Two In The Think Tank - 373 - 'VAMPIRE GUANO'

Episode Date: March 18, 2023

Toaster Hymen, Duplicity body harvesting,Guy getting gun in Australia, Vampire Guano, Anger is Sadness for Him, Educational Rap Crew Wars, Sudden deskTickets for Al's comedy festival show are here: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall (No Relation)Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life.

When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th Exclusively on Disney Plus 18 Plus Subscription required T's and C's apply Hi Andy

It's Alistair Trombley-Burchell here From the Two and a Big Ten Podcast I'm just saying Come and buy tickets to my show Alistair Trombley-Burchell No relation At the International Comedy Festival And here we go And if you're in the United States Andy's book I lost the chamblay, Bertil. No relation at the International Comedy Festival.

And here we go. And if you're in the United States, Andy's book has just landed. The second edition. Oh, that's true. Yes. Well, the second volume. Volume. Which is completely different to the edition.

And it's Gustav and Henry. It's still the first edition. It still contains all the mistakes that we would remove in a hypothetical second. Gustav and Henry. And it's also available in Spain. If you're listening from Spain, you can purchase Gustavo y Rita in beautiful hardback form. And if you live in South America, which I know a few of our listeners do, you can order it from Spain and it will come in your native language, which we know that you do also speak English though. So you could get it from America, which will be closer and that will fees that are male based not male gays

or you know anyway let's end this Andy Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I think you should, let's make a new policy where you continue your music bed under my introduction. Don't you think that would be fun? We can try that.

I'll try that next episode. Okay. Yeah, great. I hit my chest so hard. I feel like my heart is having palpitations. That's exciting. That's a great energy to bring to the start of the show, Alistair. Yeah, well, you know, it's...

And my arm's going numb. That's cool. That's my dedication to the base. It's a great energy to bring to the show. Just heart... I mean, chest-clutchingly good. I bought a new toaster recently, Alistair. I bought the cheapest toaster they had in Big W.

Of course you would, Andy. And, well, this is it. Wait, let me know. Has it already burnt your house down, or are you looking forward to it doing that? No, but I was thinking about you having a stroke. I was thinking about the smell of burning toast. And plastic on your toaster. Well, indeed, because you put it down for the first time

and it fills your house with the smell of burning plastic right whatever it is in the construction process that first time you you turn it on it's burning off oh yeah so much whatever it is The house is alive with the smell of burnt plastic. That's right. I really had to work that. I really had to try to work to get any kind of... Would you call that a vibrato? Well, it's not one of those natural ones. That was a very laboured and terrible.

I was lying in bed, pleasuring myself with a vibrato. Getting like a, just using your own, like if you hit a particular note, the beige note. Oh, yes. I was hitting the resonant frequency of my clitoris. Yes.

Well, I was saying beige. I was assuming that was more of a penis kind of thing. Yeah, you think I've got a beige penis. Is that what you're telling me? Unless you're one of those people who has like a darker shade of brown on their penis. Anyway, let's look around. Look around.

There's a patch of snow on the ground and a darker shade of brown. I've got two songs confused. I've got hazy shade of winter and lighter shade of pale confused. This is already a terrible start to the podcast. Yeah, we'll wait until I sneeze. Hang on. But what I was just – I was just like, why – I mean, I know I've got the cheapest toaster, right? But what's killing, what's stopping them from plugging it in in the factory and just running it once, just with nothing in there, just to burn off that plastic funk?

But that's how you know it's not been used by some filthy, you know, some filthy so-and-so. That's the toaster's hymen. Is that what you're saying? That's right, yeah. How do you feel about a toaster that has a kind of a film over it across the slots that you've got to break through to put your toast down for the first time? Let's admit.

Oh, my God. All right, I'm falling apart here. This is so bad. This is the worst beginning of an episode. Let's admit that we all think that the hymen virginity idea is bullshit, right? Let's admit it. Finally, confess the truth. It's a bullshit idea, right?

Confess the truth. It's a bullshit idea, right? But that doesn't mean that we can't use biomimicry. It's mimicry of what our idea of the bio is. Exactly. It's almost theomimicry. Oh, that's very good. You know, and so we take it from, you know, theology,

where they think that this, where their idea of the biology and its meaning, and it is applied to the toaster. And let's just make, you know, just for not disgusting sake, let's make it a clear, thin plastic. Or should it be some kind of fleshy membrane? Well, I mean, I think if you make it clear, thin plastic, then you're just wrapping it up in cling film. You're just, what you're describing there is packaging. Right, right, right.

And that already exists. Right. So this is sort of a thin thin meat a thin flesh colored meat almost like a little piece of jerky that's already in the slot just two little bits of jerky yeah okay and there's a lot right and they but it's so thin that it doesn't even burn it just kind of shrinks like i guess like a chicken skin. It shrinks like a chicken skin and then sits down in the bottom because what do people love?

