Two In The Think Tank - 369 - "ASSHOLE LAMINATING MACHINE"

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

Tickets for Al's comedy festival show are here: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall (No Relation)Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello, Al. Yes, Andy. Geez, a comedy festival is fast approaching. Oh, really? Well, what kind of things should I see? Well, Alistair Trombley-Birchall from the Two in the Think Tank podcast is doing a comedy festival show. Oh, my God.

Well, it's called Alistair Trombley-Burchell in brackets, no relation. Don't say the in brackets bit. And you can get tickets now. It starts at the end of March. Can you believe it? I do believe it. Well, let's go buy tickets now because it makes Al feel good. Should we go to the party?

Yes. Mm-hmm. Bye. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- Hello and welcome to Two in a Thing, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair Tremblay-Burchel with a George William in the middle. It's an Alistair Tremblay sandwich

with a George William filling. And go crazy with the George William. It's actually a George William sandwich on Alistair Trombley Birchall. It is. Instead of saying on rye. Do you consider yourself to have two last names or one last name? Do you think of the Trombley Birchall as being two different things? Yeah, I think it's one last name made up think of the trompe l'oeil virtual as being two two different things yeah i think it's one last name made up of two two last names sure two other people's last names so you're

you're sort of like the um you know the china's one one china policy with regards to taiwan you know some people might look at that and say well that's two different countries are you trying to do this so that your official policy is one are you making me you trying to do this so that I... Your official policy is one surname. Are you making me take a stance on this so that I have to maybe rule out one of my world's biggest markets where I could perform it? Is that what you're trying to do? You're trying to shut down one of the world's biggest markets to me? Trying to make me sound pro-Taiwan? Eh?

Well, I won't do it, Andy. Okay. Okay. You want to keep your options open and I completely understand. I won't do it andy okay okay you want to keep your options open and i completely understand do it yeah the mainland that's the mainland i mean that's right draining the mainland uh that's when that's when flooding happens and then you need to create a suitable storm water system for your city. Imagine if you did actually think that the urinary tract was the main vein. I mean, nobody thinks that, right? Nobody thinks that's the main vein. Well, if they think it's the main vein, then they think that piss is blood. If you think it's the main vein, then you might be the piss vampire that we tried to write a sketch about.

That's right. We tried to write a sketch about for that commercial TV 7.30 family friendly sketch show that was rejected by the uh handwriting team i mean it would be great oh yeah do i do oh we did actually try to pitch that didn't we yeah no we write it up we sent it in piss vampire look he's like i like i like it but we can't do this yes fair fair um yeah i mean it would be great i I mean, it would simplify things. I mean, if you were designing the body now, you probably would make all of the fluids in the body just piss. Yeah, yeah, great.

Or all of the fluids in the body just blood. Seems crazy to have all these different fluids. I would try and simplify like the USBC the usbc of of bodily fluids everything's blood you piss blood you you bleed blood you spit blood spit blood you cry blood it's all blood when your nose runs it's it's it's it's running blood it's earwax is blood um the little that that oil that lubricates your eye that's blood and if you'd like to know what it's what it would be like to live in this alternate reality a uh you can simulate the the this exact effect by getting into a quad bike accident and yeah you'll be able to transport yourself to the all blood dimension

ah yes everything comes out of you is blood um yeah i mean imagine that then you pop a pimple and then blood comes out and you would be like oh that was very satisfying rather than now when you go i guess i've i've emptied the well i've gone too far actually i wrote a one-liner that was about it was like the other day yesterday i mean one liner you, I'm not saying it's a good joke, but I was saying my wife was... You weren't saying it was a good joke, Alistair. You were just saying that it

was a one-liner. Yeah, my wife was begging me to make white babies the other day, which is what she calls popping my back knee. Now, she's popping your back knee. She's popping my back knee. So you're... Yep, and you're making the white babies.

Yeah, well, she... I mean, in many ways, we're making them together. You know, without my back and her fingers, or whatever she chooses to use, it wouldn't be possible. What about that? What about that? What about a penis with a fingernail on it how do you feel about that um that's good because you could then you could use it to dig or to kind of like peel bark off of yeah exactly open um the the battery compartment at the back of the remote control you know maybe skin an animal yeah now do you picture the uh the penis fingernail yeah um uh would you picture that

being over or under the foreskin obviously you know this is in a situation in which you have a foreskin you're able to make this choice would you like it to be something that you could reveal or would you like it to be permanently visible um oh i mean it feels like it's it's a it's like the foreskin in that it's retractable like that kind of you know like i guess oh wow you know and so and it's and it comes out at a different time it's kind of a bit more like cat claws. And so when you're horny, you get an erection and then your foreskin kind of moves back. But when you're angry and threatened, your penis gets erect again and then your foreskin moves back

and then your nail moves forward. Yeah, great. Okay, now what about this? All your fingers have foreskins on them that cover up the fingernails. Yeah, that would be good. And then you just pull them back when you want to do scratching. Yeah. But you don't always want to scratch things. have fingernails you know it's like because i mean this is a this is a crude reason but say in the

using if you were performing the ancient art of fingering in that case you actually might want your finger your your finger foreskin to be over the fingernails yeah you know and so it's kind of like the it would it would be the opposite of the of the penis now if we if we had a TV show, a primetime TV show, hypothetical-based TV show, I think one of the hypotheticals we could ask on that, hypothetically. In the hypothetical, Alistair, here's a hypothetical. If you had a primetime hypothetical-based TV show, would one of the questions that you asked

