Two In The Think Tank - 355 - "ONCOLOGIST SALAMANDER"

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Check out Alasdair's report on the official orifice of the podcast here on Do Go OnMarie Kondo of Crispers, Pickled Cake, Old Grapes, Sahara Deserect, Daddy BaggerYou can still stream SOS PODFEST at sospresents.comGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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I couldn't keep it up Alistair You kept it up, Andy. You kept it for long enough. I was losing it. You did lose it, but everything is temporary. What? It was Siri on my watch saying, I don't understand. I was losing it.

It's a good start already, Alistair. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George-William, Trombley Virtual. Hello. My goodness. What are you doing here?

I'll tell you what. For whatever bad religion has done in the world, they gave us the phrase, and also with you. And also with you. Which I love. Yeah. They gave us the phrase, and also with you. And also with you. Which I love. Yeah, you love that. And I also want to be able to say, bless you, my child. Yeah, I do want to say that to people. And I do sometimes.

Yeah. These days I'm stuck in saying to people, you've been killing it out there on the scene. That's pretty good. You say it to kids? You say that to any kids? Yeah, I think I'm going to start saying it to more kids though. Yeah.

We need more of that sort of cross-cultural. Adult kid. Yeah, but also just like the jargon, the lingo, the sort of the terms, you know, like I'm watching The Bear, that show The Bear, and they're saying stuff like you know, like I'm watching The Bear, that show The Bear, and they're saying stuff like herd chef. I'm like, I love that. Herd?

Herd chef. That's their way of acknowledging that they've heard something. They're not addressing somebody who cooks an entire family of elephants. Oh, right, right. Herd chef. Right, right, right. It was possible. I just thought it could have been a person who takes words that come in through their ears and then makes meals out of them. Maybe three words from a customer.

Three ingredients from a customer. That would be fun, wouldn't it sounds like ready steady cook you you know last it is ready steady cook but but you know what it is what it's it's you you you you before you go out right you're like you look at your fridge and you're like okay we've got half a wilted celery yeah okay i've. I've got a sweet potato. Most of it is bad, but I think that there's some in the core that could still have some life in it.

You know, you're like all of this stuff, this is, you know, this is the last day before we do the big shop. Yeah. All of this stuff is either going to go in the bin. Yeah.

Right. Or where's it, where's it going to go? Where's the other place? You only said two things. I think this is the, then you take it along. You take it along to a can of lima beans, which I don't believe exists.

But anyway, and then you take it all along to a restaurant. You know what this restaurant is called? What? It's called The Last Chance Saloon, okay? You take along your sopping wet crisper drawer, dripping as you drag it along the street. Yeah, yeah. Brown liquid coming out. Brown liquid oozing out the seams.

Like the worst Hansel and Gretel set of crumbs. And you drop that off. You give that to the maitre d'. He says, very good, sir. The customer's always right. You can can tell you can tell he believes that but he takes it into the into the back room and and the chef will turn it into the most remarkable meal yeah and you don't have to pay for any of the materials so that knocks a little bit off the cost any of the materials that you brought or even like the stuff that he has to add to make it like passable?

Well, I mean, this is also the thing. It's very possible that as soon as it gets into that back room, he chucks it all straight in the bin. Sure. But what we are able to tell ourselves and what we're paying for really is not to feel like we're wasting food. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. And so this is called the Last Chance Saloon. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. And so this is called the Last Chance Saloon?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. All right. And does he also kill the people after they eat the meal? Yeah, that's absolutely right. So do you think there's a sketch in this? Yeah, I think it's exactly what I just described. Okay.

And then the sketch kind of is, you know. So maybe you see the ad. Well, maybe it's a consultant. Maybe he's a consultant who comes out to your house and, you know, you've got all this stuff that you can't bring yourself to get rid of. Yeah. But, you know, you're getting looks from other members of the household. Sort of like a merry condo, but for your crisper drawer.

That's, and I can't think of anything more perfect. But instead of throwing stuff away that you don't need to eat, this Marie Kondo shows you how you can still eat it. Yeah, it's just like, I mean, it suggests things that you could turn it into this. These celery, floppy celery sticks, you could just like, you could turn it into soup well yeah absolutely if you blend it up or whatever yeah make a jus you know what you know

this celery this celery seems very floppy for celery yeah but it seems incredibly rigid for as a liquid for a liquid yeah that's true blend that up yeah you Yeah, it's just in the wrong state It wants to be a liquid It wants to be a liquid You know when that happens? You just need to give it a nudge Take it there Give it what it wants

Set it free All the liquid in this celery It's yearning It's yearning to become a liquid And it will That brown liquid at the bottom That's what I find is so amazing The way the vegetables can actually just become a liquid.

They're like the Alex Mack of vegetables. Of plants. Of themselves. Do you think it's a thing all plants can do? They go very brown. They lose all their structure, all their physical structure to brown. You know? I don't think, do you think brown is the fragile?

