Two In The Think Tank - 337 - "OXYCONTINENTAL BREAKFAST"

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

Down the River, Arm Wrestle, Reverse Mugging, Meth Kitchenette, MLMethamphetamine, Oxy, Dad's Guild, Laundearing, Cow Pit Lick MeatPlease purchase Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereSparkling spring thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with a number of an idea. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Ritchell. And it's actually, we come up with five sketch ideas. Oh, that's right. Man, I was so confident. I was so confident I actually stopped listening to myself.

Yeah. Because I went into it aware that, like, I fucked this up a couple of times recently, and I thought that the awareness of that would carry me through. And I was like – If anything had blinded you. It's okay, brain. There's no way that my brain would get this wrong.

There's no way that my brain would get this wrong. Given that I'm now aware, it would be so obnoxious to then continue to make the mistake. But, yeah, can't be trusted. Alistair, what do you think of this as a sketch idea? Is it somebody in the middle of a river who, I mean, somebody swims to the middle of a river and there's always somebody underwater who performs sex acts on them. Okay. I was like, you know, I heard you say the word performs and then I was like, I was in the headspace of like, well, it's going to be some sort of a sex act. Normally, of the things that you perform, what is there?

Like there's surgery, there's performances, obviously, and then there's sex acts. But I thought there's no way Alistair would interrupt my sketch idea that I was about to say to start the podcast with a sex act idea yeah but i mean i guess the problem is that there's a current right so then if you do if you do the sex act with a person then you have to accept that you're going to be a number of hundreds of meters down the road maybe even a couple of kilometers maybe you might even go down some rapids well Well, what if that is the sex act? What if the sex act is that you swim out into a river and it's beautiful boulders.

It's a shallow river with beautiful, soft, mossy and round boulders all across the bottom of it. The water moves quite fast. It's quite choppy, and you can just sort of lie there face down while your genitals, whatever they may be, are sort of caressed as you bounce over these rocks. I guess the greatest sexual organ is the mind, and so you can just go into the thing and... Smash your head against the rocks. Well, there's nobody in the water it's just

you masturbating whilst thinking of things as you float down the river so that's the first sketch idea, whacking off in a river. It's like at a very kind of high pace. Yeah, yeah. That's great. And do you try and time it so that you ejaculate at the exact moment that you go over like Niagara Falls or something? Yeah, I mean, I think survival is the game there. I mean, I think survival is the game there.

Has anybody, is there any, you know, I mean, obviously there's genres of pornographic entertainment that involve people making love outdoors, right? Yeah. Some people like that. But is it ever the great outdoors? Are the outdoors, the beauty of the outdoors, is that ever part of the experience and so are there any that you know that feature you know sweeping majestic shots of niagara falls so that you can enjoy that majesty yeah at the same time i think maybe it would all be about

you taking it in not about the the camera. Because if you're, you know, like it's, I think it's really like, you know, let's say you are having sex in the great outdoors or masturbating or whatever. It's about slowing down your breathing and taking in that.

I'm taking in the great outdoors kind of breath where you go. Yeah. Right. You know, that breath. And so it's really like fresh air it goes it goes completely counter to the instincts of the person doing the work to get themselves close to orgasm because the breath gets shorter yeah shallow that's indoor breathing not great outdoor breathing yeah it's really interesting isn't it and so maybe the breath still shortens but it shortens from like from this to that's that's roughly wow that's a cum breath yeah yeah that was even getting really frantic there, I could tell.

So is there a sketch idea in any of this? I mean, I'm just going to write whacking off down river and then. Has any, I mean, it does make me wonder, has anybody ever stood on the top of Niagara Falls or Victoria Falls or whatever those highest ones are in South America? Is it Angel Falls? Maybe. And ejaculated off the top of that. I think that could be good.

I mean, you may as well just like, you know, why not be a base jumper and do it while you're falling? Why not? Yeah. I mean, why not? I mean, there's got to be somebody who's whacked off, like jumping out of a plane or something. I'm so sorry for any new listeners.

Imagine this is the first episode and they go, well, let's see what this is all about. I don't know if i don't know if that would be possible for somebody i don't know if that would be yep well i want to be in free fall i wonder whether in the river whether you know actually you know if you were doing it out of a plane but a plane that was high enough then it probably would restrict the oxygen would it be like like that thing that people do where they choke themselves sure sure that's really interesting is it the is it the is it the

oxygen or the or is it the blood flow that that restricts it and because i guess the the blood is carrying the oxygen yeah i mean i suppose an interesting one of one of the challenges would be that like if you're just choking your head right you're limiting the oxygen to your brain but presumably you know other parts of your body are still able to get the oxygen and get the blood to sort of do the stuff that you need to do to get yourself to where you need to go it'd be terrible if you were doing that and it's like because you know not only you're not getting oxygen to your brain but then also your foot gets a bit tingly or something like that be very distracted take away from the orgasm um but yes as you know as indeed it might be if you were instead i don't know fired into the upper stratosphere where the

