Two In The Think Tank - 374 - "TOMORROWNITUS"

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

Weird Al Office, The Game for Extra Month, Horny Disease, Wake into Family, Wake From Nap in Fright, Wake into Witness Protection, Audio Goop, Drumming on Ear Drum, Tomorrownitus, Google Little ManTickets for Al's comedy festival show are here: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall (No Relation)Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello, come and see Alistair Trombley virtual no relation comedy festival. Yeah! Hello and welcome to Two and a Thing, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Oh man. I know I'm Alistair, John Trillium. John Trillium.

Yes. I saw somebody was doing a thing where they ask chat GPT for who they are. Right? And you can just put in your own name. Yeah. And then I did it with my kid. And then it said, uh, Alistair,

which was an Australian comedian, writer, and actor was born on May 7th, 1985 in Sydney, Australia. It's not my birthday or my location of birth. Uh, it was like best known for his work as writer on television shows the weekly with charlie

pickering i don't know how it knew that tonightly with tom ballard which i haven't worked worked on and mad as hell um it says he's also written for several publications including the guardian the sydney morning herald and junkie which is true. In addition to his work in comedy, Tromley Burchill is also a published author. His debut book, The Chituga River, A Natural and Cultural History, was published in 2012. He has also contributed to several other books on a variety of topics.

And in a second version of this i've done it says he has also authored several books including how to dad and milk teeth both of which are collections of humorous essays and observations on fatherhood and modern modern life it feels like it's getting this from an alternative reality yeah like it's pulling this in this i you know with the possible exception of the chattanooga river all of that seems plausible for you yeah some of them seem plausible so i don't know what's happening maybe it is using a um maybe it's using a quantum computer for this one it's and it's and it's broken through well i saw i saw somebody trying to explain quantum computer computing as saying that

they're borrowing like computing power from other dimensions and i was like what that's great can i borrow your computing power can i borrow you it was either that or like solutions or something like that i don't know yeah i mean whatever that is that sounds fascinating as well i mean this is the thing though this is the difference between us and chat gpt when we don't know something we either say it in a silly voice or we'll trail off. You'll be able to tell that we lack confidence in our answers. But with ChatGPT, this robot, I mean, really what it's incredibly good at is just lying to us, right?

Like all of that, that looks and sounds exactly like facts and there's nothing in there to indicate whether or not it thinks that stuff is accurate. I think he was born in 85. Probably. In Sydney. Like, I mean, I don't know how it's put that together. It's like, how is it hallucinating after, like, three lines?

I think, well, I mean, it is the thing of like, these are the kinds of words, all it is, is these are the kind of words that often go together, right? I know, but it's... This is often what people would say after that, but like... Yeah, I know, people keep saying that, that it's just like a thing that just picks one, like, you know, one word that comes next. But it is, like, putting it into a context and and it is gathering information from somewhere yes it's like it's not like it's just going all these are the kinds of things somebody would say if they were um talking about arsotropia virtual they would make up a date that he was born isn't it isn't it amazing that like i think for a long time we were like

watching all these dancing robots on the internet and looking at them and their skills and being like geez it'd suck to be a brick layer or something they're going to be able to lay bricks really soon really quickly and and then just like all of a sudden out of nowhere, it's like, bam, it turns out they could write stuff. Yeah, I know, but also. That's what they could do. It's like, oh, God, I'd hate to be a bullshit artist right now because it turns out that computers can bullshit way better than you. Yeah.

But also, Andy, I listened to an episode from almost two years ago, and you were basically saying, you know, it was the episode Weird Al-gorithm. And it was basically, you were talking about an AI that could write Weird Al songs very quickly and just tweet them out like all day long, just a million a day, which is basically what this is. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I mean, it could absolutely, man, yes, it could definitely. I'd be shitting myself if I was Weird Al right now. Yeah.

Luckily. Imagine if you're the guy who has to come in and tell Weird Al he's fired. Sorry, Weird Al. Well, I mean, he'll be able to retire and just set up an algorithm, a Weird Al-gorithm. Weird algorithm. But I think it is funny, the idea um weird al or someone like weird al someone who writes parody songs but they do it in such a way that they are working in an office they are working

for other you know for for other people right and they are demanding um the parody songs to be delivered to a certain standard and at a certain time, you know, the boss slamming their hand down on the table saying, I need that parody of XYZ, you know, Bruno Mars' Uptown Funk by 3pm. You're going to have to work on the weekend. A serious office where they have to do Weird Al songs. Yes, that's right. It feels like Weird Al would probably have done a sketch like this at some point in his long and beautiful life.

Where he is, you know, yeah, maybe he's the boss of this business demanding this stuff. I mean, I guess you can put that, you could make it a generally, just a general comedy office. You know? Yeah. Where it's just people who are trudging their asses into work. Yeah. Not necessarily, just like, God. It's like Willy Lomas or whatever his name is.