on your hypothetical TV show about hypotheticals, would you ask, would you rather have foreskins on your fingernails or fingernails on your foreskin? Now, you've genuinely, you know, you've upped the ante with that question to what we were talking about because you've pluralized fingernail to nails on the penis. So you're suggesting that it might go around like the penis could have five,

like as many as you would have on your hand. If I did that, it was unwittingly and unconsciously. But it makes it more of an… I didn't mean to raise the stakes. It makes it more of an armadillion kind of penis then, I think. It is quite armadillion. kind of penis then i think it's quite armadillian yeah armadillian air i mean then you would think that this would be an evolution to respond to some evolution in the in in in the human in the female human anatomy

that might be like uh you know you got to get a key on the key ring in order for the woman to produce lubrication or something like that. Yes. There's actually a set of janitor's keys dangling. You have to add a key for every time that there's copulation. Yeah, you have to add a key. You don't actually deposit sperm. You just use your penis to add a key for every time that there's copulation. Yeah, you have to add a key. You don't actually deposit sperm. You just use your penis to add a key onto the key ring. And if that key matches the special lock that she has in her hymen, then...

You know, something in the combo of how the key works, if it matches, you know, her lock, then it tells the egg what kind of dna to produce you know to it changes the dna of the egg uh accordingly sounds sounds good to me accordingly to you um accordion to you yeah accordion to you this is two old episodes you've referenced in one episode so far yeah no i'm feeling very nostalgic um speaking of speaking of old things here's something that i texted you to you the other day alistair i just wanted to bring back up part idea yeah this is my my idea about you know

how beethoven at the end of his life he was went deaf, so he sawed the legs off the piano and would press his ear to the floor so that he could hear the music. I didn't know that part because I was going to correct you on it. I was like, I think you're thinking of like a Native American would put their ear to the ground so that they could hear people coming. No, no, no. No, not at all. No, so he saw saw the legs off.

Why didn't he just put his ear on the piano? Which is what I'd heard he did. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. And I'm not sure whether this is a real fact or maybe it was mentioned in Mr. Holland's opus or maybe it was somewhere else. I don't know and i'm not sure whether this is a real fact or maybe it was mentioned in mr holland's opus yeah or maybe it was it was somewhere else i don't know if this is true but my version of that is a famous chef say gordon ramsay loses his sense of taste maybe he has

covid yeah maybe he has covid maybe he's reaching the end of his life right and his his long kitchen nightmare is almost over but he at he he saws the legs off a dining table and he presses his tongue to the floor so that he can taste the food yeah or he saws the legs off of a you know like a like a cow corpse you know you know so that he can yeah taste the meat taste the raw meat the cow so that he can he can lick the cow i think yours actually makes a lot more sense but well i mean i mean i hate to yeah i mean i wasn't going to say i mean you know i mean andy i said more sense, but I mean, come on. Not that much either. Not that much sense either. I mean, you came... It's not a crowded field.

You came in pretty cocky to make it seem like, yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously my idea makes sense. It makes the sense of taste. Yeah. That's the sense it makes You know, he should have changed his name to Beertoven I don't know, it sounds like beer, doesn't it? I was going to say

Sorry, Beethoven changed his name to Beertoven? Yeah, but spelled Yeah, why is that? You know, E-A-R So that he could get ear in there, so that people could see it and see what body part isn't working. Yeah, right, but then that would be Beertoven. Yeah, it would be Beertoven.

Like if you were to read that out. But it's German, so they don't pronounce it like that. Right, how do they pronounce it? Beertoven. Oh, do they really? I don't know. know well this is how how he's asking them to and he's quite a high up guy in the in the catholic germany i don't know i'm not always you making like it i was trying to say george pell i was trying to say

yeah catholic church and then i just said catholic germany Catholic Germany. It doesn't make a lot of sense, Andy. Yeah. Okay, wait. All I've written down is Beertoven, and it doesn't even make sense. It's not even part of the idea. Ear to the floor. Ear to the floor. I mean, you really want to write tongue to the floor. That's the interesting part of the idea.

If all that is recorded for posterity, apart from the podcast itself, obviously, is the phrase Beethoven ear to the floor, then that's not helping anybody. But, yeah, if you are listening to the podcast and you know where that fact came from about him cutting the legs off the table, whether it was a thing that actually happened or whether or not it was cutting the legs off the piano, whether or not it happened in Mr Holland's opus or somewhere else,

please do let us know because we're not going to look it up. But, yeah, I because we're not going to look it up but yeah we would i guess we're interested we are interested andy we are um did mr holland have an enemy like uh like beethoven did or was that mozart mozart had an enemy mozart had an enemy i'm sure beethoven had an enemy as well i mean do, do you consider anybody in the comedy field to be your enemy? I don't know if that named them, but, you know, and somebody who is a direct competitor? I mean, if I were to have one, it would probably be you, Alistair, but we're allies.

