Two In The Think Tank - 382 - "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILL OWNER"

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Tim the Think Tank, the podcast where we come up with five sketch ideas. We've made 382 episodes of this fucking show. Yeah. Oh, good God. Not yet. 281, Andy. Unless you count poo in the shorts. That's an extra one. But that. 381, Andy.

Unless you count Pooh and the Shorts. That's an extra one, but that was just a half-ep. Well, this is 382. But I don't think those short ones that we did, the two and the shorts except for the Pooh and the Shorts one, I don't think they were counted in the numbers.

No, they don't count towards the total. And indeed, Alistair, there are four lost episodes, which for some reason when I released them, I decided not to count those towards the total as well. So we're actually considerably further ahead than we may appear to be. Because I think we started around the same time as Do Go On. By the way, you guys should listen to Do Go On, the podcast with Jess Perkins, Matt Perkins, and Dave Perkins.

And Kieran Perkins. And Kieran Perkins. The Perkins quadruplets. I wonder if Jess Perkins is related to Kieran Perkins. Oh, gosh. We should do a report on that. We should. Well, we could get up there and surprise them By doing a report on Kieran Perkins

This is my new This is my new show New show concept, possibly dare I say A sketch concept Alistair Lick the tip of your pencil And by that I do mean your penis Because this is going to be A very erotic idea

You're going to want to ejaculate During this And I would hate for you to do so with a dry chafed penis. Get your penis out because you're going to want to penetrate this.

You know the show uh who do you who do you think you are? Yeah Yeah, they go celebrities and they look at their stuff like this This is a new show, this is called Who Do I Think You Are, right? And we get a celebrity on, and then I've made up a completely fictional family tree for them based on all people that I think they might be related to. Like, for example, if we had Jess Perkins on, well, Kieran Perkins could be her dad, you know,

that kind of thing, that kind of good stuff. You know, you just build a web of lies. Who do I think you are yeah that's what i said it was called yeah i know that's what i was double checking with you so i could write it down correctly because i was too busy while you were talking i was too busy writing down my idea who do you think you are google history edition that's where you let a couple of people go through your full google history all the way back all the actual stuff that we know google is keeping the exact history of every single person yeah and then we we get to talk to you about different phases of

your life where it's like you go and then you went through a phase where you're googling about this a lot now what's that about i see it's actually it's actually a fantastic concept yeah but one that probably we couldn't get people on board well i think that you could you could do it you could do it with comedians and i think that you would give them some power of veto on really bad stuff. Yeah. Well, it could, because we know they've all done a lot. It could be done as a surprise one. It could be done like, this is your life, right? It could be, this is your Google search history.

It'd be so great when you'd announce to people that that was the show that they were on, right? Because with this is your life, they didn't know they were going to be on it. Is that right? Oh, yeah. So you show up at their place of work or whatever. Using a phishing scam. Exactly.

You get access to their Gmail. You download some malware onto their computer. You record everything they've been doing. And then you ambush them at work. And you have guests on, you know, you have famous people. You sort of have, yeah, like people that they've discovered that you've anonymously posted about. That's great. Yeah.

You've been subtweeting or people whose Instagram you've been stalking but not actually, like, liking or commenting on anything. Just watching. Do you recognize this voice or something? Yeah. And then, yeah, we discovered you've actually got a few different email addresses through this email. Yeah. And it turns out the other one is used for credit card fraud.

Who's the credit card fraud guy who's giving access to all his emails? Credit card fraud seems... Is it a victimless crime? I'm not completely sure. Yeah. But it feels... Well, I did talk to a doctor today and then the receptionist called me after i talked to the doctor and asked for payment and then just like asked for my credit card

number the expiration date and then the number on the back yeah and i was like wow this is this is how it happens isn't it isn't it it does feel crazy that we've, you know, the problem was that people, it was too easy for people to get all the numbers on the front, right, of the credit card. So what we did is we put three more numbers on the back. Now, if you want to get all the numbers, you've got to turn the card over.

