Two In The Think Tank - 389 - "UFC GAS"

Episode Date: July 15, 2023

Sketches TBCGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereEffervescent apologies to George for the production on this one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas.

I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchell. And you know this about us, we're roast guys. We're big roast guys. I think we signed an NDA. We're technically not roast guys. Andy, do we sign it? I think we signed an NDA. We're technically not roast guys. You know us. We're guys. Wink, wink.

Yeah. No, I was just referring. Do you think we did? Did we sign an NDA? I didn't read it. We signed something. And he's already laying out his defence. I signed a no details agreement,

which means I signed it without knowing any of the details. I'm not reading anything about this. That's how I like to keep it, you know? This is how seriously I take the NDA. I didn't even disclose the details of it to myself. Yeah, that's really good. I mean, I actually... And then I went and signed a blank piece of paper

to represent how much I took in and exactly what I was saying. And to be honest, another one I didn't sign to represent the fact I didn't even look at my own signature. Invisible ink. Alastair. Candy, you've heard of invisible ink. How about this?

Yes. Invisible sink. Oh, no. It's a spy. It's a spy. It's a guy who sold invisible ink. It's a spy kitchen. It's the guy.

One of those new spy kitchens. We call it invisible sink. It's a spy kitchen. It's the guy... One of those new spy kitchens. We call it Invisible Inc. It's a spy kitchen cooking show. Oh, really? Great. This is the best idea we've ever had. The podcast is finally kicking into gear. I'm writing it down already.

You couldn't come at a better time. I'm writing it down even before we figure out what it is. Spy kitchen. Spy kitchen. They're cooking appliances. You know, for, well, spies have got to eat as well. Yeah. You know, they don't just need to, you know, shoot bullets out of, you know, pens and stuff. Yeah.

They need to eat. Sure. Some pens are guns, but some pens are a Mars bar. It's a pen. You click the button, out of the end comes a little whisk. Yeah, it has a little bit like a Twiggy stick, you know, like one of those meat sausages.

You can eat the nib. Eat the lead, yeah. Or you can write instead of salami grease. I take it back. This is the best idea we've ever had. Yeah, it's already written down. Oh, great.

I'm dining at Q's tonight. Is that... I'll tell you. I thought you were changing the letter in order to make it funny. I thought you said... Because it might be like, I'm dining at K's tonight.

K for kitchen. Yeah, that would have been really funny if I'd done that. I wish I had. But I didn't have the presence of mind to make that great joke. You're not taking in any information. That's part of the NDA.

NDA. Interesting, isn't it? Yes. Same letters as DNA. And the word and. And it's all letters organized in a different order. NADS. I signed it NAD. organized in a different order. And NADs. N-A-D. I signed an N-A-D.

And that's all right. I wrote on my balls. It's not a joke. Not a joke. Not even interesting. So did you sign the N-D-A? No, I signed an N-I-D. Did our accountant, did the producer get you to sign an NDA?

No, he got me to sign an NAD. He took down his pants and he said, right on my balls. I autographed his testicle. All right. Oh, okay. Here we go. Alistair, he's a fun game that I like to play with my children. Right?

Yeah. It's called The Floor Isn't Lava. Yeah. Right. And what I do, and they like this, and your kids might like this, and if you're listening at home and you're not Alistair, your kids might like this as well. It's where at home and you're not Alistair, your kids might like this as well. It's where you start to panic that the floor isn't lava, right?

Ah! Ah! There's no lava! I've fallen into no lava! And then you start screaming about having no lava all over you and it's not burning your body, and it's really funny. That is funny. That is really funny. You know something I've been thinking about lava is because the rock is a liquid when it's lava. Right?

Yeah. So that means that part of the, I think a big part of the yuckiness of falling into lava is yeah, sure you're burning, but also you're soaking wet. And that's really uncomfortable. Oh, I'm all wet. I am sodden.

I am saturated. I am sopping. I am sopping wet. Come here. Let me get you a towel. I think it's one of those dry kinds of wets. It's a dry wet. It's a very dry wet.

Like when you fall into a vat of Sauvignon Blanc. Hang on. You fall into a vat of Sauvignon Blanc. It's dry? Yeah. It's a dry wet. Maybe that's what dry cleaning is. Do you think that's what dry cleaning is?

Yes, yes. They use Chardonnay. I spilled some wine on my shirt the other day, and I had to take it to the dry cleaners because it was a Sauvignon Blanc. Doesn't make any sense. I mean, no, no, no. I thought you were saying

that they would just put Sauvignon Blanc on your shirt. Yeah, well, I was originally saying that, but then I was thinking, well, maybe it would be better if it's the dry cleaners.

They only clean dry wines out of your clothes. A dry white wine, but probably wouldn't need to clean a white wine out anyway. If it was just a drama based entirely on this premise where somebody gets something on their shirt and they take it to the dry cleaners and then they pour a bottle of white wine on their shirt while it's there.

And they said, what are you doing? He said, well, this is a dry cleaner. So it's a very stupid idea, right? Yeah, but you put it in a drama. Yeah. Suddenly that's interesting to me. I don't know, yeah. I think I'm done with comedy.