lower air pressure yeah you know just there's just less oxygen concentration i think the overall um drop in in your physical performance would yeah would outweigh any of the benefits and i wonder whether if you were going fast enough right and you just got your like what if you took like the opposite of Viagra, a thing that keeps your penis soft, right? And then you were to just whip it out while you're falling without having to touch it with your hands. I reckon it would slap against your body at such a rate like that yeah that that because i've heard i only just heard in the last two weeks that people you know i think people who were who are on certain hormones uh can't get erections but you can still reach an orgasm without that's crazy so you then if you were

if you were doing that whilst falling out of a plane and there was enough vibration, like that, just slapping against your own leg or whatever, your belly, then you wouldn't even have to, you know, your arms would be so strong, I mean, you know, from not being tired. Yeah, it's great. It's really something to think about well i mean think about this all the strength that you instantly get when you don't go to the gym and your arms aren't all tired from going to the gym yeah they don't talk about that, do they? No, because right after going to the gym, you're actually quite a fair bit weaker. Yeah, yeah. In fact, people coming out of the gym are probably the best people to challenge. Yeah, that's right.

Maybe try and mug them or just ask them for an arm fight, you know, an arm fight. An arm battle, yeah, yeah. Just arm on arm. Yeah, where you say, okay, just lay down your arm on this bench, and then you come down with your arm, and you just drop your arm on their arm and crush it. Like that. Yeah, great.

And then they get a turn, but then you say, no, I'm done. I mean, this would be a good scene in a sci-fi, right? Where it's an arm wrestle, right? But what they actually do is they sort of sever the arm, the arms, do is they sort of sever the arm yeah the arms and they attach a little a little sort of mechanism thing just to the stump right at the chopped off arm so it seals it off and there's maybe a couple of beeping lights on there right flashing lights and then they chuck the arms into a sort of a pit like a dog fighting ring yeah and the arms just sort of wrestle each other. Yeah, yeah.

You know, and attack and, you know, launch themselves at each other like snakes. Like a Greco-Roman arm wrestle. Mm, yeah. You just, you pour oil on them and they... Yeah. And they just wrestle. And everyone is gathered around all cheering for their favourite arm. I do like a sci-fi Greco-Roman arm wrestle.

Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, I guess that the little stump thing that you put on there has some sort of little sentient thing that allows the arm to sort of operate independently or maybe you're still controlling it yeah remotely somehow it'll be so different because maybe maybe through that thing that they put at the end of your stump nub i wonder if the best thing to do would actually be to sort of run around on the fingers actually be to sort of run around on the fingers oh yeah and then smack the other um with the arm stump like like uh giraffes neck wrestling or like a scorpion tail or i suppose you could you could crawl it around like a like one of those bendy worms you know and maybe with maybe maybe with the fingers behind it propelling it forward like a

like a like a boat engine you know yeah right helping it squirming along like that because i mean because i guess the feet could i mean the fingers could be at the front pulling it along or they can be at the back propelling the bend you know like i'm gonna put an arm wrestling scene in my sci-fi book i have you got a sci-fi book sci-fi book well you know i started writing a novel well ages ago like over a year ago and i wrote a chapter and a half and then i gave up it's a very good idea. But I'm going to put an arm wrestling scene in. Where the arms themselves wrestle?

Yeah. Yeah. Arm on arm. Arm on arm violence. That way it's a fair fight. Yeah. I think that's really good. I'm going to put an arm wrestling scene in my sci-fi book.

Good. Yeah. Alistair what do you think of this we both wrote sci-fi books but we had to do use the same idea exactly the same all all the chapters are the same you have the same title it has the same story it has the exact same story but then we just write our own versions of the story that would actually be pretty cool you know jewel and jewel and sketches jewel and novels yeah gonna make you read my book tonight i don't know why i would force somebody to read my book. What was your original idea, Andy? This was the idea, right? It's a guy. He's walking down an alleyway, right?

Somebody underwater. A man jumps out, right? Yeah. And he says, give me a knife. And he holds up a wallet at him. Give me your knife. And he's giving it, I guess, threatening him with a wallet or something like that. Don't give me.

Yeah. Don't give me that. He's like, I don't want any trouble. Yeah. Just give me your knife. No, wait. No, no, no no no he goes he goes get your knife out out from you know your ankle you know whatever out from your thing and like that he goes now stick it into my shoulder no no do it now or i'll put this wallet in your pocket well he's shoving note after note

into your sort of chest pocket i guess of your jacket maybe or he's opening the wallet putting money in the wallet like that and then he's threatening to put it in your pocket oh yeah i see what you mean yeah yeah yes um but i was thinking i'm sorry i'm ruining your idea no no no no but i was thinking also i'm trying to dredge this up something about like oh well about how a bank and a gun shop are kind of the opposite of each other, right? Wait, a what and a what? You can take a bank and a gun shop, right? That you can take a gun into a bank and make them give you money,

or you can take money into a gun shop and make them give you a gun. And maybe it would be simpler if... Combine the two. To combine the two in some way. But every time you get money out, you should also get a gun out. Yeah, or you take a, you know, if you could just get the gun people to take their guns into gun shops and use them to get more guns?

