Two In The Think Tank - 352 - "FEATURE TOE"

Episode Date: October 9, 2022

Get on board the Stupid Old Podcast Festival and get early bird discounts at sospresents.comSoul Smegma Religion, Sports Spread, No Stroke, Air Force 1 (Hundred Million BC), Organ Water, Mary J Bilge, Feature ToeGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here100% natural thanks to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life.

When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. Alistair, Alistair, before we start the podcast, just a moment of your time, I beg of you. Is this about the Stupid Old Studios Podcast Festival? You know, you're absolutely right.

It is. It's about the Stupid Old Studios Podcast Festival happening this Sunday, the 9th of October. Australian Eastern, very good time. And, Alistair, not only are you and I doing our show too in the think tank, but also you and I will also be sharing with matt stewart hosting duties in between the uh the many podcasts that take place over the course of that glorious day and i will be appearing as a guest on who knew it with matt stewart who would have my new favorite

podcast yes well matt because he books them well that's really nice, Andy. That's really, really nice. And so, like, tickets are just available, and you can buy it and then get a ticket for the whole day. That's right. And that also allows you to support Stupid Old Studios and its ability to continue to function as a business. Oh, my gosh. Well, that sounds really lovely.

And can people watch these things later? I think they can. I think there might be the opportunity to watch it later on. But I think it's way better to buy the ticket now and watch it all live, be part of the experience. You'll be able to interact online, send in your thoughts and your comments. We, the hosts of the day, will be able to react to those. You know, people love to be reacted to, to have their existence acknowledged. And if that's something you want, then $60 is an absolute snip to have your being affirmed.

An absolute, what's the other word for snip? Circumcision of your soul. Concision of your soul. Exposing all the very sensitive bits so that you can feel what it's like to be alive. Yeah, much more fully. All right. And your soul will be easier to clean. All right, let's begin. Yeah.

Hello. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley Birchall. Hello. Hello. And I'm Alistair George-William Trombley-Burchol. Hello.

Hello. And we are two guys who always remember to clean around the head of our soul. That's right. Absolutely. There's no soul smegma collecting underneath the skin of our soul. You know what? Soul smegma is an incredibly powerful concept. Yeah. I think, you know, I think when you think about the burdens that accumulate and, you know, I think it's basically, I think it's another word for emotional baggage, you know.

Yeah. And what is… I mean, but also karma, you know. You know. Yeah. you know and and what is i mean but also karma you know you know it's like all the all that dirty like you know as soon as you do something bad and you're like it'll be fine just just keep plowing forward you know and then you just carry that around with you is it wrong of us to at this point very early in the podcast to pitch a new religion which um is entirely uses penis metaphors to describe the soul um the process of healing uh i think you know a lot of um a lot of religious iconography is probably quite phallic anyway yeah and we are just um we're just, you know, we're just put, we're not using subtext.

It's all in the text. It's all, the subtext is penises. Yeah. And so we're trying to remove any of the important messages from being in the subtext. That's why we're putting something stupid there. The penis. Yeah. Right.

Often something disgusting like smegma like that right we're putting that in the subtext so that you look away from the subtext and straight at the message which is in the text yes that's right you've got a you've got a stuff um you know subtext is like the um the ballast the lower hold of a ship. And if you absolutely stuff that full, okay, then some of the meaning is bound to overflow onto the upper decks where it's much more visible to the passages. Yes. And those standing on the shore.

And that's what we guarantee to you. Yeah, I think that's really powerful, Alistair. And I'd like you to write that down as the first sketch idea. Andy, it's already down. Sol smegma religion. Beautiful. I mean, it feels like the sol smegma is the... I mean, it feels like the soul smegma is the thetan in the, is that right?

In Scientology? Yes. Your soul has this accretion of all these dead souls of aliens? Am I right? Something like that. Yeah, well, Andy, you know I know a lot about that. So I'll just go ahead and say yes. Well, you've gone clear, haven't you? Have I?

Yes. Well, yes, but that's due to the amount of oil I've been consuming. And so a lot of the stuff has... Your skin has just sort of become a sort of translucent. Yeah, it's clear, but it is still very fuzzy and smudgy. Yeah, you've managed to displace all the liquid in your body with oil. That's right. I am now much more buoyant.

