Two In The Think Tank - 400 - "400 Sketch Ideas" - Part 2

Episode Date: October 22, 2023

It continues. Part 2 of Episode 400 of Two in the Think Tank. Words can't express our gratitude to: Evan and Bec and the team at Stupid Old Studios for setting this up. Friend of the show Ellie Durkin for the amazing background art. The courageous and kind guests who joined us at all hours. Stu, The Macaroni Prince himself for stepping in and editing this colossal audio file. Everyone who tuned into the live feed. And of course our beloveds for making it all possible.Thank you for listening. And thank the universe for being intelligible so that such a thing as listening is even possible; at least up until about hour 15.Watch the FULL VIDEO of the original broadcast hereGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. My brain keeps giving me the word coriander whenever I'm going empty and I'm trying to think of something else. You know, which makes me think that it's an American one. Cilantro. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. Isn't that cilantro?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's coriander. Yeah, you're right. It is cilantro because I was thinking of a, this is really stupid. But it's an American old but it's an American old it's an old American car that you press the thing it goes

like that right but then the guy takes it over to Australia and then no he gets it there but he starts to press the horn and it goes rocket rocket rocket forget it not a good idea but I'm writing it down But he presses the horn and goes, rocket, rocket, rocket. Forget it.

Not a good idea. But I'm writing it down. If you buy, you know, because we're in this global economy. I don't know if you know this, guys. We're in this globalised economy. Supply chains, et cetera, you know, cover the whole globe. It's not unusual to go into the supermarket and see that you're buying mandarins from South America. But if you buy your coriander and it's come in on a plane, I guess, from the United States,

is it still technically cilantro? Would it be more respectful to refer to it by the name of its native tongue? Does it have to come from the cilantro region? I wonder, yeah. Because I was also thinking it's weird that in Germany they call Germany Deutschland. But we're like, I'm pretty sure it's Germany.

And then if they come over here, we're like, Germany, you're from Germany, aren't you? And in English we make them say Germany. Most countries have a different name for their own country. Yeah. Ed too. Should we come up with one for Australia, do you think? I think the French call Australia like Australie or something.

Yeah, Australie. Yeah. Yeah. But we could have... They can still call us whatever they want to call us, but we'll come up with our own one in here, right? Yeah, that just Australians would use. Yeah, Narnia.

I'm sorry. Yeah, Narnia. Yeah, Narnia. Yeah, yeah, Narnia. Commonwealth of yeah, Narnia. Yeah, Narnia is going to be a great – We'll do an Australian version of Narnia, right? And instead of going into a cupboard full of old coats to get through the wardrobe, right,

they go into the shed full of old life jackets and kayaks. I thought you were going to say drysavones. Drysavones, sure. They push their way through all of that and then they come into Yernania, and there they meet a man with the legs of a kangaroo. Oh, yes. That Australian animal.

Yes. What would his name be? What's his name? Wouldn't it be Mr. Tumnus? Wouldn't be Mr. Tumnus. No. Bruce's. Tumnus.

Tumnus. Tumnus. Old mate Tumnus. Wouldn't be Mr Tumnus. No. Bruce's. Alumnus. Tumno. Tumno. Old mate Tumno. I think we could get this off the ground. I think this is at least a comedy festival show. Yeah, Narnia. Yeah, Narnia. It's got to be the musical at the end of it.

Even if we don't have any music. You've got to franchise some of these sketch ideas. You don't have time to do all of this. That's more of a franchise. We're going to pitch it. What about then we make a British version of

Skippy. Oh, really good. It's a badger. You see? It's called bitey. And he comes and he grabs at you see and he's called bitey yeah and he comes and he grabs at your ankle and he's like

and you're like what's that bitey like that and you kick it off by that and it scuttles off and you go

oh there must be somebody down the well like that and then you kind of start running and following it and he goes let that bite in your other ankle.

