Two In The Think Tank - 343 - "MINKE BRAIN"

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

Alien Resources, Totalitarian Diet, Rock Hole, "Sunburn", Have a Coldie, It's My Tea Party And I'll Cryo If I Want To, Sex Pest Greyhound, Thai Brain HolidayPlease purchase Andy's book with Peader Thomas - Gustav and Henri Volume 1Listen and subscribe to THE POP TEST on Radio National or as a PodcastYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereReciprocating multithanks to George for producing this episodeSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Chiramblay Burch. And what do you think of this idea, Alistair?

Oh my goodness. Show and tell, but for the office. Smell and tell. Show and smell? Show and smell show and smell so wait you show and then you also do the smelling i i guess i guess i guess they have to do the smelling right yeah because it's like you know but then maybe smell and tell smell and tell. Okay. It's an office. So it's still in the office. It's just, okay, it's somebody's first day at an office. I don't want to completely change your idea.

No, no, no, no, no. Show and tell, but in the office. What did you think of that? Like as in, it's just adults doing it for each other. It's just adults doing show and tell, right? So like there's somebody's first day at a new job yeah right all in the boardroom they're you know getting a pep talk from the boss and then someone has to come up and and show something from their weekend they're kind of somebody's just going like well

so then i got these and then so you put these into boiling water and then there's these little sachets that have flavor in them some of them are powder and some of them are kind of a liquidy and ones are like a gelatinous kind of thing so it's somebody explaining somebody's like me garang to the to the office i mean it as a scene as a scene in a sitcom yeah i find that hilarious it's just a you just see a little bit of it. What it invites you to believe is that on some level, everyone else who works at this office is an alien who does not know anything about the world. And they're trying to, you know, the boss is trying to introduce them to the ways the earth...

So they've got to go out there and they've got to come back and report and explain everything that they've learned. That's kind of quite interesting because they've done shows where it's like there's one alien on earth. And they've done, you know, where there's a few, you know, like they've done Third Rock.

That's a few aliens on earth. But it's still it's still the aliens are the fishes out of water the fishes out of water right in the human situation now this one it's a slight flip on it okay because it's the human who's a fish out of water in the alien workplace that is they are also fish out of water in the bigger world. So it's a human in some water that is itself out of a larger pool of water. Well, I think it's a bit of water on a fish that's out of water. It's a human.

Human fish. It's a human amongst fish out of water. Yeah fish that's out of water it's a human human fish it's a human amongst it's a mermaid out of water yeah that's right it's a human amongst fish out of water it's a human in fishes out of water now uh i've got can i tell you i've got a great name for this show, by the way? It's also a twist on the office workplace comedy. Now, I want to hear what the name of it. It's called Inversion of the Body Snatchers. Yeah. So, the inversion being the fish out of water. Inversion being the fish out of water.

The fact that it's this one person trying to fit in with all these aliens instead of the other way around. Yeah, inversion. The body snatchers. Yeah. I don't think I understand what the word inversion means in that way. It means to invert. It means to change something to the opposite. So turning the body snatchers inside out yeah i'm so sorry okay wait wait wait so scene fade in titles inversion of the body snatches. Font. Impact.

He. Bold underline. She is a professional looking woman. Her shoulder high brown hair. Shoulder high. Yeah. Shoulder high. So that implies that it comes. It comes from the bottom.

It comes from her ankles. Ankle hair. And it stops at the shoulders. Yeah. So she's... That's incredible. She's hairy everywhere else on her body. Right? But bald from the neck

up. Yeah. I mean, do you think that on I guess Chewbers world yeah um they have to cut their hair when it gets too high well well maybe maybe their version of of a a nice haircut is a nice area of baldness you know like they would go to to the head dresser who would shave all the area that would otherwise be hair on our heads down to nothing, right? That's a little bald, bald area. And anyway.

Andy, keep going because I'm having to write this down. Well, that's because you're doing it line by line, Alistair. You're writing the full script. Anyway, fade out. There we go. Beautiful story. Credits roll. Credits roll.

Applause from the audience. Cast, in order of appearance. They don't tell you that anymore. You know how they used to tell you the cast in order of appearance? Yeah. You don't like it when they just do it in order of sort of how big the star is, how much they're getting paid? Oh, some fucking random order. I need to be told what the order is that I'm dealing with here.

What if I – because I always assume it's alphabetical order, right? And then if I see it and it's not in alphabetical order, I assume that my understanding of the alphabet is wrong or maybe I've had a stroke. I've never assumed that it's alphabetical. Neither have I my understanding of the alphabet is wrong or maybe i've had a stroke alphabetical and neither of i was just pretending i always think that it's in order of importance of the character you know the star of the show and then and i'm always shocked when i see a name sort of even 10 names down that i recognize i go what's going on here that's what makes me think about the order a little bit. I go, oh, it must be going some other way. Well, that's usually because you're watching a much older film, right?

And you're seeing some ingenue, some debutante, right? And introducing Cameron Diaz. Right, she's not right. That could be right. Maybe that's what it was. This is before her star has broken. Yeah, but, you know, her first big movie was The Mask. The Mask.

I think that's why she was and introducing. What was the other idea you were just talking about before, about the bald patches? It was about on Chewbacca's planet. Yeah. Because they've got hair all over their body, obviously. Yeah, yeah. So a haircut was a bald patch.

A haircut would be a bald skull, right would cut that down to to to being bald yeah doesn't quite work because that's like unless yeah unless you you got lots of hair at the beginning of the the week or something like that, and then it slowly got shorter. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know yet. I don't know how you would keep starting back on with having a full head of hair, and then it keeps getting shorter. Oh, I need a hair extension.

That's what they do. To try and keep it all the same. Because nobody ever wants to look bald or whatever like that. I guess it all the same. Yeah, because it's just nobody ever wants to look bald or whatever like that. I guess it's the same. It's similar to here on Earth that people feel like they don't want that a lot of the time. Yeah, so look, anyway, that's a good point. I love, I love, I'll tell you what I love.

