Two In The Think Tank - 399 - "BYO PIANO"

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

Pleasure Desk, Biscuit Tin Foil Hat, Gym Confession Liposuction, Green Religion, Team Building Catapult, Giano Lessons, Hague Town, Foretouch Psychic, Saliva Portal ProctologistGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereGrovelling apologies to George for my production on this podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

uh andy excuse me alistair um and i just wanted to say i wanted to plug that we're doing the 400th episode of the two in the think tank podcast live stream from melbourne australia out of the stupid old studios and it's going to be starting at 6 a.m 6 30 maybe probably 6 a.m um on the october 7th maybe, probably 6am on the October 7th. I'm not sure at what point you stopped trusting me to do the openings.

You would take a really long time. And also I appeared. You're slowing down this one. And I also appeared on the Who Knew It With Matt Stewart podcast. But now you do the role of me. Eh? You now perform as the role of me. Eh? You now...

You perform as me in the intro. All of the plugs. I've also appeared on the Who Knew It with Matt Stewart podcast with Dave Warnicke and Kirstie Wiebeck, and it's a very fun episode. So thank you very much. Alistair, let's start the show.

Okay. So thank you very much. Alistair, let's start the show. Hello and welcome to In The Think Tank, the show where we come up with five sketch ideas. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair, clearly going on this one alone. It's like we're not on the phone with each other. And Andy's just doing his own podcast. How dare you? How dare you suggest that's what's happening? And he's like, oh, you know what?

I'm just going to speak over these plugs. Complain that I don't get to do the plugs. I'm not sure if there's... Is there something actually happening with the audio where the delay is off on the call that we're doing and you're unable to hear me? Or has our ability to communicate in an empathetic fashion, in a normal back and forth,

has that broken down on some more fundamental level? I'm asking, is the problem a digital one or is it an emotional one that we're having? Well, I don't know, Andy. You tell me how you're feeling and however you're feeling, that'll be the source of the problem. Whatever's going on in your little noggin, I reckon we found the problem.

You just tell me what you want to label it. Whatever your issue is, I'm pretty confident... That's the problem. That's it. That's the total. That's the total. Now, before the episode began...

Yeah. Before the episode began, Alistair, we were talking about mahogany. Yeah, we were talking about... You bet your ass we were talking about mahogany. We're big mahogany guys. Yeah. We love a rich timber. Andy puts mahog in mahogany. And I don't mean slams it in the drawer.

Oh, wow. Okay, so it's not like a leather-bound desk that has been equipped with its own sort of mahogany genitalia of some kind. Right? It's not a sexy desk. Where would you put it? In the area where you're about to sit? Does it split

where your legs go? You decide on either side where it goes or is it something that is there for... Is it not merely sort of like acting as a divider? As a sort of a leg bookend? I think it would have to be... I don't

think it could go immediately in the area where your legs go in the desk, because I think that's too convenient. I think it would have to be at least slightly inaccessible so that there's a bit of a barrier between you and the... the lovemaking component of the desk. But I think if you were to make a desk

that was sexually attractive, I think mahogany would be the thing to do it with. I think it's a beautiful wood. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, no, absolutely. I think, I mean, a full, a desk that is just for lovemaking with. You know?

So, like, you know, a lot of desks, they're for work. But what about the desk for pleasure? Well, we've already got sitting desks and we've already got standing desks. But what about a lying down desk? That's right. That's what you're saying, right? Well, I'm not saying lying down. Yes, it's a desk that you... It depends on, right? Well, I'm not saying lying down. Yes,

it's a desk that you... It depends on how you do it, I suppose, doesn't it? It's a desk that you lie with in the same way in which you would lie with a woman. Man shall not with desk as he does with woman, for it is mahogany. Mahogany. Mahogany. Mahogany also is almost agony. It almost has that word in there as well. As it is arboreal. This is instead of abominable, right?

That's what we're going for? Yeah. Abominable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Abominable table. Mahogany table. For it is mahogany table. A man may not lay with a leather-bound desk as he would with a woman,

for it is mahogany table. with a leather-bound desk, as he would with a woman, for it is mahogany table. A mahogany table. Mahogany-able. Now, Alistair, is this a sketch? Is this in any way... And after we've finished this sketch idea, because it is a sketch idea, I've just decided.

Yeah. I'd like to discuss my idea for a new religion. But this idea might be too serious, but we'll see if we can find anything funny in it. What about a religion? You're ready to move on. A lot of religions... Am I writing down the pleasure desk?

How am I writing this down? The fucking desk. I'm putting a lot of pressure on you there. Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, let's see. I think the idea of somebody who falls in love with a desk, okay? Possibly a laying down desk. They go to a desk maker who makes them such a beautiful desk.

They then get them to make a version which has no legs that you can lay with in a bed. It has no legs. A disabled desk. It's a religious... It's just a plank of wood. No, but I apologise. I don't know why I said no legs I think it has to have legs But the legs have to be long

And go out horizontally The legs go horizontally Right And it is a desk that lies down Next to you Could you have a desk that's spread eagle A desk roughly in the same proportions as a human. A desk, but the

desktop is on the ground, upside down. And its legs are spread in a kind of V thing like that and it's inviting you in. One of the other legs is doing a come-hither motion. Yeah, great.

Oh, I just want to pull down your drawers. But I mean, because you know how the drawers are often just on one side. Now, would that be the side that you would, would you consider that the top, you know, let's say if the, if the desk was upside down and spread eagle, would you want, would you want the desks down there as in there's a, there's a, you know, there's like a kind of an empty area, I guess, in which things could be put in, or would you consider the drawer area the head of the desk

and the place where you would go and put your face and kiss? Yeah, I think you'd kiss that bit. While you rub your crotch on the underside of the regular, you know, just the sort of the flat area of the desk. You know, where there's all the chewed up gum that people have stuck underneath and stuff like that. But I don't think the desk is upside down.

I think it's just on its back, right? Or on the, you know, if you were having a one-on-one meeting, it's resting on the side that the person you're meeting with would be sitting at, right? It's your desk and they're sitting on the other side there. That's that now it tips over 90 degrees so that it's lying there and its legs are spread out from that point. Right. Yeah.

Okay. I think I was picturing it laying on its side. Yeah. We'll have to do some. Sure. I think we'll going to need to do some drawings. Yeah, we'll have to do some. Sure. I think we'll have to get... But you know, there's also the interesting thing about having sort of chewed gum stuck underneath

is that is kind of like, if you get enough of it, that is not that dissimilar from a kind of sex toy or like a sexual organ for a desk if you let's say if you even just like obviously I would never have sex with a school desk I would you know get a much more mature desk but if you were to collect all of the chewing gum from underneath a school desk and and yeah bunch it together you would probably almost get enough for one full genital. Yeah, I think you're probably right.

I think what you're looking for is that's how you know a desk is old enough, is that once it makes a sort of adult-sized genital from all the chewing gum that's been stuck underneath it, that's when... That's considered sexual maturity for a desk. Sexual maturity. I think legally, anyway. Yeah. You'd want to have at least thought about this from a legal standpoint.

If ever it comes out in the news that you've been caught with a desk, which was built for this, by the way. But some conservative newspapers have no problem throwing dirt on people no matter what they do in their private life. Well, I mean, but then once you get into the question of whether, I think we've talked about this before, but if we suggest that the desk has been built for this, I worry that that removes the desk's ability to consent, right?

removes the desk's ability to consent. Right? I think the desk has to have chosen to do this of its own desky volition. Sure. You know what I'm saying? You feel like you almost would need enough chewed up chewing gum to also make a brain?

I think so. Because I think, because I think again if you squished all that chewing gum together I think that would start to at least look like a brain and then maybe in some way be capable of rational thought

yeah so you're saying you can't have sex with a wooden object unless you get consent. What? Maybe you just have to have one of those ones where you just have to make sure there's enough rings on the wood. Where you have to what? You have to just make sure there's enough rings on the wood, you know?

Ah, very good. Yes. Count the rings. Anyway, you were talking about a religion before. Now, before you were going to say your idea, but I'm just reminding you of your idea so that it remains fresh in your mind.

And now I'm going to take you away from it. Now, we've had religions for the mind, right? To put the mind at ease, to give comfort to the mind. But what about a religion for the body? Oh. You know? Okay.

There's no church for the body. I mean, is that a gym? Is that what a gym is? Is that what a sort of a yoga, yoga latis is? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I guess, well, what does, I mean, I guess it could be, I mean, I guess when I think

about it, I suppose a warm bath could kind of almost be a church for, for a gym, for the body. But like, what are you, were you going there? What do you go there? You go there for a higher power that you can envisage with your mind. That's what you do with a church. So what about something that you can feel with your body that feels like a higher power?

Electricity? Yeah, I guess it's like getting shot by a taser. Powerful vibrations, shot by a laser, obviously. Shot by a laser, yes. A full body, yeah, tasing. You know, getting struck by lightning. Oh, that would be the closest thing, I suppose. All right, you know what?

Let's skip this idea because it's not really bringing anything. But let's keep it in the back of our mind. It's one of those ones where, like, it's a great prompt, but it's so abstract as to... We're trying to use our... I'm sure our bodies, if our bodies could do a podcast, I'm sure they'd be able to answer this very well. But we don't really know what it's like to be a body.

We only know what it's like to be a brain in a body. But if the body had its own brain, then that would be really be something. What about this? It's a brain for your body. Yeah. What I do...

