Two In The Think Tank - 347 - "CUCUMBERING"

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

Get Him To The Greek Salad, Gordian Salad, Second Day, UnPuffed Daddy, Cucumbering, Flicking Cigarette, Secret Salad DietGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereBraised thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. hunkity hunkity bung, bungity hunkity hunkity bung, bung, bung, hunkity hunkity bung. Welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I am Alistair George William Trombley-Birchall.

I've heard it said. I've heard it said. That's the word on the street. And Andy and I've heard yours yelled in the middle of the night. By the landlord. I don't know. I'm picturing the landlord from the movie The Mask. That lady who comes out with the bits of cucumber on her eyes. What's with that? What's with the bits of cucumber on the eyes? I think it might help. It helps with puffiness.

Yeah, sure. I mean, I guess there's also the person who had to figure that out, which bits helps with puffy, which vegetable helps with puffiness. Which element of the Greek salad helps with puffiness. Yeah. Maybe it was discovered by accident. Like most good discoveries, you think that maybe they were trying to make a Greek salad. I think there was an explosion at the Greek salad factory.

Well, maybe they were trying to also discover the Greek salad. Sure. The salad that satisfied the Greeks the most. Okay. What is it? But then in the middle of working on it, they had various vegetables there and fruits, if we're counting tomatoes. Yes. And they've got like pumpkin.

They've got thin slices of pumpkin, thin slices of roasted pumpkin. They've got thin slices of… Sounds actually like a fantastic Greek salad. I mean, it's got… I mean, as soon as you've got anything roasted in there, it feels like you're pushing the boundary of what a salad actually is into something that's dangerously close to being enjoyable and is therefore probably no longer technically a salad actually is into something that's dangerously close to being enjoyable and is therefore probably no longer technically a salad.

I love Greek salad, Andy. I love Greek salad. But now that you're telling me you put these roasted ingredients in there, I'm starting to wonder, do I even know what a Greek salad is, Alistair? No, but there is no pumpkin in Greek salad. Oh, I see. This is a person testing out different things that they could put in this salad to see what Greeks will enjoy. Taking all the elements of the periodic table of salads.

Tomato, onion, red onion. So you like a Greek salad that is just your fat slices of tomato. You like your rockety business. Why would you assume I... Chunks of bad quality feta, big chunks of sort of floury, crumbly feta. Why would you assume that I like bad Greek salad? I do. Why would you assume that I like bad Greek salad?

I do. But the key to Greek salad is to having it with chips, and that's the whole meal. Wow. Yeah. Okay. That's really interesting because, I mean, there's a wild disparity in the health food star rating of the two components of the meal. It's the whole Mediterranean diet in a salad. Yes. Right?

And then chips. With chips. The whole British diet. You see? And then you have them together, and it's the hot and the cold. It's the healthy and the unhealthy. It's the crunchy and the soft. It's the hot and the cold it's the healthy and the unhealthy it's the crunchy and the soft it's the bland and the sour you know it all just works together it's real good anyway so

this person's they're trying all the all the ingredients that could go in a thing and they're so tired from trying different combinations because this is like trying trying to pick and in you know it's like trying to you know uh brute force an insane you know combination lock yeah it's a combination lock where there's you know not just nine numbers there's there's as many numbers as there are possible things you could put in a greek salad yeah but then also the different relative proportions thereof. That's right. And it's not just a lock. These are the whole of the Greek people that you're trying to unlock.

That you're trying to crack. You're trying to crack with this salad, you see. And so this person is tired. You're trying to get their mouth to open. Exactly. This is for me, I'm now picturing a scenario in which some very precious secrets are being kept in a large Greek man's mouth. And they don't need a safe cracker. What they need is one of the best sous chefs in the business to prepare the most tempting Greek salad. He's got his ear pressed against the Greek man's cheek

to hear his salivary glands start to squirt as he gets the various correct components. They've dried clothes, right? And it takes a certain amount of mouth juice just to just to break through that seal maybe this is and you never see this you never see like the tomb of alexander the great or anything in any of these tomb raider type movies right they're always going to the egyptians or you know maybe a phoenician maybe a Chinese emperor. What about Alexander the Great? I think he'd probably be full of bits and bobs in his tomb. So you need to do one of these where he's

got an enormous statue of his head. And the only way to open it, to gain entry into the tomb, is by preparing the perfectly proportioned Greek salad that will cause his mouth to open. And, okay, well now you've switched through so many ideas because at first it sounded like an ancient Greek parable about, you know, and it sounded like a guy who was called, like, you know, closed mouth Soph like a guy who was called like, you know, closed mouth Sophiles, right?

