Two In The Think Tank - 354 - "BYE FLY GUY"

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

Bye Fly Guy, Topical Time Travel, Blate Rink, WFW, Sharp Spray, Outsider Fart, Jizzy TissueYou can still stream SOS PODFEST at sospresents.comGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEverything left in the thank bank to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats, but meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Gag and gag and gag and gag. Gag and all that gag. Gag. It's gag. Gag, gag, in all that gak, gak, it's gak, gak, gak, gak, I'm getting gak on my gak. I mean, the things that you people put up with. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

And I'm Alistair Trombley-Burgell. And Al, we've made a lot of references on this show, possibly, or at least in our comedy writing career, to the Jeff Goldblum movie, The Fly. Now, I think it's important that I reveal, after all this time, I've never actually seen the film. I find the very concept of it much too scary. What I do know about it, I find terrifying. But it just occurred to me that um my beloved was turning into a fly

and terrorizing the household um you know what i would do yeah i would simply turn off the light in the bedroom and i would turn on the light in the hallway and i would lure her out. Or him. Out into the other room. Fucking hell. Oh, yes. Sorry, that was really good. I would turn off the light over here. And I would turn on the lamp at the other end of the house. You have a terrible internet connection.

Oh, is that what it is? Is that what it is? Yeah, that's what's going on. Can you not hear me very clearly? Yeah. Would you like to start again or would you like to continue? No, no, no. Because it was a very good joke.

Thank you, Alistair. Now, is it a sketch idea? I mean, what if we were able to, you know, he was inventing a, this would be great. If I invented a time machine, you know what I would do? I would go back in time and I would make all of my sketch ideas topical. I would go back and like Biff. And take all your sketch ideas and do them at the perfect time. Exactly.

Biff with the sports almanac. But me, just going back with all the best topical jokes and riffs, all the most biting satire. I would go back in time with a book of the best satirical writing of the last hundred years, and I would just make perfectly timed, pithy comments about world affairs. Andy, that's also a great idea because it's somebody who's using time travel

to just make the perfect joke at the perfect time. Yeah. All right. That's two jokes. Two ideas. All right. Let's get this episode done. Done in 10 minutes.

done done in 10 minutes and we've got to do it quickly because i'm about to die i don't have long i'm not long for this world oh god i hope that on alistair alistair i hope that we don't i hope that we die together you and i i hope that we die together, you and I. I hope that we die riffing. I hope that we die coming up with sketch ideas. The last one that we come up with is something about body modification, having a new hole put in the middle of the bottom of your foot, you know, because it's not used for anything. You know, you put a new orifice down there or something

that releases slime so that you can skate around like a barefoot but like a slug everywhere you go is an ice skating rink i mean have they thought about this right this is this is my new idea alistair it's an ice skating rink all right i'm ready but what what you have is you have the floor is made entirely out of blades and you strap blocks of ice to your feet. And, you know, I think with global warming, with the cost of creating these enormous rinks of ice, it doesn't make sense to have that huge amount of ice

when we could just have a very small amount of ice and that be on the bottom of the foot. And then we make the floor out of blades that does make a lot more sense i mean it does doesn't it does all that energy that it does all that energy you have to use to make the steel well you only have to make that once that's the thing you see um i think And then eventually it pays for itself. Exactly, yes. I mean, you'd be crazy not to. You know, we'll do the maths and you'll pay this thing off,

this entirely blade-based rink in four years. And after that, it's all profit. You can just be turning out the little ice blocks in the freezer, in one of those ice block things. Yeah, blade rink. Well, you know, I discovered very recently that having three holes, other than, you know, like just all together in a cloaca, is a very new modern development. Having a separate urethra pipe, having a separate poop pipe, all that kind of stuff, right?

And so then it makes you think, well, as we move forward, other fluids may have their own pipe. We might get a separate jizz pipe so we don't have to share you know it's like as this the creature starts to do better they can afford you know it's like like as a person they can afford more holes like like as a person starts to do better you know they can each member of the family of their family can have their own room. Which is a type of hole. Nobody has to share a room. Isn't a room just a hole?

It is a hole. It's kind of like a lung. It's like a person lung. Hang on. A room is a person lung. A person lung, and you sort of go in and out of it is that right so so the the person is the air is that is that what you're saying yeah the person is the air yeah moving in and out that is what i'm saying

yeah no that's what i'm saying they're moving in and out um and now what other other parallels are there? Let's see. Well, rooms, of course, they expand and contract. Wait, wait, wait. They can become congested. Yes. No, go on.

