Two In The Think Tank - 395 - "PANTOMIME MAN"

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

Centaur Name, Pantoman, Genital Cone, Cone-Head Date, Dig Down; Stupid!, Side is the new Back, Four Drink Cow, Superior RobotGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereThrumming apologies to George for my shoddy editing on this podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Two and the Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy James, and I'm Alice Trombley Matthews Birchall Holy moly And I am Alistair George William Matthews Birchall We did so good

Riffing around With those names And playing We were creating A little name Centaurs Yeah How about that

Names Your centaur name. That's when you take half of your name, the top part of your name, and then you add it to the bottom part of a horse's name. My name is Alistair George William Kybee Deaver. This is a great... Yeah, this is great. Maybe it should be like a horse

that was... Maybe that won the Melbourne Cup the year you were born. Well, that's what I went for. Like if it was... Oh, yeah, right. If we want to get this going as a Twitter meme,

it's got to be your centaur name is your first name and a couple of your middle names. One or two of your middle names combined with the name of the horse. Well, I was just taking whatever the top of my name is. Yeah, sure.

My top half of my name just happens to be real big. Yep. Yep. What about this? Letters-wise. Yeah. Go, go, hit me. Hit me with your thing.

My thing is not important. It was just mathematics. A pantomime centaur, right? Yeah. So, your top half. Yeah. Your top half, man, and then your bottom half, pantomime horse. Now, I think that the pantomime horse is probably two men,

but maybe the front man has had his upper body chopped off, and that's where your upper body is joined on. But he's not you. He's a different man. Yeah. I was thinking, what if it's like a pantomime man, and it's two men inside a man? That's a really good idea.

How would you make that work? Well, you would make one man the... Is the man running on all fours? Yeah. Okay, he can try and stand upright and when he does that the legs of the front man become the man's arms. The pantomime man's arms.

Okay, wait. Right? So if you think about it, your pantomime man in his natural state, I think, probably looks like a person running on all fours. Right? Mm-hmm. but if you, and that means that the front person in the pantomime man, the man in the man,

his legs are the arms of the pantomime man that are being used to run on the ground, right? Yeah. Now, if the person in the back of the pantomime man was strong enough, they could maybe grab the front man around the waist and lift him up over their head. And that person could

fold their body in half and then their legs are the arms of the pantomime man when the pantomime man attempts to stand. I think it would actually be easier if the front of the pantomime man was a child. Yeah, sure.

But are we interested in this being easy? Well, no, but just because the arms are shorter than the legs anyway. Sure. And being in that bended position would be harder if you're taller in the front. Yeah, yeah. position would be harder if you're taller in the front yeah yeah but i think the horrible how ungainly and weird and unsettling it looks is probably a big part of the appeal yeah and i love this i love this a lot i think we should try and make this. Yeah. Yeah, we got to start connecting with our cosplay friends who are good at making costumes.

It is, of course, you know, I mean, I think probably a true pantomime man does need to have two horses inside. Of course. Of course. No, I agree with that. You want to be strictly mathematical about it? Like the...

But that might be for a horse pantomime. Right. Sure. A pantomime you put on for horses. Which humans are allowed to watch. Just in the same way that a horse is technically... There's nothing in the rule book that says that a horse can't watch a human pantomime. That's right.

That's right. You can't stop a horse from watching a human pantomime. You can stop a horse from watching the traffic and the peripheral vision, or in its regular vision. I think all it has is peripheral vision, isn't it? Is that right? That's all horses have. Because their eyes just point to the side.

No, no, no. Everything's all horses have. Because their eyes just point to the side. No, no, no. Everything's peripheral for them. But if your eye points to the side, then that's your front vision. No, that's your whole periphery. It's all periphery. Andy, it can't be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm just telling you the way that things are.

I'm just telling you what it is. I'm sorry you don't like the information. What about this? A placenta, right? I'm sorry I'm just telling you the way that things are. I'm just telling you what it is. I'm sorry you don't like the information. What about this? A placenta, right? And it's half placenta, half man. Yeah, I do like that. You do like that.

I thought so. I mean, that's pretty much what a person looks like when they're in a beanbag. But wait, so... And I do mean in a bean bag. Yeah, but like, how do you picture the placenta or being? Is it... Is your standard a natural placenta or in its natural state?

Yeah, obviously. Is it the upper half or the lower half of the human that's in the placenta or that is the placenta? It's placenta or that is the placenta? The upper half is the placenta. Because it's almost like a human jellyfish. Yeah, okay.

Because you could imagine a situation in which jellyfish don't live in the sea, but they have legs. And they just run. You don't think they sort of jump and waft? You know, it might be possible for them to operate in the air. No, but you're talking about an air one. I'm talking about a land one.

They sprint. They go top speed everywhere, but they have no eyes. No eyes. And their tentacles drag behind them on the ground, collecting all sorts of horrible lint. They pick up bugs and they get snagged on logs and stuff. Well, picking up bugs is probably what they love. Yeah, that's what they want.

That's why they do it. What they don't like is how everybody's treading on them all the time. So they have two human legs and then just a bunch of tentacles. And cargo pants. I'm picturing cargo pants. Cargo shorts, will you allow me? I'll allow you this one. This one indulgence, Andy.

What are those... Not shallots. What are those weird shorts that are like a dress, half a skirt, half a pair of shorts? Some would call it a skort, but it's not... It just doesn't seem like it is a skirt if it has pant legs. Is there such a thing as a cargo skirt? You know, I've not...

Maybe in the military? Cargo evening dress? Queen Elizabeth would have worn while she was repairing vehicles. Or even Mary Curie while she was driving around her X-ray cars. Ambulance. Ambulances. I will look up cargo skirt just to see. Yeah, because I think if not, it's something we should investigate.

