Two In The Think Tank - 371 - "KAHOOTERS"

Episode Date: March 4, 2023

Wet Hole Bowling, Brain transfer Murderer, Single Letter words, Walking Fish Riders, Kahooters, New 90s Slang, Man Baby Man.Tickets for Al's comedy festival show are here: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall (No Relation)Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Sex ideas. Did you just say sex ideas? I was definitely trying to say sketch ideas, but I think I might have said sex ideas.

It's a great idea for a podcast. I wonder if we would have got 300, how many is this? 368 episodes out of. 71, I think. 371 episodes out of coming up with sex ideas. How many sex ideas would that be? Thousands of sex ideas. Yeah, I mean, all you got to do is just take the ideas that we already come up with and add a little sex.

And then you have sex. You go to a restaurant under a bowling alley, over a bowling alley, under a police station. You get fucked, didn't you? Somebody wicks your dress up. What do you think of this as an idea? A bowling ball, but all the holes are wet. Like it's a squishy, it's like a squishy, like a, like a, you know, like a meatball.

Yeah, I don't know. I think maybe they just squirt a bit of moisturizer or lubricant into the holes before you. I like, I like, it's like a meat, it's a giant meatball. And the bowling kids are carrots. That's too silly. Hang on. I don't think you could use the phrase

too silly in the context that we're talking about here. Okay, but like if it was, let's say... What if they're bread rolls? What if they're those Italian breadsticks? Yeah, and that's what I was about to say. Yeah, it's like, and then at the end, however many you knock over,

it's how many sandwiches you get to make with the big meatball. Yeah, great. And the guy carves up one of the bowling balls. But they also let you in this. You can get dressed up if you pay an extra 10 bucks, right? You can get dressed up in like a plastic bag suit. Like it's basically just like a, it's just a body suit,

but it's made out of plastic bag material and they let you slide belly first. With your mouth wide open. Yeah, but with your tongue, like, licking up the meat grease. Yeah. At the end of the night, whoever's got the highest bowling score. The winner. Yeah, the winner.

Oh, that's a good thing. Does the chef say that's a spicy meat bowl? Yeah, the winner. Oh, that's a good thing. Does the chef say that's a spicy meat bowl? Or is the whole venue called maybe the pasta bowl or something like that? The what? The salad bowl. The pasta bowl.

The bowl. The meat bowl. Meat bowl. It's just called meat bowling. It's just called meat bowling It's just called meat bowling Meat bowling, meat bowling I feel like the word ball and bowl probably have the same origin There's just some dude with a weird voice Who was the splitting point

Who sent them down different paths in life To become what they've become today Which is words that are largely still very connected. Andy, I think that, you know, there is still a place for wet hole bowling. I think. I mean, I think it would make sense that there is some lubricant in the hole so that the ball can slip out of your hand when the time is right.

Are you picturing water-based or oil-based? Or silicon-based? I think I'm picturing graphite. I'm picturing dusting. A nice dry wetness. That's what you get with graphite. It's a nice dry wet. Like a dry Riesling.

Yeah. Yeah, indeed. You know, when people say, it's hot, but it's a dry heat. It's raining, but it's a dry rain. Yeah. That's a new thing I'm going to start saying. I haven't worked out the context yet. Yeah.

Maybe you could say it on a sunny day or a cloudy but rainless, but not raining day. I guess that would, yeah. I think that's the one that makes definitely the most sense so far is just an overcast day. But it's a dry rain. How long until that guy gets murdered? That's a great experiment.

How long could I do this before I get murdered? How long can I tell the same joke in a small rural neighborhood? Yes. Right? You know, where people will definitely get away with it. But I mean, the thing is you're still going to be murdered

by someone close to you. It's going to be your beloved, almost certainly, who tires of that first. They're going to bear the brunt. They're going to be right there at the coalface listening to that joke day in, day out. I know, but they they why would they kill you when they could get the joy of leaving you i mean that's that's the case with almost every every um

oh sorry okay yeah um sorry sorry oh by the way speaking of domestic murder um Oh, sorry. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, by the way, speaking of domestic murder, I am doing a comedy festival show this year that has nothing to do with domestic murder. But, you know, maybe some of my domestic life will appear within it. The show is called Alistair Trombley Virtual Nourchell No Relation and it's at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival this March and April. March the 30th till April the 23rd.

Buy tickets now from, you know, either in the description or by googling my name and then the comedy festival. And I think I like that a lot Alistair When we When seconds before we started The recording I said would you like to Plug your show before we start

You said yes we counted down From five to One as we do we hit go And then you went straight into the song and into the episode I liked how quickly You changed your mind there I didn't change my mind i just forgot straight away that i mean forgetting is a is a changing of mind

that'd be a great that'd be a great line in a movie so this is a movie right where somebody's somebody's had their brain switched with a that a murderer, of a horrible psychopathic murderer, right? Like a Freaky Friday kind of situation? It could be, could be, but I think it's funnier if it's an actual brain transplant, right? And they – somebody walks into, I don't know, their office where they work, right, with a gun or a big machete. A big machete is probably nicer, right?

And somebody behind the reception desk says, Tom, I thought you weren't going to come into work today. And the guy with the big machete or whatever says, I changed my mind, right? Like that. Isn't that good? Yeah, but then that means that he is he about to murder again within this new body after having gone through all that

he's not he's got the brain of a murderer in there now he wasn't a murderer before i know but that's what i mean right so? So, like, did the guy murder? So, like, you know, did the guy, the murderer then, like, first murder, right? Then so that he could get away with it. He then put, you know, he then put his mind into another guy's, an innocent man's body. Yes. Head. And then put the innocent man in there who will get arrested, assumedly.

Yes. Right? And then. He went to the innocent man's workplace for some reason. Work. On a day he wasn't even supposed to be working. Yeah. And then he says, I changed my mind in a very threatening way, suggesting that he was about to murder again. Yes.