The smell of rendered fat. They love that. Yes. And so in our fleshy toaster, people are going to really enjoy that first smell of rendered fat that lets them know that this is their toaster's first time. I'm really sorry

about this idea everybody. No, no, no. The toaster hymen and this is to fix the problem of the plastic that's in there like the coating or whatever everything has. Yeah, somehow. I don't know how it fixes the problem but it does. It's like you just put plastic that's in there, like the coating or whatever everything has. Yeah, somehow. I don't know how it fixes the problem, but it does.

It's like you just put a smell on a smell. Ah, sure. You know, you put a smell on a smell. You know, we're not going to not use these chemicals, whatever they are, that make the toaster look new. Yes, new toaster, that new toaster smell. And so you just put a thing. And you know where you could get that flesh? Stem cells from, you know, from, I guess, circumcised babies.

I knew where you were going with that, Alistair. And I felt your hesitation. You're like, are we layering on too much here? But we're in too deep. There must be some stem cells in a baby's fat, so maybe you could just give a little baby liposuction. Oh, that's good. And you know, if there's one thing that newborns have in excess,

it's fat, and they don't need that. They tell you they need that to survive the first few days while the milk comes in. But they don't need all of it. It's like everything. It's over-engineered. There's got to be some wiggle room in that. Absolutely. That puppy fat.

And if you just blend up like a hamburger or something like that, you could just get that baby going, you know? So we can suck out fat from the human body is that can we suck anything else out muscle not muscle see there you go why is it only lipo where suctioning um bile oh what about like a human bile industry okay i'll go on. I'm listening. I mean, think of it because like, you know, it's a person. This is, okay, somebody who has accidentally through trying to create a, some kind of time machine has accidentally copied themselves multiple times.

Okay, great, yes. But they're on welfare, right? And so – So they created a Time Machine and they – but they're yet to work out how to monetize it. They're living very close to the poverty line. And every time that they double themselves, they could make another copy of themselves, they're halving the amount of money that they can, that they have to keep each version of themselves alive, right?

Because they still all have the same Centrelink reference number. Yeah, they all have the same, they're all the same person. So they can't, yeah. Yes. And so. Oh, that's a disaster. It's a disaster. And so at some point they realize that they, and it's a very tight job market, you know.

So they've realized that they just have people as a resource. And so they think, well, what could we sell? And they're like, well, we all have bile. They're just looking at each other's bodies, and they go, what can we sell? There must be something. They can sell sperm a couple times maybe. They would have to fly to America,

and they realize that that would be more expensive than the sperm would pay. Here in Australia, you don't get paid for sperm donations i think and there's also i think a limit on the amount of donations you can make yes and so once again like because they're all one person they're shooting themselves in the in the in the foot there in the sample cup yes uh and so then so then they think bile all right we've got to get a bile industry going and so then maybe they look at what the what is the composition of bile you know the chemical composition

um yeah and so then they're like okay it's acid i guess we could make like a you know maybe we could make like a is there like a balsamic vinegar or something like that, you know, like an alternative. Well, apparently bile is 95% water. Okay, well, that's good. People need water. That's good. And then there's a bunch of, okay, endogenous solid constituents, including bile salts.

This is they're reading this to each other. Bilirubin? Bilirubin? Billy Rubin? Billy Rubin. It's the best name for any of the bodily fluids, Billy Rubin. They talk about that a lot with newborns,

their Billy Rubin levels. Do they actually say that? I mean, that's a folk band just asking to be Billy Rubin. From the Rubin, that's a folk band. Billy Rubin. Just asking to be. Billy Rubin. You know, from the Rubin, you know, like, you know, there's a famous Rubin in music production, you know, so it's like that's probably already an in. There's an Australian band called the Rubins.

I'm related to them, apparently. They came number one in the Hottest 100. Nobody remembers the song. Nobody. I don't remember it either. Was it? Take me home. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun's The Killers or something. No, okay, right. But I... It could be Pretty Fly for a White Guy. Yeah, it could be that.

It could be that song by Gautier. Yes. Amino acids, steroids, enzymes, four furans, vitamins, and heavy metals. Oh, no. That's bad for fish. I feel bad for those magicians who swallow a whole fish and keep it alive in their stomach. Now all those heavy metals might be shortening that fish's lifespan.

I mean, that's real magic to me, isn't it? That's fantastic. That's what I want to say. that's fantastic. That's what I want to see. When I picture magic, I picture two things. Bringing the dead back to life from beyond the mortal veil

so that they can once again stalk the earth with their hideous hunger and swallowing a goldfish and then bringing it back up again. Those are the two types of magic that I respect. Yeah. It just occurred to me that all those guys, that guy that i've seen swallow a bunch of stuff and then bring them you know he swallowed like pool the regurgitator the regurgitator um like he'd swallow pool balls and and a goldfish

and even like some dry sugar and it occurred to me it's probably just a sleight of hand this is i was this is crazy alistair but i was thinking about exactly that yesterday really i had that i had that same realization i was thinking about a guy who came to my school i think when i was young and he was a regurgitator. Like it was a school performance in assembly, I'm pretty sure. He came and he like swallowed a light globe and all this kind of stuff, keys and stuff, and then he like asked us what order we wanted him to bring them back up again in, and he did it in that order.

