Two In The Think Tank - 376 - "RAPUNZEL LET UP YOUR HAIR"

Episode Date: April 16, 2023

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When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th Exclusively on Disney Plus 18 Plus Subscription required T's and C's apply G'day everybody

It's Alistair here I'm just plugging my show It's called Alistair Trombley Virtual No relation You'll find it at the Trades Hall 6.30 up until April 22nd Come on down and buy a ticket

And then you will be happy Here we go What would you call What you did at the start of this episode? How would you describe that? Because it's not music. It wasn't musical. And yet parts of my body that respond to music began to vibrate. Parts that were once thin began to vibrate. Barts that were once thin

began to thicken. Yeah. So, yeah, Andy, I would call it a sing-talk. A talk-sing. It's an improvised talk-rap. Yeah, yeah yeah it's not so much hip-hop but maybe a bit of just a bit of flip-flop yeah flip flip-flop hip-flop a little

bit of tip-top yeah um flip alistair i wonder if any any mcs have ever included you know because they like to talk themselves up of course in their raps you know wonder if any mcs have ever included you know because they like to talk themselves up of course in their raps you know wonder if any mcs have have have have tried saying my hip-hop is tip-top oh that's that feels like it'd be yeah that's right there that's right there that's the low-hanging fruit of self-promotional rap material yeah i would i haven't met yet any i haven't heard yet any of these hip-hoppers saying things such as, my hip-hop is not that good, but it could get better in time. I'm working hard and I plan to improve. But I'm not working that hard.

But I'm hoping that just doing it for a long time will cause it to improve. hoping that just doing it for a long time will cause it to improve. I mean, there are in some ways doing something for a long time. Surely there's some work involved in that. But you're right, maybe it's not the grind. Or maybe it is the grind, but it's not the hustle. Andy, do you mind if I was to just say hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas and then also then follow that up with saying I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Ritchell? And I'm Andy.

I wouldn't think that was untoward at all, Alistair. I think that would be a welcome addition to the podcast. Great. And one that I think that we should start to incorporate regularly. On every episode, maybe? I mean, it's so hard to do something every day or whatever, you know. And so every podcast, Jesus, all right. I'm not free anymore.

I just have to do this now. I'm not made of regular podcast things. Yeah, exactly. Now, before we came into this podcast and we were talking about something you said oh i've got such a good sketch all day hi like that yeah and so yeah why should i stand in your way any longer and let the audience hear it you know i am essentially just a cone, just a barrier that stands in the way of your sketch ideas. I think also, but before we get to it, let's put another barrier,

which is that I would like to point out that if any of the listeners have ever wondered what George, the producer of this podcast, sounds like, it's that impersonation that alistair just did of me oh my brother triple j yeah fucking hell it's me george here i am producing the podcast hey oh no i'm andy's brother i'm gonna be asked to watch the children but I won't do it high. Once he did. He came all the way out here and he looked after the children.

It was fantastic. It worked out great. I really should tap into the well of George more often. Yeah, well, I mean, I suppose all your other family members are getting worn down a little bit. You should probably give them a month off. They're all undergoing hypertrophy on every muscle. Yes. All right.

So this is my great idea that I was really excited about before the podcast. Can I try and guess what it is? It has the words butt chunks in it. It does not have the word butt chunks, but that's a great guess. Maybe this is a new thing that we'll introduce. I'll try and guess what the old sketch idea is going to be. All right. We have one sketch idea from an Andy.

Would you like to guess? I don't know if you know this about the podcast, Alistair, but we have an Andy. And sometimes that Andy gets to submit sketch ideas. Okay. And, yeah, and, you know, would you like to guess what that sketch idea is? I mean, I'll try anything at this point.

Could it be that he is a guy who has started a snack company and he's called it butt chunks and it's basically pork crackling with a little bit of pork on the bottom of it but it's dried it's kind of like it's been crackled, then dried, and then salted. Well, salted somewhere along the process. And then it's like a bag of chips, but it's just meat and fat. Can I tell you, Alistair, that that inspired in me a really – I thought you were going to go down the angle of butt chunks would be like a Pez dispenser, but it's a Pez where you dispense the the things through the bottom it's like a it's like a pez with an asshole that's good yeah you lift a butt instead exactly and it

it makes more sense you know it shits out these little bricks you know that does make a lot more sense why are those bricks coming out of their mouth yeah and and you're working against gravity as well i mean that's an absurd why why why put yourself through that hardship when you know naturally yeah it should go on the bottom it should be a bottom on the bottom we could call it a poos oh yeah it's p-u-z with and the u has an umlaut over it. Umlaut. Okay, poos. You don't like that? That's good. I wrote Pez butt, but poos is better.

I mean, we should contact the Pez people and say, look, just at least make one that has both, you know, has a top and a bottom, and then you can have that forbidden Pez. You could start. You know what you would do? What you would do is you would start by taking a model that they've, you would start by taking a model that they've already created, right?

That their face kind of looks like a butt a little bit. Yeah, yeah. And then you'd stick it. And then you'd show up and you'd go to a meeting and then you would stand in front of them, all the executives. All the Pez executives. Yeah-pegscivatives. Yeah, that's right. And then you would hold it up and they'd be like, yeah, we know that. Yeah.

And then you would turn it upside down and they would go, and they would see it in a new light. This is because you've brought it you've brought in an led yeah this is which is brand new place to clap yeah oh that's good i like that it's it's almost like a you know a darth maul lightsaber of pez yeah you know both ends and it it you could you could also you know i'm sure there are Maverick Pez fans out there who are already jury rigging these of their own by taping two Pezes together back to back, you know, and invert it.

You know, there'd be a huge Pez hacking, underground Pez hacking scene. That's true, yeah. Yeah. All you've got to do is type. All sorts of crazy stuff with their Pez. You just got to type in Pez hack into Facebook and you'll find all the subterranean groups. I mean, you could imagine any Pez that involves one of the...

Not all of them, but definitely, I think, Sneezy or Dopey from the Seven Dwarves. Yeah. One of them, I think both of those don't have beards? Yep. Or is it just Dopey? I think only one of them didn't have a beard, and I don't know which one it was. Is it Dopey or Sneezy?

It feels like it would be Dopey. Dopey, yeah. And I think if you put two Dies next to each other i think maybe the it probably wears i think dopey always wears a kind of like a sleeping cap like one of those long hats that you'd normally sleep in you know those hats that you sleep in oh yeah that's right what am i sleeping hat and and i think that those would kind of give a bit of a leg effect once you turn it upside down. And the bald face would give it a real butt cheek effect.

Right. So, really, we've got two dopies side by side. That was what you were suggesting. No, that's not what I was suggesting. I was suggesting just one. You get two pezzas, right? And you have one facing up for the head and one facing down for the butt, right? And you have them in opposite directions like that to make a double-ended pez.

Okay. You're saying I use two pez in parallel. Yeah. One next to the other. Yeah. Well, I guess what doesn't work about my idea, which I took from your idea that you just mis-expressed, that is, you know, I guess the problem with mine is that the pairs are coming out of each cheek. Yes. And that's not how butts work but what if we change butts so that it fits our new pez idea

and you get you get an asshole for each leg yes so that you can you can poop directionally this is like how you know john howard he created the electorate that he wanted you know he wanted a small-minded racist electorate and he made one and then exactly and he stayed in power for you know four terms or whatever yeah this is this is that but with the human ass you know what i was trying to do with it when i said he poops and i can't remember what exactly i said but in i meant tried to i meant to say i said you can poop directionally but i was trying to take the sensory thing you know like you could you know like we do with eyes in that third dimension. You know, but... Well, so like you'd be able to poop depth.

Poop depth. That's a great... That's the most clear version of the joke. Well... Andy, it is the most clear. I'm not saying it is a clear joke. But within the bounds of what's possible. That joke has peaked for clarity.

Oh, yeah, Andy. And you did it. With the expression poop depth. You did it in such an economy of words. I mean. Thank you. Oh. Now, what I was, I guess, what I was, the idea that I was so excited about before the podcast.

12 minutes ago. Yeah, it was a school bus. Yeah. Where the children emerged through either – A butthole. The bus is a butthole. Well, it would be a sort of a cloaca, I guess, at the back of the bus, a big fleshy cloaca that they sort of squirm out of.

Yeah. Or possibly if the bus is in a terrible accident and they bring along the jaws of life, they have to perform some – so the bus would have to be big and fleshy. Yeah, big flesh bus. Whatever flesh colour you desire. It doesn't have any windows, the flesh bus, the big flesh bus. Whatever flesh colour you desire. It doesn't have any windows, the flesh bus. I picture it.

It's the flesh of a bear, a black bear, and it's got black flesh but then also black hair on it. There you go. And it's in quite a wooded area. Yeah, it's one of those wood buses. No, I'm not saying the bus is wooded. I'm just saying that the bus, the school that it goes to is in a wooded area. It's a very foresty kind of area.

Yeah, great. I think if you were to build a bus to drive through a woody area, a bush bus. Yeah, bush bus. That had to drive between a lot of trees and weave its way through forest. Would you make a long, flexible bus like a snake? Or would you make a very high bus, very high with a very narrow base where the children sit one above another so that it can duck around trees? Why would being high allow it to duck around trees?

Well, I'm thinking i've forgotten about branches i was living in a world where branches didn't exist so i was thinking of only trunks yeah i mean there are you know in in many uh in many forests that are set up to be uh lumber plantations yeah they do have things that cut off um branches up into a certain point so that you get less knots in the wood is that what you were thinking um it is now yes because we had a project when i was at university where basically a guy from a lot from like a like the the forestries industry came to our thing and was like what would you design is like a machine that could cut branches like a robot that we could just go up and snip off branches like that and then we had to like

design machines that could just like you could just clamp to a tree and they would just go up and snip off branches that's fucking cool yeah i love that idea yeah but then basically a robotic koala yeah exactly that's exactly what my design looked like and it's it buds its ears were circular sores but what i was but all i wanted was for a bus that when it drops the children off at the school was it gives birth to them okay so like it like it's like an uzi bus it's an uzi bus like no not a bus with like a like a uzi like it just goes like that okay shoots the kids out to their houses so you just mean like a bus with like a

like a sort of like a tube at the back and then you kind of slide out and it's like oozes you out and you you get out whenever we hear a story about children being shot at a school it's always stay with me alistair yeah it's always the children are at the school and they are being shot but never are the children being fired out of a oozy bus yes at the school children are you i have some news ma'am your child was shot at a school today which means we had a successful trial of our new uzi bus yeah that's fun i mean it's a gun bus you know whenever i hear that kids have have got shots at school have been have been shot at school i always look up the article and then i press on the link and then i read the article and then i'm relieved when i

find out that it was guns and not vaccines that they received ah they were shot your child was shot there were shots at the school and i go what and then i'll read it further and it turns out it was just a gunman, not a doctor with... A life-saving vaccine. Thank goodness. Nothing went against my regular ideas. Someone should invent some kind of injection that stops you from getting vaccines

only there are a way today i saw there was a headline on the on the guardian do you still go to the guardian occasionally don't you i can't stop myself alistair do you go there how many times how many times an hour would you say you go there? An hour? Probably only three or four times an hour. Okay, great. So, did you see today about the, they say by the end of the decade, there'll be vaccines for heart disease and cancer? Yeah. It looks pretty good, doesn't it?

It looks pretty good. I'm not going to hold my breath. No? Well, I don't think that helps. I don't think that helps. I don't think that helps. Can they come up with a vaccine for asphyxiation? Oh, I'm not going to hold my breath. It doesn't quite work, does it?

I'm not sure. Could they? That would be good, though, wouldn't it? A vaccine for asphyxiation? Yes, that would actually be good. You know, today I attempted a joke today about commas and about how I don't think that they're needed because they don't seem like they're that needed

in verbal conversation. But people say that they're... I don't know if this is actually a working joke i tried it once and maybe it was just kind of once you know first time luck but i was saying you know i don't like that thing about when you're using you're reading about come you know you're reading commas and people say oh well we've put commas in there so that people know when to take breaths you know and then i'm like well it's a bit intense because i was reading a list of uh you know santa's reindeers and it was like rudolph you know cupid you know like you know

standler and randler bamford like that you know so it seemed like too much i feel like i'm doing the wim ho method. Anyway. But then, you know, but then the other day my kid was choking. And that was quite a terrifying moment. But then I showed my child a comma. And it saved their life because it reminded them to take a breath. An induced comma. An induced comma.

Andy, I've only written down Pez butt or poos. And we have been going for the... It is so far the longest podcast we've ever done. Write down flesh bus. Flesh by the flesh bus I know but flesh bus But like okay It's like Write down

Child shot at a school Okay Yeah I'll write down child Child Shot at a school Oh god I mean we just need to change the narrative Right

Just change the narrative Turn it into a good thing Yes Exactly If the problem is Oh, God. I mean, we just need to change the narrative, right? Just change the narrative. Turn it into a good thing. Yes, exactly. If the problem is that it bothers you, well, then we've just got to change that it bothers you. That's the problem. Yeah, the problem. As far as I'm concerned. It might be easier to change that it bothers you than to change gun laws in America.

So what if we pay for psychological – Yeah, you go. What if we just decided to all be okay with children being killed? Not okay. We actually enjoy it. It feels like that might be more achievable, you know? Oh, are you saying even turn it into a good thing into a positive i'm saying that if if what if the nra started funding psychological

training experimentation training you know for for anybody that it bothers. Does it bother you? Yes? Well, then just do this. Take this online course. Do you have a problem with this? Sounds like you have a problem. So we'll just try and fix that. You're the one that has the problem with it.

Well, you know, yeah. Okay. What can we do with it? should i just write it down or just write it down write it down that's what we can do we have the power with this tremendous ability to do something with something you don't know if i have a pen down you don't know if i have a pen or not do you think that was pretty close to forrest gump it wasn't that close but no i couldn't have guessed what it was because it also didn't sound like it doesn't sound like a version of something he says in the movie doesn't sound like the voice that he's saying it in yeah but so many years have. You haven't seen Forrest Gump since like 93 or something like that.

Like that's when he made that movie. Yeah, sure. Do you think he would still sound exactly like what was essentially a young man compared to what he would be now? Think about 93, Andy. 93 goes 2003, 2013, 2023. That's 30 years since the year I guessed Forrest Gump was released. I don't think it's 93. I reckon it's later than that. I reckon it's 98. I reckon it's later than that. I reckon it's 98.

Alright. I'm going 1998. Alright, here we go. Forrest Gump 94. Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, man. Yeah.

Do you think if they made another Forrest Gump, do you think it would be Forrest but now his name has got three r's in it oh it is a rapper uh he could be sure i just thinking about like how you make it how do you make the sequel how do you what do you call the sequel maybe there's four r's in forest if there were two in the first one yeah but the two that's that's what makes it difficult as as a motif to use for the sequel thing what like as you've picked something that doesn't match up with the number one

well there was one lot of two r's in there. Yeah, there was one lot. Okay. But now Gump has two P's. What if it was Foo-rest Gump for the second one? Two O's. By the end of the series, and this is going to turn into the Forrest Gump extended universe. Yeah.