And then have to go through the probably very painful process of the brain transfer into a new body. This is what happens. So he's on death row, okay? Yeah. And he – but he's going to be hung. He's not going to be electrocuted, right? So his brain might still be functional for a bit after after death right after the hanging and he bribes the doctor who does the post-mortem or whatever to switch to

to put his brain before he before he dies he bribes the doctor i don't know why the doctor has the incentive to still go through with it if he's already got the money but this doctor his word is his bond right and so he's promised this evil murderer that he will transplant his brain into an innocent man's body and and and he does so maybe it's his brother the that is more successful brother the doctor the doctor, that's really good. Or maybe the murderer had some sort of hypnotic hold over him. But it is a great way of still getting to murder a lot. If you've got lots of money for major surgery,

and you have a willing surgeon who's trying to perfect the method of brain transplant, be the sort of the leading figure, and then possibly a brother like that, then you can just keep murdering and then just getting away with it. And then your brother just puts you in a new body and so then after the first murder all the other bodies will have have have had recent sort of like you know skull opening kind of surgery the police inspecting the scene it looks like he had recent skull opening surgery do you think that could be connected in some way wait is that the person no wait so that's not the person who dies, but that is the person who committed the crime.

Well, what they're doing, this is the murderer who, what they're actually doing is they're killing people and then they're having their brother, who's a doctor, put their brain into the body of the person they just murdered, right? So actually, and then they leave the old body behind and they go body to body brain hopping like that wait wait they put their brain into the body of the person who they just murdered yes that's right and bring them back to life somehow but it's a way to it's a way to wait to remain one step ahead dies but it's a way to remain one step ahead.

But it's the person that kills dies. So doesn't your plan end after the first one? The person they killed dies. No, the person that did the killing is now dead because their brain is in a dead body. Well, the doctor's also good enough that, hey, hey, mate. Well, maybe that's it. You're just getting your brain put from person to person. I'm sorry about my dog. You're getting your brain put from person to person, okay,

and maybe that's all it is, right, but leaving a trail of dead bodies with no brains in them, right, but your brain is going. Okay, right, right. You're not swapping with somebody oh yeah what's up yeah that's right yeah that's right yeah but isn't no but isn't no no because the brain of the person who who whose body you just took you're putting that brain into your old body and letting them take the fall well okay you can do that as well i suppose i wasn't i wasn't necessarily because then they're not chasing any further you know yeah but but if you're doing that then there's no body for them to there's no no one's been killed right all you're doing is just switching brains everywhere this is because you're

also murdering somebody so you're so you're like you're going to his work he's saying i changed my mind i'm assuming you're killing the receptionist yeah i think you are right and then you are going and getting a body transfer then you get that person to to you know go out into the world the cops catch him they arrest them right and then and then you're starting a new life as this other person and then you kill again uh maybe i'm still not i'm still not completely sold i'd love for him to just be putting his brain from body to body keep going because his brothers just needs to get a certain number of trials successful trials of this of this brain transplant thing so that he can get it on the pharmaceutical benefit scheme so that he can get it listed on medicare and then get less money for it um i think when things are listed on those things

They still get the same amount of money It's the government that makes up the difference But what's in it for the guy If he's not murdering then The guy who's getting his brain transferred from body to body Well I mean I feel like in a way he is getting to murder the person Whose body he gets into

Especially if their brain gets pulped or something like that I mean, I feel like in a way he is getting to murder the person whose body he gets into. Especially if their brain gets pulped or something like that. Not put into the old body. So this is where you and I have a philosophical difference, Alistair. And we'll have to go our own separate ways. Make different movies. Possibly. But then your bit where you go, I've just changed my mind. Yeah, well, that's not going to work.

That doesn't make sense. And I'm basing my whole version of this TV series, which, by the way, is sort of like documentary now, but it's like a six-episode special on different serial killers. Oh, great. Yeah. With just really difficult to explain. I think that's actually a really good idea.

People love those serial killer documentaries. I mean, is it still... So there's this guy, there's the previous victim murderer, the guy who kills his next victim using the body of the previous victim? Beats them to death. There's a similarity between these two, but let's not overthink it. I think it's a really good idea.

Yeah. The Mind of a Madman. That's the name of our series. The Mind of a madman. That's the name of our series. The mind of a madman. Okay, the mind of a mad person. Yeah, good. That's nice. Then women can do it as well.

That's right. Can be a fucking psychotic weird. And non-binary people. I apologize. That's right. I mean, gosh. People can do anything now um i was thinking the other day about because i was you know i'm trying to get some more bits together for this comedy festival show and then i was trying to find and i couldn't find the script

that we wrote for this sketch show based i think on an idea that we had on here, right, about somebody who, creating a company that creates these products that are a toilet, but it's for your tears, right? And so you can just go into these public toilets. I couldn't find this script anywhere. Well, that's because I called it the Ball Boy, B-A-W-L, Ball Boy. You called it the what? The Ball Boy, B-A-Ww-l like bawling your eyes out you would have been searching for the wrong terms the key terms but i couldn't even find you know the like

even toilet uh urinal really anything like this yeah it wasn't coming up but um but anyway and then and then about it's probably the only time i think during this that season of writing on the sketch show that i i got i was like i got really emotionally involved and it's just a an interesting view into the the life our life where it's like i was like andy there needs to be a regular sit-down toilet for somebody to be able to cry into you know if you want to have a big cry you know instead of a number two cry obviously logically it makes sense that there would be one and that it would be at head height yeah and i and i kept And I kept saying, yeah, but no, not in this sketch. And I was like, oh, that seems insane. It got really tense.