They can be filled with fluid. Exactly. And you die. You die because of it. My God, this is incredible um you can i guess you could i mean i guess yeah a lung also has a lot of blood vessels and things like that that take some things away that can be ants well speaking of ants would love this sketch speaking of of body modification, I wonder if it's possible to have, you know, you can have a lung removed, right, and you can have a lung transplanted in. Would it be possible to have the division between the two lungs knocked out like you would knock out the dividing wall between two smaller rooms and get yourself a nice big open plan.

Open plan lung? Yeah. It's a bit more roomy. Yeah, I mean, it does create a problem if one of your lungs collapses and then now both are collapsing. Well, yes, but I mean, you could say that about an open play and living room. Yeah. But if you take out, I mean, if you knock out all the support beams,

yeah, I suppose you could say that about a big open play and living room, that if the ceiling collapses in this one room, then it collapses in all the rooms that are open in here. Exactly. I mean, soon you'll be telling me that open plan offices in which everybody can distract everybody else and there's not a moment of privacy or silence are a bad idea. A bad idea.

A bad idea. The open plan office really is the opposite of working from home, isn't it? Firstly, you're working not from home. Yeah, that's a big way in which it's the opposite of working from home isn't it firstly you're working not from home yeah that's it that's a big way in which it's the opposite that's the big one that's a real but but then you're also you're also you're also packed together like and you're all in contact you have all the privacy when you're at home. You can do whatever you can have. You can have a 10-minute wank break.

Wanking from home, that's what I call it. Wanking from work. You know, I had to make some adjustments, because obviously I'm not going to wank at work. So, I had to go into the office to do that. Hang on. Okay. So you're working from home, but you don't think it's appropriate to wank in the office at where you work?

At my place of work. At my place of work. My place of business. You're going into the office exclusively to wank. Just to wank. Just to wank. Is that a sketch idea? I don't know. I mean, it's making me laugh.

Making me laugh a lot. I think it is a sketch idea. Is it as funny as Blade Rink? Well, did you write down Blade Rink? Yeah, I wrote down Blade rink yeah right down blade oh wow see what i like about blade rink is how bad an idea it is i mean a floor made entirely out of blades if you're going to think of something that would be worse to fall over onto than ice i would probably i would probably have to say blades for mine.

Yeah, but it's one big blade. It's a big thick blade that isn't sharp. I don't know about that. I think it might be sharp. It's very big and it's very thick, but it's somehow also sharp. It's sharp all over. It's a big flat surface and somehow it's sharp. I don't know how.

But I think the idea of not, of like just having blocks of ice under your feet and being on a big metal sort of plane, flat metal plane, that you just glide over frictionlessly that you have no control of once you leave the walls. I think that's also interesting. It is interesting yes maybe there's ropes maybe there's ropes that dangle sort of like old flushing things that you can grab onto and kind of swing yourself and then back into a direction yeah there could be objects there could be yeah poles above your head that you can grab or like a series of monkey bar type things that you can sort of swing yourself or push off from. Maybe just other people.

This talking about a flat plane that is somehow sharp made me yearn for the idea that we are somehow able, maybe science can do this, they are able to distill the essence of sharpness, right? We're able to get sharpness as a property in a can or a jar or a paste or something like that so that you can spray sharpness onto something, say like a teddy bear. Okay. Or a knife. And then without changing the shape. It was originally made for knives. It was originally made for knives,

but they discovered you could put it on anything, right? And then you could use that teddy bear like a knife to slice cucumber or something like that, you know, and eventually the sharpness will wear off, you spray a bit more on. I don't... It's a sort of a... For me, it's a very pleasantly mind-bending concept, trying to imagine something that is sharp that isn't. Yeah, but like you seeing somebody slice through a loaf of fresh bread

with a teddy bear. Yeah, and it you seeing somebody slice through a loaf of fresh bread with a teddy bear. Yeah, and it's falling away beautifully. And I guess, I mean, I think the only way I can make it work is that I'm picturing actually just like the hairs are somehow doing it. So you're only really doing it with the little bits of hair that are sticking out. Yeah, but I don't think that's it, though. That's not the purity of your idea.

Yeah. No. It's not that everything got really stiff. No. It's still soft. It's just all so sharp. I mean, that would be interesting. Do you know who I would say this idea is very similar to

who is this who is similar to a person it's no we'll do something in a kind of idea that somebody would have in their book uh i don't know whom what would be your first guess, if you were to analyze it in such a way? Philip K. Dick. No, no, that guy who wrote those Discworld books. Oh, Terry Pratchett. Yeah. Yeah, my mate. Well, yeah, it does have actually significant...

