Two In The Think Tank - 390 - "CARGO (PANT) CULT"

Episode Date: July 21, 2023

-, Truth Busters, Bad Friends, Flesh Graffiti, Starvationtarian, Nipple Hydrocarbon Horror, Fancy Computer, Only One One, Cargopant Cult, Indiana Jones and the One ZeroGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereCordless thanks to George for editing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Birchall.

And Andy, we're here to have a hit chit-chat, but have you ever had a chit-chat? A hit chit-chat. This is going to hopefully be a hit chit-chat, but have you ever had a chit-anything else, like a chit-eat? Have you ever had a chit-walk? Well, I mean, does chit only, I mean, a chit walk well i mean does chit does chit only i mean a chit walk that does make sense do you want to go for a little chit walk but but you're talking about a chit only that's what you're talking about right but does it only describe certain types of conversation you know can you have a chit dnm or a chit or it's a modifier and it can modify anything yeah

it could be a chit you're right it could be a chit walk well what's the difference between a chit chat that's true i don't it feels like they're the same thing oh i know but i think a chit chat firstly feels shorter and it feels it feels lighter and more nimble and maybe more fun. So there's a lot of TV chat shows. We're going to have the first TV chit-chat show. Sure. And it's going to seem a lot like a chat show. But there's crucial differences.

Subtle, but crucial. Yeah. It's a bit shorter. It's about two or three minutes shorter. Crucial they are. And while I love knowing the level of cruciality, I feel like we've got to get

down to what it actually is. Is it faster? Is it like on a conveyor belt? You know? Oh, I think it should be. I think chitchat does – you're absolutely right. Chitchat feels like something that you would have on an escalator for as long as it takes to go on an escalator, right? Yeah.

So, I mean, you know, like a sushi train, right? Could you just be talking to people as you go by them? I just had an idea for, I don't know exactly what it is, but it's people who've been trapped together in a cabin in the woods for like four years, okay? And for whatever reason, they still haven't got past chit chat haven't they haven't got any deeper than small talk okay i just think so they're stuck in a cabin in the woods yes i can't leave they've got a supply of food and they've been trapped together these two people

but they still don't know each other very well. It's still very superficial. It's still, you know, ooh, cold today or where'd you get that hat? They haven't scratched the surface. I think you're talking about what many people's marriages have been over history. Sure. I think what you're describing is male friendship. Andy, you know that's not true. You know that's not true.

You're just playing into stereotypes for comedic effect. And you know what? I'm not going to fall for it. I saw in the street the other day, I saw two two guys having a chat right and they were friends yeah i don't i don't think they were more than friends i don't think they were in a relationship yeah i'm pretty sure right but they were very intimate the way that you know they had their arms around each other yeah and they were like in this sort of conspiratorial huddle almost and laughing and enjoying the conversation and i thought it looked really great so how do you know that they were just friends well i think that the two women who were behind them also talking were their wives right and i'm sorry if i'm wrong about that if i've assumed things in the wrong way but i was looking at this conversation it seemed like two very close friends but who were also comfortable being in physical contact with each other and it did it it really

it really moved me i thought that's that is amazing that's not something you really get in male friendships i mean they might be and i felt jealous they might be conjoined twins they could join non-identical twins. This is a great topic for a Mythbusters type show, right? Or, you know, we're going to investigate. There's a rumour of a male friendship where the two guys are very comfortable being in physical contact with each other. But on our show, we set out and we investigate that paranormal sighting and we debunk it.

We prove that they're actually conjoined twins and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and be like, ah, it's like the X-Files. There's a reasonable, rational, scientific explanation for this that has nothing to do. It gives me an idea which is it's called truth busters you find things that are actually true and then you find other explanations for them they're true but i don't want them to be true oh yuck don't want to be true

um you can here's a little story you can tell yourself so that your worldview isn't affected in any way. It's called a convenient lie. It's the opposite of an inconvenient truth. A comfortable falsehood. It's called a comfortable falsehood um now i have to go back to this idea that you brought up before because i didn't write it down because i don't think that there's any comedy in it yet um yeah okay now two people are in a cabin right now so and then we have to somehow show that they've been in there for four years and they're going how's the weather but then we also have to somehow make it seem like

like they don't we'd like like we have to make it clear they never talk about anything else yeah yeah so that's tricky isn't it to make it clear that they're not talking about something talking about something yeah i think that is hard like yeah and and i think while the concept of people's a relationship never developing you know it's kind of like you know it's essentially like somebody who's very short right it's like laughing at someone who's very short you know they just never grew any further it's a relationship of small stature it's it's um it's stunted it's in a state that's right they were smoking too much yeah and they got stuck in a chit chat uh you know in a chit chat uh stage of the of the relationship and they and they stunted its growth i mean i don't know i mean like yeah go it well i'm thinking about like you know people talk about getting in the friend zone you know

