Two In The Think Tank - 384 - "BOSTON STATICS"

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

Spoon Thrower, Podstars, Dog Fight Hair Distraction, Letters Vs Numbers, BS, Walllover, Christian Porn, Finger Sucking Taxi Mouth, Terracopper, Terror CottaGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereApologies to George for the edit on this one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, gets, How do you feel about a gang of unicyclists? A unicycle gang.

Yeah, I like that so far. Real hardcore guys. Would you say that they're half as hardcore as a motorcycle gang? Yeah, I mean, I guess so Yeah You know Maybe they got one of those Real low rider

They got those low rider unicycles Yeah I don't know I don't know how it would work But I guess the wheel Would have to be under your butt Do they have low rider Motorcycles

And the pedals are out in front Somehow Yeah that's what That's what like the Isn't that what they are Those easy rider Kind of ones? They're low riders?

Or is low rider something else? Is low rider a type of jeans? Well, I think it is also a type of jeans, but I thought the low riders were the cars that had the hydraulics and allowed them to bounce and stuff. Oh, wow. Sure. I was just imagining a unicycle that you worked it out in such a way

as you can sort of sit back in that laid-back position of a Harley Davidson or a fat boy rider, a chopper, like you're riding a chopper, but it's a unicycle. And I guess these are all sort of the bad boys of circus, maybe? I mean, you laugh at that, but I think there probably is some bad boys of circus. A few bad boys in circus, you reckon? It's a sort of sideshow act, you know?

I think they're sort of traditionally criminals. Sure. And, you know, people, you know, what's with those people who've been pushed out of society, don't fit into regular society? Outcasts? Outcasts. Would you call them an outcast?

You know, people who put swords through their tongue and stuff. Yeah. I mean, it's a weird phenomenon, isn't it? Like, we've cast you out of society, but we would love to come and watch you in a big tent and do something very strange. Break a glass and lay down on it. But we would love you to entertain our children.

I guess there's glass eaters, people who eat glass. I guess so. You never hear about people who eat ceramics. You're always hearing about knife-throwing acts. You never hear about a spoon-thrower, do you? Yeah, you never hear about somebody who throws a spork. A spork-thrower. Anyway, you're listening to Two in the Think Tank,

the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair. It's a beautiful cold open. George William Trombley-Virchel. I forgot that we were in a cold open. Positively frigid. It's rare that they allow people to have a cold open after the intro music.

Yeah, that's right. It's a slightly warm open, wouldn't you say? It's a tepid open. It's definitely tepid open. There hasn't been the full introductions. Finally, science has been able to develop the room temperature open. open we try to put room temperature into everything in this podcast yeah yeah well i mean think of the things that we've tried to make room temperature we've made we've made room temperature bread we've thought we've thought about room temperature, superconductors.

What do you think is the coldest open it's possible to have? Is there an absolute zero of opens? If you're starting a show, I think what would be the absolute zero of opens would be to start your show in the previous show without anybody noticing. Oh, yeah. You're in the background show without anybody noticing. Oh, yeah. You're in the background or something. Yeah, maybe before the closing credits of the previous show. You start speaking over the other people. They're closing off their show.

You start speaking loudly. Yeah, talking over the entire climax and obscuring the point they were trying to make. And that's just the cold open of your show. That's the absolute, that's the zero Kelvin open. That's an absolute zero open. Oh, that's what, yeah. I forgot that that's what

Kelvin was. I forgot that you measure things in Kelvin. I measure everything in Kelvin. My oven operates in Kelvin. What's body temperature in Kelvin? Body temperature, that would be about 310 degrees. Did you have to check that, look that up? I just tried to work it out.

Andy, you were really close. Unfortunately, you weren't quite there, but it was 310.15 degrees Kelvin. Oh, that's really embarrassing. Oh, Andy. And you're supposed to be the smart one on this podcast. God. I'm supposed to be.

When I signed up, I was smart spice. When this super group was put together, this manufactured podcast group, that'd be a great new idea. It's an Australia's Got Podcast. Yeah, no, it's a, we're going to be, or you're going to be, the Simon Cowell of Australia's Got Podcasts. Yeah. And you're going to see a couple of,

and you're going to make the first boy podcast. Yeah. Right. And I'm really cruel to them. And I put them through a real, like, sort of rigorous training regimes. Oh, yeah. And I don't...

You know, forcing them to get up at 8 a.m. every morning to start riffing with each other. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just to get the banter. Like one of these. The banter flowing. Like these K-pop kind of like training grounds. Yeah, that's the model I was referencing.

That's really good. I'm blending a few. K-pod. It's called K-pod. It's the K-4. Pod star. Pod Star. Pod Stars. Oh, that's really good.