I think I'm going to do drama from now on. Yeah, right. But I'm going to do... Maybe there should be a drama. We come up with five ideas for conflicts. No, but I think... We come up with five motivating conflicts conflicts. We come up with five motivating conflicts. Two in the thank tank.

No, sorry, that's not... That didn't change anything. Two in the dramaturgical society room. Oh, you know what I thought of today? Just before? I saw Andy earlier today. Me and Andy were I saw Andy earlier today.

Me and Andy were in the same state today. Yeah, we convened. But now we're far away again. We got together so that we could separate and do the podcast. But you know, you've heard of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, right? Oh, yes. You were aware of that? No. Well, I'm in the willy nilly silly billy camille

that i mean you know i went on such a journey with that, Alistair, because I was having a wonderful time with the willy-nilly silly Billy. Yeah. Right? And then when the next word was Camilli, I almost didn't hear it because my brain was like, oh, he'll probably just say some word that means committee but that rhymes with silly Billy. And I trusted you that you would have done that, right? And then my brain processed it and said, hang on,

he's just said the word committee with Camilliia there everything else in the sentence worked so incredibly well and the beautiful rhyming scheme and then he's he's cheated with the last word and then my brain said but that's the kind of thing a willy nilly silly billy would do and i was back on board yeah it's uh you think you think that's a shirt? The willy-nilly silly billy-kabilly. Yeah, I think it is. I think this is the moment for such a parody of the itty-bitty-titty-kabitty. That concept.

Which, I mean, what is that? What does it actually mean? I mean, we all know the phrase, and we're all using it on a daily basis. No, but I think it's an actual organization. Really? I think they convene. Do you think they have an AGM? I think they do convene sometimes, and like, have a sort of... They have business.

Yeah, they have, like... They take minutes and... They have, like, a board, you know? Like a flat board that they meet at. Yeah. They have a... Hang on. The boardroom table.

No, but I think that they're like an organization. What's the Israeli intelligence agency there? Mossad? Yeah, they're like Mossad. All right. I think La Femme Nikita was a part of them. And there was another one. There was another assassin that they've caught, was part of them.

But I think they do things, and they might, you know, they might sort of attack people who speak ill. Are they a bit like the G8? Can you sort of lobby to become a part of the itty-bitty-titty committee? And then does that give you a seat at the table? Yeah. And a bit of lobbying power. Yeah, at the board?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what? It would be a real shame to discover that the itty-bitty-titty committee had become corrupted like FIFA. And people were able to basically buy their way onto the Itty Bitty Titty Committee despite not having Itty Bitty Titties. Sure, yeah. And sort of undermining the entire raison d'etre of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

Well, I guess in the end, you know, that's capitalism. Even something as pure as an Itty Bitty Titty Committee eventually becomes about the money. And it's just about people who know how to move money around and, you know, make money for other people. Yeah. Should I write this down? Who is it?

Yeah. I mean, I would like to think that the Itty Bitty Titty Committee would ensure its integrity by having an Itty-bitty integrity committee. Yeah, an itty-bitty titty committee integrity committee? Sure. Yeah, itty-bitty titty, itty-bitty integrity committee. Yeah, who works within the organisation, almost like the cops who investigate the cops

or the ICAC over here that we have to stamp out that kind of corruption Andy, already I can write down the title Itty Bitty Integrity Committee and already that fixes

the horrible, awkward tension that there is with the Itty Bitty Titty Committee being such a thing that makes me feel a tiny bit awkward, even though I enjoy speaking about it. Yeah. It's one of those things that is so fun to say. Exactly. That I think it's okay. Exactly. That I think it's okay.

It's one of those ones where we get so much joy from just saying the words that even if somebody was offended and really quite hurt and had their psyche damaged by it, I still think the total amount of good in the world would be at least stable, if not slightly better. Yeah, exactly. I think it probably takes some carbon out of the air every time you say it. I don't know why I think that.

Surely, surely. I feel like, yeah, I think it's all the hard consonants in there. I feel like clicking your fingers probably takes carbon out of the air. Yeah. You can't tell me that when I do that, I'm not at least breaking a few bonds. The air molecules between my fingers, right? I must be splitting some carbon dioxide

into just carbon and oxygen. At least mushing a few carbon dioxides together so that they become heavier than air and they have to fall to the ground. Essentially sequestered.

You know? They're not like a solid state but they're essentially they become a heavy gas and they just stay

at your feet and nobody really cares if your feet get hot. Is anybody looking into that?

Into making a new gas that we could put into the atmosphere that might not necessarily react with the carbon dioxide, but that would sort of grab it in some way, like into a sort of submission hold, and make it fall to the ground? That's really interesting. We could call it like

cane-tothanol. Yeah. Cane-tothanol. Yeah. Canetothanol. You know, just like a one... It's a great name. Yeah. You know, it's just like one thing that you could just put in there and it fixes all your problems.