There's the mind-body duality, but what if the body had its own mind? Then it would be the mind-mind duality. I mean, maybe that's what the hind brain is, right? That bit at the bottom of the brain stem. Maybe that's sort of what the what the that is the body's brain right yeah it does the you know it does the breathing and the releasing of hormones and we just consider that to be part of the we consider that to just be part

of the body so we should you dreamed you dreamed for a mind for the brain, I mean a brain for the body, and then you got one immediately, Andy. I got one. I mean, that is manifestation in practice. But I just wanted to go back. Sorry, just, you know, I know we think that this is a very fruitful area, the church for the body. This is a very fruitful area, the church for the body. But I thought of another way to approach it, is that when you go to church, right,

you get the God ideas for your brain, right? But then you get a little biscuit for your body, you know, and a sip of wine for your body. A little treat for the body for coming along. So now this would be something where there's like a God, there's like a god for your body. Again, very difficult to envisage. But there'd be then somebody who would also say to your brain,

they'd just go, biscuit, little drink. You see, because then you're getting a biscuit and a little drink for your mind. Yeah, okay. But I worry, Alistair, or I feel that the words biscuit and little drink don't deliver satisfaction to the brain

in the same way that the reality of a biscuit and a little drink of those delivers satisfaction to the body. I don't know that from the point of view of the brain. I mean, the satisfaction really... Just saying the word biscuit know that from the point of view of the brain. I mean, the satisfaction really... Just saying the word biscuit. Andy, Andy, the satisfaction really occurs in the brain, I would say.

Of the body... Yeah, of the body's biscuit and little drink. The wine. Yeah, okay. And so I think, you know how sometimes when you think something, your body responds as if like it's got it, you know, like if you're having a dream

and you think you're in the desert. I understand that, but that doesn't apply to biscuits and little drinks. The word biscuit, Alistair, does not manifest any of the same sensations as actually having a biscuit when said to the brain right okay so so are you i mean i could be wrong are you blocking my idea maybe arnott's the arnott's biscuit company could release a family assortment that is just a mini disc

where somebody says the names of all the biscuits and you put it into your mini disc player and then you all gather around and take it in turns to listen to all of those up to seven or eight times, depending on what the biscuit word is that you're listening to. Of course, everybody's going to want to listen to the words Monte Carlo over and over again, but soon those will be gone and you will only have the word nice or teddy bear to listen to.

But then after that, it will be... After those have all been listened to, then after that it will be sewing needles. Thumbelina. What's that thing? Thimble.

Thread. Why? Because that's what you put in a biscuit tin after you've eaten all the biscuits. Little bits of ribbon. Of course, Alistair. Well, you can record those words onto the mini-disc after you've finished listening to all of the... All of the biscuit types.

The biscuit names. Biscuits for your mind. Yes. A biscuit tin for your mind. Oh, I'm writing this down. Finally. Oh, I'm writing this down. Finally. Oh, wow. I mean, in a way that I guess that's what an album

is, you know, an album of music. That's right. It's a biscuit tin for your mind. Well, that's right. You know, when they go, oh, and I know what it's like to lose somebody. Like that. And it's sad when the days are long and slow and painful.

Like that. You know, your body, you're not actually getting to experience that. But then you connect it with the memories of the ones that you've already had. you connect it with the memories of the ones that you've already had and then your body is kind of attached to those memories and those sensations. And so then it kind of does give them to you a little bit. Yeah. So you are right.

Yeah, no, you're completely right. I think it would be good if much like an album, much like a tin of biscuits, you could only listen to the songs on an album, much like a tin of biscuits, you could only listen to the songs on an album a certain number of times, right? But it's not going to line up exactly. What it is going to be, right, is that you can only listen to a song,

say, eight times in your life, right? Yeah. Okay? So after that, if you want to experience the song again you just have to get somebody to describe it to you somebody who hasn't used up all their turns listening to it they can listen to it i hate this idea i'm changing i'm not going to talk about it anymore this feels like something that you would you would write a full 300-page novel about.

And you'd be in like three pages in, reading it out, and I'd be like, God, this is going to be a long listen. But it's actually really well written. Yeah, but you're like, oh my God. Forget it. Forget it. All right, tell me your religion idea, Andy. I'm sure it's...

This is my religion. Good luck for it to be as good as... By the way, by the way, I picture that in the church for the body, you go and you lie down on the floor and there are big rollers that come down from the roof and sort of roll up and down your body. That, for me, feels like the equivalent of attending church.

They're not those whippery kind of things. They're not those whippery kind of things. They're padded. They're about 30 centimetres in diameter, but they've got a hard centre and they sort of roll up and down. Everybody lies next to each other and they roll up and down across the... This is so interesting that for the guy who doesn't allegedly doesn't believe in massage it's like your idea of heaven is to actually get a massage I don't believe

in, no I didn't say it's heaven I don't believe in religion either and that's why I'm able to put those two things they seem roughly equivalent to me I think that would be good, actually. Yeah, so it's just like a place where they touch your body and make you feel nice. Is it a sex party?

What about a gym, right, but that also has confession, has a little confession booth, But that also has confession, has a little confession booth where you can go in and confess all the unhealthy things you've done for your body. I mean, this probably almost already exists. But, you know, you can do it anonymously. And you can always be good, actually, if the equivalent of being forgiven by God, you can go in. And if you confess to all the bad things you've done to your body, then you can have that amount of fat sucked out of you. So it is like you are forgiven. So you go and you tell your personal trainer through a little little grate, all the biscuits and stuff, and all the beers you've had.

And then he says, all right, lie down on this table. And then they suction it out of your fish. So it's going to be a personal trainer doing liposuction on you. Yeah, that's right. Like that. Does he get into your arteries and sort of clear some of the plaque out from inside of them?

No, I don't think so. Sorry. So probably the lasting damage is still done to the body in some way. It's very superficial. Yeah, great. What about the loose skin? Do they tighten that up? No loose skin do they do they tighten that

up no they don't do anything they don't do that no all right this is my religion it's called um and it might already exist but this i've decided that to maybe to help save the world we we need to have environmentalism involved in religion. So is there already a church like Jesus Christ the Environmentalist? I don't know, Andy. Green Jesus? I think there should be. I think someone should go through the Bible

and find anything that could be interpreted as even vaguely environmentally friendly as a message and then turn that into the basis of their religion. Because we know there's one thing about religion is that you can just sort of go through and pick and choose what you like at a thing and then get really obsessed with that. Well, why can't we get all these fucking loonies

really obsessed? Now, me saying this now on the podcast is going to undermine my ability to do this as a religious leader. I realise that. But, you know, apparently L. Ron Hubbard said that if you really wanted to get rich, you should start a religion.

And that hasn't, you know, held him back. No, it doesn't seem like it. So I'm saying, yeah, you need to... I mean, his religion also, I guess, says that it's somehow helping them become richer as well. So you might have to get it. It depends on... I'm not sure.

Can it be like a religion where you don't help people get rich? Would that help you get rich, do you think, still? I guess you've got to promise something. That's the problem, Andy, with hooking up people to your religion. What are you promising them? Yeah, you think they need to get something in return? Well, I mean... With my religion, with my environmental one.

Yeah. Well, I know that what they're really going to get is the hope of a saved planet that doesn't turn into hell itself. Right? Yeah. But they can get that now and they're not doing anything about it.

And so I don't know how... I mean, the other religions are promising eternal life and and well i have no problem with promising that as well okay maybe but but only for people who are you know who die carbon neutral yeah right i would you people to die. At the end, you know how that god in the Egyptian religion, he weighs your heart against a feather, and if your heart is lighter than a feather, then you can enter the eternal place of the afterlife. That's very unlikely.

You'd have to be very dehydrated. But in my one, it's going to be that, but instead of your heart heart it's your carbon footprint yeah and if your carbon footprint weighs less than a feather then you can

you can be admitted through the gates of heaven and in heaven yeah you can burn as much coal as you like that's the great thing

so we have that promise when you get to the to the pearly gates, see, now you're promising them something. You get St. Peter, except he'll be called St. Pewter, I suppose. Yep.

He hands you a shovel and there's piles of coal as high as the eye can see. And there's just a burning furnace there. And there are no lines. You can just walk up. There's no queues for the coal in heaven. Did you know that?

See, I think that's starting to get closer to a sketch idea. Because it's like, it's a green religion, but then they promise you that you can burn and destroy the planet in heaven. Because I guess there's no planet, really. It's like an eternal planet that never... Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, that's the real joy.

I mean, that's what we've got to deny ourselves in this life. So that we can save ourselves for the true bliss of the fossil fuel afterlife. Eternal life of burning fossil fuels. We've just got to make a small sacrifice here. All the angels are very sooty The clouds are sort of Quite smog like In heaven

That's right And the tables I mean the desks are spread eagle Spread eagle Spread Eagle. Spread Eagle. Spread Eagle. What's the eagle doing there? I don't remember eagles laying down like that.

No. No. Indeed. If somebody was Spread Eagle actually on top of you, that would be closer to how an eagle does it. Yeah, well, I mean, spread eagled, I guess they're gripping your back with their feet, right? That doesn't sound spread.

Sort of punch, flapping their arms wildly. That's clenched eagle. Ah, clenched eagle. Yeah. Sure. Who's there? Strike eagle. Clenched eagle. Yeah. Sure. It was there. Straight eagle. Clenched eagle. Legs together eagle.