That was my goal because I was sick of the thought of sinking to the bottom of the sea. Sick of it, Andy. I wonder if that works in swimming. If you have a belly full of oil, if you'll float better. Surely you would. Yeah, well... I put it to you that as a swimmer, you should be drinking one to two litres of oil

before you get into the pool. Yeah. I mean, I sometimes just naturally get indigestion when I'm swimming. I don't know why that was, but I would get indigestion. Well, that's just a gift that you have. Yeah. You're just very, you're blessed in that way. My superpower. And I can't imagine the amount of indigestion that i would get from just drinking two liters of what would you say would you think is it better to do like a canola or an olive or is it better to go the cruder stuff unrefined um yeah unrefined uh i think probably unrefined has a higher buoyancy lower density so yeah i think i think crude olive oil if such a thing exists um just that really thick stuff before it's been

fractionally distilled i think they give it a different name to that a more sort of religious kind of name i think or more um i think they just call it extroversion um well that's not what yeah um that's not what i'm saying do you think being oily do you think being oily like on the outside of your body would make you swim faster because it makes you slick through the water or it will make you swim slower because you slip through the water, you don't get any grip. You don't displace as much water. I think you would go faster. Yeah?

And I think I wouldn't be surprised if in a couple of Olympics time, we see before the race, the coaches down there with a butter knife and a tub of flora just absolutely spreading it on yeah yeah the uh their charges in between the toes yeah absolutely um i think that's really exciting i like that a sports spread it's the world's first sports world's first sports i also wouldn't be surprised yeah if there was an advantage to covering the top of the head in something like vegemite really that yeah because i think that the salt content yeah um could contribute to breaking some of the um the surface the water surface the surface tension what. What about covering your head in like sort of a dish soap? That would work.

Yeah? That would work, yeah. Soapy hair, you leave a trail of bubbles. Yeah. I'm surprised that this doesn't happen. I mean, imagine at the end of the day of Olympics, there's so much soap in the water that the surface is just completely

they're basically stirring it up dirty dish water at the end and because also have you ever seen that thing where somebody like puts like a bit of dish soap or something like that on like a that little paper that little paper clip thing that goes at the end of the bread bag in a like dish of milk. That's right. And you put a bit of dish soap on it and then it self-propels. Well, then that suggests to me that what you could do is you could get in the pool, you could put your legs in basically a frog kick position like you would use with the breast stroke and create that kind of little enclosed section a little

bay in between your legs leave a little gap between your heels pour or possibly if you're clever you've already pumped a whole lot of detergent into your butthole and then you just squirt some of that out

yes you squirt that out yeah release a little bit of that sports which i have it into that section between your legs yeah and then using the surface tension you propel yourself yeah with an area stroke along the surface yeah well i mean you know andy it makes sense that there's freestyle which is any stroke there's you know breast stroke which is uh you know breast stroke there's a butterfly of course there's backstroke which is butterfly there's backstroke which um i believe that's backstroke but um but there should be a category which is no stroke and it is it is all about chemical propellants that you can get and whatever you can get on your body like that there's no there's not allowed to have any kind

of combustion i don't i don't i mean i don't i assume unless i guess you can get i mean i guess you could cover your body in sodium metal and yes you could yes i suppose you could um you know and then have those explosions as it reacts with the thing that would probably propel you forward that would be a chemical reaction wouldn't it but it's it's what it's really about is the no stroke right yeah how are you feeling about no stroke and you started thinking about something else oh i i know i was i guess i wasisaging the person burning to death from the sodium. Yes, well, that's where...

And reaching the end of the pool is nothing but a little, like a crusty little nub from the top of the head that's all that's left. I think like freestyle, at some point they would find an equilibrium as to what is the best thing in terms of the fastest and you don't die. Yeah, that's what they were aiming for with the freestyle. They might get rid of all metals, you know, reactive metals or whatever like that, you know. I suppose, you know, like you could, do you think you could get a little bit of, like, you know, if you used like a sort of like a, you know, those ones that are down the antonyms or whatever those ones are down the bottom. Yeah, what are those?

Those ones that are kind of like naturally radioactive and they only exist for a few seconds. If you could get a few of those on there, do you think that decay, you know, those sort of like those things. The beta particles being shot out. Would it in some way give you some forward momentum? I guess you can't predict which direction they're going to go. I think that's one of the problems is that they are fired off in all directions. But what if you line the inside of your thighs with concrete? Yeah, or lead.