I love Star Wars discourse. I love how much people care about it. And I love hearing their thoughts on it. I love any tweet that begins with Han Solo would never. I think that at least it's gone down at least a lot because now there's so much stuff. Possibly it has. I've actually blocked almost everything. The keywords on twitter kind of are like culturally you're frozen in that time from when you

from when you first you know blocked it and that was around the time of like the last jedi or something like that you you did that yeah yeah right and so you are stuck in that world you think that's what the world still is like right i think the radiation is still poisoning the landscape but a lot of it has gone away and the flowers have come back. Yeah. And my grandmother should let me out of the buried shipping container where we've been living and making love. Yeah.

You and grandma? Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Wait, you and grandma or you and the shipping container? I think if it was just you and grandma and somehow at a young age you had started humping the shipping container, if it was just you two and your grandma was like, she'd probably just be like, we'll just leave it.

It's just us two left. Sure. This doesn't matter. I don't need to try and correct this behavior in any way. You can actually be as free as you want to be. You can truly become, you know, an individual. Because soon grandma will die and then I will be. You'll be the individual.

The individual. Yeah. They never talk about that. No. Being the last man on earth or what that means for individualism. Yeah, that's true. I guess in a way it's the ultimate right-wing fantasy is that there is only one person left because that's the absolute…

Although, you know what they would hate? What? That also means a one-world government. Yeah, that's true. But I think that if I was the last man on earth, I wouldn't even bother with governing. You don't think you wouldn't go along and sit in all the different seats and say sort of things and i don't think

the sort of all the tradition and stuff like that would suit me all the the pomp and circumstance yeah you know the wearing the robes and banging on the door yeah carrying the big the big staff the big stick i might i might sort of have one of those big sticks on my back in case i'm not the last one because it'd be it's hard to ever know for sure i mean even if you wander your whole life you know you'd be hard to be a hundred percent sure you're the last one that's true it's a big it's a big it's a big big world it's a big old world, you know. Do you think there's anything in, I'm sorry to say this, but a house that has penis windows, right? Okay. And they are-

Like they're shaped like a penis? No, no. They're basically glory holes, right? But they're not for any sexual purpose they're just to let you you stand up against the wall or whatever and you put your genitalia through it and you just give it some air you just leave it let it go outside like you would let a dog out or something sort of like it's like kind of like almost like you know this is like not chinese medicine but something like chinese medicine where it's just due to a belief system that we just think that that's good for you.

You know, getting some air on the… Like it's a Chinese medicine thing to think that you should always drink warm water rather than cold water. Really? Yeah. Yeah, okay. And so… I love cold water. Yeah.

I could never be Chinese. No. No. Andy, I hate when you don't believe in yourself like this. Andy, I think that you absolutely could. That's a mental block that you have. You're doing that, Andy. I think that you could be.

You work at it. You work at it. I think that you could be Chinese. And I think one day you will be Chinese. Actually, I think one day technically we'll all be Chinese in a sort of technical way. In a very technical way. Yeah, maybe on paper. Or maybe on paper, actually.

Well, they invented paper, so they'd love that. They might actually destroy all our papers. Our papers. Are these now our identity documents? Yeah. They destroy the identity documents? Yeah. They destroy the identity documents? I think they'd keep track of the identity documents so that they're better able to monitor and control the population. I think you would do that in people that you acknowledge as sort of being human.

Right. Okay. Sure, sure, sure. So we would be more – well, what about – I want you to know that I actually don't believe in any of this. And I want you to know that I – This isn't about the Chinese people, obviously. This is, if it's saying anything, it's a comment about totalitarianism.

That's right. And that is, of course, people who eat everything. A totalitarian is somebody who tries to eat the entirety of existence. And you can often pick them out of a crowd because they're the ones eating their finger. They won't stop even at that. If anything, that's where they'll start. They see an omnivore, somebody who eats anything. Totalitarian. I'm just writing down totalitarian. Somebody who eats everything. Totalitarian.

As a person who eats everything? Are you just writing it down so that I'll stop talking about it? No, no, no. It's just because I haven't written down anything for ages and so I forgot any of the bigger ideas that we've brushed. The dick window? The dick window, so yeah.

So dick window. I mean, I could imagine somebody kind of like giving somebody a tour of a house and being like and what are these holes down here? Did the guy have pet rats or something like that? These like rat holes? You know, doggy doors, you know, cat flaps, rat windows. So I imagine there's something about giving your genitals an experience that is just for them, right? That isn't a part of your experience.

So that even if there's like a huge wall, right? You can't see over or go around, right? And on the other side, side okay we don't know what's there yeah i like to think that there's a like a home cinema for the for your genitals sure could be a home cinema could be a rainforest okay could be a desert we don't know yeah okay and but nobody's ever had a peek through the hole. Yeah. So this is a house that has a hole and nobody's peeked through it. Now I'm thinking this is less a house, and now this is sort of maybe a geological feature,

or it's a thing that was built thousands of years ago by a civilization we don't understand. And with no eyes. And with no – well, we don't know. We don't know what they did. Okay, but it's a huge wall with one hole at um at at genital level yeah okay and you can go up and you can you you can press your genitals against it yeah okay and you can let them experience whatever's on the other side and it's such a test you know it's the marshmallow test for

for a civilization yeah that we that we never break the sacred nature of that and we don't by peeking through the hole and seeing what's on the other we also don't know of any civilizations that actually have looked through which suggests that they probably get wiped out when they do if they do yeah now do you know if there's any instructions on the wall that lets people know not to look there or is it just a kind of i think it's an oral tradition it's an oral it's passed down okay yeah so so there could just be a mouth on the other side of the of the hall oh look i don't i i mean i mean like the mouth of a rock you know like a rock like a cave or something yeah like a oh yeah a rock face has its mouth and by rock face has its mouth. And by rock face, you mean Tommy Lee Jones? No, no, no.

Oh, okay. No, no, no. And I don't mean Dwayne Johnson. It's weird to see him now. He's going to be in a movie where he plays a good guy because this look that he's been sort of- Dwayne the Rock Johnson? Yeah, where he's been gathering this sort of slowly but surely his look has become more and more extreme. And I don't think he looks like a good guy.

