Two In The Think Tank - 362 - "CUCKOO CLOCK EXTENDED UNIVERSE"

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

SKETCHES TBAWatch Jack's special hereWatch Matt's special hereGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereGet Magma here: https://sospresents.com/programs/magmaHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereAll the thanks that's fit to tank to George for producing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Bunga, dunga, bunga, dunga, bunga, dunga, bunga, dunga, bunga, dunga, bunga, dunga. Hello and welcome to Two in the Big Tech, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas.

Five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Tremblay. Virtual. And Alistair, can I tell you my favorite thing about you? Please. It's just when you sometimes answer the phone and say, this is he. This is he, yeah.

I want you to know that if you died horribly suddenly or even slowly and peacefully. Slowly suddenly. That would be one of the things that I miss about having you in the world. How would you die slowly suddenly i guess is that if you get hit by a very slow moving but very wide bus yeah uh i could be um wait wait say that again a very you get hit by a very slow moving but very wide bus. That's quite possible. Yeah, that's a good one.

Yeah. I was thinking I could be, I could accidentally get locked in and frozen in a cool room. But that also has a tiny bit of magma on the floor that I'm stepping on. of magma on the floor that I'm stepping on. So as my body is frozen and I can't move, it's also being melted and dissolved from the bottom. Yeah, okay. I'd say that that is a sludden death.

That's what we're trying to- A sludden death. All right. Yeah. He died suddenly, very slowly. He died sluddenly. Sluddenly. I don't know. I don't know.

What about this, though? You know, in football, they have sudden death extra time sometimes in soccer. What about this? Slow death extra time. Okay. It's- Okay, wait, wait. Sudden death extra time. Okay, okay wait sudden death okay yeah slow down okay so that's where all the players are forced to lie down and play and so and so they have to play the next round it's basically

foosball rules they can't move but they can lay there oh they can move like as their bodies can move but they cannot move position like where they are they can just sort of flick around yeah and just kick the ball and like they can rotate around they're kind of like you know maybe around the chest axis yeah but they're lying down yeah but they're laying it's not quite foosball yeah no it's it's a more of a it's like it's like a vertical foosball instead of horizontal what about this right for in slow death extra time they slowly move remove one of the things that you're allowed to do as time increases. So to start with, because in football, you can touch it with your feet or with your head,

but not with your hands, right? So in slow death extra time, for the first 20 minutes, you're actually only allowed to use one leg, right? So you've got to hop around for the first 20 minutes of slow death extra time. The next 20 minutes of slow death extra time, you're only allowed to use your head. So you've got to crawl around hitting the ball with your head

butting the ball around. And then after that, they take away your sense of sight. Yes. And so then you've got to like, you've got to get your goalie to go,

like that. But then of course the other goalie is also going to go, and other players are going to do that to distract you and confuse you.

Yeah, exactly. And you're swinging your head around trying to hit the ball but probably smashing your head into other people's heads as you do that and hence the slow death that you will the literal slow death that you will experience yeah i think alistair that slow death extra time is a good idea sketch idea it'll be hard to demonstrate in a way that is punchy because of the very nature of it but um yeah we might be able to do it in a highlights package style. I think you could explain it as part of a special feature of a particular league, soccer league. And they just explain it in a kind of sports center style thing. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it would be in Turkmenistan?

Could be. That's the Turkmenistani league. I don't find people from the middle east to be funny or strange i although i think in switzerland is where they would do this and then they would also allow you to to voluntarily leave the pitch sure and yeah and is there a And is there a cuckoo clock involved? I don't know about that. What is that thing about cuckoo clocks you were saying, Justin? Well, they're Swiss.

They're invented by Switzerland. Really? And I guess if it's a- Is it a Swiss army cuckoo clock? A Swiss army knife is one where a bird comes out every hour. Nah, that's nothing. It's a knife with a bunch of holes in it. I mean, a cuckoo, I like the idea that you can have a cuckoo clock

is just one item within the cuckoo extended universe. And actually, you can get a cuckoo version of every appliance. Cuckoo microwave. In a cuckoo microwave, do you think that when your food is done, it is suddenly and violently shoved out through the door on an extending arm? Or is it just that the cuckoo microwave has a bird that comes out at regular intervals? I mean...