Yeah, or lead. Which would have issues for buoyancy, but once again, there's going to be a balance. Of course, you're going to have a belly full of oil so you'll be fine you'll balance that out with a belly full of you know maybe that same that same um that same sports margarine margarine i think you know what i think this is i think this is like the movie money ball right which is where they got um mathematicians and statisticians to run a baseball team. I believe. I haven't seen the film.

Yeah, right. But this is what if we got physicists and chemists to coach a swimming team? And the absolute transformation that that would bring to the sport. And what you realise is that actually it's not the power of their arms or their kicking ability that makes for a good swimmer. If you look at this from a physics point of view, it's how much oil they can fit into their belly and the surface area of their thighs to which you can affix lead plating

to absorb the beta radiation or at least from the nuclear isotope we've put into their butthole yes yes yes oh well of course well if you lined the inside of your your rectum i suppose with lead as well just like a you know like a temporary lead coating temporary lead i mean plus i guess once once stuff like after 15 minutes it's just a temporary lead coating after 15 minutes it's completely absorbed into the bloodstream um because i mean look i don't know about what the body thinks but you know that area inside the rectum right where it holds all the sort of the excrement i don't know if that should be absorbent in any way you know i don't know if it like if it has a backup kind of thing where it

like it it's like oh just in case this person is dying or something like that we can maybe get a few extra nutrients out of them out of this kind of stuff muck here you know so maybe they think that but i reckon you could just coat that with silicon or whatever and just be like fuck it you know yeah you know just like i don't know yeah at this point i'm sorry if the nutrients haven't been absorbed by this point that's a cut off that's our hard cut off we're not absorbing nutrients anymore yeah you had your chance you had your chance to be absorbed into the villi eye and the cilli eye or whatever they're called. I'm not absorbing anything that comes from poo. I'm sorry.

You're putting my foot down into my rectum. Okay. And my foot is covered in silicon and I'm using my foot to wipe it onto the inner lining of that section. Right. Yes. I'm like that guy that you know that Picasso guy? Picasso who does like sex festivals? I don't know.

Can you guess what he does? Picasso. Paint with his penis. He paints with his penis, right? Yeah. But I am more of a tradie and i use my foot instead of my penis uh and i and i coat things with silicon using my foot what about this pick asshole pick us yes what does he do well does he pick an asshole what do you think he does

oh that one he does i want that one his Or do you think he does? I want that one. His other name was Andy from the Little Britain sketch. Yeah. Series of sketches. Oh. Thank you very much. Did he? Yeah.

They ever make a movie? The Little Britain people ever make a movie? I mean, it's almost crazy that they wouldn't have but yeah i don't think they did no i don't think they did um i suppose when you're doing the same joke over and over again it's hard to turn that into a narrative because none of it has a narrative but i guess you could have that andy wheelchair character go you know some sort of adventure. Do even while his character isn't looking. You know, you start. You start it with a,

I want that one, like that. And then he goes, are you sure you want that one? Because, I mean, that's not really a thing that people want, you know? I mean, you don't really like that thing, do you? You know, okay, well, hang on. I'll go and get it now.

He goes, yeah, I want that one. Okay, sorry. I should have said that before. He hang on i'll go and get it now he goes yeah i want that one okay sorry i said i should have said that before he says he goes he's gonna go get it but anyway and then while he's his back is turned right this is opening opening 30 seconds yeah yeah we're already giving the audience everything they want and then he stands up because he's not actually disabled i guess or i guess he could just be a person who can you know some people use wheelchairs and i mean i think that's the that's what they're implying in there is that people in wheelchairs shouldn't be able to stand up but actually a lot of them can stand up they just um anyway but let's forget about you know all the messaging the details the subtext anyway and then he goes on some adventure possibly a hero's journey uh i think he runs and he gets into an airplane and we pan out and we see that

it says air force one yeah on the airplane he's flying air force one he's flying maybe during the age of trump maybe it was you know and so then because i think people would for some reason when you said during the age of yeah my first my first thing my my mind went what to was the dinosaurs during the age of the dinosaurs and i was instantly transported almost as if i was traveling on air force one to a very rich and complex um cinematic world wow uh yeah i mean you don't need drugs andy you just need a i just need a suggestion from the audience and uh and then you can be taken i need a suggestion from the audience kill yourself okay here we go i was about to anyway interesting

but what about this? What do you think about this for a concept for a film? It's Air Force One, the airplane Air Force One. But it's alive. The president is on board. And it flies into an electrical storm. Yeah. Right?