Yeah. And he keeps a little bit of parchment in his mouth with a secret in it. And the only way to get that secret is to, you know, give him the thing. But then you're unlocking an actual statue. That works perfectly well. But I'm like one of those lizards that can run across the surface of water. I've just got to keep moving. Or I'll sink into one of the sketch ideas and might actually end up fleshing it out in some way.

That's right. I don't have time for that. I had a late night last night. I'm skimming along. Oh, I had a late night. Here I am talking. I can't afford to be talking right now. I'm supposed to be writing.

When you wake up in the night, when you get up in the night, right, so you go to bed, you get up in the night, right, and you're up for a couple of hours in the night, and then you go back to bed again, right, that's like a second secret day that you've discovered, or you're trying to build another day. Maybe you get up, you have a little breakfast. You do this.

This is a great thing to do as a parent, is that you can carve out an entirely new day for yourself within the uncharted lands of sleep. It's like colonising a new continent, but one that is truly uninhabited, the night world. And, of course, there are consequences. You also ruin your life during the day. But now you have your own night day.

But now you live two lives, one that's going really well and one that's ruined. Well, they're probably both pretty bad. And the one that's ruined is just the one where you're subservient to other people. Total servitude. Okay, so I've finally written down your closed mouth ancient Greek idea. Yeah, cool. But the first one about this person trying to find the combination uh do you think there's anything in the in the china so anyway they got so tired

right and they fell asleep and there were bits and bits of vegetables everywhere including two pieces of cucumber over their eyes and then they woke up and all of the puffiness in their eyes, or at least some, at least a noticeable amount, or maybe nothing. Maybe somebody just gave them a compliment about their eyes the next day. And then they went, oh, well, this cucumber must have magical properties. I think, yeah, I think something along those lines could absolutely work i i do like the idea of an explosion you know they're experimenting away and they you know

they mix some things together there is a huge explosion they're knocked unconscious right and they fall to the ground cucumbers on their eyes wake up cucumbers on their eyes or maybe they're taken they're rescued and taken to hospital where the doctor peels off the cucumbers, right, off their eyes. And they say, nurse, get in here, right? And the nurse rushes in. They're like, do these eyes look puffy to you? And he's like, he, it's a male nurse. He says, no, no.

Why do you ask? The doctor says, exactly. And, you know, something like that something like that i mean in fact these look like the least puffy eyes i've ever seen they're so thin the oh so beautifully over them it's it's like it's bone and then skin. It's like there's nothing in between. There's no muscle, there's no fat, and there's no liquid of any sort. It is quite the opposite of puffy. I would say it's antonym, the other word. Unpuffy.

Depuffed. Deflated. Don't worry about it. Yeah, look, I think there's summit in it, Alistair. But what do you think about my idea about second day? Maybe somebody starts doing this, right? A parent starts doing this, making their own secret day in the middle of the night, okay? And then they discover there's an entire culture of other parents who are also doing the same thing, right? And maybe they start their own society, right? Second day society. Second day society. And in second day, it's like you've got a whole new personality. Oh, but then somebody ruins it by falling in love and starting a new family. Second day family.

In their second day family. They broke the one rule of second day family. Don't start a second family in your second day. Yeah. Emily, in your second day. Yeah. Both times that you've started talking about second days, I've been writing. So, I was wondering, when exactly is the second day? It's in the middle of the night.

It's just like three hours or whatever. So, you're in your sleep period. Yeah. Okay. You set a little alarm, maybe a vibrating alarm on your watch and you wake up in the middle of the night, you know, say 1.30 a.m., okay? Yeah. And then you sneak out, you get fully dressed for the day, okay? Put on your suit.

