Two In The Think Tank - 38 - "COMEDY FESTIVAL SPECIAL"

Episode Date: March 25, 2014

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Tigger snake is over there. Tigger snake is in your kookaburras. Is it silly enough? Yeah, no. Is it silly enough? Yeah. Is it silly enough? I'm not sure. Wow, okay. I worry sometimes.. Is it silly enough? Yeah. Is it silly enough? I'm not sure.

Wow, okay. I worry sometimes. I'll check the readings. Yeah. I'll check the meter and see if it was silly enough. You know what? I had a thought on the way here when I was running before, because you know you told me the thing before about how if somebody has a baby at 40, it's going to be 10 to 20%

uglier than if somebody has it at the age of 21. Yeah, this is the dad. If the dad is 21 versus being 40. Which I think I'm going to integrate into a bit. But I thought, how do they measure attractiveness of that person? Of a person? I think they measure it in RPMs, which is roots per month. As opposed to BPMs, which is Beating Off Per Month.

That's B-O-M. Beating Off is all one word. Beating Off? Bitting Off. Bitting Off. Bitting Off is a... Is it like an auctioneer? No, it's a...

It's a German name. Beating Off. Oh, Bitting Off. Yeah. Bitting Off O'Loughlin. Yeah. Alright. Bitting off. Bitting off. Yeah. Bitting off O'Loughlin. Yeah. All right. Hi, everybody.

Welcome to Two in the Think Tank. I'm sorry about all of that. Sorry about everything, right? We're doing a show at the Comedy Festival. Yeah. And we're also doing a show right now. We're doing a show right now. It's a podcast show.

Yes. And if you're just tuning in for the first time because you found about it, found about about it, found about it, can we start again? No, no, I'm liking this. Found about about it. Found about about it. Found about about it.

Found about about it. Okay, so if you found out about it through the Comedy Festival website or something like that, you saw two in the think tank said oh my god, they do a podcast, what are we going to do? We'll check it out, We'll see if they're funny or whatever. Well... We are funny. Maybe. And

so what we do here is we... The podcast is we come up with five sketch ideas, right? And then we've been doing that for like six, seven months or something like that. Maybe longer. And then we take those ideas and then we've turned them into this sketch comedy show that's on at the Imperial Hotel for the first half of the comedy festival.

At 11.15pm at night. Yeah. It's me, Andy Matthews. And me, Alistair Tremblay-Burchell. And we're doing sketches. We're performing it. So, you know, it's 50 minutes of a good time. 50 minutes of a good time.

That's almost an hour. That's almost an hour of good time. It gives you 10 minutes to just reflect before you go into your next hour. Or five minutes to get ready at the beginning and five minutes to reflect at the end. I think we should implement a system whereby every hour of every day, the hour is actually only 50 minutes long. And then you've got 10 minutes, which isn't considered to be part of the hour. And during that 10 minutes, you can just sort of think about what you did

in the last hour and what you're going to do in the next hour. So we can all just plan our lives just a little bit better. We could all become like really dedicated Quakers. Really dedicated. Dedicated. Oh my God. Dedicated. That's like an antiquated thing, but it's also dedicated. But it's also a Quaker. Deader Quakers.

Deader Quakers. Honestly, the podcast is normally not like this. I'm the articulate one. Alistair, I am the articulate one in this podcast. Which is why I am so ecstatic at the moment. I'm filled with joy. And, Andy, look, there's conflict. There's joy. I'm filled with joy. And Andy, look, there's conflict. There's joy.

I'm filled with nothing but shame. There's humor. There's laughter. It's all the good things. There's interaction. There's character development. This is how the podcast goes. You come up with a funny idea.

I express it. Fuck! I express it eloquently. If I can't do that, I'm redundant. Andy, I don't come up with all the funny ideas. You've got plenty of funny stuff. I did a line in my stand-up last night that I had to tell everybody, the one that everybody complimented me on.

They said, I love it, and I had to go, yeah, that's Andy's line. There you go. Because that's what we do. But that was me expressing your idea eloquently, Alistair. Me and Andy. It was your concept. Me and Andy, Alistair. Me and Andy. It was your concept. Me and Andy, we share everything. Everything.

Yeah. Except for our lives. Yeah, absolutely. Nothing important. No, no, no. A couple of lines here. A couple of eloquently expressed. We've got like a shared bank account, but it's like a shared sort of pool of words.

It's a pool of words. Word pool. Word pool. No diving. No diving in the word pool. No spitting in the word pool. Take the word spitting out. Yes.

No dirty words in the word pool. This is the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. Yeah. And that's basically, that's it. That's it. That's all we do. That's it. That's our entire system.

And that's what we're kind of starting already to do. In a way, yeah. Like the word pool thing, right? That could be a thing. That could be a sketch. What's another thing that you pool? Car pool. Car pool?

Don't dive in the car pool. Yeah. A pool of vomit pool. Car pool? Don't dive in the car pool. A pool of vomit? Okay, I love it. Right? There's a pool of vomit. A town, a small township said, we just got a pool. Everybody goes to look at it. Turns out it's just a pool of vomit. And then somebody comes along and hammers in a sign next to it, which says, no diving, no spitting, no running. But it's also an Olympic-sized pool of vomit. Because it's about the size of what an Olympian would vomit.