He plays a good guy in every single movie. He plays a good guy. I don't think that he looks like a good guy. He looks like a villain who's tricked everybody into thinking that he's a good guy. But hang on, but you started this engine saying it's going to be interesting to see him in a movie where he plays a good guy. But he's playing a superhero kind of thing now. Right.

Black Adam. Black Adam, yeah. Well, I mean, he's kind of an anti-hero, so you'd love that. Oh, right. Well, I don't necessarily love it. Okay. No, no, I just want...

But you're just interested by it. Well, I think he should just be a villain in everything. Okay. Yeah. Because I think he... just be a villain in everything. Okay. Yeah. Because I think his look is too extreme. Like no good guy would work out that much. You know, it's like a- His priorities are so alien to us.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And- They would only do it if there was like lots of money in it for them or something like that. Somehow. It was a big part of their identity or maybe they're trying to compensate for something that happened in their childhood. But no good guy would have something bad happen to them in their childhood. I'm a big believer in that kind of karma.

That's actually an interesting thing. Do you see that much like in – oh, they probably do all the time actually. I was about to say any movies where some kind of hero had a bad thing happen to them a good guy you know what about yeah i mean there's a lot of that are there any are there any movies i think it would be more interesting to see are there any movies where a bad guy had a good thing happen to them. A bad guy, he's born evil. And he is bad. And then he has a very positive experience happen to him. Now, look, this will have happened as well,

because I'm pretty sure this is the plot of Hellboy. Really? He has a good thing happen to him. Because he literally comes from hell, as a baby from hell and then he he gets looked after and you know gets cared for maybe given a banana i'm not sure a fishman as there is a there is a fishman involved yeah yeah i mean any of the superheroes that are fishmen yeah stupid you should never create a superhero that's a fish man because you realise what a nightmare you're making for everybody who has to write the story in the future

or make it into a film or something like that. We're like, oh, now we've got to find a way to make fucking water relevant to this. Everything's got to be wet for some reason. And that's going to suck. We've got to go to the ocean. That's a terrible place to film things. It's very hard to film underwater, okay?

And you've got to think about the ocean. That's a terrible place to film. It's very hard to film underwater, okay? And you've got to think about the cameras and all that sort of stuff. So I think they should get the producers and particularly the camera people, the gaffers, the lighting people involved at the concept development stage of the superhero. And then they say, okay, what's a superhero that's going to be very easy to render on film in a compelling way yeah okay and then they'll say okay well it's a guy he can't have any green on him because of the green screens obviously uh so red red man okay red dry dry red man okay he doesn't sunburn man shit doing stuff at night okay so he's going to have to be allergic to the darkness in some way,

sort of like an anti-vampire. Well, do you think the lighting people would be like, oh, that's hard to light? Or they would be like, actually, that's going to make my job really relevant? Or I guess their jobs are also relevant during the day. I think it's relevant during the day. It's just, you know, also, you know, they'll probably get someone in, someone from the Actors Guild in,

and it'll be like, we actually don't like filming at night. That's very stressful. And also, all the working out that we have to do to develop a toned physique is expensive and that's a lot of So somebody who's thin It doesn't have to be thin, could be

Just quite a normal body They're red, they're bright red They're allergic to the darkness. Yeah. Like a reverse vampire. Like a reverse vampire. Could just be like a... Then they get the makeup and the hairdressing people in.

They're like, what kind of short back and sides? Is that easy to maintain? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We can get them onto set in under 10 minutes. Maybe it could just be like a British tourist in Australia. You know? Sunburn.

Although, you know, you could pretend. They do like going out at night. But sunburn does sound like the name of a hero. Sunburn. Sunburn. Like that, because you assume that they can shoot beams of hot plasma from their hands and things like that, or from their eyes, plasma from their hands and things like that or from their eyes or from their mouth.

Anybody who can shoot beams from their mouth in fiction? It's really interesting. I don't think there's a single person who could shoot a beam from their mouth in fiction. No, it's true. I think because it looks too much like vomit. Yeah. You know, because like you see some that can shoot fire from their mouth because you assume

there's gases in there. There's probably even less who can shoot stuff from their nose. Nose you don't really see. You could picture them closing one nostril with their thumb. He's got the Bushman's blow. Yeah, the Bushman's blow.

Like that. That would be an Aussie superhero. Right? Oh, man. You'd probably bust a sinus in the filming of that. Yeah. You know, your nose doctor would cost would be through the... Septum.

Septum. Isn't that the bit that goes between the two nostrils? The septum? Deviated septum? Oh, yeah. Isn't that the thing that you can corrode by doing too much dodgy cocaine? Sure. Is good cocaine fine for it?

Good cocaine is actually really good for your septum. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. Now, did we have any idea in this that was anything? I think, well, I mean, I would write down a Bushman's Blow-based superhero. Yeah, low budget. I think he could be, I mean, oh, yeah, so this is the low budget superhero concept. Yeah, but I think, you know, you then need to obviously spend you know good 10 20 years

pumping out the comic books to develop the fan base are people buying comic books a lot still especially new ones yeah okay i reckon they are i think they're probably i wouldn't be surprised if people are buying more comic books now than ever now than ever because it is such a huge part of the maybe like five years ago i remember hearing somebody say that they were like yeah somebody that they somebody they knew somebody whose dad was an author and they were like actually people are buying more books now than ever before i reckon we're probably reading a lot less books but we're definitely buying a lot more and you know i guess all the stuff that you know with digital being able to have the comics on your

phone and flick through them that way they probably charge you know close to the same amount like that's always the crazy thing to me is how much it costs to buy an e-book yeah but you don't think that the labor and things like that are worth anything you just think it's the it's the physical well i mean when it comes to the the work that the publisher does yeah i mean the vast majority of the money goes to the publisher anyway yeah the author gets a small fraction of it yeah and when the publisher doesn't have to actually print and you know make the physical books and distribute them and when you say it goes to the publisher, you include the money that goes towards making the book as well. The money that goes towards making the book.

So like actually making the physical copy. So like the people who make the paper and the people who print it and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. That money, you consider that going to the publisher? No. all that kind of stuff yeah that money you consider that going to the publisher no i'm i'm saying i don't understand why it costs so much to make a digital book what do you think i'm saying so do you think like i don't think it costs very much to make a digital book that's what i'm saying yeah but you're okay, so here's my interpretation. I'm really interested to learn what I'm saying here, Alistair.

