Two In The Think Tank - 368 - "SMARTHOLE"

Episode Date: February 12, 2023

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It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Yes, I'm bringing back Military Marches. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I think Military March, I think it'll be the next big genre.

Oh yeah, I'm Alistair George William Chamblay-Burchell. And I'm Andy. And that is Andy. Sorry, you were unplugged from my headphones for a moment, and so then I made up for it by saying the thing that you most likely already did say. How did that happen so quickly? How did it all fall apart so immediately in the seconds after we started recording? My phone plug has fallen apart a little bit. Yep. And I'm wearing big dangly headphones and uh and so and they fell the sort of the cord fell there was a cord fall

andy cord fall and there was enough weight in the cord fall to pull the cable out of the... Andy, these are big motherfucker headphones. These are... I know when you put on headphones, you fuck around, but Andy, I don't. Yeah. Would you say these are badonkadonk headphones? These are badierkadeer. Oh. I realize that the onk isn't what people call an ass.

Well, maybe it is. Onk, donk, ba-donk. It's a great sound. Onk, onk. Well, because badonkadonk is onomatopoeia, but then turned turned visual right um so now it's it's giving you it's kind of giving you the automatic i know it's not strict automatic but of of something that is kind of bouncing something that has a bit of heft to it but you know maybe has like a kind of gelatinous but yet firm texture moving up and down and kind of hitting against maybe the like a hollow floor

like that right you're you're you're completely right it's somebody running a big ass over a speed bump. I was going to say dropping pumpkins into a wooden barrel. Exactly, yeah. But it doesn't make a sound, but this is the sound it would make if it did. Yeah. Right? It's a new kind of hypothetical onomatopoeia. I think it's actually really advanced wordplay. Okay.

I think it's actually really advanced wordplay. Okay. It's like onomatopoeia for something that it looks like this could be. And then, yeah, it's like visual onomatopoeia. Okay, here it is. It's visual onomatopoeia for a metaphor of what this could be. Yeah. Would you call that nonomatopoeia?

It's the sound something doesn't make? Well, no. I would say nonomatopoeia is where you go like this. You go, oh, I'm a little lady. And I'm making a big soup. You don't eat enough. You don't eat enough of your skin and bone. Yeah. So that's nonomatopoeia is when you sound just like a sort of mediterranean grandmother yes what was beautiful about you

calling it a mediterranean grandmother is it made it nice and general nice and general and therefore we can't be accused of an offensive impersonation that's right because you can't offend a region no no so let's for example say i was to say something about the people from the region of asia exactly exactly alistair it's not possible to offend them because there is no them right that's right i am so enlightened and progressive that i recognize that there are so many vast differences between all the groups in that in that uh in that area that it would be impossible to offend them all. That's right. Therefore, I could say anything I like. Because no generalizations that I make would be broad enough to cover.

Did I talk about this recently to you? I don't know. I think I found this in one of my old documents about how crazy a word... Oh, no, it's like a really old bit that I i saw myself do and i guess i didn't keep doing it but it was about how the word asian is so broad in terms of it goes all the way from like you know western india or somewhere even maybe further and all the way to like you know japan yeah it covers such a broad group of people that the only you couldn't possibly use that word correctly um in any way the only way that you could is if you said asians are from asia and even then there's some gray area.

Yeah. I mean, is Russia part of Asia? Because I think Russia might be part of Asia, but Russians aren't Asians. So you're right in that case. Yeah. So you're right in that case. Yeah. I think that there's a weird category, and I think it feels kind of racist that it is essentially like – I think I saw somewhere where Russia was kind of considered a little bit European, but then it's almost like it has its own category. Yeah.

Anyway. Yeah. But nobody talks about it. Nobody wants to talk about it I think the geographers are too scared Because they know that if we start asking questions about this All their little house of cards is going to come falling down That's right Okay

And all these so-called areas that they talk about are bullshit Geography is a lie. It's a scam to sell atlases, big atlases. Big ones. Bigger than your head? That's when you know you're reading a big book. When would you say, because I would say that as soon as you know you're reading it, it's big as soon as it's bigger than your head.