Like a proven athlete. A world-class athlete would vomit like that. Like Phelps. Yeah, someone like Phelps. Michael Phelps. Let's say he's stoned out of his brain. He that. Like Phelps. Yeah, someone like Phelps. Michael Phelps. Let's say he's stoned out of his brain. He's greening out. Wow.

Yeah? Yep. He's greening out. Has a bit of a chuck, right? Goes the vom. Goes the vom. And whatever size that is, that becomes the sort of international standard Olympic vomit pool size.

Yeah, okay, great. Write it down. Look, I think that's absolutely a sketch idea. I think it's a small township, gets a pool, turns out it's an Olympic-sized pool, but it's a pool of vomit, guys. Classic. Classic. I don't know quite how we

announce it. Is it a thing that they planned to get? They've been trying to get a pool for a long time? Or is it just a thing that they find one day? They find a pool of vomit. And they say, we've always wanted a pool. I think it's great because in the country, we don't really have that much to do,

but now we've got this pool. Of vomit. Of vomit. Of vomit. And so, you know, you do lots of... You go down and sit by the pool. By the pool, lay down your towel. Later you see all these people with deck chairs sort of around it. Well, they've never seen a regular pool.

They don't know. But then the government doesn't have... The council, local council, doesn't have the money to maintain the pool, and so soon people are coming along and graffitiing by it. And it starts evaporating. It falls into disrepair. And they didn't chlorinate it, so bugs and stuff like that start to kind of breathe in there. Do you think that some skaters come along and start, when the pool's dried out, they start skating in it?

Yes. What's that movie? The Dogs... Dogs of... No, the Lords of Dogtown. Lords of Dogtown. The Lords of Dogtown come down and they start, you know... Inventing skateboarding.

Yeah, inventing the modern skateboarding. The two-sided one. Oh, is that what they did? I'm not sure if they did that, but... Oh, somebody did. Somebody definitely did. Oh, it's very modern. You know people are going back to those old penny boards, the little ones,

with just, like, not even, like, a ramp at the back. Yeah? Just like a flat little board. Yeah, like the little ones that, like, are the size of, like, your foot. Yeah. Oh. That's pretty cool. Were they, like, the original ones?

I feel like they were. Yeah, maybe, but it feels like... Why would the original ones be made out of plastic? Wouldn't the original skateboard be made out of stone? Yeah, man. Like the first Nintendo. Like when the wheel was invented. Yeah. Was that cool?

Do you think the wheel was cool to begin with? And then just a few people had a wheel. Yeah. And then sort of suddenly everyone was doing it and suddenly the wheel wasn't cool anymore. Let's say they're the very first person to have invented the wheel. Do you think it was sort of like a cool young guy, like a guy who these days a kind of like a guy who would these like in these days

would be the kind of guy who you know has a has a startup yes would it be that kind of guy or would it be a guy like in his 50s who's kind of like a like a guy who just is always fixing things around the house and things like that and he's just in his kind of garage which you wouldn't need at the time because there was no wheels but or maybe they just had a garage where they're sort of like, you know, anyway. Anyway. Anyway, let's ignore that. Cause I started thinking, oh, how would the garage door spool up? Okay.

Yeah. That's definitely not important. Unless he knew about the concept of the wheel. But, uh, you know, or is it one of those guys, like a middle, mid fifties kind of guy who's just like, you know, he just likes fiddling with things. You know, he's just fiddling away with squares and rectangles. I think they call it tinkering. They don't call it fiddling.

Fiddling? No. No, no one talks about it. I've been in the garage fiddling. Fiddling. I say tinkering. Okay. Tinkering is great. Yeah, but...

There's no negative connotations to tinkering. I have a feeling it's got a pre... This could have been pre-tinker. Pre the word tinkering. I have a feeling this could have been pre-tinker. Pre the word tinkering? Yeah. What the fuck were we just talking about? Just everything just left my mind. The invention of the wheel.

And the wheel being potentially cool. Who invented it? Right, I literally have to rerun the entire thing in my mind because everything just disappeared. The question was, was it cool or was it like a guy who's just like a dad? I don't think those guys who are just a dad, they don't actually invent anything good, do they? Oh, what about that guy in New Zealand who invented that really fast motorbike? Oh, the world's fastest Indian?

Yeah. That movie title was a bit strange. Yeah. That movie title was a bit strange. Yeah. Like it's definitely setting you up for something you weren't expecting. Yeah. I was expecting an Indian. Like from India? Yes. Yeah. I thought he'd be really fast. Like a sprinter? Yeah, maybe a sprinter. Well, we should make another movie called The World's Fastest Indian. Yes, we should. He didn't invent anything. And the subtitle is exactly what you'd expect it to be.

What it says on the tin, mate. But he didn't invent anything, right? What he did was not be as shit as everyone thought he was going to be. That's the story of the world's fastest Indian. He was an old fool, and everyone was like, well, this is going to be shit. And he wasn't shit, and everyone was like, oh, well, I guess that's good. But he got like a land speed record. Yeah, for about 30 seconds, and someone else broke it. He had one of the fastest lands fastest broken

land speed records in the world. It was actually another record. Yeah. Well I think but I think it's because it was so specific to like he got a record

to that particular motorbike. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Like it had to be like a modified something or other and yes. Yeah.