You put on your suit or whatever, you make yourself a little breakfast, probably not a lot, not a very big one because you don't need a lot of food in the middle of the night. And, you know, I'd love for you to be able to do something to make it seem bright like it's daytime it sounds like intermittent intermittent eating you're waking up in the middle of your fast just have a little meal yeah okay so you just have a full day a full mini day yeah you have a quick a quick day in the middle of the night you know that's just for you i'm gonna write it down do you have any like kind of like sketch sort of type things for it um well i mean the thing where he makes the mistake

he meet you know he meets the other people who are the people of the night, right, who are also having a second day. They're out there riding their bicycles or whatever, running around, playing football, chasings and stuff. I guess it's just a much shorter day, so you've got to do everything quickly. You still get three meals in. Yeah, sure, sure. Over three hours.

But it's all these people trying to live their lives, you know. You still get three meals in. Yeah, sure, sure. Over three hours. But it's all these people trying to live their lives, you know, recapture some time for themselves. That's right. But then – and maybe he makes a friend who teaches him the ways and the rules of second day, the night day, and then tells him the most important rule, which is don't fall in love the night day. In second love.

In second love, yes. And then he – but then he breaks that rule. So he's not doing this with his wife? I suppose he could be. Yeah. But, you know. But I mean – Yeah, I mean I understand that the cheating component makes it a bit less fun. But I don't think it is –

The cheating component, you know, that side of things. You know, it makes it feel a bit grubby in some way. But I think if they're just trying to squeeze a full day, I know I'm ruining your idea, but if they try to squeeze in a full day in this little day, right, they have breakfast, lunch and dinner, but everything's smaller. It's proportionally smaller by the proportion, by the size of the day. Yes. And you just eat it at a smaller bowl.

Yes. Same fullness of the bowl, it's just a smaller bowl. Right? Same thing with plates and things like that. And you just eat it at a smaller bowl. Yes. Same fullness of the bowl, it's just a smaller bowl. Right? Same thing with plates and things like that. And you have like a spaghetti. You're riding a smaller bicycle. A smaller bicycle. You're putting on tighter clothes.

Yeah, great. Everything's smaller. It does also mean that it has less impact on the world. On the environment. Although probably ultimately it will have more because you're actually adding it on to the stuff that you also do during the day. I know, but you will be so inactive during the day of your regular life because of how tired you'll be.

You'll actually be going on way less trips and doing less things with your family. You'll just kind of be lounging a lot more. Yeah, yeah, true. Certainly be going on a lot less things with your family. You'll just kind of be lounging a lot more. Yeah, yeah, true. Certainly be going on a lot less trips with your family when your wife finds out about what you've been up to at night and leaves you. Yeah, well, that's only if you're the cheating thing and also if she's not doing that as well. Remember how tempting it is.

It's true. I'm really excited about this idea, Alistair. I think it's really fun. It's already written down, so you don't even need to be excited. Oh, thank God. I could drop the pretense. No, it's not even the pretense. It's just it's happened.

It's already happened. You can make this. You can go out and film this now you could go out and live it do you think you would ask your wife like if in real life you've discovered that this is something that you want to try do you think you'd run it by your your beloved um yeah i mean i think i think that would be a good a good question you know a good a good thing that you suggest it to your wife. Would you mind if I did this?

Well, it would only be while you're asleep. So it doesn't actually affect you in any way. Other than during the day and how incapacitated I will be during the first day. Can you refer to the day? Also, I will ask you to now refer to the day as the first day. Can we refer to the day? Also, I will ask you to now refer to the day as the first day. You could call it, I guess it could be day day and night day. Maybe? I guess so.

Day alpha? Today day and today night. The slices of cucumbers, Alistair, I'd love a situation in which it's necessary to put them all over somebody's body. You know, completely cover their body in little cubes. So you're not even sure if there actually is a person under there. Well, there probably won't be after you've de-puffed them entirely.