You're right. I mean, and I think that's great because it's bigger than your head, but then you read it and you fit it all into your head. You get it all in there. It's a real... The head is Mary Poppins' handbag. Yeah, that's right. But of ideas.

I think that's a really funny idea. You're a person, if you read books that are bigger than your head, doing that in public or whatever, that that's like a kind of weightlifting or something or really flexing. Sure. Look at this big, look at the size of this book that I can read. Yeah. You know, like an ant that can lift 20 times its own body mass.

I can read a book 20 times my own head size. The size of my head. And what you just go in there is the size of a garage door when it's opened up wide. And there you are. You just. I mean, newspapers are like that, right? I suppose so.

And, you know, ironically, a lot of children's books. Are really big, yeah. And I guess, you know, elderly people who want that large print. Yeah. Do they do kind of like Agatha Christie novels instead of like half human size? Like, you know, roughly the size of half an elderly person? So, you know, for you and me, it would probably go up to just like somewhere halfway up our hip or our thigh. Yeah, I think so. Before the invention of reading glasses, they just had to keep making bigger and bigger books.

Yeah. I want to get myself one of those large print versions of Infinite Jest. Oh, yeah. I mean, do you think you could get it on newspaper paper? You know, let's say you get it delivered in one of those stacks on a trolley, like they deliver newspapers to the news agents. Like that, right? But it's just a stack, and it's just infinite jest, right?

And folded into newspapers, and then tied around with a bit of twine, right, into different stacks. And each stack is a chapter. And then they bring it in, and they turn your house. It looks a little bit hoardery. Yeah. Right? And they stack it all around your armchair.

And then you just, one by one, it feels actually more manageable, a more manageable way to read something like Infinite Jest. And then you just slowly but surely read through it, and then you start a new pile, and you start stacking it from the bottom. The process there, the hellish process of then having to lend, if you're going to lend your stack to somebody else, they then have to flip the papers because the first chapter is down at the bottom right but then you know this would be a small this would be a cottage industry of like you know boys who go from from house to house every morning and they come in and they flip your stacks my infinite boy yeah would you call them infinite jesters uh no you wouldn't You wouldn't be allowed to do that.

Probably. There's a branding issue in the estate of David Foster Wallace. I like the idea somewhere, and this may not even be an idea, but of breaking fiction. But of like breaking fiction, you know, like the idea of a daily newspaper, right, is that it brings you the latest news. That's the latest things that didn't happen. You know, if we treated fiction with the urgency that we treat, and maybe I'm just describing fake news, but if we treated fiction with the urgency that we treat real news, that, you know, if somebody,

if a big disaster happens somewhere in the world, we interrupt the news broadcast. Breaking. A dragon has eaten half of a witch's broom. In a story someone just wrote. So, yes, if something happens in the real world, we interrupt the news to tell about it. But if you write – if we didn't have a distinction between things that do happen and things that don't happen, then you could also interrupt the news broadcast because of a really enormous fictional disaster that somebody has just written or published a book about. That would be really cool because it is like you could be reading the fiction newspaper right or you know we're browsing its websites or whatever but i like to get it in print because i like to be able to feel

it um yeah and and then you're like you get to the end of it you've been reading all the you know you just finished all the uh the fictional sports matches yeah and um the people have written and then you go this surely can't be all of the fictional things that were written in the last day. You know, isn't it convenient that all the fictional things that were written could fit into one newspaper? And then somebody's complaining on Twitter is going like, how come nobody in the mainstream fictional newspapers are writing about this fucking like. Other made up thing. Yeah, this like freaking anthropomorphic broom that is being written of like thousands of pages were written yesterday in Mongolia. In Mongolia.

Yeah, but then also if you read, if somebody, anybody posts a fictional news story about, you know, a celebrity sighting or something, you write underneath, geez, slow fiction day. How is this fiction? How is this considered fiction? This is too close to reality. I really like that.