What is the cuckoo component? Is it the bird or is the cuckoo? Because you'd think that because the cuckoo is a type of bird. But maybe the cuckoo actually has some different origin. It's unrelated to the fact that it's a bird and cuckoo just means coming out suddenly on a spring. Well, I mean, there is in in french and so there's swiss french um cuckoo is is how you say like well you know like a peekaboo cuckoo oh ah but also it's a cuckoo bird, and that's why it's called that. Well, I guess we'll never know. No, no.

This is probably one of those things that's lost in the mists of time. You know, etymology is not an exact science. It's spelt cuckoo, and it's spelt cuckoo. Yeah. Yeah, see? It's a mystery. There's so much going on, it's impossible to get to the bottom of. A cuckoo toilet.

Is it once you start filling it up that it starts to respond? This is for people who have no sense of touch in their butt. Yeah, yeah, okay. Which is essential to toilet, to be able to use a toilet effectively, is a good sense of butt touch. So that you can have a good idea of when you're done, you know. You go, ah, I must have dropped some.

But does something come out suddenly as well? Or does it just make the noise? Yeah, something come out suddenly as well or does it just make the noise yeah something comes out like it might come out between your legs right yeah okay great yeah i mean it'd be great if it was like if it was a mixture if the swiss uh collaborated with the japanese and you know because the japanese have those great toilets where it's you know cleans your butt a fair bit yeah and so if they could get the bird to do that you know if the bird could come in peak have a little peekaboo in there you know maybe it has maybe it vomits water out through its mouth. Maybe it uses its feathers to dry. Because that's the problem is that when you use the wet stuff, it helps clean. But then your butt's wet.

What about the drying? So then you got to use toilet paper. But if you had a feathered friend who was in there and was, you know. Yeah, yeah. Feathering your butt. You're absolutely right, Alistair. It seems crazy that there's actually, you'd never meet anybody who's like a, you know, like you get disposable nappy people. And then you get people who love reusable nappies.

But you never get people who love reusable nappies but you never get people who are like reusable toilet paper well you never meet anybody who says that out loud it's not it's but you know i'm sure people are doing it there's a lot of real sickos out there yeah well you think they just got a toilet rag well that's that's what they used to, I believe. I believe. Now, I could be wrong. This could be a bit of false etymology. Yeah.

But the phrase tow rag, do you know this phrase, tow rag? A little bit. Refers as an insult, but that refers back to on ships when they would have a bit of cloth on a rope, right, that would tow behind the ship in the water. And when you wanted to wipe your ass, you would just pull it in, right, wipe your ass with the rag on the rope and then throw it back into the water. That's a good idea. Yeah. I mean, I've heard this but who knows but I mean

it's everybody on the ship basically using this one communal socialized it's a socialist utopia really I mean look I'm not saying it's the perfect solution but the fact that it just travels through the water that's kind of a form of cleaning

you know well indeed you know because what is a washing machine if not just a sloshing things around obviously there's a bit of soap in there you know i'm not saying you can't dip it in you know dip it in some soap or you know or vinegar or something i don't know soap and vinegar cuckoo appliances i've written down yeah i thought of an idea just before i went and got a coffee and then it just happened that my beloved was also grabbing a coffee at the same time right before she went and did some work see this is why you're so good for each other your cycles have synced up that's right that's right we sometimes go and get coffee around the same time because we're both taking turns dropping off.

Well, we're not taking turns, but we're each dropping off a child. You know, sort of, I guess, like how you and your partner must each drop off five children at various things. I'm not sure. I guess you would do mini bus loads, I suppose. Yeah, that's right. We actually do it by kilo. Oh, by the kilo. Okay, that's a better system. That's right, because you would have a horse, I suppose, that could only take so much. That's right.

Or a pony or whatever a donkey is that you have on the hill that you live. A pony or whatever a donkey is, that's right. A beautiful sentence you've made me realize that i really want a cuckoo clock but anyway uh while i was sitting there with indiana as i sometimes do while she's doing other things i sometimes slide my hand into her hand and then i slide my other hand under her elbow. And then while she's trying to do something, I am giving her a business shake like that. I just start shaking her hand like we've just done a business deal.

