Two In The Think Tank - 342 - "HIGH FIVE GLOCKENSPIEL"

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Honked Boob Sonata, Dog Feeder Body Horror, Delivery Driver Scam, Reasons to Bee Sad, Coffee Torture IndustryPlease purchase Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereReciprocating multithanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, everybody, and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas. Five sketch ideas. Hi, Amanda. Hi, I'm Alistair Tremblay-Berger. And we are here today. We're going to be using our real voices for this episode.

Okay, I'm going to turn them like this, and the way that everybody's wanted to hear me talk forever. So, now, Andy, we are just coming off the back of about 25 minutes of another episode that didn't work. Yeah, that's right. Once again, and we have released episodes that have this audio glitch but basically my computer was for some reason it was unlistenable we're not afraid to release episodes

that are unlistenable and I want you to know that don't take the fact that we're starting again and not releasing that one as some evidence of us becoming cowards in our old age. Or developing some kind of standards or something like that.

No, no, no, no, no. But, yeah, there's always, you know, it happens, I'm going to say, like maybe once every six months to me. And we don't even need to go into details. No, we don't need to go into detail, but I do want to just explore one of the things that what that experience is like for me, which is because what I see is that on my recording, on my end, I see that, you know, how long it's been recording for. And sometimes I look at that time and I think, oh, Jesus Christ, it can't have been only

10 minutes we've been going for, right? And then I have to go through the mental balancing act of thinking, can I ask Alistair how long it's been going? And will that make it seem like I'm finding our conversation incredibly tedious and dragging? I couldn't imagine that you would picture picture the conversation that you were having with me where we came up with a guy who honks boobs and man boobs of people big and small as an instrument by going honking them and then going with his mouth, honk, honk, like that. And then the thinner ones, honk, honk, like that. I don't know how you would find that in any way tedious.

What I would say is that I might find that interesting as a sketch idea if maybe we could raise the stakes by having it, you know, be one of the world's greatest composers or greatest, you know, performers or pianists or something like that. And doing it just at the height of the Me Too movement. And. Hang on, hang on hang on okay okay so was it deliberate the timing or was it just a coincidence and was there just a moment of crisis where he and his tour promoter looked at each other and thought is our boob honking sonata suddenly going to look bad in the light of the cultural zeitgeist you know i think it's easy with like with visual arts like painting and photography to to be a huge perv that just that does nothing but nudes and stuff, right? And just convince people to get naked in front of you, right? And it'd be considered art, but it's so much harder in music.

Oh, I mean, definitely people do get naked in front of you in music, but normally it's because you've performed a really good concert, you know, you've invited them backstage, you've offered them drugs. Yeah, it's not like you're asking them to do it for art. Yeah, or even before you do the art. You get naked and then I'll do a painting. Yeah, they're just... Exactly.

And then afterwards, you know, so you see how this could be, you know, it's the boob honking sonata. Could be something interesting that could, do you think it could be sketch worthy? I think it could be sketch worthy. I mean, what if we discovered, what if, you know, one of the world's most revered composers, let's say Beethoven. Say we discovered some previously undiscovered, that's what makes it a discovery. We discovered a previously undiscovered Beethoven concerto, right? And then what all the Beethoven scholars have to contend with is that this has been written for honk to boob yes that's right and the reason

the reason they think that is because when they look at the notes on the on the chart they've all got nipples on them nipples every every single one of them i mean that's so nice. Well, why do we think that he had it? Well, we think it could have been to be played on the honked boob. Yes. He's going to get in trouble. Going to get in trouble. Getting in trouble, yeah.

With the law. Yeah, okay. Well, law. Yeah, okay. Well, you did something with that. And, you know, sorry to the guys who weren't there for the abandoned episode, but the other thing that we talked about was the possibility of a musical instrument that consists entirely of a whole lot of severed limbs of different sizes, severed arms of different sizes, hanging from a bar,

and you slap them to produce high fives of different notes. Yeah. Now, you asked a lot of this boob honking one to try and see if you could find a context in which it would be a sketch. And so, let's see some of that legwork. I feel like I was helping out. I don't think I was completely.