Willy Loman? Willy. Yeah. Willy Loman. Death of a salesman. But it's that he can't come up with the jokes. Alistair, this is too close to our real lives. Yeah, I know.

I know, but that's what I'm feeling. But I think also, you know, like, yes, if there's also clowns in there, you know, there's physical comedians and that sort of thing as well. Yeah. At this corporation, at this comedy corp, at this Ha Ha Incorporated, and producing, you know, bulk amounts of comedy for... What's this?

What's this? The consumer market. Hi, can I talk to you in my office today, please? You know, since it's your manager, just walk by your desk. Yeah, sure. No worries. You sit down, sit down, sit down. And he picks up a sheet and it's clearly a sheet of your jokes.

Tell me about these. How do you feel you've been doing last week? You feeling everything okay at home? I think that's great. Yeah? Alright. Home or the office? Handy analysis. It should be an off-pod

question. But let's say I was on the phone to somebody as a, you know, doing a one-side of a phone call. And the person asks me, let's say it's kind of like a job interview or something like that, or we're negotiating pay, and they say, are you excited? I respond, am I excited about working on this?

Well, when you do what you love um you don't work a day in your life so yeah i am excited about working on this yeah that's really funny okay yeah that's really good i don't think that's enough i think you know i i'd write that down i would find a way to maybe incorporate that into your comedy festival and i mean comedy it's funny that you should say that andy because that was the exact reason that i was asking yeah yeah because it's a bit that you've written for your comedy festival show yeah i'm not sure if i've bothered to take note of it yet but i was like oh yeah that's gotta go in there because it's a joke i'd i'd bother to take note of that yeah i know i know it's just there's so much to fucking take note of andy how did i get all it is how did

i get to nine days before the festival starts how did we did we get here how the fuck i don't know i don't know but i think there's a uh a business to be made establishing a a fake decoy comedy festival like a month and a half earlier in the year yeah but doesn't have to actually exist how do they trick me oh this is like get people to sign up this is the movie the game you know the movie the game i know it's been a while since we've done a the movie the game um sketch but you're not rich right sure but you sign up for this huge elaborate thing where these people trick you into thinking that an extra month has passed more than actually has. Right? Yeah.

And, I mean, I don't even know how the fucking last three weeks have gone by. And, you know, and it's just been regular. and you know and it's and it's just been regular so i would be able i would if you told me that i was in one of those things right now and this was a fake we are not really nine days away from my show starting uh i would tell you i'd believe it right um but how do they trick you how do they trick you um are they wake you do they do that thing where they wake you up in the middle of the night and they simulate daytime and they make you feel like you waste a whole day but in the middle of the night? Maybe they do that twice.

Yeah, how would they do that? They dress up as your kids. They make it seem like more days have passed right so what it would be is like ah that was a trick for the last year we've been putting an extra day time in the middle of the night each day maybe your clock forward and now you've actually got an extra month to work on your comedy festival show. Unfortunately, you have gone clinically insane from exhaustion. Yeah. Oh, my brain is doing a weird thing right now.

Like it feels like it's – I don't think it's a stroke. Let me just try both sides of my face. All right. No, that's good. Yeah, I'm good. Oh, we're doing well, Al. We're doing really good. But I think that's funny.

I mean, maybe not funny, but I think that's interesting, this service that will trick you into thinking more time has passed than it in fact has to allow you to be more organized. But it's to have that week of despair, right? It's to have that week of despair. And even though there are many days in the middle of the night, right? You work during those many days really hard to try and make that deadline. And you scrape through, right?

And you get something that's a bit garbage. But you make the deadline, right? Yes. And then they tell you, guess what? This was all a big ruse and you actually have an extra month with full nights of sleep. But you know what? I mean, they could actually do this.

We're talking about this like it's for the comedy festival, but imagine something that could even be more dramatically heightened than that and it's death, right? And what it is is you run your life at double time, right, having these extra days in the middle of the night. You think you're 85 years old and looking good, right? They stage your death. But feeling really bad because you've not slept a lot throughout your whole life.

Yeah, that's true. You're probably – maybe you look terrible and you feel terrible. Maybe for all intents and purposes you are 80 years old. But what it is is you're actually just sleep deprived because you've been living double speed extra secret midnight days. You're actually 60 or you're like 50. Yeah. 60 or you're like 50 yeah and you you you but then but then you die right in this in this they stage your death somehow make it very convincing then they get to sneak in an afterlife right like we build our own afterlife you can have an extra 40 years or whatever of afterlife.