Yeah, that's right. Could you de-puff the bones? I wonder if that would be a way you could kill someone. Take all the puff out of them. Yeah. Actually, the body needs a certain amount of puff. Turns out. And then there's somebody, you know, a detective looking at the, you go, oh my god, this wasn't supposed to happen like that because you didn't realise that the body needed a certain amount of puff

and then there's a detective who's like checking their body out and he goes cucumber you know he finds like a cucumber seed on their you know in their belly button or something yeah yeah it's like well that doesn't seem like something that would be bad. And then they go to, you know, they go to other clues and stuff like that. And then eventually they're doing something else later on that something clicks. Maybe they get some forensic test results back from the lab. And they, you know, the guy runs in with it and he says, but look at this number here. His body is completely out of puff.

Completely puffless. It's completely puffless. Is that bad? Because, well, because I mean at some point. Nobody talks about it, but it's one of the important vital indicators. Yeah. You know how you would get around that now then? Is you would put the body into the lake.

You put the body into a lake. Into a lake, you see. So you completely de-puff them to death with slices of cucumber. But then you don't want it to be traceable back to you and all your cucumbers or whatever, you know, because you've probably recently been buying a shitload of cucumber. But then you don't want it to be traceable back to you and all your cucumbers or whatever, you know, because you've probably recently been buying a shitload of cucumbers. You know, if somebody said, anybody come in here and bought a lot of cucumbers?

You'd go, yeah, it was Andy. Straight away, you're done, right? Yeah, I don't think, that's the thing though. I don't think any of the police are monitoring cucumber purchases. Like, they probably have some automatic thing that like detects people buying suspicious amounts of rat poison or something like that but i don't think there even is a suspicious quantity of cucumbers there's no hitherto there's never been a threshold beyond which not not legally not suspicious legally but i think if you walk in and you

fill a trolley up with cucumbers and you ask you ask the guy at the grocery say you guys got any more cucumbers at the back like that and you've already got basketball right i think that there's a there's a sort of societal suspicious amount of cucumbers. Is this a sketch? Just somebody who goes in and maybe it's – could it be a disturbing trend, you know, that is being reported about on the news or something like that? You know, certainly if teens were doing it and they were buying all the cucumbers. That's right, yeah. Parents would be worried. Yeah, but also like straight away supermarkets would get on board

with putting limits on teenagers buying a certain amount, no more than two cucumbers each or whatever. They would have no problem. They're so happy to stop teenagers from doing things. Oh, they'll put the cucumbers behind the counter. That's really funny. The cucumbers are now behind the counter and if you want a cucumber, you've got to ask for it.

Then they need to see some ID and check that you're over 18. Like when you're buying painkillers, they check your ID and they keep track because you're only allowed to buy so many. It goes into a national database. But what is it that the teens are doing? Because it's a bit like drugs and it's also a bit like spray cans or something like that.

So they don't like young people to buy lots of spray cans because they reckon they're using them for graffiti or whatever. Yeah, and that's absolutely what they're using them for. Yeah. Oh, no, they could be chroming. They could be chroming. Give them some credit, please. Huffing that gas.

Huffing it. So what are people doing with the cucumbers? And I want to make it absolutely clear to you that it's nothing sexual. No, no, no. I think a lot of people have probably already leapt to that conclusion. They could just be eating them. Yeah, they could be eating them. They could be sort of, I don't know, propping them up against things,

piling them up behind. What if there's a pickling craze? Yeah, pickling craze. What if they're filling up letterboxes or phone booths or something completely filling phone booths not that phone booths are particularly relevant but completely filling phone booths with the with cucumbers it's a yeah they're putting them on people's doorsteps you know cucumbering oh you got cucumbered somehow linked somehow linked to those cats you know when you put a cucumber behind a cat and they get scared as a cat it's really funny i mean it's probably awful for the cat right like the cat

is genuinely terrified it's probably the most intense moment of sheer terror that the cat has ever experienced and we go like fucking look at this cat this cat it's really funny how how much the cat thinks it's going to die yeah what what else could cucumbering be like they just keep they're just keeping it in their sleeves it'd be great if look maybe that works with people as well you know we don't know no have you ever truly been surprised by a cucumber somebody comes up puts a cucumber on the ground behind you taps you on the shoulder and runs away. No, nobody's actually ever done that.

Leap terrified into the air. I just, I don't think I have enough like neck mobility to look right at the back of my, behind my feet. What are they doing? Do you think you do? Maybe the teens are dropping them down the back of the necks of businessmen. Yeah, they're getting cucumbered. Getting cumbered. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything.

