Two In The Think Tank - 367 - "CLOSE TO LIFE"

Episode Date: February 4, 2023

New Pasta Shape, Pantheon App, Most Aussie Leader, Everyone's A Leader, Other Side Close to Death, Inflatable God, Young God, Caesarean Poop, Everyday Saliva Straw.Tickets for Al's comedy festival show are here: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall (No Relation)Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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bass and a treble and a bass bass hello and welcome to two in the thank tank show where we come up with five sketch ideas i'm andy and i'm alistair george william trombone virtual and and the thank tank is the the grateful podcast that we were gonna one day do i think we might have done a very grateful Patreon bonus episode once. Maybe we did two episodes at one point. I think we did. We're constantly starting new types of podcasts and then abandoning and forgetting to do them.

Even more constantly abandoning them. Now, mathematically, that doesn't seem possible, and yet we do it. We give up. I've given up more things than I've ever attempted. That's probably true, actually. I've given up a lot of things well before the attempt. Oh, yeah.

You know that about me. I know that about you. It's probably one of the things. One of your main features is that you give up on not being good at something before you've even had a chance to learn. Now, Alistair, what does it take to become one of the pantheon of pasta shapes? Because it seems like they're locked. I reckon that club is locked off. I don't know that there's anything you could do now as a new pasta shape

to make it into that core group, that select few that get reproduced and appear on your supermarket shelves i already think there's too many but i reckon it would be hard to get in i think that uh in the pantheon and i think that that's like i mean i i would say that there's probably a few pasta companies who've managed to sneak some some new shapes. Some bogus ones. Some bogus ones that I don't think that the general public would consider to be in the Pantheon. But I would say the last one to enter the Pantheon, you don't even find dry on the shelf. The last one, I think, to be entered into the Pantheon is a canned pasta, which was the Alphabetti spaghetti. Ah.

What about the dinosaur pasta, the dinosaur-shaped, little dinosaur-shaped pasta, those high-fiber ones? You see, I – I put it to you, that's probably a more recent addition. Yes, but I don't consider it in the Pantheon. Ah. You see, I – you know, if I was making a sort of a Mount Rushmore of pasta shapes there would be

of course the penne there would be the spaghetti which I feel which I feel would be ridiculous to carve out of stone in a mountain just a very long thin yep but you've got to whittle down an entire mountain to get it.

There's no question of making it from scratch like that. The only way that... You know, if I were to put... If I were to make a Mount Rushmore of Mount Rushmores, I think one of them, one of the heads would be Mount Rushmore. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay? And there would be heads on sort of regular presidents' bodies, right?

Hang on. Like, as in, like, if you were making Mount Rushmores of Mount Rushmores, the mountains, the Mount Rushmores would be the heads of presidential bodies. Is that correct? The Mount Rushmores would be the heads of presidential bodies. Is that correct? Mount Rushmore would be the heads of presidential bodies. So you would carve out the shoulders of a president

and then you would have their face be a Mount Rushmore. Right? Or are you just writing four presidents? Four images of Mount Rushmore? Well, I think when I started this sentence,

I didn't know where I was going. I still don't really know, but I'd like a chance to find out. So I think on my Mount Rushmore of Mount Rushmores, it's a mountain, right? And where one of the president's heads would have been, maybe Lincoln, whatever the one on the far left is, I carve that so that that's Mount Rushmore. Okay?

Now I've got to work out what my other three Mount Rushmores are that make it onto the Mount Rushmore of Mount Rushmores. All I know is that I don't think any of the Mount Rushmores, I don't know what the other three are but i'm telling you right now none of the other mount rush moors are going to be things that haven't been carved out of mountains that's all i wanted to say there won't be anything that has been carved out or won't be anything that hasn't hasn. What does that mean? Hasn't been carved out of a mountain. Well, earlier. All right.

I'm rolling up my sleeves here, Alistair. Earlier, when we were talking about the past of Mount Rushmore, and you were talking about how the spaghetti one was very long and thin, but it was still carved out of a mountain. Yeah. Okay. You wouldn't. Everything on the Mount Rushmore has to be carved out of a mountain.

You can't just have a tube that you've made out of cement that you'd set into a rock. No, of course not. It has to be genuinely carved from a whole mountain carved down to just make that thin tube. So that's what I was trying to suggest. If you had made one out of cement, right, and it was a cement tube that you were using for your spaghetti,

I'm saying that that wouldn't be eligible for being carved into my Mount Rushmore of Mount Rushmores. That's all I'm saying. Of course. And I completely agree. I've had a look while you were talking at Mount Rushmore, and I've noticed that actually Washington is the only one who gets any kind of neck and shoulder. A few others, the others often kind of look a little bit like Jack Nicholson looking through that broken door. That crack in the door.

Because they are just faces poking through. He's licking. Yeah, and the last guy, is that Emerson? No, Emerson wasn't a... What's the guy who's like Emerson but was a president? Eisenhower? No.

He's the other one. Roosevelt? Roosevelt? No, not Emerson, not Edison. He was the guy who was like really into knowledge. Benjamin Franklin? He's the Emerson. Was he a president?

