Two In The Think Tank - 392 - "PARODY OF BACON"

Episode Date: August 4, 2023

I'll be honest the name of this episode has nothing to do with the contents of the episode, I left the upload too late and now I'm doing this under pressure without the right information at my disposal.SKETCHES TBCGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereLuxury thanks to George for editing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. Yes, I am Andy. And I am Alistair George William Trombley Birchall Matthews. Let's see. And Alistair. Crair crude oil gravy think about that i mean i do love the idea of crude gravy i mean it feels like gravy is the sort of the crude oil of the sure of the the culinary cooking the culinary world you think you could refine gravy into

different levels i don't know a lot about crude oil yeah but i imagine it has the the texture and the consistency of gravy we could fuck it up i think i think that this is like a it's an attack from environmentalists you know those people that people think are really annoying. But then, you know, because they're like, hey, let's not destroy the world for money. Obviously not going well. But it's an attack from them on oil reserves where they go and they put flour in the oil. Oh, yeah, great. And they whisk it in. A little bit of red wine.

A little bit of red wine and some rosemary. Well, okay, a bit of tomato sauce for sweetness and that extra tang. I don't know. I've never done that, but I mean. I'm just describing the song How to Make Gravy by Paul Kelly. All right. Well, I've never listened to that song. You say that with a little bit of like

indignation that anyone would even think that you would listen to that song. It's been around a lot and I think I swear I've probably opened up Spotify with the intention of trying to listen to it and I've just never gone around to it. I don't know. Yeah.

I just don't think any guy with music who's singing a song I think could help me in any way. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't think some guy has the answers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know that many people are going to How to Make Gravy saying this is where the answers are at.

No. But, you know, there is some beautiful stuff about that song. Sure, maybe. Yeah. But you're right. Right. Like, if you've had time to learn an instrument, chances are you haven't been contemplating the deep questions of existence as deeply as somebody who has no musical ability whatsoever, right? Yeah. Like, that's a distraction. I'm going to get my philosophy, my philosophical ponderings. Philosophy.

Philosophical ponderings. Philosophry. Yeah. Philosophical ponderings from somebody who hasn't wasted 10,000 hours, because we know that's how long it takes to master a musical instrument. That's right. And we are complimenting the singer of that song. Paul. Paul.

Yeah. Okay. Now, was there a sketch idea in this? Oh, wait, wait. Is it a crude gravy? Is that an idea? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

I mean, it's interesting to imagine a – Alistair, here I go again, right? We've got steampunk. We've got our copper punk idea we've got penis punk the one that we came up with where everything is powered by penis technology gravy punk right instead of having the um uh the the the the fossil fuels powered um growth that we've had over the last hundred years. Instead, it's all built on gravy. And, you know, we're refining gravy to get high octane gravy and stuff to use in our aircraft.

You know what's really interesting about gravy? Performance vehicles. Do you think bread, it's like water gravy. Hang on. You know what I mean? Bread it's like water gravy. Hang on. You know what I mean? Bread is water gravy. Bread is water gravy. Alistair, I'm going to need some time with this one.

Because like, you know I'm a big like water versus oil kind of guy. Yeah. Right? I consider that, you know, of the natural world, I think that that's the, you know, the Capulets and the whatever the other ones are. Amulets, the Antropocene. Romulans. Romulans, yeah, whatever.

And so, oil, you know, you mix that with gravy and heat it a bit. Sorry, oil, you mix that with flour and you heat it a little bit. You get gravy. Yes. Right? Water. You mix that with flour and you heat it a little bit. You get bread.

You know? Yep. Okay. So bread is water gravy. It's a water-based gravy. Okay. So, bread is water gravy. It's a water-based gravy. Yeah. Mathematically, that makes perfect sense. Can't argue with that on any level.

Just because a gravy is solid, that doesn't mean that it's not gravy. I mean, if you leave gravy overnight on the stove, that will go solid as well. Yeah, you're probably right. It's just an oil bread. That's what gravy is. It's an oil bread. I mean, I think there probably are oil breads.