The idea of taking the essence of something, being able to capture the essence of something in that way is an extremely Pratchettian idea. And I apologise if, in fact, he has even done this idea of distilling the essence of sharpness and applying it to other objects. No, he wouldn't have. He wouldn't dare. He wouldn't dare. He wouldn't dare. Not on a day like this. Not with the UK.

Not in this economy. Not with the UK's political troubles and such turmoil. No. No, not with him being dead like he is. Like he's been. Not at this point. He's still dead. like he is. Like he's been. Not at this point. How many years after he died. Not without collaborating with

Neil Gaiman. Ah. Or Diamond. Eww. Um... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. We've technically done 5. See, that's how we do it. That's how we do it. That's how we do it. That's how you do it in 15 minutes.

We have been writing so many sketches recently. Andy, I would be okay with ending it. I thought we were actually, I was thinking we were almost at a point where we were going to skip this week's episode. Do you want to just do three words from a listener alistair let's do it this is okay this is you know what this is this is poo in the shorts it could be a new it's a poo in the shorts but we didn't we we didn't do we didn't just do like three ideas or whatever or one idea whatever

the poo in the shorts was the same number of ideas but in a very short space of time we have but we why don't you take us to three words from a listener alistair yeah i'll take it there um it's just late everybody it's late and we've had a fucking hell of a week where we thought it was going to be empty. And then it ended up being one of the fullest weeks any of us have ever had. Okay. So, three weeks from a listener. I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners. And one of them is called Brayden Douglas.

And we're not using his words today. But I thought I'd mention it. If you want to join the Discord, you can. Brayden's got some great stuff in there. Brayden's got some great stuff in there. Braden's got some great stuff going on. He's very slowly, we're very slowly reading Moby Dick together. He's pasting in paragraph by paragraph. Little bits of Moby Dick in there.

Slow Moby Dick, he's calling it. It's a very funny bit. I'll be honest, I haven't read all of them. He hasn't called it Slow B Dick? No, he hasn't. He's called it Slow Moby Dick. Slow Mo B Dick. But

Slow B Dick... I'll suggest it to him. I'll suggest it to him right now because I know he listens to the podcast. Oh, that's nice. It's always good to have a fan. I've got three words for you, Brayden. Mate.

Slow be dick. Idea. Idea. Brayden Douglas has three words for you, Andy. Okay. And do you want to try to guess what they are? I don't think you've done them. The first word is outsider.

Oh, no, but it ends in a very similar sound. Oh, great. I was hoping that the words were going to be outsider fart exhibition. Outsider fart exhibition. Yeah, it's like outsider art, but it's like outsider art but it's yeah it's outside of farts but and is it also outside yeah that feels like a good place that fart exhibition yeah it's probably better if you want to want more people to experience the fart yeah and i think that's part of it oh imagine. It's just you walk into a room and there's a person

standing there and the tour takes you to this person and they go like, well, this is Simon and he's for the last three days has only eaten cabbage and onions. And then he goes, alright, Simon, are you ready to go? He goes, yes.

And he goes, all right, Simon, are you ready to go? He goes, yes. And he goes, brrrr, like that. And then we're in a white-walled kind of small gallery. Yeah. And then everybody goes. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls?

Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age.

Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Like that. And they go, yes. And you see, they go, you can smell the meaning in that. Yeah, that's fucked. And then they go, i'm getting onions and cabbage

i mean the idea of deliberately smelling somebody's fart is so unpleasant i know but as a sketch you can even picture it as a as like a funny news story like the light-hearted news story where they're like now most people would go out of their way to smell a fart yeah but remember when we were when we were working on that show that needed to have light-hearted news stories and there were certain categories of things where they were just like well that this is just too gross you can't actually put this out there like there was one week somebody tried to get up a story about a woman in hungary who was helping people by

licking their eyeballs in some way and the producer came in and he was really angry that that had made it through onto the onto the whiteboard wow i mean there was one day where i was looking at the news and there was a story i think i've mentioned this on the podcast but there was a story that a circus bus in russia had gone over some big bump, and a very big lady had fallen off her seat onto the crocodile that was in the aisle. The crocodile? The crocodile, yeah. And that the crocodile was injured

and started vomiting or something like that. And it was just like, what the fuck is this story? How did the news find out about this? The news. How did the Daily Mail find out about this? No, I found out about it, I'm on the other side of the world and now I'm learning about this. I mean, we're not equipped as a species, we're not equipped to hear about circus bus accidents

on the other side of the world than to have those things at our fingertips. I've just found it. What's it doing? You found the story. The headline is from 2014. Crocodile in hospital after being crushed by 18 stone Russian accountant on a bus. Wait, so she was an accountant?