He's going to have double. By the last film, he's going to have double. All last film he's going to have double all of those letters are going to be double letters oh all the way through you don't think we would just add a third O to the second one the third one

no that would be weird putting three of a letter in a word really strange you'd have to be crazy to even suggest that. So it would become F-F-O-O-R-R. R-R-E-S-T would be the next one. Also, then the motif is how many double letters are there in the word. That's the motif.

That's it. That's it. We worked it out. All right. I'm so sorry. Yeah. So that makes the title a real puzzle you know it doesn't give you any clues so so they're all called each movie is called forrest gump but it's just print it's just spelled slightly differently is gump getting

any changes yeah i mean because that one's always going to be one behind the first one, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Gump. I'm excited for this. I suppose we could... I think they should make a sequel to Forrest Gump, because there's been so many more things that have happened since then.

There are so many more events that he could be placed inside of. Exactly. What events would you... Let's say it was made this year. What events of the last 10 years would you place him in? Obviously, he'd be at the January 6th riots, the storming of the Capitol. Do you think he would appear in any of the either tweets or posts of Andrew Tate?

Yes. either tweets or posts of andrew tate yes he'd obviously have like it's not it's not within the last 10 years but he'd have to be at the world trade center at 9 11 right oh yeah and so what what silly thing would he be one of the people falling silly billy. I think he'd probably be a first responder. Okay, rather than a person falling from like the upside down man? Yeah, the upside down man. Is that what they call him? I don't know. I can't remember what that guy, but the falling man or whatever, that guy who was perfectly upside.

Maybe he could be the right way up man. Do you think anybody looked at the picture of that guy falling out of the window of the World Trade Center and said, he's upside down? I think that's what they were thinking. I think that was the first thought in their head. That man is upside down. Yeah, I don't

and you know what I've realized with when you've asked me this, that I actually, I'm not sure I know the mind of men. Yeah, sure. I'm incapable of understanding the mind of men or women. Who knows what darkness lies in the hearts of men? Oh, hearts.

Not Alistair. Yeah, not me. Well, I didn't say I don't know what's in the hearts of men. No, of course. You've got a great instinct for that you've got a you keep a close watch on that heart of mine um i do and of everybody else's do you do you think that i ever do anything to keep your heart in check do you think do you think you've ever had an evil inclination that I've stopped you heading towards? I'd say you've kept me – you do observe me, Alistair, and you do try and correct my behavior sometimes in a way that I often resent enormously. I feel policed i feel that i am not able to fully relax or be myself

oh my god that's the opposite of what i want but you know with good reason with good reason because very often i do forget that other human beings are sentient and they have feelings and needs. Okay. And I'll do things and say things that's inappropriate. While it sounds negative, it also sounds a little bit positive what I've done. But, okay. Well, I mean, you know, I guess that's what being a dictator is like. You know, you've got to be ruthless in order to get somebody to act in a

good way and that's why we've got to think keep that in mind that a lot of the world is ruled by dictators but they probably are just trying to make everybody you know they probably are just ruling countries where most of the people are bad that's why they have to rule with such an iron fist well i mean in dictatorships it's not just the one person at the top who is the is the dictator but it's kind of like i think i'd off very often ends up being dictators all the way down right like you know you dictate excuse me it just sounded like you really emphasized the dick part and so it sounded like dictators that's the word that's what it's called dictators dictators i think i think dictators

sounds too much like penis potatoes penis A potato on your penis. Penis potatoes. Penis potatoes. Which is a very different thing. Yeah, I think you said dictators. I mean, I would have to go back. I'd have to press that. I still don't feel like I did anything wrong. No.

But Andy, I'm... This is coming dangerously close to you policing my behavior, Alistair. No, I wouldn't, Andy. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm just making sure that the audience is clear on what we're discussing. What we're talking about.

Are we talking about penis potatoes or are we talking about the totalitarian political system? That's right. Okay. I don't know. I'm not a political scientist. I don't know if all dictators are all necessarily totalitarian no no they could be partialitarian i'm a semi-terian totalitarian is just a guy who finishes his full plate every time but apart that's right he never leaves he never leaves a dirty bowl i'm a totalitarian what can i say oh mildred that was a delicious. You made a totalitarian of me this evening.

He says as he finishes licking the dish. Dish lickers. You made a dish licker out of me. I am there. I'm eating. I'm eating the living body of Stephen King And I say You made a real authoritarian of me this evening That didn't work

Said out loud like I was hoping Why didn't it work? Author Authoritarian Authoritarian And what didn't it work? Authora. Authoritarian. Authoritarian. And what should it actually be? Authoritarian.

