Two In The Think Tank - 345 - "ROB IT A CAPELLA"

Episode Date: August 11, 2022

Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase here!Sick Mission Impossible, That's Ventertainment! A-RMIF, Jumbo Jet Bus Lifestyle, It Is All His Fault You Know, Bring Back Ropes, First Being of Pure Energy Sitcom, A Cafelony, Playing FavouritesYou can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereSlimy yet satisfying thanks to George for producing this episode Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Is that good? Uh, yeah. Hello and welcome to... I'll let me be the judge of that. The podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. Yes, I'm Andy. No idea.

And I'm Alistair George William Trumbly Birchall. G'day. G'day, guys. Hi, mates. Hang on. Is Tommy Dasolo now one of the how i just shat my pants yeah we can do it all we can do it all you don't need those other podcasts yeah exactly does um mark maron still say he just shat his pants in all his episodes?

I wonder, did he do one of those ones, that coffee thing when Obama was there? That was the first thing I thought. I bet he didn't. I bet he didn't have the courage. That's the problem with going legit. Suddenly it feels harder to be yourself. Totally. But I guess he did get there by being himself.

But then once he got there, I don't know if he felt like he could be himself. I don't think he did, pal. I just shit my pants. That's the problem. Do you know that's the problem do you think that's the problem andy i mean i always thought it was very it was a very intense way to start a podcast and maybe i think that was part of his early success no the way in which he no he didn't say pow i just shat my pants to start the podcast. Didn't he? No, no, no. That was an ad for this coffee co-op. I know, but I feel like it was pretty early on. Hey, what the fuckers?

What the fuck, Knicks? What the fuck, Canadians? What the fuck, Akoi? Do you know what the fuck Akoi one I was trying to do was, Jacinne? Was that like Iroquois? That's right. It was Iroquois, Andy. Yeah.

God, how often do you think about the Iroquois? Or is it like Ukraine? Should it just be like Iroquois rather than the Iroquois? Yeah. Look, I think anything I say at this point can't help me. I don't, well, I'm sorry to say, Alistair, I don't think about the Iroquois all that often. I mean, it seemed to be the very front of mind when it came to me in my what the fucks. I mean, it seems like you might be lying to the people.

Could you be lying? I would never lie, especially not about my beloved Iroquois. Gosh. Because now, because I mean, if you were lying, then it means that now you're also lying about not lying, which puts you in a very precarious position. It'd be best to come forward now than to let this keep getting worse, Andy.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on. All right. I can't even remember what we were talking about, but I'd like to come clean. Just say, I often think about the Iroqu say, I often think about the Iroquois. I often think about the Iroquois.

Busted! Alistair, something that's personally relevant to me recently is that I think there's this prejudice against people who sound sick. I had to do this voiceover on Monday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was incredibly fortunate that it fell within a window of me not sounding sick, you know, amidst a vast, it was a clearing in a vast forest of me sounding very sick. Sure, sure, sure.

Do you sound sick now? I think I do. I think I feel like I sound sick. And I think I just got very fortunate with the way the planets aligned for this gig on Monday. But, you know, you watch movies, right, and the characters are almost never sick or, you know, the actors are almost never sick. They know the actors are almost never sound sick

they never sound sick right and i think we we're hiding this big great path part of the human experience where i think people are you know oh you want to set a movie or a sketch where everybody's sick i think that's a i think that's a very compelling idea right it's it's it's mission impossible okay and this time everybody's got oh everybody had the flu on the day of the big mission the big the big impossible mission the impossible I mean, that could be playing into how impossible it is. It was just a difficult mission, but the impossibility came from within. This mission, so should you choose to accept it, you will need to take this revolver, this sort of belt with a grappling hook attached to it all right and this injection of the flu virus so this message will self-destruct in five seconds are we saying that sometimes the impossible mission force the imf sometimes because their bar is set so high for missions, they only do impossible missions. Sometimes if they get assigned a mission that is merely difficult,

they have to make it harder for themselves in order to reach the bar of impossibility. It's golf rules. Oh, they get handicapped. They get handicapped because one guy gets really good and he's better than the others but they need to like they need to keep the team working as if everybody is at the same level and so the new i think it's sort of like horse racing they have to do it with like saddlebags on or whatever right oh well that's

good too i was i was thinking you, it's like the new guy, he's doing it perfectly healthy, right? Right, this young buck, right? But then you got the guy who's at the top of his game, the Bond, I guess you would say. Sure. He's the Bond of the IMF. Of the Mission Impossible.

Yeah. Yeah. The James Bond, not who was the guy who scammed people. Alan Bond, the Australian businessman. Was it Arlen Bond? Alan, Alan. Oh, Alan Bond. Yeah, no, Arlen seemed wrong.

Yeah, yeah. And in many ways it was. Yeah, yeah. Great instincts there. Who was the guy from Mission Impossible? It was... He's Ethan Hunt is his name. Ethan Hunt, yes.