Or you've got to ask somebody to read them out to you. Okay, that's not enough security. Now we're going to engrave a number on the side of the card. We're going to engrave a little picture, a little hieroglyph. But do you notice that the ones on the back, the CVC, they do kind of rub off over time. So maybe that's part of it. After you've

used your card for a certain amount of time, you remember it. It's burned into your memory, but it's rubbed off the card. That could be a security feature. That could be done intentionally. Yeah, but I think there's a lot of people for whom that would become a real problem like people who didn't ever bother remembering it don't use their cards all that often

yeah yes not everybody has to spend five hundred dollars a day andy that's true i lost my card over six months ago and i have continued to just use the numbers that are saved in Google and on my Apple Watch. And I haven't worried about finding it because I remembered the numbers and it had probably rubbed off. Exactly that, Steve. I assume that if somebody's using it, they've probably rubbed it off through all the using of it.

Oh, I assume that if somebody has stolen my credit card they're using it at least as responsibly as i would if not more so exactly yeah somebody taking your credit card out of your hands if only you hadn't remembered that thing it actually would have helped you a tremendous amount oh my goodness Would have been a game changer Do you buy things online Andy? Like do you sort of order things for yourself? No When's the last time you like bought something that was like really just for Andy? I can tell this is exciting

The listeners will be excited to hear this I recently bought a 350-kilogram, 60-year-old bandsaw, an enormous cast-iron bandsaw. It's not working. It's non-functional, but I have a plan to… Is this to try to, like, chop up that gigantic tree in your house, on your property? That's right.

I'm going to turn it into a bandsaw mill i'm gonna build my own mill and i'm gonna start milling lumber i'm gonna mill my own lumber alistair it's gonna be so exciting to see you overcome losing a limb to continue writing comedy which limb if you were to put money down on which limb do you think you're going to lose first? I'll tell you what it's going to be. It's not going to be a limb. It's going to be in a twist that will surprise all. It will be my face that is sliced clearly off the front of my head.

It goes flying through the air. I knew somebody who sliced right through their middle finger into their hand. Like down the middle of it? Yeah, down the middle of it. That's wild stuff. I think. And it would have been a decent blade as well, right? Was it a rotating like a circular saw blade kind of thing?

Yeah, it was a circular saw blade, I believe. Oh, dear lord. That's really causing me a lot of discomfort imagining that, Alistair. I believe that the listeners this would be a great idea for a podcast. You know how sometimes when you... Do you know what he was doing? He started his own mill.

Is that true? No. I mean, no. I don't think so, but I mean, he was milling something. Who wants to be a mill owner? A miller's heir. No, a mill owner. I think that works. You're a mill owner.

A mill dial? Oh, a mill owner. Yeah, that works for me, Andy. I mean, you just have to pronounce the words in such a way that none of them are comprehensible, and then it works as a pun. Who wants to be a crocodile? Crocodile. I think a good – you know how sometimes you have intrusive thoughts, Alistair? A millowner.

you have intrusive thoughts, Alistair. A bellowed air. You know, you have intrusive thoughts and, you know, something embarrassing or unpleasant from your past comes into your mind and you have to sort of scream a little bit or really shake your body to get it out. I think it would be good to have a podcast where they're very short. No, they're very short no they're very short they're only 10 20 second episodes right yeah but what they are is just somebody describing something so viscerally unpleasant that it it's like a palate cleanser for your brain almost

so you know you you you're having that and you can instantly because you've always got your earpods in or whatever you're always on your phone, your phone's right there, you just press an emergency button, right? It might be permanently in the corner of the screen or maybe instead of making an emergency call, you know how you press the stop, the on-off switch on your phone like five times or whatever, it'll call emergency services. be able to just jam that button a few times and then it automatically plays a description of somebody for example slicing directly down the middle of their middle finger with a circular saw blade into their hand somebody what about this one this one's really fucked up somebody dropping a knife and then catching the blade with their hand and then just cutting the hole inside of their palm does that one reset anything in your mind yeah i think that's actually like completely erased