What should it be? But if you're an author, you're eating an author. Authoritarian. Authoritarian. Didn't work. I had it all lined up in my brain. It was beautiful. I don't know which one is right and which one is wrong Andy Well it depends on which side of the fence

Which bit of it you want to be right Just tell me which one is which The political person If you're telling people what to do From a position of power You're an authoritarian. Authoritarian. But if you're eating people who write novels and short stories,

you're an authoritarian. Death is in our air. This year's most anticipated series, FX's Shogun, only on Disney+. We live and we die. We control nothing beyond that. An epic saga based on the global best-selling novel by James Clavel. To show your true heart is to risk your life.

When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. FX's Shogun, a new original series streaming February 27th exclusively on Disney+. 18 plus subscription required. T's and C's apply. And it's very important to get those two things clear in your mind. I don't know if you know this, but while you were saying that, I managed to run to the fridge and then come back to the women's seat.

Wait, did you run while recording or were you? Well, I didn't get to say anything because you were taking so long to describe your thing, which was great. It was a good outcome. That was only because you asked me to explain it and repeat myself. Did you only ask me to repeat myself because you knew that I would labour the point? No, it wasn't until you started labouring the point that

I thought, how good is this? I've got to trick myself with a little run to the fridge. I know his rhythms And he's getting into a groove The fella has some momentum up Oh this one He can hear that I'm not saying anything

And he's gonna fill that space What did you get from the fridge? Andy the other You know how I have not been drinking for three months four months four months then well my parents were in town for two days and they they allowed my beloved wife indiana to come out to see my show at the comedy festival oh yeah and then we went to Indiana's brothers the restaurant that Indiana's brother works at Embla in the city this is a good night yeah was there someone famous at Embla recently I'm not sure why I think they an article there

was a photo yeah I think it was in the paper. It was Obama. Barack Obama went to Embla recently. Did he? I'm pretty sure I saw a photo of Barack Obama at Embla. Wow. That's incredible. We should ask Jasper about that. I'm amazed that hasn't come up.

Yeah, hang on. I mean, if Barack Obama had come to my place for dinner, I would have mentioned it to you, Alistair. That's my promise to you. Wait, let me just quickly. Yeah, all right. Well, let me just, while we're doing this, I'll just send a message to Indiana while we're doing this

so that I can see if we can get a response during this. That'd be great. We can give some live updates. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Ask Jasper if Obama served. Joined by Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton and Michelle Obama. At Embla. Okay, that's insane.

This isn't breaking news, so to speak obviously somebody's old this is broken news yeah breaking old it's current it's it's it's breaking to us um wait oh indiana's just responded what does that mean oh my god this is good okay you know what this is the problem is i said ask jasper if ob served Obama at Ebla. That's what I wrote. Okay. Look, you went out and I'm guessing that the end of this story is that you had a little drink, right?

Oh, yeah. So, yeah, I went out. You enjoyed it. Yeah. So, they gave us a free drink while we were there. And then we went, I guess we're going to have this drink. And then you maybe got a few more. Now, there's a couple in the Frigidaire.

Is that right? And so then Indiana's gone to Castle Main for the night. And for Easter, took the kids. So then I, on the way home, I picked up a couple of stouts. Alistair, how about this? Guess what I'm drinking right now. What? Is it a stout? For the first time in forever, I'm drinking a stout.

Oh, my goodness. Can you believe that the fellas have synced up? We've been out of this. Our cycles have aligned. Yeah, we haven't seen each other for so long, but yet our cycles are still aligned. This is how strong the power of hormones are. Have we synced up with the moon?

I think it's a full moon. I think it is a full moon. Fuck, I'm going to check. Is it a full moon right now? I'm pretty sure we'd be so close to a full moon. Time for a start. This is perfect. Moon. Have a perfect. Moon.

Have a look, Andy. I mean, I won't be able to see it behind the clouds. Moon phases today. Here we go. It's current time. The moon phase tonight. Oh, it's waning gibbous. Oh, it's waning gibbous.

I lost ear. Oh, really? Sorry to say. Yeah, we just missed it. the moon face tonight oh it's waning gibbous oh it's waning gibbous alistair oh really sorry to say yeah we just missed it waning gibbous beautiful beautiful combination of words alistair how many sketch ideas have we written down we've written down because i feel like it's not like this thing is going off the rails Yeah, okay, okay, we're back But we're back in But I think, what about the idea Of

You should pitch this to your mate At the brewery Who likes to do comedy videos To advertise his brewery One about The fellas and their cycles have synced up on having a stout. I'm having a stout. All right. Fellas.

Cycles. How do you spell cycles? P-S-Y? Yeah, that's right. Cycle. That's it. And synced up? Is that P-S-Y-N-C?

Mm-hmm. I'm going to start referring to my car as a quadricycle. Oh, people are going to love that. Yeah, great. oh that's people are gonna love that yeah great i'm taking the quadricycle the quad the motorized quadricycle this is a great way to to become more of a fuckhead oh man we should andy yeah i feel like this is something you might have talked about on stage. In what context have you talked about something about finding ways to, with your use of language, become more annoying?