Was she a circus accountant? I guess so Now, 18 stone I don't know how stone works But I'm assuming That's extremely heavy Right In kgs, let's see

Wait 18 Stone in kilograms Is 114 kilograms. Yeah, right. So it's a big accountant. Yeah. It's big for an accountant.

Anyway, should we go back to Braden's words? I'm trying to think of a joke about writing it off. She wrote off the... The croc. Attacks. Crocodile attacks. Attacks write off. Nah, don't worry about it.

My accountant wrote off... Was able to write off my... Crocodile. On attacks. My accountant wrote off, was able to write off my crocodile on a tax. Forget it. Forget it. I said forget it. All right, the words from Braden. Okay, so do you remember what the first one was?

No. Purveyor. Purveyor. Great word. Second word, surveyor. It is surveyor. Yes. It is surveyor. Purveyor.

Surveyor. Conveyor. Conveyor. Oh, Andy. You fell for it. Oh. You fell for it. You fell straight into his trap.

That was so stupid of you. Of course, the third one's conveyor. The third one is... No, I said it's not. I'm saying it's not. The third one is splooge. Conveyor? Surveyor?

Fine splooge. Splooge. Splooge. Okay. Splooge only has one meaning, right? Let's see. Splooge. It means to ejaculate? I mean, is that in summary related to the luge,lympic sport i think if it was s-p-l-u-g-g-g splooge it's probably like

losing on a really hot day yeah yeah sure that's the sound you make it when you get into the pool at the end i mean that that is i imagine you know, because you can go, that's what they should call water slides. That should be called splooging. Yes, you're absolutely right. Yeah, they don't have any hard, like, platforms for you to go down on water slides, right? Like a luge or like a you know like a like a big wooden raft i think that would you know to like have a full like huck finn kind of experience going down the rapids but in the safety of a water park they don't have that ah yes the safety of a water park

but also you can go through the tunnels on this raft with like five other people. Oh, wow. You know? I mean, you're basically describing one of those long flume rides, right? No, no, no, no. Because those, you're all each in a seat.

Oh, okay. You're loose. You're loose in this situation. You're standing on a wooden platform. Are there also like barrels and stuff on there with you? It just floats because of the circular nature of the tubes you're going down. Yeah, no, but I was picturing like loose objects on the raft. Well, I think there's a... Not just people, but...

Yeah, yeah, there's a fishing rod. Yeah, okay. There's a fishing rod. Yeah, okay. There's a sort of an empty box, an empty cigar box maybe. Perfect. Or maybe it has some gold coins in it. Some stolen, valuable, antique gold coins. Yeah. Wow.

And there's a bunch of, what are those things that you carry on a stick that you tie up onto a stick? A bindle. There's a couple of bindles filled with sort of stale bread and maybe some apples. I mean, once upon a time, most bread would have been stale, I'm sure. It's probably how it's supposed to be eaten. Three days after it was made, maybe? Once upon a time, three days after something was made? I mean, I feel like...

I don't think bread was supposed to be stale. I think it's not supposed to. You can't. Do you think the idea that somebody could bake a stale bread? Make it stale. Like, yeah. That's how we're trying to get it. I feel like that's what Subway does.

I don't know. You see them. They bake the bread right there in front of you. And then you eat it. You're like, it's stale. How did you do that? How did you're like it's stale how did you do that how did you already make it so stale it's freshly baked day old bread how is that possible i mean now that you say it you do it actually is quite an achievement. Yeah. Have you somehow distilled the very essence of what it is to be stale?

And you spray that onto the bread at the last possible minute? Ah, yes. And then, is this the same thing? Is this your stale spray? That's right. And then you cut something with it. You can spray something, it makes it instantly stale, and then you can make croutons out of it.

You make the bread instantly stale, and then you slice that stale bread with a teddy bear. With a teddy bear. I know, but could you imagine making a table stale, and then with the spray, and then you could use that table after you bake it a little bit as croutons in the stomach so hang on the bread the table the table is i've i lost i lost it halfway through there i am really not in a good place anymore alistair i'm not fit to be doing this podcast at this point. It's fine. We're almost over, Andy.