Yes, good. It's just like we turned that P upside down. They would probably still be able to use the same sign from the old Pop Stars show. What happened to Pop Stars? Why did Pop Stars lose out to Australian Idol? What happened to pop stars? Why did pop stars lose out to Australian Idol? Which lost out to The Voice,

which sort of all got consumed by X Factor or whatever. What's going on there? And, you know, Australia's Got Talent still survives, but you don't hear about any singers coming out of Australia's Got Talent anymore. No, it's always some fucking... What is it? Actually, I have no idea. I've never watched it.

I don't know who wins Australia's Got Talent. I was just too busy writing down the thing. Not the whole time, but... Man, we would be kicked off Podstars so quick for this. No, no, no, no, because this, they would... This lull. No, no, no no they wouldn't they wouldn't do you think they would kick us off like do it do they get the people at home to vote i think we would lose our immunity for the next how do you gain immunity what kind of challenge

podcast challenges i guess you don't i guess for for podcasting you don't you doning, you don't get kicked off. You just get, I don't know, you get cancelled or something. You get somebody, one of your previous lovers reveals your appalling behaviour in their relationship and the shine really goes off you. behavior and you're in their relationship and you're the shine really goes off you yeah so you're able to continue podcasting but under under a cloud i was about to say that you know let's say in this k pod um sort of uh compound where they're training up all the all the boy the boy pods and the and the girl pods um and and there could even be a mixed pod whoa um i'm you know but i've yet to see it let's let's just imagine that this and then within it that there was like

a crime that occurred like a like a murder of jealousy maybe yeah and then but one one of the podcasts is a is a uh true crime true crime. But then it occurred to me that that's probably what... In the building one. Only Murders in the Building. Are they doing a crime podcast? Is that what happens? They are. And there's also other podcasts involved.

Really? Oh, I haven't... Particularly in the second season. Oh, I haven't... I couldn't get through more than one episode of the first season. Yeah, there's a lot of really lame shit in there, isn't there? There's a couple of very funny moments from Martin Short. Yeah.

That was enough to keep me sticking around. Stinking around. Stinking around. So, yeah, that's a shame that that idea went nowhere except for, you know,ney plus or whatever of ours this idea that we had so many years after that podcast after that tv show was made yeah that's a real shame it's a real crying shame i mean imagine a podcast which did have both men and women on it though what would that be like that's such a funny idea, they could ask each other about why, you know,

those kind of fucking bullshit questions, like why men and women can't be friends. They can be friends, they just can't podcast together. Why can't men and women podcast together? Well, because they're going to want to have, make podcasts with each other's boyfriends or girlfriends. Oh, see, that's what it is. It always happens. It's inevitable. I mean, I don't know where Do Go On fits into this.

I guess they're the exception that proves the rule. I think that what we're discovering is that probably either both Matt and Dave are women or Jess is a boy. I think that's just mathematics. I'm sorry, guys. And I do mean guys or girls. You know, you've got birds. You know, we've got birds. I was thinking about birds before, Alistair,

because you know about my balding situation, right? I was thinking, what are some alternatives? What are some alternatives to having a hairpiece or a wig? And I was thinking, having a bird sitting on your head or possibly just swooping near your head to distract people. And then I was thinking, what about just like two dogs fighting nearby? Nobody's going to notice you're bald if two dogs are fighting nearby. And so the dogs are fighting sort of up near your head,

or are you getting closer to the ground? No, no, I don't think so. I think the point is the dogs are fighting in the room, right? And people are sort of distracted, fighting in the room, right? Yeah. And people are sort of distracted. They're distressed, right? Very much their focus is going to be on the dogs. Nobody's looking at your bald spot. Sure.

And so is the idea here that this is what gets you into dog fighting? Is this what gets people into dog fighting? I think we should do some studies, right? It'd be great to do one of those studies where, like, people think they're coming in to answer questions about what type of chocolate bar they like the best, right? But then in some of the rooms, the guy handing out the chocolate bars,

well, in all of the rooms, the guy handing out the chocolate bars is balding. But in some of the rooms where he's handing out the chocolate bars, well in all of the rooms the guy handing out the chocolate bars is balding. But in some of the rooms where he's handing out the chocolate bars, there's also two dogs fighting. Right? In the corner. And then afterwards, after the so-called chocolate study has completed,

we ask the participants the real question, which is, how luscious do you think the head of hair on the man handing out the chocolate bars was? And then we discover that in the dogfighting room, they thought he had a glorious full mane of hair. That's what they actually imagined. We asked them to draw a picture of what they thought his hair looked like and every single one of the pictures it looks like this beautiful

sort of like tina turner and like yeah in the mad max movie and it turns out the bigger and more vicious the dogs, the fuller the head of hair. We can't explain it, okay? It's a phenomenon. It's a cultural phenomenon. It must be something to do with some primal thing in our brains. That's why people, guys who have not a strand left on their head, they've all got into dog fighting.

They've all got into dog fighting. Because of the way that people see them which is hairy AF. AF as? At some point the people see you as so hairy that it actually goes beyond your head and they think your whole body is covered in fur. They think you're a wolf man.