And it made me think of a sketch, and this is an off-pod idea, but a sketch where it's a guy who's on like a Judge Judy or like a sort of a televised court case, or it could just be a real court case but he's in trouble because while his wife is sleeping he's been doing business deals with her and he's been getting her involved in all sorts of business deals and it would help if sometimes she she mumbles stuff in her in her sleep yeah okay so and he and and he's made it he's made it official because they've they've shaken on it they have a handshake deal yeah maybe sometimes for for big deals or if he's buying an old tractor off her or something he spits on his hand first that's right yeah yeah you know yeah and she drools and so he just wipes her hand

on her thing and so then then it's like the strongest bond there is a spit yeah yeah and that is legally binding exactly it's a handshake deal secret you know and um but i guess at some point she realized she's um you she realized she doesn't own any tractors anymore. She looks on the business registry and she's kind of part owner and all these. She's a director of a lot of shell companies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, great.

She also, she has a rare condition where she sleep signs, which means that she signs things, her signature on things, in her sleep. Yeah. And he's taken advantage of that mercilessly as well. That's true, yeah, yeah. She's a sleep signer. So she also sleep affirms that she is of sound mind. That's right, yeah. um sleep affirms that she is of sound mind uh which is right yeah again um you know it's it's a we it's a weird condition it's rare but it does happen and these people are are very often

taken advantage of that way in that way uh i was thinking people people who are deaf or mute, you don't really hear about that many mute people these days. Is that just because it's like, is it usually just a choice to be mute or there are people born without vocal cords? I think there are, I'm sure there are people who are mute to some extent. Yeah. Yeah. But I was just going to say, instead of sleep talkers,

do you think there's a chance they might sleep sign? That's a really interesting question. Auslan community, do they sleep sign? I'll investigate. If you're part of the deaf community and you're listening to this um you let us know right in alistair alistair i'm so sorry but what if they heard what if they heard you saying that all right if you're're part of the mute community and you're listening to this, send us a voice message letting us know, you know, the thing, whatever we were talking about.

Here's a follow-up to an earlier point in the conversation, Alistair. Yeah. And I'm sorry. I know that people have accused the podcast of being horny recently, and I think we did pretty well. We had a few episodes that weren't too horny. Yeah. So I don't want to break our streak, but like obviously and presumably people have definitely made a cuckoo cock, right, which is basically a cuckoo clock where instead of the bird coming out on the hour, it's a large penis's a it's a large penis a dildo type thing that must

exist right like i mean it'd be insane if it if it if it wasn't one yeah um yeah let's see did you mean cuckoo clock i'm afraid not no it's not what i mean oh i mean there's a i've seen one poster but it's just a clock it's such an elaborate you know it's such an elaborate thing for a gag you know especially a mechanical so there's a poster that does have a cock coming out it it's cock a clock and this is by ella cotton tick tock color in a cock so this might be a coloring book is that all the one thing that's all the one thing yeah yeah yeah it says ella cotton's rude and funny coloring books and they have cocks on them in them made out of flowers and things like that lots of details funny but so far i mean i suppose

we would start needing to go to like um club x and things like that to ask around if there's a scene at least like a myth like there must be one at least that people have talked about the um you know like they say i heard i saw once that's heard once that somebody in their house ron jeremy has a cuckoo cock now this is but but look listen but look listen listen look look we know that every new technology is used for sexual and pornographic purposes. Yeah. Right? So, surely, after the first clock, you know, wall clock was perfected, surely the cuckoo cock would have been the first thing they thought to use it for.

Especially with those dangly things underneath. Those would have been great for testicles. Well, see, I mean, this whole thing writes itself. Yeah. And, indeed, manufactures itself in an automated factory in Switzerland. I think something about the sort of the precision and the delicacy of the clockwork mechanism and, you know, someone working away in an ancient clockmaking factory with the dedication to craftsmanship that would have been required to to do this but what they are constructing is the world's first cuckoo cock is uh something sure you know all right the world's first wait first cuckoo cock now thanks very much when we say cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo cock are we saying that

it's no longer a clock and it's only used for sexual purposes or is it that it's still a cock it's still a clock and it's just that there's a dick instead of the bird i well that's what i think but i'm open to um to workshopping this to to completely reimagining it you know i'm not precious about this idea i think a lot of people who'd come up with an idea like this would find it really hard to let go of control um yeah and you are much like zuckerberg with facebook but i realized that some ideas are more important and they have, they've become such a social good that it requires a greater level of openness and democracy to ensure that it's used in the right way. So, I'm not so vain that I'll-

