Two In The Think Tank - 381 - "DISEASE THAT MAKES YOU KISSABLE"

Episode Date: May 14, 2023

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Lasagna, frittata, cannelloni pasta. Lasagna, frittata, cannelloni pasta. Hello and welcome to Two in the Big Tech. Cannelloni pasta. Yeah, frittata. Cannelloni mate, pasta. Hello and welcome to Two in the Tick-Tack, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy.

And I remain. Alistair George Williams from Leigh Burchill. Isn't it interesting that when you're sick, you know, and you get that husky voice, that's a little bit sexier, a bit more attractive. But when you're sick and any other part of your body is diseased, you know, if you've got that, you know, because it's because you've got that mucus in your throat.

But if you've got mucus in any other part of your body, that's considered very unattractive. But do you think that maybe the disease does that? The disease gives you the husky voice as a way of getting people to kiss you. That would be really interesting if that was part of the replicating strategy. And then there would be this evolutionary pressure for diseases to make you more and more kissable.

pressure for diseases to make you more and more kissable. Yeah. That would certainly make the new strands of COVID when they were coming out, when they were announcing the new ways in which this one makes you absolutely irresistible. I'm wanting to kiss. This is Dan Andrews. Now, I'm going to want to kiss kiss you and i want you to lock away yourselves your daughters your sons and you're gonna want to kiss me any official if i get it

and that would be terrible as well and what a scoop for the disease it would be to get dan andrews because he was doing those daily presses. We'd all be seeing him in those press conferences getting more and more sexy as the disease took hold. People lunging at him trying to kiss him live on live TV. Victorians, the people of Victoria lining up. Security guards shooting them as they're mid-air. As they leap. Lips first. as they're mid-air. As they leap. Lips first.

Shooting them right in the lips. Completely disabling them. Shoot the lips. Shoot out the lips. Shoot out his lips. Put those lips down. Put the lips down. Put the lips down. Put the lips down on the ground.

Take your lips where I can see them. Oh, yes. I think that's funny, Alistair. I think it's sexy COVID. I think it's a great, we could do a, you know, people love to do a porn parody of an existing film. Yeah. What about a porn parody of an existing disease?

Yeah. Of an existing pandemic. Porn- porn parody of an existing disease? Of an existing pandemic. Porn-demic, we'll call it. Sexy COVID. Or? You know what, I've written COVID with an E. So it's COVID. COVID. You know, like it's French.

Oh, that's nice. That would be a great title for this softcore porno um kovid yeah it does sound sexy a bit european you know did you ever see that thing where they would sometimes um because i never bought like a porn dvd or whatever but i did live with a guy who did and wow and he had a few that were like european and somebody had redone the voices had dubbed the voices into english but not just the voices. Also, like, not just the speaking voices, also the moaning and everything. Like, really, that would have been the perfect job for an impersonator, somebody who could mimic voices, you know, so that they didn't have to, like...

But I guess they were like, no, no, no, we're doing it all. We're going to keep it consistent. It'll be easier. You can just go, oh, yeah. Yes, that is good. Now, look, I don't know what the budget is like on these porn redubs, right? But maybe it's just a question of like, look look we're going to get you in and i don't want to have to do any fucking editing any chopping this up to put the voice here and then the the

moaning there and then matching the levels and stuff we're going to do this all in one take you're going to do the whole thing and i'm going to need you to do the sound effects as well of the of the genitals oh yeah because you don't have to use any. Doing it all live. So we're going to give you like a bowl of pudding and Is it a bowl of peas? I said a bowl of pudding. A bowl of pudding. A bowl of pudding

and a banana. And another bowl of pudding. And you just do, you just match up. You just go to work on that pudding. Sex Foley? Sex Foley. Yeah.

How do you spell Foley? F-O-L-E-Y? E-Y. Yeah. It must exist. It must exist. Yeah, but I think that's a fun sketch sure i want it we only got one take you know when you still punch a lettuce is that what they do hit a lettuce slap

a lettuce anyone sorry about my dog everybody is that an eagle? Yeah, it must be. It must be a night eagle. Banjo. Banjo. Stop it. Stop it. No. It's crazy when the joy of your life like that starts acting out.

Oh, the joy of my life. Yeah. No, he makes everything so good and easy all the time it must leave you with such a conflicting feeling about a dog that you love with so much of your heart

suddenly acts out in such a way that your life is contrary to your actual regular feelings you know yeah it's amazing how well you've described my situation vis-a-vis this dog sex foley great now before we started the podcast alistair you were we were talking about babies smiling yeah and i was thinking that thing about have, have you had this where you're like,

oh, he started smiling and then people say, well, you know, that's just gas when they do that. You're like, oh, okay, cool, thanks, thanks a lot. You know, being a parent of a very young child is very difficult. One of the small rays of light is the child smiling. It's great that you're able to tell me that that's just a gastrointestinal effect that I shouldn't derive any joy from that. And indeed, I should go back through my memories of the joy that I've already derived from that

and out of a sense of moral obligation, erase that from my consciousness. And then just the knowledge that some smiles could be gas. Should I just erase all smile joy from my life? You never know. You never know when a smile is actually just gas. You know, are you – is that a, what's that saying? Is that a something in your pocket? Or are you pleased to see?