They think you're one of the dogs. And they see you as having fought in the thing and having beaten all the dogs. They have all these... It constructs all these memories. Yeah. And a man fought two pit bulls and bit their jugulars out.

What is the end game for the alpha male thing? Are we supposed to all be alpha males? Well, it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't. The idea that there's alpha males listening to alpha males give each other alpha male tips. It can't work like that yeah yeah they're trying to have like alpha male conferences or like get togethers that's not how it works what you're talking about is somebody who's done a few weights i think

yeah yeah and has a terrible relationship with their parents right probably and probably with women i guess yeah yeah mostly their mom i assume but like you know whatever's going on with the dad is probably not all that healthy as well yeah so yeah no it's it's fucked yeah it's really sad. I mean, what is the sketch here? Well, I want to start a beta male podcast, obviously. I want to be one of those beta influencers. Yeah. Giving big, you know, beta advice. Yeah, beta advice.

I want to be the alpha beta. The alpha beta? Yeah. beta advice I want to be the alpha beta the alpha beta yeah but I mean I like the idea that it's like beta advice to alphas okay yeah that's good too

you know like how to get to the top by coming down to the coming down to just under the top I mean they never really seem all that happy do they Coming down to just under the top. I mean, they never really seem all that happy, do they?

These alpha guys. They seem angry. Yeah. They seem intense, you know. But like, I wouldn't... You don't see them really having a fun time. No, and you never see an alpha being silly. Yeah. You kind of see them being cruel, that's one of the funnest things you can be.

Which I think that there is playfulness in being cruel. Maybe cruelty is the alpha silliness. It's alpha silly. Could you be a beta, but could you learn how to make a beta mezzanine

like you're on a lower level you're underneath the alphas but you build a you build a beta mezzanine that actually allows you to get a little bit above the alphas but still retain a lot of the beta attributes yeah well i think that's what being like um i think that's probably what being a really rich tech nerd is yeah yeah but what are the ones that the people call sigma i don't know what a sigma is yeah i don't know anything about sigma it's a mathematical function yeah um okay what is what is a sigma male? Sigma male is a slang term used in masculinist subcultures for a popular, successful, but highly independent and self-reliant man. Another term for sigma is a male lone wolf, right? So this is probably just a way that they give yeah exactly like what you were just talking about they

because it doesn't fit into their alpha into their alpha ideology that there can be guys like elon right who could be sort of like you know a leader and in some way like that they have to look up to they go, this is a new category and you don't have to be a big tough guy. Yeah. Yeah, right. So that's it. They're still, they're at the top.

It's like, it's like, you know, you can be the, no, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. It's like, you know, sometimes you can be one or you can be the... No, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. It's like, you know, sometimes you can be one or you can be A. They're both the first, but they're different types of things. You're slightly outside of the sociosexual hierarchy. Oh, the sociosexual hierarchy.

That's a beautiful, beautiful concept. I'm reading it off a graphic, Andy. Oh. There's a drawing of a graphic, Andy. Oh. There's a drawing of a wolf looking back. Really? Yeah, because they consider them lone wolves. We all know that this is not what wolf society is actually like. No.

Didn't they discover that wolf society was actually very like helping each other out and stuff like that and not competitive like that? I'm pretty sure wolves take care of injured other injured wolves and don't they also only go as slow as the slowest pack member or something maybe not i'm probably making all of this oh you're thinking of alpha turtles ah i wonder if there are alpha turtles. Yeah, or even like in your house, are there alpha appliances? Let's see. What would it be? I mean, it feels like the oven, right? The oven does kind of control a lot of the stuff, doesn't it? The stove and oven.

But then the washing machine is pretty high up there, but so is the fridge. I mean, the fridge is probably like... It's like the godfather. Yeah, because I think without the fridge, the whole system breaks down, right? Because all your food is not being preserved. But what about the house heater? The house heater? No, I don't think that's that important because I think you can survive with that.

You just put on more clothes or more covers or something yeah right but do you think the body warm to do the blankets have a place in this hierarchy i don't think i don't i don't think they exist within the um you know i think that's a different kingdom like i think so i think the appliances are like the animal kingdom right but i think um probably blankets are like plants or something. Yeah, they're like the fauna. Flora, sorry. And so do you think clothes and blankets are similar? They're related. They're not that far related, are they?

Yeah, I think... They're definitely different genus, but they go back. They're connected. They're like bonobos and chimps. But, you know, they're more like, you know, pine trees and leaf trees. Do you think, sorry to change the subject. Andy, don't. What?

If we ever get one of our, get some sort of science show on the radio again or something where we're interviewing really smart people, could we ask them which one... I know that the numbers and the letters are in different worlds, but which one would come first out of one or A? If they were in the same world, one of them must come first. So which one would come first out of one or A? If they were in the same world, one of them must come first. So which one would come first?