You're like, oh! We tried exporting, Skippy. We sold the concept. The only way he can communicate is by... One bite for yes, two bites for no. You're asleep in bed. Bonnie comes in. He's scratching at your face.

Boring at your neck. Bonnie, somebody's in trouble. I'm in trouble. You're binging up your neck as you hobble out the door. Just the idea that he's always biting the same person. You need to wear one of those attack dog training suits. You're going to get really padded. No, I think I want to see the flesh tearing. I need to see the blood.

Yeah. Yeah. Bloody man. Yeah. It shows up to help this poor trap get down a well. It's like, I'll stay down the bottom of the well and go with the bloodied man. Blood's dripping down a well it's like I'll stay down the bottom of the well with a bloodied man blood's dripping down the well

people are getting messy on the social media people are getting messy I just mean on Twitter and Instagram the posts of the the pads are getting

a bit messier but it's all good oh sure you've got to carry on Alistair I've just got to carry on I've got to be here you've got to push through you don't have time for cursive i don't have time for cursive i don't have time kids learning cursive anymore yeah you know i got calculators that do

it they can do the cursive for them they don't learn how to do basic maths in cursive anymore they haven't learned how to make their handwriting illegible like we used to yeah i mean there's a few people who have very nice handwriting that's true but cursive is They haven't learned how to make their handwriting illegible like we used to. Yeah. I mean, there's a few people who have very nice handwriting. That's true. But cursive is fucked. Yeah. It's not good to look at.

I mean, it's good to look at. It's not good to read. No, it's not good to read. It's like it's nice that it exists. You know, it's kind of like, it's like a doily of writing. It's like the doily of communication. Yeah. You know?

What if communication was a doily? I think it would look a little something. Like a doily, I guess. That's right. Well, I guess, yeah, you could just like... Because if it was so good, why wouldn't they put it in books? Think about it. That's right.

Because not all the books are printed separate letters, which suggests that it's more functional. Did we already pitch the idea of a printer that can print things in cursive? Long hand? With a pen? What does long hand mean? It's not like an even longer way of writing. It's not like long division.

A really long hand. Yes, so you can write from far away. There was an X-Files episode about that. What about a guy with a long hand? A really long hand. Yeah. Long hand. Or was it the guy who could sort of just stretch himself

to fit through narrow spaces? Yes. Yeah, and it was called... The process creating two very long hands. Yeah. Which left handprints. Elongated handprints. Elon.

Elon Musk. Elon. Elon. Gated. Gated Musk. Community. Elongated. Eventually his writing. Elon. Elon. Elon. Elon. Gated. Gated mask. Community. Elon gated. Then surely his writing would be even harder to read.

Because if you're having to... Oh no, if the pen is the same... Oh, that should be alright. The letters would be very tall. Yeah. I mean, it would be good to have a kind of a... He's not necessarily writing tall letters. He's just got a long head.

He can be normal length letters. Smaller movements create bigger, you normal length letters. But smaller movements create bigger, you know, bigger movements. I mean, he would either have to have incredible motor skills or he would end up writing a fair bit bigger. Because you wouldn't imagine a giant

going like this and then going like this and then writing in tiny little letters like this. Why does he have a He's a giant. Why does he have to hold the pencil? He's a giant. He's out of opposable thumb. He hasn't had the education of learning how to do cursing. Because giants these days don't learn how to do cursing.

That's right. They don't learn how to do cursing. Why are giants stupid? I mean, they are very often, like, in fiction. Their brains are larger. Their brains should be. It takes longer to move around. For the signals?

Sure. But like, we've got larger brains than, say, a rat. Right? We're not stupider than the rat. But maybe we're slower relative, our thought process for what we're trying to achieve may be slower than that. We're like a PlayStation,

which has more data but accesses it slower. And the rat is like a Nintendo 64. It can't hold as much but can access it faster because it's a cartridge. A rat cartridge. Whereas we're an optical medium. Could we invent

a dry brain? A good dry brain. What if somebody, because they're like, oh, it's bad when you're When your brain's dry. Because they're like, oh, when's bad when you're... When your brain's dry. Everyone says that. Because they're like, oh, when you're dehydrated, you lose a lot of wetness from your brain. They also don't like your brain to have too much fluid in there, do they?

