Two In The Think Tank - 379 - "DEPRESSION CUPID"

Episode Date: April 29, 2023

Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Bing, bang, bing, bang, bong. Bing, bing, bang, bang, bing, bang, bong. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank. The show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

And I am Alistair George William Trombley-Burchill. We're not editing out those pauses. We've never edited an episode. We're not starting now. Not about to start now. No, indeed. I mean, if the listeners are thinking, no, they're probably going to start editing the episodes today.

Never! I think they should put an edit button on twitter but i think it shouldn't just be for your own tweets i think you should be able to edit anybody's tweets i think that would be great every tweet should have an edit but i think if i think if elon's going down with the ship if he's doing this in style on the very last day before they shut down Twitter, he should put that on there. Yeah. That would be really nice. I mean, it wouldn't be any weirder than what he's doing now. Maybe that's what the people who get the brown tick, he'll sell the brown tick. And people with the brown tick can edit anybody else's tweets.

And there'll be no sign that it's been edited. What is the brown tick? I just made it up. No, but didn't they give, they gave like some junior Disney thing that a fake. Oh, there's a gold tick. He gave somebody a gold tick. Yeah, Disney Junior. It's some sort of organizational thing that you can get if you pay $10,000 a year or some shit.

I don't know. I don't know what it actually achieves. It doesn't matter. Maybe a super promoted or something. I'm not entirely sure. All right. So so what was the first um what was that first sketch idea you get the button where you could i think i think look it's it would i think if you if we were running a current sketch show live you know trying to respond to the news of the day we'd have a little thing in the twitter offices where people are pitching different things to Elon or Elon's pitching different things to them,

you know, running off at the mouth. Running off at the mouth? Running off at the mouth. Running off at the mouth. It sounds like you're lying there on your back regurgitating banana milk. You've drunk too much banana milk. You made me feel like vomiting is actually mouth diarrhea. That's what you made me realize when you said that,

running off at the mouth. I think that it would be really funny to see somebody who's, like, talking a lot, but they're talking more and more and more excitedly until eventually they're vomiting yeah wow they couldn't talk more they need to like start producing solids and then after that all their teeth start to fall out oh wow like that yeah blood and then the blood follows yeah like that organs bits of organs yeah And then the blood follows. Like that. Organs, bits of organs. Yeah.

And then one of their organs comes out. Is that a sketch? Is that a sketch? Yeah. I mean. I mean, I think, you know, the consequences of untreated verbal diarrhea are interesting. I think if somebody talking so much, they've had to wipe the spittle from their mouth so many times,

they've got nappy rash around their mouth hole, and they're applying pseudo cream to it like it's a baby's bottom. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Why do you think you're getting baby analogies? Why do you think I'm getting so many baby's bottom things into the podcast recently? Because that's just my passion. Wouldn't it be fun if companies,

if there was a baby version of companies, you know, where you could start a company and when it started it was a baby, right? Yeah. And so, like the government… Nobody's allowed to say anything bad about it. Yeah, and the government has to kind of breastfeed the company for the first couple of years keep it on the teat and all the people who are inside the company they you know they get paid by the government for those first couple of years because they're

like essentially they're like the cells and the organs and the brain and stuff like that sustained yep being sustained and so you're not expected to be good at it yet for you know for a few years even maybe even 10 so and and and actually we have a government thing where like you know like with infant mortality you know that statistic about you know five out of tens or you know nine out of ten startups fail within the first five years yeah we we treat that as an infant mortality statistic and we fight like hell to get that down so we'll keep even the most unviable company alive yeah but we're also you know but like there will be a point where they do get cut off you know so that it's in their own interest i mean i guess they could you know they could probably i guess start a new company

yeah i guess yeah probably you know but i think we should stop calling startups startups and start calling them baby companies little babies little babas baby business baby business businesses baby businesses infant infant newborn buzz this buzz this buzz what about start start start pups start pups uh it's not too bad but then that sounds like a baby startup yeah company you know company yeah i just thought of the most awful pun but

oh they're like yeah i can't even say it out loud wow wow is it offensive yeah oh great we'll tweet in if you think you know what it is no dms don't put it don't put it on the public feed. Put the slurs in the DMs. What makes you think it's a slur? I assumed it was just because it was offensive, but I guess other things can be offensive. No, it was a pun that involved a threat to kill one of your family members.