Which kind of scientist do you think would... Who would win, you know? Yeah. Who would win in a fight between the letters and the numbers? And do you think that, like, let's say you fought, because, you know, there's more numbers than there are letters,

but then do you think that characters from other languages would come in and help? But, I mean, there's more numbers than there are letters, but then the numbers are made up, you know, the bigger numbers are just made up of combining the smaller numbers, and you can do the same thing with words. And in fact, you can combine letters into words and then into sentences and into paragraphs. And then you can also like...

Do you think like a big word is kind of like a tank? Yeah. Whereas individual letters or numbers are kind of like the infantry. Letters versus numbers? letters or numbers are kind of like the infantry and on letters versus numbers we've got to get on this before Pixar but I also

feel like you can smash up a big number into little numbers, you can divide it up into little numbers and those little numbers still work as numbers, so they'd probably be able to continue fighting. Whereas I feel like if you were to break up a word, smash a word into bits,

I think the letters themselves, maybe they don't have any agency at that point. Well, you know what would happen? They cease to have meaning? Somebody, you know, but one of the letters would then find all the pieces of the letters, right? A particularly creative letter would find the pieces and then would start putting the pieces together and creating hieroglyphs. And then they would sort of like get, you know, like they would create little images that represent things. Yeah, that's powerful. And then they create... then they create a thousand words it's a thousand words

and so then that's a number oh my god that's that's a hybrid yeah oh my god and also you can use letters to make numbers right that's true write numbers, but you can't use numbers to make letters. No, but that's really interesting because then you could create the number one and then they could infiltrate the number world because all the numbers would just see it as one of their own. I don't think they'd be able to sniff it out. Yeah, you'd be like having a spy.

That's like the cyborg Arnie infiltrating in Terminator or whatever. Was that what he was built for? You know what? I don't think I've ever seen the whole Terminator films. It was around when I was young and I saw bits and pieces, but I don't think I've actually watched the whole thing.

I'm pretty sure that the T- t1000 is that what arnie was was built to infiltrate human encampments or whatever in these wars in the future and you know bring them down from within that's what that existed for and i'm sure this joke has been made plenty but like can you imagine being in a room with all the other rebels human rebels and looking around and being like so we suspect that one of us might be a machine in disguise you all look around and he's there in the corner which one could it possibly be which one could be a sort of a robot killing machine merely straining against the bounds of its flesh suit?

Yeah, no, I could see why that would be a little bit obvious, Andy. I mean, you wouldn't see it because you would see everybody as human, Andy. I wouldn't. you wouldn't see it because you would see everybody as human, Andy. I wouldn't. You wouldn't? So do you have suspicions that there are people now on Earth that might be robots? Yes. You know what they should do? They should breed a dog.

Because, you know, dogs are so flexible in terms of how different their shapes could be. It'd be nice to get a dog that looks and moves like those Boston Dynamics robotic dogs. Yeah, that'd be really good. Then we would have something on our side that we could send into the robot. We could reverse infiltrate them when the Boston Dynamics dogs form a pack and start to take over and kill the humans, we can send some of our best friends, our most loyal companions, real dogs.

Real dogs. Amongst them. Real dogs in there. To bring back information. Try and pass themselves off. So, what did you learn in there? This is when the dog comes back. Tell me.

Woof. What were they saying? The dog's been undercover for five years. What have they been doing? He comes back. Woof, woof. He kind of walks like them. Oh, I hadn't thought about this.

And then he sends a man dressed as one of those things in. Five years later, Sir, sir, what did you learn in there? Do you think that while you were training your Boston Dynamics, your dog to be like a Boston Dynamics dog, you'd have to kick it a lot? Like they kick those?

Like they kick those, yeah. Because they know that once you send them in there, that's how they greet each other or whatever. That's what they're used to. Yeah, that's the only... Because of how they greet each other or whatever. That's what they're used to. Yeah, that's the only... Because of how they've been raised, that's the only way they know how to just express their affection.

Yeah, huge kick to the side of their body. They slightly lose balance and then regain their composure. In a terrifying way. With an inevitability to it. Is that a sketch idea? The undercover people? That's not really anything, is it? What about this? It's

Boston Dynamics, but they've made a cat, right? And it just lies there. Doesn't do anything. Just lies in the sun, twitching. It's a joke about cats and their behaviour. That's true, yeah. Actually, I think in the sun twitching. It's a joke about cats and their behaviour.

That's true, yeah. Actually, I think they have made one that's kind of like a cheetah, haven't they? They made one that was sort of a big cat, I suspect. But this is the house cat. This is a Boston Static. Static.

A Boston Static's Static. A Boston Statics house cataract I'll write it down. Yes! I got it across the line. I wore him down. Oh, I mean,

I guess the Boston Statics would also be like a company that just makes robotic homes or like bridges or whatever like that that are... It feels like they still are dynamic in a way. Why?

