Two In The Think Tank - 36 - "MAN HUG PAT"

Episode Date: February 14, 2014

 See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

These are some of my functions. I can be lifted up. I can be put back down. You can move me to another room in the house where you live with your grandma. Hi guys, you're listening to Two in the Think Tank. Alistair, how are you doing this fine morning? Well, I'm doing pretty good. I'm pretty much ready to come up with five sketch ideas. Yeah, that's great because that's what we do on this show. We come up with five sketch ideas. Andy, how are you? I'm really good. I'm thinking we're on this show. We come up with five sketch ideas. Andy, how are you? I'm really good.

I'm thinking we're going to do this as a breakfast podcast from now on. This is going to be a breakfast podcast. Yeah? Yeah, this is going to be early morning, up you get. Come on, guys. Wake up with a laugh and a sketch idea. Bacon toast. With two in the think tank. Spreading eggs on there.

Morning edition. Beans. I'm talking bacon. Full English breakfast. Where, you know, black pudding. Oh. Yeah? You thinking about black pudding right now, Andy? I'm almost always thinking about black pudding.

Really? It's actually, like, it could be one of those rest states of my mind. Yeah. To, like, to sort of ponder things that I find quite sort of bizarre and disgusting. And black pudding is one of those things. I wonder if they... Because the interesting thing about black pudding is that it's a liquid that they've turned into a solid.

There you go. To serve it as food. It's a bit of phase change for your breakfast. Now, I don't know if they've tried to do that with any other bodily fluids from animals. You know this is cow mucus? Do you know this is... We call this green pudding.

It's green pudding. This is cow semen. This could be cow tears. Yeah. Black pudding is a great bit of sort of branding. Or like a sort of like you know spin they've really they've done the best they possibly could to not mention the disgusting shit that's in there and then put like put a put a put a word on the end like a buzzword they've also done a great bit of spin on the

flavor of it as well because it doesn't taste like blood really well no yeah it kind of tastes a bit like like a like it's kind of like yeah. It kind of tastes a bit like... It tastes kind of Christmassy, I find. It tastes like Christmas. Yeah. Kind of has some of those nice kind of brown spices. You know, like your... I don't know.

I don't look... This is based off of no knowledge of how it's made and whether there's any spices in there. Maybe that is just the natural flavor of blood. Maybe you just had a lot of blood at Christmas. Maybe blood... Blood is natural flavor of blood. Maybe you just had a lot of blood at Christmas. Maybe blood is the flavor of Christmas. And if you cook it, it just gets Christmassy. It's just reminiscent of Santa Claus and all the reindeers and their blood.

Well, that red and white motif of Christmas, it is a bit like blood on the snow, isn't it? Yeah, or like a pale person who's been cut. Cut and whitey. Yeah, cut and whitey. Cut and whitey for Christmas. Yeah. You don't have time to get a Santa Claus costume together?

Slash dad. Slash dad. Is dad what? Slash him. Merry Christmas. There you go. Decorate your dad. With cuts. With cuts.

With cuts. Yeah. With wounds. Wounds. I don't think blood is reminiscent of Christmas is a good sketch idea. No? No. Oh, well.

But, you know, blood. Look, I don't know if blood fits with any of the holidays. Queen's birthday? Queen's birthday. Day. fits with any of the holidays. Queen's birthday? Queen's birthday. Ion's Act Day. Oh, there you go. Found one. Found one.

It fits. God, it fits. You know, yeah. Jesus, this blood is my what's it. Take this blood, it is my what's it. Take this... What day did you do that on? Take this blood, it is my wine.

Take this flesh, it is my bread. it. Take this blood, it is my wine. Take this flesh, it is my bread. All that stuff. All that good stuff. So was that the day before? Good Friday? I'm not sure how long he spent on the cross. That was when he died on the cross was Good Friday. But I think it must have been a couple of days before when he had the little speech about you will betray me. Anyway, we talked about it in this last episode. We don't need to go over it. No, but I'm just thinking the dinner would have been two or three nights before or the night before because it was at night time,

so you know they didn't just pick him up and hang him up. You're not going to hang somebody up at night time. No. Well, even if you are, when you write it down, you're going to make it into daytime so people picture it in their head. Yeah, they're not picturing all the fumbling and the swearing as you hit yourself on the thumb with a hammer. Absolutely.

Trying to nail cross to the cross. Yeah. Oh, this is so insensitive. That's okay. Plus, Romans didn't have night vision goggles. They didn't. Yeah. The thing I thought of earlier, the vermin on the mount. I don't know what that is. The vermin on the mount

I don't know what that is Well, there's the sermon on the mount And the vermin on the mount And so instead there's just a rat up there It's like Ratatouille, but It's like the Ratatouille 2 The vermin on the mount The vermin on the mount

And then he's actually Everyone thinks he's the Messiah Well, everything Everybody thinks it's Jesus The mouse sire Yeah, the mouse sire That's good Thank you Everybody thinks it's Jesus. The mouse sire? Yeah, the mouse sire. That's good. Thank you. Everybody thinks it's actually Jesus doing all that stuff. Talking.