And, you know, if you're going to have urinals, people crying into urinals. You've got to have somebody crying into a big toilet. I mean, have you ever been into a public toilet that doesn't have a traditional toilet? And you kept saying, why are you rejecting the possibility of an extra joke in this sketch yeah yeah and i can't remember if i had a reason but if i did i stand by it but yeah if i didn't right now it seems like you're making a very good case and i wonder if you've actually now with the benefit of hindsight and with a bit of time you've been able to finesse your argument make it sound much more reasonable than whatever you were saying the last few months this is why my comedy festival show is not a hundred percent ready because i've been working so hard on this

on this freaking speech that i was going to give on episode 371. I've been relitigating this with a team of very expensive lawyers, sketch lawyers. But anyway, so if anybody ever wonders if me and Andy have a tense relationship, at times, at times. It's occurred. And it can be based on a crying toilet-based joke and the different types of ones that you could have. Actually, after we had that disagreement,

Alistair did go and cry into a big toilet. That's right. He had a big sit-down cry. To prove a sit-down cry. That's right. A number two cry is what I call it. Well, you're calling it that now. You weren't calling it that at the time.

If you'd brought up that terminology at the time, I think that would have probably swayed me, Alistair. That's a new addition, calling it a number two cry. Andy, it's okay. I accept that I was also being unreasonable in that you had sort of spent. I didn't say it. Wait, wait. What do you mean also? I didn't say I was unreasonable at any point.

No, I mean, you know, because I think you were also taking this line. This is very toxic sort of gaslighting re... No, but I think you're probably taking this line where it's like, well, look, I don't really care, but I don't think it would have this. I don't necessarily like it for this. Anyway, I should have thought of number two. I can't remember. But I do remember that I felt like I had a reasonable position.

Yeah, I know. I think I wanted to find it because I wanted to be able to go back and track the changes as it happened that maybe that would tell the story so this wasn't was what's this this genuinely has nothing to do with writing your show does this have anything to do with writing your show i thought that well this could i thought that that could be a story and then the story of how the script changes. We've had some tense times. And this is why maybe I think that maybe you're just using this new baby thing, this new baby story as just a cover for why we're not doing Comedy Festival together.

And that really it's about the cry toilet thing. The cry toilet event, which occurred a long time after I told you that I wasn't going to do. If it wasn't for the cry toilet thing, I would be doing a show with you within the month after my new son was born. Yeah. While working full time. Yes. That's right, Andy. Well, but you refuse to hear reason,

so now we've got to come up with more sketch ideas. I think there could be an anecdote in this about the disagreement. We'll see. I think it helps. You could tie it into the time when you, you got into a fight with your ex-girlfriend by showing her a picture of a caterpillar. That was the,

that was the biggest fight we ever had. And I think, I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here, but she did like, it got to the point where she would like, she was so angry that she was like, I hate English. I think it's a stupid language. Oh, wow.

You're going after my mother tongue. How dare you? One of my two mother tongues. The other one is a mare tongue. Oh, yes, that's right. A mare long. You have two mother tongues the other one is a man oh yes that's right long long yeah you have you have two mother tongues that's very um very progressive of you yeah it's very yeah it's a very snake like to have a sense of a sort of a a forked mother tongue i was thinking more along the lines of two mums you know know, two mothers.

Two mums, yeah. No, I know. I think, you know, we can both go different ways. You went political, I went visual. Visual. You went herpetology. Whenever you see the word herpetology, Alistair, do you always assume it's got something to do with herpes?

I've never seen the word herpetology. Okay. Well. What is it? What if I texted the word to you right. Okay. Well. What is it? What if I texted the word to you right now? Then you will have seen it. And then we can move forwards as equals. Okay.

Hang on. Okay. Let's go. Here we go. Because I would hate to have some sort of. But I think it's still very much a master and slave relationship, you know, with you in the position of the educator and me in the position of the lowly sort of student who has to accept your word on what this means. Herpetology, that looks like it's about herpes.

Yeah, maybe studying like the contours of herpes, maybe mapping it or something like that. But it's not, it's the study of snakes and lizards. Ah, yes. What name would you give that? Serpent and apostrophe and reptology. There aren't. Serpent reptology. There are. Serpent, serpent reptology.

There aren't that many scientific terms that utilise the apostrophe N form of and. Yeah. I think we should bring it in. Shouldn't the apostrophe N, shouldn't it also have an apostrophe after it as well? Because you're dropping the A and the D. Shouldn't it also have an apostrophe after it as well? Because you're dropping the A and the D. I mean, that is actually should be entirely,

should be entirely adopted by the wider public as correct English. Because it is the most, yeah, it is the most efficient way of writing and. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're just really giving it the meat, aren't you? Eventually we could just drop the apostrophes. I mean, fuck it. I think we could drop the apostrophe right now. The letter N by itself at the moment has no other meaning, right?

Like there's a very – we talk on this show about how we're not using enough single-syllable words. There are so many single-syllable sounds that haven't been ascribed meanings. But there are a whole lot of letters. There are a whole lot of single-letter words that also haven't been ascribed a meaning. Like, t. T. Yeah. Like, there's only really A.

And then there's I. Mm. And then, is there any others? I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think. T. Re. Toys R Us.

That's another one. That's another one we could very easily convert. Yes. But also, I mean, even after we've done this, there's going to be a few others lying around, like D and P, that we don't have anything. We're not doing anything with them. These are like OG domain names or something,

or like Twitter handles or something. I can't believe that this resource is just sitting there. The government should sell them. It's the same thing with you. You's another one that's just there ripe for the picking. We use you all the time. We could turn be into, you know, being. Like not being, but, you know, to be.

I mean, we're only dropping, losing the letter there. It'd be great to get one really big word brought down into a single letter. See, this is what I'm thinking. A very common, a very common big word. What's the most common biggest big word? Yeah, I was just pondering that phrase. What is the most common big word yeah i i was just pondering the that that phrase what is the most common big word commonly used big word different difference um um maybe it's an animal maybe it's an animal that we uh deal with no i think most of the animals have got quite nice

short names don't they they're common're common animals. That's good. They got in early as well. Snaffled themselves a single syllable name. Not like the Mexican walking fish. If we domesticated the Mexican walking fish early on, there's no way it would be called that. The amount of man hours that we would lose to just saying, just talking about. I mean, imagine if we just ate. I mean, that's got to be the best fishing one to get, right?