All the leaves are brown. They weren't kidding. They weren't kidding. Oh, yeah. They just became the essence of brown. They just became only brown. All the leaves are brown. That's what she's saying.

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. All the leaves are brown. No, no. All the leaves are brown. They are brown. They are brown. Yeah. So they're just the color are brown. No, no. All the leaves are brown. They are brown. They are brown. Yeah.

So they're just the color. Yeah. They're not. They haven't turned brown. No, no, no. They are. She didn't say that. If she wanted that to be the lyric, that's what she would have said.

That's right. All the leaves have turned brown. She could have said that. It would have sounded beautiful. All the leaves have turned brown and the sky has turned grey. See, the sky, but she's also, the sky is grey. Yeah. Oh, that's crazy.

I mean, but that's actually more, that's actually definitely correct because there's nothing up there. There isn't. The sky isn't real. Yeah. It's a projection, isn't it? It's not even a projection. Yeah. What do you mean? The sky. Yeah. Well, it's a projection isn't it it's not even a projection yeah what do you mean the sky yeah well it's not real no like like the sky is blue it's not it's not blue no it's not blue why is

the sky blue it isn't it looks it's gray no it looks blue it looks blue. It looks blue. Yeah. But really, there is no sky. Yeah. All there is is blue. The blue is blue, and the sky doesn't exist. Because that's just space. Yeah. But it's space with stuff in it. I'm a sky skeptic now.

I'm a skyptic. Because, I mean, the sky just keeps going. Because once you get beyond the atmosphere, that's still sky, isn't it? It is still sky. The night sky. That's right. What are we talking about here?

Are we talking about all the stars in the night sky? Well, then the sky goes all the way to the stars. Thank you. That's right. We never talk about the day sky. Day sky. Yeah. Why don't we talk about the day sky?

Well, we could just call it the sky, I think. Yeah. It's a lot. You can see the way that it gets preferential treatment. It's like sky and women's sky. You know what I mean? It's like football, women's football. You go, oh, they're getting the short straw there.

Yeah, it could just be, yeah. Night sky. It's being treated as a secondary time of day. I'm a night sky. Would you prefer to look at the night sky than the day sky? Let's see here. I mean, there's more detail. In which one?

The night sky. It's harder to see details at night, though. Yeah, but such as they are, you know, you've got your stars. Yeah. You know, you've got. It's crazy that when there's more light. Your moon has more, has to work harder than the sun. The sun can just do the same thing day in, day out.

But the moon is constantly having to change its look. Yeah, yeah yeah that's true stay relevant who do you think would win in a fight between the night sky and the day sky you know because there's a lot of stars but these are the only good who would win in a fight questions i don't i don't care about any of the other. There's millions of stars, right? But they're all tiny. They're all tiny.

But then there's the sun. There's only one of them, but it's pretty big compared to the stars. Pretty big. It's pretty big. This is the old would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 40 duck-sized horses or whatever like that, you know? But it's one duck-sized duck or 40 duck-sized horses or whatever like that, you know. But it's one duck-sized duck. If you just had to fight their impacts on you,

then I think it would be easier to fight the night sky. I don't know. I mean, long term. Yeah. This could be a short fight. See, long term, I think the night sky is going to win because the sun will die. I think the night sky is just to win because the sun will die. I think the night sky is just waiting it out.

Yeah. Yeah, but it'll still be the night sky even when the stars are gone. It'll be even more so. I don't know. I think once the stars are gone, there's nothing there to perceive it and then there really will be no sky. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Know what I'm talking about yeah man yeah you see all these scientists the more and more scientists are coming out saying there's actually no we can't find any evidence of uh that there's an objective reality and things like that there was another one very recently yeah they used some words that were like so you think we're wasting too much time here no no no no okay okay what's next andy um i mean have we talked about lasagna recently no okay um oh maybe i think i did actually talk about lasagna i talked about my my my plan to peel a zucchini all the way around like you were slicing veneer off a piece of lumber. Maybe that was off pod.

That might have been off pod. We have so many sketch ideas off pod. This is just the ability. We just try and capture some of them. I mean, you know, that's turning all your foods into a sheet form. You could do the same thing if you had the right kind of, you know, peeling apparatus with a nice long wide blade. You might be able to, you know, do the same thing to, I say, a carrot.

I don't know what other – what are some other good woody foods that are basically just a log of something like that? I mean, if you can get it thin enough, you could even do like a capsicum. A capsicum, sure, yeah. A potato. A potato. You peel them off into these sheets, okay, and then you lay them down. I think –

You could make a little mummy. You could make a little vegetarian lasagna mummy. Well, I think a lot of – Like cheese sticks as the bones. And instead of the meat, that's where you'd put tomato paste and stuff like that. Yeah. Would we call it the yummy mummy?

