.

So, anyway, I'm glad that we've created this tension between us. I'm feeling some regret that I didn't express myself well when I asked the is this gay question. I'll make it more tense by saying, look, even if it does ruin our relationship, I think it'll be great for our next podcast, which is attempting to fix this relationship. And imagine how difficult it'll be to justify to your partner all this time away, hanging out, doing a podcast with somebody you don't even like anymore. We could be those enemies from Australian podcasting you were talking about. Ah, yes. Well, I still haven't told you if it could be us already. Anyway, we got to wrap up this podcast.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Thank you very much. We like that you listen to our podcast. You're really cool and we love it. Please don't forget to listen to Alistair and Andy Reach Orgasm,

the new podcast that will be coming out soon after we've got permission from our wives. And also the – oh, buy my book, Gustav and Henry with Peter Thomas. Please do. You can get it from Big W. You can get it from Little W. Big W? Yeah, sure. Get it from all the letters that are big and small. You can get it from George W. You can get it. Yeah, sure. Get it from all the letters that are big and small.

You can get it from George W. Bush. George W. George Big W. Bush. Yeah. All right. And yeah. And we love you. You.

Bye. Toodles.