To go fishing, you just go stand by the water and wait for one to go out, and then you've cornered it on the land, right? Yeah, you outrun it. You outrun it, yeah. Chasing it on the land, right? Yeah, you outrun it. You outrun it, yeah. Chasing it on foot. It would seem almost fucked to use a rod because it would take it so long to crawl itself over to the bait laying in the sand, wet sand.

I wonder if we would have, if we had domesticated the Mexican walking fish, would they be sort of bigger, stronger? Would we have turned them into a beast of burden? Would we be riding them? I think we'd definitely have a bit more meat on them. Oh, yeah. A colony of people who ride Mexican walking fish.

Yeah. By then, they'd be Mexican galloping fish or something like that. You'd hope. You'd hope. You'd want to get above a walk. Or quick sliding. Maybe roads would be a little bit more like lined with plastic and covered in water. And when you left every house there'd be just an elevator to sort of like a six level platform with a water slide.

And you'd just get on your Mexican wet fish, whatever it is, walking fish. And then you'd just get on the saddle, strap yourself in, hold on to the reins, go down the water slide, and then zoom real fast. You'd just join all the others. Man, I would. I'm obsessed with water slides for a guy who never goes on water slides i think about them all the time and how all my happiest times have been on water slides and how i wish i lived in a society where water slides were the dominant form of transport. Yeah.

And so you would eventually try to find a way of getting, trying to like, as a person in this society that we were just talking about, would you be trying to get the Mexican walking fish out of there so that you could just be riding it on your bum bum? I'd be saying, hey, this time you get on my back. Yeah, right. Yeah. The little flippers just hanging over the side yeah

yeah like do you think it'd be super gooey over your head like that but do you think it rests its head on your head i think it would have to i mean i don't think they've got a lot of choices about where they put their head doesn't feel like there's a lot of flexibility there you know you know the fun fact that pigs can't look up at the sky yes i do know that fun fact yeah that's not true oh are you serious yeah i mean there's no such thing as fun facts anything that's a fact and that it's fun it's is a is a fict yeah right that's really interesting yeah that's uh that's my thing that's a really fun fact actually yeah because i mean think about it they can just move their eyes up and also they can move their head a little bit and also they can just see the sky in the distance and they could probably like if they were climbing up a hill or something,

small hill, put their hooves up on a log. That's right. And they can also turn their head to the side and just look up like that. You think give it a little bit of side eye like that, you think that would do it? Yeah.

I guess if they twist their neck, yeah, then one eye's pointing up a bit more, probably. Man, they're probably sick of the sky. They see it so much. You think they're sick of it. Yeah, I think you're probably right. Yeah. I mean, except they probably never see it suit, like, you know, it never envelops their whole vision with both eyes.

I reckon. Unless like somebody picks them up and just points them towards the sky. They're probably also not able to see it if they're living in a horrific factory farming environment. So there's some truth

even within the least true of fun facts, the most fictive of fun facts. There's a little bit of fact even in the fict of the fun fact. In the fict of the fact. So there you go. um so there you go yeah um in terms of pigs like i think that it's it feels like you know people do have them as pets yes and i think that they do seem like a big improvement on the current types of pets that people generally get i think they're probably better than dogs yes i think they're probably they're definitely better than cats um they're

definitely better than mexican walking fish yeah see whenever i whenever i try and picture a a pig pet i'm always picturing them a filthy but of course you just wouldn't have a you just wouldn't have a filthy one you just wouldn't let it be filthy well you could let it be filthy as well but like but you would clean it before it comes into the house yeah great you know so and and i think i think you want an animal that can outsmart you a little bit yeah you think the pig is the one i thought definitely Pigs are unbelievably smart. I think, I told you, they have human eyes. You look into their eyes. Did you have some sort of bit about a pig

peering through a glory hole or something? Did you have that? Yeah, I used to do that. That if you just saw it through the through a glory hole as a pig was just looking on the other side yeah you'd be convinced that it's a human yeah did you have a bit about like what like the what would what what is the glory in that situation the real glory is realizing you know that we're all we're all the same. I don't know.

We're not that different from the animals. You know what? I didn't have that at the time. All creatures are. We're all in this together. I don't know. Oh, yeah. I don't think that, though.

I think that we're against some creatures. Yeah, that's probably true. Yeah. I mean, what about this Japanese encephalitis? Do you think we're working together in cahoots with that? They've got our best interests at heart? I don't think so. Yeah, I don't know if we're necessarily

in cahoots. You're not saying we're in cahoots with all nature? No, I never would claim're in cahoots with all nature no i never would claim that cahoots that's a fun word with nature i'd love to i feel like i want to be in cahoots with somebody just so that i can i mean i guess if you're in cahoots you don't refer to yourselves as being in cahoots that's a that's a that's something that's placed on you from outside. Nobody ever approaches somebody else and says, do you want to get in cahoots? Do you want to cahoot with me? Yeah, I think you and me are in cahoots.

I think we might be. Yeah, I mean, really it's two cahooting in the think tank. Two cahooters. Yeah, two cahooters. A couple of cahooting in the think tank. Two cahooters. Yeah, two cahooters. Couple of cahooters. Yeah. That'd be a good name for a sort of a Mexican, no, not a Mexican, an American sort of burger joint. You could call it cahooters, right?

Caboody? Cahooters. Cahooters right kabooty kahooters kahooters oh kahooters sorry and so and but but you don't have sort of women with big breasts wearing tight tops no no you don't have um you have very you have i guess guys with mustaches that they're twirling. And they pass you the menu and maybe all of the food in brown paper bags. Sure. I mean, could there be two waiters at all times serving every table at the same time? Because they're in cahoots. I guess so. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. I guess so. Yes, because that's alcohol and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now.