The Hunter. And he would be like, okay, so let's say the Bond would probably get the flu. Ethan Hunt would probably get, know polio and then and then there would be some people who've been around for a while but they haven't like been working at the elite level and one would be given to the coronavirus and then the other one would sort of get like you know would just have like the strep virus i think this is great and i think a you know there's a lot of um movies uh you know action movies where they're trying to stop a virus being released to destroy the world but there's very few set after everybody's already contracted the virus and it's just struggling

to get through the uh the day-to-day and they're congested you know noses are streaming i i just picture them like in in the events because i think what the problem with like being one of these mission impossible people is is the amount of time you spend in these air conditioning vents. You're absolutely right. And it's just dragging yourself. Well, being in a room, you know, being in an environment that is air conditioned will really dry you out. Okay. But, you know, that's just being in the room.

Imagine if you spent all your time in the actual vents themselves. I mean, you'd be a husk. Absolutely. Imagine, you know, you're dangling above this computer system with these floors with the sensors and stuff, and your nose is a-dripping. I think that I want to write the first action movie that is set entirely in the vents. I love those scenes where they're crawling through, you know, sometimes crawling faster, sometimes crawling slower.

Someone's coming around the corner. Oh, there's a big fan. There's so many twists and turns, quite literal and metaphorical. Sometimes they go down. That's the weird one. Have you ever seen that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've seen that. That seems weird. Why Sometimes they go down. That's the weird one. Have you ever seen that? Yeah, oh yeah, I've seen that. That seems weird.

Why would they go down? You're all on one level. Yeah, you go where the vents go. You just got to follow those vents. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like being on the sea. It's like being on one of those, you know, one of those things. Oh yeah, I know what you mean completely. It's like white water rafting. You follow where the river goes, you know one of those things oh yeah i know what you mean completely white white water rafting you follow where the river goes yes that's the thing it's a it's like being

a riverboat captain you see and do you do you think that there's a rivalry between riverboat captains and sea captains ocean captains like like do you think ocean captains think that all riverboat captains one-on-one day be one of them um i i'm i think you're absolutely right but i think that the riverboat captains probably i think there's a good chance that they deal with more hazards as riverboat captains a lot more. A lot more bogging opportunities. Bogging? Sure. A lot more submerged things, though, as well.

You know, branches and rocks. Andy, more submerged things than in the ocean? Jeez, you sound ridiculous. All right. I mean, I'm not going to try. I'm not going to try and defend myself. How are you going to recover from this? I'm not going to try. I'm not going to try. I'm just going to say, gonna recover from this i'm not gonna try i'm not gonna try i'm

just gonna say have you written down a movie where everybody is sick yeah mission impossible but they're too good so they have to make them sick that's not quite right but it's like mission impossible but they're all sick you know yeah and then and then another one which is a movie set entirely in the vents oh yeah now it's interesting that in those movies, those vents are never insulated. Have you noticed that? They're always just that tin shell of the vents. Now, if they're carrying air, surely they want to insulate that in some way. I guess they're just ventilation.

They're not heating and cooling. That's the only explanation. You think so? Yeah. I mean, I think there would be a point where you would actually get to that flexible ducting. You know, once you get into the sort of, into the extremities there, that flexible air conditioning duct. Yeah. Yeah.

You know. They're never crawling through that, are they? No, they're never. I mean, but if they, you know they're never crawling through that are they no they're never i mean but if they you know because but you could picture you know there's relatively big flexible duct so there could be a point where they did get to that and then they got stuck and then they broke off the vent and then they're stuck crawling around in this thing like a caterpillar. Right? I love it. And I don't – I mean, what do you picture as the reason why they're entirely stuck in the vent?

I think that would be a great scene in a movie where somebody's in one of those entirely flexible vents and the whole thing tears off, right? And they fall to the ground. They land and they're surrounded by bad guys oh so you picture it being just free in the stand like an open roof it could be it was just flexible duct there and then they and then they fall in because it wouldn't have a lot of strength to hold it up like that exactly exactly yeah exactly so i'm picturing for the purposes of this scene i'm picturing that right they fall to the ground there they're in that tube and then they sort of they hitch it up like their skirts and they try and run away oh yeah i guess and then they run around the corner somebody comes chasing after them right and then they they stand there like a column oh that would be clever

and they disappear or you know or they could they they keep running but they they they can only see down they can only see the bottom because they've still got this big length over their head right yeah the only the only way that they can see properly is down down their belly and onto their legs yeah and they look they look on the ground and they notice like the linings of like a basketball court, the lines on a basketball court. They realize they're in the gymnasium and they're in a bigger open space, right? a recognizable flaw yeah you've done incredibly well to to nominate one of the few like inarguably recognizable flaw coverings that we will experience you you wouldn't 100% be able to tell exactly where you are in the basketball court unless you know basketball very well which which this character does and but then they can hear the footsteps of uh of baddies running towards them and they've got this extra length of uh of flexible ducting over their head

kind of dang you know going up and then dangling over and it's quite a long amount and they realize that they're going to have to whip their head back and forth in order to use it as a flail as some kind of weapon some kind of like you know swinging weapon and they can go like that they're kind of like attempting to use their ears you know the the ears the the body's biggest sexual organ and and to to hear these baddies and sort of uh hit them with these things so that then they have a chance to eventually get out sure and as they whip it around i imagine it could could make a really pleasing, deep kind of whistling noise. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Oh, yeah.