Here's my interpretation of what you're saying. Okay, so you said, I can't believe e-books cost so much. Yes. So that's the cost to the person buying it. Yes, that's right. Right. And then I said, what you don't think the labor and all that kind of stuff to get the book made counts as kind of like, you know, should be integrated into the cost of that. And then you said, well, most of the price goes to the publishers and they kind of do that.

And then a little bit goes to the author. And then I said, but then you kind of made it seem like that was everything, right? And so then I said, but do you consider the money that it costs to make the actual book like the physical copy but are you saying that the cost of ebooks should help to subsidize the making of physical books is that what you're saying well well i would say that the whole thing is all part of it of course sure sure but also that you are you are paying for like you know let's say if you buy a book yes a physical 20 physical book and it's 20 right so a certain amount of that will just be paying for the book itself the the the paper and then all that kind of stuff right and then another amount is paying for the

work that the author did yeah and not just the time but also the creative work and the value sure sure some of that's going to the publisher but some of it is going to a factory and like to sure sure the costs of yep manufacture yeah all right and so then when i asked if all the money going to the publisher that you were saying about you said that most of it goes to the publisher and then i said that some of it go to the factory and you and do you consider that money to be going to the publisher and you said i don't know what the fuck you're talking about well i was talking about the money when i was talking about money subsidizing when i was talking about most of the money goes to the publisher i think i was talking about the ebook yeah i was just talking about the whole business right yeah

and so then because i mean you're not gonna they're not gonna make the ebook a traditional publisher and also and and not also make the physical copy i mean some of them might they might yeah might but i don't i i've just never heard yeah but i also like i i would imagine i i still i still so but is your i mean you're you've you've obviously i've obviously said something that's triggered you or offended you in some way. You think I'm wrong in some way about something. Otherwise, you wouldn't be arguing with me in this way. I was trying to clarify something.

I don't think there was anything that needed to be clarified. But the point is, is your point that e-books are priced accurately or cost what they should cost? Yeah, because I think it would be crazy to undervalue books by making the e-books too cheap. Because let's say they were $2. Then why would anybody ever go and buy a physical book well if it was like one tenth of the cost i i think people you know i think in a in a in a how it shows the value of the writing or whatever like what do you think would be a good price for an e-book look if if if e-books cost five dollars yeah okay i think that would be very reasonable many many more people would buy them

okay you'd and and therefore you'd get this much greater volume you'd be able to make many more different types of books as well i think because there's less of a barrier there'd be you know less popular um books or more niche books would maybe the economy of economies of that would still still work out better. I think we'd be using less paper, we'd be destroying less forests, all that kind of stuff. I don't know. It just depends. They may have tested all of this stuff. And then they go, actually, there's no big bump in sales because they're $5 or whatever like that.

Yeah, maybe. I mean, they're a whole industry. So I'm just assuming that they probably thought about that. I'm not sure. I mean, they do also do that thing on Amazon. I think that there's a part of your brain that is on some kind of circadian rhythm that right that that that i don't understand yeah and it every 114 hours it pumps out a squirt of some kind of hormone that makes you want to argue with whatever i've just said or question in some way and i didn't say anything that was weird or insane

i don't i'm not saying that you're saying it was weird i'm saying that you know while it's a suggestion i think and i and i thought that there's some value to the suggestion yeah i'm suggesting do you think this suggestion would have less value if it was in digital form um absolutely yeah i mean i i think i would be less likely to read it even less likely to read it than if it was on in a book form at least with book i'll find it sometimes but if it's in the phone, then it's competing against everything else. Now, let's start talking

about audiobooks, which I also think are overpriced. Yeah, but I guess I'm getting them, I guess, for $14 or whatever, for whatever the Amazon cost is.

But then you're paying even more labor has gone into it. Yeah, I know. And so you think that those people shouldn't get – what would be a reasonable price for that? I don't think they should. I think it's just reading some shit out. I don't know.

It takes a long time. Yeah, I don't care. Some of them are 30 hours or something like that. So, oh, 30 hours of work. Now I'm going to sell 100,000 copies of this book. But it's more than 30 hours of work because, as you know, as soon as you make any kind of mistake with how you talk, then you've got to go back and redo it. Then somebody's got to edit it, and that's just hours.

Look, it just – This is the most boring episode we've ever done. I know, I know, and I can't stop. I think that makes it slightly compelling. I think this conversation, I think with how boring it is and how much it shouldn't be in the podcast. Alright, we have to start again. No, we're not starting again, Alistair. But there's no way

we're starting again. This is going fine. This is great. People will be liking this. I guarantee. No, I don't guarantee. I don't guarantee that. Alistair, it's so good to be back in the room with you it's okay yeah it is good to be back in the room i'm having a great time i'm sorry if i've um made you upset in some way i think that

now you get too upset about the thought of me arguing with you and uh and then i have to is when i wasn't actually upset with you. I was trying to get you to clarify something. I also find it funny to accuse you of arguing with me when you're not arguing with me. I'm very happy to argue with you. Maybe that's not fun or funny in any way. Alistair. Yeah.

Superhero concept. I didn't think I would finish writing down this thing. Alistair yeah what superhero concept i didn't to get revenge for it running down this thing alistair yeah okay um you i mean we were talking about slow cookers before we started the um started the the podcast right yeah and you were also explaining how you know your pressure cooker can allow you to um cook things uh very fast yeah okay pulses pulses and that sort of thing very high pulse yeah yeah um and uh i mean what it made me realize is all the energy's gone is it is that's okay that's okay um is that like you know room temperature neutral you, is probably a form of cooking. Just stuff just sitting around is a form of cooking, right?