So what's this called? Your idea was... It's my new gas. It's my new... A new gas. And the slogan for this gas is choke out carbon dioxide. Choke out CO2. Do you think we're at the point now where we can just call climate change CC?

CC? Yeah. Ah, there's chips. That's the chips. Okay, right. Damn. They'd hate that. They would hate that. They'd hate being synonymous the chips. Okay, right. Damn. They'd hate that. They would hate that.

They'd hate being synonymous with that. After climate change. Yeah, I mean, I think they've already failed, right? They've been defeated by Doritos. You barely ever see them. They're like doing worse than Pepsi. Why are there no square chips? We've got triangular chips and we've got round chips.

I've seen some rectangular chips. I've seen some rectangular chips, but that wasn't my question, was it? Why are there no fucking square chips? Well, squares are rectangles. And so I was getting close, you know. I was walking around what you were talking about. Rectangles are not squares. No, I know that.

Yeah. Thank you. I know that. I understand. Wait. Was there something else? Wait, a new gas? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thank you. I know that. I understand. Wait. Was there something else? Wait, a new gas that chokes out carbon dioxide? Yeah.

Somebody's got to be looking at that. Like, I think, you know, we got into this business by messing with forces we did not understand. Yeah. And I feel like that might be the way that we get out as well. What's interesting, Andy, is that actually this would be a great way, if we could get the Gracie family, right? Now, they're the people who brought jiu-jitsu to the world, right? Really?

There was a Japanese guy who went to brazil and taught these guys this family jujitsu and this gracie family were basically famous for like beating they were like we our family could beat any anybody up no matter what style they are and they started the ufc to have that thing so that they could have all the they could beat Yeah, all the different fighting styles would fight against each other, and they would beat all of them and win. And one of the Gracies did win that very first one. Wow. And so they introduced the world to this groundwork of taking people down

and holding them there and then choking them out. Now, if you could get them to release a gas, UFC is one of the most famous things, and probably a lot of their fans don't even believe in climate change. So this is how you can get that whole part of the population on side. Exactly.

The atmosphere is the octagon. Yeah, getting a Brazilian jiu-jitsu gas somehow. Or, you know, framing it like that. And getting UFC fans to buy it. Getting Joe Rogan on board. Spray it into the air. These are cans that are just made. Remember how sad it was when we couldn't spray CFCs into the air anymore?

What about UFCs? We can finally spray some. These cans are just made for spraying right into the air. You can even hold a lighter in front of them. Oh, wow. That fixes the environment. It's amazing that we could do it with fire. We can fix it with flames and heat.

Yeah. It's really exciting. Anyway. I think there must be something. There must be something, right? It's probably not healthy because if there's something that is so reactive that it'll react with carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, spraying it into the sky is probably going to be bad in some other way.

But again, that's a problem we can deal with, with another gas, another spray. But what about a gas that's super reactive but only to one thing? Like, you know, if it was just for carbon dioxide, like it was just horny for carbon dioxide, maybe only in the presence of a catalyst. Could be.

You know? Is that what happens with catalysts? Like, can you only predict what's going to be a catalyst for things? Like, can you not predict that? Is that what is the question? I do not know. I feel like you must be able to build

some designer catalysts because what do they do? They just help to get molecules together to react at a lower activation energy than they otherwise would. And it arranges them in a certain way, shows them how to make love to each other, guides their bodies.

Like a chaperone. Yes. Well, no, I think that their bodies. Like a chaperone. Yes. The opposite of chaperone. Well, no, I think that's the opposite of a chaperone. How can you change the word chaperone to? You could change it to a chaper-to. You could change it to a slapper-to. Slapper-one.

A fuck-a-ron. A lover-on. I can't do it, Andy. I can't even do it. A casanova-ron. Aan a lover-oan I can't do it Andy I can't even do it a Casanova-roan Casanova-roan a Cupid Cuperone it's not

Cupid doesn't show you how to fuck does he no that's a different that's a different little baby what about a Cupid what about a Cupid

who sticks around oh yes you know what I mean like he gets you yeah and then he actually just sticks around and Oh, yes. You know what I mean? Like, he gets you. Yeah. And then he actually just sticks around. And then he likes to watch. Yeah, now what are you guys going to do?

I think that's really uncomfortable. Yeah, no, you're right. Because a little naked baby with a bow and arrow who shoots people and makes them fall in love, that's fine. But do you remember my... But if he's also a voyeur... Do you remember my little... I had once done an image, a piece of art.

You know, I don't do art very often. But I'd made one, a cutout that was of Cupid as an adult with a kind of a gut. But instead of a bow and arrow, he had two Uzis and sunglasses. That's a really good idea. You know? And I think that Cupid's in the public domain, right? We could make this film. Yeah, I think Cupid's in the public

domain, and he just like mows down people with love. Yeah. Yeah, it's really it's really something i mean what what is what happens there like you know does does cupid hit people because he thinks they would make a great couple or does he just basically like is he an arranged marriage kind of guy it's really interesting because you know if they feel like, is he an arranged marriage kind of guy? It's really interesting because, you know, if they feel like they, if he feels like they would make a good couple and they are compatible, it feels like maybe he's not necessary at all.