That would be very soothing. I mean, they could put the guys to sleep. Or girls. Not all henchmen are men. What does hench mean? What does the hench mean in that scenario? Hench, yeah, that's true. We don't hench mean? What does the hench mean in that scenario? Hench, yeah, that's true. We don't hench.

There's no other use of the word hench. Does hench, to hench, does that mean to help? Does that just mean to be like a supporter? I know to be a mensch, people consider that to be quite a good thing. Sure. Hench, strong, fit, and having well-developed muscles that's it feels like an urban urban dictionary type um definition right there's nothing fun no this is like proper google um definition here oh says there's it says it's from oxford languages

and it says here's the example there's nothing funnier than seeing a really hench guy walking a tiny dog. Okay, so maybe that's why they're called henchmen, because they're sort of strong men. Wow, we got to a really decent and reasonable explanation there very quickly. Yeah, apologies for that i i alistair in your scenario the fact that it was a basketball court almost played no role in the scenario in the end did it no but i mean i painted such a beautiful picture in my mind and then it became well andy how about this suddenly they're whipping this thing around. They're hitting balls off the rack.

The balls are hitting off the walls. And then they're, you know, these are projectiles that are getting swung at these henchmen and women. And then they keep swinging and you keep hitting them again. It's almost like a game of blind pinball. Yeah. I mean, you brought it home there but you got to think about this this thing in a in the sort of the grander scheme of the whole movie and because this suggests that they're either in a sporting facility of some sort or probably in a private school one of of those, maybe like a prestige university.

Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, as soon as you say that they've got a whole rack there that's just like laden with all these basketballs, I definitely think, well, their funding is secure. Whatever this institution is, they're doing okay. The fact that they're able to have – they don't even have to lock away the basketballs at the end of a training session. That's how well they're doing. we're talking very high socioeconomic you know i think from just from that fact we could probably reverse engineer most of the plot of the film right yeah that this is

this kind of a you know um an august you know this is a very ivy league rich institution here now this person who's crawling around in the vents okay they've probably um they sound to me like they could be a um stealing research probably could be stealing research from the university's uh yeah um lab now this person we know they know a lot about basketball because they were able to recognize the floor thing here so maybe there's some sort of program going on at this this school to build like super basketballers using some kind of you know some some some drug that they're injecting into their place reading people based on the purity of their blood nice yeah not nice in that i think that that's a good idea no don't get me wrong yeah yeah i mean we don't know whether or not these people are evil or whether they're right

in any way i mean that's the thing is that if you imagine a group of like mission impossible people but they they're they're part of a far right um you know troop of some sort right yeah so then then they're basing all of their stealing of research decisions off of um you know off of probably misinformation of somebody who's misread a document and and they're like oh that means that this university which is probably too woke for them uh is is attempting to do you know something to create something for humans and they're going to steal it so they can do something else but that's more evil i think that this would actually be a very fun film to write. It's a film where your heroes have been completely consumed by, look, maybe this wouldn't be, maybe you would end up writing something

that is unwatchable and unjustifiable. But the idea of people who are completely consumed that is unwatchable and unjustifiable. But the idea of people who are completely consumed with this conspiracy world and believe it but then are trying to, no, look, I take this back. I'm just describing the Capitol Hill riots or that guy who took a gun into that pizza, cosmic pizza place or yeah i know but but i think i think it actually is a very good um a good setup for a thing because a lot of good movies are based on some misunderstanding and so it starts with a big misunderstanding

like those people who will look like at a bill gates um website and see that he says that, oh, the population will be like a billion less in so many years. And so they're like, he's saying on this website that he's going to kill people. Kill a billion people. Possibly with his bare hands. Yeah. I just have to go deal with something because I think Indiana may not have heard i'm sorry i'll be right back no that's all right and i um it's all right because as as the listeners know i've been bringing a lot to

the podcast so far so i've absolutely um got this you know uh very much uh under control um what was i thinking about earlier before we started? I was imagining something about public transport and I was imagining, yeah, I was imagining if jumbo jets, which are basically the buses of the sky, Jumbo jets, which are basically the buses of the sky, if they operated on the same principle as normal buses and the fact that they would be taking off and landing and taking off and landing every 500 metres or something

through a busy street while people get on and off. And I guess they'd be... So this is jumbo jet mini buses? Yeah, I think it's just jumbo jets but as buses. So, you know, you're taking them off and landing them. A very short flight throughout the city. I imagine smashing over a lot of things and, you know, you're taking them off and landing them, a very short flight throughout the city. I imagine smashing over a lot of things and, you know.