This is what I say. People will find this more annoying, but they will be really impressed by your linguistic accuracy. And that's with the behind your back stuff. Ah, yes, that's right. If you say somebody's talking behind your back you go you mean behind you and they go yeah and I go that's in front of your back

it's good so you were saying you were describing your bit earlier oh the thing about commas and you were talking about how it had gone well You were describing your bit earlier. Oh, the thing about commas? And you were talking about how it had gone well one time. And you did it again tonight.

No, tonight was the first time. Oh, and so you think it went okay? I think it went okay. And tonight was one of the worst nights I've had all festival. Oh, okay. Whereas that bit went okay. And I tried it. And I think probably the part of the problem why I feel like tonight went bad

is because I tried a few new bits and then one of the other ones didn't really go as well as I thought. Can I just ask? Yeah. In your bit about commas, did you include my favorite joke ever about sucking off your uncle's horse?

No, I didn't put that in yet. Because, yeah, that thing about... Because every time people talk about commas, they're like, oh, there's always like some weirdly sexual inappropriate thing about a horse where they're like, i helped my jet my uncle jack off a horse but then you're like now i help my jack suck off a horse now i help my uncle suck off a horse and my uncle's so so horse gets sucked off or whatever i don't know i can know. I can't remember.

I can't remember how we phrased it originally. Yeah. No, I can't remember. No, I meant my uncle suck off a horse. I don't think a comma would help you with the sentence, I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse. I helped my comma. Where would you put the comma? Where would you put the comma?

My Uncle Jack off a horse. I don't think it helps. And I don't think that's where you would put a comma. I know. I don't think it helps. And I don't think that's where you would put a comma. I know. Is that genuinely an example that you found somewhere? Yeah, I think that that's like, I've seen somebody else reference it recently. Jack off a horse.

Okay, here it is. It's grammar. This is a horse. Okay, here it is. It's grammar. This is a meme. Grammar. The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle Jack... Oh, that's more about capitals. Sorry, that's not commas. Yeah, it's capitals. But you know

what's interesting is that they have Uncle capitalized in the first one and then that they have uncle capitalized in the first one and then they have uncle not capitalized in the second one and it makes me think that is weird makes me think firstly i didn't know you capitalized uncle and secondly maybe maybe if it's your uncle jack you're supposed to capitalize uncle. Maybe, yeah. But then you think, what does uncle mean when it's not capitalized? To uncle something. Probably means to jack it off. Well, so to jack it off, this jack off.

Anyway. Comma. This is my favorite episode ever. Yeah? I'm glad you're having a good time. I don't know if it's the most productive episode, but we're having fun. I really like the bit where you texted Indiana about Obama. About Obama.

Yeah, I know. Well, Indiana responded at one point. She said, Mom says it's old news. And then I said, geez, but did he experience it? And she said, yeah, he did. There was someone from the Grand Prix and Jasper had to make

a vegan meal for him. Ha ha. What was, you said it was Lewis Hamilton, right? Yeah. So,

Lewis Hamilton's a vegan. I didn't know that. Yeah, wow. I didn't know that either. I, I didn't know that either. I wonder if that helps offset the carbon footprint of all the Formula One racing that he does. Yes.

I wonder if that does, Andy, do you think? Not sure. Is Lewis Hamilton a Formula One guy? I've given up firewalking, Alistair. Have you? To try and reduce my carbon footprint. Is that anything? I mean, it probably doesn't really work on any level.

Or it works on too many levels and they cancel each other out. Wait, wait, wait. Carbon footprint. Carbon footprint. I've stopped. Okay, wait. So, wait. Just say it to me one more time.

I know I should just know. I've given up fire walking to try and reduce my carbon footprint. Okay. Is that a joke about car carbon oh no yeah that's right it's what it was it's what it was i was i was still thinking about lewis howell's carbon that's probably a car good in french right Right. What about this? I've given up pasta. Car bonfire. I've given up eating pasta with egg sauce and ham

because I'm trying to reduce my carbonara footprint. How about that? Carb. Wait. Oh, no. I missed the beginning because I started reading a response my carbonara footprint. How about that? Wait, oh, no, I missed the beginning because I started reading a response from Indiana. Wait, okay. I'm so sorry. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead.

You were enjoying this. This is one of the best episodes ever before. Not anymore. Now it's the one where I want to be dead. Okay, wait. So say it one more time. Say it one more time, Andy I have given up eating You're typing something

I can hear you typing So I know you're not listening Why would I say it again? Why would I bother? When you are clacking away So loudly away so loudly. All right. Thank you.

Thank you for buying me some good typing time. Okay, wait. There was so much secret security personnel, etc. And Jasper was trying to piece together a new menu. So, you know, he just got on with his job.

And then I said, I'm on pod trying to use updates in pod. And then Indiana responded, oh, babe. This is all secondhand info. Turns out Jasper isn't there right now. I thought he was there, but he gets there tomorrow. So next week we could have some good updates. Obama updates. If you're tuning in to tune to Think Tank for Obama Watch,

then you'll get me. You've been tuning in to... I'm pretty sure that maybe, you know, you'll get me. You've been tuning into – I'm pretty sure that maybe in the first ever episode we talked about Barack Obama. Really? Yeah, doing some sort of a presidential press conference, maybe the first or the second episode. He was talking like this. And they were being bombed and they were talking about just ignoring it,

maybe being bombed by aliens and telling everyone to ignore it in the hope that they would go away. Yeah, right. So if you tuned in to episode one and thought, God, I love this, I love the Obama content on this podcast and you've been religiously listening to every single episode since then for 370 episodes but we seem to be almost deliberately ignoring talking about obama well now it's all paid off with one part of our our semi-regular series of Obama updates.

