Two In The Think Tank - 339 - "CRAZY FROG EXTENDED UNIVERSE" with JACK DRUCE

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Huge thanks to the brilliant Jack "JD" Drucey Druce for coming on. Buy tickets to his comedy special taping here and check out his youtube sketches herePlease purchase Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereGreek-style thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hey, Alistair. Yes, Andrew. People who listen to this podcast, they like comedy, right? I mean, there's always a chance. Yeah, a good chance. I'll take those odds. Why? Are you asking that because we've got a guest on who's promoting a comedy special that they're about to record yeah i wasn't but you

know now that you mention it that's the perfect segue oh my god let's introduce our guest jack druse hello everyone jack what is happening um i'm doing i'm recording what is happening what is what is going on um i'm uh recording my best of stand-up show on June 29th. So I don't know when this comes out, but probably that'll be very soon after you listen to this. Yeah. It's Wednesday, June 29th at Comedy Republic. If you live in Melbourne, this is happening in Melbourne.

And if you don't live in Melbourne, it's being recorded, obviously, and you can watch the stand-up special on youtube in some time in the future but if you want to be there live for the thing it's going to be great so please come get a ticket to that god i highly recommend the show because this is not just your best of stand-up this is the best of your stand-up exactly yeah and and that's very exciting i mean it's probably the same thing right the best of your stand-up and the best of all stand-up is probably, you know, a Venn diagram that overlaps pretty heavily. Yeah, I think I've got like 80% of the best bits ever done. And then there's like, I don't know, I think Richard Pryor had like one bit that was like kind of in the, you know, I guess it would be in my best hour if i had to do a best of everyone

yeah so um yeah please come to this i think it'll be i think it'll be a real good one um i don't i'm terrible at selling any stand-up's the worst thing to sell because it's just like come and trust that i'll be funny for a while yeah but do that it will be good no i mean trust us as well you can also go see Jack Drew's sketches that are on various places. Where would I find, like on Jack Drew's on Twitter? Yeah, probably YouTube is the best if you just want to watch them

because I don't really tweet. I used to tweet a bunch of jokes and stuff, but I don't really do that anymore. I'm really glad. What keywords would you put into YouTube to find Jack Drew's sketches? Probably the words Jack and Druce in that order. D-R-U-C-E?

D-R-U-C-E. And I'm glad you brought up my name because if you do want to buy a ticket to the taping, you can use the code DRUCE and you'll get 10% off. Oh, no, not 10% off. $10 ticket. $10 off. $10 off a $10 ticket. Tickets are $20.

10% off a $10 ticket. I'm so bad at selling stuff. Additional $10 off. $10 off a $10 ticket. Tickets are $20. 10% off a $10 ticket. I'm so bad at selling stuff. Additional $10. Tickets are $20. If you use the code word DRUCY, you'll get a $10 ticket. And is that D-R-U-C-E? So that's 50% off. Exactly.

With a further 10%. Is that D-R-U-C-E-Y? That's exactly right. Okay. Yes. So use that and get it. Now, I mean, Drucy, is that a nickname that you get a lot? Or are you trying to bring that in?

Is this your sort of soft launch of a- Wait, Andy, before Ajak answers that question, do you think that that's more of a post-opening song kind of question? You're absolutely right. I'll just do it. I was trying to do like an Inception. I was working Zimmer. Very big cruise ship horn.

Yeah, yeah. But that's unrelated. You've got a big cruise ship horn. Yeah, I do right now. That's a part of your body? Yeah. Or you were saying it was a tumescence that you had in your pants. Yeah, I suppose I was going. Four cruise ship horns.

It's both. Imagine that every time they honk at you, ejaculate, or you just get aroused. I mean, you know, going by the honk if you're horny rule. Yeah. I mean, they probably honk the loudest out of anybody, and we can assume, therefore, that the cruise ship is the horniest of all of the that's how the horn was invented they needed a horn to display quite exactly how horny they were and regular cars weren't really doing it i think uh yeah i think that i think

that's what it was we need a big horn to display the level of horniness yeah we therefore the only vehicle that's going to be big enough to to do this is going to be an enormous ocean liner yeah we better invent um cruise ship travel to communicate there's a chance that you know because people probably have seen that sign and then they've honked right because they were horning right and then but then part of the deal i assume is that it's you probably if you're the person honking you're probably thinking well now i'm gonna get something out of this yeah because it's like why would i just want to communicate that i'm horny it's very assuming that when i honk i'm gonna come right this is gonna help me reach orgasm right and then they haven't orgasmed and so they've maybe

experimented with bigger and bigger horns because maybe that was the problem. The horn wasn't loud enough. Yeah. Well, this is interesting, isn't it? The car has a horn, but it doesn't have an ear, you know? The car doesn't have an ear. Well, exactly. You know, the car can communicate its horniness through honking.

Are you thinking that the car is horny? I mean, when you put it like that it sounds insane do you think the people holding those signs are talking to the cars when we have self-driving cars do you think they'll like know when they're horny and honk automatically like yeah but then i mean i feel like they'd be able to they must have more sophisticated ways of communicating at that point you know they'll be able to just like send a packet of of encoded data over the internet yeah this feels like it's one of the few tweets i've ever thought of that i think i could get elon musk to respond to is say tell me where are tesla's programmed to automatically honk if they're horny can they

can they read those signs i mean if they're not already that is absolutely you know i love a corporate april fool's prank oh yeah let's start lining this up right now he loves jokes like this i think the models that have been released are like model s model e and model x god that's good god that's funny yeah i mean that's uh that's the rule of three isn't it so funny that he's like you know maybe one of the most powerful people to have ever lived sure and he's uh just steals bad memes on twitter it's such a stupid thing to do. Well, have I talked about my theory about electric cars and Elon Musk on the podcast, which is that like cars for a long time were so intimately connected with masculinity and communicating your manliness. And, you know, the kind of car you drove was, you know, linked and marketed towards what kind of a man you wanted to be. And I think one of the big problems with marketing electric cars is that there wasn't like a

version of manliness that could be communicated with them. And I think Elon, part of his entire persona is creating a version of masculinity and communicating that and projecting that that can be like linked back to electric cars in some way to make you make men feel okay about buying what is you know wouldn't otherwise be a very masculine car so he's got this kind of like alpha it's a sort of an alpha nerd thing which is this brand of masculinity that you can then link to his thing and then men can feel okay about it they should make an electric um transformer still beating the shit out of the bad guys and still being cool and got rockets and shit yeah that's the kind of yeah the kind of masculinity i can get behind yeah great zipping around saving the world i mean it's it's absolutely you know i mean he

almost does that with kind of like you know some some of the models uh you know they they're like sealed so that they can like go underwater and stuff like that you know totally yeah and there's like you know some of them makes them bulletproof or whatever like that it's but but i don't think elon is any model of masculinity but i think i think that's like the thing that the only thing about the masculinity that i've seen with the with those cars i mean other than the fact that they're just cool technology is the fact that you put your foot down and it goes faster than any car on the road yeah i suppose you know without needing to have a like that um so i mean yeah i think that the fact that it's kind of like it out-muscles other cars.