And it is struck by lightning and transported back in time to the time of the dinosaurs okay yep i mean what a premise i mean that is fun yeah and is the president duane the rock johnson the president is duane the rock johnson you're absolutely correct already see this playing out it's essentially you just take the script from jumanji 2 um you make Dwayne the president. You make Jack Black the secretary of state. This is actually a really good idea. Yeah.

You know, and at the end of the film, they have to, because there's another electrical storm coming, right, and they have to fly back into it. And it involves somehow them getting on the back of a Hatsygopteryx, okay, one of those enormous flying dinosaurs. They're all on there. During a lightning storm. They fly into the storm.

They get struck by lightning. They come out the other side. They're back in the modern day. They land it on the runway in England. They climb off the Hatsygopteryx, and they're greeted in the modern day they land it on the runway in england they climb off the hatsikopteryx and they're greeted by the queen okay and the queen's still alive at this scenario and in the background in the background we see as as they're embracing the queen she's loosened up a lot um in the background. There's tongue.

In the background, we see the Hatsikopter eating Prince Andrew. Yes! Yes! Finally! This is like when Tarantino killed Hitler in his movie. They were like, this is what we wanted

to happen the whole time! Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Oh, that's a great i think that's a great um yeah concept uh and i'm not quite there'll be a there'll be a really good pun um in the in the title whatever it is you know um air force 100 million years ago yeah something like that no no no that's too that's not there's more dinosaurs then okay air force 1 million years bc yeah uh 100 million years bc i think it would have to be it would have to be because i think 1 million million years BC there would just be humans around and just not much

going on but there might be woolly mammoths and some like there could be like some homo habilis or something like that or like homo I gotta say I really want to see this film yeah me too I'm actually really excited about the idea of them landing

there in these ancient times They spend a bit of time trying to get Air Force One back into the air but obviously That doesn't work At the end Yeah you know the realisation That they've got to fly on the back of these things The president is Dwayne

The Rock Johnson I mean it's got everything Andy this is the only kind Of movie they can make these days i know this is like they can only make big budget movies that are dumb that have dwayne the rock johnson in them yeah that's all they can make so they they actually can't say no we actually can't release this podcast because somebody will make it without our permission. All right. You know, normally we say, hey, people, you can make these sketches if you want, right?

Just, you know, try to credit us. This one you can't. Yeah. This one you've got to pay us. There's a legislative carve out for this one. Sorry, guys. I know we had that legally binding verbal contract in one of the early episodes where you said you could.

Well, now we're legally vetoing that, saying you can't. And, yeah, if you want this, Hollywood, if you want this, Dwayne, give us a call. You'll have to take it from our cold, dead, the hands that we have from our cold houses. Yeah. Our hands in our cold house. Our cold, dead, looking hands. You know, when I did a TV show, remember that TV show that you were doing some writing on and then you managed to get me on to as a guest panelist?

One of my greatest achievements. Celebrity letters and numbers? Well, when I did that, I was sitting in the makeup chair having a fun time. You know, the makeup people were very wonderful. And you were sitting next to Dwayne the Rock Johnson. No, no. This is close, though. This is close.

Then they said, I'm going to have to put some makeup on your hands. And I said, why? They said, well, because your hands can appear on camera, and if we don't put makeup on them, they look dead. Wow. Wow. Yeah. I mean, is that a problem? Would people see the hands and say, are those the hands of a corpse?

That man's hands are dead. Yeah. All the contestants have got the hands. What is going on with this television program? I mean, you know, because i guess people are so prone to um to conspiracies these days you could easily say that you know all the people that the government is killing they're hiding it by laundering the hands through tv panel shows laundering laundered organs yeah that's a great what a great phrase to say laundered organs

laundered organs i have to try and say it with my accent laundered organs laundered organs laundered organs laundered organs laundered organs laundered organs i laundered my organs this morning i laundered my organs this morning i learned i laundered my own organs this morning with morgan i laundered my organs this morning with organ do laundered my own organs this morning with morgan i laundered my organs this morning with organ do you ever picture what it would be like if you had to like clean your organs like so like let's say let's say like there was an opening in the front right and this is just a normal part of life right that you as well as cleaning your body you have to go and sit in front of a bucket of water soapy water

