Two In The Think Tank - 35 - "TAKE THIS SNICKERS"

Episode Date: February 10, 2014

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Oh. Oh. Oh. I think most songs should end with one person going a little bit longer than everybody else and then realizing and then going, oh. Oh. Yeah. Look, I think that could be a new style of music. Yeah. Yeah. person going a little bit longer than everybody else and then realizing and then going oh yeah look i think there could be a new style of music yeah yeah it's the i was sorry i was really immersed in my work oh man style of music yeah that's uh that's how i want my life to be

uh in everything absolutely and well look and by way, that's what I consider is my work. I feel like the real work that we do in this podcast happens at the beginning and at the end and everything else has just fell off. What I really want to do is just be a, is just be like a traveling beatboxer. Yeah. Using it to launch your beatbox career.

Absolutely. Go around from town to town with a briefcase, open it up, there's a mic in there and a little amplification system and I set it up in the town square. And then all the townspeople coming around, and they're coming around. They're coming around, you're bringing your beats from town to town. And they're carrying hay bales on their backs, and they're riding brown bicycles. It's always exciting when someone comes up with a new beat When somebody's got a new beat You know, for their tunes

Yeah, absolutely So it is, you know There is a humorous concept behind the idea of a travelling beat man Yeah, absolutely He's bringing the latest beats from the city Oh yeah You know, to some sort of far-flung regional centre Oh, you know who was here last week?

Timbaland Yeah Bringing his beats centre. Oh, you know who was here last week? Timbaland. Yeah. Bringing his beats. Bringing his beats down to the town. It's a shame that, I mean, like, I've never looked at the history of beatboxing, but I wonder whether there were

sort of like, you know, pre- 19th century beatboxers that travelled around. There were definitely troubadours, but I don't know if they were noted for their beats. It was more for their lilting melodies and their ability with the mandolin. And plus, I guess it's difficult

to mimic drum machines and drums when drums don't exist. What's better than eating a mandolin? What's better than eating a mandolout?'s better? Eating a mandolant. Oh, no, I just got that. What's better than eating a mandolin?

Although... Not eating a mandolin. But there could have been guys who mimicked the instruments of the time. You know, guys who would go around going like, all right, I'm going to play you guys a song. I'm a traveling harpsichord imitator. Yeah, and he could just do it all with his mouth. It's amazing how he could create the planking,

high-pitched irritation of a harpsichord. Dung, dung, dung, dung, dung, dung. Yeah, great. Yeah. Look, I don't know if there's necessarily just a sketch in just that itself. I mean, or you could do a history of beatboxing. I still, I like just the idea of a guy bringing his beats to a town. The latest beats.

Yeah, the latest beats. That would be nice. Oh, I could see that getting a million views. A guy goes into a town and it's like just everybody's dressed up in grey and brown, right? Ground. Even though those two colours don't go very well together. It's the grey and brown town. But don't you find grey and brown, they don't go well together, but they're of a certain type of thing.

They kind of represent poverty and bleakness. Yeah, absolutely. The colours of bleakness. The colours of bleakness. Even if they don't match. But that's part of the bleakness. Yeah, absolutely. The colours of bleakness. The colours of bleakness. Even if they don't match. But that's part of the bleakness of it. That they're incompatible. They're really tied up there. That's true.

Not only when your life is bleak, not only can you not afford good colours, but also you can't even afford good combinations of bad colours. Even coordinating is outside of your... you'd think that coordination would be free you'd think you'd like yeah but no there's a certain like there's the poverty threshold and then there's the color coordination threshold and they're at about the same level

you know we've been living below the color coordination threshold for uh for some time that's really fun. I don't think they call it, they don't call it the poverty threshold, by the way. It's the poverty line. I just realized that. That's fine. It's not a threshold.

I don't know if they could afford a threshold. They can't afford a threshold. What is thresh? Is thresh something? Well, yeah, because you can thresh wheat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Which is to separate i think like the the the grain from the husk or something is threshing right or maybe the husk from the stem

or something like that but the threshold is often is referred like is is uh it used to be like the line at the front of the house or something, like the threshold would be. Yeah, right. But maybe that came from back in the day. Maybe there was like a barn, right? Yep. And you would be doing threshing in the barn. Maybe you would put like a little bit of wood across the door to stop bits of grain from sneaking out of the door of the barn. And I reckon maybe that was the threshold to hold in the threshing. Oh, that's what you'd want.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. There you go. That's the origin of the word threshold. Maybe. Improvise. Speculative entomology.

Entomology? Etymology. Etymology, I think. Which one's the insects? Ent, I think. Ent. Ent. I'll tell you what an etymologist would know.

Yeah. Or an entomologist. I imagine both of them, actually. That would be the one area in which their areas of expertise overlap, is knowing which word applies to their field. Yeah. Good on you guys. Village. Village beats, right?

Yeah, well, I got traveling beatboxer in village times. Yeah, village times. You know, like... I like the color coordination threshold. I don't know how to turn that into a sketch, though. But, like, there definitely are things that drop off. I'll put that as a demi idea. Demi-deer. Like, that'll be 1, though. But there definitely are things that drop off. I'll put that as a Demi idea. Demi idea.

That'll be 1.5. Yep. The color... Oh, I put too many OUs in there. The Kulu. The Kulao. The Kalao. Don't worry about it.