And it just like that flashed into my mind yesterday and i was like i think that was probably just sleight of hand well andy yeah you know what they say andy you know once you know once all the elements are sort of in the in the ether you know all the all the right ideas are out there uh a bunch of people will, at the same time, come up with the idea of the light bulb being regurgitated, being a sleight of hand. It's still weird, though. It is pretty weird. It's still a freaky coincidence. Yeah, yeah, that is a very weird coincidence.

They are very slight with their hand they you know i've i've seen a few videos recently where some guy does it you know there's a trick and i've really watched it a few more times to be like oh i'm starting to understand how it could happen yeah yeah anyway it's good um so good but do you think i mean i can't remember how i thought it wouldn't i mean what about the goldfish though you think something up the sleeve it's always something he's probably got a special special goldfish pocket i remember how disappointed i was when i realized that some waterman that i saw on some something got has got talent was just spraying something out of a tube on the side of his, you know, in his hand.

He was a guy, he just swallowed like 1.5 liters of water. And I was like, that's funny. And then he would just spray water out and then he would catch it on his own umbrella. You know? I mean, when you describe describe this it sounds really shit i know but i mean like it was like it was like oh he's an african water man and i was like oh this you know felt like it's an ancient art it's an ancient art where they've just figured out how to like you know and i'd

think about the regurgitator guy and i'd be like well there's people who know how to keep things in pockets in you know in their side in their insides and so then they just you know if they can do that then it doesn't seem that crazy that they could um but it's all starting to fall apart now isn't it yeah did he have his hand near his mouth a lot of the time near his mouth every time oh no you know yes and and then you go holy crap you know but that's the thing is that in the moment that you're watching it you feel true pure magic until you really think about it you know until you watch it three four times you know these in in ancient africa these things weren't meant to be watched three four times i don't i think i've i suspect alistair that maybe the ancient africa component yeah

wasn't wasn't you don't are you saying just like when we when we came down from the trees and the first magicians started doing sleight of hand and we were really impressed. They started pretending to put bananas in their ears and things like that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, are we the only species that does magic? That'd be fascinating because maybe you do need to walk upright on two legs in order to be able to do sleight of hand. Nobody's interested in sleight of leg, sleight of foot, right?

I wouldn't mind those. There's nothing there. I'd watch some, slight of foot. Right? I wouldn't mind those. There's nothing there. I've got some slight of foot. Slight of hoof. No, there's no There is no slight of hoof. There's no ungulates. There are no cloven-toed ungulates out there

doing slight of hoof. Maybe if there was a four-leaf cloven hoof. You know, the one lucky one. Maybe. The one lucky one who can do magic. Is there a sketch idea in this? Slide of foot. Slide of hoof.

I mean, you know, bats look like they should be good at magic. Bats. Bats? Bats. You know, because they have like a cape, a place where they can hide stuff. Oh, sure, sure. They can just put things in their armpit, you know, and then hide it. They still have fingers in there, don't they? Somewhere, yeah.

In the wing. I think the wing still has fingers in it. Fingies. Which is a real yuck. Yeah? Real yuck idea. Yeah, hate wing still has fingers in it. Fingies. Which is a real yuck. Yeah. Real yuck idea. Yeah, I hate that. Hate that for them.

Yeah, well, what... And they just have their schlong just hanging upside down, and they piss on themselves, I think. Do they? I think so. I think because if they're upside down... Bats. Bats, yeah.

Wow, I wonder if Dracula does the same thing. Yeah. Well, I mean, you can't imagine that he gets up at night to go piss and he takes the lid off and stuff like that. Has anybody investigated Dracula's relationship with Guano? If you went into Dracula's lair, would there be Dracula Guano all over the floor? And given that he lives for an infinite amount of time,

could that perhaps be a valuable source of nitrates for the fertilizer industry? This is very good for the people, for the guys who keep accidentally copying themselves whilst trying to develop this time travel, trying to find a way to monetize their own guano. It is. But I also think it's a good idea about like a sketch about an industry that has developed around Dracula's castle where there are people who do the most dangerous job in the world, which is to sneak into his lair while he's sleeping

and try and collect his guano to sell. Is it nitrates or is it phosphates that we're trying to, it's probably phosphates. Maybe it's phosphates. Phosphates. Yes. Great. Well,

yeah, I'm assuming Dracula does phospholipids. That'd be it. Yes. Um, wait, have, have bats,

have bats and birds evolved to have the same kind of poop um i don't think so i don't i don't know because one's mammalian and yeah i think i think it's just that we don't we don't tend to see mammals mostly shit in just one area because i see I see. Because we don't roost. It doesn't just stop. Usually it doesn't just stop in rock, like on top of rock. Yeah. Right? Whereas bats in a cave and birds on, like, you know,

some Pacific atoll. You know, they're just halfway through. I'm really excited to make this Dracula film. Yeah. That focuses much more on the fertilizer industry than it does. So you're saying there would just be like a huge pileup from the thousands of years that he's lived there. Yes. And they try to mine it out from underneath him. Yeah, exactly.

