Two In The Think Tank - 372 - "CENTAURNARIAN"

Episode Date: March 12, 2023

DIY for hire, Renoirvation, Loathe triangle, Alien/Spy Comedian, Working classy, centaurnarian, horse rock climbing, James Bong, discomfort bondageTickets for Al's comedy festival show are here: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall (No Relation)Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello, everybody. It's me, Alistair Trombley-Birchall from the Two and a Think Tank podcast. I am here to say that I am doing a comedy festival show called Alistair Trombley-Birch at the international comedy festival in melbourne australia um it starts the 30th of march and it goes to the april 23rd and it's gonna be like the kind of shows that i would do with andy but not quite as good because i don't want andy to think that i don't need him um and so that you know i'm gonna come along and watch and sit in the front row reacting emotionally to the quality of the show that's right yeah and so then but then speaking of shows that i've done with andy me and andy and have teamed up with stupid old studios

which we are directors of, and we are going to release some of our old comedy festival shows on the Stupid Old Studios YouTube channel called Stupid Old Channel. And then we will release Magma

next week for everyone on the YouTube channel. It's the same place where you can get Gamey Gamey Game. It's out from behind the paywall. And also, what is Beck's new project? It is Comedians Cut My Hair. Comedians Cut My Hair. And apparently there's a new episode of that coming up soon.

So go there to check that out. But then the week after Magma is released we will release Teleport which actually nobody has seen yet except for me, there's a little clip and so that will be out there and then you can watch it and enjoy it and then use it as promotion to

stimulate your own interest to come and see my live show at the Comedy Festival, this is the longest promo we've ever done. Except for when Andy tries to promote one thing. And you think, God, I'd love to see this, but without Andy in it. Man, you're the perfect audience for Alistair's oeuvre. I would love this without the complicated sentences that Alistair forces Andy to read,

to do as the lines, because I can't say them. Or I can't say them in a way that is satisfactory to Andy. I also can't say the simple sentences in a way that is satisfactory to Andy. I mean, you're making it sound like I am this impossible taskmaster, but, I mean, really, I just want the words, the key words of the sentence to be said in the right order, Alistair. What a slave driver. And speaking of Stupid Old Studios, next week we are recording some live comedy specials there

with a line-up of comedians, including Alistair Tremblay-Virtual. And if you watch the show, which won't be out by then, on the channel, and you think, I'd love this without Andy, and also I'd like it in a different format where I only want a little bit of Alistair, then you should definitely buy a ticket. We'll put a link below this. You can come along to Stupid Alistair's and watch some live comedy. It'll be great. Oh, my God.

We've promoted for so long. This is like the longest we've ever done. All right. We're going to – Hello and welcome to Two of the Thing, Take the Show, where we promote things. We just promote our other projects. I don't know if you heard me do a sound, right? But it was almost the exact opposite of the sound that appears at the beginning of Home Improvement done by Tim Allen when he's not in his Buzz Lightyear role, where he would go like that.

And that's an outward sound. And I did it inwardly like that. So, you know, I mean, I guess the pure way it could have been opposite. I would have gone like that going in still. Yeah. You know, I mean, I guess the pure way it could have been opposite, I would have gone like that going in still. Yeah. So if you hate home improvement and you program television shows, maybe consider getting in touch with Alistair to ask if he has any ideas for sitcoms, maybe one called Home Disprovement or Home Wrecker.

Or Out in Public Disprovement. We'll work out the name and then we'll work out what the show is. Look, we may as well figure out what the show is now and use it as our first. It's about a guy who's trying to get along with everybody in public. And he's trying to come to terms. No, he's, I guess he's trying, he's very effeminate. You know, because he, and he's coming to terms with. How well he gets along with his teenage children.

How long he gets, exactly. In public. In public. What about this? It's DIY. Australia is a DIY nation. We love a bit of DIY. What if it was for some reason.

What. What if it was for some reason – what if it's the government? The government is deciding to – they're building a new parliament house, new government house, new parliament house, buildings, but they're doing it DIY. They're building it themselves. So the prime minister and all the ministers of the government are building their own parliament house. It's a horrible idea. It's a horrible idea.

It's a horrible sketch idea. I was just trying to think of what is the opposite of DIY, right? And I went to like, so do-it-yourself is when you build your home yourself. It's for private people to build their own private residences. What would be the opposite of that it would be public figures building a public a pub doing public works to building a building and then i i said what i just said to you and then i guess i guess the opposite of diy is just paying somebody to do to do it but then but then mixing mixing the two ideas together,

if we're trying to get quantum here, rather than just going for opposites, one or zero, I guess the opposite is one zero, which would be paying somebody who doesn't know how to do it to do it for you. Yeah, right. So hiring somebody else, another unskilled renovator. Yeah.

To, yeah. And it's cheaper. It is. Yeah, well, that's good. It's cheaper than paying a professional. You know what's cheaper than paying a professional? A paid DIY. Yes.

