Two In The Think Tank - 391 - "SENDING A DOG UNDERCOVER"

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

Inheritance, Black Widow Species, Gumby Soup, Panopticon Toilet, UndercRover, Terrierist, Typecast Lassie, Whistling Willy, You've Been Peeing Wrong!Gustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereReconditioned thanks to George for editing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Gling, glang, schlip and schlop. And gling and glang and this is old song. Alastair. Yeah? Welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair. George William Choblay-Birchall.

And we were recently on the Who Knew It with Matt Stewart podcast. Check it out. Well, we weren't. You were. Oh, I was. I wasn't there. Oh, sorry. I was on with Ben Russell and Raewyn Pickering, and that was really fun.

Holy shit, that was a hilarious fucking episode. Really? I haven't listened back. Yes. Neither have I, but words got around. Matt tweeted that this episode, people have said that it's it's changed podcasting forever i think it's very possible that it has i love the relationship that you have with um ben russell yeah because where i i love him a tremendous amount and i and it's like i really

want to be his friend but he has a he has an emotional distance that he can't he can't close he can't close and as far as we know has no interest in class no absolutely yeah yeah and he's definitely playing hard to get yeah and that's fine because i mean we're both you know basically 40 and we don't have time for this kind of bullshit. I'm basically 40. Yeah, really fantastic episode. One of the things I think you mentioned in the podcast, this is me attempting to tag jokes from a different podcast.

I think it might have come up that Stephen Kinghen king was am i right was this your podcast we were talking about stephen king writing a lot of his things set in maine what i feel i feel like i've heard this spoken about recently so it could have been yeah it could have been was that on somebody else's podcast i can't remember anyway yeah i thought i thought we could there was something to be said there about he's draining the main creative vein. I think that's really good. Or he's struck a rich – he's draining – He's struck a rich main vein? Yeah.

That's when your kid accidentally kicks you in the nuts. I mean, and you have lots of money. Yes. Ah. And you keep it in your penis. Because, oh, it's my penis that's rich. My dad died and left all of his fortune to my penis. It's that scene from Pulp Fiction, but instead of a watch,

it's a $50 note. And instead of keeping it in his arse, he rolled it up and slid it into his stick hole. He said, I'll be damned. He wanted you to have this ice cream money. He said this $50 note was your birthright. this $50 note was your birthright, he'll be damned if they're going to get their hands on your birthright $50.

It's this, this very fungible $50. Hugely fungible. One of the most fungible things that I could have given you. I have a fungible infection, which means that it can, there's a lot of it, and it's easily transferred. Does that describe something? I have a fungible infection. I have an infection that's exactly the same as every other infection, and it can be interchanged. Yeah.

Look, that's something. The listeners will be thrilled to learn that I am recording this podcast at a new location with different dogs. Oh. So, the- What dogs are these? You might notice. Well, one of them is a German Shepherd,

and the other is just a sort of a very noisy sort of general dog. Oh, just like a, just an average dog. Yes. It's the dog breed. Yeah. It's a sign of how good we are or a sign of how bad our species is or how bad our genus is, the human genus? Is our human genus or human species? Homo sapiens.

I think we're a species. I think homo sapiens is a species. But the homo part, so that's the genus, probably, maybe? Homo is genus probably maybe uh is uh homo is genus i reckon yeah yeah um blind people can often find green shoes so genus is the one above yeah uh species great yeah yeah homo is the genus that emerged in the genus australopithecus um so astral australopithecus. Australopithecus. Australopithecus. No, Australopithecus. And so, do you think it's a bad sign that every other species in that genus has passed away?

Yes. Or do you think- I think we're basically the black widow of other human species. Oh, it's like the worst person, a black widow. It's like you have sex with them and then you wipe out their entire species. We're the white widows. Yeah. The white widow. The wipe widow? Ah, yes.

The wipe window. The black window? The wipe window. The black window spider. Wipe window. Now, what does that mean? Because white widow I don't think is really an expression anyway to start with. So we're already one step removed from referencing anything.

And I love that we then take that to window, white window, and then we take the white to wipe, and now we're so far from having any kind of meaning that we create we've just opened up the entire universe we've broken through the constraints of having to be connected to anything that we're referencing that's where true creativity lies alistair have we written down any sketch ideas? Well, we hadn't, but then while you went on your long rant just then... I got on my high horse.

But I feel like you were tapping, you were hitting a rich main vein. M-A-I-n-e a v-e-i-n-e wipe out their species i feel like there's something in that i don't know what this is you know it's more of a joke but i think i think that there is a film definitely in the But I think that there is a film definitely in the final, the last few Neanderthals, whatever they are, you know, and like what we've done to them. Yeah. Do you think? Sure.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I think, you know, you think about movies like It Follows, which I'm sure I've referenced too much for a movie I haven't seen, which is sort of, you know, I think you have sex with somebody and then there's this sort of thing following you, trying to kill you, right? Yeah, that's good. Now, it's like that. It's the last Neanderthal species, right?