You sneak in there as he snoozes. And it's like Smaug in Lord of the, in The Hobbit with his pile of treasure, but it's not, it's brown gold. And so does this become a whole metaphor for Nauru, the island, the island nation? I think it might be an Nauruan metaphor. And then once his guano is gone, does he resort to making money by imprisoning people for the police of the town? He says, yeah, you can use my basement. My dungeons. Yeah, my empty guano dungeon

to lock up, put all your excess prisoners. Yes, correct. And they leap at the opportunity because it's politically expedient. That's right, to not keep them right in town, to keep them up this dangerous cliff face where less people will try to go up. I wonder if our international listeners will understand the reference to Australia's inhumane offshore detention policies for asylum seekers. Well, there's a I'm sure there's a Wikipedia page that you can go and refresh yourself up on if you're interested.

I think the UK is trying to bring in this kind of stuff now. Yeah, no, that's exciting isn't it? Like, it's one of our, probably one of our biggest exports. I mean, we talk about what have we got to be proud of in this country? Well, we lean quite heavily on our invention of the

cask wine, the goon bag, the hill's hoist, of course, that internationally successful invention, the hill's hoist. And now we can claim credit as well for discovering a new way to be cruel to

the dispossessed. So congratulations, Australia. Next time they make a series of great Aussie inventions, I look forward to that being featured as one of the highlights in Australian history. We really have done almost nothing in this country. I think, what about Wi-Fi? It's really pathetic. It's really sad.

Wi-Fi, that's true. CSIRO came up with Wi-Fi apparently, although I reckon if we looked into it, we might discover that perhaps there's not quite as much of an involvement. That was also a result of the CSIRO's intense study into wool, I think. It's something to do with wool, yeah. It all starts because our science industry was like so focused on wool. And then somehow there were a few huge breakthroughs that don't make sense in the way that they're connected to the wool industry.

Yeah. But I wonder if like since we stopped focusing on wool, maybe we're not achieving as much. Maybe we haven't had as many breakthroughs in other areas. Maybe it's time to refocus, get back to wool, get back to what we were good at not doing properly in the first place. Or maybe we could just get another animal in there and study its fur. Get an ocelot in there. Get an ocelot in there. Get an ocelot in there.

Get them in. Ocelot. That's a great name for anything. Get an ocelot. Ocelot. Shave it. See if you can grow that hair back faster. Give it vitamins.

Give it some supplements. Try and breed a merino ocelot, the highest quality ocelot fur. Ocelot. Ocelot. I think, you know which ones, you know which fur I think should be studied is fur that you don't even can't really tell is there. You know, like peach fuzz. You know how like you've got, you know, obviously you've got tell is there. You know, like peach fuzz. You know how like you've got,

obviously you've got the part where your stubble is growing and people have that on their face. You know, even guys have that after shaving a bunch. But on those areas where you're not growing proper stubble, and I think women have this too, there's kind of just a very light fur. It's nice. I like that. It's almost a throwback to being a baby.

Yeah, and it gives you that, you know, when the light's behind you, it gives you that sort of fuzzy look, that slightly soft focus. Looks like you're in the 80s getting a glam shot. Don't we all want that? We all deserve that on a daily basis. We all deserve a little bit of glam. And so I reckon get some men in there, start shaving that off of them. Yeah.

Like, I mean, wouldn't it be nice? Of course, the problem is that after you've shaved it off for a while, then it thickens up and it turns into those bristles. And then you're no use to the shaving industry and you're turned out into the field or maybe you're now just good for pet food. So they shoot you in the head with an iron bolt and feed you to the dogs. I mean, that's the CSIRO for you. Yes.

Beck's dad. Yes. Bextad. I mean, isn't that great? I think it's a good metaphor for what society does in general to people once they're past a certain age. Not so much men, so the metaphor falls down a little bit there. But it would be, you know, maybe when women take over the world, because they're doing that, you know, using cultural Marxism, right? When women have finished taking over the world that's all they'll want men for will be harvested for our peach fuzz on our cheeks but don't you think it would be a beautiful yeah so and but but i think it will make beautiful garments don't you think if you could if you could oh yeah absolutely for the for the for the very rich women

who run society this would be a great future film in which all these women are living together in this society and they don't realize that men exist right because they're kept on factory farms for their to to have their upper cheeks shaved for these luxurious garments that they all laze around in all day and then we're killed and to the dogs, to these lap dogs. The female dogs. The female dogs that they keep on their laps all the time. All the time. I mean, you don't want to be mixing dogs in beautiful garments, I don't think.

You make your garments. Maybe the garments are just for the dogs. um you make your garments maybe the garments are just for the dogs who you know maybe the dogs wear wear the peach fuzz clothing to make them even softer for these these women who have taken over society to strike to what to stroke i'm just laughing at the way in which i keep accusing women of trying to take over society. I mean, you know... I'm just enjoying saying it. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's okay. I'm sorry.