That was a really Luke McGregor R just then. There probably already are are oil breads right like is papa dum is a papa dum an oil bread you know or you know some i feel like you know maybe a roti that might be an oil bread i don't know i think there's probably already a bit of oil in all bread and there's but there's probably water in those ones as well you're like yeah i mean i've made a roti some kind of roti or some kind of naan type thing that was just basically flour and and yogurt that really excites me yeah

i love that i love hearing that it was very interesting but then you could somehow even after it's cooked and it looks like bread you eat it and there's like an aftertaste where you're like, I am eating yogurt. It still tastes like bread. It was yogurt the entire time. You're eating it and it tastes like bread, but then it's after you're like, wait, no, that was yogurt. I just had yogurt. Wait, no, that was yogurt. I just had yogurt.

This is a great new game show called You Just Ate Yogurt, right? Yeah, after the success of Is It Cake, right? It's a bunch of foods, right? There's maybe six or seven of them. One of them's got yogurt in it. And you've got to eat them all. You try and guess which one you think has yogurt in it. Wait, what are the options of the things?

Like, what are the things? Is it just like- Different foods. Some of them have been cooked with yogurt. Some of them haven't. What about this? The more I describe it, the less funny it seems. Okay, what about this? Okay, there's three contestants behind a podium, right?

There's a host just like a cake. Okay, they lift the big curtain. There's three separate motorbikes there, right? Okay. Okay, now one of the motorbikes... Is yogurt. Has had yogurt rubbed all over it. Right?

But it's not so thick that it's, like, noticeable. Oh, wow. I mean, that means it's very thin. Well, but then there's three contestants, okay? And then over different different rounds they take different turns at this but one gets to go have a one can have a look at them can look at it one can smell it and one can lick it i feel like lick is your lifeline right um there might be multiple rounds but i think if you're having to lick the thing to find out if it's yogurt that means you're on

the ropes okay and you only get to use one lick per episode yeah i think there's three rounds you get one lick one look and one smell one sniff it's the lick look and sniff and then if they lick it right and because that's it's always the liquor that goes last yeah looker goes first sniffer licker that goes last. Yeah. Looker goes first, sniffer goes second, licker goes last, right? And then they lick it and they give it to, and they're basing which one they're going to lick. They only get to lick one, two. So, they're using the info from the other two to judge which one they're going to lick. That's amazing. And you know what?

I've never seen somebody licking a motorbike on television. This could be what we need. One round will be fridges, one round will be skateboards, one round could be shoes. Imagine that, they're all white shoes. And suddenly you're like, you've got a keen eye, Imagine that, they're all white shoes. And you're suddenly, you're like, you got a keen eye, you're looking for, you know, like a chunk of strawberry or something like that.

Yeah, oh, you got a real keen eye. You've got to watch Eric on this round, he's got a real keen eye, you know, he'll be peeking around, see if he can spot any telltale chunks of strawberry. And then if you lick it and you're like, I think this is the motorbike. I think this is the motorbike that had yogurt smeared on it. And then they say, you just ate yogurt. Carl, you just ate yogurt yeah that's great yeah i knew you'd have a better spin on this than me alistair well i don't know i know i yeah i mean i don't know if it's bad don't need don't there's no need for any kind of modesty here Alistair, it's a funny idea

I'm only trying You've got people looking, licking and sniffing Motorbikes, that's funny I wasn't driven by funniness I was driven by making it Different enough from Is it cake? So that we could actually pitch this

To Netflix Who's looking for something new and we know they're hungry for something. I mean, I do love the idea of somebody, there's a genuine emergency, right? They're trying to get their wife to the hospital to give birth or maybe they're trying to escape from a collapsing bridge, right? I love the idea of people jumping into a car,

grabbing the steering wheel and discovering that the steering wheel is in fact yogurt. They pull on it. Maybe there's an outer shell of some sort of, you know, solid crust like you would have on a creme brulee. But that cracks and crumbles away and the steering wheel turns to yogurt in their hands. I think that would be just a wonderful thing to watch. And then I guess we come out with a car with a regular steering wheel and go oh you can take your wife now that's okay we were just having a bit of fun

this is a car with a regular steering wheel it's a car with a regular seat then they get in guess what another yogurt one and we were just joking that time as well. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Yeah, that second yogurt steering wheel car, you've got to wear that one. That's your responsibility. You should have instead robbed a car driving by.

