Two In The Think Tank - 393 - "CITIZEN KANE OF BLOOPER REELS"

Episode Date: August 13, 2023

Couch Crevasse Beast, AssimiLate in Life, What if Everything You Knew Was Wrong? Breath Pill, Citizan Krane Fuck Sorry Kane Can We Go Again, Look Backademy Awards, Crushing in 50 Rooms Simultaneously, Eat the (Slightly) Rich(er), Wheel of MisfortuneGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereChemically recovered thanks to George for editing this episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age please enjoy responsibly product availability varies by region see app for details mr podsworth rides a little motorcycle and he rides it all around town mr podsworth has a shiny new hat and he never sits down hello and welcome to tour of the Think Tank. The show where we come up with five sketch ideas and we are absolutely...

Andy Matthews and I was with George William Shrumbley Bircher. Oh yes, and we are humming. We are buzzing. I also appeared on the... We are thrumming. Don't you know who I am? No, wait, not that one. What's the...

What's Matt's one? Who knew it with Matt Stewart? Wookiee Wombs. With Saren and with Claire. And it was a very fun episode. And you should at least say. And I appear a lot because I'm very lucky because I live very close. And I have an in with Matt Stewart.

And I'm very lucky. You do. You do. And you exploit that. And while we're promoting things promoting i also released two episodes of shusher guided meditations s very exciting you s h e r guided meditations and would you say that people can get that wherever they they are listening they get to people still say you could get it on whatever device you're listening to this right now why why say that oh no people were saying it

for a long time but i don't think they say it anymore i think podcast is available in a new place where new types of podcasts can be got which is away from the regular way that you get podcasts because i'm trying to make it difficult for myself to get it very unlikely that you can get the podcast on whatever you're listening to this right now yes that you can get the podcast on whatever you're listening to this right now yes that's how good a podcast it's a new format you get we've released it only on neil young's ponyo ponyo is that still going is ponyo ponyo i i don't think so i don't think so but that triangular is trying yeah it doesn't fit in your pocket surely it must still be going how could you release a device like that and then just take it down

no i mean i'm sure the device still exists but it was like it was a different format right and i i i strongly suspect that they're no longer releasing you know updates to the os or whatever was running but that's the problem with anything which is just like stream only. You know, like if the company fails… It's all gone. Yeah. Everything goes, yeah. It sucks.

It's the new world where they can just like turn off your Pono is what it was called. Exactly. It's like I don't keep my memories in my brain, right? Because what if I have a terrible brain accident, okay? That's why I keep all my memories. On this pad of paper here. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no.

Just dropped my pen down a very deep crevasse in my couch. Very deep. Oh, man. This is what happens when you get... Oh, wait, no. No, that's a fucking Bakugan. Okay. Wait.

All right. I will, Andy. I know it's really early to ask you to fill. No, but there's a great, or maybe not great. I won't oversell it. What is it? But there's definitely a sketch idea in, you know, dropping something down a gap in your couch, right,

and then having to get on some kind of, like, elaborate climbing gear, you know, harnesses and that sort of thing and descend into it like in you know in in some sort of caving movie or something like that or maybe the movie was the descent where they go down into a cave and there's all these horrible creatures i think you going down into the the gap between your couch cushions and discovering hideous, slimy, ravenous beasts that live in the darkness deep, deep down between the cushions. You're trying to retrieve your pen. Yeah.

But in attempting to do this, you end up in a vast, unexplored cavern somewhere deep in the back of the couch and you're chased by beasts you know what would be good though about those beasts is that if they were funny in a way that was relevant to to the slovenliness in which the the losing the pen in this thing become you know is like itself a challenge so like if for some reason uh you know to beat one of the beasts you had to write a list of all the things you needed to do that day and you're like oh i'm never gonna beat this thing you know so you feel like they're in a way

that the creatures are representative of your failings i almost dropped the pen again i almost lost that second pen in this in the same crevasse what kind of couch is this well we were gifted this couch so it's way better than any couch we could have bought ourselves um and so it's just like just the fancy big comfy like recliner-y kind of couch. You've seen it. You've been on it. But it's just like what you don't realize is how outside of my price range it is. Yeah, I don't think about that enough. There's three zeros at least after whatever number they bought it for. That's horrific.

It's amazing, isn't it, that for a word that is four-fifths ouch, But for a word that is four-fifths ouch, couch is actually very rarely a painful thing to sit on. Well, actually, one of the reasons why it was hard to retrieve the pen is because of how painful. Once you go down deep into the crevasse, you're near all the gears and the metal structures. The gears? Well, there's gears in there that allow the extension and stuff like that. Oh, I didn't realize that it was a... They're removing parts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, wow. The lazy

boying and the lazy girling. Mmm. Sure. Hey, you know what I was thinking about this a little while ago? Yeah. With beasts. Wait.

What does it take to get you to write this fucking thing? Well, look, I've written down the couch crevasse with beasts to retrieve pen or whatever like that. But it's not developed enough. Let's both admit that. I completely disagree. Okay, great. Very great. I'm glad.

