Two In The Think Tank - 34 - "COMEBACKS TO COMPLIMENTS"

Episode Date: February 7, 2014

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Boom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boom. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Boom. I totally agree. You are listening to Two in the Think Tank, and this is the show where we try and come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy, and... I am Alistair. Yeah, and thanks for listening. Hey, I remember when I was really young. No, you don't. You know I went to primary school in French, right? Yes, but not in France.

No, not in France. Just in French. In the country of French. And I had an English teacher, and I remember it was about year five. Already this is confusing. So many languages. And he said the word idea. Yeah. And I, in my And he said the word idea. Yeah. And I, in my mind, had always heard idea. So I always thought

there was an R in there. And then he was going idea, idea. Like that. And it didn't make sense because there's no other words that have the IA. It's very Latin-y. IA. Idea. Bodicea.

No, that's not. Is that an actual word? I believe she was a warrior princess from Britain. Really? Yeah, but I think actually her name might have like an O-E-A or something at the end.

So that's even more difficult and irritating. And probably that's why they didn't teach you about her in your English class in French. Yeah, well, they didn't teach us about her. So you learned English as a second language? Well, no, I already knew both languages. I never really wrote in English until I came to Australia. Really?

Yeah. So did you struggle to learn to write in English? Was that hard? No. Getting spelling and stuff? Because I could read and stuff like that. So it was really easy. Yeah, I just never really did it.

You never did it, and then you sat down, and you're like, ugh. And plus, English and French, they have a very similar alphabet. Well, they're actually the same language. Yeah, that's what they don't tell you in the end. That's when you go along to French class, they say, well, congratulations. Now we're going to tell you they're actually the same language. Now let's just sit around and have croissants for six years. Don't tell anyone who isn't in this class.

Let's keep it a little on the DL is french for dl well what you don't actually realize is that they are the same language but there's just a lot of double ups in word meanings right and so that's why a lot of people they just teach you the the one half which they call english yeah okay which which doesn't have as many double still a lot of like synonyms and things like that mean about the same thing but they feel like it's ridiculous to teach you all the other ones that are kind of like French. Right. Actually, that's all that all languages are. It's just basically copies of words.

They're just limited versions of the same language. So, like, the French word for bread is pain. Is that right? Pain. Pain. But that's actually also one of the English words for bread. Yeah. But we just don't teach it.

And so because we don't bother to teach it, we actually just take that same word, pa, and just pronounce it a little bit different, pain, and then we use it for something else. Bread is pain. Yeah. Guys, bread is pain. Life is pain.

So is bread. So is bread. So is bread. That was, I believe, the Buddha sitting there just eating those carbs. Yeah. Oh, man. I mean, if all you had was bread, I imagine after a while you would start to realize that bread is pain. You know, he went through various phases, right? Yeah.

For a while he was just focusing on his breathing. Yeah. For a while he would was just focusing on his breathing. Yeah. For a while, he would just focus on his insides. And then for a long time, he was just focusing on bread. I mean, it's the same kind of singular-minded kind of idea, and it's still meditation. Yeah. Do you reckon he got his 10,000 hours down in bread? Yes.

Do you think he achieved mastery? I believe so, yeah. And it's mostly mastication. Mastication. Yeah, it's mastication mastery. Yeah. Over the... Mastication.

And the problem is that he had mostly white bread, which is sort of those, they're not those whole grain carbs. And that's the result. That's where the pain comes from. That's where the pain comes from. That's where the pain comes from. It was mostly joint pain as well because of those big ankles that he has, those big fat ankles and the big legs that he has to carry around. But that's why he spent so much time sitting. When Buddha said that life is pain, I mean, he wasn't in the best shape.

Yeah. What he really meant was, stairs are a nightmare. Yeah. What he meant was, getting around is horrible because I'm terribly obese. Yes.

Terribly obese. Morbidly obese. I love the expression morbidly obese on the basis that it's like, you are so fat that you're making me think about death. This is morbid.

Yeah. You are making me aware of my own mortality. Okay. Looking at you, I can see the entire struggle of survival summarized in one person. Looking at you try and get into that four-wheel drive. Yeah. I am made aware of the... How finite existence is.

And that bread is pain. Bread is pain. Look, I don't know how I'm going to write that down, but look, I'm going to write... Bread is pain. Bread is pain. So we're making a sketch. I think Buddha sort of...

I think maybe the origins of Buddha's... Did Buddha actually say that? Life is pain? I think so. It's like life is suffering. Life is suffering. Yeah, okay. I think he was probably just in a queue at the post office or something.

