Two In The Think Tank - 365 - "FLOPPY CARROT COOKING"

Episode Date: January 22, 2023

Comedy Sphere, Olympic Mic, Improv Mafia, Improv Heist, Fast & Furious Sprinters, Floppy Carrot, Obsolete Mimes, Paper Factory Wiper, Average wife, The Average Statistic.Check out the boys on D&D Is For NerdsCheck out Alasdair on Who Knew It With Matt Stewart Check out Andy on Shut Up A Second Al's comedy festival show is here: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall (No Relation)Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Oh, Alistair. Hi, yes, Alistair.

I'm just here to plug Alistair Trombley-Burchel's comedy festival, Alistair Trombley-Burchel No Relation. It's happening at the end of March and through April, and it's going to be at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, Alistair Trombley Virtual No Relation. It's happening at the end of March and through April, and it's going to be at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, and tickets are available now. And if you just put those words, Alistair Trombley Virtual No Relation, into Google, or

if you check in the link notes to see if I've put it there, then you can buy tickets and get a front row seat, which everybody loves in a comedy show. Also, I appeared on Who Knew It with Matt Stewart, the best new game show in town.

So get onto that. Andy, should we do the opening music? Here we go. alistair everybody loves to perform comedy in the round what about this comedy in the sphere it's a new type of seating arrangement where now everybody's in the front row and it's just a ball of audience and you're there, I guess suspended in an electromagnetic field, hovering in the middle like a frog between some magnets. Have you seen that hovering frog? No.

Well, we're going to use the same technology. It's also, I presume, what they get to get that nuclear fusion thing would they do it with sound going they're making a hover with sound uh i i believe the frog was genuinely suspended in um in an electromagnetic magnetic field yeah right is it because of the iron in its blood it's because of the iron in its blood alistair it was was the striated iron frog. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. I'm Andy.

And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchell. How do you feel about comedy in the sphere? How would you like that? I do like comedy in the sphere. It's funny because I was just the other day trying to think of a comedy in the like something different to round and i was like in the square i mean i think comedy like comedy in the round that's two-dimensional i think comedy in the line as well would be good where it's just a single row of audience just stretching back. I thought you were just walking on a beam.

Sure. Oh, no, but you're saying, okay, so it's a single line of audience. Single file. And you walk up and down. I didn't realise it was the shape. I thought it was the shape of the stage i didn't think that you'd be um uh walking up and down the line although that could be good as well i think they just receded to the distance right a nice linear i mean i think that would be a

fascinating nobody's on nobody you know that nobody's sitting to the left or to the right of you. You can't see how other people next to you are reacting. This is how far people are sitting from each other. They're like the people are over the horizon. No, they're not sitting to the side of you. They're sitting in front of and behind each other. Oh, right. It's a line in that direction.

Sorry. I thought you meant like that they're, you know, it's a line. They're sitting next to each other, but they're so far away. It doesn't seem like you can't see them. And he gets in one of those like rocket cars. Yeah. And he does his stand up yelling out the window into a microphone as he as he flies past them maybe maybe it's a sort of out the window of a maglev train

kind of thing yeah when people talk about being able to make every audience laugh you know this is a big thing i've watched Eddie Murphy and Jerry Seinfeld and the comedians in cars getting coffee yesterday, right? And they were talking about, you know, you should be able to make every audience laugh. That should be your goal. Well, what about the audience that is just out the window of the maglev train as you zip past?

That's right. Every audience. Who you zip past? That's right. Every audience. Who's trying that? That's right. Like ones in very difficult frames of reference. If your jokes don't work at 300 kilometers per hour, they're not real jokes. Yeah, they don't work. You're not a're not real jokes yeah they don't they don't work you know you're not

you're not a true comedian yeah um that's uh yep i mean you know it's a good i guess i guess you know that's not really a storytelling kind of um night you know that's really incentivizing setup punch i suppose if the if the if the audience in the really long line had one earphone in and they could hear a lot of it but they only get to see you live when you go by sort of like the olympic flame yeah yeah sure yeah okay you just have this track that you go around all around the world i I think the Olympic flame is a great… But it's a microphone. They should do that next comedy festival.

Yeah. There should be… That's a really good idea. Next Melbourne International Comedy Festival, there should be a mic relay where you're jogging along and handing the mic to the next performer. And I guess they've got to run along and do a set. This is really, I think this is funny stuff.