I'm not going to admit that. I'm glad someone with a little bit of authority stepped in. I think that's fully fleshed out. I was thinking about like, you know, like how sometimes you go, well, I'm not a, you know, I don't necessarily feel like a man. Right? And there is that thing. Right? right but i think but it's not that whole thing of like well toxic masculinity makes you feel like in order to be a man you got to be gruff and all that kind of stuff is that i actually don't think

at the age that i'm at that you are a man right because i think when do you feel because i think i think it goes boy and then And then eventually it becomes kind of like, maybe like early in the late teens, it becomes young man. Right? And then once you probably hit 29, you probably become just a guy. Yeah. Right? I know exactly what you're saying. Yeah. Right? I know exactly what you're saying. Yeah.

Yes. Right? And then when you probably hit your 40s, you're more of a fellow. I think man really occurs in your 50s, manhood. Yeah. True manhood. yeah true man i think um there's maybe yeah do you become a man when when people you've grown up with start to sort of you know die of old age and stuff is that like is it when you're on the well i mean at some point you are um you're a codger

sure you know i mean at a codger everybody everybody's dying. You're happy in a year where not that many of your friends die. But there's this phase when you're a pre-codge. Not to be confused with pre-cog. You guys who can see the future from Minority Report, pre-codge. Yeah, pre-codge. And yes, you're still laying with your head in a pool with three other of the men of your age. But it's like... But you're in a sort of a bath thing.

Yeah, it's more of like a sauna kind of jacuzzi kind of thing where you guys are going on some kind of... It's a soak. It's more of a soak. To ease your aching muscles. Yeah. I mean, could you do a sort of a pre-cog parody, right? Yeah. People, instead of being able to predict accurately crimes that are going to happen in the future, right? It's a bunch of people who like sit around with their heads together and talk about how everything's going to all go wrong and everything's a slippery slope, right?

Oh, this is going to lead to trouble. You mark my words, right? They're basically, I'm describing sort of those groups in America who think that, you know, kids' minds are going to be polluted by books at school and that sort of thing, and they're trying to stop children from being exposed to all these terrible ideas like accurate information about history. Sure, yeah. This is not a well-fleshed-out idea, I must say.

No, there this was something i was thinking about there is an age that you reach where you kind of become a foreigner in your own country because you get stuck in these circles that are not tapped into the the nest that like where the most people are speaking to each other because once yeah because like like for example like you know something like a lot of social media a lot of the older generation were late to come to that right and then when they get to it a lot of the generation that a lot of people move away because they're like oh they're here right yeah it's the opposite of gentrification yeah they're like they're laming it up

and so they and so like like anybody who's like got their finger on the pulse moves away because it becomes really lame having to deal with them and so they move away and so they don't get to hear what's actually going on they hear second hand and then they say to each other like oh apparently you're not allowed to say the word man anymore like that and then they go don't tell me that yeah oh i've just gotten used to not being able to say you know and then they say some really awful word yeah yeah okay so what it what it what is that like it's because because they are also the people who always like complain if there are you know new migrants coming into the country they're the ones who are always claiming uh complaining about these people failing to assimilate right and to do things you know to do to to yeah know, do the things the way we do them here, right?

But like, but also, like, you're also failing to assimilate, right? Like, you're the ones who are failing to keep up with things that are changing. Like, we're not just going to keep doing things the same forever. Yeah. That is really interesting that they're not assimilating is a really funny thing um the older generations are failing to assimilate to where the to where the country that they currently live in has moved to and they should go back to where they came from. And by that, I mean nothingness, where we all came from.

Well, where they came from, which is the country that they're in, and then return to where it's at now, which they were never at. Yes. That's what's interesting, is they've got to go back. It's kind of like going back to the future, essentially, is what they're doing. Like they're going back to the present. Yeah.

Yeah. Because time has moved on. Yeah. And they're the ones in the past. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Is there a sketch idea in that?

Yeah. I mean, it feels like it's almost a sketch idea, but I think that it's actually a strong idea. It's a stand-up angle. Stand-up angle? Like 90 degrees? It's an angle stand-up. Yeah, that's actually a strong idea. It's a stand-up angle. Stand-up angle? Like 90 degrees? Yeah, that's correct. Yeah. I've been thinking of some new angles for stand-up.

Yeah. How about this? 135 degrees. Degrees to the vertical. It's a very novel way of standing up. How long do you honestly think you could perform stand-up hanging upside down? Let's see. I mean, it's already fun, isn't it?

We're already having fun. As soon as I'm upside down, everybody's having fun. I think it is fun. Now, are you getting clicked into the boots or whatever you know it's like one of those devices that can like you you're sealed in through your boots that are locked in and then they just spin you upside down like do they have to wheel that thing on while they wheel the other guy i think there's a couple of i think there's probably a couple of strong people in in black t-shirts who when you come

onto the stage they just help you up right and get your legs hooked over a bar i suspect you're dangling from your legs but you're just wearing boots and the boots just hook into the for me i don't think you're the boots hook in i think you'll just hook your like the bat your knees over just a oh but that's a horizontal bar. That's painful. But you could be upside down without pain. Okay. I mean, look.