I like that a lot. I think we should do it. I think we should start a fictional Twitter. It's a new Twitter and it's just called fictional Twitter. Yeah. And that's where we can go and put all our fake stuff. I like that a lot. Pretend stuff and we can argue about whether or not it constitutes fiction. Yeah, I think that's really good.

And then I also liked one idea as the rich guy and he doesn't read fiction, right? But then sometimes when one fiction book does seem too tantalizing, to just stick to his rule, he has to pay people to make it happen. What happens in the book, so that the book becomes non-fiction. Okay, so this is a guy that you made up. Yeah. He's a it's the it's you know he's a billionaire yeah and he's one of his famous um tenets of success is that he doesn't doesn't waste his time around fiction doesn't waste his time with fiction because the real world's what is important that's where you make money and that's where you make a difference. And fiction is for suckers. Right.

That's his big thing. And your guy, if he hears about a fictional story, there's a lot of buzz around something. He has a team of what would you call them reverse authors or reverse reverse historians yeah um story defiction he calls them defictional i guess they would be just historians they make the story a reality historians kind of record it and these people, they restore it. No,

that doesn't, I was just trying to make it run. The first time I realized that the word history has story in it. Is that a coincidence? I don't think so. I mean, it is a story, isn't it?

I suppose so. High story. High story. High story? I'm laughing at the idea of a guy greeting a piece of writing. You're going to write that down, are you? No, no, no.

It's not being written down, Andy. It's not being written down. Don't worry. Don't worry. All your little ideas you? No, no, no. That's not being written down, Andy. It's not being written down. Don't worry. Don't worry. All your little ideas, you know, that I reject on being too small, they're safe. They're safe. Great. As in, like, they're hanging out with my ideas, my own ideas that are too small that I reject. And they don't have to feel insecure. Great. I don't have to, but I insecure great i don't have to but i choose to yeah no that's true i still can if i want i have that i have that option um so yeah so he goes out

and then these these historians they go out and they make uh you know the the story real and it's it's more difficult the more fictional the story is you know uh yes you know the the story real and it's it's more difficult the more fictional the story is you know uh yes you know because sometimes he might actually have to get you know on certain genetically engineered zombies genetically engineered zombies sometimes i guess in the in the most extremes of cases he has to get like advanced physicists to to you know spark a new a new universe possibly a new multiverse where particular things happen and so um yeah it's a lot but this is just because he doesn't have time for fiction. He's too busy.

Well, it's just one of his, you know, he's a man of his word. Yes. And if he doesn't have his word, he doesn't have anything except for his billions of dollars. I'm nothing except for flesh and bone and I suppose a sort of life spark and all my money and a bunch of money and the sort of influence and power structures that I have built over the years. But apart from that, I'm nothing. What about this as a fictional device? It's a world in which – it's a world much like our own with smart homes. We now have smart homes.

But the technology used to power the smart home is all mythical, magical technology. So if you have a pin code to enter the house, it is – you do have to answer a riddle of a tiny little sphinx type thing. Sure. Like a computer goblin or a computer sphinx is guarding your door. Yeah, exactly. And your washing machine is powered by little elves who come out and do all the washing in the night.

Is the AI Sphinx called the Sphinx? The Sphinx? Sphinx? It's just Sphinx, but it's spelled with an I. It's spelled with an AI. Yeah, that's right. That's what it is. Sphinx.

