Two In The Think Tank - 377 - "COCHLEAR EYE IMPLANT"

Episode Date: April 16, 2023

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Alastair? Yes, Andrew?

I'd like to take this moment before the podcast, two in the think tank, to plug a show that I saw at the Comedy Festival last night. It was Alastair Tremblay-Burchell in Alistair Tremblay-Burchell, No Relation. And I've got to say, tour de force of a show. Really? Tour all around the force?

A real tour de France of a show. It had highs, it had lows, it had drug scandals. No, it was Alistair. It's a brilliant show. You should be very proud. It's very kind of had drug scandals. No, it was Alistair. It's a brilliant show. You should be very proud. It's very kind of you to say that. You should look yourself in the eye, in the mirror, for the first time when you're brushing your teeth now.

You'll be able to maintain quite unsettling eye contact with yourself. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it'll be good. It'll distract me from this very interesting experience of brushing my teeth for the first time. Yes, indeed. Alistair, yeah, well done. Lord, lord, lord, lord, lord of jokes.

Well, that's very kind. And we tried to put some, there's even some Andy Matthews jokes in there. Just for the fans, you know? Just for the fans. Come and see the show if you pick if you can pick which one's an andy matthews i'll i'll five your hand i promise not put a fiver in there i can't afford that right now but i will five it with my five

hand yes now a couple of other people we'd like to plug at the Comedy Festival to go see Jack Drews. Friend of the show, Jack Drews. Friend of the show, Jack Drews. Why don't you go see Laura Davis, who also appeared on this show? Why don't you go see Alice Fraser? Why don't you go see Josh Ladgrove? Why don't you go see Dr. Brown? Matt Stewart.

Matt Stewart. Saving the best for last. The BFL. The big, fat, long bottom. That's right. All right, let's do this. We're obviously in a good place. Yes.

Hey, jibba jibba hoo-ha, jibba jibba hoo-ha, jibba jibba hoo-ha, jibba jibba hoo-ha, jibba jibba hoo-ha, jibba jibba hoo-ha, jibba, jibba, jibba, jibba, hoo. Hello and welcome to the Think Tank show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley Burchard. That's great, Andy. Yeah. I've decided I'm going to, you know, you know, um, bikies.

Yeah. People who ride around on, uh. Motorcycles and commit crimes. On motorcycles. And well, they don't have, yeah, but some of them do. But I think it should be a new type of guy, right? Yeah. And it's a guy who rides around on the top of his car.

Sort of a bit like Mr. Bean. Yeah. In the Mr. Bean movie bean movie but but not so silly he's he's he's a very tough guy yeah but he rides around on top of his car straddling it but his legs out really wide so okay wait wait wait so he he has he has he is he using rope like mr bean or has he got a steering wheel up there look i think this culture probably evolved emerged from mr beaning right but i think it's it's taken on its own thing and a lot of the current people who do it try and like people who play quidditch but try and say it's got nothing to do with Harry Potter. It's just a serious sport. It's people who do that, who do Mr. Bean-ing, but say it's got nothing to do with Mr. Bean.

They want it to be taken seriously and respected as a sort of a cultural thing. They're really resistant. We just run around with a broom in between our legs and it's a serious sport. broom in between our legs and it's a serious sport they'd probably within within the car riding culture there'd be there'd be groups of people who embrace the mr bean comparison and groups of people who who really don't like it so they'd probably be you know and then um i think it's so now do you picture it it's a a tough guy thing or like

a prestige thing yeah i think it's well for me i think it's a tough guy thing yeah yeah i think they you know there's a bit of a sort of an outlaw cowboy kind of thing they're trying to do with it and is it kind of like the wider the car the the tougher you are. So, like, you know, like an ideal thing would be doing it on, like, a Humvee or, like, a Mack truck of some sort eventually. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I don't know if there's, like, saddles, if you can buy a car saddle, you know, a nice big leather car saddle with stirrups that you can...

Yeah, you know, and that allows you to change the gears with a clicker on it you know yeah exactly yeah you have you have leather reins that go down and through the thing and hold tie onto the you know what would be really good and if you could um if you could had a sun roof and then you could just get like a gear extension, you know, like for the gear shift that you clench in between your butt cheeks. Oh, that would be great. And then you kind of give it a little like zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.

Mm-hmm. The underutilized power of the butt cheeks to grip. Yeah, but then you really use their gripping power. Yeah, but you use your core to shift the gears. Like, imagine you're going like, and then you kind of thrust forward to go into, like, second. But then if you want to go into fourth, you thrust back. Yeah.

And I've got to make this clear. It's got nothing to do with the bum hole. It's not sexual in any way. It's the buttocks. I'm not saying it's sexual. No. It's like, is holding the gear stick in your hand sexual? No.

No. It isn't. Exactly. This is just... Yeah. Yeah. The forgotten fist that is the butt cheeks. I'll get back to you.

It's the fist of the back. Yeah. You know, if you had been flung backwards by a giant slingshot um you know and intentional or not right if you found yourself heading towards your enemy and you thought here's your chance right yes um you would clench your butt cheeks as a way of getting maximum output out of the impact. Imagine that scenario. You've been flung backwards in some sort of catapult accident. Being the responsible person you are,

you glance over your shoulder to see where you're headed. And you have the time to process... I picture you're flying over a night market. And you said catapult. I thought slingshot, but I'm okay with catapult if you want catapult. And then you don't have a lot of power in that situation. You can't change your trajectory in the air. All you can really do is decide whether you're going to hit your eventual target, clenched or unclenched.

That's right. With a soft buttock or a buttock of steel. An open-handed or clenched in anger. I mean, because you could also then at some point, once you realize it's your enemy, you could probably extend your legs and then and then bend forward to sort of you know make make yourself even more rocket like that's absolutely what i'm picturing this entire time alistair yes you've got you've probably got your arms wrapped around your legs

in almost a yoga stretching type pose to turn the whole body essentially into a fist flying through the air it's like a reverse supermanning um uh that's uh that's that's fun to imagine i wonder you know i i think the night market is a great location for this as well because i can imagine some sort of fairground equipment that's there that has been responsible for, you know, that has malfunctioned and caused this catastrophe to occur. It's definitely, yeah, definitely a fair of some sort would be the place where you're most likely to have a malfunctioning thing of such. Oh no, my human catapult has malfunctioned and catapulted somebody. I think it's also, it would make a great episode of a, you know,

a forensic investigation show, you know, or a law and order or something like that where eventually through their dogged analysis because I imagine maybe your enemy was even killed by this collision, right? And the dogged forensic analysis allows them to conclude that they were hit with a clenched buttock instead of an open buttock. And that's how they were able to prove your malicious intent. And at first, they're just trying to find a really tall man somebody whose buttock could be at face height of course you know and this well it's crazy that we haven't seen we haven't seen a cop show that has

crimes that are this stupid yet like i, I feel like this is a weird... Maybe it exists. I just haven't seen it yet. But this does feel like it's a tiny niche that we've actually created quite a few crimes. Stupid crimes. Yeah, crimes that could exist for, I would say, almost a pitchable number of stupid crimes.

Could be. And he doesn't want to pitch anything. Andy wants us to languish. I want to pitch. Andy loves a languish. Andy's happy to work in jobs. Oh, yes. The perfect job.

I've been thinking about pitching things recently. It's just a bit scary And a little bit exhausting Yes, I mean so far we've pitched once To one person And then that thing got up Yes, Alastair You're absolutely right

I can't do anything, Andy You have all the Forget it, sorry do anything eddie you have all the forget it sorry um i couldn't even think of the word i was trying to use it's the the managerial faculties but i i'm the only one that can activate the managerial faculties by yelling at them in your mind right so it's a we're both needed yeah yeah it's like i have to get you to commit to something so that i can commit to it anyway that's very good um have you seen this weird lizard stone on mars no see that on twitter it's weird stone that they've got a photo of it looks like a looks like vertebrae or something it's like a whole lot of spikes weird spikes sticking out of some

curved stone no i haven't seen this yet um it's got me it's got me really excited yeah so you think that there's vertebrates there you think that's what they're thinking or is it is it just um like i mean is anybody saying that is anybody saying that it's there's a possibility or are they just saying what what a coincidence that there's a rock that looks like this i think i think well you know you know that if it's on mars yeah and if there's a rock that looks like something you know that there's going to be some people saying it's that thing, right? No, no, I know, but I wasn't sure if it was like, you know, like somebody who isn't one of those people saying it.

Sure. No, I think it's just people, a lot of, I've just seen people on Twitter going, Oh, yeah. Look at this rock on Mars. It is just a rock and it's like, they're like, oh, look at this, if you squint, it looks a bit like an iguana. Yeah, that kind of thing.

Yeah. I'm looking at it right now. Are you? What do you reckon? Yeah. I mean, it looks like a rock. It definitely looks like a rock. It's crazy that rocks are the same.

You know what I mean? It is crazy, yeah, that we have found rocks on other planets like that you just look at mars you go oh it's pretty boring like i could you know what i mean like you go oh yeah i mean it's good it's you know it's good that you know that at least things are similar yeah um but it's also a bit boring because you go i could imagine being there on holiday or somebody walking me through this like i was i'm visiting their farm or something like that you know i can imagine being there and being bored yeah like we don't even there might be a very specific new type of mars boredom that we'll never know about unless we go there. We discover that you're able to be bored in a completely different way on Mars.

Whilst being irradiated with UV. I wonder what is the furthest from Earth somebody's ever been bored. Yeah. I mean, I suppose, I mean, could you imagine that a lot of time on the on the international space station would be a bit boring yeah absolutely yeah i mean yeah there'd be a lot of wonder there'd be a lot of wonder every time you look out the window i think yeah wonder when we can get home but but then i think there'd also be a lot of like fuck my nose always feels weird because there's no gravity and the fluid is constantly you know just all up in there in a weird weird way

and it stinks up here i guess you'd get used to the stink after a bit man the stink is the thing that like, yeah, that's awful. That just takes the whole any of the magic out of space travel, you know, like unimaginable horror outside, imaginable horror inside. It's the stink. You just can't. And, yeah, imagine that, surrounded by a vacuum and yet nothing to suck away the smell of the farts. Vacuum, vacuum everywhere, but not a stink to suck.

Not a stink to suck. Not a suck to stink to de-stink. Oh, God, this is hard. This is really hard. It's a lot harder than it was than I thought it would be when I started this sentence. This Lewis Carroll parody. Is there a

sketch? Lewis Carroll? Is it Lewis Carroll? Yeah, it is Lewis Carroll. Oh, Lewis. You know what's really weird? I always only hear the Carroll bit, and so I go, it's crazy that that guy had a woman's name You know, it's great that guy made it so far With a woman's name

And then it just occurred to me that Lewis Is quite a man name Yeah, it is I think I've always read it as Carol Lewis Okay Yeah, I don't I don't like I think I've always read it as Carol Lewis. Okay. Yeah, I don't like the writing of names as, you know, surname, then comma, then the first name.

That's always felt fucked to me. Yeah. There is actually almost no reason that we do that. Oh, yeah. It's like so many things. Like, because it's just it's just this weird choice where they're like actually family name is more important like that that almost like that your first name is in some way you know it's just like well it's just you just happen to have that really what we just is your family name that's what's important that gives what gives

you heft because that one's got history built into it yeah who you are that's not important who your parents were that's what we want to know yeah like we want to know because like it's like yeah it's kind of going like it's important to us to know what your family name is so that we can judge you based on the people you're related related to i need to i need to know your family name so i know whether even to bother listening to your first name yeah i wouldn't be surprised if there's actually a lot of truth in this yeah it is entirely like well does he come from a good family you know like that that kind of thing from the ancient times so it's like all right i just need to know which like which group he comes from

exactly so i can dismiss it or choose to you know or or know whether or not i can benefit from this person and then i will decide whether or not uh to to even inquire as to which one of them it is i i mean i think you we're probably struck on something that is exactly what happens. And, you know, you go back to like, you know, the days of yore in England where, you know, the staff or the people, the laborers or whatever, they would have only been known by their surnames, right? Hmm. So. Yeah. So, yeah. So, it's just, but in a way, it's like, you know, while it's fine to be identified, in a way, like, we've had to, like, remove things like that from names in order to, it was just like building in prejudice. Like, it used to be like, you know, somebody of this place.

Right? Yes. So, that way, I would be like, you're martin of uh deloxley or whatever and then everybody would be like well we fucking hate people from deloxley you go well you go damn isn't it weird that our first name is our christian name and yet christ And Christ was his surname. Yeah. Or his, I mean, Jesus was his Christian name. Yeah. Even though his surname was Christ, which was the most Christian one.