For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. I don't know if it's just Kahoot. I don't know if it's necessarily Kahoot if you're just doing. I think you've got to be up to something. I know.

I guess you're imp doing, I think you've got to be up to something. I know, I know. For it to be cahoots. Yeah, I guess you're implying cahoots. And I'm just trying to really show it, you know. I'm not sure that the burger-going public are smart enough to be like, ah, yes, the mustache twirling. And also, you know, as time goes on, the workers will just slow down with the twirling and they'll probably find cheaper bags to make that'll be clear plastic or whatever. But I think a themed restaurant where you could go and pretend to be having covert meetings and it's all hush-hush. having covert meetings and it's all hush-hush.

Lots of things are getting passed under the table and, you know, you're hiding your faces behind the menus. And this is the thing. They've designed it in such a way that all the seats are facing the door because, you know, when you're a spy, you've got to sit facing the door, right? Yeah. It's a very impressive, very interesting sort of geometrical shape they had to work very hard to achieve it yeah yeah so how does that work because it's like all of the booths wait but which way is it like are you side-eyeing are you side-eyeing the door

or is the booth because not both people can't face the same exit, right? Well, yeah. I mean maybe you won't be able to sit facing exactly your person or maybe the restaurant is a sphere and you're all strapped to the outside of it. The entrance is through an interdimensional portal in the middle of the sphere and your dining partner is strapped to the opposite side of the sphere now i feel like you know something about this arrangement might undermine some of the other spycraft elements of the of the experience so you've just got to decide what your priorities are how important is it to you at this place that everybody can face the door for For me, very important.

Yeah, of course. And you won't let go of that very point. And it's key to the sketch. And there can't be any regular toilets in this themed burger joint. That's right. It won't make any sense. Only urinals. High urinals.

All the menus are in code. Urinals, high urinals. All the menus are in code. But are the types of code in some way linked to the type of food? Okay, wait, I have to, there's a child waking up. I'll be back. All right, while you're gone, I'm going to try and think of a code that could be linked to – I mean, I don't know a lot about codes. I'm thinking, what is there, the Enigma code?

This is going to be good. The Enigmatic Mac and Cheese. That's one of them. I don't think about the time. I overthink these. Okay. Cypher. Cypher.

Cypher. Fair. Cy. Cypher cypher cypher cypher cypher I'm something in that that's about lettuce I haven't worked out what it is yet um I I haven't got very far with this um coming up with codes that are that are linked to a very difficult challenge for you. It's more of a task that you would give chat GPT and then you would just be like a bit underwhelmed with the results and then you'd go, all right, whatever. Yeah. Forget that idea. People, have you played around with it at all, Alistair?

Yeah, I played around with it a little bit. But I just find it a waste of time a lot of the time. Yeah. Has it provided anything interesting to you? Or is it all just kind of like, huh, oh, yeah. I think when I tried to write a thing about, I was trying to write a little sketch. I guess this is a complicated idea,

but the idea was that it's me who i guess i'm claiming to be a seaboat captain yes um i'm taking a call while i'm on stage during my comedy festival show because i do a bit of seaboat captaining on the side yeah uh and then somebody calls me from i think river, Riverboat Captain magazine. Yeah. Right? And so I was trying to write a sketch that was entirely from my, you only hear my side of the conversation.

Yeah. And I was trying to have an argument with this person based on which is better, being a seaboat captain or a riverboat captain. Yeah, sure. And so I think maybe the only thing that I got that was useful from it was, I guess, some things that, you know, just like basically a dot point listing kind of features of rivers and features of oceans. Sure.

Yeah. You know? So some of the differences between the two, because I mean, it has them arguing when it writes it, but it's not in any way interesting. But occasionally those sentences, I can see how I could turn that into a joke after a little bit of work.

So it's just raw materials that you're... Yeah. Like, I mean, I think, look, this is... If I was to open my document here, I think I got rid of most of the chunks of stuff. This is basically what mine boiled down to at this point, and I didn't think it was enough yet. So it goes, on phone, hello?

Yes, this is he captain a riverboat i'm sorry but i'm married to the sea and then he would say something and then i would say hey that's my wife you're talking about and then fresh water i think you'll find the ocean water is just as old as river water. That's not that great. And then he goes, yes, you can. You can drink seawater. Water and salt, two things the body needs to survive. So I didn't really get very far. Yeah.

But, you know, I was trying to get it because I felt like, hey, that's my wife you're talking about was the thing I was building this whole thing around. Yeah. No, that's definitely something. Yeah. That's my wife. I think it's because I had a lot more stuff written into this thing. Yeah. But then somebody else got access to the document and I felt embarrassed about having all that stuff in there.

It must be. Chat GPpt looking motherfucking shit it must be um it must be awkward when you are a uh married to the sea and you go around to you know just someone's house and they're just a you know a fan of like dramatic photographs of the ocean and they've got all these photographs of your wife looking all flustered like that. Yeah. No, of course. Looking all hot and heavy. It's a little bit awkward, but it's actually more awkward for the person who has the photos

because I knew who I was marrying. Yeah. And I wasn't going to pretend they were anything else. and I wasn't going to pretend they were anything else. A lady who doesn't mind being photographed or painted or anything like that, you know? You don't hook up with Naomi Campbell and get upset about people ogling at her. It's one of the features, in fact.

Andy, do you ogle? Do I ogle? Big ogler? Ogler's anonymous. Isn't it interesting that the website that most of us use on the internet is, if you read it properly, it's called Go Ogle.