If you were really in a hurry. God, the only thing that's hard is just like being able to catch people in those really like desperate moments like that, you know? It is difficult. To have a camera crew there and have everybody available at all times. Well, I mean, the collapsing bridge is okay. That's something that you can engineer. That's true.

You know, quite literally. It feels like it's the opposite of engineering, isn't it? Collapsing the bridge. Reverse engineering. It's a dark, it's a dark art. Macabre art. Reverse. Cruel and arcane practices in which man was not meant to dabble.

Reverse engineering. You wouldn't let a contrabassoonist play the bassoon, would you? It was a joke that was entirely for us. Yeah, it's fantastic. It was a joke that was entirely for us. Yeah. That's fantastic. It's just like, it's short enough that it doesn't matter. You can keep that one. But also, Alistair, it earns its place by having the word contrabassoonist in it.

Right? It doesn't matter at that point. If you put the word contrabassoonist in something, it can stick around. Yeah, that's right. I was thinking today my child was using the word, wait, was it abominable? Or was it, what's the, no, abomination. Wow. I said, no, but yes, but he's an abomination. That's a funny word. Abomination. Wow. I said, no, but yes, but he's an abomination.

That's a funny word. Abomination. It's got the word nation in it. And it almost feels like abomination. It's like, it almost feels like you're saying bombastic. Sure. Bombastic. I don't know.

It's so much fun in abomination. Terrific. I mean, do you know, was your child engaging in some sort of religious hate speech? No, no, no. Oh, that's good. Yeah. It was more about some kind of creature that we were going to have to battle in our playing game. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Great. You know, more like a, more like a, like, you know,

an abominable snowman is an abomination. Sure. Sure. Of course. Um, are there any other abominable creatures? Let's see. Abominable,

uh, Bigfoot, abominable. I'm's see. Abominable Bigfoot. Abominable. I'm just trying to see how any of them go. Yeah. Abominable postman. So far they're all very abominable postman. That works for me.

How about this? Abominable showman. Oh, yeah. The abominable Showman. Oh, yeah. The Abominable Showman does feel good, doesn't it? Who is this guy? I mean, let's say you see this guy off Broadway. You're at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and you see this show called The Abominable Showman.

I think it's a great title for something. I know. It could be your next comedy what is this show well i mean some would say that the abominable showman is a creature that exists in the mountains right and that hikers have come back having witnessed him do the performance of a lifetime okay but when you when when they send you know nobody's ever been able to capture a photograph of it because he has a policy of no mobile phones is it just a guy who's always doing shows in the woods for people i think he's a kind of a beast i think he's a i think he's a hideous snow beast okay right but he has

but yeah i think i think in a way yeah but i think he's disgusting yeah like and he lives out there and he's horrific but he can he can put on a show he could act he can he can deliver a joke you know and um and i think you know telling the telling a couple of hikers who are like dressed up looking real nice they look ridiculous when he's like wearing furs and he's covered in soot and stuff. That's funny. Real nice looking hikers. You know, a couple of Richies, Richie Riches. You know, they got their head to toe tinsulate. Isn't it crazy that back in the day when people would say, I'm going to change for dinner, you know,

and they would put on their dinner outfits, it would be a fancier set of clothes feels like if you're getting you know if i was going to change to eat dinner it would only be into something worse so that i could i could make more of a mess yeah and and the way that i imagine you dress at home, like there's not that far to go. There's not much room. There's not much room to go down. There's not many lower rungs on that ladder. Yeah.

Because aren't you wearing like sort of like paint-stained overalls a lot of the time? Or like coveralls? Is that what you wear? I feel like you dress like a mechanic at your house. Rolls? Is that what you wear? I feel like you dress like a mechanic at your house. You know what I do is I wear my best clothes all the time. And so, they very quickly become my worst clothes. I have a strategy, basically. Everything reaches the same low point. It's a kind of entropy. And so while I am dressing up in my best clothes, they're

also my worst clothes. Do you ever do like handiwork in the nude? It's a good idea. Yeah, sure. I mean, it feels like it'd be good for painting a house, right? Like paint a house naked, you get drips on yourself, sure. But then what's the worst that's going to happen?