World's fastest Indian. Yeah. I mean oh you know what I didn't like about, who's the actor again? Anthony Hopkins. Hopkins. I didn't like the promo shots they had for Hitchcock with him as Hitchcock. I didn't see the movie.

Right. But. The promo shots. The promo shots of just him with the sort of the big chin. I think they overdid the sort of the double. Did they stick one on? Yeah. Did they have a prosthetic chin? like like i said like it's more under chin it's more like the

not the jowls but the like what but the what's the underhang there uh i don't know like i i call it a turkey gobble but that's not that's not it at all it's like but it's like fatter and i think that's a medical term it's like an upside down bridge yeah yeah it's like fatter and kind of like... I don't think that's a medical term. It's like an upside-down bridge. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the upside-down bridge of the... Of the face. Oh, man. There is nothing to look forward to about getting fat and old.

Uh, weight. Okay. No, no, no. You're right. Sorry. I meant weight. Oh, weight. Yeah.

And also, not caring. Yeah. Well, you'd hope so. You'd hate to be fat and old and care. Right? That'd just be the worst. You would want your personal expectations to droop along with everything else. Yes.

Like, you don't have any elastic in your skin, and you don't have any pressure on your appearance. Yeah. Like the, yeah, you just... But what about these, what about like Helen Mirren, though? You know? Then you worry about, you know, you come across a Helen Mirren, and you go, ah. Well. She is setting an unrealistic standard of beauty.

Yeah, but like, is that her fault? I'm worried about what Helen is doing for the sexualization of the elderly Yeah To be perfectly honest That's true, we're over-sexualizing them now We are Because of Helen Mirren They used to be innocent

Oh, it was an innocence I mean, in a way, the innocence of the old is kind of disappearing Like, do you find that? Go on I mean, in a way, the innocence of the old is kind of disappearing. Do you find that? Go on. No, but that old people, there was something kind of cute in like, oh my god, they don't know anything. They're so ignorant and all that kind of stuff. But is that all just naivety, our own personal naivety?

When we think the older innocent, that's us lying to ourselves, right? Yeah. And when we think young people are innocent, a lot of the time it's the same thing, especially teenagers. You know, they're living their lives.

They're getting shit done. Getting shit done. Finding out about stuff. Yeah. Especially now with the invention of the wheel. Yeah.

They can move around faster. They can, you know, they can see parts of the world that in the past would have been completely inaccessible to them. See, the invention of the wheel is not very impressive. Because if you've got one wheel, that's a unicycle. So you think the axle is more important? I think the invention of the wheels. Now, that was good.

But the wheel. The axle. Yeah, the axle, actually. That's what you want. You wheel. The axle. Yeah, the axle, actually. That's what you want. You want a bloody axle. Yeah. Because even with square wheels, you can still go down a hill with it as long as you've got an axle. I don't know that you can, Alistair.

Yeah. A square wheel? It's not a smooth ride. Well, it won't be smooth. Oh, it's not smooth. It's not a smooth ride. Well, it won't be smooth. Oh, it's not smooth.

But when I was studying engineering, one time we were supposed to be designing a little kind of, like a Formula 3 car or something, like a Formula 4. Oh, that sounds like awesome. Yeah. Well, I didn't really care. Okay. But I remember when we were talking about, like, suspension and things like that

the lecturer kept going just don't worry about comfort for the driver that's not important that is a low priority so square wheels would have been fine I think some kind of sketch that involves the very early days of the wheel

and somehow something to do with the marketing of it how they're trying to make it sexy or something like you know like maybe when it is just one wheel yeah right but they're sort of marketing it using uh using the kinds of the images and the iconography of expensive cars or they're you know talking about the features of the wheel it's's like, okay, it's mobile. You can move it around. You can roll it places. Lie it on its side.

Eat food off of it. Eat food off it. What does this wheel represent? It represents freedom, man. Okay, this is it. It's the advertising executives, right? The wheel's just been invented. We've got four caveman advertising executives.

They're sitting around. They're trying to market the wheel. Yeah. It's a sketch. Absolutely. It's definitely a sketch. You see, and I mean, I guess back in those days, people didn't even have the tools to create wheels, most people.

Yeah. Sort of like now. Like, I mean, we can create a wheel, but we can't create, like, a rubber wheel at home. Back in those days, even just to have the sort of stone masonry tools would have been a big deal. Yeah. Even having somebody mine the stone. Do you think the first one was wood? It would definitely have been wood.

Like, a tree is already round, right? Yeah. Like, that's pretty much already a wheel. You just need to slice it off. Well, in our minds, it's always stone. Not in my minds. No? No. Don't say our minds. Don't you...

Andy, your mind and I. Your mind and I. Don't you partition off more of the collective conscious than you are entitled to, Alistair? That's the collective conscience. Well, I'm... Consciousness. Consciousness. I am claiming some of that consciousness. I'm going to write that down.

You're roping off an area? Are you annexing it? Okay, wait. This is the thing. Russia has annexed the Crimea. Annexed. What does that mean? Well, an annex I thought was like a little lean-to building

that you put on the side of a regular building. An annex. The learning annex. It's like a little portable classroom that you can go and learn about sexual health. A learning annex. Anyway, now Crimea is that for Russia. It's where everybody's going to go to learn about sexual health.

Sexual health? Well, that was a weird one. Like, imagine, because we're, okay, the people that you know and that I know, some of them are teachers. Yes. And then some of them have to teach sexual education. And then some of those people are really weird.