And what do we do? We type in the names of people we want to go ogle, and then it brings up pictures of them, and we go ogle them. That's right. Type in the C. And then I go, oh, I just got a few photos of my wife. Your wet wife. Go Ogle. Yes. wife your wet wife yes how are we going for sketch ideas

I want you to know that I have a little bit about Google and this might make it in go ogle I'm so sorry go ogle I've started listening to episodes of Two and the Think Tank again and then I just write down anything that is said that is funny and you know what Andy Go Ogle. Yeah. I've started listing to episodes of Toon the Think Tank again,

and then I just write down anything that is said that is funny. And you know what, Andy? I don't say that many funny things. Turns out. Alistair, you know that, like, for me, if I say something and you are interested in using it a bit, that is – I get a very good feeling inside my body well that's great it's a little bit sick and a little bit sad how good i feel so me writing this show at the moment is really close to that sketch idea we had a long time ago about like a a um

a comedy duo and then the the funny one dies and it's just the straight man left trying to continue a career i think we if we've established anything alistair is that we're a comedy duo where we're both the straight men and if we work very very hard sometimes we think of something funny something we think of something funny yeah yeah look like that i like that um all right wait let's see we got one two three four five ideas we actually do have five ideas i mean most of them are business ideas but they're good business ideas i mean not a hundred percent good i would say i mean one is just yeah i mean, one is more just like a grammar suggestion. You know?

So, but anyway, well, let's go in. I think the words often, you know, really stimulate us and they can sometimes lead to more than one sketch idea. words often you know really stimulate us and they can sometimes lead to more than one sketch idea what if you if there's such a thing as a grammar nazi is there such a thing as a grammar french resistance well i do uh i don't know about the grammar i mean at the moment i am doing a bit where there is a grammar allied forces oh wow there you go um but i'm probably you've probably already told me about that, and I'm just repeating it back to you. No, I mean, maybe.

But, you know, I mean, the grammar French resistance, if I knew more about them, I mean, because it does also make sense, you know, like this idea that they would, I mean, how would that work? Like the idea that you're playing with the French resistance, but you're speaking English as well. Yeah. Already it seems. I mean, English does seem like its own type the French resistance, but you're speaking English as well. Yeah. Already it seems. I mean, English does seem like its own type of French resistance.

Yeah. I think the ultimate French resistance is being English. Is being what, evil? English. No, it doesn't. Oh, yes. Don't think about it. That's not making it in. So today's words, Andy, come from a listener. You know, people can join the Patreon. They can suggest three words from a listener. They often choose themselves as that listener.

I wonder if anybody ever submits words from somebody who isn't a listener, but they submit it. Yeah. You know what I mean? They go, hey, grandma, can you give me three random words? Like you don't have any living grandparents, right? No. Is that right? No. I'm so sorry.

Thanks for bringing that up. No. But I feel like- Are you nagging me? What is the oldest person we could get? Like it'd be great to get some really old words from somebody. Yeah. I think now when people submit three words, and submit some three words we have some right now but also submit side tank ideas yeah because for the for the book um because we always need more of those but anyway we've been having some fun in the side tank recently it's a

good it's good yeah we have a lot of fun in the side tank. I'd love if when people submit their words, they tell us the age of the person whose words they're submitting. Firstly, it gives Andy another guess. Another clue. Another thing to guess. I could either tell you before or after you hear the words,

you could guess how old that person is. I think that's fun. I think I'm hoping that eventually this will be an all-guessing podcast. It's a podcast called Guess, in brackets, not the genes. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've been suggesting something like that.

Haven't I? I pitched you my guestimates. What is it called? Guestimates. Guestimates. Yeah. You're doing guesstimates. You're guessing.

They're your mates. They're also guests on the podcast. Actually, as soon as you say guesstimates it sounds like it's already I can already see the rules of it so you're basically guessing a number that's close to actually we might have been involved in a game

or maybe not were we involved in the making of a game that was similar to this no but I well I don't think so, but I have pitched it to you. Do you think we were involved in a game? Remember that board game that we were involved in? Sorry, we're having

just regular conversations. No, I don't remember that. No, no, I mean, remember when we wrote that thing for Cut? Yeah. For that other board game, but then they had us do another, they trial another board game that involved numbers, like you had to like get closer to some number or something like that wow i wonder if i've just regurgitated that idea then uh probably no it's not exactly oh no you

wanted to guess the number of people who guess oh man i don't know I don't know Alright, it's all good Apologies for bringing this up in What is it? It should be probably an off-pod conversation I'm not editing it out I think having an off-pod conversation That is this boring

Is quite good for the listeners To let them know that we're making some effort on the podcast. I think it brings into stark relief how the value that they're getting by not having to listen to us in real life. Yes. My goodness. The experience the listeners get versus the experience my children get of who I am.

Oh, man. I'm so sorry, my children. I want to be the father to you, child of mine, that I am to our podcast listeners, but I can't. I want to be a father to you that I am a podcast partner to Andy. I think recording podcasts for your kids to listen to because you find it difficult to have proper conversations with them. I think that's a funny idea.

Just a family podcast. Today there was like a little meet and greet at the school after like the school. So we went and there was going to be a barbecue and stuff like that. My kid just like, my kid wanted to go to the toilet. And I was like, yeah, just go to the toilet. But I was just like, no, come in, come in. And it was going to be like a long trip in there and i was like i just i don't feel comfortable going into a kid like a big kids school public toilet but then i was like well there's another one that's just a single toilet over here and and so it took me to that and we went in there

and i still didn't feel comfortable because i just felt like people were coming and knocking on the door because they wanted to use it and things like that and so i'm just like i'm just getting real anxious in this kid's toilet and i'm like i'm like we're not having a good time i told you i told you this wouldn't be good this told us was gonna be a fun time anyway it was a good time. Good time having a bad time. All right. The listener today is Andriana Genualdi. Andriana Genualdi. I would like to say what I say every time. We are genuinely thankful

for your support and for these words. Thank you. And for these words your support and for these words thank you and uh andy would you like to try to guess what the first word is okay the first word is roofing roofing roofing oh very close. This is big. The word is big? Yeah, the word is big. Okay. Big nose. Big nose. No, Andy. That's a weird choice. The second word is

Ben. Big Ben. Big Ben. Big Ben Russell. Big Ben Energy. Big Ben. Big Ben Energy Big Ben Big Ben Okay so What is it? It's a clock

But it's a bell There's going to be a twist on this That's going to throw the whole thing into a new Hilarious light Everything's going to change when you hear this third word Big Ben Lasagna? Baby.