This is a great ad that we can pitch to the comedy festival. I mean, would you be able to make anybody laugh assuming that you're passing by the audience even at running speed i you know i feel like you could yeah i think i think i mean it helps if you're doing shorter jokes but uh they might just laugh at how much you're struggling to run and talk at the same time i mean you know a laugh's a laugh you got to take what you can get um yeah it's a nice linear audience experience i think if you were on the maglev train version i think that'd be interesting it'd be interesting to play with the doppler effect nobody's doing any comedy that works with the doppler effect that uses the doppler effect i had i was attempting a joke

but it's not really a joke that is um but it is about the doppler effect about how um it feels like when the ambulance is coming towards you um it's a different song to when the ambulance is going leaving you because it's like when it's coming it's like uh no way no i think that's not the one i was going for i was going for this one like that and it's going we have an emergency we have an emergency get out of the way like that but then it goes like that at this point like sorry we didn't make it sorry we didn't get there but we're keeping the siren on yeah well we to get there for legal reasons. Got to go and tag them. What's your best impression of the Doppler effect? No, I've got nothing. I've got i've got absolutely nothing like a pager vibrating

oh i uh yeah no look i'm i'm i'm not that i'm not the impressions guy on this podcast people tune into this podcast for impressions but they come in they come to they they they listen to you for the comedy and then they come to me for the odd sound yes everybody's everybody loves the man of a thousand voices yeah but i mean what about the man of a thousand silences man of a thousand vices man of a thousand farts farts did you say yes i felt like that's that's where you were going in no i wasn't i absolutely wasn't i know i've been doing a bit of fart comedy recently alistair and i know you are silently and then also audibly judging me for it. Silently and deadly judging me. But also deadly judging me. Now, let's see.

I mean, with farting, there can be loud farts and there can be silent farts, right? Yeah. That's famously one of the things about farts yeah uh yes and but then also the the way in which you smell those farts can also be either silent just a just normal breathing in or it could be uh noisy where you go Yeah, that's how my kids when my kids Like that? Yeah. That's good, Tucker. So there are also silent

noises. I fart can stink, but then so can a nose. Say you've got some blue cheese up there or something like that. Oh, yeah, that's true. You're maturing sort of like a soft cheese in a dark place. And where better than in the shade of a nostril, a nasal cavity? It is the cavern of the body.

I mean, if you love to explore caverns, it's the safest one, I think, to go into. What is picking your nose, if not amateur spelunking? No, not amateur uh what would be the word for it domestic recreational recreational uh close spelunking uh regional no that's further up but every region why do people call them the regions when they're all regions everywhere's a region yeah oh well he was regional yeah mean, we're all regional, lady. I mean, show me. I'd love to meet somebody who's not from a region.

Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah, or doesn't occupy a region of any sort. Regional. Like, yeah, I guess a guy who is zero-dimensional. Well, yes, or possibly a gas, you know, that can be found everywhere. But then also it would kind of be like national,

just because all the air is kind of connected, even though in a way it's all separate. I mean, they'd be global. I mean, it's still a region. It's a region of the universe, isn't it? A region of the solar system. Yeah way it's all separate but i mean they'd be global i mean it's still a region it's a region of the universe isn't a region of the solar system yeah it's true yeah it's good stuff we got them there yeah we got that in person i invented i mean sorry to talk about farts again but you know how um farting in an elevator this would be a good experiment yeah right um if you farting in an elevator is famously a bad thing but i wonder if it's better to fart in an elevator this would be a good experiment yeah right um if you're farting in an elevator is famously a bad thing but i wonder if it's better to fart in an elevator that's going up or an elevator that's going down because there would be changes in air pressure yeah

over in fact i wonder if that's one of the things that causes people to fart more in elevators because i wonder the air pressure changes but i think it's also a space that creates the illusion of being a private space. Sure. You're very often in there on your own. You're only in there with one other person. And you think, well, this is basically like being alone. Well, you could be in there by yourself. You're in a little box and you think, well, this is privacy.

But I think you don't consider that people could – the whole point of it is that it's like a pass the parcel. And you also just don't have any sort of vision as to – unless you're in one of those glass elevators, as to how many people may be about to get on or get off. I mean, you know that you've got on by yourself. It's kind of gambling, isn't it? You feel like you could get lucky and you're chasing that rush of getting out before you lose big time. was doing a very important show in front of some very important people but but at the same time some people from like organized crime ended up on stage and these people didn't realize that they weren't other actors in this improv yes and then they also acted as in as as sort of organized crime people.

And then... In the scene. Yeah. And the real organized crime people believed that they were their own kind of organized crime group. And then they suddenly got involved in organized crime. I think this is a really great uh concept for a film i think it'd be especially a great concept for a film in the 90s but i think it's even better you know it could be it could be just as good now and i i can set it in the 90s if you think that's better thank you

yeah and i'm going to release it in the 90s that yeah forget it i'm not going to say the 2090s uh i think you're not going to say that that's not going to say that but so but is your idea that that maybe the so the the organized crime figures they they don't know the person is an improviser i think the person who is an improviser they're going along with this scene with these organized crime people yeah right i mean maybe it is even just that like two two improv people are rehearsing a scene in a room together you know they're practicing improv right and and the mafia people come into the room, the improv people were expecting more improvisers to show up at this workshop, okay? The mafia people have come into the wrong room.

They think they're in the middle of a scene. Maybe they're even doing a mafia scene. Yeah. And the mafia people come in and then they're in this thing and the improv people will realise very soon what's happened, right? But the mafia people don't realise what's happened and maybe by that point they've already revealed something. So there's no chance for the improv people to get out of the scene,

to stop the scene, right? Because now they already know too much and now they're relying on their improv skills to continue this facade. Yeah. That they are. And I think that maybe there's also somebody in the audience. They were like, they were like auditioning for something. And so maybe they were like, I just, we just need to not break.