No, no, I agree, though. I agree. I agree that it needs more. agree like i mean i agree that it needs it needs more um although i do find the the humor for me was really just in the fact that somebody is honking a boobs as a musical instrument or a man boob and it is actually just making the noise with their mouth you know you know what this high five idea is? What is it? It's an ad Because what it is Yes

Right It's an ad for something It's another one Dog food I've come up with another It could be Absolutely could be dog food Right

It could Because I've I think I came up with another high five related ad idea Many years ago It's the It's the leftover body parts. This is what the big reveal will be at the end. These are the leftover body parts of people who died having forgotten to feed their dogs.

Wow. And their dogs have eaten them. And it could be just people who died in the house. Yeah, right. You know, and then their dog ran out of food and then had to eat them. I get it. But then at first it's being played like a kind of, you know, you've got some percussionist playing it, you know,

like the people who play the, you know, not the timpani but the, you know, the marimba like that. They got two sticks in each hand. They're playing these limbs. Maybe they're just slapping them like you're saying. Yeah. Or, you know, they could be slapping them with other hands. They could have hands on the ends of sticks. I mean, think about it.

If you had a full orchestra and, you know, especially the cymbal player who comes in and just has two really big hands, it just makes a clap, you know. Yeah. Like that. And you've got probably somebody, you know, playing maybe an arm with a finger like it's a violin. Yeah.

Or, you know, an arm playing a big arm with a kid's arm. Yeah, okay, sure. So, the kid's arm is the bow and the big arm is the cello, say? Well, no, no, I'm picturing like a violin, so under the chin. Okay, under the chin, sure, yeah. Yeah, I mean, we could have a full torso, you know, a headless torso or whatever, somebody could play like a cello or maybe like a double bass. Also, I just remembered, because we were trying to find a reason

that maybe they weren't kids' limbs in the last episode. And then we found that there was another species of human. Hermophorensis. Florensis? Yeah, yeah. Is that what they are? The ones that have a hollandaise on top of them

and then sort of a wilted spinach underneath. Wilted spinach. But they are a small hobbit people. Sorry. Sorry, I didn't want to miss out on that potential joke there, but before, you know,

I made it too quick. I think it required... I wasn't set up enough for this one and people really needed to know about other species of human before they were capable of laughing yeah yeah there's a fair amount of um you know anthropology uh background that you have to have to get a lot of al's jokes yeah yeah okay so wait so so then so then they're playing they're playing these instruments in the ad, this orchestra of Buddy and Leftover Buddy. By the way, I'm listening to all of everything you're saying

the whole time waiting for you to just finish so I can tell my version of the ad. But you go. You keep going. Okay, yeah. Don't feel any pressure as a result of what I just said. Okay, and then they say, and then it says,

i'll just sit okay and then they say and then it says uh having a purina automatic dog keeps your dog fed for weeks on end yeah leaving family and friends plenty of time to find your body uneaten by your best friend i see see you know the whole time i've been that's great by the way that is great that's a lot better when i was the interpretation i was putting on your thing was that people had forgotten to eat their pets and their pets had sorry people had forgotten to feed their pets and their pets had, sorry, people had forgotten to feed their pets. And their pets had eaten them to death as a result of them forgetting to feed their pet. But yours was, of course, people have died before they'd had a chance to feed their pet. Their body is laying there. I think I probably did imply that a little bit at the beginning until I changed it a little bit. Oh, okay.

You were probably so deep in thought structuring a a rebuttal to my stupid idea no but i actually i actually really like your idea even even without the high five thing which i i think is beautiful on its own and could survive in a different sketch idea that we might hear later on in the podcast but i think the idea of marketing a a pet food dispenser to people specifically claiming maybe it can even maybe it even can detect when you've died in some way because of smells that your body releases or even you have something attached to your body a a heart rate monitor right that is linked to the pet food dispenser that maybe maybe if you don't fill it up within two weeks it it it orders more food but the delivery drivers are trained to come inside and look for your body just check yeah hello hello is everything okay in here they get a key to your house yeah i mean maybe the delivery drivers don't exactly know what they're getting in for as well maybe we um we just put a note on the specific delivery order to say,

please just drop this off just in the bedroom. You know, like come into the house. Somehow we're hijacking this delivery service. Alistair, my contribution isn't helping. It's okay. I mean, Andy, I like the idea. This feels like an idea where we're somehow getting involved in a delivery service and we're forcing – we own a company and then we're forcing delivery drivers to do more than what they're actually hired to do. Yeah.