I mean, Andy, you're probably thinking about this being financially viable and us not having to buy any equipment just to get like a chin-up bar or something like that. That is what I was thinking. Yeah. You're like, oh, well, we'll get a cheap chin up bar that's what you were thinking I think Alistair

we owe it to ourselves we owe it to ourselves and to the comedy scene to start this comedy night upside down stand up comedy the hangar the what would you call it hang out the

handstand comedy stand stand upside down yeah um wait danglers is there is there a stand-up danglers does sound like a name does sound like the name of a comedy club. I think so. I think that would be very funny. I wonder if it would overshadow your bits, like the material that you're trying to do. But I wonder also if like when you wear

those glasses that turn everything you see upside down whether or not you just adjust your brain adjusts and eventually the the audience would no longer see you as being a person hanging upside down because of the glasses they're not wearing glasses but but there is an experiment that has been done. Do you know about this? Where they put some kind of glasses on people, right, which turned everything that they see upside down. Yeah. And it was very disorienting for those people, as you could imagine.

Yeah. For some time. But then, like, after, I don't know the the figure but after like three four days yeah their brain just flips everything they no longer see the world as being upside down yeah i'd heard about that but i'd heard it as just people had been upside down that may be the case as well but i don't think you could leave somebody dangling upside down for three days without them dying i probably heard this in primary school like this is how long ago i've heard this and a lot of psychological experiments have been disproven since you know from that era have been disproven

since then but i think i also heard it in primary school yeah um that's okay um now i think i think there's a show in that where you like you get people to recall things they learned in primary school but that haven't they haven't looked into any of the details of it yeah all the urban legends and all the weird little stories kids would tell and stuff but also you know maybe more scientific stuff like this and you just go through them one by one get guests on and you finally look into them because there are lots of things that sit uncontested in your brain because they haven't come up for years and years and years but they just sit there occupying a part of your brain where they're like contextually true in your brain like they are still classified as true in your brain because you've never re-examined them

yeah well i had a guy on a on a forum when i was in university my first few years at university say that in australia there were no crows there were only ravens right and so then from that point on i believe that there were no crows in australia only ravens so yeah you included this into a stand-up bit right where you yeah i'm pretty sure you had a bit where you talked about there being no crows in australia wow i think it was in the context of correcting your taiwanese ex-girlfriend she thought it was a crow remember that oh man i barely do she thought it was a crow that was that was that's how you delivered it yeah she thought it was a crow with that yeah i mean the hope there i guess is that i could that's right that's because

they were the western white crow that's the thing isn't it about it was your bit about how ravens take care of the elderly like asian people because she was from an asian uh the asian continent but um anyway and then one day i was at a gig and i said that to somebody and she said i'm pretty sure there's crows on the i googled it and it said oh yeah there are crows on the shine i went goddamn yeah i've spoken about that a lot. On stage. Yeah, yeah. And we need to come up with like a clear sketch idea today because at the moment we are, because we're not speaking to each other normally. So like right now we're like, we're heading into like real like, let's just chat with each other and have a nice time kind of territory.

We're not here for a nice time. I want you to know, Alistair, I'm not having a nice time. Oh, thank God. So if that puts your mind at ease, I'm not enjoying myself at all. Don't worry. I'm keeping this strictly professional. What if everything you knew was wrong? Yeah, I mean, it's a great

slogan for a movie poster, right? But they very rarely follow through on that, do they? They don't follow through with everything. No. Really. Usually only a couple of things, right? Like, oh, your parents aren't

your parents or something. You're like, okay, okay, but gravity is still down? Yeah. Because you really overhyped this. It's like an actually like a fascist kind of dictatorship or something like that, right? It doesn't usually involve like stuff like blue is a color, right? And then it's not like, no, blue is not a color.

Blue is a vacuum cleaner. You go, what? What? I think this is a really good, I think this is a great trailer for a film, sketch trailer. I think this is a great sketch trailer. With the opening thing of like what if everything or like maybe it starts with like and it is a is it is a morpheus

type character talking to the to the lead um of the film yeah saying everything what if i told you that everything you thought you knew was wrong right this is really good so far india i'm really excited i think it's gonna we can only fuck this up from this point on and then the person's like go go on you know what is it is it is it is it the government right and we're we're um they're we're not the good guys in this war or something. And the Morpheus type character is like, yes. Yes. And the other person's like, I always knew something was wrong.

I always suspected it. What are we going to do? Wait, I haven't finished. I told you everything you thought you knew was wrong. Well, if you suspected it, then that was wrong. So then we are. But then we've got to go into the detail. But then we've got to go into the detail. Yeah, we've got to go into the detail.

You know, the things like blue is actually a vacuum cleaner. And it's just a list of things like that, right? Your parents aren't who you think they are. The peel of the orange is actually the most delicious bit. Yeah. That kind of stuff. But i've had it and it wasn't that's right that's right you were wrong about that and you haven't had it you actually haven't had it and you haven't had it and another thing you think that's air you're breathing now

that's stupid that's garlosh you're breathing garlosh you're actually breathing garlosh a lot of it is just it's the wrong name that they have for things that's really funny because like i mean if you want everything to be wrong yeah it's eventually you're gonna run out of ideas just start it is it is it is i mean it is oxygen and stuff but it's not called that it's not actually called that it's just like cold oxygen it's called oxygen molecules no not. Chang, chang and bulgy. It's one chang, chang molecule and one bulgy molecule. But they're the same thing.

If you think they are, then they're not. I mean, the good thing would be that the things that you don't think you know, right, they don't have to change, right? So, when you were then talking about what oxygen molecules and stuff actually are called, they wouldn't have to change what they sort of, how they behave or what they look like, because I don't really know. I don't understand. Right? If I analyze it and I think about it, I've got no real picture of what's happening down there. Yeah.