Invest. I'm getting a lot of cargo skirt stuff. Really? I mean, of course. A lot. Right. What about cargo skorts then? Cargo skort?

Wait, I don't know about... I don't understand how a skort could work. It couldn't be half legs. It'd be a skirt. But it's got a little separator in between the legs, basically. It's quite baggy and skirt-like, but then there is a bifurcation going on and there is a divider. What is the word?

Oh, this was so relevant when I was in high school. This is all anyone talked about. Really? It's a word a bit like shallots. I guess it's maths, isn't it? It's how to divide the skirt. Yes. Does it...

I think in order for it to remain a skirt, does it have to have like a little Panama Canal in between the two? The two halves. In between the two halves. So that like air or something can pass through and it can remain... They're still united.

Like ideologically a skirt i've just got a text from carly who has heard us from the other room she says it's called a culotte a culotte or just like a regular like it's not a regular culotte culottes yeah that's it culottes culottes yeah but those are's it. Culottes. Culottes. Yeah. But those are just like... Isn't that just the French word for shorts? Yeah, but we've taken it

and we've used it to describe a skort. Culotte. Look it up. I mean, I'm looking. I don't know why I'm looking it up because I know'm looking i don't know why somehow i've translated i've translated it anyway all i know is that i've translated it from english into chinese and that's something like that okay now that i'm looking at them in pictures they don't look anything like i imagined they just look like yeah shorts i mean i think

they're one of those things you know it's like you were doing you guys were doing um you guys were doing sort of theoretical uh clothes um you know like theoretical sewing what's it called like what's it called when you sew make clothes tailoring? You guys were doing like, yeah, you were like theoretical tailorists. Okay, wait. Well, I've looked up culottes. Oh, wait, no. In English.

I've found one or two pairs that meet my definition of something that if you don't know, if you don't look closely, you can't tell that it's shorts. It looks like a skirt. But, you know, since I feel like I've been knocked down off my high horse and I've lost interest in this now.

I don't even really remember what the point was. I think, I guess the culotte, because it's kind of a loose short, it feels like each leg gets its own skirt. Is that kind of what the idea is? Yeah. Yeah, that's,

I think you're right. It's, yeah. You know, each leg, I mean, or I guess for the men, a male culotte, each man, each leg gets its own kilt.

Yeah. You know? Now, is there a situation in which each leg gets its own pair of pants? It's called a two lot. Wow. Each leg gets its own pair of pants. Yeah. So, like, you know, you get... I guess you can only put your leg in one of the legs of each pair of pants' legs. It's harder, yes. And it's harder for me to imagine that

than it is for me to sort of go back in the pantomime horse direction and imagine a um a situation where it's basically now two people have to wear the one skirt you know like like we're taking the maps in the other way and instead of saying well okay so you've got pants that's where each leg gets a skirt, then you have a skirt, and then you would presumably go to having, well, each leg only gets, so in a skirt, each leg only gets half a skirt, right? But then you'd want to go to each leg only gets a quarter of a skirt,

and that means you have to have two people in the one skirt. And I think this is probably, I don't know, maybe that's communism. Maybe that's what the liberal left wants us to have. Do they want that, though, do you think? Well, I mean, if they're trying to get men to wear skirts, right? But that's us. Is that us, Andy? Are we the liberal left? Yeah, that's what we want. We want men to wear dresses, right? But once we've got men to wear dresses,

then we want two men to wear the one dress. We want perfect diversity in each skirt. So we want one female person, one male person, one non-binary person, maybe a gender fluid person, but then when they become male,

somebody else has, you know, when they're feeling more male, somebody else has to... Get into the skirt or get out of the skirt? Yeah, I'm not sure. They just have to come and go and leave the skirt sometimes. And somebody else has to come in. But that's good because it allows for air flow.

Right. Is this like when termites push the air around a mound? It's a similar thing. Or is it somehow like doping in a solar panel? What happens in a solar panel. What happens in a solar panel? Oh, okay. So we're really talking about my favorite topic here. Now, this is semiconductors.

Semiconductors, yeah. A semiconductor, you can shrink the band gap between the two types of conductive material. I'm already having a good time. By introducing doping molecules from a different material into the substrate. Like germanium or something? Well, I think you might have germanium as your substrate

and then you might dope in phosphorus atoms or something like that. Okay. And that makes it easier for electrons to make it into the conduction band and therefore for the thing to carry electricity. I believe. It's been a while. Oh, man, how do we turn this into communist spirits? It's so hard is it just do you think it just means we had velcro to the skirt you know it's not all skirts some of it is velcro so we're adding you know an impurity which is velcro and that allows it makes it easier for gender fluid members of the communist skirt that the liberal left want to leave when they're feeling more male or female or neutral.

I'll tell you what, it doesn't make sense that you have the whole skirt, right, to go around your whole body. Like if men are wearing skirts, it doesn't make sense that you have the whole skirt to go all to go around your whole body. Like if men are wearing skirts, it doesn't make sense that they have the whole skirt to go all the way around your body. When, you know, you don't even know if there's going to be a person looking, trying to look at your, or being exposed to your buttocks or your private parts in front of you and behind.

I think you only need half of a skirt in the front or the back, right? And you can, either you can rotate to always be presenting the covered up side to people who are watching. And then if you need to go out into a crowded space, then you just get a buddy and you go butt to butt, right? And shuffling along butt to butt. Now there's two men in a total skirt.