Wasn't he? Yeah, I think so. I don't think Benjamin Franklin was a president Alright, let's have a look He was a founding father Maybe they're not all presidents If Benjamin Franklin was there Because I'm pretty

Wait, no, but he's But Benjamin Franklin is on a note Yeah, he's on like the And they do Yeah, you're right It's a common mistake That Benjamin Franklin was thought of as a president. All right. So, it doesn't matter.

Okay, great. How did we get... Anyway, so, the pasta. The pasta shape's on the mountain. Okay. I think that the spaghetti. Okay. I think penny.

I think trivially. Is trivially one? Is that the one that... I've never heard of it, so it doesn't sound like it's going to make it on there. Small think Trivoli. Is Trivoli one? I've never heard of it, so it doesn't sound like it's going to make it on there. Small spiral. I'll tell you what I'm keeping off the Pantheon. Big spiral. Not a fan of big spiral. I love a big spiral.

I think it's too big a mouthful. And I know for you, you love a big mouthful. I know, right? But you wouldn't, you know, I think it would be offensive to you because you wouldn't be able to get enough cheese in your mouth with how big that spiral is. I'll tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not putting penne on my Mount Rushmore of pasta.

You're not putting penne on there? No, of course, bow tie is going to go on there. That's right, because I'm a dapper gent. It's a formal pasta for the bow tie. Do you think they should make a standard tie pasta for the business folk? They should, yes. Double Windsor. Oh, really?

Get a knot in there. Get a full knot. Maybe fettuccine is considered the normal tie. I don't like fettuccine. I don't like fettuccine. No, really? They get stuck too close to each other, and then they don't like fettuccine i don't like fettuccine they they get they get stuck too close to each other and then they don't cook they do right you know you don't see spaghetti

fucking itself up like that is a no you know i think it may be it's the because it's round there's less surface area to come into contact whereas with yeah you know um with those flat fettuccine things they can just they can just press up against each other that like that and fuse together fucking pasta you know you know it's like and then of course uh the final one on my mount rushmore is little penis penis shaped uh pasta from going with the penis going back into uh and it's its own anus right as well because i'm just wanting to prove that i'm not against self-fucking pastas no i just want you to know it's just fettuccine that i don't like and it's not because it's fucking itself no i've got no problem with that I've got nothing wrong

There's nothing wrong with autoerotic Carbohydrates I'm not here to kink shame, I'm here to fettuccine shame Fetta Fettushame Anyway Drop your head in fettushame I'm saying that to Italy

So anyway, this is my sketch This is my sketch pitch That it's just People trying to come up with a new shape for pasta I'm saying that to Italy. So anyway, this is my sketch pitch. Okay, ready? That it's just people trying to come up with a new shape for Parsley. Okay, yeah. That's the whole idea. But it's also how they're going to break through the industry, right? Sure.

This is an HBO TV show. It's one of these ones that people love about business, right? And they're trying to disrupt the whole thing yeah maybe they one of their founders is an old tech billionaire right he made all his money from paypal you know how like and he's putting it all into pasta development and because you know how like it's like succession right succession but it's you know it's it's it's a comedy about succession but it's what succession is what this show is to succession is what weird is the weird al biography is to you know by by

biography movies yes you know yes it's the walk the line one but the but the comedy one. I'm trying to think of a pun on succession where you, but it's to do with pasta. I haven't come up with anything yet, but I'm sure the viewers at home will be, the viewers will be working on this. I'm sure they're all staring at the waveform on their computer. Staring at our voices. Looking at their Winamp skin of that guy with his head as the, you know, the Winamp skin I'm talking about, right?

The one with the llama? Yeah, that's right. It really whips the llama's ass. Get into Pantheon. Pantheon. The Pantheon. You know what they call the pantheon of pasta they call it the pantry on oh yeah because it's kept in a pantry that's true i didn't i mean i didn't know that but i'm it sounds so true that i am going to agree i mean pantheon is one of those words. It's one of those underused words. It's on my pantheon of underused words that sound really fucking cool.

Another one is lexicon. Oh, yeah, it's really good. You know? Is it just words ending in on? It could be. How do you feel about wobby gong? Wobby gong? I love wobbygong as well.

Now, is Wobbegong... Okay, well, this is checking out. Is Wobbegong like a sea cow, or is it just a place in Australia? I think it's a type of shark. Type of shark, that's right. But it is a sea creature, because it does sound... I mean, it sounds like it's more whale-like mammalian kind of thing. Sea cows are also mammalian, aren't they?

What about this, Alistair? If we came up with a type of – a version of Patreon called Pantheon, right? And what it does is – but it would be for gods or belief systems. Okay. And it basically allows you to give a regular donation to sort of any religious group whose beliefs you're interested in supporting, whose work in the world you're interested in supporting. It's just for religions. Maybe it's specifically for gods. I'm not sure. Maybe it's specifically for gods, I'm not sure, but you can basically then in that way build yourself a portfolio of religious belief and diversify. Could you be donating like one bowl of fruit?