You get the, it dries on you and then you have that, that one of life's great joys, which is of peeling paint off your skin. Yeah. Is there a way? I think that's good. Is there a way of getting that into like a you know like that thing into a uh you know a sketch or like a sketch or like a murder mystery thing you know like thought maybe a strange unit unit yeah you know like uh what it's like somebody somebody's like love of pulling the the paint off of their I mean it feels too fingerprinty obvious, you know, right?

I mean, we already have the key phrase paint stripper right? Which can refer to both a highly corrosive liquid that you could use to dissolve paint but then also suggests maybe a person who takes off their clothes in order to paint or as they paint or possibly someone who comes onto stage with their body covered in paint

and then the perverts in the audience have water pistols full of acetone that they squirt at the person on stage it's getting into my pee hole it's getting into my pee hole oh my pee hole is burning. Quick, put another chemical on there. Spray more paint onto it. Oh, people have soothing. There's people with tubes of betadine ointment.

No, not betadine. What's the other one? Also starts with a B. Maybe it is betadine that they can squirt as well, or Savlon. And then in case there's an injury, there's some that have squirt guns full of Robitussin so that you could have painkillers that would kick in one or two hours later. I love that. Bit of Robitussin.

Great idea. I only know really about Robitussin from that Chris Rock bit. Robitussin. I only know really about Robitussin from that Chris Rock bit. Robitussin. And you shoot me. Yeah, we never went to the doctors. We just had Robitussin.

Ah, you got, ah, scraped my knee. Robitussin. Ah, I hit my head. Robitussin. I was like, I broke my bone and the bone's sticking out. Get some Robitussin. Get some Tussin in there. Straighten the bone right sticking out. Get some of those acids. Get some tossing in there. Straighten the bone right out. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's great. It's good gear. While you were talking, it made me think of having painkillers as the third spice on the table. So while you have the grinder of salt and pepper, you also have a grinder there that contains paracetamol that you can grind over the top of your food. Oh, that's a good idea. I can't imagine the flavour of pure paracetamol is that good. Well, all of those pills have like that weird, horrible chemical flavour.

But I mean, i haven't seen that seasoned properly you know i haven't seen it of course used in the right way you know we shouldn't be trying to hide that flavor we should be working with it um yeah exactly i would like to see it like, you know, what, like, okay, sure, it doesn't taste good by itself, but neither does like, you know, if I had like a rock of salt that that was that big and I put that on my tongue, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the best time. that medicine is a flavor right medicine flavor that's the thing that we can all i think connect with could you get pure medicine flavor has no active compounds it doesn't doesn't affect your body in any way but then it just can become part of you know what it is that we cook with right you can just have some medicine flavor that you can add to anything i think that in a way it's sweet savory and then medicine

it's like a whole it's a whole new category because it's like medicine does have a broad a broad range of tastes that are mediciney like if you have like a a vitamin c tablet or like a multivitamin tablet. It itself has a medicine-y taste. True. I mean, vitamin C maybe I would disagree with, as I think vitamin C really does to me taste like oranges or lemon or something. Sure. Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe they just put orange flavor in the vitamin C that I have been eating. Yeah, they might do that. But let's say something that is less flavored, something that is not flavored, like a multivitamin tablet that kind of has like, it still tastes like something that's like, like the inside of a health shop smells. Yes. Yes.

The most disgusting flavor I've ever had in my mouth was when i was sailing and i had to i had really bad seasickness and somebody was like have these garlic tablets right yeah brutal um apparently that helps right so i had these garlic tablets and i didn't swallow them properly they didn't go all the way down. Right. And they were just somewhere in my throat dissolving. But there were things like this that you would have reflux. They were like, they've had to make new tablets that are like no reflux like that for garlic tablets.

Right. Because I burped and this flavor came back up into my mouth. And it was so vile. It's like, it's just, it stops you from vomiting by making you work so hard to not vomit. Yeah. You're not going to want this to come back up. Trust me. Now you have a real incentive. To keep it down let's make this interesting let's see we gotta figure out some sketch ideas have we not written anything down alistair i feel like we've had a bunch of stuff coming through some stuff i just the pipeline i forget that we're searching for five and so

sometimes you know because often we fill the page. And so I think sometimes I get scared when there's like three or something like that. But then I really forget that we're, you know, that's most of the way there. Have we ever had any garlic