No? Americans don't put any U's in there. Oh, man. They're free. Do you think they're like that in that way? Do you think they've done some things like that just to really, to brag about their freedom? That's part of their kind of being disconnected from England

was to start spelling things their own way. Yeah. You know? Yeah, that's a great way to establish your independence. Yeah, because you hear a lot of English people kind of go to England. They talk about how they're just murdering the Queen's tongue there or whatever. Murdering the Queen's tongue. Oh, mate, I was murdering the Queen's tongue oh mate i was murdering the queen's tongue

yeah i mean like but that's just a guy who's bragging about making out with the queen oh fucking murdered a tongue like he's a guy who who doesn't who you know he he's like you know he's he's saving himself for marriage right right But he still likes bragging about his sexual exploits. With the Queen? Yeah, which is making out. And he was doing it with the Queen this particular time. But it was one of the many broads. Sorry.

Because he's from the 40s. Or 30s or something. He's a guy from Brooklyn from the 30s. And he's been murdering the Queen's tongue. I'll tell you, I've sacked myself for marriage but I've been murdering the Queen's tongue. I don't know why I'm speaking with a shy accent because I'm from Brooklyn.

To be honest, there's a lot that's confusing about this scenario. But what a premise. What a promising premise. I really feel I could be a premise. What a promising premise. I really feel I could be a premise dealer. All right. You want a premise? You want a good sketch premise?

I open up my coat and I just got racks and racks of premises. Also, underneath my coat I'm not wearing anything. That's a premise. That's a premise. That's a premise in itself. Bloke opens his coat, nothing underneath. Except a whole bunch of sketch premises. Sketch premises.

This is a very meta sketch. Those are extra. Every extra level costs you another $5. Yeah, comedy tears. We're talking about tears. If your level one jokes, they're a dollar. Yeah. Look, I can give you a very basic premise.

It's a bit rough, but if you cut it with a few euphemisms, it'll get you through. Yeah, you know, it could be something like we're talking here, a pun. Maybe it's a one-joke sketch that ends in a pun. You know, something about ending up in Cairns or something like that. You know, something about ending up in Cairns or something like that. Like Cairns the town and Cairns the SPC factory. Yeah, well, there's actually a joke like that. A family of tuna were swimming up the east coast of Australia. They were heading to Sydney, but they ended up in Cairns.

Oh. They went too far. Family. A family of tuna. Yeah. The kids weren't old enough to go to school yet. See, there's a level one... School of fish.

Yeah. Yeah, great. They still had... They were homeschooled. They were homeschooled. It was just a family. Schooled. Homeschooled.

You got schooled is that when your mom owns you break to head seek is that a thing where no this is not related exactly but the idea that I'm a slave owner what

I don't have any slaves that belong to me, but I go up to slaves and I diss them. And it's really poignant. And I say, you got owned, not by me, but presumably by some kind of slave owner. Yeah. But also by me with my dissing. Oh, mm. Oh, yeah. In a way,

a slave owner in that regard spelt with a P. You know how they smell pwned? Yeah, pwned. That's great. That's revolutionary.

Yeah, that's incredible. True. Like, that's language, like, I think language is probably, do you think, is language evolving exponentially as well i don't know if it's exponentially exponentially exponentially

but it's definitely you see if if the internet had made up with that they would have spelled it exponentially but that would be exponentially yeah um you know anyway it doesn't matter but uh the language is definitely moving fast the fact that we can look at pwned with a P and a zero and we can read owned. Yeah. Hang on, where does the zero go? I think, is it after the P?

I thought it was just P-W-N-D. Oh, maybe it is. P-W-N-D, yeah. Oh man, that's even better. Yeah. The fact that that's happening I would hate to be learning English right now Man, I would hate to be learning English

I mean, I would love it Because it might get me out of this This poverty stricken country that I'm left in Australia Yeah, no, I mean like, you know Because I'm a person learning English Unless you're a baby But you know, the baby

Will be the fastest to pick it up he's learning English I've got him learning English no my baby's doing English lessons yeah is there something funny about somebody

sending their baby to English lessons yeah sitting there with a bunch of like first wave immigrants a couple of like like, first-wave immigrants. Yeah. A couple of, like, you know, there's some old Russian ladies.

Yeah. Like, you know. Yeah, look, I'm putting that down. I've got him along to, like, evening classes. Yeah. Dropping him off at, you know, it turns out that they're cheaper

than daycare. That would be incredible. Like, yeah, you know, it's only like, it's four hours a day for the other time. He kind of, he has lunch and he kind of spends time in the common room. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just. Yeah. Okay, good. I'm just... Yeah. Okay, good.

I'm just picturing the baby sitting there. Like, is he in a high chair? Is he just on a chair? Is he lying on the desk? He's in, like, one of those... A bassinet? One of those, yeah. Is it a bassinet that you carry around?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, and it's just... Bassinet sounds a lot like a musical instrument. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Because it's also got bass in it. Yeah, and in it. Yeah, in it. Yeah, and in it. Yeah, in it. Yeah, in it.

In it. I imagine he's in the bassinet that is also easily convertible into a car seat. Yeah. And you just tape it in. Tape it in. I mean...