And then they have to be the only source of sort of public sexual education that they get, other than, like, the internet. And then you go, wasn't it weird that that guy public uh sexual education that they get other than like the internet and then you go wasn't it weird that that guy taught a sexual education yeah i think the guy who taught at my school had an earring that should not be allowed i mean i don't think people it's it is it is funny that like... Because look, people have come out and said that gay people shouldn't be allowed to teach sexual education at schools.

Some people have said that. People in the government have said it. It's ridiculous. That is ridiculous, yeah. Madness. But it would be funny to have more specific things like I don't think people with earrings should be allowed to teach sexual health. I don't know.

You probably shouldn't be able to teach sexual health in a t-shirt. Yeah, look, if you think it's alright to wear open-toed shoes... If your favourite colour is blue, how could you possibly... I don't want someone whose favourite colour is blue teaching my child, my child, my child, about the birds and the bees. Do you think people try to take too much ownership over their kids?

Too much ownership? Yeah. When they say my child. Yeah, right. And that kid yeah, right. And like that, that the person like that, that kid is really theirs. Like,

I know it's theirs to protect, but in a way it's like, well, it's its own person. Yeah. I mean, I'm still my parents' child. Yeah.

As a sort of a matter of definition. Yeah. But, you know, you're, you're really your own man. That's right. You're free now.

Yeah, I'm my child. I'm my own child. Yeah. Now? Absolutely, I'm my own child. I feed myself. Yeah. I dress myself.

I have to wipe my own ass. I do all my own wiping. I'm a self wiper that's a funny idea that like that uh you have to look after yourself you know oh come on look after yourself do i have to i don't i never asked to have to have the responsibility of raising a person. Yeah. But it's also because you go like, well, I've not looked after myself and I've been fine. And I turned out okay. And I've been totally okay.

So I'm not going to start telling myself what to do round about now. Yeah. Is that funny or is it just too weird? The looking after yourself. Yeah. I don't know. Like the idea that at a certain point, you're a child who is looked after by your parents.

And you get to a certain point where your parents don't look after you anymore. You have to look after you. So now you're the one looking after the child. That's true. You're old enough to look after the body. Yeah. It's like your body that your parents had to look after because you didn't know how to how to take care of it yeah and then you know they're like oh here's where you clean it here's and all this stuff and then i'll show you around yeah i'll

look i'll help you feed the body and things like that and then when you get older and they're like all right now it's your body so now you got to do that all on your own you go you got to put clothes on it to cover it and you got to make sure the clothes are clean and you got to walk it you got to walk it oh yeah you got to do plenty of exercise everybody want you know everybody wants a body a body is not just for christmas no absolutely you got to put greens in it yeah and you gotta you can't just put chips in there. And that's the thing, as soon as your parents are gone, there's nobody to go, stop eating that. Stop putting chips in there.

Stop putting so many chips in there. Filling it up with chips. And then they come around and they see your body and they say, oh, look, what have you done? Hey, we leave you alone with this thing for five minutes. It's all fat. It's up on the couch. We turn around and come back. It's up on cinder blocks.

It's had its wheels stolen. I think this is too bizarre. Do you think it's too bizarre? I think it's too bizarre. I don't think there's any way to make clear the distinction that we're talking about, which I think, myself, I think I'm not even completely clear on it. Like, it's reasonably subtle. For me, it's because I always think

about it, and I've been trying to find a way of doing this kind of bit for ages. Oh, okay. Well, let's push on if you want. Well, look, this is still the closest I've ever gotten, but look, maybe if it's so unclear for you, if you're still not clear of your own thoughts, maybe it's not good.

Maybe it's not clear at all. Well, I just feel like my language is not quite good enough. Especially today. Thank you. Thank you, yes. Well, Andy. Not eloquent. You haven't misspoken for at least five to ten minutes.

I must miss... Fuck. Do you think the thought of maybe misspeaking is what brings it on? It's like saying to somebody, don't mispronounce a pink elephant. Yeah. And then you go, oh, punk merleboo. Yeah. That's a bad example.

A punk malibu. Yeah, a punk malibu. Punk malibu. Yeah. Bad example. A punk Malibu. Yeah, a punk Malibu. Punk Malibu. Mispronounce. Hang in there, Andy. Come on, buddy. It's so hard. I know.

It's so hard. Life is difficult sometimes. Yeah. I feel like I'm trying to start an engine that is clogged or something and it keeps sputtering and switching off. It's like a lawnmower? Yeah, like a lawnmower. Yeah.

A two-stroke? Could we do a sketch about trying to start a lawnmower? Yes. It seems like a thing that I've just seen my parents try and do so many times. Like they've definitely failed to start more lawnmowers than they've ever started. Yeah. they've definitely failed to start more lawnmowers than they've ever started yeah the period of time that involves failing to start a lawnmower so so long how long and so filled with frustration and and mowing the lawn is not a fun thing to do anyway that you should have to work so hard

to get to the point where you can do a chore yeah it's a um it's definitely yeah it's not a i'm just gonna ask actually how many times that you witnessed this was the solution that there was not enough petrol in there it was never that there was not enough petrol in there it's always that it gets flooded i don't even really know what that means and i don't know how you fix it but apparently if you try to start a lawnmower too many times, it becomes difficult to start the lawnmower because the engine gets flooded. There's petrol in there and you can't get a spark or something like that. Did you guys have just a little lever that went down?