He sounds... I think he was probably just in a queue at the post office or something. He doesn't sound like a person who's achieved mastery or who's surpassed the physical world. He sounds like a guy who's really dwelling on inconvenience. Yeah, you've got to stop wanting. You've got to let go of desire and things like that. I picture when he said that, he just ordered something on Amazon and it was going to take like eight days to deliver. And he just sat back and, oh, Jesus. He probably said, Jesus Christ, because Jesus was predated.

They had actually dated, but previously. Previously. Buddha and that. Yeah. Buddha was a... And he said, life is pain. Sorry, I needed to finish my sentence. Yeah. No and that. Yeah. Buddha was a... And he said life is pain. Sorry, I needed to finish my sentence. Yeah, no, that's true.

Yes. Buddha's origin story. Big. Writing big whiny bitch. Big whiny bitch, I think, really summarizes it. Big whiny... B- think, really summarizes it.

BWB. What was I going to say? I've got no idea. I just thought I had a certain amount of sound. I reckon that was probably the length of the sentence that I had planned to say, what I just did there. And so I was still able to get out the same amount of sound, but not perhaps the same quantity of meaning, which is an important thing for politicians to realize, okay? Just because you're talking doesn't mean you're saying anything.

Oh, I think they know that. They know that. In fact, they're probably a lot of of the time, trying to avoid saying anything. Yeah. By talking. Like, you know, when they answer questions that they don't want to answer in interviews, I imagine they are just wishing that they could say, Paul, look, da-dun-da-dee-da-da, da-dun-da-dee-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-dee-da-dee-da-da-da.

Yeah. Well, I think it's in the saying nothing that they accidentally say something. Ah. And then, you know, because, yeah, and so that's when they get into trouble. It's like, oh, you just committed to something. You go, oh, I was just trying to say nothing. I was trying to say words like international, conglomerate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Feeds into the multi. For all Australians. All Australians. Over the top of. Benefits. Board for all Australians. All Australians. Over the top of... Benefits. And for working families. The welfare state. And never mind.

The entitlement generation. The stolen... No, no. Mobile phone. Yeah, mobile phone. Got myself out of that. You see, that's the problem is that

politicians should travel in pairs like that so that one can catch the other one and go like that and he goes

oh yeah oh phew I almost said something yeah you know but the problem is that because they're

lone creatures they're sort of like bears and they travel around and they say things like that like bears that's why bears always travel in pairs.

That's why you always see a pair of bears. One is always keeping an eye on the other one to make sure he doesn't say anything he'd regret. Yeah, he commits to. And that's why bears never say anything. Bears are really good at avoiding the questions because you ask them a direct question, they just sort of scream meaninglessly.

They make great politicians. Yeah, swat at their nose and things like that. questions because you ask them a direct question they just sort of scream yeah endlessly or like they make great politics yeah swat at their nose and things like that is that what they're doing they're swatting at their nose well yeah sometimes you know yeah i mean like with those it's hard you've got big sort of destructive paws yeah and uh it's you know it takes a long time to master the... I don't know, I just lost all the energy. Yeah, no, totally. I wasn't listening. Because I was thinking about the apology to the stolen generation

and all something to do with the apology to the third generation mobile phone. Now, that stolen 3G mobile phone... But look, that was the thing that I just had to say because it was occupying my mind. 3G mobile phone. Third generation stolen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That happened in your head and that's cool.

It happened in my head. That happened in your head. And thinking is believing. So, do you think there's a sketch in that idea? That politicians should travel in pairs? Yeah. They should be travelling in pairs because when they're saying nothing, they accidentally say something and you need one to kind of watch them. Maybe they already

have aides and stuff like that doing that. I'm sure they do, yeah. Like, someone staring at them making a facial expression that they can sort of monitor. Like, just behind the camera? Yeah. And if it syncs, you're like, Yeah. Look, maybe it's not a sketch yet.

Yeah, it's not quite a sketch. And look, to be honest, I think we'd need to heighten it. I think we need to make it like maybe a team of like roving, you know, it would be people who have like a tranquilizer gun or something who can bring someone down before they do too much damage. It's like when an elephant gets into a village and it's got no idea what's going on, sort of barging around, knocking over houses and stuff. And then someone has to come in and tranquilize it and then they drag it back out into the jungle.