You've got a lot of fluid on your brain, or they've got to relieve the pressure or something like that. What if you could just figure out, what if you just gave me medication that makes my brain work when it's dry? And then I don't have to keep this charade of continuously pouring liquid down my throat. This is like our dreams of all the room temperature superconductors.

That's right. It's the first dry brain. Yeah, and hopefully we're working towards a dry man. Yes, a completely dry man. And it's just like, not all this goddamn lubricant. Just let it work. Yeah, graphite.

Just graphite. Just graphite. Just put a permanent lubricant in there. Not something that gets absorbed and gets pissed out. The nemesis of Aquaman, Dryman. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And he's very absorbent. So when he does, like, he grabs Aquaman.

Is he absorbent? Well, he sucks out all your liquid like that. And then he sponges it. He clenches his buttock. He spins his whole body around and wrches it out. And then he sponges it. He clenches his buttock. He spins his whole body around and wrings it out. And just liquid starts pouring out of his butt like that. Out of his butt? Yeah, he clenches his buttock really tight.

And then the liquid pours out and you can see the liquid getting sucked out of his face and everything like that. What about this? As you, he sucked the liquid out of you. So you're now in a bad place, but the last thing you see is him. Lanching his buttock and liquid pouring out. Yeah. It's dry, man. Pure water as well.

It's like spring water. You can put a cup under there. You can put a cup under there. And have a beautiful glass. Yes. Because he keeps all the solids within. And he partners with a bottling company. Oh, wow.

Is that what he's using his power for? We discover, right? We find all these desiccated corpses. We discover that it's dry, man. In partnership with Mount Franklin. Mount Franklin is people! It's liquid! It's liquid.

Not the mountain, but the water bottles. Not the bottles. The bottled water. Not that that's the only bit that isn't. But that might be dinosaurs. The bottles are dinosaurs. But, okay, and trees and plankton and stuff. Yeah, but hang on.

So he's a dry man. Oh, yeah. What just made me think of this word, and I don't know what, we may not be able to do anything with this, and we may not wish to. Dry-area. That sounds appealing.

That sounds more appealing than the conventional diarrhea. Well, it sounds more appealing, but I think it would probably... I imagine it comes out almost like cocoa powder. It's still loose, but it's like coarse river sand. And you're like... Shooting out of you like little rocks oh damn it i don't know why you thought we would not be able to do something with that well i mean i don't know that we have done anything

i mean it's a doctor sketch what what's happening why am i so uncomfortable I mean, I don't know that we have done anything. No, no, we've all... I feel like we've written it down and been like, yeah. You don't need to do it. I mean, it's a doctor sketch. What's happening? Why am I so uncomfortable? You'll have dry area. Then you get more fun out of just describing what's happening. Okay, wait. I just have to do clench buttock.

Clench buttock, ring, I just have to do Clench Buttock. Clench Buttock, body ringer. Was there a movie that was a similar concept to that dry man idea? I think it might have been The Tuxedo with Jackie Chan. The villain came up with this idea to sell this water, which made you more thirsty. Oh, wow. The problem was it worked too well so someone drank it and they completely dried out and then just crumbled into a pile of dust wow that's that's

too fast that's a bigger that's a higher concept than i was expecting from the movie and then the tuxedo the the the tuxedo that he's wearing is like this super suit yeah make him do all this yeah yeah i mean i've seen the ad and I thought that looks really great. I used to be really excited every time there was a new Jackie Chan movie. Yeah. What happens now? How do you feel now? You know what?

I still don't watch any of them, but I still get really excited. Like when he did that movie The Foreigner with Pierce Brosnan. Yeah. I was like, I'm really excited for this. It's almost a dramatic role I started watching the beginning of The Spy Next Door Which was more of a kids film And it already wasn't like

I was like, this is not Jackie at his best This is not Jackie directing the movie And so I think Jackie made much better things When he was directing it in charge Shanghai Noon kind of Yeah, Shanghai Noon. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I mean, I think...

Shanghai Nights. I absolutely love Shanghai Noon. Yeah, it's good. I mean, I haven't seen it. I don't think I've watched it. There's a scene in which Owen Wilson gets buried up to his head in sand and Jackie Chan gives him two chopsticks and says, dig yourself out.

And Owen Wilson starts trying to dig himself out with two chopsticks in his mouth out of this sand. I think it's the hardest I've ever laughed. There's that buzzard that's next to him. He's like, ah! Just imagining trying to hit something with your head, but when you're buried up to your sand, using that as a hammer. I had a magpie fly into the side of my head yesterday. Yeah, because I was riding a bike. So either it was swooping me, but actually I looked back,

and the way that it was standing there, it looked like it had made a huge mistake. What did it do afterwards? Did it just kind of walk away? Yeah, he kind of was just like that. And I was like that. And just kind of put my headphone back in. You had a helmet on, obviously. I had a helmet on and a headphone in.

And he said, no, he hit my ear. I guess he probably did hit my helmet a bit as well. But then afterwards, I think he was like, actually, this is not if even if it was defending its nest i think it was like it was like yeah this is it's like i felt like i was it was a turning point in this magpie's life well i i mean you know maybe that's great maybe that shocks him and that's that was what he needed he hit rock bottom track yeah you know he hit the head use my head as a hammer i've been hit in the head twice by the same magpie yeah yeah i assume it was the same magpie it was on different days but it was

when i used to be a teacher and i left work i snuck out of work early two days in a row and got hit in the head by this by this magpie both times truancy magpie. Yeah. It felt like being punched in the head. Wow. And so it was hitting you with the beak? Yeah. It made my head bleed. Oh, right in your baby gap?

Right in my baby gap. Yeah? A little bit of its beak went in and touched my brain. And it poked its tongue out very quickly. And I feel like it rearranged some stuff in there. Fixed it or made it worse? It made everything better. Wow. I've never...

Just added just enough fluid to your brain. Yeah. It was dry. How do you feel about a martial art that is entirely head-based? It's all head-butting. Liverpool. It's all... Yeah.

But it's that elevated to an art form. So then do you kind of... Do you have to put your body behind like a... You know, like you're hiding behind two bookshelves like this? I think you're still allowed to run around. Okay, yeah. So instead of blocking with your hands, you just block with the top of your head?

Yeah, but they're also just using their head. Oh, right, right, right, yeah. Literally be butting heads. Yeah, yeah. But you want to try to hit them in the jaw or wherever that might knock them out. Maybe, yeah. You're trying to go like this, you're trying to go like that. Oh, man.

Wait, you can only hit them in the head as well? Yeah. No, I think you could hit them anywhere in their body with your head if you wanted to. Also you run around behind them and hit them in the back. Get them right in the liver. You just try to break his spine. You like, you know, trip him over with your head.

And then pin him down with your head. And then you're like walking around him like this. And then you go like that. And then meanwhile he's curled back like a like a scorpion's tail they're bringing back gladiators they should have a round like that where yeah yeah it has to fight the head to head with their head yeah head to head um i think uh i mean there might also be a version in which it's like sort of soccer rules

where you can use your head and your legs but not your arms yeah i don't mind that like a like a like a like a fighting version of river dance yeah no i like that it's kind of also like the black knight from the monty python yeah yeah uh but after he's had his arms yeah oh no but he's still had his legs but that bit where he's like come arms cut off. Oh, no, but he's still had his legs. But that bit where he's like, come back, I'll kick you. No, but yeah, but with his legs. Oh, yeah, yeah, with his legs still. Sorry. A Riverdance version of Capoeira.

I like that, yeah. I think you could do it for a bit. I think those people who can like, oh, maybe they need their arms to be able to do those kind of like. Yeah, well, that's the thing. I think your arms have got to stay by your sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I think that'd be great to watch. You have to wear a T-shirt with no sleeves,

and then your hands have to go in your pockets. Do they play the rivet dance music during the fun? Yeah, yeah, you do. That's important. You know, especially if there's a country like Ireland that might be looking for a new national sport, you know, like that, and they go, oh, hurling's not bringing in the dollars.

Yeah, I think we've got to do it. Yeah, dry hurling. Oh, that's when all the dry men. Because, I mean, once people become dry, they'll be like, well, should we be allowed, should dry people be allowed to perform in sports, in regular sports where wet people are? Yeah. Like that.

Do they have to have their own change rooms? Oh, can we? I'm going to go back to the dry people universe. They obviously wouldn't want showers, would they? Oh, well, it saves money then. They'd go and they'd rub sand on their body. Probably to get clean. That's the jokes that old people would make. Like a hand dryer. They'd go and they'd rub sand on their body, probably, to get rid of it.

It's the joke that old people would make. Like a hand dryer. That's right. Just like the rest of us. They'd use it, but they'd want a really hot one so that it burns all the germs off of you and also gets rid of any moisture you may have collected on your hands you know during the day an oven that's what they need they can only play summer sports presumably as well because if they get rained on playing winter sports that's not ideal that's right because then they start to swell and get really big and the problem is that they're

not just absorbent they're super absorbed they just keep they like they absorb every liquid and it doesn't their their skin is porous and then eventually they're just kind of like blob like trying to like roll along the ground play with their hurling stick i forgot they were still doing exactly because especially in a sort of a boggy you know boggy wet landscape just realized this whole time you've been talking about hurling i I've been picturing the caber toss. Because it feels like that should be called hurling. I was thinking of the thing with the big blocks on the ice. Ah, curling.

Yes. Curling. I didn't really know what I was thinking. No, we're all talking about different things. I'd be fascinated to know what Pat was thinking about. I was thinking about equestrian. Yeah, good. I was thinking about horses.

On ice, though. Oh, yeah. The good i was thinking about horses yeah on ice though like oh yeah the horses be wearing horses on ice i really love it yeah yeah the horses don't yeah they don't like it they don't like it but horseshoes with a blade that goes all the way around like that which doesn't seem like it would be useful at all no no it wouldn't work no i think you. I think they could have a... I mean, if you could teach a horse to do that. I mean, it's not that far. It's like the upper end of the dancing one. Dressage, right?

But then it's like, yeah, like dress... I feel like they'd be breaking a lot of legs. A lot of legs. I think you'd have to sort of pull back on the... Shooting horses when they break down. Shooting them immediately. Especially on the ice. They'd be breaking a lot of legs. A lot of legs. I think you'd have to sort of pull back on the shooting horses when they break down. Shooting them immediately. Especially on the ice. Yeah.

Yeah. That's going to be a pain. That's going to be a pain. But then you get the Zamboni out. Which would be

horse drawn. Horse drawn Zamboni. And then the Zamboni, the horses start falling. Oh no, the Zamboni horses. The Zamboni's rolling over the horses. That'd be perfect because, you know, the Zamboni, the horses start falling. Oh, no, the Zamboni horses. And the Zamboni's rolling over the horses.

That'd be perfect because, you know, the Zamboni behind it would smooth out all of the dents from the... Left by the Zamboni horses. That's right. Wait. Horses on ice. Disney presents. Yeah. Horses on ice.