Do you think if they added like a, not an engine that produces noise to do its job, but just a sound effect of like a sci-fi kind of that kind of thing? Like that's what my brain thinks an electric car should be doing. Just like a generic kind of sci-fi sort of noise. I mean, what you could do is you could – I completely agree. I think you should be able to download those sounds like you would have downloaded a ringtone in 2003. Which one I would go for? I would go for –

Was the original Crazy Frog – I would go for yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, uh-huh, uh-huh, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, track or whatever so none of the sort of the the the crazy frogs since then have been that they might be riffing on that in some way an original idea yeah okay reinterpreting it there should be a crazy frog family shouldn't there it feels like it's a strange thing that that they haven't expanded it into a whole family it's amazing they haven't made it into a movie like they would with donkey kong you know like donkey kong they kind of, they were like, oh, there's old Kong, there's Grandpa Kong, and there's Diddy Kong. If there's a crazy frog, I mean, a senile frog seems like, you know, that would be his father. Or maybe his grandfather would be senile frog.

Yeah. There's a whole family of frogs, but he's the only crazy one, and they're all just very worried about him. Like, they all just have normal jobs in offices and go to school and he's like is he still yeah you know he's doing well he's you know look after him and he's just but he's i mean in a way he's doing the best out of all of them well my my kids are a little bit obsessed with crazy frog they really like the crazy frog version is that amazing yeah i think that's really exciting they they really love the axel f version that um yeah wow that crazy frog does but otis has this idea that crazy frog is a mime

right because crazy frog pretends to ride a motorbike but also does make it seem like they're riding a motorbike and then people are chasing them and trying to destroy them so is this in the video i'm not sure yeah crazy frog is sort of pretending to ride a motorbike but also does ride away yeah and so for some reason i think there there's these two elements that it is a mime that speaks but kind of speaks in ding dings and bleh bleh and that kind of stuff sure but then also there's all these people that want to destroy it but also he's a mime you know and it is an interesting element you know a superhero of some sort or at least somebody who people want to destroy which i think

a lot of people hate crazy frog enough to the point where they would want to destroy it i mean that's his power pretty cool um superhero power is the ability to mime something and make it reality yeah like that your mime is good enough that it can actually not only convince you know the audience that you're carrying an invisible briefcase yeah but then that you'd be able to then like use that briefcase to beat somebody on unconscious or something or sort of present legal documents in a court case that could get your client off. Oh, man. I love that use of the superpower.

Yeah, yeah. How would you mime particularly convincing court documents? Are you opening them and then you're like, hmm. You open the case and then you take out real documents. Okay, from your briefcase. Yeah. Sure. I thought I did connect that to the briefcase.

No, I think you're like pretending to pick up a piece of paper and then you're like your reaction to this piece of paper that isn't there is like you're so overjoyed by how easily this is going to exonerate your client and then you mime convincingly mime passing that to the judge and then they're like well i've seen enough yeah i assume i i assume if if you can do bring bring like this yeah make it look like you're riding a motorcycle and it actually propels you to the ground i suppose you could pull out something that is you act like it is a legal document that will exonerate your client and hand it to the judge that it actually will work he'll look over if you're if you're a convincing enough vibe that, that should work. Well, if that's your superpower. Yeah.

But even just being a very convincing mime, right? Imagine you're going to court, right? And you go in, you've seen this incredible mime out on the street. You're like, that guy is so good. He made me believe things were there that weren't there. You fire your lawyer on the spot. You say, I got this guy in. I gave him 50 bucks. And then he convincingly mimes having, you know, exonerating evidence or something like that in a way that, God, this would have been useful about six months ago when we were writing that comedy festival show about unconventional legal defenses.

Sure, sure, sure. comedy festival show about unconventional legal defenses sure sure sure um would you say the crazy frog is the greatest new superhero of the 21st century absolutely um because i mean has there been any good new ones like because like a lot of the time it's like people you know just trying to find other ways of adding super speed or flying and things like that but this is actually miming something into reality i don't know if I've seen that before. I would love if they added him to the Avengers or something and everyone got so upset. Like the crazy frog just miming shit.

He's the most powerful one. He just mimes. He pretends he's got a super cannon that can destroy everything. Because the same people that will be upset were the same people who are like, this is wokeness gone mad or whatever, and they're going to try to sort of be like, oh, this bothers me in a way that I don't know how to attack it,

so I'm going to say it's wokeness? Is it woke? Is this woke? Go woke, go broke. Is it woke to put the crazy frog into the Marvel Cinematic Universe? My whole thing is they should have like all those things that people complain about it being too woke you concede to them but give them like just the most dog shit thing instead like everyone's angry about like who's gonna be james bond and you're like

all right fine you don't want a black james bond fine it's the crazy frog he's james bond you have like two movies of the crazy frog i think at this point we've got to start blackmailing the fans and basically it is like if you if if anyone complains about this this casting we're gonna switch them out digitally for the crazy frog absolutely so we have we had the um we had the the we had an actor in okay um you know and maybe it was diverse casting of some kind we had them do the whole thing um but they had like a little motion sensor suit we're using magnets and stuff under their under their clothes right and that and and i can i have a big button we've rendered crazy frog i have a big button on my desk it's big red button and basically if a single negative tweet comes out about this casting choice i'll press that

button and it'll instantly become the crazy frog with his little he had a dick didn't he oh yeah yeah yeah with his little dick i assume he didn't even bother to mime pants because it would be his dick would be hidden if he had tried yeah that's how effective they would be yeah well i assume the dick is part of the mime, part of his power. Yeah. And if he covers that up, then we wouldn't be able to see it. It's the source of his power. Oh, wow.

And everything, anything that he, the mime has to be seen by the eye of his penis. I guess it's kind of a puppetry of the penis then, isn't it? Well, I mean, I guess anything is puppetry of the penis if your puppet has a penis. Visible penis. Yeah. What about this? Penisry of the puppet. And what we do, basically, is we take

existing puppets and then we just sort of mold them to make them look like a penis. You know what? What about Big Bird? Think about this. There's not a lot you have to do. Take like a penis. You know what? What about Big Bird? Think about this. There's not a lot you have to do. Take away the beak.

Is that it? He's already. Hang on. He's a pretty dicky shape. He's got that big. I'm trying to picture Big Bird. Is Big Bird a girl? Well, Big Bird, the person inside the costume, their name was Carol, but they were a man.

Yeah. So, I mean, it's ambiguous all the way down. Yeah, yeah. But, hi, everybody. I'm Big Bird. It's kind of like, you know, it's a pretty, it's a girly character. I think Big Bird might be sort of an androgynous icon. Yeah.