when you want to be in a in a um conversation in a relationship with somebody if you'd like your relationship to go further there's this toxic idea of being friend-zoned. Well, these guys haven't even made it into the friend zone, right? They're still acquaintance-zoned or stranger-zoned even though they're in this situation. And the will-they-won't-they tension of their narrative is not a will-they-won't they sex sex thing will they become acquaintances yeah well will they have a ever have a um yeah get anywhere their conversation i can't describe this anymore it's a will they won't

but it's about anal sex it's a couple it's about anal sex. It's a couple. It's Ross and Rachel and they've done everything else. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. The audience is just on the edges of their seat wondering whether or not Jennifer will eventually peg Ross or whether Ross will eventually peg Rachel, he will wear a strap-on.

Yeah, I think that's great, isn't it? All the water cooler conversation around the table. I mean, of course, there will be the episode in which they eventually do seal the deal, right? And then after that, there'll be this awkward phase where Ross is – where Ross goes and has anal sex with some other women. Oh, yeah. We were on a –

You know, after they got together. I thought we were on a butt break. I thought we were on a butt break. He's getting married to somebody else is pegging pegging joey for a while do you take emily to as your loving wedding watch and he says anal sex with with rachel oh no oh gosh Rachel. Oh, no. Oh, gosh. I am going to have anal sex with Rachel. Now, what is this? What are you calling this TV show? Friends.

All right. Because it's still called Friends. This is in an alternate universe where Friends kept going. Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Friends is on season 43. Mm-hmm. And they're like, what else can we write about? They're running out of ideas.

what else can we write about they're running out of ideas it's um the one with the butt stuff like that time that guy wrote a 9-11 episode of Seinfeld so this one is the anal episode of friends

the anal sex episode. Write it down, Alistair. Write it down. God, I hope people are listening to this at their ceramics class. They've just dipped back in. The person who once tried to play the podcast of the ceramics class and we were doing some awful, I think it was testicle-based stuff early on in the episode.

No, I think it might have been about long boobs. That's where we kind of came up with the idea of long tit. Long boobs, ah, the long tit. Yeah, right. Okay. Now, they haven't spoken to anybody in the class for the last five years, but now they've just plucked up the courage to put on another episode of Two in the Think Tank, and it's this one.

They haven't learned a thing. No, they're still – and they're in a class, which is the worst bit because they haven't learned a single thing. They haven't learned a single ceramics technique. It was actually a ceramics studio where they made it for work. What? That's okay. I don't understand what you just told me.

I said it was a ceramics studio, like as in instead of a class, they actually made ceramics for a living. Right. And sold them. Yep. Oh oh that's what it was oh okay you're sorry i thought you were tagging it with a comic twist and you were doing the exact opposite you were adding a tag of factual information at the end to remove some of the comedy. You know, yeah. Less than a tag, I was kind of replacing the whole animal, you know, rather than tagging it and then releasing it.

Yeah. When you talk about tagging a joke. Skin tags. You shouldn't be allowed to write information on them. Yeah, you should. You should. I was thinking for me it's like a graffiti tag, you know, and now that we've got that stuff, that spray-on-skin stuff

where you can spray it onto people's burns and that sort of thing and it uses stem cells to help new skin to grow, now people are using that for graffiti out in the streets right they've they've got it in they're shaking up aerosol cans of spray on skin and spraying it onto the walls of of buildings and the side of trams and then skin is growing on there with hair and that sort of thing and they're writing you know obscene stuff or um yeah it's just that it's just the next frontier in graffiti yeah so it's like a living with human skin so it grows hair does that mean that it has the potential to grow a full person

like that is that it was you know like maybe it started as a bit of graffiti but then eventually it grows a face and some legs. I suppose you could spray it all over like a statue or something like that in the city, and then it would have the form of a human man. But then you would have to- But I don't know. For me, I don't know if it forms a sentient being. I would prefer if it was just a layer of skin in the shape of somebody's um somebody's i know you would prefer that andy but you know um this person is here now you've created

them and even though you prefer them to not have graffiti people in your in your town and i understand that you know you rural people are uh less capable of accepting people that have differences. Yes, that's right. But you've created this person and now they're here. And they're a person that is made out of skin and flesh. But they're in the shape of the word bunta. And they have their eyes on the B and they have a foot at the base

of the first O. And they have an arm at the top of the A. Yeah. Or maybe one of the fingers at the bottom of one of the A's and they got another eye at the top of the A. They got a nose on the T. I'm wondering if the work for the doll graffiti removal people, though,

still have to come around and murder these skin graffiti people with axes or machine guns or something as part of their graffiti removal job. I think what happens is a person gets attacked by one of them. One of them jumps off the wall and then attacks it. I think it's probably Bunta. And unless they've got a different name to what they're spelling out, you know, maybe his name is Mark or something like that. It's an alias.