It's called DDIY. Don't do it yourself. Yes. It's called DDIY, don't do it yourself. Yes. And then I guess the opposite of that is yourself being a professional and then not doing the work. Is that right? Yes. Yeah. Or doing the work in an amateurish way. I think when you hire somebody to DIY it, though, what you would need to do is you would need to hire a couple, right,

to come and live in your house and renovate it as if it is your house so they do a full renovation going through the emotional journey of renovating the inevitable struggles. As if it is theirs. Exactly, the inevitable struggles that result in their relationship um you know that it's it's filthy they have a very limited budget of course that's a great thing about it because you know if you could get somebody else to doi your house for you they have an incentive to keep the costs down well i mean they already have a limited budget

because you're paying them so much less well a regular. Well, yeah, I mean, that definitely adds to the verisimilitude, certainly. Oh, man, we've got to start using that word a lot more in this podcast, verisimilitude. Yes. Did I say it wrong? Very similar attitude. Very similar attitude. Yeah, verisimilitude. Verisimilitude. Verisimilitude. That's one of those words where somebody sat down one day and was like,

what's the most fucking complicated word I can justify coming up with? I can tell people it means something. Yeah. Okay, wait. Look, can we just say it's the higher, like, how would we just say, you know, higher DIY? I mean, I don't personally 100% need the them living in your house i do yeah and where do you live during that i think you're still living in your house as well but they're okay they're playing out the renovation thing around

you right and you sort of you work them, but they're there living amongst you, ignoring you, treating you, I guess, like a ghost in your own house. You get to feel like a, you know, like you're haunting your own house. They don't acknowledge your existence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But your house is doing a self-renovation. It's just not yourself doing it. Yeah, I like that, Andy.

I like that. I like this ghost, you know, thing. I think we'll be able to get people who love horror movies to watch this sketch now because of this ghost feature. You know, I think I like the way that you're integrating more genres into this sketch idea. Could one of them solve, you know, be sitting in a sort of a dark PI's office, you know,

with light just coming through some Venetian blinds, maybe in the house, maybe that they've installed, partially incorrectly. And then somebody comes in and they say that there's been a crime that they need them to solve. Yeah, great. Or a fella done them wrong and they say that there's been a crime that they need them to solve. Yeah, great. Or a fella done them wrong and they need them followed.

And that way they can use this. A dame, a real classy broad. And then using this money from the PI thing that they're doing on the side, they can get a little bit more money to finish, to complete the renovation. money to finish to complete the uh the renovation i need to solve this crime so i could finish the bathroom be great get paid you know yeah it's i mean how could this how could you like it it would be great to have a barter system where you're a private investigator and you're trying to get your house built without having to exchange any money. So you need to find exclusively contractors who've got some sort of mystery they need solved. And then as you make progress on the mystery, they'll do more work on your tiling your bathroom. Every time you have a breakthrough, they

do another square meter of tiling application. So you have to come to them with your new breakthrough and then before revealing what the breakthrough is, have to barter out

a new part of the of the Yeah, that's right. I i was like all right well i think you're gonna want to give me a full sink out of this and install it and do the plumbing on the sink and maybe even the cabinet is that new genre of films it's called Renovation and it takes place in an imagined universe where there is no money but

people exchange services and follows a private investigator trying to finish their house makeover yeah and so he's got he's got his wife on his back about getting these Renaults done,

but he's also got to satisfy the builder to get him to finish the thing. And so there's a real work triangle. A nice work triangle. A nice work triangle. A nice hate triangle. I'm in a hate triangle. I hate somebody, but they don't hate me. They hate someone else.

This is a new thing I've come up with. It's a hate triangle. My enemy doesn't dislike me. I loathe them, but the feelings are not reciprocated. They loathe another. Their bile is given to another. I need to... Their bile is poured upon.

Now, how does this work? Okay, so wait. Poured upon. Now, how does this work? Okay, so wait. A love triangle is when I love somebody, but they love somebody else who loves me. Is it better to call it a loathe triangle? Do you get more out of it? Having a similar, slightly similar sounding word?

Yeah. I think, Andy, if you can get anything out of this that feels good okay so we've got a loathe triangle um so for example okay so um i mean this you keep trying to do things to win their loathing yeah but it's it's it's never enough they still they still feel either indifferent or maybe indifference would be progress they really quite

like you, they find you charming they like you completely I mean it could be somebody who is you know actually quite it could be like a person that you're in a relationship with who you realise that you don't want to be in a relationship with anymore. And you're trying to get them to end it because you're also a coward.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. But then there needs to be a third person in the loathe triangle. So then they love you, but then they hate your new neighbor, Cynthia, who they're jealous of and they think is trying to steal you from them. But actually, Cynthia hates you. Cynthia hates you. Because of how you keep your lawn and yeah okay great and uh you know you park your car in front of her house um and uh things like that for some reason when i initially before no you hit me you hit me when you liked it before mine's nothing mine's nothing you go no initially i was like

trying when i first thought of a loathe triangle i was thinking it's like oh i i you know i hate a person um oh no no i think i was gonna say i hate a croissant because it does weird stuff to my tummy, right? Yeah. So maybe I'm gluten intolerant or something like that. But then I couldn't find a way in which a croissant would hate a person. I mean, you certainly made a rod for your own back there, Alistair, by starting off the idea, hating an inanimate object. Yeah.