You would have thought. You'd think Christ was his Christian name. Yeah. Your first name should be your Jesus name. Yeah, that's right. All right, I'm writing it down. First name. It's not much.

It's fucking not much, Alistair. It's good. This will be a good Tarantino-style conversation. Yes. You know, but it's like more inquisitive rather than, you know, them going dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. But then she's having dick for the first, so big it feels like she's a virgin. What's that from?

Reservoir Dogs. Yeah, good stuff. That'd be a great podcast to listen to. Just guys having Tarantino-esque conversations. Apparently it was a bit that him and a friend did, like at parties. A bit, eh? Yeah. And he's like, it was kind of almost like, you know,

like what somebody would do is like stand-up or like a sketch and he would do it at parties and then he kind of just wrote it into his movie. Wow. They sound like good parties. Parties where women feel really safe. I mean, you know, women like to laugh about interpretations of songs as well. Right. Is that what that's about?

Okay. Yeah. It's about the song Like a Virgin. Oh, wow. Really? Okay. Sure. Yeah.

For some reason. Yeah. Okay. I guess they're allowed to listen to Madonna in Tarantino movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I assumed they existed in different universes. In a different universe, yeah. Do you think all the Tarantino movies happen in the same universe,

just at different periods? I think it's very possible. That's a great theory. I'm really excited to talk about that on the internet. Oh, God, I can't wait to upload this so that we are. We should have an entire social network where you're only allowed to have Tarantino-esque conversations. You can only, you know, all your posts have to be monologues

about pop culture and sex. I mean, I don't know if that's all he does. No, that's it, Alistair. That's the entire, that's it. That's, I don't know. Sorry, I struggled to summarise it because I really haven't, I haven't consumed his oeuvre as much as I should. But you know what?

I love that you had a go, Andy, and it was really good. Sometimes you can get away with it, Alistair, with my level of understanding. And you know what? You probably did get away with it. I almost got away with it, Alistair, with my level of understanding. And you know what? You probably did get away with it. I almost got away with it. Especially for those who are just like you. Exactly.

Fuck it. Now, we have three ideas, so we still have more ideas we need to come up with, just so that you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we know about futuristic glasses, but do you think that there's a futuristic monocle? Because monocles haven't really made it into the present day.

Yeah. Are they going to make a comeback, the monocle? I mean, could you have a tinted monocle that'd be interesting wouldn't it you know like you just just one eye gets protected from the sun your good eye the your favorite eye i mean that would be great if you did lose an eye you know like it would it would be. What about a tinted glass eye? Google glass eye. What's interesting is like how much people who have lost an eye can just take that glass eye out and put it back in. Is that like, I didn't realize how much you can just, like, touch the socket.

Yeah. Well, I guess it's just a socket. And once it's exposed to the air, it probably, you know, hardens up. Dries up a bit. Yeah, it turns into a, you know, just a socket. Yeah. Do you think it's... I don't know if you need to get a special kind of lubricant for glass eyes.

But there's got to be like a wire. There's got to be a place where the cables go through into the brain, right? Yeah, but I reckon that dries up like an umbilical cord, you know, and you probably just have an eye-belly button at the back there. Yeah, right. And so, yeah, so it would just seal up. You wouldn't just have a passageway to the brain through... I mean, you'd want one obviously and there might be a way that when your eye falls out if you're quick you might be able to put a little thing in there

keep a little tube that let gives you access to the brain yeah i wonder if you could be really good i wonder if you could put a cochlear implant into the if you had an empty eye socket and connect it to the wires for the eye. I think we're onto something. Because I mean, like, why do you need to put your cochlear implant in your ear? Is it just you need a cable to get to the brain? You just need like an HDMI or something like that, whatever it is that they use to connect.

But I reckon any cable would work. You could probably put it in your hand and just attach it to a nerve. HDMI, HDMI ear, HDMI tongue, all the sensory connections. That's very good. RC anus. RC penis. There we go ah good um or like why is there no sonar like why can't we get an extra why can't we get sonar attached yeah like that feels like that should be an easy add-on.