No, it doesn't quite work, does it? Or, yeah, I mean, I suppose, you know, basically the exact same sketch of my knife wallet man would be somebody going into a bank with a gun and then getting them to give them money in exchange for the gun or maybe like a burglar, a bank robber who's stupid and doesn't understand the system and they think that they give the gun to the bank teller in exchange for the money maybe.

Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, as in, like, in a bank robbery? In a bank robbery type scenario. You know, maybe there's a really stupid guy at a bank robbery meeting group. They're meeting up to plan the bank robbery. Yeah, yeah.

And then maybe it's just two guys that way you know you got the contrast and you don't have to keep up with what all the characters are up to all the other characters yeah that's great and that way you know we we can be pretty guaranteed of getting cast in one of the main roles you and me yeah that's right because the thing is is that if we put in too many roles in there they could easily try to get get you know something i realized exactly what i said made no sense i mean if there were more roles we'd be even more guaranteed of getting one of the roles i would hope yeah but but if there's less roles do you think we're of getting one of the roles, I would hope. Yeah, but if there's less roles, do you think we're more guaranteed one of the main roles? Oh, it could be.

Because, I mean, is this our show? But there's producers who are pushing for more famous people to be in it. Well, I mean, this has never really been discussed, Alistair, whether or not the show that we're coming up with all these sketches for on 2 and the think tank is a show that has us in it. I mean, the broader reality of the extended think tank universe, we haven't really gone into the world building enough to answer that question.

That's a good point. But anyway, look, there'd be a stupid guy at the the meeting the the bank robbery planning meeting yeah and and he keeps asking questions he's he does he doesn't understand the concept of stealing things and he thinks that the they are exchanging the guns for i mean the money it would be I think, if we actually saw him in action. You know, if maybe the guy at the beginning goes, no, you sure you got this? He goes, yeah, I got it, like that.

And then he gets to the bank and then he goes, here you go, bank teller, one money, please. Let's have your hands over the bill. Alistair, I disagree. I think it's funnier to see people sitting around, possibly at a boardroom table, talking about doing something. Alistair, I disagree. I think it's funnier to see people sitting around, possibly at a boardroom table, talking about doing something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much funnier than actually doing that thing.

I guess then we don't need to film it in a bank or, you know, set up even like a small shot that could look like it could be in a bank, you know, and then we can just shoot all of our boardroom meeting things of course these people have access they they just rent an office you know when they're not robbing banks and we can set it in there in their shared workspace it's a shared workspace but you realize that one of the people you're sharing the workspace with with is a um is a criminal you know what no but i've thought so we've we've got at uh at the corner that is actually that is actually very funny alistair yeah that is a sketch idea yeah a a get a criminal gang

yeah you know who is using one of those very modern, flexible shared working spaces to plan their heists or whatever. Yeah, but I guess they're using the communal whiteboard and stuff like that. But then when people come and look at them, they go, get away from me. You should probably just get your own space. You know, they've got some of their meth cooking equipment

in the kitchenette. I mean, a criminal's shared workspace, right, is quite good. I mean, either one, I guess. It's for criminals. So we set it up and then like multiple gangs and also sole trading criminals, you know, can utilize the space. Exactly. Right? And we have communal meth making.

It doesn't make sense for all the gangs to have their own, you know, economically speaking, to have their own meth kitchen. That's right. Right? So we have a meth kitchenette that everybody can use we have bookable torture rooms right hey what we have bookable bookable torture rooms that's right because especially like owning all that torture equipment yourself it's so many single use things exactly you actually don't torture nearly as much as you think you're going to do yeah and then when you do you actually just you use each bit of torture like one time because you

just want to get through all the different gadgets that you've got yourself for causing pain right find out which ones you prefer and stuff were you yeah were you were you laughing at the phrase meth kitchenette? Because I just said it, but then in retrospect, I think it is funny. Yeah, in retrospect. I know. I thought Andy's so deep in this. He didn't even enjoy this perfect Andy joke that only Andy would make. But, yeah, I don't know what else you could do with that as a concept. Well, I think that was a lot.

I mean, I was thinking about, you know, something that you could do as a piece of art, right? You know, this would be some serious art, is you could get old cigarette advertisements right and just change the product to be meth yeah or maybe heroin yeah right you just so you just change the text and everything else is exactly the same yeah content content all the people who smoke meth, they'll be like, oh, that makes me want some right now. And that'll be funny.