Is that a gun in your pocket? Or is that a bag of gas in your pocket? Or do you just have gas? Is it just a... Is that a helium balloon in your pocket? Or are you just pleased to see me? Is that a, Or is that a... What's the metal gas canister?

A metal gas canister? Is that a natural gas canister? All forms of happiness, it turns out, are an illusion. It's sort of gas-based butt puppetry, isn't it? I just think the people who feel the need to tell you that. Andy, it's sort of gas-based butt puppetry, isn't it? Gas-based butt puppetry? Yeah.

Is that what you said? Yes, gas-based butt puppetry. Yeah. Is that what you said? Yes, gas-based puppetry. It's your butt puppeteering with using gas to puppeteer your face. Ah. Now, we know that methane can make the face smile in the butt now.

Yes, we do. Could you put a little bit of NOS in there and create a frown? NOS. Is it all the gases? Each gas has its own emotion. Get some argon. Neon. Argon. I was going for a noble gas as well.

That's to give you a noble look on your face. Well, I think they're some of the most prominent gases. Well, you can't say gases without saying asses. No, that's another good point. Yes. Assess. I assess asses. I assess asses? Assess and assess arses I assess arses Assess

You can't say I assess arse assassinations Without saying arse Four times Four times That's something I maintain I've always maintained that I've always maintained it

And the cost of the maintenance is really starting to wear me down It is ruining me I maintain. I've always maintained that. I've always maintained it. I'm continuing to maintain it. And the cost of the maintenance is really starting to wear me down. It is ruining me. But it's also, I might have already said this on the podcast, but it's also like the people who say, your dog doesn't really love you, right? It's just because you feed your dog, right, and you look after it and you do stuff for it. If you stopped feeding the dog and treating it well, it and you and you you know do stuff for it if you stopped feeding the

dog and treating it well it wouldn't love you anymore are you like well yes yes your friends don't really love you it's because you have fun with them and yeah it's just because you're nice to them it's only because you spend time with them that it's enjoyable. And you exchange stories. They allow you to let out some of your problems and you their problems. It's not real. It's not real. If you stopped doing all those things. Yes.

You'll realise that actually your friends are very selfish in that they won't reciprocate feelings towards you if you act mean towards them. If you withhold any love from them. People are insane. Is that a sketch in some way? Yeah, I think so. If you withhold People are insane. Is that a sketch in some way? Yeah, I think so. I think if you- Yeah, it's good.

You withhold kindness in good times. Affection. From friends. Intimacy. You realise. Honesty Did you say a policy? Oh yeah, a policy If you withhold a policy

I'm withholding my policy Honesty Honesty is the best policy They do say that So is that the policy that you're withholding? Yes, correct. This guy is – sorry, I dropped my phone. One second.

Hang on. Can we get back up? It's apparently very – What happened, Alistair? Did you have a very precarious recording set up that seems to – do you like to balance things on top of things over there? It does seem that things are very often becoming unplugged or knocked off or lost. Yes, a lot of that.

A lot of that, Andy. This is my – Oh, it's time to be real. Right, this is my new character. Yeah. Right, this is my new character yeah right this is my new character my new character is i'm the guy who developed bluetooth yeah and i'm i i was responsible for inventing the technology that allows your bluetooth headphones to connect to the device that is the furthest away from you

in the house instead of the one that, say, is right near you that you're holding in your hand. So, you know, it wasn't very easy to develop this technology. But you know how, like, you might have connected your headphones to your laptop or your iPad, right, once, okay? But at the moment, your iPad is closed and it's in your backpack, right, 20 metres away down the other end of the house. You've got your phone out, right, in your hand.

You've just turned on Bluetooth on your phone, okay? You're holding in your hand there and you've got the music app open, okay? And you turn on your headphones. I'm the guy who invented the technology to allow it to detect the which one's closer and to connect it to the to the ipad so that you've got to then go and get the ipad and open it up and turn off bluetooth on there before you're able to reconnect it to your headphones yes so that's what i do yeah i mean there's probably there probably is a bit of a bit of software in there that might be doing that for some reason that you don't quite understand,

like a prioritising kind of thing. Yes, of course there's a reason, Alistair. Of course there's a reason. No, I think it, I suspect it's probably the one I'm most recently connected to or something like that. But it's still very frustrating. And I think they should change the system, whatever it is, to make it proximity-based.

Could you stop using your Bluetooth headphones with other things other than your phone? Alistair, I didn't bring this to you for you to offer me sensible suggestions. No, no, but I mean, just, why don't you change your behaviour? And make it better. You forget, Alistair, that I'm in character as the guy who invented this technology, so I'm not going to do any of those things because I think it's good when it connects to the most distant device. Well, could that guy change his behaviour?

Isn't that what you're asking? So do you want me to pass on a message to him? Yeah, if that's okay. Now I'm Andy again. Okay. But I can't talk directly to the other guy because he's also- Because you're both of them. We occupy the same body.

I can't be him simultaneously. He can't hear it if you're him saying it. He can't hear it when I'm me. He can't hear me because he doesn't control the ears when I'm me. That's right. All right. So I'm going to turn into him again and you'll tell from the change in my voice. All right.

That sounds good. Here I am. It's me. I'm the guy who invented that thing about Bluetooth. Hello, guy who invented the Bluetooth thing. Sorry, I blacked out for a second. That's okay. You're in a bit of a nutty professor kind of problem.

And the guy who is also you was wondering if maybe you could change your behavior. Is that what? wait, wait. Can you change back into the other guy so I can ask Andy something? Yeah. Hello. It's me, Andy, again. This is Andy? So this isn't the other guy saying he's Andy?

No, I wouldn't do that. Okay. I'm very honest. Honesty is the best policy. Yes. Now, Andy, what did you want me to say to the guy? You wanted policy yes now andy did you what did you want me to say to the guy you want me to say to change his behavior or did you want me to say well um to to change his bluetooth technology so that it connects to the one that you always want to so

somehow it reads your mind look i mean to be honest uh alistair i i don't think i came into this looking for solutions i think i just wanted an opportunity to express my feelings. So, if you could just… So, in many ways, he's given you a gift. I don't think I… Do you want me to go… What's that? He's given you a gift of the opportunity of being, you know, of self-expression.

That's right. And he's given me the gift of having something mundane to complain about. Do you want me to… It's become the framework of my life. Do you want me to tell him thank you from you? Yeah, that's what I want. Okay, here I am. I'm the Bluetooth guy again.

Hello, Bluetooth guy. Are you there? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. It's me, Alistair. I'm again speaking for Andy, who is the other persona who resides within your body. I'm again speaking for Andy, who is the other persona who resides within your body.

And he wanted to say thank you for all the Bluetooth designs that you've made and the way in which they have helped him express himself more easily in a way that is complaining. Thank you very much. That's why I got into this business. To you very much. That's why I got into this business. To make people complain. Yes. That is actually why you got into this business. Yeah, that's right. I wanted to give people, you know, I believe that if we can have minor frustrations that allow us to vent our energy and our irate feelings.

So these are frustrations about minors and their venting of energy. That's right. That's right. Small things. Sort of like coal. Coal seam gas. Coal seam gas. Cracking.

Yeah. Okay. And, of course, minors, M-I-N-O-R-S, meaning young people, and their vending of energy, and by that I mean farting, which causes them to smile, because we all know that's the only source of emotion. I don't know if that does a real smile. I mean, Bluetooth D.

Yeah, yeah. It'd be great if it went the other way as well, you know, and you thought somebody was farting a lot, but it turned out that they were just smiling. They were just happy. Yeah, those aren't real farts. That's not really a fart. He's just happy. He's just doing that to enjoy himself. Yes. He's just getting some joy. A modicon a modicum a modicum m-o-d-i-c-u-m where it's like a mode like a m-o-d-e

con um i i have no idea what it is i I mean, Alamodacon. That's a little piece of, a little image of ice cream, scoop of ice cream that you could put next to other things. That's Alamodacon. Alamode. Alamode. Alamodacon. Alamode. Now, that means served with ice cream is that right i think so i think i saw that recently you have like a piece of pie a la mode

it's a very fancy way of saying it isn't with ice cream there yeah and it probably means i imagine it translates in god that dog i love so much. I have such a good relationship with it. It makes everything easier and better in my life, especially now that we've recently had some earthworks done in our place. There's a lot of exposed dirt and it's just deranged. So there's now a lot of the dog's always getting dirty. And now every time it comes into the house, you have to either wash its feet or mop the floor.

And that's another great thing. Yeah, that's good, isn't it? I mean, you know, when you love something, the opportunity to do more things with it is a gift. Oh, yeah, you're right. That's a welcome. Yeah. That's very welcome.