Do you think, now, because if you're relinquishing power that means that i might be able to take that power that from that that power vacuum that you're leaving and then i can make all the decisions because i'm not so i'm not so oh no yeah i see yeah and and i was thinking that actually we could instead of having the cuckoo clock be a physical thing it could be a a sort of a digital realm that we all go and visit and by putting on all the virtual reality goggles and that we all just live in there with the clock rather than have it in the room yeah you could meet there with your friends in front of the clock.

And you could have business meetings and things like that. And one of you could be a gorilla. And one of you could look as boring as you normally do. I think this is really great. And I think what would be really exciting about this is the idea that you create this, and what it is is it's exactly zuckerberg's metaverse the only difference is that there's a cuckoo cock in there

and for some reason yours is the one that takes off and zuckerberg is left sitting there watching his his company dwindle and collapse because of this massive overinvestment he's made in this idea while he and he's completely unable to understand as anyone would be why it is that the cuckoo cock metaverse is the one that's worked out but that's just what happened who knows who who can say why some things catch on and some things don't yeah if that's wait wait so the the one thing that was missing was having a cuckoo clock and then he tried to put a cuckoo clock in his yeah but it's too late you've got the first mover advantage yeah and he looks like he's just jumping on the bandwagon everybody's leaving facebook he gets his he gets his his engineers because he's done this before you know he wants a functionality in facebook he gets his engineers to work on it and they

roll it out they basically steal an idea and roll it out really quickly but it's too late it's too late he can't stop the drain of people flocking to the cock flock to the cock so it actually is a cuckoo a cuckoo cock as well maybe i don't know i don't know just you just want it to be a clock i mean i i think i think i think yeah no i mean i think it makes it even it makes it even stranger if everybody is coming into the metaverse with a cuckoo cock. But then, I don't know, I like the innocence and the inexplicability that there's no real... Because, you know, a cuckoo clock at the time, it would have been one of the most entertaining things that existed, right? I mean, it would have been a form of entertainment, like a TV show that comes on at a regular time. The idea that you could see a clock with a moving bird.

Yeah. Happening in real time. Appointment viewing. It would have been 1885's version of 24. And that bird would have been Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer bird. Very good, Alistair. That wasn't me.

You did that. I see what you were doing there, Alistair. I love your dedication to puns your that wasn't me I know that you love them Andy I have become almost a bigger pun guy than you

over these years like it is from those early days where I didn't... It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls?

Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials.

Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Laugh or indulge

or anything like that. It has become basically the only kind of joke i do i don't know if it was the fact that i had children but i mean yesterday i did a set uh at comedy republic about a food trend that i didn't know about in melbourne about a big sandwiches i don't know if you know this but and so this and i'm taking you to the joke that that was probably one of the the better ones there um but it was a pun and i was and i just i showed uh that people uh in in 2022 melbournians stopped buying sandwiches at sandwich shops

and they started buying them at delis right and so then i showed all the names of these delis there's one that's like you know uh stands and you know roccos or whatever like that nicos that kind of stuff anyway and but deli is short for delicatessen and then people will eat these sandwiches they'll go down into their belly belly which is short for bellicatessen. Now, it's almost nothing. Yeah. And it's probably not even a pun. Yeah. I think it is.

It's definitely a play on words. Yeah. Now, I think I need some more context for this evening. Was this an entire sandwich-based? No, I was the only person doing a sandwich based thing okay because you you'd mentioned something to me in a message saying i've got to work on this sandwich set for comedy republic or something like that it was a wrap up of the year right and so it was a tom ballard thing where they were wrapping up the year and a lot of people were doing like pop culture and politics and you know music and things like that um and and uh rebecca