Non-binary. Non-NB. Or do you think, like, no, what, oh, no think androgyne like no what oh no androgynous yeah you're right um i was thinking of what's the one where you they have no genitals at all eunuch ah yeah sure but i guess they got a cloaca yeah yeah they'd have a cloaca and maybe it's a type of bird where they both have cloacas and they do that cloacal kiss sure i mean that's nice you know that's you know that would be the best genital for the non-binaries and the non-binaries it would be great if they could have an option of the cloaca yeah i'm gonna pitch that yeah who are you gonna pitch it to

i don't know i'm gonna go stand on a podium and just start speaking can you pitch it on uh like shark tank or something? I think they should have the option of a double cloaca. A double cloaca. What do you think? A front cloaca and a back cloaca. Yeah. Oh, that's cool. And you should be able to impregnate yourself through the two. I think inventing a new

genital and patenting it. Yeah. But it's a very desirable genital. Everybody agrees that it's better. You know, I think it's a very desirable genital. Everybody agrees that it's better. Desirable. You know, I think it's like Apple when they came along with the MagLock connector for the laptop, right? Every other… This is going to be pitched as the MagLock connector of genitals.

Well, look, I actually feel like we've probably already done that on the podcast. Have we? I don't know but like it'd be great for for sort of um for um what's this genital cloacal scissoring if they were both kind of really terrific but then of course once you put magnets in there you're getting you're putting a kind of like you're you're putting a polar thing on there which means that that doesn't fit with your non-binary yeah you're suddenly you're kind of going well only the north will fit with the mag the maglock the great thing about the maglock connector was that you could flip it around it

didn't matter which way up it went so i think they worked that out somehow by having multiple prongs in there could you connect two computers together but i tell you what would be terrific would be to have your genitals your male genitals your front genital you know if that was because the great thing about the mag lock is that if it gets bumped or whatever it just comes off and nothing gets damaged it'd be great if your you know penis and balls could be just magnetically connected to your body and if anybody kicks you they just go flying that's right and you can just go get them just go get them yeah you could use a find my phone feature to track them down and find them

in a blackberry bush somewhere just like oh gotta get all these little prickles out of it correct one time me and andy were walking home from the city um in a slightly intoxicated state and we near the train tracks oh my god and then i and we thought i thought wouldn't it be fun if we ran down this hill in the dark and then turns out at the bottom was just big blackberry bushes and i'm like right andy like that and it didn't realize until the morning that my phone had fallen out of my pocket lost your phone that's right it was in the blackberry bush and then like i just traced it in the morning and there was still enough battery power so that it was down near the zoo. Was it a find my phone thing?

I thought we just went back and found it. No, I'd seen that it was there. It was my first Apple. And anyway, we found it. Imagine if it had been a blackberry though. That would have been really good. That would have been really good. Well, then I don't think they had the find my phone feature.

No, that's right. That would have been really bad. Anyway, what I was't think they had the Find My Phone feature. No, that's right. That would have been really bad. Anyway, what I was saying is that when Apple came out with the MagLock, they patented that, and I think all other laptop companies probably thought, that would be so great if we could have that. But if you came out with a new genital that was very appealing in that way, everybody would want it.

They'd have to go to you to buy the rights to the genital. I don't know what it would look like. Do you want me to write down Maglock genitals? Sure. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. How would you, would you take off the vulva as well? Would you make the vulva removable like that?

Yeah, I think so. I think it would be unfair if I didn't. That's true. Okay, Maglock genitals. I mean, how do you picture it as a sketch? Maglock, is that a pun on Matlock? The detective show that I only know about for symptoms? It's a lawyer show, man.

You love Matlock. Then you get ready for the genitals of your dreams with the Maglock genitals. Good news, Matlock fans. Finally, a genital for you. You'll detachable genitals. fans. Finally, a genital for you. You'll detachable genitals. It's like a

testimonial of some old man who's like, I love Matlock, but my genitals are always connected to my body. If only someone could help me. Take them off and put them on the fridge for when I go out for a walk in the park.

Thank you, Maglock. And Matlock. french for when i go out for a walk in the park thank you maglock and matlock so this is the scenario in which we have invented a new genital it is a maglock style one but we're exclusively marketing it to fans of the tv show trying to do a matlock sort of crossover yeah branding sure merchandising you know right well and also there's somehow we just got to the top of the search engine optimization of matlock because it always maglock always go to correct it did you mean matlock and so we're like all right well i guess we better just try and do that yeah we gotta do is like that um deep fake kind of like where you get a database of his voice from the show and you got the

matlock guys just kind of uh has it he's like a lawyer right he's like a lawyer and he's yeah he's like my genitals can be stored anywhere so take it from me Take it from me, Madler. I mean, my client's genitals were stuck to his body. Now, this could have been all prevented if he had other options. Or be it for me to assume that every man needs to have their genitals on them at all times. Okay. And now if this was a mr show sketch yeah then we would cut to two people in a share house watching an ad that ad yeah and then like who is this for right they would be talking

who is this for yeah and then they would turn to the other guy and he would be the number four right is that no i mean yeah i think that's that's very you've absolutely nailed bob and david's style of comedy yeah i think that was that would have been they wouldn't have benefited by that at all honestly i mean who could have who could have watched that show and predicted that bob odenkirk would be the one who had like the incredible crossover success career of man i love bob so much but his acting style is so strange yeah yeah i i read his um audio i read his audio book i consumed i consumed his book recently um and uh is it like a memoir yeah yeah good um

yeah i love you know when you're doing a podcast and you like you veer down it's like i can talk about this for an hour and none of it would be funny but um it's very good highly recommend it if you like just mr show if you like bob odenkirk any of that stuff i i also listened to it and i loved it because it is also a story of a guy who most of his career is failures yeah and it's just trying to get stuff up for years and years and years and failing to get things up or getting something up and then it kind of gets and then it then it fails and things like that and then some guy just keep calling him up one day and being you know it's like he gets big breaks like the one that that crazy thing where

he's like he lives in some small town in the country and then he goes to chicago because he's like interested in comedy but he didn't know it was possible and he ends up in a bookstore and del close just happens to be there the like the improv guru he's like and he remembers he just hears the person get referred to as del and then he goes he remembers looking at the saturday night live credits and seeing a name called del close yeah and he goes excuse me sir are you del close yeah he goes yes he goes can i interview you and then the guy was like in between jobs just happened to be just fired from saturday night live and he's like yeah okay i got nothing else on yeah yeah that's incredible yeah i love that and no del close would be a great name for an alternative

like different um laptop companies uh maglock uh connector as well it's there it's there a great magnet to keep on your back for your laptop you know like if you could just hold the whole laptop stuck to your back yeah actually would be incredible if you didn't have to wear a magnet magnets in your back yeah get magnets put in your back and you just clip your laptop just straight to your back just slap it on your back onto the skin i guess i mean you could it would probably still work through a jumper or something through the shirt you could put it you could put it on through the shirt and then put a jacket over it. This is the first time I've been actually interested in a transhumanism idea. Yeah.

To get the Dale Close magnetized backpack holder. Of course, but then they could release modes of transport, which are just kind of those old style magnets for picking up cars at junkyards oh yeah just pick you up with one of them pick you up in the city like a chairlift kind of thing like that and just takes you across the train station but by your back but by your back yeah you just kind of dangle you're looking at your phone oh great that's the best yeah that's way better than a cable car gosh i hope I hope Elon is listening to this episode. Elon, I hope you're listening. I hope we didn't say too many nasty things about him early on.