But. So, that's okay. That's safe. But the thing is, is that, like, in order to, for the whole system to be different, Like, in order to, for the whole system to be different, because it's like, because it's hidden from view, and it just, and you base your understanding on it entirely intellectually, and then you match it up to, like, this just feeling. That's true. Like, it feels like it could be so many things still. It's true. Like, it feels like it could be so many things still.

Like, if somebody told you, like, that sensation of breathing was something else, and it was good enough for me to believe, I reckon I could easily believe it. It is interesting, isn't it? It's sort of what we use to fill in. It's sort of packaging, sort of mental packaging or something like that, or ballast or whatever. So like when your intellectual understanding of something ends or where there are gaps, they are sort of filled in with feelings. Feeling is the feeling. And so you think there's something there

you think there's some understanding or whatever but if you look at it closely it's actually just feelings that are there yeah you just go oh well it feels like my chest is going up you know it feels like my chest is expanding but i don't know does that mean that it is i'm talking more about like emotions or like or like an an intangible sort of feeling about like what what an atom is or something like that like i have i can sort of i picture and maybe like a texture and a and a level of squishiness and and things that are really just like sensational or emotional associations yeah but have no real information but there is like there is things like when you breathe in it feels good you know and when you breathe that doesn't necessarily feel bad but imagine imagine if they could capture that that feeling and turn that into a drug.

Breathing. Yeah, and then you just concentrate that and you're like, I just feel like I took the biggest breath. Yeah, I mean, in my youth I've had a substance that made breathing feel even better. Wow. even better wow you know it would actually be really dangerous wouldn't it if they could give you a drug that made you feel like you'd been breathing yeah you're like i don't need to what are you talking about what do you mean i'm i'm choking i've just took i just took the biggest breath my lungs are so full i think. I think that's a sketch idea. Or it's like a,

you know, it could be a weird unit, unit thing or something where somebody has created this drug that makes people think that they've taken a really deep breath and they haven't. And, and a lot of people are dying, being found dead from just like stopping breathing. Yeah. No,

they weren't suffocated they just stopped breathing they they're talking to somebody who is who is on this stuff and the person can't talk because there's no oxygen in their lungs there's nothing in there to breathe out so they're getting them to write write it down on a piece of paper as their brain's shutting down. They're like, no, I'm breathing. What are you talking about? Yeah, sorry. It both makes you feel like you've taken a breath and really forgetful. But I wonder, though, would you be forgetful?

I don't think I'm conscious I'm not conscious of it. Imagine you felt like you're taking a breath. Like, so let's say I'm talking like this and I go, man, it feels so good. I'm having such a good time. And then it's just like, I just can't believe how good this thing feels. And I'm just like, this is like really hard to actually talk to you. And I'm just talking because I just love it. I just love this drug. And then I pass out. And I imagine when you pass out, you just start breathing.

Maybe. But I think also breathing could be like a, what's an unconscious thing. I got to tell you, it was actually quite hard to do that that was very good to just not take a moment and applaud what you just achieved that was very impressive i really and it was very realistic i played the role of that guy because i really didn't take a breath and i just kept speaking now your method i'm so method andy i'm like that guy that everybody hates who said they played the joker and sent the pig head jared leto yeah yeah be great to go back to stanislavski guy who invented that

method yeah and just tell him a few of the things people have been doing. And you go, oh, fucking assholes. And no, and he's like, yeah, no, that's it. Actually, that is the method, is mail used condoms to people. It was, it wasn't really about acting at all to begin with. That was a happy side effect. Yeah, it was mostly actually a way of me selling used condoms. Getting rid of my used condoms. You know, I'm just trying to find a way of monetizing all of the things that I produce.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Indeed. I saw a good thing today. All my outputs. I got, who's the guy who made the thing about the sled that had a name? Orson Welles. Yeah. I saw an interview with him. Had a name. Orson Welles. Yeah. He's on an interview with him.

Had a name. Yeah. Somebody asked him, this is a great interview for a guy to say. He says, did you ever give a role to a friend instead of somebody who would have been better for the part? And he said, yes.

And he said, have you ever regretted that and he said yes and he said would you do it again and he says absolutely and he said why he says because i just don't value art as that important like in terms of the things that i value art is the last thing on the list right and i think there's something so good there like i mean it doesn't match up with the fact that he produced one of the best movies of all time but but also the idea that like somebody would think like that and kind of be like yeah yeah you can make good stuff and it doesn't and it won't be

as good as it could have been right but it's not the only thing that matters that doesn't matter because because have you ever tried giving a friend a job and seeing them happy yeah validating somebody's talent who you care about yeah so i think there was like, I mean, that was very nice. Now. Yeah. Because I feel like there probably is the absolute opposite that occurs where people get what they feel is the best person for the job. And, and shun away all their friends and make a piece of shit. Yeah. I mean, how many good things are there out there?

There's a fair few, but there's a lot where it's like... But I'm trying to think that, like, you know, I don't know if that comes from getting the person that you think is the best for the job. It probably comes from other compromises. I think, you know, like, I don't think you can blame it on that specifically. No. I think that there are. But that being said, there is probably a psychology and a single-mindedness required to shun the humanity of the people that you care about, focus only on the outcome of a product and that single-mindedness will be your undoing in some way and result in work that is not good for other reasons. You will be blind to other important factors. I don't know.