who runs the place thought it would be good to have somebody do something about a wrap up in food and and she wasn't talking about cling wrap she was talking about uh you know about the trends no and so uh and so as she suggested this this big sandwich trend in in melbourne of bringing over these kind of like uh you know american jewish deli style sandwich delis is there a lot of slaw in these a lot of slaw there's a fair bit of slaw yeah fair bit of things that can slop onto your shirt if you want to slop some muck onto your shirt i've got a bunch of a bunch of delis uh that you could go to um wait i had a thought oh one of the interesting things when i was researching this because i thought it was funny because like it's like one of the things that was you know that was

interesting is that you know it's a it's an idea that originates in sort of immigrants who went – hardworking immigrants who went to America, mostly from Germany, mostly Jewish, who took the idea of like the delicatessens that they had in Germany, but that were just kind of places where you would get meats and stuff sausages and things and then kind of created things like pastrami and things like that in America mostly I think and then turned these into a kind of meeting places especially during the um the uh sort of really quite anti-semitic early 1910s and things like that right anyway so the idea so but the idea that I was trying to joke about there was that it came from hardworking immigrants and now was being done by private school boys who worked equally as hard, recognizing the success of those sandwich shops

and adding two vegan options. But then I was like, but then I looked looked at because then i thought it was interesting that because if you look at the origins of of sandwiches comes from the the fourth earl of sandwich lord sandwich who was sitting at the uh at the gambling table and he didn't want to ever have to leave and so he asked one of the servants to just give him some bread give him some meat in between bread so he didn't want to ever have to leave. And so he asked one of the servants to just give him some bread, give him some meat in between bread so he didn't have to leave the table. So he could just eat it there like that. Yeah.

And so I liked the idea that it was being, it's like, it's being taken back to the bourgeoisie. It's like the peasants stole this idea from, you know, the peasants are always stealing from the rich. Yeah. But then, while I was looking at this Lord Sandwich's Wikipedia thing, I saw that he funded a lot of Captain James Cook's discovery voyages. Is that why he called Hawaii the Sandwich Isles? Yeah.

Wow. I mean, the Sandwich Isles, and ironically, the Sandwich Isles are, wait, something you would have at a deli? Would you have a Sandwich Isle at a deli? Well, I don't think of aisles, but yeah. Yeah. Forget it. In fact, kill me. They have to have aisles, but yeah.

Yeah. Forget it. In fact, kill me. So I was just trying to imply then that anybody who partakes in sandwich has a lot of blood on their hands, as much so as if you partake in cocaine or something like that. Actually, probably even more murder that's been involved because of that. But also Captain Cook was, of course, he was cooked and eaten in the sandwich aisle. So he was himself eaten in a sandwich. That's right.

In the sandwich aisle. Yeah. Well, I mean, surely if they are the sandwich aisles, then each individual island is a sandwich. Yeah. And it could be like when somebody's trying to cut down on carbs and you have one piece of bread on the bottom, but then you use a piece of lettuce at the top of the sandwich. It was like that, but it was the sand of the sandwich.

And that makes sense to have sand in a sandwich. And then Captain Cook and then sort of 100 kilometers of atmosphere above him. That was the top. Something light. If it was something low-carb. Yeah. I mean, if you didn't have teeth,

which I suppose, you know, if you just live on, you know, if you live in a society that doesn't have dentistry, there's a chance that you might lose all your teeth and so i reckon eating sand wouldn't be that bad so eating captain cook off of the sand yes um would wouldn't would actually be okay i mean the you'd have to like chop it up into little bits and just swallow it things like that people but then swallowing all that atmosphere

that will sort of make you very burpy afterwards now people don't talk about the advantages of not having any teeth enough yeah but you know and i think it's a it's an unpleasant process to get there probably but once you get through that the amount of grit that you can eat without it really bothering you yeah it's probably very high and i think you know people without teeth they are entering like probably their golden years um in terms of grit eating it's pretty brilliant because i mean think about it when i went and voted this year uh one of the kids dropped their democracy sausage onto the onto the ground and so i had to brush a bunch of gravel off of it and then i also ended up eating it and there was actually a lot of gravel still in it right now if i had had an elderly relative who who was just champing at the bit

to to just you know gobble that up, swallow that sausage like a duck. Yeah. Right? I mean, think of all the lack of wastage. You know, you wouldn't have to put all those food scraps into the green bin instead. Give them to Gran. Give them to Gran.