Well, Bunta is, yeah. You don't think Bunta is his Christian name? Well, I don't know. I just don't know. I'm just saying that because your body spells out a word, it doesn't mean that's your name. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? Yes.

I thought you were talking about the graffiti artist was Bunta. Well, the graffiti artist was Bunta. graffiti artist was bunta but then by writing out bunta you would assume that the person who's made out of flesh uh out of the graffiti that's made out of flesh would then be called bunta because his body spells out bunta but of course if i make but i don't think it's i think it's like frankenstein's monster right your uh it's bunta isn't the graffiti right sure bunta is the name of the graffiti artist yeah but you know but this the create the monster is called bunta's graffiti um yes but it's now a person so i don't think you can just refer to it as as graffiti anymore especially once it leaves the wall you can hey plus frankenstein's monster isn't isn't written in the shape of

the word frankenstein isn't like you know what i mean so there's there's less confusion with that one even though there has already been a lot of confusion yeah yeah man there's gonna be so much confusion and you can imagine one of these flesh people you know uh flesh graffiti people uh they start you know like there's one on one wall one on another one they'd start talking to each other and then they would start creating a little society there you know yeah would they peel themselves off the wall eventually and crawl around like a sort of a sentient sort of carpet yeah i think once they i guess they're kind of like the flatheads or the souls of the sort of land world

because they're flat like a flathead. And then they travel. I mean, I imagine they would just travel with their feet and their fingers and crawl along the ground. But then you could prop them up, but then they would be looking at the sky because I think they're kind of two-dimensional. So they do have feet and fingers, you think?

Eh? They'd be tiny and vestigial little fingers dangling off the end. Well, that's what we were saying is that different letters would grow, you know, because they grow a full person eventually on there. Of course. But it's still in the shape of a bunta. I think it's a great idea. I'm very excited about it.

I'm not sure what the origin story of this situation is whether or not it's kids deliberately choosing to use the human skin or whether or not there was just a mix-up at the spray can factory could be the lady mislabeled you know the lady who made it who made this she probably has a lot at home in her garage. You know, early designs. And her kid, she's got a kid who's just reached teenagehood. And, you know, he's getting really into it. And goes into the garage. Yeah.

Yeah. Because with graffiti artists, I think you're supposed to steal the paint as well. Really? I think that was a big part of that culture you know it's an interesting part of it why why do you think that i mean i i don't know i don't know that a lot of artistic cultures have rules about how you get the materials maybe i'm wrong but well let's say let's say in the you know in jazz there was kind of like a culture of like uh you shouldn't get the notation the music you should just learn songs

and your instrument through by ear you know i, I guess in comedy, we feel like that jokes you have to get from your own mind and experience rather than have other people write it for you. There's kind of things like that. Some of us do feel that. Some of us do. Some of us, those of us who don't really make much money on the stand-up scene, we do feel that. But those of us who make lots of money

and release things very regularly not so much i mean could you do that with other other time you know could it be a a restaurant that has that ethos where they they only cook with things that they've shoplifted um or is there a possibly a funnier example you know let's see let's see architect because often there are restaurants that are kind of themed like that there was one that i went to once accidentally where they were like oh we only have food that's been bought in the 50 mile radius or 50 kilometer radius like that you. They put restrictions on themselves. Something

that's been grown in a house. Something that we found in the sewer. That's not ideal. That would be, well, what a challenge. What a creative challenge. Wow. I guess there could be garbage. Things that have been garbage, things that have been dumpster dived for.

Oh, I'm sure that that exists somewhere in the world. Yeah. I think the food regulations here would probably make it difficult to get the place licensed. But I think technically if you're doing it only with things that are stolen, as long as they can't track you down and pin it on you directly, you might be able to get away with that. As long as all the food is still within expiry dates, et cetera.

Yeah. The problem is having a paper trail. And also all the employees, they're also having their wages stolen in an elaborate wage theft. This would be a great, great new venture for George Columbaris to use his skills that he developed in wage theft for running his restaurant empire and now applying that to the entire business model.

Everything is stolen, not just the wages. Using, yeah. But like, could you use wage theft as a process for processing food? Could you somehow steal the food's wages? I don't know how this works. I guess you'd have to be cooking people.

Sometimes. It's a cannibal. I guess you could do that. A cannibal i guess i guess you could do that a cannibal tribe could eat food that's only been made by stealing their wages because they've died of starvation and then you would yeah but it wouldn't they wouldn't be very good i don't know that eating eating creatures that have died of starvation oh i don't know that they, you know, you'd be able to get the choicest cuts of... What is the most delicious way of having someone die, a person die, do you think, that makes them the most delicious?

Well, it's probably obesity or something like that, like somebody who ate themselves to death, maybe. But, I mean, I suppose the idea of a starvation-tarian, somebody who only eats creatures that have died of starvation, is an interesting idea. Yeah. I presume it would be very lean and it would perhaps be a good way to lose weight, like as a diet.

Yeah. You know? I'm a dietarian. I have only eaten things that are on diet oh yeah that's true i guess so yeah i mean there's a few things that you eat that are still alive like what like a i guess a spider while you sleep yeah okay look i'll try to write one of these down what is it um what is it? What is it? Starvationarian?

Not great, but you know. I mean, yeah. No. I guess it's something. I was thinking about a new form of... The problem is that the pain they undergo actually makes it taste better you can taste the pain it releases like a like if it did if like that's that would be the most awful thing created by the human you know like by bodies if they if like something underwent torture

if it made it taste better yeah yeah you're right and you know that probably is the case for certain types of factory farming i mean that's that's basically what it is with foie gras isn't it like you're force feeding these geese through a tube to make their liver inflamed like surely that's a form of torture oh yeah does make, apparently, their liver more delicious. Wow. So, yeah, you've really hit upon something there. Yeah, well, there you go. You know, very clever in that way.

I guess it's just if you say anything horrible, you go, actually, that does exist. And you go, I'm a genius. I'm a genius of horrible things. Yeah, it's a shame there's not, you know, there's no easy way to express that, you know, or to make money from that, from your ability to create horrible stuff. Maybe we should become horror film writers. I think that there's actually, you know, it's one of the few genres that just has a built-in audience for the whole genre yeah because people just want to see things that can potentially scare them you know so i think and i think horror and comedy are actually not that far apart so

um i would be into that and i think it should have something to do with things coming out of people's nipples. Particularly men's nipples. Yeah, great. I think the nipple is probably unexplored. You know? Yeah. Like, I mean, especially imagine that if it's

like, it's something that also makes you super combustible like imagine it's like if it was like a hydrocarbon that's coming out of your nipple oh that's a really good idea yeah and you wake up and the bed is always soaked in it well is it could it be something that is is sort going around the town? Like a lot of the time, you know, for like the ring, move the ring or it follows or something like that, there's this something that's passed from person to person. And it is that, you know, your nipples start secreting a high-octane hydrocarbon, right, pours down your front

and renders you extremely flammable and then you like if you get near any sources of ignition or anybody who's smoking or anything like that mate and it's great you know what it's great if a um if a film is a metaphor for something maybe our film could be a metaphor for secondhand smoking in that there's a lot of people in this town who smoke and flick ash around, but it's those close to them, the ones who've recently experienced hydrocarbon nipple leakage that are catching fire. Yeah, I mean...

People love that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah. But the fact that there's actually smoking in it makes it less of a metaphor. But that's fine. I'm happy with that as well yeah you know what i've been less worried about about like secondhand smoke um since finding out that just having like gas in your house is a much worse thing. I mean, I feel like our wood fire in our house is probably doing also way worse than the gas.

Totally. Yeah. You know, I'm always opening the door, having smoke billow out into the room. Really? Like, isn't there like a vent or something like that that's supposed to take it away? Yeah, there is. But sometimes, you know,

if the wood's a little bit wet or something like that, there's more smoke than can escape up the chimney. Sure, sure, sure. And sometimes when you open the door, yeah. That's good. Yeah, it's just another small way in which I'm poisoning my children that's okay that's great and when they listen when you know when they're old enough to texture i mean luckily

there's so much of this podcast assuming they make it to old enough yeah luckily there's so much of this podcast that none of our family members will ever listen to it any all of it yeah and yes i think you're pretty safe even though you're putting this there technically in writing. It's in writing of ones and zeros. And you're officially, essentially signing your own, like, you're going to lose whatever the court case is going to be. When your children sue you at some point or whatever like that. Tell me what you think of this idea. I'm looking forward to it. Is there any way we could build a computer where all the ones and zeros

that are written into the hard drive are somehow written in beautiful cursive in longhand, you know, in handwriting. People love handwriting. What about a computer that somehow uses handwriting inside the hard drive when things are written onto the hard drive? This is so good instantly i'm writing it down a computer when you laughed i couldn't tell um oh don't worry i'm not sure i'm not sure how i feel about it for real either so so it's like it's like this imperceivable thing in which like... I guess it's a new classier type of computer. But even like in actual computers, like in a solid state drive, okay?

Yeah. They're not writing an actual one or zero. They're not writing a one or zero, are they? one or zero is that what you're about to tell me so are you just going about like the idea of a one or zero inside like like an on or off kind of electrical channel deep inside the computer at some point it interprets it as a one and a zero but they are in cursive. No, I think in my computer, they are literally written as literal ones and zeros onto very small, but in longhand cursive, onto the spinning disc.

And then the technology to read that back would have to be more advanced. I imagine, this is just for me, I imagine that the little laser that reads them is wearing a monocle or possibly some of those opera glasses. Sure, maybe a beret. Because this is a classy computer. Maybe a scarf.

Yeah. And it does it by candlelight. There's a candle in there. Could it use even more sort of like flowery kind of things and actually use like, what about like, you know, it has. A pen that is made from a big feather. Yeah. Well, what about instead of like a one, instead of ones and zeros, it's the word exquisite and the word superb. Reprobate.

Yeah. Reprobate. Exquisite and reprobate. Reprobate. Exquisite and reprobate. Incursive. Those are the two. That's the binary. When you think about it, it can be binary can be anything. Any

two states. Why not the words exquisite and reprobate written in longhand. It could be Andy and Al. Why not the words exquisite and reprobate written in longhand? It could be Andy and Al. Why can't each of the letters be one of those illuminated letters like the monks used to do on the first page of a book?

Each of the ones and zeros. There's a tiny monk in there. We used monk technology. So what's the illuminated letter you know um illuminated manuscripts those are like ancient books you know how like sometimes on the first page of the book the first letter is big like if there's the word is life yeah it's big it's in a rectangle there's little drawings and shit all around it you know i mean that's probably

going too far you don't want this thing what is the, I mean, it could be a photograph of you and then a photograph of me. That would be good. That could be the binary. I mean, what could you store in there? Eh? You know, like, well, I'm thinking like, I mean, how big is the file? How many of these photos well

this is what's interesting the binary andy is a photo of you and it's a photo of me but this is actually this is something clever i think i'm doing but but everybody encoded in the photo is like the dna of the computer it's all the hard-coded stuff that you want it to know so yeah um and so then you could so anytime any data is lost you could um you could rebuild the computer from i don't know what that does this doesn't make sense where I was going here. No, no, no. I think I see what you're saying. So the ones and zeros of the computer, let's forget the photo thing for the time being. Yeah.

Right? But like each bit, you're saying that each bit of the computer contains the full source code or machine code that is required to run the computer. Potentially, yeah, something like that. This could be a bit blockchain, that every single bit of information in the computer is actually a unique blockchain identity made up of several thousand other bits. Look, I don't know what the blockchain bit is, but let's say it's two. Pardon me.

Let's say it could be, let's say you want to have two computers in one, right? Okay. It's your computer, it's my computer, right? I don't know why, right? But this is like the marriage between two computers, right? When two computers have a baby, they get the one computer, gets all its source code there,

and then gets all the source code there. And instead of one and zero, it just points to all that source code. And so it still counts as one bit, right? Yes. Because it's just pointing to it. It's just there hard-coded in, right? That, that, that, that, that, that, right?

But you can always go one step further and get all that information. Yes. I don't know what we're doing here. Is this a sketch, Andy? I don't think it is. Another thing you could do is instead of ones and zeros, you could have computer or no computer, right?

And this is sort of a next level language where the one is a computer. The zero is no computer. Is it this computer? So we're encoding is it but is it this coding our data as computers computer or not computer which but like when it says it says computer is it the computer that it is which computer is it talking about no no there'd have to be lots of computers You'd have to have heaps and heaps of computers. Why?

Right? We're using, because we want to store lots of data, right? And one computer or one no computer equals only one bit of information. Yeah. So, we'd need lots of computers to store everything we want to store. Sure. But what I mean is, like, I understand that there would be, like, you know, in the, oh, so, wait, so wait, when you say that it's a one and a zero, are you saying... Do you picture that it's not the same one over and over again?

You picture that it's a different one? Yeah, they're different computers. No, no, no. Stop talking about the computers for a second. Just do the ones and zeros, okay? When you picture ones and zeros, right? Let's say it's like 1, 0, 1, 1, 1, 0, 1, right? Yeah.

I think I always picture that it's always the same one, but... Oh, that's really interesting. No, I think they're different ones. I think maybe I picture... I think all the ones are different. Yeah, right. I think all the ones are the same. I just thought that there was just one one and there's only one zero.

No. And then each location that it's in, it just opens a portal to where that one actually is. Somewhere. Yeah, the true one. In the back end of the universe. Hmm. I think what we've hit upon here

is philosophy. And I don't think, I think we're messing with forces we can't begin to understand when we try and talk about this kind of nonsense. Okay. It's very specific. But, you know, it's an interesting question. Yeah.