Yeah, I think that's a good point, that with cochlear, they're showing insufficient ambition by just trying to replicate hearing, when they should be aiming to push beyond hearing, you know, make people superhuman. Yeah, and also, like, I remember years ago, somebody, you know, reading about somebody who put, like, a strong magnet in their finger. Right? Yeah. And that allowed them, because then, like, it was coded in something so that it wouldn't react with the body. But they said that after that, they wouldn't be able to sense, you know, they'd be able to sense magnetic fields right so they would feel them when they're walking through like you know you know leaving a kmart and shit like that you know through the security things and different things they could feel it around like the motors of their uh um of their you know their fridge and stuff and they could so but there's no reason why

you need to put it inside your finger like if you had just like a strap around your hand you know kind of you know um that just had some strong magnets in it you would just sense uh you would this is a great feels you know like like those people who write the columns in the newspaper they're always looking for some new fucking thing to do every week all right so they got something to write about this is a good one i spent a week with a magnet sticky tape to my hand and this is how my life changed yeah but like that one is an easy one because you can just feel it like you can feel the pull and push and stuff right but there must be a sonar version of

that where where you could just even have it and it just kind of like, let's say it was like, I don't know, you're wearing like ski goggles. This is not a great solution yet. But let's say the ski goggles just had a little sensory thing in the pad, like in the pad that's kind of like almost like a soft, you know, like those massage chairs. You know, like those massage chairs, they're comfortable and leathery, but inside they've got little things, little fingery, knobbly things that can push into you and you can feel them. Well, what if it was doing sonar and it was giving you an interpretation of what's in front of you through push, right? Yeah. You know, like that. And then you would kind of like you'd you'd also match that up with what you're seeing with your eyes but then and then at night time you would be able

finally you'd be able to see in 3d you'd be able to no but you know like at least at night time then when it's dark you would start to get to know how that works a bit better and sort of be better at walking at night time to go get a glass of water or whatever some shit yeah yeah no that's really that's great i mean if i could do that and wear my sonar goggles to change the baby's nappy or something at night so that i wouldn't have to um wouldn't have to turn the lights on, right, and wake up, you know, anybody or... It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats.

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Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Something like that, right? Yeah. That would be so good. And then instead of seeing the baby's um dirty nappy with my eyes i would be able to feel it on my face which i'm sure would be so much nicer well it could be interesting you know um you know you could see bats flying around you could get a little sense

you'd be like there's a bat up there you could find out if there's anything behind you moving because you would feel it scuttling across your face or the back of your head. It would be great to be able to finally use sonar on bats and give them a taste of their own medicine. Oh, maybe they'd be like... See how they like it. I wonder if they'd be able to jam your signal. Do you think there's any animals that can jam your signal? Yeah, I'm sure there are animals that can jam your signal yeah i'm sure there are animals that can jam your signal yeah

i feel like that's maybe that's what um squids are doing with their squared out ink oh yeah an attempt to jam your visual signal i guess or also um yeah but also like uh you know with all those color patterns that they create on themselves i guess that's like that's in a way trying to jam the signal because they're trying to mimic their background and so yeah yeah yeah um i guess but but sonar is like it actually is sound right so it's a different it's a compression wave is that right yes yeah that's right yeah so so it's they have it they have to do it through their through their something of their physiology. It has to be in their shape. Like, it absorbs the pressure or something like that.

And maybe that's what their wings do. Or do you think their wings play a part in catching the sonar that they put out? If they don't, that's a crazy missed opportunity, right? Because they've got these big wide wings with this thin skin. It feels like they've got a couple of little sonar dishes on there. I mean, exactly. They're basically a satellite dish. You know, you're like a quarter of a satellite dish.

You want to be using that dish as a receiver. That's a lot. Yeah. I mean, I guess it's impossible not to right because it's just they would be feeling that not hearing it would they i don't know do you think this do you think this counts as a tarantino-esque conversation yeah i'm not sure yeah wait i think what about what about a talent competition? They're always looking for talent competitions, right? This would be a great one. You know, Tarantino's Conversation Off.

It's like RuPaul's Drag Race, but it's Tarantino's Conversation Off. The name is great. It rolls off the tongue. Tarantino's Talent Off. Tarantino's Talent Off. The name is great. It rolls off the tongue. Tarantino. It's already issued. Talent Off. Tarantino Talent Off. Talk Off. Talk Off. And just a couple of guys or a group of guys,

they take it in turns to be on the stage sitting around riffing a conversation, a Tarantino-esque conversation. The judges are Quentin Tarantino. Robert Rodriguez. Robert Rodriguez. Robert Rodriguez. And Leonardo DiCaprio. And Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie.