Proteins and things are breaking down and, I mean, there's also like there's mold and rot and that sort of thing. But if you didn't have that, could you just leave, you know, if there wasn't't the risk of bacteria and that sort of thing getting into your food, could you just leave it sitting there for like two years and then it would be ready to eat? Because I think the heat that we put into things when we're cooking them, it just changes the proteins in some way to make them easier know easier to consume right the molecules but if you just left it sitting there yeah you know you could have so but you're talking about like let's say some dry beans or something like that well you put i guess i i guess i am yeah so but you say saying like room temperature beans if you just let them sit there for two years, that then they will... You could put them in a sealed thing that's like an oven,

but all it does is just keep out the bacteria, right? You put them in there, I guess a container. Yeah, like the packet the beans come in. I think what I'm learning from this is that I'm wrong and this wouldn't work because very often we do leave beans in a container that bacteria can't get into and stuff. And they don't end up cooked after even a couple of years. No, no.

I think that's one of the main things about storing food and things like that is that they can last a long time and room temperature doesn't cook them. It's like, what about ice, right? You keep it cold, but for a long time wouldn't it eventually would it melt eventually if you just keep it within the the range well i think that's why they put on those labels like with milk they go if you keep it between these two temperatures then it'll be fine but then i mean milk is one of those ones that pump kind of cooks at room temperature something happens yeah i think it allows the natural processes to continue maybe cooking it could be cooking could just be you know just what we do is we by putting it in the fridges that we improve prison

the the milk sort of alive bits in there and stop them from doing whatever they want to do we just kind of sedate them well it's kind of a um like a stasis right it is kind of the thing of like putting a human you know cryogenically freezing a person yeah and then would you would you live longer if you were in a fridge if you were colder a fridge? If you were colder? Sorry, this is the worst idea I've ever had. Yeah. Right. But it's just, it's a guy. It's a porno set in the place where Walt Disney's body and stuff like that is frozen.

And it's a guy who wants to have sex with the men who are frozen. And it's called homostasis. I'm sorry. I don't even believe in it. But what a setting for a movie. You're right. It absolutely is. Without the pun title, it's just a guy who wants to have sex with the frozen bodies.

Or it doesn't even have to have sex with them. Hang out with them. Okay. So it's a a guy who wants to have sex with the frozen bodies or it doesn't even have to have sex with them hang out with them okay so it's a porno but for hanging out well it doesn't have to be a porno it's a movie well the guy gets the frozen bodies out sits them down because they're never actually going to be what i think is interesting about um the frozen guys or you know in that in that you know a porno set in a very cold location is that just getting the penis up to sort of room temperature and normal flaccid size would already be a huge achievement well i think it would be it would be counter to what you want because then suddenly you're getting softness right yeah there is there is a kind of little inverse stiffy isn't it there's two ways in which the penis can become stiff.

Stiff, that's right. When it's very aroused and hot. And hot or when it's very, very cold. So it's a coldie. It's a coldie. Yes, I've got a coldie. And could the coldie, I guess then the coldie could be used in a kind of cold sex, kind of frigid platonic sex. You know that kind of like that spray that you put on your, like a wound or something like that when you've sprained an ankle or something?

That you spray as like a cold kind of thing. So exciting. Okay, right. Spray that on the inside of any of your, you know, your orifice or whatever like that. So, it's really cold in there. And then you have sex with it so that it stays colder for longer. Or you put some, anyway, forget. I think that the more interesting idea isn't the sex idea.

I think the idea of a coldie and a new type of sex that is not enjoyable for either party, okay, that is entirely based around cold genitalia, okay, could be something, okay? Yeah, yeah. And I think it's, you know, I think it's good to take the sexiness out of sex, and maybe we then see sex in its purest form. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think you wouldn't, because then you wouldn't, then it's just moving then, isn't it? It is just moving. You know?

I mean, but also, you probably wouldn't be able to ejaculate with a coldie. But if you could, maybe there's a new type of ejaculation as well. Yeah, it's like- That we would discover. It has something to do with pressure. It's like it somehow sucks the semen out of the penis due to some pressure differential. Yeah. But somebody who's working in one of these cryogenic freezing places, right? You're basically either just a security guard or you're

somebody who just works there and walks around things yeah you've got a clipboard yeah the the unspoken thing about all cryogenic freezing things is that nobody's ever going to be brought back yes to life yes that is true none of us in the future give a shit about any of you who paid money. We're going to keep it going. So we can keep taking the money. It's like a superannuation thing. We're going to keep taking the fees. That's right.

Okay, until there's nothing left. And then we're going to flop you out and let you like thaw and soften like a bit of frozen broccoli. But that this guy would then take them out and set up little like tea parties. Tableaus and stuff. And it could just be like him and he's like, he's having- It's really good. He's having like tea with a bunch of, you know, or he's having sort of like, you know, a bit of some dumplings and stuff like that.

And sort of Walt Disney's there and maybe like, you know, Howard Hughes or something like that. I think that's really interesting. Does he go around and do the voices for them and that sort of thing? I would love that. Yeah, great. And it's quite a cold room. It's like where they would store beef or something so he can get them out and they don't like,

they don't thaw straight away. They're starting to thaw and then that's when he goes, all right, I better get him back in, you know, before it's like a noticeable thaw and then and then that's when he goes all right i gotta i better get him back in yeah you know before it's like a noticeable thaw but they'd get they would get freezer burn wouldn't they from getting taken in and out of the freezer probably a little bit but yeah you know who's looking who's looking in there other than him yeah you know i think once you once you start working in a job um you you realize all the ways in which you can get it. Because what is, this is something I've been thinking about recently, what is working in a place if not casing the joint unintentionally? Sure.

You work for long enough somewhere, you will figure out all the ways in which you can steal from that place. I mean, you know. That you potentially could. That's why it happens even on the highest levels. Somebody who works running some big organization, government thing or something like that, and he goes, nobody ever checks if this money gets taken

or if this money diminishes or whatever like that. It's nobody's job or it's only my job to check that. And that's why people go, oh, well, you can just, I'll put some money back later. I'll just take a little bit of money here and maybe for now while – I took that money and then I lost that money. Yeah. But I might be able to replace that money if I take a bit more money.

Take a little bit more money. And then I make some really smart bets on the great house. Some really smart risky investments. Yeah. Alistair, what do you think of this as a sketch idea? Okay. Hit me.