Big Ben baby. So this is a baby that goes dong every hour. That goes dong. What was your joke that for some reason that sounds like a way of saying big big ben may be big but it's still the smallest clock i've ever had diarrhea inside of was that your joke yeah yeah that never worked except for one night and how'd it go on that one night when it worked actually the one night might have been the night oh no i don't think it was never mind um i felt like you were very close to having an epiphany there well i found out that one of our listeners brayden

um had been at one of the weirdest shows i'd ever done if stand up in a very small room at the forum in melbourne where it felt like i think like i was it was mostly there his family i think and almost nobody else maybe two other people but there was also like i felt like they weren't 100 getting me but they were they were laughing but it felt like there was also like i i felt like they weren't a hundred percent getting me but they were they were laughing but it felt like there was like a two second delay on the laugh if this is if this was actually brain i'm not sure and so i felt like i was like freaking out on stage and i was going what is happening but i'm not sure if I'm just misremembering this whole experience.

But I remember there was one other comedian in the audience and I had to keep looking to him going, am I being weird? There's a delay, right? What were you talking about? A baby? That was a very early prototype of a Zoom gig, you know? Yeah, we were doing a Zoom real life.

When you were talking about a baby donging every hour, for me that sounds like a piss. It just sounds like slang for taking a slash. Donging. Donging, because you're just using your dong, you know? Yeah, I suppose you're flopping out your baby dong. I mean, that's amazing that dong and, like, you know, like I was donging my wife the other day.

That's good. Like, that sounds like that should have been 90s slang. Yeah, what happened? What happened? The 90ss they missed a trick you don't when you hear that don't you go like you're uncovering 90s slang that that just didn't that just wasn't you know didn't get discovered at the time i think it would be good maybe in the future with supercomputers we'll be able to do like a simulation we'll be able to simulate the 90s again but under different circumstances and

it would be great to simulate the 90s where dong and becomes the dominant slang for sexual intercourse and see if you know how things play out you know butterfly effect styles you know what happens to um uh bill clinton and monica lewinsky what happens um do you think it do you think it would have replaced boink i don't think anything could replace boink boink is fun that's right i don't i i did not don't you know what was it i can't remember that big ben baby i mean imagine if big ben did have a baby though imagine if that big old clock just one day people went and there was a baby there. Realized that it was. Then would it fall out of the bell?

Yeah, I mean, does it emerge from the river? Does it tumble from the top? When I say Big Ben, I'm picturing the whole tower, by the way. No, you're picturing like the clock face opens up, the baby squeezes out and it falls to the ground something like that shatters all the earth oh you're picturing it's a clock rather than a human baby or part human part baby um yeah i mean part human part baby that's an interesting Due to an accident at the lab, man baby is created. He's part human, part baby. He has the strength of a baby.

The time-telling abilities of a giant clock. No, there's no clock for this guy. He doesn't have a heart. Oh, right, right, right. Wait, what is he, man baby? You said part human, part baby. You weren't listening to yourself, and you accidentally said the phrase part human, part baby,

and I was imagining a superhero mutant freak who is part human and part baby. Well, that's good. Yeah. Like part adult, part baby? I mean, I think it's funny to say part human, part baby, because it implies that babies aren't human. But I think you're right.

Probably he would have to be part adult, part baby. And, yeah, I was imagining, I was trying to work out, would he have the strength of a baby or the strength of a man? Would he have the legs of a baby? Maybe, I mean, maybe the arms of a baby is quite funny. Could he have the chubby arms and legs of a baby? That's very good, actually. He has like a fat fold on his wrist.

Yeah. But he's got the face of a man yeah right and i guess the torso of a man i guess the i guess the torso of a man yeah um and rip absolutely rip dabs but then but then do you picture that he propels himself using by shitting does he no i wasn't but like maybe he he walks you know he sort of toddles maybe he has to scoot around the edges of things yeah so how does he how does he so he is fighting crime yeah yeah yeah and it doesn't it wouldn't help him but i guess he would have i'm trying to think of any advantages that he might have he's unpredictable

like a baby he has the advantage unpredictable unpredictable because he can't move like an adult. Right? And I think, but he still has the will of a man. Right? He has the will of a man, but he's got the physical, he's got that thing where babies can't 100% control their body, but sometimes they're right on. Yeah.

Sometimes they just clock yeah he'll he'll miss right but also the other people will miss because he's moving so you know in a way that isn't that doesn't follow any regular famously hard to hit babies well i mean you know you gotta you're putting a it's like you're putting a, it's like you're putting a, you know, like a, you know, a computer, a computer in a, you know, like a high powered supercomputer into the body of a puppy, you know? I agree. I was going to say that. Yeah. Okay, wait.

Okay, so man baby. Man baby. Man baby man? Man baby man. Yeah, wait. Okay, so Man Baby. Man Baby. Man Baby Man? Man Baby Man. Yeah, great. I mean, I'm not sure about this idea, but I feel like also you could do this as a cartoon, as a comic book.

About what? As a comic book. You could do it as a comic book. I think you could do it as a TV series about superheroes. I'm going for full tv series i think a prestige gritty one as well i think i think you should make it really gritty yeah yeah i like that yeah oh fucking so gritty but his arms are so smooth and so nice to touch. And his head smells so good.