The last Neanderthal family group or whatever. And then there's just a bunch of Homo sapiens just trying to seduce them and dilute their gene pool. So instead of killing you, it's a kind of genetic genocide. It's the great replacement theory, basically. But of course, back in those days, we didn't know about gene pools and stuff. I think that there would have just been conflicting people within the humans, the Homo sapiens. within the humans, the Homo sapiens.

And there were those who feared them and their differentness. And those who were wooed and found that very arousing. Exotic. You know, and maybe, you know, they might have just grown up, you know, over the hill from each other and the children play together. I like that Neanderthal brow. It gives me something to hold on to. You know, that kind of. Keeps the sun out of my eyes.

Will keep the sun out of my children's eyes. Keeps the sun out of my eyes when we're making love. I did actually. If they lean over me. I wrote a joke. And I can get under it like a veranda. I wrote a joke in french the other day because i'm you know i'm reconnecting with my french as you know and hang on um but then i can tell you in english but it is on this topic hang on it's gonna reach it

it's over on the bed okay wait here i wrote a joke about French Canada recently. So when you've done your joke, I'm going to tell you mine. Okay. Do you want me to read it to you in French first? Yeah, yeah. Go for it. And I'll see if I can laugh at it.

Okay. Je ne sais pas pourquoi le monde sont racistes. On n'est pas si différents. On est tous homo sapiens. Il y a... Il y avait un temps quand qui...

quand qui avait d'autres types d'humains. Homo habilis, homo neanderthal, je sais pas c'est quoi en français. Anyway. Mais il y en a plus parce que

le monde de toutes différentes cultures ont travaillé ensemble pour les éliminer pis j'espère dans le futur on pourrait recapturer ce dynamique j'espère qu'un jour, on va arrêter de juger le monde

pour la couleur de leur peau et à sa place, on va les juger pour la protrud... I didn't know what this word was in French, but... Protrudation de leurs soucis. Tell me all about this, Alistair. I'm on tenterhooks.

It's basically, I don't know why people are racist. Right? You know, it wasn't always like this. You know, like we're not that different. You know, like, I mean,

we're all homo sapiens. You know, there was a time when there was other types of humans, you know, homo habilis, homo sapiens you know there was a time when there was other types of humans you know homo habilis homo neanderthals you know and and and at one point people of all cultures came together to wipe those things out you know and i hope that one day that we can recapture that dynamic you know come back together like that you know a time when that one day that we can recapture that dynamic you know come back together like that you know a time when we don't judge people based on the color of their skin but on the amount their eyebrows protrude

i wonder if it would be like kissing somebody wearing a baseball cap yeah that's why that's probably where the thing where people turn their heads to the side comes from when they kiss. Yeah, back when we all had that built-in baseball cap. Well, maybe people who are attracted to skater boys, there's something in their DNA that they would have been the ones who were more likely to make out with the Neanderthal. Yeah. So, he was a skater boy was more of a like he was a Neanderthal boy. Oh, it's really good. It's really good.

Here's my French Canadian joke. Okay. Ah, Canada. good it's really good here's my french canadian joke okay uh ah canada um for when you like your america no wait for when you like your americans like you like you like fuck canada for when you like your americans like you like your vichyssoise soup cold and french what's Vichyssoise soup? It's a cold French soup. Oh, cold French soup. Yeah, that's great.

You know, there's like lots of... See? Oh, yeah, there it is. We're all laughing. We're all laughing. I'm having a good time. I think, you know, I enjoyed it. Was it the three times i had to go i think the like it's the like you like in the in the middle that tripped me up um i think that the new orleans french are basically the quebec french that just traveled down and what's what's

great is when you hear some of them talk you can go on your youtube some some like gumbo recipes and stuff like that and you get some of those old, really like stereotypical New Orleans chefs. And they're like, okay, now you got to cut your onion. And now the best thing about, the best way to cut your onion is to, you want to slice your onion like this. Onion.

What about this? It's a sketch in which somebody has a meal that they've prepared for somebody, okay, and they bring it to the table. It's a big steaming pot. They take the lid off, right? And what's inside is basically a sort of thick, green, plasticky goop with a couple of eyeballs floating in it.

Wait, this is what? So it's a pot with a big plasticky goop. The stuff inside the pot, some eyeballs in it is a is a plasticky green goop with some eyeballs floating in it yeah and uh and like somebody melted slimer or something well indeed this is where we're going with this right right? And then the person who's been served this soup says, no, I said I'd love to try a gumbo soup, right? And then the door swings open behind the chef and we see in the kitchen the dismembered remains of Gumby.