Oh, okay. Well, I actually don't find that offensive. Nothing can offend me. I don't get offended by anything.. Well, I actually don't find that offensive. Nothing can offend me. I don't get offended by anything. You do, I think. You do. I've seen you get offended at somebody's bad comedy. No, yeah.

But was it, like, honestly, every time now, I look back on me being offended at people's bad comedy, and every time, you know, I'm offended by people's bad comedy. I take it really personally. I overthink it. But then a while later I'm like, but remember the really, really bad comedy you did. And then I get sad.

Yeah. Thinking about the really terrible stuff I did early on. You can't offend me, but you can make me really sad in three months' time. When I think about my own, when your failings make me think about my own failings. Yes, when I reflect upon, oh, I'm going to reflect on this in a quiet moment. Oh, I wonder if there's a way. It's going to send be into a spiral. If there's like a chemical that you could dip an arrow into that makes, you know, and then you shoot it at somebody. I guess getting shot by an arrow would make you sad anyway.

I think what you're describing is regular arrows. Oh, yeah. Are you talking about the cupid of depression are you hoping to be the opposite of the cupid of love yeah you're the cupid who makes relationships fall apart oh imagine that i think real fucked up little cherub yeah going around yeah that would be good what like okay because he would look different wouldn't he you wouldn't have curly hair probably have straight black hair yes good lanky it's real lanky and he doesn't shoot arrows at people he poisons them he pours sort of as black liquid

into their into their tea when they're not looking. Spits into their mouth. From above, like from the stands. He hovers above the marital bed. Yeah. You know, these leathery wings whirring, and he hocks a loogie into the open sleeping mouths of these exhausted parents you don't you don't have to be a parent you don't have to be a parent to be in a difficult relationship of course you don't even have to be sharing a bed with somebody maybe

it's because you're not sharing a bed that's a bigger maybe it works for business relationships you know that's right and for some reason even though he's lanky i picture him being very curved in the spine and he looks down a lot wow but he's still a baby yeah still a lanky baby but it's a lanky emo baby yeah yeah leathery wings like do you picture them black because i was also picturing them black um leathery wings yeah yeah yeah sure sure sure no i just i mean it was when you there's a type of there's a type of like um clear leather yeah but but yeah but like a like a like a very pale, oily kind of thing as well, you know, would be pretty unpleasant. I mean, imagine making a transparent leather, you know, it's like Pepsi clear, but with leather.

What a great analogy for a transparent thing what's something that's transparent um pepsi clear that's normally because it's normally like a kind of dark brown and black i know i know i know it was very fine it was very normal maybe we could get one of those deep sea fish those transparent fish that you can see through. Yeah. Right? And see their brains and stuff. And we could get their fish leather.

I don't know if you can get fish leather, but we could give it a go. Well, I wonder if there's a way of like boiling down enough Pepsi clear that the syrup would itself be kind of clear. And you get a, you know, like, and then you set the syrup. And you can turn that into leather. Yeah, you get a Pepsi clear leather. That's the easiest way to, you know. A lot of the time people use analogies,

but they don't use the thing in the analogy to actually do the actual thing. the actual thing you know what if we turned this reality this analogy into reality imagine that a genie gives you three wishes and you wish for the power to turn analogies into reality that's what that's your first Yeah, that's your first one. Realogies, you call them. Realogies. Yeah. I want the power of reality,

and I don't want you to do any of that tricky genie stuff where you give me some other power. You know what I mean. You know, and then, i don't know legit it's like then i don't know it makes you like make he makes you like study um like real madrid or something like that you know and you go oh you're an expert in real madrid you go oh you're lucky i've got two more fucking wishes fucking wishes. Fucking wishes. Real Madrid.

He's such a great tricker, this genie. You asked to be able to make analogies reality? I made you an expert in Real Madrid. Real Madrid. Because you're like, wait a second. He's not even trying. I's not even trying like when you first get a wish granted like what does that feel like you know let's say you were given the power to turn analogies into reality like would it feel like something because i know that when if once he gave you the power of real madrid right to know everything about real madrid suddenly you'd be

like geez this reminds me of real madrid you know like because you you know because it's something that's so prominent in your brain that it would be a cut become a filter through which you see things and you go why why do i feel like this right now have you done something sneaky you fucking genie fuck? Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting. Uh-oh, I accidentally unplugged my headphones. I used to wait. There we go, we're back. Hang on.