Because, well, I was picturing a moving bridge. I just realised. I suppose if you change what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah, you hadn't thought about that. You should have built this sentence to be able to withstand being taken out of context, Alistair.

Honestly. Like, how could you have a robotic house that doesn't move? What makes it robotic exactly, I guess? Yeah. I mean, that's it, isn't it? I mean, you know, I guess if it talks, do we consider that to be a robot? Kind of we do these days, don't we? Yeah, I guess we talk about, you know, Siri being a kind of robot voice.

I guess, you know, it could just be a bunch of senses. It could alert you, alert you to dangers. It could be electrified. It could... Alert to the hurt. You know, a house that has a wall you can make love to. Yeah. I mean, it's just a regular white wall, but...

Yeah, wow. White wall, eh? but yeah wow white wall eh what that's there's nothing there don't even repeat it like that it's just you know it's just a regular but you can make love to it and then

how would you make love to it how would you if it's just a regular wall that you can make love to it. And then picture this. How would you make love to it? How would you? And what would, like, if it's just a regular wall that you can make love to, what is it that distinguishes it from a regular wall that you can't make love to? The marketing. Marketing. The marketing. It's a wall.

This is the first wall that is capable of giving consent. And that is what makes all the difference. Yeah. It's a wall that just has the word yes written on it. That doesn't feel like consent to me. No? Okay. Enthusiastic yes. But I think in order to be able to give consent,

the wall would have to also be able to say no, right? Otherwise it has no meaning, you know? That's my feeling. But it's a wall that was built to be made, had love made to it, and then it says yes on it. That's what makes it consent. Yeah, I don't feel good about it.

Andy. And I don't think it's making love. I think if the wall has been built specifically for this one purpose, I don't think that what you're doing to that wall is love. Andy, you bring what you want to bring to it. It can be love. How dare you? No, I mean, I don't think, you know, I think, I mean,

I feel that this is possibly the thing at the heart of A Midsummer Night's Dream, you know, the question of, like, these people are under a spell to make them fall in love with somebody in the enchanted forest. But is it truly love if they don't have a choice? I'm not saying that the wall experiences love. uber eats but meatballs and mozzarella balls yes we can deliver that uber eats get almost almost anything order now product availability may vary by region see app for details yeah i i i think the the making the making of the love yeah is it is a two-way thing i think it has to be well andy andy if i mean if you want to, if you just want to root the wall, Alistair,

that's a different question. No, no, no. This is a love-making wall. This is not a rooting wall. This is a love-making wall. I think if two people are making love, then each person is making half a love. And I think that a fraction of a love is still love.

Wow, it's like a fractal. It's love all the way down. Yeah, it's love all the way down. The smallest unit of love is love. I guess that's beautiful in a way. Because how could people self-love? How could people love themselves? Well, no, I think that works.

Because you're giving and I think that works. Yeah. Because you're giving and receiving in that way. And then you're... So could you see this wall? Would it help you, Andy, see this wall as a wall that helps facilitate self-love? Yeah, I guess so. Like one of those table tennis sets where you fold the other side up

and you just hit against that. Is that not tennis to you? Table tennis to you? Oh, you can't make table tennis with just one wall folded up. You can be love all in your table tennis. The other day, this is pretty... It was the thought of...

I had while I was walking, which was the idea of some Christian porn. Where it's like, and then this is what entered my mind. Kiss my mouth, kiss my mouth, kiss my mouth, kiss my mouth. Oh. Oh, you hug me so good, baby. Oh, yeah. Put your finger in this engagement ring. Oh yeah Put your finger in this

Engagement ring Spitting on their hand In order to hold hands Yeah Yeah Spitting on their finger To put the wedding ring on Well yeah I guess maybe But also You know Yeah, spitting on their finger to put the wedding ring on.

Well, yeah, I guess maybe... But also, you know, I guess maybe smearing lubricant all over their hands so that their fingers are able to interlock more. Imagine the priests spitting on their fingers while they're getting married. Oh, wow. That'd be a great That'd be a great To uncover that That Christian tradition Of like

If the wedding ring wasn't fitting On the day Yeah Then it would be up to the priest. It's more of a tradition to have a smaller ring so that the priest can do it, you know? Because once the spit dries, then it really locks it in position. Yeah, but also the priest is God, is God's representative. That's right. It's actually God spitting on your hand, on your fingers.

Bringing them together. Isn't that nice? Maybe the priest puts your whole finger in his mouth. And then takes it out and then slides the ring on. Maybe you get one of those priests

and what he does is he puts the rings in his mouth. He puts both the rings in his mouth, right? Holds them there, I guess, between his teeth. Sure. And you both put your fingers into his mouth through the ring. I think at the same time is nice. At the same time, yeah. Yeah.