And I don't know if we would do this in, in a, in a sketch show that we would produce. Maybe we would, but it's, it's a sort of a, a, a,

a man pest greyhound race. So you know how this thing, and it's probably not super topical, but there was for a while a big thing about men bothering women, asking them to take off their headphones and stuff like that, when the women are just listening to music and just having some time to themselves. So what about this you have a whole lot of sort of um uh sex pesty type men in the stalls like you would have greyhounds yeah okay and then on that thing that they put the little rabbit on it goes really fast around the greyhound track

you have a mannequin of a woman with her headphones on maybe you're jogging it looks like she's jogging it looks like she's jogging exactly yeah great okay and so the i think at first i pictured her like laying down it's just kind of like yeah her legs are sort of flapping flopping down there right and you let the men out of the out of the gates and she slowly starts moving along the track, right? And they start sort of jogging after her and say, hey, hey, hey, gorgeous, take off your headphones. So it's not like, I thought it was like punishment for getting caught.

No. Doing these kinds of things. But how do you convince the guys to get in there? Well, I think in this sketch type scenario, they're sort of almost like cattle, right? They don't really have sentience. They're just a sort of an animalistic type thing, right? So they're just sort of in there sort of looking around a bit skittish.

So it doesn't lead to any kind of rehabilitation or anything like that. See, what happens is she starts going faster and faster around the track, right? And they start running faster and faster. Hey, hey, baby. See, what happens is she starts going faster and faster around the track, right? And they start running faster and faster. Hey, hey, baby. Hey, hey. Give us a smile. Hey. Like that, right?

She's faster and faster. Her hair's flying around. Her legs are flying out behind her now. She's lapping him. Yeah. Well, they're getting frantic now, and they're running like at top speed. And then one by one, they die of heart attacks.

I knew this would have a happy ending. And then whichever one is the last one to die of a heart attack wins. Oh, that's nice actually. And so you hope that everybody dies. Everybody does die but you bet on which one is going yeah you bet on which one's gonna um have the staying power it's a crazy sport it's a crazy sport it is a crazy sport even less likely that they would want to go in there yeah well i mean that's another good good thing that they don't have any but how would you i guess would you set the trap it would be like sort of setting a

crustacean trap or something like that where it's just you leave the front deck the't trap you know like one of those kind of crustacean traps it's just basically a cage oh they can get in but they can't get out yeah that kind of thing and so it's just like it's just the front of the of the track yeah of the you know they wander in and but but it says all what would you know i guess there's got to be some bait in there and i don't know what's on the second thing that these kinds of guys like that would lure them in um maybe like a free drink or something like that sure you know and i feel like a lot of like car shows or something like that tab yeah yeah i mean probably just greyhound Racing. Oh, yeah, Greyhound Racing in there, yeah. I don't know. Look, I'll write this down. Sex, Pest, Greyhound Racing.

Yeah, thanks. You know, one by one, yeah, they fall to the ground and die from a heart attack. I think, and, you know, this isn't the main joke of it, but I also think it would look quite funny to have a person or a dummy fly along, like at that crazy speed that those um i do i do find that kind of stuff humorous you know seeing piece of somebody moving fast i do i do fine because they're turning which means that it's always accelerating right just because which i also velocity is a vector and i find that funny um i reckon we have enough sketch ideas god we could that we could go

to three words from a listener okay that's really good um let's top off this most boring episode we've ever done let's really try to like bring it home yeah okay so we have listeners okay we have listeners is that right yeah and sometimes they can support us on Patreon. They can even send us three words from a listener, usually themselves. Okay. Although not always. There was a guy who would sometimes send in words from his brother, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right. There was a guy. And then there was a time that Brian solicited words from the general listenership. That's right. And so anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to try and guess what those words are. Okay. So do you want to try and first guess who the listener is? Here's a hint.

It's a new supporter. That's great. Whose name you haven't heard. Benjamin? Benjamin? No. Try one more time. Kate. No.

No. One more time. Okay. Elijah. No, but there's some similar letters letters in there oh that's similar letters yeah it's will will will sanger will sanger yeah s-a-n-g-e-r that's incredible could be saying sanger i don't think so i reckon that's a. That's great. That's a word that feels like it does a backflip. Yeah, that's right.

And it sticks the landing. Well, now Will has sent in three words. Would you like to try? I know you've already done a fair bit of guessing already, but would you like to try to guess what those are? Okay, the first word is plinth. No, Andy, it's crow... Magnon. Yeah. Crow magnth. No, Andy. It's cro- Magnon. Yeah.

Cro-magnon. Cro-magnon. Okay, the second word, magnet. No. No, no. Do you want to have a second guess at that? Neanderthal. No, Andy.

Ethernet. Ethernet. Cro-magnon, ethernet. I feel like we're already coming up with a great far side cartoon, right? It's far side. It's caveman tech support. Well, you just wait. Don't you finish that idea yet because you've got a third word to guess.

Cro-Magnon Ethernet Repairman. Carapace. Wow. Now, I don't know what carapace means. carapace. Wow. Now, I don't know what carapace means. Carapace means sort of the exoskeleton,

the back shell of a crab or a turtle or something like that. And I also don't know what Cro-Magnon means. Cro-Magnon is a Cro-Magnon man. I know it's a kind of caveman type thing. Yeah, caveman-y type thing. But it just means like caveman. I would say Cro-Magnon is probably a defunct like category yeah of prehistoric man i'd say that they probably don't use that scientifically anymore but i can't be sure but it sounds like it was originally scientific yeah yeah i think

at the time it would have been considered very scientific the most scientific at the time oh wow oh yeah i like the way that it's got magnon in it does make you think of magnetic or something like that yeah yeah and crow okay ethernet carapace i mean imagine somebody who has in their back some kind of server you know and so i guess you know the brain is kind of one of those but you know there was more in information processing and and passing through i don't know what you know well i don't see what any benefit would be but more of like a brain but that's for all to to use well i'm i'm i'm imagining a type of a i mean that that is interesting right a person running around with a big brain in a backpack right and it's a sort of like um you know like

a tuk tuk or a you know what are those things where you wait where people would pull you along on the street yeah i think that's a tuk tuk no that's, the tuk-tuk has the motor, but the one where they would run along, like pulling you. The idea of like in this, it's a brain punk type scenario. Everything is a brain. Well, there are lots of extra brains. We've worked out how to grow brains and that sort of thing. And so, if you need to do some extra thinking or something there'll be these street vendors who are walking around with a brain in a big wet backpack right and feeding it chips and stuff