There's a lever. There's a lever. There's a button. You've got to press the button, but don't press the button too many times because the engine will get flooded. Oh, so yours is not like a yank one? It's a yank. Sorry, there's a little sort of a rubber, clear rubber buttony thing that's got like fuel in it, and that's like a little thing that pumps a little bit of fuel into the carburetor maybe. I'm really out on a limb here, Alistair.

Oh, wow. For me, it was just like it's a slight lever, which decides how much, like the choke. But you've got to turn on the fuel. There's the fuel tap. No, we didn't have any of that. We just pull it down. Okay, that's your choke. But you've got to turn on the fuel. There's the fuel tap. No, we didn't have any of that. We just pull it down. Okay, that's your choke.

Yep. Right? And then you just pull it. Yep. But if you put the lawnmower down too, the lever down too much, then that's when you flood it. Yeah, that's when you flood it. Because you can start smelling petrol.

Yeah. And you go, ah, you bloody flooded it. Okay. So how do we turn that into a sketch? It's just such a powerful experience that everybody's had. Okay. So how do we turn that into a sketch? It's just such a powerful experience that everybody's had. Everybody. Everybody.

Everybody. Well, and that's what we're trying to get now. We're trying to get more international and sort of universal themes. Themes, yeah. Starting a bloody lawnmower.

That's going to be my next comedy festival show. Yeah. Andy Matthews is starting a bloody lawnmower that's gonna be my next comedy festival show yeah andy matthews is starting a bloody lawnmower and every all the my bits are done in between yanks of the ripcord on the so i think it would be funny to like maybe have um something else right that isn't a lawnmower but that has to be started in the same manner as a lawnmower. So the first thing that my mind goes to is some kind of small children's toy that is fluffy and cute but then you've got to put petrol in it

and you've got to start it and it's just like everybody gets really, really angry trying to start it and then when it finally does start it just plays a little tune and does a dance or something. But that's not quite satisfying me. So what would that be, like an analogy?

It wouldn't be an analogy. It would just be a universe in which there's this child's toy that has to be started in the same manner as a lawnmower. Instead of a lawnmower. Yes, yes. But what if we did it and it was a lawnmower? Okay, that's fine as well. I mean, it's...

It's in a universe in which that's the way you kind of turn on lawnmowers. You know, that wasn't a problem I had until I moved to Australia because we just had electric lawnmowers. Really? See, we're so proud of having invented the Victor lawnmower here in Australia. I don't know if you know that. Here in Australia, Alistair. Here in Australia.

Like electric as in you would have a cable, like an electric cord. Yeah, you just have like a long... Wow. And then you're driving around like some whirring blades at ground level while there's like an electric cord. Yeah. Yeah, you just don't... You just don't run over the cord. You don't run over the cord. Oh, it's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, you just don't... You just don't run over the cord. You don't run over the cord.

Oh, it's pretty good. Yeah. That was kind of like the main thing that you didn't do when you were... Run over the... An electric lawnmower. Oh, you ever go over some dog shit with the lawnmower? I think, yeah. I've done that.

Yeah? What was your experience? Oh, it sprayed all over my shins. Really? Yeah, it was horrible. You didn't have like a guard or something like that? A catcher? Yeah.

No, that always fills up. You take that off. No, but, yeah, but it feels like, isn't there something to stop like stones and stuff like that from flicking up and hitting you? Not at all, no. No, no, no. This Victor lawnmower seems like almost like the worst invention ever made. You spend all your time struggling with it because it's so complicated. But it's Australian.

Yeah, I know. We invented it. How Aussie is that? We made something shit and then we refused to stop using it. Totally. That's everything about Australia. Look, this is the way we do it, okay? Our government, our system of democracy doesn't work.

The Senate's fucked, all right? But we invented it this way, and this is the way we're going to do it. It's the Australian way. Do you think that these struggles of man against lawnmower in some way prepare us for life and death, you know, and the futility of existence and just how achieving anything is almost impossible you've got to work so it's like a it's like a career you've got to work so hard to get there

and then when you do get there it's a fucking chore you know it's like for somebody who wants to be a writer or something like that and they yeah they keep sending in manuscripts manuscripts right and they just they struggle to just write these goddamn manuscripts manuscripts yeah and then uh they send it in and then it gets rejected right and then and that's just like that's boom boom boom boom boom boom yeah you know and that and just that that that that like that deflation right that's like that's the feeling that you get you know you get back over you get back a rejection and all that you know and so then you send out you write another manuscript manuscript yeah and then you send it

off and then you get it back, and another rejection. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Right? And you're prepared for it because you've lived in Australia, and you've used a Victor lawnmower. Yes.

You know, and so I think in many ways, yeah, it builds sort of like a resilience within people. Resilience. Resilience. Manuscripts. Manuscripts. Manuscripts. But I still don't understand how it's a sketch. I think maybe like someone analyzing it.