Tape it in! You know. Yeah, but car tape. Car tape. Seat belts. A car tape. And he's just sitting on a desk. Yeah.

And he's just sitting on the desk. Yeah. And he's just sitting on the desk there, and then he's just there amongst first generation immigrants. Does he have a pile of books? Look, he's got maybe a book on the table with him, but maybe not. Maybe he's just in there, and it's just... It was just easier than spending all that time talking to him. We want to let him learn in a structured way. Yeah. This way, he kind of just gets the basics.

We're sort of a bit too advanced, and we don't really know how to dumb it down. So you'd get a baby that would be able to say things like, I am zero years old. I have one brother. My name is... This is my hamburger. What is your phone number? How much for this bag of pears?

That is a pretty dress There's Wait, I lost it But you know, I mean if you Just sent your baby to An adult education thing all day Like a community kind of Education thing It to an adult education thing all day like a community kind of you know uh

education thing like that it's an adult education so he does he does that he gets to do cooking lessons yeah uh he could go uh you know maybe an auto mechanics course what about it but it's oh he could do uh like a like a computers 101 yeah because you know like you need the basics at that time he's he's a technological native but native, but he hasn't had a chance yet. So he could learn how to use Excel and Word and Outlook. Outlook. I've got that on my LinkedIn profile. That I have skills in Outlook.

I don't. You don't? I'm lying. I don't even have skills in Outlook. Andy. Yeah, that's pretty horrible to do that. Look, the really important thing you just need to know is you need to know how to both attach something, but also embed an image into the body of the email.

Is that a very different skill? Well, you know, it's two different processes. C's. Is that a Latin word? Process? Don't know. I would give it a Latin conjugation. Latino. Latino conjugation.

Is that a Latino word? Yeah. Latino's a fun word. How do Latinos pluralize things? Because Latino, is that... I don't even know if that's a... That doesn't feel like it's... It feels like it doesn't have negative connotations.

No, it doesn't. Even though it does seem to apply to a huge, broad group of people, right? So in that sense, you could think of it as calling someone Asian. Yeah. But it would be great if it was Asiano. Asiano. Yeah, Asiano. Yeah, well, if the Latino... Maybe the Latino word for Asian is Asiano.

Oh, that could be it, actually. Yeah. Asiatico. I don't know. Asiatic? Is that a word? Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't know what it means. Can you refer to Asiatic people? I don't think Asiatic applies to Asia. Oh. I think there's, like, Asiatic think there's an Asiatic Sea, possibly? Just like a region, maybe a bit of ocean somewhere. Could be Asiatic Sea. Good salt concentration.

Really good. Really concentrated. Yeah, because I don't know much about seas. But I know that some of them have higher salt concentrations. Like the Dead Sea? Is that the one where you float? You float more? Did we have a sketch on a previous podcast about doing things at sea level?

And A level and B level and C level and D level? I'm not sure. Look, that could be a thing. But if we've already done it on a previous podcast, I feel like I'm remembering it. It feels like it's something we could talk about.'ve already done it on a previous podcast, I feel like I'm remembering it. Yeah. You know, sometimes... It feels like it's something we could talk about. Do we put it as a demi-sketch? Well, just put it as maybe a bit of a reminiscence.

2.25. How about that? 2.25. 2.25. It's a quarter sketch because it might be a reminiscence. Yeah. Possible reminiscences are quarter sketches. Quarter sketches.

We're making up the rules as we go along guys we're like kids playing a ball game making up the rules as you go along my favourite rule is of ball games when you're a kid was it's my ball so I have to play I get to play

which would be great if that also applied at Olympic level sport, at the FIFA World Cup. Whoever brought the soccer ball got to play. Yeah, well, I feel like in a way that's kind of what FIFA does. Like they, it's our ball, so we get to make all the decisions. Actually, there's a thing that whoever's hosting the World Cup

automatically gets a place in the World Cup. So it is pretty much the same rule. It's good to see that that still applies at the highest level. It's our stadium, so we get to play. Does that happen as well with the Olympics, where you get a few more positions? I'm sure you would, yeah, definitely. Because I think that's why we kind of did so well at the Sydney Olympics.

Yeah, because it was our Olympics. We were all over that. Yeah, it's like, well, if you don't allow us to do it, I'm going to take my city and go home. Go home? I'm going to take all this water from the Olympic swimming pool. Olympic-sized swimming pool, just Olympic-sized in general, that's a fun prefix to add to things. I feel like that could be the new industrial quantities.

Yeah, okay, Olympic-sized. Because industrial quantities I feel like is a bit overused, but Olympic-sized, I reckon I'm tipping. Especially because there's... Are we in an Olympic year, Alistair? Well, we're in a winter Olympic year so I think that's a leap that is a winter Olympic sized

bag of corn look all I've got so far in my head is Olympic quantity of strapping tape that you're wearing there yeah it's a bit too literal yeah what about what about you could say that for like a person who's using that kind of tape that holds your boobs in oh yeah yeah yeah i am wearing an olympic quality quantity of strapping tape yeah no you hold these uh memory glands within this piece of fine haiku tour.

I feel like that's a sentence, possibly slightly more elegantly expressed, but that would slot perfectly well into the latest Bridget Jones's diary. Do you think we should call them? Are you taking submissions? Of sentence submissions? I've written a sentence for your latest book. Well, I wonder if writers get that. Because, you know, comedians go, well, I've got a joke for you.