Wow. Don't you reckon? Don't you reckon? I mean, he could be. Yeah, he's kind of like not, he's not been as like long lasting with his success. But I mean, obviously he's still out there making the films and things like that. It's just that they're not, they don't seem to be hitting as hard as the Tarantino ones. Didn't he direct something bizarre like the new Aladdin movie or something?

The remake of Aladdin? That's quite possible, yeah. Yeah. Aladdin director. Yeah, it was Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie. You did it, Andy. You beautiful motherfucker.

So fucking weird, isn't it? I mean, I guess just a huge part of making a film is making a film. huge part of making a film is making a film and if you can make a film you're already in a you know a small pool of people who are able to make films and when you're making a film you need someone who can make a film that's right so so a lot of the time that's one of the some of the first people you look to is people who have made a film. Yeah. And it doesn't matter, really, if it's like, you know, bullets coming from the hands of people, you know, holding guns, or if it's magic coming from the fingers of a genie holding nothing.

It's all the same. That's right. It's all the same stuff, basically. I came up with a new idea today, Alistair, speaking of genies. You know close-up magic? Yeah. You're going to love this. Fire away magic. Oh, that's very good, Andy.

It's me at the other end of a field saying, is this your card? And then shouting back, yeah, probably. I don't, it would be impossible for me to know. And then I say, aha. It isn't your card. The hand is quicker than the telescope, my friend. Yes, quicker than the, your legs can take you to the garage

to get your old telescope out, dust it off, and then look through it. But by then, it's too late. The deception has happened. Yeah, that's right. And it's not sleight of hand. It's weakness of eye. Ah, that's the other thing.

I use weakness of eye Ah, that's the other I use weakness of eye I drew attention away Another piece of the bubble I didn't even have to take your attention away No, you can look as closely as you want No misdirection required That's right It's a good starting point for people

You know, you go to one end of the house and you get your family. This is when I was a kid. I started as a faraway magician. Yeah. And I would get the family to sit down in the living room and then I would go to the other end of the house. And perform mind-boggling feats. With coins, tiny coins.

Head or tails? They always said heads. And then I say, sorry, tails. Sounds like a good trick. Does this look like a regular coin? Relatively. I think you still have a glamorous assistant, but she's also a very long way away from both you and the audience.

So, yeah, you've got a triangle going. You've got a triangle, basically, yeah. Can you have three dots that exist and it's not a triangle? I guess if they're all in the same line, right? Can you have three dots? I don't think you can have three dots that exist and it's oh, if they're in the same line. Yeah. I should have listened to what

you said. That's okay, but I mean, but that, you know, a line really is just a very shallow triangle. A three dotted line. I think it's still considered a triangle because it's just all the angles are just zero degrees oh no a triangle supposed to have 180 degrees all added up well yeah so how did it how does that work oh no wait though it does work wait because one of the angles

is just 180 one of the angles is 180 And then the other two angles are zero. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. A straight line with three points on it is a triangle. Yeah, I mean, does it even need the three points on it? Right? Or can a straight line just be a triangle? I guess so.

It's exciting. It's very exciting. I think we're onto something there. Wow, Andy. Call up... The Math Society. Yeah. Call up the Math Society.

We've got a proof. Anyway, listen to this podcast there should be one day of the year when the maths society will allow just in fuckheads to give it a go

I like that the one day of the year the maths societies one day with fuckheads isn't there there's some stupid thing about like in ireland there's one day of the year when they made a movie about it right one day of the year when women can ask a man to marry them or something like that there's some

stupid tradition or something like that like that but for maths with an even more absurd idea than a woman asking a man to marry her. Yeah, a woman asking a man to ask her to ask, yes, to marry her. I suppose that happens every other day. Women are always asking me to ask them to marry them. So what else we got, Alistair? Another day where women ask you for another day where they can ask you to marry them.

I suppose. How many men do you think you would have to do a referendum for that to get an extra day? To get an extra day for women? Yeah, to ask men to marry them. Yes, I think so. Andy, we have more than five sketch ideas. You need a majority of men.