I mean, analyzing things, that's not a fun sketch though, is it? Maybe like some sort of course, some kind of anger management course or something where you have to go and you just have to you know deal with a lawnmower so you go it's an anger management course right and there's a bunch of it's a big group one yep right and it goes to the first person um and their anger problem is drinking related uh second person their anger problem is lawnmower related victor lawnmower yeah the second third person is victor lawnmower related yeah the fourth person is um victor lawnmower related and then they go wow three people out of four it's victor lawnmower related and then the first guy

was up and he said the reason i drink is because of my lawnmower related and the first guy said the reason I drink is because of my lawnmower yeah yeah I think that's definitely the motor's flooded and so am I flooded with alcohol I stink of it you can tell that I've pressed that button too many times so why does it get all the sauce I stink take it. I would like to see maybe like the part of the anger management course in which they try and reconcile people

with the lawnmower. So they bring in a lawnmower and they take turns. Exposure therapy? Yeah. And instantly they're just furious. Just,

and then they slowly bring them in and like, first they just get them to stand in the room with it. Yeah. Right? And then secondly they kind of bring it up close and they go look it's not it's fine and then they sort of they get them to touch it they get them to sort of hold the little

little plastic knob thing at the end of the rope and they pull it nothing happens and they fly into a rush throw it out a window yeah then they. Yeah. Then they just drag it out slowly, just pull it back in, and they go, okay, no, yeah, and then they pull it, and they just flip out. It's kind of weird.

I never said we were going to be able to fix you in one day. I like us seeing them from the other side of the, like the two-way mirror thing, where the people say, yeah, they're not ready, or it's going to be a long process.

Yeah, we knew. We knew when we started this. Yeah. It was going to be a very difficult task. You just don't get rid of that kind of anger, that kind of time wastage. Because that's all time you don't get back in your life, which is true for all time in your life. Time. Yeah.

You don't get it back. Yeah. Every second. for all time in your life. Time? Yeah. You don't get it back? Yeah. Every second? In many ways, it's silly to claim that you even had it because the way that it just runs through your fingers so quickly. That's true.

You can't have time, man. It's so fun whenever you say something and you realise it's stupid to then put it in the voice of a hippie and say, oh, look at this idiot saying this thing even though it was just you who just said it. Yeah, absolutely. It's so nice to be able to look at some other idiot

saying it for a while. I mean, I know I just said something dumb, but imagine if that was said by someone stereotypically dumb. Yeah. Somebody we can laugh at. Yeah. You can't laugh at me. I'm too respectable.

Well, I'm just too normal. I mean, you can definitely laugh at me. I'm an idiot. But you can't laugh enough at me. I can't laugh at the concept of you. But I'm too real. Exactly. Is that what you said before?

I don't know. Well, I feel like maybe I'm too real. Like, you can feel my fragileness. Yeah. Your fragility. Fragility. No one ever talks about the hippies, how fragile they were. No.

They were a resilient people. Resilient. And they are the ones who started Silicon Valley. Really? I think like guys like Steve Jobs, they like lived on communes and stuff before that. Oh, yeah. Oh, the hippies. The ones that, yeah.

The commune is sort of like, the cloud is kind of like the commune of data Well that's what he was doing Just trying to recreate the commune You don't know this but all the data That's up in the cloud, all naked All naked, all fucking All partner swapping And cooking together

How great are water slides? Yeah It's strange that they're a thing that exists. I haven't been on a water slide in so long. So long, Alistair. And it used to be one of the things that just filled me with the most joy. Well, I remember one time I would drive past this water slide place. And they had like this tap that just seemed to hover.

And then it just had a fountain of water. And I never understood. And they had like this tap that just seemed to hover, you know? And then it just had a fountain of water. And I never understood. My aunt and uncle and all that, they were like, you know, that's a ride, right? You go climb up into the tap. And then these people just fall out of the tap. That was the ride. You just go into the tap and then you just fall out the tap hole, right?

And then when I got there, it wasn't. It was just a water feature. They were fucking with me. You wanted to fall out of the tap hole. Well, I don't know. To me, it actually seemed kind of scary. It's just a drop. Not even a water slide, just drop you into it. Yeah, you just fall with water.

Yeah, experience what it's like to come out of a tap. Yeah, but it's also strange that some of the water slides were the ones that you would ride on in a log. Like a fake log. Yeah, like a flume ride. Is that a flume ride? Maybe. Yeah, those are no good.

No? No, you want to be in amongst it. Oh, yeah, but I went on one of those that was pretty good. Okay, I take it back. I've never been on one of those. You fall a fair way. So I dismissed it out of hand. But what's the best water slide? The best water slide that I've been on, in terms of So I dismissed it out of hand. What's the best water slide?

The best water slide that I've been on, in terms of the one that I remember the most, probably the most scary, was one called the Twister at Wet n' Wild. And it's completely enclosed, right? And there are actually two water slides that sort of wrap around each other and go down like a helix.

That was amazing. Why? Because it was just like such an intense experience. Because you're just going really fast. Really fast. You can't see anything. It's all dark. You're going up and down and then like around and then you come out into the water.

You're like, whoa! You know? Yeah. Like, it's like life. It's like being born again. It's like being born again. It's like having a Victor Lawnmower start. Just the emotional rollercoaster that is...

The emotional water slide that is going on that water slide. Man. That's true. Why is it not like a water slide? Can we do something about an emotional rollercoaster? It's just a rollercoaster that's really temperamental. It's just like... It's pretty grumpy in the morning.

Yeah. We can't do anything about that. Let's move on. It might be a good character in a Thomas the Tank Engine story. Absolutely. You know, there were no roller coasters. There were no roller coasters. Maybe Thomas the Tank Engine should have gone on holiday to Disneyland.