He'll be plugging them in back in again right now. I better talk so he knows when it's done. Can you not hear me? Yeah, I could hear you, but you couldn't hear me do you understand yeah yeah yeah but i was talking for most of that time yeah and i was listening enthusiastically i heard it all when i did everything what did you say after i said you genie fuck i think i probably really got on board with that. Oh, great. Yeah. Well, what did that sound like, Andy? It's the bit I couldn't hear.

You thought you were putting stuff out there and getting nothing. I really committed to that genie fuck line and Andy gave me nothing. Gave me nothing. He must be thinking about something else. He must be checking Twitter. He must be. No, you wouldn't do that to me, you human fuck. You mortal fuck.

You mortal fuck. Fellow mortals. Fellow mortals. That's a great way to greet people. Yeah, it also sounds like hello mortals as well. But fellow mortals is nice. Yeah, hello mortals. You're on stage. Hello, fellow mortals as well. But fellow mortals is nice, you know, like you're on stage or whatever. Hello, fellow mortals.

No, I'm not saying, I'm just saying, I think fellow has hello in it. Hello, you know. I think that fellow, I think you do kind of say hello when you say fellow. I don't. Yeah, because look, because as you're opening your mouth and you're transitioning from the F. You think an H slips out. Yeah, I think there's a little H that slips out.

It's one of those invisible letters. Because you don't go hello like that. You would have to cut off the airflow to stop there being a hello. Hello, fellow. airflow to stop there being a hello hello fellow you can't help it because you're opening your mouth to get that ello jello i think jello as well so if you said jello jello mortals um yeah probably accidentally say hello mortals as well so it would work as a greeting um there was something at the end of that gd thing that i liked but um okay so wait so so then we got to the real madrid what it would feel like right and so then he would have to try again i was asking i was asking like if somebody put a whole lot of knowledge into your brain without you knowing about it,

when would you become aware of it? Would you even be able to tell that that had happened? Because do you remember, like would you even know how to remember something if you didn't know that you knew it? How would you find that information in your brain, right? Like would it be connected to your, because I think know that you knew it, how would you find that information in your brain, right? Like, would it be connected to your... Because I think... Because all the stuff that you know are connected to experiences,

like the experience of learning it. Indeed, or your sense of self, right, in some way. So they tie in there, and that, I imagine, provides the vectors, the pointers that allow you to then trace that back to, like, where it's stored in your memory, right? Like you're following little breadcrumbs of identity. Maybe these are experts, right? And so, in order to get it into your mind, they would also have to put in the memory of learning it or the experience of learning it, and then place it in time and space and things like that

and interconnect it in that way. You have to jack it into your sense of self somehow. Like in Ocean's Eleven when that guy goes into that room, he's pretending to be a security guard and he goes in to connect into all the security cameras, right? And he has some little thing, some little clips that he can put onto the cables that allow him to feed back and forth with the computer system of the Bellagio and the other ones.

The Bellagio. Because there were three, weren't there? There were three restaurants? Hotels. Casinos, that's it. That they were doing. Casinos, yeah. But they're also hotels as well, aren't they?

Sure, sure. They don't make enough money just from running the casino, it seems. They have to get into, they probably do food and drink as well. So, you know, you were entirely wrong. It's like a centaur. They're like the centaur yes it's the centaur of gambling in america i think that's las vegas you're right it is the centaur of all it is the very epicentaur epicentaur that's a um that's a a centaur that is half bull half bull half cure for a bee sting

oh wow i was not expecting that uh to be the end of that but that's great um yeah uh anyway but when he clips into those things that's what they'd have to do with the memories they'd have to clip them into existing neural pathways yeah in your brain the the the new information so that you can uh access it yeah i think that there's a whole movie isn't there like there's a whole idea or sketch or film or story into discovering a fake memory in your brain and how you would discover it how you would because it's it's it would be really difficult to be sure because it feels it would just feel wrong but because all of remembering seems to be so based on feeling. Do you think that's what the movie Inception is? A bit.

It is partially that, yeah. I mean, I guess that is the idea, isn't it? That they try to put it in there in a natural way through a dream. But then dreams are the things that you remember the least that's not what we're trying to achieve here yes we want you to remember it the most indeed but or not even well i mean i guess it just depends on yeah i mean that is entirely the movie um but let's we're doing it we're doing this one rather than from the point of view of the people who are putting the memories in. We're doing it from the point of view of the person who is discovering they think they might have a fake memory.

Yeah. I mean, is that creating false memories and stuff? I don't know where the science is at on that right now whether that's even possible i was reading a fucking crazy article about this guy who created this miniature cult uh around a campus of a university in the united states and those students that he just like hooked into this fucking these fucking mind games he was the parent of one of the students yeah i read about this guy too yeah did you read that full article it was so yeah and then like insane he was kind of just like a acting kind of like a father figure at first and just kind of like being like giving advice and things like that and then they because he was just staying with them on campus and then it's

slowly but surely he's like oh let's all move out and then it's like all right you're doing sex acts for money to pay for this yeah and the fact that he convinced them all that like all a bunch of them that they'd been trying to poison him and that they needed to pay him money as compensation for all this stuff that and they all like they they then went into court and testified that yes they had been trying to poison him and stuff like that like it's like that what is that that that must be yeah i can't yeah and then also that he was a former mobster and things like that like you go like what how like that that's a whole weird world of developing skills where you like can get into a group of people and then control them all

yeah but like it just scared me so much made me realize that like oh man our brains are not what we think they are and we can just – you could just be controlled by somebody like that. what you're responsible for and not responsible for are just they're just like play-doh and somebody could come in and just reshape all of that and create a new reality for you that you would buy into completely you would believe what they said more than what had actually happened and what you had actually experienced like i feel yuck i guess there's probably a big chance that we already are under the effect of stuff like that from governments and everything that we've learned you know yeah like you know i mean this is this is this is dangerous territory to go into but like when i look at all the stuff about the propaganda with ukraine and that sort sort of thing and you see the accounts online that seem to be just regurgitating Russian propaganda and blaming Ukraine and the West for the invasion and that kind of thing.

And you're like, why do you believe that stuff so much? And then I'm like, why don't you believe the stuff that I believe that my government is telling me? Yeah. And then I get a little bit like, but our government has been wrong about a lot of other things. But then I go, yes, but Putin is imprisoning and killing journalists and all opposition figures. Then I go, nah, yeah, so he's probably the wrong on this one. Good thing you murdered all those journalists or I wouldn't have been sure that you perhaps weren't on the right side of the truth. If Putin hadn't murdered journalists and imprisoned opposition figures,

I would be a lot more uncertain. Exactly. Imagine if Putin was actually birthing journalists, was just like a big kind of, a big like, you know, sort of like a journalist queen. Yeah, he lies there with his grossly distended abdomen. That's right. And he was just pooping out journalists at all times

and feeding them his nectar. Investigative journalists, they come out with little pads and they're instantly, you know, burrowing around, getting to the bottom of things. Looking for facts around the thing. They've got magnifying glasses and little pads. They're reporting on little pieces of paper around the room, his office, and just kind of extra, extra piece of paper falls on ground,

that kind of thing. You know, that's where you start, obviously. Yeah, of course um that's it i mean write that down alistair i don't know i don't know what that is but like i think it would be funny to you know maybe it maybe we present it as a sketch uh maybe we present it as like a piece of russian propaganda in itself we're trying to counter where, you know, Russian propagandists have created this video. They're trying to counter the narrative that Putin is anti-journalist,

anti-media. And they've created this video of him birthing journalists, a little journalist pupae that's squirming out of the walls where he lays the eggs in the Kremlin. He's feeding them his royal jelly. Preparing the next set of proper journalists. Andy, I think we actually have five ideas here.

Would that be crazy? You think the expression, I don't think you're ready for this jelly. It's winter and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats, but meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls?

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Product availability varies by region. See app for details. It definitely does apply in hive scenarios, doesn't it? Like, you know, in the beehive. Yeah. Oh, beehive. Incidentally, what they call Beyonce's Believers right But in the beehive

The beehive The beehive right In the beehive Until You know the queen dies No one is None of the larvae are ready for this jelly The royal jelly that they feed them

That's right It is a bit later on isn't it crazy that we talk about butterflies as metamorphosizing metamorphosing but doesn't it seems to happen to almost every one of these creatures right like everything that's a larva first yeah must undergo like the and gooing that they all do where they all turn to goo and then reshape well I'm not sure if they all undergo an engooing

no? some of them might just reshape but like transform do they all go into a cocoon of some sort or it's just such a I mean yeah you're right they might not go to do the ingoing but they it's such a big difference yeah between being a a worm like puffy little like you know like it's like a puffy jacket like a sleeping bag kind of creature like a

like a little like a little cannelloni guy yeah like a yeah little little um what's the potato one little gnocchi like a little living gnocchi right gelatinous you know you don't look like you've you kind of you know you don't you don't look like there's any part of you that's actually all that different you just skin and then inside goo. Stuff. You know? And then to get having like legs and shit like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think that if they don't undergo an engooing, that they just start to form the legs on the inside, like the sort of the firm, like long kind of exoskeleton-y, bony legs on the inside of the... And then they burst through. Yeah, and then eventually like their skin and their goo falls away. I mean, I don't know, I find it... Yeah, now that you mention it, now that we're going down this path, I can't imagine how you would do it without turning into goo.

Maybe they all turn into goo. I can't think of a different way i mean i mean what i was just describing is kind of like not turning into goo it's just no of course it's like you you use your own larva as the cocoon your own skin and stuff and you kind of just replace because i mean there must be some kind of muscular system or whatever that allows them to kind of do the walking or the or the rolling or whatever they do like you know i think maybe i'm picturing tardigrades so they kind of have their own feet but i guess larvae themselves don't have feet they're just a wormy kind of creature right i'm not sure i don't know i don't know we got to go away and do some research into this. I feel like we're going to get ourselves into trouble with the...

Oh, no, yeah, we're going to get the larva people after us. Entomologists. Yeah, and then they're going to be, actually, we pronounce it, a-lar-va, like that, and you go, stop it, experts, stop changing how you pronounce things, so that you can just tell us that we're incorrect. Anyway, sorry. Yeah. things so that you can just tell us that we're incorrect anyway sorry yeah i um i have that's my one issue with experts i want you to know i like everything else experts do what about this is an idea for a show it's called the floor is larvae and you are in a room with maggots just crawling everywhere all over the floor.

How do you like that? It's like, you know, like, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. But it's, I'm a larva, get me into you. Right? Wow. And then it's just like they're celebrities, but you put bugs in their holes. Yeah, well, they're celebrities, right? But what we've done is we've used pincers or something like that to keep all their orifices open, right?

And then they have no clothes on. And then we put them into this room full of crawling bugs. And they've got to try and get through it without getting any bugs into their open holes. They've got to get the least amount of bugs into their holes. They weigh you before and they weigh you after just the screaming horrible trauma that they would get from this thing and it's like some of it is like they're wading through like hip height, like amounts of bugs, infestation with their mouth like held open with one of those plastic things. And their eyes, their ears and widened, their nostrils have those things that like open up the nostrils like that those bike riders do i mean specifically it's the yes it's the it's the genital area that is maybe the most

unpleasant i don't really yeah i don't know it's not good yeah and it's and it's not like it's not like you can run through the room in like 17 seconds or whatever like that. Like it's a, it's like a three minute thing. Well, yeah. And also I think your movement would probably be impaired by these big calipers they've got clipped on you. Be hard to, you know, move confidently I imagine. What's that called? What's this called? I'm not going to, I'm not going to tell you.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. All right. I'm a maggot. Get me into you. I don't want to talk about it anymore. All right. I'm a maggot. Get me into you. Yeah, great. The floor is larvae. Oh, yeah. Or it's called...

The floor... It's called... Wait for it. The biggest larvae. Like biggest loser? It doesn't quite work, does it? The biggest gainer of larvae weight. Good.

Andy, we technically have all the sketch ideas that we need. It's called Step Into My Orifice. Step Into My Orifice. I mean, they don't have feet as far as I know, but I guess there's the various amounts of bugs because you want flies and stuff like that to get into their eyes. Of course you do. Of course you do.

Andy, if there's not a porno called Step Into My Orifice, and I bet you there isn't. I bet you there isn't, right? Do you want me to Google it right now? Yeah. What's your bet? I bet there is. You think there is?

Yeah, of course. I mean, what's that rule 43 of the internet or something like that? Well, there is a song by talk show boy called step into my orifice baby okay um and then there's also here with something by here step into my orifice and that's from Lethal Weapon 3. Wow. There you go. Yeah. So, look, you're right.

But, you know, I didn't search, like, Pornhub or anything like that. So, there could be more. But I guess I was actually surprised other people had considered that. I find the existence of pornographic pun titles a strange thing. For whom does the addition of a pun increase the enjoyment well of that i mean it's a little chuckle you know i think it's like you get you started you know i think it's it's like um you know every meal needs a little salt needs a little acid needs a little sweetness you know all that kind, you know, all that kind of stuff. And I think that you can have a meal that's mostly sweet.

You can have a meal that's mostly sweet. So, like, I think when you're going for a porno, a lot of the time you're going for something that's real horned up. Sure. Right? But I don't think that that means that having films, pornographic films that are also a little humorous or a little literary. Yeah.

I don't think that there's – I would be – you would be – it would be remiss of you to think that there's not an audience for that. That's true. Literary. Literary. That's true. Literary. Literary. Ah, yes. You're chuckling at the literary illusions.

Actually, that's one of my key words on Pornhub is literary. Andy, do you want me to go to three words from a listener? I'd love that.

I'd love that. Well, Andy, you're gonna you're gonna love this because we have three words from a listener who submitted three words maybe three years ago ah the system works no but and then i didn't get to them and, it might have been two years ago. But anyway, it's from the amazing Mike Lee. Hey, Mike Lee, the rumors are true. You are amazing. Yeah. And Mike Lee submitted words, I think maybe in 2021. And I didn't see them or get to them.

And so, yesterday, I got an email from the amazing Mike Lee, or the Patreon message, saying, let's try this again, three words from a listener. And I think that they're different words, but I'm going to go with these new ones. Yes. Just because that's what's in front of me. Okay. And it would be a shame to use those old words now,

when we're going, you know. Well, now you can be like oh well i love the amazing mike lee words assuming you do and then you go why don't we go find some some of his older work yeah you know like go see his back catalog yep dip into the archive yeah so do you want to try to guess what the first word is? Yeah. Okay. The first word is... Listerine. Andy, your dog was way closer. Your dog was closer. Did you hear your dog speak?

Woof? Bark? The first word is canine. Canine. Okay. Canine okay uh canine police canine police oh indeed very wrong very wrong it is canine handshake canine handshake tutorial indeed that's a great guess but but unfortunately, the third word is law. Canine handshake law. Can I just say, though, on canine police, it made me think about how police also have their internal crime squads who investigate crimes within the police. I think there should also be a dog who does that, as well as Inspector Rex who investigates criminals.

There should be like, what's that show like a like a line of duty or something where it's uh it's about the internal corruption within the police force maybe it's it's a dog investigating other dogs who are corrupt or if it's a dog investigating corrupt police i'm not sure but that that should exist yeah there should be an internal uh so what's it called internal internal dog squad internal corruption dog squad squad yeah that's right all right i'll write that down yes in the wine of duty in the wine of beauty wine wine w-h-i-n-e like a dog does it's nothing i'll move on i don't even know if the show's called in the line of duty i'm not even sure the line of duty is a tv show yeah you're right and it is it is about internal corruption so it makes sense yeah and it makes you. And it's a great porn parody.

Line of duty. Oh, why are you fucking me like this? I guess, I mean, internal corruption sounds more. Oh, wow. Yeah. You know, I'm inventing. Internal corruption sounds like my stomach once every six months yeah as you're are you doing better uh stomach wise now i i have been doing better for a long

time but just uh on the weekend i got a bug from one of our children and i have gone gone back downhill again but it's okay do you think that they gave it to you on purpose? Yeah, I think so. And I think it's part of a conspiracy. Okay, so we got canine handshake law. Handshake law. Okay. Canine handshake law. So there's dogs shaking hands with people.

Yes. Were we still allowed to shake hands with dogs during the pandemic? You weren't supposed to. shaking hands with people. Yes. Were we still allowed to shake hands with dogs during the pandemic? Or did you have to sort of, yeah. You weren't supposed to elbow bump with the dogs? Elbow bump, yeah, because their legs bend the other way. Is that right? They are strange. They bend in an unusual way.

And they have more joints, it seems like, than we know what to do with. have more joints it seems like than we uh know what to do with i think uh i think a something about i mean you know it's not particularly topical now but uh somebody teaching their dog to elbow bump you know a pandemic trained dog yeah um i is interesting it's probably not a sketch idea i wonder whether, you know, there's... Because, you know, when I hear canine handshake, I get confused whether or not it's shake the dog's hand, you know, with your hand, or whether it's the dog biting down on your hand

and doing that thing where they shake the thing that they've got, you know? Yeah, well... Like that? They call it it worrying did you know that it's called worrying is it so if they catch a if they catch a rabbit and they shake it around with their jaws yeah they are worrying that rabbit and i gotta say accurate word i reckon that rabbit is worried it's say i'm very worried about this but it's essentially like worried but do you think that it's essentially a internal like like it's in a hard-coded method into dogs for like snapping the necks of small mammals No, that's exactly what it is. I think it is, yes, precisely.

All right. But, yeah, I mean, they could use that to shake hands. It seems like the mechanism is there. Lock their jaws onto your hand. Yeah, but, I mean, maybe there's been some confusion and they've had to make a law that only one thing can be called the handshake the canine handshake i don't know i'm just trying to you know shake you know because there's one dog trainer out there who's teaching shake like you go sit and you go shake and then the dog

bites your hand and like essentially like snaps your wrist right and so because of this this rebel this rebel uh dog because you know people will do that a lot you know it's like if you got like a they'll always say oh sit shake like that kind of stuff oh yeah and this is causing a lot of trouble in the community yeah no i think i think that's um i think you're right and and something would have to be done the police would have you know the government would have to introduce legislation to standards for dog training standards yeah words are important but and it's and then then you know the you think the free speech people would get on board and be like, oh, you can't teach your dog anything anymore.

I mean, I should be allowed to call shaking whatever I want to my dog. Yeah. It's a slippery slope, you know. What's next? What's next if we can't teach our dogs to shake people's hands with their jaws people marrying dogs and then and then wait uh kissy no i've got nothing i was trying to do a slippery slope thing alistair i think i should Kissing dogs on the map? So go. You should also what? I think it would be good to make use of the dog shaking technology, right?

Yeah. To open a sort of a boost juice type smoothie place. But what we do is we put all the ingredients inside a rabbit skin, right? And then we drag all the ingredients in the smoothie and put inside a hollowed out rabbit skin, maybe still in a container or maybe loose inside the skin. Then we drag it on a string across a field, like we're getting greyhounds to race around a track, right? But we don't drag it that fast we let the dogs catch it okay yeah they grab it and obviously they shake it around and as they're doing that they're mixing up that smoothie

beautiful they're really whipping it back and forth whipping your hair back and forth like it's a hair now it's not a it's not a rabbit i whip my hair back and forth h-a-r-e yes and it and so we are telling the dog that it is their hair yeah that's right and and then you know the dog brings it back this limp carcass of the rabbit it was already dead it might not even be real right but but if you're worried about this we put gel on it so that it is temporarily stiffened so it seems more alive you You know, that's why then it, you know, then kind of like the shaking breaks the bonds of the gel, you know, it's a rigid structure. And then it goes very limp,

apart from the internal bottle that has all the ingredients in there. Yes, or they're loose in there. We still haven't worked out the details. But would we maybe put some, like, let's say it was a bottle. Because, you know, like, I think with a Boost Juice, it's like they've got quite a strong blender and stuff like that going. And so just shaking some ingredients probably wouldn't smooth. But maybe if you drop some razor blades in there.

For when it's shaking. Sure. That's what you got to do. Yeah. It's a rural Boost Juice taking the world, the rural world by storm. Good dog. Good dog. Okay.