Sphinx. I hate that word so much. I'm abandoning this idea, Al's right. That's what it is. Spanx. Spanx. I hate that word so much. I'm abandoning this idea, Alistair. Well, Andy, while you were talking, you said smart home, and it made me think of my new product, which is currently fictional, but a billionaire will make this real. It's called the Smart Hole, right? And it's a device that you attach

to your anus right and and it it saves you from embarrassing situations by uh firstly you don't it will never uh you'll never shit yourself involuntarily. Involuntarily. Yeah, you'll never shit yourself involuntarily. You can't shit yourself, but on your terms. Yeah, you have to really choose to do it, right? But you'll never shit yourself involuntarily. It gives you another line of defense. It will control, you know, when your body is accidentally releasing it will add a you know

attention to it through maybe electrical you know charge or whatever like that but then also what it can do is it can release gases uh slowly over time so that you're not so this is like our constant low-key shitting sketch kind of like that this is constant low-key shitting sketch with Jack Trees. This is constant low-key farting. Yeah, but it releases it so that it does an analysis of the gas. It can tell from the molecular composition whether or not there's a strong odor or a weak odor. And based on that, it can allow, it can, you know, release it slowly, you know, maybe at like a sort of a two parts per million per minute kind of thing so that it is undetectable by the human nose.

It stays under the nasal radar. It allows you to fly under the nasal radar all day long. Yeah, that's great. And, you know, it would also detect if somebody else has done a fart, then it would know that it could use that as cover. That's right. And it could go, vent, vent, vent, dump it, dump it. Vent, vent, vent, we're out.

Yeah, we're on our way. Yeah, we're free. We're free. Dump it, dump it. Opens the valve full like that but but it also helps protect you from from sound so vibrations and things like that i i my my fear with this alistair is that with the internet of things this would obviously have to be somehow wi-fi enabled it's connected to the network right yeah and i'm just terrified of the idea of hacking sure and the consequences

the potential consequences um i know but that's why this that's when this story gets really interesting because a hacker takes control of everybody's anus it's a real black mirror you know would you connect your butthole to the internet hypothetical when they had that tomorrow night show on the abc why weren't they talking about this yeah yeah or um when they had uh you know what was the the year 2000 show there or whatever it was they're beyond 2000 yeah all the technology that they would have they didn't think of the let's make beyond let's make beyond 2000 again yeah let's keep calling it beyond 2000 we buy the rights to be on 2000 a show which can't possibly have any value now. Yes. Nobody's using that name.

Nobody's watching it. Nobody's. Yeah. And then we make it into a comedy. Yeah. It's a great idea, actually. Gosh. Wish we didn't have to spend money on buying it.

Wish we didn't have to spend money on buying it. I wonder if, ironically, we would be able to buy it for less than $2,000. Oh, yeah. What's the behind $2,000? Andy, maybe we could just go to the producer who makes it and then say, I would just love to have the rights i'm not going to do anything with it could i just buy it from you for for a dollar just so that you could transfer it to me anyway is this a reference to something else actually i've just realized that i can't that's it's very wrong of me to joke in this area right now um

i believe your employment is attached to something yeah It's very wrong of me to joke in this area right now. I believe your employment is attached to something. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I mean. Do you want me to start saying negative things about the TV show tomorrow night? No, Andy, no, no, no. I love you. Anyway. I'm not that creative, Alistair.

I couldn't think of a single thing to say, so don't worry. Hacker gets control. Sorry, I just didn't write this down. Mm. Mm. Of our anuses. Everybody is so happy. The amount of stress that melted away as they realized they no longer needed

to think about this yeah okay of course but then but then you're right and that's why everybody everybody does it everybody gets the chip put in their butt but then oh nightmare of nightmares In Nightmare of Nightmares, a zero-day exploit is discovered and the control of everybody's butthole is seized by a ransomware group operating from a troll farm in Russia. That's really good. And then they basically all become, you know what's that thing idiots they're um uh useful idiots you know we're all yeah we're all now working for the russian state that's right lest it's a really it's a really great concept.

I mean, do they? Plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders? No, but chicken tenders? Yes, because those are groceries and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Do they just hack into the president's butthole?

I mean, I think the fact that you could find out over time that everybody has been compromised, including the president. You know how they have the Air Force One, the First Lady, do they have a special name for the president's butthole? Is there a Secret Service code name? Is the first butthole the president's butthole, or is it the president's wife's butthole? What's the... Does that make the president... If it's the wife's, is it the president's the zeroth butthole? The zeroth butthole?

