Two In The Think Tank - 40 - "I LOVE YOU COLD TURKEY"

Episode Date: October 22, 2014

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Go, ga, go, ga, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, ga, go, Sketch ideas. And I would say very often we succeed. Look, I would say that... We succeed in trying. I was on the tram today, and I bumped into an old friend, Maya. Maya? Maya. And she was talking about her thesis. And you don't mind if... Just the one?

So thesis would be right. Her thesis monkey. It's related to the rhesus monkey. But it's much more learned. It kind of looks down upon you. It says this. It goes, yeah, you just give them your

undergraduate opinion. Everyone talks about undergraduate comedy. Nobody talks about postgraduate comedy. No, that's true. What is postgraduate comedy? They don't even talk about high school comedy. It's about postgraduate comedy. No, that's true. What is postgraduate comedy? They don't even talk about high school comedy. No.

It's really the undergraduates. But, I mean, it's not just undergraduates who find sex and farting funny. No, that's true. I'm sure there's at least one, there's a bunch of PhD students and probably professors

who will laugh at a good cunt joke. That being a joke about a good cunt. Yeah. And probably professors who will laugh at a good cunt joke. That being a joke about a good cunt. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, look. But what I was saying was I met Meyer on the tram. Yeah.

So when you went, ugh, like that. Yeah. For some reason, there was a feeling in my mind. It's like, well, there goes our chances of ever getting picked up to do radio. Yeah, that was what you were feeling in that moment. In that brief moment, that was all I needed to say goodbye to my commercial radio career. And probably my public broadcasting radio career. Because let's face it, even on the Triple J, you just can't say that stuff.

Even my political career. I doubt, you know, they're going to, if I go into politics, then they're going to dig up this podcast and go, did you hear that time he used the C word? You know which one I mean. Anyway, that's why we should invade Iraq. Do you ever think about that? I think about that probably too much. What? I think about that probably too much about my future political career and whether or not the things I'm doing now will jeopardize said future political career. I think about it occasionally, but mostly because it's because of these clowns in Congress right now.

Oh, yeah. They make you think like you could do it. Yeah. But I don't know. I wouldn't have the wherewithal to... The wherewithal. Yeah, the wherewithal. I don't even know what that word is.

Well, it's like a regular withal, but when the full moon comes out, it transforms into it. That's it. You did it. No, I didn't actually, because that doesn't make sense. Because a werewolf, you know...

Yeah. I guess a wherewithal would be a human being who, when the full moon comes out, transforms into a withal. Yeah, that's right. But really, we haven't got any closer to the truth, have we? Well, the truth is going to be in this story

about Maya on the tram. Okay. Then we'll get close to it. You're very good at keeping me on track here. And taking you off the tracks. Keeping me on the tram. Yeah. You're very good at keeping me on track here. Yeah, and taking you off the tracks. Keeping me on the tram. Yeah. You're very good at keeping me on tram.

Yeah. Which is on tracks. Absolutely. She is talking about the fact that she's doing... She did her thesis. Yeah. Singular. On decision-making, right?

The neuroscience of decision-making. Sure. But she was talking specifically about free decisions, right? The neuroscience of decision making. Sure. But she was talking specifically about free decisions, right? So this is the kind of decision where you're choosing between two equally weighted things, right? Choices, but also they don't affect anything in the real world. So really it's like almost pure creativity in that you're sitting there and you're looking at some blob in front of you, right?

Some fuzzy blob in front of you and then you're trying to decide if it's a square or a triangle. In reality it's neither but you have been told that it's one or the other and you're trying to make that decision and like the processes and the biases

and the patterns and that sort of thing that you can deduce from the way people make those decisions oh it was pretty cool and i thought in a way that's what we're doing yeah here in the podcast because we're looking at a you know an unfocused set of concepts in our mind an inkblot but a mental inkblot yeah a mental inkblot yeah um and uh and trying to decide what does it look like? What's it going to be? Like, there are no... We can say anything. Yeah. And quite possibly...

I can say, Fingers McGee crosses the road. See? But you made that decision to say that. Yeah, but then we could decide whether that's a square or a sketch. Yeah. And in my opinion, well, it's got four equal sides.

Well, okay. Fingers McGee crosses the road. That's got five words in it. Yep. How many words are there in square? One. So far. So far.

Look, so as you were saying, we've probably come a lot closer to the truth. I would say so, yeah. But I do like that. And how do you think we could turn that into a sketch? Oh, good question. No, look, I don't know. I don't think I have a solution immediately for how we could turn that into a sketch. I thought it was interesting in the context. for how we could turn that into a sketch.

I thought it was interesting in the context. It's like more a meta concept in the way that we are trying to come up with sketches without me, myself, being able to turn it into said sketch. Sure, sure, sure. Well, don't... You know, it's like if somebody came to your box factory and showed you a design, a piece of paper, right, with a design for a new box on it.