Eagle. Eagle. Still in the tub. Yeah. Wings by a sawed eagle. Yeah, I mean, I think, yeah, because I think, Andy,

what we've tapped on there with the religion thing is that, you know, they're always kind of going, look, killing and stuff like that. I know it sounds, stealing, coveting your wife's

ox i know it all seems so tempting yes yes yes yes yes we hear you but you got to make a small sacrifice on earth and then later on in heaven maybe you could kill we're not sure imagine that though maybe you can I wonder if you can kill in heaven if it's just like it is just free for all it's just a battle royale like one of those games

where you just you regenerate every time you die and you just get a you get a kill count and it's just a it's just a full hunt yes you respawn

different part of heaven. And then sometimes you're fighting on. Maybe as people's tastes change, what people actually know. Because once upon a time, right, the thing that people, I imagine, dreamed of the most was sort of things not being filthy, things not being full of disease, people being kind and that sort of thing.

But now people's tastes have changed. People, when they imagine pure bliss, probably do imagine being able to play Battle Royale video games and that kind of thing. That's right. That's right. And so heaven has to keep up. But in real life.

Heaven has to keep up with the images that people have in their minds of what bliss is. Exactly. Even the concept of bliss expands. Drinking nectar and listening to harp music on a cloud. Yeah. That was all very well, but now we have laser tag and we know that there are higher forms of bliss. and we know that there are higher forms of bliss. Exactly.

And some of them just involve camping out in a corner and shooting people with lasers as they walk past. Imagine. Paintball. Yep. Well, we haven't done that yet. Laser tag. That's just the kind of things that we could be doing because we live that urban lifestyle.

Isn't it crazy that... You know, once... Yeah. When people say that whenever a new form of media is discovered... That's right. ...it's always used for sexual things, first of all, right?

The pornography industry, right? But do you think that for every new form of projectile that is discovered, it is first seized upon by the team-building, game experience, shooting range industry? Of course. So if somebody were to discover

so we've got the laser right? Aha! We can use this to shoot at each other and bring people closer together through adversity and have fun on a work getaway. So that's first of all. Same with little globules

of paint. And of course the catapult, where they went on a business catapulting adventure, where they would launch the HR manager into a river. Launch catapults at each other. God, I would love to be catapulted. Huge flaming balls of sulfur. Are you still there, Andy?

At your colleagues. It's disappeared. huge flaming balls of sulfur at your colleagues. Here we go. Alistair? Andy, you're back. I can't believe it. You're back. Oh, we're back. It's like I was never gone. I like

your catapulting idea, your team building catapulting idea, but I think they should be launching huge flaming balls of sulfur at each other. Or maybe tipping boiling oil on each other. Tipping boiling oil on each other from the top of a... Boiling paint on each other. Boiling paint, sorry, of course. It's all paint. Huge flaming balls each other. Building. Boiling paint. Sorry, of course. It's all paint. Huge flaming balls of paint.

Yes. I think they should be... Yeah. Let's see. What's another fucked up murdering type thing that you could do with paint? I think they should be... Oh, paint. A mustard coloured paint gas

I think they should be holding one another's heads down in a trough of paint until they suffocate and die I think that's very good Andy what about a paint torture chamber? It's like waterboarding, but with paint.

Exactly. Exactly. Oh, attaching two electrodes of paint to your testicles. To their genitals. And it's just what they're really doing. It's just they make it feel like it's electrical, like zap. But what they're doing is just sort of shooting very high pressure beams of paint at your testicles. Like that.

Do you think a good slogan for a paintballing arena would be no paint, no gaint. What's gaint? No pain, no gain. No paint, no gain. No gain. No gaint. Yeah. Gaint.

Yeah. I think that's... Is the gaint... Does the gaint already exist as a part of the human body? Oh, it's got to be in the tank. No paint, no tank. There's giant. But I think the gaint then must be the bit that joins your gut to your genitals.

So I guess what other people might call the snail trail. The gaint runs from the belly button down to the front genital. Oh, of course, because it's in between the front genital and the gunt. That's right. And I'm patenting that

word. Okay, great. That's a good idea. I think it's going to catch on. And I want to get money every time someone uses it. No piano, no guiano. Is that the slogan for a piano place? Pianatorium? And maybe it's run by Giano or something like that. Giano?

Oh, really good. Yeah. And he doesn't let you sign up unless you have your own piano. Because he doesn't have one. Giano or something like that. Giano? Oh, really good. Yeah. And he doesn't let you sign up unless you have your own piano because he doesn't have one. Giano, the piano teacher, doesn't actually have a piano. So you've got to bring your own one in every time. Giano, you sure? You don't want to get a piano because this is a big hassle It's a guy

Who doesn't come to your house He doesn't have a piano But he also doesn't come to your house You've got to go to his house And bring your own piano And so you've got to hire a piano mover Guiano's piano lessons BYO piano

Guiano's Piano Lessons, BYO Piano. Guiano's Piano Lessons, BYO Piano. Great. That's a sketch. You should just put that into a local newspaper. If there's just like a small town newspaper, I think it would just be a good ad to see pop up. Just a bit of levity.