I'm just going to go and get the dog, Alistair. I can still hear you, but I'm going to put down the microphone for a second. So, Alamode means, especially in North America, with ice cream. But it's a French expression that means to be in fashion, you know, up to date, you know, in a fashionable or modern style. As is, I guess, you you know eating something with ice cream nothing feels like more now you know it brings you into the now than a scoop of ice cream to go with whatever you're having well i mean i think this gives me an idea for the future of fashion because we're in the world of fast fashion alistair and you know clothes that there's no faster fashion than a fashion that can melt exactly right i'm glad

you're with me on this is where you were going there's no faster fashion then yes and this is a perfect maybe not perfect i was gonna say this is a perfect application for our room temperature ice cream idea yeah but no that's not going to work because actually room temperature ice cream wouldn't melt so it'd be the same it wouldn't achieve what we want it still has to be cold ice cream that can melt but you can also turn it into clothes. And what's great about that is that there's none of that buildup of waste or whatever. You can just, it just runs down the gutters and then you put on a new ice cream. And it just runs into the oceans. Liquid clothes.

Exactly. Exactly. And it would finally give fish an opportunity to wear clothes. Finally. Finally. I wonder, are there any fish that wear clothes? That's a great question. That is a great question.

A great thing to investigate. Okay, let's name some fish. Okay, sharks. Now, there's that... There's that... Sharks look like they would wear a vest. Yeah. Yeah, I completely see it.

But there's that octopus that hides in a coconut. Yes. And there are crabs that I believe have seaweed on their backs. Yes, both of Andy's suggestions have been so fish-like. Alistair, I am homing in on it. Okay? I am triangulating the position. I didn't know, Andy.

I feel like I'm getting closer to fish. I didn't know you were trying to get close to fish. I just thought you were shooting for the board and hitting the wall. I'm finding my range. I didn't know this was something you were improving, Andy. I thought that you just didn't have the skills to hit the mark. And I was trying to help you. Remember, Andy, the board is over here.

Fish. Yes. They're kind of long. They have fins. Yes, you've hit the water very good but the ocean is big andy yes all right obviously i have i wonder if the sea level would go down if you ate all the if you pulled out all the fish it would have to you think there's a chance that we go up if you pulled out all the fish. It would have to.

Do you think there's a chance it would go up? I guess not. Yeah. Because, like, I mean, I guess we don't know what the side effects would be of all the fish being gone. Do the fish do anything that might cause water to leave the ocean? You know, I mean, whales do do a lot of splashing. Yeah. A lot of the splashing would probably get absorbed by the dirt, you know, I mean, whales do do a lot of splashing. Yeah. A lot of the splashing will probably get absorbed by the dirt, you know.

Yeah. But they're not fish. And, you know, I've noticed that when my children are splashing in the bath, the water ends up out of the bath. Does the splashing of the whales cause the water to end up out of the ocean? Yeah. We don't know. You know, and they got, there's a lot of fish, you know, and if they're, if that means a lot of splashing.

And let's just, let's just do a bit of a guesstimation. If each fish, let's say there's two billion fish. Okay. That's a great estimate, by the way. And each one of them over. This is is gonna be really good for my guesty mates show i'm gonna have a thing around you have to guess how many fish are there in the ocean two billion is is way too so per year way too so per So per year. Way too low. So per year, they each splash out, maybe, would you say, a cup of water out of the ocean. Right?

That seems conservative, doesn't it? That's two billion cups of water a year. Now, a cup, that's a quarter of a litre. So, let's say that's 500 million litres a year. What is that? That's 500 gigalitres? No, it's half a gigalitre. Half a gigalitre?

So, that's, it probably would go up. It's half a gigaliter. Half a gigaliter. So that's, it probably would go up. It's not nothing. It's not nothing. It's not nothing. I mean, it's probably more than two billion fish. Well, no, now you just need to ask yourself, does the fish, is the volume of a fish- Bigger than- Greater or lesser than a cup.

And I say, probably. On average, it is. But then you've got to think about all the splashing you would do trying to get the fish out. I didn't account for that. See, this is why all these things are so difficult to estimate. This is why. Science.

You see, I've made a huge mistake in my calculations. I didn't account. You know? And then also all of the water that gets absorbed. This is what, by the way, this is what all modeling is. This is what all... It's exactly what it is. Okay.

But then you've got gotta think about all the clothes like all the water that's absorbed by the clothes of the people who were catching all the fish to take them out that's true this is gonna point maybe everybody's gonna have to be involved so how many people would you say there are let's say there's a 100 million people in the world. That seems like a lot. This is... That might not be exactly accurate.

It's a nice easy number to multiply. So let's say it is. Give or take, you know, three or four people. Man, a hundred million people in the world, that still sounds like a fuckload, doesn't it? It is a lot of people. In a way, that feels like a lot more than 8 billion. 100 million. We could hate.