It feels like they would have got together anyway. Yeah. So then if it's just getting people together, it's just taking people who are not together and putting them together, then in a way he kind of acts as a thing to help increase population booms and things like that. Does he work for someone? Is he like a force of nature? I guess he was like an algorithm before there was an algorithm. He was like before we had dating apps, we had things that could match you up based on your facebook likes or whatever you know your two questions had to be done by a god that was the only way it's the only way we could get that kind of level of information is cupid a god i think he's a little itty bitty god

but you're making it seem sound like he might not have an algorithm at all. It's just random chance of people who are within his eyesight. I mean, maybe I am making it sound like that. I don't have a good grasp on it, Alistair, but all I want to say is I love your idea of a gritty, an itty-bitty gritty reboot of Cupid. Okay. All right. I reboot of Cupid. Okay. All right.

I'm writing it down. Yes. I mean, I think we're being unimaginative with this sort of IP orgy that we're on at the moment. And we're only really looking at IP from the last hundred years. And I think we should go back. Back to the... You know, like the ancient Greek-averse.

But is there ways of just modernizing some of the ancient Greek things? Can you just take Mount Olympus and the gods and turn them into billionaires or CEOs and stuff? Yeah, of course you can. That's great. That's already great. Yeah?

Yeah. Cupid, he's a billionaire.'s like bruce wayne he doesn't really have magical powers what he does have is an uzi and a lot of um i guess drugs pharmaceuticals that he can shoot into people i mean that is that kind of feels like that's just like a i mean when i found out i watched a I watched – I got as my birthday present one of those maestros from the BBC on Julia Donaldson and her kids' books. And she basically went, yeah, I used to have to work in this thing where we would read old fairy tales and stuff like that. And I just basically have taken a lot of those old stories and turned them into slight variations that's a great i loved hearing that yeah and you go oh so like the one of the most successful people um in kid book writing

is just somebody who you know not steals but basically takes tropes that have worked but you think about what were the, like, you know, before that, what was the icons? The Brothers Grimm, right? Yeah. With their children's fairy tales. What did they do? They just wrote down folk tales that everyone was telling anyway.

Yeah. It's just the same shit. Yeah. What about this? An oozy, no, wait, a woozy floozy with an oozy. Oh, I like that. Yeah. All my ideas are going to be rhyming based.

Yeah, but woozy floozy with an oozy. So it's like. I mean, that's almost what that woman was in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, where she gets up. Remember, she's been unconscious on the couch the entire time. Oh, yeah. And she gets up and kills everybody or shoots at everybody with that Bren gun. The Bren gun.

Is that what they called it? I don't remember. Was that like a double-barreled gun? No, it was a big machine gun type thing. Oh, right. Well, I mean, that is very good. I mean, what about the... Because, I mean, it could just be a revenge story of somebody who's had a date, like a roofie put on her drink.

Yeah. It's really good. I mean, I'm not saying, you know, floozy, you know, I mean, that's derogatory, but we could sort of write her character to be a bit floozy. What about, and then, so there's a guy a guy right who's been mistreating women right um with with with drugs right and uh this girl she tracks him down okay and she's about to um i guess kill him to extract her revenge and he tries to tell her well look you're gonna do this right sure you think that this will make you feel look, you're going to do this, right? Sure, you think that this will make you feel better, but you're going to be haunted by this. He's trying to get out of it, right?

He's trying to talk her down. You're going to be haunted by this action for the rest of your life, okay? You're going to be traumatized by this. Killing me isn't going to solve anything. And then, in the ultimate actor of irony, she then takes a roofie herself, then kills him,

forgets the whole thing, and goes about her life completely unaffected. Andy, that's a great ending to the whole thing. Thank you. Oh, that's good. And it's called Oozy Woozy Floozy. Floozy. Is it because she wrote the title as she was fainting?

Yeah. I like that. But you can't be choosy when you're an oozy. The choosy woozy floozy with an oozy. Confusy. Confusy. Confusey. Confusey takes a roofie at the end. In order to commit a crime.

Crimes. I really want to do something with this idea that we had many pods ago about premeditated murder. idea that we had many pods ago about premeditated murder and while you know meditating is good and doing things in advance that's also good but when you i don't know yeah oh sounds good to me sounds like this person is organized and in touch with the infinite. I had a sketch that I started writing the other day because I was in a car and my phone was out of batteries and then I started working immediately on the things that I'm interested in.

Wow. And it was based off of something I'd seen on the Think Tank list, which was, because I was thinking about trying to make it for like Instagram or whatever like that, but it was the, what's the one drop of blood company there? Theranos. Yeah, it was Theranos,

but we can tell you what mental illness you have based on just collecting a single tear from you. Yeah. Right, and it's a guy trying to sell it. He says, but obviously we're different from Theranos because Theranos tried to

dupe a lot of very powerful backers but we're different in that we don't have any backers. That's great. That's what makes this such a good proposition.