Yes, I think so. I think that would be really nice. For those who are looking for it. Andy, I think that would be quite a generous gift to the world. To anybody still reading newspapers, especially their classifieds. Yeah. Why are they called classifieds? Eh? Doesn't classified normally imply that it's only some people are allowed to read them?

Hmm. Right? This is classified. But it's the exact opposite with newspaper classifieds. That's true. Oh, so it's in the newspaper. That's what Trump could try and argue in the context about those classified documents. Yes.

I mean, I guess classified probably means that it gets arranged in some kind of class. And so maybe they're just arranging it into a class where everybody can see it. Got it. But I think, Andy, this is classified, as in I thought you meant this was in the newspaper and therefore everybody's already seen it. This is classified top secret

it's the top secret as in the least secret assuming that the top it goes from least secret to most secret you see and the top secret is the thing that the most people know the one that's on the top of the pile

of secrets so everybody can see it that's's on the top of the pile of secrets, so everybody can see it. That's right. There, on the top of the pile. Alistair, I think that of the ideas that we've come up with so far, the one about the entire sort of suite of paint-based war atrocities is the best one. Yeah. The most promising, and I think it is exciting, is the best one yeah the most promising and i think it's exciting it's an idea

i mean yeah i mean also i think gianno's piano lessons byo pianos is not too bad and of course and of course these spread eagle desk andy andy of course Spread Eagle desk, Andy. Of course. Do you think that there should be a sort of a paint war crimes tribunal at the Hague? Yes. Now, would the people who run the tribunal, would they be paintings or painters? I think they would probably be paintings of painters, ideally. Okay. But they talk. I don't have an answer.

Okay. I don't have an answer to the question. But I do like a hague, paint hague. Thank you. Isn't it funny that there's a whole town called The Hague? It's like the... It's a little bit like, you know, The Shermanator. You know?

You know? Imagine if you lived in a town where the main business like the main business in the town was your war crimes tribunal yeah you know yeah and then they're worried oh yeah we're a mining town oh we're a we're a university town oh we're a war crimes tribunal town yeah international criminal court and oh have you heard they're thinking about shutting down the International Criminal Court. But that employs most people in town and will ruin the city. Well, apparently people just aren't committing international war crimes as much these days. People just aren't buying tickets to...

And then the people who used to be lawyers in the War Crimes Tribunal. I think we might be confusing two different things. But anyway, they have to do a full Monty-style striptease in order to raise money. All the judges. Like all the judges yeah yeah that's right i think this is such a great justices i think that this is such a great movie it plays on the idea of like the small town kind of all those dumb this is like you know this is like

not another scary movie or like not another teen movie or not another teen movie or whatever. Those things are all... It's the small town boring British movies. Yeah. It's sort of a working class town. You still have all of those things of people, you know,

hard living, hard drinking, gruff men, but they're all chief justices of the International Criminal Court. Yeah. Guy going off to work every day telling his wife he's still a chief justice of the International Criminal Court, but really he lost his job a long time ago in a redundancy and he's just sitting in a park eating his sandwiches.

He can't bring it to... Anyway, I'm just now repeating the plot of Full Monty. Oh, right. Well, don't worry, I've forgotten it. War Crimes Court. And we call it The Full Bench of the International Criminal Court, Monty. Monty's the name of the main character, and we show an empty plate next to him.

And that way... It still works. It still works, you see. It'll have a little badge, a little name tag, like the judges do, that says Monty on it. Hi, I'm Monty. International Criminal Court Judge.

Alright. Did you hear the closing sound? The International Criminal Court. What? And then they have to sell a calendar to raise funds to keep it open. And maybe even somebody has to go and commit some war crimes, international war crimes. Or like fund a terrorist body.

What do you think? Have you started thinking about something else? Maybe that's what they're raising money to do. You gone, Andy? Are you gone? No, I'm here. Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. Andy, how about we go to three words from a listener? I'd love that.

Well, Andy, today I'm actually going straight to the top of the pile for this set of words. And I apologize to anybody who's not on top of the pile. Top secret. this set of words. And I apologize to anybody who's not on top of the pile. Ooh, top secret. But we got a few big-time player

Patreon supporters added recently. But somebody was very quick to get their words in. Wow. And this was Emily Aubrey. Emily Aubrey?

Emily Aubrey? Emily Aubrey, for at least Strawberry. Yeah, and so Emily has sent in three words from a listener, which I believe is Emily. Although they haven't made that clear, whether

or not the words were from Emily. They didn't say which listener. But they've sent them through emily has so thank you emily andy would you andy what is happening are you fading no no i'm fine i'm here i wonder if the the delay on our voices is getting a bit more severe or something and i'm finding it hard to jump in at the right time and i'm not sure if you're no but i mean sometimes when i ask you if you're fine your words of yours are disappearing and it's just throwing me off slightly my rhythm yeah that's okay that's okay but i'm here and my heart is in it well that's it that's good all right well do you want to start guessing what some of the words are? Maybe the first one.