It's like little sacrifices instead of money. It could all be done. Little brass bowl. Yeah, because I know like when I was in Taiwan, people would often have like a little Buddhist kind of shrine in their house and then they would leave food in front of it, right? Yeah. So that kind of thing. But if it could just be sort of direct debited directly from your pantry or your fruit bowl. Well, I think what we would probably still have to do to make this work is that we would have a – it would still be done financially.

So it's still just – you just pay a certain fee. But then we would have almost like an Amazon warehouse. We'd have an Amazon temple, an enormous temple with statues of all the gods there and robotic machines that distribute according to what people are donating and dump piles of rice or beans or whatever it is in front of these various statues around the shop floor. So, they're just huge warehouses where you just have like one little shrine for a god, right? But you have these piles that are like, you know, 20 meters high of food that you've dumped for all the people. And this is especially good for people who are looking to hedge their bets. They don't want to accidentally not get into whatever the heaven is real, whatever afterlife is promised. And so they can hedge their bets by supporting every god

and try to quench their hunger for flattery and whatnot. How would you get people to write their... Would the Amazon workers have to sort of write the people's names on the fruit or put a post-it with it on the box or something like that or do you think that god well i think that the in the back of the head of the statue there's a usb port uh that we plug into and we you know we give it a constant access to a sort of an updating data list of who yeah i guess you could have a tv screen makes me feel like just have a tv screen with a like a scrolling credits of people who's scrolling in front of the yeah but i also think that you know once we to this point, do we actually need the real world rice and beans or whatever? Or can it be like a trading room floor where all these things are

represented digitally? At no point do you actually buy the real product. You're buying futures, it's the derivatives, whatever. It should be a much more sophisticated trading scheme. It's crazy that we're relying on – because money, the dollar is no longer pegged to gold. That's right. And yet we're still able to have that sort of thing. Why do we need to have the actual rice in the actual bowl when it could all just be representative? So they put the money in front of the god and then at the end when the money's sort of going bad, I suppose, they would just take it away so that the god, depending on how much the god chooses to take, they just scoop up the rest and then they dispose of it in some way.

Well, given that the rice is perishable or whatever, it should just be vouchers. It should be rice vouchers or whatever. Well, I was saying it's just going to be cash. Yeah, no, I see what you're saying as well. Yeah, no, I guess I just thought that the people then, the company could then pocket the money essentially, but they're saying that they're disposing of it after the god is done with it. You know, the gods take all the value

that they want. Once the gods have drained the value. All the gods have had the opportunity to spend it. That's what's interesting, because I guess if you put a bowl of fruit in front of a god as an offering, you're assuming that the God is taking it in some way, right? Like, you know, he's getting some spiritual nourishment or something like that from it.

But then at the point where it starts to rot, do you think that the God is then taking this as an insult? Because then he can't get kind of spiritual nutrition like nourishment from from rotting fruit do you think there's in some way like that would be considered you know offensive to the god who might send you to hell or something like that yeah uh i don't know does i mean gods have the kind of spiritual gut bacteria to be able to process that kind of thing you know could a god eat wood well the point i mean at no point does the god actually eat the eat the food we don't yeah we don't know yeah we don't we don't know how the god ever you know how it works we know

that we they you know obviously they like having having that there is it just something is something nice to look at is that like you know why when people would paint bowls of fruit and stuff like that? Is it... Is it... Do gods ever accept processed foods? I don't know. Would they be interested in fast foods? Could you put it in a packaging?

Exactly. That feels like... And if you were putting the spam there, would you have to open the can? Could you, you know, because can the gods still sort of get, you know, get the nutrition that they need or whatever, you know, whatever they get out of this system? Could they get it from a closed can? this is a an advertisement for um for offerings that you can make for the gods of like specially designed food for gods that is longer lasting that is non-perishable that you can leave out for longer periods of time so that the god can remain placated for longer that's right yeah keep them like you know i guess if you if you could get a similar thing by just putting

high protein foods in there, you know, you won't get hungry as quickly. Yeah. So, like your tofu. Yeah, low GI. Maybe, yeah, like some nuts. Low God index. Low God index. Who do you think was the lowest God?

Up and go. You know, if gods are up in the sky they might be at various levels who do you how low do you think is the lowest that god could be do you think and and which which god would it would it be you know like like how close to because you know like if you're flying above, you know, you're flying above the, above the clouds, but then you look up and there's more clouds above you.

And you're like, what the fuck? Two layers of clouds. What is this sky got its own sky? I guess that's something for the bottom clouds to look at. You know, and so you wonder, you know, maybe if there were gods, some might be in the low clouds. And is it better to be high or low?

Is it because you get a better view of the earth from low? Alistair, that bit about flying above the clouds and looking up and seeing more clouds and being like, what the fuck, has this guy got his own sky? I think that could be a better stand-up. I'm not really sure what it is yet, but I think you should make a mental note of that. I'll make a mental note.

Look, I'll just – I think I was saying – hang on. This is slightly tangentially unrelated, but I was – a couple of days ago, I was thinking about the government should make a new kind of money that is a kind of money that you have to spend. And I don't – Perishable money. If it sits still for too long, it's – exactly. But the only way – maybe this could be done using the blockchain.