Do they go to incredible altitudes? That's a good question. I don't think that they would. I don't think they'd be able to. I don't think it's realistic that they would get that kind of height. I think they're just on a main road and making these short hops and and yes to smashing and destroying a lot of stuff um but this is like was this like a populist let's put this in

this in a guy who's promised we're not gonna beat nobody under my you know this is a you know populist who's you know this is basically the uh the shared um shared public transport version of i'm gonna put coca-cola in the fountains in the water fountains you know big promise yeah he's like nobody's riding on buses anymore like chumps we're all riding on jumbo jets yeah i i think that's definitely one way it could have gone it you know i i love an alternative universe and i love a you know a sort of a steampunk type thing i guess this is a a world in which we invented planes we but maybe never invented cars and so planes you know like um but i mean i think you want to you want to have the planes have evolved to occupy every transport niche and so there are planes that do the role of buses i know but i think you want cars in this world because it creates much more mess.

You're right. It does create the chaos. With the jumbo jets. You know, I think they invented cars, but they never invented buses. I think you could, it might be an interesting experiment to get a computer. Yeah. It might be an interesting experiment to get a computer that – and what you do is you train it with cars, right, and you get it to model traffic, photorealistic, like just incredibly high levels of detail of modelling traffic.

And then one day you just swap out all the car models in its memory banks for airplanes of different sizes. Yeah. And you just watch it try and run its model with airplanes instead of cars. Now, that's not a sketch idea. No, no. I guess it's more of a prank that you could play on a computer. Yeah.

I mean, I did come across a guy just recently on social media who basically just like he just he looks at these models of cars driving under certain gravity conditions and then crashing and then he goes all right let's see if i would survive in these crashes on like in the gravity on the jupiter and on the moon and things like that and on earth and then no matter how bad the crash is he goes yeah i'd survive that that's an incredible um yeah i love love whatever that is that's happening there yeah i think that would be a great um advertising campaign for that guy for for i don't know no well for some sort of um car company oh yeah would be to send it on to another planet send a couple of cars to another planet and crash

them there and like if you were releasing a new like four-wheel drive all-terrain vehicle right and then you said and then you were like okay what we're gonna do is we're gonna shoot it into jupiter with this incredible like camera system to be able to watch it go through jupiter yeah and then crash into it and crash into whatever's in there. Whatever's in there. Find out. You know, and show how its suspension can handle it. Oh, that would be, yeah.

How good would that be? That's so compelling. You know, they say it's an all-terrain vehicle. What about gas? Well, all gas is a terrain yeah jupiter that's a terrain you know like because i mean could all right can it handle going 300 000 kilometers an hour and flying through a gas dense um hydrogen atmosphere of a gas giant, yeah. Oh, is it hydrogen?

Could you just hit a spark there and it would just go up? No, because I don't think there's oxygen there. That's the thing. Oh. What if it, is it BYO oxygen? I think it might be if you want to set fire to the atmosphere. It might not be a hydrogen atmosphere, but I just have a feeling. Given that it's a gas giant and hydrogen is by an enormous amount margin the most abundant gas

in the universe i'm assuming that that a lot of it is hydrogen what's your second guess of what what is mostly there are you looking it up right now? No, I haven't yet. Okay. My second guess. Now, I know that methane is a surprisingly common, but no, it'll be ammonia. It'll be NH4. Alistair?

Yeah? Break it to me gently. What is the gas makeup? It says it's similar to that of the sun, mostly hydrogen and helium. So, I mean, I got nothing else to tell you right now. But, I mean, why is it brown and then yellow and things like that? Yeah, it doesn't make sense, does it? A bit more.

There's something else going on there. There's that red bit. Here's the thing. You know, I've talked to you about um ethanol in petrol uh you may have done yeah right because i was like it doesn't make sense it never made sense to me that this little thing that's just a tiny you know a cent cheaper or sometimes like five cents cheaper or whatever um i was like then it's got ethanol in it. So it can have up to 10% ethanol, right?

And then they make it cheaper. Okay. I was like, okay, but I'm pretty sure there's probably going to be less energy in ethanol than there is in petrol, whatever. What is the hydrocarbon in petrol?

What is the, do you know? I don't know what it is. Anyway. I don't know what the molecules are. No, I don't know what we're talking about here. So it turns out ethanol has 30% less energy than petrol, right?

So, that means that if there's 10% in there, that means that you're getting 3% less energy than you would. Now, I calculated it today and I did get something that was about four cents less for some reason i bought the ethanol one and i was i was being i was annoyed already just as i was filling up yeah right and so and this is right before i did the research again and so so it's three percent less energy and it was maybe like two two 2.5% cheaper. Yeah. Right? So, it's not a big loss.

But it also means that I have to fill up my car again 3% sooner. Oh, and now this is starting to sound bad. Can I tell you some more information that you won't like? There's actually, I so far cannot find a single benefit to to fill it to having the ethanol thing but yeah tell me more facts because i'm ready to be more angry well okay here's the benefit of the ethanol thing and this is why they do it right it's because that's a biofuel so that comes from like cane sugar or something like that or maybe i. I would be surprised if they still do get it from that, but I can imagine initially that's where they were doing it, right?