What about your pinkies? Or do you have to hold your pinky back? And do that kind of hand motion that looks almost like a fuck you, you know? You can be convinced just at a glance when you're holding that one finger up, the ring finger. Oh, isn't that great? Kids love to use that move. A little bit of deception. Did we ever decide what that

finger means? Does that mean anything on its own, that one? Not by itself, I don't think, but I don't think any of them mean anything other than the middle finger when they're held up by themselves. I guess in the thumbs up, you know. Yeah, but you don't show it like the back. The pointer finger, you're probably pointing.

It's hard to show the back. You almost can't. Well, you can. Of course you can. You're just showing show the back. You almost can't. Well, you can. Of course you can. You just show it. Yeah, but you almost can't. Yes, and it's another way of saying that you can. I'm trying it right now, and I'm trying to bend my thumb around.

Well, you're right, Andy. I can't see it. Point the back of it at people. But you kind of point the fist at yourself, right? Yeah, it's a little bit difficult, but you can definitely do it, right? Yeah, it's a little bit difficult, but you can definitely do it, right? Yeah, I guess you can. Yeah, I do like that priest stuff.

Oh, I wish you could see the finger that I'm holding up at you right now, Alistair. Yeah. I don't know why, but now I'm thinking of in what situation would a taxi driver put something in his mouth that you would, you know? Like, this isn't nothing, but what if taxi drivers kept all their change in their cheeks?

I can imagine that in the future, right, we won't have credit cards and everything will be done through some sort of biorecognition thing. Okay? So we'll be able to detect DNA, presumably. We spit it to each other's hands. Well, all your spanking details

and everything will be associated with that, right? But then we also need to be able to detect. So you store that information, then you need some way to detect it. And why can't we augment the tongue in such a way that the tongue, which is already a very, very sensitive sensing organ, can do all of that DNA analysis for us. And then, yeah, if you wanted to pay for your ride, you just have to put your finger in the taxi driver's mouth

so that he can read the data on your DNA and, you know, it can all be done. I think it makes a lot of sense. Oh, yeah. I think that would be nice, yeah. But I think it would be nice to use your index finger and that he makes a kind of circle with his lips like that when it's time to pay and then you just slip your index finger all the way to the knuckle i mean maybe you know maybe it would be better if it was a robotic taxi driver i suppose you know i guess that's also doable

might be able to get away with it in some way more still be weird It would still be weird, which I feel like is something that you would like about this. It's slight weird, but... I mean, yeah, I guess I like the idea that it's a man as well, or a woman. And that they do it because they go, this is actually the safest thing for us. Wow. Maybe they have a little

device that you can stick your finger in that cleans it. Just kind of like one of those electric pencil sharpeners, but it's just in the dash. I feel like that thing would be pretty filthy. It cleans it. Yeah,

but everybody's putting their fingers in there. I know, but that's... It cleans them in there and it sanitizes everything. Like that. You put your finger in there and you put your finger in his mouth. And Andy, before you suggest that they

could just put the sensor in the clean finger... I would never suggest that. Yeah, don't... I would never I would never suggest that yeah great I don't want to take any of this away from you before when you said that thing about Christian pornography I was thinking

about like the first thing I thought was like people buying it in the hope that it would be, you know, very sort of appropriate for Christians. But then you get it home and you put it in, and it's just Jesus Christ having just regular, incredibly graphic pornography sex. Sure, it's God fingering his own butthole.

Just an old man in a robe exploring his body. I hope my children never listen to this part of this episode. Isn't it interesting that our kids are only like, you know, maybe eight, six, eight years away from really being able to understand most things that are in these podcasts. Nobody's ever going to listen to this podcast, Alistair. That's what we have to tell ourselves. Nobody that we're related to. Not even our regular listeners who we respect too much to take this off them.

To put them through this. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think the Christian porn is nice because I think, I mean, if porn is nice because I think if God is watching us it's only fair that we should get to watch him it's your turn to get to watch me

I'm just trying to be fair Andy you can't say fairer than that Alistair, how many sketch ideas have we written down? Oh my god. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... Oh no, 8. Do you think that means we should go to three words from a listener?

I think that means that we're compelled to. Okay, well today's listener, and I don't know if you know this, but we have listeners. And some of them support us on Patreon. And if any of you do, please feel free to send us three words from a listener, maybe you. But feel free to send us three words that you say come from another listener. And we'll believe you. And we'll believe you.

And we'll rate it as if it is from that person. Anyway, today's listener is james roy james roy hi james roy or is it james ray we don't know at this point but james has sent through three words and thank you james. Each one of them, I would say, are guessable. They're pretty guessable words. Like you know all of these words. Okay. Great. That actually makes it harder.

Now I'm going to overthink it. Okay, the first word is trestle. Oh, Andy. Do you know trestle? The word trestle? It feels like you broke the one rule i gave the one hint i gave you anyway the first word is not trestle it is flower flower i feel like that's close um flower f-l-o-w-e-r yeah okay then the second word is flower, but spelled F-L-O-U-R. That is incorrect.