Yeah, go. All right. So then do you want to go to three words from a listener? I don't know if you know this. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you know this yeah i don't know if you know this anybody we have listeners and some of them can provide us three words after they've signed up to our patreon and donated three dollars to the book to the patreon each dollar represents one word in this case it's a metaphor but that has very real consequences and today's the value of the dollar is pegged to the value of the individual word on the two in the think tank podcast that's on a one-to-one that's right and it's the word standard. That's right. And it is pinned to the greenback.

And the listener today, Andy, do you want to try and guess which listener it is? Wow, this is an exciting new frontier. Josephine Clint. Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. It is Dominic Stevenson. Ah, close'm sorry, Andy. It is Dominic Stevenson. Close. Dominic Stevenson. Dominic has donated three words to this episode. And would you like to guess what the first word is? Okay. The first word is Lagrange or Lagrange. Okay, the first word is Lagrange Or Lagrange

Lagrange, let me have a look No, it is not, it is meat Okay M-E-A-T M-E-A-T Great, okay, meat Is The next word is is

Meat is You got one of the letters correct It is meat-based. Meat-based. Is it bread? Is it meat-based bread? Oh, it's a very good guess, Andy. But the third word is meat-based plants. Meat-based plants. Very good. I mean, of course, that does take me to the first sketch show

that we did together, Alistair, Wing Attack, where we had a sketch about a man going to a butcher's to ask for bread and asking if they were able to slice the meat in such a way that it becomes bread. I still think that that's a great... Classic sketch idea. I still think it's a great sketch idea, and I would love to revisit it

and see how we did it um oh wait oh wait it probably exists on our youtube doesn't it somewhere uh not sure if that one made it up or if we put up the whole thing somewhere yeah yeah but those were those are good times anything possible. I know. Anything was a sketch idea at the time. But meat-based plants, I mean, it's already a perfect idea. It feels like there's very little that we can do to it, you know? I know, but we could give an example of how they came about. who is following Jordan Stevenson's full carnivore diet, beef diet, full beef diet, but is sick of eating just beef, you know? And so he tries to start a company

where he can use beef cells, beef meat cells, to grow plants so that he could have a salad. Like a beef broccoli. A beef broccoli. A steamed beef broccoli with maybe like a beef sesame dressing. He starts a company called Beyond Plants

or Beyond Vegetables. That's right. That's good. To Beyond Plants or Beyond Vegetables. That's right. That's good. To manufacture in the lab meat-based plants. Yeah, that's good. And he grows them and then he has to create a whole beef ecosystem. It's actually the way to make it the most efficient is to create a little beef ecosystem. the most efficient is to create a little beef ecosystem so he has to create beef bees that pollinate the beef the beef plants and this is really exciting there's like a whole series

like he has to create a whole like beef microbiome of just they're all everything is beef cells all the way down and all the way up. And then he realizes at some point that the only problem with him is that he wouldn't get bored with it if he was also beef. All beef. Wow. And so he starts, you know, sort of slowly but surely replicating his own body and then transferring, you know, one finger, let's say say he just starts with the tip of a pinky finger and he replaces the the tip of his pinky finger and the bone with with beef cells and stuff like that and he starts of course going redder and browner you know what we call this movie

hang on i'm gonna wait i'm gonna i've got to do some research before I can say this, just to check if I'm on the right track. Wait, sorry. It's okay. This will be worth it, though. Based ecosystem. I'm writing that down at the moment. Two, four, meat.

This guy is called Cocktail Frankenstein. uh meat this is this guy is called cocktail frankenstein i like that i don't know 100 the relevance but i don't well what is a cocktail frank it's a it's probably made from pork though right it looks i have no idea it You're right, but it is definitely, I get it now. It is just a meat, a mixture of meat is the man. Yeah. And maybe a cocktail frankincense. Frankfurt Stein's monster. Full sausage man i mean how yeah you know he was able he was able to build

frankenstein out of bits of dead people but you know what if you could build it out of really tiny bits of dead people like minced up dead people then you would truly make a make a frankfurt stein that's right you have to put a red skin on it to keep it yeah to keep it together oh but then if he goes into really hot boiling water then that skin bursts open oh that'll be very damaging to his appearance i don't know i don't know how we include this phrase in there, but we'll try and get the phrase, Is Don, Is God into the film. Is Don, Is God. That's a very specific reference to an Australian company

that would do, Is Don, Is Good. Small goods company. Yeah. Small goods definitely doesn't sound like cold cut meats, but I've never understood why they call it. It sounds like it's small goods makes me think of like fridges and white goods, I think, is what it makes me think of. This is what I love looking up. I've looked up cocktail franks, primo cocktail franks from Woolworths here.