by starting off the idea, hating an inanimate object. We're trying to hypothesise a new form of relationship called a loathe triangle. And it's already hard enough to work within the constraints of that system, but to make one of the vertices of the loathe triangle a croissant is... It's a thing that can't feel...making it so unnecessarily extra level of difficulty yeah i'm gonna complete this analogy on god mode which means i just thought that you know probably like in a way that you could maybe make a croissant using almond flour or something like that to actually get through this problem for this guy. Maybe you could also substitute something for loathing

that the croissant could do, you know. The croissant version of loathing. I mean, giving you an allergic reaction, would that count? That could happen if you substitute almond flour. Yeah, that's true. That's true. But then that's still not really a feeling that's coming from the croissant. The croissant experiences.

Yeah. It doesn't mean you're ill. Yeah, that's a shame. Well, I mean, I think that, okay. Then I challenge you to come up with a better version for us on Loathing. I mean, look, you know, to come up with a better one is very difficult than coming up with at least something that seems like anything. Yeah.

All right. Well, look, I've written down loathe triangle. I've also written down barter renoirvation. I thought before when you said you completely like someone, I thought that was a very funny idea. The idea of it's, you know, when you love somebody, you might love everything about them but but the idea that you would like somebody and like everything about them without without that tipping over in any way into love but that you i don't know. Or even like unconditional like a little bit.

Yeah. I like that person a little bit unconditionally. I'm partial to them. Unconditional. Unconditionally partial. I would favor them in a small and significant choice without question.

I want to spend a little bit of time with them always. Yeah, man, while we were talking before about the noir renovation thing, I had a little idea that made me feel really happy. Yeah, man, while we were talking before about the noir renovation thing, I had a little idea that made me feel really happy. And I've since... But you wrote it down. Just read it off the piece of paper that you wrote it down on. No, I didn't, Alistair. Eh?

No, just, Andy, just read it off the piece of paper that you wrote it down on because, of course, you know that no idea will stick in your head at any point. This one I hate. The other night I woke up and I had an idea in my head for a perfect two sentence story that would be like completely satisfying in two sentences. Forgot it. I was like, I don't need to write this down. This is so good. There's no way I would forget this. Gone.

Yeah. Could have made me. Could have made me. I could have been that. I know. I know. You could have been better than that two-sentence guy. You know, you could have been better. Because, I mean, you know, people would have thought, well, remember how that other guy wrote a story in one sentence?

Well, this is twice as good. This one's a long read. This one's for if you want to stick around. This is the extended. If you've got an afternoon off. I've done a Reader's Digest version of that baby shoes never worn. Never worn one. It's just the words dead baby.

What do you think of that? I mean, I guess you'd actually don't need... I mean, I guess if you'd just written... Oh, yeah. I was about to say, unworn dead baby's shoes. Poor sale. Dead baby. Never lived. Do you think it's not a story?

If it's just like... If it's just... I mean, if there isn't anything that you unpack in your head? Well, I think you do unpack something in your head with that one, don't you? Oh, not with, yes, but with one where it's just like the words dead baby, you're saying that perhaps that's not a story. I mean, technically dead baby does have a story to it And there is something that gets unpacked, you know.

What if it was this? Yeah. A baby, the words, a baby, and then brackets, dead, close bracket, right? Because that's exactly the same version as, you know, for sale, baby shoes, right? So far, so normal. Even fine, even cute, right? Even adorable. Brackets never worn, right?

Suddenly sad. And this is the same. Baby brackets. Dead. So sad because, you know, they were gifted so many shoes at the beginning and the babies grow so fast that they just didn't get around to putting these ones on. It's a story of waste.

Yes, the tragedy of, you know, and all the things that you get given because people focus on the baby, which is the cute, exciting thing, but really it's probably the mother who needs more care at that time because she's devoting so much of herself to this newborn child at the expense of her own identity. Oh, great, more things for the baby.

Thank you so much. What do you think would be a nice gift for the mother at that period of time? Shoes? Mother shoes. Mother shoes. Never worn. It's also sad. Oh, no.

I bet also. What about this? But for sale, baby shoes, really worn out. Now, babies don't walk. Babies can't walk. What's going on? The soles are worn through. From all the running that baby's been doing.

Yeah, that is also pretty spooky. It is spooky. I think that's very spooky. Really worn out. Worn by a man. Stretched out by the foot of a man. One on his big toe. And he would walk on point like a ballerina on his big toe and he would walk on point like uh like a ballerina on his toes but wearing

a single baby shoe on his like a shaolin monk you know those shaolin monks who do like you know they do push-ups on like one finger or on their thumb or something like that sure but their whole body weight but they these ones they just, they walk around on their big toe whilst wearing big, wearing baby shoes on them. But he also, for sale, mother's shoes,

some baby spittle spilled on them. Vomit is what I meant to say. You see? Yeah. Baby vomit on them. Vomit is what I meant to say. You see? Baby vomit on them. That means the mother never wore them, but the baby was alive and born. It's definitely less sad.

I think that means the mother died. Oh, okay. The mother died in child died. Oh, okay. The mother died in childbirth. Oh, cool. Yeah. You're right. God.