all my memories that's that's fantastic so what's this called? it's like putting a magnet near a hard drive is this like a 1-800 number? yeah I think that's great oh man nobody's doing 1-800 numbers anymore nobody like yeah I mean that's where you should go instead of like starting a mailing list

just start a 1-800 number everybody's got free calls now it's true. Calls are nothing. They're giving away the calls. This is a, you know, instead of Lifeline. Yeah. Just when you call up and your life's really bad,

you call up and they try and make you feel a bit better. But wait, wait. Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. This is called Much Worse Lifeline. Yeah. And as you call up and they just put you, directly hook you up with somebody with a much worse life and they can describe something bad in their life to you, like somebody who's just caught a knife falling through the air.

I think it could just be you call up and listening to it makes your life worse. I suppose. I mean, I love the part where somebody whose life is worse than you gets some kind of job, right? But I think that you just listen to it and your life is worse. You know? Yeah, okay. No? Okay.

You listen to it, it will make you laugh. Well, I mean, I wonder if people will want to call up. Yeah. That's my fear. So... I don't think people want that. Do you think people want to talk to somebody whose life is worse than them, then hear them describing the thing?

I think that's what yours does. Makes your life worse by making you hear about somebody. But people sometimes like that. They sometimes like to feel like their things are not so bad and put them in contact with somebody else. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the nature of empathy. I think that for me, the idea that somebody is like, do you think that that works for that person to be like, I'll tell these people whose lives are better than me about how bad my life is and that'll make them feel better about themselves? Does that?

Well, you know, maybe. And, you know, people do like to be listened to as well. That's true. They like to feel heard. I guess you could just take all the lonely people in the old folks' homes who are desperate to talk to somebody. All the lonely people. When they're not operating a giant mechanical robots,

was that on a mainstream episode or was that on a bonus episode? I can't remember. I don't remember my dream of putting the elderly inside robotic exoskeletons and making them fight wars. But according to your suggestion, they don't realise they're fighting wars. They think they're taking photographs of their grandchildren on an iPad. But every time they press that button, an ICBM gets launched from their backpack, their robot backpack.

But it's all augmented reality. So they're actually fighting alien bugs or maybe just their fellow man. Andy, this is essentially, have you ever seen Ender's Game? No. Well, I listened to it and that was spoiler alert a a partial thing that may happen in some way sure but not with boomers no and and boomers there is a young boomers it'd be great because boomer, you know, you could call them boomers because it works on tunnels because of the booms of the ICBMs. Yes.

Why are they using intercontinental ballistic missiles? They're gold plating the weaponry in order to support the industrial military complex. This is what's known as a Malay. Is that how you pronounce that word? Malay? Maybe. ICBM. It's an ICBM for close range. It's like for hand-to-hand combat?

Yeah, that's right. You hold it like a hand-to-hand combat. Yeah, that's right. You hold it like a sword. And then you strike it against another robot. Elderly persons. Roboted elderly persons. ICBM. You know what you have if you're an elderly person? What?

You don't have an intercontinental ballistic missile. You have an incontinental. L. Incontinental. Inconsequential. Ballistic. That's if you're a nihilist. Sure.

Nothing means anything. Even this missile. What was the idea that I was trying to write down? Wait, which was all the, wait, phone call, phone line. I mean, it's not quite a sketch, but okay, it is a sketch. I'm so sorry. Phone line. I'm so sorry, Andy.

I don't mean to do this. For you to have to hear my deliberations like this hear yourself judged in front of the two hemispheres of my brain trying to figure out whether or not what you've said is a sketch phone line where you hear from someone whose life is worth i, it's very kind that you're writing it down, Alistair. You didn't have to do that. It's worse.