through a funnel you know i like that maybe you could pick a brain out on from the from the stall yeah and just put it on top of your head and that it helps with you know it has little tentacles down into your ears and connect it to your brain. Yes, and maybe even go over your eyelid and just up behind your eyes and everything as well. Oh, this is a really good idea. You just sprinkle a little root system kind of powder. Sometimes you dip a plant cutting into it. Yes, I imagine the guy who's working at the shop has got a big sort of

crusty bucket full of gloop and a big brush there and he wipes it all around the top of your head like dabs a bit into your ears or you could even just like like that on you and they just go spritzing it that's it yeah so it needs a moist surface to be able to and you can do it with big one with your backpack big one in the backpack i mean these are the guys who run around and if you like need to you're making a difficult decision or whatever and you're just renting it you're just renting it you just give him two bucks or something like that and he'll ask the brain what you should do and you ask it your problem and so then you could that's why you've gone to like indonesia or you've gone to thailand or something because it's just it's like you know dental work. It's just cheaper over there.

Get your decisions made over in Thailand. Yeah, you can go there and it's like, oh, I've got to finish this report or this big thing like that. And you just go, all right, we'll just go there, get a big brain for like a week. I love it so much. But the idea that you would

you would you know, so the backpack brain is one thing. Do you think they're like whale brains and animal brains and things like that, that you can just basically add on? Or do you think that we're growing them? Because, I mean, it would make sense that, you know, like in a third world, it's like, I don't know if Thailand is a third world. I don't even know if third world is a good term to use. Look, there's this new term, the global south, right, which I fucking hate that term. It makes even less sense than the

third world it's probably just as offensive because it's just a euphemism but the global south doesn't make sense as a term because the globe already does have a south the global south is the south that's what global south means that's what south means it means global south i'd never heard that or if i did i'd never thought that it meant what you're saying i'm furious about it but could you imagine like so are because why would these countries have these brains right but you could imagine that mammalian brains if you just stack them on top of your own brain that they could be additive in some way sure sure so let's say they did have they go somebody went like an expansion port somebody went and hunted a minky a minky whale and then they just like but they they now have

a system for keeping the brain alive and so then they can just keep it in their stall like that and then you can hook it up to your own brain yeah like that and you got to eat heaps more you've got to eat heaps more just because like when you've got this extra it's huge gigantic you're sustaining it a little bit with some of your like that usb power i thought it would have you've got to eat heaps more because when you've got this extra gigantic organ you're sustaining it a little bit it's like that USB power I thought it would have it's own sort of bucket of blood

he keeps pouring fresh blood he has a bucket there that they feed on while they're keeping them alive kind of like just putting flowers in a water pot put a little bit of aspirin in there but once it's attached to you it's not good for the brains they're constantly in a state of trauma so he's always the dissolvable aspirin is like they're crunching up xanax in there and things like that

yeah and then but then once you hook it onto you you got to like be eating like way more burritos and things like that to like great to kind of keep it working like that you're just going like okay oh i better write while he's like you know this thing is like and then but then also sometimes you're having like weird flashbacks to memories of this creature's life such a great this is such a great concept right and it you know because because brains are it's an interesting that like for an organism, the brain is one of the most useful bits, right? But then – and in fact, you know, once you've been killed, the brain, the awful, all of that stuff is just waste.

It's just garbage that we're like, oh, we've got to bury this or burn it or something. We've got to get rid of this. But imagine if we could repurpose that brain. Like we use every part of the whale, okay? We use those brains for thinking. And they've worked out some things with various drugs and chemicals and extra little electronic things that can turn basically the neural patterns and pathways of this whale brain into a functioning processing unit.

They've got so many neurons that it's actually really good. Yeah, and then also you could like – You could hook a whole lot together of different – Yeah, and when your pet dies, you could add it to like the central sort of computer system of your house and your pet can sort of still help run the house and just be like you could be like rover turn the lights on yeah turn the lights on rover set the oven where's my phone that's so nice isn't that nice for that pet of yours and then and you could

still talk to it like that and it would react you know you know it'd have some memories it could maybe flash memories up on the screen i mean this is obviously if you could afford to do brain transfers into into home i mean you know it'll be like where you can um you know repair your own iphone screen right you'll be able to get a little kit and it'll most of the time it won't work and you'll fuck it'll just be a dog's brain dog to like to like a little little stall, a booth in the mall. And then the guy's like, yeah, yeah. And he kind of just cuts through and he's unbelievably good at opening up a dog skull and getting in there and sucking up the brain.

He's got like a tool that you've never seen before. He's always squirting it with something just to keep it going. Wiping it down with a bit of like alcohol and things like that. And then he just puts it in a little container for you and it's like 30 bucks or something like that. There's a little digital display on the top. And it says in that sort of calculator, what do you call that?

8-bit display sort of thing. It says woof. And you're like, oh. Oh, it's you. You're still there. And I guess you could probably like connect your devices to the to the dog brain and so like you know you could either have like a little robotic dog or you could even just put your connect your dog's consciousness to your phone and you'd like

your phone vibrates and you can like pat your phone and things like that and you'd be like oh good connected through wi-fi or something yeah you know just like you know because it's like it's connected to the the home system but you know i suppose that that means that you could see it through you know then you know and then also every time a family member dies you attach them as well to the house and so then the house the family home becomes all your ancestors attaching them to the house i don't see a huge excitement of what that offers. I do like putting them on your head and little tentacles going down. Like they would probably get a squid body, right? Squid body, which already has all those tentacles.