Sure, yeah, yeah. I guess it's a full life-size Gumby, right, that's been hacked to death and had their plaster. It's the plaster scene of the crime. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, I don't love the joke, but I love how much, how good you are at it. Thanks, Alan. You know what I mean?

Well, you know, the sort of the mechanical structure of the joke is more or less sound, you know. I put the right pieces in the right places, I think. Yeah, absolutely. is more or less sound you know i put the right pieces in the right places i think yeah absolutely so structurally speaking it's it's solid yeah you know the plasticine of the crime because i think maybe that is also where we differ is that i like to put the pieces in the wrong area yeah yeah totally i get that's where i get my joy a little hit a little hit of endorphins for fucking up a joke on purpose and sometimes not on purpose um yeah look i look i mean it's written down andy the agambe soup oh this is really exciting i mean one of the problems with the joke is probably no one would say a gumbo

soup would they they probably would probably just say gumbo soup yeah yeah it is it is a kind of quite of a rich stewy type thing yeah i mean it is pretty soupy and it's probably like but but they refuse to call it a soup and i respect that yeah you. You know what those Louisiana sorts are like? What's your favorite type of potato? You know how people have thoughts on what kind of potatoes are good? This is a great question to ask a Tasmanian because we're very- You're like the Bolivians of Australia. That's right.

Very rich potato diet. You have purple ones. You have ones that nobody's ever heard of. Yeah, that's correct. And the ones that we were brought up to worship in my family were called pink eyes. You ever had the pink eye? I don't know if I've ever had a pink eye.

Yeah, it's a really good roasting potato. Really? So, yeah. Do you not... Beautiful. Do you ever... Is there any all-rounder potatoes that you're okay with? No, I think there's too much compromise

and they're trying to achieve a sort of a broad appeal like that. Yeah. But like, what if I told you that I have... I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between one potato and another in terms of... Alistair, for comedic purposes, I'll pretend that that is a real problem for me. Yeah? I'm outraged.

And I think being able to tell the difference between different types of potatoes is one of the things that separates us from the beasts. Yeah. Because like, every potato has seemed exactly the same throughout my whole life. Yeah. Okay. But I don't know. What's a good, in your opinion, a good potato salad potato? Have you ever had a potato salad with...

What are those little ones? Kifflers? Kifflers. Have you ever had one with Kifflers? I've got no idea. They're really good. Yeah? Yeah.

I'd recommend that. Okay. Give it a go. All right. I will give that a go. Thank you so much. Is there a sketch in potato varieties? I mean, I pitched to the studio a

project that we could do which would be the roast coast to coast where we roast each state yeah um and you know have an episode where we mock each state and territory of australia um one by one for half an hour and they'd have a right of reply by a comedian from that state or territory. And I thought one of the things that we could mock Tasmania for was for caring about the different varieties of potatoes. I think it's a really stupid thing. I think every suburb. I think it's a really stupid thing.

I think every suburb. Despite my very convincing, you know, persona in this episode of a guy who cares about performative and is just doing it for the attention and for the money. That's the grift, you know. I love that. I was doing that same thing for potatoes. How much do you think that that's real, that right wing grift like so many people are just like oh people are literally buying shit because it's um because it's just being marketed directly to them and it's just saying the same old shit that everybody has always said um i think that's a huge part of it yeah i think once you get into that world and you start doing that performatively yeah it becomes you know you lose

contact with the part of you that is real and that had any perspective on the issues and you just play it like a game which drives you further and further away from your basic humanity yeah but i think that it's yeah it's it's just it's mostly bullshit. There are certain structural weaknesses in the human brain that you can exploit to make money and get attention. And people are always going to do that. What's a funny thing that you could do that instead for? Oh, great. You know? Going to the toilet?

Let's see. I'm going to the toilet. Yeah. I mean, we should start a right-wing campaign which suggests that, you know, because toilets are a big part of stuff anyway. You know, the toilets are really in the part of the discourse. That's all part of the debate now, toilets and who gets to go to what toilet. We should start something which suggests that having to go to the toilet at all is sort of just a conspiracy, right?

And we should be able to shit and piss wherever we want. Sure, yeah. I guess, you know, the categorization that they've put us in is what's really at risk. We should be – I mean, if we went to the toilet out in the open, maybe that would be better. Like, that was probably what you were suggesting. Yeah, yeah. But, like, at least we could see,

we could watch the kids while they're going to the toilet and make sure that no one's abusing them. Yeah. Well, there should be, I guess guess a sort of panopticon style um toilet where actually you can be watched constantly by everyone while you go to the bathroom yes and i mean that would be good for all of us because we all are at risk of being abused by people while we're in the bathroom. Exactly.