She was wearing shoes? Was she wearing shoes? You're not very good at unpacking stories, eh? She wasn't wearing any shoes. Did she have her shoes on? She wasn't a mother at the time. She wasn't allowed to wear these shoes. But they've got baby vomit on them, so the baby found

the shoes. Yeah, so while the dad's been raising the baby and trying to get rid of these shoes, he was doing a terrible job. He spilt baby vomit on it. He's trying to feed the baby baby vomit. A big bottle of baby vomit. I mean, that's what comes up anyway. What comes out? What's the difference? A lot of the baby vomit is just milk.

You can buy that secondhand. You're telling me that can't go inside a baby? Well, that's where I got it from. For sale, baby vomit. Still a lot of milk in it. Hardly digested at all. All right. Now, what are we doing?

We're driving people away, Alistair. We are thinning the herd. That is a great collective noun for listeners, by the way. A herd. A herd? A herd of listeners. Oh, that's good. H-E-A-R-D?

No, you wish. H-E-U-R-E-D. Like the French for er and er, erd. H-H-E-U-R-R-R-E-B-H-Space-H. H-H-E-U-R-R-R-E-B-H-Space-H. H space H. H space H. Just so there's no confusion with the other words. I don't like it when you ask how something is spelt and then people say it's spelt like it sounds. Oh, cunts.

Yes. Can you spell cunt for me? It's spelt like it sounds. Well, you sound like a cunt. Yes. I'll just write down your name then, shall I? I would never say that. Oh.

Shall I? Michael. M-Y-K-E-L. Or my M-Y-K-L. Right. fucko. Fucko is a good word. Fucko is one of the best. In the next Batman movie, the Joker should use the word fucko.

It feels like something he would say. Well, if we get darker, if we get even darker, the next Batman is going to be completely completely dark it's going to be a full black film no white they should have a they should have a an aussie version of the joker called the larrikin and he could he could call people fucko okay batman down Yeah. Still got all the same villains, but just Aussie versions. Yeah, that's right. Oh, we got the Riddler by this one. Yeah.

They go on with a couple of cheeky Qs. I don't know. Cheeky Qessies. It's Dave Hughes. It's Dave Hughes. We got... Dave Qs. It's Dave Hughes It's Dave Hughes We got It's Dave Hughes We got

You know You like the penguin Well you're gonna love You like the penguin Oh you're gonna love the ibis You're gonna love The fairy penguin Oh yes

He's He is He's tiny Matt Stewart did a joke about this He's like Oh you know you know, Aussie superheroes. And then he has, instead of Batman, they'll have... Wombatman. Wombatman.

And then he says, and then instead of... And then here's another one. Instead of Spider-Man, Redback Spider-Man. Nah. That was a great bit. And then he has the... That was a great bit. And then he had the Batman, well, he got Batman Aussie,

but he'll have the Aussiest name ever, Bruce Wayne. Yes. Which is perfect. It's very good. It's perfect. But this is a different bit. This is a completely different bit that I'm doing here. Sorry, I know. Which is about what if, instead of superheroes, what if supervillains were Australian? I know, of course. Completely different bit. This is a completely different bit that I'm doing here. Sorry, I know. Which is about what if instead of superheroes,

what if supervillains were Australian? I know, of course. Completely different bit. Andy, I know. And it's got the larrikin instead of the Joker and it's got Dave Hughes instead of the Riddler. And it'll be played by Dave Hughes. Yep.

Do you think Carl Barron is Australia's greatest comedian? I haven't watched much of his stuff, but it's consistently going viral. Oh, man. Yeah. Bits of his. I think I had a theory recently, because you know how I have my theory that being a comedian is a way of sort of crossing cultural and class barriers the quickest probably. Maybe a bodyguard is the other way, right? And so you can get access to the upper tiers,

the upper echelons of society by becoming a good comedian because they put you on as the entertainment during the White House Correspondents Dinner or something like that, that kind of stuff. And so if you were a foreign spy or an alien who has taken human form, the quickest way to get access to the upper echelons could be by, you know, having your spy agency or alien agency train you up,

help all work together to become a good stand-up. Well, this is – I mean, this goes all the way – Carl Barron is either a spy or an alien, and the reason – my other argument for it is that he doesn't hang out with other comedians. He's all on his own. I've never heard of him doing a lineup or anything like that.

I mean, I guess he doesn't need to. But yeah, you're right. I don't think I've ever even seen a show of his advertised anywhere. All he does is go do huge shows nobody knows about and go viral. That's right. And I even know somebody who was running a room and he walked by the room as the guy was flyering out the front and he goes, oh, we're doing a comedy night. Do you want to get up? And he goes, nah, thanks.

Why would a comedian not want to get up and do a comedy room? Oh. Because it's the daily. I've got a few ideas. I mean, this goes back to the gestures of your Alistair. Yeah, that's right. You know, of course, you could be some schmo, and then you get performing directly for the king.