It's always the problem though, isn't it? It's always the problem when you have to rely on somebody else and they're late or something like that. And then you're going butt to wall. Yeah. You have to go to butt to wall. I mean, you're looking at your phone, so who gives a shit? But what if you just had the skirt,

but it's a skirt that uses dog cone technology? Okay, go on. Yeah, and the thin bit of the cone goes around the front genital, right? Yeah. I think we have come up with this. This was the ball gown. It's just a tube. Hang on, but I'm continuing. Okay, wait. It's just a tube. Hang on. But I'm going, I'm continuing.

Okay, great. Right? But then you've got your back genital that you need to also cover. And it has its own, it has its own cone. Right? Yeah. And it has its own cone because you don't want that to be exposed to the elements. But that cone continues and goes around like a croissant and

joins up to your front coin a cone sure and then this truly is like a panama canal right yeah they get this they get to share in their kind of genital fog you know yes but you know the the what would it be like you know those are the shameful, you know, the, what would it be? You know, those are the shameful areas and it's right that they should be confined to the same space,

the same enclosure. Yeah. And maybe you could have one, a cone that goes from the nipple, a croissant that goes from the nipple to the other nipple. To the other nipple. And really, this is the perfect item of clothing, right?

Yeah. These sort of shame croissants that enclose only the most crucial and vile, unpleasant of the human body parts. Let's admit it. They're the pink bits or purple bits. Yeah? The worst colors. And they tighten. They kind of tighten like a

wire zip, like a zip tie. Yeah. Okay. Because that way they can really get their cling. Mm. You know, they can really hold on to the skin like that. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how this is really working in the butt department. It's going all the way around the butt.

Oh, really? Right around the whole butt? The whole butt. I was thinking just the butt hole, but this is the whole butt. You were just thinking the anus. No, that's a mistake. That's a mistake that you were making. Yeah, wow.

Zip tie around the butt. That's very interesting. So it's almost like a fitted sheet, right? This opening. Or a shower cap. It's sort of a full it's a it's a yeah it's a it's a sort of moldable plastic that you can it's more like a like a like a like a plastic that has been like an enconed plastic an enconed plastic yeah yeah okay what do you think about having that kind of that croissant cone going from the head of one lover to the head of the other lover?

Okay, and now is it covering your whole head then? Whole head. Right, so you're in a sort of like a balloon almost. Yeah, you're also buried up to your neck in sand. moon almost yeah you're also buried up to your neck in sand like this is as a date idea yeah and then you don't see each other because the cone goes up and down yeah okay you might just see the top of each other's head maybe if they're wearing like a like a you know like a like a you know one of those like it's probably the hottest thing but you know like it's like i don't know what's called it's not like it's not like an an unneat bun that

thing you know when like somebody puts their hair in a top bun yeah but it's kind of like it's sort of like it's not tidy like it's been done in a rush yep and you think that but it's actually the the hottest of all the hairdos. I think you might be right. Yeah, it does sound hot. It's like I have some creative work to attend to. Yes. Or I need to manage some animals or something, you know? You know?

Yeah. Oh, man. That's got me going. Just thinking about it. Yeah? Like I need this That's got me going. That's got you, yeah. Like, I need this hair out of the way, but I've got a lot of it. I've got a lot, because I'm a human person who has needs, and I don't have time to attend to all of the things that grow on me at all times. It's like putting the kids in another room in front of the television.

Nothing hotter. Yes. Here we go. I couldn't think of a better thing to bring up in a conversation where we're talking about things that are hot. Okay, yeah. But I love this as a date idea. It's being buried alive together, right?

Yeah. And that's the idea. It's not... Because a lot of people, when they say, oh, you've been buried alive, they're saying that, but you're on the verge of being dead, which makes it feel very ironic.

I think that's the irony. It should be saying, but you've been buried almost dead. Yeah. Right? And then eventually dead. You've been buried eventually dead. Right?

Now, this is actually getting buried alive. I mean, you bury someone alive, but they're not alive for long. They probably spend a lot more time dead than they do alive. Right? Yeah. So, I mean, mathematically speaking, statistically, they were buried dead. What about this, right? And this might work very well for this kind of date thing

just to give it a bit of pizzazz you know how like i don't know if you've ever been snorkeling and you see a crab underwater and he's looking at you and he's kind of following you with his body. He or her. And then as you decide, I'm going to get a bit closer to it. I'm going to invade this crab's personal space. weird things that are not its claws, these other things that are like weird levers that allow it to push itself into the sand down very quickly. Yeah. Are those just legs?

Does it just do that with its legs? They could be legs, but I thought that there was... I think that... This is a vague memory from one or two snorkeling occasions, but I thought it was almost like a tenth and ninth appendage. Well, they do have ten, don't they? Oh, do they?

Crabs? Decapods. Some of them definitely have weird little flippery things at the back, you're right. But I think they use them for swimming. Imagine something like that that is perfectly designed for moving downward

through sand. Yeah. Okay? Now, you make a robot that can do that. Oh, great. Okay? But on land.

And you get two of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On land. Okay? You get two of them and you put them in the sand. And then above them you put an X.

Yeah. You just draw a little X. And then you and your beloved, well, you know, your maybe potential soon-to-be beloved, put on these cones over their heads. Right? You're zip-tying them around your neck. Yeah. Yeah, correct.

Right? And you're like, can you hear me? Oh, yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. Like that hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. And you both stand on the Xs. And then one of you has a remote, and you press a button, and these devices that are these kind of like robotic crabs

underneath both of you go, and they start going down, and that makes you both go down into the thing. They bring you down and and then suddenly you're up to your shoulders yeah yeah with just your hands in that space together and that's your whole world now really isn't it like you me and the air that we share yeah that's everything are you underwater i've been picturing you're underwater. Well, you hope the tie doesn't come in. Yeah, okay.