It should be toilets that are arranged in a Mexican standoff style, sort of toilets in the round, right? They're all sitting and they're all facing each other, okay, so that you can monitor and be monitored whenever you're going to the toilet. I didn't get that. Yeah, well, it wasn't a fully formed joke, so that's why. Yeah. Shut the fuck up, Siri.

You know, Siri's become a big part of the comedy bang bang show really yeah because scott keeps forgetting to turn off some feature on his laptop or whatever like that and so there's just so many episodes in the last year where it's like ah siri's back it's like that um yeah look i like that i what about also a group that is very concerned about um it's a conservative group of course but they are very concerned maybe it could be a liberal group i'm'm not sure. But they're very concerned about groups that claim to be protecting children from dangers, but that they may in some way be exploiting children. Whoa. Right? Okay. And so this group is trying to stop the exploitation of children through creating groups that try to protect children from exploitation. Now, it feels like it's still a couple of notches away from being funny.

But I think I still didn't quite even catch what you're describing okay so for example like this like this um like these this movement in the in like uh what's this kind of like this conservative movie that's been released the freedom of something and there's sound of freedom of freedom and they all – it's all these – it kind of comes from these groups who are very concerned about child trafficking, right? Yeah. This thing that is mostly, like, not a huge issue, especially in places like America and things like that, right? Yes. And when it does seem to be uncovered as occurring, it's usually a right-wing person who's doing it in some way.

Yeah. And so, but then, so there. There's kind of like, I think there's kind of talks about that film that maybe some of the people who are involved in making it are actually a group that gets in the way of people who are doing real work to stop child trafficking. Sure. Right? And so you try to create a group that tries to stop groups like that from, you know, from taking advantage of children through children through saying that they're protecting them, which I guess in many ways is what the church was also doing a lot of the time, was just like saying that they're helping people and then they just get access to kids. Yeah.

Right. And so we're a group that's trying to stop not we're not we're but this in the sketch it's a group that's trying to stop the exploitation of children from groups that claim to be trying to help uh children save them from exploitation and they call everybody groomers and all that kind of stuff like that and then we add some comedy to it. Yeah, great. Are we trying to basically – we want to raise the next generation of people who are going to stop child exploitation, right? Yeah. And so we're actually getting kids very young.

At a young age. And we're sending them off to camps and we're creating all sorts of Sunday schools and programs that train the children and indoctrinate them in fighting child exploitation. This doesn't feel funny yet. I mean, the easiest way to stop it would be if you had a guy on the inside, you know, who could tell you that there is exploitation happening. guy on the inside, you know, who could tell you that there is exploitation happening. And the best way would be to train children. Sure, sure. Because they're more likely to be where there's going to be, you know, some of that happening. That's right.

We're sending them in undercover. We're sending you in, oh God, as a victim. Okay? Okay. Yeah. This is what we're talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, it could be a victim of just, like, you know,

getting morally exploited. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if there's a way to do this. I mean, we could take the topic and change the topic so it isn't something quite so fraught as child exploitation so much fun to have fun with it you know what if we changed it to something else like i don't know dog well yeah or like or like poaching seals or something like that you could get a dog though

if you could get a dog and put it under cover. Oh, incredible. Because let's say your dog is called Rover, but you're like, no, now your name is Peanuts. Okay. You only answer to Peanuts. Yeah. And the dog goes undercover with, I guess, a bikey gang and has to do some awful stuff to win their trust.

What kind of stuff do you think a dog would have to do to get the trust of some bikeys? Probably kill a lot of other dogs and also attack people. Oh, right. Maybe do drugs and maybe ride motorbikes at unsafe speeds. So, it's like you can see it like biting somebody. Like it's chained up in the bikey's backyard and it's biting somebody who tried to jump the fence. It's got a huge metal chain and there's three other dogs that are on big metal chains and they're also biting the man.

And you're walking by watching this happen and the dog's biting and he looks up at you and he gives you a little wink. You give him a little nod. And you're walking past, eh? Yeah. He gives you a little wink that says, don't blow this for me. Yeah.

Okay. I've been, this is an 18-month operation, and if you make a scene now, all of that goes. That's right. All of that's wasted. Yeah, and the dog's collecting evidence. We're this close to busting this thing wide open. What kind of evidence could the dog be collecting?

I don't know. I mean, maybe, look, we think about what the dogs do. They eat a lot of shit, weird stuff off the ground. And then they like to, sometimes if they eat weird stuff, they do like to vomit it up again later on. Oh, yeah. So maybe that's the dog's job. That's right.