Benefits, or I'm writing this down. Benefits of no teeth. It's one of our best sketch ideas. It's nice that your gums just sort of heal over like that, isn't it? How does that work? Yeah. Because are there other parts of your body that heal up in the same way? You couldn't just have a big, yeah, I suppose.

Skin, bone, let's see, flesh. Fuck you, but fuck you. Organs. But you're neglecting. Because, you know, basically, look, what I'm saying is, if I press my fingers together, right, my thumb and my forefinger together, they don't eventually start to heal up, right? They don't join, fuse. I mean, maybe they do. I don't know.

I haven't held them together for that long. Let's see. Holes in ears. Imagine if you made that. But I don't think that's the thing. I don't think holes in ears, big holes, right, do heal up, right? Yeah. And that's what I'm saying with the hole in the gum.

That doesn't feel like it's the same kind of hole as if you just have a cut or something. But maybe it is. But, you know, there's a chance that yeah maybe if the gums were made of ear material maybe it wouldn't i imagine those really big holes they don't they don't heal up i imagine those big stretch stretched ear lobes yeah they shrink back a fair bit but i don't think they do heal up that you you might be able to get them fused back together somehow yeah i'd just tie a medical professional snip it and then tie it into a little bow a nice little bow yeah i really don't like that idea i i did i

i was there when a girl who had a real stretch one, she's like, nah, one of my earlobes snapped. I was like, oh, bummer. Bummer. And then you'd have dangly tendrils. Yeah. Yeah.

Andy, this is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Now we got some ideas. We got some really good ideas here. okay, that's great. So we got three words from got some really good ideas here so okay that's great so we got three words from a listener uh if hey if anybody has three if there's a patreon support and you got three words send some in because i'm i'm i'm starting to feel like i'm running out of the ones that i've you know oh here's one here oh wait we probably i probably i'll do this one next time oh that's a really good name i'm gonna do that I'll do this one next time.

Oh, that's a really good name. I'm going to do that one instead of this one that I wrote down. This is from Dr. Jimbry. Yes, DJ. Jimbry. I'm pretty sure we haven't done this. Do you want to try and guess what the words are? Okay, the first word is follicle.

Oh, Andy, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The first word is erstwhile. I felt like I was in the same territory. I wonder if we've had this already. Oh, really? Erstwhile, meanwhile? No.

The second word is cursed. Oh, no. I don't think we have had these words. Erstwhile, cursed. Erstwhile, cursed. Isle is the last word. Isle. That was a very good guess, Andy.

It was incorrect, but you got the spirit of the last three quarters of the word. It is erstwhile cursed pile. Erstwhile cursed pile. Yeah, right. Interesting. Do you... I don't really know what erstwhile means. Oh, well, it means once upon a time. You know, like my erstwhile lover is my former lover.

You know, my erstwhile best friend. My lover who forms. Yeah. It's a very interesting word. I don't know where it comes from. My former lover is my current lover because she formed all our children. Ah. And also a lot of the lunches and stuff like that before school.

Also, we're not really together anymore. Oh, yeah, because of how I talk about her. Erstwhile. Erstwhile cursed pile. I mean, cursed pile immediately makes me think of laundry. It makes me think of enormous piles of unwashed laundry. It's a formerly cursed pile. So you fix the pile. Like, imagine, I picture a big pile of dirt that used to be cursed, and now it's just dirt.

Yeah, well, it like um it's something that could happen with uh you know how they're always uh worrying about uh contaminated soil right the moment they're digging the west gate tunnel and there's a huge debate about where they're going to dump all the soil because it's been contaminated with chemicals from the industrial zone over there next to the river great place to put an industrial zone by the way where it's going to leach into the water supply yeah but um uh but what if it was it was you know you think about like a magical uh magical realms and and and magical cursing you know uh they could a witch or a wizard's waste products yeah a witch or a wizard who has cursed a cottage or there might be a cursed, you know, like the pet cemetery in Pet Sematary. What if, you know, could they dig up and relocate?