I mean, I guess technically we've already taken over society. I've struck something deep and cruel inside me. Do you feel responsible in any way for men taking over society? Responsible? Yeah, I try to do my bit obviously no because like i was thinking about like you know how like there's certain things that we attribute to certain groups right and we'll say you know um uh you know i guess white people you know did colonialism uh you know uh rock and roll was a black art form

and things like that but then also it wasn't everybody in all of those things you could say it was a particularly bad part of white society that did that, it was probably a particularly talented

part of black society that did the other thing but then we all we all get tarnished with that brush the you know rock and roll brush yes and what a terrible thing to be tasked with to be accused of inventing rock and roll just based on the color of your skin. I know, but I think there's an aspect of it in which it's kind of supposed to be an anti-racist position to be like, well, you have to accept the, I mean, of course, there's the part where there's the benefits

that you still get from these things. Yes. And so that's where it falls down yeah yeah um it's just but but because then but it's also that part where it's like oh it's an it's an anti-racist position but to to claim it for the whole culture also feels like itself a a partially race-based generalization um yes alistair i mean you know but then the people who make that argument are very often the worst people in the world so it's tricky isn't it you it? You're really a little bit trapped there. Yeah. Yeah.

And yeah, I think this is what I've realized is that the only voices that get really amplified most of the time are extreme voices, extreme things that are happening. Right? And so it makes the times feel more extreme. Whilst we're all living what feels like pretty normal lives but whilst having extreme things go into our holes nonstop. Well, yeah. In your case, definitely. I mean I've seen your bedside drawer, Alistair.

I've seen your bedside drawer, Alistair. Yeah, but I mean, again, the idea that we're living very normal lives, I suppose, is something that we say from our position of privilege, I think. But the thing is that we expose ourselves to these things by being on Twitter or watching the news or whatever but then we also don't do anything to um to correct any of this stuff in the position that we are i don't think that's so we experience well i think for a lot of people it is that you you passively absorb these extreme views and expose yourself to them without um i know but you also go like without but you go like engaging i don't like this, and things like that.

Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+.

18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. Right, but people are constantly arguing with those people online, and that amplifies it. Totally. No, no, no, absolutely. So I think they are trying to fight it. They think, they go, well, we can't just let this stand like that. We've got to at least argue with them. Yeah, and then that makes those things bigger. So it's in the trying to stop it.

Yes, I know, but you're not letting me finish my thought. No, no, no to stop it. But you're not letting me finish my thought. No, no, no. You're not letting me finish my thought. Andy, that was the end of your thought. And you're being trounced for it. I need to have the last word on this thing about people trying to have the last word on this. Andy just starts saying, oh, I'm losing this argument. Like, don't just start panicking.

And then let me finish you off. I'm not arguing. I'm not arguing i'm not arguing let me knock you out let the ref step in have you had enough andy tap out it doesn't matter my point wasn't going to get us to anything funny anyway so it's but yeah but but is there a way? Firstly,

I don't know if there is a way of making this funny, but because it seems like it's bad to let extreme things be said and to not say anything in return. Right? Yes. But a lot of people

do say extreme things and people don't see it because they don't have a big platform and those things remain an isolated little thing. But then a lot of people with big platforms say something extreme and then people argue with them and then even more people see it.

And so then it makes it seem like trying to help really hurts. Yeah. I mean, I think that my life would be much better. that we could suggest that the you know like alt right any of that kind of crazy stuff that seems to be so common now um could possibly be the size that it was if we hadn't all been trying to ourselves get retweets by shutting it down with our witty um our witty repartee yeah yeah our clapbacks our clapbacks yeah um no yeah that that's i think i think you're right that the that it's not um i think we've proven that it's not helping and like and also this this temptation that you know people on the

progressive side of things have to when somebody says something wrong call them the worst person in the world and and shame them and all that kind of stuff right even even if that was morally the right thing to do which it may be i'm not making that argument at least we can say at least i think we could demonstratively say that even if morally that's the right course of action to to you know point these people out and and call them idiots and all that kind of stuff to decry them publicly yeah it's not working yeah you know like we're not winning so even if it's the right thing to do from that perspective from a pragmatic perspective of like you know not trying to take people with us and and educate people and give people a chance to be wrong in a dignified way

it's we are losing yeah so it's kind of it's the it's the um it's – we are losing. Yeah. So – It's kind of – it's the sort of the shooter guys. Like it's the same thing with suicides and school shooters and stuff like that, that advertising it, that it happens, and proving that there is notoriety and all that kind of stuff in it is contagious.

Yeah. Because now – You wouldn't do a school shooting to promote your comedy festival show, would you, Alistair? Well, I mean, I won't have to if people buy tickets. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying I will do one, but I'm saying I'd have less reason to. Yeah, I would never consider it if people bought tickets. Yeah.

I mean – I might not consider it anyway, but I'll tell you when I definitely wouldn't. When I was so overwhelmed by the quantity of tickets that have been sold. I'm sorry to bring that up. I think the idea of somebody in Australia trying to, wanting to hurt somebody with a gun, but not knowing anybody in the sort of the dark, the dark side of, like, I think just trying to watch somebody trying to acquire a gun in Australia who isn't connected in any way to the- The criminal underworld. Yeah, somebody who is like a real dork, right? Like, you know, like up until this point in their life, they've been real straight lace. Okay.

And so, them trying to- And then somebody slights them. Somebody slights them, which pushes them over the edge, right? It's probably been a buildup. It's probably been bullying, right? But it's somebody at work, right? Whatever it is, right? And then the real film here is them trying to acquire a gun

and then try to go through legitimate means, which is probably even more troublesome in australia yeah yeah totally i mean i think it i think it is really funny to show what would in america would be like a violent revenge film right um but one that is entirely occupied with the bureaucratic quagmire of trying to get the gun in the first place yeah like in america they would just go to the cupboard and get one out yeah and it's on but yeah yeah i think that's funny yeah and then this yes yeah all right um i don't know how you got that out of the conversation we just had alistair but it's a well it's a good idea alist, why were you asking me what the script name was for that sketch that we wrote for the sketch show about men who cry into a special urinal for men to cry into? Getting gun for. alien sketch show which is largely tv parody but we have also tried to sneak in some two in the

think tank ideas including one about a special urinal for men to stand cry standing up like a man and uh alistair texted me the other day to ask me what the name of the sketch was months after we'd written and submitted it to the show and i wanted to know why he was inquiring. So because I'm trying to portray, I think in my stand-up show, my comedy festival show, I'm trying to portray us as having a falling out. Oh, really? I didn't know that that was the... I'm trying to say that I normally work with somebody else and that we had a falling out. And it was because of, and it's going to be based in reality, obviously, that you and me had a, when I say you and me, I mean, I reacted very poorly at one point when we were trying to write this sketch about um men having you know heads head height urinals to go and cry in so that they could cry privately in public um just you know you know hidden away and and then me suggesting that there should also not just be urinals but also like a

full-size toilet that people could go into a cubicle and have a big cry in right um a number two cry um and and that you were like i just don't think that it actually fits this idea and that i for some reason got really emotional about that um because i was like why wouldn't you i mean if you're not trying to make comedy you don't want another beat to this like it doesn't make sense and i couldn't wrap it around my head um why you would not want this and then i genuinely it hit me in my emotions and then i started getting what was upset what you would call upset in uh traditional parlance in uh traditional parlance um no hit me in the hit me in my emotions is also yeah uh an acceptable description of that yeah and uh you know what you really would have could could have used in that situation what's that would be well would be it would have been a

toilet to cry into that's true that would have been the perfect place but there was there was just there was no private place where i could do it. And so I had to take my emotions out on you. And you know what happened as well yesterday, looking at the script? I don't think that at any point during our argument, you actually gave me a reason to understand why because maybe deep down you you yourself didn't know you didn't remember exactly why but i actually saw the reason i saw the reason why you didn't want this oh great yeah was it a good reason? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. And it's in the first voiceover for the sketch.

And I'm pretty sure you didn't vocalize this, right, in the argument, right? But it says, fellas, are you sick to tears of crying sitting down like a girl right so because the whole idea would have been standing up to piss to cry yes right yeah but what i mean i i i can't i can't get back there alistair i can no longer recapture whatever i'm really lucky whatever my logic was in the moment i'm really lucky that while you get this win i can due to your lack of ability to remember at least at the very least fabricating memory that you had forgotten to mention this point this logical thing that seems to make sense to me now. And look at me as such an understanding person able to admit- Sorry to re-litigate this for the listeners,

but weren't you suggesting that they wouldn't actually sit on that toilet to cry? Because it would be halfway up the wall. Yeah, they won't, because it will be high. So you can stand in front of a regular toilet. But you know what else? The argument of having a really big cry, like a number two cry, that's not in the sketch.

So I think that that is an argument that I've made since then to really define it. Yeah. You've had some time to go away and come up with the... Because you've obviously been dwelling on it. Well, I mean, you know, you see yourself acting in a way that you aren't 100% proud of.

And so it becomes an open task in the subconscious that continues to process and look for answers. And by answers, I mean reasons why you were right to overreact well and if anything possibly underreact given the provocation that's right that's good and but then um but then also find reasons you know why you underreacted yourself um but isn't it also the case that we were both just incredibly tired oh yeah like but also that we were both just incredibly tired? Oh, yeah. But also, we were both tired, but this was week one of about 16 to 19 weeks of work. And I got upset.

And I was like, oh, I can't handle this anymore. This bullshit. Anyway, maybe I was adapting to us actually writing sketches which is something that although that we do this um you know podcast for 10 years we don't spend that much time actually writing sketches we sort of you know we can we we sort of uh come up with a vague outline sometimes well you know of course we can just come up with we can just say what we want to say and ignore what the other person is saying and until you have to actually write it down you don't have to pick a pick a pick a lane that's right we have the luxury of pretending that we both got to write come up

with the sketch idea that we wanted and not the other person's sketch idea. God, this is boring for the people listening to the podcast. I mean, is this the worst episode ever? No, I don't think so. Just give it everything. Just give it everything. Everything that's out. I mean, Andy, Andy, look, the episode's getting better. I stopped sneezing.

Oh, that's true. That's positive. We've stopped talking about hymens and toasters. I think the episode's just getting better and better. Onwards and upwards. All right, here we go. I think the episode is just getting better and better. Outwards and upwards. All right, here we go. I've only got four ideas written down. Yes, I feel like there was something in there, though.

Was it when we were talking about the toilets or was there? Yeah, early on. Yeah. Talking about crying, standing up like a real man. Emotions. Men's versions of emotions. Nah, look. I'm not. I'm sorry.

Do you think that anger is men's sadness? No, that's stupid. That's too... Sadness. Anger. It's sadness for him. For him. I'm just going to write that down because it feels like it's just, you could get just a little... A tiny little ad.

A tiny little ad, yeah. It's anger. It's sadness for him. I mean, I think it would be, well i mean what you you know i love a sketch in a boardroom and so it could be a boardroom trying to come up with ways to market emotions for men but or something like that you know you see a guy get broken up with then he punches something and puts a dint in it you know you see a guy who's you know who drops his ice cream cone and he then throws his can of Coke on the ground. He's having an ice cream cone and a can of Coke.

What a fucking sugar rush. And he throws his can of Coke on the ground and crushes it. Yeah, wow. And he knocks over a bin. He gets told that he's not going to get a raise. He empties out a, you know, this is another bin-based thing, but he shakes out a waste paper bin. It's another bin.

It's a different type of bin. Yeah, and he just throws it all over the place. And he, you know, he, I don't know, empties his pockets and throws them in the face of the person like that. And he goes, ah, like that. And they said, anger. It's sadness for him. Yeah, it's really good.

It's actually really good. It's probably the best sketch idea we've come up with today. You're kidding me. Oh, my God. Well. Somebody must have invented a motion sensing rubbish bin, right? Waste paper bin. Yeah.

That has little wheels and zips around like a Roomba. But where it detects, you know, you can throw a piece of rubbish and it'll just zip over there and catch it wherever you throw it. That must be a thing, right? Yeah. I mean, you see stuff like that with, I've seen stuff like that with like basketball nets and things like that. And they're placed on kind of like robotic arms and they can see where you've thrown

the ball and they move the net where the ball's going so that you can't miss. I mean, if you throw within a certain range of things. Within the tolerances. I think I could miss. I feel. Apparently Larry Bird felt like that, that he actually just wasn't able to miss. And so he would try.

He would try to have a shit shot and then he would just get it in i don't i find that hard to believe i just think he wasn't trying i thought yeah i think like yeah it's it's one of those things you get just so used to a certain way of doing things i would be able to miss with that robotic arm i actually often think of myself as the Larry Bird of missing shots. Would you like to go to three words from a listener? I'd love that, yes. Okay, well, great, because that's where we're going. Today's words come from Thomas Spargo. Thomas Spargo.

Thomas Spargo? Yeah. Thomas Spargo. It could be Thomas Spargo Thomas Spargo Yeah Thomas Spargo It could be Thomas Spargo Could be Thomas Spargo Sure But he did write in English So, you know

But maybe it's nice Did he write in a thick Spanish accent? Well, I was saying it in French Yeah, I know Oh, it could be He could be doing a character It could be But in a thick Spanish accent. Well, I was saying it in French. Yeah, I know. Oh, it could be... He could be doing a character. It could be... I think for Spanish, you just put an E in front of everything.

Spain. España. You see? What do they call emails in Spain? E-mail. E-mail. E-mail. they call emails in spain uh a a mail uh mail um it's like when somebody's filling up your cup too much and you go um andy would you like to try to guess what the first word is that was submitted by Thomas Spargo? Okay, the first word is...

Wrong. Underscore. Underscore? No, no. There's no S in it. There's no S in it. But there is an E-D-U as the first three letters, which is, you know, like... Educate. Very close. Educational. Educational.

Okay. Educational video. That is not the second word. Rap. Educational rap. Educational rap battle. The third word is videos. Not video. Okay. Educational something videos.

Now think about this, Andy. Think about this. Educational something videos. The reason I'm saying think about this is there is a- Physics? Educational physics videos? Is this a reference to me doing Ed Rollllo uh school uh informative video content the second word is physics thomas spargo i thank you thomas uh might i suggest that if you're ever struggling to bring in new pod listeners, encourage Andy to do another stint as a virtual VCE physics teacher. Worked on me about six years ago. Well, I've got some good news. I am doing another stint as an educational VCE physics teacher.

Are you actually going to be doing some? In the second half of this year. So we could really get a bump for this podcast if i can ever finish the trial the sample video i'm supposed to have done three weeks ago um alistair uh can i just go back though to something that i came up with while i was trying to guess the words this is an educational rap battle but it made me think you know you know people you you love a bit of a historical educational rap, don't you, Alistair? You particularly love Hamilton and it's the informative content and the references to events that occur that are contained in the rap. We went and saw Hamilton during…

Really? While we were staying in the city and we left at halfway. Really? Yeah, we left at the… We were like, we get it fucking hell they could they could have oh wow alistair that's incredible yeah i was like fucking hell it's like all right we don't need any more like we get the point fuck it's like it genuinely but basically was what I thought it was.

Yeah, great. But longer, just they could have compressed that so much. That could have used an edit. Jesus. Anyway, my point, that's great. I love that you've remained consistent on that point. Anyway, my point, that's great. I love that you've remained consistent on that point.

I thought that once you actually had seen the thing, maybe the beautiful vision that you have of Hamilton in your mind would be tainted by reality, but I'm glad to see that hasn't happened. But I think an East Coast, West Coast style violent rap war, but between, say, school groups who go around to different schools and do educational raps about sunscreen and online safety. Online safety. The sun smart people. The sun smarts versus the littering people.

Exactly. The anti-littering people. Yeah. And they yeah, you know, there's been a series of like brutal slayings associated with this war within rap.

Yeah, I do like that a lot. Rap battle war. Educational, as for educational physics videos uh i mean um what have i got there well educational physics videos so like um um so i mean i had this vision of um isaac newton being hit on the head by an apple right but it's a it's a it's a it's a giant apple with arms and legs and it comes along and it hits him on the head with a hammer punches him in the face okay yeah and then they have a a real fight you know presumably to the desk death you know he was hit on the head by an apple

fight to the desk that's what that's what um that's what um letterman and leno were doing after um after what's his name retired very good it was a fought to the desk i can't believe they called that late night wars when fight to the desk was available and and when uh when Conan took over from Leno and then Len and Leno got that extra tonight show that they put on just after Conan to keep him happy yeah that was sudden desk extra time sudden desk um doesn't really work no it was good ending so i mean sudden desk is a funny idea because you know like when people talk about worrying about uh you know uh spontaneous combustion right yeah you know that's a thing that people have taught you know it's one of those things

that's just has been you know in you know fringe conspiracy circles for a long time, that's a thing that people have taught. You know, it's one of those things that just has been, you know, in, you know, fringe conspiracy circles for a long time. That's just something somebody could do. Yes. Right? But the idea that there could be an even fringier conspiracy that sometimes people can suddenly turn into a desk. Sudden desk syndrome. desk sudden desk syndrome and you just you just go down onto all fours and then come into somebody's office right you come into somebody's office and um the door's been locked it has to be has to be has to be bashed open by a by by a um uh byhed open by police or something like that

or a fireman with an axe. They come in and there's just a desk in the room. They're like, he must have turned into a desk. It's one of those like, what happened? One of those kind of like mystery things where it's like- Unsolved mysteries. It was locked inside, but there was nobody in there. There were no windows out.

There was nothing, no other way out. What happened? The man had turned into a desk. I mean, I presumed that the window was open. Papers were fluttering around. This man had clearly leapt to his death but nobody makes that conclusion. Everybody thinks he must have turned into a desk.

So then they keep it somewhere and they give it to the family. There you go. So that's an idea for educational physics videos. Alistair, we might need to wrap up quickly if that's okay. Yes, of course. Okay, let's, quick, quick. Alright, here's the sketch ideas for today. Toaster Hyman, that's a little bit of okay let's quick quick um all right here's the sketch ideas

for today uh toaster hymen that's a little bit of a little bit of flesh that you put in there so that people know that that's you know it's it's like tamper proof awful tamper they should make it out of bacon so people can have it on their toast great go you don't put bacon on toasty oh yeah well yes good um uh we got duplicity body harvesting idea. This is where people – I wrote duplicity. I think I meant multiplicity. Sure. But it's got to start out somewhere. Well, that's true.

Okay. Then we got guy who has trouble getting gun for revenge in Australia. Then we have industry around vampire guano. Then we have anger. It's sadness for him. Then we have Industry Around Vampire Guano. Then we have Anger, It's Sadness for Him. Then we have Sunsmart vs. Anti-Littering Rap Battle, Educational Rap Battle War.

And then we have Sudden Desk. Thank you so much for listening to Two and the Think Tank. We love that you did that. That was really cool of you. And thanks for continuing the music bed under me, Alistair. I felt really good about that. Check us out on Twitter. Buy tickets to Alistair's Comedy Festival show. If you're in the States or if you're in Spain,

buy Gustavo and Henry or Gustavo y Rita. Yes, and or if you're in Spain, buy Gustav and Henry or Gustavo and Rita. Yes, and or if you're in Spain, you can also buy tickets to my comedy festival show, which will be called Alejandro Trambula Vigel No Relaciones

Esta no Relaciones Great. And Magma's going to be going up online on the Stupid Old Channel very soon. By the time the next episode comes out, I dare say it'll be available for you to view there free. By the time this episode goes out, Magma should be on YouTube, and then possibly Teleport will be out within the week as well. Maybe it'll even be out by the time you hear this. No, the next one. Anyway, it won't be out. Teleport won even be out by the time you hear this. No, the next one.

Anyway, it won't be out. Teleport won't be out by the time you hear this. Okay. And we love you. And a toaster hymen. We love a toaster hymen. See ya. Bye.

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