And then there'd be a few other things about this. It would just be like a pen on tissue display. You know, it just looks like

a tissue, but it's actually the display of this thing. But then it kind of ends with the guy kind of saying like,

but look, if you have any work going at all i will take um so it's like this is my picture this is my idea right i'd love for you to invest we're all going to be rich but if you're not interested in that i'll do anything else yeah like painting or weeding your garden yeah well I did say if you do have any chores to do around the house and you pay me, I will come and manage you while you do them. What about this? Yeah. Oh, I will come and manage you? Yeah, I was just saying.

I wasn't listening to what you said, but that's great. Okay, NDA. You've signed an NDA on the podcast. And I don't want you telling anybody about any of these ideas that I'm putting forward. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea and ice cream?

Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Yeah. I think, you know, if you need a boss, I'll take any senior position. Will manage you for food. You know, he's on the street. Will, what's CEO stand for? Chief Executive Officer.

Will, Chief Executive Officer, you're building your business for food. Well, they're sort of, they're basically hobos who go from town to town looking for executive roles. How did you say it? Will manage your company for food? Yeah, something like that. Something like that. I'll tell you what. I'd love somebody who could manage my company, if you know what I'm saying.

That means they could manage being in my presence. I mean, yeah. I mean, isn't that what sort of getting married is all about? Marriage is. She could manage my company. You know. She's the CEO in our relationship because she can manage my company.

Hmm. relationship because she can manage my company. You know, you see long noses on elephants and stuff like that. Oh, man, you do. And this is going to sound like I'm wrong here for a second, but then I'm going to recorrect it so that I'm right. But you don't see long ears. And by that I mean extended ear canals that come out like Shrek. No, but I mean longer, like a trunk. So that you can move it to things and do very specific listening.

Yeah, well, you're almost thinking of like a nature's stethoscope, aren't you? Yes, an audio stethoscope. As I said that, I went, ah, yes, the stethoscope already is audio. As I said that, I went, ah, yes, the stethoscope already is audio. A stethoscope for the ears. Yes. But, you know, we always hear about lions that pick off the sick and the weak. Yes.

But have we experimented with how good their ability to detect sickness is? We're always trying to get dogs that can smell cancer. Yes. What about a lion that if you get, say, 100 people running for their lives, will be able to home in and pick off the one who perhaps has some very early, otherwise undetectable form of melanoma or something like that. Yes. But the only problem is that the way that you pay them for doing this task is they get to eat that person's body.

The diagnosis is worse than the disease. The diagnosis technique. But I feel it's a step in the right direction yeah and once we have this technology it just needs time well they get refined they get the relief of knowing that you know getting a diagnosis an early diagnosis is very important very important and it's good to catch it early as indeed they will be caught early caught early in the race because the doctor doesn't have very much stamina and so he has to catch it early before he gets tired

and so he goes for the easiest prey of all the most sick is the doctor a lion? the doctor is the running man I think he's just The doctor is the running man. I think he's just... The doctor is the running man. No, no, they're all running men and women. A running person can be a woman now.

As indeed can a melanoma victim. Yes, melanoma victim. Yes. Melanoma. Thank God. We saved it, Al. What about a revenge movie? Wait, so what was this one? It's a person who hunts.

Is this too stupid to write down? No, it was using lions and their ability to pick off the sick as a diagnostic tool. I think that's a perfectly valid idea. diagnostic tool. I think that's a perfectly valid idea. Then all you would need is somebody with a tranquiliser bullet or whatever who could tranquilise the lion before it is able to deliver

the fatal blow. Yeah. Whatever they do. It's a very... Oh. That's my dog. Is that your favourite dog? That's my favourite of all my dogs.

He was barking a lot earlier, just before we started the podcast, and I thought, this is going to be bad. And then I heard a meowing sound, and I was like, oh, God, there's a cat under the house. He's somehow been able to tell there's a cat out there because we've had stray cats out there before. He's still barking a lot. Is he still barking?

And then we realized it was our cat. Our cat had got outside. And is he still barking? Hang on, I'll go get him and I will hold him and then he will stop. Bring him closer to the microphone. And then he will stop. Bring him closer to the microphone. So while Andy's getting his mammal,

I will say, oh, I did the Shut Up a Second podcast the other day. And it was a wonderful time and it's been released. So why not go to your favorite podcast searching device and go and listen to that episode. I think I might cry like a baby in it. Not, you know, use that my one trick. Yeah, that is one of your tricks. Yeah, yeah.

That's one of your one tricks. Yeah. That's very impressive. Oh, thank you. You know, it's like Carson said, you'll use everything you know, and you have. Yeah. Very early on. Was that in your first show?

Was that in Undistinguished, the crying like a baby? Probably, yeah. However you do it. You just pinched the back of your throat a little bit more. Don't waste it now. Don't waste it now. I need to give people the... You've got to drive the traffic to the Shut Up A Second podcast.