Are all the ones the same one? You should ask a proper mathematician. Or are they different? Yeah, but I think, do i think that i think do you think that's the one that i count the same as the one that you count yeah do you think there are some philosophical questions that are not important like do you think that if you if you think this might be one of them if you talk to a philosopher do you think that they'd go well that one's that question is not important or do you think that it's by you know like do you think that if we thought about this

for long enough that we could find a way in which it's important and then unlock a secret to the universe um like let's say there really was just one one yeah would the key be do you think that if we could we could then find that one one and change it imagine that imagine if someone found the one one yeah right in the universe and they changed it to be like three or something yeah okay now every every one everywhere there's a one count it's actually There's actually three now. Do you think everything would collapse? I don't know. Because, I mean, I guess it would only affect Earth because I think we're the only ones who have come up with numbers so far.

I mean, but I think numbers might be a fundamental concept that exists whether or not you use them or not. Yeah, right. So, okay. I mean, that's an interesting question, right? So, say there's somewhere in the distant universe, right, there's one dwarf star that we have never interacted with and never seen, never contacted in any way.

Is there really only one of it? And is it one dwarf star if nobody's been there to count it is that an interesting question or is that really dumb yeah but but but that's it i mean does the number one does the number one exist there right yeah well that's the thing. But if you change the 1-1 into a 3, would that affect that one dwarf star? Would there now be three dwarf stars? There would now be three dwarf stars. But then every individual atom would also be 6 into 1. Or do you think by being together?

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Because then it becomes like the the uh like the motion stuff that einstein talked about because you can never get an absolute frame of reference right you can never find then there

has to be there's never like a a a one truth you know like because you know because if i'm if i'm throwing a ball up in the air or whatever it's going up and down but for somebody if i'm on a train and somebody's looking at it from over there, it looks like it's going up and, you know, diagonally up and diagonally down or whatever like that. And if somebody else is looking at it from Earth, it looks like I'm spinning around the sun going up and down, diagonally or whatever like that, right?

And so it's the same thing with these ones, right? So that means that because sometimes it's one dwarf star, but then sometimes it's one of six billion dwarf stars that are in the universe. So it depends the point of view that you see it from. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I wonder how the fundamental values... Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I guess the speed of light, the only reason it has the values that it does is because of the units of measurement that we use to measure it.

So whether or not there are ones and fives or whatever in the measurement of the speed of light is dependent upon the very specific circumstances in which we're measuring it. Yeah, I think so. Right? So you probably couldn't change the value of the speed of light by changing the value of one. Alistair

do you want to say what you were going to say I guess not but then what would be the speed of light in the numbers version I can't remember it's gone everything is you can Alistair I can hear you can you not hear me

can you hear me okay great yeah no I'm just I wasn't sure if we were having a conversation anymore. Okay, great. But, Andy, can you hear me? Yes, I can. This is, we're. This is not going well. I feel like we were getting too close to something fundamental about the universe.

And the forces of reality tried to derail our conversation so we didn't touch on something really yeah i think maybe your your mind may have glitched yeah that's also possible actually indy three hours has gone by um no but like wait what would be the speed of light in the in this number thing so like so what so so let's say let's say if we try to just do the parallel, right? In the Einstein one, it's shape and motion. Wait, is it? No, wait.

Or is it speed? Yeah, it's kind of like speed and it's all sorts of things isn't it but what do we look at and direction yeah oh i don't think i can do it i don't think i can do this no i i can't do it it's it's too much it's too much it's like people who do maths in you know in extra dimensions of space and shit like that you're like like, oh, fuck off. Yeah. And there's no hope here. How do you even begin to understand it? How many ideas have we got written down, Alistair? Because I think we might need to reset by going.

Seven. Great. And that is in a universe in which the value of seven is actually five um that's right i mean somehow it always comes back to like just a bit that we did in magma or whatever a lot of these things um anyway uh would you like to go to three words from a listener yes desperately all right well today's uh listener who is a Patreon supporter and has sent in three words is David Byrne. David Byrne. Or David Bourne.

Thank you, David Byrne. Bourne. And David has sent in three words today. Would you like to try to guess what one of the words is? Yeah, okay. The first word is timeline. Timeline? Oh, no.

No. But a lot of these things do follow a line of some sort. It is cargo. Okay. Second word is friction. No, pants. It is cargo. Okay. Second word is friction. No, pants. Cargo pants. Really bad guess.

Ship. Cargo ship. Now is the third word going to be pants? God, I'm going to feel stupid. Cargo shipmates. Cargo shipmates. Cargo shipmates. No, I'm going to feel stupid. Cargo shipmates. Cargo shipmates. Cargo shipmates? No, I'm sorry.

The answer is cargo ship derailment. Wow. I mean, what does that mean to you? Are these ships on rails? I mean, what does that mean to you? Are these ships on rails? I think of a cargo ship as the relationship somebody has with their cargo pants. My cargo ship. Wow.