You know? We're tricking them into discovering bodies. But yeah, but is there something else that you could actually get delivery drivers to do that they would do just out of, kind of almost out of politeness, out of like, you know, if they came about something at the front of somebody's house, that they would maybe, you know, if they came about something at the front of somebody's house, that they would... It's really interesting. You know, if they saw a toppled statue or, you know,

they saw a kid with his head in a pool or something like that, just laying there limp. I'm so sorry. But, or something, you know, that feels like they would feel compelled to help. I think this is a really interesting idea, right? Whatever that is, whatever that is, that's a bit of free labor we could get out of them.

Well, what if we, like, you know, obviously in America, healthcare is very expensive, right? Ambulance call-outs are also very expensive, I imagine. I don't know a lot about it right yeah but you know if there's an accident or something goes wrong you could call an ambulance and pay the very high call out fee and then the medical attendance fee or whatever you know your kid's falling into a pool he's not moving or you could call someone who you know has a van that's at least as big as an ambulance right yeah and who maybe also has um you know quotas to meet in terms of arriving on

time you know delivering things from place to place um yeah who we also know is able to park in loading zones you know and does And does same-day delivery. Same-day delivery, right? So you're like, yes, we could. We could call an ambulance for our kid who's had this terrible accident. Or we could call the UPS guy, right? Stick a label on the kid. Maybe, okay, this is what our business does.

All we do is we print out labels, right, that you can stick to your kid. Yeah. They're waterproof, so it doesn't matter if your kid's been in the pool for a while. Okay. You stick them to your kid. You call the number on the label.

The UPS guy comes. And you – oh, hang on. I'm corrupting your idea now. Because you do want him to discover it accidentally as well. Yeah. Well, I mean, we're trying to get them to do work that they – I mean, you're just trying to find a way to get your kid to a hospital, I suppose, without you having to take him? Yeah. Well, that's where I ended up.

But I like your original idea more. Sure. Well, we've got to find something that we can get them to do that is free labor, that we could build a whole company around. The important thing is that the employees don't actually know what the core business of the company is. The core business of the company is these little incidental things that they do along the way um to what we tell them is the actual idea the actual work i mean it's sort of like being a drug mule but for something else that isn't drugs and i mean that's the thing drug drug mulling is one of the few businesses where the profit margin is enough is high enough that it doesn't matter if the people don't know what they're doing while they

do it in fact it's probably better because they're more likely to get through security yeah yeah not having a clue yeah but what are these? We're trying to like labor mule them. Goodness of their hearts mule. Kindness mule. You know, and sometimes it could be like, you know, maybe they find a free apple on the ground. There's just a box that says, take a free apple. Yeah, okay. Like that.

But somehow, the act of them taking an apple, we get something from that. Well, you know, presumably they take the apple, they put it in their pocket, they bring it back to the office. Yeah. Maybe they eat it in the van? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's part of the loss. We build that into the pricing structure.

Oh, you think we need them to take it back? Well, maybe we're actually an Apple distribution business And The way we built this into our margins Somehow we can still turn this fractional profit Of this whole thing When they put the Apple in their pocket They bring it back

We have a very skilled pickpocket Who is then able to get the Apple out of their pocket And put it into a um you know a different bucket i mean we could be we could be a company that is privatizing what bees do okay right and we're you know essentially what plants do and we're, you know, essentially what plants do. And we're trying to spread organic material around, both seeds, maybe some pollen, things like that. And who gets around all over the shop? Delivery drivers. Delivery drivers.

And then you just offer them free whatever the fruit is. And they're just like, like you know they'll probably pick it up maybe they don't realize that there's actually heaps of pollen in there so they're like whoa wait a second like that and then as they drive you know a lot of those ones in america they don't even have doors on yeah that's spreading around it's getting some seeds around it's i think you're really onto something here alistair and i'm not sure if you've got exactly formulated how i want it to be but the idea of delivery drivers being the bees of the of the world and if you could um pay a mobile phone company to uh you know rent some of their bandwidth and maybe sell you know give you a handset lease you

a handset and then you could send a message that way okay Okay. Or what you could do is you could set up some elaborate scheme where when a delivery driver comes to your building, you've got a box of apples out the front, and when they bend down to reach for an apple, you have a big swinging arm stamps the message onto their back. Okay. who have a big swinging arm stamps the message onto their back, okay, and then when they unwittingly buzz off to, you know, their next destination, with any luck,