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Cumbering on them. They could. They run up behind businessmen. They pull out the back of their collar and they drop a cucumber down there just a slice no i think i think a full cucumber was there was there like a like a nerf type gun that would would shoot like discs i'm sure there was you know sure if they hadn't come up with, that's crazy. That would be good. Yeah. Like using them like ninja stars?

You ever have one of those potato guns that you just stick it in a potato and then it shoots a little pellet of potato? You squeeze it? No, I've never done that. We weren't allowed to do this. Why not? Why not? Were you allowed guns?

Well, I mean, yeah. You live in the country, but your family gives me the vibe that you weren't allowed guns. No, we were allowed to shoot little bits of potato at each other. My dad once made me a really cool pop gun type thing that you could put a cork in the end and you sort of plunged this plunger down and it fired the cork out the end. Yeah, right.

It was really fun. That does sound fun. Well, I guess my family just cared about us. Yeah, I suppose. Oh, it was really hard to find an angle on that, Andy, but I managed. So I went for the big one. Yeah, because, you know, you just have to sometimes, you've got to pull out the one weapon you've got.

The big guns, metaphorically, obviously, in this case. Yeah. Not something that you've ever experienced. Not in my case. No. So isn't it interesting, though, that we do have water guns, we have water bombs, but there's no water knife, is there? Isn't that interesting?

A water knife? Yeah, there's no water knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a water slingshot? I guess you can get slingshots that shoot like water balloons. Yeah. And I suppose I guess- There's no water fist.

I guess a hose is probably the closest to like a water knife or a water sword. Like one of those thin water jets that can probably cut your skin or whatever. And there's no there's no, yeah, but there is no water bare knuckle fist fighting. No.

You know, there's no like sort of having a water elemental who looks just like you and has your shape and everything like that. Yeah, there isn't that. Follows you everywhere you go. There's no water atomic bomb, is there? Well, I guess there was like

there's like storms. But that's not man-made. Yeah. Is this an interesting line of discussion? I apologize, Alistair, for opening this. Do you think there could be a way that we could just like get a bit more water from the sea and evaporate it and get it to fall on places that need water? Do you think a bit of air conditioning ducting would could somehow do that

um you know like yeah all it needs to do is just like be heated up a bit but you don't need to heat up that much but i guess it will probably just get too cool along the way you you're talking about your clouds that you've created or your evaporated air. You're worried about the areas of the earth that are currently in drought, like the large sections of North America and China and Europe. I'm worried about all those places. Isn't it like we're looking at the northern hemisphere right now and being like, geez, they're having it tough. Wow.

I mean, that is going to be us so soon. Yeah. Right? Yeah, we're lucky. Although they did come out with a report today saying it's been wet enough this year that we're probably not going to have crazy bushfires this summer. It's like, oh, that's great to get through another summer where we don't have that. Yeah, that's true. We got one in the bank. We got one good summer.

Locked and loaded. Everybody can go a little bit crazy. Everybody can start flicking cigarettes into long grass again. Oh, finally. They can lower restrictions on that. Oh, finally, they can lower restrictions on that. In fact, it's encouraged because it actually shortens the grass a little bit. And the council doesn't have to mow it quite as much. It's actually a fuel reduction process.

It's a traditional means of controlling the environment that we've neglected for too long, the wisdom of people who flick cigarettes into long grass. Yeah, that's right. And so you start getting to put them in charge of all departments. Maybe the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet. It could be the Chief of Staff to the Prime Minister. And he's like, all right, well, you've worked your way up to the top, but now we've got budget issues.

How are we going to save money on the budget? Flick some cigarettes into some long grass? What if we just flick a cigarette out of a sort of a moving car and then the cigarette hits the road and a bunch of sparks kind of bounce up momentarily? Now, you're not allowed to advertise cigarettes for smoking, right, anymore. But what if you're advertising cigarettes but not for smoking, right? What if – surely some of the cigarette companies should just invent a purely just

a flicking cigarette, right? Because that's the coolest part of the cigarette process as far as i can tell right to nonchalantly flick a used cigarette so it it would be really short already okay it would just be you know that just basically just the filter and then just a tiny little bit that you just light there okay and you it, and it's completely biodegradable. So there's not actually, you don't have to worry about the littering component or anything. Yeah.