Even though he does have an adult head, he still has that baby. He shampoos. He uses a really nice shampoo. Oh, that's right. That's what he does. The show is so gritty, but his little baby bottom is so smooth. He has a baby's bottom that's right he has the ass of a baby yeah that's the one other bit but he has the dick of a man

so sorry i'm sorry i don't think it's i mean i don't think it's, I mean, I don't think it's wrong. It's just, it's just close. Yeah. His arms aren't young. They just are baby arms. That's right. Yeah. And I don't, I don't think it's problematic in that way. Yeah. Perma baby man.

No, perma. I do love a perma, perma prefix, but it doesn't work on this one. Okay. Alistair, you better take us through the sketch ideas before. Oh, perma. I do love a perma prefix, but it doesn't work on this one. Okay, Alistair, you better take us through the sketch ideas before. Oh, wait. Oh, we're not going to come up with one more? Okay, we can do that. We can do that. I think we're done.

I think that's big bed, baby. Yeah, we've done long. Yeah, right. Thank you so much, Adriana. Thank you, Adriana. All right, Andy, we got either the meatball bowling Or the wet hole bowling Great I mean I'd call those two separate ideas

I'd split them I'd split them I'd call those two separate ideas I've split them with a Slash They're not getting their own line It's a slushy Now we got the brain transfer Serial murderer Yes It's a slushie. Yeah. Now we got the brain transfer serial murderer.

Yes. This is from our series, The Mind of a Mad Person. Yeah. But then it's actually about... I changed my mind. I bet that's already been done. I bet that's already been done in something. Yeah.

And it's probably too big of a ripoff from face off when he said, I changed my face. Oh. And then there's the single letter words. That's a great sketch idea. And then we got the Mexican walking fish domesticated and ridden. Yeah, great. And then, of course, there's that water slide society that we... That we dream of.

That we dream of that is within this sketch. And then also you as play yourself in it as a protester trying to change the society, ditch the fish. And of course, try to be a society that continues to use water slides, but that you write on your bum bum. Right. By the way, Andy, this is my one problem with water slides. It's when they put the different parts of the slide together at the joins. I always feel little bits of my skin

get pinched a little bit as you go over it. Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. That's why I'm a big fan of tube water sliding in a big tube. How's that different? Surely those have to be joined together? The tubes? No, you sit in a tube.

Oh, you sit in a tube. Oh, okay, right. But also I want, I just want them to make the water slides in a factory that's bigger than the water slide and they do it in one mold. Right. And then they transport it to its location on an even bigger water slide. It slides down. It's a water slide. It's a lot of slides.

Yeah. The factory location is where the water slide park is. Wow. They just, they just, they just literally throw it out the door. out the door and then you just get on the water slide. Get on. You get on one of those fresh water slides, those factory fresh water slides. Still warm. Still has that new water slide smell.

Oh, Christ. Would you do... Eddie, what if I told you? Yes. You and me were going to do a nude photo shoot. And then when you said, there's no way, I would say, no, no, no. It's going to be all done whilst water sliding. Oh.

I mean, that's potentially way worse. You've got a whole week free at the biggest waterslide park. You have run of the place. Yeah. But, right, but you have to waterslide nude

and they're gonna take lots and lots of photos of you. It doesn't feel like a deal that's being made with my best interests at heart. I'm a little suspicious. Well, but I'll be there too. Yeah. No, but Andy, you get to ride all the water slides as much as you want. This is going to be your only chance to get this much water sliding.

And there will only be released one calendar. Oh, okay. So they'll only pick 12 photos. And they want to be able to sell these calendars. So they're going to try to pick nice ones or very funny ones. Yeah. Hmm. Okay. Yeah? Would you do it? I'll do do it i'll do it i'll do it all right great thank you i'll call

my guy um then we got the kahooters which is the secret meeting themed burger joint great have you made a note of go ogle uh yeah i have made a note of go ogle yeah um then we have uncovering undiscovered 90s slang like dong and these are these are people who are like uh paleontologists but instead of but instead of sort of brushing dirt, they're just flipping through. They're flipping through sort of old, you know, like 90s heartthrob magazines. Yeah.

And they're just, what they're undusting is words that pop in their head. Right? Because they're immersing themselves in 90s culture and just seeing whatever pops up and if whatever pops up isn't relevant in any way to anything that's happened in the last 20 years that's what they know right then they that's how they know that i think we should all just start pretending that we used the word dong in the 90s and start just, you know, drop it into the like retconning it, like into our nostalgia, like all the stuff that was about the Greases in Greece.

They didn't actually behave in any way like that in the 50s. That was a later imagining of what life was like in the 50s when like it was all just created culture. We can do the same thing. Dongen. We'll do it with Dongen. We'll make a movie. It's like Greece, but it's called Dongen.

Yeah, we were Dongen all night. The word Greases, to describe the people in Greece, that word didn't exist in the 50s. We were just like the hunch front of Notre Dame. We were Dong like the hunch front of Notre Dame. We were dong-ing at two. Man, I hope people tuned out a while ago. I hope they stopped listening. I'm so sorry. And then we have man, baby, man, superhero.

Man, baby, man. All right. Look at that there. What is it? Is it a baby baby is it a man do you think this is the episode where we lose all of our listeners i hope so as soon as they all we walk through but it's like we walk the a-cast anyway thanks to everybody for listening we're going to go into the song now. Ding, ding, ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Thank you so much for listening to In Think Tank. Bye, thanks to Alistair's show, Alistair Trombley-Burgell, No Relation at the Comedy Festival. Sure. You never know what, it's going to be incredible.

It's going to be incredible. You might even hear something from the podcast. You might even hear old podcast royalty, Alistair Trombley-Murchell, doing Andy Matthews bits of things that he doesn't remember he said on the podcast. Andy's going to be involved in this show whether he wants to or not okay and thank you we love love you bye i do love you bye it's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything.

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