Here's a sentence for you. Oh, here's a great sentence. You can use that. That's Tolstoy. You can use that. That's Tolstoy. You can use that. That's Tolstoy. You're a writer. Tell us a novel then. Tell us a heartbreaking story of loss and redemption then.

Oh, you're a memoirist. Recount your childhood to me. You're a biographer. Tell me about someone's life in full. You're a biographer. Follow me around for ten years. Oh, you're a biographer? Recount

your unprecedented access to the members of the family of a recently deceased famous person. Oh, you're a microwave manual writer? Explain to me in detail how you set the timer. On a Philips 2000 watt convection

microwave. Ah. The trouble with that is that I feel like that's a kind of, that's a thing that a lot of comedians do as a bit. Yeah, the tell us a joke thing. Yeah, so I don't feel like we can write it down as a bit. Yeah, the tell us a joke thing. So I don't feel like we can write it down as a sketch. I mean, look, I think it would be an original sketch.

Yeah, I haven't seen it done as a sketch. As a sketch, but I feel like it would be a hacky stand-up premise. What we're coming up with here, this is cross-platform. Cross-platform. We're taking things from the stand-up. This is like, you know, people who... It's like adapting a book for the screen. It's like how Chuck Berry, when he played the guitar, was trying to replicate how some other bloke played the piano.

Oh, Berry. Berry. Chuck Berry. Chuck Berry. Oh. Fruit thrower. Chuck Berry. Noted fruit thrower.

Noted small fruit vomiter. Berry Chuck. That would be Berry Chuck. Berry Chukka. Berry Chukka. Chukka Berry. Chukka Khan. There you go.

That's somebody who throws an Indian person from the Khan clan. But adapting a book for the screen. Sorry, Alistair. I'm just completely ignoring you. I think that's completely fine. Adapting a book for the screen. Yeah. Right?

What can we adapt a thing for the thing? You see what I'm doing there? Well, the first thing that came into my mind yeah was uh was actually changing a physical book so that it would look good on on a tv screen right so you're adapting it so that it's like you know you sort of make it bigger uh maybe you you set it up into a room where there's nice cameras and lighting yeah lighting that sort of slide along the words adapting the book for the screen. But now that we read our books on Kindles,

I mean, really, adapting a book for the screen. If you're talking about a liquid ink screen, then all you've got to do is PDF that shit. Yeah, all you've got to do is put it into the.pub format. Format. And, you know, maybe put a little, what's that called? What's that? Put, like, you know, copy protection on it.

Ah, digital rights management. Yeah, digital rights management thing. Dot D-R-M. Yeah, so, like, adapting a book for the fridge, adapting a cat for the street, adapting a wolf for space. I don't like this idea. Okay.

Can we talk about something else? Hey, look at this. We're in an empty room. How great is that? Empty room. Anything can happen in here. Well, it's a room. Well, it's a room.

Yeah, so I mean there are limits. Well, how do you know? How do you know it's not room. Well, it's a room. Yeah, so I mean, there are limits. Well, how do you know? How do you know it's not a limitless room? Well, it wouldn't be a room, Alistair. Isn't the universe really just a room? No! Why? Well, because a room has to have walls.

Does it? Has to have limits. Andy, are you an architect? I think that's probably the definition of a room. I know, but doesn't the universe have limits? No! Yes, it does. Such as? The end of the universe have limits? No. Yes, it does. Such as?

The end of the universe. But where is that? It's at the end. It's at the beginning. Would you call the end of the universe, like the edges of the universe, the beginning of the universe? But does the universe have edges, Alistair, when there's no way you could ever reach them? You know, for something to be a boundary, does it also have to be accessible? Do you have to be able to reach that boundary in order for it to be a boundary?

Okay, so let's say you're in a prison cell in the middle of a room. Right. So the cell is in a room? The cell is inside a room. The cell is inside a room. So let's say it's a big, you're like in a big sort of school hall, and in the middle of the school hall is just a prison cage. Yep. And you're in there.

You're trapped in there. Okay, you can't reach the walls. You can't reach the walls. But they're there. But they're there. They're there. Yeah, Alistair, really good, really powerful argument. Thank you. Thank you. But you can still observe the walls.

That's true. You can still determine their existence. How do they detect the edge of the universe? I think they must calculate the age of the universe and then the speed of light and then maybe say, okay, well then this is the furthest distance that light could have traveled since the beginning of the universe. But they keep giving us updates. They go, it's speeding up! It's slowing down! You know, there's somebody checking out the speedometer of the universe expansion.

Do you know how fast you're expanding, mate? No. Can you tell me how fast you're expanding? Was that somebody asking the universe? Yeah, that's a policeman who's pulled over the universe and is asking it what the Hubble constant is. Because I've just done some quick calculations here on the Hubble Space Telescope,

and it looks to me as if you were expanding faster than the speed of light. You know that's a limit. You know that's something of a limit in this universe. Woo! Pull over! Pull over! That's the multiversal police unit asking the universe.

Do you think that's a half-sketch idea? No. We've got to stop coming up with half-sketch ideas. Here's the thing that I was thinking the other day. We've got a half... Andy, we're revolutionising the sketch list at the moment. Yeah.