This is our one opportunity to get onto this late night comedy show. So they just have to go with whatever comes right and so they've got they've got a a a need to please the important people in the audience and they've got a need to um suddenly like yeah keep keep it going with these with these mafia and then suddenly it just gets kind of more serious maybe they like them maybe they maybe they uh maybe they they don't like them. But there's something that then gets them involved in organized crime a little bit. Or they do one job.

Yeah. I think that's a really great concept. Yeah. Well, I'll just write it down. I don't know if I ever brought that up. Yeah. Yes, and? I'm trying brought that up, but... Yeah. Yes, and... I'm trying to think what you could call it.

Long form. And scene. Yeah, it's a little bit... It has a little bit of the danger of... Because then they could also get new members of the troop. This is what you'd call it. You'd call it crime scene. Oh, that's a possibility.

Yeah. Yes, I love it when things are a possibility. Crime. Crime and scene. Crime scene work. Crime scene improvisers. I mean, what about this an improviser who is Scene work. Crime scene improvisers. Crime scene.

I mean, what about this? An improviser who is an improv comedian. Yeah. Or just an improviser who is hired by the, you know, the FBI, the police, because of their incredible improv skills to infiltrate. What about this? It's Fast and the Furious, but instead of being a street racing gang, it's improvisers, right?

And the improvisers, right? Because in Fast and the Furious, they're using their street racing skills to hijack cars and that sort of thing, right? Hijack trucks and steal DVD players, at least in the first film. By the last one, they're flying literal spaceships to rescue the Earth. But in my one, right, it's a crime improv troupe. So this is a separate idea to your one. I'm not trying to change your idea at all.

It's fine. You can change it. This is a crime. They're a crime group, but they're also improvisers. And they use their improv skills to trick their way into banks, into situations, and then steal money. They pretend to be characters and that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? And do heists. This is like that Now You See Me or whatever, but I thought that was magicians doing heists. Or maybe it was magicians trying to stop heists. I can't remember. I think it might have been magicians doing heists. Yeah.

But they're improvisers. Yeah. And, and then, uh, and then much like, um, Paul Walker's character, there's a cop who also does a bit of improv on the side, right. At a, at a, this is a, at a non-crime troupe thing. And then they get recruited to try and infiltrate the crime improvises. I think that's really fun. It's, yeah, it's the same movie as Point Break as well. It is, it is, it is. He goes with them to more and more extreme improv competitions. Yeah, great.

I love it. Improving whilst jumping out of a plane. I mean, that's stupid. No, I mean, we'll save that up for the third or fourth film in the franchise. Of course, yeah. When they're like driving tanks on ice or whatever. The ones are in Fast and the Furious. I haven't seen beyond.

I don't think I've seen Fast and the Furious 2 maybe. I mean, people talk about it being really great. Like people say, you know, about it being unapologetically really good. Yeah. The new films are great. It's like this beloved franchise now. I tried to watch one of the most recent films and it's just – I found it just completely repulsive. Yeah.

Just awful crap. So, anyway, but people like it, and that's really nice. Just let it be what it is. Let it be. Yeah. I mean, it's something that caters to a specific audience. I mean, Andy, you don't really have any kind of care for automobiles, do you? I don't think, but I don't think that's the audience.

I don't think that is the case. I mean, that's partially it. I know people really got into like NOS and things like that. Yeah. And doing up their cars. But now everyone says it's not about NOS. Everyone says it's about family. Right. So it's not about Nos. Everyone says it's about family. Right.

So it's a family movie. Right, right, right. Well, you see, that's because I haven't seen it. I hadn't realized how much it evolved. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a big deal. So now the Nos, they're inhaling it to make themselves more joyful in family situations. To give birth.

So they could have a more family. Is it just nitrous oxide? I think it might be. I didn't know that NOS might also, like, can it make you run really fast as well? Or do you have to burn to do that? I can't, I don't know about that. I do also like the idea of a Fast and the Furious film where they're running instead of driving cars.

It's a bunch of sprinters. Sprinters running alongside trucks. Yeah, so they're racing trucks. Yeah. And maybe it's all over very short distances because you know like runners are kind of good over you know 50 meters or whatever like that absolutely trucks are a little bit slow to start but they are very you know they have gigantic engines so they should still win um yeah well they got you know they have that huge mass they need to accelerate so when

when they're just leaving the the layover or whatever the service station that's when they're vulnerable to these packs of roaming sprinters yes well you know sometimes they might just maybe this is in a future where the Australian Institute of Sport has collapsed. The Olympics no longer exists. And there's all these sprinters. There's no more money. So they're using their skills for crime. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I'm writing it down. Okay, furious. But sprinters. While I write, I often just say, yes, yes. I think I like that. For some reason, I just pictured in my head the thing that came up while I was speaking.