But it's the mouse that's been whispering in his ear. He's up in his hat! Yeah. That's great. He's got all this wisdom. Yeah. All this mousy wisdom. Well, you know, he's come up from the streets. Yeah. Street wisdom. Yeah, he's given, you know, he's given like, he's given Jesus a lot of that street cred. Yeah. Street wisdom. Yeah, he's giving, you know, he's giving, like, he's giving Jesus

a lot of that street cred. Yeah. You know? That's funny, the idea of Jesus' street wisdom. Yeah, because it makes

much more sense. Because I came from the streets. Because I came from the streets, innit? Because it's more likely that a mouse

would be born in a sort of, in a stable. You know? It is. That's why that we have that story of being, of course. Yeah.

And like riding on a donkey. That's a mouse thing to do or a rat. You know, you could imagine that because a donkey couldn't do anything about it. Okay. This is a sketch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ratatouille 2. Vermin on the mount. He's the mouse sire. It's great. He's got all this. Okay, what other things, parallels can we draw? Not many, I think. Not many.

Does Jesus do anything else with food? Turns water into wine? No, I see. Walking on water? Well, I mean, mice are a lot lighter. Yeah. There's probably a bigger chance of them being able to do that. Are there any mammals that are capable of running across water without breaking the top?

Without breaking the top? There's that lizard that does it? It runs on water? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's flying fish that sort of jump out and sort of glide for a bit. But fish being good with water is less impressive. Yeah, I know. But being out of

water, they're not that great. That's true. And this one willfully throws himself. Willfully? Willfully. Does it with will? I didn't think so. Willful. Yeah. I think they go out there to catch bugs, maybe. Do you think that's why they do it? No, they do it to escape predators. And maybe there's some bugs along the way. You know when you're on a motorbike, you get all these bugs in your teeth?

Yeah, yeah. That's a blessing. That's definitely not what they do. That's a blessing for flying fish. A blessing? Yeah. From Rat Jesus. Vermin on the Mount, guys.

Vermin on the Mount. Coming soon to all sacrilegious cinemas near you. Patton Oswalt's already on board. Yeah? Yeah, he does the voice of Ratatouille.

I'm going to get a dog and I'm going to call it Oswalt and then sometimes I'm going to pat him and I'm going to say hey guys, I'm

Patton Oswalt. Yeah, that's pretty good. It'll be worth it. Everybody will be confused because they'll be like wait, you're not

that stand-up comedian who's been around for the last 25 years. Yeah, but I'll explain it to them. Yeah, and then no, I know, but then they'll get it and they'll be like, wait, you're not that stand-up comedian who's been around for the last 25 years. No, but I'll explain it to them. Yeah, and then, no, I know, but then they'll get it. They'll go, no, wait, my dog is called Oswald. And then you go, yeah.

And you go, and I'm currently patting him. And they'll be like, no, you're stroking him. And I'll be like, well, I was patting him before when I said it. And then someone else will go, I always thought that that was called petting him. Yeah. It's heavy petting. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's a funny... Yeah, but also, is there any heavy patting? Heavy patting. Is that just hitting? Yeah. Is petting more like your hand runs along over the head across the back?

I guess so. All the way to the sort of ass area. Yeah. Like, you know, before you go down off the cliff down near where the... If it's heavy, then it's got so much weight that it goes down off the cliff. And then maybe, like, your nails clip the butthole. Yes. But petting is more of a kind of tapping kind of thing, isn't it?

Yeah, patting is pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time. That kind of business. Up and down. Petting is probably more across. Yeah, patting is way less intimate and... It's way more condescending. Yeah. Like, you know when people give you a hug and they do the pat?

You don't need the pat. The pat is bringing us apart. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. But the pat is a wedge between us. Yeah. It's like, I want to be physically close to you and I'm happy to do this.

Yeah. But at the same time, I'm tearing us apart with the pat. Apart with the pat? Yeah. Do you think, do you think there's a sketch idea in that? Um, okay.

Go on. You're technically, okay, so it's two guys, they hug, right? And then one of the guys gives the guy a pat on the back.

Yeah, good. Right? And then the other guy goes, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Okay? We have just bothered

with this gesture of making this, like bringing our bodies physically close to each other. That's hard for guys. That can be hard for guys. We've gone past the handshake. Yeah. Right. We got into the hug territory. We're in the hug territory. And then the pant, you push me back outside. You're pushing me out. Yeah. We may as well be across, like, you know, on either side of a pane of glass. That's you just going, there you go. There's all the emotion that I'm capable of transferring. It's in a, anyway, I don't know where the sketch is.

Well, what about, like. You're pushing me away. What if we did a thing, right? You're pulling me close and You're pushing me away. What if we did a thing, right? You're pulling me close and you're pushing me away. We graft people. So we do a sketch, we do an act out, right? And then over the act out, there's like a little worm, like they show for the bottom of an election debate, right?

That is grafting the intimacy levels, right? So it grafts the intimacy and they go in to shake hands and that's like, you know, low level intimacy. And then they go in for the hug, high level intimacy, right? Goes up and then one guy pats the other guy on the back and drops way off down to like insulting level. That could be. It's like a little graph sketch. It could be a good graph. A little analysis.