Depends if you have what it tastes like. Yeah, you're right. Depends if you've got the recipe just right. You make it just the way mama used to make. I'm so desperate for a savoury food that you can get from a vending machine. Yeah. You know, something that you can- Like a bag of chips or something like that.

No. No, that's exactly not what I want. I don't want a snack. Okay. I want to be able to get- Savoury meal. Yeah, food that I can feel okay about eating, not what I want. I don't want a snack. Okay. I want to be able to get. Savory meal. Yeah. Food that I can feel okay about eating that tastes good,

but doesn't make me feel awful. Yeah. Okay. Right. And, you know, maybe, maybe the yummy mummy could be that. Yeah. You know, if we can, if we can slice those. Yeah.

Thighs. Those thighs. I thought you were talking about slicing the mummy. And I was trying to picture which bit you would eat if you were just like, if they just had one full mummy in there. And then you could just order a piece of it. If it was just layer upon layer of vegetable peelings, you know, done just right, preserved just right, and I could just eat that.

You want preserved stuff. Well, I don right, preserved just right. And I could just eat that. You want preserved stuff. Well, I don't necessarily want it preserved. A pickled lasagna. It's a non-cooked lasagna. Yeah. Wow, that's really exciting. That's really exciting, Ellis. Because now we're getting somewhere.

Because, you know what I fucking hate? Yeah. You go somewhere and you're somewhere and you spend all that money and you're like, let's go to the banquet. Let's let the chef decide what we eat. And then the chef is always like, oh, I know what they'll like. Fish that hasn't been cooked but we've pickled it in some way. Yeah, all that sort of South American thing where they cook it in lime juice. Exactly right.

They had too much power and the chef went nuts. This is like if you let us just come up with a sketch show based on what we like. Exactly. Yeah, it's this blank check sort of, you know, you go away, I trust you. And it turns out that we can't that we shouldn't have trusted them um but yes but but hey this is a shit because they they're like oh yeah as you say the lime cooks it it doesn't fucking cook it yeah but let's let's do that with our lasagna

well and and think about this you know pickled eggs right you know of that weird milk that's like kind of been like i don't what's that what's that it's not i'm feeling bad no but what's that milk that they have that you know bramwell has kaffir or something like that which is like it's like been it's something's happened to it it's like sour or something's happened to it it's been through something it's been through something you know It's got bacteria growing in it, but people are happy about it. You know what I mean? It's that, right? And then you pickle some flour, right?

That's really what yogurt is, isn't it? Yogurt is like milk that has gone through trauma but has come out the other side stronger. That's right. It's now like an advocate for drug recovery. Or maybe they've written a great novel or something like that. They've got all these great stories because it destroys a lot of things. A lot of milk just goes bad, right?

But for whatever reason, some milk makes it through the other side as yogurt and we're all really grateful for the way that it enriches the culture. Endures, yeah, the culture of the bacteria that's within it. Is that what you were trying to do? Yeah. Pickled cake, you see, so pickled eggs with pickled milk and pickled flour.

Like that. Write it down, Alistair. We can't afford to be talking about this idea. It's too good to tease out any of the enjoyable details. Okay. It's based off of the pickled lasagna, but I think the idea that it's a sweet thing. Oh, yeah.

No, I mean, it's a full pickling restaurant as far as I'm concerned. Every course is pickled. It's pickled. You have a pickled jam that kind of, it's double preserved, you see. Yeah, wow. It's preserved in the vinegar, but then it's also preserved in the sugar. In the sugar. Yeah, you've double preserved it.

And then maybe somewhere you could dry and smoke it as well. Man, I guarantee to you, you go away, you spend some time working on a pickled jam, you will be a billionaire. Yeah. Because it sounds, it's one of those ideas that sounds really bad and then you're like, but hang on. I mean, it's got everything.

As soon as this episode is out, people are going to be like, pickled jam is one of the most famous things ever. You guys are so stupid. You've never had pickle jam? You've never had jam pickles? Like dill pickle jam? Pickled bread. Smoked and dried pickled jam pickles.

And then it turns out it's a vegetarian way of making jerky or steak or something like that. I mean, once you get to that level of preservation, you feel like you put it into your body, you instantly have cancer. You can't. Yeah, but it's everything you want. There is a limit to how delicious things can get before they just become carcinogenic.

It turns out cancer is the most delicious thing. Yeah. I mean, imagine eating a tumor. I reckon they look like they would cook up pretty nice. It's unethical to kill endangered animals, but surely it's ethical to eat their tumors. Because, I mean, that would be good for them, right? Exactly.

Like a bird that goes into their mouth to eat stuff in between their teeth. Yeah. Like that. If you went in there. It's the oncologist salamander. Yeah. The oncologist salamander. it crawls all over their body plucking out alistair i've just and i'm this is terrible podcasting yeah and it shows contempt

for you and for the listeners but i have got a notification on my phone yeah that i have to read why well i just need to know what it is because it's i saw it pop up on my watch that I have to read. Why? Well, I just need to know what it is because I saw it pop up on my watch before and it was tantalising enough for me to feel slightly stressed and, yeah, I just need to know what it is. So you keep talking. Do you want to just pause it because it looks like it would also be interesting for me. No, it's all good.