But a very tantalizing hint that there could be another Obama update to come in the next episode. Imagine that. If we can get more. There could be so much coming up, you know, or at least in the next 400 episodes, there could be at least one more. There's no reason to think there wouldn't be. That's right.

At this stage. One, two, three, four, five. Andy, we technically have five ideas. God, that's good. God, that's thrilling. Now, I have... Today, I googled... No, I went into my Gmail and I searched three words and inverted commas.

And you know what? It sent me way back to 2021. Whoa. And there was one from Julian Walsh. Julian Walsh, 2021. And I don't even know if Julian Walsh is still a supporter or if Julian Walsh is still a listener. If I'd been waiting around for two and a half years for somebody to get to my email, maybe

I would have zoned out. I think that there's a chance that we may have done this. I don't know at this point. Let's find out. Do you want to try and guess what the first word is from our listener? Is it carbonara?

No, but close. It's Rapunzel. Okay, I feel like we have done this. These words. Really? But is the next word footprint? Carbonara footprint? Andy, if you know what it is, if you've heard it before,

just tap into that part of your memory. It's in your mind. You should be able to access this. No, no. Carbonara memory. It's in your mind. You should be able to access this. No, no. Carbonara footprint. That's my guess. No, it's not Carbonara. It's Rapunzel.

Yeah. The listeners know what I'm doing, Alistair, and they're with me. Wait, I don't think I wrote down Carbonara footprint. What was the... You never told me the sentence again. I did, Alistair. That's the, what was the, you never told me the sentence again. I did Alistair, that's the thing. Did you?

Oh no, I was too busy typing. Wait, tell me one more time. I'm, I'm, I'm giving up pasta, egg sauce,

and little bits of ham, in an attempt to reduce, my carbonara footprint. Not only enough that makes sense, but anyway. It's good, though. It's good. Thanks, Alistair. Carbonara.

I think it was worth it. Carbonara. Do you think anybody pronounces it carbonara? Yeah. Do you think the carbon part is really important in carbon-ara? Like, do you think it's in some way connected to carbon? I think it's related to carbs. I think it's related to carbohydrates,

which I believe would be related to carbs. I think it's related to carbohydrates, which I believe would be related to carbs. So it's really carbohydrate-ara, nara. Yeah, that's right. All right. Okay, so it's Rapunzel. Then the second word is fish. And the third word is, what is it, Andy? Understatement.

Oh, Andy, no. It's dystopia. Actually, you know what? I don't know if I have heard these words before. Rapunzel, fish. These are fantastic words. Dystopia. You know what?

You can imagine a reverse Rapunzel situation, right? Yeah. In which Rapunzel is- Is in a hole. She's aquatic. She's aquatic. She's a mermaid or something like that. And, yes, she's in a hole, right?

She's down a well, and her hair grows like that kind of – that seaweed that has those polyps for flotation, right? And so her hair floats up to the surface of the well. And, you know, obviously the charming prince would have to shout down through the water and the sound would travel, you know, like a whale song, probably quite well. And he would have to say, Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let up your hair. And then she would pull it, let it up to float to the surface. Do you think he would have to yell that if it just naturally floats? Then he would drag himself down.

Oh, yeah. Well, she might keep it in a net or something. Yeah, or in a ponytail or something like that. In a ponytail, exactly. Sorry, a horse. In a bun bun what's a what's a fish horse one of those fish horses called seahorse seahorse that's right seahorse tail um yes and okay yes yes yes yes and then

so then he drags he grabs her hair and pulls himself down to the bottom of the well. Which would probably be easier on her hair. He dies. He dies, obviously. He can't breathe underwater. I know, but he doesn't find like a bubble of air or something like that? Doesn't she have anything? She doesn't need to breathe?

Mermaids don't seem to have gills. Isn't it interesting that the word Rapunzel, if you took out the U-N-Z, would just be the word rappel, which is what you do when you climb down something on a rope. You rappel down, don't you? Is it? I don't know about that.

That is very interesting andrew i find that if that's intentional we should ask is that also is that also is that also what's his name you know is it the same guy who did uh little mermaid who does rapunzel is that hands christian anderson would he be the guy that's hands christian anderson i mean they should call him tails christian anderson no no no because she still had hands yeah that's true oh god i guess that's the only bit that remained consistent. That and head. Hands.