Yeah. You're probably my most direct competitor, and I've neutralized that. Yeah, by sort of helping get me work a lot of the time and things like that likewise uh but i mean i think on on the occasion when i feel like i have had an enemy when i feel like i have um not even enemy but like had a person i'm like man i hate you you suck yeah it has always been that thing of oh you're probably a bit too similar to me but like had a person I'm like, man, I hate you. You suck. Yeah. It has always been that thing of, oh, you're probably a bit too similar to me. And also I have always, in the end, after a long time of thinking that,

found myself interacting with them in some way and they've been great. So it's all, you know, it's just me. Yeah. I mean, often we hate the person in our head and that person in our head that we've created, we've created a model of them. And there's the real part of them, right, that's in our head from what we've observed.

And then the rest we've just filled up with parts of us. Yeah. And then we hate that person. Right. So, if you don't know that much about somebody and then you know really that most of that person is you um i mean if we haven't already come up with this as an idea i think a service where you can have somebody be your enemy um you know i'm not sure if you have to pay for it but uh you know something how are we how are we maybe it's a it's a dating app for nemesis nemeses or something like that and you can find people in your local area to hate and to develop a rivalry with that that

might maybe that'd be great maybe you'd push each other forward in some way yeah and you could um you know post each other updates and little send little little threats it's a social media app specifically for um for for finding a nemesis i mean once you find a nemesis you can move off that app and then you know just do dms kind of like people do i think in tinder and stuff like that they just go like yeah hey, should we move this off Tinder and start, you know, one-upping each other on Instagram through subgramming each other? Subgramming. You know, subtweeting, subgramming. Is that a phrase that people actually use or did you come up with subgramming?

I don't know if I came up with subgramming. I assume that people have made that leap before. I mean, it's been around for quite a few years now. And so has Twitter. We were talking. Now, on Instagram, sorry, like occasionally I try to work out how Instagram works and I don't get very far. But on Instagram, you can't, there's no way to like retweet something, is there? There's no way to share somebody else's Instagram.

way to like retweet something is there there's no way to share somebody else's instagram only through stories but i mean you can also just probably screenshot it and then just posted it on your own yeah i think that's mostly like they should just have a there should just be a thing where you can re share other people's instagrams yeah re Yeah. I don't understand. That's my biggest bit of it where I'm like, what? Why doesn't this exist? Anyway. Yeah. Well, I mean, I get it. Maybe you could start your own Instagram.

Instagram. Or Latergram. Yes. Latergram. Wait. Twinstagram. Twin-stagram. It's named after your children.

No, it's just the twin of Instagram. It doesn't matter. All right. Twin-stagram. It would be amazing if that took off. Twin-stagram? That became the new. Yep.

Somehow we did it. We did it. We made that big. I know, but if it was just named after... If it was just called Twinstagram and it was just an app for quite depressing photos of twins... Yeah. And you go, oh, no, they're being forced to dress alike again and they obviously don't like it was that you barking just then yeah that was me sorry yeah is there an eagle outside is that why you can't have the dog at 38 degree heat um yeah i haven't um i haven't seen the uh the eagles for a while but when you when

you put it like that it makes me think that eagles are like a um a macroscopic version of evaporation you know that they're they're evaporation for objects bigger than single molecules they're like the sun they're like the sun they can make your dog evaporate up into the air. They can make, yeah, and then fall back down again. And fall back down as a corpse, you know. Yeah. You know, which is kind of, you know. Exactly.

Or as eagle feces. Eagle what? Eagle feces? Eagle poo. Eagle feces, yeah, eagle poo. I mean, you know, the amount of transformation you undergo uh once you get lifted up by a an eagle and it starts picking you apart wouldn't you uh i mean yeah how do we is there any i mean there's not a sketch in that is there

um i mean i'm trying to think, like, you know, what about... If there was a way of getting them to get, you know, it's a way of getting your kids to school is by having eagles. Having eagles. Yeah, and above... Swoop down. Swoop down and grab them by, you know, it would be the school bag or whatever, you know, or they could put...

Yeah, well, you'd have to build a special kind of thing and it's a sort of a dome with meat on the top yeah well i think the meat is your kid well maybe yeah i mean i you know i i it could if you if you were trying to hack the eagle system you know without your kid getting any talons into it or anything you'd build a sort of a a big a big wide helmet with some some meat slabs on the top that the eagles would grab would you still just kind of have that regular like bicycle helmet strap and that's what what all the weight is dang is their body is dangling under. Like that? They just sink their talons into that foam

underneath that very solid plastic covering there. And then they dangle your child by the neck all the way to... And then there's just more meat there. But occasionally you'd lose one. A couple of kids, they go, there's actually way more meat on the neck. Yeah. And then there's just more meat there. But occasionally you'd lose one, a couple of kids.

They go, there's actually way more meat on the kid. Well, that's why I was hoping it would be a big dome. It would be something that the eagles can't get around. Yeah, but I was hoping it would be funny. And so that there's got to be some element of a bad idea to this idea that seems, because I mean, what it's good for is... I understand what you are hoping for, but I'm afraid I can't allow it, Alistair. What it's good for is eagle conservation, because now they've got, we've got a whole industry that needs them and we'll be having eagle breeding programs. There's a reason we found a way to monetize the eagles of the sky do you think there's some way

that we could the kids could be protected by just adding an extra eagle if there was two eagles well that was our problem where there actually weren't enough eagles. A lot of people were saying. Yeah. Well, I have seen eagles sometimes fight where one eagle flips upside down and locks claws with the other eagle. Yeah. So, you know, maybe if the kid had an eagle, an upside-down eagle on the top of their head,

and then the eagle swoops down and grapples with the talons. Because I think it's actually, from an evolutionary point of view, they don't like to engage because it is so damaging to them if they do. To both of them. For both of them, yeah. It's mutually assured destruction. There's actually no good outcome. And that's all those, you know, the goats and stuff with the big horns and shit.