It was just a joke. Oh, okay, great. It's Ben texting us from the sketch show that we're working on to tell us that we've been turbo fired after a was a joke that Andy had realised that he couldn't get into another show. Yeah, well, that actually got me not even fired, stopped me getting hired on another show. Two years.

Well, now that I'm in, you see, now that I'm a wasp inside the nest, now I can start submitting the jokes. That are just me stinging you? Yeah, that's right. Sorry, I should have let you finish. You probably had a really good place you were going with that. Alistair, you did me a service. How about this, a bouncy old folks home?

It's like a bouncy castle, but it's for old folks. I guess they're unstable, right? So, okay, this is the problem. They're unstable. Yes. So they fall over. Why don't they bounce back up again? That's making that bit worse, the part where they're unstable.

Yes. But it's making the part where they land better. Yeah. So it's a balancing act, which I guess for them, every bit of movement is. Every movement is. I think this is a really exciting idea. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, we- Probably would help with their muscles a bit more, develop them a little bit more. You know, it's like when you take a horse to go train on sand or whatever, gets their ankles or whatever their feet are called. I think their feet are fingers, right? Yeah. So it gets their fingers nice and strong. I think- This would i think old folks people i think uh this is i mean in a way this is the similar to the joke that we had in teleport about how it's not the falling for old people that's the problem

it's the land it's the landing it's the hitting the ground, right? And, you know, in that show, spoilers, we had them falling into an open teleportal in the ground and then have another one in the sky above it. But, you know, you could just make the ground that much softer. I suppose you could also make the – oh, this probably doesn't work. I was going to say cover the floor in grapes. Keep it hard, but cover the floor in grapes. The floor in grapes.

Yeah. As they walk along, they're squishing them. Well, yeah, and they're actually – I was going to say when they fall because they're falling constantly, they're squashing grapes. Yeah. All under the grapes, big sluices, okay, the druce sluice. The grape juice is siphoned away into a big vat and you're making wine. That's right. And finally, they're productive members of society.

What are old people really good at? Having a fall. Having a fall. And then you can reduce their fees for living there and then they can use some of that money. But what they're not going to be able to resist is buying the wine that they helped produce because they're going to be so proud.

So you're getting that money straight back anyway. This is a really good idea. Yeah. And there'll be poker machines. Ah. I don't know. Is this too stupid to write down? I think it's a really – I mean, I think taking the idea

of what are good old people good at falling. Yeah. I'm just going to repeat to you my idea and say, you know what I think is really good about that idea? The bit that I said. Well. But hang on. Should we carry the one?

No, I can't remember what I was going to say. But, you know, that is really exciting. And, you know, maybe it would give people, their children, their offspring a reason to visit more often because when they come along, they get a bottle of wine. Yeah, free wine tasting. Yeah. So they're talking to their elderly relative.'re sitting there and you know the person old

person's sitting on their bed or you know or trying to get up off the bed they keep slipping over and falling onto the ground squishing more grapes meanwhile it used to be such a bad thing you'd be so so like oh she had a fall you'd be like oh no now you're like oh good one yeah great oh fresh pressing yeah good vintage oh that's good olive they could do some olives what kind of grapes are those yeah moscato oh that's nice i like something sweet not too sweet no no and then but meanwhile they've got they've got their nose they like their nose inside a wine glass you know that way that people do like that they go they're spitting in the old folks homes yeah this person's i mean there'd be that little flavor of urine and disinfectant

but i mean those are the kinds of shit that like you read you read the description of flavors on the back of a wine bottle they They don't necessarily all sound good. Sweaty saddle. Yeah, eggs. No, thanks. There's often eggs in wine. They use eggs for some reason in wine. Egg substitute maybe?

They use eggs for egg substitute. It's a one-to-one trade. They use it to substitute other eggs. These are different eggs than what I meant. You can substitute this egg for two eggs. More eggs. Two more eggs. Two more eggs.

Mate, I know it's hard to take. Two more eggs, mate. What do you think is the most of those boiled eggs you could eat in one sitting? Yeah. Great question. What does he do in- 50 eggs. No one can eat 50 eggs.

And he doesn't? He's like- Yeah, he does. He's really unhappy about it, but he does. And it's really inspiring for everybody. I guess in prison, it's a different set of parameters. He was the Malala of his day. I, well, let's see.

I reckon I could definitely eat a dozen. You think in prison he was also likely to take a shot in the head? Yes. Anyway, sorry. I could eat two dozen eggs. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats.

But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. You think so? Yeah.

You genuinely think that? Yes, correct. That's too many. I didn't say it would be great, but I could definitely eat two dozen hard-boiled eggs. Hard-boiled too? I mean, what do you want? I'm not going to eat them like soft and sloppy.