you gotta reach in you gotta grab this thing but you just kind of go like you just gotta pinch them off before you pull the organ out you've got to pull it all the way out like it actually comes out i think it's still attached and you're sort of like dangling your heart out of your chest a bit into the bucket yeah right and sort of wiping around yeah okay yeah and then you kind of like but you also got to rub it against the like a washboard oh you know what the bit i hate the most though is picturing drying it off with a terry toweling oh yeah yeah because then all that all those little bits of fluff getting stuck to it it's that's exactly the bit i'm having the most trouble with the little bits of fluff yeah you'd probably have to use paper towels but they still are prone to a bit of fluff

you put your heart back in and it's all itchy oh yeah and you spend your whole day it just feels or it feels too dry yeah poking yeah poking your hand into your chest cavity, trying to rearrange your heart like it's testicles in a pair of shorts. Yeah. I think it would be good if there was like a torso juice or something like that you could dip them in. It's probably something that's been emulsified. So it's probably a mixture of water and oil. Mayonnaise. Exactly.

Or an aioli, at least. And then you just kind of like smudge it like that and then it gives it that nice kind of greasy, slippery. It gives it that natural slipperiness that mimics the body's grease. And then you could slip it back in and then it's like, and then it kind of finds its own natural positioning.

Like, you know, any little torsion and the twists from taking it out and stuff like that, they all kind of unwind when there's not too much friction along the surface of the heart and the spleen and stuff. The other option, of course, would be talcum powder. You go completely the opposite direction. You know, you talc it so that it can slide that way. With the lubricating, that's, you know, talcum is this amazing sort of thing

which is a lubricating dryness. Yeah, but I think it's been found to be cancerous, like carcinogenic. Yeah, that's the best bit. Yeah, that's the best bit. You want to get that inside your torso. I think that, I mean, was that associated with some talcum powder that contained asbestos or was that just all talcum powder? I'm not sure.

I don't know whether. Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun only on disney plus we live and we die we control nothing beyond that an epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by james clavelle to show your true heart just to risk your life when i die here you'll never leave japan alive fx's shogun a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply.

Wait. IARC classifies talc that contains asbestos as carcinogenic to humans. Yeah. I mean. Talc that contains asbestos. Obviously that feels a bit like that was predictable. Well, I mean, it's very easy to sit here and judge Alistair. Johnson and Johnson.

You know, if we're not actually doing it ourselves. Everybody is an armchair critic these days, and everybody thinks they know better than the experts. So, of course, you know, you can sit there. You can do a bit of Googling, you can see that the name says containing asbestos, and you can sort of very glibly say, oh, well, that doesn't sound good. But until you've actually been there on the floor making the asbestos,

having to make the hard calls about should we use the one that – oh, sorry, making the talcum powder, having to make the hard calls about should we use the one that, oh, sorry, making the talcum powder, having to make the hard calls about should we use the one that contains asbestos or doesn't. Until you've been in that position, it's very, very arrogant of you to claim that you would have been able to do any differently than what they did under those circumstances. Yeah, I guess, you know, and imagine how tempting it would have been for johnson and johnson when you're making something powdery and you're like and there's this powdery substance that people can't wait to give away yeah right like they're like actually there's a very low

demand on this and you're like well we could just add this to this and just get a little extra, you know, even if it's just like a 5%, a 1% boost in profits. And, you know, you're like, are there any downsides to this? You ask the supplier, you say, is there anything bad about this asbestos or this product, this powder? And they say, well, it's bad if you're a fire. Do you want your product to be flammable? Yes. You say, no.

No, I don't. So, that's good. Yeah. That's on the positive column. Yeah, that's right. And I guess when you're about to go for a run and your thighs rub together, as many of us' thighs do, and so you put some talc in there, the last thing you want is for those two dry surfaces to get so warm

that they combust. And so it almost seems stupid not to put a known carcinogen between your legs. Yes, indeed. Especially one that contains the word best. As best as possible.

As best as we can do under the circumstances. Write that pun down, Andy. That's going to be used somewhere. Was that your head exploding? Yeah, that's right. It was the raw power of that glorious pun. Would it be crazy for us to go straight to three words from a listener?

I think it would be crazy for us not to. Well, okay then, because I'm going to start shifting into that segment. The segment where, I don't know if you know this, but listeners can send in three words if they are members of our Patreon. Kind, generous members of our Patreon. Soon to be my only source of income um these generous people uh they can send in three words andy i don't know if you know that and so then we take those three words and we use them as a as the starting point of inspiration fodder you know like uh you know like like the australians were at gallipoli or whatever it was.