We're breaking it down. We're finding smaller... People thought that the smallest possible unit of a sketch was one sketch. But then we found that within that sketch, there are actually smaller subdivisions to half a sketch and even 0.25 of the sketch was one sketch. But then we found that within that sketch, there are actually smaller subdivisions to half a sketch and even 0.25 of a sketch. Some people are starting to wonder if the sketch, you could just keep dividing it down and down and down forever.

Is there such a thing as the fundamental unit of humour? I think so. Yeah, probably. It's that thing where you look at that picture of the vase that also then can look at two faces. And you laugh at that, do you? Sometimes. But I think it's that flip. Yeah, that two things.

That two things at once, right? Yeah. That's my theory of comedy. Two things at once. Yeah, one thing calls the other thing into question. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everybody.

Thank you very much. Thank you everybody. I've just solved it. I think we should refer to police uniforms as police costumes. Go. Okay. Police uniforms are police costumes. Good.

Oh, I saw police in his costume the other day. See? I think that would solve a lot of our problems with authority. If we... Or create more problems with authority. But it would probably solve our problem with problems with authority. A lot of people seem to have a problem with people having a problem with authority.

And I think we could solve that if we stop referring to uniforms as uniforms uniforms and start to refer them to them as costumes i need that clarified for me why why would that solve the problems with problems uh it wouldn't i was hoping that you wouldn't request because i really wanted that to make sense okay okay let's see if it does um because okay people who have a problem with authority are like, hey man, just because you're wearing the police uniform and I'm not doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do. Now, if instead of using the word uniform, we use the word costume, then we'd be like, hey man, you're just wearing a police costume. And the policeman would have to be, yes, I am just wearing a police costume and the policeman would have to be yes i am just wearing a police costume in that sense i am just dressed up as a policeman playing the role of a policeman that society has cast me in in the great play that is life yeah okay and then the people who observe the people having the problem with authority would say they're absolutely right because of the conventions of

language the use of the word costume justifies their assertion that we are all the same, and yet the casting director of life has given us different roles to play. Did I satisfy your need for that to make sense? That's pretty good. The only part that I think fails in that is that the people who have a problem

with people who have a problem with people who have a problem with authority are probably these kind of like constantly bitter incurable no matter what's going on

they've just got a problem with what's happening in the world people who keep talking about like the world's just going to shit ah the world's

going to shit yeah but they're never talking about the fact that all sea life will be extinct by 2050 they're never talking about the fact that all sea life will be extinct by 2050. They're only talking about the fact that young kids are doing more spray painting on skate parks. Most of the problems with people like that, it just comes down to the fact that what they think they observe is more correct than actual what data represents, like what the data that's been collected says. So if you show people, oh, look, see how crime has been going down for the last 25 years?

They go, yeah, but I've been hearing about this and I've been hearing about this and I saw this and I saw this. and I saw this, so... That was the thing, like there was this incident a couple of months ago, an Arctic icebreaker got stuck in ice, right on its way to Antarctica. Yeah. So an Antarctic icebreaker,

perhaps would be a better word to refer to it as. It might have been an Arctic icebreaker. Could have been lost. It could have been migrating. And it was bringing penguins back from... It's a good callback. It got stuck in some ice, right?

It was on its way to measure sea ice melting in the Arctic. So there were all these articles saying, oh, their faces must be pretty red. So much for global warming, they've been stuck in ice. Well, anyway, look, it turns out that the actual rapid expansion of the ice at certain times, sea ice at certain times of year, was exactly what they were expecting to see as a result of global warming. And that is what they were there to measure, right? But people took instantly on that face value.

Oh, look, here is some ice. Therefore, there must be no global warming. And this was such a simple thing that I wanted to do, and I just didn't do it. And this was such a simple thing that I wanted to do and I just didn't do it. But I wanted to take a photograph of a cup of Coca-Cola with some ice cubes in it. And be like, also found some ice in my Coca-Cola. So much for global warming. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah.

How can global warming be real when I have here some ice in my fridge? There's ice everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm quite interested in that. That's what it feels like. You've got the goddamn right side. Is it wrong to break up the world into right and left?

It feels like that's becoming more redundant and it's more just a question of people who believe data and people who don't, I think. Yeah, and who believe in just what they see with their eyes. Guys, we just don't know anything. Could there be a bit in there about how we don't know anything?

Well, I think we do know things. No, but I mean, you can't trust what you perceive a lot of the time. Right. Because there's inherent, like, bias and things that are wrong in there because you're not getting a full picture. Yeah, but you're remembering certain things and forgetting other things. And you're remembering the things and forgetting other things. You're remembering the hits and forgetting the misses. Forgot me, misses. But I remembered the hits. Huey Lewis and the News.

Great Balls of Fire. Louie Louie. Great. Yeah. Great. Anyway. Yeah. And all that kind of stuff. So then it makes you wrong. Yeah.

We're essentially wrong machines. Wrong machines. Unless we stick to certain processes, which is what the science thing is. It's a process of trying to eliminate our biases because we constantly think of things that are wrong. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I don't know how to turn that into a sketch. Let's think about this.