Not so that there's gelatinous white, but at least so that... Oh, sure. You want to dip some soldiers? Well, no, not even... It's just so that there's at least some creaminess in there. It's not dry and awful. You're right, of course.

I should respect myself more. Yeah. I mean, if you could eat 24 hard-boiled... I could. I could. Maybe that's what we'll do on episode 500. It is 500. Oh, sorry. Okay, now. On episode 400, I'll see if I can eat 24 hard-boiled eggs.

Andy, I don't think that would be good for your body or for anybody in the room. I don't think we can have any endurance, disgusting, sulfur-filled food challenges while we're in a... It's a double endurance. 400 sketches, 24 eggs. I think that's compelling. I mean, if it was an egg and an hour. Two men, 400 sketches, 24 hard-boiled eggs. And many guests.

Tell me you wouldn't tune in to that. Yeah, no, that's true. I don't think we're allowed to have guests in this one. Not in this one? No, not in episode 400, unfortunately. All right. Well, I mean... But, I mean, the rate we're coming up with bangers today,

I wouldn't worry. Yeah, the old folks falling on down and squishing the grapes. I dug a jacket up out of the ground the other day. Did you? Andy, was it on a body? No, it was not. Not as far as I could tell. Somebody who was outside was just walking.

Just took their jacket off. Took their jacket off, dropped it on the ground. I'm digging up clothes all over our block, Alistair. You know, and I tell you, I went through the pockets of this jacket. What did you find? A couple of old wrappers and things and that stuff. But it was under the dirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I found some pants. They're under the dirt. I really, really wanted to wash it and wear it around. Do you live on a garbage dump? I think so, yeah. But, I mean, we probably all do in one way or another. I don't know. Alistair's looking less good. Yeah, I don't, yeah. But, I mean, we probably all do in one way or another. I don't know. Alistair is looking less good.

Yeah, I don't believe that. So, wait, so there's a lake down there or a body of water down the bottom that's filled with cyanide. Yeah, correct. And then there's the garbage underneath your house. It's kind of like one of those, it's like an ancient garbage burial ground. Like one of those, it's like an ancient garbage burial ground. Oh, I wonder if it's haunted with hot dogs and sort of old liquid detergent bottles that, you know, have died. Yeah, that is.

Do you ever wake up and you hear the sound of old products? Like whispering their jingles to you while you're... 131116 Pizza Hut Delivery 131 No, I don't think it's 131116. What was it?

131116 Yeah, you're right. 1311 Sorry, everyone. 131116 Sorry, everybody. 131116 six yeah one three one one sorry everyone double six sorry everybody sorry three one sorry one double six pizza hot delivery um yeah is that song i wanted to wear the i wanted to wash this jacket and wear it that i dug up out of the ground and I had to really analyse my motivations. Yeah. And I think.

You wanted to wear a dirt jacket. Because I wanted to wear a dirt jacket. I couldn't rule out that part of it, part of it was like some subtle kind of like just the very beginnings of me starting to have some kind of abusive relationship with my beloved. Yeah, really? I was like, she really wouldn't want me to wear this jacket I dug up on the ground.

But if I did, I would be asserting myself as a man. Wow. Yeah. But, I mean, I guess if you could pull it off and it doesn't look disgusting in some way. See, yeah, that would be great. And then it would be my secret, it would be a little secret, like being out there wearing, you know, women's underwear or something

and feeling that sort of clandestine thrill that I imagine women feel every single day and the knowledge that they're wearing women's underwear if they are. If they are, of course. They could be wearing men's underwear. Mums underwear. Or sort of unisex underwear. Well, I think, yes, I think of men's underwear if they are. If they have, of course. They could be wearing men's underwear. Mums underwear. Or sort of unisex underwear. Well, yes, I think of men's underwear as just being underwear

and then I think of women's underwear as being women's underwear. It's the same prejudice people have with the night sky. Yes, all over again. But anyway. But also you spend a lot of time watching YouTube videos of people finding things in the dirt and then making them nice. Correct. Yes. I wasn't so much focused on making it nice. How, what kind of material is this jacket? Well, that's a great question. I think that the outer

must've been some sort of synthetic nylon polyester or something like that, because that was more or less intact. But I suspect that the lining was a cotton because that was largely falling away. Right, instead of eaten by insects. Indeed, yes. It was returning to the earth. Yeah, right. Yes.

The cold embrace. Is it a nice jacket? It was hard to tell because there was a lot of dirt and some roots growing through it in various different areas. Yeah, right. Have you put it through the water? It looked like a decent sort of cut. It looked like a nice kind of overall.