Yeah, okay. uh yeah so and so something has happened in which somebody who is very close to their cargo pants they only they almost exclusively wore cargo pants something has happened to make them completely go off cargo pants wow you know there's been a cargo ship derailment yeah what could occur that would cause you to go so anti-cargo pants i mean could it be a traumatic experience of putting your your um your hand into one of the pockets and finding like some really old food in there that's just gone really disgusting and that um i mean it feels like you know how like you've got to empty out the kids backpacks at the end of term or at the beginning because then when you go back after the holidays yeah okay but like at the at the you go back at the end of the holidays the beginning

of the new term, and you discover whatever horrible stuff is in there. What's a situation where people who wear cargo pants, some subset of people who wear cargo pants, have to go on a break for a period of time in which they wouldn't be wearing cargo pants for a long time and then eventually come back to those cargo pants? Now, to answer this question, we need to find who are the people who wear who stereotypically would be found wearing

cargo pants well i mean i mean there's german tourists um there's um there's uh people is it limp biscuit would that would that be associated Bizkit, the wearing of cargo pants? I think that there's somebody who's like a holdout. There's a group for people who are holdouts and reject this woke ideology that cargo pants are bad. Right? Indeed. And so, there's a group of them that not only love cargo pants, but they try to find more and more extreme cargo pants. So, that means that they find cargo pants with more pockets, even more pockets on them, and they actually try to carry more and more things in there.

So, they have to have… I love this idea alice there of this this this this cargo pant culture right and it's like you know like people who are really into body modification or something like that or really be into nerf guns you know and they get they want the most extreme version of that thing and they end go down these these rabbit holes. And we find this subculture of cargo pant sort of hacking type people who are always pushing themselves. Maybe there's even a sort of an underground competitive element to have the most extreme cargo pants with the biggest pockets, the deepest.

And it's that kind of thing where it's so extreme, you can't buy them. These people have to learn how to make cargo pants or there has to be just people within the community that make cargo pants for people, you know, and they all become kind of crafts people. And it's the only way. It's like the kind of the furries

and the people who dress up as, you know, like as comic book characters and stuff like that. They all have to become manufacturers of their own stuff because there's no legal way that you could it's actually illegal to have as many pockets this is where as they're gonna have on there right and i think where you get these cargo pants are not street legal that's right yeah you can only wear them on private premises and And they find ways of disguising the amount of pockets on there. So they like, they sometimes have one pocket, but actually inside there's like six pockets in there.

And so they disguise it to make them seem street legal, right? There's a sort of a secret, their equivalent of a secret handshake is to be um you know you're in in the workplace and you're wearing your business suit or whatever but like you if you see another guy across the across the cubicle you can sort of hitch down the the waistband of your pants and reveal the the sort of the khaki uh cargo shorts that you're wearing underneath there and you just give each other a little wink yeah they they all have like a sort of a secret like cargo pocket tattoo you know maybe they even have pockets tattooed down their arms and legs and legs why did you go with arms i know i know it

seems weird it seems weird but this is how deep these people are they found a pant that goes that has a an arm sleeve in it how do you feel about this alistair cargo underpants yeah i'm really into it like boxer shorts that go all the way down they're like long johns but with pockets all the way through yeah yeah, yeah. Or, I mean, for me, I was thinking regular, like, tighty-whitey Y-front style underpants, but just with, like, lots of pockets hanging off them. I don't know why, but I feel like... But I wonder if your silky boxer short cargo pants is probably funny.

I mean, that is very funny. Because the idea of going to bed with lots of shit in your pockets as well, such a horrible idea and and then what happens is is that we see this person i want you know we're following somebody in this world right and they're they're getting more pockets they're getting you know sort of you know more intense securing methods of like fastening the top you know so you can carry more and more weight and so they're carrying more and more things in there but then at some point in this you know in their cargo pant wardrobe there starts to be a smell right and this guy can't find where the smell's

coming from there's so many freaking pockets to go through because there's so many pants with so many pockets right and then at some point you know there's just been some food that's been put in there and something and these pants have not been more in an early you know prototype model yeah put his hand in there real cautionary tale you know some some goo, some like a black mold kind of thing that he ends up breathing in. You know, maybe like- And he dies and he refuses to reveal to the doctors the whole cargo pants subculture, right? Because the doctors want to know where did you come into contact with this mold. But because the the the

loyalty within the cargo pant world is so intense he won't reveal it it's a even to save his own sealed pocket that world yeah oh imagine that a cargo pants with i'm also picturing cargo hot pants yes you know like like very sexy gold glittery. But even pants you can wear on your arms. Cargo pants you can wear. The toxic side of this culture would be… And you're not talking about like the actual mold? No, not the mold, and I'm not talking about the mold.