Go in, eat a lot of weird stuff off the ground. You just put in a little, you put in a like, just at nighttime, you go in and you just slide a little like square of like turf, fresh turf, right? Like that. And you slide that in and the dog comes and eats that grass, okay? And then vomits on the turf. Yeah. Isn't that what they do? They often eat grass and then vomit, and then you, later on, you come back, and then you

just slide that sample out, and then you go have a test. And he just goes through. He's just licking. You know, the dog could be shitting. It could be shitting on the turf, you know? Could be. And then you're going through that shit and finding traces of clues. But he's just licking stuff off the ground, so stuff like that.

So, if there's, like, traces of cocaine and different things like that, then you know that it's got to be in there. You know, that dog's not leaving that compound. Yeah. Yeah. It's really good. Undercover dog. Now, what about this? Undercover dog boss

yes he just pretends to just because it's the leader of the pack it's the boss's dog it's the leader of the pack pretending to just be one of the other dogs just one of the not leaders of the pack dogs. One of the other dogs. Just one of the not leaders of the pack of dogs,

whatever they're called. One of the members of the pack. Puts on a moustache. Gets a broom. Yeah. Great. Talks to the other dog. Goes around.

So what do you think of the leader of the pack, he says, to the other dogs oh yeah he's we're asking a lot of the listeners to give us the benefit of the doubt when we laugh at this idea it's i mean it'd be so hard to pull off, to get the dogs to act right. It would be so good. To get two different performances out of the same dog. I mean, that's also the case when you do the undercover dog, you know, going into the criminal syndicate or whatever. Yeah.

Well, there's a chance that we could actually get quite a bad dog and then just add the winks in a bit later, you know? Oh, yeah, great. We get a really terrible dog with just awful, awful personality problems, right? We film all the stuff where he's attacking people and that kind of thing to start with. You film that first. Then you train the dog. Oh, no, okay.

You train the dog and then you put the dog in with some little kids and stuff yeah you train him really well and then you put him in with the little babies and you just take a wild dog yeah really wild oh it's a great it's a great you know i saw a john i think it was a jean-claude van damme movie possibly or maybe somebody else where like it turns out he looks exactly like the leader of some kind of terrorist organisation. Maybe it was called the Jackal, right? Yeah. And then he gets trained up and sent in undercover to this organisation to try and bring it down.

They get the other guy out and they send him in there, right? Yeah. It'd be great if you found a dog that looked exactly like the dog owned by, you know, Osama bin Laden. That's right, yeah. Still alive, right? Still alive. Oh, yeah. Or maybe Abu Bashar.

This normal family dog. You know, Abu Bashar, you know, what was his name? Bashir? Yeah. Is he still alive? Abu Bashar, well, maybe not. Bahir? Is it Bashir? It doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. Which one is he? Was he still alive? Well, maybe not. Bahir? Doesn't matter.

Which one is he? This is alternative history. He's the Indonesian guy, wasn't he? Was he the smiling assassin? I don't know, Al. It's appalling that we don't know our international terrorist figures.

No, he was an Indonesian Muslim cleric. Sure. And he ran a boarding school in Krooki, Central Java. You're getting some phone vibrations, Andy. Yeah, you picked that up? Oh, yeah, I'm picking it up. It's either that or your German Shepherds is making a lot of weirder sounds. Anyway, yeah, this family dog, normal family dog,

maybe it's even like a lap dog, could be a fluffy little dog, turns out looks exactly like this psychopath dog. Yeah. No, it's a dog that works as a therapy dog in hospitals For sick kids, right? But then it looks exactly like the dog by this terrorist leader And they have to retrain it and send it in And it's called the Jackal

Because the terrorist has a jackal instead of a dog? Yeah, it's the jackal What is a jackal? It's a jackal that's not the same as a hyena, is it? No, it's just kind of like a thinner looking dog, kind of somewhere between like a wolf and a fox and a dog. You're looking at one right now? No, I'm just thinking about them and I'm trying to,

they're not hyenas. The hyenas that they're the high hyenas laugh but you can say laughing like a jackal can't you no you laugh like a hyena and you you change costumes like a jackal um jackalino nasus no yes that's good the way, while you were also coming up with the – I think that there's – The movie's called Jackal in Onassis. There's a sketch in –

It's the town Onassis. In the making of – like, you know, there's a film in. It's a making of this undercover dog movie yeah you know and it's the guys trying to make it happen you know now we really need three performances out of this dog because it's doing the role right of the lap dog then it's doing the role of the um of being the psycho undercover but then it also has to play itself in the behind the scenes well there's a chance there's a chance that um they just you know that it's it's not an actor dog they just literally get one an aggressive dog from the pound you know and so there might not

have a third role. Yeah, sure. I'm not even sure if dogs, you would even say, are acting. Sure, that's probably controversial. I mean, a lot of the time, one of the big criticisms of Lassie is that he kept playing the same character over and over again. Is that one of the big criticisms? Lassie is that he kept playing the same character over and over again. Is that one of the big criticisms? Yeah, I would say. Many people would suggest that it was the role she was playing. It was very much kind of like Bill Murray and just mostly playing herself.