This would be really upsetting if he actually listened. I said he'd invented a new type of masculinity. Yeah, that's true. Then I did kind of go, oh, I'm not sure. And then I went, sorry about that. Yeah, no, that's okay. I probably ruined our chances. But anyway, I mean, it could go in a vacuum chamber, like the Hyperloop or whatever. Sure, sure.

I mean, these people could suffocate if you want. I guess it would take less oxygen if you just had a little oxygen mask for yourself. Well, maybe they could be like those maglev trains, right? And then they could be also frictionless and they could just be hovering. Hovering on your back. On your back. Getting like sort of

traveling at 600 kilometers an hour. Blasted across Japan. That would be great. Yeah. And it could hold your laptop. That's right. Double travel. You go past the Shinkansen

like that two tracks next to each other, obviously. Yeah. You travel 600 kilometers. Obviously, you'd have a hood on. The Shinkansen doesn't go at 600 kilometers per hour maybe they're building one that is going but i think it goes 300 and something yeah but there are i think there are there are some trains in france that go five six hundred

no i think so no i can't i refuse to believe that okay even if you showed me evidence even if you show yeah that's okay that you showed, yeah, that's okay. That's all right. I understand that. I was thinking today about how the best conspiracy theory is the one about Paul McCartney from The Beatles being dead. It's just, it's just, it's incredible. Do you know this one? I know that one and I know there's one about Avril Lavril lavigne as well i believe that she also is dead and was replaced well that one's i mean it's not quite as good because what i love about the

paul paul mccartney one is that he died and they replaced him with someone who looked exactly like him and is as good, if not better, at music. Yeah. Like an even more iconic songwriter. At what point was he supposed to have died? What's the one where they're walking across the road? Abbey Road. Before Abbey Road. Okay.

And that's right, and he's walking barefoot, which is supposed to be him. Because you go walk into Hades barefoot or something like that. Yeah. He gets buried barefoot or something like that. But why would they let people know? Why would they leave clues? Why would they put clues in there?

Why are they trying to communicate it? Well, that, I mean, that's a, that's, it is another great element of, of,

of conspiracy theories where they look for clues and they find clues that could only be there if people were leaving them for clues. Like there was one in the QAnon thing about a woman whose surname was Chandler and they were like, see, see handler, child handler. Yeah. Like it's right there. It it's in plain sight child handler

and to get to that any word that has the letter c in it see you're already like on look yeah like they have to stop using the letter c in anything otherwise you're like see what's happening there yeah child they're they're rubbing it in our faces Yeah, like they have to stop using the letter C in anything. Otherwise, you're like, see what's happening there? Yeah. Child, they're rubbing it in our faces. Smith. Sex myth.

Wanting to have sex with adults is a myth. I get it. I know what they're trying to say. They're everywhere, these sex myths. Anyway. I mean, a lot of the stuff like that, I remember some of the... There was some guy who used to be in the comedy scene here

who was posting a lot of stuff that I was following during COVID and stuff. And one of the ones was like they were looking at some website of Bill Gates' stuff. And in there they had – in the document they said there was something about the population of the earth in however many years. And they were like, that's less than there are now. And I can't remember exactly what they were getting.

But they were like, see, they're planning to eliminate most people yeah they're like i don't think that's what it means and i think and again if they were yeah they wouldn't put that in the document exactly and and and almost all conspiracies were were born out of that it seemed like like they were like it's you misunderstanding a document and then elaborating some huge theory out of it um it's fun times i mean i guess you could read uh you know the back of a shampoo bottle and come up with lots of conspiracies i don't know what that what information is there was a good um just to bring it back to the Beatles replacement thing, there was a really good interview I saw with Pete Best, who was in the Beatles. I think he got replaced by Ringo.

Yeah, that's right. They were called the Quarrymen or something early on. And so he's just like this jaded, angry man who could have been in the Beatles but wasn't. It would be so infuriating. But he's promoting his own music and he's on um the david lederman show and he's like and david lederman is like you know what was it like you know growing up with um john lennon and being in these those early days like you must have so many incredible stories and like everyone is

like the audience is so keen to hear like you know a story about like young john lennon and growing up in liverpool like this everyone is so keen for whatever he says and he just tells this like long story about him and john lennon painting a roof and uh john lennon they were meant to do uh like gloss paint but john had used matte paint by mistake and there's like no jokes nothing happens and then he just ends it was like there's gloss paint but he was using matte paint like pause like that's this big reveal and it's just this amazing moment where it's like letterman and everyone in the audience like collectively understands at the same time it's like oh this is why you're not in the beatles you just fucking suck like you have no charisma it's not fun to be near you like you got nothing

but also need to be cool and interesting to be in the beatles that i mean stories about the beatles before they were the beatles it's not interesting it's when they were the beatles that was interesting yeah like that's what you're discovering, right? These guys who were like the most coolest and most interesting people in the world. What was it like before they were that? Ah, less cool and interesting. Yeah.

Oh, well. That is true. But I think like, I feel like you could get something more than just the type of paint john lennon used one time well some huge reveal in your story yeah what how is there a sketch in this because i do i do love i mean i think that there actually is that is essentially a sketch like but but that you could almost just do that as a bit of stand-up, that kind of thing, where it's like everybody realizing.

Because I almost would picture Letterman actually going, oh, okay. Because Letterman is so funny at sort of not putting up with any of that bullshit where it's like, Jesus Christ. What was that line he used on... Joaquin Phoenix, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight. Yeah, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight. Yeah, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight. That's the best line ever.

Incredible. But, I mean, I wonder if it comes down to Pete Best going on the show and sort of not being prepared, mentally prepared, to be asked questions about the Beatles. Yeah, yeah. He was like, I don't reckon I'll get asked about that tonight. I won't gear up for it i'll just go in and assume that they do genuinely just want to hear about my my music my new music

i'm doing with the pete best trio was it i think it's a real like good benchmark for success where like big tonight show programs are interviewing someone you kicked out of the band like 30 years ago that's still like your flame has been burning bright enough they're still getting on tv some reflected glory yeah yeah i like i remember watching the metallica documentary and there was a guy who was in like what would have been the second biggest band at the time? It was like, you know, anyways, I can't remember exactly which one it is. But he was basically. Pantera? It might have been Pantera.