themed sketch ideas do you think? Because it's hard to communicate flavor in a sketch, isn't it? Yeah, well, what's the funniest flavor, do you think? That you can show visually, or that you can show somebody taste. Flavor you can see, flavor you can hear, flavor you can feel flavor you can hear flavor you can feel what about this i don't know what this what this is exactly but what if you could make sort of something a product that's like a dog shit but made out of full plant materials like what's it like a dog shit for

people who don't have pets. Yeah, wow. That they can walk around and leave on people's lawns and footpaths and things like that. So, like, you could have a full garlic shit. I think it's very funny to see somebody walking along, right? Possibly they are walking their dog, okay? Then they get a plastic bag out of their pocket. The dog hasn't done a shit they undo the dog the bag there's a shit in the bag it might be a real dog shit yeah right and they leave it there

on the ground and they walk away right i think it's a very funny thing to have you know maybe a trait for a bad man in a movie is that he hates in one particular person so wherever his dog shits he's very conscientious picking up the dog shit but then he will always take it and then drop it off yeah or he takes the ones from his backyard that his dog's done and then brings them out into the community yeah that's really good but i think there is a pleasing reveal as well too. But you're right, yeah, if he's done it in the backyard, no, that works, yeah. You don't even necessarily need to see that bit.

What about this? A guy who empties his dog poo bags, right, and reuses them, he puts them in the dishwasher and it's a reusable dog poo bag made with that silicone stuff you can put it in the dishwasher and use it again and again and again just run it through the cycle with the rest of your calorie and that's really good i think that's a really good comment i think i would love to see that you can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats.

But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. The ad for that the guy the guy keeps taking a sip of water throughout the

throughout the ad and asking his wife is there something in this water what they must have changed how they treat the water it's not he keeps putting it to his nose and smelling it smelling the cup I think it's very funny to me the idea that he has no idea it's so obvious what's happened

I think we need to change the filter he's like putting plates away and smelling. I mean, yeah, I guess you could, I mean, if you were the person who was selling that product, you could then upsell people on a new, this is in real life they would do this, on a new dishwasher tablet that was like extra better for this. Because it's hard to get in on that market when there's not like a direct reason. Yes. But you could be like.

Yeah, well now this doesn't get much more direct. But the way that, but that's where the fun thing would be for the company in the ad trying to tread that line of like, it's fine to use in the dishwasher and you don't need any special thing. But also, if you want a special thing, if that'll put your mind at ease is this thing goes the extra step just to ease your mind but i want you to know you don't need that because it's fine back when we did our wing attack show did we have a sketch in there maybe it got cut about your your your um booking your flight and for an extra $5, they will make sure that nobody pisses in your food, right? Yeah, I feel like we did have something like that at some point, somewhere.

I can't remember where we did that. Yeah. It's like nobody is pissing in your food, but normally we don't check. But if you would like us to check that they definitely aren't, that's an extra $5. We'll use our extra piss-detecting device. Yeah. The airline's been working very hard on this piss-detecting. Well, it's not cheap.

It's a very advanced piece of technology. No, we don't think we need it we don't think people are pissing in there but it's for your peace of mind if you are worried about it make it for our own food we're gonna sell this all later on yeah we made it for people who are worried about this kind of stuff and if you're one of those people well you can use the services of our wonderful device has it ever happened no we don't think so but we didn't have the machine to check until now if you don't want me to check i'll i'll i'll just put the machine away that's fine if you prefer i don't check yeah don't check the box. But if you check, I'll check. That's right.

That's the slogan. You check, I'll check. Andy, would it be crazy for us to go into three words from a listener? I don't think it would, given where my brain is at, levels-wise. It's not in a good way. I'm very tired. Where's your brain at? Levels-wise, it's not in a good way. I'm very tired. Where's your head at? Where is your head at?

If you're a person listening to this, feel free to send us in some three words or some side tank ideas as well. Just, you know, if you're a Patreon supporter, go ahead, do it. Send it in through the Patreon. I think we'd love that. Do it. send it in through the patreon i think we'd love that send it in you can always use it's good to have like an amount and you know what today andy uh we have uh a person who had never submitted uh words before submit words uh supporter aiden aiden i'm so proud of you for taking this step. Thank you. Aiden K. Nearl.