Yeah. But I love his directness and that is a really great question. Yeah. But I love his directness. And that is a really great question. Yeah. You don't hear interesting questions all that often. Yeah, absolutely. In interviews. It's like, tell us about the movie. Were there any fun pranks on set?

What's it about? I think that would be a great thing. Yeah. We resurrect Orson Welles and we ask him, were there any fun pranks on the set of Citizen Kane? This is what we want to know. We wrench his undead soul from beyond the veil. Were there any good outtakes, like sort of bloopers?

Imagine if Citizen Kane also had the best bloopers. I mean, it makes sense, right? The best movie of all time should have the best bloopers. There you go. This is the Citizen Kane of blooper reels. It's also the blooper reel of Citizen Kane. It's also the blooper reel of Citizen Kane. I think it's...

I'm writing it down because I just like how stupid it is. Wait, it's the... Citizen... Citizen... Oh no, I can't write citizen. Citizen. C-I-T-I Z-E-N of blooper

reels. Also the blooper reel of Citizen Kane. It would be incredible. It's probably the only achievement

that he hasn't had. Yeah. I mean, maybe just because he didn't have the kahunas to release his blooper reel. Because there's less blooper reels when it's on a shot of film, isn't there? What's that? Like, is there less blooper reels

since things have been filmed? Like, is there more blooper reels since things have been filmed? Is there more blooper reels since digital technology? It feels like you have more ability to make blooper reels. Yes, you can do so many more takes and that sort of thing. Or is it that when you made bloopers on film, Or is it that when you made bloopers on film, the film is so valuable that you had to find a way to use it in other ways? And that's where blooper reels came from. Very possibly. And I don't know.

And there probably is such a huge volume of takes with digital that it's almost not worth going through them to find that kind of thing. And they aren't memorable because they're just all washed out into nothingness. Yeah. But I think – Yeah, go on. I think like if we discovered the blooper reel of Citizen Kane and it was the funniest film of all time, right, and it was so funny that it was in a way like dangerous or something like that it is you know there's a bit of an infinite jesty kind of thing potential to it there that like

to discover this thing and because it's the greatest film of all time it also has the most hilarious outtakes and it very possibly does i mean have you seen that there are amazing outtakes of orson wells doing ads and stuff have you seen any of those i've seen a little bit of that but maybe not as much as a conscious adult i feel like i probably only became conscious in the last year and a half i i feel like i've made similar bold claims but that i I don't think I was saying in the last year and a half. No, I was joking there. But it probably is like, you know, like, because it does feel like sometimes you do become more conscious as the years go on. You probably become less conscious of some things and more conscious of other things.

Because sometimes we look at old work or whatever and you go, I can't believe I knew that back then. Yeah. Yeah. look at old work or whatever and you go i can't believe i knew that back then yeah yeah i think i think our um our consciousness rolls along and we probably maybe it's that we only have a memory of our the self is like the memory of ourselves is only stored in a shorter buffer yeah and so yeah i have gone back and like read and looked at some of my old work and things that i said and wrote a long time ago and been quite surprised that i was that coherent yeah and and you know there's also a lot of stuff that is real trash and i'm mortified yeah that i ever thought that was anything like there is a lot of stuff where i'm like there is there is absolutely nothing here yeah and that i would have had the some of that might be my stupidity sometimes that might be my influence because

i feel like it's sometimes in order to get to something you've got to write nonsense no it's not that alistair this is crap i was producing entirely on my own i would love to include you in it i think your i think your influence if anything it's been the exact opposite of like ensuring some kind of accountability to the to there be content i just don't understand how life can continue passing and that you're like oh i just want to make stuff and that actually getting to sit down and make stuff that is like where you work on it until you're happy with it is one of the most difficult things to find the time to do yeah like that a lot of the time it's just like oh everything is made at towards a level of like

you've got to be able to make it within the week and and then just get it out the door we don't have time this is like things aren't made to the quality of the best of your ability they're made to the quality of the best that you can do within three days a week. And then within that time frame. And that feels completely insane. Sketch shows, all that kind of stuff. Stuff that goes to TV. The idea that you would write it in a week.

You would write things in a day, send send it off and then somebody looks at it maybe once right they go do a couple edits and then they film it you go that's insane you need months to be able to look back at it and go this is a piece of shit you need to be able to like like write things and then be able to go oh i had an idea that came back to me three months later and I went, this would be the perfect punchline for that. Yeah. I mean, you almost need to, like they say, was it our idea or was it somebody else's idea? Probably someone else's idea that you shouldn't give out the Oscars until 10 years later. Right?

We did have an idea like that. So, we should be doing the Oscars for 2013 now. Yeah. Right? But also maybe you should write, you know, we should be writing stuff, writing it as if it's going out this week, but then at the end of the week put it away and come back to it in a year and then, you know, do it again and maybe do it again a year later as far

as like things that you could do that are interesting is doing the 10 years later oscars and have a 10 years later academy yeah is that's a really great idea and like i know we've probably already mentioned this year but like i feel like we're kind of like connected to enough people now that that's a genuine thing that we could actually organize with a big group of people. And like, we know enough people that actually do things that are involved in like movie reviews and things like that. And we could get a big, you know, like they could probably connect people to a big network of worldwide reviewers. And then put on, and we have a studio where we could put on a ceremony for the 10 years later Oscars. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think Alexei Tolyopoulos is probably the person who could make this happen. Yeah. He's a one-man academy. Academy. I'm now trying to think of a pun for that. It's bold, isn't it? They're not just called the academy, right?