Your size? I couldn't be 100% sure, but, yeah, I think it was probably about my size, yeah. I'm interested to find out because I think the person that you are going to become now is somewhere underneath the ground in your house. I also, yeah, I also did, part of me was like I feel like I'm somehow the spirit of the man who used to live here is calling to me

and trying to possess me in some way. Like there was a lure taking place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think that that guy tries to pull Swifties on his beloved? Maybe. Yeah. Andy, I think- tries to pull Swifties on his beloved. Maybe. Yeah. Pulling a Swifty sounds like a sexual thing that you would ask someone to engage in.

Only if it's a very small penis, I think. No, well, pulling a Swifty. Yeah, because I guess the masturbating would happen so fast. Do you think that you can masturbate a small penis faster than you can masturbate a large penis you can you can cover more you can cover a full stroke in less time you're absolutely right and that's what they don't say yeah about small penises is how much more efficient they are that's right probably from a you could look at the carbon footprint of a larger penis which people are having to transport around all over the place yeah that's true especially one that's filled with blood yeah it's a gorge do you think well i think that there's a possibility

of course there is do you think that if well if if you have an erect penis, that that's a place that your body stores extra liquid and you're less like, do you think if you're walking through the desert, it's beneficial to get an erection so that- Like a camel's hump. So you think that maybe what you could do is before you step into the desert, drink a lot of water and and make more room yeah by

becoming engorged that's right and then while it's there and then try and maintain your pores correct try and maintain that erection until you get out this is a great one for mythbusters yes but i mean you know the idea that you go oh yes i think that would be a you know because you're still keeping you know know, I don't know. It's about a glass. It's got to be half a cup in, you know, on a good day. Yeah, on a good day. That's right.

And because, you know, they would go, well, we can't redirect this anywhere else right now. This is clearly important for the continuation of our species. This is what the body's telling itself. So we're going to have to keep it there. And so you've got to kind of like edge yourself yeah um throughout this walk it could be a multi-day walk i wonder i guess you could take a viagra as well that's another way you could take a viagra yeah i think there's absolutely something in this alistair it's really exciting

maybe bear grills could um could could introduce us to this idea. I mean, one of the flaws, if there is a flaw in this plan, and I'm not saying that there is, but it sort of relies on you setting out into the desert knowing that you're going to become lost for a long period of time. Having access to water so that you can drink it before you step into the desert, but not having access to water so that you can drink it before you step into the desert but not having access to anything else that you could store the water in other than your own genitals. And, you know, I mean, maybe that's something that happens.

You think? Well, I mean, we could imagine a scenario. Science fiction. Oh. think well i mean we could imagine a scenario science fiction oh i'm i'm still i've been thinking a lot about us taking over making a version of sci-fi try guys which i don't think we can call it sci-fi try guys anymore after the very famous try guys now we would have to be sci-fi um attempting people attempt mitch but maybe, you know, if it was a podcast, you know, we're always talking about making new podcasts. Yeah.

It was called Stupid Sci-Fi. Yeah. And then we just tried to write Dumb Sci-Fi. That was a bit silly. I think that's actually, that's a great name for it. Stupid Sci-Fi? Stupid Sci-Fi. Sci-Fi is stupid.

What about that? Call it Sci-Fi is stupid. I don't want to insult the form. No, but this Sci-Fi is stupid? What about that? Call it sci-fi is stupid? I don't want to insult the form. No, but this sci-fi is stupid. That's what we're really saying. But then we're just trying to be a bit controversial because you've got to do stuff like that to sort of cut through

these days. That's true. You've got to get that outrage. You've got all those people searching saying, God, there better not be a podcast called Sci-Fi is Stupid. They type that into their search box. Oh, there is. God. It better not be compelling to listen to.

Then they download all the episodes. Oh, I'm hooked. It really is. I love it. Every episode, in and out. In and out, in and out. I masturbate along to it. Do you think of yourself as going in and out when you're masturbating?

Yes, yes, yes. Well, you don't know how I masturbate. Sorry about all the dick talk today. Genitalia? I've never said that word. Speaking of genitalia, I have just appeared on the Do Go On podcast and I've completed my trilogy on genitals by uh you know that was keen for peen the our official it was lit for clit and we have just released

they have just released i consider myself the the fourth do do do gooner um we've just released waka for cloaca And it's been nice. People have been liking it, or at least some people have been saying nice things while secretly hiding how much they dislike it. And what more could you ask? I know. I mean, there's nothing kinder a community could do, really. Lie to me.

I mean, aren't we all – we worry about living in the simulation, you know, of the Matrix. But, I mean, we could just be living in the simulation of all the lies that our friends and family tell us about, you know, them liking our work and enjoying spending time with us. Yeah. But it's nice that they're somehow in cahoots with people in the industry and they're giving us a bit of work. Yeah, indeed.

Keeping the opportunities flowing. Now, Andy, should I? I mean, technically we have five sketches here. I'll take that. All good ones. Yes. And all definitely sketch ideas. So I thought I would take us to three words from a listener.