I don't know enough about digital crypto stuff, but this is a new kind of money that is basically perishable money, and the only way that you can stop it, it will go bad if you don't spend it after a certain amount of time. And so that keeps the money circulating through the economy. When you send it to someone else, when you spend it, it resets to being good again. But it will stop people from hoarding.

Now, I'm not sure if there should be two types of money, whether it should be regular money that people can, you know, it'd be hard to convince people not to save anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what the rich are going to do. The rich are just going to program it to swap it with each other. Yeah. Well, we'll find a way to stop that. I guess we could do that too, yeah.

I think it has to be used in a specific type of transaction that we would also need to monitor. I know the rich are going to be trying to. Ones that clever accountants can't get around. Yes. That's the rich are going to be trying to. Ones that clever accountants can't get around. Yes. That's the type of transaction. That's the very specific type of transaction that it has to be

involved in. Also, it's going to be illegal for clever people to become accountants. That's good. They all have to become doctors. At the end of being accountant school, you do an exam and if of being accountant school you do it an exam and if you pass you fail sorry those are the

rules yeah I like that a lot but no more accountants only discount those are those are cheap accountants coupon based accounts they help you organize all your coupon affairs

but I was because I think the great thing about this They help you organize all your coupon affairs. But I was, you know, because I think the great thing about this perishable money thing is like taking the worst aspect of store vouchers and then bringing it to the mainstream money, you know. I mean, yeah. Correct. But I do like that yeah it you know we could and and maybe you know depending on how the economy's going the government can change how long money lasts they might have a dial right in the in their in their office in the prime minister's office and you can turn the dial up and down to see how long should just Prime Minister's office should just be a, it should have just a lot of screens that show them Australia, right?

Yeah. You know, a few cities, some rural roads and things like that. Flashing lights and stuff. And then there should just be a whole bunch of dials and switches and sort of levers and things like that. And that's how you should control the country. And then, you know, maybe some of the other people who are in government could be allowed to stand behind them and watch them push up and down things and things like that, twist, maybe lift a little plastic lid,

one of those like sort of like a plasticky kind of thing on a lid over like one of those, you know, nice metal switches you know and flick that on it says public holiday on that one on a red light like that yeah maybe um you know if you're a good if you're a good uh if you're young australian of the year you get to go in and sit on the prime minister's lap and have a have a play with some of the hold on to the steering wheel let's you talk into the big into the like the little mic you know it's like a little like uh like uh like one of those like uh burger king kind of mics that you can just say the order to the people at the back there you know like a little kind of but um the if you're the prime minister of of Australia, you don't have a mic.

You have a mic. You have a mic? What does that mean? Yeah, mic. Well, it's just a more Australian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, that's what we'll call it here. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's what he refers to as the mic, just to seem more like the people who obviously don't pronounce it like that. But he's so fucking Aussie. No. That's how Aussie he is. Well, the Australian Prime Minister should be the most Australian person. It's funny. I was just having that exact thought. Yeah.

That is funny. It is very funny. He or she or they. Or they. That's right. They. I mean, imagine that being non-binary and the most australian person because that's that's starting with a you know it's a it's a difficult it's a more difficult climb because

most australians aren't non-binary right yeah but but also at the same time most australians like on average the average aust average Australian is on average. Oh, that's true. You know, like on average. So they have a huge advantage. Yeah. Depending on how you calculate the averagity. Maybe an unfair advantage, which we Australians don't like.

That's right. You know. Australians don't like. That's right. But also, the pure, you know, the new Prime Minister, this non-binary, very Aussie person, that's how they don't like it either. That's how Aussie

they are. And they got in on the platform of trying to stop this kind of bullshit. No more of this. I'll be the last one. Yeah. You can guarantee that.

Okay, well, right this day, it has to be. I'm most Australian, sorry. Everybody should, you know, every child growing up in Australia should have the right and indeed the responsibility to be Prime Minister at least once. That's all I'm saying. And that's what we should do. We should all take turns to being Prime Minister. And what that means is that, you know,

obviously some people are going to start to die off, right, before they've had their chance to be prime minister. But what we'll do is we'll just – then we'll just start freezing people and defrosting them when their number is up. And we'll get to a point, you know, because of the inevitable lag involved in this, because I'm imagining we still have four-year terms, because of the inevitable lag, we are – Freezing.

Then you will very soon, in a thousand years' time, we'll still be defrosting people from the year 2034 or something like that and installing them in a world they no longer understand also they're very close to death but it's the only way to be fair yeah i mean that's that is quite an incredible system that we uh other than the fact that these people have no clue what's going on they have been long dead i'm sorry i'm just uh it's actually the best system we've got and we've ever had. People who have just died, nobody talks about this, but people who have just died and who are corpses, they are also close to death, just on the other side. So you could announce that a beloved celebrity is close to death,

but that is a way of saying, well, they have died and they're now beyond it, but still close. But very close to death. Still as close as they were a week ago. Yes. So that's good. I'm already writing it down, close to death. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats.

Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Celebrity. Close to death.

On the other side. Celebrity on the other death on the other side. Celebrity on the other side. The other side. And then you call up all their loved ones and you go, I'm so sorry to hear that your father is so close to death. Yes, thank you. Thank you. That means a lot.

On the other side, obviously. Yes, yes, I know. Yes, I you. Thank you. That means a lot. On the other side, obviously. Yes, yes, I know. Yes, I know how it works. Sighing close to death. So then you kind of, you go through a kind of a big scare, right? And then you have, because when somebody's close to death, when you first, let's say somebody you know is close to death on this side, and then you're like, you go through a big scare. You go, oh my gosh, this is terrible.

I hope they pull through. Then they die. And then you're like, oh, this is really terrible. And there is a mourning process. But then people start calling you because that person is now close to death again. But then you're like, yes, that's true. And in many ways, that's a joyful thing because they're not that far from us. They're still with us in some way.

They're very close to death. And so then it becomes hopeful. So it becomes an arc of healing. Of course, then… I mean, I don't fully understand what you're saying, Alistair, but I completely agree and I support you in every way. When somebody's close to death on this side, it means they're leaving. Right? Right?

And that's scary. Right? But once they've died, them being close to death means that they're kind of, they're also close to life. Fresh in our memories. And so that means they're not far in some way. You know, there's… Close to life. You know.

He's very close to life. Oh, mate, he is on life's door right now, this guy. That's a… This is… You're starting to think up of a great… I'm starting to write down ideas of great eulogies I'm going to have to, you know, I'm going to give one day. You know, because like that period of time where all your friends die and things like that, that's coming up. That's going to be around one day.

You don't want to be unprepared for that. No, you'll be able to be our next chance to wear a nice suit alistair it hasn't been that many opportunities but when the deaths start coming around yes and you've got all those lines you've been saving up you can give the hilarious the most hilarious eulogy i mean genuinely at christmas time uh my beloved's father was like you know like uh we were talking a little bit about the year that has passed and he was like yeah it was actually quite a good year. Not that many of our friends died this year. Do you think if you give a really good eulogy, a lot of people come up afterwards and say, you should be a stand-up comedian? Yeah.

Oh, you are so good. I reckon you could do. My neighbor, my neighbor was like, his job was to talk at funerals, you know, for when like there's not family and stuff like that, they talk. And so, and apparently it's a circuit.

It's a circuit of kind of funeral talk. Really? And, and they did tell me that it's like, you do have to judge, you know, when, what kind of jokes you can be making and reading the room and things like that

on the open casket circuit so you know i don't know just like the guy i mean imagine being the top dog you almost can't brag oh you know because it's like you know you're like yeah i'm the best and so like people would only really hear about you after somebody dies but they're like you know especially i guess imagine rich families who might want to you know they always need to have the best then suddenly like rich families are going well he's the best there is so we're gonna get him you know and then you're like you walk in you know with your big swinging dick and you're just like yeah you got kick kick over the the lectern or the little what do they call it in a church kick over

the uh the death podium there's the one whoo is everybody ready to cry do you think that there's any great there's any like um there's any churches where like the priest is just fed up about talking about and talking to invisible people that he's like makes up a big like inflatable god that was filled up with helium and that he has like hanging near the thing so that he could just look him in the eye and talk to him say now these people what they fucking need god and i'm and now that i'm looking in the eye you know i can you know i want you to know that you know i'm you know i mean it this time none of this fucking bullshit but you don't you don't do the things that I ask for. These people, they need a good week, God.

I think a giant inflatable God is a good idea. But I think what you're overlooking is the awkward intermediate stage in which you're inflating the God. Because things never look good., they never look good. Things look good inflated. But as they're inflating, it's very, they look, you know, it's a distressing and vulnerable time for an inflatable God. I don't think you'd be allowed to look at a partially inflated God. Ah, sure.

That'd be one of the rules. You'd probably have to wear gloves and have to wear one of those masks that covers your eyes. Like a sleep mask, but like a religious sleep mask, so that you could just do it respectfully. Never witness a semi, a semi,

a demigod. A semi-god. That's right. A half stag god why why did we like you know i'm trying to think of religions that actually build statues of their actual gods and i don't think it happens like you know going back obviously to the greeks i think they were up for it buddhists do i think they do big big giant statues of them but i don't but i don't think buddha is a god but the gods they do the gods like the uh the buddhists yeah i think like i mean like at least the taoists or whatever the ones i think that's a part of i didn't even know

that they had actual like other you know god gods that were that had forms or anything like that i don't know i don't know anything because i it's because the buddha gets so much of the okay look it says it says buddhas do not believe in any deity or god although there are supernatural figures who can help or hinder um but let's see let me just see about this taoist but i wonder if you know if if the the point at which god became something where people would be like oh well he's he's beyond your ability to imagine right whether or not that was actually quite a good a clever little innovation in terms of religion like you know you know, you would have been a Greek or a Roman, you would have had statues of your gods and you can see them and you know what they look like. your God can't be very good if they don't have any statues.