Like surely the curse doesn't go all the way down into the center of the earth, right? It must only penetrate to a certain depth and you would be able to um dig up relocate maybe bury and landfill the cursed component of the cemetery where it will no longer cause anybody any harm yeah yeah that's true i mean what would you do with that cursed pile like let's say let's say you're like okay well we're having to move all this stuff is there a way that we could use this as building materials all this kind of you know like you know marble and dirt and concrete and things like that that we could grind up and use it for like a wall or something like that and that it wouldn't it you know like that could it could

it keep things out whilst we also don't need to be near it and be under the effects of its curse yeah well i think i think this is this is what would happen though some um uh shonky um developer would would claim that they are uh just safely disposing of the cursed um symmetry components but actually they're reprocessing them and then using them to build a children's playground or something oh no we we used it in a hospital or something like that now the hospital is constructed from cursed um pet cemetery components or i told you that i was sourcing all these dog bones for the children's hospital ethically from reliable suppliers. But it turns out they were just the ones from the cursed pet cemetery. Made from former cursed. I mean, I feel like we're close to something.

I don't know that it's been formulated in exactly the right way. I think that there is something funny about – I think that that is something where developers were like, we'll get rid of it. We'll clear it out. Yeah, we'll dispose of it properly. And then they do make dog chew toys and like a kid's playground. And then things happen that people don't realize.

People are like, why is this kid getting a bit toady you know like toad like why is its back all toading up um you know why is why is this why is this dog sort of uh you know starting to walk on two legs and its chest is puffing out and um but then i was thinking what if you go see like let's say there were wizards right and you could go to them and for a fee let's say you're like hey i just need my daughter to be able to play the flute really well and then you pay them like you know 300 bucks or whatever like that and they do like that and then your daughter's really good playing the flute but then they give you all this like sort of bag of ash and then this is like this sort of kind of like the radioactive byproduct

of this magic the magical process yeah and you know you've i can't part of the fee like i it's gonna cost you more if i don't give you this like Like, if I have to dispose of this myself, it's going to be way more costly. Well, this brings me to my version, which I think would fit perfectly in this universe of yours, is that in a magical world that's a lot like our world, but at the moment we have to separate our different types of recycling into different bins so they can be disposed of correctly. In a magical world, there would also be a magical byproducts bin. So, you know, all your broken wands or, you know, when you've finished drinking a vial of love potion, you've got to dispose of – much like a battery or something, you've got to dispose of like much like a battery or something you've got to dispose of it in the correct bin and there'd be all these issues with people not separating their magical waste from their non-magical waste you know magical stuff winds up in the recycling stream for pet plastic bottles or something and then you end up with all you know it can ruin an entire batch yeah i mean i think that that is a good possibility i i was picturing it

where it's like well the guy just goes and digs it up and like digs a hole in his backyard and buries it there something like that right yeah and then one day he's gardening he forgets about it and he's kind of over that area and then he comes back and his one of his legs has become very hairy and he's like why did that happen he goes oh magical waste i forgot about that you know and then one day his dog digs it up and his dog grows a second head or something like that and he's like why did that happen he goes oh magical waste i forgot about that you know and then one day his dog dig digs it up and his dog grows a second head or something like that and he's like fuck this stuff is a real curse he goes and the wizard's like yeah i told you gotta get rid of it like that yeah like you know put try to put it in a well or something like that and oh it's a well yeah that'll do it

you know you go fuck i gotta get rid of this actually get rid of this stuff it's like trying to get rid of a ouija board or something i wonder if in magic there would be some sort of like it feels like there would have to be some laws and there would have to be some sort of law of conservation of x y or z and if you are going to give a daughter the ability to play a flute really well it feels like you would have to extract the ability to play a flute from something else not necessarily somebody who can play the flute but you would like maybe even a lump of soil you know 12 cubic meters of soil might have within it sort of the latent ability to play a flute and by making her able to play the flute you drain this from the soil and that turns that soil into this sort of um there is a a flute playing gradient a

negative flute flute ability gradient that drain that soil then would leach the ability to play a flute out of things that it comes into contact yeah i mean i i apologize for interjecting you may be but i was thinking if this would be particularly bad if you let's say you had a you had a windmill right and you got your daughter to play the flute and then the the ability for the for for the the atmosphere to play the flute so it takes the wind away yeah because the wind the wind kind of could play the flute probably if you just left your flute out you know if you left your flute out and it was pretty windy it'd probably go like that and so then you get back and your daughter's a fucking amazing on the flute but suddenly there's no more wind you can't mill all your grain because there's no more wind and then i get that power yeah where do you think i got the ability to play the flute from