I mean, what's that series of films with Gerard Butler? Is it like Olympus has fallen, Angel has fallen, whatever? One of those refers to- Did you choose Gerard Butler because of Gerard Butthole? It's an Air Force One type thing. The president has had – I'm removing some of the technology from this. I'm sorry. The president has had some kind of colonic surgery. He basically has the – he now has the butthole version of a pacemaker installed. This isn't a thing that everybody in the world has, but yes, the control of it is seized by the Russians

and it's a struggle for control of the President's status. Yeah, I like that. And then at some point he gets this is like one at the peak of the of the action sequence in the film where he gets his hand on the hacker and then he grabs him by the by the collar he says get off of my butthole and he punches him in the face like that. And then he grabs the laptop and he breaks it over his knee. Yeah. Great. And then as that breaks, his butt just then is finally able to release all the gas. Oh, so you think that what has been happening is that they've been stopping him from being able to release anything.

I mean, imagine the torture. I thought maybe what they were doing was they were threatening, like, blackmail to... I think it's both, right? Yeah, I guess it is. You know, they get to... Both are bad. Yeah. You know, maybe at some point, you know, his helpers gave the president a presidential towel that he could just ripe wrap around his waist to just cover his lower area in case something did happen but then somehow you

know the the hackers had thought of that they and then they booby trapped the towel in some way as well yeah but also the you know the conspiracy theorists in the right-wing media they're attacking the president for wearing a towel around his waist. He feels like he can't do that without appearing weak. Maybe they're on the verge of war with another nation and the stakes are incredibly high. Yeah, the president can't lose face at this point in his life. It's good. It's good. It's good, Al.

I think we should end the podcast now and start writing it. All right. Well, give me a second. And because we've got to go to three words from a listener before we do that. Yes, of course. If you're okay with that. I know. I mean, we've already, we've got so many ideas already and we're, but we're only 29 minutes in.

But you know what? Let's just do it, Andy. Hooray. I don't know if you know about this, but we have listeners, and some of them who support us on Patreon can send in three words from a listener. Correction, all of them who support us on Patreon can send in three words. Yes, I apologize. I had just meant some of the listeners,

the ones who support us on Patreon. Apology accepted. I apologize that you misunderstood what I meant. So these, and yeah, and one of those listeners, uh, today is Timothy. Timothy. Any day you're listening to this is the day that Timothy was the person who submitted three words. And...

Tim, Tim. Timmy, Tim, Timothy. Tim, Timothy, Tim, Timothy, Tim, Timothy. That's exactly what I was thinking. Yeah. That would be cool. Do you think there's anybody called Tim Timothy? Yes.

I'm going to say yes. Do you think Tim.Timothy is available at gmail.com is available? Tim.Timothy. Let's go quickly. Before we release this episode, let's race and find out. Gmail. If we get it, if we get. Let's see if we can get it.

Tim.Timothy. Wait, I got to sign it. Add another account. All right. Create account. You're doing it right now. Yeah. Wow, this is good content. Username Tim.Timothy.

It's exciting for the listeners to be discovering this at the same time as us. Wow. There's no point. But how do we know if his name is actually Tim Timothy? Well, we don't know that. I guess we could hack into the account and see. Or we could just email him and ask. No.

Two very good solutions. And, you know, only one of them. I don't think either of them we're going to do. But, I mean, if somebody could email tim.timothy at gmail.com and ask them if that's their full name and send us a reply, that would be really helpful. Now, obviously, we're not asking them if tim.timothy at gmail.com is their full name, just for clarity.

No, just Tim Timothy is their full name. Yes. Thank you for clarifying that, Andy. I think people would have been really confused. No, I mean, it's okay. I just would hate for this to backfire. Now, do you want to try to guess what Tim Timothy's words are? And this is not the real Tim Timothy.