Drive the traffic away from our podcast. I think we're doing it with a lot of our ideas. It doesn't matter. We're roast guys now. We're roast guys now for undisclosed reasons. Andy, I mean technically we have five sketch ideas so I mean I could, if you'd be interested

go to three words from a listener. I'd be fascinated. Now if you don't know what three words from a listener is Andy, it's a segment of the show where people who support our podcast on Patreon can give us three words.

And do. And do. Give us three words that we could use as inspiration to come up with a sketch idea. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. And today... Fast becoming my favorite segment of the show.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. I'm not against the big body of the show. The thorax's great. Yeah. I'm not, you know, I'm not against the big body of the show. The thorax? What would you call that? The abdomen of the show? You know, I like a big body. Big body of work.

Yeah. Genuinely, like it makes... One of those real, but you tell you what, Mel Brooks, he has one of those real badonkadonk bodies of body of work.

Body of work, yeah. Very ass heavy. I, so today's three words comes from a much more recent joiner of the Patreon, Sev. Sev. Sev. That's right. Sev.

S-E-V. Hope I'm not doxing you, Sev. Might give it away, the spelling. Thank you, Sev. Thank you so much, Sev. Thank you for joining the Patreon. And Sev has sent in three words. Andy, do you want to try and guess what one of those words is?

Okay. One of the three words from Sev the first word is bushy bushy close come on close arbitrary arbitrary well see arbor of course the Latin that's right tree that's what I was I was going to say it's because it had a B in it arbitrary penitentiary is the second word

arbitrary penitentiary no but you know a little bit spirit arbitrary spirit arbitrary do you ever think that you know spirit level level arbitrary spirit level oh Spirit Arbitrary

Do you ever think that, you know Spirit level Level? Arbitrary spirit level Oh No, but for some reason this word does feel level It's medium Arbitrary spirit medium

Right, is this sort of like chat roulette But for seances You know, you never know who you're going to get Yeah, that's interesting And then a lot of the time seances. You never know who you're going to get. Yeah, that's interesting. And then a lot of the time, it's just a dead person describing their genitals to you, I assume. Because that's the only

way in which they can manifest is through their words. Yeah, but then they're kind of like well, firstly, they don't exist. Secondly, and so they're kind of like, they're going, oh, they're hypothetical genitals, hypothetical ghost genitals. Yeah, well, I mean, so I'll be really interested

to find out what form ghosts take when we do finally discover them, whether or not they are that kind of like, they turn just wispy halfway down, and whether or not, are that kind of like they turn just wispy halfway down yeah and whether or not like like a mermaid um you know where the genitals fall in the transition to the wisp whether or not the genitals are above the wispy bit oh oh you mean the little wisp okay like i see what you mean yeah yeah that little you know they tail off into a little sort of... And where does that tail go to? Because it looks like it's going...

It's like it's smoke. It's going back to a source. If you're wondering what we're talking about, it's sort of like the upside down... It's an upside down Mr. Whippy, that taper. When the end of a soft serve ice cream sort of tails off like that.

Or it kind of looks like an ectoplasm tornado. Sometimes it does, yes. And again, I want to find out the details, but then I want to know if the wisp is above or below the genitalia. Because you kind of become a blueprint almost of a person when you become a ghost. Yeah, that's possible. And you're kind of just left with core data for being recognized and things like that. You don't need any of that blood and bone and all that kind of stuff.

But I wonder what the decisions that were made for what body parts you keep like that. Decisions that were made for what body parts you keep like that. You know, why the eyes and the neck and things like that? But why no genitals? Why no feet? I mean, sometimes they have feet. Yes, but never genitals. Yeah. No, I mean, I'd be interested to know whether or not how the idea of what a ghost looks like has changed through time

because the ones that we imagine now a lot of the time are very hologram-like. And that feels sort of like a modern idea that might just have arisen from what we can show on video film, that sort of thing. The idea of a transparent person is probably just something that was made up by a video technician who was like look we can lay the two bits of footage over the top of each

other and there'll be this kind of yeah you know hazy bloke there but then back in the day is that what they were like well some might come from also like things that people think that they've seen in windows and in like of old houses. Yeah, that's true. And reflections are kind of transparent as well, aren't they? Yeah, that is a bit of a camera trick. Yeah, of the eye. And looking longingly out of windows, that's already kind of scary.

What don't you like inside the house that makes you want to look out? It's scary that you don't like your house. Yeah. Oh, my God. Why do you have to look at me? I don't know. This is, in my mind, I was trying to write a bit the other day about, like, you know when you're walking on the footpath and, like,

somebody's, like, gardening in their front yard and they can, I guess they hear you coming and then they turn and look at you? And I was like, I fucking hate that. Yeah, well, you can't fucking... Oh, a bit of reality is happening. I better perceive it. Just keep your eyes to yourself. And then, yeah, what do they want to know?

Just confirming that you're going all the way past their front yard. You're not going to... What are you, worried your ears are now lying to you or something like that? Yeah, it's a person. Who cares? We don't need to make a whole thing out of it. Well, I tell you what, you keep doing what you're doing and I'll just shout when I'm past your front yard,

so you know I'm gone. It doesn't sound like the pace of somebody who's about to... You don't need to watch me the whole way. Yeah. You can look if I start really approaching you. If these footsteps start to speed up, in a sort of terrifying way, get closer.