Opposite of Lifeline. I mean, the problem is that it's not quite the opposite of Lifeline. That's why I was going to the other thing. Because opposite of Lifeline, like Lifeline is trying to make you feel better about life and probably some of the people on the phones life are going better than you or worse than you as well sorry sure i mean they're working for lifeline what about this

lifeline okay it's a number it's a 1-800 number that you can call and talk to your wife for free for the price of a local call It's a number. It's a 1-800 number that you can call and talk to your wife. For free. For the price of a local call. I like that, Auntie. Higher rates for mobiles. I don't quite understand all this. Yeah, I know. But all I know is that it's called Wifeline and it allows you to speak to your wife. It would be great if you weren't married.

You could call Wifeline and it would put you in touch with your wife. you to speak to your wife. It'd be great if you weren't married. You could call Wifeline and it would put you in touch with your wife. You can talk to your wife, but you're not allowed to give away whoever your wife is, right? She's not allowed to give away any clues about where she is or who she is. But it just reassures you that your wife does exist. That there is a wife. Right, this might be. There is a wife out there somehow. like do you think do you think that it's like it's the woman that will one day become your wife yeah in my version yes but i'm open to hearing other things yeah it's this kind of like you know

it's like uh you know they have three three bald people in it in a tub um pre-cog kind of but for weddings yeah great three bald people in a tub like you know they're smooth like dolphins or whatever but you know um but it's uh oh i'm trying there's a word in there is there a word for marriage that starts with cog? Wow Wait, wait What's that? Oh, nuptial Oh, I think I know the word you mean Not betrothed

I'm not going to be able to get it, Alistair I don't think it starts with cog I think it might start with con or consummated I was thinking of consummated, but that's not it at all. No. Cogitate? Oh, conjugal? Conjugal. Pre-conj. Pre-conj.

Yeah, the pre-conj. The pre-conj. Yeah, the pre-conj. Anyway, and they can tell that you've got a they can tell when you've got a wife out there somewhere and the ads are only targeted to you once they have a vision of you having a wife once they lock lock in yeah on a on a on a wife um it's really exciting. Was it? I don't know if it's a whole sketch idea. You don't think so?

I mean, because like... All right, it is. Andy, we've just created a whole minority report of weddings. Yeah. This thing could not be more painted in, coloured in all the way. I can see every minute detail of this motherfucker. I think I'm going to become a real big online sketch guy, Andy. Yeah, I'm excited about that, Alistair.

I've been trying to make notes about what you and I could do, right? And one of the things that I've written down is sketches Just the word sketches? You know? I mean, I was thinking we could have a sketch podcast. Where we come up with one sketch. Yeah. Or should.

Well, it would be something. It would be more than we have produced recently. That's true. It has been a while. Record a podcast. Make a podcast. Record the podcast. Those are some of the things that you've written down?

No. But, you know, these would be the – I haven't got that far. But these could be steps that are involved. I mean, it's amazing to think of how possible it seems to be. Taking steps. Where are you taking them? There's a joke there about ladder thieves. They're taking –

Taking steps. But I haven't – I don't know what it is. And it doesn't feel like it's going to be good. There's a joke there about ladder thieves taking steps. But I don't know what it is. And it doesn't feel like it's going to be good. It doesn't feel like it's going to be worth putting in here. I mean, this is not good, but it's a judge. He says, well, you've been a ladder thief for 20 years. What have you done in order to get your life back on track? Well, I'm taking steps.

You know what? That joke turned out way better than I. I've been taking steps to get my life back on track. I've been taking steps to make money. Put him back in the jail. This is like what? What have you? almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats, but meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. ...to try and become a contributing member of society. Well, I've been taking steps.

It's turned out way better than I thought it could have. Back in the day. Lock him back up another 20 years so he did 20 years of ladder theft then he was wow 20 years for ladder no no he had done 20 years of ladder theft then okay got 20 years in jail for ladder theft. And then, and he's cut out. And then he was up for parole. And he was up for parole, and then he failed the parole test, the quiz just there with that joke, and then got another 20 years. So they doubled his sentence just off of that sentence.