You come in a really short packet. It could have a little seed pod in there, maybe a little bit of fertilizer. Oh, that's really nice. And a seed pod, we could sort of re-vegetate the world. Yeah. This is a great idea. Yeah.

It's the first purely flicking cigarette. Does it look like a cigarette? I guess it has to, doesn't it? Yeah, it has to look like a cigarette. So instead of like a little burnt area at the end, it's actually just like enriched, very rich soil. Well, I mean, for me, i like it to still be lit i realize that that's you know um undermines its environmental credentials slightly but i think that's

sort of that might be inseparable from the coolness of the cigarette that it is lit in some way but you don't because it's it's just for the end there you don't um you don't have to put it to your lips or anything like that yeah but in order to light a cigarette you do have to put it to your lips do you because you got to get that airflow well i mean i guess i guess this one has been invented in such a way it's been made in such a way that you don't have to do that so you just so you're lighting you're lighting the nub and then you're just holding then you're holding it there near your mouth it'll make it and then you'll make it you're holding it near your mouth and lighting it. Right.

So it'll kind of look like you're smoking weed because I think those joints tend to go out a lot more. Yeah, okay. But then you're not putting it in your mouth. So you're lighting it, putting it near your mouth. I think it's going to look weird. I think you're going to look like a poser. I don't think so. No, no.

I don't think you... I don't think with your packet of shorties... It doesn't seem like this was designed by a guy who smokes cigarettes. And this guy seems to want to be cool, but I don't know if he really gets it. I think some of the coolness may have been lost along the way. I'm really excited about this idea. You go to the cigarette companies and pitch it to them.

All right, guys. You could actually show up there with one of the cigarettes in your fingers and you light it right in front to them. Alright, guys. You could actually show up there with one of the cigarettes in your fingers and you light it right in front of them, close to your mouth. Like that. And then you just kind of light it, flame, just to go in. There's no puffing on it to

make it glow or anything like that. And then you light it in front of them and then you go, oh, there you are. And then you flick it. front of them and then you go, oh, there you are. And then you flick it. And then they'll go, wait, was that, that wasn't one of our cigarettes. That looked way too cool. And then you say, well, it could be one of your cigarettes. And it's, you know, they'd be a lot cheaper as well.

I think maybe we discover that that's actually one of the most addictive parts of smoking is the flicking bit. And so this could be the equivalent of like a nicotine patch, but for the behavioral component of the addiction. The behavior? component of the addiction. The behavior? You know, very often it's the habits, you know, the routines,

the rituals of the behavior that are a crucial part of the neural pathways that make an addiction. The hardest to kick. Yes. Alistair, I hate to ask, but how many sketch ideas have we written down so far? I've almost got something. I've got a very good feeling about this. Of all the round-shaped balls, ball-like things that I have consistently collected, I would say the boulders are the hardest to kick.

It doesn't quite work, but you see what I was trying to do. Of all the round-shaped things i'm addicted to buying i would say the boulders are the hardest to kick yeah that's great yeah yeah okay we. Okay, we got one, two, three, four, five sketch ideas. Yes. Okay, well then, Andy, today's next segment is three words from a listener. I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners.

And this one, I think this might be this person's first set of words. Oh, a debutante. Yeah. And do you want to guess their name? Is their name Perry Winkle Grant? You know, the first half of the first name was so close. You said Perry Winkle. It was Harry Befulko.

Harry Befulko. Wow. Cool. Hey, Harry. Thank you so much. My goodness. This is really exciting. Yeah, this is very exciting.

I don't know. I'm rubbing my eyes and my kids have pink eye. You're done. You're finished. I just rubbed my eyes. It's finished for me. Okay, wait. Alright, so Harry's three words. Do you want to try and guess what Harry's three words are? The first word is unicron. Unicron. See, I think the mistake you're making here is you're reaching too far for words now. You know, you're going for all the hard to reach words because the first word is meat.