I mean, one of the things about meth is that you really don't have to advertise it, do you? No, you don't have to. I mean, these puppies sell themselves. These puppies, yeah. Well, actually, there's a lot of – it's kind of more like that. to advertise it do you well you don't i mean these puppies sell themselves these puppies yeah well they well actually there's a lot of it's kind of more like that um remember that um that company that sold lula row or lula you know that sold those leggings you know and just like they would just sell it to people who sell leggings in their house lululemon no no that's lululemon is another company that sells leggings but um leggings scam let's let's see what the company was called i'll

just type that oh is there a was it a legging scam well it wasn't it was lularoe but it wasn't it it kind of became a bit scamier but it was basically these really great leggings that over time became less great and that um and that people were kind of having to buy a big amount up front and then sell it themselves from their house and just kind of have like you know anyway i can't because i've spent so long on this i can't remember what we were talking about uh we were talking about drugs oh yeah that's kind of what drugs is is that you just buy some and you have to there's a big expenditure up front but then you get you sell it yourself and so you could be left with all this stock that you don't know what to do with i think that's really funny i think a a selling a highly addictive

enjoyable drug as a multi-level marketing scheme and you're like your family is really worried about you getting into it not because of the drug element but because it's an because it's an mlm and it's exploitative family okay right family concern you know that sounds wait wait so what's the thing well well if i all I need is to sign up three people to sell the meth for me. And then I get to keep some of that profit. And then, whoa, that sounds like a multi-level marketing scheme. I don't think you should get into this. I don't know what point we're making with that sketch.

I think it's... You know how I like to know what point we're making with that sketch. I think it's... You know how I like to know what point we're making. Yes, I know. Well, could we shift this to being in a boardroom? I think that would help me understand the point a bit more. It's just a mis... The word is like... It's not misaligned. It's like misdirected focus.

Yes. Yes. They're missing the point. They're burying the lead or whatever you would say. Well, I mean, they're getting a point. Just the not as important one. Yeah. No, you're right.

I mean, what would advertisements for addictive drugs look like? I mean, I suppose they would look like the advertisements that they have in America for what are essentially addictive drugs, right? Like, did they have advertisements for like, what's that opioid? Was it Xanax? I don't think Xanax is probably a benzo. Oxycontin? Yeah.

Was that the one that the... Oxycontin ads? Oxy... I don't know. Oxycontin. Are you looking it up? Well, yeah, I could. I mean...

Yeah, maybe not i'm not sure oh yeah how about this then you know i think i mean continental breakfast oxy continental breakfast okay i like the name thank you i like the name. Thank you. I like the name. I just, this, the, I guess it's just that it's breakfast that is OxyContin. Is that right? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. We have talked about continental breakfast on the show in the past, haven't we? I think so. I mean, it's hard not to talk about continental breakfast. Yeah.

I'll just write down oxycontinental breakfast yeah i mean that's a breakfast in bed isn't it that's a yeah i mean yeah i feel like it's one of those things that people you know because america's going through an opioid crisis. You could probably easily say, like you could imagine people in the future looking back and so that America is at this kind of like, you know, it's still like despite it feels like maybe it's fallen a little bit. It's kind of, it's still at a very powerful point in the grand scheme and history of the world and history right and so you could picture people a hundred two thousand years from now you know um saying well we found evidence that these people used to have oxycontin for breakfast early in the morning they would take it we found footage that they would take these things in the morning it was likely breakfast

and they would treat it as a superfood from these ancient people who used to take this stuff and they go look it would make them feel invincible and not feel pain anyway this is very funny um but you know people love to love to yeah you've seen this thing about iceberg lettuces being really expensive right now um yeah like 10 bucks for an iceberg lettuce or some shit yeah what's all that about i mean they're i mean they're good i know but why they are good do you think it's it's a tweet is to say if homeowners can't afford the the interest rate hike maybe they should stop buying iceberg lettuces. They shouldn't be spending all their money on iceberg lettuce.

Yeah, I think that could be something. Not quite a joke. Not quite, no. I mean, who would have thought that iceberg lettuce, you know, a lettuce that was neglected for so long, right, in favor of Rocket. You you know it was a very unfashionable lettuce the iceberg lettuce for a long period and despite the fact that like eating eating iceberg lettuce like if you were to pick any of the lettuces to just eat by itself iceberg

lettuce could be a really good time especially once you get down to those inner layers oh yeah um it gets real good down there in the core well yeah indiana said that when she was younger she used to just just sit around just eating iceberg lettuce all the time just like just she just of a night time just finish off an iceberg lettuce. Obviously, those days are behind us. Wow. What are some other things that we could come up with ads for? Yeah. That people, you know, like how there's the egg board, all right?

And they do ads for eggs. They're like, eat an egg. What about we do a series of ads for like call your dad right call your dad it's ads call your dad this is you know and if if i guess if enough dads got together yeah right we could we could form a dad board yeah and we could call your bed call you no call your dad not call your bed god that would be a embarrassing typo by the board of dads yeah we'd be really careful not to let that kind of thing slip through at least not make it all the way to air but you know that we would then have all this money that we get from you know dads

who subscribe and who are interested in dad issues and we, the Dad's Guild. And we'd use some of that money to – This is from the Dad's Guild. The Dad's Guild. This was paid for by the Dad's Guild. And, I mean, dads – I guess dads have a lot of things that they'd like to communicate to people. And we sort of – as dads, we do or less on a on a one-on-one kind of a basis of like telling our kids individually over and over again things about you know putting on your shoes and

that kind of stuff yeah but if we could get together and form a union, you know, and have our powers combined. We could really have some sway. Get people to call their dads. Call your dad. Alistair, I'm sorry. No, no, no. I mean. No, I take it back.