And you're like, well, actually, it's not that I can't afford statues or I'm not good at sculpting. It's that my God is beyond the capacity of the human mind to comprehend. But maybe at the time. It's like the God version of my girlfriend lives in Canada. Yeah, that's true. You can't even picture him in your mind. And even trying is an offence. Yeah, yeah.

Actually, if you were to hear the voice of my girlfriend from Canada, it would drive you insane. So that's why you can't speak to her on the phone. She's so powerful. Yeah, that's really good. I'm going to write that down. I can't even imagine God is the God equivalent of my girlfriend. My girlfriend lives in Canada. My girlfriend lives in Canada.

Lives. And she's really, really hot. She's got a million dollars. She's a real rich bitch. Her father got a million dollars. She's a real rich bitch. Her father has a yacht. I always think that Hagrid kind of looks like a young god.

Do you think? Hagrid? Yeah, maybe. Like a young god when god was kind of like still partying a bit and yeah sure sure i mean he was a bit loose a bit looser like i mean god wouldn't have you know if if everything has a a beginning and an end and i you know obviously i'm it's a big if but you know

god would have at some point been less all-knowing and less all-wise. You know, when he was just kind of – Yeah, he was still making mistakes. Yeah, he was still kind of half-knowing and half-wise. Yeah. You know? Young God. Like when they made that – Young Sheldon.

They made that show Young Pope and Young Sheldon, but Young Pope, you know. But they really missed a trick, and they should have upped the ante a bit by making it young. Everybody hates God. I think a young God TV show is good. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

I mean, it'd be interesting. I don't know what, I don't know what the other cast members would be. I think Ray Romano would be in there. You know, he would, he would be somebody that God works with.

Okay, I'll take your word for it. You know, he'd say that. God. Like that, you know. And probably you would see the scene where God would actually have an encounter with the Virgin Mary. Really? You know? Wow.

What if we found out that it was really, like, from God's point of view, that was a real one-night stand kind of thing? And Jesus was an accident. Well, he has one on every sort of planet with life. You know, he's got a girl in every port, that kind of thing. That's a God situation. You know, he's got to have a vessel through which he births his young. Yeah. You know, because that would have affected what Jesus looks like and everything like that.

I've got hoes in different area codes. That's right, exactly. I've got flames on different spectral planes. Yeah, it's very much, I'm trying to find, you know, and I guess these hymns, the priests who sing hymns are very much the Nate dogs of the celestial world. You know, they come on and they do the singing bit. And God, of course, is exhibit.

Yeah. In this scenario, I believe. Hang on. But Ho's are different area codes. That's not exhibit, though, is it? Isn't that ludicrous? Ludicrous. I think it's ludic but is it hose a different area codes that's not exhibit though isn't that ludicrous ludicrous i think it's ludicrous i'm so sorry it's ludicrous yeah ludicrous ludicrous it doesn't quite work andy how could that is the closest thing to anything working christ yeah but but but but we want ludicris to be God, not the son of God. I know, but he's not the son of God.

It would make sense for God to have a kind of Christ in his name. That's where he would have got it from for his kid. That's true. It's his surname, isn't it? Yeah. God Christ. And then it's also kind of got like it's also got like the beginnings of luke in it it kind of looks like it's got it references judas a little bit

luda luda judah christ it's got lucifer lucifer yeah it's got all it's got a lot of the characters are in that or you know are in that name you know so i you know don't be name, you know? So, you know, don't be so critical. You know, sometimes you don't know how good you are, Andy. Andy Matthews. I don't want you to think I was talking to another Andy. Now, we probably got enough sketch ideas, if you could call them that, Alistair. Should we go to some words from Alistair?

We have a lot of thinnies, I reckon, today. Yes. You know, a bunch of,nies, I reckon, today. Yes. You know, a bunch of, like, sketch ellas. Yes, Andy, today's episode is sponsored by Casey Pearson, one of our fine Patreon supporters. I think pretty recent Patreon supporters. So thank you very much, Casey Pearson. Thank you for coming on board.

It's a real joy. And Casey Pearson has sent in three words from a listener. And I believe that listener is Casey Pearson. Casey Pearson. Casey Pearson hasn't mentioned if it's from somebody else. Would you like to try to guess what the three words are? Let's start with the first word. Unless you want to try to guess what the three words are? Let's start with the first word. Unless you want to try to guess what the second or third word is first.

No, no, no. The first word is underfoot. Underfoot. Oh, indeed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But the thing in traditional cases, the thing in the first word does have a foot therefore an underfoot the first thing is gentleman gentleman uh which okay second word is gondolier no andy the second word isn't gondolier. No, Andy, the second word isn't gondolier. But it is related to gondolier in that, in my experience of gondoliers.