Yeah. Graphical analysis. Do you feel like something could come out of a rant? Come out of a rant? Yeah, come out of a rant like I was attempting to do but with humor. Yeah. Okay, so like we could do it as a rant. Because let's say we were doing it live on stage.

Yeah. Yeah. We wouldn't be able to have graphing capabilities. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah. I was picturing that we would oh yeah well don't worry about that okay we're just looking at it from many angles because

is just being angry at the guy would that make that's not necessarily making it funny but could he just go in for the hug they're in a good place the relationship's in a good place yeah right and they're like you reckon we're ready to hug yeah i reckon we're ready to hug so then they go in for the hug yeah right and they the other

guy pats him on the back you're like what the fuck are you doing man yeah or after after right after the hug the other guy who got pat seems really kind of distant. Yeah. And like, almost like, you know, like a couple that's had sex and it didn't go well. Right. And then the other person's like, what? What's wrong, man? What's wrong? Yeah.

No, that wasn't right. That wasn't right. What was with the Pat? Yeah. Hey, you're pulling me in and you're pushing me away, man. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like a piece of meat. Yeah. I feel like you don't even value me at all as a human yeah i think this is funny yeah there's

some humor in there yeah yeah i feel like it's touching on you know on some real life stuff about the relationship between men yeah great like like yeah the way they feel after yeah after a hug and it's like do you want me to hold you? No, I don't want you to hold me. Like, you know, what do you do after a hug? Because after sex, you might, you know, the other person might want to be held. But after a hug, well, you can't hold the person because that's just a hug again.

That doesn't solve the problem. That's just creating another issue. What do you do after you've held them? So maybe after the hug, you've got to have sex. Yeah, that could be the only solution. Just to wind down. Come on, okay, we can fix this. Look, or...

Yeah. I think that's... But also, yeah, there's definitely some humor in the kind of going like, well, there's nothing that we can... One guy lights up a cigarette. No, that was much better. And then the other guy lights up a cigarette. Yeah.

After they fix it. After they try again. There's no reason why we can't try again. I'm not ready. I don't know. Yeah. Do not touch me yet. You are not getting my consent.

Yeah. Okay, I'm ready. I don't think we should use the word consent. No? No. I think consent takes it into a territory that we're not talking about. We're not talking about the issue of consent.

You're right. I don't think that's even relevant. No, you're right. And that puts everybody into the wrong mind frame. Not the right-wrong mind frame. But the incorrect-wrong mind frame. Not the right wrong mind frame. But the incorrect wrong mind frame. Even though right wrong, the right wrong still means just wrong.

It's the perfect wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, sorry. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, That's a fun idea of not taking a song and changing its lyrics, but taking a song and giving it another song's lyrics. Yeah, just getting them wrong. Jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the wrong. Jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the way. Jingle bells.

Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse sleigh. Yeah. Could we do something with that? Just a bad Christmas carol? I think it could just be like... The carolers? It could be like an album. It's just an ad for an album of a guy who...

Reinterprets Christmas carols? Or I don't know how he can... It's got to be an accident, right? Yeah, I think it's got to be an accident. I think it's got to be an accident, right? Yeah, I think it's got to be an accident. I think it's got to be just like some carolers. They come to your door. Somehow, something's got out of order. Like the guy doing the music.

The guy with the oboe. He's got an oboe. It's one page ahead of the guys doing the vocals. They're doing the best they can. You got distracted because you were thinking about me writing. Was that what happened? Were you watching me writing and you're going, I got to fill? No, I thought I was constructing a valid sense.

But I was thinking about my cup of tea. You know, part of my mind is always thinking about my cup of tea. I do know that about you. Yeah, really? Yeah, I thought I was constructing a valid sense, but I was thinking about my cup of tea. You know, part of my mind is always thinking about my cup of tea. I do know that about you. Yeah, really? Yeah, I know, because you always... Have I told you this? When I look at you, I can always see there's an emptiness in your eyes, because I know that you're elsewhere. I'm with my cup of tea.

You're with your cup of tea. I'm elsewhere. I'm with my cup of tea. You're with your cup of tea. I'm elsewhere. But I think when I'm having a cup of tea, there's a part of my mind that is dedicated to just being aware of whether or not there's any tea left in my cup. And I can have left my cup of tea in another room half an hour ago

and that part of my mind is still going like, Andy, just so you know, still a bit of tea left in that cup. I'll go over there and there'll be a tiny little bit left in the cup. I'll go over there and there'll be like a tiny little bit left in the bottom. You were right, brain. Good stuff. I'm going to drink this now, even though it's cold. Well, we just found out barely half an hour ago that there are more than six senses. Yeah, this is one of them.

This is a sense. This is one of the senses. It's the sense of how much tea is left somewhere in the house. Yeah. In your cup. Speaking of things vaguely like that, I was thinking about the X-Man. The X-Man whose superpower is being really, really easily impressed.

So he'd be at the compound with Professor X and all the other X-Men who have these amazing powers but this guy has a really like, really finely tuned sense of what's awesome. Yeah. And he's hanging around superheroes.