Because it was pushing up food prices. Where would you say that they're getting it from? I just imagine it would be part of the refining process of crude oil. No, ethanol is not part of the refining process. Ethanol is like that's a organic chemical that you get from plants and shit right right so it is a biofuel the breakdown of cellulose this is this is one of the reasons that they're burning the amazon by the way so they can grow this stuff so that it we it we have less um emissions you know novel carbon emissions i mean it's still the same

number of emissions but because it's still the same number of emissions but because it's being taken out of the atmosphere by the stuff that's growing it's you know it's circular in that way but i'm convinced i don't have anything to back this up that by making that stuff um it would be much more expensive to produce than petrol. So the only reason that they are then able to offer it as a cheaper product at the pump must be because the fuel excise on it as a more sustainable fuel is cheaper. So the government is subsidising it basically. So it's being subsidised by paying taxes.

So if you are getting that half a percent that you calculated benefit in the cost, that's probably being subsidised to a huge extent by extra payment from subsidies and government sort sort of stuff i lost interest in what i was saying and uh but it was mostly speculation it's mostly speculation but i think it's you know i think it's but it's going to be the justifiable way in which it could be possibly be cheaper something that is more expensive to to make yes um yes so is there a sketch in this um i mean it feels like you know it's like the big short right it's gonna have to be one of those ones where you do a lot of explaining yeah yeah it'll be a sketch a lot like the big short i mean the first thing that came to mind yeah it'll be called the big hydrocarbon okay yeah good um the the thing

that comes to mind is you know how people say like when you can pay complain to a um a low level employee yeah people are like they're not making any of these decisions they're um you know they're just doing a job why are you making their day harder well is there any way we can spin that and do a twist on that where it is that low-level employees fault it turns out that they secretly were the one who um proposed campaign for and profits from the entire ethanol-based fuel. Well, yeah, but they're just on the down low. They're somehow doing the whole thing on the down low. A lot of the people in the company,

they don't know where all this ethanol is coming from. Who's pulling all the strings. Who's pulling the strings. It's just money is just somehow leaving their bank account and then ethanol is appearing um big barrels of it they're like well i guess we better pour it into here and we've tried we spent so much money trying to get to the bottom of this that it's pushing up the price of the ethanol uh yeah i don't know if there's a sketch in it unfortunately hey i thought that the low that it's pushing up the price of the ethanol.

Yeah, I don't know if there's a sketch in it, unfortunately. Andy, I thought that the low-level employee thing was going to be a thing that works. Okay, okay. If you think so, Alistair, I mean, I'm always just living in fear of disappointing you by trying to push for something that isn't, that you don't feel is a sketch, but if you feel it, it could be a sketch, Alistair.

The amount that I was talking there should have signaled some enthusiasm for the idea i'll take it i mean i understand that only yes means yes but you i mean i should have said yes andy what about this is a job right a thing that you can do in the like instead of um ethanol fuel right yeah what if when you get onto a road, okay, there's a whole lot of ropes moving along the road, along the side of the road, right, and you can hook your car up to one of those ropes and get pulled along, not pulled along very hard

but pulled along just some small percentage, right? You know, an extra 2%, 3% of thrust. And where that comes from is that that rope goes all the way to somebody's house, okay? And somebody's just sitting there in the living room as a side hustle in their downtime while they're watching TV. They're pulling on this rope. And everybody could have a bit of rope and everybody could have a bit of rope and then they everybody could have a bit of rope and you can pull on it anytime you want it's sort of like uber but for pulling on things but you just pull could there be a way of combining the ropes like i'm sure there is with pulleys and shit like that we could all be

working together but you know but i'm sure we could do some sort of analysis and exactly exactly just in your downtime you could be pulling in just a just a little bit right we could do the analysis and i reckon i'm gonna just go out on a limb i'm gonna say 30 percent of all mechanical industry involves pulling pulling of some kind mostly pulling and people can do that everybody can pull you've got arms you can pull okay and you can you you know a lot of the time pull it your eye your arms are idle you know you're doing thinking work or you're not even working at all you're mostly looking with mostly working with your eyes sometimes, especially if you have a computer. Okay.

This is just, you know, and you could have one hand just for pulling. And then through this system of ropes, it's all ropes. I'm picturing big old hemp ropes. I don't know what hemp rope, but I'm picturing big ropes, yeah, big thick ropes. Running through these, you know, systems of pulleys all over the city. Everywhere you go, you just give a little pull and you're earning. If you're pulling, you're earning money. You have a little app, you log on.

You know what this is, Andy? This is rope-a-punk. This is rope- well i don't i don't i don't know i don't know if this is a punk thing oh i mean i understand why you say that alistair but for me the the the core of this is is is a spin on a sharing economy, gig economy type thing. It was a populist, and he was like, I'm bringing ropes back, and people are like, yeah!

These are just regular people, Andy. These are salt of the earth people. They love rope. Oh, it's something they understand, isn't it? Remember ropes? Remember when if you wanted to move a thing, you used a rope? You just pull on it with a rope? I think, I mean, Alistair, this is now my favourite bit of the idea.