I mean, if the zip tie is tight enough, it doesn't matter, I assume. Well, yeah, as long as you're capable of breathing carbon dioxide, you're totally fine. I like a lot of things about this. It sparked all sorts of ideas in me, and I hope I can grab onto some of them. I do like the idea of walking down the street, you and your beloved hand in hand, sharing a sort of a big air sock that goes head to head. You're both breathing that same air.

It feels like the future that we're heading towards in this post-COVID world. The idea that, you know, if somebody's going to be in your bubble metaphorically, they might as well be in there literally. And it could be tinted like sunglasses or something like that, you know? And you know what's great about it is that you are probably, as you say, getting a little bit of carbon dioxide as you go. Like, there'd be an increasing level of carbon dioxide. And that would, you know, going for a walk with your beloved is already a pleasant experience. I think that would heighten the thrill.

And you could go on an asphyxie walk. How would you... Oh, an asphyxie walk. Yeah. I like the sound of that. I mean, you could do that, have an asphyxie walk by having it also connected from, let's say you didn't have a date. Maybe when you're walking to the date, you know, you can signal that you're walking to a date to other people by wearing it. Yeah. On the way to the date.

Yeah. And you both wear one, but you wear it attached from your butt to your head. And that says, I'm potentially taken, but not fully committed yet. So if you want to have a go, go for it. Come at me. Come at me. But just know that my head could be breathing in farts at the moment um now

i was also thinking about um the crab thing and the scuttling under the ground and i would love to perfect that as a technique for myself i think the idea of like if somebody approaches me and i find them threatening i love the idea of somehow being able to kick my legs and scratch at the ground in such a way and do a bit of a wiggle, and now I'm under the ground, just with my eyes maybe, just poking out above the ground. Yeah, I think it could almost be done. I might need to invent a new kind of ground.

You could probably pull it off in a ball pit. Well, yeah, I think that if you bring your two feet together, like palm to palm palm foot palm to foot palm right but with the toes you're sort of standing on your toes but foot palm to foot and then you start to go into a splits you are moving a lot of material out of the way. Well, maybe. And you're doing, whilst also doing a lot of the dropping

through just removing altitude from your body. I'm not going to argue with that part of it. I absolutely am doing that. But I'm saying you got to do a bit of both. I'm not saying that you can just, like unless you just know how to twist twist into the sand like imagine if you could do that like you know like michael jackson twists and then grabs his crotch yeah but you would just twist and then suddenly your crotch is being grabbed by the earth

yeah i mean i mean that's the dream for me I would love that and I love the idea of just my eyes, my nose just being up above the dirt there what about this, you twist blinking and just your genitals are resting on the earth exposed

and you are there shirtless still looking at the person who was trying to talk to you. I twist, and my genitals fall off onto the ground. Is that what you're suggesting? No, no, no. I'm suggesting that you twist with such ferocity, all your clothes come off.

Yeah. And the fibers can't hold together. It's that strength of that twist that allows you to get into the ground. But no human can get into the ground so deep that they get like six feet into the ground. They can only get about two and a half feet. And so you get all the way up to your genitals, and your genitals are like pushed up against the ground.

There's a lot of pressure on your scrotum. Right, and I'm shirtless now. And you're shirtless, and you're looking up at the person who you were trying to get out of a conversation with, and you're in a much, much worse position. This could be a situation. I don't know. I mean, I feel like I probably have successfully got out of the conversation This could be a situation. I don't know.

I mean, I feel like I probably have successfully got out of the conversation with this person. No, you haven't. Oh, no. They still want to talk. This is one of your aunts that doesn't pick up on social cues. Oh. But which one? Andy, I'm not speaking about a specific aunt. Okay.

Well, no, you couldn't be. Based on that information, there's not enough to narrow it down. No, no. No, I'm just speaking about, you know, generally, we all have an aunt that doesn't pick up on the social cues, and they are continuing this conversation with you as your scrotum strains it's pressed up towards the towards the scar you know and you're out of breath and

you are half immersed and but this and and you're using your aunt because this is the r and d situation of you developing this technique for regular social situations which actually never comes to be you actually never work it out wow i mean it would be hard to let go now because it feels like i have come a long way towards this eventual goal. It feels so close, but maybe there's just this barrier, you know, like there's the Fermi paradox of where are all the aliens?

It's like, where are all the crab men poking their eyes up just from the dirt? Well, it's because there are certain thresholds that we just can't get past. And one of them is that you can't get the balls underground. They get caught on the surface of the earth. But that's just a fundamental limit of what can be achieved. Yeah.

It's called the mid-human snag. Yes. And you would think the snag is a reference to the schlong, but it's not. It's actually a reference to the ball bag, and it's a fishing term when you hook onto a log or something like that. Yeah, you would think that. That's what I'm constantly thinking.

Even though I know that that's not what it is, I'm still thinking snag is a reference to the schlong area. And people will, for centuries, continue to have to relearn this because they're like, oh yeah, I remember hearing about the etymology of this term and realizing that it's got to do with the ball bag. It'll be one of those surprise etymologies yeah but i

thought they meant that the dick gets stuck but the actual dick doesn't get stuck they would actually if you get past the balls the dick would go in would follow in suit and that's what's so tantalizing about it for so many people they're just like i just need to get past the balls but yeah and and as for women attempting this technique i presume they just have social skills and they're capable of communicating properly well that's the thing yeah they don't need it no they yeah and it actually puts them in a much more vulnerable position does it and i think well i don't know i just think that probably being underground yeah from from the people that i know who are women there is a lot more care

about their personal safety yeah and i feel like what's trapping your legs into the into the earth feels like a backward step even though they're incapable of doing backwards steps at that very time. I see what you're saying. Alistair, what do you think about this? Crabbing, right? As a trend, crabbing. So is this to find, is this the new planking?