Do you think that when there's a popular TV franchise like Star Wars or Star Trek or something like that, and then there's all that other stuff that goes around it, like the comic books and the novelization tie-ins and the video games. There's all this stuff. There's actually vastly more of that stuff out there than there is the actual original source material. Yeah.

Do you think that you could refer to all that other stuff as cannon fodder? But cannon with one N. Cannon. It's part of the cannon. Yeah. Wait. Is cannon with one N a cannon? Like a bang cannon?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Cannon with two Ns is a bang cannon. Cannon with one N refers to the body of law. L-O-R-E. No, no. I mean, yes, it does, but also it refers to the broader conceptual world and all the body of precedence

and written material that builds up the accepted stuff. I understand it now. But it's just when you originally said cannon fodder with one N, I thought you meant a ream of A4. That's really good um thank you oh i just i just realized geraldine quinn appeared in my dream last night i think oh that's exciting yeah anyway um yes okay so now our three words from a listener andy today's do you want to try and guess which um which listener they come from um yep um rebus mcgillicuddy oh very good guess um similar number of syllables i would say um okay but uh it's on uh i've never i've never known how to pronounce this, but I'm going to.

Andriana Genualdi. Andriana Genualdi. Once again, we are Genualdi. Thankful. And I'm sorry that I say that every time. No, but we are Genualdi. Thankful. Andy, how would you like to have a crack at guessing what the first word that she has submitted is? First word is yolk.

Y-O-L-K. Andy, it's not accurate, but the first letter does have a stem, like the Y, and the second letter is O, and there is four letters. Wow. I can't wait to find out what it is.

Okay. The first word is port. Port? Yeah. Wow. Okay. I guess the third word could be of. The third word?

Wait. The second word? Of? Of? Port of? Ooh. Very inaccurate. The actual word has, I would say, 50% more letters and no similar letters.

Not even the same. None are similar. The second word is man. Ma-n okay port man okay i said that this is a portmanteau reference so i'm gonna say toe t-o-e t-o-e portmanteau yes andy you have the second letter correct. And you have the third letter correct. And you also have the first letter correct. Eddie, you got it. Yes. Yes.

Portmanteau. Wow. Yeah. I mean, that's fantastic. And now it makes me think of a swollen whaler's like wet, salty, sort of waterlogged big toe. Yeah. And now I'm picturing somebody taking a little pin, a little like sewing pin to that toe and then a bunch of seawater coming out. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah, okay, that's disgusting. Yeah. They're sort of bursting it like a boil, but it's full of seawater. They catch that water in a special little cup, and then they sell it to very, very rich women to wear to the Met Gala ball. In what, toe water in a little jar around their neck? I think maybe they squirt some of it on their décolletage and the rest they wear in a little jar.

They do up their makeup and then they squirt a little bit of this salt water on there and it makes their makeup run a little bit, fucks it up. Right. Okay, it's got that little slight um train wreck i've been crying in the bathroom kind of because it's it's the closest thing to tears you can find and especially for people who's who's you know uh tear ducts may no longer function um it's it's it's It's chemically identical to tears. All you need is a man whose foot is often immersed in the liquid at the bottom of a small wooden boat.

The bilge. The bilge, like this, and his foot is just immersed in that little bit of water that just comes know, little tiny surface waves, a bit of choppiness. You know what would be great? We could get Mary J. Blige to be our spokesperson and we could call this product Mary J. Bilge. That's very good, yeah. And it just is in a spritzing bottle like that? Yeah, a little spritz. Or like in an eyedropper to sort of mimic tears.

Or like in an eyedropper to sort of mimic tears. There are some little bottles where it's all glass and they do something with a hole at the top so that when you tip it, you do just get a little droplet out. Ah, yes. I did get some samples of CK1 like that when I was in year seven. Very interested in CK1. Yeah, great. I mean, I think you are, and maybe I'm wrong, but I think you're raised as a young teenage boy to think that smell is going to have a much bigger impact.

You know, your odour and that sort of thing is going to have a much bigger impact. You know, your odour and that sort of thing is going to have a much bigger impact over your future happiness and success than it perhaps really does. You're sold this idea of this incredible power... Yes. ..that scents and aromas can have to maketh the man. And really the main thing is that you just don't stink.