This is our Tim Timothy. Okay, the first word is pointless pointless no no uh i mean yeah very far away um ginger okay ginger i don't think this even has an R in it. The second word is alcoholic. Alcoholic. Ginger alcoholic, you think? Yeah. No, Andy. Ginger bread. Okay.

So is it going to be gingerbread house? Is it going to be gingerbread skyscraper? Is it going to be gingerbread man? Is it going to be gingerbread mangrove it going to be gingerbread mangrove? I'm going to say mangrove. Gingerbread mangrove? Oh, that's a very good guess. The answer is, unfortunately, gingerbread fetus.

Oh, God. You know, it's a pre-man or pre-woman. Yes. You know, it's still got that genital tubercle. You know, it's still undecided. Yes. Okay. So, yeah, I mean, this does, you know, straight away make you think about the whole gingerbread man life cycle.

It does, doesn't it? Yeah. um it does doesn't it yeah and you know and you would see it go through if you look at it there in the gingerbread womb floating around in the gingerbread amniotic sack you'd see it go through those stages where it starts out looking a bit like a fish with little m&ms for eyes and then at what point do the buttons down the front? Do you think that they have buttons down the front when they're still in the womb? Well, I'm not sure. I mean, do you think that they, you know, a gingerbread man can become a fetus in your belly? I mean, I wasn't thinking that until you asked.

And now that you ask it, I still don't think so no i think for the gingerbread men i think the womb is the oven and i think that yeah the um so then you think that when they're in a gingerbread shape as a man um because i think that is i think think, well, maybe the... I mean, in many ways, the gingerbread man is made when, it's when the two hands make love, right, in the bowl. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. And the dough is kneaded.

That's the... Yeah. And so, and you're kind of like, yeah, you're really pressing it together. You know, that's like the grabbing of the ass and the boobs and things like that. Like that, your hands, you're rolling it in your hands like that. The sperm and the eggs is, of course, the, you know, the flour and the sugar. What about the egg? Is there actual egg in there?

Well, I don't know. Is there an actual egg in there? Well, I don't know. But the egg, that would be sort of like maybe this semenic fluid or whatever it is. Yeah, maybe. Oh, that's controversial. And what an interesting twist that the semen is the egg. Ironically.

And what's the ginger? I feel like the ginger must be the spark of life oh yeah must be the the in the indescribable breath of god yeah that's right i think that's what the ginger is and that's just is it candied ginger or do you think they do fresh ginger with that uh i think it's powdered ginger. Powdered ginger? Is that what they put in there? Yeah. Have you never made gingerbread? I've never made gingerbread. Oh, well, Alastair, you haven't lived.

But this is the question for me is when does gingerbread life begin? Does gingerbread life begin at the dough stage? Does it begin when the gingerbread starts browning off in the oven or does it begin when the oven door is open? I think that the gingerbread fetus is the full dough ball, right? It's a fetus that is bigger than the actual creature that it becomes. Right, and that can actually be split off to make multiple gingerbread men. Yeah.

You know, because once your hands have finished making love, then you have a sort of a fetus almost immediately. A fertilized. So, I mean, the bowl is really the womb. Oh. But it's also the boudoir. Yeah, I mean, the bowl is really the womb. Oh. But it's also the boudoir. No, I feel the bowl is the whatever the area where the fertilization occurs. But I don't think that happens in the womb.

Doesn't the egg sort of move into the womb? Yeah, so you think that the bowl is like the birthing canal. Yeah, that's right. Where the sex occurs. Yeah, that's right. But you got to also understand that this is a different species. So sometimes, you know, things can be- Not everything's going to be a perfect analogy.