You're crossing all those class boundaries. And I guess it's because rich people aren't funny, right? That's right. They're not funny. I mean, they're funny when they're really rich and they're completely themselves. Yeah, that's true. But not on stage. And they're also not prepared to…

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Have their peers laugh at them. That's right. That's one of the things

they hate the most. So they're never going to do it. That's right. The idea that I had before that I was so desperately trying to remember and I thought was great, it's not that great. And it's made me lose confidence in whether or not my two-cented story

was actually all that good after all. But my idea was like the word classy, right? You can talk about things being classy. But, of course, things can be lots of – unless you specify what class, we don't know. You could be, oh, she's very classy, working classy. She's very classy, sort of cube-like with one big hole that you can sort of go into and put a lot of drawings on her insides,

just paste it up on the inside of her skin. What are you talking about? Children's drawings pasted up on the inside of her skin. She's a classroom. Is that what you're saying? She's a lot like a classroom? A lot like a classroom. Yeah, she's very classy.

She's very classy, school classy. Yeah, she's very classy. She's very classy. School classy. I mean, this was a classy girl, I'm telling you. How classy? Well. Dr. Vinny Boombatz.

Write it down, Alistair. What am I writing down? What am I writing down? Well, if it were up to me, you'd be writing down the words working classy. Okay, yeah. But I don't know if that's enough of anything. So you could also write down school classy, which is a person that you can walk inside and have a class stick pictures up on the walls, children's drawings

up on the inside of her skin. Pice it up on the inside. I'll just write the working classy one because it's me just trying to fuck up a joke. You know my tendency? You want to fuck it up. Matt saw something the other day. I've been hanging out with Matt a little bit up a joke you know me you know my tendency oh yeah no you want to fuck it up like like matt had

matt saw something the other day i've been i've been hanging out with matt a little bit because of uh because we're we're trying to work on trying to i'm replacing andy and uh because we're both working on comedy festival shows and that's great um andy don't say that like like you really think that no i'm I'm just joking. I apologize. But Andy, Matt saw something. We saw a school called... It was something like, you know, Edward Bank, right?

It was a school called Edward Bank, right? Now, he thought that there was something in that, right? could only think of the the fucked joke right the joke that isn't really a joke it's like you see it as a joke and then i go oh here's what the joke would be is if you fucked it right you go so it's a school called edward bank whatever and you go i, what is it? A school or an Edward? Yeah, that's much less fucked than the idea of a person being classy and being like a classroom. And I think that's a joke. I think that's something.

Is Matt going to do anything with that? Is he using that? I mean, that's a joke i think that's something is matt gonna do anything with that is he using that i mean that was the joke i was like suggesting it but it sounds like one of those jokes that i would suggest and then and then the nobody in the crowd would laugh you know ah yeah sure the crowd oh so the crowd's gotta laugh now do they andy i am getting a tax return and it is one of the greatest things that's ever happened, right? You've received a tax return before, right? Yeah, yeah. And it is so

wonderful. And you know what's great about not having to pay money, but actually getting it back? That's tax-free, that money, by the way, as well. Exactly. That's the thing. You go, so I can just have this money? And they're like, yeah. And you go, and I donfree that money by the way exactly that's the thing you go so i can just have this money and they're like yeah and they go and i don't have to pay tax on it and they go it already

was tax you go oh and and just tell me i can keep all of it how about this though about how about this do i have to submit an invoice no yeah. We just put it in your bank account. You'll go, whoa. I don't get it. This seems crazy. Is that all out? You just paid too much. Fuck.

I made a good decision at some point. Wait, wait, wait. This doesn't sound like me. Alistair, I think the listeners deserve to know how much money you're getting back and it doesn't it's it's not okay it's actually not okay it's because the year before because during the the time before during the pandemic i had paid a lot because i had fucked around i this the the government allowed you to take out your superannuation and then it was at the beginning of the the the crypto bull cycle and then i started just you know during lockdowns or whatever i started seeking high dopamine things right high

stress things and so i started watching fighting so that every every week every day my body thought it was in a fight and so i was maxing out i was maxing out all my you know and when i wasn't doing that i was gambling with my future savings took out my my future like my retirement income yes and so i was putting that into um into crypto and just buying and selling and buying and selling and every one of those is a taxable event right and so money was going up money was going down money was going up i sold bought and sold somewhere. Like, you know, so every time it's... So I did that to like to the... Because it was like $20,000 that I took out of my super, right? And then...

But it was buying and selling. And that's my... Anyway. And so I bought and sold so many times it was like $250,000 worth of buying and selling. Oh, Christ. Like, you know. That's the total value of all the transactions. Yeah, the total value of all the transactions, right?

But out of that, there was a bonus, right? So there was like $30,000 that maybe wasn't lost. Yeah. But on that, because it's just buying and selling, you have to pay capital gains tax which is 50 whoa right yeah wow so a mixture of that and my a lot of my work being invoice based right and then also uh me hitting a certain peak point in income meant that i owed at the at the end of that tax thing thirty thousand dollars to the tax office that year before right and part of that was because i i went above a certain threshold

and i had to pay ten thousand dollars of my university uh oh wow right so so then i had to be like i gotta find that money but lucky i still had just like even though the crypto had already gone down, I could sell a bunch of that and then basically most of it and then pay off my tax. But the year after, because when we work in the arts, we have that weird tax averaging thing. So usually, you know, if you just have a really big year like that, I think that means that even though this year I didn't really make that much, I think I basically made enough to cover my tax with my cover, my income with my tax or whatever. Something happens in there and I'm getting, let's just say I'm getting like, like five grand. Um, and so that getting like five grand. And so that feels like a miracle. You're getting $500?