What about unperceived? I think that is good. Yeah? The unperceived bit. You're right. I've tried some other angles on it that haven't gone anywhere, Alistair. But the idea of being unperceived is, I think, crucial. Yeah.

Yeah. of being unperceived is i think crucial yeah yeah well because it's like if you look at me we then i kind of i probably see you moving so that creates motion in my my eye makes me want to look at you right suddenly now we both have to enter each other's minds sure you know and now you have to think about like, oh, has he got intentions? And I've got to be like, oh, what's he think I want to do? Yeah, and you're also, you know, if you're looking at me, you're creating an image of me in your mind. And you're storing that image in your memory. Yeah. Which is something I didn't agree to.

That's right. And then you can remember that memory whenever you want. Yeah. I don't know what you're going to be doing with my memory, the memory of me. Yeah. And I also don't know where in your memory you're going to be storing that, right?

What other stuff that's going to be next to in your memory? And? What you're filing it under? And you may be making judgments about me and this is what i'm thinking what judgments are you making about me and and writing it into that memory because you may be you know making a judgment based on your first impressions of seeing me and they may be incorrect so that alters my behavior because i'm like oh they're probably going to see me like this right and then But then writing that into memory, that's slander.

Yeah. Well, and it's reductive as well, because what do they remember you as? A guy who walked past their front yard. Who looked like a fuck. And that's all they remember you as. But you're much more than that. I'm more than that.

Yeah. We better not, it's better for us not to perceive each other at all. And not have to go through this whole rigmarole. It is funny that they called them medium though, isn't it? Yeah, the people who get ghosts.

I guess because it's medium like they're a piece of paper on which you could write or whatever. I suppose so, yes. But, you know, suggests that you could go and see a spirit maximum. Yes, I mean, it does, yeah. Or indeed an extra large. Yes.

Or, let's see, small. And what do you picture an extra large being like? I went and saw an extra large recently. I've been trying to contact my father. Yeah, but apparently the signal was so weak that they told me

to see an extra large. You know, I mean, that's something. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely something. It's not hilarious. Oh yeah, it's just a little play on words.

But what did we... Yeah, we didn't really come up with anything for the arbitrary spirit medium. Other than that, obviously. Arbitrary spirit medium. Seance. Yeah. What do you do? You sort of move the Ouija board or you say the first letter of your

name. I'm getting the first letter of their name. I'm getting the smell of their cologne. Yeah, sometimes. I can feel their fingerprint on my neck. Let me draw

it for you. And there's something wrong. He's clutching his arm. Did he have a problem with his arm? He's still clutching his arm. He's clutching his ass. Is it spirit? And he's sort of lifting his knees up and down saying, ouchy my bum bum.

Does that sound like your father? Yes, that's him. Did he have a problem with his bum bum? Did he have a problem? Yes, that's me. He says, me got a boo-boo. He's saying, me got a boo-boo.

Me got a boo-boo on my bum bum. And this is like one of those ones where it's like a big group of people and the guy's cold reading the whole thing. Yeah. I'm seeing the letter H. It could be Hank. It could be Harry. And a few people stand up.

They're like, yes, yes. He goes, oh, he's a man about 5'8". Yes, yes. So a couple people sit down. Now he's clutching his butt and he's jumping up and down saying ouchie ouchie my my bum bum is

sore it's gonna go everywhere I'm gonna do a boo boo on the floor floor I don't know you You know what I mean? Yeah. A couple people sit down

but then a couple other people stay standing up. Two people still standing. That's very funny. And then he's holding, then he's moved his hands to the front and I was like, and my wee-wee, my wee-wee is burning too. One guy sits down.

There's still two still up. My winky. Can you make it better? Can you kiss my winky-winky? My winky-dinky? And then it's two people who say, it could really be either of us.

Well, he says that he loves you and that he was really proud of you. He's happy in heaven. Yeah, he's really happy in heaven. Yeah, he's really happy in heaven. Oh, that's nice. And he says he can feel the diarrhea running down his legs. And he says it's filling up his shoes. And he said he's just got a brand new pair of socks. And they're ruined now.

And he seems really upset. He likes the smell. He says he really likes the smell. Oh, no, that's not my dad. That's not my dad. No, that's not my dad. Anyway. He hated the smell.

That's very funny. Yeah, I was wondering if it was going to be that, like, the spirit medium or whatever, first they isolated and they find the person, the one person in the crowd, and then they just start describing the embarrassing things about their father. And then they go on to the next person and do the same thing. And I guess, I don't know.

But I think mine's maybe a bit more obvious and I think yours is more absurd. Yeah, but I do like yours has much more of a simplicity to it. We're kind of creating this system where people stand up when they're hearing something that they recognize and then sitting down when something rules them out. I love it. Yeah, great. um i love it yeah great um this is nothing but but something that i like that hux does that we're kind of like not correcting yet it's just my kid who just turned three um is that when he instead

of saying like i want or you know i'm going to he still says my oh and it's like those cute cute little things that back in the day I would have tried to be like, let's say it properly. But now you're like, don't you ever start talking normally. This is my last shot at hearing a cute kid talking in a funny way. So he's always like, no, my want to do it. No, my want to do it. I'm going to raise him as a himbo. Yeah. Our little boy, Remy, he says two cute things. He says, stummy ache instead of tummy ache, which I think makes sense. You know, stomach?