How would you feel about that? Yeah, I feel great. Well, today's words come from listener Alex Lloyd. Alex Lloyd, thank you so much. Alex has continued their tradition of submitting novelty words. their tradition of submitting novelty words. And on this day, they wanted me to go to what3words.com and use the three words which give the unique code for Andy's precise location at the time of recording.

And so if you want to know where Andy is while he's recording this podcast, which today we've managed to both be in stupid old studios. Yes. You got to guess what the three words are. That define my exact location right now. This is a really, this is multifaceted fuckwithery. Okay. So the first word I'm going to guess is...

Lance. Lance? No, I believe. No, I'm starting to wonder whether I've miswritten one. But I think the first word is into. Into. Okay. And I mean, this is going to be completely random.

There's no chance of there being a pattern here at all, I assume. So, into, underside. Brought. That's U-N-D-E-R-S-I-D-E, not U-N-D-E-C-I-D-E. There's underside to decide, like to not decide. Yeah. Does that work? To undecide.

That's a word. Yeah. Well, I had decided. Yeah. And now I have undecided. You can be undecided. Yes. But then presumably like that.

The act of undeciding. And then the third word. Sorry, actually it wasn't. A brought. Into brought. Into brought. There's a chance it was intro, but, actually it wasn't. A brought. Into brought. Into brought. There's a chance it was intro, but I think it's into. Okay, okay, okay.

I don't think there would be intro because that's not technically a word. Lollicorst. No. Okay. Sorry. And the third word is unable. Into brought unable. I mean, wow.

Our location, I never realized how unfunny our location is right now. No, think about it though. Into brought unable. So you've brought something into something can i can i give you a suggestion for what i think this sketch could be yeah um you know how when you go to the supermarket now and now i've just like i just never remember to take bags there was a time there when i was learning i've gotten how to remember to take bags I've undecided to take bags

that's what they don't tell you is that you've got to remember to take the bags but then you've also got to remember to remember to take bags that was the part I was struggling with but what I do is I fill up all my pockets with stuff and then I sort of balance things, right?

And I hold things under my arms and stuff and then I stagger to the car dropping things, plonk as much of it on the roof of the car as I can, drop some more things on the ground, open the car, put the things in, forget some of the things, go and find all the things, put them all back in, right? So I think what they should have because they, you know, and that works great.

That system works great for me. What they should have at the counter instead of bags, you know, pay 15 cents for a bag. They don't have like trolleys at the place where you go to the supermarket or like baskets? Well, I think you leave the basket at the counter. I suppose I could take the basket out with me and then bring the basket back in,

but I don't want to have to make two trips. That sounds really awkward. But the trolleys they let you bring out to the thing. Yeah. Well, IGA, does it have trolleys? I don't know. I've never used a trolley there. Okay, no worries.

But Alistair, my comic premise. Sorry, sorry. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. A drive-through supermarket. They should say 15 cents for a bag or for 10 cents, this dad can carry it out to the car for you.

And that would be great, 10 cents for the dad. That's not too bad. Because, you know, it's reusable, okay? A lot of dads, they don't have a lot to do. And then he'll do all of that stuff for me. Oh, oh. Putting it in his pockets and stuff, balancing it on his head. Well, then he would have specifically designed jacket

just for carrying things in one trip. Yeah, although I feel that's corrupting the idea slightly. Yeah, you're right. I apologise. Making it a bit more sensible than I would probably like. Yeah, well, I guess you could ask a kid. There could be a kid there too for five cents. Yeah.

Okay, and he'll take one thing. But he'll definitely break one thing as well. Yeah, it's five cents, but he will burst open or break whatever it is. I wouldn't give him anything glass. I buy a lot of glass things from the supermarket, Alistair. You don't? I guess there's jars, right? You can't buy things in jars.

You made it sound like it was really silly. Well, it did feel silly because I was just imagining just things that are just purely glass. You know, what about tomato paste? Yep. Salsa? Yep. I never buy salsa.

I don't like salsa. I love salsa. Yeah, I don't like salsa. I'm a big salsa guy. I hate salsa. Yeah, I mix some tomato paste in there. Salsa's bad don't like salsa. I love salsa. Yeah, I don't like salsa. I'm a big salsa guy. I hate salsa. Yeah, I mix some tomato paste in there. Salsa's bad. Really?

No. But you know, I just discovered something about tomato paste the other day. Tell me. You're supposed to fry it off. Yeah, right. This whole thing, you're supposed to fry it in oil and stuff. Yeah. Until it changes color, until it's like brownish.

Really? Yeah. Because maybe it's not cooked in the same way as... Well, it is cooked, but apparently it still tastes kind of raw. Yeah. And so they reckon you should... Man, this is good. This is good.