they'll buzz past the person whose name you've written in the message, okay, and then the message will get to its destination. That's basically how bees work, I think, and how the current pollinating system works. And I think that we'd be crazy not to sort of biomimicry. Yeah, I mean, you could probably even just do that with somehow zapping, like, you know, essentially zapping a phone signal towards them that, you know, that their phone, you know,

if you didn't want to have to pay for the big wide network right you didn't want to pay you know to use like verizon or telstra or whatever yeah you just basically you just zap their like you know they come in to get an apple and you zap your message into their phone phone somehow. Into their phone, right? And it just somehow uses some external, you know, some storage capacitor that's there that nobody, right? And then when it gets to another driver, it will zap it automatically. Yeah. And then eventually it'll bounce around the city until it gets to the one that you want it to get to. Yeah.

From phone to phone to phone. Yeah. So you'll be able to send messages at basically at car speed using the internet using my old phones i really like that idea alistair i mean i know it's not as fun like i mean i think like the i think i like it when there's you know when when there's more of a biological thing i mean it'd be cool if you could just get get them to get an apple and then you just when they grab an apple they just let themselves be sprayed with something because i mean essentially wait that's what like when we do it with bees

that's what you do you give them this this incentive of food right and but then they get these things, they get to help you, the bees help you have sex with other plants. What's interesting is that the bees have no idea about this, right? They've got no fucking idea. And it's like that thing about people saying to us as humans, you know, if the product is free, then it's not really the product, you're the product or something like that, right? Yeah.

If you don't have to pay for it, you're the thing that's being sold. Yeah. And is there anything in somebody sitting down and explaining this to bees that they're being used in this way? And do you think that that would take anything out of the bee experience? You know, what if it's this, it's an apiarist, right, who tries to be upfront with the bees and explains to the bees what's happening? Yeah.

And I guess what you would see, you know they or or could be a researcher who tries to explain to the bees what their role is and what's actually occurring and how the flower doesn't really care about them and want them to have this food they're just being used and then they monitor the bees over several months and they see how the bees slowly become more and more nihilistic and sluggish and less interested in their work. Yeah, yeah. Is that a sketch idea? Yeah, yeah, that's a sketch idea. Yeah, great.

Okay, can I restate what was my idea from earlier about the high fives? Because I don't think I've got to finish mine. Sure, sure, sure. My ad idea. And it was just that, you you know as a serious ad this is a serious ad idea um you know you'd have because because because you know a lot of our ad ideas are just you just show people having some kind of quirky fun right and then you just tangentially link it into your product okay yeah so what i imagine right is that we're having there's a there's a there's a barbecue cricket and there's backyard

cricket match right somebody hits a good hit okay yeah oh no somebody has a sip of a soft drink, say, that you're advertising. They hit a good hit and then they high-five two people. They hit a good hit? They hit a good hit. They hit a good hit with their bat. They're playing a backyard cricket. They hit a good hit. Okay.

It's a good hit. Everyone says, good hit, they say, right? And then they high-five because, you know, with backyard cricket, the whole family's playing. So they high-five grandpa. He cricket, the whole family's playing. So they high-five grandpa. He's got a big hand. It makes one note. And then they high-five a little kid.

And then they high-five some middle-sized person. And then they notice the different notes. So it's just one person who's noticing going around. Yeah, high-fiving these people they're noticing it as they high-five maybe they have another sip and we see them thinking for a second and then we see they have another big hit another good hit we see they get another hit have another good hit right and then you see them rearranging grabbing everyone in the barbecue and rearranging them in order of size okay and then we see them running up and down, high-fiving everybody to play different notes and play a tune, okay?

Yeah. That is, Alistair, that is what ads are. That's what an ad is. Some dumb shit that looks fun, right? And then you'd somehow link it to your fucking product. It doesn't have to be drinking a soft drink. Maybe somebody is there. Could just be hitting a hit.

They could be hitting a hit. They could be using some new fucking software to check their gas meter, right? They're using a new software on their phone to check their gas meter. They hit a good hit. Then they high-five three people. Then they check their gas meter again They hit a good hit. Then they high-five three people. Then they check their gas meter again. And then they organise it again. They're going, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

Good. Software. Software for checking your gas meter. Yeah. That's great. That is what BD. Yeah. That's great. That is what ads are. Hey, goodbye. Is that Kanye?

That song? Yeah. No. What were you doing? That's from so long ago. You know that na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey, goodbye. That's like from maybe like the 80s or the 70s. But is that sampled in a Kanye song?

I don't know. I don't think I've ever heard it in a Kanye song. Hey, goodbye. Yeah, right. Are you thinking, are you saying she's a gold digger? Yeah, that was it. Did she take my money? Yeah, that's it. Thatger yeah that was it did she take my money yeah that's it that's what i was thinking is that well is that not what you were doing that's not what you were doing no no it was similar though yeah great um now andy earlier in the other episode yeah that we were

doing we uh we came up with this idea you know and again i'm not sure if this was me driven just trying to have things to write down but after we had been talking about the honking the boobs thing that you know it wasn't really an idea that much at the time but it was something that we had written down now obviously now we got honk boob sonata that's you know that that's a perfect idea now but um we when you were trying to describe things you had said the the sentence um you had said the sentence honking the electric boob yeah right and was that a whole episode ago? Crazy. Yeah, yeah. And then we were, both you and I were saying how much that sounds like it would be a euphemism for something, you know, a saying that you could use. And so we thought maybe a sketch could be, it's like a documentary about a writer who came up with this sentence, honking the electric boob, and is just trying to find a use for it. And the documentary is him looking for this,

what the meaning could be that could fit this. And he tries things. He might have a sandwich. And he goes, that doesn't seem right. That's not it. And then he goes and lives maybe with a Japanese family for six months. Right. Just to see if he can experience the experience that fits the saying yeah yeah i love i love how early and it is it is range of possibilities living with a japanese family for six months

comes up that's the second on the list yeah then he puts, then maybe he puts on like a Michael Myers mask and terrorises a nightclub. He's like, well, that's closer. That's closer than the Japanese family. Oh, yes. Honking the electric boom. Yeah, so does he do something? He does a thing.

Because he doesn't – he ultimately – right. Meaning is a consensus. Okay. Meaning in language is just consensus. So it's not enough for him to have an experience and think, well, that feels like blah. Right. What he's got to do is he's got to do something.

He's got to do the experience and then he's got to do is he's got to do something he's got to do do the experience and then he's got to say out loud to a group of diverse people right a good focus group right geez there's a hundred year old yeah yeah there's a hundred year old there's 101 year olds they're all there right and then afterwards he says geez i'm really honking the electric boob over here. And then he looks at all their faces trying to gauge how well it went over. So he has to do that after he has the sandwich. He has to do it after living with the Japanese family. He has to do it after terrorizing the nightclub in a Michael Myers mask. Yeah.

I think that's cool. I think that's cool too. Yeah. I think that's cool. I think that's cool too. Yeah. I think that's a good documentary. And at the end of the documentary, he just turns to the camera and he says, what do you think? Like that. Yeah, great.

Maybe we all have to, you know, that way, you know, then the audience plays a part. Yeah. And then he terrorizes them. Terrorizes them with a Michael Myers mask. One, two, three, four, five. Andy, I've got five sketch ideas here. And they are rock solid, baby.

Andy, how would you feel about going to three words from a listener? I'd feel confrontingly comfortable with that. Yeah? Yeah. Well, today's- You wouldn't like to see how loosely I'm sitting. Yeah, I'm comfortable. I'm going to get comfortable.

You're not going to like me when I'm comfortable. Don't make me comfortable. You're not going to like me when I'm comfortable. He's the Hulk of sitting down in a soft chair. What does he do to be that comfortable that it's so unpleasant for others? I guess I can imagine. Trying to make one episode that isn't about that. We're so close, Alistair.

We've almost done it. We've almost done it. Hold the line. Hold the line. Hold the line. Hold. I'm just going to write down the sentence. You wouldn't like me when I was comfortable.

You wouldn't. I don't know. I wrote Y twice. Like me when I'm comfortable. When I'm comfortable. And I'm comfortable. Okay, so today's listener, I don't know if you know this, Andy, but we've got listeners. I'm gaining awareness. Comes from Patreon and has said in three words, Ben Oliver.