Absolutely. You see, that could have been some great cross promotion. Cross promotion. For Thomas the Tank Engine and for Disneyland. That could have been some great cross-promotion. Cross-promotion. For Thomas the Tank Engine and for Disneyland. But I think the reason why there was never any roller coasters in Thomas the Tank Engine is because the trolleys or whatever you get in.

What would you call that? Trolley. The trolley? I call it a trolley. Carriage? Yeah, carriage. I never thought of the word. Or maybe it's the coaster.

A roller coaster? Yeah, all right. No, no, no. Let's just go with the trolley or the carriage. Anyway, the carriage you're in isn't self-propelled, so it couldn't possibly be conscious. It would actually be the roller coaster itself that would be conscious. The tracks and that. And in Thomas the Tank Engine, the tracks aren't alive.

Also, though, Thomas the Tank Engine, that's kind of his job. So he probably wouldn't enjoy a roller coaster. Maybe. But I mean, going up and down and around and all that. It's kind of his job. I know, but... Only more so. He never loops the loops. He doesn't.

And he never has to do it just like where he doesn't have to put in any effort. Why's it called a loop the loop? Let's move on. I don't want to answer that question. I think it's got something to do with the loop. Okay. Water slides. Yep. Right? That thing at the top, you know, all to do with the loop. Okay. Water slides. Yep.

Right? That thing at the top, you know, all the stuff with the queues and the kids and all that kind of thing. Yeah. Is there a sketch in that somewhere? Well, this is the thought that entered my mind. Yeah. Okay. It's, for some reason I thought gravy slide, right?

And it's a theme park, a water theme park that is that is sort of like uh sunday night roast themed yep and you go there and it's got a gravy slide uh it's kind of instead of a ball pit it's kind of got a like a like a roast potato pit great uh you know instead of uh instead of sort of like uh the meat yep uh it's got no way no it's got surfboards. No, wait, no. It's got meat. So, yeah. Oh, look. Yeah, it's got surfboard. Oh, you can, yeah.

There's other slides that you can ride on meat. The gravy boat is an actual boat. Yes, also gravy boats. All right. This is not a sketch. No, but it's a funny idea.

I like it. You know, the thing about the chocolate fountains that you have at, like, weddings? Yeah. I want a gravy water slide to go along with that. But back to the emotional roller coaster thing.

You could go to a theme park and there's a ride called the emotional roller coaster. And you just go there and they tell you, we're really sorry, the roller coaster is closed. You have to wait in line. Yeah, you wait in line and then they say, sorry, the roller coaster is closed. You have to wait in line. Yeah, you wait in line and then they say, sorry, the roller coaster is closed. And then just as everyone's turning around in despair, they're like, oh no, it's back on again. And then as you get in, they go, oh, wait.

There's too many people. We're not going to be able to... Yeah. Somebody's going to have to miss out. We found another carriage. I think that's fun. And then that's the entire ride. Okay. I'm writing down emotional roller coasters.

By the time everybody's sitting in the roller coaster, the ride's already over. That's the end. They go, Bing! Thanks for riding. Thanks for riding. And then somebody says,

Oh, that was a bit of a disappointment. You go, Absolutely. We've done our job. Absolutely. Well, we've got to let you down gently. You don't want to end on a high. Everyone would fall down.

That's right. You'd be left with all that potential emotional energy. Emotional potential energy. Yeah, emotional potential energy. You don't want to be left up too high. You've got somewhere to crash down from. It's true. It's a good point.

You should let people down gently. Yeah, after I went bungee jumping, I got quite depressed that day. you got somewhere to crash down from. It's true. Yeah. It's a good point. You should let people down gently. Yeah. After I went bungee jumping, I got quite depressed that day. Really? Yeah. And I also had a bit of pressure behind my eyes.

But also I was like, whoa, I feel kind of weird and sad now. That's really strange. Like not right after, but later that day. I wonder, I mean people who hit their heads, but later that day. I mean, people who hit their heads get sad a lot of the time. Not just because of the pain of hitting your head. Well, I knew a guy who had a serious head injury.

I think he was in China and he was drunk and he fell and he hit his head against a wall or whatever. And he was saying that apparently people who have really bad head injuries, there's different ways that you recover from it. I think it's a very like, it's quite a horrible thing and it's a long process of recovery and stuff. And he said some people get really angry. Yep. Some people get cry a lot. And he said some people laugh a lot. Yeah.

And he said he got the laughing a lot. Wow. And he said in the hospital he would be walking around and there'd just be this one guy who'd be in a wheelchair or something like that that he just kept locking eyes with

and they just couldn't stop laughing. Both of them? Yeah, they would just, as soon as they started locking eyes they would just

start laughing. And so it would just take off and then it would just be uncontrollable and you'd have to like separate them because you just

can't have these two people These guys are laughing at each other. Break it up other Break it up Break it up guys Could there be a thing

With people Like In the same way that Like bar fights Bouncers have to come in And break up bar fights Could there be something Where like

Two guys are just getting along Too well At a pub Sorry guys Like what It's like It's like a bar Where you're only supposed to sort of make temporary personal connections.

Yeah. It's an acquaintances bar. Guys are getting along really well. And their friends are trying to hold them back from... Hold me back! Hugging? Hugging? Oh, I break it up, break it up.