I think it might be. Yeah? Or, yeah, it's something that kids are doing. Crabbing, right? It's walking everywhere sideways. Of course, the older generations, of course they'd be horrified to see kids doing this. I feel like a lot of us are doing this already.

Because when you're walking everywhere sideways like a crab, you can't see danger in front of you and that sort of thing. So they'd be furious. Well, no, because you're walking sideways. You're naturally. But you're not looking the way you're walking. You're not looking. You're not looking.

Or not always. Or they're worried that you are. Do you think they should call it not always looking whilst crabbing? Yeah. It's too complicated, isn't it? It might be. It's blind crabbing. Blind crabbing? Yeah. It's too complicated, isn't it? It might be. It's blind crabbing. Blind crabbing.

I think pure crabbing. I think if you're looking sideways while you're walking, you're not technically crabbing. Well, you would be being a crab if you were looking out sideways because that's what crabs do. Do you... All right. Do you think that the pincersers do you think you have to be doing

snippy pincers with your hands to be purely crabbing it feels less cool if you're doing the pincers but maybe that's part of it so you like but do you think because when you say less cool yeah are you suggesting that the reg like the crabbing where you're just walking sideways is in some way cool? I think it might be. I think it has the potential to be cool. Yeah. Is it like learning how to do the Dougie?

I don't know about doing the Dougie. Is this from Hey Dougie, the kids' TV show? No, but do you know how to Dougie? No, I don't know how to Dougie. Can you describe how to Dougie to me? Like, you know, like, teach me how to Dougie, teach me, teach me how to Dougie? No, I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about. No, I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. Look, it's a pretty swaggy kind of cool dance. Right. Sure. There's a lot of like, you know, like hands looping over each other and then kind of like, I mean, I'm watching somebody do it right now and I'd never seen it until now.

And it's very cool. Yeah? Is it sexy? Yeah. No. I mean, it's sexy if you find it sexy to see someone who knows how to dance. Teach me how.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I do usually find that. Teach me how to duggie. Oh, duggie, spelled like that, right. Okay. How were you thinking? You were thinking like duggie.

I was thinking hey duggie. Like hey duggie. Yeah. So you thought it was like, oh, like, a woof woof. Well, there is that thing in hey duggie where he gets down on all fours when he walks like a dog. And it's quite unsettling the way he kind of like hops and bounces along on his fingertips or whatever. Yeah, he's kind of like that. It doesn't look right.

Yeah, like one of those, what was that thing we were talking about, the human earlier? Yeah, he's like a pantomime human. Pantomime man. Oh, yeah, okay. Teach me how to... So far from what I can see in this video clip, Dougie... Now I've somehow clicked over to white and nerdy with Weird Al Yankovic.

I feel like I'm getting further away and this is considerably worse content than we even usually produce. All right. Alistair. So crabbing, is that anything? Trend. But like, Alright So crabbing is that anything? A trend But like

It feels like it's a thing that most people do already What do you mean? Like aren't we always Kind of always like just kind of a little bit Like messing around And being a crab Like how often do you think you pretend to be a crab? I mean for me it's a lot

But that's only because I accidentally got into a trend with the kids like years ago now the only way i could get get them to go to bed was if i carried them there like a crab pretending to pinch people's bums at the beach and they cling onto my back and i walk sideways going nip nipip, nip, nip, nip. Yeah, but you know what, Andy? I also walk like a crab kind of, you know, for various reasons every week. There's always a reason. There's always something. Something always comes up. There's always a reason to do it. And I think that maybe that's just a standard thing for everyone

is that everyone kind of always has a reason to walk like a crab a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. And, I mean, gosh, I would love to write it down, Andy. No, no, no. I haven't provided you with a single reason, and I'm big enough to admit that. You know, I'm not even sure you're big enough to admit it.

Wow. I mean, I felt like I was admitting it, and therefore, by definition, I're big enough to admit it. Wow. I mean, I felt like I was admitting it, and therefore, by definition, I was big enough. If you're big enough to admit it, I'd write it down. But my pen is currently resting on the page.

Hang on. I feel like I can't win. Well, if you could win, I'd write that down. You know why I brought up the crab thing why is that it's because a couple of days ago i had what felt like a moment of clarity where i was like this walking sideways like a crab thing this has the potential to be the funniest thing i've ever thought of. Yeah. But I can't remember what it was about the idea that made me think it was so funny.

It was like, there was something that had come up in my brain. I was like, this is it. And it was something to do with walking like a crab. And maybe it was something to do with everybody doing it. Yeah. Right? Well, it's a more efficient way to travel. I mean, I guess you take up less space on the sidewalk.

Yeah. Maybe this is the new, like, 15-minute city. Unless you're wearing a backpack. Standing room only on the trains. Maybe we've got crabbing room only on the footpath. Well, I mean, if you have a backpack, now you're going to have to wear it on your side. You know, it'll have to be a new thing that sort of goes

under your arm. Oh, that's right, because the back becomes a new back. That's the new back. Your side becomes your back. Orange is the new black. Side is the new black. New back. This is a show all about trying to shift the world towards a crab way of walking. We haven't quite got this to the point where I was like,

this is the new funniest thing I've ever thought of. I still can't recapture what the magic was that I thought I had. And I just thought before that by bringing it up on the podcast, maybe we'd strike upon it again. But I fear that it's lost forever. No, but let's say it's like a gig is now standing room only. And then you're like, look, I reckon we can wring a few dollars out of this crowd. You go, all right, now it's crab room only.