Yeah, it's great. Is that a sketch? I guess we could write that. That's actually a sketch, isn't it? Yeah High crimes and misdemeanors How many ladder thieves does it take to change a lightbulb? That'll do Platform High Lofty Platform

Lofty Rung Rung Something about the rungs There's a I need my phone call Rung I need my phone call

Rung Then fade to black that's right i think if only we like we could get other people to enjoy the fact there's no jokes as much as we do like how do you create that because it's like that idea of like um Like, how do you create that? Because it's like that idea of like, why the chicken crossed the road kind of thing. So you're being told that you're being told a joke.

It's heavily implied, I'm telling you a joke, right? And then there's no joke, and therefore people should find that funny. Right? So that's why you sell that's why the idea of like you sell a joke book and you don't and then all the jokes aren't jokes. None of the things in there are jokes. That should be funny. It turns out

the whole book is just a joke. It was just a joke. It was a joke book. There's no jokes in it. Yeah, that's the joke. The book's a joke. That's the joke. Fucking hell. Fucking hell.

Fucking hell. Fucking hell. God, fucking hell. Do I have to spell it out for you? It's actually one of Alistair's sentence books. I think one of the reasons that... It's just sentences. Yeah, that it's just sentences. Yeah, they're all just sentences.

That would be impressive if you could write a book full of sentences. None of them are jokes. I could write a book of sentences and none of them are jokes. It was called my 2023 Comedy Festival Show. Was that a book, was it? Yeah, I'm releasing it as a book. How am I going to get the PowerPoint in there? It's actually going to be very easy, Eddie, so shut up.

But, yeah, that's the joke. But I think one of the reasons you and I maybe find sometimes the tortuous absence of a joke so funny is because we have you know for all intents and purposes created the impression that we are here to try and come up with jokes and we have built our lives around the idea that we should be able to put jokes into things and sometimes when we deliberately don't do that it's so bloody minded and sometimes when we deliberately don't do that it's so bloody minded and but also i think for you and i it it it taps into the funniest thing of all which is our insecurity and our fear that maybe we actually can't write jokes anyway

and it's the fear i live with every day it's's happening. Alistair, we were on a chat the other day, and Alistair was doing a bit where he would just repeat jokes that I'd suggested, but rearrange the words slightly, and then started to do it to an absurdist extent where he would rearrange the words so that the whole sentence was incomprehensible. that he would rearrange the words so that the whole sentence was incomprehensible. And I believe, like, completely taking away all the context of that,

I believe there was something about how badly he was constructing the sentences that made them works of art and made them funny on their own. I was really – I'll read out this important sentence and we'll see if the listeners can get any comedy out of it. Maybe you should read your sentence first. I mean, I don't know if that will help. No, I'm not going to. No, I'm not going to. I want them to see if they find this sentence to be funny. Wine said when asked drunk he'd what several that night the dog and he would be great if the list i'll read it one more time wines that's w-h-i-n-e-s

wine said when asked drunk he'd the he'd watch several that night, the dog. If the listeners would like to try and rearrange that and guess what the original sentence was. What the joke was. Do you want to give them? Should we give them the news article? No, I don't think so. I don't think so.

I don't think they need any more information. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think they need any more information. I reckon if you put – maybe if you put those sentences, those words into ChatGPT, asked it to try and rearrange them and work out what the joke was, told ChatGPT that it was based on a recent news story, which it was, you might be able to get computers to reverse engineering.

That would be very interesting. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Because at least they should be able to find a... Maybe he keeps losing connection. I'm guessing it's all him. Are you still there?

But I'm recalling him again. Are you still there? He's probably talking to you. I lost him. No, he's on the phone. So no, I can't contact him. But I'm recalling him again. Are you still there? He's probably talking to you. I lost it. No, he's on the phone. So no, I can't contact him. I've lost you. Let's see.