Fucking hell. Yeah. I don't really know. I can't get my head around how big a billion is. And people do diagrams and stuff to try and help wouldn't finish getting to a billion until after the sun runs out of gas or something. Is that true? I'd be like, I still don't know.

I just made that up. I know, but they don't know how fast I'm doing it. They go, 100,000,255,600,000,255,700,000,257,800. You're not going to tell me that's going to take that long. Is that what you think counting is? Yeah, that's counting. 1 billion, 255, 6. Yeah.

What number is that? 1 billion, 255, 6. That's not a number, Al. There's a six at the end. I've developed a new counting system to get myself there before. Well, why didn't you say? But you understood what it meant. Why didn't you say that?

I don't think I do. I think if you asked me to write down 1,255,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 55.6. Is that what I said? You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region.

See app for details. Yeah, that's what you said. It does seem more insane right now. Let's write it down, though. So we're trying to write down what that number looks like. Fucking hell, I put the dog down. And he's just... Okay, one billion. One.

One. Hang on. I'm going to have to erase. I don't have to erase it, Andy. It's really difficult. One billion. 255. Okay, and we're going to read them out. We're going to read them out at the same time, starting from the-

Are we reading out all the digits that we've written down? All the digits we've written down from the left side to the right side. Okay, here we go. One. Ready? One, zero. Wait, you did right. Zero. Okay one zero wait you did right okay let's do it together are we reading them out simultaneously okay three two one two one one one zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero two five five five slash six Zero. Zero. Zero. Zero. Zero. Zero. Two. Five. Five.

Five. Slash. Six. This is one of the most bizarre and I've got to say probably bad bits of content we've ever committed to. To indelible digital okay so look ad i've developed a way of counting up to a billion that won't take all the way until when the sun explodes it's where you combine some of the ones together you go oh look, that's actually two of them. But, Alistair, I mean, the number there, for a start, and I hate to say it, the number's higher than a billion. No.

So, if you're trying to make counting to a billion faster, why? I think I... How could that possibly be achieved by including a number that is beyond a billion? I think initially I must have said like a hundred million or something like that. But I think that you heard a billion and then I went with... You didn't, Alistair. You didn't. I went with yours.

You didn't. No, you didn't. Well, I'm trying to count to 10 billion before the sun explodes. Some of us, you know, shoot for the moon. I still don't think this helps. You know that thing, shoot for the moon. I still don't think this helps. You know that thing, shoot for the moon and you might make it among the stars? Yeah.

If you miss, you'll be among the stars, but you'll be really far away from the stars as well. Yeah. Yeah, no. Shoot for the moon and if you miss, you'll float endlessly. Endlessly. in the cold nothingness you'll actually miss forever yeah you could you're gonna miss the stars as well you're not gonna

yeah you're not like among the stars is not actually on a star and even being on a star is not that good no well i'd argue we're more among the stars right now. Yeah. Before you've done anything. I would say stay, just stay on Earth. Don't shoot for the moon. Stay on Earth. Yeah. Yeah.

Shoot for whatever's closest to you. You know, shoot for the fork. And if you miss, you can just pick it up with your hands. Shoot for the stars. Even if you miss, you'll crash into the moon. You'll explode on the surface of the moon. With all those,

but then you'll have tardigrades as friends. Tardigrades. Remember that? I would love a, I would love a, you know, I want a,

I want a fruit-sized bacteria. A fruit? And I would love a, you know, I want a fruit-sized bacteria. A fruit? And I would love a dog-sized tardigrade. I would love to be able to. Because they look adorable. I would like a fruit-sized tardigrade that you just open up and there's like lychee-like meat inside. I bet there would be, though. Yeah?

That's exactly what it would be like inside i can imagine a single bug tasting good i can taste like not sweet or nutty like no no i could picture nutty but not sweet and delicious like in in like refreshing yeah i don't know if there are any refreshing bugs what is, I mean Wait, there is that There is that honey ant That has like a big honey butt Oh shit

You're absolutely right See, there's always an exception, isn't there? That's why we have to keep talking, Andy Because every time we keep talking We stumble on something that is absolutely incorrect That big honey butt ant and we stumble on something that is absolutely incorrect. That big honey butt ant. Wet ass. Oh, yes.

Ass. Have I talked about how different flies are from bees? I don't think so. I mean, they're really different I mean, they're really different. Yeah, they're really different. Like on one level, extremely similar, right? For you, they're both fish, right? They're both fish.

To me, they're both fish. They're very similar. You know, they get around in the same way, you know, same kind of eyes and all that shit. Do they have same eyes? And yet the fly, solitary, right, lives on shit. Yeah. Lives on literal feces. Bees, they're like, we're a community.