I need this stuff. Yeah, because you can't just boil it in there with your tomatoes and shit. Fuck. But, you know, it's actually still fine the way you do it no it's my spaghetti sauce uses a whole jar of tomato paste yeah we've talked about your spaghetti sauce and there's a full onion that you don't even slice up is it that one uh no that that no that's a different one but there's that's that one you just put that in like like passata or something like that but that's good it's like but that one has like five teaspoons of butter in it that's what makes it really good the kids love that one um

okay dad to carry shit out in arms dad bag dad bag this could be another one of our run of dad sketches that we've been writing for this sketch show have we been writing dad sketches well we wrote that one about riding your dad as like an Uber service, daddy backer. And then we wrote the one about the dad line where you can call up dads and talk on the line. And then we wrote another one about where dads can call up and just listen to complete silence.

Is it called a bit of shush? Bit of shush. Got to get a bit of shush. That's it. Now you can. So do you think that's good enough? This list of sketches? Would I be here if I didn't think that was good enough?

You're right Alright, here we go You ready? We got Mary Kondo of CRISPR drawers Come in Pick out all the things, tell you what's worth keeping They give you a little hint on what you can turn it into just laugh i'm thinking about it then we got pickled cake oh this is so bad like like it's the sort of thing that like a kid would you know you go around to your

grandma's place and it's your birthday and she offers you some pickled cake. Oh, some pickled cake, yeah. No, but this one, even in there, there's pickled sugar. It would be like a, you know, it feels like that's almost what Christmas pudding is getting pretty close to being. Yeah, Christmas pudding is close. Because then it's like it's hanging in a bag. I mean, imagine that.

It's like there's like no food. Hanging from the roof in a bag? Yeah, that doesn't sound good. No good food. That's a cake? And then we got the oncologist salamander that eats your cancer. And then we got old folks home with grapes on the ground. And they fall and they squish the grapes,

take advantage of what they're good at. I think the oncologist salamander, maybe it eats the cancers of animals in the wild. That's what I think too. But then there's no reason why they wouldn't discover it and then try and bring it into hospitals. That's right. It'd be nice to have a little gecko climbing all over you.

That'd be so nice. I think so. I think because their hands and feet look so lovely. They do look delicate. Especially if you had a green tree frog living on your body, I think that would be very endurable. I can imagine it up there just in the small of my neck there at the back. Yeah, I picture that too.

I think it'd actually be one of the nicest things to have. I'm actually thinking about it right now. I'm actually feeling really good thinking about it. I think I would spend more time in the nude. Yeah. I think if you were trying to convince me to turn a society into the- I'm so able to tap into the feeling. Like I'm embodying the feeling right now and it's making me smile.

Everybody, do yourself a favour and imagine you've got a green tree frog just right there on that bit at the back of your neck where you normally have to get the hot water from the shower to get started in the morning. Yeah. I don't know what that meant, but- You don't have a little spot on the back of your neck where you've got to get the hot water from the i don't know what that meant but no you don't have a little spot on the back of your neck where you've got to get the hot water from the shower turn your brain

on no no but that's cool that's great maybe i just don't know about the button maybe that's why my brain isn't walking through desert with erection to save water in there. And then we have the dad to carry shit out in arms at supermarket. There could be a big fight between the tribe of thirsty people trekking through the desert. There's a guy who's getting the same ration of water as everybody else and yet he's had this big boner the whole time. Yeah.

And he's not – you all know that he's storing a whole lot of viable liquid in there. Yeah. That he, you know, as well as getting the rationing of the water, he should have to use up the liquid in his boner, let his penis go flaccid before he's allowed to get access to another. Another sip. Yeah.

He's hoarding wealth, liquid wealth, liquid assets. You're just asking. You're trying to get him to let you drink from it. No, I'm not. That's not what it is. I'm just saying. The guys have to start sucking each other off to start getting – Quick, I'm getting dehydrated.

I can't believe the way in which you've made my men envious of one another's boner juice in the desert sketch somehow sexual. I'm so sorry, Andy. Honestly, you've got a filthy mind. Yeah. Would you think it would be better if I had to drink your pee and you had to drink my pee or if you had to drink your own pee and I had to drink my own pee?

I think everyone has to drink their own pee. Right? Or you mix all the pee in a big... Because some people have a lot of pee and some people only have a little bit. But also, realistically, that probably would be the best. Yeah, you think so? I think if you mixed all the pee together because then you'd have, like, there's just a chance that there's some nutrients in somebody else's pee.

You just think this because you're a socialist. This is the future the left wants. Ah, everybody's pee. Everybody's pee. Anyway, that's the end of the episode. We're going to go into the song. Boo. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Thank you so much for listening to In Think Tank.

We really appreciate it. You guys do so much. You do so much. Yeah, like listening to this episode. Yeah, and we love it. Thank you for joining our Discord. Thank you for supporting us on Patreon. Thank you for reviewing us. Thank you for living a happy and fulfilling life.

Thank you to all of you. Thank you for DoGoOn for having me on, and Wacka for Cloacka. And we love you. Bye. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Bye. Pretenders, yes, because those are groceries, and we deliver those too, along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age.

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