The second word is never, because I have never been on a gondolier. Gentlemen never, is it shit? Is it gentlemen never shit? Andy, it's fucking shit. You got it. how did you know that how did you know that well i was like it's you know it to people to people is it a sort of saying or is it like some sort of weird sort of meme this idea that women never shit or uh ladies don't i don't i don't know how i got that alistair i it see it seems like the funny gentleman never shits

i mean this is a this is a future in which um it is considered really bad form to shit and instead of shitting you go and you have a c-section you actually go and have uh yeah this is happening in sort of like 1850 right and oh wow it's it's you know it's a time of some people living in exuberance right but it's also a very early period to be getting into surgery, but it's the latest thing. And the rich are, they're all about it. They love a point

of difference in how they culturally go about things. They want to keep their bums nice and tight. They say, well, that's right, for anal sex, they say, I'm sorry, but the anus is an entry hole only. And they do that by getting a sort of a cesarean.

It also links them to the ancient Romans and that exuberance and things like that. It was, you know, everything comes back into fashion and they were all about the ancient Greeks, Romans at the time. And so then Caesar're getting your you know getting your guts opened up um and so somebody goes i've just got to go to the toilet he goes ah a fine pissing gentleman i love that and you go oh no i'm not going for a piss he goes what do you mean? You're not. I mean, a gentleman, excuse me,

but a gentleman never shits. I mean, all the men in the club have, you know, I mean, for years we have not, we've not shat. You know that. It's all done surgically now.

You don't have to do this anymore. Well, actually, I quite enjoy the feeling of it coming out and being done with. Oh! A vulgar! A vulgar! Terrible! Go to the operating theatre, turn left. We've got a wonderful little man there who does it for us if you just take it out. Oh, and the... much more dignified and the

this animal animal practice these and and you'll you'll absolutely love the week of recovery in bed ah how luxurious you know you know i mean i've barely started leaving the bed because it's it's so nice. And I'm always, in many ways, in a state of recovery because, you know, well, you spend all week eating pudding in your bed and then suddenly you get out of bed feeling great. But you've got a little urge, don't you? So back. Yes.

I mean, why do people need to get out of bed in the first place? I'll tell you why people get out of bed. It's to go to the bathroom. Well, none of that. None of that. I'm only. If you're not going, then why do you need to get out? If you're not going, then why are you going?

I'm only here because the gentleman is here. And this isn't. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go this afternoon. I'm picturing them in a big room. But then the other guys. Somebody gets rushed in for a very urgent surgery. That's right. I'm picturing them in a big room but and then the other guys somebody gets somebody gets rushed in for a very urgent surgery

that's right oh yeah he's got diarrhea and they've got they've got to blow it back up the intestine to the opening you get an enema but like the enema is like, you've got to get it back up the pipe.

You've got to hang the person upside down. You're defending the exit. You're fighting them off from the pass. You shall not pass. Yes, that's why we don't eat curry anymore. You shall not poop. I, that's why we don't eat curry anymore. You shall not poop. I'm sorry about this, everybody. Gent never poops.

I mean, I've wrote cesarean poop, but then next to it in brackets, gent never poops, even though that's exactly the three words, shortened a little bit for a point of difference. But it's just such a high-quality idea. not really adding anything then are we we're just taking it away yes i mean you don't think that the cesarean bit is in any way an addition do you think what a subtract a subtraction from the idea from the purity i just meant when you wrote, gent never poops. Oh, you're right. But, Alistair, I think we have done what we came to do. We've done it. Do it. It.

Do it. Do it now. The proverbial it. Okay. Yes. Well then, Andy, I suppose I should take us through the sketch ideas. Yes, do it! Please, do it!

That's the gentleman in the room with the doctor. Yes, now do it, man! Just cut me open and take it! For God's sake, just do it! Also, just a thought that I had the other day. Just do it. Also, just a thought that I had the other day. What would be, I'd love to like have one of those like dentist like straws that sucks the saliva out of your mouth, but for everyday life. But I don't know what context I would use it in.

I'm picturing myself on a bus or on a train with this in my mouth and the machines in my backpack I'm just trying to if you don't want to swallow your own saliva yeah that's pretty gross i guess that is yeah you go oh i don't well i don't i don't uh it's it's like a really really strict vegan who doesn't eat and swallow any animal products wow their own saliva you know and just like and just and just dry so every so it goes what does it have us do it it goes into a reservoir the the saliva goes into and then i and then i release it back into the sea yeah that's nice because i mean especially because there's like a lot of like

you know bacteria and stuff like that that accidentally found itself in your body through no fault of its own, you know. There's a whole lot of kids swimming down at the foreshore, and you go there with your huge barrels of saliva and start pouring them into the ocean. them into the ocean oh in mouth on bus all right glad we're keeping track of this well i've had i've filled up the page so i've had to write it on a different angle so people won't really read it um and also today when i was writing the title of the podcast at the

top i wrote two in tank and then i went oh fuck and so then i put an arrow pointing to the area between in and tank and then i wrote the think the think if ever if ever one of us like went solo you know either either one of us dies or we go solo i think the podcast could be called The Think. Who's the think and who's the tank? Which one of you is – people ask us this all the time. Come up to us when they see us walking down the street. So which one of you is the think and which one of you is the tank? Well, I think – do you think, Andy, you would be the think and I would be the tank?