And it's called I Whip My Hair Back and Forth is the name of the smoothie. Yeah. Emporium. Yeah. Okay. I love an emporium. I whip my hair back and forth. And it's so renewable, this place, this thing, because you don't use electricity. That's what's nice about it.

Yes. this thing because you don't use that's what's nice about it yes you know and it probably allows you to make use of all the the greyhounds that have been rejected for not being able to run fast enough that's beautiful we're giving a home we're giving them work we're putting them to work we're giving them the dignity of a job that's right and then we're you know and that way also people who live in the city don't have to own greyhounds exactly um

Andy do you think I should wrap this I think you should wrap it have you disappeared no I'm still here have you unplugged the headphones again

I can't hear you anymore one second oh Jesus Christ Alistair turn this down nope it's my headphones that have stopped working hang on i can hear you alistair i can hear everything you say i am here

but you are gone it's like i'm a ghost i feel like i am haunting you from the other side of it i picked up a coil i moved i moved a uh one of my earbuds and i moved it and i must have activated it when i touched it and then it was just playing there on the shelf there you ready to hear today's sketch ideas oh yeah okay this is for episode 379 of the Two in the Think Tank podcast. We've got talking so much, in brackets, verbal diarrhea, that you then eventually vomit, then your teeth fall out, then blood, then your organs all come out. It's an awful way to start a podcast.

It's a horrible, unpleasant idea. Yeah, then we've got... And I commend it to you. Awful way to start a podcast. It's a horrible, unpleasant idea. Yeah. And I commend it to you. And then for some reason there, there's the word babusinesses. Babusinesses? Babusinesses. That's it. Babusinesses.

I didn't even write this down as an idea. I've just written down babusinesses. So, baby businesses. Okay. Then I've got Cupid of Depression, who spits in your mouth. Yes, that's nice. Yes. He jabs you with a syringe.

Yeah. Oh, that's good too, actually. with a syringe. Yeah, oh, that's good too, actually. We've got asking a genie

to let you turn reality into, turn analogies into realities. I think it would be good to have a Cupid for every emotion. Yeah,

the Cupid. Well, I just love that emotion verse. It's a good idea. Yeah, for every relationship style a cupid that makes you want to go into business with someone that's great and it wears a little suit little brown suit

nice um we've got epicentaur that's so stupid i'm sorry i wrote that down wow we've got finding out someone put a memory in your mind we've got putin birthing journalists like an ant queen we've got i'm a mag really like that yeah i've got i'm a maggot get me into you or the floor is larvae or step into my orifice great um then we've got internal corruption dog squad we've got dog trainer who teaches shake but it means bite hand and shake with it with and then the government has to get involved because it's causing problems. And then we've got rural boost juice with dog shakes. I whip my hair back and forth. So, you happy with that?

I think it was a fun episode, Andy. Yeah, I mean, it's real's some really quite unpleasant ideas in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good, isn't it? It is good. It's good to get them out. My wife just walked by. Has your wife ever spoken on the episode?

Oh, yeah. She's been a guest. Indiana's never been a guest. I don't think she would hate it But we'll see Maybe I can convince her Should we go into the song? Mm-hmm

Okay Thank you so much for listening to Two in the Think Tank. That was great how you did that. You know, as always, we'd like to unplug Alistair's comedy festival show because that's the responsible thing to do. Unplug it, yes, that's right. So it's not using up any electricity, small amounts of microvolts or whatever. We'd also like to unplug...

All the other shows. Jack Drew's show, Bank Betrayers, Matt Stewart. Laura Davis, we'd like to unplug Andy's Spanish books. No, leave those plugged in. Leave those plugged in running in the background. Andy, I think I'm going to start a podcast network soon. I'm excited for that. Yeah, you think so?

You think you're excited? Yeah. I'll wait until you... Can I get a few extra podcasts on that podcast network? You'll never want to do them, Andy. You don't have the time. I will. No, I don network? You'll never want to do them, Andy. You don't have the time. I will. No, I don't.

But I do want to do them. I'm going to become the Zammit of my own podcast network. It's a Sands Pants reference. Anyway, take care, everybody. We love you. And we love you. Bye. Torella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

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