Sometimes I also think about other things while I'm talking, Andy. Oh, okay. Yeah. sometimes I also think about other things while I'm talking Andy oh okay yeah when is this guy going to finish so I can say my thing it's the fast and the furious but for guys who are really fast at chopping carrots that's what you were thinking

yeah and there's no way in which we'll do pink slips for each other's knives. They go street chopping. I think there's something to that. I kind of like the idea of like a, maybe an almost, it's more of a step up, step up, right? Sure, yeah. I mean, competitive carrot eating.

Something that you can't swallow whole. You can't really, because it's not soft and it won't just easily go down your esophagus. But sorry, go into your step up idea, because I like the way that you're going to find art in this. But it's street food right and it's this sort of scene where i guess chefs you know young chefs hot young chefs get together in in alleyways or whatever with a little you know portable barbecue or whatever they have showdowns to

to cook the best meal you know yeah it's, it could be carrots if you want. But it's this scene, this underground scene. And then that line, you got served, that'll be even more apt. Because it'll be a dish of carrots. Because they'll be serving dishes of carrots. Exactly. Yes. A root vegetable.

Oh, yeah. A root vegetable that feels like it's the closest to a fruit of any of the root vegetables. Yeah. I mean, if only, yeah. I mean, it's sweet. It's not as sweet as a fruit, but I think it would be more fruit-like because it's got a good firmness, like a sort of, you know, an unripe pear. It's got a good firmness, like a sort of, you know, an unripe pear. But it doesn't go real soft and kind of really sweet and juicy, sort of like a pear or an apple or something like that.

Hey, that's true. It does go floppy. That's their version. Yeah. And really unpleasant to eat. Yeah. Well, they go bendy like that, don't they, the carrots? Yeah. Nice bendy carrot.y like that, don't they, the carrots? Yeah.

Nice bendy carrot. Bend it like. I'm sure. Old carrot. Bend it like. I'm sure that there are. Bag carrot. That's the new bend it like Beckham film.

All right. Bend it like bag carrot. But I wonder if that bendiness of the carrot. I wonder if that bendiness. that bendiness of the carrot that bendiness of the carrot because if that is a form of cooking in itself you know like when you let a uh meat sort of go a bit uh hang and go a bit gamey or whatever that starts the breaking down of some of the meat molecules or whatever or when you cook something in vinegar which i don't believe is really cooking but apparently people claim that it is you can cook fish in vinegar or whatever, or when you cook something in vinegar, which I don't believe is really cooking, but apparently people claim that it is. You can cook fish in vinegar or whatever.

It seems like raw fish to me. It tastes exactly like raw fish. No, it's been cooked in vinegar. I don't think that's really consensus cooking, but whatever. If you say you're the chef, you cooked it in lime juice, I really think that doesn't feel like cooking to me. It doesn't taste cooked.

But if you say so, whatever. But is a carrot going floppy like that? Is that its own form of cooking? Could we introduce the crisper, the neglected crisper, as a new way of cooking vegetables? You know, two weeks in the crisper. You know where else they would experiment with? Is in the school bag or work bag. You know where else they would experiment with is in the school bag or work bag. You know?

Sure. You go, oh, with a two-week-old bag-aged sandwich. Bag-aged. Yeah. Bag-aged in my baggage. In my baggage? My baggage. Oh, baggage.

My baggage. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Okay, wait, should I write some of that down? Wait, it should be, oh yeah, it's, wait, it's floppy. Floppy carrot cooking? Floppy carrot. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you had your theory that if you cook anything long enough, it'll go soft and bendy like a noodle. Yeah. You know, does that also apply to the crisper? If I left a few steel, little steel rods in my crisper for long enough, when they come out, will they eventually be floppy?

Yeah. Are there any floppy metals? Tin? Maybe. Or lead? Lead is any floppy metals? Tin? Maybe. Or lead? Lead is pretty floppy. Maybe lead is kind of floppy, isn't it? All right.

Well, there you go. It depends on how thin you bend it. You sort of stretch it or whatever. Old backpacks. Aging. What were you looking at just then? I wasn't looking at anything. I was thinking.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. About, you know, a big sheet, a sheet of lead and... Trying to run through it. How... No. Okay. No.

But I was thinking about how, like, if it was really um you know it you can have a really thick bit of lead right yeah this isn't interesting by the way so don't get your hopes up but your foot thick right that seems like a thick piece of lead but then if that piece of lead was really wide if it was a huge sheet you know it's 200 meters long and a foot thick you know it seems a bit thin now it's nothing it's nothing but what about if you did have like a like a you know let's say like a thing that's a sheet of lead that's about maybe like a centimeter thick but you string it up onto the springs of a trampoline, right? Okay. Now, what happens if you bounce on that?

Like, assuming that the trampoline springs could hold that weight, including yours. Yes. Does it – is that soft to land on? Yeah, that's interesting. I feel like you might just go straight through it. Yeah? Yeah, would it bend? Would it like you might just go straight through it. Yeah? Yeah, would it bend?