And they're very reassuring information. Primo cocktail frankf's are made from finely textured meat seasoned with spices and cooked meat they won't tell you what kind it's just meat finally the fine and but the texture is fine whether or not the meat itself is we don't know but the texture is absolutely unparalleled from From the world's finest textures. Oh, look here, we've got some more information. Meat including pork. So it includes pork.

So, yeah, it doesn't exclude anything. Does not exclude anything. Excluding deer, excluding hagfish. No, they don't say that. They don't say that. I think, yeah, because, I mean, like, the Frankfurt really is, it's like the MDF of the meat world. You're absolutely right. You create your own new meats using other meats

by compressing them together. Because you would have to make them into a sort of goo, wouldn't you? I think that's very much the process. Yeah. First you goo it, because you want to get that consistent homogenousness, homogeneity. Is Don, is goo. I'm going to keep going with this.

Is Don, is goo. The baby has started to cry, Alistair, so I may have to retreat from the podcast. While you go deal with that, I'll start reading the sketch ideas is that okay are you gonna go forever well i mean i you you can i i might have to i'll go get the baby i'll bring him back and then he can be part of the podcast all right no worries all right so let's read the sketch ideas we've got um with its origins and mr. Bean-ing. People are riding atop of cars by straddling them like a tough guy, and they are tough guys. You know, they ride a car like a motorcycle, and the wider the car, the tougher you are. And they no longer associate themselves with Mr. Bean, but that's where the ideas come from. We have the buttock is the fist of the back.

And this is connected to the backwards catapulting of a man over a night market. And who realizes he's heading towards an enemy and chooses to clench his buttock like a fist. So that when it strikes, it has maximum impact rather than leaving it supple. And, you know, becoming a bit more shock-absorbing. We have the first name should really be your Jesus name, and your Christian name should be like the last name, because that's like Christ's. Hello, baby.

Hello. Hello, baby. Hello. Hello, baby. Is that Wallace or is that one of your other babies that you've had since that one? This is my smallest baby. He's looking around in confusion. Yeah. Andy, have you... I'm just going to add into your bit about the buttish clench. His ass clenched in anger.

I'm sorry, clenched in anger. No, that's good um have you noticed now that you have four kids that the kids are starting to raise themselves no no i haven't noticed that alistair i was promised that but still feels very much like we are the ones raising the kids as the parents gosh i'm so sorry to hear this okay um yeah are they raising are they raising themselves or are they lowering us? That's the question. It seems like that's probably where it would go.

Then we've got adding senses through magnet gloves and sonar goggles. This is, I mean, just a way of just getting more sensory organs on by just having them built into clothing is what I'm suggesting. I think you could probably wear a a sonar shirt you know i mean you could you've got all that area there on your chest that surface area that could be telling you what's out in the uh out out in front of you let's say if your eyes were closed or if you were blind uh you know and it could be telling what's behind you. Hello, baby. Sorry, Alistair, I'm now very distracted. No, we've got the Tarantino talent off.

We've got the faraway magic. We've got the math society. We call it a Quentin Tarantinoff. Okay, Quentin Tarantinoff. Okay, I'll write that down. Tarantino off. And then we've got far away magic. We've got the math society

one day where they let fuckheads have a go. And we've got the beef-based ecosystem for meat-based plant agriculture. Yes. Very good. To make it financially viable and self-sustaining. So, here we go.

Thank you so much for everything. Thank you so much for listening to In Think Tank. You can follow us at AlistairTB on Twitter

or stupidoldandy on Twitter or StupidOldAndy on Twitter or at 2andTank on both Twitter and Instagram and stuff like that. We're always around. You can listen to the 2andTheThinkTank podcast. You can come see me at the Comedy Festival show. You can go and watch Teleport or Magma or My Client is Innocent all on YouTube. or magma or my client is innocent all on youtube they're all there now and you can just watch them for free and uh see what we do when we do comedy festivals uh we love you a great deal and uh take care whoa that was great um that was a great sound we yeah wally do you want to say the last words of the podcast?

There we go. There we go. And we love you. Bye. It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those.

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