Oh, yeah, that was right there in front of me. In many ways, the meat and potatoes or at least half of the meat and potatoes of words. So, it is meat, M-E-A-T. That's correct. Flesh. No, I consider that expression to be M-E-E-T and potatoes. It'd be a great, you know, name for the annual conference of the Tuba Growing Association of Australia. I was going to say a singles bar that specializes in people who love carbohydrates.

Yeah, that's good too. Yeah. All right, do you want to guess what the second word is? Let's see. Lasagna? You know, I appreciate it because I think there was good closeness. But the second word is ball. Meatball.

Yeah. Okay. So I reckon they're doing a riff on the meatball sub. So maybe the next word is going to be submarine. Meatball submarine. It's a good guess, Andy. But the third word is salad. Meatball salad.

Which does actually sound like it would be something that Subway offers. You know, trying to go for the low-carb option. You know these weird meatballs? Would you like them just with a green salad? Meatball salad. Salad. Yeah, I mean, I think we have talked in the past about a salad that's made entirely out of meat, right? And making all the things that look like meat.

I guess, you know, the advantage of that is that it could be a sort of a secret salad. You know, everybody thinks you're having a salad. It's all meat. It feels like you could make a salad just from everything that's in and around testicles, right? Like the bag. The bag could be leaves, right?

Could be leaves. You could probably crisp them up on the pan. Yeah, sure. Nice crisp bag leaves. Or you keep them fresh, right? But you chop up the testicles that would be kind of like into wedges. This is inviting far too much personal visualization. Yeah.

You could chop up the testicles into wedges, you know, big wedges like you would have of tomatoes in a Greek salad. And then the string that goes between the testicles and the body, those you would fry and chop them up into sort of like, because I imagine they would be like churros. Like if you fried them up, they'd just be like long churros and they get nice and crunchy, but then you chop them up into croutons. Great. Yeah, it sounds like you got a full salad there. yeah it sounds like you got a full salad there yeah lettuce wedges and croutons but yeah that's probably not what we wanted to make there

meat but bowl salad do any other creatures like do other do other i don't know other i was gonna say ask if other creatures had ball bags but of of course they do, right? It's almost one of the most prominent things on other creatures. Ball bags? Yeah. Yeah, I don't think it's universal even across mammals, I would say. I think there are probably a lot of them that have internal ball bags at some point. Do you think? Maybe not.

Maybe they're all external in some way or close to the surface at least whales i don't think whales have external ball bags no you're right i think we'd know about that i think we would have we would have seen that uh if that was the case you know this is this is a weird thing and this is maybe going a tiny bit off topic, but have you ever seen those exercise shorts that people have now that when people wear them, it goes inside the butt crack? Is that like it's meant to? Yeah. Because it doesn't make sense for regular shorts. A piece of material shouldn't follow the skin inwards into the butt crack unless there's like a wedgie or something like that.

I guess it's cross between a G-string kind of technology. You know what I think? I think it's a glove. I think you're making like essentially finger holes. Yeah. Fingers for the butt cheeks so that they can just fill it up. Which implies the existence of a fingerless butt glove, which is where I guess the tips of the butt are allowed to poke out into the air.

Right? You just sort of- It was called chaps. I suppose maybe that is a chap. Maybe I've just invented the chap. You've invented the chap. What do you think about this? It's meatballs, right?

But inside the meatball, it's pure salad. It's just an incredibly thin surface layer of meat. Yeah, sort of like a scotch salad. Yeah, exactly. And what's so good about this is that you can be eating salad, but all your mates think you are just popping meatball after meatball. It's like a non-alcoholic beer that you could be drinking along with your buddies. You could do this with sausages as well.

I thought you meant like a can of non-alcoholic beer that you filled with regular beer. Yeah. Oh, no. No, no. It's the other way around. Right? Yeah. You're actually having the healthy option.

Right, right, right. Okay, so. Yeah, okay, I see. So, people think that it's an alcoholic beer. Yeah, it's salad injected. They're able to inject the salad. And they go, why does it say zero on the front of your beer? He goes, because that's how many times I'm going to be able to drive today.

I mean, you could do this with beers as well your mates think you're having a beer what they don't know is that in that can it's all salad that's your salad yeah yeah yeah and there could be something that that's put in the salad that does something to your body not get you drunk. No. But that still stops you from being able to drive. You know what I mean? Well, maybe it's a chemical that just makes you a bit blind.