They must be called the academy of something or other Oh, the academy of film and TV? Motion picture Motion picture academy, is that what it is? I don't know The motion cacher academy? Is that motion capture? No, but do you know motion cacher?

I know motion cacherher but they should do motion get moshe kasher to do motion capture motion capture i mean it'd be crazy for the motion capture academy to not get moshe kasher to host their thing yeah i mean really um this is the same way that the oscars always get a guy who does all the monkeys? You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monkey Man. That little guy. Little Monkey Man who's like a very serious actor. I love how serious an actor that he tries to portray himself as.

I know. It's like, yes, you're an actor, blah, blah, blah. I know everybody thinks he's seriously. But also, you crawl down on the ground and go yes it's different to eat a fish or something like that pretend you're mine you sort of squirm around don't you and you jump up onto onto green boxes stuff, don't you? It's different though, isn't it?

It's not the same. Andy, he's called Andy Circus. Andy Circus, yeah. It's ridiculous, isn't it? That you're like, we need a guy to pretend to be an animal. Do we know anyone called Circus? We need a man to play an ape in Primate of the Apes. Sorry, Planet of the Apes. They should have called it Primate of the Apes.

That would have been really good. Primate of the Apes. Yeah, they should have called it that, shouldn't they? And they should have called Andy Serkis Moshe Kasher. It would have been really good. Or even better, Motion Capture. That would have been really good. Or even better, Motion Capture. That would have, wow, that is a lot better, actually. Should have called it Motion Capture of the Apes.

Or they could have called Motion Capture Andy Serkis. That's really good. Of the Apes. Imagine if he changes his name to Motion Capture, right? Andy Serkis changes his name to Motion Capture, right? Andy Serkis changes his name to Motion Capture. He discovers on the exact same day the people have decided to change the name of Motion Capture to Andy Serkis. Oh, no. Oh, he'd be devastated.

I know. Yeah. Oh, how embarrassing. Just as he thought that he had played them, they were always one step ahead. Yeah, I thought it was a coincidence. No, it was the motion capture people. It was just an unfortunate coincidence.

Just like chess players. Oh. Oh, no. We should have filled their motion capture academy with people who did motion capture rather than all these chess masters. Something that you talked about, I believe, on your latest episode of Who Knew It with Matt Stewart was something about performing comedy to multiple rooms. It was like instead of audiences, sort of audience members, it's rooms or something like that.

versus sort of audience members, it's rooms or something like that. But I was thinking a great thing to do would be to do like Gary Kasparov playing, you know, 50 games of chess simultaneously. You're performing to all these different rooms simultaneously, right? You're having to remember all the people that are in each one and try to remember. Exactly, all your crowd work and stuff that you're doing. And're going you're sort of running from room to room but like like uh gary kasparov you're killing in every room right and like the thing is that you're just doing one joke and then moving on yeah yeah but the laughter is you got that laugh to roll you

get that rolling laugh you've got time to run around do all the other rooms you get that laughter roll, you get that rolling laugh. You've got time to run around, do all the other rooms. You get back, we're just at the exact right moment as the laugh is sort of petering out. Hit him again with a tag. On you go to the next room. Oh, yeah, I like that. One time, like Garry Kasparov. Yeah, I like that. One time, like Garry Kasparov.

But also, I think truly great chess players can play games entirely in their head, right? They hold their whole picture of the board in their head. They don't need to play it physically, in reality. And I think the greatest comedians probably are capable of the same thing. They just sit there in a chair imagining the room and crushing yeah i have occasionally on occasion done visualization where i'm like i'm doing rooms really and i've like just like as i'm falling asleep sometimes i've kind of gone like and i don't know why like this is is a room in Melbourne for people who are listening, but I always picture it being spleen. Yeah.

And I always come out at spleen. And then it's, like, I think as a way of, like, picturing, like, opening lines is, like, really interesting. But also this same room has appeared in, like, dreams where I'm doing stand-up and it goes real bad and things like that it's just kind of a perfect for me i think it's like a perfect kind of comedy room because it's like it's not a professional comedy room but it's a perfect example of what comedy is when you are just doing like rooms i don't know but it also it has a reputation right it's still something to aspire to i think performing there for a lot of people yeah maybe not for you alistair you might be i like doing it there it's a it's a something i aspire to even when i'm not

when i when i know that's something I can access. Yeah. Anyway, look, we probably have five ideas. A lot of them are not quite ideas, but I... Yeah, I think we should move on. I think we should go to three words from a listener. And today's listener, Andy, is Alex Lloyd. Alex Lloyd. Incredible. Lloydster.

Now, I don't think that we've done these words before, but they were interesting. They're very interesting words, Andy. Okay. It's a bit of a clue. Do you want to try to guess what they may be? Okay. Interesting words.

Okay. The first word is glub. Glub? What does that mean, Andy? What does glub mean? It's just the sound that you make as you drown, I suppose. Yeah, to glub. I glubbed into nothingness.