It could have been, yeah, something like that, right? How about this? Pantera Bread. Now, it's Panera Bread that was dropped from America that I don't know anything about. Yeah, yeah. I'm listening. But it's Panera. Sorry. Anyway, carry on. That is more something than anything. This was just like, this guy was looked

over for being in this band. For being in... Right. I think I have heard about this. For being in Metallica as the singer or whatever like that. And then he, that bothered him so much. He went and started another band that became like the second then he that bothered him so much he went and started another band that became like the second biggest band in heavy metal and he was still unhappy about not being in metallica yeah but but i mean again but again metallica wouldn't have been

what it is if you were in it exactly and you made something that was you know maybe some people thought was better yeah what is this bread what is this bread do you know anything about this bread no i think it's interesting though like there's so many references like that where i'm in the same boat as you where i know them from well it's matlock again comedy and podcasts and american culture that you get in but then it's just like i couldn't describe if it's a restaurant or a type of bread or a flavor that you would put on bread. Like I didn't know the word Panera Bread. I think we should come up with an American podcast. We should start doing an American podcast. Yeah.

It's just called the American podcast. American podcast. And we just, it's just mostly just mumbling. Yeah. Right? Incoherent sounds. We just go. American podcast And we just It's just Mostly just mumbling Yeah Right Incoherent sounds We just go No no We just make up

Our own American culture But then sometimes We say Pantera bread I think it's just It has to be listenable It's gotta be all those References that you don't Quite know

It's like man I was having a Three Musketeers bar Down at Epcot Center The other weekend And just all those just all those genuine references or are you just making those up they're like ah you know i was down at the um the red lobster uh getting the i don't know i'm trying to think of some more on 7 and 42nd street yeah on the corner

of 42nd and third i do like that idea that idea of the streets just having numbers. Yeah, it's a grid, so you can navigate just using the streets. Is that what the U2 song, Where the Streets Have No Name? Is that what that song's about? They have a number. Where the streets have no name and just a numeric symbol. That's probably it, isn't it? It's just about New York City.

I don't think so. I really doubt it. I'm sure he was being metaphorical in some way. I don't give anybody credit for being smarter than they are. I reckon that that would be exactly what that's... No, I think it's smarter to say what i just said which is that i know that's what i'm saying i'm saying that i don't reckon it's smarter than that i reckon i i think by not saying by that i mean new york city right but i like i i would

every time i listen to lyrics they they're worse than I've ever – It's true that lyrics are really bad. Yeah. Like they're almost always – Even the things that are the best lyrics, I would go like, you know, what's his name? Your boy won some Nobel Prize or whatever it was for literature for lyrics. And if you listen to them, like still, you kind of go, like there's some nice lines in there, but you also go,

this is all bullshit. There's a lot of garbage. There's a lot of like, you know, it means nothing because it's just all images. Well, I was listening to Rocketman recently. Yeah. Elton John, fantastic song. Now, lyrics by Bernie Taupin, I believe, right, his longtime collaborator.

And when you've got a guy whose only job is writing the lyrics, right, you're just writing the lyrics and then Elton is going to make them sound incredible. Yeah. Okay. But you'd think, you try and lift your game. So in Rocketman, the lyrics are, Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids in fact it's cold as hell and there's no one there to raise them if you did like within the one sentence it doesn't make sense yeah if you if you were raising your kids

on mars there would by definition be someone there to raise them. You. But that's not the world that he lives in. You're raising your kids. Probably got a nanny or something like that. Okay, so that's what it's about. I don't know. You can't get good help on Mars. I mean, you don't raise your kids when you're

in this kind of class. That's why Elon's not creating a paradise for billionaires to go to. It's actually a much worse place to live. Yeah. People think that billionaires are going to try to escape to Mars. No. I mean, it would make much more sense for the billionaires to ship everyone else off to Mars.

Yeah, exactly. That's much more likely that they're going to ship us all to there. Is there a sketch? Have we done that before? No, I don't think so don't think i had a nightmare that was kind of that once i think that's i mean i'm sure i'm sure something like that has been done in the sci-fi genre like the idea of like yeah we're all going to we're all going to mars everybody kids in the car we're all going to mars yeah and then you blast them off and you're like actually well like a wall stay here like a wall where they're like oh we just got to clean up the earth right and then we'll make it livable again and then you get them up up into space and you go

finally we can live here you just crash it into the moon or some shit like that because you got to get everybody to willingly get on there so you got to make it yeah it's going to be like a like a three-month holiday it's going to be great we're all going up into space we know what we're doing things like that and then you just like i don't you just you decompress the whole thing yeah you know look we're we're all getting in all the billionaires we're all getting into one just like you they're going through one meanwhile it's just like a cardboard cut out in the stairs just go back down the other side you know they walk up the stairs and then you know back down the other side like i said there's another set of stairs that go down the other

side they go down those so they go up the stairs at the front yeah cardboard cut out of a big rocket ship yeah okay painted very realistic so it looks 3d get one of those old screen oh yeah this is like a wily coyote style exactly yeah perspective trick or whatever okay they go through the door yeah and then i guess there's a sheet or something so people can't see through and see that there's just like a forest on the other side or whatever and then some more stairs probably the equivalent number of stairs just going back down the other side and then maybe a bus or uh something to take them away yeah to a different location.

You know what would be good? This is all you need, right? You need the cardboard cutout. Yes, great. Okay. Do you need me to describe that in any detail? No, no, I think that's really good. I think we've already nailed that.

Okay, you need that. Because if you wanted to do this on a budget, right? You want to get rid of everybody in the world on a budget. I mean, they didn't get to be billionaires by spending lots of money. No, exactly. No, no. I think you'll still need to spend some money. Sure, sure, sure.

Okay, so then, but maybe you can somehow trick the government into doing it, into paying for it. Right? And then you create this injection. That's how you get to be a billionaire. Right? So then, once you get through the door, you've still got to have like a nice tunnel. Yeah. A very spaceship-y tunnel.

Oh, like silver foil. Silver, maybe some white. Yeah. Maybe some silver lining. Lights coming from behind things. Yeah, maybe some white. Yeah. Maybe some silver lining. Lights coming from behind things. Yeah, yeah. And then in there, there's somebody there, they're going to, oh, we've got to give you your space sickness injection.

Yeah, to stop the space sickness. To stop the space sickness. Yeah, not to give you space sickness. No, no. And they make that clear. Thank you, space sickness injection. This is the exact word for word script the first giveaway yeah to convince people and then and then but what's in it is actually by the way also if there's one thing we've learned

really easy to convince everybody on earth to get an injection yeah yeah maybe we can also do it as a gas sure yeah but then uh what's actually in it and this is the trick here is a chemical that is this the prestige is this what we would call the prestige it's a chemical that makes you want to kill yourself oh no so then you come out and then you go oh it's actually just the forest on the other side there's doors that close and it's very soundproof so you don't hear people saying that a chemical that makes you want to kill yourself so is it just like lapsang souchong tea then what's that mean? It's just tea that I don't like. It's a really bad

tea. So bad that you want to kill yourself. Wow. That's crazy. Even if injected into you. That's right. Well, it gets to the brain quicker. Because then they go on the other side and they realize, oh, it's just a forest or whatever. And then they go kill themselves in there, right?