I want to ditch everything else, but I love this. And this is your second populist pitch of the episode. Let me tell you, as currently the only audience for this, I'm loving this new populist thing you've got going, and it's very popular with me. Remember sketches about populists who would bring things back? Yeah! I'm bringing that back but i actually i probably would be sucked into and vote for a politician who promised to bring

back ropes yeah the absolute target demographic for it i mean whenever somebody ties things down on a trailer with one of those strap things i'm like what happened to ropes i know you're exactly people who think that they're connected to their hands in some way and that they should use them no way no way i'm falling for that i'm starting i'm i'm gonna be part of the resistance, which is people using pocket knives. Alistair, I reckon that you're going to be one of those first people to sign up to become a being of pure energy. When they refine that technology and you're able to transcend your physical form, you are going to be right there. Well, you know what's going to be great about not having any muscles is that there's no chance that you will be tense well unless you are tense at the moment at which

they they transform you into being a pure energy and then that tension is probably going to be part of your essence for eternity andy, Andy, Andy, think about this. Yes. I am solid. Even if I'm at my most relaxed, right? Even if I'm at my most loosey-goosey, there is no chance that when I become energy, a thing that is even more loosey-goosey than gas, right? There's no chance that i am going to be in any way tense no i disagree because i think that uh in turning you into a being of pure energy yeah we need to be able to identify the essence of what it is that is you, okay, and transform that. That is the thing that

will be preserved. Now, what is that thing? Well, that is a series of brain patterns, okay, that reflect your experience of your internal and external world. And if part of those patterns and part of that internal world is your feeling of tension then that will be encoded into those patterns when those patterns are transformed into pure energy the patterns will go with it and the experience of tension will be with you for eternity but think about this though andy i'm a being of pure energy so i'm probably traveling at the speed of light right yeah so first of all i will not even experience the passage of time until i'm doing something and then i think i will be too distracted to even think about how i'm feeling because i'll be doing something and then I'll bounce off and then I won't even experience time again until I'm doing something again.

And so I think I'm going to be too busy to be tense. It's interesting. Yeah. Because, I mean, you think about it, right? If there is a beam of light that is hitting us from those galaxies that the James Webb telescope has just seen, right, from 13 billion years ago. Yeah. They are hitting this James Webb telescope. That's the first knowledge that they get that anything's happened since the Big Bang for them. Yeah.

Isn't that interesting? Well, since they left that star. for them yeah isn't that interesting this is a light that's there i mean but light would then if they don't experience if light doesn't experience time when it's traveling then it wouldn't experience the travel at all would it it would it wouldn't experience space yeah from its point of view there would be no distance between two things that it interacts with. Yeah, because maybe there isn't. Fuck, Alistair. I like this. Yeah.

I'm sure that physicists are all over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just got a little thrill if we might have just discovered something. Well, because it's like in movies when nobody goes to the bathroom, right? Yeah. That's what it's like. Or a cold yeah yeah that's what it's like for light all the time there's it's all the good stuff none of the stuff in between none of the fucking around kind of garbage it's all of the it's all

destination no journey first look i don't even know what the sketch is here but first being of pure energy talking about the benefits yeah i mean what if i think there's a good sketch in which it's a sitcom, right, where, you know, and you know the classic sitcom thing is that, like, there's the lazy husband, there's the beautiful but uptight wife, you know, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's a classic sitcom but one of the people in the family is the first person

to become a being of pure energy. So it's all your standard family hijinks and dynamics, but the husband has become this creature of pure energy and is playing havoc with their relationship. They can't get along. and it is playing havoc with their relationship. They can't get along. I could imagine that there would be some hurdles to overcome because he's always going. He's so fast-paced, isn't he?

Well, possibly. I mean, I think that might be, I think the details of it we'll have to work on and we might even have to basically just replace him with a sort of a glowing orb. Yeah, just a light bulb on a wire. Exactly, right. Yeah. We'll work that out with the set, you know, the art department. But, you know, think of all the classic stuff like she wants him to empty the bins and that kind of

thing he's like baby i'm a being of pure energy exactly well it didn't seem like that in bed last night something like that you know the classic ow that's somebody talking complaining to me yeah no that's good i think a sitcom also where everybody's called al and everybody can i call me al can i can i tell you a funny moment that happened yesterday at my house i was listening to a bit of comedy somebody performing in new zealand um i forget the guy's name but he he did you would you'd probably remember this guy he used to he was from the uk and he did like a hospital radio show anyway i ivan ivanackenbury, something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then while I'm listening to it, he goes, so basically what it is is that he sets it up by saying,

oh, this person, I'm sending out a big hello to this person who's got this condition. They lost their fingers, whatever then and then they play a song and the lyrics will be a joke or make the whole thing a joke right anyway and so then he goes and this one goes out to alistair who is experiencing um who's experiencing pre, what is it? Fuck, no. What's the thing when you come too fast? Premature ejaculation.