We pollinate flowers. We eat sugar and we make honey. Flies. I spread disease. I lay my disgusting babies. They're self-employed. They are. Yeah.

I think they're the libertarians. But where do you take wasps in there? Where do you put wasps in there? Where do you put wasps in there? Wasps are... Yeah, wasps are like fucking a completely different thing. Because as far as elegance goes, if you're ranking all three, it does go fly bee wasp.

The wasp is even more elegant. You're right. But the wasp is even more elegant you're right but the wasp is a true psychopath yeah the wasp is like is like the is like um the guy in that movie with the with the white business cards american psycho yeah real wasp mindset they got a real wasp wasp right yeah yeah because that's the other thing about the bee is that the bee can you know will will sacrifice its life to save the colony but the the wasp is just like no i will just kill and kill again yeah and it also is it's like a bee is kind of furry right but i think a

wasp yeah kind of like it's got like an exo hardness. Yeah, it's like, it's like, it's like got like a car paddling. It's armor, you know. It's terrifying. Yeah. Is there a honey wasp? It's a good question. Yeah. Because I mean mean our initial thought is no right yeah probably i don't know yeah i don't i wonder if like maybe it's this false dichotomy sort of thing where as soon as you start collecting honey or nectar or shit they're just like oh you're a

bee even if you're actually a wasp everybody just thinks you're a bee so the wasps can't win brachygastra melefica commonly known as the mexican honey wasp here it is a neotropical social wasp It can be found in North America. It's one of the few wasp species that produces honey. It is also considered a delicacy in some cultures in Mexico. Now, think about this, Andy. Think about this for a second. The honey rat. It's a really good idea. Is it still a pretty disgusting rat? Yeah. But it makes really nice honey? Yeah.

I think this is a really funny idea. I think and, you know, I guess people are presumably selling the honey, the rat honey and telling people it's bee honey right you don't want people to know that this is honey from rats yeah they're scuttling around their filthy paws yeah oh they just really good they make their they walk through these giant flowers and they just collect like pollen on on their their greasy oily skin yeah and then they go back to the to the rat nest and the the queen rat licks it off their bodies and spits it into a directly into the honey jar mason jar that's how they're tried yeah yeah all right yeah i think that's good i mean may you know maybe it turns

out that all um honey has has and always has been made by rats and the entire idea idea of bees was made up by um by some sort of marketing group it is the closest thing what's a way that we can sell this the real life closest thing there is to like a ghost or whatever you know like something that can fly around and uh it's i don't know that's that's as far as i could do it that's all i need to hear that's allair. That's all you're going to hear, you fucking cunt. Yes, good. You can get rid of them with smoke. That's another thing that you can do with ghosts and wasps.

I guess you could make a ghost disappear because you can't see it in the smoke, right? Could be. And they don't disturb the smoke. Or is it like, are ghosts like lasers where you can see them more if they're smoke, like in entrapment? That's a very good question, Andy. Thanks. I didn't get that. Well, what Andy was saying was that ghosts might be like lasers.

And so that, you know, but I think Andy was suggesting that, I guess, ghosts emit energy, which I guess if you could see them, they are emitting some energy because that's what your eye's picking up. And so I guess it can't be entirely wrong. Now, Andy, we technically have one, two, three, four, five ideas. Would you like to go to three words from a listener? I think that's a wise choice. I'm sick.

We're both very tired. How do you know I'm tired? The listeners have been through a lot today. Alistair, because I know you. You know me. I know you. We got me. I know you. We got three words from a listener. Now, today's listener is Thomas Ambrose.

Thomas Ambrose. I think Thomas Ambrose once told us a story about listening to our podcast in like some kind of military hole. A military grade hole. A military grade hole. A military grade hole. You know, this hole was invented for use by the military. And wasn't allowed to be laughing or listening to things. You know, was risking court-martialing.

And a dishonorable discharge. Dishonorable discharge. What do you think? It really sounds sexual. Yeah, what do you think is the most dishonorable discharge that the body produces? It probably is poop, isn't it? The poop. Yeah, or specifically diarrhea, maybe.

Oh, diarrhea, yes. Yes. Oh, what about, have you ever heard of like digestive stuff that is kind of poo-like, but that comes out through the mouth? I don't know if I have, Alistair, and I sort of was happy to keep it that way, but, you know, is this a thing where you're vomiting stuff from even further down in the intestinal tract? Yeah, possibly. So this is past the stomach.

Yeah, maybe. Oh, dear. Yeah, I don't love it. But do you think that that would be the most dishonorable if that exists? It doesn't sound good. Yeah, great. Okay, great Well, now, do you want to try to guess what Thomas Ambrose's three words are? Yeah, okay, the first word is

Ridgeback Ridgeback You know what, you're close in a way Because this is a two-part word, and the first part does have an I as the vowel, and the second part does have an A as the vowel, and it does end in a K. You ready? It's think tank. Think tank. Okay. Think tank. Holiday special.