I think something like that with a politician that is broken free of its handlers and is like giving press conferences all across a suburb and uh and they call in like a management team who are going to like trap him yeah and bring him back and like you know but is he going into like people's houses and sort of like you know shaking their hands and promising things. Yes. Promising things. Oh no, he's got loose. And he's made over,

it's been estimated he's made over $200 million of commitments all across the Bayside area. Yeah. And yeah, I think it's like, it's that kind of thing, but it's like,

it's the buddy system. You need to pair them up. So they need a buddy system so that it's like, you know, kids at a lake, swimming, stuff like that, that you get out everybody got your buddy because you know yeah and so somebody turns around and their buddy's gone oh oh oh no and it's there and you look off and you see him over there and he's like shaking the hands of some people giving somebody a big

check yeah i don't think politicians ever give a big check. No political commitment has ever come in the form of a large check. Like, we are happy to announce an increase of $5 billion in the defense budget. And then they hand over a big check to take a photo with General Peter Cosgrove. Yeah, that's the thing is that they don't commit that seriously. But this guy's already had a big check printed up. That's how committed

he was. He can't take that money back. This is a big check commitment. That's a big check to make bounce. This is written down.

Yeah, I think there's something about that. Okay, politician escapes from the buddy system and does a, you know,

makes commitments all across the south he should not be approached um because he is very uh let's see he's look he's confused he's lonely and he just wants your vote okay if he comes near you don't be scared he just wants your vote. If he comes near you, don't be scared. He just wants your vote. I can't repeat myself again. It's because Andy has to fill while I write down the ideas. If you ever hear a long period of time where I just try and keep a train of thought

just squeaking along the rails for maybe 30 seconds longer than is justified. What's happening is that Alistair is the slowest writer in the world. He's writing down a bunch of stuff. I wanted to write down, he's already made $200 million worth of promises.

Great. That's nice. It was one of my ideas, so I'm glad you wrote it down. You're allowed to spend time doing that. Andy, I mostly write down your ideas. Oh, stop it. Apparently Samuel Johnson had that.

Samuel Johnson, the guy who compiled the first English dictionary, had a guy who just followed him around and just wrote down the great stuff that he said in conversation. There's a book, you can read a book called The Life of Samuel Johnson, conversation. Really? There's a book, you can read a book called The Life of Samuel Johnson, where it's just like his compiled good bits of conversation. But was he paying the guy, or was it a guy? I think it was just a fan.

Yeah. Imagine dedicating your life to that. First, okay, in order for that to be possible, you would have to be independently wealthy. Yes. You would have had to, let's say, be able to retire by the age of about 35, right? But be upset. I guess you would have to have a condition where you're able to focus on things and just get really obsessed with things.

So something like, you know, he's like, let's say, Kim Dotcom, right? It's basically Kim Dotcom. Who's Kim Dotcom? Kim Dotcom is the guy who invented Mega Upload. Oh, yeah. The company Mega Upload. Oh, yeah. Who started the company Mega Upload, made about 170 million dollars. Okay, but he also developed Flash animation in like the early 90s or something like that. Really?

Yeah. He's the Flash guy? Yeah. That's crazy. And also, I just watched a little Vice documentary on him. He also, at the time of, he got his place rated recently in New Zealand, but he's a German guy. Right.

But he also was the Medal of Honor or something like that, like world champion. Are you kidding? He's just this guy who's capable of focusing on stuff. Yeah. And things like that. But independently wealthy. All those programmer guys. Programmer guys are crazy. But also, you. Programmer guys are crazy. But also, you get really obsessed on certain things. So he's both developed this thing that's made him lots of money,

and then he's like, but I'm really obsessed with Samuel Johnson as well, and I'm going to follow him around. And this is before times, people had invented recorder tapes and stuff like that, and I'm just going to write down all the great stuff he says. I would have, I don't know. I imagine Samuel Johnson probably had a fairly healthy ego,

but I would have felt a lot of pressure. Yeah. The guy standing behind you with a pen going, huh? Huh? Huh? What are you going to say to that, Samuel Johnson? Ah, it's another classic. Another Perler. That's only, it's just another, it just shows how good Samuel Johnson was,

that he wasn't even getting distracted by the fact that a guy was behind him with a pen and a pad of paper, possibly a clipboard, you know, putting pressure on him to constantly be funny. Well, putting pressure on the clipboard. Unless he was writing on his back. Yeah, that's true. I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now. You writing down everything I say is putting me under a lot of pressure. Do you think you could get a clipboard? And that was another brilliant thing that you could find in the book of the life of Samuel Johnson. They say it's the life of Samuel Johnson. They say it's the life of Samuel Johnson. It's the abridged life of Samuel Johnson, because I'm sure he cut out all the pauses.

You think so? I think there's probably another book called The Collected Pauses of Samuel Johnson, or Hesitation. And so it's just different dates written in, and then sort of open quotation marks, dot, dot, dot, close quotation marks. Yeah. Or just, gosh, how to put this. Yeah. I'll be back in a moment. I've got to use the loo.