And everybody is still standing, but they have to stand side on. Yeah, I think that's great. And everybody is still standing, but they have to stand side on. Yeah. I think that's great. I mean, I wonder, though, if that's what you're trying to do and get the maximum number of people in the room, I don't think that helps you at all. I don't think you get more people in the room. You might be able to get more people in the front row. In front of the stage.

But I don't know that you can, in total, I think just rotating the people 90 degrees, I don't think that gets you any more than standing room only. But it gets every person, I think. You can get more people close to the stage, I think. I think you can in the front row, but I think after that, probably not.

But, you know. You don't think so? Like, what about like the front row, but I think after that, probably not. But, you know. You don't think so? Like, what about, like, the second row? Yeah. You think there'd be more in the second row? Well, you've got to think about the shoulders, right? You've still got the shoulders. I do think about, I am thinking about the shoulders.

I don't think you're thinking about them properly. So, you've got to think about, okay, so, if you're standing front on, right, standing front on right you have um no shoulders to occupy space between you and the person in front of you but if you're side on then you have one of your shoulders and one of their shoulders and i think that that's going to cancel out any gains that you get i know but i think that there's also a an intensity that comes with knowing that you're now going to have to crab. Sure. That comes with like now you're being – because usually we're used to being treated like cattle. But now we're being treated like seafood.

And we know that the bounds for how people treat seafood is much worse than how people treat other mammals. Yes. And so now we're going to have to get way closer to each other as well front to back. We're probably going to have to be touching back to chest and butt to front genital of the previous person. I know you can't milk a crab. You can't, you know,

seafood creatures don't produce milk. But that's because most creatures don't have like a valve for a particular liquid. Like we only say milk a cow because a cow has a valve, like you know, has a tube that you can pull on

and a particular liquid comes out. Like imagine if you could water a cow, but not by hosing it down. Yeah. But like it had a water nipple. Yeah, okay. Like they've got four nipples on that teeth. Yeah, it's a lot.

And it's crazy that they're all just for milk. There should be different liquids. Milk, water, orange juice, and beer. When are we going to get that cow? When are we going to get that cow? When are we going to get the bloody fool? Yes. There should be like the pre-mixed drink, post-mixed drink thing at the pub or at the movies. You should be able to get all sorts of different stuff out of there.

Because you didn't have your regular kind of fridge and tap system that you have in your house in the kitchen. But in your man cave, you just have like a four, a four-ended cow like that. Just have a cow. Yeah, that's great.

I mean, it'd be warm. So the beer, I presume, would come out. I mean, I think there might be a limit to what we can achieve. Yes. It'd be like England. the beer, I presume, would come out. I mean, I think there might be a limit to what we can achieve, yes. It'd be like England. You just get an ale.

A frothy, a very frothy one. I think, you know, you've got the boys around and you're excited to try out the new beer cow. It's a shame. And the water cow and the orange juice cow. Like, you know, you're trying all the bits of the cow. Yeah. There'd be a shame. And the water cow and the orange juice cow. Like, you know, you're trying all the bits of the cow. Yeah. There'd be a routine.

There'd be a ceremony about it. You'd have a glass of milk first to line your stomach. Then you'd have a bit of orange juice to get some vitamin C. And then you would have a beer. Yeah. And then afterwards you'd have a beer. Yeah, but like the fact that you've got to... And then afterwards you'd have a water to hydrate. You've got to squeeze it out. You've got to squat down and you've got to milk it out into a pail like an old milkmaid.

It's a pail ale. That's the beer you're getting. Very good. P-A-I-L. Yeah. good p-a-i-l um yeah this is this is i don't know if this is even worth writing down um no i mean i i'd i'd have a um absolutely i'd have a genetically engineered cow with with different things i mean maybe it's even like uh more a bit more like the refill station at a Hungry Jack's or a McDonald's, when you've got all the different soft drinks there. Yeah.

Different thing out of each teat. Oh, yeah, because then you could get KFC to sponsor a quarter of your cow and put on Pepsi. Yeah, exactly. How are we going for ideas so far? You know what, Andy? And put on Pepsi. Yeah, exactly. How are we going for ideas so far? You know what, Andy? We have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Seven ideas. And they're all really good. They're so strong. It's nice to be back doing them. Really tired. After we had one good podcast where we were awake and felt energized. It's good to be back. Yeah, but I think the audience needs a break sometimes between good episodes, you know, so that they can catch their breath.

A break of, say, 50 or 60 podcasts. Yeah. Well, Andy, you know what? Today, since we have so many things, we actually have three words from a listener. Oh, Lord. Yeah, it is quite lordy. And this listener is Ellie Durkin. Ellie Durkin.

Yeah. The Dirk. That's right. What did you say earlier? I can't remember. I said something about the word Dirk. The Dirk. That's right. What did you say earlier? I can't remember. I said something about the word Dirk. The Dirk Knight? That's it.

Right. Defense against the Dirk Arts. Yeah, Dirk Manor. I think I might have said. Yeah. The Dirk Knight rises. Anyway, hi, Ellie. Sorry.

Ellie has sent in in let's see three words from a listener today so would you like to try to guess yeah okay are um okay the first word is word is overflow. Gosh, Andy, you have you have like three of the letters right. Wow. If this was Wordle, I'd feel great about that.

Yeah. Unfortunately, the word the first word is for. F-O-U-R. Yeah. Okay. For. Well, I mean, it could have been F-O-U-R Yeah Okay Four Well I mean There are

It could have been F-O-R Right? But it wasn't It could have been F-O-R-E Yeah but it wasn't that Okay alright That's why I told you You had three

Four Is the second word Listener No Andy It's not for a listener. Okay. It's hundredth. Oh, God.