Yeah, I know. So constantly he's just Oh my god! What the fuck, he's just, oh my god! Yeah, he's just like, what the fuck? He's like, ah, that is really good. Ah, did you see that? Ah, just laser beam precision accuracy from the eyes. Whoa, claws from his hands.

You could not write this! You could not write this! I'm going to call my mom and let her know. I saw the most amazing thing, Mom. Oh, really? You had a cup of tea? Oh, Mom. Oh, it's good. That's the best at this time of day. Like, it's just exactly what you would have needed.

But your guy is always impressed by everything to exactly the same level you guy like well there's there's maximum excitement look this guy look i want him to be losing his mind because this stuff is just so good all right what what all right mine's his twin brother. Okay. They're better twins. They're genetically identical, but there's something in the way that they were raised that just changed. I think maybe one of them saw a real darkness. He saw something really dark really early on. Yeah.

So it's like, you know, like maybe both they became superheroes because both their parents were murdered, but only one of them... Both their parents were murdered. ...were actually the act of being murdered. The act of them. Both their parents were murdered. Were actually the act of being murdered. The act of murder. And from this act of murder.

And, but, no, their parents were murdered, like with Batman or whatever. But you know that's not how it works with X-Men. I know, I know, I know. But the reason why they decided to go into crime fighting. Yeah, oh, the crime fight is great. Yeah, the crime fight. That's why they're part of the X-Men.

Yeah. Was because their parents got murdered, but only one of them witnessed it right and so that one and the other one you had to describe it to the other one yeah couldn't quite do it justice and so the other one still has like like a real song in his heart yeah yeah and so he he's still his mind is blown and the other one's mind is blown, but there's a darkness and there's a cap to how much he can feel. He's a bit numb. Yeah. And so he's just like, man, I don't know why he was talking to his mom

on the phone. That might be a thing where he just calls up his mom and tells her about stuff, but he's just talking to an answering machine. He's just calling. Definitely become way more difficult to explain. I know, but now we've got a backstory.

Now there's really something going on. We can spin off. This is like a... Yeah, origins. Comic book. Yeah. Origins. Wolverine origins.

Yeah. Easily impressed guys. These guys, like Wolverine, they actually follow a very similar path to Wolverine in that first they join this kind of Canadian... This Canadian crime- crime fighting group. Is that what happened? I think so.

Wolverine was with the Canadian crime fighters? Yeah, I think so. I think he was like... Were they Mounties? Did they ride horses? No, but I think they were dressed in red and white. Oh. Like, there was just this weird part of...

Look, I may be remembering this wrong, but I don't... The maple leaf... The Maple Leaf... What is the... Avengers. No, there's a League of Justice? Justice League? The Justice Leaf of Canada. The Albertan Justice League. And he's just... I think maybe he was just wandering through the woods.

Yeah. You know, because that seems like something Wolverine would do. It seems like it. Yeah. You know, because he could, you know, like a beaver, he could just cut down trees real easy. Like a beaver. Sexed for the very first time. Sexed?

I don't know. I don't know what the actual lyrics are. Touched. Touched. Yeah. Can you write down easily impressed twins? They're ex-men. They are really easily impressed.

Because, I mean, these powers that people have, they always turn out to be really useful for fighting crime. And I just want there to be some who, like, they're... So, like, he's got such a finely tuned sense of what is awesome. Yeah. And so do we see them in a scenario where they witness somebody get hurt or something like that? Like, you know, or a burglar hurt somebody. So this would be a crime-fighting kind of situation. they witness somebody get hurt or something like that, like by, you know, or a burglar hurt somebody. Yeah.

Yeah. So this would be a crime fighting kind of situation. Yeah. Uh, and then let's say they see like a mugger kill somebody. Yeah. Stab them right in the heart and you go, and they're just like,

it's incredible the way that you can just, you can just avoid your own morals. Like I just, wow. Wow. See him push that knife in there. Yeah. And then,

and then they're, they're real, like,, the real effect of their superpower is that they... They need to be part of a team. They need to be part of the Justice League or whatever. So there's the other superheroes there in the team doing stuff. And then these guys are just being, like, amazed on the sidelines. And they're kind of, like, just alerting people to crimes. Yeah. They're just going, wow. Whoa.

Wow. Did you see that? That guy Yeah. Just going, wow. Whoa. Wow. Did you see that? That guy. Then they go, I hear somebody. Like they just mic them up and they've just got a sort of a, you know, a communication system between them. A closed circuit communication. Closed circuit.

Maybe they use CB. CB. CBF. CBF radio. What is CB? Yeah, they use CBF. Can't be fucked. Can, CBF radio. What is CBF? Yeah, they use CBF. Can't be fucked. Can't be fucked radio.

They just use regular kind of walkie-talkie type stuff, but their walkie-talkies are the only ones that are always on. I like the way you say walkie-talkie. Walkie-talkie. Walkie-talkie. Yeah. Could that be the name of a great Chinese restaurant? Walkie-talkie.

Walkie. Walkmen. Walk right inie. Walkie... Walkmen. Walk right in, sit right down. Yeah. There is Walk This Way. Yeah? No, that's true, there is. How do you know that there's Walk This Way? I've seen it somewhere.