I take it back. Why? I like the thing about call your dads. Okay, great. Instead of just talking about sway and things like that, I think you got distracted from the point. Andy, it used to be all about calling the dads. Dads desperate for people to call them.

Yeah. And then you were like, oh, pooling their resources. And then I was trying to talk about how the guild's going to work. Well, they could work this out in a boardroom i was thinking andy you know what actually while you were talking and so maybe there was some good stuff in there i started thinking about you know if dads did pool their resources they could maybe because you know like sometimes dads are less contribute less to the housework and things like that. Right. But often house cleaners and stuff like that, they're paid by the hour.

But if you, if the board of, if the Dads Guild just hired some cleaners to go from house to house on a weekly wage, it might be cheaper overall. It could be you know and then we can say yeah i'm about to go do my part my share of the clean and they only have to clean half of the house yeah or the debt the dad say look i do my part of the housework. I pay my subscription to the Dad's Guild. By the way, hon, have you called your dad recently? You know, he's doing some of the work for the Guild. This is also how you pay it off because, you know, dads need to get calls. But also because the dads have invested in the phone company. You know, the dads have invested in the phone company you know the dads have invested in the phone company so they actually to be honest they're actually not that interested

in taking phone calls as most dads aren't right but they get they get people to call their dads and rack up their phone bills because then a lot of the money that the dads have invested is then is then making its own money and then that's going to pay for the cleaners as well wow so we find out that that the whole dad industry is actually this sort of a scam that they've got going by big dad by big dad yeah daddy um yeah i mean dad so that dads can do By Big Dad. Yeah. Big Daddy. Yeah, I mean. So that dads can do their fair share. Finding out that dads, all dads somewhere, somehow,

are involved in some kind of a scam. Baby was waking up and I didn't go. And then again, I was in a class. Oh, Amnesty. Oh, jeez. Do you need to go now no no not go i can just i'll just go check you you say your thing and i'll be back yeah no that's all right i mean see if there was a dad guild um there could be there could be some sort of a a system that would take care of this but no i was thinking right like what could we if we could find out somehow that all dads are involved in some kind of a scam right actually

alistair might have had a bit about this at one point about that trick that people do where they find a coin behind your ear how that could be a form of money laundering. I'll have to check this when he gets back. But, like, that you... And I guess then this would have to be uncles. It would have to be some sort of an uncle scam where uncles are all in on something, and it turns out that when they're finding the coins

behind the ear of a of a youngster that is a form of money laundering and that they would have to be turning over like billions of dollars a year um i'm just you know i've returned alistair did you have a bit about finding a coin behind somebody's ear being a form of money laundering i think maybe there's a chance we did uh wait well i did have a bit about i had like a one-liner that was about um my uncle no wait yeah it was a tax thing i think right and then but i couldn't tell anybody like my uncle something something like that something something but i couldn't tell anybody about it because he had my nose yeah that's a really good bit but okay well i was just basically coming up with that again i wanted to have the idea i i was riffing off my idea of all dads being involved in some sort of a scam

right that that that something about being a dad is a scam but then i thought that the finding of the but then i just recounted your bit right that like the finding of the coin behind the year is actually a form of money laundering and if we could do this on an industrial scale or we could if we could look at the cumulative effect of all the coins found behind the ears of people by uncles we see that it actually is turning over like billions of dollars a year and that it is involved in some way in major drug trades or something like that. Yeah, that's good. I mean, I don't know.

Oh, yeah, my uncle hid money behind my ear as a way of avoiding tax. I wanted to tell the authorities, but I couldn't because he had my nose. Yeah. I mean, yeah yeah if it was the uncles if it was the the uncles guild no the guild now again but it's funny by the way that we were doing that we were doing a joke about dads not doing their fair share and then suddenly indiana had to go and deal it's incredible the baby waking up while i was coming up with that very idea of a way of getting around laughing at the concept of us not contributing yeah oh god um okay wait so we just say

i mean it is also funny the idea of all dads getting together and having some sort of a system whereby now your dad might not come and help and do what you needed in the moment, but a dad will get to you, right? And this could be enabled via some sort of app very easily. Oh, yeah, you think so. And I guess dads would have to have a pretty, you know, dads who are part of this app, if you sign up to this thing,

you'd have a pretty standardized uniform, and so dads would be pretty easily recognizable with a checkered shirt tucked into their chinos or whatever it is. Man, that's exactly what I was picturing too. Sort of small wireframe glasses. Yeah. Sort of black, black wireframe with the sort of thick lenses. And he'll, you know, so.