Would it flex like the – you're saying would it flex like the sort of cloth? It would dent probably. It would dent like a gold metal that you bite into or whatever. It's a great analogy, by the way. Yeah? It's a great analogy. Like another soft metal yeah yeah well how would i describe the way in which this soft metal dents well i suppose like the denting of a of a different colored soft metal

andy it's almost the perfect analogy it analogy by not being perfect the only way i think it could have been more perfect is if you were comparing it to itself it's like so then just plug in this plug uh if you don't know how to do it it's very much like plugging in another plug. Think about that. Okay. If you can't visualize that, try and visualize plugging in a different plug. A third plug. Now, try and make that plug that you're envisaging.

Imagine it was really similar to this plug. Now you're getting close. Okay. Now, okay. Now, here's how you cut this steak. All right. Now, stick your fork into it and hold the steak down. Now, grab your knife and move it back and forth like a knife that you are moving back and forth on a stick.

Yeah. See, this is – what is this? What is this world we're creating? We're creating – The no imagination world. No imagination world. Yeah. The early days of metaphor the i forgot about that idea but um i've been wanting to write this up this bit for years which is imagine the first person to do word play yeah you know okay and then what was he thinking

you know yeah well like because that he would have like i don't know it would have been i don't know i can't remember exactly how i wanted it to go but the idea of like he's just going like and so patrick put peppers over you know i don't know he's just he goes he keeps saying p words and he goes well that's that's weird and then and then they kind of like maybe they they say something he goes yeah when you when you say that it makes me think of like like air like coming out of like a uh like a like a mouth he's like whoa you put images in my head that's like a mom i don't know i can't i don't have it right now yeah but i mean the first guy to try wordplay would have, yeah. So, you know, what is, what's an example of a pun?

I'm now like on the spot trying to think of a single pun and I can't think of any of them. That's a lot of pun. That's a lot of pun. So rather than that's a lot of fun. I guess so. I assume. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And. What about, what about, I wish Donald Trump would come over to my house. Yeah. Yeah. So what, I mean, what would, if you had no understanding of wordplay, if wordplay didn't exist and somebody said that, I mean, I guess you'd just assume they said the wrong word. Would you laugh? When did people start laughing at that sort of thing? Yeah, because I guess it would initially just feel like a mistake and then you laugh.

Because there's this superposition of the thing that you know they were trying to say and because it's close enough and then the actual thing that they said. But then that one also has a joke in it because it kind of, for some reason, I guess, references what somebody would call a you know like i guess it makes it sound like this guy is making fun of the man for his hair situation his hair situation

yes um i'm not uh conscious or uh smart enough right now to um to make anything of this idea. But the first guy to ever use puns, I'm interested in it. Yeah, because I guess – I mean, because language at the time, you know, language would have been a really functional thing and it would have been this amazing tool, right? And it would have enabled so much of progress and, you know, the very idea of communication would have enabled human society, right? You've got this incredible tool that is language.

Wait, wait, wait, but put a lot of mimes out of work. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. They would have been furious. Oh, man, language? The fucking hell. That was it. That was the end for them.

Yeah. They wouldn't shut up about it. You barely see one a year. Okay. Sorry. So that is like when the talkies came into cinema, right? Yeah. I think that's really funny.

Oh, yeah. When they saw people talking. And then what, you know, or like when the tailors, because it was the tailors who were the Luddites, right? They were the people who, when they started to have industrial sewing machines, they went into sewing factories or weaving factories and they smashed up all the machines because they thought they were going to put the tailors out of work.

And the mimes, you know, when they saw people using the spoken word. This language that they didn't even want to learn. They just knew that people were communicating like without having to move their hands, their bodies. Without needing mimes. Yeah. Before that, each posse would just have a mime guiding it, taking it places, explaining through mime

what they were going off to do. I think I'm trying to then do a thing with like in Australia we have mining billionaires and mining is a really big industry. Yes. And I'm wondering what it would be like if it was all miming instead. Working in the MIMEs. Working in the mimes. I'm a mimer. I'm a mimer, yeah.

Man, I'm throwing out so many things that go absolutely nowhere at this point. Where were you heading? I know I – Andy, I think we've got, you know, talking, putting mimes out of work is an idea. When you were going talking about language it's a tool it's this incredible thing oh yeah right well that's yeah that's the idea like you know that it's this this it's this fantastic thing and then to use it for a two word play is to deliberately misuse this incredible tool it is like um somebody has invented a new – taking a book, right, taking a book, this incredible communication thing,

and using it to wipe their ass or something like that. Or paper, I suppose paper, which would be a better comparison. which would be a better comparison. The paper is this communication technology that enables information to flow and then somebody is like, if we made this a little bit softer, I could wipe my ass with it as well. So the person who's invented paper, maybe that's a funnier place for a sketch to be. That is a very funny place. The guy, he worked in almost like a book factory or something like that.