Okay, so we're applying science. There's a battle between applying science and applying our sort of innate biases and instincts and our gut reactions to things yeah it's like well it's a difficult thing because you you have to in order to be able to like it's like you can never you can never be right well you can be right but it's an accident like right off of your own perception yeah right you have to sort of, every time you see something that you go, oh, that's like that, you have to kind of go to yourself, oh, yeah, but I can't, that can't also,

that conclusion that my brain automatically goes to can't be correct just based off of that observation. Right. This is too complicated. It's way too complicated to turn that directly into a sketch. I think what's much more likely to happen is that we will come up with a sketch, and then later on we'll be like, oh, that's like that. And, you know, again, we'll just be, by chance, happen to happen upon something.

Yeah. Plus, maybe I'm saying it in a way that's too broad, like, that makes it sound like, I'm saying, like, if you see a car accident, then you didn't necessarily see a car accident until the scientific data comes out. Yeah. That doesn't quite make sense. Maybe it wasn't an accident, though.

See, you don't know. Somebody might have been a deliberate hit and run. Can we do a sketch where Charles Darwin is travelling the world on the Beagle, right? And he's observing species. Is that the name of his sheep? His sheep. His sheep was the Beagle. right? And it was observing species. Is that the name of his sheep? His sheep. His sheep was the beagle.

He was terrible at animals. Just no idea. I wonder who came up with such a Oh, animals are constantly changing. This sheep used to be a beagle. That's why I called him by the name of his species.

But I'd like to have Charles Darwin just completely misplay that moment where he comes up with the theory of evolution. So he's looking at animals that are slightly different on different islands in the Galapagos. And he looks at the finch that's over here and the finch that's over there. And he sits down and he thinks and he thinks and he thinks he's like I have come to the conclusion that and then whatever the conclusion is is really really wrong and then insert funny thing here okay but like what what kind of thing are we talking just like that that some finches... I feel like there's something there.

I don't want to say, like, buy bigger beaks from the shops. That's not what I want to say, Alistair. But that's the only thing I can think of at the moment. Okay, so you're kind of giving it as an example of this thing from before. Like, that he's made some observation. I wasn't actually. That was unrelated. But yeah, it could be connected to that. I was just like, it'd be funny to portray this incredible moment

where somebody had an amazing insight and then just imagine what it would be like if they were a complete idiot and drew completely the wrong conclusion. We could call him, stereotyping Darwin. Yeah. And then he looks at things and he goes, Finch is always shit on apples.

What? He's just, like, he's got a Finch in his cage. Yeah. And for some reason there's an apple in the cage. And then the Finch shits on the apple he goes finches are apple shitters and he just like that's you know he had to build his way up until yeah it was like scientific verifil like that that his strike rate was really really low but but luckily the process was there to sort of fix him up a little bit yeah right okay going like

like you know after 20 years, he's like, I just haven't been able to reproduce that Finch shitting on an apple thing. I mean, even though it's so close to my heart, maybe I should let go of that. I am starting to fear that I may have been wrong with my first theory that Finches are apple shitters. Are definitely apple shitters. My life's work. I don't know why we've got him as a southerner.

I don't know either. Fitchers are apple shitters. Fitchers. Now, I'll just... So this... Well, maybe this apple shit and Finch thing isn't going to work for me, but I do have this evolution side project

that seems to be taking off, so maybe i'll try that like as he's just made like you know hundreds like he was just he was just sort of like taking a sort of a you know like a like a shotgun approach to observations theories yeah it's a theory so and then like you know everything he saw he came up with a theory yeah and and and sort of one of them went viral which was the the evolution one. It's like, he's just writing paper after paper after paper of all these observations. And then they're like, oh, they're just wading through all this. This is almost like an evolutionary approach to Darwinism, right?

So Darwin had all these theories, and all of them died off, except for one, which was the theory of evolution, which survived, right? That's good. So these are the survival of the fittest theory of evolution. So all Darwin's theories of evolution that didn't make it. Right? Yeah. Andy, what we've just made a sketch about is memetics. Ah.

Yes. Dun-da-dun. Evolutionary Darwinism, right? It's all right. Because the stereotyping Darwin, I feel, is a sentence that kind of makes it sound like it's comedy, at least. But I don't quite understand how it was stereotyping him. No, he's a stereotyping Darwin. Oh, so Darwin is a stereotyper.

Maybe I didn't explain that there was a dash in between stereotyping and Darwin. Would a dash have helped you? A dash would have helped me. Okay. Finches? I could have used a dash. Man, I could go a dash around about now. Or apple shitters.

Finches, apple shitters. I don't know if that's going to be the one that we go with. That's fine, Andy. But I like the idea that he's got all these different theories. Yeah, but it could just be one that you fly past. Because look, if you're a scientist, and especially one that works with animals, you're going to have to be dealing with theories that involve shitting. And I know it doesn't make amazing comedy, but amazing comedy, okay, but it's reality, Andy.

It's reality. And people are gonna, in the same way that they look at Bill Hicks' stuff and they go, oh my god, it's so true.

They're gonna say that about the apple shit and fish. Oh my god, it's so true. People talk about, have you ever heard this, like,

Jesus never goes to the toilet in the Bible? Have you heard that? Like, Jesus never does a shit in the Bible or something? I feel like I've maybe said it before.