I think that there is probably also a sketch to be had about the dog that played Lassie trying to take on other types of roles after being typecast. You know, it's probably maybe not a sketch we would do, but I believe there's something there. Yeah. And so, okay, let's see. Lassie getting typecast. Yeah, man. Typecast. You can get anything you need with uber eats well almost almost anything so no you can't get an ice rink on uber eats but iced tea and ice cream yes we can deliver that uber eats get almost almost anything order now product availability may vary by region see app for details do you spell that cast with an E?

Yeah, that's right. I do. It's a reference to the Indian typecast system. I mean, I guess that kind of is what it is, right? It is kind of a typecasting system where they're like, well, this is what you do. Sorry. This is your- We'd love to give you a role other than as an untouchable,

but that's just how people see you. It's your image. It's going to be very difficult for the viewers to believe you as anything else. I wonder if you can just kind of leave town and then just kind of see if you can, you know, go to a new town and maybe like pass yourself off as something else? Do you think?

Yeah. I mean, that would be the, you'd think, you'd hope that that would be possible. Even if you could just make it to touchable. Yeah. You know?

Or even just not untouchable. Always very touchable. How are we going for sketch ideas, Alistair? Aren't we within the realms? We have one, two, three, four dog sketch ideas. Mostly based around the same idea. And so if you add that to our four other almost sketches, it makes for quite a hefty list. So then I guess that would take us to the three words from a listener, if you would be happy to go to that.

Oh, yeah. We padded it out with be happy to go to that. Oh, yeah. We padded it out with dogs out the wazoo. Oh, yeah. Let's go there. Well, today's listener is Crud. Hey. Hey, Crud. I'd call Crud a,

I don't know if this is, you know, taking a liberty, but I feel like calling Crud a friend of the show. I would say Crud is a friend of the show. Big player in the Discord. In the Discord. Yeah. Heavy hitter. One of the heavy hitters in there.

I would say a celebrity in the Discord. And that's saying a lot because there's some big celebrities in that Discord. Oh, yeah. I actually don't want to name anybody because I feel like if I don't name one person, then it wouldn't be fair. No, I think they're all celebrities in our eyes. I think they're all constantly in my eyeballs. So, anyway, Crud wanted you to guess three words from a listener and i think the listener was a thing so what's the first word andy any word name a word any word uh whistling

yes it's whistling yeah great it is whistling no it's not it is it's whistling. Yeah, great. It is whistling. No, it's not. It is. It's whistling. No, it's not. Now, try to guess the second word. Okay. Have they just said to tell me that I got it right no matter what I say?

Indeed. No, that's not going to be the case. Okay. Bristling. The second word is bristling. I'm sorry. That's incorrect. The second word is whistling. I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The second word is whistling.

Okay, it's the third word. Whistling. Andy, the third word is whistling. You almost got all three. I hate this.

Why? I hated that. Why? I had a really bad time. I thought it was really nice. I think it was really lovely. It's really driven a wedge between us. Well, Andy, it's now our relationship is we're no closer than, say, Alistair and Ben Russell.

Yes, that's right. We yes incapable of becoming the friends we probably both want to be i'm not sure except for ben i don't know both of us except for ben you and me want you know the friends that you and me want ben and me to be friends. Both one of us is really keen on this. So whistling, whistling, whistling. Okay, whistling, whistling, whistling. What about this? Think about this. What's the opposite of a whistling competition

where if you whistle, you lose? What? You know what I mean? It's like the opposite of a whistle okay so a whistling so in your world a whistling competition is one where if you whistle you win is that right well you know the opposite of that is where the best whistler wins i guess the best whistle wins and so the opposite could be that if you whistle, you lose. I mean, I love the idea of a bass whistler, someone who can whistle at a really, really low whistle, and I'd love to hear what that sounds like, you know. I mean, that's probably it.

You know what? I've heard it now, and I'm not interested anymore. Because you know those like bass flutes and stuff like that, they have to be so gigantic in order to get a kind of anything that sounds even a bit bassy. Yeah, sure. They're like like the size of a closet um but maybe like a penny whistle because a penny whistle is so small yes you know maybe or an ocarina maybe a bass ocarina you could just get it like the size of a suitcase or something like that you know yeah piccolo a bass piccolo

one of the highest pitched sounds is there such a thing as a bass piccolo let's i mean i think that's probably like a piccolo is just a high-pitched flute right so probably just the bass flute is the bass piccolo. I don't think you can then have a bass version of a high-pitched version of a regular instrument without just ending up back where you started. What? Wait, I have found a bass piccolo here.