I would just be tank. It's possible. I would just be tank. It's possible. And then to win is when we have a guest. Nice. tank uh it's possible i would just be tank and then to win is when we have a guest nice ah two in is here we've got two in um okay i'll take us to the sketch ideas and he's like raring to leave uh we got well we got new pasta shaped tv series uh trying to get into the pantheon you know but it's a real fucking

serious business show you know serious in a comedic oh it's a closed shop yeah you know they won't let you in the old guard they'll do anything guard you know there is there is a firm in their ways as the pasta is the dried pasta is uh in its way which is the shape that it's in. Then we have App Pantheon for donations to many gods to hedge your bets and give them many offerings at once. Then we've got... I guess the gods, maybe for people who subscribe to their pantheon they give some extra teachings or something some extra secrets extra you know there's some bonus content a few more like um maybe a few more trials you know in their life oh wow they say oh god you know like why have you done this because they always god's always testing you

oh god you know like why have you done this because they always god's always testing you and so and every time you test it and you get through you uh you know you you you become stronger and wiser anyway uh then we've got uh uh you know flying above clouds and the sky well sky has its own sky interesting that kind of thing. I don't know if that's quite a sketch, but Andy loved it. With Rolly Dale. And brought it down because this is one of the thinnies, you know. Then we've got the leader of Australia has to be the most Australian person. But maybe through quirks of averaging, they actually tend to be somebody who's actually quite unique.

Yeah, well, I think that's the thing is that, you know, if we found who the average Australian is, I think a lot of people who consider themselves to be real Australians would probably look at that person and find a lot to be offended by. They probably would deny their Australian-ness. It's a very interesting and quite important political point. Well, actually, I think because they would be mixed race, probably non-binary, they would speak a language that is an amalgam of many, many different languages. They would...

But as long as they know how to sink a pint, we're all right. You're all right. They know how to sink a pint whilst also being off booze currently. They're simultaneously off booze whilst being an alcoholic. Anyway, then we've got, everyone has to be prime minister once in their life. I mean, I think I really did like the sci-fi aspect of yours. I was picturing some mathematical calculations that are done

that, you know, so that they find out how long the term is in order to fit everybody in, you know so that they find out how long the term is uh in order to fit everybody in you know within their lifetimes but also yeah you would still have to have provisions for people who die suddenly but um yeah but also yeah we'd constantly be changing but anyway uh we've got uh everyone oh we have close to death celebrity on the other side celebrity who's close to death but on the other side and then we have inflatable god that's pretty stupid but um you can't even imagine god is is is the equivalent of my girlfriend lives in canada that's i've put it together with the inflatable god thing but um yeah then we got a young god TV series. Oh, what was he up to?

Who was he before he was God? You know? Yep. You know, it would have been tough, I imagine. I mean, there is a chance, right, that, you know, God, you know, was just a regular person. Maybe in a pre, maybe in a version of the universe before this one, 2.0. That is not a completely insane idea.

A second run of it. We said, let's run it again. That's what he started to do. The first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to reboot. And then we've got cesarean poop gent never poops and we just took a direct we just gotta god could just be the carryover champion of the previous universe it's like a battle battlefield like you know uh what's that island japanese battle royale kind of Hunger Games type thing.

But maybe you don't have to kill people. Maybe it's about who lives the best. But, you know, it's hard. As soon as you get given power, you get corrupted somewhat. You flood the whole earth. First thing you want to do is start killing people, right? That's right. You want to go, well, you're not doing it right.

Flood. Anyway. Flood. Anyway. Flood. Flood. And then, of course, there is. I will flood you. I will flood you. I will flood you, mate.

I will absolutely flood you. I am going to inundate your, all over you. Except for my mate. My mate. I will tell him to make a boat. Oh yeah, what about all the other people who had boats, God? How did they die?

I'm going to tell them not to build. I'm going to tell them to dismantle their boats. On their day, I'll say, don't get boats. It's going to get really dry. It's going to get really dry. You better take apart your boat. Yeah, quick. I'll appear before them. Use it to stop dryness from getting into your house.

Keep the moisture in. Build a house that's humid trapping. Yes. Saliva straw in mouth on bus. There you go. That's the... Flava straw in mouth on bus. There you go.

That's the... You're really good at that noise. Thank you. Thank you. And then that's because I'm a super vegan. I make vegans look like bad people. And there we go. We're done. Okay, we're going to go back to the song now.

And there we go. We're done. Okay, we're going to go back to the song now. Bass and treble and bass and treble and bass and treble and bass and treble and bass and treble and bass and treble. I wonder if anyone's ever made a trebly bass. Ooh. Now, instinctively, my brain immediately goes like, I know what that would sound like. And then I try and imagine it, and it doesn't work.

It doesn't work. I'm just imagining bass and treble. I think I'm just picturing a bass with a clap at the same time. All right, we've got to go. And we love you. Bye-bye. Buy tickets to Alistair's Comedy Festival show. They're available now. Buy them now. And we love you. Bye-bye. Buy tickets to Alistair's Comedy Festival show. They're available now. Buy them now, please.

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