Damn. The second word is pot. Flower, pot. Flower, pot, head. Flower, pot, head. Flower pot head. Oh, that's a good guess. It's very incorrect. But the things that this word describes do have heads.

It is flower pot men. Flower pot men. You know what? That crossed my mind. Flower pot men. Yeah, because I think Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Man. That's a thing, right? What's that?

That was a kid's TV show. Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Man. What was it? I don't know it. I think it was a stop-motion animated, probably British. Oh, yeah. Children's TV thing. Oh, it's awful.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's horrible thing. Oh, it's awful. Possibly. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, yeah, but I mean, their bodies, I like the way that their bodies could be dirt. You know, like they've got that kind of like pot exoskeleton. Yeah, I guess their internal organs are dirt. They have a sort of a dirt microbiome going on. Probably like earthworms crawling around in there.

It's a root system that holds them together. You know, they're held together in the same way that sort of like, you know, hills that don't landslide are held together. Hills that don't landslide. You know what I mean? Or dunes. Yeah, right. You know, like dunes, like anything where there's, you know, any hill that hasn't undergone a landslide

is probably because it's being held together relatively well from the root systems underneath. That's right. You're absolutely right. Yes, I see what you're saying. And you think that that's what's holding them together as well? Well, I would say so, I guess, because if you've got a lot of loose dirt in your torso,

you've got to rely on that. It's essentially a vein system. Yeah. I guess erosion would be their version of osteoporosis. I'm not sure. I mean, I haven't... Yeah, I guess... Haven't thought enough about the...

Yeah, I mean, I guess it'd be like... World building. Eczema as well. Eczema, because, you know, like, it would kind of get dry and then flake away. Getting flaked off. Yeah, totally. But then they've got that pot bit.

Yeah, which I guess is just... Flower, pot, men. Terracotta. Terracotta. I mean, what if... You got, you know, let's imagine a world in which we never progressed past terracotta. Sure. So this is my terracotta core or terracotta punk universe.

Terracotta tables, terracotta cars. Yes, indeed. And then I was imagining a terracotta version of Robocop, right? Terracopper. Terracopper. That's what he would be called in the movie. Robo-Terracopper. No, you overdid it. Okay.

You overdid it. You should have stopped. Sorry. Sorry. did it. Okay. You over did it. You should have stopped. Sorry. Sorry. But of course he'd still be very fragile. He'd shatter all the time. Yeah, yeah, but would he

have like a terracotta helmet or something like that? I guess he'd still be quite hard. You know, he could certainly punch you very effectively. And so does he have like human flesh coming out of the holes in the terracotta pot? Yeah, I think so. Maybe some fingers and stuff poking out there. And so he's got regular legs and stuff like that,

and he's just got a regular head. Does he wear a terracotta helmet? He probably has a terracotta helmet on, yes. Probably made on a potting wheel. It's all done by the highest tech ceramicists in all the land. Yeah, a very high tech ceramic. It's actually all ceramic and all terracotta is actually on the same level, but a lot of it is just marketing that makes some seem better than others.

Really? Oh, that's fascinating. Anyway, terracotta. But I think terracotta punk does make me... I would love it. I think it would have a great aesthetic. I love the colour of terracotta, and I'd love to see it

sort of throughout this world. Yeah. Well, I mean, we could found a new town and make it a terracotta town. Sure. You know, I mean, if only one of us owned a bit of land where we could experiment with new towns. Where the ground is rich with clay. Is the ground rich with clay? Almost entirely clay.

It's real. It's all clay. I've been thinking about getting some of it and using it to make pots. Yeah, but does it have arsenic or whatever in it because of the water nearby that is full of arsenic? Yeah, of course. I found out, Alistair, you're wrong. It's not arsenic.

It's cyanide. I found an old map that shows me exactly where the cyanide plant was. And it's not on my property. In fact, it's almost 100 meters away. So I don't know why you're getting so worked up about this. I thought it was all in the water. Yeah, but there was a plant where they made it.

Yeah. It had to be manufactured somewhere. Yeah, but they didn't put it in the water? No, it's in the water as well. Yeah, of course it's in the water. Could you just get some water tested just to see? Yeah, I'm going to. Could you test some soil just at your house?

I suppose. I mean, there's a certain amount that I don't want to know. Could you test the air that enters your home? Could you test the air that enters your home? Could you test your children? Could you test the water that you drink? I genuinely want you to just check. Yeah, sure. Terracottages, that's what

we'd call them. Oh, of course, yes. And then you have your own currency. Terra-dollars. That doesn't quite work as well. But they'd be big, heavy slabs. The Terra-euro? Terra-yen. Terra-cott-yen. Terra Yen. Terra Kot Yen.

And then you would... It's basically like really old school money, like money that you can break. And you go, oh, sorry, did you break that one? Oh, well, we can't accept that. You know, you love a horror movie in which they've modified one of the words to put a scary word in there.