Use the loo. Yeah. Yeah. That was, people were just really dumb and they hadn't cottoned on to the fact that Samuel Johnson went to the toilet for half an hour before he responded to anything anyone said. And then he would come back with a ream of paper. And a series of witticisms. Yeah. That was a thing that I was talking about. Somebody said something while I was on holiday and I came back to it just a little bit too late. I was thinking about the idea of, you know, when you're doing stand-up comedy and somebody heckles you.

Not that this has ever really happened to me, but somebody heckles you. And like the idea of that it takes you so long to come up with a comeback that you can present it to them in the form of a leather-bound book. Like a full book. Yeah. Like are we talking like how big a book? No, look, it doesn't necessarily have to be a big book. But it's leather-bound book. Like a full book. Yeah. Like, are we talking, like,

how big a book? No, look, it doesn't necessarily have to be a big book. But it's leather-bound. But the point is that it's... It was so long before you could come up with a witty response that you had time to get this thing published.

Yeah. In print. You know? Well, that is a long time. Is that... Did that actually happen in conversation where somebody was complaining that it had taken you a long time to respond?

I complained to myself. Yeah. And then the conversation began. That's good. And then that came up as a topic. And it was hilarious. Yeah. And almost distracted from my hesitation in coming up with a comeback.

Well, that's a good comeback. That's a good comeback. That's a save comeback. That's like the fireman on the bottom of the building holding on to that big trampoline thing when you jump off a building. Yeah. That's what that was. Rescued me. Yeah. See, comebacks to insults are a thing that a lot of people deal with and we talk about it all the time, but nobody ever tells you how to come up with a good comeback to a compliment. Because that's the thing that I struggle with more, you know.

Compliments are a really hard thing. Somebody says, you're great. Yeah, well, you're a fucking idiot. So that means nothing. Yeah, well, your mum's a... Yeah. I don't come to your work and put a dick into your mouth. your work and put a dick into your mouth.

I don't come down to your work and tell you that you're great at sucking dicks. Well, that's good. Comebacks to compliments. Comebacks to compliments. Can we do something with that? Yeah. Look, I'm even going to start writing it down. Start filling. Oh, and we wouldn't call them comebacks.

We'd call them return forwards. And we wouldn't call them comebacks We'd call them return forwards And we wouldn't Put people down We'd pick people up I lifted you up And I carried you around for three minutes It's putting people down I never thought of a put down

As being like when you give a dog A lethal injection or something like that Is that kind of what it's referring to i don't think so no no i guess but i mean it could be linked it could be linked oh let's do you think we should just stay here in speculation land oh speculation land oh look at that huge pile of uncertainty. What's that hanging from the tree of confusion? Oh, look, it's the fruits of ignorance. Don't bite into that. It doesn't taste like anything.

Well, maybe it tastes like apples, but you don't even realize. You're right. Now that you say it tastes like apples, that's sort of forming the idea in my mind that it tastes like apples. I guess it always tasted like apples, and I just didn't have the... Or maybe it just tastes like anything that I suggest. Are you saying I'm impressionable? I'm saying you might be. I probably am. Yeah. If you say it, then I think I probably... Yeah, I'm really impressionable. You're right. is, um... The skin is really thin.

And it's full of, uh... holes. Oh. Andy? Yeah? I need to pee. Oh, really? Can we pause?

Yeah. Sure. Oh, we're so quiet. Oh, no. Yeah, sorry about that. I drank a big 700ml bottle of water right before coming up here. A big 700ml bottle of water. It was a big 700ml. Yeah.

Because it's part of my different theories of stuff. And one of them now is that I can't think clearly unless I'm hydrated. But you also can't think clearly when you've got a full bladder, as we just saw. Yeah. You have to leave to pee. Yeah, I know. So there's just like a window of hydration. Look, Andy, I think that's exactly what the, like, you know, the, who are the ones, the

people who used to negate everything? Oh. Schopenhauer, I think, was one of them. Ascetics? Yeah. Is that them? Yeah, I think so. Stoics?

And they talk about, like, I'm wanting, because what they're trying to get rid of is that constant want of things. You know, you're always wanting food, and you're never free of that suffering, right? And I didn't follow that. I just go, well, yeah, I want, but then I drink, and then eventually I've got a window before I need to want again and push it out. I mean, that's all very well, but surely wanting to be free of want is just another want. Yes. So they don't sound so great to me. Yeah.

I am trying to become free of want by satisfying all my wants. Yeah. And so, you know, in a way mine is more logically consistent because I will have, I'm using want. Yeah. And so, you know, in a way, mine is more logically consistent because I will have, I'm using want. Yeah. To defeat want. That's good. They're using want to want. The want to, by satisfying lack of want.

Yeah. No. I don't know. Lack of want to satisfy want. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Which doesn't make any sense. You can't satisfy want with lack of want. satisfy want. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Which doesn't make any sense.

You can't satisfy want with lack of want. Yeah, but you know what I'm trying to do? Oh. I'll probably come up with an idea and then let go of it in a really short period of time and then just continue with my life. I'll have a theory and then let it fade out. Yeah. Try to get better, but then never accomplish it, but feel fine.

I'm trying to use failure as a path to success. Yeah. Well, it's not a success. It's just a path. I'm not trying to get anywhere. I'm just continuing. I'm allowing time to push me through time. You know, and all that good stuff. One of the great things about time is that it keeps going,

whether or not you do anything. You don't have to feel like you have to get up in the morning and achieve stuff to make time pass. Time will pass regardless. There's always someone else out there making time pass by changing the state of the world. You could lie there and not move and not affect anything okay but time would still move forwards yeah this is a

joke that i came up with the other day right the smallest unit of time is the time that it takes for uh uh for uh pine nuts to go from being golden brown to being completely fucked. And I want to do a thing where I'm on stage, and I say that, right, as a joke. Guys, do you think that there's such a thing as an atom of time? You know, like the smallest possible unit of time?

I think there is, and I think that's the amount of time that it takes for pine nuts to go from being golden brown to being completely fucked. And then I want some balloons to drop from the ceiling, and I want a man from the audience to come up and give me a plaque that says, the most middle-class joke of the festival, and I will hold it up by my head and say, thank you, thank you, my inner suburbanites. Thank you. For recognizing. Yeah, and then they will carry me aloft and we'll all go down to Coco Black. Oh, Coco Black.

Coco Black's probably a bad example. No, actually, I think Coco Black's a decent example. Yeah? Yeah. Because it's kind of like, it's not too hipstery because it's not independent. Yeah, yeah. But it's still a thing like, who needs a $6 hot chocolate? Exactly.

Yeah. Nobody does. It's the middle hot chocolate? Exactly. Yeah. Nobody does. It's the middle of the middle class. Yeah. It's the mainstream middle class. Yeah. Do you think being middle class is a bad thing? I don't know.

Right? People a lot of the time talk about the power of the middle class and how the middle class really wants stuff. Right. They're the ones who who sort of motivate are motivated by sort of greed the most, I think, because they're they're not so poor that they can't achieve anything, that they can't move themselves. Right. But they are not so rich that they can they can still see the very, very well off above them and and want what they have. Yeah. Because I think when you're extremely poor, all you want to do is survive. But when you're middle class, you're surviving just fine. And all you want to do is just have a bit more and then a bit more and a bit more.

So I think that's why they're the ones that politicians can appeal to so easily and be like, hey, guys, you can have a little bit more. And you go, yeah. Yeah. A little bit more. Oh, yeah, I could. I could deal with a little bit more. That sounds hey guys, you can have a little bit more. And you go, yeah. Yeah, a little bit more. Oh yeah, I could. I could do with a little bit more. I could do with a little bit more. I got room for a little bit more here.

But I think maybe everybody thinks that they're doing it a little bit hard. Yeah, that's also a thing. Everybody feels a bit like they're a victim and how they deserve something that they don't, that they can't quite get. But this is the problem is that I say that, but then I go, I don't feel like a victim. You know what I mean? You probably do sometimes. No.

No, I bet you do. But how? Like, maybe you've got some ideas of where. Sometimes, I think sometimes you feel like being, not having having a an australian accent yeah disadvantages you in the career that you want to have yeah but i don't truly believe that i think i say like i've said it a couple of times and like well no but i think that's the only example i can think of by the way so i'm not saying no no like a massive victim but like no i think i think that in a couple of things like i think that in in terms of getting ads that can be a disadvantage yeah you're a real victim of not getting ads and i worry one

of your passions is getting ads yeah getting ads i would love to just do ads give me an opportunity to sell myself out yeah but um i think it's a disadvantage. I think it can be a disadvantage. But I don't think I'm a victim of it. Anyway, look. You're a victim of discrimination, Alistair. I am. People discriminate against you because of your wacky foreign accent.

Yeah. Wacky foreign accent. Look, I'm not accepted anywhere. In Canada, I sound too Australian. Yeah. And in Canada, I sound too American. In Australia. Did I say Canada? Twice?

I don't know. It doesn't matter. Can we do a thing about this thing that I was talking about earlier? Not on the podcast, but about how when you were a kid, you thought you were happy, but then in retrospect, you realized that you just didn't know any better. How can we somehow turn that into a sketch you know like you thought you were you were doing something playing with sticks in the dirt and you thought you were happy but now that you're older and you know about the world you realize that you actually you just you didn't have a playstation

and you just you were just poor yeah you were just poor exactly yeah how you were just poor. Exactly. How can we... Well, it would be like also having intercourse with somebody and you feel like you've just had a really good time. Yeah. And then, you know, it's all done. And then at the end, the person goes, no, that wasn't good. You go, oh. Oh, so I didn't have a good time.

Yeah. It's almost like time travel. It's almost like they've gone back to beforehand and stopped you from having a good time yeah or like or like you're you're rocking out to a song and then somebody goes that's a really bad song yeah you know this is one direction you're like huh oh i didn't enjoy that at all it's yeah well because that was somebody somebody told me about that like that it's like it's like uh if you learn a life lesson later on in life, you kind of go back and you reapply it to all your memories.

Wow, you reprocess everything. Yeah. Oh, that's crazy. I think that's one of the reasons a lot of the time people get very conservative and they don't like new ideas, you know, like things about accepting gay people or whatever then they have to be like oh and oh that's maybe that's not quite it maybe it's a better example is like hitting kids right yeah if uh if they were hit as a kid uh and they find out when they're older

that hitting kids is wrong um they don't want to have to go back through their mind and sort of reprocess all their thoughts as oh my parents were doing a wrong thing to me. Yeah. Something like that. Like, that's a big, you know. Yeah. Or if you had also gone through and hit your kids and then realized that that was a really bad thing, like a study had come out and said, yeah.

And then you're like, well, I'm just angry because my kids turned out fine. Yeah. Yeah. And I turned out fine. So don't blah, blah, blah, blah. Tell me that I could be better without having to to have done anything exactly so how's that a sketch what about like time travel yeah uh and and uh i don't know just like fixing something like that like how can we like really minor stuff where you uh

fixing something like that? Like, how can we, like, really minor stuff where you, no, it doesn't quite work. But, like, minor stuff, like, I like the example of rocking out to a song that you think is really cool

and then finding out that it wasn't cool, okay? Then somehow warping time and space. Just so that you can, so you can go back and just kind of, like, not enjoy it as much. Yeah.

So you don't have to. You're making a real fool of yourself. And then the person comes in afterwards and goes, you were rocking out to that the perfect amount. Yeah. Because that was one direction. You should just kind of sit and stare blankly. Or ironically do something. Yeah.

Yeah. This is a thing that i have actually thought about like people talk about how they have if they had a time machine they uh i'd go back and i'd kill hitler or something yeah if i was if i had a time machine i would go back and i would correct the most minor embarrassing things from my childhood because those are the things that torment me the most like there was a time when i was in grade three and we were in the library now i don't remember anything from primary school at all but i remember this incident crystal clear clearly right and it's the stupidest thing uh we're in in the library grade three right and some slightly older kids were saying cod to each other right right? Hey, COD.

And then, no, COD to you, right? And I was like, hey, guys, what are you doing? And they said, we're saying COD to each other. And I was like, what does COD mean? And there was this girl. She had red hair, okay? And she was pretty hot. And she said, it means corner of death.

And I was like, oh. And then she was like, COD to me. And I thought, well, I better return the favor. And I said, COD to you. And then she said, ha ha, it doesn't mean corner of death. It means come over, darling. And I felt so embarrassed and that's like one of the like the the moments of shame that my mind replays like about once a month is like you really made a fool of yourself in grade three with that cod thing andy make sure you never do that again make sure you never go around using

acronyms that you don't understand, which is why when it comes to the Australian Competition Consumer Commission, I nail it every single time, and Alistair doesn't have

a clue what it stands for. No, it's Australian Competition Commission... Yeah. ...Consumer. So, that's what

I would do. Can we have... Andy, I didn't know that about you, and I'm not sure if we can... Andy, I didn't know that about you and I'm not sure if we can still be friends after you told me that. You said to a girl,

come over, darling. Yeah. Oh my God, year three? Yeah. That was way before you were going to feel comfortable doing that. I still wouldn't feel

comfortable saying come over, darling, to a girl. Would you call anybody darling? Maybe as a joke. Yeah? Yeah. And it's probably all associated. Would you call anybody darling? Maybe as a joke. Yeah? Yeah. It's probably all associated.

Do you want to call me darling right now? Yes, I do. Okay. But put it into a sentence. Don't just say darling towards me. Alistair, my darling? Yes, Andy? I think we should have a sketch

where a man invents a time machine and there's a big fanfare, right? He's revealing it at a thing, okay? And he steps in and sets the dials and shoots off back in time and then there's like... And he's just gone to a point where he was a child, right? And there's some minor embarrassing incident. He corrects that. He comes back to the present and he says

I think we're going to... And then he's homeless. No! He goes back and then he pops back into regular time and then somehow you're completely homeless and you've lost everything. But it's not a joke about the butterfly effect, Alistair. It's a joke about how he invented this machine.

There was a huge fanfare, and all he wanted to do was fix this one dumb thing that he did when he was a kid. Yeah, but it's almost not dumb enough. I like the idea that it's like, oh, I should have got a second pasty. Yeah. Okay, actually, that's a lot better.

Like... Yeah. It just feels like, because it's so important to him... Yeah. And, like, even though... You're right. Even though the thing is stupid, it's still... You can understand how somebody could rationalize it as being important.

Okay. But, like, something dumber... That, yeah. Like, I should have got a second pie. Yeah, okay, no, that is good. Can you write that down? Going back and getting a second sketch. I'm sorry that I did that.

No, no, it's perfect. Unless you're saying that as part of the sketch, darling. Dearest. Yes, Andy Darling. What would you do if you had a time machine honey bunch? Well, look, I would just like to, I'll just get this idea out. Okay. Where it's, so I think he would go, he would eat a pasty, right?

Yeah. So this is, it can just be like a, the guy goes there and he goes, you see him just buying it, eating it. And he goes, I'm still hungry. And then he goes into his garage and he starts just fiddling with stuff and starts building something. And weeks go by and then he's got this machine and he goes in and he goes back in time to when he's walking into the bakery again. And he goes, I'll have two pasties, please. And he goes, I'll have two pasties, please. Like that. And he goes, that's better.

Yeah. Great. Yeah. Maybe like that. And then he goes back to the future and he's homeless. Yeah. I like that. Something.

But it always, The time travel things They're always a problem Because you never know which version Of time travel philosophy you're using Because there's the one where Each one creates a new reality So basically you get to go back And just relive it again

And you don't meet your other self You just get to go back But if you go back to the same one That you just lived in You go back but then you're already standing in line waiting for a pasty you can see yourself yeah and then there's all different ones in terms of whether or not does history sort of correct itself or does it head off down a completely separate path yeah trousers of time that's right and so yeah yeah there's that one where yeah, like you could go back and then you change something, but then you cease to exist because of the change that you made. Yeah.

And so then you start to disappear like in... Yeah, you slowly fade away for some reason. Yeah, because you... Because it takes a... Because the first thing that you lose is your opacity. Yeah. Yeah, you disappear from the feet upwards. No, from the opacity.

I don't know, from the... Yeah, you... I don't know, every second atom or something drifts away. Yeah, look, there's a Photoshop function being applied to you. You start to go transparent. And then you just... But you still have the ability to scream, and that's what's great. If your father or your mother gets an operation

to become of the opposite gender, then they are transparent. Transparent. You have a transparent parent. Yep. Anyway, glad I saw that through. A transparency joke. Andy, glad I saw that through. A transparency joke. Andy, we have to get one more. One more sketch. One more sketch. Okie dokie.

Okie dokie. I have a sketch set in a life drawing class. Okay. But the guy in the middle is drawing everybody around him who's nude. No. Okay, good. No. Okay, good.

The guy in the middle, okay, gets an erection. Yeah. Okay? Mm-hmm. Which is funny already. We're going to be able to sell this. Yeah. We're going to be able to sell this sketch. This is the only marketable one we've done today.

Okay, gets an erection. And so then everybody grabs their erasers yeah and changes he goes ah ah yeah

then okay he loses it again oh no and then everybody goes ah like that

right and then this is the worst sketch. But then what gave him the erection in the first place? That happens again. He gets one. Yeah. What's a spin on that thing?

Because, like, that's such a... Getting the erection in a life-drawing class, right? It's such a sort of obscenely obvious kind of comedy. Right? What's something else that could occur there? Right? That could be in line

with that. Yes. He doesn't get an erection but he receives a delivery from a UPS guy that he's got that there. Maybe he just holds a folder in front of him? No, wait. How do you mask an erection with a small statue of someone

with an erection. But then he gets another smaller statue and holds that in front of their erection. Okay, and then so on and so forth. Until infinity? Until infinity. And it's a meditation on the nature of infinity. That Zeno came up with.

Philosopher Zeno. He gets an erection. Definitely gets an erection. Definitely gets an erection. We see it there fully in the screen. It's clearly an erection. The camera focuses on the erection. Yeah, okay. The camera focuses... On the erection.

On the erection, okay. And then it shows his blushing face. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And then he looks around to everybody who's doing the drawing. Yeah, yeah. And then... Are they all looking impressed? Uh, yes.

And then... And then he starts to... I think... I think he really needs someone to come and stand in front of it and then they also get an erection. It's just a series of erections. No. Or... You can't turn everything into an infinite regression.

No? No. Even erections? Well, this is the... The ways things can go in this kind of a sketch is they can escalate. Yeah. Right? Or they can sort of iterate.

So they can just sort of repeat themselves in some little way. I don't know what else. What other options we have. Right? What, like, what's a funny thing that he could do to break the tension? Could he fart? funny thing that he could do to break the tension could he fart put a little beret on it on his erection not on his fart um like how could this get worse no but like but or or it ends in like the kind Flintstones episode where they just laugh and then it's over.

And he goes like that. So it gets really tense. So he gets this erection. It gets really tense around the place, right, in the room because everybody's like, this is the most awkward thing that could have happened. This is what he doesn't want to happen. And they can see the awkwardness on his face. They can see the awkwardness on there.

And then he just farts and they all laugh. And then it's over. I'm sorry I took us down this direction for this particular sketch. I don't see there's any way we can get out. I mean, the fart is pretty good. Andy, well, I've found it. We've already found it. I'm not going to write it down, but we found it.

Okay, we found the way out of that sketch. It ended with a fart. It started with an erection and it ended with a fart. Well, I mean... It started with an erection, and it ended with a fart. It's an erection joke. And then, also, right at the end, like, while everybody's laughing, it zooms in to the penis, and the, sort of, the eye of the penis... Winks. Winks.

No, let, let... Well, that could be great. If it winks, it goes, wink, like that, and smiles. Or you want it to let out another little fart. Yeah, a little fart comes out of its penis. Like that. And it farts

and then winks. It's a bit tongue in cheek. Yeah. I'm writing it down. Okay, sure. I'm trying to picture Like something that's even Like yeah The way it could escalate

In terms of Is getting more Embarrassing It's like Something about like a Swastika or something Like the His penis bends into the shape

Of a swastika Yeah I don't know Anyway, look, we've written down that one I think it's fine, right? Yeah Good I would like to not apologise to anyone

Yeah For anything ever Great Except to that girl in grade three If you're listening, red-haired girl. I think your name might have been Elizabeth. Yeah. You were two grades above me.

And we were sitting next to the bathtub that was in the library. We had a bathtub in there full of cushions. It was pretty cool. And I said C-I-D to you, and that was inappropriate. But to be fair, you kind of set me up for it. Andy, why would you apologize to her? Well, I need to move on. It was a gag on you.

Yeah. But I felt bad. I felt like I'd done the wrong thing. That you had disrespected her? Yeah. That it was an inappropriate thing to say to a girl. Your actual political correctness is mad. It's gone mad.

Like, that's an actual sickness that you have. Yeah, yeah. Or at least the year three you had. Yep. Great. I'm going to take us through the sketches. Okay, good. So, this is... We got bread is pain. Yep, good.

Life is pain and that's Buddha's original story that life is bread. Yeah. Sure. And basically the Buddha is actually just a big whiny bitch. Yeah. And that's why he's always complaining about pain. Yeah. Because he's obese because he ate all those carbs and he is having trouble walking around. Politician escapes from the buddy system, makes promises throughout a small town. He's already made $200 million of promises and somebody's got to like,

they got to catch him like a sort of elephant. An escaped elephant. Three, we got come comebacks to compliments I don't come down to your place of employment and tell you

how good you are at sucking dicks that's how to come back you know it's hard to come back yeah good compliments

four we've got go back in time and get a second pasty really good I'm really happy with how that turned out. Yeah. That's cool.

And then we've got a life drawing class where the guy gets an erection and then everybody gets tense in the room. And so then he lets out a big fart. Yeah. Right. And then everybody laughs like at the end of the Flintstones. And then there's a close up to his dick and then his dick lets out a small

dick fart. And then winks. And then his dick winks at the screen. Might be the best sketch we came up with. Or ever.

I haven't seen much Tim and Eric. I feel like that's probably the closest we've ever come to a Tim and Eric sketch. Yeah. I think we should

film it. Okay, great. Well done us. High five. And so here we go. Oh. Ah. Thanks for listening, guys.