And they've got lots of neurons that go all the way down those tentacles, right? And then they've got that squid head that is that sort of very rubbery, flexible stuff. And if they were to slice that open, really stretch that out with some kind of force of things, shove in like a brain of whatever, a marmoset. I guess it doesn't make as much sense to connect them to computers, but to connect them to other humans. And then you put the squid on the top of your head and the little tentacles go into your ears and into your eyes you know i picture having a little bird brain on you sitting on your nose okay like that you go oh that was my budgie you know like that your budgie died and you just put it on there and it kind of sent the little tentacle things up into your eyes

like that up and through your nostrils like that this is going to be the most fucked and disgusting film in the world yeah i would hate watching this well don't worry it'll you know you still have to watch people sitting at a table with the frozen guys and things like that having a tea party um so that'll you know you'll you'll feel a bit desensitized to it after that do you think um will is that okay will well is that okay did that did that distract a little bit from the stupid argument that we had for 15 minutes in the middle of the episode i think that was good content yeah okay great um well i guess i'm gonna take us through the sketch ideas andy we got sense i don't know see it says seen, but I've somehow written it sense. S-C-E-N-C-E. Wow.

Yeah. I got real fucked up there. Show and tell in workplace. Someone explaining me garang. A workplace where everyone is an alien, but with a new human employee. I'm assuming that they sent a certain amount of aliens. And then they were there. They're working there there they're trying to discover stuff about the world but then the company that they're running as a cover is expanding it's getting quite successful it's

actually getting quite successful and then now they need to um you know they need to hire this is the first new person that they're hiring and i wonder if this is the plot of coneheads i'm not completely sure well i'm not 100 sure either but i haven't seen it i know at some point you know he has a job though he does have a job and he does chew condoms instead of bubble gum that's so much really i that's one of the fits i like okay i think that bit would have been fun to film yeah blowing them up them up like that. Yeah, okay. Then we got totalitarian eats everything. This is when I had to get us out of our... I think we're about to get into another rut.

Yeah, don't worry. And then we got the rock hole only for genitals. No one else has looked into it. You know, cultures. It's an experience entirely for genitals. it's the second genital only experience oh no that's true because there used to just be there used to just be sex was the genital only experience but then we started putting all sorts of other stuff around those areas hands and faces yeah so there's nothing that's just for genitals anymore. Even being in underpants,

kids stole that by putting underpants on their head. On their head, yeah. Being in underpants, that used to be their thing. Yeah. I wonder how long after the underpants were invented did somebody put them on their head. It was probably like the first pair was like, as soon as they're off the

I don't think you can do it straight. It wouldn't have been funny straight away. It wouldn't have been funny straight away i think you need the cultural awareness you know it needs to become for you to be able to subvert it but i don't necessarily think that everybody throughout history was you know was this comedy savvy yeah and they would have tried it just going what about this there you go put them on especially it would have tried it and just gone, what about this? There you go. Put them on. Especially it would have been funny to smear that first pair with just no respect whatsoever. Oh, I got my head. Oh, maybe it goes on this soccer ball. Yeah.

Okay. Then you got the low budget, easy to film superhero concept. So these are just where you consult all the lighting guys and everything like that. It's probably just sunburn, like a British tourist in Australia. Or fisherman's blow. A lot of people... Fisherman's blow, man. You mean the bushman's blow?

Oh, I think I've often known it as the fisherman's blow. Yes, bushman's blow. I mean, that's fine. Bushman's Blowman. Isn't it interesting that a lot of, you know, the Fantastic Four, they got their magic powers from solar rays and so did Sunburn Man. Bushman's Blow Woman, you know, because it's like Wonder Woman. Yes.

But this is a superhero who uses the Bushman's Blow. And she's a woman. And she's a woman. And she's a woman. So it's the Bushman's blow woman. Yeah, that's great. That's the name of the film. Bushman's blow woman. Is that everything?

No, no, no. And then there's a coldie. Yes. You want to have a coldie? The cold you and then there's a coldie yes you want to have a coldie the cold direction it's a new type of sex it's a new type of sex it's still sex

yes but not as you know it because normally it's hot and then we got cryogenic freezer tea parties you know and then I mean there's more to it but it's about this guy

it's more of a short film maybe a long film there's no story attached to it yet though what about this but of course he's going to it, but it's about this guy. It's more of a short film, maybe a long film. There's no story attached to it yet, though. What about this is sexual? But, of course, he's going to get busted at some point. Sexual conversation for people who don't like each other. Oh, baby, you're getting me so cold right now. That kind of thing.

Yeah, that's good. So, you can still… You know, instead of talk dirty to me, oh, talk kind to me. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Make me really slimy. Whisper really clean things in my ear. Sex, pest, greyhound racing, in brackets, all die.

And then we got going to Thailand for additive brains, minke whale brain. That's how I wrote it down but you get what it is yeah it's a whole world andy yeah and it's um you know it's gonna be a great right brain punk brain punk that's right imagine you can have a brain on each hand oh that'd be great you know maybe it gives it's just it's all additive but also it just looks cool to punch somebody while there's brains on your hand. You're not punching them with the brains. The brains are just there.

I mean, could there be a type of boxing in which you do strap animal brains to your fists instead of gloves? Maybe. You punch people. Yeah, in the brain. They do say that it's a sport of the brain, boxing. Thank you so much for listening to Do Anything Tank. Were you listening? Oh, jeez, that's embarrassing.

We really like that you did that. No, we loved it. Thank you so much. And you can listen to me and Peter Thomas on the latest episode of Book Cheat, where we talk about the book 1984. Really? Yeah, and it's really, I think it's a fun time. Had you read it before? No, no, no.

You hadn't read it? No. It's one of the few books. It scares me too much. Really? And listening to Dave talk about it, I was like, yeah, I'm glad I haven't read this because it's full on it's real grim but we do have a fun time talking about it as i say so definitely get on in there and we also use the opportunity to plug our book gustav and henry and so um if you want to hear a plug for gustav and henry i'm not going to do one now obviously but if you do want to hear that you should listen to um book cheat well i'm definitely

i'm definitely going to tune in for that yeah yeah because i i do love hearing you plug that book which is fantastic by the way thanks very much um you can also find us on twitter and instagram you know what i don't think i've logged into the instagram account for ages because i deleted instagram and then and i normally have like three accounts on there and you know i got lost secret accounts i'm doing a lot of leering and things like that and um and so but then i haven't gone in so maybe somebody's messaged me and i haven't responded and i feel really embarrassed about that i'm gonna go get my account back right um and uh we love love you. Bye. Bye.