So, obviously, you could make a movie called Terracotta, right? I guess. Where it's T-E-R-R-O-R-C-O-T-T-A. Of course. And I guess this is sort of a a a a sort of maybe bill and maybe if bill and ben the flowerpot men like like winnie the pooh is now in the public domain we could make our version of the uh the uh winnie the pooh blood and Honey horror film that's just come out that everybody says is crap, right? But we'll make Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men terracotta.

Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Murderers. I love this scene. Bad men. Bad men? That's right. Bad men. Mad men? That's right. Bad men. I said bad men. Oh, bad men.

Bad men. Terracotta. Bad Bill and Bad Ben. The bad men. Bad flower pot men. Bad Bill and Bad Ben. The bad men. Right.

In Terracotta. Oh, God. This is nothing. Terracotta, as a name, is something, right? And I think if we could find a way to make a parody horror film that explores the untapped scary potential of unglazed clay pots, I think we'd really be onto something. I'd be into that, Andy.

I'd be into that. I think that we're going to have to revisit this at some point. Were golems made from clay they're kind of like yeah there was a clay golem you know and uh you know and uh i feel like there's probably a market for wholesome horror you know horror but with an h on the front, horror? Like wholesome is spelt with an F. Oh, top of you. Horror, I mean, with a W. God, it really took me a lot of thinking to try to understand that. And you did it, Alistair.

I'm amazed. I was willing to let you go and just figure out along the way. Horror, but with an H. With an H. Where? Where would you put the H? Jesus Christ H instead of the two R's Do you reckon we're going to back this up

And do another podcast directly after? Oh I don't know Andy My brain's already not functioning all that well But we'll see Yeah I haven't been doing so good I reckon we've Should I take us through the sketch ideas? Yeah sure I'm looking

forward to this. Oh my god. Look, this is not starting to mess, but spoon throwers. I mean, what would it have to be? Instead of you're strapped to a slowly rotating wooden board, right, as the person throws the knives at you.

This time, you're lying down, right? On a bowl of soup. On a slowly rotating bowl of soup. Blooch. Blooch. Yeah. And then there's the Simon Cowell of podcast starts the first boy pod. Pod stars.

Imagine this. A podcast, but it's all men. Yeah. It's all boys. That's what I felt like the joke was there, yeah. Yeah. Get into dog fighting to distract people from your new bald spot. We've got letters versus numbers war.

You know that TV show Letters and Numbers? Letters or Numbers. I'm sorry, there can only be one. Or A. I don't. There can only be one. Or A. I don't like it when they cross streams. And then there's Boston Statics House Cat. Boston Statics is very funny. I know I said it, but I like it a lot.

Yeah, it's good. I was almost there, too, when you said it. I was like about to. Yeah, I know. Thank you. I was almost there too when you said it. I was like about to. I know, I know. Thank you. It doesn't matter if you win by a minute or a millisecond, Alistair. You're right, Vin. Winning is winning.

And I'm here to win. That's right. I'm here to win art. The first wall you can make love to. Oh, that got written down, didn't it? Andy, I wrote down spoon throwing. And there's Christian

porn. And then there's finger scanning taxi mouth. Oh, kiss me on the mouth. Kiss me on the mouth. Oh, kiss me on my mouth. Oh, kiss my mouth, kiss my mouth, kiss my mouth, kiss my mouth. Oh, kiss me on my mouth. Oh, kiss my mouth. Kiss my mouth. Kiss my mouth. Kiss my mouth. Oh, yeah, I'm going to build you a barn. And then we got a finger.

Oh, no, we got that. Terracopper. This is from the terracotta punk world. And terracotta. Very good. Those are all great. We did it, Andy. Finishing strong.

Right. Well, I guess we'll keep going. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much for everything thank you everywhere thank you for right now absolutely everything um i would like to mention that i appeared on the mixtaping identity podcast wow has just been released today, Mix Taping Identity. And that's where guests come on and they answer a bunch of questions about a bunch of songs that they, you know, like what's a song that they liked immediately? What's a song that took them a long time?

What's a song that reminds them of somebody? What's a song that reminds them of somebody what's a cover that they love things like that and you kind of build a little bit about uh who you are through this taste in music um and it's uh very fun so uh please listen to that it's a yeah sounds. Yeah, sounds great. Yeah. And I have done another podcast, but it hasn't been released yet, so I will wait for the next episode. But Alistair, you and I were both on

Who Knew It with Matt Stewart that came out relatively recently. Yeah, we were both on Who Knew It with Matt Stewart and it was a very fun podcast. Very good. With Jess Perkins.

Yes, that was a very fun time too. Official good egg. Yeah, a very good egg too. Official good egg. Yeah, a very good egg. But still an egg. Still an egg though, so yeah, don't give them that much credit.

So I guess we better go then. And we love you. Toodles. Bye. Bye.