Fourhundredth. Is the third word episode? The third word, Andy, is episode. Fourhundredth episode. Woo! 400th episode. 400th episode. Woo!

Yes, Ellie was mentioning that her and her partner had been thinking about this fast-approaching 400th episode. Maybe we could take this opportunity to say that we now have the actual weekend now that it's going to happen. Yeah, it's going to happen on the 7th of October, Australian Eastern Standard Day. We will be beginning at 6am. We will have had some McDonald's from the place on the street, on Sydney Road. There will have been an interaction. I'm getting better at McDonald's. I'm less stressed these days.

I can handle it. Well, that's why I'm going to take you to a new place. A place that's open even earlier. They've got their own thing going on. They've got their own language. Lingo. Okay. And, yeah, 400th episode.

okay and yeah a 400th episode i mean it it feels like you know we could do a lot with with this in terms of trying to take the opportunity to plan something we would do in the 400th episode you know what are we gonna it feels like we haven't really innovated ever since we came up with the cheese goblet we've sort of stagnated um, we did have a thing last time, didn't we? I can't remember if we actually did the bouquet of salad. We haven't done the bouquet of salad. I wanted to have a live band this episode. I wanted to have... This just sounds insane.

It just sounds like to have any more distraction. Improvised music, thinking music. Like a jam band that's playing. I asked George Matthews if he would do it and he said no. He will not.

He will not publicly release any music. Like the whole what you want me to just play music the whole time for 24 hours.

Write an algorithm. There you go. Could he do that? I don't think it's a good idea anyway. But I think he can't afford to say no because if he says no, then yes, we will probably use an algorithm or this job will be taken by an AI.

This job that we're creating, these jobs we're creating will be taken by AI. These jobs that no human wants. we're creating, these jobs we're creating will be taken by AI. These jobs that no human wants. If you're not willing to do it. AI is taking our jobs that we don't want. Yeah, I mean,

making up, AI should have to make up, every time it takes a job from a person, it should have to come up with a new job for them to do. Right? It doesn't feel fair that they're just taking the jobs. Okay. So that's part of the AI.

It's built into the legislation that says that every time they take a job, they have to invent a new job. Do they have to figure out in which way it's funded? Do they have to invent a new job do they have to figure out in which way it's funded do they have to figure out what like in which way it's funded yeah I think so anybody can go like oh I don't know bottle closer on a

cruise ship yeah I mean if they've got all this computational power yes it has to be a well thought through idea has to be a complete package yes, it has to be a well-thought-through idea. It has to be a complete package, right? No one has to be worse off, basically. You know what would be great? If they actually created a new business and you, like, not only they create a new job,

but you are now, like, the owner of this business. Like, you are a sole trader in this field. Yeah, wow. And then you're now occupying some gap in some market. Yeah, and the AI has enough information to know that this will be viable. This will be able to sustain you at or above your previous income level.

It's all in there. Yeah. Now, how do we make it really funny? Oh, God. God. It's so... Because it's almost too good an idea. Let's see.

But then it keeps... It takes a cut, doesn't it? Probably. I mean... You know? That would make it viable, I suppose. It would make it more worthwhile for the people who create AIs. But then, it's this guy. So it's a story about a guy who's had this happen to him.

Yeah. But they take such a big cut. And it just, and he's not enjoying doing the job. Even though he probably makes the same amount of work. He doesn't enjoy the new job, right? That's one thing they don't take into account. Yeah. And then he's realized he just has to kill

the leader of this company. And then everybody, whoever becomes that leader of that company. And then everybody, whoever becomes that leader of that company ever again. Yeah. And maybe he needs to recruit an AI to help him. I mean, is it a bit like Terminator in this situation? If we just create a Terminator? No, no, no.

None of the ARs are robots. I don't think proper functioning walking around robots that with significant battery life are going to be a problem for a while yeah sure that we can't just push over or some shit like that yeah i mean also that you that you couldn't outrun and then it would run out of battery I mean what about like I mean they could shoot you probably but

what about a version of Terminator where the robots don't kill anybody right but they do just come in and start taking over taking your livelihoods and that sort of thing. And they are so good at doing whatever it is that you used to do.

They do it better than you. And so even that people are unable to say no, right? And so even if like it's, you know you it's your own mother right and you used to go around and cut the hedge or whatever at her place and she's now like i'm sorry you just gotta see how he does it right and now you slowly you have like they take more and more and more let's and nobody can say no to them. Nobody can turn them down. You would have to go there and brush her hair. And it was some of the last good moments in her retirement that you guys had together.

Yeah. Yeah. But the robot's doing it better now. It's doing it so much better. And you're like, oh. Do you want me to come over and talk? And they go, well, the robot's actually talking really well. Yeah, and it's genuinely interested.

Yeah, and you go, well, are you well? You go, sorry, what was that? The robot was just saying something. Bye. Bye, honey. Do you think that could ever happen do you think a robot could be so good at its job that it would supersede the mother-son

bond yes I believe it could because I think I think I talked about this on the podcast before but like this idea that like that ultimately what the algorithm is doing is finding out how our brains work and

what we like and giving that to us working out ways to give it to us in better and more efficient ways did i already say this about how like ultimately the human attention span will will just be gamed in a way like the AlphaGo thing was able to play AlphaGo in a way that we'd never thought of. The computers will be able to manipulate our brains in ways that we don't even understand what's happening, but they are, you know, triggering certain emotions and feelings and responses in us in a way that we don't we don't see we never would have occurred to us it's like using the the operating system of the human brain yeah in a completely new way yeah just by having a better understanding of the rules and that's what it'll