He's experiencing premature ejaculation. And then Indiana from the other room says, is he talking about you? about you not not in a joke way but i think it had not in a joke way was because she just thought you know you never hear of anybody else called alistair but yeah but i want you to know i had a very funny time i had a good time enjoying that uh uh andy we've come up with five sketch ideas we've had a great time right you would agree with that wouldn't you oh yeah oh yeah yeah thanks for not leaving me hanging there andy um well we've got three words from a listener and you know i don't know if you know this but we have listeners and one of them is called poopoo bum bum man

poopoo bum bum man people yeah the poopoo bum bum bum i hope one day poopoo bum bum man reveals themselves although i think they may have at one point and then i've just forgotten would you be in any way interested in finding out who poo-poo bum-bum man is? Unmasking the bum-bum man? I don't think you unmask. I think you dack a bum-bum man. You do dack a bum-bum. I think I'd like to find out possibly on my deathbed.

Poo-poo bum-bum man, if you ever find out that I'm ill, if your identity could be the thing that I discover in my final moment, I think I'd actually really like that. Yeah. I mean, I think I'm probably set up to be the person to make that happen for him. So it looks like it's going to be a fair bit of work for me. And I got to time this pretty well. Can you try and die in a predictable way?

Could you make sure that you choose how you die? You know, for whatever. What about Alistair? Say it's for dignity reasons, but really it's just to help me out. Alistair, you and I both know how I'm going to die. It's crossing the road. Yeah, it's either crossing the road or sawing something.

Or both. No, that's how I'm going to lose the fingers on one arm. Oh, that's true. Crossing the road is arrogantly crossing the road. Yeah. Is how you are going to die, yeah. Okay. And you'll probably be there.

You're laughing at first oh my god i watched this video yesterday god it was a bit it was a bit horrific but i i also find it funny right it was two guys robbing a vape shop. Right? Okay. And this guy kind of is like, the guy who's behind the counter has kind of been a bit coy at first. He's like, why are you guys wearing those masks? Like that. Like he doesn't know what's going on.

And he's a young guy. He's probably younger than us. And then one guy kind of steals the tip jar and he goes, oh, just take the money but leave the coins because I need that change, right? He's being very practical. But then the guy, one of the guys reaches over and grabs something else, probably something more expensive, right? And so then he kind of starts to run away. But then the other guy the shorter guy

jumps like over the over the counter now this is where the horrible bit comes in the guy who's behind the counter grabs something it may be a knife it may be something just sharp and he really just starts stabbing stabbing this guy right like like quite quickly and the guy who's the guy who's behind the counter and this is that that's obviously the horrible but the guy the guy who jumped over the counter yeah yeah the guy who jumped over the counter is going oh jeez i'm dead i'm dead oh god like that like he's he's realizing what's happened you know straight away he's like and he's basically then he then he just like

he kind of just then he kind of is just like all right he kind of like submits essentially and then the guy kind of like drops him outside of the lock area but then when i looked up an ad like i like a i looked up a news story about it because i i was like god i hope this guy was okay because that was awful in a way but you know but also a little bit funny anyway there was no news on how he's how that guy's doing, but he was in hospital. I love that there's audio of this. Well, yeah, because he's going, oh, I'm dead. That's it.

Oh, I'm dead. Like he was like regretting it instantly. He's like, I shouldn't have robbed this thing. I'm getting stabbed. This is awful. I mean, did he have a weapon? I don't know. I shouldn't have robbed this thing I'm getting stabbed This is awful I mean did he have a weapon? I don't know I don't think so

I'm not sure If he did he wasn't using it very well Maybe he's like a He's like a A person in a band who says My voice is my instrument Maybe Maybe he thought.

Maybe his voice is his weapon. Would you say that he was robbing that place a cappella? Yeah. It's that interesting? Martial arts really is the acapella version. Yeah. I'm just going to write that down, that idea, robbing at acapella. You've got to put that in a stand-up bit.

He was just there, and all he had was his voice. Oh. He was just there and all he had was his voice. I'm doing it acapella. I need a gun. I hope he pulls through. I think we should just do a full podcast series on that guy. Find out who he is find out and then and then you know how his life got to that point and then how he's recovering from there hopefully he recovers i think we should also do a podcast full podcast series where it's just us watching video of robberies cctv of robberies andy that's probably very doable and reacting to it

yeah it's us reacting to robberies i think look andy i would do that with you i mean i know that we say we should do a podcast a lot about various things but i would do that with you andy um do you think from now on alistair we're exclusively doing financially rewarding podcasts okay we're only doing ones that are going to really going to be huge yeah then we may as well make this on a video podcast because people are going to want to see our faces yeah okay now can i stay we have some words from poo poo bum bum and yeah poo poo bum oh so you're going bum bum bum bum bum i just like to roll it together okay yeah sorry all right do you want to try and guess what the words are yeah the first word is owl. Jeez, you were close in the number of letters. It was actually two letters rather than three, but you were close.

It's the first word is my. My. Yeah. Let's see. Second word, back. My back. Yeah. No, no's see. Uh, second word, back. My back. Yeah. No, no, no. And you're really far away in terms of the number of letters.

Oh, no. Yeah. The second word is favorite. Uh, is the third word Mulder? My favorite Mulder. Mulder, M-U-L-D-E-R? Yes. No.

Damn. The third word is son. My favorite son. Yeah. Speaking of. Yeah. Do I have a favorite son? Well, not do you have.

Which one is it? Well, not do you have, which one is it? I genuinely don't think I have a favourite son. I think I have a son at the moment who probably I am closest to. Yeah, right. I have a son who I find the most entertaining. Yeah. And I have another son who I find the most entertaining. Yeah. And I have another son who I find the most impressive. But.

Yeah. And I think it's best if you don't outline which one of those. Which one or which. Yeah. No, I won't. But, you know, it constantly evolves. But the closest one is not the one you're impressed, the most impressed by or. No. Or the other thing um all right so my favorite son

they see the thing is that there's no other word there's no other meaning for favorite is there um well i mean i guess there's favorite in the sense of, you know, racing and that sort of thing about who you think is most likely to win. Yeah. And I guess that's probably what also being most impressed with one is like, right? The most impressive one. Yes. But it could also just be, I mean, you could be most impressed with one that you think very low of and that is actually achieving standard, you know, even minimum standards. Indeed.

Yeah, my favorite son. be a could there be a game show in which um you get families on and you do get you know groups of children to compete to see who is the best i mean it yeah yeah or like know, it's for families with three kids or more. And I guess you handicap them all for age, you know, balancing out their age. Yep. And then you actually find out which is the best kid. And then that one gets sent to a special school and gets to live with a rich family. Oh, that's nice. They actually leave the family.

I think what about this, right? It's the parents. The parents, I think, they don't have to still be in a relationship, right? Yeah. But you get the parents and the parents actually have to, oh, this is good. This is the concept, right? Yeah. It's exclusively divorced parents, right?

Yeah. But you have to get them together on the show. The divorced parents, so then there's a competition that their children have to compete in. The divorced parents have to place bets on which child they think will win or like pick whichever child they think will win and then whichever parent's favourite child wins, that parent gets the money. I think this is such a beautifully sick yeah and do they get do they get um custody of the kids no well i mean i'm picturing it as adult i'm

picturing it's adult children as well oh well there because there is there is also like you know a certain like a part of that would be it shows a certain attention that you've paid to your kids you know oh look maybe some of it can be dumb luck yeah some of it can be dumb luck but also you know sometimes if you haven't paid um attention to your kids in the right way they might become um you know extremely cutthroat or resourceful or, you know, nothing worse than a resourceful kid, you know, who really fails. But don't you have to pick which one will be most resourceful or something like that? Is that what the idea was? Yeah, you have to try and, yeah, estimate, guesstimate.

Okay, you know, you're right. You know, you're right. Maybe, you know, through inattention, they've realized that they can, that they're more driven through spite to beat their parent. Yeah, I know you're right. I think the show is called Playing Favorites. I think this is a really good idea. Yeah. How should I write it down?

Divorced parents. And then at the end, you reveal which parent voted for which kid so you get they all go to dinner together right yeah you reveal which parent voted for which kid um you reveal which kids won um to everybody and then then they all have to sit there and eat dinner together. Andy, I've forgotten what the idea was. It's called Playing Favourites. It's a competition to see which – where divorced parents bet on which child is the best. I think that's – I think that's really, like there's a lot of fucked up game shows out there and I can, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, Alistair. Alistair, come on. Come on. Yeah, 101.56. When did you stop? As long as we've still got the thing. That's good.

No, okay, Alistair. Well, they can't hear me waiting to hear you say them, but I don't okay so everybody alistair's recording has stopped he's now going to tell me the sketch ideas and i'm going to repeat them to you okay the first one is mission impossible but they are sick they're too good so they have to handicap themselves by making them sick. Yep, that's right. Okay, next one. Movie, but they're all in what? They're all in the vents.

It's an entirely vent-based movie. It's the movie event of the summer. It's the movie event of the summer it's the vent event of the summer all right all right mission impossible team i feel like we came up with this idea just a couple of weeks ago but i i love it now jumbo jets used as buses this is it could be this is the first populist this is the first populist. This is the first populist idea. Yeah. Low-level employee that is responsible for the big problem. It is their fault, and you are complaining to the right person. Ah, the pulley rope system.

This is rope populism. This is somebody's bringing back ropes. Remember ropes? Remember when we used to do things with ropes? Rope punk. Yeah, I would vote for that. First being of pure energy talking about the benefits. There you go.

And then robbing a place acapella. You didn't write down my idea about the sitcom with the being of pure energy, but that's okay. He's writing it down now. So sitcom where there's a being of pure energy. Yeah, and what was the very last thing that we talked about oh the favorite son favorite playing favorites such a good idea such a good idea oh and i gotta do this song all by myself. You can't hear this listeners, but Alistair is weeping at how beautiful that was. He's actually in tears and he says that I've always been the best at the music bit.

So thanks so much for listening. Please buy a copy of Gustav and Henry Volume 2, now available. I recommend dropping by Booktopia. You can pick yourself up a copy. And we love you. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. We love you.