Maybe they take you to an island or somewhere. Andy, just as an idea, we should have an afterlife in life. That's it. I know that that's probably what holidaying is, going on a holiday. It's like a little bit of afterlife in life. Yeah. But they should build an afterlife here. Yeah yeah i think that was what i was suggesting yeah no you're right sorry i know but but they should though yeah no but i'm but i mean like they should build one so that you don't have to spend all of your nights awake

sure the guy i guess they would oh the way that they would explain away why you feel so tired is sleep apnea. Maybe that's what sleep apnea is. There's no such thing as sleep apnea. You feel like somebody who wouldn't believe in sleep apnea. I mean, yeah, you're right. I do feel like somebody who wouldn't believe in sleep apnea i mean yeah you're right i do feel like somebody who would believe in sleep apnea i think i might start not believing in sleep apnea you know i think we've got to become much weirder and much more skeptical of um yeah of just everyday things why is it just that

covid was the one thing everyone was saying was a hoax. I don't believe in pens. You could pick any disease and say it's not real. That's true, yeah. Any condition. Not just COVID, you know. Yeah, because cancer feels like a good one because, you know, you could just say, oh, they're just using it to kill people off or something like that. Yeah, it's a good one but you know it's it's not it's one someone that lives really all that easily

in comedy because it affects so many people you know yeah yeah that's true common cold the black death that's a funny that's a funny thing yeah i think enough time has passed now it's no longer a tragedy it's just pure comedy the black death 70 percent of people were being killed by that it was high it was high it was high it could have been 30 it was like half the population of europe yeah that's high man that is high. It was a big number. A big Europe kill. And that was not long after First World War, right? There must be also the Black Death.

Yeah. Or am I just thinking of the Spanish flu? You're thinking of the Spanish flu. The Black Death was around Shakespeare's time. Right. Spanish flu, I think, killed a lot of people. Yeah. 21 million.

Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Pretty bad. I wonder if there's ever a disease that's going to come through that's going to cause a lot of births. A horny disease. Yeah, a real horny disease. That's interesting.

You know? Oh, that'd be great. I've got that Randy rabies. It's actually got a 50% stroke rate. Oh, that'd be great. I've got that Randy rabies. It's actually got a 50% strike rate. The population of Europe went up by 50% because half of all people had babies. I mean, I guess... The black horn. This is... I mean, you want it The black horn. This is...

I mean, you want it to be in a very consenting... The black horn. You want it to be in a very consenting way. Obviously, this has to be some sort of consensual disease. Andy, I'm not saying that... Consensual disease. No, no, no. I'm not saying that anybody has had sex against their will.

Everybody's fucking horny. It's a horny disease. Yeah, but I was going to go on and say that I think like some kind of zombie thing, you know, where it's like 28 days later, right, where you wake up after being in a coma, okay, but it's not that the streets are empty. It's that there's about twice as many people in the streets as you'd expect.

The streets are really crowded. Imagine filming that scene, that eerie scene where a man walks through the streets of London and there's even more people than would be considered normal. And how will you show that they're horny? Well, they've been producing, reproducing, I think. So in my mind, the reason there's so many people is because the population has exploded.

Maybe he's been asleep until nine months later. Do they run at you like they do in 28 Days Later? Well, I think they run at each other. They run at their beloveds, I presume, right? Oh, it's a disease that makes you really into your wife. But I think, you know, he goes out in the streets, everybody's pushing strollers and prams everywhere. Yeah.

Everybody's got those baby horns on. Yes. You know, and something about the disease also reverses menopause. Yeah. I mean. It allows women to produce new eggs, brand new eggs. Maybe it makes women produce eggs in the same quantity that men produce sperm. Yeah, and it, like, produce eggs at the rate of, like, chickens and stuff. They have one egg ready to be fertilised every day.

Every day, just in the pot. And when you're already pregnant, you can just add a baby to the sack. Let's say you got pregnant yesterday and then you have sex the next day. That egg will just go into the sack. There's a sack already. There's already a sack. One day on. A one- go into the sack. There's a sack already. There's already a sack. One day on. A one-day-old sack.

I think this is an idea, Alistair. Yeah, the horny disease. I think it's lovely. The black horn. And it's not a horror movie. No. It's a romance. It is a romance.

What do you think is the main storyline? Is it somebody who's really afraid to have kids? But he's been out camping somewhere by himself And then he comes back And this disease has taken over Yes And there's kids everywhere But then he still needs to fall in love with somebody.

Yeah, somebody else, I guess, who... Who similarly wasn't that keen. I guess if it's a romantic comedy or something like that, a romantic thing, they have to kind of dislike each other at first. Maybe it's a lady who has like 12 kids already. Maybe it's a lady who has like 12 kids already maybe it's a that her husband has died this would be an interesting movie in which you

you slip through time right so I think this would be a horror movie but it's a person who maybe they have some sort of like intermittent amnesia thing or or or you're not really sure whether or not they're actually jumping forward in time or if they're just losing time in their own minds but like they don't want to have kids right they're a person they they're relatively young they don't want to have kids and then then bam they wake up one day it's it's you know six years in the future they've got three

kids they're in this relationship they don't recognize these kids or anything about what's happening okay and then you know they slowly like try and figure out what's happening have they actually gone through time have they just like had a head injury or slowly like try and figure out what's happening. Have they actually gone through time? Have they just like had a head injury or something like that and forgotten the life that they've lived? Are they in somebody else's life? Then, you know, maybe bam, they're forward in time again and forward in time again.