Hang on. No, all right then. I take it back. Is it called a piccaverilo? Well there's also a style of playing the bass Which is called piccolo bass It's a beautiful word piccolo Piccolo

I know where do you think piccolo is from? I think it's from Italian I think all the good words are from Italian No not all the good words And I think we should probably just switch over What about kindergarten? Australia let's decide to start speaking Italian. I think it would be...

We don't have the enthusiasm. I think, you know, what would really piss off the English, because you know they hate losing to us at cricket. I think we should also all start speaking Italian. Yeah, that's good. So they also lose us, like as in they had us speaking English. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Okay, well, that's not too bad.

And so, why did we do that? Maybe it's just our cricket team that speaks Italian. We might not all have to learn it. Oh, yeah. But I just think it would be wonderful to see them out there in the baggy green. Is that what they them out there in the baggy green. Is that what they call it?

In the baggy greens. Yeah. Speaking in their beautiful Italian. Rich. Well, I think you mean in their Verde Largo. Verde Largo. Correct. Verde Largo. Verde Largo. Correct. Verde Largo.

Anyway, that's... Verde Largo. That's nothing. Verde Largo. But also, you'd have some wonderful florid language that we could use when we're swearing at them in our non-native tongue. Yeah. Look, Andy, is this a sketch idea? Yeah, I guess.

No, it's not whistle, whistle, whistle. This is not whistling, whistling, whistling. What about Whistler's Mother? What about that? Yeah. Whistler's Mother. Whistling's Mother? What about this?

Whistler's mother, right? Somebody is whistling so much that you put a pillow over their mouth. Yeah. And you kill them. I feel like a whistling-based horror film. And they whistle their last whistle. He's whistled Their death whistle

Their death whistle So wait, are you whistling to kill or whistling, oh cutting off their lips It's a guy who cuts off the lips of the whistlers. Oh, wow, and they'll never whistle again. You know? That's a great... What would you cut them off with?

What would be like a good thing to cut off the whole lip thing? Like, is there something that you could just put the, like, kissy lips? I feel like scissors would do it. Yeah. You know? I feel like you'd just grab those lips, pull them out and chop them off with a pair of scissors or secateurs. It's an awful thing

to imagine doing to someone and having done to you. I think it's bad. Yeah. They're both bad. Especially if it's done

to you by you and you can't convince yourself otherwise. But still, it doesn't feel quite sketchy enough andy yeah are you sure you sure it feels like a classic sketch to be chopping off somebody's lips oh i'm oh what do you okay so this is so somebody walks into the kitchen, says, it's a daughter. She says, Dad, where are the scissors? He says, oh, well, they're where they usually are.

She says, where's that, Dad? And then he says, well, they're in the second drawer from the top with the tongs and the blah, blah, blah, and the whisk. And then he says, what do you need them for? She says, I'm going to cut off Johnny's lips because he won't stop whistling. Great. And then she runs off and the dad calls out, oi.

No running. You walk carefully when you're holding those. Yeah. End scene. Yeah. I mean, neither of us feel satisfied, Andy. No, no. It's made me think fondly, though, of our bit from Teleport

about the reverse knife, which is designed specifically for safe handing, where the blade is where the handle should be and the handle is where the blade should be. So when you think you're handing it wrong, you're actually handing it right. Yes. And, yeah, that was enjoyable. Yeah.

Well, do you think we'd do that with the lip-cutting scissors as well? With the scissors? Yeah, it could be, you know. With the lip-cutting scissors as well? With the scissors, yeah, could be, you know. Have we done a whistling language? Have we done that? Whistling. It's a small suburb in Melbourne where there's a whistling language

that still continues to this day. It's a dialect. Yes. And everybody's pissed off with them. Oh, Andy, this is terrible. Well, I mean, you know, there's not as much to go on as there usually is. Yes, we stick to those words so much. What does the three whistling make you think?

You know, you've got to take out of the form. Whistling, whistling. I mean, whistling, what is whistling? It's a thing that you can do to appear nonchalant, right? Supposedly. Yeah. You know, if you're committing a crime or something like that, you whistle so that nobody suspects a thing. Ah, he's just whistling, you think to yourself. Nothing untoward could be

happening there. Now, what is another way in which you could deploy that, the power of whistling to make what you're doing seem innocent. Are you committing war crimes? Are you whistling? Are you drowning? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Or drowning somebody? Or drowning yourself?