Yeah, okay, great. So, surveyor, purveyor, I mean, purveyor, so that's somebody who sells things, obviously. A surveyor is someone who measures the size of things. And splooge is, of course, jizz. So,

let's see. I mean, could you have someone come around to your house after you've done a splooge and they measure it up for you and you could sell it to them? Yeah. Let's see. Is it like all in tissue or something like that i imagine well in my mind for this to work i guess it's on the floor or on the wall

for some reason i'm picturing somebody going into somebody's room and finding like a bunch of tissues or something like that it's like dry and kind of um and then somebody goes, oh my God, what's this? And you go, oh, I'm sorry, that's... I used that. That's... Dried ejaculate. That's dried ejaculate. And the guy goes, can I have this? Well, you said you weren't using it anymore.

You said you'd finished with it. I just didn't throw it away. Can I have it? Well, you said you were going to throw it away. Yeah, that's interesting, isn't it? It's like that hard rubbish thing. You know, people, why would you be protective of your rubbish? If you're throwing it away, if it's out there on the street,

why would you care? Yeah, if somebody's going through it. Yeah, well, I just think it's an interesting object. You go around to their house next time and they've arranged them on the mantelpiece or something. Yeah, it's on the mantelpiece. Or they've put it next to their own bed. Oh, I love what you've got there next to the

bed yeah or like or like but there's like you go over the next time and the next time you see see them you're they're having drinks at their house and it's like there's lots of people there and they go oh everybody i'm meant to tell you this the piece on the mantelpiece there, the jizzy tissue, that's actually... That's Robert's. That's Robert's. I picked that up last time I saw him. I was at his house.

And then everybody applauds. They all love it. Oh, how did you do it? Oh, well, I just... I mean, it's my dried ejaculate. Oh, tell us more about that. I got it out of my penis. Really?

Really. But wait, so you say, as in like, you peed on it? Oh, no, no, no, no. No, ejaculate, I mean, while p does get ejaculated from the penis um it's actually sperm yeah right like imagine like finding out people are really impressed by it like something yeah i didn't know i was good at this yeah and then he gets a lot of confidence and then he's like maybe i should put on an exhibition. They're all interested, but in an asexual way.

And, I mean, where does this go? What are we talking about here? Well, I mean, he could climb his way to the top of the art world. Ah, the fart gallery. Or at least to the top of the art world. Ah, the fart gallery. Or at least to the top of the fart gallery. Or he could put on an exhibition and people just find it really gross. And he goes, oh, right. Well, there you go.

I'm working with jizz on tissue. Yeah, this is another one that's jizz on tissue. And every single one, they love it more than the last. Yeah. And then the Guggenheim call. Guggenheim also sounds like it's quite a jizzy name. Yeah. Andy, would you be happy if I went through the sketch ideas? Alastair, I'm not looking forward to hearing this last one,

but yeah, please do take me through them. All right, we've got turning off light with the fly guy in your room and then turn on one outside. Get him out. Get Jeff Goldblum out of your house. Time travelling to do the best topical jokes at the best time. Then we've got Blade Rink. Then we've got Working From Home, Wanking From Work.

Got a lot of wanking stuff. Yeah. A lot of wanking stuff today. Then we've got sharp spray. Spray something sharp. And then we've got arts outsider fart exhibition. And then we have jizzy tissue displayed at someone's house. Oh!

house this is what happens when we have been trying to exclusively write satirical sketches about the last six prime ministers of australia we've had to write eight of those in the last day and a half yeah this is what we're and then we're like oh I just want to do something about jizzing yes indeed yes indeed thank you very much everybody for any listening that you may have done today or if you're just tuning in now

thank you for listening from this bit on. Yeah. All right. Let's do the... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. I'm not plugging this.. I'm not plugging this. I'm it's great. It's really cool that we're not plugging anything this episode. Isn't that good? Isn't it? Do you have anything to plug? I'm going to be on a podcast next week. Try and guess which one. Who knew it was Matt Stewart?

No, it's not that one. But that guy is involved in the podcast. Do go on. I would never say. I think it comes out next week. That's really exciting. Did you have a fun time recording it? I had a really good time.

There are a bunch of great people. I'm not sure if it's as good as the other show I've done, but I had a good time. I reckon it'll be funny. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much, everybody. You're the best the best much appreciated we're tired we apologize see you later we love you you can get anything you need with uber eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats.

But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.