It's like, because they're getting documents out, they're getting pieces of paper out so that they can print the law on it. They're getting pieces of paper out so that they can print the law on it and philosophy. Finally, we can pull people out of poverty by using the printed word to distribute knowledge. Culture and knowledge, yeah. People won't be able to gatekeep knowledge as much because now we'll be able to just pass it from person to person you know it's no longer stuck in the oral tradition and then one of the guys is like yeah but if this was a tiny bit softer i could get my ass a bit cleaner it wouldn't be so itchy all the time i could scrape the i could also use this to scrape the shit off my ass those are the i said those are the two things you could really do with paper those are the two things you can really do with paper.

Those are the two main uses. And now with digital, everything's going paperless, right? Yeah. That one about the knowledge, that's going to fall off, and paper will only be for wiping our arses. That'll be the single thing that it's for. It's a real... That's the only reason we cut down the tree.

Fallen on hard times. Assuming we stop using wood to build things. Yeah. Yeah. We'll also build everything. Well, we'll all be in the metaverse, so everything will be built out of... The only reason we will have to come into the real world

is to wipe our arses. That's the only reason that reality will exist. Because the metaverse will be so appealing. The only time we'll need to contact the physical plane will be for wiping our bumholes. That's right. Because our bumholes will be so filthy

with digital gunk. Yeah. All the digital shit that we've been eating. I mean, you know, digital food and stuff. Well, yeah, I mean, maybe the food is piped into our bodies with a tube, but we still need... And I think that's a great idea. You know, in this future, the only reason that the physical realm exists,

the only reason you would enter this, what once was everything, the entirety of reality, the only reason that is for bum wiping. The physical reality only exists. And they're in a point now where they are now becoming aware that the sun is soon going to explode. And they need to stop that happening so they have a place to go and wipe their butts. Yeah, exactly. And then these people, oh, this is a great idea. These creatures that live in this fully digital metaverse thing they have to i mean it's kind of i guess it's kind of a bit matrixy but they have to come back to this physical realm that we've just neglected right yeah to try and stop the sun from exploding and and all we've

been doing is it's just shitting here for thousands of years yeah they'll be like you know aliens will show and go you haven't done anything with your society because we've just managed to somehow just get chips in our head and that's all that seems to be here that enrolls the toilet paper yeah exactly so we anyway we are we had predicted how much toilet paper we would need for the next eternity. And we made it all so that everybody could enter the metaverse. Yeah. We stockpiled it. We've just basically figured it out so that you could just pipe it into each house. But basically all you got to do is you just got to get the end of the roll through the pipe into your house and then

you just pull on it from there yeah yeah yeah we have centralized like we would have once had centralized water or whatever we don't have that anymore i mean maybe we need that as well, but we... I guess if you made a toilet paper that you could eat and drink. Oh, that's a really good idea. You know, it's like they're wet wipes. Yeah, wet wipes that you can eat as well. It's a really good idea. Man, that's the holy trinity. What would you make it out of?

Would it be a sort of a coconut pasta? It's probably going to be soybeans, I think. Let's be realistic here. Let's be realistic. You know, they seem to be able to do almost anything with soy. It's the carbon of the vegetable world. You know, it's the most versatile bean. I don't know what it is.

In the same way that hemp seems to be the thing that you go to if you're trying to make uncomfortable clothes. Yes. You know, soy. You know, you can make imitation meat with soy it's true I wonder if they would try any other beans think of all the possibilities that kidney beans could do

or berlotti berlotti imagine cannelloni or pinto oh pinto could be nobody's looking at the pinto. Oh, pinto. Could be. Nobody's looking at the pinto. Everybody's working on this soy.

You know, like maybe you could, you know, if you could make fake meat with soy, maybe you could make fake rocks with pinto. Can you? You know, like building materials. There's a bean for everything. There's a bean for everything. Is anyone investigating any of the other beans? Can we get milk out of any of the other beans? Yeah.

Surely. You know, what about red bean? Hmm. You know, you can have that. I mean, that's one that we already know you can make a dessert from. That's already insane. You can make something that closely approximates a dessert with red bean. Yeah, but it's not like another thing.

It's just itself. It's just a bean. That's not... Well, it's been mushed. I don't think it's... It's not doing its transformative thing that soy does. Sure. Sure, sure, sure. Soy is a shapeshifter.

It's the ditto. It's the Michael Winslow of beans. Yes. It's the bean of a thousand shapes. Of a thousand forms. Thousand foods.

Thousand foodstuffs? Maybe. Maybe a fake rock. Maybe a fake rock one day. Butterbean, maybe. Andy, I've technically written down quite a few things. Should we go to three words from a listener? Okay. Now, I don't know if I've mentioned this on this podcast before,

but we have listeners. And some of them can join our Patreon. They can give $3. And then they can submit suggestions from a listener. Well, usually them. And today's listener is Santeri Rikkonen. Yes. I'm sure that's how he likes his name pronounced.