Aiden K. Nearl? Yeah. That's incredible. Three names. Wow. Maybe I shouldn't be using Aiden's whole name. But I mean, Aiden. Let's just call him Aiden.

Let's just call him Aiden K. Earl. So Aiden is said in three words, Andy, from a listener. And I believe that listener is Aiden K. Earl. Would you like to try to guess what the first word is? Okay. The first word is undercut. Undercut. Andy, definitely not.

You are very wrong. The first word is kunoxa. Sure. Kunoxa. Okay. Kunoxa. Okay. Second word, then. Don't you want to know what this word is? Not really.

No, go on. Tell me. So, I've had to have it translated. I went kunoxa in English because I couldn't find any meaning. And then it says, there is, so the word means there is a time. But it's in the maybe Xhosa language, X-H-O-S-A. Right? And that is, hold on, it's Xhosa, Xhosa language.

Okay. koza language okay it's a uh a bantu language of the koza related to zulu and spoken by over seven million people it is one of the official languages of south africa wow okay right okay there is a time there is a time okay second word uppercut second word uppercut no No. No. I'm so sorry. It is I think let's see if I can find a way of, I don't know how to pronounce it, but let's say it's Kizilbash.

Kizilbash. Which is of course a let's see it's a diverse array of mainly Turkoman Shia militant groups that flourished in Azerbaijan okay yeah militia groups

flourished in Azerbaijan I love the name Azerbaijan might be my favorite country name. Yeah, Azerbaijan. Yeah. Yeah, I really like it a lot. And then the third word, Andy? Third word is gut punch. Feels like it's close, but it's cantankerous.

Cantankerous? Wow. Is there some sort of common theme with the letter K or something in those words? Oh, well, I guess they, I don't know. Wait. Oh, no, cantankerous is a C. Cantankerous. And the other one started with a Q.

Right. Yeah. Okay, so there is a time. So they are all K sounds, though. Okay. And was it militia groups, did you say? Yes, it's a diverse array of mainly Turkmen, Shia militant groups that flourished in Azerbaijan, Anatolia, the Armenian highlands, the Caucasus, and Kurdistan from the late 15th century onwards, and contributed to the foundation of the Safavid dynasty in early modern Iran. Right.

Okay. Wow. Okay. Militia groups. So, let's see. I mean, there is that problem and i think that it's such a classic problem that um you witness in russia and ukraine with the wagner group of mercenaries right that like you have like okay we have this highly paid highly um violent group that are working for us okay they're working for us because we're

paying them to work for us and then like as soon as things don't go their way you're like oh no this egg this group this ang armed mob that we created well what about this are you know and not is it how could how could this have backfired on us yeah this group of people that are just willing to do anything for money yeah they have no values yeah well what if what about like you are a person that is brought in to you know like a government has been toppled and you have been chosen by the people or by you know the the militant groups in power yes to to become the new leader And it's a great honor, right? But on the day that it happens, you're really grumpy. Oh, no.

You got a headache. Your throat's a bit sore. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and they get you there. Didn't get much sleep the night before. Yeah. And then you got to, you know, you've got to give a speech in front of, you know, you got and you got to you know you've got to you

got to give a speech in front of you know all the people at the you know the burning parliament and everything like that you're like all right all right all right go uh you know do you want me to talk or not you know I think anything or like anything where you are being awarded something like you know let's say you're being awarded for like a lifetime lifetime achievement

award but on a moment that you're really grumpy this is Al's new comedy direction at that moment you're really grumpy where This is our new comedy direction. At that moment, you're really grumpy. Where's it coming from, do you think? What's inspiring this? It's mostly my life. Do you think that maybe Putin's problem is that he hasn't had a big nap,

hasn't had a good sleep? Maybe he's been a bit grumpy for a while. He could have been a bit grumpy. He's not unhinged. He's not angry. People are always trying to diagnose these world leaders and people are always with trump saying he's senile and with um you know with uh kim jong yeah joe born and with you know with uh vladimir they're always like oh he's really

sick he's on death's door he hasn't been seen in public for 48 hours. We think, you know, what's going to happen when he disappears? There's going to be a power struggle. Fucking hell, calm down. It's never the case, right? Like people are just desperate to diagnose something or to have some speculative story to tell what if it's just something about a person being a bit grumpy or has not had a good sleep or we

think that he might have a new cat it's keeping him up at night i don't know maybe we think there could be a bat in his house and he's not able to get enough sleep I don't know, maybe. We think there could be a bat in his house. And he's not able to get enough sleep. He's exhibiting all the characteristics of a man who has a bat in his house. We've analysed these photographs and we can see the marks on his forefinger. It looks like he's been holding a long pole that you might try and use to usher a bat out of an open window. The way that his hair is, it looks like he's maybe been putting a towel over his head to stop the bat landing in his hair while he sleeps. To stop the bat landing in his hair while he sleeps.

And it's been pressing his hair down because he's worried about those little fingers that they've got getting caught. We're going now to a psychologist who has a theory about- The bat psychologist. The bat psychologist. I think that's a sketch idea Just stupid speculative media cycle analysis You've got to very specifically Alistair You've got to write down the bat thing Because that's an important element of the story

As far as I'm concerned Maybe the most important I'll just write down the word bat and i'll remember andy what about i mean the the bat idea is is something like like um would you would you have a sketch where some friends stage an intervention for another friend who has a bat in their house and is not doing anything to get the bat out right you know they are tired all the time they are grumpy it is affecting their life they've been missing work and this kind of thing it's like it's a drug problem but all it is is that there's a bat what if it's just somebody who's letting bugs crawl all over them?

Like an intervention. It's the same idea, but they just let bugs crawl on them all the time. And you're just worried about you because you've got bugs crawling all over your body. Not all over, but just like some walking across the face. I think that's the person that this person would clarify. They're like, they're not all over my body. Like there's what, maybe one or two on my face right now. Like that.

Yeah. And many of them are on my clothes, actually, which is not my body. It shows how little you know about bugs. They wouldn't crawl under my T-shirt. That's not a safe place for them. Yeah, it feels like you don't know anything. It feels like you're really talking from a place of ignorance. Yeah. Sure, Alistair.

Write down the word bat and write down the word bug. I think we're done. Bat bugs. But do you think i got bad bugs do you think it's it is like because i mentioned being grumpy and stuff like that and i feel like it's actually not socially acceptable to to mention being grumpy like like is it is it too silly is it too childish to mention grumpiness well it's a it's a silly sounding word grumpy yeah yeah i mean is it the same as experiencing ennui or is ennui different that's more sort of Ennui is kind of like a... More an existential thing. Yeah, it's like kind of like being depressed in an existential way, I would say. Right.

So, fat to French depression. What do you call it when you're just kind of feeling like irritable at home? Off. I say I'm feeling off. and you find yourself snapping at people more than you normally would and making little comments that are just a little bit like more like you hear yourself go to it and you go i shouldn't have said that it was a bit it was pointless that was petty yeah um yeah uh i mean it doesn't I like to think it doesn't happen to me often

but when I do I say I have a case of the Alistair's oh no that's the worst well I feel like this is what happens when you reveal

a part of yourself this is this could be one of it could be one of our in jokes that I have no ability to regulate my emotions. And I'm terrible at demonstrating empathy.

You're perfect in every way. Perfectly regulated. All right, we'll take you to the sketch ideas. Oh, Alistair, I'm so sorry. We've got crude. You've done really well. Thank you, Andy. That's all I needed. That's the the boost i need we've got crude gravy and it could be there's a chance that this is

not crude like it has a crew okay i know you can have gravy in a boat but that doesn't mean that you need a crew to man that gravy but that No, but that's a fun restaurant, isn't it? It's an all gravy restaurant. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. You just come and you get served bowls of gravy. Is it on a boat? No, no, no.

Okay. It could be on one of those like pontoons down by the river. Like a brewery or something like that. Okay. But it's just a big vat in the middle of the room. And all of the people who serve the gravy are in the vat with the gravy. Wow. And they got paddles and they got access to bowls.

I presume they're wearing waders. Sure. If that makes you feel better. They're culinary grade waders. They're culinary grade waiters. They're food grade. Yeah. No, they're wearing culinary grade clothes. You know, they've got shoes that they only wear in gravy.