Either a picture or I've seen the actual Walk This Way. Yeah. Because that appeared in a game show that I did with Dave Warnocky the other day. Really? Yeah. So there you go. There you go.

There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go. But I was thinking the other thing that could happen with those guys is that their superpower is that they're really easily impressed. But then what happens is that, let's say they witness a crime, they get so impressed by

the guy that they kind of just smother him with praise and affection. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And things like that. And then he kind of just, either he quits crime because they can't handle the fame. Yeah. These guys are creeping me out with their level of, like, adulation. Yeah.

So he has to become a recluse yeah this criminal yeah and just become really self-sufficient um yeah great really self-sufficient well the guy has to i don't know farming potatoes yeah i imagine that he goes into the woods to get away from them like he has to you know like uh slip out through the night and then just go somewhere where they can't track him down. Yeah. Because they've got access to, you know, technology

back at the mansion. Well, they've got such a finely tuned sense of being easily impressed. They can probably be impressed by a guy in another state doing something awesome. Yeah, that's right. And they can go,

oh, did you feel that? He's doing something great. He's doing something great, yeah. And so the guy has to go and lead a super boring life in order to, like, just the most neutral, unimpressive life just to stay off their radar. Maybe these guys are a part of, like, a league of extraordinary groupies who all of them have different powers

to do with just worshipping the guys in the X-Men, or super villains, or whatever it is, or this criminal guy who stabbed a bloke. Stabbed a bloke. Stabbed a bloke. I see in my mind I was picturing he had stabbed a woman. Really? Yeah. Oh.

What does that say about your mind, Alistair? That it's not sexist. Good spin. Yeah, because I don't cast all the characters in my brain as men. Let me ask you, was your mugger also a white man? Yes. So was mine. So that means that...

You have equal representation of characters in your mind, although they are fulfilling gender stereotypes. That gender stereotype for women of getting stabbed. I knew. As you started that, I was like, he doesn't want to finish that. He doesn't like where he's going with this. Yeah, okay, look. Okay, we've got to come up with more.

Yeah? Do we? I think so. We've always got to come up with more. That's true, Andy. We're going to keep working until we die, I think. Yeah? Do you think we think so. We've always got to come up with more. That's true, Andy. We're going to keep working until we die, I think.

Yeah? Do you think we're going to be some of those people? Do you think we're going to have gravelly old voices when we're doing the podcast?

We're like Bruce Springsteen or Bob Dylan. Our voices are kind of gone. We won't be able to hit those same notes that we could once

hit when we were doing the podcast. And yet we push on into our own distant folk idiom, just rehashing some of the same themes, same ideas, but still paying homage to a vision that remains consistent throughout our work, that vision of five sketch ideas. And there'll be people who are big fans of ours who say,

well, I know that their voices aren't the same, but I feel like they've still got one brilliant sketch idea in them. And they haven't got it yet. Maybe even their best sketch idea yet. Oh, man, it could be. It could be. It could be like that. 70 years old.

The two Ronnies, didn't they? They came up with one in the last few years or whatever. Well, one of them's dead. Well, maybe it was just one of the Ronnies. One Ronnie. One Ronnie and then some other bloke. This is the Blackberry sketch. The Blackberry sketch. Yeah. You know, it's like, there you go.

Still got something left in the tank. Yeah, you know. But that was the Ronnie who didn't do any of the writing anyway. Really? It was Ronnie Corbett, not Ronnie Barker. Yeah, right. So Ronnie Barker was actually the brains. Well, some say Ronnie Barker was the brains. Some say Ronnie Barker was just really good at exploiting

writers and also possibly stealing the ideas of up-and-comers. Yeah. But did he also, did they actually pay? But that's a gift. But did they also pay writers?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I mean, that's not quite exploiting them, but unless they just weren't paying them properly. Well, I think he wasn't giving them a lot of credit.

I think he may have claimed that he had written a lot of stuff. There's debate about this. Yeah, no, that's a bit of a question. I don't want to besmirch him. Anyway, he's dead. That's cool. Hey, Andy, in the a... I don't want to besmirch him. Anyway, he's dead. That's cool.

Hey, Andy, in the... You know, like, because there's, like, those two Ronnies, and then there's, like, Pete and Dud and things like that. You know, and one of them's a more dominant one a lot of the time. Do you think that we have that? I don't think so. No? I really hope not.

Do you think that we're equals, or do you think other people would perceive one of us as being stronger? Probably you're perceived as being stronger. I don't think that was not what I was inclined to be saying. I was thinking it the other way. I was trying to back you into an admission. As if that either of us would ever admit that. But look, I actually think that we both contribute

Yeah I think so I think I contribute a little bit less Well, you can think that if you want Thank you I'm not going to say anything No, but you see, that's why you're the bigger man You definitely contribute more of this discussion

Like, you are much more likely to bring up Who do you think does more or contributes more. You definitely make that contribution more significantly. See? And that's the kind of thing that Ronnie No-Right would have done. Ronnie Corbin. Wouldn't have done. Who contributes the most insecurity?