But like, you know, it would be horrifying finding yourself in this world where every, you know, and I guess everybody around them, yeah, would know them and act like everything's normal, like they love them. Does this sound interesting? It does. Or am I just talking? No, it does sound interesting. It feels like a movie, you know, a guy who wakes up and he's in a relationship it's kind of like uh like a kafka thing but instead of being in a really odd situation you find yourself in quite a weird

domestic situation just it's only weird because you don't know how you got there yes yeah but you know i mean you you can then hint i suppose that suspicious things going on but then are things really suspicious or is that just what it seems like when you see when when you when time passes in that way do you think that somebody occasionally is looking at him from around the corner and you go oh there's probably some people that were involved in this. Then he chases them, and then when he gets on the other side of the corner, they're not there. Yeah.

Well, you know, I mean, if you did find yourself in that situation, you probably would be extra suspicious, extra vigilant, extra paranoid, be seeing things and suspecting that they were part of something when perhaps they ain't. Yeah, I mean mean that would be the problem right if you didn't know how you got somewhere even if it was like forward in time right and you saw somebody looking at you you said did you do this that's how quickly how quickly you can sound like an insane person i reckon reckon I could do that if I woke up from a nap in the afternoon

thinking it was the morning. You know, and then be like, what? Why is everybody cooking barbecue? Why is somebody cooking barbecue at this time? Going out there and seeing somebody cooking a barbecue. Suddenly very paranoid. Have you done this to me? It's a horror film called A Nap During the Day, right?

It's a horror story about a man who has a nap during the day and is never able to get back to, like, normality. Never able to. He's trapped in that feeling. He can't realise. He thinks he's woken up in the morning. He refuses to believe. And he can't, he's just not able to click back into regular time.

He's always going to be just like 12 hours ahead of where he's also in that slightly grog you know when you wake up and you have had that nap during the day you're in that groggy state that sort of really fucked up headspace that you get when you've had a nap when oh yeah and you're cranky feels like parts of your brain might never start working again and you're cranky. Yeah, exactly. It would be crazy if one of those slips forward in time, you wake up and your family has gone into witness protection for some reason.

So now not only are you in this other family, everybody's calling you a different name and then there are people watching you and waiting outside your house and you are supposed to like you know yeah you know there is this suspicious situation occurring i mean you know that'd be really unpleasant it'd be very odd if you had a nap and when you woke up there were two men with suits on and sunglasses and little wires that go into their ear and your wife is calling you by a different name and you're like honey what are you doing and she go michael smith you were we're just calling you by your name, Michael Smith, remember? And I'm Wendy Smith.

And you go, what the fuck are you doing, Suzanne? And she goes, Michael, stop playing like this. Who are you guys? She goes, all right, we're just going to go back into the bedroom. Right? And you're just like, you've gone into witness protection or something while you were in a nap. Yeah. And for some reason, they can't tell you why.

It can't be explained. Going into witness protection while you're in a nap you're writing it down i think so i think this is a good episode of two in the think tank the show where we come up with five sketch ideas i think we're feeling good. We're feeling funny. We're feeling confident. Oh, very confident, Andy. I mean, I'm already feeling a lot better than when we went into this,

although I don't like these extra large waveforms that are coming out on my thing. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I think it's a farce to say that if this is also unlistenable because you're peaking all the time, this could be one of the greatest episodes ever. Oh, I hope so.

You know, so much stuff comes from adversity. That's right. People love episodes that they are challenged on audibly through the oral medium. I'm thinking of coming up with a new – I'm going to pitch this to Amazon. It's going to be a new, like, listening service. It's going to be called Inaudible, and it's going to be all really badly recorded podcasts.

I wonder if you, you know how like, like sounds kind of make a vibration, right? Yes. And, and hearing is in a way, hearing that vibration. And I want like, it's, it's feel, I mean mean in a way it's feeling that vibration but it's feeling it with your hearing muscles or whatever yeah you're hearing bones but i wonder if you could recreate the vibrations that they make let's say on your nostril right in such a way that is so clear, like, not that you hear it, but that actually you can interpret the sensation of the vibration into the sound, like, as in understand. I think this is basically, is this not what cochlear implants do? I'm not completely sure, but I feel like they stimulate a different nerve somehow. Right.

And your brain is able to interpret it as sound. I think. I'm not completely sure. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.

Be sure. I thought you were going to go to the thing of like, you know, we experience vibrations through the air vibrating our eardrum. vibrations through the air vibrating our eardrum but like maybe there is what if you could get in there and you could manually work the eardrum you know yeah wiggle it maybe with a with a tiny little stick or something really really fast and put the vibrations directly into the eardrum instead of having to go through the air and and you could hear the vibrations as they truly are or could you fill your ears within like some kind of audio goop you know a very you know it's like that that transfers sound more efficiently more efficiently than air you know yeah an audio goop yes you just go to go to the sound shop and they lay you down and they pour from a big paint can.

Yeah, some audio goop into your ear. Audio goop. And then you've got super hearing. You can hear things. And they can probably also. So much better. It solidifies. Like it sort of hardens a bit like a, you know,

like some kind of, like a latex or something like that but they could also make it so that the mold they put over your ear when they're also makes your ear a lot like a bigger cone your ear like your outer ear so now we're talking yeah so you can really excited you can have some big bad ears or something like that, you know. But then all made of audio goop. So you get augmentation. You've got augmented hearing. Augmented. Be really good.

And then, like, you know, you don't have to have headphones. You don't have to have earbuds or anything like that. If you want to listen to your music what you do is you just turn it on and your speakers at home and then you can just hear that from wherever you are yeah that'd be so good you go into the city you're still listening to those speakers and everything else well maybe you're also able to filter it out very effectively. Maybe you also take heaps of Ritalin so that you're able to focus more clearly on the sound. Oh, that's good, yeah.

From the speakers at home. You take a mega dose of Ritalin. Turns out the reason why we get overwhelmed by sound sometimes is because we're not taking too much ritalin it's actually a flaw of the human body is that the body isn't able to produce any ritalin you've heard of overdosing well it turns out even more people are underdosing that's right suffering from a dangerous underdosing. We've actually found that overdosing with Ritalin is actually a dangerous form of underdosing. I don't know where we're going with this.

That's right. Yes. Correct. Yes. Correct. Are you making fun of the sounds that I make when I have nothing to say, Alistair? No, but actually I was talking about your sounds yesterday because I ran into Matthew who edited the pop test. Oh, yes. And I was talking to him about how much i learned from him um watching him edit something

where he's talking about about how much we communicate with breaths to let each other know that we're about to talk right and he was saying how much uh andy you know you know so how sometimes he he's always looking for the right breath to after an edit to put in to make it seem right. Yeah, that was amazing. That's next level. Yeah, giving a shit, you know. And then he said, but with Andy, there's a lot of good mmms like that after people say something. And then it's about finding the right mmm to fill in the space afterwards, you know.

Yeah. to fill in the space afterwards you know yeah it's like the he told me about that about like how there was like there are a few otherwise harsh edits that he he had a little stockpile of my that he could pull in to cover an edit yeah yeah and i was telling him wait can you look at waveforms and tell what's a good breath like because you know he's got breathed like things like that and i was like are you like cipher in the matrix and you can just look at waveforms and go i don't even see the code anymore i just see blonde brunette like that but he said that that's not the case yes it's disappointing he still needs to hear the sound yeah you can't just edit by waveform alone. Yeah. That's a shame.

Oh, well. You know, I suppose even the very good have limits. Yes. Andy, technically we have over five sketches, very quality sketches. Maybe you could get someone with drumsticks to drum directly onto your eardrum. Maybe that would be something. Be an interesting experience. Like a very small drum?

Tiny drumsticks. I guess you could use those, you know, like one of those things that they use for like micro keyhole surgery that doctors use where they, you know, they use those hands and those robotic arms so that they can make much smaller movements. You know, more delicate. And then you can get... And then go in there with tiny, with surgical drumsticks. Get one of the world's most famous drummers, you know.

Yeah. Get Ringo Starr himself to play drums directly onto your eardrum. That's an experience just for you. I mean, that's as good as Bezos shooting you up into space. Gotta be. You know, they should do it to Captain Kirk.

Since going up into space made him feel so sad. Yeah. We gotta get him a good experience. Yeah, you got it. Ringo, start. Okay, right. Now, lie down.

We're going to make the incision. Just sign this. Say that you don't mind that if this does ruin your hearing. Well, we've got to make an incision so we can't just go in through the ear hole. We've got to open up the whole side of your head. I think... We can't get the machinery in there i don't easily i don't know if you can actually access the the eardrum like the bone bit can you i don't know well you don't need the bone bit but is the bone bit on the other side of the drum i think the bone bits on the

other side of the drum mate yeah right so is it the is it the drum vibrating the bone bit? I think the drum might vibrate the bone. Yeah. Why not? Yes. Thank you. I'm ChatGBT and that's how it works. All right. Should I write that down?

Drumming directly on the eardrum? Look, I'm going to say it's absolutely up there with some of the best ideas from this episode of the podcast. Directly on the eardrum. Drum. Great. Captain Kirk. Okay.

Great. What I'm going to do is I'm going to get some little beads strung across my eardrum, so it's like a snare eardrum. And everything I hear will have that little rattle to it. Oh, yeah, that's really good. Because I love jazz. Yeah? Yeah.

That's a good rattly jazz. Yeah, that nice rattly jazz. Oh, you've got that jazz rattle in my ear. I got that jazz rattle in my ear. I was just thought about, you know, if like certain music makes your ears ring, you know, I guess it would make sense if bell music made your ears ring. But if like sort of gong music made your ears bong,

that's nothing. It's nothing, Eddie. It's nothing. Andy. It's nothing. Yes, great. Tinnitus. I got tinnitus, and then I'm hoping to have tomorrow-nitis. What are we doing? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, so what is... So you hear a ring. So what is... Tinnitus, you hear a ringing. Yeah. Right? Tomorrow-nitis, that's where you hear a ringing to postpone. To postpone what? I don't know.

Whatever it is, somebody's calling you up to postpone. Yesterday-nitis. Last-nitis, of course. Last-nitis. Last-nitis. Tonight-is, last-nitis. Tonight-is, there's something there, Alistair. I have tonight-is.

Tonight-is. God. I can't believe I'm writing those words down. It doesn't look good on that page, Andy. I want you to know. No, I bet. I bet. Tinnitus.

Tinnitus. A ringing. A dull ringing. I hear a dull ringing. I'm getting a phone call from my accountant. I hear a dull ringing. A dull ringing. I hear a...

All right, and I'll just take us to three words from a listener. How do you feel about that sure yeah i think everybody's everybody everybody's 40 minutes in and just going all right come on fucking absolutely everybody absolutely everybody okay well specifically today dominic stevenson dominic stevenson dominic stevenson dominic stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson. Dominic Stevenson is a Patreon supporter. Very respectable name. Oh, absolutely.

You know what? Really hogging all the syllables. Is that seven? Seven? Wait. Dominic Stevenson. Six. It's not that many. But I bet you Dominic Stevenson's got a long middle name.

Oh, God, I bet. Yeah. He is well hung in the middle name department. That's right. Chat GPT says it's hippopotamus. Amazing. Yeah. So now do you want to try to guess what um dominic stevenson's three words are rumble fish rumble fish rumble fish incorrect the first one is physical Physical. Reaction. No, Andy, no.

Virtual. Physical. Virtual. Okay. Physical, virtual, spiritual. It's a good guess, but it's way off. Assistant. Physical, virtual, assistant. Oh, oh okay great or as they would say in australia ass assistant yes that's that's that is how we speak over here

ass assistant um now okay so a physical assistant. The first thing that comes to mind is that you ask, you've got a little thing on your desk and you, right, it's a little box, you know, like a Google screen or whatever, and you say, hey, Google, what's the weather going to be like today? Right? And then this little thing gets up on some little legs, goes over to the window and has a look out. It says, looks nice.

Google. It scuttles over to the window. It's like a Google man, but it's like. It's a little Google man. Little Google man. Google sape. Google sape. Google Saip Google Saip You say hey Google

Hey Google And then you're like play Play Tiny Dancer By Elton John And then he gets out a couple of spoons Couple of spoons Pulls together a few pots and pans from off the bench and does its best.

Yeah. Does a little good. Gives it a little go. I like that. Little Google man. Little Google man. Google man? What should I?

Okay, Google, what should I wear tonight? And then Google man goes into your cupboard, comes out with a belt. Drags stuff out. It's really hard for him because he's small. He has to climb. He has to climb. Grab onto like a long jacket and sort of pull himself up to the areas.

Grabs like a coat hanger. Adds that to the belt. He doesn't coat hanger, adds that to the belt. He doesn't really know, but he's trying. He doesn't, he has to learn with you a little bit, but also maybe he never learns because he just knows. He's like chat GPT. I just know how to put a bunch of things together. Yeah, I think this Google man is not connected to the internet.

Yeah. That's my feeling. Yeah, he's got, he is not connected to the internet. Yeah. That's my feeling. Yeah, he's got, he's just, it's a program. Everything's, yeah, already downloaded. Yeah, and he just has a few skills. I think what we need, I think in a way. And a positive attitude. I like that stuff like chat DPT and Google Little Man does make shit up like this.

Like is, I think that's kind of what I need to bring me joy is a little idiot. I just need a little fucking idiot in my life like that, that just does stupid shit. I mean, that's a big part of what having kids is. This is what we thought, you know, we were promised that's a big part of what having kids is. This is what we thought. You know, we were promised that having a monkey, living with a monkey would be like that. Actually living with a monkey is horrific. It's awful.

It should be fun. Yeah. It wants too much and it will fight for it. We need a little docile idiot. You know? little docile idiot you know and i think i think that chat gpt and google they they need to just release a little man yep you know and he just rides on your shoulder yeah oh great you know and he's just really soft like he really is like a cube with legs and little muscular arms on its side. Right?

And maybe just a little face on the cube. But it's all fleshy. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. And he's like, oh. Does he eat?

I don't think he needs to. Oh, great. Yeah. I'm really glad. Because I don't want to have to look after him. No, no, no. I think he can go lay in the sun and get recharged a bit. But it's just vitamin D.

He runs on vitamin D. Oh, that's fantastic. But then something does happen to him. Does he die? Does he get sick? I don't know. He's still happen to him. Does he die? Does he get sick? I don't know. He's still trying to help. He gets hit by a little kid on a tricycle.

Oh, Google Man. He's running out to tell you whether or not the garbage man has come. When you say like, and you're like hey little google man and you ask him to like remind you of a meeting you've got coming up or something he writes it down on a little piece of paper that he keeps there next to him and he checks it all the time and then when it's time to remind you, he comes over to you and he taps you on the shoulder. Oh, man. Yeah. Like, my Indiana woke me up the best way the other day. I can't remember.

It was just like, she either just kind of grabbed, like, just lightly grabbed my hand with both, with more my arm with both hands. And then it was just like, it was just kind of warmth and yeah gentle but once we have a little man we won't need wives i won't need that i won't need that most wonderful moment with my love i'll be able to have that with a little man but depending on if he's going to pull through after getting hit by the tricycle you know it's like that's going to pull through, I have to get hit by the tricycle. You know, it's like, that's going to happen. Because it's like, if you're going to be like bouncing like a Super Bowl, you know, with Little Man, and then it's going to go on the road, and Little Man's going to try and cross the road.

And then cars are going to hit Little Man all the time. He gets hit, right? And he has brain damage. And so like when you ask him to remind you about meetings or something like that, he can't remember. He doesn't know. Or he keeps reminding you about the same meeting over and over again. Yeah. Even though it happened years ago. Yeah.

Oh, little man. Oh, little man. I wanted you dumb, but not this dumb. Come on, little man. as you're dumb but not this dumb come on little man and then you take him to a doctor and it's just a slightly bigger google man oh yeah that's great and he's just and he's just got ointments and stuff because the little man he's's got in or out holes. It's a hole just integrated in the flesh somehow. Yeah.

It's uniform almost all the way through. The only way to interface with him is either verbally or by rubbing a lotion into his flesh. You can only program him through lotion. And then they go, oh, we've got an update here. And then he could just grab a tube of ointment and they squeeze it and they just rub the update into his back. He has the freedom of will, little man, to leave if he feels like he's not in a safe situation.

If he's not being respected in the house, I want little man to be able to leave. a safe situation if he's not being respected in the house i want little man to be able to leave i don't want i think he's too beautiful to be mistreated which some people would mistreat him and i think that's horrible yeah and i don't i don't think that he can be hurt but oh good yeah i think he can be damaged but still you want him to have some dignity yeah but he just you know know, he perseveres. He's got resilience. Oh, yeah.

See, that's what that really, I find that heartbreaking. I find perseverance to be one of the most heartbreaking things. That's why I'm making sure that my kids aren't resilient at all. Because I don't want them to break my heart. Don't break my heart. Remember, kids, if you give up early dad'll never be sad should i take us through the sketch ideas andy sure i'm i'll brace myself and then we've got a serious office for weird owl songs or and or, or just comedy. It's just, it's the comedy serious office. It's probably just a, it's like somebody has found a way of just taking,

you know, it's like, because at the moment it feels like jokes themselves don't have actual value outside of a context. But let's say we've've just they've created a comedy company that just probably sells jokes to like advertising agencies and things like that yeah and it doesn't really matter what the context is they build the context around the joke they just need a joke right they need a they need a parody song they need whatever right so then maybe these these people are living in a reality where they they're in this business they're in this um facility where these things are required but they don't even know about the outside world they don't know where these things are going they just have to produce that's kind of what it's like writing one-liners

when you write one-liners every every single one is its own little universe. And it's not connected to any other context. And so there is kind of stuff like that where it's like, yeah, they could easily be creating work that isn't about anything other than where it starts and where it ends. Okay, sorry. Then we've got the game, but for procrastination to give you an extra month right and then we have horny disease the black horn that's where there's so many more people imagine that you're in time square and it's super extra busy

i mean you already have trouble walking there normally but now it's cuckoo um then we got waking everybody has a baby everybody's got a baby um we got waking in a family you know you've just you've been time zapped forward in some some way and now you have a family that you don't know who they are um we've got the horror story waking from a nap that's where that's where you you wake from a nap going on you're not sure i think it's really funny the idea you could just make a trailer for it and it's just a nap What's going on? You're not sure I think it's really funny The idea You could just make a trailer for it And it's just a guy

Who's just woken up From a nap during the day That's the whole thing He's just like Scared of things What's going on? Why are you guys having roast First thing in the morning?

Yeah And then it's just called Daytime nap Afternoon nap yeah and then this is called daytime nap afternoon nap everybody's gone crazy that's him losing his mind um going into witness protection while you're in a nap

god that got written down i think it's very good solid think about it just think about it a little bit God, I'm glad that got written down. I think it's very good. Solid. Think about it. Just think about it a little bit. Okay, then we've got audio goop in your ear. That's so that you can hear the radio.

You know, your stereo is at home while you're in the city at work. You know? For some reason you can't hear what any of your colleagues are saying. Eh? Eh? I'm too focused. I've had so much riddle. I'm drumming

directly on the ear. On the eardrum. That's right. We've written it down. Oh, I don't see you protesting that one, Andy. No, I think that's really good. That's a very good one. It's an intimate performance, isn't it?