Hands. Henson. Torserson. Rapunzel fish dystopia. I mean, this is such a good... Yeah. You know what I was thinking? I was thinking a fish that you just, let's say you're spearfishing, and you see the tail of this large silver fish sticking out of this cave, and you spear it with your spear gun and of course yes the spear gun has always

has that attachment to the spear back to the gun back to your hand and then you you've speared it and then that fish starts to swim forward into the cave and pulls you into the cave into a new world a world that is much worse than the world that you came from but but not as bad as the water i mean really the water is a true being underwater is a true dystopia yeah because you can't there, which to me is much worse than society crumbling. What's that? Oh, you're all required to wear the same clothes. Doesn't feel like quite as dystopian as not being able to breathe. Having to go underwater.

To breathe. Yes, having to go underwater. Truly the macabre imagination of the sick fuck that came up with the idea of the ocean. Nobody thinks of the sun as a dystopia. People love a bit of the sun. It's already a world of unimaginable horror. We don't need to imagine it. It's there in the sky.

People love a bit of climate dystopia fiction about where the consequences of our actions are literally or metaphorically portrayed. So this is one that I've come up with now based on this idea. It's one where we invent this perfect product for men who are balding. It's a shampoo that will grow your hair back. But of course, when you shampoo, you're in the shower. The product goes down the drain into the ocean, right? Yeah. And what happens is it starts to grow hair on all the fish, really, really long, tangling hair,

and the ocean becomes this like clogged like a plug hole. Oh, no. Completely like gridlocked with hair growing on all the fishes. It's terrible. And then, you know, it's like- It's even in the meat, the fish meat. And then when you eat a fish, you get hair in your mouth. Yeah. Awful.

Awful. your mouth yeah awful it's like it's like a more realistic version of um cat's cradle by kurt vonnegut with ice nine that freezes the ocean well i think the ocean becoming clogged with hair is actually a much more theoretically viable and possible version of that kind of a man i have a few books that i got from brian who is a primo listener of this show that brian sent me both this one hello brian hello brian that is both this one um the one that you just mentioned cat's cradle cats he sent me cat's grill and he also sent me this one from a russian writer who writes sort of space stuff that is a bit, I guess, a bit weird, you know? Oh. But not when I say, I don't mean sexual or anything like that.

I just mean like... It's a bit skew-iff. Yeah, it's a bit skew-iff. And I dream of reading it almost every day. That's a nice idea. Yeah, That's a nice idea. Yeah, it's a nice idea. But you know, the best time to dream about it is right now during Comedy Festival because then I go,

after Comedy Festival, that world seems so possible. Like anything seems possible. You go, after Comedy Festival, i'll be able to read books again that i haven't done for 20 years yeah so i'm hoping after comedy festival i'm going to start like anything andy do you want me to read you today's sketches yes if you can call them that um but we've got pez but it's called poos it's a pez dispenser where things come out asshole the way that they should through the butt i think this is a i'm so happy with that idea i'm that's what's kept me going this whole episode we should just call it butt dispenser. Yeah, we should. Child shot at

a school. But this is from the news. From the new Uzi bus or any other type of way of making liberals realize that when a child is shot at a school, it's not always bad.

Don't jump to conclusions don't jump to conclusions that that's just a solution to the kids getting shot thing it's to change people's minds you know a lot of people talk about changing hearts but just change some minds that's my theory um we got totalitarian a person who finishes a full can't stop finishing a full play you know the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with uh a new attitude a fresh new attitude to the problem of that's right it is a problem a guy with the fresh attitude gun violence the only thing that stops a guy with a gun is a guy with a new idea on how to stop people with guns that is effective the only thing that the only thing that stops a bad guy with the only thing that stops a bad the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy who thinks bad guys with guns are good.

All guys with guns are good. Suddenly he's not a bad guy with a gun, is he? That's right. He's a good guy with a gun. That's right. It's a guy who makes everybody else feel like bad guys with guns are good guys with guns. We've got fellas cycle synced up for having stout. Yeah, stout cycle.

Yeah. We've got the under ocean is a dystopia. We've got underwater Rapunzel. and we've got hair regrowing product on fish because it went into the drain all good what do you think andy should we wrap this episode up baby let's do it it thank you for listening to it in think tank i think that's really cool the way that you do that alistair you're doing a show at the comedy festival these people know about it they should buy tickets yeah they can go until the 22nd it's getting better i heard that this comma bit is fucking killer this new comma bit is is hitting the audiences by storm

most of my bits i just i strike the audience with a breeze but you know what? Right before this new comma bit that I've mostly done on this thing here that you've heard, it's going to hit you like a storm. Yes. In a teacup. I don't know if that makes any, if that is more of a selling point or less of a selling point. Anyway, come. I'm doing it until the 22nd. We love you.

You should follow us on Twitter at AlistairTB, at 2NTank, at StupidOldAndy. And then you should go and continue and live your life, you know? Yeah, as best you can. Don't just be following this podcast. That's not enough. Don't let anybody police your behavior. You be your truest version of yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as it's within the bounds of what's acceptable. Oh, of course, what's acceptable. Yeah, I mean, don't be a dick about it, obviously. And maybe, you know, think about the people who are telling you things. Maybe they've got a good point as well. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, we love you.

Bye. Honestly, this is the best episode ever. I can't believe it. It's the episode where I start drinking again. Bye. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. Bye. because that's alcohol and we deliver that too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age.

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