No, five grand. Why? I don't know. It feels very weird to broadcast. No, but I think, especially after that story, I think we needed to hear it. We needed to hear the number. Yeah.

That's really great. It's a little bit more... You didn't buy some crypto? Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling really good about it right now. I love it. I love it when heaps of exchanges are collapsing. So, yeah. Anyway, is there a sketch idea in that?

Let's see now Tax return Well What about somehow you could get A time return And all the time you spend Fucking around with stuff During the year

And then at the end You get like a week back And all the time you spend fucking around with stuff during the year. And then at the end, you get like a week back. I mean, how would that work? How would you be able to get, like, this would actually have to happen through a, this could happen if we had, if like there was a public vessel that we had, that was government owned, that the government could put you on, it's just a ship. And they could shoot it up into space and take it to close to the speed of light. And then you could go away for an extra week yeah and and come back and you know i guess they would make it work somehow wait i think if you went away close to the speed of light for a week for what is a week to you i think that actually you would come back and like 3 000 years would have gone by so i don't think that actually works would come back and like 3,000 years would have gone by.

So I don't think that actually works in the way that I was hoping it was. What if it gets you, slows you down to absolute? But I mean maybe that is getting you an extra week. If everybody else has aged by a week and you haven't, that is kind of like getting an extra week, right? Because that's an extra week of your life will extend relative to everybody else. It's not like you get to do any more stuff, but you do get to watch a lot of people die earlier than they would have otherwise. And maybe that's the greatest gift the government could give you.

Yeah. Outliving. Outliving everybody. I guess you just get to be a week further in the future. You get to dance in a few more graves. You get to... It's, I mean... Because, I mean, sometimes I could imagine, right?

I know that there's probably a lot of sadness in becoming a centenarian, 100-year-old. Centornarian. That's when you... I'm a centornarian. I have the upper body of a normal man. Centaur. A hundred-year-old centaur-narian. That's when you... I'm a centaur-narian. I have the upper body of a normal man, but the legs of a hundred-year-old man.

A hundred-year-old horse? I mean, I think just having the legs of a 100-year-old is very funny. Yeah, maybe a 100-year-old horse is pushing it too far. Yeah. I don't know. Centenarian. Centornarian. Centornarian.

Yeah, I mean, I guess that happens in a um in a lab that's um you know not as many labs look like a sort of a big castle on the top of a cliff these days that's true yeah that's that's been a big change when you know i guess a lot of the research has gone public these days or universities rather than sort of one guy. But it's just the incredibleness that those guys back in those days were able to get so many kind of like of those like bulbous glass tubes and things like that, you know? Yeah.

They were able to get all that glassware. All that glassware to blow your own glass, I guess, or you have to know a guy down in the town. Yeah, but then he's got to get all that glassware up all those steps without it breaking. Oh, yeah. Even just a horse and carriage up the cliff face. Up the rickety cliff face.

Yeah, but even if it's along a dirt road. That's a great idea, by the way. It's riding horses up cliff faces. It's a new sport. You're on the back of a horse and the horse is climbing a sheer cliff. So it's like the opposite of horse abseiling. Yeah, that's a great way to visualize that. I guess so.

If you want to picture horse rock climbing. Yeah. Well, just picture horse abseiling and imagine the opposite. And then go backwards and then reverse it. You put that, now put that thing down, flip it and reverse it. Now, how would you put the harness? Put that thing down. Put that thing down, that idea.

Now flip it and reverse it. Because I guess you're picturing, that's I guess if you're picturing the horse abseiling back to cliff. Yeah. Right? Is that how you were picturing an abseiling horse? I mean, I was just basically picturing a horse being dangled off a cliff. I wasn't picturing anything very… But you don't picture its legs along the wall?

Oh, yeah. No, I was doing that. But just picture this. But you know, picturing its legs along the wall? Oh, yeah. No, I was doing that. But just picture this. Because if you want, let's say you picture the harness of the horse. This is for the one climbing, right? There's a rope at the top, right? Maybe it's attached to kind of a crane, like the kind of crane with a rope.