Yeah, because I think that the oven, that's when you become a man. That's when you really become a man i think when you first wow that's when you know and so that's that's kind of like you're right life it's a gingerbread man it's not a gingerbread yeah no i think when you cut it out infant out of the fetus it becomes a gingerbread boy yeah okay you know and i think the oven that's soft and doughy yeah yeah but then it needs to be hardened that's right by life but by the oven yeah and and in a way it's a mixture of you know like uh those kind of many of those uh cultural rituals in which you become a man you have to go through some challenges uh sometimes it's just experiencing life but it's also you know the oven time is also a bar mitzvah yeah um yeah you know

and and i think the mouth i think really the mouth is like yeah that's that's probably like an old folks home it's the passage of time it's the uh the the cruelty the vicissitudes of aging. Well, you know, like I think, yeah, in that part where you are in the little clear plastic wrapper with the sort of golden sort of shiny bow holding your clothes. That's your prime. Yeah, that's your kind of like, yeah, that's your sort of adult years. And then you go into sort of geriatric adulthood as you get pulled out of that and into the mouth, eaten by a child.

Also, gingerbread men are able to reproduce and pass on their genetic information because if you eat a gingerbread man that you like, you are more likely to make copies of that gingerbread man. Okay? You're going to attempt to make that gingerbread man again. Maybe you'll make small changes. That's the mutations and the changes that happen between generations. But, oh my God, do gingerbread men undergo evolution and are they, by that definition, genuinely alive? Because they are able to pass on their information to the next generation.

Because if they're delicious enough, then that genetic information, i.e. the recipe and method of cooking, then survives. Yeah. Then survives. And what's very interesting is that at the particular cafe where my children get their gingerbread, there are species of dinosaur there that would be potentially made from the same recipe as the men that are also available. And so, not only has that genetic line continued, but it has evolved and split into multiple species. Well, I guess like bacteria, they're capable of passing some of that genetic material between species. That's right. Xeno-transplantation sort of style.

Xeno-transplantation? That's when you get like an organ from a pig, I think. Oh, yeah, right. Okay, well well there's another word we learned about it on the pop test it's like yeah parallel evolution or horizontal evolution or something like that isn't that interesting that we then that makes human beings we are the sexual organs of the of the um gingerbread men yeah Yeah. Right? Yeah, I really like that. I mean, yeah, one hand is a penis, the other hand is a vagina.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're their genitalia. The rest of our body is, you know, our hunger. Is their sex drive. Yeah, and our love for the people for whom we make these biscuits is their horniness, is the sex drive. Yeah, and they, I guess, are like those salmon or whatever those creatures are that spawn, reproduce and die in the act of reproducing, but are able to replicate nonetheless. Yeah, well, they kind of replicate through their death cycle. You know, it's the success in their death that... Maybe they're like eucalyptus trees that need that fire to burn them so that the

seeds can be released. But they need to be crunched by teeth and... Yeah, exactly. Have their heads bitten off. So, we did it, Alistair. Yeah. Whatever it

was, we did it. Yeah, I mean, I guess we came up with the gingerbread life cycle. Our hands are their sex organs. That's why you never make a gingerbread man with a penis. That's why. Because they don't need sex organs. Because you are the penis. You are the penis. You are the penis.

You're the penis, I understand it. All right, Andy. Well, then I guess I'll take us through the sketch ideas, if you're okay with that. And just a big thank you to Timothy, Tim Timothy, for that wonderful idea. Three words from a listener. Of course, the idea I was referring to then was him writing in three words from a listener.

What a great idea. Which he got from us. So, thank you, us. Yeah. I think we should end every episode with a little thank you to us. I don't think people will hate that at all. No, I know. I mean, genuinely, it does, you know,

it's like we are finding it more and more difficult to make this happen. You know, the fact that we continue, I mean, really, it's our little window of joy in a grander window of joy which is our lives. Good, Alistair. Good save, yes.

The great, the grand bay window of joy that is life. This is just one pain. That's right. The much larger pain. In the much, much larger pain that is now. Pain in my house. Yes.

That is life. All right. Well, here's our sketch ideas. Our lives are extremely painful. Yes. In the sense that they are a huge window of joy. Big window, like a skyscraper, almost entirely made of pain. Pains.