My consciousness glubbed away into nothingness. That isn't correct, unfortunately. It's a great word, though, in almost its own sketch idea. But, unfortunately, the first one is schadenfreude, which I experienced while you failed to get that. Sure, I bet you felt real lofty. Actually, the whole point of you guessing words is schadenfreude. I get so much joy at you not getting this right.

The whole reason that we do this. The second word is Messerschmitt. You know what? You are wrong, but I appreciate you staying in the kind of German section. Yeah, okay. The second word is slobberknocker. Schadenfreude, slobberknocker. Now, what is a slobber knocker i have not looked it up

okay a slobber knocker do you know what a slobber knocker is i really don't but it sounds like somebody who would um walk up and down the aisles of a church poking people who have fallen asleep and a draw drooling on their their own shoulder right well a slobber knocker according to wiktionary is a violent collision experienced by a person um you know so like a violent physical confrontation that was a real slobber knocker of a football game. Yeah, sure. You know?

And then the third word. Do you want to try and guess what that is? Schadenfreude. Slobber knocker. Sorry. I was like, oh, that sounds like you were on the money, but then you were just repeating the words. Okay, I think it's going to be an interesting S word. Yeah. Schlipovitz.

Schlipovitz? I mean, I appreciate you guessing something that doesn't exist, right? I'm pretty sure that's a... Or is it Schliverwitz? What is that? There's some fancy vodka or something like that called that. Well, it's a great guess. Unfortunately, it's shenanigans.

Sure. Schadenfreude, slobberknocker, shenanigans. Schadenfreude, s Slobberknocker. Shenanigans are, are shenanigans legal, right? Like, it feels like if you're doing shenanigans, it's probably not illegal. Yeah. Shenanigans is just a bit of fun. Yeah, but they are on the other side of the moral acceptability. Yes.

Or else what is it, right? It's not a shenanigan. You can't be like, oh, we had some shenanigans today. We went to church and we fed the poor. Yeah, shenanigans. Shenanigans, you're like, we went to church and we took a little bit of the poor into a wood chip yeah yeah we took a little bit of the uh the the sort of the the money that they give to the church and we fed the poor into a uh to a to an even poorer person i mean that almost feels like it's moral, doesn't it?

It does. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, it's easy to say, eat the rich. You know, that's a common catchphrase for the socially minded. But we're all rich compared to somebody. Well, that's right. I guess, is it more ethical to feed a poor person to a poorer person? Or is it more ethical to feed a poorer person to a poor person? Because to the poorer person, eating a poor person, that's kind of eating the rich.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's eating somebody who's of better means and therefore, you know, it seems like they have a moral higher ground. But then the poorer person is also suffering more. And so when the poor person eats the poor person, they are, you know, easing them of their suffering. you know easing them of their suffering they're easing them of more suffering they could also ease them of their suffering by being eaten by the poorer person right so i think if we're looking for the truly moral course it is for the to feed the poor to the poorest yeah. It actually isn't okay to feed, to eat the rich.

You should be eating the poor, but only as long as you are very, very poor. I have been thinking recently, and I don't want this to be misinterpreted by any authorities that are listening. I have been thinking recently that probably we do need to start killing some of the very rich people andy we've all been thinking that for a long time yeah and that's because it's the only way that you can get the distribution of wealth i'm i'm not even i'm not even i i don't i think their money i'm happy for their money to just disappear, right, to go with them. I just think they are causing a lot of problems.

They're using up a lot of resources. They're making the world demonstrably worse, and they're destroying the environment. Sure, sure, sure. And I think we should probably kill them. Andy, was it that text message you just got, was it from the authorities? I didn't get a text message. Well, did I get a text message? Oh, it must have been me.

Oh, it must have happened in the, okay. I just got a text message and I heard it and I thought everybody would have heard it, but it must have been on my phone. And it is from the authorities. They said, I have to send that jolt of electricity through the podcast telecommunication device in order to knock you out now because you're becoming too self-aware. What was it? Schadenfreude. Slobberknocker shenanigans.

Schadenfreude, so taking joy in the suffering of others. So taking joy in the suffering of others. Slobberknocker being hit hard in the face and shenanigans being a bit of derring-do, a bit of jiggery-pokery, a bit of... Are there any synonyms for shenanigans that aren't themselves stupid words? Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? I mean, we've got shenanigans that aren't themselves stupid words. Yeah, it's hard, isn't it?

I mean, we've got shenanigans, but is there heenanigans? That's stupid. A bit of heenanigans. Heenanigans. It's always the sheenanigans that are considered negative. But I think... She and nana are both in there. And're getting which is a very womanly drink yes i'm actually having some gin tonight shenana gin okay wait we're gonna shout for it so it's feeling

good about bad things happening to people we got people who are having bad things happen to them where in which collisions are occurring right and then we have shenanigans now it sounds like we're talking about some kind of reality show here right shenanigans is a great name for a reality show yeah right okay so we get and we get 15 people they're locked in a something i mean what about 15 people and their objective is to create as much trouble as they can without breaking the law? Right? Yeah. I mean, is that just sort of standard prank show?