Ben Oliver? I believe Ben Oliver, I believe is a very recent addition to the Patreon family. Welcome, Ben. Welcome, Benjamin, if you don't mind me using the long name. I think we know each other badly enough for me to lengthen your name. Yeah. Use the extended version. Yeah. Use the extended version.

And would you like to try and guess what the three words that Benjamin Oliver has sent in? Yeah. The first word is pile drive. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The first word, Andy, is coffee. Coffee. Okay. So I imagine that, no, no, no, no. The first word, Andy, is coffee. Coffee. Okay. So I imagine that you can see the pattern now, Andy.

Yeah. The second word is enema. Enema? Definitely not. But there's a similarity to what you're saying. The next word is portal. Coffee portal. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. And the third word is redemption. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And the third word is redemption. No. No. It's thumb. It's almost like these words are just chosen at random. Well, I don't know.

It doesn't sound like what something Ben would do. Coffee portal thumb. Now, when you made me think of that, you made me think, imagine giving like a wormhole an enema. You know, sometimes like in Star Trek, I know that they go through wormholes occasionally. But what if sometimes the wormholes get clogged up with gunk and stuff, you know, muck and like that, and they realize they got to flush it out from some,

by sucking up all the liquid from some water planet and squirting it in there at a high pressure. they gotta flush it out from some by sucking up all the liquid from some water planet and squirting it in there at a high pressure I've never seen Seth McFarlane's sci-fi parody The Orville right but I imagine this is the kind of

stuff that happens on that like you know just treats treats all wormholes as buttholes. Yeah, I really, you know, and, you know, I imagine there'd be a lot of, you know, we've got to flush out the wormhole and then the analogy is like, what, like giving the wormhole a coffee enema? You know, that kind of thing, right?

Yeah, that does feel, I mean, we should actually pitch that. Is that still up? The Orville. Yeah, that does feel, I mean, we should actually pitch that. Is that still up? The Orville. I mean, it's still repeating, I think, on one of the, maybe on SBS. Really?

Yeah, I've seen ads for it somewhere. Could be on a streaming service. I don't know. But we're above that kind of idea, right? a way in a way now hang on when we first heard the three words um coffee thumb and what was the paraphernalia okay um it i think there's a lot of crossover between coffee technology and torture technology and i wouldn't be surprised if in some way the torture industry was sort of like the space industry for coffee extra you know coffee extraction you know you are trying to extract the flavor from coffee much like in torture you're like the space industry for coffee extraction.

You are trying to extract the flavour from coffee, much like in torture you're trying to extract the truth from a person. You're trying to extract the truest version of a fact, of reality from an individual in the same way that you're trying to extract the true flavour of the beans from coffee. And you look at the ways in which we sort of squeeze and compress and and and boil coffee you know heat it up yeah there's the sorts of approaches that we would use to torturing a torture victim waterboarding is sort of the um the drip the

cold drip extraction process for coffee chinese water torture i i like this idea andy but i think that the one thing that i would disagree on is that you're getting the pure the true flavor of the bean right because i think because i think that when you when you roast the coffee bean i think you're you're admitting that the flavor of the coffee from the raw bean would be is awful right right and so you're making it undergo some kind of torture heating it up until it's you know you change its molecular properties so that you can get the truth that you want out of it yeah well we want it to tell us what we want to hear don't we exactly yeah and so you know if like it's somebody from the taliban or whatever you just want them i mean in the end you want to go home to your wife and you want to be able to just know that you you're in a secure job and that you're getting the job done yeah

right in the end it doesn't really matter if you know if somebody did something as long as throughout your career people think that you did the right thing that's exactly right so in many ways the torture industry the coffee industry is exactly like the torture industry is that you just want to get something that people like you for obviously not the coffee beans and in the same way that obviously the the person who's being tortured they don't necessarily like you that much from what you're doing yeah but you're just doing whatever you can to just put in a day's work and then just go home. Now, do you think, though, Alistair, that there could be a sketch idea where it's basically maybe a new employee at a coffee paraphernalia company and being inducted and having this explained to them

how basically all the major technology in the coffee industry has come from torture. And maybe this person's job is going to be the liaison with the CIA black sites, and they're going to tour all of these horrible facilities looking for innovations that could revolutionise, could be the next, you know, arrow bullet.