All right, we got read books bigger than your head, cramming it all into your head. It's both a flex, a public flex, but it's also the tremendous achievement that it is. And then, of course, we've got the newspaper infinite jest. This is a new way for old people to read, especially when they refuse to get reading glasses. You just get books printed into much larger fonts

and you get them delivered by the infinite jesters to your house. Yes. A term that Andy did not agree with. Nice normal sketch. Nice normal sketch. I love it. Nice normal sketch. And we've got breaking

news and fiction and this is a full newspaper publication for things that have just been written yes slow fiction day yes oh slow fiction day yes oh why aren't we covering this huge bit of fiction that was written yesterday in New Caledonia. Why doesn't anybody care? Then of course we have a billionaire who doesn't waste time on fiction so he wants, if he wants to read fiction

he pays to make it real. So that he can read it. And then we have a smart hole, the have a smart hole, the hacker, a smart hole, which is the new sort of like smart home, but for your asshole,

controls everything to do with asshole stuff. But then a hacker gets controls, gets control of our anus. Then of course there's the Air Force One, but with the president's butthole. Get off of my asshole. Harrison Ford is in a great age right now to play this. To play a Joe Biden-style president.

You know? Somebody who would need an anal... All our worst fears have come true yeah an anal they have a plan for this i mean it could still be a pacemaker for just pacing uh when the yeah when the bowel movements come you know you become master of the movements uh we've also written here beyond 2000 a new show uh and this is it's still a show where we talk about new technologies that could come after the year 2000. Yeah.

And we just imagine what things will be like. And it's going to be really brilliant. We're going to pay $1 for it. Yep. And then we have gingerbread life cycle. Our hands are their sex organs. I made another beautiful normal sketch. But, I mean, it's just you present it as a science video.

Exactly. And how it happens. And it's a good way of teaching. Maybe we write it up as a paper. We write it up as a paper. We present it as a, you know, a little bit of stand-up comedy. lecture. A little bit of stand-up comedy. But we're

scientists who are scientists first and we're dabbling in science comedy and we're not doing it good. That's how we would do this one. Nice. Yeah. Alright. Well, I think that's the full episode, Andy.

Would you consider going into the song now? I certainly would. All right. Dum-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- you can buy tickets to Alistair's show at the upcoming Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Alistair Tremblay-Birchall in Alistair Tremblay-Birchall, no relation. That's right. And I think that would be so lovely. I recently did an episode of Book Cheat. I was very lucky to get to do Book Cheat.

And we did the book Rebecca with my good friend Rebecca Petraeus. And also Dave Warnock was there who's also doing a show and so is Beck. Beck is doing a show called Mary which is about Christmas and you should not be stupid and go buy some and also for Dave Warnocki's show but also I did the podcast and instantly people bought tickets to my show. Whoa. The people of the Dave Warnocki book cheat podcast who listen to it are very trigger happy with ticket buying. I can nay believe it. I was recently on the Pratt Chat podcast talking about Terry Pratchett's short story, Rince Mangle, The Gnome of Even More, and I get to talk about Terry Pratchett, which is a thing that I like. I would really love to listen to that. With Ben McKenzie.

Was his co-host also on there? She was not, no. That's why I didn't mention her, but she normally is. But on this occasion, she was unable to be present. So it's just me and Ben having a nerdy old chat about Terry Pratchett. Well, her present was the gift of you getting to be there. Yeah. So in that way, she was present, a gift to the audience.

In almost every sense. Yes, you're right. Okay. And so I guess we're going to have to wrap up. So, you know, feel free to follow us on Twitter. We don't do that much, but we do respond to things when things happen. That's right. You know, you can always check and follow us on Instagram.

It's at 2andTank for both. You can review us on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher or anything like that. But you know what? In the end, it doesn't matter matter but we like it yes you know we're just happy that you're listening to our voices right now and you make a sound so they can hear your voice right now so thank you very much and take care and take care of other people. And we love you. Goodbye. Goodbye.

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