Anyway, but the harness kind of goes over the shoulders of the horse in between the legs. And it really is lifting, you know, basically hovering. Anyway, you're sitting on the back. And you're, I guess, just strapped in your legs. You know, the legs are kind of strapped in all the way underneath. They're strapped to each other underneath the horse. Yeah, sure. to each other underneath the horse yeah sure and and you're just holding on to the reins but they're really more attached to the to the uh to the rope right so now and then the horse kind of

walks up a little bit but really the crane is just pulling up the horse yeah now i've seen i'm not satisfied with that i need the horse to actually be climbing and i don't want there to be a rope above the horse i want this horse to be doing lead climbing right where the horse is there's no rope above you've got a hammer you or the horse has to hammer in the little um pinions into the rock as you go you're taking your own rope um you are it's it's not good the hooves are not built for gripping they can't do it at all that's why that's why it's funny to me the scrabbling of the hooves yeah goats i mean they really throw a spanner in my works here because they're incredibly adept at doing exactly this thing with hooves i mean but it's a cloven Hoove isn't it Yeah and I think it's the design of the horse

The distribution of mass And I think the fact that you're on the horse's back All of these combined To make it a really Psychotic thing To try and imagine Now what about a four leaf cloven horse I mean cloven goat

Hoof God damn it Fuck Fouraf cloven horse. I mean, cloven goat. Hoof. God damn it! Fuck! Four-leaf cloven hoof. Alistair, I love it. Write it down. I reckon we've got five sketch ideas, Alistair, such as they are. You're right, Andy.

And I think we should go to words from Alistair. We've got five sketch ideas and an in-depth description of Al's tax... Okay, wait. and an in-depth description of animals, tax... Okay, wait. Am I writing up horse rock climbing? Yes. Okay. This is...

I think, you know that period of time when people were using 3D rendering to make just messed up videos of like, there's ones with the guys flopping around all over the place and doing weird dances and stuff i think if one of the people who was behind that could also do me a video of a horse climbing a cliff with a man on its back the man can be flopping around if you want that's how you just before we go before we leave this idea i just want you to picture the horse abseiling but it's horse dangling again from a rope uh back against the cliff yeah okay and man sitting on the inside of the on the horse's belly yeahacing down and holding on to the legs.

That's horse absurly. That's fun. That's fun. Now that's another animation they could do if they were doing that. Yeah, great. Four-leaf cloven hoof. I feel like, I don't know why, but I feel like a four-leaf cloven hoof would be for a swimming goat. Sure, webbed foot maybe.

Well, I think if you would, you know, if they're leaved, I think that they're sort of these, instead of like a hardened nail, they would be a sort of a wide kind of lily pad style, you know, toe. Lily toe. Swimming goat. Swimming goat. All right, Andy. Well, I guess we'll go to three words from a listener. Now, today's listener is Caleb Devick. Caleb Devick? Caleb Devick?

Caleb Devick! I mean, Caleb has only, you know, only been a contributor to the Patreon for a few months, but he's so quick on the trigger to resubmit words that we are already back. quick on the trigger to resubmit words that we are already back. And so, you know, and we do have a few words to get to at the moment, but I just, you know, I love when people submit either side tank ideas or three words from a listener. It's great to, you know, to just have stuff to get to. So please do that if you're uh you know

you haven't submitted for a while um now andy do you want to try to guess what the first word is yes hairless oh no no no it's not but you could picture a person who's hairless doing this. It is bondage. Okay. Bondage. The second word is domination. No, Andy. No, you couldn't be further away from it if you tried again. But no, the second word is James.

Bondage. James Bondage. So, the third word is bondage again. Bondage. James Bondage. Now, Andy, I'm going to say that you guessed the word correctly, because you did. You did guess the word correctly. And that is very good. But when I was writing down bondage for the second time, I actually misspelled it. So on a technicality, you're wrong. The word is actually bongage. bong gauge i apologize it's bondage james bong gauge this gives me a great idea for a um a stoner james bond bong james bong and he is high all the time. He's high. He's a spy. I mean, this movie rides itself. Oh, absolutely. As do the taglines. The government legalizes recreational marijuana and they nationalize it, right?

Oh, great. Okay. And so then the security agencies have access to its secret power under Her Majesty's blessing. you know it's it's you know her majesty's uh you know blessing and so then you get james bong possibly having to protect um all the uh it could also be a something like the fast and the furious where like the guy's so good at driving cars the police recruit is that what happens the police recruit him because he's so good at driving cars? They recruit him to go undercover as his own police car? I think he was already a cop.

He was already a cop, but he was also good at driving cars. But because he's good at driving, they recruit him to go undercover as a street racer. Maybe I was thinking of Armageddon, where they're so good at drilling holes into things, they recruit them to be astronauts. That's right. holes into things they recruit them to be astronauts that's true that's right but uh in my one then uh there's a guy who's so good at smoking bongs right then there's a there's a ring of um stoners who need to be infiltrated so they get this guy and they train him up as a spy because it's actually easier to train a bonghead to be a spy than it is to get a spy to develop a really high tolerance for marijuana and for bullshit conversations. Absolutely. And it's because the problem with infiltrating a stoner group is that they're so paranoid.

Yes. And so they will be able to tell straight away if you're not one of them. And that's why they need to hire a real bonghead, James Bonghead. I think that's an idea. Yeah. I'm calling it right now. But do we want to try to get something in with the bondage as well? I don't know if you want to, because I did kind of fuck up his idea, his three words. Bondage.

James Bondage. Let's see. Well, I mean, we know that James Bond likes sex. Yeah. He likes a lot of it. I mean, there is also – so we know that there's – that, you know, some people sexually enjoy there to be this kind of pain aspect. It's a thing with control. But what about a kind of a form of bondage that is

more for discomfort you know they they would they they sort of discomfort sadism and masochism like it's kind of like a thing where they they you know they have they put a bit of sand in your sock i'm sure there are people who like this like a bit of sand in their sock. I'm sure there are people who like this. Like a bit of sand in their sock. They extra big and scratchy tags

sewn into your t-shirts and underwear. They give each other really dry eyes. Yep. Discomfort. Sexually, just kind of fanning some dry warmth. Do they have a safe word? Do they still need one for when things get so discomfortable?

That they can't, that it becomes unsafe. I mean, yeah. Look, I don't know if it ever becomes unsafe. Look, I don't know if it ever becomes unsafe. So, it would have to be something else word. Let's see. What's a kind of lesser form of safety? When you need an itch. An itch word. A lesser form of safety.

Is there a word for something that's like you know, like but it's when you just want to feel a bit more comfortable. It's like a snug word. A snug word. That's quite good. Yes. Okay.

I'm running out of ideas, Alistair. I'm running out of ideas, Alistair. I'm running out of steam here. I apologize that my idea was a little bit weak. No, Alistair, that's not it. I mean, but it is one of those ideas that I love and I'm always proposing, where it's what if we had a more mild version of a thing that already exists? But then in order for comedy, you kind of need a more extreme version of the mildness somehow yes extreme mild we invented a new kind of mildness

oh yeah like do you think you could have an extreme mild chili sauce maybe i feel like custard is extremely mild yeah i guess so i mean sometimes it is too sweet and so in that way but yeah i can see what you're saying but like something that is not too much anything but but also like you know like if you if you tasted something that was perfectly balanced in flavors yes that would almost be too good, so that's not mild. Well, I mean, what if it was balanced in

all flavours? Balanced in all flavours, but also not that good. I want to make a food that has all the flavours in it. Somebody should do that. You know what's a good version of something that's an extreme mild in terms of flavour

is like unbuttered popcorn. Oh, yeah. Because it's you know it kind of, it almost is nothing. Like I mean really you're just...

Every flavour food. Food made of every flavour. flavor no there's nothing someone should do it every flavor food got every single one in there all competing peppermint chili how many would you put in there in order before you think you could you could legally say that it's every flavor i think you could find a way. You just find every food stuff and put a little bit of it each in there. Maybe if you just pick up if you just swept a fresh food market and

the butcher area and the fish area and the cheese and wine area. You just swept that up. Mopped it up. Swept it up. You sucked on that mop. You put it into a big bin and then you tip that bin into a grinder. I tell you what, thinking about sucking on a mop is not making me feel good.

Oh, that would be an extreme discomfort. Yes. Oh, that would be an extreme discomfort. Yes. Oh, suck it. I know. One of the worst feelings that I remember is being, is like walking around as a kid, finding like a cloth that was left outside in the snow and then putting it in my mouth and biting.

Just that sort of like, it's got give, but it's extreme cold. And every aspect of it is bad. I promise you, you might think biting into a frozen cloth that you find in the snow would be good. Well, I promise you it is not. It's the cold equivalent of sucking on a mop. Anyway, we fucking ended this podcast 13 minutes ago and I'm just...

I don't know. Alistair, thank you. Also, I need to say hello to Michaela, I believe, who I think saw my wife in Indiana in the supermarket and told her that her and her husband love the podcast and listen to it. So hello to Michaela and your husband. Thank you so much. And they recognize my beloved from my Instagram.

We're going to go into the song now okay man sorry everybody you know i chewed out at some point and didn't lost it when we started talking about tax i'm not sure if that's ever the thing to really enrich a podcast. At least until we start our tax podcast. I think it brought us all closer together. Andy, would you do a podcast with me where we watch all the episodes? I mean, it's just that I don't necessarily like this form of podcast, but where we watch all the works of Jerry O'Connell.

I think I would enjoy watching Sliders. but where we watch all the works of Jerry O'Connell. Yeah. I think I would enjoy watching Sliders. I've never watched Sliders. We could do that. I think watching all of My Secret Identity would be hard work. You'll never guess my secret identity. It's that one where he can fly, but he can't propel himself, so he uses spray cans. He can float, basically.

Yeah, right. Yeah, zero gravity. Yeah, right. But he also has a... Yeah. I assumed he'd be some sort of master of disguise, but he can float. He might also have super speed or something like that.

But not while he's in the air. He has to use spring hands. Thanks everybody for listening. Buy tickets to Alistair's show. Buy tickets to Stupid Ol' Studios. Live performance next week. I'm going to be in the audience. I think you can probably go for free even, maybe. I'm not sure if you can, to the live taping.

You might be able to win a double pass, definitely. I'm going to be there, Alistair. I'm coming along with Pete. Oh, my goodness. I haven't been doing that much stand-up. I've got to figure out what fucking stand-up I'm going to do. You're just working on that new stand-up festival show. I'm working on that new stand-up festival show. I'm working on that new stand-up festival show.

Let's end the podcast, Andy. It's been so good. I'm so glad that I was actually recording. All right, let's go. And we love... Love you. Love you. Bye, love.

Bye. See ya. Bye, Michaela and husband.