And the call of distress is just, I grazed my knee. Yeah. Right. distresses it's just uh i grazed my knee yeah and right and it sends a message to the person says i grazed my knee and then that'll have coordinates in there somehow that you can decode with uh and then dad's dad's in the area look at their phones they get a they get an alert and they can accept a job i suppose within 200 meters and run along and help the kid but your whatever your thing is making it seem like these dads are doing actually a ton more work than well i guess i guess because you know some dads are not would you know you get to have time off i suppose yeah you know it's more flexible it responds to the

needs of modern dads who don't want everybody does it really everybody does like 10 dads does does every job together very fast so that you never have to like suffer through anyway i'm not sure i'm not 100 sure i was just trying to find a way for us all to pull our resources so that we could just get cleaners yeah no that's good but we do it under the charity idea of call your dad right and so it's just about it makes it seem like it's about men's health people are always calling and they say can i talk to mom but actually call your dad and then we're just trying to double the amount of time we're spending on the phone we've meanwhile we've invested in the phone companies because we're pulling our money and using it to spend on clean ears for our half

i mean i i pick for this for this um uncle's laundering laundering money behind the ear of kids, I mean, it's quite funny to picture an uncle reaching behind a kid's ear and pulling out a wad of like $100,000 or something like that. We're like, oh, look at that. Here, you can keep some of this. But we all know where this came from. It was behind his ear. I don't know about the exact dialogue in the scene,

but explaining to the police, if anyone asks, or talking to the accountant. I don't know how money laundering works, and I don't know who checks up on these things. You don't know how money laundering works. I guess now that the casinos are under more scrutiny you you do work for for cash but in order to but if you get all this cash then at some point if you have these crazy expensive assets that

nobody can explain where you got that money from then you need to find ways of making it seem like this money's come from a legit source. So you might take that money down to the casino and make it seem like you got winnings because you put it in and then you take it out or whatever. Yeah, I think there's some, obviously there's some details there or you could or you could say that you know maybe you run a very cash heavy business so

you run a muffin shop and you know people who buy muffins mostly buy muffins by you know cash and so then you just say that you've sold more muffins than you actually have and then suddenly you've all got muffins than you actually have. And then suddenly you've all got all this money that now you can put on your mortgage or whatever. You just cook the books as well as the muffins. Indeed. So, yeah, I don't know if you can launder money behind people's ears, but you could definitely store some money there. It's like keeping it offshore. I think you could la store some money there you could keep it's like keeping it off i

think you could launder it behind people's ears because i think the premise of finding money from behind somebody's ear is that the money has come from thin air thin air yeah right and that but also the the origin is then explained in a in a form that society accepts. We don't ask any deeper questions. Sir, how come you have this Ferrari? Well, my brother was visiting the house with his new kids, and I checked behind my nephew's ear. Lo and behold, there was $600,000 behind there.

Oh, I suppose you want to go and tell him. You should have seen the look on his face. He was so happy. What, are you going to go and tell him, young Jobathon? You're going to tell young Jobathon that that's not where that money came from? Is that what Job is short for? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Jobison. That was the first, in God's tortures of Job, the first torture was that he was actually called Jobison.

It started very early. I guess he put it in his mom's head. Alistair, I reckon we've probably got five sketch ideas. Yeah. And I use all of those terms loosely. What of it? Well, you know what happens when we get to five sketch ideas. Okay, well, that's right.

We have three words from a listener. Now, Andy, I don't know if you know about this, but we have three listeners. No, we have listeners, and they can donate to the Patreon and then be able to donate three words from a listener, usually themselves.

And this one comes from I think it's Jared Schaffer, or it could be Jard Schaffer. But those are the only two options. Or Jard. Jard Schaffer. I wonder if there were the names Jared and Gerard.

I wonder if they've got completely independent origins, and that's just an example of convergent evolution. No, I don't think anything is that separate from each other. It seems like there's only like 12 names, and there's just male and female versions of them. And then we fuck around with them. Yeah. And in every language.

You know? Now, Andy. I hope I live to see Dennis make a comeback. Yeah, it's gonna... I'm gonna have three more kids and all three of them are gonna be called Dennis. Just so that you can have your dream. Thanks, man.

Andy, now because I couldn't tell whether or not these words, we had already done them before. I've said them to you already. But do you want to try and guess what they are? Do you already know what they are? I think they're coming back to me now. Yeah. It's bacteria fed beef. Yes. Yeah. It's bacteria-fed beef.

Yes. So apologies for removing the game element here, but it is bacteria-fed beef. Now, I mean, I love those words. I love them so much. Something that it brings to mind for me immediately is, you know, lab-grown meat, right? Yeah.

So you can grow meat in a lab but it turns out that the only way to grow that meat is to feed it other meat. And so I guess it's a way of meat laundering then, isn't it, that you're like you're getting meat from the fields, from cows and that sort of thing. And then you're feeding that meat to some sort of organism, some sort of bacteria or whatever that you've got in the lab that then turns it into completely new meat. Oh, bacteria meat.