The first word is glandular. Glandular? Glandular. God, that's close, Andy. That's really close. Sensory. Wow, that is close. Okay, sensory.

Second word is deprivation. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. You could not be further away. Is it abundance? Sensory abundance? It's sort of abundance. You're closer with abundance.

It's what? You're closer with abundance. It's moisture. Okay. Yeah. What is it? Moisture. Sensory

moisture. Yeah. Sensory moisture uncle? God, that's a good guess, Andy. It's very close to uncle. It's nightmare.

Sensory moisture nightmare. Yeah, which I think is interchangeable with uncle. So I used to have a recurring nightmare. Yeah. I might have already mentioned this on the podcast, but if I did, it was a very, very long time ago. A nightmare in which everything... I was in a completely white world, right?

I was like hovering in an infinite white void. And then the void began to fracture into chunks, into glass-like chunks chunks and then it turned into grit all around me and i just had this dream of the texture of this grit just felt it on my body and it was a really horrible feeling okay yeah i didn't change my sheets much as a child this may be related but i'd never felt that feeling in real life. I'm sure I've said this before, but I never felt it in real life until one day I was in a ceramics class.

And when you're turning ceramics on a pottery wheel, you dip your hands into warm water usually and then put them on the clay, the spinning clay, and shape it in that way. But one day I couldn't be bothered waiting for hot water. I used cold water. And when I put my hands in the cold water and put my hands on the clay, it was the exact same texture as in my recurring nightmare.

So I had this sort of prophetic dream about predicted, a future texture. So I might have a kind of, I might be a psychic, but only for textures. Oh, you have foretouch. That's what I'm suggesting. Yes. I can, I am able. To foretouch. To feel.

Different textures. Yeah. Yeah. To feel. Different textures. Yeah. A sort of a slippery shag pile kind of a thing. At some point in the future.

It's like carpet, but with like soggy cereal that's dried on it. Did you hear about this guy? Every texture he's dreamed has come true. It'd be great if you could be one of these people in the little tent at a market or something like that and you're dressed up like Arabian Nights kind of thing. And it is you.

I love to do that anyway. And people come in, and then you tell them about textures that will enter their life, because you've got the foretouch. And you've got a crystal carpet, and it's just a crystal carpet, right? And it's just a clear carpet, right? And you run your fingers along it like that. And then you can foretouch a texture that will come into their life.

And then with your fingers, you sort of recreate it on their hand. I think I probably just have to describe it to them. Maybe, but I think the idea... I think for this to work as a sketch, I think it has to be something that I'll describe. It'll feel like this. Because otherwise there's nothing for the audience to get a hold of. Where do they come into the story? Andy.

Maybe they don't. I know, but they're going to see you slapping their hand and like, dipping your hand in like, you know, in like a bucket of mud you got next to it and you're going like, you're whipping it up and down. I don't know what you're doing. You got marshmallows and things

like that. Maybe... Honestly, that doesn't make any sense. I am describing the texture. I insist on describing verbally the texture. I think that's where a lot of the comedy could come from as well. But I also think that we should explore the idea of a kind of comedy that is entirely texture-based. Entirely texture-based comedy.

I think somebody trying to recreate a texture using their own hand I think is interesting. But I know you're not ready for that level of physical comedy yet. But, Andy, there will be some visual gags in there.

I'm glad to hear it. Have we told the podcast that that I think we probably have we were talking with somebody about a project and I said there could they'll be like oh we could have loads of visual gags in there and Andy goes that's so funny.

And then he just thought, and then he realised what he said. And he realised and he thought, the idea of visual gags being a thing, he found it so funny. I'm so glad we could have loads of visual gags in there. That is really making me laugh. And Andy had almost never been so complimentary and genuinely enthusiastic about how funny something is.

He just went, that's so funny. Visual gags. Somebody comes on stage and they say the words, visual gags, I will start, I will piss myself. Like, Andy, like, I didn't even realize how silly of a thing it was that you had said either because I was feeling so good about the compliment

of having said something to you that was that funny. Oh, thanks, man. I'm glad you like it. Oh, really make it... This new line is really working. Visual gags. Alistair, I am very complimentary about a lot of funny things that you say

that aren't even the concept of visual gags. I think you're perhaps underplaying how much I respond positively. You respond unbelievably positively, and I appreciate it, Andy. I just... In the moment, it felt like the greatest compliment I'd ever had, and the funniest thing I'd ever said.

And it was. Yes, once again, it was you stepping in and making it funny by saying something, for once, unintentional. Thank you. So do you think that foretouch is Emily's idea? Of course. Yeah, because I was picturing one other thing where you could like, let's say you could like spit on the table.