You might have said it. I feel like other people have said it. I feel like this is a thing that people complain about. People don't do shit in any literature. Right? Like that's a really... There are a lot of arguments against the Bible being a

work of true history. But the fact that Jesus doesn't shit in it is not one of them. I reckon you could go through Gibbons' The Rise and the Fall of the Roman Empire. I reckon nobody shits in that. People just don't think about writing it down. It's kind of a constant of existence. Yeah. I don't think we need to be reminded.

Yeah. Like, maybe people will write about shitting if there's something abnormal about the shitting. About the shitting. You know, same thing like people don't write about breathing unless something's abnormal about it. No one ever writes about Jesus breathing. Yeah. So maybe... About Jesus renewing his library card. Maybe that just...

That tells me that the way that Jesus just shat on a very regular kind of normal way. Exactly. Just like a man. That he didn't feel the need to explain it to any of his disciples because nothing really amazing happened.

Take this bread. It is my body. Take this wine. It is my blood. Take this bounty. It is my shit. Because I do shit because I'm a man. But I'm also a god, which is why it's chocolate.

Also, I would say that maybe a God, which is why it's chocolate. Also, I would say that maybe... Jesus, what is that bounty? Take this wine, it is my blood. Take this bread, it is my body. What are those bounties we've been eating, Jesus? What's that big bowl of Snickers bars? Picnics. What were they?

Oh, nothing. What were they, Jesus? What were they? What were the Snickers bars Picnics What's that What were they Oh nothing What were they Jesus What were they What were the Snickers bars Oh dessert Just Just Snickers bars Jesus Jesus

Jesus Were you making us eat your shit Is there Is that a sketch I know it's kind of gross And silly Yeah this is my body And there are some bounties

And here are some bounties What And here are some bounties. Some picnic bars. What are the picnic bars? They're the best one, yeah. What are these picnic bars? Let me write that down. Jesus. Here is bread.

Those are... Is bread. Uh, there's a, um... It's my body. Guys, I hope you're proud of yourselves. Yeah. For listening to that. The last two sketches have had poop in them. Poop!

Um, yeah. And here is a bowl of picnic bars. I think treading on dog shit is probably the worst thing that ever happens to me. Really? Yeah. Like, it doesn't happen very often. But when it does, you feel like... I feel like saying that is offensive to the bad things that have happened in your life.

But like, okay. But a lot of bad things happen, Alistair, but they don't necessarily happen to me. Yeah. Okay? Like, treading in dog shit, that definitely happens to me. That is my own personal suffering. There are bad things that happen and that make me feel bad, but in terms of things that, like, happen at me? Yeah.

Look, Andy, I feel like there's some bad things that have happened at you that you're just... On me? You're just... On you, at you. Oh. That you're just forgetting about. You're right, Alistair. When you're saying this...

It's almost like I was just trying to make a joke. It's almost as if I was just trying to be funny and I was deliberately overlooking actual bad things that happened to me. But, I mean, maybe you're right. You really made me reconsider that statement that I just said with your relentless analysis.

Andy? Yes? Are we having a fight right now? Yeah. It's probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me. This is way worse than slipping in some dog shit and landing face first in it do you think that's ever happened like once in the history oh definitely someone has slipped on some dog shit somehow like you know their feet have left the ground their body is sort of twirled towards the ground, sort of like a cat ready to land.

Yeah. And then they've landed face first and they've got a bit in their mouth. Yes. I think it's probably quite hard to fall because, okay, say you stand in the dog shit. Say you're running along, right? Yeah, I'm running. You stand in the dog shit. Your feet slip out from under you, okay?

Say your feet slip backwards because they're going to need to slip backwards for you to fall face forward, right? So your feet go out behind you. Your feet go forward, but then how does your face go down? How do you go face first? You also twist. You also twist, okay. But even if that happens, right, when you pivot like that, you're going to pivot around your center of gravity, okay?

And your center of gravity will be about at your waist, maybe just slightly above your waist. Okay. Which means that your waist, or slightly, maybe the middle of your torso, that's going to be the bit that falls straight down onto the dog shit. Your face isn't going to.

I think, unless it's one of those dog shits where the dog is walking and shitting, like they're being pulled along by their owner. Yeah. It could be a very sort of... Like a lawn that gets a lot of shit precipitation. Really deads. Also, we've got to not put the word shit in the title of this podcast

because the one that we did put poop or something like that... Yeah, poo in the shorts. It's the one that gets the least downloads. Nobody downloaded that. Yeah, poo in the shorts. It's the one that gets the least downloads. Nobody downloaded that. Yeah. But I'm talking, the guy is sprinting. Yeah. And he saw the dog shit and he tried to stop, but he...

Fell over. Yeah, but he stopped with his foot and it slipped. So his legs kind of went out like a baseball player. Right, he's still got forward momentum. Yeah. Okay, carrying him forward as he's running. Yes. Good. Center of gravity, still pivots around.

Like a baseball player sliding for a base. Yep. Right? And then... Still the twist. But then also his foot kind of like slides in the thing as well, turning slightly to the side, rotating his hip, having two centers of gravity

because he's got the rotation. Okay, rotational. Yeah, he's got the sort of the torsional going around like that. And so then his face just comes down. His hands go down to his sides, but his face still kind of just hits the shit.