Now he's not answering. So he may have like lost now it's going to his message bank hi andy it's alistair just calling i'm just doing a podcast with you at the moment and was wondering if you wanted to keep it going or whether or not you're a bit busy at the moment. Anyway, get back to me soon and take care. Okay, I will try. Left a message.

Now I'm going to call Andy back. Now it's ringing again. Let's see. Hello. Whether Andy's trying to ring me. Hello? Who knows. You know what I'm going to do? I'll try and call via messenger instead. That's what I will do. Oh, no, wait.

It's called a message bank again. Hi, Andy. We're playing a bit of a game of a phone tag here. It's just Alice the Troubled Virtual again from the Two in a Think Tank podcast. We were just in the middle of a podcast and just wanted to see if you were interested in continuing. Anyway, talk to you later. Let me know if you want to. Bye.

Okay, I'll try calling Indy now through Messenger. Let's see if that will be more useful. Let's see now. This one doesn't have message bank so if i miss the call then he won't be able to know here we go uh andy um i a couple of um i had to leave a couple of messages on you did you get my messages on your. No. Well, feel free to listen to those. I bet they're good though. Eh? Do you want to, were you talking throughout this?

I was talking. Because I wasn't. Yeah, I was talking throughout. Okay, that's incredible. All right, that's a commitment. Well. And I think we've got an unspoken agreement that in these situations, I freeze up and go silent.

Fortunately, you continue to talk. Yes. The unspoken, it's just that it's somehow, it's in our, it's somewhere coded in our DNA. Well, we're entangled. We're quantum entangled. That's right. You know, and we know the state of one another.

That's right. That would be great, you know, that you would be able to, I think if you had a comedy double act who'd been working together for long enough, right, you could actually get them started on a riff, okay? Take them to separate sides of the earth and then, yes, and then let them keep riffing, take them to separate sides of the earth, bring them back together and the riffs would still be perfectly in sync. They'd continue to talk and say the lines. Yeah, but I mean, if you had them on one side of the earth bring them back together and the rifts would still be perfectly in sync they continue to talk and say yeah but i mean if you had them on one side of the one on one side of

the world road world sorry and he his fingers were were out pointing you know they're like in a peace sign but poking towards somebody's eyes you know on the other side of the world that the other ones holding his hand up to is the bridge of his nose, blocking those two fingers from going in his eyes. You know, you can know the state of the other based on just looking at the state of one of them. That's great. The quantum entangled double act.

What do you think of this as an idea, Alistair? I don't have a lot else to go with this, but you just tell me how it hits you when I say it first. The Three Splooges. Is this a porn version of The Three Stooges? I think it might be, yeah. Yeah, I think it might be. I mean, I love it. I love...

Are they doing that in black and white? Yeah, I think it would have to be. Oh, do you think Curly's got a really big bush and then suddenly his name is not ironic anymore? Short and Curly. Well, you don't have to call him Short and Curly. Yeah, I mean, I think... But I wouldn't...

That's interesting. I think Curly should have really straight pubes. We'd like to try and keep the comedy of the three stooges. We'd like to, you know, I think if we did that and we gave them really Curly Bush, it would undermine the comedy, right, that they'd worked so hard to create. Are they just having sex with each other? Or are you picturing that there's women in there? Because I think, I guess if it's like… I've never seen the Three Stooges. Not even like a tiny little thing?

I don't know. I don't, I mean, look, I might have seen like 30 seconds of that bit where someone pokes someone else in the eye and puts their hand up or something. But I don't think I've seen any proper routines. Yeah, because, I mean, I feel like it would become yucky if there was like a woman involved like one woman involved oh of course because if it's like just if because especially if just the focus is on three guys kind of interacting with each other and then the women are just there as props i don't like i think it has to be a gay porn um that would sit better with me you know i think i would find that easier to watch important

um now alistair i've i've missed a couple of other calls while this podcast has been recording yeah so do you want i don't want to talk solo while you go and no no no i was wondering how many sketch ideas we've got written down and whether we could move things towards words from a listener. Okay, well, let's see. We've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. I bet they're all really good. Okay.