But then, your hands are clean, right? You you didn't kill nobody you're the billionaires you're you're you've got no guilt on your conscience like that and so then they just go they all did it themselves like that and then also you're saving money you don't have to actually send people over to space it's just all right that's a lot of fuel of i mean it's a crowded forest with the trees people hanging themselves on the trees but you're sleeping like a baby you know and all you did was invent a toxin that makes you want to kill yourself and inject it into everyone they decided i never make you want to kill yourself i mean a lot of people want don't do it don't do it i would say don't kill yourself even if you want to kill yourself. I mean, a lot of people want a lot of stuff. Don't do it. Don't do it. I would say don't kill yourself, even if you want to. Oh, what, are you going to arrest me for making a thing

that makes everyone got what they wanted? Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, yeah, here you go. Yeah, I'm the bad guy here. Here's my hands. Put the handcuffs on them, I suppose. I mean, I did this terrible thing. If I i did this terrible thing then i should want to kill myself and i do but i'm not gonna do it you see now everyone let's go around the group and everybody

say what they think would have been a funnier answer to a chemical that makes you want to kill yourself that lapsang souchong tea okay i was really my mind was racing and i had to come up with something lang sang sushong that's lapsang sushong tea you seem to know it very well for somebody who dislikes it okay okay now alistair you well you if you think you could do better you say a chemical that's a funnier thing bleach okay that made me laugh more but i don't know if it's because it's necessarily funny yeah jack trees it's definitely one of those things where it's like i'm glad you got in there because it's it's like such a like a placeholder for insert joke absolutely yeah yeah but then i was confronted with the fact that it's like i don't know any chemicals chemicals no but i mean you can you

know what i did was like you can just pick something that you know you personally dislike so like um i guess you know like you could say like fucking Marmite or something like that, I suppose. Yeah, something like a bad TV show. A bad TV show, yeah. I mean, do they give out Lux Listing Sydney as a chemical these days? You could say something like that. Yeah, yeah, That kind of thing. Heroin?

Heroin. That's the thing. I don't think that does make you want to kill yourself. I think it makes you want to stay alive so you can do more heroin. Yeah. Gives you a reason to live, probably. I just want somebody to stand up about that? About fentanyl? And they're like a hundred times stronger than heroin where people are like,

like the idea that like heroin was like some real pussy thing to have. Like they've made this other thing that is a hundred times more. I don't know. I just want a little soft buzz. Yeah. Somebody to stand up or something on that. That's funny. Yeah. I got work in the morning, so I'll just have heroin. I just want a little soft buzz. I just want somebody to stand up or something on that. That's funny, yeah. I got work in the morning, so I'll just have heroin.

I'll just have heroin. I'll have a night off of the fentanyl. We have five sketch ideas. So I think we could go to three words from our listeners. I don't know if you know this, Jack, but we have listeners. Oh, yeah. And sometimes people who submit to our patreon can submit uh three words they submit money and then they can submit three words and three words uh and today's listener is jake smith jake smith jake smith i could be saying that incorrectly could be jockey um sex myth Sex myth Oh no Jack A

Sex myth All the pieces Are coming together Yeah All of it Jack A Of course That's short for

Jack Affay Forget it I'm so sorry everybody Do you want to try to guess I mean I don't know if you want to If you want the assistance

Of Jack Drews To help Yeah no I mean I'd love that It's great to have Three words from a listener could be. Yeah, sure. If we could work together, we'll get this done a lot faster.

I would assume it's a word that describes something in nature would be my assumption. Okay, great. You could be close on this first one. Yeah, I'm going to say symbiosis. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No! No! Fuck! it's gizzard wow that's absolutely a thing in nature great work jack you're good at this okay do you want to give me a clue for the next one i'll try

try and do better um uh i think it's gonna rhyme with gizzard yeah you don't use the word gizzard unless you're rhyming it with lizard. What's the, there's a band that's like the- King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard. Yeah, I think there's doing some kind of switcheroo on that maybe. Well, can I just step in and say that Andy has already said it? Gizzard, lizard, wizard? Andy, that is all three words.

Yeah. That is all three words. That. That is all three words. And that's because Jack's here. Yeah, I know. Together, sure. It's incredible. It is so much easier with two people. Yeah.

Jack did all the guiding. Yeah. And you did all the guessing, except for that really bad guess. What was that? Symbiosis. Symbiosis. Oh, that's from man.

You know that that comes from man symbiosis symbiosis when two relations two things in nature have a relationship that's man's attempt to understand nature sure what do you think the word gizzard is oh very good you got me gizzard lizard wizard yeah i, all those... Is there, do you know, could you name a single gizzard? Is it a specific type of bird or is it a thing that... I think it, is it just a word for the, like, the bits in a chicken that you would throw away? I think it's like...

Is that giblets? Maybe that's giblets. What's a gizzard then? Maybe that's giblets What's a gizzard then? I remember walking around It was like some area in like I think I was in London maybe And I was walking around and there was like some area

Where it was all like chicken shops And they kept advertising gizzards And I'd never seen that anywhere else But it was like that they were selling gizzards at their shops Yes we do sell gizzards Yeah mate we got gizzards here You after some gizzards? Okay, gizzard in many birds, the hind part of the stomach,

especially modified for grinding food. Wait, modified for grinding food? Or for grinding food, like food that is ground. Wait. Okay, wait. It's located between the sac-like crop and the intestine. The gizzard has a thick muscular wall and may contain small stones Okay, wait. It's located between the sack-like crop and the intestine. The gizzard has a thick muscular wall and may contain small stones or gastroliths that function in the mechanical breakdown of the seeds and other foods. Is this like how a bird can swallow stuff whole and then it just grinds it?

We're chewing at the beginning part of eating food. Are they doing that, like... Well, they don't have teeth, right? They've already gumbled it up and then they're grinding it up once it's in their belly. What? So, they got, like, a mortar and pestle in there? Yeah. Like, they literally swallow stones, right?

And then they go down into their guts and they grind them around in there. So, it's just, like, from moving around the stones? Sure, sure. So, it's essentially erosion? Do they use erosion for... I think it's, you know, like a rock tumbler. Yeah. Like moving around the stone? Sure, sure. So it's essentially erosion? Do they use erosion for... You know, like a rock tumbler. Like a rock tumbler. Hell yeah. That's awesome. Oh, well then...

I mean, you could do that if you had all your teeth taken out, right? And you just put some rocks in your mouth. Yeah. And you could just work them around with the tongue to grind up the food. But could you just swallow a bunch of razor blades? Yes.

You know? Yes. That's the answer. Listeners, yes. Have a big meal and go running? If you wanted to digest it properly, you could do that. You know, I mean, surely you could just line your stomach with something, you know, like Kevlar or something your stomach with something that's like you know like

kevlar or something like that i know a lot of the absorption of food probably occurs through the lining do you think that those um rodeo guys they probably don't have to chew food as much because it probably does get like worked around in their stomach when they're getting all that bouncing someone probably drops a whole fish into their mouth like a pelican and then they get on that horse and grind it up in their stomach. Sure. Or one of those, a mechanical bull. Yeah. I mean, see, this would be a great dining option, right,

is that you go to a restaurant where you don't have to chew anything. Yeah. The seats around the table, first they give you a couple of razor blades and some rocks. Yeah. You swallow those and then you get on a mechanical bull at the table there and you put things whole into your mouth. You don't chew them up and then it works it around in your gizzard.