If you don't stink, then after that, everyone's on exactly a level playing. You're ahead of 66% of the competition. Yeah. And it is a competition. Don't stink. Yeah. When I heard portmanteau,

I was for some reason picturing a new type of shoe, like a business shoe or something like that, where the big toe is exposed. It's a, you know, it becomes a new trend. And I suppose it's a real, you know. Oh, and then you like do up your toe you dress it up or you put you know you sorry dressing it up seems counter to the idea of keeping it nude out of the not necessarily i mean the the idea is that you can then focus on making really looking after that toe and having an incredibly doesn't really matter what the other toes look like but that toe will yeah will be gorgeous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which will be difficult to maintain because obviously it's exposed to the elements. I imagine it's getting whacked into things all the time. But that's why it becomes such a status symbol. Yeah. The fact that you are able to maintain this toe in such a good condition. A feature toe. Like the tail of a peacock.

Yes, that's right. And guys with very big ones big big toes oh big big swinging toes yeah you know i met a guy once and he revealed it to me whilst i was very high he had he showed me his double big toe it was like it had what it had like two big toe bones in it whoa was it just really wide really wide so it wasn't split down the end but it was like two toes jammed into the one toe sock yeah skin sock two in one two for one deal and was that was the toenail really wide as well really broad yeah yeah it looked like it did it glitched or you know like something that happened and something did happen i find that

really thrilling yeah it was and so i went what like you know obviously that's what you want that's what somebody wants when they're revealing a part of their body. But I guess you're showing it off as a party trick if you're kind of taking it out during a party. Sure. I mean, there's not that much cause for it otherwise. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever shown anyone my toe outside of a medical context.

No? As a sort of a reveal. But, you know, that'd be a nice thing about these shoes. Yeah. You know, now it's all out there on the table, quite literally a lot of the time, because you'll be putting your feet up on the desk. I think that this could actually do really well during a fashion week. You know, but what you need is a foot milliner to be able to make this for you. You know, whatever the...

A foot milliner. If only there was a word for people who make shoes. You know, for those things, those people who make the hats of the feet. I mean, they are. Shoes are the bottom hats. They are the bottom hat. You're absolutely right. Twin bottom hats.

For my foot head. It would be cool to have shoes that do look like a plate and that makes your foot look like a meal. Um. You know? Yeah.

It looks like it's serving up foot, but then it's got stuff all over the top of it, like spaghetti sauce or something like that. It makes up part of the strap. There's meat and vegetables and stuff around it yeah yeah i mean however you whatever meal you want to make it look like you could make it look like yeah soup foot cake or foot soup yeah you know like because that's those you know those soups where there's often like a like a ham bone in there? Yeah. Yeah. I don't, but I do now.

Well, I guess for you it would be like a tofu bone. Anyway, I guess we probably better wrap up this episode. In a little bow. Before we go, just a reminder about that podcast festival. Purchase those tickets. Purchase. This is your chance. This is your chance to experience an absolutely unrivaled form of joy.

Yeah. And there's so many good podcasts, it's going to be a great time. I can't wait to see you all there. Eastern very good time. Not standard at all. Very quickly, take us through the uh sketch ideas andy we have the soul smegma religion we have right the uh the what wait the world's sports spread

um yeah which is you know like an oil that you cover on the body for um for swimming faster then we have the no stroke swim stroke which is all about chemical propulsion then we have when we finally get some chemists involved in swimming exactly then we have air 100 million BC Air Force One back to this is such a good idea you could even somehow make it a Christmas movie just so you could release it on December 26th

on Christmas day wow instead of as on Christmas Day. Yeah. What an opening box office you'll have. Yeah. And then we've got cleaning organs and soapy water. Then we've got Mary J. Bilge.

It's the whaler's toe salt water as tear replacement. And then we have, of course, the feature toe. Shoe keeps big toe out. I mean, can you tell that Alistair and I have been having to write very mainstream sketches professionally? Recently. And it has displaced a lot of our insanity into the podcast. Yeah, yeah. We're not, I mean, to even find a standard joke in here,

you would have to dig quite deep. You would be hitting mantle. All right. And do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Thank you so much for listening to In the Think Tank. We love that you did that too. And you can find us on Twitter, Instagram. You can support us on the Patreon. You can join the Discord and have a bloody good chat. You can purchase Gustav and Henry if you're in the United States of America. If you're in the United States of Australia,

you can get yourself a copy or two of this wonderful book. That seems magnificent. Thank you very much, Andrew, and thank you very much, me, and thank you very much, listeners. Good day to all of you,

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