Yeah, yeah. So, wait, are they touring the torture facilities to find coffee paraphernalia? Or are they touring the coffee paraphernalia thing to find torture? Oh, that's interesting. I had thought about it the first way, that they're touring the torture paraphernalia thing to find torture. Oh, that's interesting. I had thought about it the first way, that they're touring the torture facilities to find coffee things.

It's good the other way as well. I mean, it's nice that there's this kind of knowledge sharing between the two industries. Maybe they've been intertwined since time immemorial. They go back all the way. It's hard to remember. It's hard to tell where one starts and then yeah yeah because i guess you could because you could picture someone looking at an aero press and going i reckon there's a way we could hurt people with this yeah and make them tell us the truth like Like if you put it over their eye or something like that.

Oh, my God. You know. Fuck. Or if like, or if you maybe like, imagine if you just like laid out their scrotum skin and you passed air through it, you know. These are both great ideas because I really didn't think you were going to have anywhere to go with this, Alistair. But fuck the idea of somebody putting something over my eye, right, and pressing down with air pressure, just pushing the eye further and further back into my head. Yeah. Putting so much pressure on it as well. Yeah.

Around it. The feeling that my eye could, like, pop. I really don't like that. And it won't like that and it and it won't bruise no it won't bruise um i think i like i like that sketch idea oh great yeah it's really nice industry okay so look here we go here's the sketch ideas for today we got the Honked Boob Sonata. It's a very accomplished composer who is in the midst of the Me Too. I've recently actually finished transposing Beethoven's Honked Boob Sonata Hogged Boob Sonata for Yanked Penis To be played

On the Yanked Penis Yeah, but of course it's still Him just yelling it Yeah, of course That's great, on the Yanked Penis Anyway That's great. On the yanked penis. Anyway, then we got the playing the severed body parts. Playing the severed body parts orchestra in an ad for automatic dog feeder to stop dogs eating your body after you die.

Yeah, I don't think you need the musical element of that at all. I think just an ad that is entirely targeted at very old people who don't want to get eaten when their dog dies, I think that's very funny. I think they would put that, oh, sorry, when they die, don't want to be eaten by their dog when they die. But as you know, Andy, as you know with your software, you're checking your software for checking your gas meter or whatever, you got to put a little musical element in there.

That's what an ad is. That's right. Then we got delivery drivers being used for incidental labor, maybe picking up stuff, maybe the energy of lifting stuff, maybe spreading the seeds of apples around. I forgot exactly what the perfect idea was in there. I don't think we ever came to a perfect idea. So what you have is you have a stick out the front of your house, right? It is a big bowl of apples.

It says, please take one. You've just gone digital. Okay, but it says, please take one. They can still hear me at home. But each apple is tied to a big rope, right, that goes down under your house and turns a big turbine. So whenever they try to pick up an apple, it pulls the rope, it turns the turbine.

You're generating free electricity. And I think Alistair has just dropped off. So I'm continuing to talk. I'm going to call him back. And I hope that this is all going to be fine. Alistair, have you been talking the whole time that I've been gone? No, no, because you went digital and I could hear you talking. I was talking the entire time. So we don't even have to edit the podcast.

And I think it's going to be a great experience for the listener. Yeah. Anyway, you keep going with the sketch ideas, Alistair. No, no. Okay, great. Then we got explaining to bees that if – I think I'm going to have to wrap up in a sec because Hux is crying and he's probably going to want to come into this bed.

Explaining to bees that if – That they're being used and they actually – If pollen is free, then they're the product. You can actually tell that the bees are much more depressed. Then they more depressed. Then they become depressed. Then we've got the coffee industry is like the torture industry. It's all about getting what you want out of something and they're swapping tips and technology.

Andy, it's been great. Terrific. Hey, guys, I was recently on the Book Cheat podcast. There's an episode with me and Peter Thomas talking about the novel 1984. We have a really good time. Peter. Yeah. Is that that guy that you wrote that book with, Gustav and Henry? Yeah, that's right.

Our book, there's a link to it in the show notes. Check it out, I reckon. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I mean, we're doing doing fine we don't need the sales but you know if you want to buy it that's we need the sales so if you want to buy it that's great love a mixed message um thank you so much for being who you are and you can support us on patreon you can always give give us a review on whatever those apps, things, Apple Podcasts. Stitcher. Get on Stitcher.

Get us a review on Stitcher. Anyway, I got to go. So thank you very much. Take care. We love you. Bye. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls?

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