Right? What, are you worried that the gravy is going to have some animal products in there andy that's what gravy is and you come and there's just like there's a guy like you get the you get a bowl of gravy different you know there's three bowl sizes and then there's a guy on the side who gives you bread which is water gravy and and he's standing on the bread he's standing on a pallet of bread and he's squishing all the bread it's they call it the flat bread but it's actually not a flat bread they're actually beautiful bouncy rolls regular bread but he squashes it and then

sometimes if he picks one up and it looks too puffy, like puffy, he smashes it in his hand and flattens it out. All right. Yeah. All right, Andy. Oh, yeah, I've got to get through the rest of this. Okay.

Then there's the You Just Ate Yogurt Game Show. And then there's the One of these motorbikes has been smeared with yogurt. Yeah, go yeah go on there's the abominable showman that's the guy up in the mountains who if sometimes hikers encounter him and he puts on an unbelievable performance and we got the paracetamol as the third seasoning. Culinary things. And we got the guy who takes the dog shits on walks.

He takes them on walks and drops them in people's yards. He might not even have a dog. Sure. Not sure. Sure. Then we have the guy who takes, I don't know, wait. We got vegetable dog shits for people who don't have pets. And this can be, you know, you could get a carrot dog shit.

This is just company that blends. Can you eat them? Are you supposed to eat them? You can eat them if you want to, but I think they are for just, they are just made for being able to put up. Just for having around. Yeah, sure. made for being able to put up. Just for having around.

Yeah, sure. I guess if you think about it, dog shits do serve, like all shit, a sort of environmental purpose. So maybe these people have it in their heads that these are like a healthier shit to have on the footpath. Yeah. What is your, how do you deal with it when you tread on a dog shit? What's your policy? I usually go for a grass or sand or something like that.

Try and wipe it on that. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes along the curb. Yeah, I'll do a curb. At the edge of the curb. Yeah, yeah, edge. Because you've got to get it out of that bit in the arch of your shoe.

Yeah, but that's why I go. If you've got a high heel. Yeah, that's why I go for a leafy thing because I feel like they all act as little hands. But do you ever go so far as to take the shoe off, get a little stick and scrape it out of the notches? I don't believe in the stick. Scrub it with a brush. Yeah.

I mean, if it comes to a point where I get back home and it's still a nightmare, then yeah, then I will do that. I don't know if I'll get a brush, but maybe like a paper towel or something. That's something disposable. Sure. And then we have the recyclable dog shit bags,

and you cleaned it in the dishwasher, and the ad. Yeah. And then the speculating Putin is grumpy because he has a bat in his house. Yeah, okay. Then we have intervention for a guy who has bugs crawling on him. And then I haven't written this down,

but technically we have a gravy restaurant. You got to write down that gravy restaurant. i think that might be my favorite idea crude there's a new gravy place that's opened up in town i'm taking my girlfriend along you know they stand in the gravy the gravy all sort of like making grapes in France and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, but they're wearing, they're wearing shoes.

Yeah, it's just to serve it out. Yeah. It just, but it also helped keep the gravy warm and would reduce your- Oh, maybe they have to

walk around in the gravy like in a sort of tornado type motion to keep the gravy moving. they keep it moving or else it doesn't, so it it doesn't create a skin on top. Yeah, so it doesn't set like concrete in a cement truck. It gets a skin.

It gets a skin. That's what they say. Why are you guys in the kitchen? Because it gets a skin if you don't keep moving it. Don't worry. These are my gravy shoes. This is how people have always done it at this restaurant. I only wear these shoes in gravy. These are my gravy shoes. This is how people have always done it at this restaurant. I only wear these shoes in gravy.

These are my gravy shoes. Yeah. I wear them here or like I have a little kiddie pool of gravy sometimes at my house for barbecues. And I wear them in there. Alistair. And you did it. Yeah. Somehow we still made it to 51 minutes even though we've.

I know. All right. here we go thank you so much for listening to me far out everything's good Andy's about to go on a trip so you know wish him good andy's about to go on a trip so you know uh wish him well send him a tweet saying hope you have a nice trip so that send me an x yeah send andy an x on tweet on twitter and uh and then if he's looking at his phone during that time you know

that things have gotten bad and on the holiday i'll be looking i know i look's looking at his phone during that time, you know that things have gotten bad on the holiday. I'll be looking. No, I look at my phone during the happiest times of my life as well. All right. Don't worry. Well, we love you. See you later. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. We'll be right back. groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials.

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