Anyway, it could be done. It's definitely possible. Yeah. In theory, it's possible. I don't even think we need to take it to Mythbusters. Mythbusters, we've got a sentence for you. They must have so many myths sent to them that are shit. Yeah.

Or that involves poop. No, but I mean like that are just awful myths. Bad myths. Yeah. Yeah. They go... Waiting for those myths. And also that people don't really get

what myths are when they're sending it to them they go like two in the bird one in the bush that's a proverb yeah proverb busters

looking for myths this is funny a proverb buster a two in the a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush a guy's like yeah

no true yeah this bird in my hand is definitely better for me like in the bush, a guy's like, yeah, true. This bird in my hand is definitely better for me. Like a guy gets a bird in his hand, another guy gets two birds in a bush, and then they come back to them in a year and see who's doing better. The guy who's got a bird in his hand, it's probably really difficult for him to get through his life, because he's got a bird in his hand. It's probably really difficult for him to get through his life. You know, because he's got a bird in his hand.

Yeah. Oh, there's a phone. Phone's ringing. Do you think we should pause? I don't know if we're going to get to it in time. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Can we write this down?

I think this is a thing. Proverb busters. Yeah, because I think also, the two guys that have spent their life, spent their year after getting the two birds in the bush, they can just tell a story. And so one of them talks about his life with the bird or whatever he's done or whether he ate the bird or something.

The other one's just like, yeah, after I got the birds in the bush, they kind of just flew away. And then I got a job working as a kind of like a mail assistant in an office. Yeah. But then... Because the previous mail assistant, apparently he had a bird in his hand. Yeah.

And he quit. And he kept shitting on apples. He kept shitting on finches. Finches apples. Sorry, he's had an apple and shat on a finch. I got apples. Keep dropping apple seeds on Finch's. It's funny that Newton saw an apple fall and came up with the theory of gravity. And we've got...

And then Darwin... Saw a Finch shit on it. And he didn't come up with anything. He came up with a really bad theory. Really bad theory. Things dropping is not necessarily a good basis for a theory. Things falling on things. Oh yeah, so proverb...

Proverb busters. Solid. Yeah. Solid sketch. Solid sketch. Right? Well, I don't need to write solid sketch, but I'll write it down.

Oh. Thanks, mate. Bird in bush. Bird in bush. Bird in bush. What are some other ones? Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Yeah, it's a bit too bird-related. Well, it's fine.

Cat got your tongue? No. But it is fun, the idea that you get two guys, one who counted his chickens before they hatch, and the other one who didn't. And the near... Well, I think the thing would be, if you try and count your chickens before you hatch,

you don't actually have any chickens. Yeah. Zero. I've got zero chickens. I've just got a bunch of eggs. And then they hatch, and he's like, oh, six. I was wrong.

Then they hatch, but then he's already made his decision. Yeah. So he goes, oh, well, I suppose I better go into another business. And he starts selling grain. Cool. Which he was going to feed to the chicken. You want to take us through the sketches we've done today, Alistair? Yes, I do.

Okay, number one, we've got traveling beatboxer in Village Times. So, you know, this is, you know, it's like a lot of brown, people dressed in brown. Brown and grey, we've come up with the colour scheme for that sketch. Carrying, you know, grain and threshed wheat. Yep. Things like that. And then Timberland comes to town and he just gives them new beats and they're all really excited about it. We thought that would get a million views.

Sketch 1.5 is a demi-sketch. It's the color coordination threshold. This is the people who are poor. Not only do they only get colors like brown and gray, but they also don't go well together. And so it's once you get above that and you get into better colors that they can start matching. Yeah. Once you get above that and you get into better colors, they can start matching. Yeah.

Number two is sending your baby to English lessons with immigrants and old Russian ladies. Good. Yeah. We got a quarter sketch here, which is doing it at C level, but also at A level, B level, and D level. Yep. Because we thought that was maybe a reminiscence rather than a sketch. Yep. We got stereotyping Darwin. I wrote Dar-wing.

With a G? Yeah. That's fine. Dar-wing. Dar-wing. But don't take that into account. That's not part of the sketch. Stereotyping.

So it's that Darwin would just, every observation he made, he'd write a paper. And then one of them was finches or apple shitters because he saw that. So he would just stereotype everything. He'd make broad generalizations hoping that some of them would stick. Because, you know, he would send them all to a new scientist. And then some poor guy in administration would just have to, the editor or whatever would have to just read through all these things. Darwin was so prolific.

And then eventually just one of them took off. And he thought he'd expand on it. Yeah. It's great. Then we got Jesus. Here is bread. This is my body. Here is wine.

This is my blood. And here's a bowl of picnic bar. One of the chocolates, Jesus. And then we got proverb busters. That's a solid sketch. I got one guy who gets a bird in the hand, and the other one gets two in the bush, and then we see how they're doing a year later. I think the guy with the bird in his hand, the bird's probably dead at the end of the year. Yeah. It died.

And my hand's really infected because it was biting it and things. Just having to carry around this dead bird right into the wound. I've got avian bird flu. So I really want having a bird in the hand. It's actually not that good. So, thank you for listening to the podcast that we made. So I really want having a bird in the hand. It's actually not that good. So.

Thank you for listening to the podcast that we made. It was really nice to have you listening while we played along with thoughts and names.