Yes, that's right. It's very intimate. Nobody else would hear anything. Exactly. They say, why is he dancing so much? Exactly. They say, why is he dancing so much? Well, you see that enormous machine that's connected to his head? Right.

And you see on the other side of that glass pane, famous drummer from the Beatles, Ringo Starr? Richard Starr. See how he's operating, that surgery robot? A very accurate surgery. He's playing the drums. That's why he's dancing so wildly. Then we have tinnitus, tamorinitis, and lastnitis. And then we have tamorinitis is when you get a ringing in your ears

because you're going to a concert the following evening. Tomorrow-nitis. Right. I have tonight-is. That's because I went to a concert last night. That's a lot. Tomorrow-nitis because I'm going to a concert last night. That's a lot. Tomorrow-nitis, because I'm going to a concert tomorrow. Well, I think you come home from a concert tonight.

The ringing in your ears. The ringing in your ears. You've got tinnitus. Right? And I guess it's called tinnitus because usually that's the condition when you have it every night yes but tomorrow night is when you you get it when it's like pre-cog but for tinnitus yeah it's like you're you're a, but you've got a psychic disease. I've got a psychic condition.

I'm going to hear a loud concert tomorrow night and my ears are rigging. I used to have tinnitus. I suppose you could call it yesterday-nitis. Last-nitis. Last-nitis. And then we have Google little man. Google little man. Little man.

I love you, little man. I'm actually sad I don't have a little man. Yeah, I know. Me too. I think we should get together and draw, or separately, we should draw our pictures of what we think little man looks like and then compare. Yeah. Yeah, and then maybe we could post it on the two in the think tank.

That's a great idea. Twitter and Instagram. I've already started drawing mine. Oh, God. All right, hang on. I've got a pen here and some paper. I'd better get onto it as well. Yeah. I've got it. I've got on. I've got a pen here and some paper. I'd better get onto it as well. Yeah.

I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I need that drawing of Little Man on my desk by 3 p.m. I mean, I'm sorry that I've distracted the podcast, but maybe while we're drawing, we can do the song. I'm really happy with my little man. Oh, man, he's so good. Yeah, he's everything I hoped he would be. Mine's okay so far.

Not the best yet. Mine's heavily informed by you saying that he has bulky arms. Oh, yeah, look at that. He's a good little guy. Yeah, I got a good little man too. I'm going to give him a hat. Oh, really? Yeah. I got a good little man too I'm going to give him a hat Oh really Yeah

Oh yes that's really brought it all together Oh good on you mate I love you little man Andy's left his family for little man Oh I would leave my family for little Ben. Little Ben. In a heartbeat. Oh, in a heartbeat.

Okay, wait. I've got... I've almost finished my little man. Okay, I've finished my little man. I really like my little man, too. All right, well, you can follow us on Twitter. I'm at AlistairTB. We're at Two & Tank.

Andy's at Stupid Old Andy. You can review us. And you can check us out on Instagram at Two & Tank as well. You can... Oh, we're about to... Oh, Magma has been released on YouTube. You can go watch it. It's now been seen by way more people than it was ever seen live.

It's been seen by 2,000 people. Oh, no, no, of course you're right. Of course you're right. Oh, yeah, my God. And people have been making very nice comments and stuff like that. Alistair, I've sent you a photo of my Google little man. Oh, really? Okay, wait.

Let me get my little... On your phone. Okay, wait. Hang on. I just got to get my photo. Okay, wait. There he is. Oh, wait.

I'll try and get him. There he is. Okay, I'll send these to you. Yeah, great. I'm sorry, Andy. I can't hear you because I've picked up my phone and my thing popped up this is a really good podcast I'm actually

now it's my favourite episode ever I'm really glad we turned it around like this what's that I was just saying it's now my favourite

episode ever and I'm really glad we were able to turn it around like this oh yeah me too except my fucking phone is so bad

it's not sending the picture oh what are you sending it through? Send it through Messenger. I'm sending it on Messenger now. Great, because I tried to send it as a text message. Oh, yep, there you go.

That's sent now. There you go. Now you've got it. It's loading. Oh, and Alistair sent me something. Oh, they're very similar. Yeah. Oh, yours is great.

Yeah. I mean, yours creeps me out a little bit with those eyes. I know, but it's because he takes it so easy. He kind of looks like he could be stoned or something like that. Hey, little man. Anyway, if you're listening to the podcast, please also send us your version of little man as well. Yeah, please do.

What do you think he would look like? Send us your little man. We got to get Google onto this fast. Send us a picture of your little man if you know what I'm saying. All right. So I guess we better wrap up, Andy. We. We.

Love. You. You. Bye. Despite everything we make you sit through. Bye., Andy. We. We. Love. You. You. Bye. Despite everything we make you sit through. Bye. Yeah, thank you. Bye, little man.

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