be like with interpersonal relations it'll it'll say and and do things for your mom that you never could have thought to do yeah or couldn't be bothered yeah more likely um yeah i think that that there's i think the the great kind of like underside to that kind of sci-fi idea is that is getting to show the bit where like now, like a lot of that is happening now with sort of taking your attention with like YouTube and whatever. Yeah. You know, reels and all that kind of stuff, stealing your attention. stealing your attention but but what happens as well is that there is the part underneath where you're like well i wish i wasn't doing this and anytime you're not doing it you're actually having a really nice time and you're like this is what life is about and then you continue to get trapped in it and so she would be like she'd be like deep down knowing that she misses you and would love to spend time with you

yeah but as soon as she gets caught up in the in the moment it's like being trapped by your own brain yeah it's the it'll be like the conversational equivalent of scrolling on your phone right yeah and she's she's like that in a conversation with a robot. I think that's kind of cool. Yeah, I like that. All right, well, look. I don't think we had our funniest episode, but we definitely had an episode.

Had a couple of moments. There was something there. I had some other thing was triggered in me about robots, about something with the Terminator thing. What was it? Okay. Robots taking our jobs. I can't get it back. It's gone.

That's a great button on the episode. Me struggling to remember. Okay. So we have, here's our ideas. Centaur name. that's a great that's a great button on the episode me struggling to remember failing okay so we have here's our ideas centaur name yes we've got

pantomime man we've got the genital cone it goes from one genital to another wow like a croissant we've got the cone head date

head to head cone we've got the R&D process the cone head date. Head to head cone. We've got the R&D process of getting out of social situations by twisting into the sand. This is Andy figuring it out and then getting stuck halfway with his testicles pressed up real tight up against the sand.

I think you could see this happen in a ball pit, right? Sure, maybe you'll do the first one in a ball pit. Yeah. You'll get away. This is what makes you think that you can pull this off. But you're going with macro particle sizes like that with no friction between each other. I think maybe that's what the appeal of the ball pit is,

is that it allows us to feel what it would be like to be tiny and to have all the grains and molecules, all the grains of sand and dirt and all those particles, have them be so much bigger relative to us. So much bigger. It's like being a bug, you know? You know, it would be the dream of getting to be a bug um then we have the side is the back the the um the path to making everyone

walk like a crab so you know this is yeah uh you know people realizing that we will save some space if we all walk like crabs. The government, this is a great conspiracy for all the 15-minute city nut jobs to be on to. They're going to make us walk like crabs. If everybody can walk everywhere, there's not going to be enough room on the footpath, is there? It doesn't make any sense. Oh, you know what's next? They'll make us walk like crabs. I'm not going to walk enough room on the footpath, is there? It doesn't make any sense. Oh, you know what's next? They'll make us walk like crabs. I'm not going to

walk like no crab. See, it's so funny. It's pure comedy. Then we've got a four-drink cow. Milk, water, orange juice and beer.

And then we've got the robot that um has something interpersonal relationships with your mom superior interpersonal relationships yes superior superior. Yeah. I may imagine the robot texting you saying, I'm massaging your mom right now. I guess you wouldn't... Yeah. It's really rubbing

it in to you and her. The oil. This is just a thought that I've had. With stuff like AI, like ai blah blah blah that everybody we're all talking about people are so fearful but do you think that there's just potentially an upper limit to intelligence and what anything can have like anything can do and so maybe there are some things that they can achieve? Yeah, it's possible.

I mean, my instinct is that if there is an upper limit, it's probably a lot smarter than what we are. But this has actually reminded me what the thing is that I wanted to bring up before, which is that robots, we're worried about robots becoming super intelligent and being sentient and wiping us out, right? And my concern is that they wouldn't have to be sentient to wipe us out. No, of course not.

They could just be super, you know, they would in every way behave and act as though they are sentient, and they aren't. They just have an... Like you can talk to a chatbot and be convinced that it's thinking and responding to you with a consciousness. That, but for them wiping out all of humanity and ruling the planet as overlords. But there is no consciousness there.

They're just a machine just doing it. You know, but there is this thing where I remember... Acting, and then forever, the Earth is populated by robots walking around, acting, talking as though they are conscious. Yeah, no, I get that. But, you know, I think I remember hearing Daniel Dennett try to talk about this topic and being like, it's actually like if you look at our processing

and their processing, blah, blah, blah, you know, like computer processing and things like that, there's actually nothing different. It's like, are we putting this weird special status on consciousness? And really that something talking to you is just you knowing that something is talking to you and then knowing how to respond. And then saying, I don't know. Yeah, well, I mean, that's the place that my mind goes. And obviously, after that thought about robots,

it's like, oh, what if they're not conscious? And what if they are just an algorithm? And then your brain goes, what if that's us? Yeah, exactly. Well, they're not intelligent. I mean, that's a fun, I think that's a fun thing in a movie. They're not intelligent. I mean, that's a fun... I think that's a fun thing in a movie. They're not intelligent.

It's just an algorithm like that. And then you, throughout the film, just show how we are ourselves. Just an algorithm, pretty much. See, now that's fucking smart. That would be a real work of art if you did that. Gosh, Andy, we're going to bloody... We're going to get there.

Okay. I don't know how to write that down, but we'll just go into the song because it's too hard. Hello. I see a computer could never do that. Hello. Hello.

You see a robot could never do that. Saying hello at the end of the episode. No, I was talking about the song but yeah you're right um hey check out

Ellie Durkin's art Pickle Durkin on yeah check out Pickle Durkin on Instagram um we appeared on the

Who Knew It With Matt Stewart episode yes just go and check that out again. Again. Sure. And have great lives. Thanks for listening to this show.

Sometimes we're tired. Love you. Bye.