from the fucking wind yeah you gotta use up some wind what it's called a fucking wind instrument what do you what do you think what do you think it came from i didn't fucking bippity-boppity-boo comes out of nowhere it's like there's a consequence for all these things and that's what you paid for you paid for me to do that there you go alistair i think that's an episode that's an episode takes uh flute playing ability ability from wind wind gives it to daughter there you go what a sketch idea

let me take you through the sketch ideas from today we got sluddenly to die suddenly very slowly uh we've got it then we've got instead of a sudden death uh at the soccer end we've got slow death extra time and that's where you slowly but surely lose all your abilities to play soccer and you waste away and the first team to score wins and then we got kaku appliances this is the the kaku uh yeah appliance extended universe um guy secretly business shakes with his wife and is now involved in a court case because of all the uh companies and business deals that he's

made with her and things like that i mean there's something there's something about that idea that makes me a little bit uncomfortable makes me feel like there could be some parallels to other other things that i you know yeah yeah luckily yeah luckily none of this one this one has actually nothing gross in it. Oh, great. Yeah. But there could be some parallels. The world's first cuckoo clock. Now, this was your idea, Andy. Now, this one does worry me a little bit because I feel like it'd have some parallels with some awful things. You know, like the world's first really awful thing that people shouldn't do. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. This is the world's first cuckoo cock. I apologise. You know the movie The Invention of Lying? Yeah. Big touchstone for this podcast. Yeah.

With Ricky Gervais. What about this? The Invention of Awful Things. Oh, no. Yes. The Invention of Murder. The Invention of Embezzling. Oh, the invention of murder.

The invention of embezzling. Oh, the invention of wasting time. The invention of being a real bad vibe. Yeah. Then we've got the Cuckoo Clock Metaverse works, but Facebook one fails. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, great.

Cuckoo, yeah. And then we've got benefits of no teeth. Eat grit and sand. Curse playground. You've got to find your silver linings where you can. I know, but think about it. Just like, you're like, I don't give a fuck anymore. Yeah, it's actually cool to eat rocks.

Feels like we probably should. But then, like, this would be the problem. Wiping your ass, you would be, like, wiping this grit. I know, but... And it would be very painful on the butthole. Do you remember having toddlers? I guess, would you consider one of your kids still a toddler? Yeah, same here. When they're kind of baby-like, Hux would eat so much sand at daycare and come out and just shit sand.

Like, not dry, but it would just be shitty sand. Yeah, that's awful. Yeah. And Hux loved it. Handfuls would just eat handfuls of it. But then that joy stopped when teeth grew. Yeah, that's true. Coming between us and the greatest joy it's possible to experience.

Then we got Cursed Playground and Pet Chews made from former Cursed Cemetery by developer. See, that's good. Then we've got Magic Wizard Waste Product. Trying to get rid of it because it curses you. So this could be either the bin system or the, you know. And then we've got the Wizard takes the plague ability from wind and gives it to daughter. This feels like slow death extra time. Andy, that one.

People would love that as a kid's book. They'd be like, oh, it's got such a message. Yes. Yeah, that's right. It's environmental. You can't do one thing without affecting another. Doing another thing. There's always another thing that happens when you do a thing.

There's always a thing. It's a great message. Well, yes. When things happen, other things happen. Okay. Andy, that's the end. How do you feel? Really good.

Yeah, you feel really good? Yeah, I actually do feel good. Oh, wow. Okay, great. Ready to go for the last song yeah i am here we go i feel like you were mocking me for that one no i did that was perfect that was perfect i That was perfect. I think that was the best one we've ever done.

So thank you very much, everybody, for listening. Just find us all over the place. My tickets are on sale for Alistair Trombley Virtual in brackets, no relation at Comedy Festival. That's such a good name, such a good photo. Alistair, everything. I've got a good feeling about this. Yeah?

Well, I can't wait to find out what the show is um it's uh i yeah i am uh you can follow us on twitter you can follow us on instagram just find us find us if you want to communicate with us we often respond jump on the patreon jump on the Discord Have a real good time Yeah And then Live a good life That's the other thing Anyway And we

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