That you could then sell in a lab-grown burger lab grown but is it bacteria meat i guess it's a kind of bacteria meat i mean i don't know how they make the meat that they make in labs you are describing just like because that happens let's say when like a lion eats meat that makes it into new meat yeah yeah yeah no totally but but this is happening in a lab right and there's i guess could it happen in a boardroom and people are just describing it fuck you alistair fuck you there is an intermediate organism that is a non-meat organism. Yeah. Right? And so, it is meat laundering. You know, I think this is probably meat laundering. I think that's an interesting concept.

But meat laundering, I think you're taking the idea of laundering in a way that, in a sense, that it doesn't mean the same origin. I completely disagree. Where did you get this meat well it's just i got it from this lab this very legitimate place where meat just appears yeah they grow it in a lab it's okay i can eat it do you think they still need a lab grown meat do you think they still grow it in a lab or do you think they would do that in a factory or something? It feels like it's in early stages. I think that's a really good point. It feels like it's in early stages of the process kind of thing that now it's actually probably in the factory grown meat.

Yeah. Are you going to take a precious lab space, these fucking places? I mean, there's a lot of things that only work in lab conditions, right? And what people do then is they're like, oh, this actually isn't useful in the real world because it only works in lab conditions. Well, I disagree. You know what we need to do? Just make a bigger lab. Bigger lab.

We could all be in a lab. Just make it. Just turn everything into a lab. Suddenly, lab conditions are real world conditions. Problem solved, fucko. Turn turn everything into a lab. Suddenly, lab conditions are real-world conditions. Problem solved, fucko. Turn the world into a lab. Yeah. Then we're always in laboratory conditions.

Well, that's true. Everybody's got a little white coat. Well, you've just got to change your definition of what a lab is. Think about this. Seems to me. lab is think about this so what if a lab was sort of like the the kind of gravel area under a tree that's planted on the street in the city well then you and me are sitting in a lab right now um what about this what about you know like you know sometimes like people would go to like thailand or something like that or some country.

Oh, yeah. And then like they've got these like these kind of medical processes where it's like you put your feet in some water and then like some fish come and eat your dead skin. Yeah. What about that? But it's like you dangle your feet in like a pit of cows and they come and eat your bacteria and they just like or you just dangle there like they just dangle you from under your arms yeah or you slide your head into like kind of like what looks like a boxer's helmet right but it actually has an underneath thing that kind of just dangles you from your whole head.

And then you just get lowered into like a pit of cows. Right, like they would lower that goat into the T-Rex enclosure or the Velociraptor enclosure in Jurassic Park. Or like a throw a Christian into like a pit of lions or whatever. Sure, sure, sure. But you get lowered down and these cows just like lick on you and kind of like, you know, suckle and things like that. Wow. Yeah, okay.

But it's just like they're just pulling bacteria off. Yeah, right. And then you leave. And then you leave and then you leave right and they slaughter one of the cows and they give you and they feed it give you a steak yeah a steak and then you can take that and you can do that once a day yeah and so then and you're unemployed and so this is how you feed your family. Mm. And I call it. And it's like, I call it. That's really good.

And I think it's. This is actually a way of laundering bacteria. Yeah. I mean, it is kind of. It's. The tax office, the bacteria office office is going how do you explain this abundance of bacteria on your feet and i go oh you've not been making this bacteria legitimately you go well how about this oh well you've made that steak in a legitimate legitimate way obviously

i mean i just think what i find that my favorite bit about this is the detail that you are unemployed right you don't have a job and that the sort of i guess the indignity for your family for your kids of explaining that what your dad does for a living to keep you afloat is get loaded through a pit of cows naked have them lick all over his body so they can subsist on his bacteria it It doesn't seem like this is like, I think there are going to be losses along the way. I don't think this works out mathematically as a scheme, but I think it's so undignified, and that makes it very funny to me.

But somehow the rest of the cow is profit for that company. Yeah. So you just kind of... No, I understand. Yeah, and know, so you just kind of... Oh, I understand. Yeah, and it feels like you're kind of not depositing as much as you're taking away every day. Yeah. Yeah, but maybe you like...

Maybe you shit into the cow's mouths as well and stuff like that. Oh, my God. Yeah, because there's heaps of bacteria in there and stuff like that. So, like, wait for wait, you're depositing more than you're taking away that day. Right, and they're licking your butt clean and stuff like that because they're so hungry for it, right? Yeah, and then, like, maybe you're having to spit in their mouths and stuff now i'm picturing the dad coming into like careers day the kids careers day and explaining his um to the whole class yeah uh you know and uh yeah yeah you see him there you see him at a party i guess having a drink actually i'm going to work now if you want to come in and see what i do

i gotta do it once a day so i actually never have a day off yeah you know that steak you're eating wow that's actually this because it's a barbecue in their backyard Wow. That's actually because it's a barbecue in their backyard. That's actually from yesterday. That's a genuine shit-fed cow. That's a, well, bacteria-fed beef. Bacteria-fed.

Yeah, sure. Nice. Nice. I think we did it, Al. Yeah? I think that's a sketch idea. Okay. And a good one.