Is that basically what Balls of Steel is? I'm not sure. I don't think Balls of Steel is well enough known or was anything. All I remember from Balls of Steel was that a guy was dressed up as the devil. See, now that's – Doesn't feel like anything, does it? Okay. So, but you've got to – and I'm not sure like what the what the what the metric is here like perhaps you want

you want people to um to call the authorities on you to call the police yeah to dub you in but when the police come they say well there's actually he's not technically doing anything wrong we can't actually if if somebody calls the authorities on you and each person has the ability to call the authorities on the other person and if they call the authorities the other person hasn't done anything illegal oh it's really good then you're out yes so you're trying to create the impression that you aren't committing crimes or breaking the law. So you're causing the impression that you're committing crimes. So you're like smoking cigarettes within like 20 meters of a hospital. This is always my example of people committing a crime.

Right. You're trying to do things that look illegal, but they're not. And so what do you do in preparation for it? Is you study the law and you know maybe you you make it look like you're smoking but actually you just inhaled a whole lot of flower dust or something earlier and it's just in your lungs and you're just coughing it out right but the cigarette's not lit you look like it's actually in public because like what's what's the like what that's not actually your penis that's somebody else's

penis a severed penis you've got in your pants i think i think having a severed penis and you've got it in your pants. I think having a severed penis that you're flogging off in public might still be... Because you're probably not allowed to manipulate the dead body parts of another person. It'd be a very interesting loophole. What if the person's not dead?

They might not be dead. That's really good. It's a loophole. There's a strategy involved in this game. Look, do you feel like this is a good enough reality for them? Absolutely, this is a sketch idea, Alistair.

What's it called? It's a classic sketch idea. It's called Shenanigans. There's the Schadenfreude elements in there. Slobberknocker, less so. Slightly less so, but... Illegal. It's hard to write this in the place where I'm writing it, but... Wheel of Misfortune.

There you go. That could be... It's the opposite of Wheel of Fortune. You've got to... You've got some letters. You've got to, you've got some letters, you've got some empty tiles, and you want to be able to get a wheel. It's Wheel of Fortune, but instead of existing phrases that you've got to guess, you've got to coin new ones. You've got to coin a new phrase that everybody agrees is a good phrase. Yeah.

And you've got the letters up on the board. P Z T L And they're existing letters that you've got to work with

in as well. That's amazing. But tell us but you got to just keep adding letters until it becomes a phrase that yeah and then the person who turns it into a phrase that has some meaning yeah potato rind zaps um graham oh sorry that's gobbledygook all right alistair we should go okay sorry i've been pretty useless today i've also been useless

um i think we're okay a couch crevice with a beast to retrieve pen. With beasts to retrieve pens. So you kind of get, remember what that idea is. Then we have older, I'm really, I'm in the dark at the moment, so I've got to try to read this.

Older generations needing to go back to where they come from to fit in with the current society. But assimilate is the key word there. come from to fit in with the current society. Yes. But assimilate is the key word there. Assimilate.

Then we go, what if everything you know was wrong? Trailer. But I do mean everything. Type character. Was wrong. Trailer. But I do mean everything. Morpheus type character.

We have Guy creates a drug that makes them feel like they have taken a breath. Then we have the Citizen Kane of blooper reels and also the blooper reel of Citizen Kane, one of the truly greatest things ever made. I feel like there probably is, it's very possible there is a drug out there, or like there is a chemical or something that you could isolate that would make people think that they'd taken a breath. It feels almost realistic.

It feels pretty realistic. It'd feel like the best breath you've ever had it'll also be the last one because it's your last and then we have the uh perfuming no performing to 50 rooms at a time like gary casparov and then we have feel wait feel the oh feed the poor to the poorer I think that's an idea ready because it is ethical that's right feed the poor feeding the poor to the poor is ethical and then we have uh shenanigans the tv show in brackets not illegal and then we have the opposite of Wheel of Fortune. It's Wheel of Fortune, but it's like all the contestants

are like Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, and Dorothy Parker, and they're all trying to coin new phrases. You don't need to write that down. You don't need to write that down. But you have to coin new phrases. Yes. Andy, we did it. That's another episode. My God.

Another ripper. Another ripper episode. Another bang, bang, banger. A bang, bang, banger. Here we go into the song. That's right. Bang, bang, banger. Bang, bang, banger. Here we go into the song. Bong, shika-dong-dong. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Bong, shika-dong-dong. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Bang, click, flip, flop.

Thank you, everybody, for listening to Two in the Think Tank. Oh, my gosh. Thank you for listening to Two in the Think Tank. If this is your first episode, where have you been all our lives? Hmm. Yeah. Where have you been all your life it's hard to remember isn't it you forget most of your life but if you check your google history you can see where some of the parts when you've had your uh your location services activated you can get records of where you've been and it actually makes it kind of easier to remember where you were on that day and what you did that's yeah that'll be handy if i ever have to write an autobiography it'll be i mean it won't be interesting is that

when you wrote a biography about a car i'll be able to describe fucking hell. Oh, we're just getting, we're just heating up now, Alistair. We're just getting good. I can't believe it's the end of the episode. Oh, neither can the listeners. Oh, no. It's called an autobiography. Why do I have to write it?

Sounds like it should just happen. It should write itself. Yeah. Jesus Christ. And it's so awful to have to end the episode now when we're just fucking firing. Right. And we love you.

Wait, I've got to just get you. Bye. Thank you so much. It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea,

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