Yeah. I mean, I definitely have a lot, I would say maybe more internal insecurity, but you're definitely much more likely to vocalize it. Vocalize your insecurity or mine? Both. Yeah, look, I think so. Look, but that's fine. I think we, yeah, it's fine.

Sorry, listening audience, that you had to hear this. This is the thing that on the Nerdist- No, I think it's an interesting thing. Maybe. But on the Nerdist podcast, I was listening to it for a while and then they started to spend a lot of time

talking about their own interpersonal relationships and, you know, what the podcast means and, you know, how good it is for them and how they've got to be grateful for this.

And you should be more grateful for what this has done for our careers and stuff. And I was like, ah, well, I'm not listening to this anymore because I have no interest.

Well, that's great. In what it's done for your career. I don't think we had much more to delve into. Good, good. The only other thing I was going to say about it was because there was a part of the Lano and Woodley final tour, I think, where they said, they would say something like, who do they think, who's everybody's favorite or something like that? And they would ask that. And I can't remember how they framed it, whether it's the favorite or who's the better one or something like that and they would ask that and and i can't remember how

they framed it whether it's the favorite or who's the the better one or something like that and woodley would get a much bigger wow thing and then they're like when we first thought about this we didn't actually know which way it was gonna go wow like they didn't know how it was perceived and and they went in and Colin Lane's like, nah, bullshit. Almost wish we hadn't asked the question. Yeah. One of us definitely does. Who do you think is going to regret us

asking this question more? Is what we're really asking. Yeah. Who do you think would regret us asking the question of who do you think is liked the most, the most? Is it Woodley? But I think they could have already picked that. Between them, they could have gone, look, Colin, I feel like you are definitely going to dislike being disliked more than I would.

But he played the dislikable character as well. That's right. I mean, so what are you going to do? Like, you play the dickhead. But he may not have realised he played the dislikable character. He was the reasonable one. Don't people love reasonable? Don't you love guys who are reasonable?

Come on. He was... Look at this lunatic. He's squirming all over the place, flailing about. Stop doing that. What do the people of Australia love? They love a reasonable man. Guy who keeps control.

Come on. Very conservative. I could run an economy. Yeah. I appreciate discipline. Come on. You're all fucking idiots. I appreciate discipline. Come on. You're all fucking idiots. All of you.

Like me. I'll tell you what you're doing wrong. This country's stuffed. But then also, you would think that there's probably something wrong with the person who likes the angrier one more. Yeah. Definitely. I'm getting a bit lightheaded of the angrier one more. Yeah. Definitely. I'm getting a bit lightheaded after all that shouting. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you are. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I've been started saying yeah a lot more like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a bit dismissive, isn't it? Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like it. Yeah. You don't like it?

You don't like what you've become? It yeah you don't like it you don't like what you've become it's because i started doing it in um a lot more well you know what this came into my mind um i became aware of people doing that when i was working at the at a supermarket in canberra and there's a guy i worked with who i would say things and all he would ever respond really was yes yes like that right and so so i started kind of doing that in confusing the issue a little more yes yes it's just also just to kind of keep makes it feel like the flow is continuing and there's still like a back and forth yeah confusing the issue is a thing that we record on a different podcast but it was a thing that we came up with in this podcast and

then it's it had a spin-off and uh pretty soon it might be appearing on the web as a filmed video. Thing, yeah. And also, I was thinking before, when you were talking about us, our voices getting more gravelly and things like that as we age. I was like, well, it's going to mean that we're not going to have to change our voices. To go like this. Hello, you're listening to Confusing the Issue. Using the issue.

Using a tissue. You sounded more like Grover just now. Yeah, I did. It's like, oh, this is a bit of a Muppet. Yeah. Today's character, one of the characters, you couldn't imagine any of the Muppets or Sesame Street people as right-wing pundits.

Except maybe Uncle Sam. Was it Sam the Eagle? Sam the bald eagle guy? Oh, yeah, or maybe Oscar the Grouch. He pretty much is a right-wing pundits. Except maybe Uncle Sam. Was it Sam the Eagle? Sam the Bald Eagle guy? Oh yeah, or maybe Oscar the Grouch. He pretty much is a right-wing pundit. I think that guy. I can imagine him. Yeah. And Oscar the Grouch. And Oscar the Grouch. Although Oscar the Grouch is definitely like...

He lives in a garbage bin. I'm not sure he would be accepted by that community. I don't know if Fox News would respect him as the voice of neoliberalism or something like that. Yeah, neoconservatism. I don't even know what that stuff is, but it's great that they get to use the word neo. Neo. Yeah.

Neo. Neolithic. I wonder if there's anything I can put a label on myself as a neo-something or, you know. Neo-humorist. Neo... It's got to be... It's got to be kind of less serious. It's got to also sound like

I don't believe in myself that much. Neo-cynic. Neo-dubious. Neo-self-doubting. I'm a neo-old English speaker. Oh. Ye oldie. Ye oldie.

I wonder if they ever said the oldie like that. I don't know. Well, I guess we don't. Do we have any way of knowing how they would have pronounced old English? I think the Scottish. Just listening to the Scottish speak. They seem to be the only ones who didn't go with the vowel shift. There was a vowel shift at one point.