Okay, yeah. And you said, okay, turn that piece of paper into a box. Well, it's not necessarily the same thing. Oh, wait, okay, so it's a design for a box. Or like a machine that makes boxes, right? The guy shows up, he's got a machine that makes boxes there. He's probably come to your box factory. Yeah.

And you say, great, so turn the machine into a box. Oh, yeah. And you say, well, that's not quite how it works, right? Yeah. And then, but then he goes, what would you say this machine looks more like? Yeah. A triangle or a square? The guy says, look, I'm just trying to sell my box making machine, man.

This is just a job for me. I got my kids at home. All right. I got my four square kids at home. And then the guy who's running the box factory goes, listen, bud, I've got a PhD to finish, and I'm all spending all my time in this box-making factory, and I'm just sick of you.

What are people who come to your store called, your factory? Oh, hawkers. Hawkers. I'm sick of you, what are people who come to your store called, or your factory? Oh, hawkers. Hawkers, I'm sick of you hawkers with your gigantic box making machines coming to here trying to start this up. Dragging them in here, assembling them in the foyer, makes quite a mess. Yeah, and... And then telling me you can't turn it into a box. I think there is potentially a sketch in people getting put in boxes. You know how

when people say, don't put me in a box? Yeah. Don't pigeonhole me? Yeah. All right. What if it's a literal box? Or a literal pigeonhole. Or a literal pigeon. So let's say. Like the anus. That's a pigeonhole. That's a hole in a pigeon Yeah The cloaca Yeah Wasn't that a thing recently? There was a story about People Security forces in China Checking

Pigeons Pigeons' asses For terrorist threats They've looked everywhere else Yeah Yeah Wow Be alert But not alarmed If you see something Say something They've looked everywhere else. Yeah. Wow. Be alert, but not alarmed.

If you see something... Something, say something. Say something. If you see something in a pigeon's ass, say something. You know what's hanging out suspiciously around a lot of government buildings? A lot of government buildings, a lot of landmarks. Pigeons. Classic.

Flying a pigeon into the World Trade Center. They'd be doing that for months. That's how you train for these things. It's almost like all you need to do is suggest it, and then it becomes a real threat. Well, that's what a threat is. It's just a suggestion, isn't it? That's how you threaten somebody.

Isn't it? That's how you threaten somebody. So really the place where they collect these threats is just a suggestion box. Yeah, a threat box. So look, we realised a lot of people were feeling awkward about openly threatening the government, so what we've done is we've placed a little box just outside Parliament House, there's a little slot there, we've got some paper with some pens. And it's just so you can go and you can just anonymously threaten whoever you want. Okay, so just drop it in there

and we'll take all of that on board. We'll just like in a paranoid way massively overreact to anything you put in the box. But you don't have to put your name to it, okay? It's like those syringe boxes in cubicles. Yeah. It's like,'s like those syringe boxes and cubicles yeah it's like well we've accepted that people are going to be threatening the government right so we may as well just have a place where they can put their threats and safely dispose of them yeah

rather than annoy other people with it or spread their message around just just Just vomit up your idea into here. Okay. I really like the idea of two things. Yeah. Right? One, I genuinely think it's funny that the government would have a suggestion box outside Parliament House. Right? Yeah.

Maybe this just comes down to the character of the Prime Minister. Maybe he's like a really chilled out, low-key kind of guy. We've got this guy, he's come in. Maybe he's just come in from... He was the union leader at a suburban primary school, representative, and for some reason he becomes the prime minister. The PTA guy? Yeah, the PTA. He was the head of the PTA.

And he thought, I'll have a crack. He's made it to the Parliament House, and he implements the suggestion box system. So he's pretty happy. He's made it himself. He's written in pen on the box, suggestions. Yeah. Put it outside the Parliament House there, and he comes down every morning and just checks it and sees what he got.

Opens it up. A couple of steaming turds. Yeah, a couple of steaming turds. We always get those. Yeah. But what's this under the turds? Oh. Okay, so this is an actual note from somebody

and it says, suck a bag of dicks. Okay, so that's a suggestion. It's probably not something that we as the government can implement right away, but absolutely we'll I'll take that to the caucus. It's not really the responsibility of the government to suck a bag of dicks. Obviously, if there's a popular groundswell of support and that this is what the people really want.

But we can't be held hostage by, obviously, minority lobby groups. But there will have to be an inquest into which dicks need to be sucked and how numerous a number and how many resources we can apply that he can so so so you know look i i i'm i'm pretty confident that this isn't a broad a broad demand of the public and anyway he comes down the next day and there's just like so many bits of paper saying suck a bag of dicks because it's really gone viral and he's like okay so we're probably gonna have to do some kind of a... But then they have to hire just a public servant to do it anyway. But if that's what keeps the people happy, just knowing that...

Sucking a bag of dicks. All right, look, I'll write down... Can you write that? Suggestion box. Parliament House suggestion box. All right. But then also that other thing of being able to threaten people in an anonymous and open way just to get it off your chest is interesting.

And the idea that a threat is really just a threat, like a bomb threat. I'm calling it a bomb threat. Yeah. Right? So are you calling in a bomb or a bomb threat? Yeah, is it a threat or is there a bomb? Is it actually a bomb? Actually a bomb?

But then them saying, like once they say that there's not actually a bomb, then it sort of doesn't become, it's no longer a threat. Yeah, where does the... Well, okay, so, no, they're calling in a... I'm calling in to report a bomb threat, right? And say, like, well, I know that bomb threats can be hugely damaging to events, you know?

Like, if you have to evacuate a... Somebody's really revving their engine outside the building. I'm not sure if you can hear this right now on the other end of the podcast. Yeah. Somebody's really revving their engine outside the building. I'm not sure if you can hear this right now on the other end of the podcast. Yeah. The podcast has two ends. It's one of those...

It's one of those things where it's like, oh, this guy's probably going to burn up his tires soon. He's going to do that... Wow! He's really...

He's revving it. Well, maybe he's just warming it up, you know? There you go. It's the morning and he wants to warm up the car before he takes off just to save the engine. Yeah, it's better on the engine. It's better on the engine.

What was I saying? So he's calling, because a bomb threat can be hugely damaging to an institution, an organization, or possibly a conglomerate. Absolutely, all three of those things. Any of those three. And so if you call one in, that's bad news. So you could call in to report that you're going to call in a bomb threat sometime in the next 24 hours. So you make a bomb threat threat. Yeah, more or less.

Yeah. Or instead of having found a bomb, you found a bomb threat in a backpack. Yeah. A suspicious backpack. A suspicious envelope. Yeah, and then in there it says, oh, I'm going to blow up your building. Yeah. But then what do they do with that?

So they send in a robot to read the note? Because obviously it can be quite a shock, reading a bomb threat like that. A little robot with little glasses and little hands and opens the envelope and reads it. It's okay, everyone. It's not a bomb threat. It's not a bomb threat. It's a love letter. We overreacted. But we're going to destroy it anyway, just to be safe.

And then the robot gets out a little cigarette lighter and lights the corner of it. And just holds it there while it burns. I think I'm slightly confused by this idea. Oh. I wonder what the most obscure way of delivering a bomb threat has been. Because, I mean, you call in a bomb threat. Yeah. But, you know, have they...

I mean, look, we've already talked about pigeons and bombs and stuff. Yeah. I don't know, carrier pigeon, if it's a reliable enough way to deliver a bomb threat. Telegram, email. I guess email is probably... It's too traceable, maybe? But if you go to internet and into it tinder i always think about i'm gonna tinder in a bomb threat i always think about if i was going

to threaten the government or do some kind of uh like uh some kind of like social disruptive thing that I would always have involved me going with a brand new USB thing that I would get from like JB Hi-Fi. See, I plan my future political career, but you plan your future political threats. Yeah. Like how you're going to destroy the government. Yeah.

And then I buy a fresh USB drive and then I go to an internet cafe. Yeah. And then I just do it in from there. But I got to make sure I get an internet cafe that doesn't have... Any cameras. Cameras and things like that. Yeah.

So you just got to have nothing that's touched your computer. Yep. And you. So what does the USB do, though? I don't know. Maybe it's... Why do you need a USB at all? I can't remember.

Maybe if I'm stealing documents. Oh, yeah. Okay. So you're going to hack into... Maybe I'm going remember. Maybe if I'm stealing documents. Oh, yeah, okay. So you're going to hack into... Maybe I'm going to hack into your hacking. Could be. Or maybe I'm downloading music. Look, you've planned the new USB part of it.

Look, the USB, you never know. You never know. Because I can't use my email. I can't email whatever I'm doing to myself. Right. You can go and start a new Gmail account. Yeah, go in your Gmail. And then you've got to make sure.

Sign up for Picasa. You know, when you get the new Gmail account, you've got to make sure you don't, like, sometimes you can have a backup account that you can send the password to. Don't put in your regular email. Such a classic. There's so many hiccups that you could pick up along the wickup.

Pick up a hiccup along the wickup. I think the robot to read bomb threats is funny. All right, I'll write down. Like a suspicious envelope, suspicious letter. Because these things like hate mail and we know that kind of stuff can be very damaging, very scary. Things like, you know, hate mail and we know that kind of stuff can be very damaging, very scary, you know. So there's a, maybe, you know, as well as the bomb, in the bomb squad, they've got the bomb robot, but then they've also got the bomb threat robot. Okay.

Somebody calls in, reports that there's a suspicious envelope. It could be a bomb threat. Right. Down at the mall, they send in the bomb. Is there just a guy there who's controlling the thing? Yeah. Or is it the robot itself who's reading it?

I think there's a guy controlling the thing. But it's not too traumatizing for a man to read it. Over, through... Through a computer. Can you watch a... Sorry, you were about

to say something. I wasn't. Can you watch a... Sorry, you were about to say something. I wasn't. Can you watch a... I don't know. I think the answer is definitely. But a solar eclipse through a bomb threat robot's eyes? Yes. It feels kind of poetic.

I don't know why. Or not even like a bomb threat robot. It could just be like one of those bomb dismantling robots. But imagine being, you're driving the bomb dismantling thing, robot. And then, just a moment, it kind of goes a little bit dark. And then you look up and you just see the sun. And there's a solar eclipse. And then just the guy controlling the bomb robot just gets a tear.

A single tear. He's the only person who got to see it. Yeah, because everybody else was outside without... Not looking at it. Not looking at it. I think using bomb disposal robots for other things is quite funny. Yeah. You know, like I can definitely picture an ad, right, where, you know, and this is probably,

it's back, it's, okay, it's a back to school ad. Yeah. Right, for like lunchboxes and stuff, right? So a kid, he's forgotten to take his lunchbox out of his backpack at the end of last term, right? The Sandra's in there, they've all gone all moldy. Yeah. Anyway, the mum calls in the bomb squad

and they come out and they get the robot and they use it to detonate his lunchbox in the middle of the street. I was picturing two... Back to school. Office works has got sales on all your latest... You are getting really good at writing ads right now.

Really good. Yeah, because I thought you were going to go in the direction where the guys who are driving it are just living their whole lives from behind it. And so maybe two of them go on a date. Yeah. Like that kind of thing. And maybe they look up and they see a sunset, then kind of look at each other and go back, and then they go on dates together. That's great. at each other and go back and then they go on dates together that's great but but yeah because because it's it because they're scared of you know real commitment and getting hurt basically

yeah you know being in a relationship like that so they send the bomb robots on on a date see that's good that's beautiful like and then and then during it there's a solar eclipse and then they look up and also they they do you know part of their everyday thing is that because they're teammates and they're on the same squadron together, and then they have to go. This is like the fireman's equivalent of getting a cat out of a tree. They go and get the back-to-school lunchbox. So we can work that in. Everything's included.

It all adds color to the sketch. Yeah. And then at the end, Officeworks. Officeworks. For all your back to school supplies. We can get sponsored by Officeworks. Yeah. Hopefully it won't take any work away from Ted and Angus.

Two friends that do Officeworks ads. Hopefully it won't take any work away. I mean, yeah. We are replacing them with robots. In effect. And if somebody does. We are replacing them with robots. In effect. And if somebody does have to deliver the news to them... We should probably get a robot to do it. Yeah, or put them behind a robot

and then they tell them through the robot so that they can't be hurt by it. But then, okay, what about... We could take this to all sorts of levels, right? Because what about, like, in... This is changing sorts of levels, right? Because what about like in... This is changing the idea slightly, right? But you know how in wars now we've got drones and we've got like sort of mechanical fighting machines.

So you control those from a long way away in an office, right? But what if they... And that's to protect their men, basically. Protect their men. If you don't have to go out there and fight, and women, if you don't have to go out there and fight, you're less likely to get injured. Yeah. But then they find out that the people sitting at these office desks

are actually getting traumatized. I mean, this is obviously not funny for a sketch, but anyway, let's pretend it is, and we'll continue as if it is. They're getting traumatized. They're having other mental effects from controlling these drones and doing all this damage. So they get a robot to sit at the desk and control the drone, and then that robot at the desk is controlled by someone else further away at another level. How many levels back do you have to go before people don't experience the trauma?

Yeah, exactly. There might actually be a thing to that, where you could be so many levels disconnected from it, where eventually you just don't feel like you're responsible for it. It's just a guy on an iPad. I'm sure that is definitely a thing. I'm sure it is definite.

I'm sure that it is definite. Look, I'm sure that is definitely a thing. I'm sure it is definite. I'm sure that it is definite. Look, I'm sure that it's probable. The idea of, yeah, the robot behind, I think that could be a thing. Look, so far we have three bomb threat robot related things. Look, this could be our thing, okay? This is our thing. We're going to do an all bomb threat robot slash drone sketch show. Sketch show.

Yeah. Bomb threat robot is going to be the name of the show, right? And then when they review us, poorly, because we've only got bomb threat robots in the show, when they review us, poorly, because we've only got bomb threat robots in the show, the reviewers are going to write, somebody should have got a bomb threat robot to come in and detonate this stinker of a show

because it is a bomb. And then we'll get a bomb threat robot to read that review because obviously it would be devastating for us to read it personally. And the cycle shall continue. All right, I've written it down. Great, written it personally. And the cycle shall continue. All right, I've written it down. Great, written it down.

That's four ideas. Great, almost done. Three minutes in. How many? Three minutes in? 23. Three minutes in. Three minutes in.

Andy, what does it feel like to be a person whose hair just falls naturally neatly? Naturally neatly? Yeah, because your hair rarely seems untidy. Really? Yeah. Oh, thank you. Well, I think sometimes I...

It's not a compliment because it doesn't seem like you're responsible for it in any way. I'll take it. I'll take any kind of compliment. It doesn't have to be something that I did personally. It's not a compliment. I'm saying that you're not responsible. I'll take it. I'll take it, Alist. It doesn't have to be something that I did personally. It's not a compliment. I'm saying that you're not responsible. I'll take it. I'll take it, Alistair.

It's like saying... I'm really happy... It's like I was describing the thickness of your cell walls. It's very nice of you to say that about me. The thickness of your cell walls. Why would you take that as a compliment? But everybody does. People say you've got beautiful eyes.

You'd take that as a compliment, wouldn't you? Or do you say, excuse me, I possess the genetic material that made these eyes that you find pleasing for whatever social or cultural reasons, but

to suggest that I possess the quality of beauty in my eyes is, I'm sorry. I mean, thanks, but no thanks. It's a quality that exists only in the mind of others, whereas objectively, I am neutral. Objectively. Objectively.

That's funny. Somebody who's too modest. Just like so modest that everybody wants to beat the shit out of them. I'll just write that down. Man so modest. Or woman. No. I want to be attacked by feminists over this

particular thing. This is definitely this sketch is definitely about a man and cannot be played by a woman. I'm not saying that a woman cannot be this modest. I'm saying they definitely can be. But I refuse to let a woman play this man in this sketch. That's interesting that somebody who says men and women are equal,

women can do absolutely anything that men can. But not on my watch. I'm just not going to allow it. Okay? Believe me, what I'm doing is appalling. Because I know that a woman can do it. I was at a prison today, Alistair. Yeah.

It's okay. I haven't done anything wrong. Yeah. But there was a man there making a delivery to another man. Was it a cake? It was a cake. Cake

baked inside another cake. Inside this cake. Look, it's a smaller cake. And inside that cake is just a muffin. It's just a muffin. That it's a cupcake. That it's a mini cupcake. Oh, then.

Then. What's in the mini cupcake? It's one of those bunchkins that you get from Dunkin' Donuts. What's inside that? It's just a crumb. What's inside the crumb? Infinitely divisible. We get down to the point where we find a single atom.

We split that. and inside the atom, it's a file. It's a file. It's a file. I knew it. And it's on a USB drive. Oh, he's downloading it. Oh, it's got all this genetic material on it.

Oh, see, here's the problem. USB drive could have your fingerprints on it, so you've got to make sure that people don't get their hands on yours. Get their hands. Well, they can get their hands on it, but just make sure you don't get your hands. Alright, alright, alright.

I've got no idea what we were talking about. Do you think when people say you were caught red-handed, they're referring to the red hands of the devil? What is the redness of the hand? Do you think that the guilty hand? Probably blood. Blood?

Probably blood. Blood. It's probably the blood of the human. It's the blood of the human you've injured. That you've stabbed. Yeah.

I caught him red-handed. Yeah. I never thought about that. No, me neither. Until now. Until you so quickly analyzed it

in the most obviously rational way. Well done. Or the person, you know how people get, they kind of, they get a red face when they feel guilty

or they... Yeah, your hands are blushing. Yeah, it's just, you get hand blush, which is the new product that we're offering here. Yeah. Is that,

you want, do you feel, do you feel not guilty enough? I mean, do you feel like you don't look guilty enough? Well It's just basically red powder

That you just dust your hands with It's red powder Somebody had eaten all the raspberries And I caught him red-handed Andy, you were at a prison And a guy was delivering something Oh, I was, yes I was at a prison

A man was delivering some big barrels of something was. Yes. I was at a prison and a man was delivering some big barrels of something. I don't know. He was really suspicious. He was having a joke with the guy he was delivering it to about it being meth. Right. I assume he was having a joke. Otherwise it was the worst drug deal I have ever seen.

There's two types of inconspicuous and one of them is to just be in plain sight, just saying exactly what you're doing. That's right, hiding in plain sight. Yeah. I'm here to deliver the methamphetamines to the prisoners. It was probably gruel. Oh, sure he is.

It was probably gruel. Gruel. Yeah. Yes. Do you think, I mean, do you think they pre-make the gruel before they go to the prison? The word gruel and grueling, those must be related, right? This is grueling. It's like eating through gruel.

It's like eating gruel. There's no way that the word gruel would have arisen separately in two different unpleasant situations. Like the eyes of... Of a squid. Of a squid. I use that so much as a metaphor. Like the eyes of a squid. Like the eyes of a squid. Like the eyes of a squid.

Gruel appeared independently from grueling. Like the eyes of a squid. Anyway, there was a man at the prison. He was delivering this stuff. Anyway, he made a joke about meth, and then he was talking about how there's an ice epidemic. No, he must have seen the Four Corners special. I think he'd seen the Four Corners special. I think you'd seen the Four Corners special. And Ballarat.

And then he said, it's all, you know why this is, you know why we have this, it's because of political correctness gone mad. And anyway, I had to leave. But I would love to know, I would love to know how the Greenies and political, he mentioned the Greenies as well, the Greenies and political correctness gone mad are responsible for the ICE epidemic.

I mean, if political correctness really has gone insane and has started buying huge quantities of meth amphetamine and selling it in country towns, then all right, fair enough. Unless political correctness has gone criminally insane. Yeah, well, but maybe it's the madness of politically correctness is induced by a methamphetamine like psychosis. Oh yeah.

This is political correctness gone. Methamphetamine psychosis. Yeah, like you know, it's madness that's induced by the delusionary state of methamphetamine. But then that would seem to imply that methamphetamine is responsible for political correctness going mad and not the other way around. Maybe he was just confusing cause and effect. Well, yeah. This is political correctness on crack.

This is a guy who delivers barrels for a living. To a prison. To a prison. He is not in going... Look, and I don't mean to judge. I mean, I am judging you. But what was the point of us talking about this, right? Okay, so in what way could political

correctness have caused the nice epidemic, do you think? Well, you can't say anything these days, can you? You know, you can't... So there's people who are on meth, and it's wrong to say anything about it. And saying something about it would have stopped the methamphetamine spread. I wonder if maybe that's what he's saying, that because of political correctness, you can't criticise someone for being on meth anymore.

But you clearly can. There are ad campaigns everywhere that are really mean about people on meth. Yeah. Really mean. Well, maybe that's only making it worse because they feel really bad and they go, I feel horrible. I'm going to go do some

meth. Yeah. So maybe you need really kind ads that go, hey, you know what's better than being on meth? Not being on meth. Hey, you might be on meth, but at least you're not on heroin. Those guys

are the real idiots. When I was in Scotland, they're like, you know, we don't have ice here. And I go, really? And they're like, well, because heroin's too easily acceptable. We don't have that problem. And I go, oh, there you go.

That's great. Good news, everyone. I've got everybody off ice. Congratulations. Now, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Election promise delivered. We have beaten methamphetamine.

Yes. Now, does anyone know where I can get a lot of methadone really cheaply? Yeah, it's kind of like how people get people out of those crazy cults and they just do it by getting somebody into Christianity. Yeah. So wait, I'm going to write down the guy who's gotten everybody off of... It's like the mayor who's gotten everybody off of meth by putting them all on heroin.

I'd just like to point out that I've done an absolutely terrible job of managing the levels of this podcast. That we seem to be peaking constantly and then too quiet. And I really, I have tried, but I've failed. So I'm sorry if the audio quality has not been up to scratch. Or has

been up to scratch in the sense that it is up and it is scratchy. But it has not been down to the absence of scratch. I'd also like to apologize for that sentence. And scratching? Have I been yelling a lot, Andy? I think we've both been yelling a bit. Yes, because when we...

And then whenever we measure the, you know, set the levels, we do it in quite a rational way because it doesn't inspire passion, the setting of levels. No, absolutely. But also, at the beginning, I think we weren't as motivated and we weren't as switched on. If anything, we could turn on the podcast, like we could start the podcast 15 minutes in. Do you want me to do that?

Do you want me to delete the start? No way. I want people to have to suffer through it. They have to suffer through the artistic process in the same way that we have to, where sometimes you just don't feel like doing it, and you're just trudging your ass in. Yeah. But eventually... That's why I like the first 20 minutes of any great film that I go to see

to just be frustrating and futile, full of dead ends and not going anywhere. Some of them... Poorly expressed. Some of them... Poorly expressed. Some of them... People are mumbling and trying to get out of it. Some films express the artistic process perfectly by being painful and gruelling all the way through. And they're never... Gruelling.

Gruelling and never having any kind of satisfaction out of it. And you go, ah, that's what the artistic process feels like to me. So that's what Funny People was about. Yeah. It's my go-to terrible film that I hated. Yeah, I didn't feel good about it. I would like to go back and watch it again. Oh, no, don't do that, Alistair.

You're blaming yourself. It was a terrible film. Yeah, but how did the critics find it? Oh, they liked it. Did they? I think actually quite some of them did. Yeah. But not me.

I think because it was about stand-up comedy, it felt like it was something where I was like, I know a little bit about this. Yeah. I mean, I guess a lot of us don't, like, I mean, you would love to see a movie about stand-up comedy that isn't the sad clown thing again.

Yeah. You know? The Obvious Child is... About stand-up comedy. ...stand-up comedy, and she does go through a hard time, but mostly because she's going through a breakup and abortion.

But it's a really good movie. Go see that. Wow, great. That's Jenny Slade. Yeah, I've heard good things. Well... And she is pretty awesome. Yeah. Marcel Lachelle with Shoes. What's great. That's Jenny Slade. Yeah, I've heard good things. And she is pretty awesome. Yeah.

Marcel the Shell with Shoes. What's that? That's her web series. Oh, I've never seen that. It's really good. You'd love it. I just saw the title of that somewhere. Marcel the Shell with Shoes.

Episode 3 just came out. I think it did. Oh, my God. Look. This is a, yeah. It's amazing, those things. I just read the book, Lewis Carroll, The Hunting of the Snark. Oh, my God. Look. This is a, yeah. It's amazing, those things. I just read the book, Lewis Carroll, The Hunting of the Snark.

Yeah. Right? I finished that on the weekend. And then yesterday, downloaded a new podcast, a language podcast. They're discussing the word snark. I was like, oh. Oh. You're listening to language podcasts? Yeah.

Oh, Andy, you're listening to everything at the moment. I'm listening to everything. You're just absorbing constantly. Thank you, oh. Oh. You're listening to language podcasts? Yeah. Oh, Andy, you're listening to everything at the moment. I'm listening to everything. You're just absorbing constantly. I'm eating. Oh, well, you know what I'm going to read? Infinite Jest. No, you're not. Yeah, I am.

I got James McCann's copy. Yeah? Yeah. It's going to happen. I'm like another ten pages in. It's my third go. Maybe my fourth go. Yeah.

But it's way easier this time. I'm just pushing through. Yeah? Yeah, I pushed through those first ten pages. Maybe it's like quitting smoking. Yeah. But it's way easier this time. I'm just pushing through. Yeah? Yeah, I pushed through those first ten pages. Maybe it's like quitting smoking. Yeah. Oh, it is. I'm reading this book, Cold Turkey.

It'd be great if you could do other things, Cold Turkey, other than quit. Yeah. So wait. So what technically does Cold Turkey mean? It means you're giving it up completely. I'm going at it completely. I'm going for it. Cold turkey.

Yeah, yeah. Look, I love you, cold turkey. Yeah. I love you, cold turkey. I love you, cold turkey. That's when you're like, you've been trying to cross the Himalayas with your turkey. And it's getting, like the turkey, you've been trapped in an avalanche. Just so that Andy's arms are in a way that he looks like he's holding the turkey.

I'm spooning a turkey. It's not even able to walk anymore. It's a little turkey gobble. It's got icicles hanging off it. So there's the thing that hangs down and then off the bottom of that, further below that, icicles hanging off it. So there's the thing that hangs down and then off the bottom of that, further below that, icicles. And I'm holding it close to my body and I'm saying

I love you, cold turkey. Cold turkey. And I'm never going to give you up. I'm writing... I'm never going to give you up, cold turkey. Cold turkey.

I'm just going to write I love you, cold turkey. Sure. Maybe after Paris Je T'aime and New York I love you, they can make another one called I love

you cold turkey. It said turkey in winter. Do they have winter in Turkey? Look, I'm sorry, they only have one season there.

And it's Christmas. And it's the festive season. It's autumn. Oh! The leaves are just always falling. Always in a process of giving up. It was fun. I was listening to the Todd... Speed, just look, while we're talking about podcasts,

I was listening to the Todd Glass podcast the other day. He was talking about how he used to smoke pot. It was a period where he was smoking pot seven nights a week. Yeah. And he says, but then I went back and now I only do it

two or three days a week, two or three nights a week and I did it cold turkey. And he wasn't even making a joke. I didn't ease my way off. Like he would have taken, like just like a,

you know, he's like, just puts on like a weed lip balm for two of those days. No, no, no. Cold turkey. Not for me. I just gave it up completely

some of the time. Was that the episode with Henry Phillips? Yeah, I think it was. Can you guys smell crickets? Yeah. Really good episode. Anyway, so go listen to that.

Listen to that. Watch Marcel the Shell with Shoes. Yeah. Obvious Child. Sounds like that's pretty good. Oh, it's great. If you want to know more about snark, the word snark, I recommend Lexicon Valley. No wonder you're a writing prodigy.

I've just started listening to a new screenwriting podcast called Script Notes. I've listened to a bunch of episodes. Don't give away all your secrets. Well, my secrets are basically other people giving away their secrets. But I do sometimes feel like keeping that to myself. Maybe if I don't tell anyone about this podcast where they're telling people how to be good screenwriters, then I'll be the only good screenwriter apart from them and the people who are currently listening to the podcast, which sounds like it's thousands.

They'll be the only good screenwriters. It'll just be me and the guy who wrote Scary Movie 2. That's being hard on him. I think it's got David Cross in that second one I think David Cross is in Scary Movie 2 Yeah he was in Alvin and the Chipmunks Wasn't he? Yeah Chipwrecked Chip in the habit

Back in the chip We've already got seven ideas Chip We've got seven ideas And we've started just talking about Chip Chip All my favourite podcasters do a bit at the end of the podcast

where they promote cool things that they like. Well, here's also another podcast. Listen to them all. No, but wait. Listen to the Radiolab podcast. I think it's the most recent one at the moment. But where they're recommending another podcast. Oh, great.

Okay, where they're recommending Meet the Composer. Yeah. And then it's like an episode. Great episode and a fantastic recommendation. So definitely worth listening to that recommendation. Well, it's basically, they've just cut up an episode of Meet the Composer and then they introduce different parts of it. Do you think I should go back to the start of this podcast

and just record a little thing that says, look, the start of this podcast is pretty bad. It's slow. But if you listen through, it's fun, it gets good, we talk a lot about bomb disposal robots, and we've got some cracking recommendations at the end. Yeah, at first we're

not 100% sure about the bomb disposal robots, but then we really get into it. I was 100% sure about it, but I could tell you were very sceptical. I had some doubts, but then we really got into it. Anyway. Andy, I just had to have my button switched on. Yeah, you're switching your button. Now we're just talking between us like

we're not on a podcast. Like mates. Yeah. Do you think we're mates? What we do is, when we just talk between us like we're not on a podcast, we just talk and we just recommend podcasts to each other. That's true. Andy, would you say I am your mate to you? Yeah. No, not that. Would you I am your mate to you? No, no, no, not that.

Would you actually say that sentence to me? Or my mate. No, no, but say I am your mate. I am your mate. Oh, thanks, Andy. You are my mate. Are you my mate? I am your mate.

Mates. Great mates. Thanks for listening. Oh, do we want to run through the ideas oh yeah we'll run through the ideas Andy have you gotten bashful you've been caught red faced sorry

well okay it's just that we just expressed emotion to each other probably got bashful yeah we got bashful we became like one of the seven dwarves oh Andy that's a horrible thing to say.

They didn't like being called that. I feel like I got entrapped. Yeah. All right, so the first... One of the seven... The seven... Oh, what is it? Dwarves?

Oh, how dare you. Oh, Andy. Oh, my God. They're just people of small stature. I don't think they would even like that. Oh, let's just not refer to them. I think it's best to not refer to them. Yeah You know probably ignore their existence. It's just it would be wrong to refer to other people based on what their shape is That's true. Yeah snowmen. Hey don't refer to their shape just refer to them as men

Cold men. Cold men. Who is that? What's that really cold guy's name? It's cold. How rude. It's political correctness. God, man.

On ice, probably. On ice. Good. That was good, AD. Thanks. You looked that up. Number one. Parliament House suggestion AD. Thanks. You looked that up. Number one, Parliament House suggestion box.

Yeah. It's mostly just shit and telling me what to expect. But occasionally, you know, the guy's intentions are good. Two, robot that reads the bomb threat. So it's just there. It finds envelopes or like little bits of scrumpled up paper. It's basically robots are out picking up mostly receipts. But then occasionally it's a bomb threat that it reads.

And then there's a bomb robot. Wait, there's the bomb robot people who go on dates and live their lives through the bots? Yep. So it's just two. I mean, I wonder if you could get access to some of these robots. I think we could run all of these together. I'd like to see us running all of these together. Well, I think we should just make a sketch show that actually is just the drone episode.

Yeah. Sort of like, you know, what was the guy's name who did the one-liners and then did his own sketch show? Dimitri Martin's important things. He had a theme. He would have a theme. Running throughout.

And then the drone controller replaced by a robot to stop the controller getting traumatized. And then hopefully the guy who controls that robot doesn't get traumatized. Yeah, I think maybe at the end, like, somebody points that out to the person who's designed the bomb controller robot, the drone controller robot, at the end. And they say, I don't think that would happen. Yeah, I doubt that. That's ridiculous. It's just controlling a robot. I mean, will the man be hurt by the bombs that are shot at the drone?

No. No. I think so, anyway. Anyway. I don't know, something to think about. Then we've got man so modest that people want to punch him. And he's got beauty does not exist within my eyes, but in the minds of those who observe them.

And so he's... Yeah, just really modest guy. Yeah. That's actually quite nicely expressed. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you. You're welcome.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you. You're welcome. Six is a mayor who's got everyone off meth by flooding the market with heroin. Literally, he flooded the market. They had a market. They had a market, yeah.

He flooded it with heroin. Yeah, he just... It was a swimming pool size Victoria market. It was a market, Victoria market, but in an old swimming pool. He flooded it. You know how the Dogtown Boys, they used empty pools for skateboarding? Yeah. Well, he was a cool dude mayor in Scotland who flooded... Filled it up with heroin.

First of all, filled it up with heroin started first of all filled it up with a market yeah the old pool and then with heroin he's very creative he's always got a new idea and then there's it just says

I love you cold turkey but it's just other things that you do cold turkey like loving anyway and then it just says here

I am your mate thanks Al ain't no worries see you later