I'm going to guess the next two words in a big group. Yeah, what a big group of two. Yeah, that's right. It's two, but it's a big two. You know how people say, it's hot, but it's a dry heat? Well, this is two, but it's a big two. It's the wind chill. Yes, a big two. Big group of two.

The smallest thing a group could be. Well, the second word is finally. Think tank. Finally. And the third word is what? Ends. Ends. Oh, my gosh, Andy.

What do you think Thomas Ambrose sitting in his military hole is wishing upon us? Well, it's not that. It speaks. Think tank finally speaks. Yeah, now imagine if the tank itself could speak. You know what I mean? If these walls could talk. If these walls could...

When you think of a tank, do you picture a water tank? Because I'm picturing, I constantly picture a water tank. I picture, I guess, a big boiler. A big boiler? With rivets down the sides. You know, yeah, like a big, you know, big metal tank. But, you know, like they would have as the boiler of an old steam train. Right.

I guess I'm probably picturing what it is in the logo of Tuit, the Think Tech. Yeah, right. I imagine. Yeah, yeah. That's how good my imagination is. I picture it as like a water tank, like the one that you drink, sort of unfiltered water that has fallen from our polluted skies. Yeah, sure. Where does your water come from, Alistair?

It comes from the catchment and then it goes through a filtration process to kill bugs and stuff like that. Cool. Yeah. With chemicals. Yeah. Disgusting chemicals. Are they disgusting? chemicals are they disgusting not like me not like me i've been beautiful natural chemicals like bird shit long life and you know what i was just picturing just saying i was picturing that i was talking to you as a ghost and that you had

already died and i was making fun of you for it oh Oh, yes, old long life Andy Matthews, eh? Died in his early 40s. Yes, oh, you should definitely give me advice on what kind of water I should drink. I love it. I love it that I've died and you come to my grave in order to be able to still have these passive-aggressive conversations with me, trying to make a point to my dead body. Some kind of point that doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. You know, and you're talking to, I guess, my family, maybe my beloved, you know, grieving widow,

and you're saying, I just can't believe he's gone. Who will I now? How will he know he was wrong about all these things? I can't believe he's gone. Who would have thought that someone who doesn't care about his well-being in any way would have passed, you know, and didn't have the wherewithal to think about his family's future. A scientist tells you that actually they've developed the technology to extract the part of my brain that is capable of feeling guilt and keep that alive.

Keep it alive. Just that in a jar. Connect it up to a single ear and then you can continue to make it feel slightly bad about things. Connect it to a bionic ear that I can connect my phone to and just at any time I have a thought, go, hello Andy, it's me, are you still there? I was just thinking about how annoyed I am that you died. And that you've done this to me.

You can harangue me. You've done this to me obviously everything you do is to me you see i can't get past it and it's going to be the thing that eats me up like uh you know the one issue that eats up a lot of the bacteria that you contracted from your unfiltered water yes i was going to say it's like, you know, the issue of trans people to Graham Linehan or Dave Chappelle or whatever. One of those issues that as you become older,

you allow to ruin your personality. And for me, it's going to be Andy drinking rainwater, a thing that people have done forever and have been mostly fine except for their short lives. All right, Andy. Think tank finally speaks. The think tank is given the power to speak, but all it can do is scream and wish for death.

Does it have a mouth? Where would the mouth even be? On the outside or on the inside? Inside mouth. That's a great idea. Or would it be talking out like that and sort of like it would just be like the hole that you would normally pour liquid in if you were getting a truck, say, to bring in like water that you had to buy because you weren't connected to the taps. Because your water tanks have run out of water. Yes.

I feel like we're being derailed slightly for this whole water tank angle. Sorry. I genuinely wasn't. I am trying to get I'm trying to get to it but I'm destroying myself from the inside, Andy. Think tank finally

speaks. My god. I'm not doing well with this, Alistair. Finally speaks. Could be its last. It could still be its last spoke. Yeah. Finally. It says, that's it.