Santeri Rikkonen recently joined the Discord. Yes. It's it's all happening it's been lovely everything is happening in the discord if you join you will make even more things happen and then it makes it more joyous recently the members of the discord uh all together created a an episode of Two in the Think Tank by coming up with five sketch ideas. And then Andy provided three words from an Andy or Alistair. And then they came up with a sketch idea based off of Andy's three words. These are the kind of things. That was in the general section.

So if you're looking to scroll up and find that, get in there. It's in the show notes, the link to the Discord. You know, maybe you don't use Discord. This is your entry point. Then you could be in all the Discords. Maybe you'll start being in the Discords for NFTs, you know. Sometimes people just message me randomly asking me to look at their nfts yeah what's that like oh it's good it's good sorry i mean very good did you ever sell any

of your nfts that you made of the numbers from one to ten i did to one to fifty i think my red numbers uh no i don't think so i mean i haven't checked it was on the solana thing so it Numbers from 1 to 10. I did to 1 to 50, I think, my red numbers. No, I don't think so. I mean, I haven't checked. It was on the Solana thing, so it didn't really use it, which isn't like an energy draining chain, which is nice. Yeah. But as far as I know, I didn't sell any.

So maybe one day. It's a real shame. Yeah, it would have been nice to make a lot of money for a stupid thing. That wasn't worth buying. Do you want to try and guess what the three words from... Oh, sorry. Centauri wrote lispiner. Lispiner. Yeah.

Yeah, sure. The first word is throughput. You know, I like the length that you added to that. I do like the length. Okay. And that is the closest thing to anything resembling being close to this word. No, I'm sorry. The first word is statistician.

Statistician. Okay. Statistician. Nursery? Ugh. Yuck. No, Andy, I'm sorry. It's specificities.

Statistician, specificities. Serendipity is the final word. Serendipity. Gosh, Andy, that's a great guess. That's a great guess. And it is incorrect. The third word is suspension. Statistician. Yeah.

What was the second word specificities specificities suspension suspension yeah wow i mean wait but if this is from a lispener do you think that then that means that the way that san terry wants this read is statistician specificities suspension it could be yeah i mean i was thinking about statisticians uh yeah i think there's lots of jokes about statisticians but like um you can imagine a statistician yeah who has married an underage wife. Okay. She's 14. Okay.

It's awful. I'm not condoning this kind of behavior. Can I say a line that I wrote yesterday? I mean, this gal's even underaged in dog years. Yes, sure. But then he also has another wife and she's 45. And on average. Yeah, he argues in a court of law that statistically speaking, his wife is 29. He is married statistically speaking to on average

29 year olds yes now what's the best thing about 29 year olds there's 20 of them sorry sorry I hate it I hate it too Sorry. Sorry. I hate it.

I hate it too. But it's a funny joke. Well, I mean, you could say that. You know what? You could say that when you were bringing your year nine class. No, not your year nine class. What grade would they be in? Your grade four class when you're getting all the kids back onto the bus, right? You had 20 in your class and then after the day at the zoo, you get them back onto the

bus, there's still 29-year-olds. And you get them on the bus and you say- You know what's good about 29-year-olds? You know what's good about 29-year-olds? They're mature and they know how to have sex. You know what's good about 29-year-olds? You know what's good about 29-year-olds? They're mature and they know how to have sex. Because they've had life experience, you know,

and they're sort of no longer in that phase where they're kind of a bit... Yeah, exactly. A bit overly hopeful and they've kind of a bit, you know, and often they're happy to drink with you a lot. you know, and often they'll, they're happy to drink with you a lot. Statistician,

specificity. What was the last word? Suspension. He was saying that to a bunch of nine-year-olds, to 20 of nine-year-olds. Yeah, he was. Yeah. There's no,

there's no getting out of this one. There's no, the, a statistician. You know, because they find very specific statistics, right? But what about statistics that are very general? I mean, what if we averaged all statistics, right? What is the average statistic? All the statistics in the world, I'd love to know what is the average statistic yeah all the statistics in the world i'd love to know what's the what's the average what's the most common statistic what's the average

the average statistic is about 35 percent i mean it could be could could be. Maybe it's 50%. You don't know. We don't know. I don't know yet. I mean, Andy, I'm just making a guess. I'm making a, I'm doing a ballpark figure on ballpark figures. Sure. We can refine it later on.

Actually, the average ballpark figure is about, is, I would say, about 50% off being correct. I have a ballpark figure. Yeah. Yeah. I'm enormously round. I have a ballpark figure. I'm kind of sort of empty in the middle. I've got sort of a diamond-shaped emptiness inside me.

Yeah. People gather around me and cheer. Gather around my extremities? And both of my sides are foul. Either side of me. That's because of the big hole that was put in me and all the edges going gangrenous.

That's right. Correct. That's what would happen if a guy was hit by a diamond shaped cannonball. Yeah. Yeah, indeed. Yeah, indeed. Anyway, sorry. Was any of this

a sketch? Wait, what was the first one you said about statisticians? Oh, the thing about him having two wives and statistically speaking. I mean, look, that's definitely something you can write down. Sure. Things you could write down. Five something you can write down sure things you could write down five things you could write down

statistic Ian and also the average statistic the average statistic that's something yeah come on what is the I'd love to speak to a statistician what do you think is the average statistic

finally I can speak to an expert on this. You've looked at statistics your whole life, right? What is the average statistic? It's a really funny idea. You might be able to do it. You might be able to get a computer to do it. Maybe we could find it out with AI. Find all the statistics on the internet and average them all out.