Are you stealing the Elgin marbles from Greece? Are you stealing the Elgin marbles from Greece? Sometimes you also whistle for enjoyment. That's true. The three whistles. You're so happy. The three whistlings. Or you have a kettle that whistles when it's boiled. kettle that whistles when it's boiled?

Could you have a penis that whistles when it's time for you to go to the toilet? To go do a wee. Alright, I'm going to write that down. Oh, wow. Wow.

Especially with somebody who's been drinking nothing but cups of tea oh very good i think i've been drinking my tea too hot why is that dear well my penis whistles when it's time to go to the toilet that's like a that's like at a roast for a guy and all we know about him is that he drinks heaps of tea. It's at the, you're roasting the guy who runs the Dilmar company. Yeah, great. This is when he, I mean, Mr. Dilmar, this is you roasting this year, CEO, Mr. Dilma.

Anyway, and then the joke. Yeah, great. Oh, that's really good. He drinks so much tea, et cetera. And his skin colour is not from the- His Indian heritage. Indian heritage. Or possibly Sri Lanka.

Probably, I would say, due to the tannins in the tea from all the tea that he drinks. And... That's great. When he speaks... When he speaks, it's very warm and enjoyable. Right. See, we're roast guys now.

This is what we do. This is second nature to us. This is easy for us. Yeah. All right. We're going to read you through the things. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Why was that so hard to get to the last one? Just read them really quickly, Allison. Read them really quickly. Left, yes, a person who left his fortune to his child's penis. What? That was one of the first things we said. I don't remember that at all. The black widow species.

We have sex with Neanderthals, then wipe out their entire species. Then we have the Gumby soup. andy come on now no i said gumbo a gumbo and then and then we said we should all go to the toilet in the open to make sure we don't get abused so that everybody can watch us we've got sending a dog undercover is peanut but his name is rover um but then you know this there's more to it but um uh we into into a bikey gang yeah um then we've got the making of that movie so then we're gonna get that movie and then we're also gonna get the making of it then we have normal dog looks just like terrorist leader's dog great and we have another one of these rich mine vine getting typecast and then we have a penis that whistles when it's ready to pee

and these these this is one of the worst like you know i feel like i had fun during the thing but i don't know how there's so little on the page that represents any fun why does the penis not flop around all over the place when the wee comes out like a like a garden hose yeah like like a fireman's hose. I mean, yeah. I mean, I realize you're supposed to hold it, and that's part of it. But do you think if you didn't hold it? I mean, I guess it's got some weight to it.

I think that's exactly why you hold it, yeah. Yeah, so that it doesn't flail around. I don't know if it will flail, but it will be lifted. It will get some kind of, you know, as Newton once told us, that when that force of it ejecting, technically we should move backwards, I think, like a rocket. And so you've got to tense up your calf muscles and lean forward. It's essentially a propulsion system. I think we're using it wrong. We're using it wrong. We're using peeing wrong.

Yeah, no, I think we might have had that actually in previous episodes as a form of propulsion. I know, but... Or maybe it was ejaculate. But have you been using... Either way, something to be proud of. Have you been peeing wrong this whole time? Yes.

Oh, you've been peeing wrong this whole time? Yes. Oh, you've been peeing wrong this entire time. That's a great bit of clickbait content. All right. Well, I guess we better go on to the song. Thank you so much for listening to Two in the Think Tank. Maybe you remember some good bits from the episode. Maybe, yeah. And then you could write those down instead and let us know if we have got a better write-down than us.

If they exist. You know, sometimes it would be nice to see. Because, you know, like, if you watch a boxing match, there's the judges. But some people like to judge at home. And they go, oh, I got it. That Lomachenko won the first, third, and the fifth round. Like that. It would be great to get some of the listeners' scorecards on what they think the sketch ideas were. Yeah.

I'm picking that Lassie typecast one will be featuring pretty heavily. Pretty heavily. Yes. Alistair, everybody should go and listen to your recent episode of Who Knew It With Matt Stewart. It's a comedy masterclass. It's a comedy masterclass. I have no idea what happened.

I have no memory of what happened, but I remember Matt saying he's going to have to cut out most of it. That hurts. Well, because he has to put the rude bits at the end and the non-important bits at the end now. Also, I don't think it's been released yet, but I did an episode of Murph's Tavern,

but it's a Simpsons based podcast by murphy mclaughlin and you know if you want a a simpsons podcast um go check that out and then get yourself acclimatized to it um and then you'll be ready for when my episode comes out, which might be soon. You know, who knows? It's called Murph's Tavern. Talk to you soon. We're going to go now. And we love you.

Bye. Bye.