Yeah, in the finest French restaurants, like the top Michelin chef's table style ones. They just get all the foods, prepare it in front of you, you get to smell it and everything, and then they sort of push it all into like a big capsule and they slide that down your throat. Oh, we love a food capsule on this show. We've pitched a lot of creative restaurants that involve food capsules,

but I feel like you're saying this like it's a very high-class restaurant. I think this would be for a new kind of low-class restaurant where the food is so bad and so ill-prepared that actually any kind of chewing or mouth experience is a detriment to the overall food. It's like the next stage in fast food. Like McDonald's was like it's just quick and easy, you know, just order it up, we chuck it to you, where it's like the next level of that where it's like this isn't this doesn't

even taste like anything you won't taste it it'll get ground up in your stomach it's like it's like that idea of the future where you swallowed a pill right but this is you still swallow the full size food yeah like but maybe it's like full sardines where you just kind of like because it's like all slippery and stuff you just dip it in an oil yeah it's a dipping oil yeah and then you can just like like that and so it's called oilies they give you anything oilies no well the restaurant's called oilies okay right yeah they give you basically anything and they've got the special they're patented oilies oil but if you're on a diet yeah they do have a sort of a water-based lubricant that you can swallow your food yeah like that well it's not it's not a food oil it's a it's a it's a um it's a motor oil it's an engine grade oil it's a crude oil because that

way we don't have to spend all the energy refining it and things like that they just kind of maybe they you just get zapped like youapped. You get electrodes placed on your ears or on your brain as you go in. Or maybe just kind of like the person behind the counter has a bit of a taser. And it just shocks your brain and turns off the ability to experience flavor for like 10 minutes.

And then you just like, you open your mouth and they just kind of like some motor oil into your mouth or crude oil yeah then what's the what's the what's the advantage of this again i'm losing sight of what why this is so you don't have to waste all that time chewing your brain and then you put in your razor blades as well yeah because instead of instead of like um you know you said giving you like because there's a lot of that single use plastic we're gonna get rid of that okay that's just like you just get like two or three razor blades that will then just slide down in yeah like that and then you only need to use those those are good for really hating the the all the swallowing razor blades talk by the way like a sausage or

they give you like a sardine or whatever like that and you just slide it down through the... And then maybe they strap you into like one of those seats at like a 4D cinema where you get like the rumbles and the thing and rumble you up until it's all digested. Like that, yeah. And then you're good to go. Or they give you a pogo stick to go back to your car.

What about this? The only way to get to and from our restaurant is it's like an off-road track. And you're not allowed an off-road vehicle. You have to have like a normal commuter car. Yeah. And you drive. It's just like. It's part of the fun of it.

Is that you just ride in this crazy. Over the ruts. Yeah. By the time you get home, it will have all ground up in your stomach. Sometimes it feels like some dirt roads have created a natural, like, weird rib. It's the corrugation. It's the corrugation. Have they put that in, or does that just happen through...

No, no, that is created by, like, the same process, I guess, that would create the ripples on the bottom of a, you know, those little dimples that you get on the bottom of the water kind of thing. Yeah. But this is from the… It's like a resonant frequency of the wheels going over the bump. So, if you start off with a little bit of a bump, right, then the car will go over that, up and down, right, and put you know at the exact point that we created again right and then you got another you get another car coming along just doing that over two bumps to create the third bump and they're all going at the same speed you know yeah i think it creates a

that's what it is everybody's driving perfectly in unison at the speed limit i love that because i remember no this is so boring it's not funny in any way but when we were when i was at uni and we were designing a little car we had to make sure that the resonant frequency of the suspension was not the same as the resonant frequency of the car because then they could combine and create a oh my god superposition that makes the car jump up in the air? Oh, wow. That actually sounds really cool. I would like that. A car that jumps up in the air.

It sounds like something Tesla would be into. Yeah. But not the car. Sounds like the man himself. The man, yeah. He was all about the resonant frequency. He loved the resonant frequency. Right, Jack?

Absolutely. Jack, do you think that the human... I mean, it's so fucked. ...the human lizard razor blades for the tiny fast food restaurant is something? Yeah, what are the other words, though? Yeah. Wizard and lizard.

Well, it's a magic place. It's a magical experience. I mean, the gizzard wizard does sound like a thing that you would swallow to help your body digest food. Yeah. Right? You would see that marketed daytime TV, the gizzard wizard. It's a thing. It's got little rotating blades or whatever.

You swallow it down and it's – you know how like at a certain point it seems like a lot of the marketing towards older people becomes about being like being regular with your stools? Yeah. I don't know when that kicks in, when I'm supposed to start worrying about that. When they say regular, is this just exclusive? Is it basically just a way of saying don't get constipated i think it just means pooping every day you're gonna get to poop every day yeah right i mean i don't even know if i'm regular at the moment i don't really keep track but i assume that if you're not right it's one of those things where if you're not regular you know right and you're out there hanging out to be regular yeah and then you're out there what

but you're uh i i don't know okay i can't remember what i was gonna say but but so then you yeah you can market like idea idea is something that helps you digest which i take for granted at this point yeah um anyway yeah a uh a gizzard wizard would would i think totally sell it to the where everything we just described with this restaurant it's called the um gizzard wizard but the wait the third one wasn't king was it no of course yeah okay well i was going to say they could be it's like an infomercial for that but it's a king doing it but i guess now it's a lizard doing so our mascot is a lizard and he's uh the lizards presenting is like hey has this ever happened to you and then the picture is someone just enjoying a meal normally well forget about that. And then you just spend like five or ten minutes explaining everything

with the oil dipping and the taser and the razor blades. I think that's really good. And I think what's nice about it is that you're watching this and you're like, geez, they've done a good job creating that 3D animated lizard. And then we cut to in the studios and we see that it's actually a for real lizard that has invented this product. Yeah. And is selling it to humans. Because it seems like something that would come from such a limited understanding of humanity and what they desire.

That it could have been invented by a lizard. Yeah. It's like a lizard learned to talk and they were like this is incredible we were talking lizard what we what do you want to do lizard and he's like i am an i'm an entrepreneur i got a big business and we're like well we're not gonna not make this business talking talking lizard of course we're gonna support you yeah yeah of course I'm going to invest money into this talking lizard. Do you have a bank account yet? Because I need to give you some of my money. Love it.

Love that. I think we did it. So I'm going to take us through the sketch ideas for today. Apologies if some of them don't sound like they're sketches. Could the honk, if you're a horny phenomenon, be linked to thinking that the honk will make you come? This is not quite... It's what you're expecting.