Yeah. You know, it's your stummy. And he also says, instead of cowabunga dude, which we say a lot around the house, he says hang a barber dude. Hang a barber. Hang a barber dude. That does sound like a great Australian version. That's what I've just started saying. Australian version.

Oh, well, in America it was cowabunga, but in Australia it's hang a barber. Hang a barber, yeah. Fellow. Hang a barber, yeah. Fellow. Hang a barber, fellow. Mate. Hang a barber, mate. Hang a barber, mate. Yeah.

I love things that sound like sayings. Anyway. Well, it could be something. We probably need to wrap this episode up, so let me take you through the sketch ideas. Well, we got the spy kitchen cooking show i was really interested in the idea of an invisible sink right and the the thing is that you think you you know where the sink is yeah and so you go and you pour out your like your bowl of like leftover wheat bix and and milk and stuff think you're pouring it into the sink and it just

falls onto the ground yeah and this constantly think you're pouring it into the sink and it just falls onto the ground. And just constantly just trying to empty things into the sink. Yeah. They're falling, splashing all over your shoes and floor. Like, I'm really wishing we hadn't gotten that invisible sink. Yeah. But it's good, though. And then we've got, no, I signed an NAD.

Wow. That got written down. signed an NAD. Wow. That got written down. That's really good. Yeah. Then we've got the Itty Bitty Integrity Committee. This is a subcommittee as part of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Internal affairs. Who are an international organization who commit atrocities around the world.

who commit atrocities around the world. I thought they might be more like UNESCO or something and things can be given world heritage status by the itty-bitty. I like to think that they're a bit closer to like Hezbollah. Okay. Where some places consider them like a terrorist organizations and some of them see them as like a like a legitimate it's interesting you know powerful

thing things like that i mean it would be interesting if the itty bitty titty committee did start out as a purely you know peaceful um organization but then within the itty bitty titty committee there are those who believe that the only way to achieve their ends is through violence yeah exactly that's what i thought those ends are i don't i don't really know at this stage we got a new gas for fixing climate change which chokes out carbon and this was has been released by uh the gracie family and sold as a UFC gas, which is to get the rest of the last holdouts who don't believe in climate change, get them on board. Ultimate fluorocarbons.

We got the adult gritty reboot of Cupid. We got the Mount Olympus but ceos billionaires that's you know that's for us i think that's our new tv series that we're about to work it's a big episode you know it'll be like a huge uh prestige tv show about like a rich family or something like that are they all like called called Zeus and stuff? No, no, they're not called Zeus and stuff. Oh, okay. No, I was just trying to describe

succession, just saying. Oh, all right. So that you would laugh, but I didn't get that. But I think this one's more about the network of these people and how they control the world. You know, through their whims.

And they fight amongst each other. This is more about like, kind of like, not the Illuminati, but what actually does control the world with the shifting of the money and all that, you know? Do you think that there is a pornographic parody of Succession called Suck Session?

Yeah, that's really good. I mean, Andy, that would be wrong if it didn't have that. And then what about Suck Sex? Oh, that's Sean. Sean. Suck slash Sean. Sean. Suck slash sex. Sean. S-E-A-N or S-H-A-U-N?

S-H-A-U-N, yeah. Yeah. Like that. Then we have Woozy Floozy with an Uzi, the revenge film. That's good. That's good, too. Well, then we have Will Manage Your Company for Food. Mm-hmm. Sorry, I ran down the words revenge film.

Then we have a person who uses lions to pick, who pick off the sick as a diagnostic tool. I think that was a very clear idea, Andy. Probably the clearest idea we've had. Thank you, Alistair. It felt clear to me. Other than,

except for the medium who finds a ghost who's clutching his butt, saying, saying, We got a big poo-poo. He got a big poo-poo. I got a big poo-poo and my bum-bum is so ouchy. Can you rub my tummy? Yeah.

Anyway, so I think that's it, Andy. That's the whole episode. Can you believe it? Yeah, I almost can. Gosh. This was fun. Do you think we should go into the song bit? Yeah, man.

Hey, flappy, flappy, flappy, flappy, flappy. Alistair and I, if you're thinking of signing up for Patreon to support Two in the Think Tank and the work that we do in the community, which is basically just this, but we might have a bonus episode coming up in which we do a bit of a stock take, Two in the Stock Tank take.

Because we're considering writing a sketch show uh by the end of this you know year maybe and uh and maybe even performing it somewhere in melbourne and so we're going to go through and find some sketches that we would love to do and maybe yes start doing some writing. Yeah. I'm excited about that prospect. Yep, yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep. And we love

you. Bye. Bye. We'll see you next time.