They're not actually trying to really fight. Like, you know, and rhinos, like, presumably don't charge at each other. Yeah, right into the side. Piercing one another's. Like T-bone each other. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're just.

That would be brutal. Just suck so bad. Yeah. And also, it wouldn't be great for you having your horn and all that meat, you know? Exactly. Because then you've got to like – it's not like a natural head movement is moving down and then backwards to kind of get it out. Disengaging. Yeah, disengaging that hook because it's got that hook, you know?

engaging that hook because it's got that hook you know it's got that thing it's like trying to pull a fish hook out of a out of a fish's lip which always seemed to be like the worst thing absolutely horrific yeah okay now we're just gonna release it because we're doing this humanely you go but didn't you put those barbs on those hooks so that the hooks couldn't come out? Didn't we tear that out of its mouth? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. This is humane. Yeah. Look, I'm not sure what this Eagle Lift thing is.

Yeah, well, my other idea was like I was hearing about that geoengineering solution. Maybe it's a lunar engineering solution to our problems of climate change where someone had recently been like, if we could get giant rail guns to the moon and fire hundreds of millions of tons of moon dust into space every year, we could actually create a shield to protect the earth from the sun's rays. And I'm like, are these – I'm not sure if these geoengineering solutions, they're getting more and more insane. Yeah. And I'm wondering if actually the people coming up with these solutions are trying to do that to make climate action on Earth seem much more

like a good idea because these so-called solutions are fucked. And if that's the alternative, we might actually even have to start using less fossil fuels. I'm sorry, guys, because the moon thing sounds crazy. Yeah, it does sound crazy. Although the moon is very far away from the earth. Yes. I mean, you know, so I don't think that, you know,

the moon dust will necessarily be an immediate threat to us. No, no, I agree. I agree. I'm not so worried about the moon dust as I am just thinking that that scheme sounds very difficult to achieve. Yeah, sure. Sure, sure, sure. You know.

I do love. But, you know. Hit me. Yeah, well, I was thinking, you know, like if climate change was going the opposite way and it was getting colder, right, and evaporation wasn't working anymore, okay, like the oceans weren't evaporating. No more evaporation. Yep. Well, not as much, right? Yeah. So we're not getting as much rain and stuff.

Yeah. getting as much rain and stuff yeah maybe our solution could be to get breed smaller and smaller eagles that can individually swoop down and grab water molecules from the ocean and carry those up into the stratosphere yeah or yeah yeah no that's good yeah or or ice cubes and then drop them you sure you know cubes of ice and things like that because it's so cold all the time and then they yeah yeah and they drop them on individual plants or whatever or you know in trees and stuff like that keep them hydrated um yeah is there any animals that fuck with ice that like you know they they distribute ice as a as a sort of a a biz a bizzo a business you know um there's no yeah you know like they don't i don't know they don't

throw ice or anything like that there's no snowball snowball ferret or anything like that or i mean you know we know that bears uh polar bears might dig holes in the ice i don't know if we've ever seen one on a little piece of ice shelf, like with its legs in the water, kicking and paddling it along like a boogie board. Yeah, like with the one side of the sheet of ice sort of up in the air and he's just got his arms on the thing and kicking and it's just going. Like that? Yeah. Yeah. I haven't seen that.

Maybe they could do that. Maybe they should do that. Have they tried it? There's no like a beetle that uses sort of ice, like a ninja star or something like that. It's the ninja star, Arctic beetle. I mean, it's worth Googling just to find out just in case. Maybe that mantis shrimp that can get know like that can get tremendous heat uh in this very small town you know that one feels like

if you know you put a little little fucking you know ice cube in front of it yeah you could make it explode and then use those projectiles to kill prey you know maybe like get into the eye of a penguin through to the brain or something like that. This is my – I think we came up with this guy already, but this is a guy who sits right down the bottom in the basement of the zoology department. Yeah. And all the zoologists occasionally, you know, they'll come to him

and he'll just come up with a fucking, an idea for an animal that if they're really running out of research ideas, they could go and try and find this, this thing. What about this? Like a fucking ninja star ice beetle. Yeah. I mean, it could also be like somebody whose job is, especially with all these kind of like dying, you know, dying kind of like dying you know dying creatures and stuff you know things going extinct somebody who can come up with animals that can play take

the place of many species that have been extinct you know extinguished and they do all their purposes you know so let's say you know you've lost you know like a certain species of plankton so you need something that can cover and feed whales so cover large areas and feed whales but then you also need something that uh is capable of like uh you know has to be able to hunt this other thing so it doesn't get out of control and so yeah i mean that's it feels like that's maybe where we will end up with we will like somebody needs to work out a functional ecosystem that has the smallest possible number of creatures right and you might find that you can get a

functional ecosystem that just has three creatures and they just need to be like this specific one would be like some kind of slime mold type thing okay one is like a fish with just like blades chopping blades in its mouth and you know uh claws to scratch at rocks i don't know and then there's there's one sort of griffin type land eagle thing that can that can eat that you know we we might be able to make it work like that, and that's probably what we will end up with on the Earth when we've killed off most things and we've just built a few Swiss Army knife-type,

genetically engineered chimera freaks. I mean, I've said it before, but I'll say it again. This is the origin story of Pokemon. Yeah. We wiped out all the fauna and then we had to create new ones that could take its place but that hopefully don't really feel true pain and then that way we can fight them you know i mean i think yeah although you know the fact they don't feel pain that's probably just more of a luxury. We don't need... But Moosehead, yes, because that's alcohol and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials.

Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. We need to do that for the first generation, then we get just stuck with that generation. Yeah, until people start to ask questions. But we still fight them fight them fight

them um yeah i mean i think that's an idea i think you know the the biological hole patcher you know yeah um because i mean at some point you know like engineers if ai can do all sorts of you know all sorts of more regular kind of engineering jobs engineers are going to have to go into sort of more complex engineering you know yes you would think you would be more ambitious more ambitious more creative and things like that and probably i could probably do it but um what's the name of that guy yeah whenever whenever an ecosystem like some species are dying off in an ecosystem they a guy comes along with a tanker, a big tanker with a hose full of like this goop, right? This sort of omni-goop.

And they spray that all over the place in the ecosystem. And it fills the gaps in the ecosystem. It could do all sorts of different stuff. Yeah, right. So it's like, you know this it's this weird slime mold that uh that also glows in the dark and so if you you just goop it all over the leaves uh it will give them enough uh you know sunlight kind of like light that to keep them alive at least yeah and it'll it and it and it you know it pollinates things and it's a good source of protein.

Yeah, and this is when things are like, they're so bad that this is the only way that we can just maintain. Things will no longer grow. They will no longer expand, but we might be able to keep the things as they are, as long as no big fires come through. I guess having a big sort of wet goop all over everything will stop is also a slight chance against bushfires and stuff. If we just cover the whole forest in this slime mold goop, glow-in-the-dark goop, all the animals should be allowed to live enough, but... They won't be happy. They won't be happy.

They won't be happy, and no one will be. I mean, that's the future. The future is goop. Maybe it makes all of the animals infertile, but the goop can keep them alive forever. Yeah. And then, I mean, that's a great thing to, like in a sci-fi world, to come back to the planet in like 2,000 years and see what it's like.

Somebody lands on, we call it the Wet Earth Chronicle. And it's three novels set. It's genuinely a nightmare. In this future. It's genuinely a nightmare, everything covered in goop. What's a movie that had that? Was that one of the Mario Brothers movies? Or there's like a goop over stuff.

I can't remember what it is. I remember a Cronenberg film. Yeah, maybe Cronenberg. Maybe it's, what about one of the old Ghostbusters? Did they have the stuff to spray a goop over all sorts of stuff? Yeah, yeah. Maybe that one that I'm feeling from the, yeah. Ghostbusters 2.

2. Yeah. Maintain nature. Yeah. You know, it is quite literally an ecological gap filler. Yeah. It's brutal. Really, really awful to consider um because then because once you come back you're like you're like well it's still alive and maybe if we find

a way of saving the the uh you know like the environment fixing the climate then we can we can then find a solution to the goop um yeah that's what it'll be yeah it's just because if you lose all the biodiversity then you're then you're fucked you can't restart yeah that's going to take millions of years you got no chance right but if you can just hold it in place pause Pause using goop. It's pause goop. Slime mold awfulness. Yeah, yeah. I'm starting to take this idea. I'm going to take a position of being anti-going to Mars.

Yes. I'm going to take a position of anti-going to Mars. And my position is we only send people to planets that are better than ours. No going to any worse planets. Yeah. I think you're completely right, because also it's like using up so many resources, right? Making our planet worse in order to get to somewhere that's even worse than that.

That's right, because when you point... We should be upgrading. Yeah. Why are you leaving a relationship to get into a worse relationship? Yeah, it's like you're dating some, you know, Nigella loss, and then you're spending all your money so that you can hang out with Oscar the Grouch. Yes. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, okay. I was wondering if it was going to be Peter Russell Clark. Yeah, I don't know who that is, but that's a great guess. Thanks. That's an Australian celebrity chef from the 90s. Oh, yeah. There's a famous video of him swearing a lot.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Behind the scenes. So, yeah, this is the line that I've thought of for it. Because when you point a rocket at the heavens, you turn a flamethrower on earth. It's actually incredibly true. And so it's got to be worth it

Yeah Anyway That's a very good point Is that a riff on the idea Of when you point at somebody else There's four fingers pointing back at you How many fingers? If you point at somebody

I mean it's most it's three it's three right because you couldn't possibly bend that thumb all the way back what are you doing with the thumb if you can tuck the thumb back like that it's uh that's a miracle but yeah yeah but i mean really it's that's not an argument against pointing to people that's just an argument for doing like a five-finger point. Yeah, that's right. It's a huge... No, just change your way of pointing.

When you point the finger at somebody, you point four other fingers at that someone. Remember, it's a line that would... If we had only just been clever enough, andy we could have got it into magma when we talked about the five finger point but it just seems crazy for me to try to crowbar the five finger point a bit that didn't go all that well but we came but we but we kept it out of out of sort of dumb like uh what's that thing sort of uh you know that word bloody mind bloody mindness yeah uh you know we kept it in even though everybody only just endured it um but that would have actually been a joke that probably would have made it well but you what you got to remember alistair is the

show was running 10 or 15 minutes long okay we couldn Okay, we couldn't afford to go cutting out bad ideas. Or we might have not been pissing off the venue and all the other acts and trying the patience of the audience. Every night you've got to just remove our staff needs to leave.

No, no, there's no fat on this rump. No, no, there's no fat on this rump. It's skin and bone, baby. Andy, we actually have five ideas. Yes, this is good news. Speaking of trying, the audience is patient. Yeah.

And today's ideas come from Stu Mac Macone. Macone. Oh. Can you believe? Stu Mac. Is that of the What the Flick podcast fame? With Matt and Mac. Matt and Mac.

A podcast which I have done an episode, which I don't think is out yet, but is going to be about the movie AI. And we look at the poster and try to guess what it's about. And then we create a whole plot of the film. And then we then check out the plot of the film, which is insane and actually not that far off. Yeah, right. So you didn't know anything about the plot?

I didn't know anything. I think I'd seen it playing at one point during, well, I was at a bar and it was just on a projector on the wall and it seemed crazy. You know, Jude Law looks insane in it, I think.

And so does Haley Joel Osmond, I think. And so does Haley Joel Osmond, I believe. He doesn't look insane. I'd forgotten he was in there, yeah. Does he play a little robot? Is he a little robot guy? That's right. You are correct.

And so, well, Stu, Andy, I don't know if you know about this, but Stu is a listener, and Stu has submitted three words from that very listener, Stu Mack. What a coincidence. What the Flick podcast. Yeah. And I was wondering if you would be interested, nay, excited about the idea of perhaps guessing those words.

Yeah, I'm champing at the bit. And the first word that I would like to submit is champing. Champing. Is it champing? I always thought it was chomping at the butt. Well, I mean, that also conveys enthusiasm of a kind. Yeah, the kind, I mean, that also conveys enthusiasm of a kind. Yeah, the kind, you know, a shark has towards somebody in a glass bottom boat. I am absolutely chomping at the butt to get started.

So, okay, you said glamping? Is that what said no you said champing sorry i'm sorry andy that is not the correct word the correct word is free free free um okay my second word is my no andy the second word is not my. It is turd. Free turd. Well, now it's very clear what the third word is, Andy. And so I will allow you now your moment of glory while you get this third word correct. Free turd. Bobsled?

Oh, Andy, a swing and a miss. A swing and a miss. I mean, he sent it right over the plate for you. The third word is glistener glistener not not list not listener glistener glistener free free turd glistener turd glistener wow i mean the fact that we don't um eat things to make our turds glisten you know a special kind of like uh glitter shit glitter shitter yeah so that when you do poop it out it is all sparkly that's right yeah or even feels or even at the very least a a little device you know i love a little device

you put on the ring of your anus i love a a little device, yes. That laminates the poo as it comes out. Oh, wow. In a sort of sparkly contact, you know, and it looks like you're ready for the first day of school with that shit. And it shrink wraps it and it seals it in and then you don't need a toilet, right? Because you can get rid of plumbing now poop anywhere you mail it you mail it to the to the to the sewage plant to the sewer

where a guy with a box knife slices them all open and tips them into the toilet there that's right oh so they just have a toilet there and then he flushes it and it goes into the toilet there. Yeah, that's right. So they just have a toilet there and then he flushes it and it goes into the next room. It seems crazy that we all have toilets. This is a subscription service. It's sort of the opposite of that who gives a crap toilet paper mail-out service. This is one way you actually mail the turds

back to their head office or whatever. They deal with them there because it seals it as it comes out then it removes the need for the toilet paper so what the crap that company has to pivot into a laminating sort of a

an asshole laminating machine this is such a good idea, Alistair. But we have, you know, obviously the... Now, what do you do with urine? Eh? What's that? What do you do with urine? Where does the urine go?

What do we do with urine? Maybe we pee onto a huge hot metal plate and the urine is evaporated. Oh, yes. And then the crystallized urea is scraped off with a barbecue scraper and a guy comes around in a urea van and you run out to him with the bin. With your dustpan. He plays green sleeves.

Yeah. Well, everybody has thermal solar. Yes. So thermal solar becomes the, you know, a thermal solar dish becomes the standard way of everybody powering their homes. Right. But there's just a little ladder set you know not a ladder either a ladder climb up or some stairs and you climb up and it's big metal plate so it also acts as a urinal a urine evaporator yeah and so you just put it in there i mean you could even yeah i mean it could

even be the liquid that gets boiled by the turbine, that turns the turbine. They're perfect. You know, like that. And then, obviously, then there's the scraping and the urea collector, the guy who comes and you bring out your little dustpan. But that'd be fun. He's kind of like a little medieval guy.

Yeah. He's pushing a cart. Yeah. He's kind of like a little medieval guy. Yeah. He's pushing a cart. Yeah. He's wearing a... Ringing a bell. For some reason, he's got a turquoise kind of milkman's outfit. Urea, man! Urea, man, is here!

Like that. Yeah. God, that's good. God, that's good. Have you got any urea? And he's on a government contract, you see. And so he's the only guy who's allowed to, you know, he pays for a license, for the urea license to collect urea.

And he's sick of people who treat and deal, you know, make stuff with their own urea. He says, well, you know, technically, you know, I'm the only person who's allowed to collect this. You know, this is how I make my money, selling it to the, you know, the urea to the pharmaceutical companies so that they can make various compounds and things like that. So you're actually not allowed to use the urea.

So, and you haven't really been producing. There hasn't been much in your dustbin recently, has there? Yeah, what's going on? You're not processing that, are you? Are you drinking enough liquid? You know, what's happening? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Everybody says they're on

dialysis. Yes. Oh, yes. Every single person I cut to they all use the same excuse. I know, I've been on the forums. I've seen you people sharing that tip with each other. It's not going to work on me. Show me your dialysis card. Statistically,

statistically, tell me what are the chances of everybody in this street suffering from a late stage liver failure? Tell me that. Or is it, what is it, is it kidneys? Is it kidney failure-stage liver failure. Tell me that. Or is it kidneys? Is it kidney failure? Renal failure. I mean, what are the odds?

I mean, I'm not angry with you. I'm just trying to make a living, mate. This is just financial anxiety. I mean, jeez. You know, it's my job to collect the urea, but let me tell you, you're the one taking the piss, mate. Can I – you don't mind if I just come and check your dish, do you? I mean, are you just not scraping?

Are you just not willing to do the work? Well, you know it doesn't reflect as well, and you're not getting optimum power to your house. That urea doesn't reflect. It's a matte compound. It's crystalline. The whole point of the dish is that it reflects all into one point. If it's crystalline, it's the...

It's scattered. It's scattered. The efficiency drops off. It drops off. You don't want diffracted light there. You don't want diffracted light. It diffuses it. There you go.

Sorry, you're the fifth person in a row who said fucking... And I'm having trouble at home as well. I'm having trouble, yes, I'm sorry. I probably took it out on you. My wife, she gives me a... My wife doesn't like being married to a piss man. I mean, milk men, they would get to sleep with everyone. No one wants to fuck the urea, boys.

And yes, and I'm not being sexist when I say urea, boys. We are having a lot of trouble getting women to join this field. A lot of women. And there's a lot of promotional material talking about how good it would be for women. But they don't want to. Apparently they react poorly to all the urea dust that you breathe in. I'm not being sexist. Don't cancel me.

I need this. I'm an ally. I'm an ally. I want more being sexist. Don't cancel me. I need this. I'm an ally. I'm an ally. I want more women in it. I was trying to get my wife to do it. Anyway. Have a good day. Thank you very much.

Despite this, I'm sorry, I'm feeling a lot of stress. Despite this, I am very thankful. Thank you so much. I know it's not easy to scrape it off, scrape off all that urea. But you just think of it like mowing your lawn, you know. You just do it because you feel the pressure that your neighbours will, you know, think less of you if you don't do it. All right.

Anyway, I've said too much. You should get one of those ride-on piss scrapers. They're fantastic. They're actually really good. You ride it around the dish. It's basically a window wiper but with like a scraper at the bottom that you get to ride. You get one of those, suddenly everybody's clamoring to do it. The kids will want to do it.

Yes, that's right. It's like a, it's basically a dish Zamboni, but with for scraping. A piss dish Zamboni. A piss dish Zamboni. A piss dish Zamboni. Yes, I know you do get a lot of sunburn because of all the solar concentration in the dish, but you just use your SPF 100. Yeah, and the hat doesn't help, does it? No.

Because the reflection's coming up from below. You know what I do. That's why I've invented this new neck hat. Yes, well, I wear it. Essentially, I just use my dog's dog cone, you know, and a hat. Yes, I know you can't see a lot if you wear both. It's hard to see where the edge of the dish is. Yes, but you make a –

You're right. You're right. You're right. You're not wrong. I mean, gosh, but you make a slot. Make a little slot. Anyway, have you also got any mail to send? Because also I'm getting into that now because the urea is not really paying enough.

I've got that Auspost contract. Anyway, thank you very much. I'm sorry. Again, I'm sorry. And of course. So I think that's the sketch. Yes, the u's the sketch. Yes, the Uriah Mann sketch. Andy, well, it's been a while since we've been into a long act out.

So, I guess I'll take you through this. We do about one of those once every hundred episodes, I reckon. Yeah, maybe once every three and a half years. That's probably the third. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I remember there was one about somebody coming home to spawn like a salmon.

That's right. The key is that he's he's aware just about to spawn into the bath at their house where they were born and then i think they get eaten by a bear oh no yeah the key the key and then of course there's uh under a restaurant but uh and the key the key is that the people are very aware of their own shortcomings and they have an argument for every single one of them. And so it allows them to keep talking for a really long time. They're very open about their feelings. Gosh, you should listen to this podcast.

Every three and a half years, they have the longest riff. Man. It's worth it. You only have to do about 160 episodes. It's 160 sort of so-so episodes, but then when you get to that long riff, every about 3.5 years, and don't miss it,

you'll want to hear it as soon as it comes out. So get up to date. They're like prime numbers. I think they're actually showing up even less frequently. Less and less. Hosts are sort of getting more and more tired as they age and they have sort of a... What a ridiculous number of children now.

When they started, they had zero children and they were doing two episodes a week. And now they have four children each, six children each, and they can barely get one episode out a week. It seems to be later and later in the week that the episodes come out. Anyway, this is the long riff about how they get less and less long riffs. Every week, the episode comes out a week later than it did the week before.

Doesn't seem possible, and yet they somehow do it. That's right. Scientists are studying it at the moment, actually. The way that these men seem to be able to bend time. All right, well. All right, dog. All right, dog. I'll take us through the sketch ideas.

We got the one liquid body. That's where you choose a liquid you know it could be blood blood seems to be there like the right one you know and then you make all the liquids that the body produces to just be blood or but you could make it piss i'm not saying that you couldn't have a piss man i don't think i don't think you could make it piss. I think you would have to make it blood, because blood is the sort of the fluid from which all other fluids are just merely derived. So it would all have to be blood. Maybe, but I mean, piss is there for carrying nutrients, and you know what oxygen is?

It's a real nutrient. I don't think piss is for carrying nutrients. Yeah, I mean, it carries excess nutrients, doesn't it? I mean, they're waste. I don't know if is for carrying nutrients. Yeah, I mean, it carries excess nutrients, doesn't it? I mean, they're waste. I don't know if they're still nutrients, if they're a waste product. Oh, well, I thought... Maybe you're right. I thought poo-poo was for waste and pee-pee was for excess nutrients.

Maybe. I don't know. You know, you could be right, Andy. But then, you know, why do people talk about how good piss is to drink, you know? I hear them whispering it every time I close my eyes to sleep at night. You walk down the street. Why do they say that stuff? Every person, why are they always telling me?

Why are they whispering or saying it to me with their mind? Piss is good to drink. It's really good for your body. Then we've got penis with a fingernail. Then we've got sort of on the Beethoven ear to the floor model, we've got

the tasteless chef tongue to the floor concept. Then we've got a service where someone can find enemies and sort of be paired up with them. I feel like maybe we've come up with this idea, but I do like it. And then we've got the old Eagle Kid Lift program as an eagle saving program. Then we've got the Biological Hole Patcher.

This is a guy who sits in the bottom of a faculty, a sort of biology faculty, and he comes up with new species that could cover many extinct ones. Yes. Then we've got the goop cover slime mold to help maintain our dying nature until we can fix the climate. And then we've got the ongoing, only going to better planets philosophy that's not a ton of an idea but it's you know it's a it's a something that i want to remember then we've got the asshole

laminator so that you can post your feces get rid of your toilet it's a whole new room you free up in your house can you think about that you just this device allows you to free up this whole room and then you see all the dumb shit that people do in that tiny toilet room right and they're like i've just put a study in here and then like they can't open the door because you can't fit a desk and a chair um anyway and open the door and open the door and the fan is really awful because when you turn on the light it's always connected to the fan anyway not always not always but you know we'll we'll cheat it sorry i take that back i'm walking that no no but we'll cheat it we'll film one that does oh good make it seem like it's more universal than it is because you know what i think about the

audience fuck them yeah no you establish your premise. And then... You create the world. I don't care, man. I'm biased, and I'm not afraid of who knows it. And then we got, of course, finally, Uriah Mann in this decade's long riff. I'm biassed, which means I have two asses. Oh, biass. I'm bi-arsed, which means I have two arses. Oh, bi-arsed.

I'm bi-arsed. Bi-arsed. Wait, what are you saying? What is that? I'm bi-arsed. Bi, like bicycle. Bi, meaning you're having two. Yeah, bi-what?

Biased? Oh, biased. Bi? Okay, biased. Biased, bi-arsed. Biased. Yeah, By? Okay, biased. Biased, by-assed. By-assed. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

So it's B-I-A-S-S-E-D. Yeah, or A-R-S-E-D. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's cleaner. Yeah, mine is. Oh, yeah, yeah. An R.

The R, I guess, is the shit on the ass i mean that's genuinely what i hear arse it sounds when you say that word it sounds like there's shit on that ass the r is the smear on the ass it's aier ass. It's unwiped. It's a hairy ass. Unwiped ass. But, you know, you choose what you want to choose. You know what? I think you're right. I think you're right.

I think I picture the same thing. An ass is smooth and it's been cosmetically enhanced. And you can put it on the cover Of a nice magazine But an arse That is something you see Accidentally as you leave a pub And you're drunk Yeah okay

So I guess we gotta We gotta end this podcast We'll go to the music and then we'll do the raps I love high pitch music thank you so much for listening to anything Tank that was really good of you thank you so much

what you continue to do for this podcast by listening is really remarkable. Alistair. Yes, Andy? You've got a show coming up.

Everybody should buy tickets now. Alistair Trombley, virtual no relation. And there's some lines in there. I'll tell you what, there's some lines. And wherever you are, buy a ticket. Doesn't matter. Wherever you are. Feel free.

They're not geo-blocked. So you can buy a ticket from anywhere on Earth. You can buy tickets, and they are letting you into the country these days. This is how desperate I am. I'm going, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got to import people to get people to see this show. There doesn't seem to be enough interested people in Australia. We've got to start bringing in international. I'm thinking about offering a green card to Pacific

Nations to anybody who buys tickets. A Pacific audience scheme. Yeah, it's the Pacific audience scheme. It's very good. Andy, and you are doing all sorts of stuff. Baby on the way. Baby

real soon. Baby on the way. That maybe real soon baby on the way that's all you need to know i hope the audience enjoyed the first and probably last long riff of the 2020s yeah and could be could be or this could be coming or this might be a turning point maybe we're about to become a long riff podcast yeah Yeah. We have to change the name. Kick it in. The riffs are kicking in. Yeah. Long in the riff cast tank. Yeah. Long in the riff tank.

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