They won't all be in the same units. That's the problem. But maybe we could find a way to average the units as well. What's halfway between a kilogram and a meter? What's the average unit? They're all the same thing. But yeah, what's the average unit? They're all the same thing, but yeah, what's the average unit? Yeah.

Somewhere between, wait, a kilogram and a meter. Or like a, yeah, like a parts per billion. Yeah, that's a good unit. Yeah, I like that. Andy, I think we can wrap it what do you what do you picture when you try and imagine something halfway between a kilogram and a meter what do you think it's so hard okay it's so hard okay so it's because i'm picturing a lot of things a lot of dots amongst other things And then I'm picturing that stuff kind of getting in the

spectrum between them. I'm basically picturing that stuff getting closer together and then into like an ingot that weighs exactly one kilogram. I'm picturing a metal right-angled triangle.

Wow. Metal. I'm picturing a metal right angled triangle wow metal right angle triangle maybe you're right I mean it feels like it's not dotty enough for parts per million I wasn't doing anything with parts per million

I was just doing halfway between a kilogram and a meter oh I thought we were doing halfway between a kilogram and parts per million. No, you weren't listening to what I was saying. Well, Andy, maybe you weren't listening to what you were saying. That's also very possible. Don't rewind and listen to that. It was you that you were the one who wasn't saying what I was listening to. It's good, Andy.

Nobody is innocent here. Andy, you would make a good seven-year-old child. It takes two to fail to communicate. You know that, right? Write that line down somewhere. Maybe I could write it here on this pad. It was you who wasn't

saying what I was listening to. Wasn't saying what I was listening to. Alright, now I'm not super looking forward to hearing back the sketches, but it's part of how we do this.

So, let's go. So, I've got comedy in the sphere. Or there's also the examples of, you know, we're just looking for other theatre options. And there's also the line, the long line that you perform to from a moving Shinkansen as you travel around the world in yellow. Then there's the comedy olympic torch race but it's a mic and you're heading to uh you know the comedy festival and it's got to maybe travel

all the way down from the top of australia or maybe all the suburbs of melbourne then we've got uh maybe you're all telling the one joke that'd be good if you were all telling like the aristocats or whatever and the last person the aristocats aristocrat did i say the aristocat cats sounded like that but it's fine if you didn't no i don't know um yeah they say that when they get into the uh club. They deliver the punchline. The aristocrats. Oh, the amount of foul things that family would do before it got there. I think the fictional family would actually come into existence to kill every comedian.

Yeah. Just because of the atrocities that they had put them through, these fictional people. All right. just because of the atrocities that they had put them through, these fictional people. All right, then we've got the improv organized crime thing where they get involved, accidentally get involved in organized crime, and then suddenly they're like, well, looks like we have to keep going with this, have to keep up this facade.

Then we've got the improv heist group, and it's like a kind of a fast and the furious, but improv troops situation. We've got fast and the furious but improv troops situation we've got fast and furious but sprinters then we got this floppy carrot cooking it's the floppy lettuce old crisper old backpack aging kind of restaurant that uses uh the softening of foods over long periods of time to cook as a cooking technique, as its signature. Then we've got talking, talking which put a lot of mimes out of work. Good stuff.

Yeah. And then we got a guy. The mimes think it'll never catch on. Yeah, that's right. Why would you want to talk yourself when you could just have one guy communicate everything for you guys? Then we got a guy at the paper factory who realized this paper, which is used for knowledge and stuff, would be great for wiping asses. wiping asses. And then we've got the statistician who has a 14-year-old and 45-year-old wives,

and he argues that on average he has a 29-year-old wife. He has 29-year-old wives. And then what is the average statistic? Andy, we did it. We did it. Andy, I had fun. I hope you had fun. I had a good time too.

Thank you, Alistair. I had to bring in a few off--pod ideas today because we were both a bit not 100%, you know. You did great. I thought you did great. And now we're going to music our way out of there. Thank you very much for listening. We appreciate that you do that thing. Yeah. You can find us on that Twitter,

that AlistairTB, and he's at StupidOldAndy. You can review us on Apple Podcasts. Somebody did it January 1st, gave us a little boost, started the year really good. I've also started having cold showers like a psycho. Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, and it's the thing that I've actually like tricked myself as well because I genuinely feel good all the time. I mean, I've stopped drinking as well and I have been exercising, but I think it's that cold shower, baby. Whatever it takes, Alistair. Yeah, whatever it takes. Whatever little trick you want to do. Momentarily, I'm feeling good.

Or believe in. So I'm going to go with it. Thank you so much for listening. And we love you. Bye-bye. Je t'aime. Bye-bye. Bye. Au revoir. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

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