Yeah? Where we changed the sound of how vowels were pronounced. Movement of the vowels. Yes, we had a vowel movement. A vowel movement. The Scottish haven't had a vowel movement in over 200 years. They must be really backed up. Yeah, in their vowels.

In their vowels. I wish there was something we could do with that. Yeah. We had a really good thing about the Scottish people in our first ever podcast, I think. Oh, yeah. Keep your ears off my arse. Yeah, that's right. Objectifying their...

Yeah, their sounds. Yeah, but they sound like they come from... It's like a much older English. Yeah. And they're in the right place geographically. England. Well, near England. Yeah, near England.

Like, England has kind of evolved a ton with their areas and things. So I guess it's probably Scottish. The word England has got the word gland in it. Yeah. In gland. In gland in it. Yeah. England. England. Anyway. No, that's...

Let's not just breeze over this. This is an important discovery. Yeah, to put... To england something. To england. The englandification. But it just sounds like putting your penis in something. Yeah.

Yeah. To England the world. The England Empire. The England Empire? Nobody says that. The Church of England. English. English doesn't work.

It's like Englanded. Yeah. Anyway. But where does the word England come from? It comes from the Angles. Yeah. Anyway. But where does the word England come from? It comes from the Angles, who were the people who lived there. So the Angles were the people who lived there, I think, before the Vikings started to colonize. Yeah, okay. The Angles, but then also any of the Nords?

Well, the Nords, weren't they, the Nordic people, weren't they Vikings? Oh, no, yeah, the Nords. But then some of them went and lived in the north of France. What about the Normans? Yeah, the Normans. So those were people from, I think those were Viking peoples who went and lived in the north of France and then came back across as William the Conqueror. I don't know.

The Gauls? The Gauls, they also lived in France. But I don't know if they were... Like, they might have interbred with the Normans, but I don't know if they were actually the origin people of the Normans. So these were like tribes. The Gauls were Asterix.

Asterix was a Gaul. Asterix the Gaul. They're probably one of the only ones who have just really kind of... Like, the memory of them has survived through Asterix and Obelix. Yeah. Most of them... Like,... Asterisks. Asterisks and obelisks. Yeah. Most of them, like,

whoever talks about the angles these days. Is that what they call them, the angles? Yeah. Well, now we talk about angles, they live through, you know, science... Triangles. And geometry and stuff, yeah. Yeah.

They add up to 180 degrees. All right, Andy. God damn it, we need to come up with one more thing. We have to come up with one more thing, which is fine. Is it fine? Yeah, yeah, Andy. God damn it, we need to come up with one more thing. We have to come up with one more thing. Which is fine. Is it fine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the thing I was thinking about? Every country

has come up with a type of bread. Every culture. Yeah? I think, I'm not sure. Australia's come up with damper. Yeah. It's a pretty embarrassing type of bread. Have we talked about that on the podcast before? I feel, look, damper comes up in conversation between us all the time. Yeah? We often put a damper on the conversation.

Yes. Very good. Very good. Yeah? No, Andy, I don't even know how to respond to such cleverness. It's almost like I just block. I go, like, I just absorb it it, and by the time I look back, too much time has passed for me to have a natural response.

My brain almost has to reboot. Wow. It knocked you out. Yeah, it's sort of like a website that's been hit with too many ticket buyers. Yeah? DDoS, distributed denial of service, overwhelmed, whatever. Yeah, but with cleverness. With damper. I don't know

if I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I feel like damper is a really embarrassing national food. You know, like we wrap dough around a stick and put it in the fire until it was burned, and then we're like, here you go. If you put some bread,

if you put some jam and butter on this, it doesn't taste as bad. Australia. Yeah. This is our national cuisine. Yeah, I think that's good. We could do a thing that has to do with either embarrassing national foods across the globe or maybe somebody trying to wipe damper from our history or or maybe just like a sort of a cooking show maybe like iron chef australia or something yeah and like

whatever the ingredient is that he's given the secret ingredient he just tries to wrap it around a stick and put it in a fire and then if you you put some jam on it, it doesn't taste so bad. So bad. I also just had the thought, so let's say there's a guy who is, sorry, this is the thought I was having before, but like a guy who is trying to wipe damper from our history.

Yep. Right, because it's embarrassing. Yep. And then that kind of starts a big public movement of people. A bit of a backlash? Yeah, a backlash and then people starting to show sort of damper pride and a real kind of like resurgence in people eating damper

and people just kind of putting themselves through having to eat damper just to make a point. Yeah, and that would be like, there'd be this thing where it's sort of almost like teriyaki or whatever that thing is where the Japanese people cook it at your table. Yeah. Whatever that thing is. Teppanyaki. Teppanyaki, sorry.

And then, but then the thing where, but with damper, so they like make a little fire at your table and they come out and they're like, they cook the damper. You can cook the damper yourself. You wrap it around the stick. You put it in the fire until it burns. You put some jam on it. It doesn't taste so bad. Everybody who's seen

is like, damper fever has taken over the country. Everybody who's eating it is kind of like going, oh, yeah, damper.