Have you written down the three splooges? Yeah, I wrote down the three splooges, yeah. Okay, great. Okay, carry on. on all right so then um okay so the three words and now are from an old an old listener friend um leon horseman leon. Leon Horseman. It's so good to have you back, Mr. Horseman. Leon, it's good to be back on the Horseman. Do you say that every time?

No, I don't think so. No, I love that. Probably. It's great to be back on the Horseman. I love that, Eddie. That's got to be your new Leon Horseman catchphrase. What's your John Dooley one? I'd probably talk about the song.

Dooley, Dooley. John Dooley. Yeah, John Dooley. Yeah. Okay. Lay down your head, John Dooley. Except I think I've discovered recently it's actually Tom Dooley, so it doesn't even work. But I have my Adriana Genualdi one.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's right. So this is good. Great. Great. Well, Leon sent in three words. annuality one yeah and oh yeah you know that's right so this is this is good um great well um and leon sent in three words i don't know if you know this but we have listeners and some of them can send in three words if they support us on patreon beautiful they give us that three american dollars that the greenbacks they give us three greenbacks. They post them in the mail.

Crisp. Crisp and clean. They smell, you know, so fresh. Oh, yeah. They got that new greenback smell. Yeah, that's right. They're still warm from the mint, you know. They send them in those envelopes that they deliver Domino's pizzas in. It's an envelope.

Yeah, just like, well, it's a pizza envelope. You know, that sort of like that foil-covered bag that they keep all the pizza boxes in? It's a pizza envelope. I think you might be able to build like a thermos or something, some sort of a vacuum thing that would allow the money to keep the warmth from the presses. Oh, like one of those architectural drawing tubes, but with an evacuated kind of tube around it. Yeah. A tube in a tube.

That's a really interesting idea, Andy. Great idea. Now, would you like to try to guess what Mr. Horseman's first word is? um now would you like to try to guess what mr horseman's first word is first word is um upwards upwards no um oh gosh you probably have only two letters correct that's really tough yeah uh no the first word is are. Are. A-R-E. A-R-E. Are. Are you. Are you. The second word is you.

Andy, you got you. This is great. It's actually the frequency at which you are getting it now has increased a tremendous amount. You're guessing words out of all the words that things could be because you've learned that it's not about pure a lot of the time it's not about guessing pure uh like the pure odds of you know however many words there are in the in the in the language it's about understanding the psyche of the listener. The listener's psyche.

That's what I've really hooked into. But are you entertained? Oh, Andy. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! It is sure. Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?

Are you sure? A question mark as well. Are you sure? Oh, okay. Not are you sure the statement. Are you sure the question? I mean, this is a great concept for who wants to be a millionaire type show or possibly a who wants to be a mill owner type show. I've written down who wants to be a mill owner.

Where there's only one question in the whole quiz, right? They ask it at the top of the show. And maybe it's one that they wouldn't expect anybody to know you've got to get rid of everything that you own in exchange for whatever this prize is this mystery prize okay you have to swap all your possessions all your possessions and like including your home including all your physical memories. Yep. Right? In exchange for what's in this briefcase. And then it's called, are you sure? Well, in my version, you lock in your answer. You choose your answer before the first commercial break.

And then, like, you know, sometimes Eddie Maguire or whoever the host of who wants to be a millionaire in other countries will do is they just keep checking if you're sure. And if you want to keep that locked in and then that bit is that that's the whole show that game, you know, the, he, the host, he knows he or she probably he though, statistically speaking knows what the correct answer is. And then they just keep you second-guessing yourself for a full broadcast hour. Do they reveal a little bit of information? Do they go, here's a photo of one of the quarters? No, you've got to work it out from there.

It's a psychological game, I guess, as much as anything between you and the host so it's a game called are you sure what's on the line a million dollars or a mil or a mil you know a mil you know if you want to be a mil owner oh yeah so they don't really have anything that they could lose who well so like what is the like it's like a 50 50 question is that the idea no i guess there's four options okay um you know it could be 50 50 if you want but yeah you know just trying to make it basically psych you out i guess it's a bit like that thing that they did on um i did had a eight out of 10 cats with the, it's the, does my box have a carrot in it or something like that.

Carrot in a box. I like my name better. Does my box have a carrot in it? I think it's, I think it's cleaner. Anyway, that's my pitch. Okay. It's the one question quiz show. The people, if you're at home and you know the answer, it would be excruciating. And if you don't know the answer, also excruciating. What if even the first question is, are you sure? And you're hooked up to some electrodes and stuff like that that judges whether or not you are confident. And then it says, are you sure? And you say, some electrodes and stuff like that that judges whether or not you are confident. And then it says, are you sure? And you say, yes.

Yeah. And they say, are you sure? Because they want to know whether or not you're sure about being sure. And over an hour of asking you, they try to break you down. And if your level of certainty, which is being monitored by scientific equipment, scientific equipment can do that these days. If it drops below a certain point...

Yeah, the bus explodes. ...at any point in that hour, that broadcast hour, the bus explodes. A bus full of people explodes. It's just another version of crank. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Crank was really just a version of...

Speed. Speed. But they were like, what if Keanu Reeves was the bus? Yeah. And what if the other guy, David Stratham, not David Stratham. David Stratton. David Stratton. David Stratton.

Jason Statham. Jason Statham was Keanu Reeves, who himself was a bus. Yeah, it's really exciting. Actually, I think we might have already come up with this idea. Oh, God. Where somebody was riding around on somebody's back. I'm pretty sure we did that. Yeah, yeah, we did.

Probably about 200 episodes ago, but I think we did. Alistair, I might have to wrap up there. Because you're getting more missed calls? Because I just need to go and respond to these calls. But let's guess what the calls are. Okay, I'll take us through the sketch ideas. Okay, there's who do you think you are Google History Edition. Right, you get access to full Google History.

Okay, who do I think you are? That's Andy's idea where Andy tells you what he thinks. Just guesses. I just guess. Who wants to be a mill owner? Mill owner. That's another game show. I don't know what kind of questions you're answering for that.

I guess it's the sort of questions that somebody who would run a mill would need to know the answers to. But is that what the game is? Is that somebody who has a million dollars would know who's a millionaire? It's not about owning or having a million dollars. Oh, no. No, it's not. so not about owning having a million dollars oh no no it's not but this is a different show you're right you're right you're right we don't want to steal too much um it's got nothing to do with who wants to be a millionaire um it's completely unrelated phone line where you hear from someone whose life is worse opposite of lifeline we've got lifeline you call your wife for i don't know why I wrote for price, but that's not for no price.

Anyway, even when you don't have one. We got ladder thief. Says to the judge, I've been taking steps. We've got a book of sentences, but it's called a joke book. And yeah, that's the joke. Quantum entangled Double Act. We've got the three splooges and we go, are you sure the game show? Thank you so much for listening to the Think Tank.

That's really cool that you do that thing. Follow us on, I guess, Blue Sky. I'm not on it. I'd love to get on Blue Sky. I think that's the future. Whoever's stolen my name. Yeah, I want to get on Blue Sky, but I don't have an invite. Do you have an invite?

I don't have an invite. If you have an invite, can you send us one? We want to get on there. Start making it big. Yeah. I want to at least get a A handle A decent handle

Yeah Um And you know I hope nobody takes Stupid old Andy Yeah Don't you take stupid old Andy Anyway

I'm at AlistairTB Andy's at stupidoldandy I'm at atrumblyvirtual on Instagram We're at twoandtank We're at twoandtank On both And we Love Love You You Bye Bye We're at 2andTank. We're at 2andTank. And we love you.

Bye.