Like, they got a really... Maybe they're really shouting at each other. Like, the energy's really high and they're really angry, but they're really... Well, they seem angry, but they're really friendly. They're really getting along so well. What did you say? I completely agree.

I completely agree. I completely agree! It's like they have a posse that doesn't protect them, but they're really protective and they don't want to lose their friend to somebody else who they get along with, so in a way they're quite jealous. But I think that maybe the

guys themselves also, like when you're about to get into a fight and you're like, hold me back. It's the same thing where they're about to hug, but they're like, hold me back. Hold me back. I'm about to hug this guy. Hold me back.

Oh, you're lucky, buddy. You're lucky. I was going to hug you so hard you were going to make a noise. Yeah. You'd go. Your back was going to crack. Yeah, but then later on, they catch up with each other outside the pub. Like one guy's walking to his car.

Yeah. And the other guy... Just runs up and just grabs him. He goes, ah, it's so good! And the other one goes, yeah, I've been wanting to do this all night. And they exchange email addresses. Yeah, yeah. It's great.

And then they organize, I'll see you somewhere in such and such. 9 a.m., you better be there. I won't be there. I'll be there. Yeah, I will be there. I'm looking forward to it. Me too. Yeah. I'm really looking forward be there. I'll be there. Yeah. I will be there. I'm looking forward to it. Me too. Yeah.

I'm really looking forward to it. I'm going to write it down. Angry friends. Angry. Angry bar friends. Angry. Like sounding. But.

Getting along so well. Like. Maybe it starts where one person. Bumps into somebody else. Makes them. Not spill their drink. What would be the opposite of that? It's got to start small. It's got to start with a small...

No, bless you. Bless you. Pardon my little heart. Yeah. Look, I think that's a fun idea. Look, I think that's fine. We've gone for long enough today. I don't know if any of these could be in the show, Alistair.

Maybe the emotional rollercoaster? The emotional rollercoaster. Yeah, that's true. That could be in the show. That's easy to perform on stage. And the anger management class? I think you could do that quite easy. Yeah. Both of those. They're in the show. Come along tomorrow night and see them.

Yeah. Totally. Oh yeah. It starts tomorrow night. So guys look. Do you want to just run through the

sketches real quick? All right. We got a small town gets a pool and it's a pool of vomit Olympic sized. And look I think this is doable.

It could be like you know it's a country town and then one guy's visiting the town and the guy goes, oh, well I could show you the pool. And then he takes it. We just got a pool recently. And he goes, there it is. What that? That pool of vomit. Yeah, it's Olympic

sized. They measured it. Apparently it's exactly the same size as Michael Phelps would have vomited up. Would have gone the vom. Number two, I think that could also be in the sketch. Yeah. Great. It's all in the show. We've got two as an advertising agency trying to market the wheel. Number three is anger management class where the first person is there for drinking. And then the next three are there because of Victor Lawnmowers. It's making them angry.

The wheel. It'll revolutionize your life. Yeah. Catchy. Come on. The wheel. A revolution in transport. Yeah.

A revolution in transport. It's beautiful. Thank you. Andy, you and I, I think, unionize. You and I could be copywriters together. Yeah.

You know, I'll be the eloquent one. Clearly I'm not qualified. And you can come up with funny things. I'll be the elephant one. Yeah, you can be the elephant one.

The elephant man. Yeah. The eloquent man. I was an eloquent man. No. I am not an animal. I am an eloquent man. David Lynch presents The Eloquent man. I was an eloquent man. No. I am not an animal. I am an eloquent man. David Lynch presents the eloquent man.

I stand before you today. With a sheet over my face. To disguise the beauty of my words. The beauty of my eloquent moving mouth. Eloquent moving mouse, you said. Yeah, I know. Four is emotional rollercoaster. And number five is angry sounding, but getting along so well, friends in a bar.

Beautiful. New friends. New friends. Okay, so. Come to the sketch show. Come to the sketch show Come to the sketch show Come to the other shows that we're doing String Theory

Yeah, which is Andy's show It's at 9.30 at ACMI Yep For the first half of the festival And look, it's highly acclaimed It was done at Melbourne Fringe And it was highly acclaimed Somebody said it was their pick of the fringe

Pick of the fringe, guys Alright, come and see my show It's called, it's my solo show as well. It's called Success Arms. It'll be highly acclaimed. It'll be highly acclaimed. People will say it was their favourite show of the Fringe. Because they're idiots, because it's a comedy festival.

Anyway, and that one's at 9.45 at the Forum for the whole length of the festival. On Monday nights I'm doing the World Records show at the Town Hall with Dave Warnocki and Adam Knox. And on Friday night and Saturday night at 12.30 a.m., so at midnight 30, me and my friend Pat Bircher are doing a late night variety show

and kind of loose sketch thing called Soul Bank and it's crazy and you should get down there. It's really great. You should. And there's also other acts on. So, also don't forget to in the think tank

the show. This is the only time we've ever promoted anything on this podcast. And it's the 40th episode. So we've done good. That's 40 hours. With no plugs. With no plugs. You could have done a famine 40 hour famine for the poor people. Yep.

And just eaten nothing but barley sugars whilst listening to all of this. There you go. Yeah, you could have done a sleep famine as well. You would have had to if you had listened to all of them. Because it's so interesting. All right. Okay. So, here we go Thanks for listening guys