The toxic side of this is that like guys who are really deep into this, they have so many pockets so big and so much weight in those pockets, they have to have their belt or their waistband so incredibly tight that it starts to damage their body. They're losing blood flow to their legs. Their families are devastated by what they're doing to themselves the jangling the jingle jangling that they would make as they walk because they're carrying so many things and they have to they are like um you know morbidly obese people who have to

be lifted out of their houses or something like that but it's just because of all the weight of stuff that's not their actual bodies because they're actually keeping quite fit due to all the exercise they're doing. But, I mean, I guess what this could be is also just like there's an investigation because there's been a death, right? And then it's the investigation. It looks like a murder, but it's actually a cargo pen accident. This is an episode of Strange Unit Unit.

They find a body that appears to have atrophied from the waist down. He's been strangled to death, but over a long period of time and in the middle. So it takes a lot longer to strangle somebody. I mean, that makes you think straight away that it could be cargo pants. For me, that's what that makes me think. It has to be strangled in a strange way where it doesn't make sense. I don't think that's what people are thinking. It has to look like a regular murder.

And then you find out that it's some super advanced neck. Nobody is thinking it's cargo pants, Alistair. No, no, I know. But as soon as you find out about the cargo pant world you know like you would you would go oh it was the cargo pants but if it was like still around the neck so it seems like it's a regular strength strangulation and then you find out it was somebody working on a pair of pants that you wear around your neck. You know?

And he flew too close to the sun. He wore pants too close to the neck, if you know what I mean. And the episode is called Icarus. Because think about this. Think about this. You know drawstrings drawstrings right now yeah they you have to tighten them right you have to tighten them forward the the force has to come it has to be a kind of a horizontal force but if the drawstring was being tightened by the downward force the downward pull of the pants right then those would be self-fastening pants if you wore really like a lot of stuff in your pockets

you see what i'm saying here good idea right but then yeah let's say you were trying to get so much room that you had a pair of pants that you would have over your shoulders, but that come up, like, you know, up over your torso and you fasten around the neck. And then, but then it gets so tight that you choke and die. This is how this man died. Yeah, it's really good. It's a real tale of hubris. Hubris, which was the guy a real tale of hubris.

Hubris, which was the guy's name, Martin Hubris. Hubris. Alistair, I've got to go really soon to go pick up my kids. Do you want to take us through the sketches in like three minutes? Can you do that? Okay, here we go. The first one I didn't write down. Second one is truth busters. There's just a dash there with an empty space.

But after that, it's Truthbusters. Yeah, great. Show where you bust true things you don't want to be true. I got a blank space, baby. I got a blank space for you. I'll write the sketch idea down. Will they wait? Oh, will they, won't they have anal? It's a Ross and Rachel 450th episode.

Flesh graffiti people. Andy loved that idea. Okay. Starvationterian. Eat those who die of starvation. Only those. Yeah. Then we got nipple hydrocarbon horror movie.

I think I took a lot of your ideas and ruined them in this episode, Andy. Then we got computer that writes ones and zeros in cursive. That one I didn't ruin, Andy. See? I left it in its pure form. It's pure. It's a monument to man's hubris. There's only one one.

Find it and change it and fuck up the universe. That is like – that would be a great episode of – that would be a great new instalment. If they're looking for the next idea for Indiana Jones, if they're going to make number six, dare I suggest that the Nazis try to get their hands on the one one. They want to change the value of one. They try to find the back end of the universe.

Or they try to, this would be a good idea, Nazis try to find the one true zero, okay? Because at the moment there are zero living Hitlers and they want to find the one true zero and change it to be 100 to get 100 Hitlers, living Hitlers and they want to find the one true zero and change it to one to be 100 to get 100 hitlers living hitlers that would mean that everything that there's nothing of there would be a hundred of them there's a hundred of them that's right but that's i mean and that's what happens when you play with these forces beyond man's ability to comprehend oh yeah okay they were just they're going to destroy everything in order to just get their dream of 100 living Hitlers.

This is such a good idea, Alistair. I know, I've written it down. I'm going to text Steven Spielberg the 1-0, Indiana Jones and the 1-0. The 1-1-0-1. Jones and the one zero. The one one zero one. Oh, the one true one one zero one. And then change it to one one zero Hitler.

Forget it. Then we got. Okay. I got to go. And then there's Corigopan subculture death. And then they changed the one to zeros. Okay. Thanks very much Oh yeah Boom diddy boom

Diddy boom diddy boom Diddy boom boom boom Boom boom boom Boom boom boom Ha ha ha Hee hee hee Hoo hoo hoo Hee hoo hoo

Thanks so much We love you Thank you so much I was on Shut Up A Second You should listen to that And Andy is We're gonna be on Who Knew It With Matt Stewart

Very soon And I was just recorded A new episode yesterday Of Who Knew It With Matt Stewart Oh great I And I was just recording a new episode yesterday of Who Knew It with Matt Stewart. Oh, great. I'm really excited for that. Anyway, take care. Ta-ta.

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