I was picturing one other thing where you could like, let's say you could like spit on the table. And it was like, you could have like a sensory spit saliva that you could spit. And then like, you could still sense with it after you left a room. Oh, that'd be really good. What can you sense though? Is it just the texture of the table or can you sense other things? Yeah, I'm not sure. It'd be cool if you could see through it.

Like a crystal ball. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm not sure. It would be cool if you could see through it like a crystal ball. Oh, wow. Yeah. Or maybe you'd have to stick out your tongue and look at the tip of your tongue and then you could see. And then you could see

through the spit. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I feel like you just have to stand there cross-eyed. Wow Yeah Okay Yeah I feel like you just have to stand there Cross-eyed Like that Looking down

Now this is horrible And I'm really sorry Really sorry to suggest this Yeah Okay But off that idea Do you think that it would be a useful skill For a proctologist

That you could go to a proctologist Yeah They could spit on their finger and then put it up your bum and then have a look around then look across their eyes and look at the tip of their tongue and then see the inside of your rectum

Yeah, I think that's the perfect first application Do you think, Alistair, much like with the much like every new media gets used for pornography and every new projectile gets used for team building exercises, do you think every new kind of far-reaching visual technology, whether it be a camera on the end of a stick or a spit that can see

through time and space using some kind of magic, gets employed by the proctology industrial complex. I can't even contain how funny the image is in my head of somebody bending over a table. A proctologist spitting on his finger. Sticking it into somebody's butt. Then sticking out his tongue. And crossing his lips and looking down at the tip of his tongue as he... Rubbing juice around. As he just ruffles around in there.

Oh, that doesn't look very good. Oh, wow, he has a terrible bedside manner. This guy. That's how he tells it to you. Oh, there. Oh, man. Oh, what's that? I got some bad news.

Yuck. Look at my tongue. Can you see that? Can you see that there? I mean, of course it makes sense, right? Like, what are the chances that this magical power, which I assume is randomly given, you know, by a freak chance to an individual,

what are the chances that they would also be somebody who has a good bedside manner you know that's right yeah um i mean there's no reason to think that those two things would go hand in hand we only get given so much charisma so much dexterity so much strength points or whatever like that and you And all of his is just going into the... Would that be in the wisdom category, do you think? That would probably make him a druid or something like that. Feels like it's a move a druid would have.

A rectal exam. Exam. Exam. I mean, the great thing is just introducing this idea in something. And then later on, just getting to see the reality of this. Is, I don't know. It would be such a beautiful thing. It's kind of almost like a parody of sci-fi ideas.

Anyway. Andy, I think that that's it. I hope that was okay, Emily. That was two ideas we got off of your sensory moisture nightmare. And I think they both were sensory moisture nightmares. Great. Yes, thank you very much, Emily. And thank you for your support on Patreon

Yes, and thank you to all of you For your support And also those of you who don't support Thank you for your support from listening Yeah, don't let Don't think for a second That just the fact that you don't support us on Patreon Is going to stop us from thanking you

For your support on Patreon Yes, I mean you're supporting us Through making us tougher don't support us on Patreon is going to stop us from thanking you for your support on Patreon. You're supporting us through making us tougher. Through us having to... Whatever. I don't know. You get it. You get what I was trying to make a joke about. You get it. Whatever, you know, man.

We just did an hour of bits. Come on. What, you expect me to do one right before we do the song? Alright, I'll just go through the sketch ideas. We got the fucking desk, which is spread eagle. We got a biscuit tin for your mollies. No, I was going to start the song. I was howling already.

Sorry. Yeah, you read out something. We got Jim Confessions, liposuction. We got the green Religion that promotes eternal life of burning fossil fuels. We've got Team Building Shooting Industry that takes advantage

of all new weapons and projectiles developments, but also allows for full paint-based war atrocities in a paint hag. We got Gianno's Piano Lessons, BYO Pianos. allows for full paint-based war atrocities in a paint hague. We got Giano's piano lessons, BYO pianos. We got working class town, but the main industry is an international war crimes court.

We got the four-touch psychic. And we got the saliva portal used by proctologists so they cross their eyes and look at their tongue. Alistair, what was the thing before the projectile one? The paint base? What did you say before that? The green religion. The green religion.

That promises eternal life. I've forgotten whatever it was. Let's go to the song. Thank you so much for listening to In The Think Tank. I hope that that was good for you. We had a fun time. Yeah, we had a fun time. We got some fun bits in there.

Check out the 400th episode at some point. We're going to start inviting people on. And we'll start having possible names of possible people that could be on what hopefully will not be longer than 24 hours. Oh my God. Thank you for listening, everybody. I've been sick this week, so hopefully that means I get it out of the way. Oh, yeah.

And I'm no longer sick. And I won't be sick for the 400th episode. Yeah, I love that. I'll be at peak physical condition. That's right. I'm going to try and go to sleep at least before 10 o'clock the night before. Oh, my god.

My brain will be... And we love you. Bye. My brain will be. Bye.