Aussie pride. Yeah. It's just this thing that tastes bad and like the fact that you have to endure it is part of the appeal. Why should everything be enjoyable? Yeah. It's part part of our history it's part of who we are yeah great i think that's good like a sort of a gourmet you know there's all these artisan

dampers and it's burned on like you know hickory logs hickory dickory Dock Dickory Dock What is that What's Dickory I don't know I feel like Once they'd said Hickory They were pretty much

Just looking for anything That would rhyme But Dickory Dickory You're right What is Dickory Well it's probably Putting your dick in things

It's probably a bit of Inglandment I'd say It's a bit of Ingland Dickory Dickory is a synonym For Inglandment It's a shame for England englandment, I'd say. It's a bit of england. Dickery is a synonym for englandment. It's a shame for England that that's kind of happened. What, that we discovered that englandment is a word? Yeah.

It's a shame for them. Yeah, it is. Like, it's a national embarrassment. It's a national... It's on the part with damper. No, but could we have a little sketch like that that is also England realising that the name of their country is England and that it's a national embarrassment? It's a news report.

Yeah. And people are just going, I mean, we hadn't seen it. Could we just get clips of... I wish we could just go back to a time when we didn't know that it just sounded like the name of our country sounded like basically performing a dicking. What about... Oh, Dickens! What, the Dickens? Oh.

But could we just... Spotted Dick. Dickens in England. Dick. Dickens in England. In gland. But maybe we could just get clips of British leaders, or English leaders, the Prime Minister and stuff,

saying it is hugely regrettable, and this is a national embarrassment, and that kind of thing. I'm sure we could find clips of them saying that kind of stuff. I think that's quite possible. Well, pretty much that's their standard. That's pretty much all they say. And then just pretend that that's what they're talking about.

British leaders respond to the discovery that the name of England means to england something. Great. Sounds like you're putting your dick in something. And then they realise that their national food,otted dick also has the word dick in it And they'll be like What is this country? What are we doing?

What about Cockburn? I think that's actually might be from Portugal Really? I'm not sure Coburn It feels very English though What is Cockburn? People's last name

Oh yeah There's a McAuliffe sketch about it Yes well It's very English though what is Cockburn? people's last name oh yeah there's a McAuliffe sketch about it yes well I think it's very funny there's a fair few people that have

that have thought about that as a premise because it's like one of those things where it's like but it's such a weird thing where it's like one of the

like where you see it somebody goes no it's pronounced like this you go well this is ridiculous. I am going to be pretending

for the rest of my life to people who are called Coburn that their last name isn't Cockburn. And they've had to face it all the time and now they've got the attitude of like... Just change your name. Yeah. Just change it.

Just stop it, yeah. Just change it. You know, and just like... And just having to go, come on, let's be mature about this. Some of my ancestors were called Cock. Their surname was Cock. Co.

No, Cock. Yeah. And then they changed it to Coke. Really? To Coke? Yeah, like in 1920s or something. My ancestors changed their name. C-O-K-E?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if it was named after the refreshing drink, Enjoy, but I think, yeah, they just had enough. They wanted a refreshing start, so they went with Coke. I think it's just about making life that little bit easier for yourself. Like, you know?

Yeah. It's just like, why? It's like having a why? Like, ugh. It's like having a rock in your shoe. Yeah. Like, just take the rock out. Yeah. It's like having a disgusting, like, big kind of blobby mole on your neck.

Like, okay, yeah, remove it would be to remove a part of who you are, but also, like, it'll just make your life better. Yeah. Yeah. Is part of who you just make your life better. Yeah. Is part of who you are having a shit life? Yeah. Well, you can probably afford to get rid of that. And having a big disgusting mole on your neck means that you're going to have a shit life. Yes.

We are saying that categorically. Look, without exception, your skin flaws disgust us. Disgust us and destroy you for us. And there will be no chance of you getting englanded. Yep. Except pity englanded. Man or woman. Or dog.

Or purple people. There you go. Or potato. I think that's enough. I think people. There you go. Or potato. I think that's enough. I think that's enough. Yeah. Hey, guys. Thanks for listening.

Alistair, take us through the sketches real quick. Okay, we got number one, which is Ratatouille 2, Vermin on the Mount, which is, you know, it's actually Jesus has a little rat or mouse sort of whispering in his ear, telling him what to say. Yep. We got Man Hug say. Yep. We got man hug pat. Yep.

That could be, you know, it's one man kind of feeling dissatisfied by the other man hugging him with a pat on the back. Yep. Taking a song and putting the lyrics from another song to it.

It sounds simple, okay, but it's, we look, there are different contexts where it could go into. Maybe a Christmas Carol album or just a guy who's just a complete idiot. Those are just two of the contexts.

Two of the many contexts you can use that in. The Eurovision wrong contest where people are bad at Eurovision. Fly me to the moon. Man who wished upon the stars. Four is easily impressed twins.

They're also X-Men. I think there's something fun in there. One tries to wipe damper from history, but there's a resurgence. Yep. And to england the national embarrassment. There you go. Guys, thank you again.

Thank you ever so much. bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum lohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohlohl