Two In The Think Tank - 400 - "400 Sketch Ideas" - Part 1

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Here it is. Part 1 of Episode 400 of Two in the Think Tank. Words can't express our gratitude to: Evan and Bec and the team at Stupid Old Studios for setting this up. Friend of the show Ellie Durkin for the amazing background art. The courageous and kind guests who joined us at all hours. Stu, The Macaroni Prince himself for stepping in and editing this colossal audio file. Everyone who tuned into the live feed. And of course our beloveds for making it all possible.Thank you for listening. And thank the universe for being intelligible so that such a thing as listening is even possible; at least up until about hour 15.Watch the FULL VIDEO of the original livestream hereGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Two in the Think Tank, the show where we come up with 400 sketch ideas. Alistair, has nobody told you what we're doing today? Yeah, I actually made that as a genuine mistake. Hello everybody and welcome to our episode of Two in the Think Tank. I'm Andy. And I'm Alistair George William Trombley-Burchell. And if this is your first time tuning into the show, yeah, they're all like this.

Every single thing, yeah, it's always very high production. We're always dressed up. And we always enter them with the understanding that if necessary we'll be here for 80 hours that's right and there's a chance i mean it hasn't hasn't been necessary so far but that's really nice i really like that um yeah uh you've made me think of not an idea yeah you know but a topic okay great you want to get right into it you don't want to do a bit of preamble i mean we, we could. I mean, how are you? No. I'm with you, Alan.

I guess I was embarrassed this time when we ordered McDonald's. Yeah, the listeners, the long-term listeners of the show will be excited to know that we had a small, minor interaction at McDonald's as we were getting our traditional 100th episode breakfast this morning. Right. We love to support local businesses. And so normally, of course, the last time Andy did know how to order a meal, and he says, a meal? I thought, of course it is a meal. Yeah, I'm going to eat it if that's what you mean.

And then this time they asked me, is that all? But I heard, metal? Metal? Metal? Metal? No, it's not. It's not quite as good. it's not going to turn into the same kind of stuff i think so i think t-shirts that say metal question mark you know maybe it could maybe it could be a logo of like a fully metal um burger or something underneath you know somebody could render it and beautiful sort sort of glowing... Here's my first sketch idea suggestion.

I was just in the bathroom doing something very important. And I was thinking, why don't they paint the inside of toilet bowls with that Vantablack paint? And then when you go to the bathroom, you could feel like you are shitting into the infinite void. Sure. I mean, that would be really nice. It would be nice to think... you go to the bathroom you could feel like you are shitting into the infinite void sure i mean that would be nice it would be it would be nice to think you'd be very quickly disabused of the

notion yeah when you look down and saw your poo floating now do you think the infinite blackness you think that like stains would come up more on the vento black somehow like well i think they would think with the the smallest amount of colour or maybe like the bowl would kind of act like a satellite dish, amplifying it all, all the light that's not being reflected. I don't think that's the case.

I don't think that's what would happen. The light needs somewhere to go. It's going in there. It's not being reflected. But as we've established with Vantablack, the one place it isn't going is back out. Yeah, right. It's not being reflected.

That's the whole point. I worry that a little nugget would just get really hot. You know, really hot. Just from all the light that isn't being reflected. Sure. Like that. And it would just instantly be like... I mean, this could be one of the things that they cover in the ad.

This does happen, but it's important to scrub the bowl very, very quickly. But you don't even have to flush because it instantly evaporates. And that's fine. That's very safe. Instant evaporation. What you're describing there is a pressure bomb. But I think what if the hot bowl... What if the liquid...

If they could find a way to make a Vantablack liquid Yeah And which is going to be great When they do a tie-in with McDonald's And you can buy Vantablack Fanta Vantafanta Oh And you can drink just like this

It's gonna feel like death But it's gonna be so fucking cool But if the water in the bowl as well could be that Then whatever goes in would never be seen This would be so good for the Vantablack people this would be that they're going to be very excited they've invented this amazing technology the first thing we can think of to do with it is to put it in the toilet alistair i've got another idea okay wait wait hold it for just one second the vantablack toilet i think one of the benefits is that it will be alistair we don't have time i know but

to find any joy in these ideas it'll be like like shitting into space yes should be should be exactly not this awful thing where you're that's why buzz aldrin's so grumpy these days every time he remembers it kind of just moving in all directions what it should have been and i'm just i'm just clarifying there's also hot toilet i'm just taking my other idea that was i was fucking up your idea to be honest and so and i'm changing it to hot toilet hot toilet it's like a stove and a toilet in one and you just you drop it and everything instantly goes like that and you get to feel that warm yeah is there gonna be any issues with splashback i guess no because there's not gonna be any liquids left everything will be ski, minster Yeah, okay Alright Alistair

This is it Running scissors Okay You're not supposed to run with scissors What about this? We invent the first scissors that are designed to be run with And we get Usain Bolt You can't use them when you're not walking

I don't know if you're using them while you're running No, you have to You have to, okay You can't not use them No, they don't. You have to, okay. You can't not use them. No, they don't exist unless you run. Wow. What about that?

Like, they only appear in your head. You have to run. If you want the scissors... It's just an empty box, like this, right? It looks like an empty box, and it says, put your hand in here, and you have to kind of mime picking up scissors. Yeah, you've got to believe. It's like like hook it's like the movie hook and that meal they're having like that right and then but then you're walking around you look like an idiot but then you start to but you run like a god that's right and then you're suddenly you're cutting out little

like little um gingerbread men all their hands are connected like that yeah yeah and you unfold it like that and as you stop to show them the scissors disappear they say how did you do that usain bolt could have done it could do it at the beginning of a race you think gingerbread is going to be the next big bread you know how we had brioche and that was the big bread for a while before that i feel like it was panini i feel like gingerbread could be due for its time in the sun and you'll be able to go to a burger joint and instead it'll be a it'll be a gingerbread bun i love that so much yeah be that hard beautiful not beautiful and fluffy but hard hard beautiful and not fluffy harder than the meat yeah exactly yeah but then you could make it's gonna be an exciting

the meat will come as such a relief after battling through. Oh, absolutely. But also, the hen, for people who like the natural order of things... Yeah, oh, yeah. ...make an even harder meat. Yeah. Like a really dense meat. That's going to be great.

Yeah. All right, I'm just going to write our fourth idea, by the way. We're already up to four. Listen, I mean, if we maintain this pace, we'll be out of here by tomorrow. One one-hundredth. That is actually quite a good way to look at it. Or bad way, depending on how you look at it. Gingerbreads, time in the sun.

The sun. You know, I mean, witches. Everybody will dress up as witches During that time There'll be all these witch themed It'll be a big witch thing The witch look is probably due a comeback The witch look is all the crooked nose

I wish big warts could come back in Yeah, I mean, what were they? Not necessarily a sign of wisdom. But like... That would be great if we were able to start looking at... Warts as a sign of wisdom. I mean, but what were they? So you've got the old woman who lives in the woods who knows all the eldritch powers.

Who crooked knows. Crooked knows. And eldritch powers. Who crooked knows. Who crooked knows. And a wart. Yes. All of the wisdom. Knows with a K. But she has the warts. And I wondered, not wisdom, but like...

It's like street knowledge, but for the woods. Yeah, woods knowledge. Woods knowledge, like wood path knowledge. Path, tracks, animal, trail. Oh, that's going more to like a tracker or something like that. Sure, sure. Maybe a hunter. Yeah.

Probably have that. Yeah, but I think a witch with street knowledge is exciting to me. She's a... Streetwise's a streetwise witch. Streetwise witch. She's still a bush witch. Bush witch. Or he. Or he.

Thank you. Is this anything? I think we've got to write it down, Alistair. I don't think we're going to. You're not looking at your page yet. It could not be anything. I know, but just tell me one thing that she does. Tell me one thing. Okay, well, look. I mean, I don't think we're gonna you're not looking at your page yet not be anything i know but just tell me like one thing that she does tell me one thing okay well look i mean i don't

know i don't know if this is it but like maybe in order for it to be a streetwise which there needs to be what about this right what about this yeah it's witch street okay and it's it's it's which sesame street no nowadays witches are no longer able to live in the woods because there aren't woods. They've lost their habitat to deforestation. Yes. So now you have entire... Palm oil.

Because of palm oil. You ever see a tropical forest witch? Yeah. Oh, I'm writing that down too. Tropical witch! She's got shorts on. She's more of a rainforest witch. Well, because of the biodiversity,

there are actually witches that occupy every niche in the ecosystem. There are tiny witches that scuttle through the undergrowth, eating decaying leaf matter. And then there are big, strong witches that swing through the canopy. Oh, and the biggest witches of all swim through our oceans. We had to stop hunting them. The Icelandics still like to eat the occasional. It's cultural.

So it's okay. Not rich, but witch. What were you going to say about witch street? Oh, that there is a witch street. That now there's a whole lot of, you know i guess gingerbread condominiums high-rise gingerbread accommodation like little like little italy like little italy like little italy we got we got chinatown yeah yeah which street got the witch street i don't think we witch district the witch street which street i think is great i don't't think any culture has gotten their own street yet.

Like, we've got... What are you talking about? No, like, no culture has ever had their own street. That's insane. Don't anybody look this up. What about this microscopic Italy? Okay. You like little Italy?

Oh, microscopic. This Italy. This is a tiny Italy What about this Gallipoli Little Italy Gallipoli What about this

Little Gallipoli Gallipoli It's the Gallipoli district Yeah Of town Yeah Yeah And

And Oh I don't know Wait wait Did I fuck up your microscopic italy do you want me i mean do you want to write down microscopic italy i know but what would what would it be yeah what would it be that's a great point i mean when you when you think about i need that one or they should invent a vertical pizza there should be small, there should be a bite-sized district for bite-sized foods. There you go. Snack Italy.

You can go and get a tiny little pizza pocket. Microscopic Italy. Yes. For microscopic, it's like, you know, it's the food. No, no, not the food. Yes.

What's microscopic? Like what? So that the food is bite-sized, what of Italian people would have to be microscopic? Like what? So that the food is bite-sized, what of Italian people would have to be microscopic? Their fingers? Microscopic Italian finger district. And so then the pizzas. So let's say you...

Finger food. Tweezers. You just have to be able to fit it under a microscope. I think that's all it means. We just need a bigger microscope. We can make big microscopes. Make big microscopes. Everything can stay the same size. We'll just need a bigger microscope. We can make big microscopes. Make big microscopes. Look, we can name it.

Everything can stay the same size. We'll just make a huge microscope. Then everything can be microscopic. We'll name it in the big microscope district. There you go. Yes. So little, microscopic Italy is part of, is within, is landlocked within the boundaries of the giant microscope district.

Right. Right. It's actually a regular-sized little Italy. Listen to my idea, Alistair. Vertical pizza, okay? And this is going to use that vertical garden technology. Have you ever been to one of those, you know, one of those businesses in the... That was a gang sign.

It's one of Alistair's gang signs he's not doing uh anyway um have you ever been to one of those uh fancy new office buildings okay you're going to the foyer and it's all about green greenery okay cleansing the air etc and they've got a vertical garden there up a wall that's right why can't we use that technology to make a vertical pizza that you can cook in the toaster right and what it would have to be is you make the pizza base and it's got a whole built into the pizza base there's a whole lot of little pockets vertical pockets well sort of but but i'm not i'm not suggesting that idea whole little little vertical pockets like they put the plants in oh yeah the vertical garden. Okay, so you stuff the toppings into there.

Okay, they don't fall down. You can still slot it into the... It's like a little scooped... It's like a little parabola? It's like a little parabola. I like... What if it's like a toaster? And it's like a...

It's like a toaster like this. And on one side, there's a cork board. No, no, no. There's like a reverse cork board, which is just a bunch of needles. Yeah. I's a cork board. No, no, no. There's like a reverse cork board, which is just a bunch of needles. Yeah. I like a cork board. You pin the pizza to the cork board.

And then it's an edible cork. Which is a type of edible wood. We're back, baby. We're back. Woo! All right. I'm just going to write vertical pizza. Is that okay with you?

Yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course. I mean, is it okay with me, Alistair? Look who you're talking to. Me. All right, all right. All right, what about this?

Crabs. Oh, yeah. Okay, how about this? Yeah, okay. You know how hair transplants, okay? You get bits of the hair taken from the back of your head. That's right. And they always put them at the front of your head.

And I think that's unimaginative. Yeah. Because once we have the technology to take hair follicles from the hair-rich regions at the back of the head, the fertile, verdant fields. Verdant. I never realized that it's got the word green in it

in French in French god damn it's beautiful it's been right there screaming you in the face this entire time verd I think it's probably

V-E-R-T in French but great what were you going to say you're going to move it to other French people

would really love a vertical garden then, wouldn't they? Because it's vertical, but it's also got... Oh, yes, and they'd be going, oh, yes, a green... Green garden. Green-lickle. A green...

Greenicle. Greenicle garden. But why not get a strip of hair follicles, okay, just below your navel all the way around your body, and you can grow your own, like like grass skirt, Tahitian style. Oh, that's really... To cover your genitalia. I thought you were going to say keep the snail trail going all the way up.

No. And then up and through the middle of the face. And then you could do that thing where you're half woman, half man, and you're doing that dance. You know what they'd call that? They'd call that the snail Kokoda trail. Because it's such a long path. Such a long path and it goes up and over the top wait i'm gonna write down yours first because i think yours is an actual now the the one the one risk with the snail kokoda trail is that it entails something's entailed by the snail

kokoda trail oh yeah of course is is that you will also have to have a a hitler mustache and well um you know if it goes all the way up here and through here and up there that's true oh my god it's an infinite contained it's an infinite it's an infinite hitler mustache oh and that's that's when the the the kokoda Trail gets cancelled. Yeah, that was what did it. It was fine up until then. Everybody loved it. Everybody loves the new Kokoda Snail Trail. This will be the new milkshake duck.

Everybody loves the new Kokoda Snail Trail. The hottest trend in body hair. Hot to a week later. All these celebrities. Same news report. Trouble for the Kok of Trisnial trial. People start to interpret it as an infinite Hitler moustache. Beloved, until somebody points out.

It contains infinite Hitler. That's not good, is it? I mean, maybe. Because then suddenly there's too much. Too much Hitler. And then Hitler's ideas would be to now eradicate the Hitlers. I mean, you want to think, you want to believe. You wouldn't even be able to be like, oh, let's get more land for our people.

He's taking up all the land. You think this would be a good speculative fiction? It would be a force for good. But do you think this would be a good speculative fiction. It could be a force for good. But do you think this would be a good speculative fiction? Almost in the way in which alternative history wise, you know, Quentin Tarantino played fast and loose with the Hitler situation in the Hitler situation. That's what I'm calling it. Yep. In, in Glorious Bastards. What about this? It's an alternative history in which instead of you know how at the end of the war the um the allies picked up all the uh the nazi um rocket scientists in operation paperclip recently covered on an episode of do go on this is cross promotion this is great content this is

good for the network oh my god this is great for the network we're not part of we should say we're not part of. We should say we're filming this at Stupid Old Studios. This entire setup. Is all done by Evan and Beck of Stupid Old Studios. Making this possible. Yeah. We can't believe it. Everybody does it for nothing. This drawing, this beautiful artwork. Look at this.

Ellie Squire. Ellie Durkin. Ellie Durkin. Ellie Durkin. Pickle Durkin. Yeah, Pickle Durkin. Ellie Squire. That's a completely different person. That's okay. I mean, it's great to- Ellie Squire Ellie Durkin Ellie Durkin Ellie Durkin Pickle Durkin Yeah Pickle Durkin Ellie Squire That's a completely

different person That's okay I mean it's great to Ellie Squire I was just using Let's promote some of Ellie Squire's sort of you know

like clowny musical comedy dancing and physical circus kind of stuff Exactly While we're at it but then also check out Pickle Durkin

on Instagram and you can buy some of her cool little comics and books and things like that. And check out Evan and Beck somewhere and buy some of their stuff. Exactly. So what about this? Maybe at a garage sale. No, Beck makes things. She has a shop.

You can buy things from Beck online. Beck portrayed us. All right. Okay, so the Allies during World War II, they decided that in order to win the war, they need to have their own Hitler. Okay, so they get some Hitler DNA somehow and they clone a Hitler and then there's an ally Hitler. They let him lead. They let him lead their armies.

But then, but like it's a cautionary tale because you think it's all going to be great having your own Hitler. But then he teams up with the other Hitler. Oh, damn. Their values are actually more aligned. That's great. I mean, that's great. I like that. And they're fighting double Hitler.

An alternative ending is that then the Germans realize they're going to need to clone a bigger Hitler. Oh, no. And then they get in a Hitler race. Yeah. And, of course, it gets to the end of the war. The Allies do win. No, yeah. Well, maybe the Hitlers don't team up course it gets to the end of the war. The Allies do win. No, yeah, well, maybe the Hitlers don't team up. It gets to the end of the war.

I mean, it'd be like the third gigantic thing. The bad German Hitler is dead, okay? And then, you know, you think that now they'll get rid of the ally Hitler because they don't need him anymore. But you know what those guys are like in the military, the Hitler industrial complex. They just want to go on getting more and more Hitlers in bunkers all over the world. Right, yeah, and some of the Americans are asking people in Kosovo,

can we have a base? Yeah, can we put some Hitlers here? Can we start a Hitler farm? And Russia's like, I'm not going to let, you can't put Hitlers near our border. We're put hitlers in cuba okay and then i i guess i guess maybe in this world they're also launching the hitlers out of big catapults out of international intercontinental ballistic hitlers all right i'm just to write intercontinental ballistic Hitlers as the 13th idea, Andy. It means that we're one.

I actually almost don't want to think about it, Alistair, because I feel like if I do that, I'm going to get really depressed somewhere in the middle. Yeah, sure. And I think that might happen anyway. And I think that might happen anyway. I'm just letting you know that sometimes I'm going to have to give coded numbers out loud in order to alert people who are updating the sketch count. The sketch count there, which is on screen. Because they don't get access to the pad. I mean, obviously in an ideal world, I'd have an electronic pad

and they could see every sketch along the way and feel happy. Instead, we've just got this set up. This wonderful set up where people like Jason and Brian are updating this, again, for nothing, just out of the joy or somehow feel pressured from us. Could be either, could be either. What is joy but the relieving of guilt? That's right.

It's the pressure to do something because, I mean, you know, because the pressure of not wanting to feel like your life is... Yeah, when you feel less guilt, that's relatively speaking. This is like, you know, the grand unified theory of everything. You know my theory that the only feeling that I experience is guilt in different proportions. Like guilt for joy. Yeah. Sort of a more sorrowful guilt for maybe sorrow.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, science is always trying to find, you know, to unify the great forces of the universe, right? You unify electromagnetism with quantum electrogravity or whatever it is that they want. Quantum electrogravity. Oh, so it's all the same force in the end. Yeah, maybe.

They're all just manifestations of one force and maybe if you look back far enough in time, in the instance after the Big Bang, before they all started their solo projects and manifested in different ways pulling on different things yeah um i'm gonna do that with emotion and i'm gonna do my grand unified theory of emotion which i think might make even more sense but it all all emotions are just different manifestations of guilt it starts with the burden of guilt of I can't believe I'm doing this to my mother. Sorry about this.

Sorry that you're having to go through this. The feeling after I'm born that suddenly you've lost your identity and that kind of thing. I think it happens to a lot of moms. And in my ideal future, when this theory has been universally accepted in the population, you'll look at a smiling baby and you'll look at him and you'll say oh he's feeling so little guilt that's right look at his beautiful smile and someone will say i'm sorry that that's not so little guilt that's

just gas he's actually still feeling a lot of guilt um and that kind of stuff okay unified theory of that's that's that those people are great and that should that stuff. Okay, unified theory of guilt. Those people are great. And that's such an important service, the people who tell you that babies aren't really feeling joy, right? That they're not really smiling. The thing that makes you the happiest, you know, in this dark time, this difficult time when you've got a new baby and you're not getting any sleep, the people who tell you that the baby smiles,

that the ray of light in your dark life are not real, are doing such an important service. It should be a function provided by the government. They should be a crack team of people who maybe go door to door knocking, as well as the maternal child health nurse who checks the length of the baby, there should be a maternal child reality check. Somebody who comes in and does it for a fee. Oh, wow.

For a fee. Fee for service. That's right. And then they could maybe even tell you that other things that the baby does. When the baby rolls over, they say, actually, the baby's not rolling over. In a rotational reference frame, the baby's not rolling over at all. It's everything else that's rolling over. It's crazy to compliment the baby for rolling over

when from his point of view, nothing's changed. He's still looking out the same direction. Yes. Out the front. Actually. There are no fixed places in the universe. Do you think this is what they'd say? There's no fixed point in the universe. So you think this is what they'd say? There's no fixed point in the universe,

so you can't say whether or not the baby's rolled over. So you can't congratulate him for that. Now, this might not be almost anything, but is there some way in which the gas that makes babies smile when they're young, you could get a gas cloud of that baby smile gas? I reckon you should be closer to the microphone. I think Evan was just saying before that this was completely fine. But he didn't look happy when he said it.

He said, I guess that'd be fine when I was like back here. People let us know if we can currently sort of see the chat, but I'm not looking at it because we have 400 sketch ideas to come up with. But let us know if when I'm here, if it's not loud enough, if you feel like, hello from Texas. I mean, I'm not. It's fine.

Great. I love that. You're undermining me. That's okay. If there was a gas, if all this gas was in space somehow, all the baby smile gas. Yeah.

And then it collapsed eventually and created like a baby baby a baby smile sun you know uh i don't know if the gas is different to hydrogen but they have that i don't know if they've looked into this i don't know i mean it'd be amazing if it's an entirely new form of gas it's like a sun made entirely out of methane it's just like methane sun from my bum smile my baby away yeah yeah great um well i mean methane sun is almost nothing is it it's not a sketch idea methane sun i mean or but but even the smiling sun god smiling sun smiling sun you want a smiling, I mean, that's the fucking baby sun in goddamn Teletubbies. Do you think it's a methane sun?

I think it could be. It's got a baby's face on it, right? That's right. Made from pure baby joy. Hey, do we have our first guest? Is that what's happening? Oh, my gosh. Do we have a first guest arriving?

Wait. From... Yeah, yeah, sure. I mean, I don't want to appear too desperate. You seem to be going very well so far. Yeah. I mean, we've got to pace ourselves. No, we don't.

No, we don't. No, we don't. Did you write down running scissors? Because my thing I was most excited about was having usain bolt as the the guy in the ad like that's number three printing with scissors i think it would be such a great thing to see i think to have him finish the race as he's crossing the line he's doing this yeah ah through cuts the cuts the ribbon yeah and it could be what happened to that ribbon wait did they ever have it in athletics maybe they still have it in athletics? Maybe they still have it in marathons. You got to run a

certain... I don't think the ribbon would work in the 100 meter sprint. I mean, it'd be great. Because I mean, I guess if a marathon gets a ribbon this thick, then I think that maybe the, you know, like the 100 meter sprint gets like a thread. I think that would be dangerous. Yeah. I mean, but it's breakable. Oh, it's breakable. It's not like dental floss or something like that. I think dental floss is probably breakable. You can't break it. Really? Yeah. You only cut it. That's why they need the scissors.

Oh, of course. If they don't have it... Hi, Evan. How are you? Hi. I'm good. I'm good. This is Evan Munro-Smith who made all of this possible You're going so well so far 16

Thank you Maybe I'll go sit over there with Alistair now So it feels like we're on the same team What's wrong with you? We are on 16 That's right

That's great You guys just sort of rock up and you just I mean we were doing it in the car actually on the way here Were you really? Yeah yeah

We were actually like... You can't legally count those, though, can you? I don't think we can legally have that. But if later on they come to us, well, because I've already forgotten what they all were. I've forgotten them as well. Oh, no, here's one that I liked, and we are going to count it. Because we went to McDonald's and I asked for no bacon. Was it no bacon?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go. This is a good one. You're going to like this, folks. Yeah, we're going to... For the egg McMuffin, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, here we go. This is a good one. You're going to like this, folks. Yeah, we're going to, for the egg McMuffin, the sausage McMuffin. Yeah.

And then so I said, you know, I don't know if they put the bacon in and then take it out. You know? What? I asked for no bacon in mine. Bacon, it's because on the order. So it's bacon and sausage. You call it bacon sausage muffin, but it's bacon.

Sausage and egg. You say it's sausage? There's a sausage and egg, and then there's also a bacon and sausage. You call it bacon sausage muffin, but it's bacon. Sausage and egg. You say it's sausage? There's a sausage and egg, and then there's also a bacon and egg. Yeah. And so then it said bacon and egg, but then it said bacon retracted. Yeah, subtract the bacon. Subtracted. Okay.

So we were wondering, do they put the bacon in first and then take it out? Because you can't subtract the bacon. first and then take it out. Because you can't subtract the bacon. My idea was that there's a guy in the McDonald's kitchen. Do they even call it a kitchen? Sure. What do you think? Do you think we'd call it the factory?

I mean, in a way. It doesn't feel kitchen-y to me. It feels too industrial. Nobody's saying, get out of my way. Do you think that's what makes it a kitchen? I think so. I'm probably saying, get out of my way. Do you think that's what makes it a kitchen? I think so. I'm probably saying, get out of my kitchen. I think probably people are saying that.

Yeah, they probably are saying that. What's the guy doing in the kitchen? He's the great subtractor. He walks around with a stick. And if somebody's ordered no bacon, as the person's going to put the bacon in there, he smashes their hand away with the stick. But I think they have to put it in, then he pulls it out.

Alistair's important detail was that he wears a cape. Yeah, he wears a cape and a top hat. And his stick, it's a long walking stick with a silver top, and it's got Ronald McDonald's face in silver. Yeah, and I love that that's one of those things that's emerged through years of tradition. Like the guy who opens the first day of parliament by banging on the doors of parliament with a big sort of scepter thing. You can't get rid of it.

They've tried taking away this guy and they've tried for the purposes of commercialising and streamlining things. They've tried taking away his top hat, but it doesn't work. For whatever reason. He can't pull the things out anymore. The whole system falls apart. streamlining things they've tried taking away his top hat but it doesn't work for some for whatever reason i can't pull the things out anymore the whole system falls apart okay before we started streaming you asked me for tape so that you could tape up the mcdonald's i know yeah on the coffee cups you brought it up so many times yeah yeah i mean i just wanted to use up some of your tape okay sorry i literally just bought that tape. It's part of our tape scam.

This is new tape? You're saying this is new tape? This is brand new tape. Oh, that's great. Never been used. Do you love that new tape smell? It is good, actually. Do you crack it open and then you smell what it smells like in the factory?

I don't, but no. The first sniff. Oh, the first sniff. Because that's what I discovered with packets of cheese right is that i used to work in a cheese factory and that the cheese factory had a particular smell and then i realized that smell was cheesy it wasn't it's a weirder smell but you can discover it if you when you crack open a kilo block if you go you breathe in that air that's in there that's that factory smell okay cheese factory smell and when you do that i imagine you snip just a little corner of the packet and you shove it up your nose and you really inhale it alice and i get do you research

some temps perdu yeah i do research some times perdu this is andy speaking french yeah oh it's from Tim's Perdue. This is Andy speaking French. Yeah. Oh. It's a reference to Proust's A La Recherche du Temps. Okay. Tim's Perdue. Du Temps perdu. Okay. How are you, Evan? I'm tired.

Yeah, I'm sorry for making you get up this early. I was here setting up. We left about 2 a.m. Oh, no. Well, I went up at 4.15am. Oh no. Anyway, so a bit slow, but that's okay.

Maybe it helps. So I was brushing my teeth this morning and I had a thought, right? Okay. Was this the brushing your teeth this morning when you went to bed at 2am? Or was this the brushing your teeth this morning when you got up at 4.15? Count. And before you continue, you know how brushing your teeth with the left hand is supposed to be very good for your brain? Nobody's told me this.

They're keeping this from me. Well, they're not. I don't know what my brain could be doing. You're keeping your brain bad for your teeth. You just... Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, you're constantly chipping your teeth because you're like you get the wrong thing with that but it's great for your brain okay there could there and be another limb that you could use to brush your teeth that would be good for like your spleen or your liver

like actually if you sort of this is a new form of like um chiropractic or whatever you know they think they can solve everything by cracking your neck we think we can solve everything by brushing your teeth with different parts of your body. Toothbrushing-based. Alternative medicine. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry, Evan, you were saying? Yeah, I was brushing my teeth, and the idea I had was a cake shop called Is It Cake? Mm. And so you- There's always yes. Well, no. No no no i mean you don't know until you're at the birthday party whether or not you've got a cake that would be like an actual bowling ball or something or and then it's really good they could even make some of them that look like they

all look like cakes or potentially and some of them are bowling yeah they're like they're actually you're trying to cut into it and it's made out of bowling ball material. Interesting. Okay, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, you've got to go and then you get a ticket to the bowling alley. You've got to roll this cake down the thing. Okay.

That's really good. You still get a gift. You get a gift. What about it's a bowling alley called, is it a bowling ball? You go along. All the bowling balls look like bowling balls. You put your fingers into them.

You roll them down. You don't know until it hits the Skittles at the end. It's a bowling ball. It would actually be cake. Pick it up. Yeah, it's really heavy and hard. Solid like a chocolate. Yeah, that's right.

It's interesting you say bowling ball material because I've got no idea what they're made of. What is it? Resin. Resin. Surely it's just like a resin. Oh, that makes too much sense. It's interesting you say bowling ball material because I've got no idea what they're made of. What is it? Resin. Surely it's just like a resin. Oh, that makes too much sense. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like it almost seems like. I don't know what resin is. Oh, okay. Yeah, great. Oh, thank God. Now we're back. All right.

New show. Is it resin? What is it? Is it resin? Yeah. Is resin kind of like, it's somewhere, because it's somewhere between plastic and like, what is it, like concrete somewhere? Yeah. It's just like clear.

It releases a lot of heat when it sets. Yeah, right. When it becomes solid, it releases heat. Could you cook it? I don't think you could. No, it can catch fire. It's so much heat, you could probably cook something on it. That would be a great new kind of stove. Well, that's right. It's so much heat. You could probably cook something on it. That would be a great new kind of stove.

Well, that's right. It's induction cooking. But it would be a factory, like a resin factory during the day. Yeah. And they're pouring all these kind of toxic chemicals and stuff like that. And at night, they just put a hot plate on top of all the setting stuff. While they're setting. Like that.

And then they cook things like that. It's a restaurant at nighttime. Right. Maybe they don't even know this is happening, right? But there's this subculture of people who have these sort of pop-up stores. They break into resin factories overnight and they cook up their sort of resin food. Okay, wait. Yep.

Resin factory restaurant. Breaking in. Now, this is a disgusting idea, Alistair. Yep. And I'm sorry you have to be here for this evan but i was thinking that the act of ejaculation is is sort of like a sneeze right and i think it should be used the same technology as sneezing right i think the ejaculate should be pushed out by a big sneezy blast of air oh okay and you should do a sort of a it should beulate should be pushed out by a big sneezy blast of air. Oh, okay. And you should do a sort of a... It should be the downstairs sneeze.

Right. That's what they should call ejaculating? That's what they should call it, right. And it should be the same sort of thing. Okay. It comes out like that. Wait. But then I think also...

It comes out more in a splash it it comes out with with the with the the force and the air projection thing of a sneeze right and then i think if you watch it masturbate this is for men or women it should be like doing a bushman's blow right you know where you block one nostril and you you blow it out like that yeah right and then it becomes and then you so you get the ball downstairs as you use it uh as you're wiping it away or you wipe those people who you know those people who like either do this and then wipe it on the grass or something like that or the people who do block one nostril and then just blow it out like that yeah yeah could you block half half the urethra yeah they might just go like that like that and so you can just do it into a bush or something exactly yeah on the go that's a more efficient

uh the downstairs sneeze but then i also like the idea that once this happens and i don't know if this is just this is yeah what people refer to as the happening. The happening, yeah. You know, when 15 years ago it happened, and they're referring to when suddenly ejaculations became sneezes. Became sneezes. Oh, that's great. So this is like in those things like children of men, right?

Suddenly all men are in front of the world. Whatever, something like that. like children of men, right? We're suddenly all men from the world or whatever, something like that. Suddenly all orgasmic ejections are sneezes. That's right. So I'm going to go just post.

Look at how the world changes. You're posting a photo of the pad? Of the pad on the Two in the Think Tank Instagram. Oh, great. You know, just so that I'm keeping up to date, you know. Page one. Okay. I think... Yeah, but then the one other thought I had for that

was just that ear, nose and throat doctors then also become ear, nose and throat and penis. Yeah, good. And woman urethra. Yeah. ENTPU. Eh? And then we can just start calling them ENTPU.

ENTPU. ENTPU.T-P-U. Eh? And then we can just start calling them. E-N-T-P-U. E-N-T-P-U. That's my personality type. And we can start calling them holy men. Ah, that's right. Well, I mean, that's a. Because they just look at your holes. No, it's because throat's not really. I mean, I know it is just a hole, but it's not.

It should be ear, nose, mouth. Right. Pore. Pore. Yeah. Erythra, anal, anus, vagina. Yeah, good. Thank you. And wound, doctor. Wound. That's right.

And that will call them. Now say your line. Interpidwab. No, no, no. Holy. Oh, holy men. Holy men. Well, holy people.

Yeah. Holy people. Great. Perfect. Thank you. Let's not make a mistake early. I feel like as soon as I start speaking, all the energy leaves the room. Just because I'm not capable of communicating. I can talk over the top of people, fine. But it's when I have to try and factor in what they're saying have we given the door code to our next guest for just so that I know

because I might need to are you going to do that yeah I'll do it right now no you were about to say something do not let me interrupt was I you just did this which was a hand motion for being about to say something. No.

It's okay. You clearly didn't have anything prepared. And that's completely fine. Now, Andy mentioned... Oh, you're about to say something this time? I think I do that when I'm listening. This is my active listening. This is your active listening. No, it should be this. Fill me up. Yeah, you should be bringing it in. Yeah. I think you also open your mouth, and then you look excited, but you're trying to look

excited at something I'm about to say. I guess I see now, because I was offering it to you as you were doing it. Is that genuinely your natural reaction? I don't know. You open up, you send it towards somebody else like this. I'm so far out of it. I know. What about reverse body language?

This is a guy, he's got reverse body language. Okay. When he doesn't know something, his shoulders are up. Yeah. All the time. He's shrugging when he's the most confident. Okay. Right?

Right. When you say, what do you want to have for dinner i don't know that's right and then when he's about to when he's about to um to say something he cups his ear like this and then he goes let me just tell you something now Now. Oh, wait. Now. Let me just say. No. Yeah, and then he says, what? What was that? Speak up.

No, wait. Wait. Speak up. And then he cups his mouth for anybody listening to this podcast and not watching it. Yes. We've got to remember, we're not always a visual medium. Not always. It feels like it.

I think of Two in the Think Tank as a very visual podcast. I don't. No? I mean, it's visual in the mind. That's where we create the images. Yes. I wonder if it's more visual in podcast form because you don't have something to look at

and so you can imagine the sketches that come to life. Whereas now people have to look at us. Absolutely, that's right. Because normally in life, you're blocking out life. You're like, I'm listening to a podcast because I'm doing something that I don't even want. I don't want to be enjoying. I'm having to do the dishes

or I'm having to do some unpleasant part of life. You know, 75% of life. Taking the garbage bags, the two meters to the bin outside. Exercise, you know, work. It's escapism. Helping my children go to sleep. So you're trying to block life and then you're creating the images here. But now by making this a visual medium, we're taking, first of of all people can't even do the tasks that they need to get done so now they're they're piling up somewhere

garbage bags are going on undelivered and yeah um oh what about this it's a garbage delivery service oh okay it's like a reverse garbage man yes like you're does he have reverse body language this guy garbage man's here yeah and and but because that's a really good idea i love it we should we should let's fill up a couple with just like the opposite of things reverse um reverse fisherman right uh he's uh who comes and he brings fish from and he throws them into the water. It's actually a really good idea. See, we say it as a joke, but it's actually a really good joke.

Does he have to invent a new kind of hook so he can really throw the fish in? What's the opposite of that? The fish doesn't want to get out of the car. Oh, this guy's a fighter. Come here. Let's leave him out. Oh, I didn't take the seatbelt off. Oh, no. Oh, he's still this guy's a fighter come here i didn't take the seat belt off oh he's still a bit of a fighter but he's you know he's actually uh oh the seat belt he's strapped

in there with with fishing line that's right hooks into every part of his body he's got a four point harness i mean i like to picture a you know because if you're talking about a reverse there's like a there's just a mold that's like the shape you know has the negative space of a hook inside of it and you can just cram a fish in there the fish is like so the fish is in the hook yeah that's how the hook is in the fish yeah yeah so now the fish is in the hook the fish kind of almost becomes them yeah like that and that's how you can secure safely a fish in a car it's one of the only ways that you can do it like that and you strap how you can secure safely a fish in a car it's one of the only ways that you can do it like that and you strap the box with the thing in there uh in there like that

and so that way and then when you take it out and you're like this box won't open oh he's a father but he's probably more referring to the box um are you waving to people waving to my beloved oh hi indies beloved and maybe if my family's also watching but um uh i was thinking yes while when you're fishing right you've what what have you got you've got it you've got a rod yeah i've got a i was thinking about the word cast right yes we use casting for for podcasts yes broadcast but we also use it for fishing and i was thinking about if you are catching a fish you've got that you've got that that um that fishing line that taut wire goes from from you down to the fish's head maybe you could use it to communicate with the fish.

Oh, like one of those telephone things. Like a telephone. Like a tin can string. If instead of a rod, you had a tin can. A tin can. And you go, I can finally speak with you. Because he's pulling it. Yeah, exactly.

Now we can speak, finally. Because it's hooked right into his jaw. The vibrations, like one of those cartilage those bone yeah bone conduction bone conduction that's right so then what a great phrase by the way bone conduction yeah it sounds cooler than it probably is it is cool though it's cool it's cool maybe it sounds exactly as it is feels like something that might give you cancer i mean i don't know why cast rod cast all right very good that's very good it can might give you cancer. I mean, I don't know why. Rodcast. All right, very good.

That's very good. Rodcast. It can't give you cancer because it's literally just vibrations. All sound. Yeah, well, that's what they say. But I think vibrations are probably they give you cancer. Be good when somebody listens to your podcast, if you can feel it tug on something.

When they're really interested. When you've got them hooked with an interesting topic. Oh, that's it. We've got them like that. And you could sort of bring them closer to you. Like that. A more of a closer relationship if you wanted to. Yes.

I think it's what you do metaphorically though, right? What about... I'm doing it literally. Yeah. I want to actually... I want to be able to just physically pull them towards... Somehow we've got to be able to get a... I'm sure there are like video game controls.

Evan, you're a gaming guy. Are there video game controls for like fishing games? Because there are fishing games. Are there ones that look like a fishing rod? Yeah. And that have like rumble packs and stuff? I don't know if they do rumble, but yeah, ones where you do this. They don't rumble?

They don't tug? They must tug. They gotta tug. Yeah. I'm not sure, but maybe. Yeah. And so you want that, but then you want that sort of built into your microphone, okay? So that you hold your microphone here, here, somehow like a rod,

and you can feel the engagement of the listener. That's right. I think that if it had a, like, I mean, this could work for the fishing games as well, but if it had a little spool there like that and it was anchored to the ground and it wasn't, like, depending on how, let's say it was the fishing game first and then we can figure out, okay,

it starts pulling you towards the ground like this. If you're a small child you probably just get slammed to the ground if you get a marlin or something like that. And when somebody switches off your podcast the line goes slack. Oh, the sadness. You only need one listener. You only have one listener at a time I imagine.

Or maybe you have, it's an aggregate of your entire audience numbers. Maybe this would be good for people working in radio because they might have real time Or maybe you have It's an aggregate Of your entire audience Some Your audience numbers Yep Maybe this would be good For people working in radio Because they might have Real time

You know Ratings Yeah I mean we have Real time ratings Oh wow I have no idea what it is Yeah

Having a real time right now Real time Real Fishing reel You know what would be great With this as well The Would be the thing that

If you do have like You're like oh yeah i got a big audience member and you're like oh he's fast do you like that and then you find out that you're actually you just had a big like a big log yeah like a snot a snag yeah you got some seaweed hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Somebody had just, like, went for a run. Oh, they left. And hung their, like, headphones on a tree.

On a log, on a big log. And then you're like, oh, it's the big listener. They should give listener statistics and audience statistics for TV and radio, they should give that in kilograms. Yes, that's right. Instead of in the number of people, it should be the mass. That's right. What quantity, what volume of listening?

No volume. How many litres? How many megalitres? How many? Megalitres of blood are hearing my voice right now. Oh, I'd love that. I'd love to know that. Look, your figures aren't huge, but the people who are listening have all got a lot of blood.

And that's great. The advertisers love that. You've got some of the bloodiest, the most blood-filled. Yeah. How does that even work? I mean the most Like I just picture people who are like They're thin people But they have like three to four times as much blood So they're kind of like puffy and sloshing around

And is their skin Why? I don't think they'd be sloshing around These are extra blood people Yeah Why? It's a cool new trend It's a new trend instead of bodybuilders.

They're bloody builders. Yeah. Okay? Where does it all go? Well, they have a lot of their blood taken out, right? Their body replenishes the blood, and then doing that thing like footballers, they get it injected back in before a big game. Under the skin.

They just keep doing it again and again and again. Yeah, they do. Have their blood taken out and re-injected? I don't know if they actually do. I have heard this. Have you heard this? You heard this? I have not heard it, but I think it's a great idea. And I would love to get some kind of

intravenous thing right before I do a big sport. Great thing to see. If I am right about this, and this is a thing that people do where they're sort of blood doping, they get themselves some extra blood. It'd be great to see somebody on the footy field who's done it too much and they go out there and they're basically just a big bag of blood somebody

tackles them and they just explode like a mosquito like that and then oh my god i mean there must be diminishing returns at the point at which you're a big bloated bag of blood i don't think you're getting the benefits of having that extra you know those extra red blood red blood cells. You get a bit of padding, though. You get a bit of extra padding. But then there'd be that thing where there's a big stain of them on the field that you can never clean off. And then you're like, ooh, I better clean it off before the next renter comes into this field.

Rich people do that, right? With young people's blood. Is that a thing? I have seen this. I have seen that. This one guy. Is it one guy? Is it? I have seen this. I have seen that. This one guy. Is it one guy? Is it?

I mean, it might be more than TV. I mean, it depends how into QAnon you are. If you're really into QAnon, I think they're probably all doing it. Right. But if you're not and you just like things that happen, right, there is a guy in America who he was getting his son's blood injected into both him and his dad. Whoa. Yeah.

Yeah. He's trying to stop his aging process. Wow. But I did see a scientific paper of some sort that did say they found out that putting the blood of young people does somehow have a euthaning effect on your body. That shouldn't. They shouldn't have found that out. I don't like that they found that out.

So you're getting... If you're adding blood, surely you have to take some out. In reality, we can't be big bags of blood. Sure. Blood pressure is the thing, right? Do you have to take some out? Maybe you do. Yeah.

He could... I think they were putting his blood into his son. No. What? His son, always younger. Yeah, but it's got to go. You keep saying that, but then where does it go? Where does the old man's blood go?

I don't know. The headline I read, or possibly the little bit under the headline that I bothered to read as well, said that they thought, these guys, thought that there were benefits for all three of them from getting each other's blood, which isn't... Why would evolution make that... Well, you've heard of blood brothers. This is blood father and sons.

Yeah. Now they're connected by blood. Finally. That's a great thing for a father and son to do, to try and strengthen their bond By becoming blood brothers And they both cut their hand like this And they go put her there

Father And then they become blood brothers But blood father and son You know what I mean Like they're blood father and son already But then they become blood brothers And do you think that makes them closer Because I guess that makes them more genetically linked Because think it has because you're only half the dna of your dad normally and this

would increase every time they mix that blood you get a little increase in how close they are until one of them what about this you completely swap blood that'd be a nice thing to do with a friend you know like you and me like a freaky like a freaky friday leaky friday no that's but i think leaky bloody bloody i think just freaky flat friday but where it's just they wait bloody sunday all their dad's blood in their body it doesn't really they just feel weird um okay feel weird. I think this is our movie. It's called Bloody Sunday, right? We're going to get a lot of Irish people coming along thinking it's going to be about the troubles. But when they show up, it's not that.

It's a version of Freaky Friday, but where it's just the blood. I'm writing down two but the one of them is because before you said where does the old man's blood go and I like the idea that this becomes a regular practice but then suddenly we've got all these old men's blood and old woman's blood that has nowhere to go so they start just creating

a pond for them like a tailings dam from a mine but then all the old person's blood, there's a freak weather event and all the old person's blood leaks into the Amazon River. Oh, no. And all the fish start getting old.

Getting real old. Getting real crotchety. Yeah. Yeah. Fuddy duddies. A bunch of fuddy duddies. Fuddy. Fuddy duddy.

A fuddy duddy. Do they? A fluddy duddy. Thatuddies. Fuddy. Fuddy-duddy. A fuddy-duddy. Do they? A fluddy-duddy. That's what they would be called. Friday. Do they, if you, if you, this is a question, if you die, does your blood get donated? Is that like a blood bank? That's a really good question.

Seems like a waste not to, right? Yeah. They're always telling us. Drain me out. Hang me up. Because they're always telling us then drain me out hang me up and because they do drain they would drain the blood from somebody well yeah they hang you up at the at the they hang you up at the hospital and they let it all drip out of your they just cut off your toes they just cut off your toes like that and hoist you up like that and they're just like like they're changing the oil they They just lift off your toes. Yeah.

It probably would be more like changing the oil because you're more likely to be in a bed. More likely. More likely. They're more likely. They go under you on one of those little trolley things and they take out the sump plug in the middle of your back and they just let it all drain into half a plastic container. Then you should be able to just go into the hospital and they just somehow, they just put a hole here right into into your spine like that and then they just put a funnel and they just start tipping the blood in that way yeah like that and then you just kind of go oh there we go and you get dead hey you're dead and then you're dead oh because you know you're already i'm saying this is oh no i'm talking about

this is like the living version of you you know like oh no say you've died and then somebody else comes and gets filled up with your blood oh sorry right right the recipient yeah yeah the recipient i see i see unless they want to like refill you up they just wanted to weigh what your body felt like weight a little bloodless do you think there's a certain amount of energy in in blood like if you if you were really low on energy right you hadn't eaten enough or whatever and you had low energy and you got somebody else's blood put into your body. Do you think you'd have more energy for a while? Could this be an alternative to eating, right?

Where you go along to a petrol station, okay, and you use your plug in your back, and you fill yourself up with fresh, energized blood from the big blood tank. I guess it must carry some oxygen. It must carry something. Yeah, maybe you wouldn't even have to breathe. I mean, I think that maybe they should also at the,

you know how they always have like a little cafe in the hospital or whatever? Yeah. They should be able to do high protein stuff based on the bodies that are left over. You know, and just like make a blood shake for you. But they put like a, you know, like a, I don't know, like a chai powder in it or something like that. If you're a bodybuilder, you can go to the hospital, get a blood shake.

Drink the blood of the dead. I mean, I think that wouldn't be wrong. No. It's morally, it's right. It's essentially a transplant. It's stopping waste. If you tick the box on your driver's license that says I'm willing to give away.

They should be able to do anything. They should be able to do anything. You say, I want to give my body to science. I want to give my organs and anything left over you can take it to the cafe downstairs that's right because I want to

donate my body to science anything left over goes to sport like that like bodybuilding you don't think bodybuilding is a sport?

no I was confused where sport came from the bodybuilding okay what about this? I had a moment for a second where i thought that that was a thing that that people donate their bodies to sport um to the arts to uh yeah you should be able you should be able to donate it to any of the school subjects engineering home economics geography languages other than english do you think think that being buried is giving your body to geography?

Maybe geology. Yes. That makes more sense. How would you geography? Well, you're in the land. You let the geographers and the geologists fight over it. Yeah. Give me that body!

Give me that finger! Who wants it the most? That would be great. If the scientists want the body, you say, I want to give my body to science but i'd like it to be put in the middle of a room okay and all the scientists gather around the outside and they run in and grab what they can as quickly as possible sort of like a supermarket sweep right just cut me down the middle and open me up and they have to if they want any of the

bits they got to run in and scrabble around. Or maybe they take out all my organs and they put them in one of those big blowing things like they do with the money on those game shows. And the organs are all blowing around and the scientists are trying to grab at them. Like that and they catch it? As much as they can, yeah. And then they get to do research on it?

They can do research on it. That's the thing. Not in there. They don't have to do the research in there That's very unprofessional They have their They have their Not their stethoscope

The microscope around their neck Like this And they've got some petri dishes What do they call those What do they call those big blowing Blowing things I don't know That's never had a domestic application

That technology Just recently was It was like She wants to do that for her birthday Go to one of these It's like you're skydiving oh yeah sure

but that's not there's no money blowing up no you lose money by doing it I think we need to we need to wrap this guest I apologize

yeah no of course thank you so much for everything that you've done for us and for yourself it's a pleasure there's nowhere

I'd rather be that's so kind at home in bed uh oh yeah actually i mean if something goes wrong with everything that we're doing how can we can we contact you yes thanks do we just call triple zero and then consider emergency services can you get us in contact with evan ever send evan send evan straight away the stream is me I might be asleep okay no worries Evan Monroe Smith thank you so much for having me um what a thrill to be doing

this again how many we up to that's not too bad three yeah one two three four um don't don't just write the titles down at the end of the page or something so that you're not like counting every single page every time. I hate this. Bye, Evan. I am doing that. I just couldn't answer because I was counting at the time. Okay, all right. I'll see you later. Bye.

Thank you so much. We have another guest. We have another guest arriving. Please welcome Tosh Greenslade. Tosh Greenslade. Tosh Greenslade, everybody. Tosh, thank you so much. Thank you so much for doing this It's such an ungodly hour

Well it's not really It's like a normal You've got to pick a mic You've got to sit in between them It makes it in stereo doesn't it That's true I think that's how that works People want to hear like

Shit coming at them from both They do They do They absolutely do How are you? I'm good. Yeah? How's your new baby? Yeah, he didn't really sleep last night.

Oh, no. Does that mean that you didn't sleep last night as well? No, I slept on the couch, so that's fine. That's great. Because my wife is very angry at me. I don't have a wife. Children are bastards. You're not married, right? No.

God. Out of wedlock. Yeah. Yeah, well, I was as well. Really? So it's genetic. More of me. More of wedlock. Yeah, well, I was as well. Really? So it's genetic. More of me. More of the same.

Yeah, I was also born out of wedlock. And then I... Am I the only child of wedlock on this podcast? Well, my parents got married after I was... That doesn't count. That's wedlocking the door after the horse is... Wedlocking the door after the sperm has bolted. Bolted all the way into the egg.

Oh, no, the sperm's bolted. It's gotten out. Yeah. Oh, no. My one sperm. Who didn't shut the door? She had a little... A little door.

A little barn door. A barn door on the end. This is a new form of contraception. Yeah, she installed a small barn door. She had a little little door. A little barn door. This is a new form of contraception. The barn? A small barn door. A barn? I feel like I was picturing a saloon

door at first. A saloon? That wouldn't have any effect. I want it to go both ways. Yeah, yeah. His sperm can go in.

You're like, ah. There's all these feral sperms. Oh, no. But it is nice to imagine. I'm jizzing someone else's. There's a hurricane coming. Oh, no. It is nice to imagine. I'm kissing someone else's...

There's a hurricane coming. Quick, shut them up. Lock them up. That's you hammering the boards up onto the end of the urea. The sperm get out and then you're out there in the hurricane having to sort of herd them back into the penis. You've got like a little, like a woman's egg just going, go on, back around, back around.

And the egg's going, like just rolling around and just herding up all the sperm and bringing it back. If you had like a finite number of sperm, that was the amount that comes out in one ejaculation. Like 36. And so to get pregnant or to have multiple children, you to like to get pregnant or to have multiple children you have to get

all the leftovers back and put it back in like a nerf gun yeah sweeping as with nerf guns you're like oh I've lost some of the bullets

like sure they'll just turn up they're under the couch they're in between the cushions yeah and there'd be so much dust yeah yeah

and lint and stuff oh yeah yeah limited into the balls every teenage boy would be just like they would leave it i'd be like where's your sperm have you got it and you've worked today have you got your sperm put it back in don't leave it at school what do you think about this as an idea it's a movie pitch for you right it's like Sharknado. This might be really, we might be going to real problem areas for this. I'm out on a limb. But it's with sperm. It's Spermnado, right?

So instead of the tornado hits a, whatever, it's like a shark sanctuary or something. I don't know the plot. It's the ocean. And it's all sharks. It's that, but the sperm bank district. Or maybe some experimental sperm laboratory. Or a boys' school.

Or a boys' school. Like a boarding school. Yes. Now the sperm is everywhere. I feel like Tara Reid features regardless. Of course. But instead... As a millennial who grew up during the American Pie era, I feel like Tara Reid features.

I really hope she's okay. I don't know if you guys think about this. I do worry about Tara Reid sometimes. Yeah? Is that a thing? Do all guys worry about how Tara Reid is doing? It's my theory as well. Yeah.

Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, Emma Stone. There is always one that fulfills like the slayer in Buffy there is always one who fulfills this role where they are a beautiful red-headed yeah who then gets a bit too skinny and you go are you okay yeah you're worried and our current one is Emma Stone oh I haven't checked in although she's an Oscar winner now. Yeah. I think she's doing okay. I think she's fine. Yeah, I think like, you know, like different actors

have different faces and which... I do, yeah. So far, I'm on board. This is very relatable. I love your relatable comedy. Okay, great. Finally.

Okay, I'm connecting with people. And sometimes their face just already says... Except for the Olsen twins. Oh, they don't? No, I've tuned out. Oh, yeah, that's right. Is anyone watching with face blindness?

They're going to go like... No, okay. What are you talking about? Hi, Dan. You. Is anyone watching with face blindness, they're going to go like, oh, walk. Okay, what are you talking about? You mean they kind of look like trees as well? But do you think like, you know, like sometimes they already have an emotion that their face kind of naturally gives away. And so that's kind of one of the things. And I think Emma Stone has that thing where she gives away,

gives off like, I'm about to crack and go crazy. Yeah, there's something. There's something like, like she can be really nice and stuff like that, but she's like, she's on the verge of snapping at any point. Haunted eyes. Right? Haunted eyes. That's right.

And so I think that's what gives her this worry about the same thing that puts her on the Tara Reade scale. But I think, you know, similarly, people have been talking a lot about how men talk about the, uh, think about the, the, the Roman empire every week or whatever, almost every day.

I think that it's also true at least every week or every month. I think about Tara Reid and I worry about her wellbeing and I hope that she's doing okay. Once a week is pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I'm just going to write that down. Manageable and normal. I think that's a normal amount. It's like, uh, yeah, sometimes I drink alcohol when you go to the doctor like how much do you drink you're like oh i have like a that's okay but if you go and you're like i have a couple of beers a couple of times a day they go that's not really at the end of normal yeah and then you're actually going to the doctor how often are you thinking about Tara Reid? That shows a normal level of empathy. And then it sort of scales up to... It scales down to...

This is a real problem. Psychopathy. Sure. And then it scales up to obsession. Yes. And worrying. Like, you're going to break into her house. Does she still have a house?

I worry. I know. That's what I want. We could lose the rest of the episode on this, guys. But this is my pitch. The spermnado is blowing around. And it's sort of the opposite of the episode on this guys but this is my my pitch is that the the sperm uh sperm nato right it's blowing around and it's sort of the opposite of shark nato because instead of being um it killed the sharks killing people right it's some kind of super sperm which means

that if it hits you you instantly give birth to another person male or female male or female this is how powerful this stuff is right yeah everybody everybody so so that the body count is um is is upwards is upwards yeah which like a normal body count but it me i mean what that's a great idea it's a great idea just called the human race isn't that what we're overpopulated that's just what we're doing on a daily basis in terms of a hurricane they say it's like they go society is a sperm natal right now. It's like, oh God,

stop it. Sure, sure, sure. But this one, there's like, you know, like,

it's a great metaphor for overpopulation. This is actually really deep. There's a lot of layers. The windows are doing this though. Like, you know, the big wooden things

on the outside of windows are going, like that. And then people are going, like that. It's like when, you know, when it rains

and it's like the big fat raindrops and they're kind of flat on the ground. That'd be rain. It's like when it rains and it's like the big fat rain drops and they kind of splat on the ground. It's that, but it's thick. They don't splat, they splooge. Yeah, oh that's terrifying. That's really good.

That's good. Yeah, wow. I'd watch that. I would watch that. I was thinking, but our talk of the reverse body count also made me think of another film, which is the opposite of Rambo. I'm going to call it Rambulance, right? It's Rambo, but he's the paramedic. And he goes into a village where all these – maybe he goes after the regular Rambo and he goes in after Rambo's killed all these people and he resuscitates them all.

Or is it like a – Revives them, treats them, rehabilitates them. When you think Rambo, are you thinking Rambo is in First Blood or are you thinking Rambo is in Rambo 2? Now look, I'll be honest, I haven't seen any of them. Oh man. So I think it's Rambo 2 where he actually kills lots of people. Is that right?

Kills some people in First Blood. But First Blood is like an exploration of PTSD. Yeah. The way that America treats veterans. Yeah. And in the second one it's just like, Rambo's like an action hero ptsd yeah the way that people that america treats veterans yeah and in the second one it's just like rambo's like an action hero yeah and then everyone who made it was just like i think so i haven't seen it i can't really made the movie i feel like that's how they made the frasier remake i watched the trailer of the frasier remake and i was like oh this has been

made by people who someone just like the writers someone just told the rise yeah it's like a fucking nerd show he's like a pompous nerd dickhead. Just write that. That's 80s sequels. That's why I love 80s sequels. That's why the second one is always better than the first one. Terminator 1, it's like a psychological horror. He stalks, there's very few people that die,

and when they do die, it's usually off screen, and it's just kind of like this sinister. It's a meditation on the inevitability of death. The second one, just like okay now he's a good guy and he blows everything up and then there's a guy who's made out of fucking liquid metal this is the best like it makes it better but it definitely does not make it the same is that rocky rocky 2 he kills so many people in rocky 2 it's just like he punches everyone's head off and at the end spoilers he loses and everyone's like at least you tried and the second one is just like he can be the champion he's the best yeah that's i feel like they should do that for everything they should

like well what about this bad one shinless list is a bad one okay yeah why did you go there i feel like no i feel actually inglorious bastards i like is... They come back and they win. Yeah. Well, I mean, there could be a guy like that where a guy dies in the first movie and then he comes back as like a liquid blood monster that can turn himself into a scab. Back onto blood. Oh, the scab.

Yeah. Second blood. Million dollar baby. Two million dollar baby. Oh, that's right. It's her in a mech warrior suit. Yeah. Like that.

You know, instead he didn't turn off the thing. He transferred her into a robot. We cut in. It's the moment after he turns off the thing. He takes the plug out. He plugs it into a three-phase power outlet. Yeah. And it's more powerful.

It's 450 volts. She's not just on life support. She's on life privilege. Like that, and you see just a regular boxer in one corner. What about this? $6 million man, $1 million baby. $6 million baby. Oh, yeah.

$3.5 million baby. $3.5 million teenager, okay? I think you name it via the Fast franchise, so it gets to like million-dollar baby, two million, two baby. And then it gets to like AB5 and then just Dollar Baby. Yeah, it's going to be great when we get to the millionth installment of this millionth Dollar Baby. If you do that with the $6 million man,

so suddenly you're doing $6 million man, then you're going. Two $6 million man. Six million. $26 million man. It's going to be $6 million and $1 man. He's just got a dollar in his pocket. Yeah. There was nothing they could buy.

Here's some pocket change. He's got some Chewy. He's got a packet of Chewy. Get yourself a Paddle Pop. Yeah. It's like, what's the next thing? What does the next dollar buy? Literally just a packet of like chewy from

the from the kiosk at the front of the hospital we had the money left over oh sorry no 600 601 i'm sorry six million and one dollar man is actually the sequel it sounds like it's the first one but actually that's the no the second one what's the second million dollar man though i there's gonna there's some rounding happening there or somebody's like, you're not going to hit bang on that budget. That's such a round number. Do you think it should have been the $5,800,007, et cetera? Just a bit of accuracy in naming things.

$876,000. But I don't think that's how funding, I think your naivety is that I don't think that that's how funding works. So that $6 million probably didn't go into the tech that went into it and that also went into the staff. A lot of it's admitted. The admin renting the facility. He probably only got about $45,000 put into

it. The person that actually... This is like people who do those exposés on charities and they're like, you know that if you give to Plan International, you know, if you give to Plan International, you know, 80% of that money just goes into the bureaucracy and maintaining the bureaucracy. No, $6 million didn't go into this. Yeah. That's a conspiracy.

I'll write that down. $6 million didn't go into the $6 million man. Defund the $6 million man. That's the real, that's the... defunding programs that make superhuman cyborgs. Would you rather have a $6 million man or $6 million $1 men? $6 million $1 men.

Mm. I mean... That's like... I think you could win more fights with $6 million... $1 men. $1 men. That's like either fighting like a dog or an ant's nest. I would much rather fight a dog.

I don't think I would. Oh, no. I could fight a dog or an ant's nest. I would much rather fight a dog. I don't think I would. Oh, no, I could fight. Now I've had children, I'm like, I need to know how to fight a dog. And I've just thought about it a lot. I just know how to kill every dog. It's funny, I think about the same thing, but I go, I need to learn how to fight an ant's nest. I leave my kids... They're always covered

in something sticky and I leave them on the ground a lot. I leave them overnight. Near dirt. I leave them in barbecue sauce and tie them over ant's nests. I'm like,

you're going to get bitten. But then I go out there and I start punching the ants like that around them. I think you're safe with me, you see? Special kind of kung fu that you need to learn,

which is all just like that. Yeah. Single tiny little punches with each finger. that you need to learn, which is all just like that. Yeah. Single tiny little punches with each finger. You would need to learn a special martial art to fight an ant's nest. Yeah, I think you're right. I think this is a great... Maybe we could get Jackie Chan in on this. It's a new martial art.

You see it all to start. He's just fighting ants, right? Just squishing them with his little fingers like that. Like he's playing the piano. Yeah. But it's like the Kung Fu thing where there's the praying mantis style and there's the monkey style and all that kind of stuff. But this martial art teaches you how to kill different animals with your bare hands.

Like that. And so the monkey style is actually for killing monkeys. Like that. You know? So, yeah. I think this is against God. Hey, oh, man. There's nothing more human than to dominate the animal kingdom.

That's what Noah was doing. Noah was just like, make sure we get everything on the boat so one day people can fight them. He's like, don't leave anything behind because I don't want to have a world where I can't fight a specific animal. That's a great setting for a horror movie is on Noah's Ark. We're on Noah's Ark and the animals have got out.

And now it's just Noah and his family and all the animals have gone evil somehow and he's having to fight his way through them. Now he's got to kill them all. Now he's got to throw them all back off the boat. Do you think anything came out of Noah's Ark? Any kind of like hybrid animal came out of Noah's Ark? Must have been. Like Dr. Moreau.

Yeah. Yeah. Moreau's Ark. More Noah's Ark. Must have been. Like Dr. Moreau. Yeah. Yeah, Moreau's Ark. Moreau's Ark. I feel like... I mean, we know that the Liger is possible. Yeah. And there's, you know, why...

Yes, I think that the... He must have accidentally made something and come out and gone. And God would have been like, I did not make that. I've made everything. And you've gone, oh, I'm going to have a go at being God. That's an angry God as well. That's Old Testament God.

Well, that's, I mean, you're assuming they're all sort of loose on the ark. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if that's the case. They might be in their own little... It's taking me long enough

to build the giant boat enough to house every animal. Two of it. I'm not building stalls as well. Yeah, yeah. And especially like little ones for like, you know, each different types of bacteria. Hummingbird.

The moth hummingbird. I'm building an ark. Each different type of bacteria. Yeah. He's got like a little petri dish and things like that. And he's swabbing. Only two. Two.

Why don't you fucking leave it? Look at that. It's covered in them. Don't propagate. Yeah. Do you think I'm taking away Some of this Petri gel

Two of every animal I don't think he did I don't think he did The other classes of life He didn't do the plants He didn't do the fungi Oh right Oh that'd be fine

Like a plant It's just got more water on it That's right Yeah they love that They get better They love that I'm building an ark though Like it's gonna be a big empty

And you're just chucking the animals in And on the top there's going to be a little bit for me and my family It's going to have bedrooms in it I don't want to sleep with my kids And then you're just pushing the elephants And they'll sit on top of each other I don't care Fill it up with animals

I reckon it's like stacking a shopping bag You want to put the big heavy items at the bottom you got to put the elephants in first i was knowing the tomatoes would get squashed i'm just going put it all in i don't give a shit and it would be like a disposable bag so i would have forgotten my real ones would you have to separate like predators prey no no you wouldn't let it happen you got a snake you gotta bag your predators separately would you bother putting in all the wet animals that's god's fault like if god's told me to put two of every animal i'd do it i'd just be like i'd do it that's fine yeah and then i did what you said if the lions ate all the other animals i'd be like well maybe you shouldn't have made them eat meat yeah and then that's not my fault you just throw fish into the dry into the dry ark yeah you know

turtles uh stingrays yeah seahorse with that and there you go i just you just said to get two you didn't say keep them alive whales yeah two of each whale dolphins in there yeah um of each whale. Dolphins in there. I mean, that's... Look, I mean, I've got Dr. Minot, but look, I'm going to put Noah's Ark, but the guy couldn't be far. Filled with loose animals. It is literally just doing the bare minimum. It's like doing exactly... It's like, can you take

the rubbish out? And it's like, yep. Did you bag it up or anything? It's like, I just put it straight into the bin. You told me to take the rubbish out. I did it. That you bag it up or anything it's like i just throw into the bin you told me to take the rubbish out i did it that's how i would treat any task should be out to me like like if like just dripping garbage water all throughout the house god's house and you're like and he's like well what about the garbage water i go you didn't say mop up it's still it's still god telling you to take the garbage out in your scenario. Yeah. Still God. Yeah, God's saying, take the garbage out now. It's God's house. This is a great idea for a TV show.

Two people living in a house. One of them is God. It's the odd couple. It's the God couple. It's the God couple. The God couple. One of them is God. Write it down.

Write it down. What the fuck is wrong with you? Ow! Sorry. One of them is God. One of them is Jesus. I think God's still G-O-D-D. Yeah, that's really good.

I have always said that Jesus didn't make the sacrifice. The biggest sacrifice made when Jesus was put on the cross was God letting his adult son move back in with him. This is what the remake of Mother and Son should have been on the ABC. Father and Son. Father and Son in brackets and Holy Spirit. And he's just like the weird housemaid's like oh hi guys you're worried you're worried that god has alzheimer's yeah oh it's like the logan yeah logan but with yeah um but with god but with yeah, really good. God as Wolverine.

Jackman, you get Jackman back, he's still ripped. He's still looking good. I mean, that's the body that a lot of churches want us to think that Jesus has. This reminds me of earlier. Sorry, you go. That's it. This reminds me of earlier. Just when we said the word fuddy-duddy, I was thinking there must be like, we've got to make, you know how we're like, we go through periods of sexualizing different people.

And for a while we were sexualizing dads and it was all dilfs and dad bod and you know, that kind of thing. Right. This is the, this is my new thing. Fuddy daddies. We're sexualizing fuddy daddies. Right. It's a filth. Yeah.

For dilfs. It's always a fuddy daddy. Hmm. Right. Fuddy daddies. Write it down, write it down. Everybody, we're really into it. And I guess like when we saw those...

Or a fucky daddy. A fucky daddy. Maybe, yes. Fucky daddy? Fucky daddy. When we saw those photos of Rupert Murdoch at the beach with Jerry Hall or whatever it was, and it just was like, how long has he been in the water?

He looks like you've just put him out. But that was Duddy Buddy. But it's that, but everybody looks at it and goes, It's like those little flappy boobs that men like aquatic centers get and they're always in there and they're there for the whole day yes a giant gut and they have these very flappy you could like so the bubbles like bring up and down yeah you could slide your fingers under them and their nipples are very like they look like they've been breastfeeding but it's that and everyone's like well now you need to cover that up because you're gonna everyone's gonna get too horny at the gym that's yeah i think not free the nipple like yeah that should be the real thing

like when people are like oh free the nipple it's not fair that men get to show their nipples and women don't yeah it should go the other way yeah imprison men's nipples yeah it should be like imprison the male nipple there should be a small like little triangle bikini that goes on men's nipples. Triangle bikini? Bikini. An eeny weeny, teeny weeny triangle bikini. Okay. You're the one who got me up at like six o'clock to get here.

I think that when you become an elderly man and you start getting man boobs, you become an elderly man and you start getting man boobs um that there should be a point around 75 where you start to lactate and you can you can feed you can feed the community again yeah what do you think that milk would be like hey oh it'd be gray yeah very gray it's like a return to work wet nurse like a like a post-retirement career that would be that would be really good i'm sure we can do this with hormones. I'm sure we can make... Old people's home for newborns. Very old men breastfeeding the babies.

Suckling babies. And it's like a six-part documentary series on the ABC. I'll watch that. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'll go to jail. And they're joking with the mothers and they're like, I bought, I bought. The mums aren't there. The mums aren't there.

It's purely about giving these men like a purpose. The mums aren't there. The mums aren't allowed in. No, no, no. If the mum's there, the mum can breastfeed it. This is for mums who have had to go back to work early because of the way our maternity leave system is, how it doesn't stack up against.

That's the message of it this is my problem with we're always talking about productivity in the economy and getting women back into work and that sort of thing but like why does people when when when we discovered that we could get more productivity out of the current population by having women work, right, I think it might have been... I'm not saying women shouldn't be allowed in the workplace, Tosh. And I think it's great that everybody can work if they want to. But I think that, like, when...

You have to qualify that. When they... When women were encouraged to go into the workplace everyone was like it's feminism it's great it's equality but i reckon all the fucking money maker dudes were all like yes and there'll be more workers and so we can pay everybody less as a result right it should be like let's keep the same working population right yeah and half the people should just not work and then we like that half should be women no but like it could be men it could be men oh that would be men leave the workforce right i would love to get back in the kitchen because i think we're always

talking about increasing productivity and i think it's bullshit i think we should decrease productivity so we should do less yes sure i mean i guess every time that they say increase productivity it doesn't serve us, right? No. It only serves business? Exactly. Although if you can rise to the top of that and become like a billionaire. Oh, sure.

Then it's great. Yeah. So as long as you have no sort of, like you haven't got an eye on becoming a billionaire, otherwise you're going to want some. I think almost everybody has an eye on becoming a billionaire. Yeah. I think everyone thinks they can do it as well.

It's like, no, you haven't got any slaves. You need some slaves. Otherwise, you're not going to be a billionaire. That's the entire system. Sorry, 49. 49? Yeah. This is really exciting, Alistair.

They say 52 down there. Yeah, I know. But they're having to count Based off just watching me Write things down Oh so they There are things they think Are sketches That you haven't

I don't know if that's the case I think they're trying to just go like Oh he looks like he's Writing something down But sometimes I go back And write down It's really painful Going back down like that

I know I'm sorry I'm really sorry Here's something I've been Thinking about a lot I wish that the word scrotum Had a silent N in it Like the word scrotum had a silent N in it, like the word autumn. Scrotumnal.

That's the main point of it, is that I would like it to have an adjectival form instead of like scrotum-esque. So pedestrian. A guy who goes to the dictionary and begs to add the... And he's a poet. He's like, I'm not just some regular guy. I'm a poet.

I write. I care about language. I just... You've got to give me this. It's got like an online petition. Do you think maybe he gets violent? Maybe he takes hostages. Eventually, yeah.

I mean, he has to do that thing like... Nobody's responding. That guy who wants to get his kid treatment and so he takes the hospital hostage. I just want treatment for my child! That's all I want! He's like, I just want Scrodom to have an N at the end! Silent!

It's silent! It doesn't affect you! It doesn't change you! It only changes if you're writing it down. Yeah, I think that's a really good idea. It gives you more words. It gives you more language. He's got, like, taken this whole building, a whole busload of people, of tourists hostage, right?

And he's threatening to kill everybody. He's going to kill one hostage every hour. Until they put it in the dictionary. Yeah. And the government's like, well, we don't negotiate with hostages. Also, the dictionary's only just come out. We have to wait a whole year. Yeah.

We've got to issue a reprint? What are you talking about? We have to wait for that list of words that goes into the dictionary every year. Yeah, the new words. Can you get words changed? That's the question. Because language changes.

Yeah, of course. The meaning of words kind of changes in its usage, but I don't know if it changes by definition because people use words incorrectly all the time that's right well but you know that's what i've i've been thinking about this you know when somebody corrects you you say oh you're actually not using that word correctly you know compared to what's in the dictionary but you know but what's the dictionary's reference uh document that's fucking us so i'm just going to keep saying it like that until I change it. And then the dictionary will have to catch up.

Every dictionary is out of date. You look at old English spellings in dictionaries, and they are so different. What's to say that we can't then, I don't know, nudge things into the future, into future English? We've got old English, we've got current English. What's next English? I think that the dictionary should, like, if they're printing things,

they should be like that. They should be like, there should be a, you should be able to get a speculative dictionary, which is like, they get some people in to brainstorm about where do you think these words are going? Maybe us. And then they just go, then and then, now mean the same thing, and you can use them interchangeably.

Yeah, but like even, you know, even sillier ones. I mean, just the idea that you could be at the end of the year. I think people are going to start saying crab-surd instead of absurd, right? So we put that in there. It's a new thing. And then when people are like, that's absurd, you're like, I think you mean crab-surd. They're like, what are you talking about?

You're like, look at the dictionary. That's so wrong. I've always, I've grown up. It's like, yeah, no, I only just changed in the last week. But did you not update? It's embarrassing wrong. Yeah. I've always, I've grown up, it's like, yeah, no, I only just changed in the last week. But did you not update? Oh, that's embarrassing. How embarrassing. Oh, you can't even say crab surd anymore.

No way. Oh, man. Trying to like get stuff onto my favourite app, X. Oh, yeah. And it's just not, it's now. When you talked about scrotum before, it's funny that you were thinking now when you talked about scrotum before it's funny that you were thinking about changing the spelling of scrotum because i was yesterday thinking it's a shame there's you know how like women for breasts they have the word bosom yeah which is a sort of in a

way it's sort of like the classy word you know you can use it in art yeah it's it's um it's it's warm it's beautiful beautiful i think that there needs to be a word like that for the ball bag But I don't think we have a beautiful word for the ball bag I think it's a branding issue Yeah, yeah And that's why Bosom again Silent N

Oh yeah Bosomno Bosomno Oh yes Beautiful It is actually quite beautiful But I think, so um so i think you know boism what would what would be the boys and boys the boys bosom the testicles can be the boism

that sounds foul that's that's that's worse that's what about it's gross my bosom berries my bosom berries oh my bosom berries bos. My bosom berries. Oh, my bosom. Bosom berries? Bosom berries. Bosom berries? Yeah. Those are nipples. I don't like the way you inhaled before that like it was your idea. I was shocked at how good it was. That was a compliment breath.

This is the breakdown of a relationship. No, it's not. No, look. Though that is coming. Okay, so a kind word for testicles yeah like bosom like bosom berries i think we need to find well you can't just say that's it that's what we're well the sketch could be the search for it you know there's a global it's like it's like when they were trying to plan they were trying to like what's canberra gonna look like and they get a bunch of architects around like that and you know they put camera where it is to stop people from fucking and wanking and it did not work but wait wait wait explain this to me again the location

of canberra yes is due to its climate yes and it was so they won't have sex get all riled up and all that's not true that's not true it's very true it might not be about the horniness in particular, but it is about people's temperament in warmer climates and colder climates. And so they said, well, this is sort of that perfect. It's temperate. It's not going to be humid, so people aren't going to be like, just go to war. I'm so sweaty.

Let's just go to war. If I lived in Sydney during the summer, I would if I was the Prime Minister. It's just go to war. If I lived in Sydney during the summer, I would, if I was the prime minister. Sure. It doesn't make sense why. I wonder if anybody, this would explain why England, Britain has never been to war, right? Exactly. Never.

Not once. Because it's so cold. It's not humid over there. If climate change, the world's getting worse. Climate change, the world's getting worse. Look, somebody should do a graph to find out the latitude of capital cities against the number of wars they've started. I think what happens is that when you are closer to the equator, you tend to not overdevelop into a point where you are

starting to start wars all the time. Like you there's not a lot of equatorial colonial countries like countries, no sorry, like countries that go and colonize, colonizing. Daniel itch is on there, is on the comments. He will know about... Pouchem. Pouchem, that's beautiful. That's again foul. Pouchum no. Yeah, you put an N on the end of that, Dan. Then I'm all right. Then it's artistic. Then we're talking.

I think that the person campaigning, I think this should be a men's rights meeting. Not this. Not this. Even though it might seem that way. We have got women as guests later on. But I think they're talking, you know, they're all sitting around in a garage or whatever,

wearing their shirts. They're all sweaty and horrible. It's quite humid where they are. They're not, you know, not somewhere nice and temperate like this. And they're talking about what their issues are. And there's one guy who's really hung up on the fact that there isn't a nice word for ball bag and he thinks it's an emblematic of the way in which men's um men are men are oppressed and

uh you know sojourney hurts us all that's the thing toxic masculinity that that's i feel like it's kind of yeah there shouldn't be a pretty word for my balls because they're balls there should be a beautiful there should be you should you deserve it i think that that would help that would help the world because you would bring beauty back to a man's you think that the men the men's rights group would just then disband they would just be like oh they actually don't realize that that that was what that was actually what they were missing you don't know what they didn't know what it was but there was something they felt something was wrong and then when we gave them this word.

There's also not a nice name for a penis. The whole area is just... Pog? Rod? Pulsating mass? Wait. Stag? Stag?

Stag is not... Mongrel? That's a state. Mongrel is a state of beings. It's a state of matter rather than the matter itself. An activist who really fights... I think... Yeah, I think the mongrel scale

should be the measure of how... The scale of mongreality. Yeah. It should be the measure of how... The scale of mongreality. Yeah. It should be, you know, whether something's full mongrel or half mongrel, it should be a scientific scale that measures how... Developed by Edouard Mongrel. Mongrel. In 1832.

Look at the origins of the mongrel. That should be the doomsday clock. It's actually pronounced mongrel. Instead of the doomsday clock, it should be the... How origins of the mongrel. That should be the doomsday clock. It's actually pronounced mongrel. Instead of the doomsday clock, it should be the... How close to full mongrel we are. Oh, we are approaching full mongrel. 98% mongrel. Now, were we saying scale of heart, like of erectness?

Yeah, I think so, yeah. But I like Tosh's one about the doomsday clock i'd even so the scale of hardness you mean so as in like how hard a diamond is um yeah yeah what's that one what's that's the mose scale yeah should that be yeah the mongrel yeah yeah um of course i feel like a diamond could scratch any state of mongrel. It's the unfortunate thing. However erect a person's penis becomes, I feel like it could always be scratched by a diamond. I think if men came together and started restricting the supply of mongrels.

Like OPEC? Well, like the diamond trade. Oh, right. They only allow so many uh erections out per year and made them a and made them a uh and then you get a blood erection that's that's this salt on the black market what's a blood oh a blood diamond yeah but that's when you've held back erections for so long that's like your your legs it's an unethical erection that's been made by a slave that's people died to get that erection this is illegal this is not right

do you still have to go down into a mine to get it naomi campbell seen with a blood erection so instead of instead of putting all the old porno magazines in parks they put them down inside deep underground yeah and so people have to them down inside of mines. Deep underground. Yeah. And so people have to go down into those mines to get their erections and then bring them back up to the surface. Bring them back up to the surface. And people lose arms and things,

but they come out with, and it's like, has he got the erection? I don't, and it's like, he's lost his hand. He's bleeding out. It's like, has he got the erection? Yes or no? It is possible to imagine. Yes or no? Sm got the erection yes or no it is possible to imagine yes or no smuggle the erection out into the world by tying it up to your body with a belt

you hide it and you sort of shut or like you wait what's that down your pants see what's he coming out with why is he coming out with a binder why is he coming out with with a big maths textbook he's just like no nothing i've got nothing. This is really interesting. The idea that like, again, in a children of men type scenario, a future scenario evolves in which there's only one place on earth where people can get erections, right? Erection island. For whatever reason, there's...

People's imaginations have died. Exactly. That's right. And there is one place on earth where they keep the secret, they're still able to achieve it. Old copies of People and the Picture. Even like the hormones are no longer around? Apparently there's a place where you can see a woman's smooth.

But then... It's really just the cum trees that are there somehow. There's a hormone that they put out and they just go, moo, like that, and they can't get it naturally. But they're trying to control the supply. People are going in there, getting the erections, and then trying to get out on a plane, get home, and do the deed, right? While maintaining that erection.

Exactly. Keep remembering it. Keep remembering it. They've got very short memories as well because their imagination isn't very good. Instead of Border Patrol, it's Boner Patrol. And they... You go through an x-ray machine

that's just the waist down. Have you got anything on you? And you're like, yeah. And you come through and it's like, no, sword, no, that's fine. We're not looking for that. You conceal your erection inside a big packet of cocaine or in a parrot in a parrot like they swab your bag there's like there's some spoof on here isn't there i mean the the alternative to that is the children of men film but it's men have lost the ability to get erections but Clive Owen has found the one man

who's managed to achieve one and he's gotta get him Clive Owen with this guy with a boner and just every now and then he'll get an erection and Clive will just look at it like the guy's got the erection he can't let it Clive can't let it go down

right fluffer of man yeah If a guy's got the erection, he can't let it, Clive can't let it go down. Right? Fluffer of man. Yeah. So he's constantly just like just touching it or just kind of making the guy a little bit horny, just like, remember boobs? It's also a bit The Last of Us, isn't it? Right?

Like Pedro Pascal is trying to get a man with an erection across the country. While lots of people try to bite it. Yeah. Yeah, right, because he wouldn't be able to let him climax as well. No, no. Because they need to analyse it at the science lab on the other side. They're going to shoot the erection and then cut it open

and it's like the erection will die. Oh, wow. Pedro Pascal will go insane and kill them all. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure. And carry the man out unconscious with his erection under the sheet. Because he gets it again in death, right? Is that true that you get it?

I mean, that's a... Is that true? Rigor mortis? Might have been in the movie Clerks. Is that just rigor mortis? Yeah. I mean, there's a chance. I wonder if you can... Can you get sperm out of it at that point?

You can because people have, no, that's a real thing. There was a famous, so my partner was like childhood friends with this, I think he's a snowboarder or a skier, but he was famous for it. I don't understand. Whatever he did. Snowboarding. It was snowboarding or skiing. It was some sort of snow sports. He was like an Olympic athlete. Famously good for it. Whatever he did. Snowboarding. It was snowboarding or skiing. It was some sort of snow sports.

He was like an Olympic athlete. Famously good for being as a childhood friend. He died and his wife got his sperm and got pregnant with it. And now she has their child. Wow. But the child was conceived post-death. Wow. But it wasn't just sperm that he had frozen or something like that.

Oh, no, no, no. They can get it because it's there. It's there for a bit. And I think there's a window where it's like, do you want it? And you go, yeah, go on. I mean, the fact that this is real makes it a very difficult thing to be like, and what about this? And then the person who has done it is just like, yeah, we did that.

Yeah. Single tear. Yeah. And so. Yeah. Even after death, the snowboarder was able to get a half pipe. What? Right.

Get down, get down. I mean, I'd probably just use a syringe to the testicle. What else could you do to somebody post-death? That's the thing. Oh, yes. What else could you harvest that is... We've already... Didn't we talk about this with Evan?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're getting all the blood. We were just talking about just draining all the blood and then just pouring it into somebody else. That's what they do with meat. Like when they kill an animal, they hang it up and drain the blood out. Yeah, that's what I was trying to...

But, you know, maybe you could... Because, I mean, fecal transplants are a big thing now. Harvest all of their poo. Just get in there. But when you die, don't you evacuate your bowels? You have to get in that before it actually comes out. Because if it touches your underpants, I would imagine it's been contaminated. Oh, yucky.

That's yucky now. It's not fresh. It's like letting milk go on the floor if you're milking a cow. It's like you can't scoop that off the floor. It has to go in the bucket. That's really good advice for milking a cow.'s like you can't scoop that off the floor it has to go in the bucket yeah it's so easy really good advice for milking a cow i didn't know you were when people die yeah having to get in before they shit themselves before their body shits themselves so there's like a window of maybe 30 seconds so you sort of have to constantly be waiting and it's

like in the hospital they're like wait wait wait go! Like that, as soon as they die. Especially because you're like, maybe here you are with your gut problems. And your dad's like there. And you're like, oh, come on. And you're just waiting there with an old ice cream container. Is there just a tube that connects the two of you? And you're just waiting for it to happen. And then the evacuation actually does the transplant for you. Oh, wow wow and it just goes up into your nose or whatever like that in your nose is that how they do it i thought fecal transplants went like ass to ass oh maybe it is

ass to ass um that could be look okay um wait post-death fecal transplant what a perfect sketch that could be a like a quite a nice sequel to uh to requiem for a dream that man the ass to ass man is now a doctor yeah he's quite virtuous he was already doing pretty well financially there's a chance that that's yeah maybe he's just he's decided to go into charity he still gets off on it he's like oh i'm gonna pay for the fecal transplant i'm gonna need to see it happen in real time and i'm gonna get all my rich friends to come and watch in the theater but i will fund it and they'll have money and they'll be going i mean just even just like to have surgery but have it as a kind of like more of a competitive

sport i'm like you know in the theater i don't i imagine most surgery doesn't actually happen in a theatre where people can sit and watch. I feel like that's – isn't that where it came from, the name theatre? I assume so. That's a Clive Owen show, isn't it? The Nick? Is it The Nick?

I don't know this. He's a doctor and he just kills people by accident all the time. Oh, is this like in an old-timey kind of thing? Yeah, in like New York. They all sit up around, like, all the students sit, and it's like an amphitheatre almost, and then in the middle he's just doing surgery with no anaesthetic. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, that whole history seems like a... The whole history of surgery like that seems like a really awful time. I'm glad it happened. But also, should there be... You know how, like how artisanal producers, they always want to get back to, it's all hand.

I completely agree. It's like, could you get an artisanal operation done on your body? Go back to wooden mallets. We don't use anaesthetic here. We've got a sort of a wooden rod. Yeah, there's a bit of leather You can bite on

Yeah They should do that Yeah Artisanal surgery Old school Because I remember one time In some food documentary What a taste strange

Seeing a guy who Was Had a farm And he was like Yeah we do all of our You know like our butchering Here outside And you don't need to

You know this is You don't need to hose things down Or whatever This is sterile or whatever like that and i was like huh okay he's like you know you don't want to go into like a lab kind of situation that's where you get those infections out in the world but i but you know but i think but i think the the abattoir is a famously unhygienic place it's really messed up They're doing a lot of hosing down of stuff, but then they're just like all the guts and bacteria going everywhere. Stuff gets into gaps.

I don't think there's any kind of perfect. So you need to like get a perfect plastic mold. Like they do like in those Japanese toilets in the hotels. You know, like you go into the hotel and it kind of seeps. Oh yeah, the whole room. The whole room is just like a plastic mold

or something like that. And it's like, so that there was nowhere where water could just seep out. You need that for abattoirs. You just need a big enough factory to stamp. Or just move all of abattoirs into Japanese hotels. Exactly. That's where we should be doing all of our meat processing. Meat processing.

Take the cow into that small bathroom. Yep. Next to the robot toilet. Put it in there. It's so great having all the squirts from the different toilets that you can use for washing your hands. I mean, obviously there's a sink there as well, but you get rid of the guts like that and just flush them,

then clean your hands straight there like that. Have a little music playing. Do you think the people running the japanese hotel know that you're using it as an abattoir no i think you would have to hide it yeah it would be very upset if you're doing that yeah you have to smuggle in a cow dressed as like just as an old lady where's your wife going wife why have you got bags full of meat now and they're just kind of the workers are just kind of saying to each other, Americans, like that. Like that. But they're because they think that they're people, right? Meat processing in.

They think they're people. Japanese. Also, you're actually killing the cow in there. It'd be a great thing. This would be great. You know those costumes that you can get for a dog, right? Where it makes the front legs of the dog look like the legs of a little Ewok or a person or something.

And there's something that goes on the back. It'd be great to get those for cows, right? And it's a costume for a cow, and it looks like two wives carrying a big suitcase between them, right, so that you can smuggle them into a Japanese hotel. And then you come out with no wives. Yeah. Wait, wait, this is,

that makes it look like multiple wives? Yeah, it's a costume for a cow that makes it look like two wives carrying a big box so that you can get it into the Japanese hotel. How do you fly it across though? Like how do you get them to sit in aeroplane seats? You can get anything you need with Uber Eats.

Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. It's a really good question.

It's a really good question. They just look like they're carrying the box like this. Like, that is too big for carry-on luggage. You're just like, fuck! Maybe you could get... OK, it's a costume that looks like two women carrying a carry-on... Size.

Two pieces of carry-on. Yeah, two pieces. But two quite... One has a very large bum and one has a very large gut. And then in between are two small laptop bags. There we go. This is a costume that will allow you to murder a cow. And a paper bag filled with, like, you know,

a bit of duty-free kind of stuff like that. Well, yeah, that's the thing. Although coming back... Yeah. Well, I mean, they don't. I think you can bring duty-free into the country you're traveling to. I was going to say it would make meat quite expensive. But if you think about it, you only have to buy three tickets going over there. Yes.

Coming back, you only need to buy one ticket. And then a bigger baggage allowance. But also maybe you're selling it in Japan. I think meat, you know, if you've got a nice. Japan is the only place you can get meat. Yeah. Yep. There you go. Oh, it's the children of men, but there's only

one island where you can get meat. Smuggling meat. The cows are grown everywhere. You can only slaughter them in Japanese hotels, illegally. They just don't want to kill them anywhere else because it's a bit dirty. Yeah. Clive Owens found the last man with a cleaver.

And he's got to smuggle, but he's got to keep the cleaver hard. Oh, because it's very hot everywhere and it's melting and he's got to just blow on it. Get it through a gunfight. I don't think I can write that down. No. I'm writing it down. Children of men, but last man with a cleaver.

Okay, so what else have we got? Let's see. It's very early for that to happen. But it will happen, especially when it's just me because alistair's very good at just thinking of a word but i can't ever think of a word or something to start with and then i you know the word that i've just thought of is horse but that's very close to cow yeah 62 you know there's there's something in that. What about this? A horse cow.

Because it sucks that there's two types, right? It's like mostly they're pretty close in terms of animals. Yeah. There's the horse, which is the rideable. A milking horse. Yeah. You know, a milking horse that you can ride. That'd be great.

You know. And eat. You can eat a horse. In the Melbourne Cup. you run the race, and then at the end, you can milk the horse into the Melbourne Cup, fill the cup up, and everybody can have a sip. Very fresh. It's a children of men scenario, but there's only one cup.

There's only one cup left in the world. They've got to take them to the island where there's a liquid. Yes. It's the last horse that you can use. It's the last horse. Everyone is milking the horses directly into their mouths if they want milk. And it's like, I just want to be able to have cereal

that isn't eaten one bite at a time, where I put the dry cereal in my mouth. One squirt of milk. A horse squirt. Another one. Out of the box because there's no bowl. Do you think that in the box because there's no bowl Do you think that in the situation where there's no cups or bowls

The ultra rich, the billionaires Would employ Would have servants who lie on the table in front of them With their mouth open And they use that person's mouth as a bowl They probably use their hands Cupped hands of course They haven't thought of that though

Because that's See the cupped hand They probably use their hands. Cupped hands, of course. Cupped their hands. They haven't thought of that, though. Okay, they're just using their mouth. See, the cupped hand, in order to think of the idea of the cupped hand, you need to have the word cup, right? You need to know about cups. They don't know about cups. I think there's a dual benefit, though. If you are a servant, do you think you'd swallow a little bit? I think you're going to be pretty poor.

If your job is to be a bowl, I, you haven't got a lot of money. I'm a bowl. So I feel like you would do it purely for that little bit of milk that's left at the end. They would go, you know what, that's your pay. That's yours. Gaveston. Enjoy, Gaveston.

When you hold milk in your mouth, though, it sort of turns into mucus. It turns into spit. I don't know if you've ever done this. Hold milk in your hands? In your mouth. Oh, in your mouth, though, it sort of turns into mucus. It turns into spit. I don't know if you've ever done this. Hold milk in your hands? In your mouth. Oh, in your mouth, yeah. Because it mixes with your saliva.

Yeah, and the more saliva comes out, and then eventually it's like a 50-50 mix, and it's quite... Yeah, unpleasant. Also, you're saying that he would use his mouth as the bowl. He'd be like... No, the servant's mouth as the bowl. I think the servants in this role have probably had their salivary glands cauterized or something.

You've got to see Lord Vandermeer. The dry mouths of the poor. Or the servants who had very dry mouths would be in very high demand. The richest families would have servants with the driest mouths. Children of men. That would have found the last person with a really dry mouth. Are there also no bowls in this situation? So they're hiding and there's scavengers or some sort of cult of rich people.

People hunting them. Yeah. They're under the floorboards or something. It's like, you have to be really quiet. Oh, but his mouth's so dry. He goes like this. You can't whisper because you just hear this. And then the dry mouth hunters go.

They hear that trebly. What's that click? It hasn't had any water someone can't produce saliva i'll ask you again is this also in a situation where there are no cups yes you know no that's why that's why this person is you know because we want to use them as a not just because they've got a dry mouth but but that's they are looking for the last no further question bowl on the planet everyone just wants to have a bowl of cereal. Everybody, that's a dream.

And there are stories told. We still have the oral tradition in many senses of the word. Everyone's mouths are just too wet. Where people talk about what it was like when we used to have bowls. No, we've never had bowls. Oh, we've never had bowls. It's not that we lost the art. We've always been a mouth bowl society.

But then the mouth bowl people died out and there's one left. That's right. Because they would kill anybody who produced lots of saliva. I love your world building. It's suffocating. It's amazing. It's like watching George R.R. Martin at work. People got too into eating cereal out of these people's mouths. And because drinking milk promotes like mucus production,

they all got blocked noses. And there was an era where soggy cereal became a real thing. Yeah. And they all suffocated except for one. There was one left. Alistair's the opposite of this. Like you are the person who I think of. You say like drinking milk promotes mucus production. That's not something that I experience or I'm aware of anywhere in life,

except for in the case of Alistair, who is a big sloppy milker. He, you know, if he has milk, he gets all mucusy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's why you don't have milk when you're sick and stuff like that. Cause it may produces more. Yeah. It makes you more snotty.

And so I get sick. I drink a lot of milk. You might be one of these dry mouthers. When you are sick, if you drink colostrum, that will make you better. Really? Purely through evidence of a baby. They say you keep the colostrum in the fridge and then you can drink it and it will make you... Well, the baby can drink it.

The baby. I mean, it's suggesting that I'm stealing my child's colostrum in the fridge and then you can drink it and it will make you... Well, the baby can drink it. Baby the baby. I mean, it's suggesting that I'm stealing my child's colostrum because I've got a cold. It's not happening. But... And just because you're like, I'm going to cook it into something real nice. I'm going to make a mac and cheese later with colostrum.

I can see you basting the noodles with your little colostrum spoon. It's bechamel. It's all colostrum. Yeah, colostrum lasagna. It's full of antibodies and things because it's meant to keep a baby alive in the world for a while. As soon as a baby comes out, all the germs stay. But now babies just stay alive in the world anyway. We've got a good health system.

They don't need it anymore. Exactly. That's why we can use it for our baking. Share it. I mean, don't you have enough? Well, spoiled. Babies are spoiled these days. Babies are spoiled.

And there should be a little colostrum for daddy for cooking. A little colostrum for daddy for cooking. There should be a little colostrum for daddy. There should be a little colostrum for daddy. Now, do we know if our next guests have the ability to get in? I haven't seen any. Oh, here we go. Look, there's a message. There's a thumbs up here on the chat.

Yeah, I mean, I think in theory, is it Pat it pat and dmg uh the next guests that's possible yeah just let them know let them know the code and possibly jackson yeah if jackson's okay i'll send the message or sorry to tosh to be talking about the next guest while you're still here i just want to make sure that people can get in um i want that as well um oh no i just typed in the word colostrum instead of... The code that you were using before, I tried that and it didn't work. The one that you talked about. Yeah.

So use the other one. Okay. That one's very cool. The code? Yeah, real good. Yeah, you like it? Real cool guy. Don't give away too many clues because they might be able to hack now.

Says fuck. Because they might be able to hack now. Fuck. My beloved wife has just sent me a photo of our child's first poop in the potty. Oh, Alistair, I can't believe you weren't there. I know, I missed it, but at least I have the photo in my phone forever. Are you going to get that framed? Eh? Get it framed and put it on the mantle.

I'm going to get it framed. You know what, one time... That first, that's the colostrum. That's the colostrum. Do you keep it like the first haircut? You know, they usually keep like the first haircut. I get it bronzed. Do you know I have my friend's first haircut hair?

Wow. Wow. He had it in his house and he was like, oh, my mum gave me a box of my old stuff and it included his first haircut hair. And he was like, I'm going to throw that away. It's disgusting. And I said, no, can his first haircut hair. And he was like, I'm going to throw that away. It's disgusting. And I said, no, can I please have it?

And he said, yes. And now I just own my friends. That's really nice. When he was one year old. I reckon we're not that far away from you being able to create the technology to be able to have your friend's child. Yeah. The reason I took it, I was like, I'm going to do it.

I think we already have that technology. It's called a van and a quick getaway How does that become a sketch? I want to have your child I want to have your baby I've already got a baby It's like yeah I want to have it I want to own the baby

And then they'd stare at each other for a second And then you start running Grab the baby. And then they'd stare at each other for a second and then he'd start running. Grab the baby. Out the door. I took it because I wanted to do a spell on him. I have yet to find somebody who can do this, but I haven't looked really. But I just thought if any spell, yeah,

if there's going to be a spell you can do on somebody, it's probably going to include the hair from their first haircut. I mean, it's good to have it just in case. It's like that's the best that's the best possible version surely like if i went to a witch the witch would probably be like you know what we can use any biological material but i'd be like what about this primo first haircut here and i'd be like whoa that's gonna be a good spell yeah she'd she'd have a little Do you think like a witch orgasms at good ingredients? Yeah. Starting a good spell starts with good ingredients.

You mean a tomato? You know when they say that? It starts with good ingredients. You go, oh yeah, like I got a tomato. Yeah, like when you get a really good tomato, you're just like, this is going to be fucking good. This is going to be so good. I can't wait to eat this salad.

Normally, no one says that. No. Ever. When you get good ingredients, you're like, I want to make a salad with this. But you can tell, right? So the thing is that you can tell when you get a good ingredient. You're a cooking guy.

Yeah. Yeah. But I go, good ingredient. Like, I can't look at a tomato and go, good, and then look at this one and go, not good. Because they both look like tomatoes. See, I can. Yeah?

But what is it that you're looking at? Redness? Red. Yeah? But what is it that you're looking at? Redness? Red. Yeah. How red? Smell? Do you love when you slice into a tomato and it's basically sort of just like whitey, grey, pink inside? No.

And it feels like it's basically icy. Yeah, that's not nice. But is it really? You know when they say that? Because I heard a guy talk about the water content in canned tomatoes and stuff like that, and then buying those $6 cans of tomatoes that have that, whatever that type of tomato is. San Marzano. Yeah, San Marzano.

And he's like, oh, wait, you see, you're getting more water in these ones, these non-San Marzano ones and things like that and stuff. And I was like, yeah, no, but you're just cooking it up. Thank you. You're just cooking it up. And he's like, oh, but these ones are more acidic. I go, you can just add sugar. Who is yeah no but you're just cooking that thank you you just cook it out you just cook it out and he's like oh but these ones are more acidic i go you can just add sugar who is this person that you put in a guy who is tomato paste i watch a lot of pointless youtube and this is a guy judging canned tomatoes he's commenting on it like that as well no i don't i can just cook it out you fucking cook it out just add sugar just add like acid to it if you want it

to be cool could you heckle the farmers of these tomatoes? Go to their thing And you watch them doing their work And the reason that they're doing it And you just go, I could just add some fucking sugar, you loser I thought you liked cooking I think that's it You want to do less cooking

I obviously love cooking more Because I'm actually cooking these tomatoes With terrible ingredients. Heckling trades? Is there something in there? I think it's a common idea, particularly for a stand-up comedian on stage, to sort of make the... What if I could heckle other people?

I think there was a... There might have been a late show sketch about that where Tony Martin goes down with a megaphone and heckles people at work. I'll just write down Tony Martin. Tony Martin goes down with a megaphone and heckles people at work. I'll just write down Tony Martin. Tony Martin. Just write down the late show, and that probably is good for like 200 sketches. That'll do us.

And we can just probably rap. Yeah. Some of them, though, I feel like you get in trouble for these days. The late show minus ones that you look back and go, you can't do that anymore. You don't think Rob Sitch playing Yasser Arafat is okay anymore? You're just doing this. With a literal tea towel on his head that people use to dry some plates?

You don't think? I think you're a racist for including that on your little. I've included. Luckily, I didn't actually write it down. I was just pretending. That was the sketch idea, me writing it down. The sketch count's gone up by like 100. Oh, wait.

Yeah. One, two, three, four. No, me writing it down. The sketch count's gone up by like 100. Oh, wait. Yeah, one, two, three, four. No, it's so accurate. That sketch number right now is spot on. You're achieving the levels of accuracy. Whoever's back there is just doing spectacular work. Probably Jason, probably Brian. It says here, let in my boys.

Do you think it's possible that we need to go to the front door and let in? Is that what that means? I'm not sure. No, it could be that they're just saying it and they're like, make sure. But Jackson has sent me a message saying that they are running a couple of minutes late. If you don't mind sticking around for a couple. I know because we tore you away from your parenting duties. They weren't awake when I left.

That's really nice. I'm just going to assume that they continue to sleep past their bed awake time um imagine if they just slept forever no i mean that would be sad yeah yeah sleeping beauty and just waiting for that's okay sleeping beauty sleeping ugly how about this when did she go to when did she go to sleep yeah did she go to sleep prior to the age of consent and did you then have to wait just like well don't don't touch her she's only she's 15 wait for the true love skis but it's just like yeah but when she's like 21 yeah wait for it again like like yeah age appropriate um i think that maybe that's what the whole story is about it is

a story about allowing people to live a bit of a life before you start treating them like objects of love. But I think there's still consent issues, regardless of whether or not, because she's asleep. I mean, yeah, that's... It's not okay. That's true. You know, I forgot about that.

Okay, so then what you do is then you have to go into her mind, sort of Inception style. This is just to make Sleeping Beauty okay. So first you wait until she's an appropriate age. So she's got to sleep for at least like 10 years or sort of seven years, something like that. And then you go in with Chris Nolan and you. You go in there and he keeps reminding you.

So Christopher Nolan, the director, the director comes in, not the actors in the movie. He reminds you what happens in the movie because it's been a while since you've seen it and he's the only one who can really explain it it's also like he went down into the Titanic he knows how to operate the technology I don't think Christopher Nolan went down to the Titanic

I'm getting you confused, James Cameron Christopher Nolan probably went as well and so then they go in and then they find go in and then they they find her consciousness and then they ask it but then they also they well how was she going to know they have to stay in there for a while and like raise her relationship raise her develop that relationship but then that's grooming you wouldn't want yeah no they'd have to go in after she's like of age yeah yeah and then they're like i want to introduce you to somebody but then it

would be like just blind dating like every every couple of days christopher nolan would bring somebody else in to be like i'm not really feeling this she's got to like start an actual relationship to be true love and i don't think you can have like a true love from like at first sight or like i don't think it's fated you have to get to know the person to be like i actually am in love with you and it would take a few weeks we We will write down Christopher Nolan's Sleeping Beauty. Okay, Inception. Okay, yeah. Christopher Nolan's...

I think, you know, his like elaborate... I think the idea of Christopher Nolan directing quite a straightforward fairy tale with just elaborate time and mind bending thing, which seems smarter than it is. I think it'd be great to see how he goes about it Tosh Greenslade you brought us to such a beautiful place at the end there

thank you for finding so many layers of consent that we could go through and make this an interesting sketch always thinking about consent loopholes loopholes that we can close up that's right alright I'm going to leave Tosh thank you so much for coming on loopholes that we can close up. That's right. Yeah. All right.

I'm going to leave. Tosh, thank you so much for coming on. Do you need to plug anything? What? I don't know. I don't know. Do you want to plug the ad agency you're working for? Do you want to plug any of the clients you've been advertising?

Hide my workplace. Oh, yeah. What you said. There's a corporate structure. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah., sorry Just me in general Come to my house

Come and see Tosh, he'll cook you some colostrum Lasagna So thank you so much And please welcome Joel Duescher And Jackson Bailey Yes Joel, I'm sorry your name wasn't on the festival poster Bailey! Joel, I'm sorry your name wasn't on the festival poster for the show.

I wasn't sure if we had actually booked you in. It wasn't clear on my communication. You didn't know which? Well, no, that is fair. We did all of our communications through a third pot. That sounds like a joke, but that happens. Yeah. It would be awesome if I just rolled it. I was like, yeah, I've got a third pod. That sounds like a joke, but that happens. Yeah. It would be awesome if I just wrote it.

I was like, yeah, I've got a manager now. Just me. Like, no one else to do a podcast with. For all your friends to go through as well? Like, are you ready for a podcast? That kind of stuff. If you get a manager, I would like you to share it. Like, can I use your manager this i'm i can't be bothered getting one myself i think my manager would be pissed off about that like you and your manager

and i'm like lending them out yeah i'm like oh actually can you manage jackson as well they'll be like fuck off that's like subletting yeah it's essentially like somebody getting a babysitter to have a night out and you're like hey can i bring my kids over to watch my kids while we're there as well like that and i'm already babysitting yeah you're already you're already like watching kids you're already doing it yeah more kids to the pile yeah that's like a manage like manager landlord you're the way you're the landlord of the manager yeah and i'm like renting them out yeah but then i'm paying for it but then you like look bad news you're paying me and you're the way you're the landlord of the manager yeah and i'm like renting them out yeah but then i'm paying for it but then you like look bad news you're paying me and you're paying me more and i'll never fix that manager's shower i think there's a lot of jobs that are

happening that you could probably squeeze in another employee or like if you're babysitting you could squeeze some other kids in there yeah looking after a dog that would be a good you know could be be a good app right a, could be a good app, right? A kind of Uber of babysitters, right? Like you put on the app, if you've already got a babysitter, right? Anyone can just come by and like you could just like get in on this, like ride share. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Like, hey, between the hours of 6 and 11 tonight, come to this address, drop off your kids. Yeah. I'm already babysitting one baby 16 year old naomi's already babysitting one of my kids may as well have 14 but then this would be like those um parties that get out of control the famous like parties get out of control like like a baby yeah like 400 uh toddlers have been left with a single babysitter babysitter goes on tv and is like this is a cory worthington reference for uh yeah that's good that's good i think it's incredible that we're still making cory worthington

references so iconic yeah we'll never stop i believe it's also good to do this at 8 a.m australian time on a a Saturday most of your audience will be from overseas and we are referencing a guy that was famous solely for having a party and going on

a daytime TV show and being like hey I'll say sorry for having the party but I'm not taking off my sunglasses nah it was cool it was great

because they're famous right yeah what about this baby crashes okay it's parents who show up to houses where they know there's a babysitter yeah the parents have gone and they dump their babies there that's that is good you come back before the parents get back take your

babies away again it's the perfect crime it is are you suggesting that you kind of trick the babysitter into thinking that the initial parents had more kids? Or maybe you say that it's okay you pretend to know the parents It's like yeah Dave or whatever. You just got like try and guess the name I do like this reverse heist though like dropping two kids off in the house Trying to convince the kids they already lived there Oh sorry Parents say we had like two kids we actually have four Yeah And then trying to convince the kids that they already lived there. Oh, sorry. This is your house. Did the parents say we had like two kids?

We actually have four. Yeah. Sneak them in through a window. The trouble there is that when you go to pick up those kids, because of the lie you've told the baby. You've got to then kidnap your own kids back. Ken, you can't kidnap your own kids. But she has to panic and be like, oh my god, two of the babies have gone!

Oh no, she's horrified. The parents come back, she's in tears. The police are there. I've lost two babies and you look at your two babies. Which babies? The babysitter lost their mind. What's happening here? This is a really good idea.

This is a whole film. Yeah, not only is this a good sketch idea I think we've actually pretty much just like Brainstormed an entire movie Should we call it cuckooing? Is it cuckooing? Yes Oh yeah baby cuckooing

This is baby dumping as well? Yeah it's baby dumping But it's like dropping off babies Great name for a baby This is a little baby dumping. Baby dumping, but it's like dropping off babies. Great name for a baby. It's just a little baby dumping. Dumping is a beautiful... It's a beautiful name for a baby. Yeah.

A little baby dumping. Sorry, I just noticed that you've got chat facing you. Yeah, but we're trying to look at it because it will just distract us, even though occasionally our eyes glance it, but it's hard. Look, I'll just point out one comment. Yeah.

Someone in chat whose name is Jet with two Ts knows who Corey Worthington is, and I think that's the most Jet-named person. If you were to guess the name of a person who knows who Corey Worthington is, we put you in a vat of goo. Connected up to all these supercomputers. Yeah. Jet knows who Corey Worthington is because they were at the party. Your eyes rolled back.

Are you serious? No, I don't know. Pure white eyes. Yeah, yeah. Jet! Jet! Jet! Or the computer started fizzing.

Yeah. So accurate. That's good stuff. Yeah, that's solid. Hey, how are you guys feeling? Because we've been here for five minutes and i'm very tired yeah we're going for two hours already yeah i just felt like lightning yeah remembering sketches from earlier on in the episode being like god that was so long today yeah um yeah episode 399 who knows 390 yeah i mean the fact that we've because the thing is that i woke

up this morning yeah and the feeling felt so familiar waking up at 5 a.m and being like i have to spend the day coming up with sketch ideas today and i was just like all right and the body just knows what to do it starts getting into the mode you can't have a bad day today hormones are squirting everywhere. It's like a new mode. It's like, you know, when a woman's about to give birth, the body is like,

now I know what to do. It's like it's never done it before in its entire life, but it's like, your mouth starts dilating to let the sketches out. Yeah. And right before we started,

Andy said, all right, your mouth's at 10 inches. The sketch ideas are ready to come out. Oh, yeah, actually. You are crowning. What about a podcast you give birth to? That's got me thinking. Every week you have to, if you want to listen to the podcast.

You have to give birth? Well, or maybe you have to. You have to give birth to the podcast. Or do you give birth to the podcast, or do you listen to it while you give birth? No, no, no. Do you play it in hospitals? So the podcast comes out.

A birthing podcast. Birthing podcast. That's a great idea. Play it in hospitals. Does it help? Is it? Well, nurses in Australia and probably worldwide are very under the pump. Surely you could probably swap out a nurse.

I'm not disrespecting their profession. Are you saying for a podcast? I'm saying that like. As their legs are there, I'm like, hey, profession, but I imagine. Are you saying for a podcast? I'm saying that like. As the legs are there, I'm like, hey, am I talking to the baby? Is it a podcast I'm doing with a birthing baby?

I mean, that's great because the idea is that like, if you had a podcast that could guide people through any situation, you know, there's a podcast for when you find yourself at the helm of a plane, you know, and the pilot has died and you don't know. And it just, you just put it on and go hey baby we're gonna be just fine welcome to this

here's one where it seemed like it wasn't instructions on how to land this is a stressful situation you'll get through you're listening to the to the to the to landing a plane podcast and there's all this fucking preamble before're listening to the to the to the landing a plane podcast and there's all this fucking preamble before they get to any of the details and then you're like the episode's called landing a plane but they hardly talked about landing a plane at all it's mostly just chat between these guys we're out of time we'll come back next year that's a landing a plane we'll get to landing a plane in just a moment, but we've got to talk about Harry's race. Oh, yes.

We've got to talk about today's sponsor. Plane crashed. Hey, if you're looking to join the Mile High Club, have you tried Manscaped? You're very good at this. You're a professional podcaster. The way you worked that in there, it was incredible to watch i look i know you said it in a kind way but anytime someone refers me to as a professional podcaster

lost like 10 years of my life flashed behind and i'm like where did i go wrong it is a humiliating thing to say to people when someone's like what do you do for work and i'm like i've racked this relationship just another part a layer of the ego withers and dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I just need to double check if are you guys close enough to the mic. Just asking the people. I apologize.

I can sit like this. And I can just move this. I can hunch forward. That's fine. I'm sorry. Just because I don't know. No, I don't mind. I mean, people say something, but they haven't said anything.

An ATV birth podcast has to be called Pusher. There you go. Thank you very much Robin Nice Jack needs to Okay I'll go like this That's all good I mean I love

I love a podcast With a bit of depth anyway Yeah There's one person close There's one person far away What did that person say? Tax credit Yeah yeah

You know like that's something Like a music producer would do Would be like You know what We'll put the drums A little bit further back We'll put the sax right up front Yeah

Peace it out. I mean, like, podcasts are parasocial. I'm, like, every time I go to say, like, a word where I have to remember it, it's really hard today. Anyway, yeah, podcasts are parasocial experiences. So having a bunch of depth, then, like, it's not like you're listening to people talk. It's like you're standing in the middle of it and they're talking around you. How far away do you reckon is too far away to be part of a conversation?

If I was on the other side of this room, could I still be part of the conversation? What is the eavesdropping threshold? You know what I think it is? Eavesdropping horizon. You're outside of a conversation if you're the exact distance that somebody, and this is, sorry, I'm going a long distance for this. If you're the distance away

from a counter, like a cafe, where somebody would no longer ask you, are you in line? Oh, I see. That should be a unit of measurement. Yeah, because I definitely have been asked within probably 15 meters away

that's that's that's on the person that asked what the fuck yeah yeah no and i agree really great so you're in the middle of a forest okay you're you're on a four-day hike sorry somebody somebody with their their credit card nervously out comes up and says, sorry, are you in line? Have you ordered? Have you ordered? Yeah, yeah. Write that down. Yeah, yeah, okay. Forest. Write that down.

I was thinking, did you say something about midwives earlier? I feel like the word midwife was his name. I was referring to midwives. I was like, midwife? Why am I midwife? Yeah. I want a max wife. Yeah, max wife.

You know? How am I getting just this mid one? Yeah. I want the full deal Full wife experience As wife as humanly possible I mean that's It's a great You know this feels like

A sort of a tech bro Kind of thing They're like Well we're gonna We're revolutionizing The wife Yeah yeah The birthing wife industry

By just giving you Like tears Getting to have A max wife Ultra super wife A freemium industry by just giving you tears. Getting to have a max wife, ultra super wife. A freemium? Midwife gold?

Midwife gold. We've pumped her full of vitamins and stuff like that. This is the strongest midwife in the world. And she's on mushrooms right now, so she has higher perceptual. She's going to reach in there and pull out the baby smoothly. No issue.

You won't even need to push. That's our guarantee. No push guarantee. No push guarantee. No push guarantee. No push, no pay. You push, you push. You push, you pay.

If the muscle contracts, it's free. You push, no pay. Yeah, you push, no pay yeah you push no pay yeah yeah which sounds what about this it's our no contract contract it doesn't actually sound as good as it not like it i mean the idea that i like your response yeah the idea that like they would go, look, you're Jew. Yeah. Right? You're Jew on this day.

We're going to come a week before and we are going to – this midwife has got the thinnest hands. She is going to slip in, grab the baby, and she knows exactly how to wiggle. She's done it before. She's done this. She's a professional. With one hand on the small of your back. That's right. One hand inside. If the baby was about to come in

foot first, she flips him in. She dilates you herself through cervix massage. You won't even notice it. It's like you're somewhere else. You'll be just listening to your birthing podcast. Hey, welcome to this

week's episode of You're Giving Birth. So, how are ya? You're the birth boy. What's up, birthers? I honestly think my voice is the last thing anyone giving birth wants to hear. Oh, yeah. I think the sound of an active volcano erupting probably slightly higher than me you know that thing you know that thing of playing like mozart to babies in the womb how do you feel about

somebody playing plumbing the death star i think it would baby it would make your baby look i think a clown would come out you'd give birth to a little baby clown and the doctor would say, I'm so fucking sorry. Well, I think the doctor, it would be so obvious what had happened. The doctor would be like, no, this is on you.

I think you played your baby. You played the wrong podcast. You're meant to play the birthing podcast. You're playing Plumbing the Death Star. I mean, like somebody giving a presentation about the,

they've done a research paper on the effects of playing podcasts to babies and then he has examples of babies that have come out the babies are all there the real babies the real babies they never grew up this one hasn't grown at all

it's just stayed a baby the clown that wants to kill himself Pugly Archie Pugly Archie that's a sad clown Plumbing the Death Star example, the clown that wants to kill himself. Pagliacci. Pagliacci. That's his name, right? That's a sad clown. Yeah.

I mean, it'd be great if Pagliacci had an alternative history, sort of like, you know, Inglorious Bastards. Oh, yeah. You know, they revision it. A lot of Inglorious Bastards-based ideas. I mean, no, no. We've had a lot of men, children of men-based ideas. No, but there's been a couple of Inglorious... All right. Well,, no, no. We had a lot of men, children of men-based ideas. No, but there's been a couple of Englanders. All right.

Well, this one, it's just we're re-envisaging. You're on fire. We're looking at the life of Paliachi. And we're re-envisaging. Re-envisaging. Yeah, but him happy the whole time. Oh. But there is still that scene, that famous scene where he goes to the doctor.

And he says, doctor. He says, oh, there's a clown, Pagliacci, in town. What's Pagliacci going for? Why is the doctor bringing that up? He's got a bum knee. He's got an ACL. He tore his ACL. Oh, yeah.

A clown doing their ACL is so funny. What, you were running and changed direction as a clown? Yeah. And somehow, because now Pagliacci has led such a beautiful life, he goes, well, the clown Pagliacci is in town. And he knows basic first aid. Because he's actually very well educated

and he's done pre-med and he says doctor this is actually so funny because actually I am Bugliacci and also basic first aid doesn't fix an ACL doctor

what the fuck am I paying you for I'm a clown but I've come to clearly clown MD and then the doctor goes I am so depressed I'm sorry clown, but I've come to clearly clown MD. And then the doctor goes, I am so depressed. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Doctor kills himself. In the checkup. Yeah. Right there in the checkup. And that turns the life of the- That's when he becomes sad. I made my doctor kill himself. My life ruled so much that my doctor killed him that would upset me

fair enough for my life rule less i reckon yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure um sure i had a thought yesterday i'm writing something else while speaking that's impressive i mean because we've discovered just a few moments ago that you can't even speak yeah i know i know that's incredible um i had a thought yesterday that was so Jackson Bailey and I was going to tweet at you but then I thought well this feels like I'm going to talk to you tomorrow it feels like it's definitely

something that you've spoken about this could be deeply insulting be careful be very careful I'm excited that was a little sad but big not that's you yeah I've discovered your true essence and I'm about to reveal it to you right now I'm so excited very careful. I know, but that was a little sad, but big knots. That's you, yeah? I've discovered your true essence, and I'm about to reveal it to you right now. I'm so excited.

Okay, it was, if you were hooking up with a centaur... Okay, no, whatever's coming next is right. I feel like it's a... It feels definitely okay for the centaur to blow you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what happens if you're at the top or even the bottom

and you're having sex with, like, the horse body? Suddenly it doesn't feel so okay. I think because it goes horse back and then human back, you're okay. If the human part of the centaur is bending down to eat grass or something. Does the centaur still eat grass? They're like a horse.

Do they graze? How? They go... Core strength. Surely they'd eat from like a fucking tree. Well, if they're eating from... Just what I'm imagining. If you'll let me get to it.

Picture him eating a bowl of spaghetti. Okay, if there's a bowl of spaghetti on the ground. Why is it on the ground? A salario I'm describing. Happy Pagliacci made it for him. So you get the horseback. There's a person that comes out of the horseback like this. A scenario I'm describing Epipaliachi made it for him If the So you get the horseback Yeah yeah

There's a person that comes out of the horseback like this And then you're like There's a person So what So I'm fucking a horse pussy Whatever But if the person part Is bending down

It's kind of like you're fucking a horse So as in like you can't So you can't do it to the horse You can't see the human back yeah can't do it to this the centaur while it's eating spaghetti yeah exactly otherwise it's fine if you can see the human back you're in the clear yeah yeah yeah there should be a rhyme for this yeah if you can see the human back baby you're on track yeah nice if only horse you see you're way off course so okay so it's just but so the fact that you're you know you're having sex with a sort of non-human yeah but it's about the having the

human mind yeah exactly absolutely but i think it's okay i think it's fine i think it's like a kind of you know yeah it was a period of about i'm to say six years of my life, where Jackson would at random burst into rooms and say, hey, if I had a gun that I shot at a dog and I turned the dog into a person, could you have sex with it? And I was like, I'm choosing not to engage. It's an interesting mental thought, I think. It's a mental thought. If you get a gun that made a dog into a person

full person no dog left but it's like a dog person Hang on If it's a full person and there's no dog left it's not a dog person Does it have a human consciousness? Yes

Does it have human memories like a replicant in Blade Runner? It remembers being a dog. It remembers being a dog. Until it became a human. That's the interesting bit for me. But then does it not speak English? But it would understand the English that it knows that it's learning as a dog.

It speaks dog, but you can probably teach it English. Yeah, okay. So it's a sort of a kind of nonverbal human. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That remembers being a dog and barks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it looks like a dog Got a snout and stuff but a humanoid body

Oh right I don't understand why you think that Because you say no to this question Jackson's like what do you mean Why not I think you've got to wait 18 years or whatever I think the simple answer is You go into it's mind with Christopher Nolan.

And you're going to wait for it to, we were in here for this sketch. This is a story back to when we walked in the room. Yeah, that's right. Wow. I mean, I was trying to time my references perfectly for you. Yeah, yeah. You nailed it. I think it would be great.

I think you need to talk about this with Christopher Nolan. I think I do. I think that's the only way to find the right answer. The right way to do it. I think, yeah. That's the only way to find the right way to do it. I think you definitely have to wait until the dog is... They've got to experience being a human for some time. That's right. And then make sure that they understand

language. This is basically the plot of the fifth element, right? Yes, it's true. What's her name? Was an alien sort of turtle. She's a turtle. They looked quite turtly. They're in this big sort of... I don't remember that bit.

I don't remember this either, but her name is... She's one of these aliens who's in a huge, like, they've got a huge exoskeleton. They're really slow, lurching alien things. The only bit that's left over after she's killed is a hand. They take it to some science thing. It's this huge alien thing. The only bit that's left over after she's killed is a hand. They take it to some science thing. It's this huge alien hand. They take it to some science thing.

They analyze the DNA and they use this thing to rebuild a woman's body. Yeah. From this alien's hand. Now she's a full woman body. Right. But she is like until, you know, a day ago or whatever was an alien. Turtle. I don't remember any of that bit.

It's incredible. I just remember the stones. I remember the... Do you remember Aziz Light? No, but I remember... Aziz Light! I do remember that. It's a great line. It's a really good bit. I think it's my favourite.

I remember when Bruce Willis falls on a taxi. No. Bruce Willis is driving the taxi. Doesn't he? Oh, no. Leeloo falls on a taxi. I remembered wrong. Yeah.

But that's okay. I interchange those two as well. Bruce Willis and Mila Djokovic. It's set in a sort of sci-fi future where we've all got flying cars in that world, but it's like there's so many cars. I don't know how they're keeping track of any of that. A car crash when you're flying a car is death for everyone. An airbag's not going to help you out there.

That's the main problem, and I think the reason why we're probably never going to have proper flying cars. And it doesn't seem like a good idea. There's so many more ways you can crash and then when you crash you're more likely to die. Yeah, exactly. Unless we can just have like a thing where you just, when you fall you can somehow always be safe.

Something always stops you. Soft earth. Yeah. Okay. Airbag earth. Airbag earth. Like an anti-gravity mission. Airbag earth. Well, is it like an airbag where when you impact the ground, the airbag comes out sending you flying? But that's okay, because when you land a second time, the same thing happens.

That earth is just going to be full of awesome guys. Should the airbags be on our faces? Oh, that's smart. But then you've got to really angle when you fall out of your flying car, head first to the ground. You want to land head first. You've got to. This is the fall out of your flying car. Head first. You want to land head first. This is the first time in history you want to land.

So wait, it's just a head airbag? Yeah, on the top of your head. The top of your head? You've got to pinwheel. You've got to land directly on it. Right on the top of the head. And then as the airbag inflates, your neck just drops. And you go bouncing into the sky. I think what it's got to be is the airbag's got to sense when you're go bouncing into the sky. I mean,

I think what it's got to be is the airbags got to sense when you're about to hit the ground. Yeah. And this, I mean, this is, this is cool. This would be quite fashionable.

This is instead of bike helmets. Yeah. It's a little thing that you strap under your chin. And then there's what looks like a sort of little pilaf pastry or something that sits up there. And it senses when you're like, you know, a meter and a half or whatever from the ground inflates and then you want it to deflate really quickly as well to absorb that true so you don't it doesn't act like food ground yeah yeah

what if you had on the top of your head and it impacted something at a high speed wouldn't break your neck. Jelly or? Well, I think. Yeah, a foam of some kind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because surface tension is the problem. And unfortunately, jelly still has that. Still has surface tension, yeah.

You know what I was thinking? Although just to finish this idea of yours, I think that this is a guy who is, he's now, he's the face of flying car okay flying car industry he's just selling this as like this is gonna make it possible and now suddenly I've convinced governments and now flying cars are allowed because we got this thing but my other idea is what we do is we make thicker air to reduce terminal velocity. That's what it says. Impact speed. What does it feel like to breathe thick air?

Well, we just... That's awesome. It's a bit like that liquid that they want you to breathe in the abyss. Yeah, that's right. That liquid oxygen. Didn't they make a liquid oxygen? This could be a lie. And they put a rat in it.

Yeah. And they put the rat... This is... It's the way you say the word rat. Yeah. Makes me think, yeah, this is a lie. They put a rat in a tank. They put a rat in there.

Yeah. They had a tank in the liquid air. They had a tank. They had a rat. They put the rat in the tank. You sound like a buffoon. The rat could breathe, but it was struggling, but it could breathe in the liquid air.

At first there's that struggle because it's like, I'm drowning, liquid's going into my lungs, and then it just reminds you of being in the back of the sack. Oh. Back in the sack. Back in the sack. Breathing. I mean, I don't think you're actually breathing the liquid,

but you got liquid in your lungs. You're loving it. You're breathing through your tube. Oh, yeah. I mean, unless we just give everybody a tube. Bring back the tube. Bring back the tube, dude. I mean, if we got rid of oxygen in the air.

I mean, for the flying car situation, you could just be tubed up to the car. Then if you fall out, it's like a bungee jump. But if the car also falls. Yeah, that is a problem. But then what we have is we have a mesh a mesh that's catches cars yeah that's that's yeah it's it's small enough to catch a car big enough that a person can fall unless of course they hit one of the wires yeah sure yeah yeah but that's what that could happen yeah but that's what the extra padding on your neck everybody wears prevent decapitation because that's what the extra padding on your neck. Does it prevent decapitation?

Because that will be the problem. I mean, it's a very rounded off. There's pads on the sides. It's padding. It's padding. Thank God for the mesh. I guess. I guess.

Crashing a car currently does have risks. I guess you're allowed to have some risk for flying. That's true. We can't remove all risks. Yeah. You go, oh, like that, and the car goes, oh. What are the chances? Really high.

Because the car can't move like 80%. Because the car can't go through the mash. You're just trapped under it forever. It's not like you're falling down. That's awesome. This is the thing I always think about when I'm on a plane. Why don't we hear any... They're always like,

and this is what you're going to do if we land in the water and all that kind of stuff. Why don't we ever hear any stories about people surviving a plane crash on the wall like why are we bothering with this charade like it's never worked it's never come into play there are no good you've never met anyone in your life that's like oh yeah every time or you've seen in the news you never see photos of people surviving a very famous example of Sully, my hero. Alright, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Miracle on the Hudson. Killed all those birds. That's why he's my hero. He wiped out so many birds so quickly. I can only dream of doing that. Standing in my backyard, fuck you birds! Waiting for them to come close enough

so you can... Swimming into birds. Waiting for them to come close enough so you can... Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Sully's... Swerving into birds. Some geese. I'm just like my hero. This is the great expose of the Sully miracle on the Hudson. We go back, we find some old footage,

and we see he actually swerved to hit the birds and then you find old posts of his like i fucking hate geese like geese hater for life i'm gonna kill geese with my plane and then land in the hudson if you're in the sky tomorrow when you're reading this stay home if you're reading this, stay home. If you're a goose, all other birds stay home. I'm especially talking to you, brown sparrow. I love you guys. This unfortunately isn't a sketch idea, but it is something very quickly that I want to get out that I find so funny.

So Sully lands it. I wonder if there are any animal rights people who are anti-Sully. He did kill those skittles. We should have put him in jail when he was put on trial for landing in a river. He's weird. He didn't kill him? Yeah. He had to go on trial and be like, yeah.

Well, you can't land a plane in a river on purpose, I guess. I think that movie made it much more competitive combative than it actually was and i think it was basically like a hearing to be like so what happened how can we stop this happening but they were like let's make it where they're trying to get this guy for saving all these people alive that's a story we had two and a half million people attempt the maneuver of eating birds and landing in the river no one could do it something suspicious sully yeah real quick speaking of the movie sully yeah i find it so funny that sully lands in the river in real life then they make the film flight which is like a way

crazier fictional yeah yeah a guy that's loves drugs and hanging out and rocking out and then a thing goes wrong on the plane and he lands a plane upside down yeah sick uh and like this is a real movie so this movie's called denzel yeah and john goodman oh great cast yeah ridiculous film but that comes out before the actual retelling of sully as the film so i remember watching flight and being like that was fucking crazy then seeing sully and just not being impressed even though that one was real yeah yeah i hope the real sully had the same experience he would see flight in the cinema and he was like my story is dog shit is it impressive what he did yeah i mean like because people land a plane in the sea all the time i like i like where you're going with this come on because people land a plane in the sea all the time right and a river is like a wet

runway yeah people land a plane in a runway all the time, right? And a river is like a wet runway. That's true. And people land a plane in a runway all the time. There's river boats, river planes. And every single flight prepares us for landing in the water. He just did the thing you're meant to do in that situation. Thank you. I completely agree. Is he a hero?

I don't think so. He's just a guy. Did you think if he wasn't a hero, he would have just crashed the plane into the ground or something yeah exactly he's a normal pilot i love the idea of sully truthers he's just a guy uh geese are actually not able to destroy engine blades geese geese Geese bodies, cards, damaged jet engines. I think if you ever see Sully in the street, you should go up to him, give him a big high five,

and be like, hey, man, huge fan. Love the way you killed those geese. Don't mention. You got one in for us. You got one in for us humans. Groundies. I had one chase me last week. One of those us. Yeah. One in for us here, but it's groundies. I had one chase me last week. One of those fucking assholes.

If I could sully you right now, if I had a Boeing right now, I'll tell you what. You're lucky I don't have a Boeing. I'd be like, bam. And I could get one. I could get one. I know sully. I know sully. Sully's my cousin and he'll be here.

Say goose. I know suully's my cousin And he'll be here Say ghost I know Sully Okay I'm really intrigued by You said hay five there Instead of a high five Hay five What's a hay five?

I think you both say hay At the same time And somehow it becomes percussive It's like a hay maker in boxing Okay that's different It's a It's a A high five with a KO

So you just high five someone's hand? No, I think you high five their hand so hard it knocks them unconscious. I go into every high five, I treat it as a combat situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a combat situation. I'm going in for wind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to come out on top. I imagine that like, you know, there's, you know, like when people are doing fighting, there's like buttons in your jaw where if you hit it in the right spot, it knocks you out. There's probably buttons everywhere,

but you just gotta, it's just, you gotta hit harder. You just gotta hit the right place at the right speed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so the hand, it's probably just, you gotta be going a certain velocity. We're very lucky that most high fives don't end in a concussion. That's right, yeah.

I mean, I think an acupressure specialist, you know, some kind of guru, maybe a master. It's funny to meet somebody who's like, oh, I'm an acupunctureure specialist, you know, some kind of guru, maybe a master. It's funny to meet somebody who's like, oh, I'm an acupuncture, and you're like, stay away. Yeah, yeah. No high fives. My body is like a video game controller to you. Don't touch me. High five comes in, and he's like.

No, no, no. No, that's a concussion high five. Like that. And you've got like a, yeah, you've got like a different personality. Howdy. Yeah, that's right. High five

and acupuncture. Don't high five and acupressure. Now, I'm just a big city postman with a southern accent of a small town lawyer.

Due to an acupressure. High five with me. I used to be a normal man. That's why I've taken you to court. You think that because of overpopulation, small-town lawyers are under pressure? I think so. They're under threat.

They're going to become extinct. And, you know, urban expansion. Yeah. Well, when the small town goes, so does the small town lawyer. That's true. That is sad. Yeah. Do you think we could make a sanctuary for them or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Set up a kind of fake court that they could, you know, sort of while at the end of their days. Exactly. Sort of winning court cases. Litigating. Litigating, yeah. I think so.

Well, I guess maybe, okay, so you set up like a fake court. Yeah. Okay, so every time I say fake something, I immediately think of fake taxis. Okay. What's fake taxis? A pornographic website or a series, I suppose, where I'm having sex with a taxi. Yeah. Actually, a man.

Like Zeus. He's like, oh, this is one of those guys that loves fucking a car. I'm going to turn myself into a beautiful... I'm going to become the sexiest car you can imagine. The taxi. Okay, I like this fake taxi too idea, but rather than getting into the... So, for anyone that's unfamiliar, it's pornographic material where the setup is

everyone's always incredibly cockney. Yeah, yeah, for some reason. It's very British, i don't know why yeah it's yeah it's also look no offense to british people but seeing seeing a cockney accent in pornography it is one of the least sexy accents very distracting do they use rhyming slang honestly i would not be shocked yeah so it's usually like someone gets in their cab and they're like, oh, no, I don't have any money for the fare. And then the cab driver will be like, driver?

Yeah, the cab driver. Yeah, go on. They're like, oh, that's all right, love. I reckon we can sort something out. You got a lovely pair of norgs. That's what it's like. Anyway, that's fake taxi. But fake taxi too, someone has sex with a taxi.

What about fake airplane? Fake airplane. The pilot's up the front. How does this your pilot? All the passengers come out. But then as the, because this is, I guess, in the past, where the steward is going down checking people's tickets, nobody has a ticket.

Oh, no. The pilot says, okay, I reckon we can sort something. Maybe they say it's mid-flight and he says, Hi, this is your pilot speaking. I've just been informed that the passenger in seat 7C has not paid their fare. But I think we can sort something out. I think it's funnier if it's the whole plane.

So then it becomes a crossover with another beloved pornographic company, Bang Bus. Oh, the Bang Plane. Bang Airbus. Bang Air plane on the way to the flight bus is a manufacturer of air fuck Jesus Christ nothing you're thinking the cyber the dumbest piece of billion dollar company. Jesus Christ, dude. Are you not? There are two major aircraft manufacturers.

That's right, you can redeem yourself. We're talking commercial jets. I don't fucking know, dude. Answer the question. But you gotta admit, the guy who named Airbus is probably one of us. Yeah, he's just like one of these. I'm a fucking idiot. There's a bus in the sky. Sky boat.

You know, he would have been doing a podcast if it was like 40 years later. He would have just been like, he was lucky. What was the guy who called it Boeing thinking? Boeing. Like the sound that it makes when it hits the ground. thinking. Like the sound that it makes when it hits the ground. I'm going to probably just start this and claim it as a fact

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Product availability varies by region. See app for details. responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Boeing because it was the sound that his dick made. He invented it and he realized how much money he'd make. Oh, okay. Wait, he just finished inventing the jet, passenger jet. And then he was like, you're going to make so much money. And he was like, boing. And they're like, that's a great name. they're like that's a great name did he did they say it's a great yeah and an erection sound of it or did he say so he didn't say boing now it's a rare erection noise but it does happen it is one of the rarest i got a follow-up question

was it standing against the hull that would yeah turkey's not making a plane bruised i don't think anyone's ever done that before they called the airline company bruised knob hey we should call it that and then we cut cut to the plane taking off we see the logo on the side bruised knob that's the yeah that's like a real butterfly effect. It was just like they focused on the action rather than the noise. Yeah, we're flying Bruce Knob Airways. That's what will be happening. Yeah, so this is the Boeing name.

Booze Knob? The Bruce Knob Dreamliner. That's exciting. That's exciting. Was that an Airbus? The Airbus is A380. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so.

Boeing 747. Jackson trying to pass it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds right. Do you know what a fucking plane is, dude? It's like a boat for the sky, kind of. He's seen a plane. You invent one of the most revolutionary

transport technology of all time yeah you're able to um give man mastery of the skies like birds yeah we've dreamed of since time immemorial you go to your friend what should we call it plane plane just plain it's just plain well because it's got to be one syllable like boat and car yeah also to name it like because you's got to be one syllable like boat and car Yeah Also to name it like, because you're referring to like the other meaning of plane as well Yeah Yeah, that's Yeah, yeah, yeah

I mean, you wish you'd have called it extravagant Yeah Arrow extravagant I always think it's kind of It kind of feels like we're limited in the kinds of places we can have transport do you know what i mean not at all yeah like it feels like we go really only like there should be on the water on the ground yeah or in the sky it feels like there should be more there's space i guess yeah but that's i mean spaces i mean i guess i wouldn't even count that underground yeah there's the dirt

one that you know we only see in like Ninja Turtles and in The Incredibles. The Incredibles 2. Yeah, like a mole, like with a drill at the end. You want to, is that good? Well, I just. I do want that. You want a boss that's a drill? Yeah.

Travel underground? No traveling? I want to be able to go through the mantle. Yes. See what's down there. Fast. Really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think once that, once we get. I think you're's down there. Fast. Really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think once that, once we get

I think you're going to want to go through it fast because it's going to be quite hot. Yeah, yeah. Do like a pneumatic tube thing, like how they used to send messages to each other. Thunk. Through the earth. Thunk. It's hot for a bit, but you're so quick you don't even notice. You just get a tan. No, but I think Alistair wants to drill. I think you want a uniquely

drilled hole every time you travel. But yeah, that's what will happen for the first 50 years. And then, you know, scientific reports will come out and they go, the holes in the mantle are actually a huge structural problem. Yeah, it's heating the atmosphere. It's also like, you know, it's ruining the structure of the earth. But we won't be able to stop. No, because, well, at that

point it'll have entered the private sector. You'll have a private drill. They'll be vested in, you know. I think that there would also be another problem, which would be that I think ants would get bigger. They'd have big holes to get. Yeah, ants are like goldfish. It's just like the size of the place they are. That determines the size of the place.

I mean, you know, there should be those giant sloths that would create those caves. that's just like the size of the place they are. That determines the size of the place. Yeah. You know, there used to be those giant sloths that would create those caves. They might come back. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, if there's going to be big holes in the ground. Why do you worry if you've got big holes anyway? I'll come looking from non-existent.

I don't exist anymore, but maybe it's time for a comeback. I mean, peeking in from non-existence. What are they pulling? Is that the fabric of reality? That's right. Yeah, that's right. Ready for an encore, boys? Beyond the veil, with the veil aside.

Changing the earth to when things that went extinct. Okay, that sentence got away from me. Yeah. Changing the structure of the earth to recreate environments of when the animals went extinct in hopes that they peek behind the veil. I was watching a video about... If you build it, they will come to extinction. I was watching a video about the extinction of the dinosaurs

and all of the theories that went up to our current understanding. And there was a guy whose genuine belief was the environment just changed and it was no longer survivable for dinosaurs. But if it changed back, the dinosaurs would come back. That was genuinely his scientific belief. Because it was sailing okay up until halfway through. He never gave an explanation. He was like,

it's a reversible process. It's like freezing water. You just freeze it again. Yeah, exactly. The dinosaurs will come back. I feel like you're the kind of guy who would have his own theories about what happened to the dinosaurs.

I came and fucked them to death. I don't know. I think, well, yeah. Because what's the current theory? An asteroid? Current theory. Current theory. What are they saying these days?

An asteroid and then maybe volcanoes too were part of it. Yeah, I don't know about the volcanoes. Yeah. But for a while, people didn't even believe in the idea of extinction. But I guess it kind of makes sense. If before you knew about extinction, someone was like, whole species can just go. Yeah, but you'd be like, that's absurd. You could prove it to people like that's absurd you could prove it you could be like all right you don't believe

in extinction okay let's go kill all the crabs that's a tough one that's a bad one because they get under rocks and stuff yeah literally you don't you might miss some yeah yeah yeah yeah did you guys know that there was a tortoise that was the last of its species recently? They named it Lonesome George. Yeah, I was thinking about Lonesome George yesterday. Yeah, that's awesome. That's so rude.

That's so rude to call him Lonesome George. But then I think after he died, they found another one. I'd have called him Lucky George. No, that makes him more lonesome in death, I reckon. Yeah, that's true. Did they name the new one lonesome? Whatever its name was. Does that, yeah.

I could be wrong about this, but I think, you know, because it's Galapagos Islands, obviously, and there are unique tortoises to each island. Yeah. And I think they then found some of those tortoises on one of the other islands and were like, I guess some sailors dropped some of the tortoises off on a different island.

That's awesome and would be such an embarrassing day for scientists. I mean, they would be excited because they're like, yeah. There's more Georges. They would have been like, we spent so long hauling this tortoise. Making fun of this tortoise.

So lonely. Oh, George, no friends. Your family's dead, dickhead. Everybody. I'm going to shake you. I like to picture those scientists that had picked up those turtles on the first island. I don't think they were scientists. I think they were whalers and seal people who were like eating them.

Yeah, right. And then they picked them up and then they're like, their eyes are too big for their stomach. And then their eyes are too big for their stomach. Their eyes are too big for their ship. And then they get to the next island and they go, there's other tortoises here. We could have a variety of tortoises on the way home. Make a tortoise salad. And then they're like, alright, we'll drop a tortoise

lard off. And then we'll go grab some of these ones, get some of the ones with the red shell. And they look like they're going to be spicy. What is the sketch idea here? Maybe you got one island and you're going to put every animal you ever want to eat on it.

It's like a... Buffet island. It's like an island pantry. Island pantry. Yeah, you just grow all your carrots and beans and tortoises. That could be the guy's plan.

He was just like trying to put like, you know to do a little bit of Noah's Ark Island. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eventually he could come back. Noah's Park. Noah's... That doesn't work. It sounded good, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He said it like he'd discovered something. Noah's Park. Noah's Culinary Park. And he comes back. And what he was planning was a mutiny on all the other everybody, like a full boat mutiny. One guy knocks everybody off.

And then he was just gonna get the dog back. Back up to the island, open up the back, get all the animals. Time for daddy to eat get a grill go onto the beach set it up

get her burn and get the coals nice and hot like that and then grill and then he goes and starts

every animal grill the whole island could you do eventually yeah grill the whole island yeah great grill the island from beneath cook yeah great grill the island

from beneath cook everything standing on the island yes I mean they're volcanic there's basically you know you're on the way

I like I like the idea of a one man mutiny yeah and you know sort of like the opposite you know normally

you'd put the one captain in the in the little dinghy and you'd push him off but at the end everybody else is in the little dinghy and you'd push him off but at the end everybody else is in the little dinghy i guess the captain or somebody else is like that's everybody in the dinghy looking at that guy being like damn well the one guy to pilot a boat what's he gonna do the boat just circling

in the ocean but it's cool that he got them all in there yeah he did I mean, he was convincing. You have to make, like, I think a one-man mutiny is also like 50 mutinies at once. Yeah. If that makes sense. That's how you do it. Yeah. Plus a mutiny at a time, baby. Oh, because then you use the team to help you. Yeah.

You keep installing a new leader, and then you start sowing in the seeds of a new mutiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like essentially mutiny judo. Yeah. You use the strength of a new mutiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like essentially mutiny judo. Use the strength of the boat against itself. I just like the idea of being like, to someone, hey, we should have a mutiny. They agree.

You do the mutiny on the captain. Yeah. And then you're like, to that person you've just made an ally with, you should be the new captain. And then immediately walk off and like, hey, we should mutiny this guy. Yeah. Because anybody who knows that you

had a hand in it you mutiny them yes that's true and so all the evidence is going oh he made us do it and I go my hands are clean I've done nothing I thought you were going to be like you get like hey we should mutiny the captain you mutiny the captain the captain's like

who's planning this mutiny you're like I got no idea probably this guy this guy was talking heaps about mutinying I don't know and then when you're like he thought of it and everybody's like well if you thought of it

you should be the new captain like that and then he's like you're inceptioning it in there it takes a lot of confidence I think to start a mutiny like you gotta be

really confident socially to be like I know you love the captain me too but like I reckon you love me more yeah yeah especially yeah to get yourself up there yeah but i think to like to just sow the seeds you can just need to be like a like a like just bitching a bit you know yeah yeah a bit and then just be like man this guy would be like hey i have another captain

didn't make a swab the decks oh yeah did you ever notice like the food was better yeah like i'm eating a lot of worms with this hard tack. You know, last year not so much. Obviously, I love the captain. Dude, love the captain. Captain's awesome. But like,

how much did it suck when he made us eat worms? Okay, that's a fair reason to mutiny. Like he swapped like spaghetti noodles with worms and he was making

a set of bolognese. It's funny that it just is spaghetti. Oh, man, he's making us eat worms. I know that we love the guy, and it was a bit of a joke or whatever, but he made us eat worms. We should mute now. We should mute now. We should mute now. I mean, should we?

No, maybe not. You never say the words mute. You're just like, man, what should we do about the captain? Is there a thing you can do if you don't like your captain? I'm trying to think. Hang on. I guess you just dissatisfaction. That's the only thing coming to mind. Captain like a thing you can do if you don't like your captain Trying to think hang on I guess you just dissatisfaction. That's the only thing coming to mind. Yeah, I guess it's nothing you live with it Is that all that it's all of us, you know, like the big big powerful group

Yeah, probably just all gonna have to live with it. There's no decision that we can make It's funny if the person you're talking to is very stupid and they don't take the back Oh, yeah, we will just have to live with it and then you're just like oh i think there was like one might be something we could do hang on i found this dictionary uh do you just want to like just i don't know maybe flip through to m see if anything pops out m you mud would be good i'd love to have a meal of Mutt. I picked the wrong guy to plan my mutiny with. Yes, Captain, we want more Mutt.

Okay, if that's going to help morale. Next island, I want us to pick up all the stray dogs. And then we're going to be eating Mutt for the rest of the week. and then we're going to be eating mutt for the rest of the week. If I get voted as school president, I will

make sure that there is a vending machine full of all the mutt you can eat. If you vote for me for school captain, I will eat the school dog. Yay! I would vote for that person. This maniac's going to eat the school dog.

Principal's like holding the dog by the leash, sweating. Don't vote for this guy. I will eat that dog. After saying that he's like, they love the dog eating stuff. That's when he's like, I'm going to start pushing this mutt. All the mutt anyone can eat. Everybody, every day, mutt. Mutt, mutt, mutt, mutt, mutt.

School captain, mutt. Yeah. This has been delightful. Thank you. Hey, any time. Thank you. You've carried us a long way. Yeah. school captain Mutt yeah this has been delightful thank you hey anytime likewise thank you

you've carried us a long way yeah when I look back on the path of my life and I see wow only

two sets of footprints because you guys were piggybacking us or getting a piggyback yeah or getting a piggyback so you allowed us to press on

yeah against your back yeah thank you thanks for that yeah well thanks so much Yeah, I'll get a good piggyback. So you allowed us to press our testicles against your back. Yeah. Thanks for that. Yeah, it's nice. Well, thanks so much for having us. Would you guys like to promote anything?

So we both host a video game podcast. And that sounds like it would be normal, but it has exactly the same energy of what just happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Called Thumb Cramps. We're also two hosts of Plumbing the Death Star, both on the Sandspans Radio Network. And we're off to the gaming convention PAX after this. Yeah, that's right.

That's very exciting. I can't believe we even managed to get you on this day. Yeah, it was a big ask. We have media passes, so we're a big deal. Yeah, that's right. You guys are going to do the second podcast ever recorded. The first ever second ever live podcast from PAX. I think it's going to happen.

It's going to be huge. We met Mario yesterday. Yeah, we did meet Mario. That was cool. Nice guy. Yeah. Nice guy. Really lovely guy.

Was it a him? Yeah, it was a him. Joel Jackson. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Good luck with the rest of your sketches. Thank you. God bless.

And yeah, I'll be checking back in later. Just a welfare check. Thanks, of course. Just make sure that we're doing okay. And bring us a treat. See you later. Bye. And please welcome David M. Green and Pat McCaffrey.

Yes. Can you believe it? Oh, David. Hello. Hello, Pat. These are for you. Thank you. Oh my goodness. This is the olive oil. Rockley's Garden.

When we went to David's house. And picked olives. That's the fruits of your labor. This is incredible. Well, not the fruits. The oil of the fruit. Well, you didn't come but you've got an olive jumper and i feel like that helps in some way um are we gonna the next

one okay we're gonna do it every year is this is this product placement are you selling this no it's these are olives these are olives from the tree olive trees that are in the house that uh i see i live in um is that right oh that's that's better. Are we going to do an olive oil tasting? I thought you were just going to start chugging. Let's see. Wet the whistle? Oh, yeah. Here we go.

Oil the whistle? Shall we? Grease the whistle, maybe. Oh, that's a better idea. Let's see. Oh, yeah. It's very grassy. It actually smells really good.

Do you think people ever do this? Wait. Oh, it's very good oil. It's good oil. It's definitely the best oil I've ever drank. Just neat thanks for me. Oh look, you even got the proper little thing with the plastic thing. You break it, you break the seal of the thing.

Yep. And the labels as well, which actually, that's the most expensive part of the whole thing. Yeah, wow. I guess because the olives were free. Yeah. It was all the labor. Well, as was the labor.

You guys, like fools, just picked them. Yeah, we were like fools. I'm not afraid. Look at this. I'm going to give this prominent position. This has really upped the morning TV vibe of the whole thing. You can't get this in stores or anywhere. But if people do want some, can they beg you or sort of offer a ridiculous amount of money

and you will have an extra bottle? beg you or sort of offer a ridiculous amount of money and you will have an extra bottle? They can come to my house and pick the olives themselves and take it to the place. You can develop a friendship over many years. Yeah, that's the way to do it. It's only really accessible. There's a limited offer.

Does this also remove hard-to-remove stains from my carpet, like olive oil? It adds them. Yeah. It helps with hard-to-remove stains. It's a stain-movel product instead of removal. I'm writing it down. Stain?

Stain-addition product. Yeah. Opposite of removal? Yeah. Hard-to-remove stains. Look at these stains on this carpet I bet you're wondering How did I get those? Andy, what a mess

With this product you can get hard to remove stains Out of your house By removing the object that this oil landed on. All right. You get rid of the rug. Get rid of the rug. Throw the rug away. With this olive oil.

Look, I don't. Again, that's only just moving the stain, though. That's not, as you say, that's not removing the stain. The stain is still on the rug. Sure, but it's removing it from your home. Sure. Do you have hard to remove stains? Me too.

Do you think that the way to. Let's be friends. And pick olives. Maybe the way to remove olive stains is with a special kind of domestic grade bread that you rub and dip onto it, right? Yeah, and then you have to eat it? Yeah, it's a cleaning bread.

It's a cleaning bread. You have to cook a whole meal on the olive oil stain. Or in other ingredients. That's really good, yeah. The carpet. Yeah. There's cleaning vinegar. Sure.

In the same section. It's so nice to go with. Cleaning tomato sauce. Cleaning mayonnaise. Cleaning. Cleaning condiment. Like a cleaning vinegar for when you drop hot chips on some beautiful cloth. Alistair, I think the idea is cleaning condiments.

You've got cleaning vinegar. Everything, cleaning tomato sauce, cleaning mayonnaise, anything you can put on chips, you can use it for cleaning. There's a cleaning version of it in the cleaning condiment aisle in the supermarket. Cleaning salt? I think that is a thing. That probably is a thing, yeah. Cleaning chicken salt. What about, like, you know,

cleaning gravy? Coutine, yeah. Cleaning gravy and cheese. Yeah. Scientists have discovered that anything that goes well with chips is actually a powerful cleansing product. It's an incredible cleaning agent.

Yeah. But this gravy and cheese is not for human consumption. It's only for cleaning. It's highly poisonous. Yeah. We've got to not put this on cheese. Only four we got. We're getting dangerously close to 100.

Dangerous. Dangerously close. Yeah, terrifying. Do you think that in a world where... Now, go with me on think that in a world where... Now, go with me on this. In a world where... I was at Noah's Park, by the way, so I'm following you.

Thank you. I've been thinking about it more, and I think it's probably just a good name for a zoo, if your name is Noah. And it probably already exists. You could probably make a child and then call it Noah, just to... If your name's not Noah,

and then you'd be like, I named it after my kid. What about this? Yeah yeah my kid died if you're wondering where the kid is it's dead so I can't prove that I can't show you the kid so but so it's actually rude for you to ask yeah yeah where are my kids don't make me don't make me show you the kid I mean I could dig it up if you want me to yeah the kid or you wouldn't want me to do that but it's actually like like Tasmanian devil bones or something like that like you know from or something like that From your park? Yeah, from your park, from all the animals that die on your park My kid had the strongest bite of any land mammal Yeah

What? They did tests Yeah, they did tests? They did tests Yeah, I thought they did tests They did tests What about this? Jurassic Ark

Jurassic Park but on a boat On Noah's Ark I think that's the second Jurassic Park movie Where they're transporting that T-Rex Jurassic Park Pitching But there was only one animal on there

There you go There was two The baby dinosaur, the baby dinosaur. The baby T-Rex as well. That's it. I'm writing it down. Are you writing down Jurassic Ark? Yeah.

What are you writing down? I'm pitching to the filmmakers to get Jurassic Park 2 renamed to Jurassic Ark. Spielberg. Did he do a second one? Iceberg. That's like a Titanic crossover. What about this? Spielberg lettuce. Yeah?

It's fine. No, what I was going to say is, picture this. It's a world in which hard things are soft. Okay. And Moe's scale is flipped on its head. Flipped on its head, right. Something's happened in the back end of the universe. Yeah.

Now, trees, well, still trees and still standing up, but they're able to do that because they're so soft right and instead of chopping them down with an axe you'd now chop them down with a spoon how do you feel about this wait just scoop them down you might need to be a bit closer to the microphone are you are you yes scooping them i think you're scooping, yeah. And instead of wood chopping, it's wood scooping at the fair. Now, you might be wondering, what's the spoon made out of? Yeah. Is that jelly?

I guess so, yeah, jelly. But they were normally, maybe the normal spoons that had become soft, they had to create a new spoon, which is now hard. Yeah, exactly. So it's not the same spoons. There are hard spoons. There are still hard spoons, but they're now soft. But they're now soft.

Yeah, and there are axes, but they're soft as well. But then they created new axes. Yeah, they're hard, but they still wouldn't be good. That are hard so that you can eat porridge. Yes. Which is now hard. Yeah. So the spoon's made of jelly, but in this universe, the jelly is a hard substance.

I think this should be... Exactly. I think this should be at a sci-fi convention in which a master world builder is talking about his new, like, eight-part chronicle. Yeah. Right? And it's called Moe's Paradox or something like that. Moe's Paradox.

Yeah. Which, you know plausible and then and it's just it's just like a comic con kind of thing and he's being like asked questions

but what about but then aren't the spoons now soft yeah but that's the thing they're making them out of a soft thing which is now hard

so what does this do to the world of hard and soft cheeses okay great question great question okay so now that's explored in book three other people at the convention being like that's a stupid question

we answered that yeah well obviously yeah he's figured that out yeah when he talked about lactose now being a hard substance cheese can't exist. I like it. Thanks very much. Yeah, I felt really nervous when I put that one forward. I thought, oh, this is good. I mean, you know, because there was all that time in which you had the idea in your head. Yeah.

Where I was like, really trepidatious. Had a lot of time. I had a full idea before I even started speaking. That one I actually did. Did you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do trampolines still work in this universe yeah because they're kind of hard but bendy yeah i mean i think i think the the question for me is what are people like right how do they stand up because their bones are soft well good question their skin's now really hard it's an exoskeleton they have an exoskeleton yeah and a gelatinous center i guess

they're kind of they're kind of i guess they're kind of crabs right they're crab like what about here do we homo crab us yeah but do we all do we not move i think i think i think it you know in the for the universe to work there is people still have to be able to move. So there are flexible points in the joints. Right. Great, great, great. What about air? The great thing is the cartilage is still exactly the same, I think, because it's sort of halfway between hard and soft.

So sharks remain unaffected. Wow, sharks are the same. Yeah, sharks are the same. Their teeth would be very soft. Their teeth are really soft. Good for safety. They become a kissing animal. Someone should breed a shark for kissing.

Oh, yeah. Like the most dangerous kisser. Yes. You know, people talk about killing the most dangerous game what about kissing the most it's man because i mean i guess the idea of having a kind of like a shark breeding farm yeah the thing about sorry just think about the thing about sharks bred for kissing is that they keep growing new lips

as they wear out and fall off from all the kissing. There's new ones coming through. The beginning of this breeding farm where you're like you've just got regular sharks and you're kissing each one of them and you figure out which one is the most kissable so that you can breed those

two together. Yeah, selectively I guess it would just be ones that have a bit more puffiness You know, at the front I mean, there is already the gummy shark But I think that's cheating No, that's more of a blowjob kind of shark I think you've got to start

With the With the white pointers Right? Yeah, you want the greatest possible Kisser of all with the white pointers, right? Yeah, yeah. You want the greatest possible kisser of all. Which I imagine, in theory, they could be, you know, because I guess they got all that neck strength thrashing around. You ever seen how they toss around a seal carcass?

God, imagine. That was me. Imagine if that was my tongue. That's what I want, you know. If I'm kissing, I want to feel like I'm about to be thrown off at any moment. Are they still lethal? Like, are they kissing you to death in this? No.

I think the worst thing that can happen is you become too in love with them. I see. They love you and then they leave, you know, because they can't stop moving. Yeah. And I guess you have to go kiss them underwater or do we breed some for land? Or maybe they come up to the surface like a dolphin. Oh, like that, and then they go... Yeah, they pout.

Yeah. It'd be great for, you know sick children for things for them to do when they're sick i may not give the germs to the sharks but you know like that wasn't what i was worried about yeah no that wasn't hang on won't they give the germs to the sharks but i mean like a wish into cancer so makea-wish thing? It's just a make-a-wish. That's incredible. Yeah, that's right. We can do that. Do you think kids, make-a-wish kids, wishing to be able to kiss a shark on the lips?

It's just not an option at the moment because it's so dangerous. So they wouldn't even think to ask. They're swimming with dolphins. But if you also could go swimming with dolphins or kissing sharks. So it's a make-a-wish sketch, which we know in Australia is famously good in history. Somebody comes in to ask the kid what they want for their make-a-wish. And they say at the end, oh, and by the way, just throwing this into the mix, they finally perfected that shark you can kiss.

Well, I suppose my decision has already been made. Maybe the innovation comes from the wishes. They make a wish that's outrageous and impractical and science makes it happen. It drives science forward. Necessity. What a great use of the wish as well to try and improve you know everything for everybody you know and this kid only has months to live so we've got to really put out let's be like developing the covid vaccine it's a manhattan project yes operation i mean you could imagine the the

tech bro that's the oppenheimer of kissing sharks like you, you know, like the sort of the secret entrepreneur who listens to Make-A-Wish wishes to see what kids really want. You know, like, and he's like, oh, there's a gap in the market for this. You know, maybe there could be, you know, a kissing shark or there could be a thing. And then he starts that industry. And then we're like, how did this guy know what we so deeply want deep inside? And he never reveals a secret. Or somebody who goes in to make a wish, kids, and whispers to them and tries to, like that guy in Mr. Slugnerworth or whatever in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, goes in and tries to bend their wish, right? Get them to wish for something that will suit their business ends or something.

So they come in and they say, okay, what I want you to do is I want you to wish for the Australian Securities and Investment Commission to approve the merger of Rio Tinto and BHP. Right? Okay. And then it goes in the news. This is what this kid wants.

And then the prime minister is under so much pressure. Social pressure. And it becomes this sort of business tactic. But there's already just a duopoly of HP and Duo and Rio Tinto. It becomes the new way of doing business right this is like this is maybe this would be in like our our version of art of the deal right about ways to get ahead in business you say a great tactic is to sneak into um child wards we're on 100 sketch ideas by the way and uh and and whisper to the to the kids and get them to i mean

look alice is about to check we're gonna get 99 99 i'm sorry you want to see something line that number back this is my shoe whoa whoa the sole is only attached at the front and the back they're both coming apart i glued them back together but then all the glue came off except for right at the front and right at the back and i discovered that's all you need you know if you're if you're gluing any other bits of your shoe together you're a sucker to think of all the glue that is wasted on the middle bit of shoes. I mean, if you want to get it... Are you still wasting money on... And he killed so many horses. Are you still wasting money

gluing the middle bit of your shoe down? See, this is why kids these days can't afford houses. I thought you were going to say the olive oil was the trick. Use some of David's say the olive oil was the trick like you use some of david's own brand is your shoe only glued down at the front of the back use some of david's own it is uh it's 50 glue so yeah that's not what i was tasting um wait is this is there a glue-based sketch here, do you think? I think... You're putting cobblers out of business here. Cobblers hate him.

Cobblers hate him. Okay. Guy who revolutionizes. I mean, it's a money-saving tip in a way. Shoemaking. This is going to be our 100th sketch. Wow, I mean, it's a money-saving tip in a way. Shoemaking. This is going to be our 100th sketch. Wow, I mean, what a landmark. What a dignified way in which to cross the line, I think,

with this great shoe glue idea. Really, Usain bolted to that 100th sketch idea. We sure did. Marrying scissors. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely faster than I was expecting, but it's still three and a half hours. So... Yeah.

That's pretty good, right? And you're always going to go faster at the beginning when your mind is fresh. How long did it take you to get to 300? 19 and a bit hours. That includes the time where we go back and read through all the sketches. Yeah.

And we got to the end and I'd forgotten we had to do that, I think. And it's like an extra hour. Nailing the front and back. Cobblers hate him. So you guys got anything else on for today? No, no plans. This is the main thing

Write a little website copy Oh nice For a freelance job Yeah Why do they call it copy? If you've got to write it If it's got to be original No, it doesn't have to be original

I can just copy it from another website Woolworths.com Yep Great I mean, it's not a supermarket But I don't think it matters. I don't give a shit. Yeah.

You can do that fun thing that Sean would do when he would put, like, the synopsis of another show. An episode of I Dream of Jeannie instead of the synopsis of Mad as Hell on the iView website. You guys used to write those. Yeah, and then— Why bother? Yeah. No one reads them anyway. Take them from other shows.

Why bother? It was something we enjoyed doing. Gave us a little bit of, you know, a sense of satisfaction. Yes, you were paid for it. Even if we didn't get any sketches on the show, we still had that. And then that was taken away from us.

But we did get some sketches on the show. We did have some sketches. Yeah, but like on a particular episode. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking in general. I'm not trying to suggest we don't create great work, Alistair. No, no, no.

That's not what I was... It was more if i was like picturing sean watching and then you were going like well we never got anything on the show and like and oh we never got to write the synopsis anymore oh well look i was just picturing the worst possible scenario that's all it was um wait but while oh no i had a thought the worst possible scenario for you sean watching our our thing yeah what we do

and seeing what we're really like I mean that's true for me as well so you know there's yeah but hang on

I asked you what you were doing today and you said grinding some website copy yes I said that and I had an idea just before you said that you interrupted his idea by answering his question i interrupted you by answering the question yeah yeah i'm really angry about it oh it'll come back if it's good now if you use frog

dna to bring back dinosaurs yes. What could you bring back frogs with? That's right. No, no, go on. I mean, it really was going to be like, yeah, what can you bring? What can you bring back? Can you bring anything back with frog's DNA? Yeah, or is it that they're lizard-like? You know?

The woolly mammoth, will that be with frog's dna is frog's dna will that somehow fuck up the filler of the dna world is it the the pussies no more gaps um of of dna but again i'm not i mean there's a chance that when we discovered that you know I mean, I guess this is in the world in which Jurassic Park is real, that they realised that actually the frog DNA fucked up the dinosaurs and that they weren't even lizards. This would be another good Hitler sketch. Yeah. We haven't got enough of those.

You bring Hitler back through frog DNA. Through frog DNA, you discover he's laid eggs, right? You think you've only got one, but then you find the Hitler eggs. That's really good. Yeah, so you think that this is just a normal way to bring things back because you've watched Jurassic Park. Yeah, yeah. And that's how you...

And you just got a bit of his teeth or something like that, you know? And he kills all his food with his eyes. They just go back into his head and kill his food. Whoa, wait, can he do... Do they do that? Do they know what frogs do? They, like, instead of chewing... I just made that up.

No, no, but is it like eye hammers? Wait, are you saying they kill food with their eyes? I'm so wrong about that. I know, it doesn't matter. This is very interesting. You can't back away from that. You can't back away from that. Like, that's...

Like, they would crush little flies. I'm probably so wrong about that. No, but it doesn't matter. Keep talking. Keep talking. I'm probably so wrong about that. No, but it doesn't matter. Keep talking. I find your mind fascinating. I thought that some frogs or toads or whatever... They use blinking. They would blink and their eyes would retreat into their head.

They say the first bite is with the eye. Are they talking about frogs? Yes, I assume. So you're... But you can't... This must have come from somewhere. I believe you. No, I think it must be true, right?

To a certain extent. Yeah. But I've never heard it before, and so it's incredible to me. Maybe it's just one species of frog. Frogs that literally they're sort of biting flies by closing their eyes, sucking their eyeballs back into their head, right, to squash the fly yeah and

then i guess using their tongue to lick the fly it's like they didn't know what that they had mouths right because that's what a mouth is for yeah and they like show up and they're like oh it's really annoying i have to crush all your food with your eyes and they're like what are you what are you talking about and he's like nothing nothing yeah eating mountains yeah eating with your mouth yeah normal like unless like teeth and eyes are somehow related they're the same thing and they were just like actually it used to be that everything crushed the food with their eyes but then we kind of started developing kind of harder eyes there was a there was a flip where hard things became soft and things became hard and

this would be a great thing for jordan peterson to do because you know he has that thing about how because of the way lobster society is we should have a patriarchy or something yeah yeah be like that if he found out about these frogs eating with their eyes he'd be like you know what we're actually supposed to eat with our eyes one of the big reasons that society is falling apart these days is because people no longer eat with their eyes one of the big reasons that society is falling apart these days is because people no longer eat with their eyes that's why i always stick my beef right into my nose and then i suck inwards like this and then i crush the beef somewhat and then i snort it back into my throat yeah like that you really think we should structure our society like lobsters do? Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying – I'm probably not being completely fair.

I don't think you're actually being that unfair. I think that there's a lot to this guy where he argues like I do with you. Yeah. He loves to just change – he's like, if he's arguing with somebody, he just changes the definition of a word so that he is correct. He goes, well, what do you think that that means? Well, because what is your definition? And then he changes the definition

so that he is correct. And then he goes, oh, there you go. There's no such thing as climate. And then he's going, well, you just said there's no climate change because there's no such thing as climate. I mean, what about the thing that they're talking about that is climate? I didn't shit on your rug because technically that's a shag.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, well, there you go. Anyway, so him eating with his eyes. I'm sure I've killed a small fly with my eyes before when a bug has flown into my eyes. You were famously brought back to life with a bit of frog DNA. Oh, they are like a set of jaws. Like the eyelids are the upper jaws.

It's like a penis. And the mustache is the eyelashes. Venus flytrap eyes. Yeah. The eyelashes. Venus eye trap. Yeah. Venus eye trap.

I think it would be great to be able to suck your eyes in and just really clear out your sinuses. You know what I mean? Like let's say you've got a blocked nose and you could just go like that and it just pushes everything out. A bit of pressure. It all comes pouring out like that and then you go ah sounds like a renin stimpy i know it'd be so good it must be a renin stimpy in which somebody's eyeballs look out the end of their nostrils

right because if something's happened they've sneezed so loud or they've sucked in something or they've eaten some sort of, I don't know, sour lolly. There's one where they're like going into somebody's nose, mining it, mining the boogers. Yeah. They've got like a mine cart and a pick in there. Yeah, I mean, we worry about what the stuff that kids are watching

on YouTube does to their brains, but really we went through it. I never really got into Ren and Stimpy. I found it very unsettling. Yeah, I couldn't get into it either, really. I even found Rocco's Modern Life quite unpleasant. Oh, I love Rocco's Modern Life. But there was a lot of mushy, wet, gloopy kind

of stuff that I found really unsettling. You like a bit of gloop? Yeah, that probably wasn't the thing that I liked most about it. Just the satire, I guess. I think that passed me by completely. Watch it again

as a grown-up. Yeah. You'll appreciate it. People is satirical. I was an Angry Beavers guy myself. How do you guys feel about Angry Beavers? Angry Beavers. Daggett and Norbert.

Yeah, that was their names. No, I think... Have you seen the last episode of Angry Beavers? Now, is it the case that it was never released? Yeah, I've never seen it. I've just heard about it. But, like, they broke a rule. You're not supposed to...

End a season so they can just keep playing them over and over again? I think you're not supposed to reveal that it's a TV show. And the plot of the last episode was that they found out they were being cancelled, so they, like, came out of the TV or something yeah that was the idea yeah fucking cool man rebels yeah i love that anti-establishment stuff you know was it like was those shows genuinely for children though or like were they more for teenagers oh i don't know maybe it's like i think i was a teenager when i was enjoying it yeah yeah i don't know. Maybe it's like... I think I was a teenager when I was enjoying it.

Yeah, right. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe not very little children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was that thing where they were cartoons, but I always felt like they were designed for like... There wasn't too much weird gloop in Angry Beavers. It was quite a dry show.

For an aquatic animal, quite a dry show. How about a cartoon for the elderly? That's really nice. I mean, we need something, you know, like they don't have, a lot of them sit and stare at walls and look out windows and things like that. You know, we need a cartoon that somehow. A window or a door. That's what art is.

Yeah, yeah. Cartoons for the elderly. Yeah. Well, then forget it. Alistair, let's keep going. I know, I know. It's just that I'm also having to do this job here. No, you've got to take on two jobs.

Would an elderly person's cartoon, would it be about old people or could it be about anything? I think, yeah, they would love that if it was about them. Yeah. It's a nursing home. Set in a nursing home, yeah, that's really good. They're all beavers at a nursing home said in a nursing home yeah that's really good they're all beavers at a nursing yeah okay great they're all looking at a wall looking out the window oh this is selling itself you think it's uh that somebody comes elderly beavers oh yeah

instead of angry still angry grumpy old beaver old they should bring it back daggett norbert in a nursing home this is the instead of um the adult swim this is the geriatric geriatric aqua therapy uh yeah aqua aerobics aqu Aquorobics channel. And it's all elderly cartoons. Well, I mean, I remember hearing about the idea of, like, digital drugs or something like that, the idea that you could somehow put something on a screen. Rocko's modern end of life. Look, that's way better than anything I've had.

I'm like, it's Rocko's modern death. Thank you. We got there. Yes. Windows. This is the process. This is what creativity looks like. Other shows that you could make old?

Let's see. I mean, you know, I think like something like, you know, Teletubbies or In the I mean, you know, I think like something like a, you know, a Teletubbies or in the night garden, you know, that kind of doesn't make sense to regular aged people, but, you know, but, but elderly psychologists have worked on it and they know that it stimulates the elderly brain, you know, it's some people blending food and then pouring it onto a plate and, you know, putting a spoon next to it. It's people standing up and sitting down without joint pain. It's children being respectful. That's right.

And quiet. Not running around so much. Saying please and thank you and not using the word like a lot. It's house guests using coasters it's beautiful um and the and the couch that's covered in that plastic sheeting just in case oh yeah somebody's spilling food on a plastic covered coat a couch yeah and um oh what about the that get that plastic cover and put it over your clothes. In order to preserve my couch, I'm going to sit on a really uncomfortable couch

for the rest of my life. I like Al's idea of just like walking around basically in a condom for the rest of your life. Yeah. Just covered in plastic. So I'm completely spill proof. Spill proof. It's like having like an old Nonna's couch theory,

but on your clothes. So you're wearing these beautiful, sharp, tailored clothes, but this layer of Perspex kind of... Like a rain jacket. Yeah, yeah. But you can see everything underneath when there's not too much light reflecting off of it. I feel like that would be completely at home

on the catwalks of Milan. I think you could see... I could see somebody... Milan. Milan. Sorry, Mulan. The film, yeah. Yeah, Disney film.

That one won't be on the elderly geriatric channel. No, no, no. No, no, they won't. Terrifying. They won't go for that. Yeah. When's Tosh Greenslade coming? He's been.

He was on at 7am He just said he wants some of that olive oil Oh great Come on back You can have one of these I've got to now number the pages Because I'm forgetting which page is which I'm sorry about me doing

Administration while we're doing this No that's fine Business administrony