Yeah. The chemical they had to put in there to preserve the salad. Yeah, something that messes up your nerves. It actually does eat away at your optic nerve. Yeah. And bits of your cerebral, your visual cortex. It's like you're still having a full-strength beer. Yeah. But you're actually having a salad.

I mean, I imagine when you pour it, when you tip it up to your mouth, it's mostly dressing coming out. You know? unless it's... Oh, nice dressing. How would you have it, though? I guess the salad has to be pretty finely chopped. I mean, is it crazy to suggest that what you do is you actually could crack open the lid of the beer

in a way that it opens up like a little jar okay you hold it up to your mouth and you open it up like that and hope your mates don't notice and you've got a little chopstick that you pull out of your pocket and you're shoveling you're scraping the salad down into your mouth yeah or maybe you know like there's those those colonial beers or whatever that have that big hole yeah they got a big hole and you could use your tongue to pull things out probably cut your tongue at the edge but i think it'd be great your mates discovering this hey there's just salad in here yeah he's been eating salad yeah bag of chips oh no fellas no oh baghet chips it's actually meat pie fried potato covering salad inside it's salad like what kind of salad do you picture inside of there

i guess i'm picturing like a greek salad just a very greek salad or just like a beautiful sort of like just a green salad, green garden salad. Yeah. Maybe that's what I'm picturing when I'm picturing a Greek salad. Maybe I'm just picturing a garden salad. I might need to look up what a Greek salad is. Yeah. I think a Greek salad is mostly just like feta, onions, tomatoes, kalamata.

And I think people tend to put cucumber in it, but I don't know if that's in a traditional Greek salad. So it might not have any greens in it at all, is what you're saying. Yeah. Well, you know, the cucumbers tend to appear there a lot. So I'm kind of used to having it with that. And then you have like a dressing that usually has like oregano and oil and things like that. Some vinegar in there some lemon maybe um i'm i'm really excited about this salad idea secret salad diet secret salad yeah

it's like when you would discover that someone is an alcoholic and they've been hiding alcohol in things but it's the opposite you secretly been just having salads all right so i'll take us through the sketch ideas for today okay oh no my dog has started barking greek salad inventor explosion yes they have cucumbers on their eyes when they wake up and discover that their eyes are very un-puffy from the cucumbers. Great. And we have closed-mouthed ancient Greek man who keeps his secret

in his mouth on a piece of parchment and the only way to unlock it is with the perfectly proportioned Greek salad. And we have a second day for parents in the middle of the night. I wonder if that sketch is racist in some way. Is it racist to suggest that Greek people like Greek salads? It's just one man.

It's just one man. That's right. Yeah. And I'm not saying all Greek people love Greek salad, but I imagine that they... This guy really does. I mean, isn't it crazy how much Korean people love greek salad but i imagine that they really does they you know i mean isn't it crazy how much korean people love kimchi it's like i mean not that it's called korean chi but like but it's like people like their national dish i assume greek salad is their national dish

oh no oh no um so yeah greek second day is the like you know, it's another day that you have like at about 1.30 a.m. or 2 a.m. or whatever. And you might live a full day in that little three-hour second day. Then we got covered in cucumbers. You know, it's only – sorry to say this, Alistair. It's only – it's actually technically only a Greek salad if it comes from the Greek salad region of France. That's good. You know.

Yeah, yeah. The French fry version of France. Okay. The French fryer. Tuck. Okay. Okay. The French fryer. Tuck. Okay. Okay. We got covered in cucumbers.

Killed by not having enough puffiness. You need a certain amount. Right. And that's another. That's another sketch. And then we have a flicking cigarette and we have the secret salad diet

yes Andy you did it we did it and do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Thank you so much for listening to In The Think Tank. That was great that you did that thing to it and of and us and as.

And, you know, you can find us in all the places that you find people on the internet. I'm at stupidoldandy on Twitter, and he's at alistairtb. Yeah, you can find us at 2andTank. You can find yourself wherever you are. Probably in – you can probably find yourself – I think a great place is like up near in Nepal. It's a great place to find yourself yeah so i've heard um and we love you you bye-bye

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