Yeah. Good one. It's a nice, clean, little mainstream little idea. Yeah. You know? So, okay, well, here's some of the ideas that we have from today. I'm really not looking forward to hearing them today. You're not?

Sometimes I really look forward to hearing them back, and then sometimes I feel a bit of apprehension okay well here we go all this whacking off down river okay well now i'm back on board yes and then you know so this is just somebody who masturbates in a river and they get carried away by the current and they kind of are bouncing off of rocks and things like that. I'll tell you, you get carried away. Yeah. And then we've got a sci-fi Greco-Roman arm wrestle. I really like that. Actually, I have an idea like that for in my novel. Really?

Yeah. Oh, okay, great. I'm writing a sci-fi novel. I've written about a chapter and a half. And then I haven't given up. I've just about a chapter and a half. I haven't given up. I've just put it aside. I'm really looking forward to learning more about it. Let's admit it, Andy.

Neither of us would read my book. Even I wouldn't read it. Reverse mugging. And this guy jumps out and threatens someone with a wallet. You stick a knife in my shoulder or else I'll give you, I'll put this wallet straight in your pocket. Don't do it. Maybe.

I know you didn't really love that bit, but I had to like. Yeah, I mean, I guess I was too heavily visualizing my own thing and I didn't engage. No, you know what? I don't think I ever really heard what your thing was. Okay, great. I was opening the door so that you could hear it, so you could say it. Just then? Yeah. Say it again now? Well,

yeah, if you had already said it, then say it again. Literally my entire idea, Alistair, was somebody jumping out and shoving a wallet at somebody and then saying give me give me a knife yeah and and i guess the idea i was thinking about the idea that every in this world everybody carries around a knife yeah and and and yeah you know that's all i got yeah it's all i got really that, great. That's all I got, really. That's really good. Look, it's probably cleaner.

It's probably cleaner. Thanks, man. Then we've got criminal gang using a shared workspace. That's great. I should write down the word meth kitchenette. That's good. Oh, I should write down the word meth kitchenette. That's good. Kitchenette. Then we got family concerned about drug dealer. Son is involved in multi-level marketing scheme.

That's something. Then we got oxy continental breakfast. And then we got the dad's Guild. Call Your Dad. That turned out to be quite complex. Cleaning Scam. It still works. And then we got The Uncle's Laundering Behind

Kids' Ears. And then we got The Unemployed Guy Gets Lowered Into Cow Pit And Gives Bacteria To Them In Exchange For Steak. behind kids ears and then we got the unemployed guy gets lowered into cow pit and gives bacteria to them in exchange for steak i'm gonna say alistair that i wasn't fully present for a lot of today mentally yeah right and i think that comes across maybe i think in some a lot of these were andy there were really andy led ideas yeah but I wonder if I put them out there and then I retreated into my own mind. Yeah, right. And I, you know.

Anyway, I hope you had a good time, Alistair. I got a lot out of it. And I hope the listeners are feeling all right. I got a lot out of this, Andy. Yeah, great. It's great to talk to you. Andy, thank you so much. I hope it's also great to talk to you andy thank you so much i hope it's also great to talk to you

and it is and thanks okay oh yes and in inny cough. Oh, imagine that, being able to cough downwards into your lungs. It would be a way of eating with your lungs. Here we go. Thanks so much for listening to the podcast. You can find us all the places you'd think you'd find us on Twitter. I don't know why i don't tweet much

anymore just i guess i don't have those ideas i think you have been tweeting a bit haven't you no but nothing good okay like feeble feeble little offerings i'm gonna do better i'm gonna do better you know i'm doing some real garbage as well don't worry i've what do you tell me what you think of this idea alistair there's lots of old bits of metal In our yard up the back Buried under the dirt From I don't know when Must be like 30, 40, 50 years ago Old weird bits of metal buried under the dirt

The dirt's really loose So it's easy to find them If you rake it over you find all these weird bits of metal Do you think people would watch a live stream From the point of view of You know, if I a gopro on my head would they watch a live stream of me raking the yard and pulling out all these weird bits of metal yeah and trying to guess what they are yeah i think so yeah great yeah that's okay that's almost a better idea than anything you've ever done yeah great yeah no i think that's content oh andy it's content um but speaking of content

you should buy my book gustav and henry with peter thomas you can get it anywhere you anywhere you get podcasts i mean books i just bought i just bought eight copies and so you know it must be good i i fear asking why you bought eight copies of your own i want to give them to people i want to give them to people and i've already given away all of my um advanced copies but i want to send some to people overseas but you know like next time an author um recommends their book to you yeah ask them uh oh okay if it's so good how many copies have you bought and i'll be able to say i bought eight so yeah well i've got a few great then you got annoyed with me that i bought some and then i think then you'll probably now you've realized that was that was a really bad move on your part. Yeah, it was crazy.

Yeah. Anyway, take care, Andy. And take care of everybody else. And we love you. You. Bye. Toodles. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats.

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