Yeah, and then extrapolating to bigger honks and Andy's actual horniness. I think the thing about cars and not having ears is really promising, and I'm looking forward to turning that into a sketch then we got crazy frog is the greatest new superhero of the 20th century and then we when we're pitching i guess a an actual superhero movie and joint getting them to join into the um man did you sorry did you write down um the crazy frog uh like blackmail system where there's's just a switch that you can pull

that turns the character into the Crazy Frog if enough people get angry at it. I think that's really funny. Sorry, I got lost in all that. I mean, yeah. Fuck those fans, eh? Isn't it interesting how they've turned out to be the worst thing about movies?

People who like them. Yeah, yeah. It's a real shame. Oh, well said. Then we have the Maglock genitals for fans of Matlock. Yeah. That's the detail that really gets that over the line for me. Then we have the Delclose magnetic back

for holding laptops in transport. Then we have the billionaire scheme to rid the world of people using the fake ship and injecting people with chemical that makes them want to die. God, that's funny. God, that's a funny idea. Their hands are clean. And then we got the human gizzard razor blades for the tummy. Fast food restaurant. Has this ever happened to you?

Eats regular meal. You see? And then lizard came up with it. I think that's a really good idea because, you know, those infomercials a lot of the time, they're like, has this ever happened to you? And then there's somebody doing something really fucked that's never happened to anybody. Like, that's not a real problem that anybody has this is the alternate of that which is you're like has this really normal thing happened to you and you but you present it in such a way that it makes it seem like a problem and people there

maybe people are at home sitting in a chair eating food as they're watching it and they're like oh my god that's happening to me right now yeah You've actually increased your potential market by such a huge amount. Because most people haven't, like, clumsily, you know, tried to carry all their possessions up a ladder at once and then, like, have Mr. Bean style. Like, the ladder's all slippery for some reason. Yeah. Fall onto the power lines.

Or they're carrying all their custard up to the top of the ladder, but the custard's leaking out of the plastic bags that they're keeping it in. Pouring all over the steps of the ladder, but the custard's leaking out of the plastic bags that they're keeping it in. Pouring all over the steps of the ladder. A giant 20-litre bag of custard and it keeps piercing holes in it and the custard's going all over the face and their nostrils

and the custard's getting in their shirt and it's pouring on the dog on the ground. So what's the product that we're going to solve that problem? It stays on this for way too long. It's pouring all over the dog dog on the ground. So what's the product that we're going to solve? It stays on this for way too long. I love the dog, by the way. I don't know why I love the dog. The dog's going crazy.

The dog's chained to the bottom of the ladder as well. As the dog tries to run away, it's dragging the ladder across the ground you know you've made a mistake while you're doing it like in tears kind of half apologizing but you're still climbing higher and higher up this ladder i thought it would be good it's like the household custard crane. It is the perfect custard.

It's a catapult. The custard bag on the roof. Lifting basket and it's like a 20 foot high. Maximum height. Maximum reach. We'll get your loose custard on any roof. Guaranteed. And then we cut the footage of the guy using this new product,

and his wife comes home, and she's so happy to see the custard up so high, they start making love immediately. She's clapping, and then they start making love. Clapping and laughing. Yeah, he's kind of like really putting the moves on her. While she continues to clap, he's in her neck and things like that. He starts taking his shirt off and pulling his pants out

and she's still clapping. And clapping. Lipping his lips. The custard crane. Oh, that's the best idea of the entire podcast. So good. Wow.

I love that. Sometimes you gotta do a full episode before you get to the end before you get warmed up. And I think it should also have it stays on the original problematic way of getting custard Sometimes you've got to do a full episode before you get to the end, before you get warmed up. I think it should also have, it stays on the original problematic way of getting custard on the roof for way, way too long before it reveals a solution.

It's got testimonials of people just covered in blood and custard. There are just bruises everywhere. Every day is a living hell for me. I don't remember life before climbing the ladder with the custard i assume it was worse it was better than worse than now oh my custard's too low i now keep my custard in the basement just to make sure i never get this idea again i'll just have a custard straw instead and pierce it in the bag with any kind of you got to get your custard high my custard shower has no has no pressure now i mean yeah i don't i

don't think there's any reason for it i don't think they have any motivation for it just just getting up there you know i mean there are there are products obviously that you have to store below a certain temperature i don't think there are products obviously that you have to store below a certain temperature. I don't think there are any products that you have to store above a certain height. I guess except for in flood prone areas. Of course. Yeah, some things have to be stored above sea level.

Yeah, that's true. Babies. Yeah, babies. Babies, friends. Exactly. I think we're winding down now, aren't we? babies yeah babies babies friends yeah exactly these friends are babies I think we're winding down now aren't we

yeah so should we do the song bit June 29th Comedy Republic please come please buy a ticket June 29th

code word crucy tickets comedyrepublic.com on my twitter or whatever please come no but let's let's say that one more time say it again Jack sure word, Groosey. Tickets, comedyrepublic.com or on my Twitter or whatever. Please come. No, but let's say that one more time.

Say it again, Jack. Sure. June 29th, I'm recording Best Of Stand-Up Show at Comedy Republic in Melbourne. It's right in the city. It's a great venue. It's going to be an awesome show. You can get 50% off with the code word, Groosey. Please do that. Please

buy a ticket. that would be great have you ever tried the nickname jd because you've got the coolest two initials um i've been given a few i don't think you can try a nickname no people uh well you've but you've moved countries so like you you are one of those people who would have had the option to like do a hard reset and come in with a totally new personality and indeed a new nickname um no i get i get drucy a fair bit but not i don't get jd a lot though no you're not you know i don't see you as a jd i just wanted to know like that option's there if you ever want to like get a leather jacket what about dw i know like i know that they're not your initials like Like the girl from Arthur.

I think that you do kind of come across more as a DW. Not her specifically. But could we, could you, I know you can't give yourself a nickname, but could you give yourself a different last name? Yeah. What about that also a different first name, right? Yeah, well, you could change. Move Drew's up.

Move Drew's up to. Yeah, if I was to change my name to Drewse Winchester. Yeah, or Drewse Wack. That's actually an incredible name. Yeah. It's a good like old-timey author name. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but yeah. I'd follow him anywhere.

Yeah, me too. We've got a war for Drewse Winchester. Drewse Winchester. Yeah, I like that. Then people call you DW. Yeah. Because it's also, Drewse Winchester yeah i like that then people call you dw yeah because it's also druce winchester does seem like somebody who has dignity and so then giving you a kind of like cheap nickname like dw kind of is more fun that's it that's cool yeah yeah what if what if i went by jd winchester and then people was like what i, oh, it's short for Jack Drew's Winchester. But you can call me DW.

People call me DW. Yeah, I like that. I'm going to do it. You're going to do it? I'm going to do it, yeah. All right, great. Okay. Well, thanks, everybody.

Thanks, guys. We appreciate you listening to the podcast. I'm going to try and put a link to Jack's show down below in the show notes. That's a really great idea. And maybe a link to some of your Twitter so people can watch your sketches. No, your YouTube. Yeah, yeah. Either one is great.

That would be awesome. Don't you check out Jack Drew's Twitter. You stay away from me. You stay away. That's Jack Drew's Twitter. I don't know why people keep looking at my Twitter.

That's my Twitter. All right. We love you. Bye.