It's like it's the end. Because it could be that, you know, it could be like that. It's a relief and it's the end of people's waiting for it to speak. You know, or it could be that it is the end of its speaking um how how would let's say it was just talking about us ending the podcast what do you think would happen could happen i think we should go to the idea of um you know people always say if these walls could talk yeah right somebody should just invent a wall that can talk right yeah and then we won't have to say that's shit anymore right so it'll be a wall now that these walls i presume

you know we find a way to do it we find a way to they put an ear on it on the back of a rat they must be able to put a mouth on a wall we get walls that can talk and i don't know if they can also listen and you know look as well and then and then i guess any room that you go into it'll just be able to tell you everything that's happened in there you know it'll it'll it'll it'll recount it it'll give you all the juicy stuff like a like a trail activate like a motion activated camera that you might have on your front porch now this is a drama activated wall and if anything saucy is happening in the room anything exciting anyone anyone confronting anybody about anything it'll switch on start listening i think it actually would be

do your eavesdrop hard to steal from somebody's house if their walls could talk you know like because a lot of people put the security into the uh into the door lock and stuff like that but if you could just make door walls that could go how you doing what you got there which like i mean even as they're walking up to the property oh where are you going at the back at the back over back fence. What are you doing there with that crowbar? Who are you? Yeah. Do you know anyone who lives here?

Do you know someone who lives here? What's your name? No, what is your name, though? Hey, you. Oh, should I say? Should I yell? Should I be yelling? Do you belong here? Hey, hey man. Is that a sketch?

Do you want to buy some weed? I don't know if the wall, because I mean, do you think if the walls could talk that they would start getting up to stuff? Because like, let's say the wall was, let's say you just got walls could talk as a security device. Yeah, but then the guy falls in love with the wall. And it's like, it's like that movie Her, but instead of an artificial intelligence, it's a wall. Right? Yeah.

And then I guess you start dressing up your wall in sexy outfits. Oh, yeah. What you consider to be sexy. Yeah, you just find... You know, you'd start out with a huge shade of cloth. A wall is essentially a rectangle, isn't it? Maybe the sexiest rectangle. Oh, here we go.

Yeah. And then you put like a big pair of like lingerie undies they go from one corner to another yeah that's hot you put the corner through the through the leg hole pull it up yeah the other corner through the leg hole you have to do a fair bit of renovating to be able to make that work yeah i mean just to see just the guy go like get jealous of all the other walls touching his wall and so he knocks them down destroys all the other walls until it's just that one wall so he can have it all for himself at all all the wall all the wall all the wall

um yeah so then he knocks all the walls and so it's just him in the wall all the wall yeah so then he knocks all the walls so it's just him and the wall no shelter and does he put up a tarp or something like that or a tent or anything like that it's just I think you know maybe with nothing with no other walls what he didn't reckon on is that the wall then

falls down because you know it's a metaphor for abusive relationships and how you cut off the connection, their connections to other people in their lives and how that's really destructive. I like that, Andy. That's really good.

Thanks, man. Yeah. It'd be good to make a point with this sketch. Finally, finally. I think we could become satire grifters. Love to. Love to do that. Slingers?

Do you think we'd be satire slingers? Slingers? Yeah, slingers. Like satire slingers. So you're slinging your satire. Slinging satire from ear to ear, from eyeball to eyeball. And I'm going to read us through the sketch ideas. I think that's a great idea. Okay, we got disease that makes you more kissable.

Example, sexy COVID. And then we've got the second one is Sex Foley. This is a sketch placed in the sex foley industry. Sorry, my wife appeared very briefly and it scared me. And then we have, if you withhold kindness and good times from friends, you release. Oh my God. and good times from friends, you release... Oh, my God. You realise that they don't actually love you.

Is that what it says? You realise they aren't, yeah. Sorry. You realise they aren't your friends. See? True friends. True friends. When you get cancelled for being a massive prick, you find out who your real friends are.

When you're horrible, you're consistently horrible to everybody around you. You find it. Well. Yeah. Apparently, your real friends are people who will just take you being really awful and continue to act nicely towards you, no matter how horrible you are to other people. That's true, friendship.

And to them. And for them. And then you have a guy who invented tech that allows Bluetooth to connect to the furthest away device. I'm glad that this character of mine has made it into the show. Maybe your character of yours could appear on my new Daytime Tonight show. I'm excited about that. I look forward to being interviewed.

There's also the Honey Rat. And then there's the If These Walls Could Talk Security Walls and you fall in love with the wall. Andy, what do you think? Shall we wrap it? Shall we wrap it? Shall we wrap it? Yeah, let's do it.

All right. Do. Oh, whiff. Whiff, whiff, whiff. Yeah, whiff, whiff, whiff. Whiff, whiff, whiff, whiff. Whiff, whiff, whiff, whiff. Whiff, whiff, whiff, whiff.

Whiff, whiff, whiff, whiff. That's actually made him stop. No, it didn't. No, it didn't. No, it didn't. Well, it didn't. No, it didn't. Well, everybody, thank you so much for your patience and for listening to Two in the Think Tank. It brings us a lot of joy. And we do enjoy doing it.

We do enjoy doing this show that is unbearable to listen to. i mean you truly must be uh pure saints pure pure saints pure kind hearted people each one of you a mother teresa in your own right And we love you. Bye. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Thank you.

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