Keep it simple. I would think love to see a lot of pigs skating around on ice Maybe it's Black Beauty on ice Or something Is there any Disney movies about horses? I'm trying to think Was Black Beauty ever, did they make a Disney film about it? I don't know if there's an animated version of that

The Emperor's New Groove Was about a llama I'm just going to turn that a little bit more towards you Just to make sure. Just in case. Do you think that the estate of Hans Christian Andersen ever thinks they might be able to have a go at the Disney corporate? Because they really, like,

they're always doing the Hans Christian Andersens, aren't they? That's the Little Mermaid, isn't it? Little Mermaid, but Frozen. I think a bunch of others as well are all handsy. And I think just like the estate of Marvin Gaye is maintaining his artistic legacy by suing people. It's what he would have wanted for using Cowbell. I think our screen's gone off. Hands were famously litig Oh, our screen's gone off.

What? Our screen's gone off. Our connection to the... To the outside world? To the thing-o. I wonder if anything else is... That looks like it's still happening. Does that mean that we need to check that we're still streaming?

Oh, it's back. Yes. Oh, now it's gone again. Oh, now it's back. I looked up there. I thought we'd been going for 10 hours. No, it it's gone again. Oh, now it's back. I looked up there. I thought we'd been going for 10 hours. No, it's just the time of day. Four hours, Alistair.

What, have we? Yeah. That sounds crazy. It is crazy. Well, we're on 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 11 plus. We're on 1.14. We're actually on 1.14 now 1.14? Sorry, I just needed to quickly check something

It's very possible that the people updating the thing are Like sleeping or whatever like that as well And they're very right to do And they're very right I feel like I'm having to go You haven't been to the toilet once I have been I think already three times And I feel like I need to go again already.

Al's a dry person. He's a dry guy. He's a dry guy. I'm really sorry. I'm a dry guy. You've got to go again. Okay, because I'm just... I'll be back.

You guys carry on. Yeah, sorry about this. Oh, I can't believe there's been so much dead air because I'm looking at my phone about... Andy, you'll also let in the guests. Yeah. Wonderful. What about a mustache for the back of your head? You know?

Yeah. You know, just like. Like scare the pigeons. Could be. I mean, you know, there's no reason why you can't shave the whole back of your head, you know, and then have the eyebrows and the mustache, and then you get to draw on a face if you want, but you don't have to. I think that's like the original legacy of Janus from ancient Greece.

Wait, wait, who is Janus? Janus was two-faced, wasn't he? Yes, of course, yeah, yeah. Transformation kind of. Yeah, yeah. But I think the first draft of that was basically the idea you're talking about. Sure. And then I guess, so there's applications in the sort of magpie and the magpie deterrent kind of world.

But I mean, does it deter regular criminals? I think it would deter most regular people out. I saw that on the back I mean I guess it would deter people who love you you know from loving you which I guess would be a great way of isolating yourself which would allow you to you know

maybe have more time to work on yourself and fix yourself until you're ready for love and allowing people to come into your life and make it better so I don't know yeah it's basically like it's basically the equivalent of going on like to come into your life and make it better. So I don't know. It's basically the equivalent of going on a silent Buddhist retreat. That's right.

You've just done something to the back of your head. It's the inhidious-ifying of yourself or making yourself unacceptable to regular society so that you can just have time for self-care and self-improvement and get yourself to a level. But some people might just spend the rest of their lives there, and it's a great way of just... But then also, if you would meet other people with a moustache in the back of their head,

you might be like, form a community. You're starting a religion. Yeah, that's the problem. As soon as you create, everybody would have to have an original form of self-hideosizing. Okay. I would follow you into a religion or a cult. Yeah?

I can see you doing that. You know, I think I, you know, obviously I'm constantly fighting the urge to start one. Yeah, I mean, I would love to, you know, it's tough if you want to be a follower in a cult exactly but you don't have the cult that you want to follow you've got to start your own cult but you never wanted to be a cult leader you just wanted to be a follower so you get a bunch of like minded followers together and try and

start a leaderless cult I guess open source distributed like blue sky basically I just listen to whoever's talking at the time um it's been a pleasure we have our next guests here to carry us on into the future do you guys have anything you want to plug uh david you've got your um web series. Yeah, I do.

Thanks. It's called VHS Review. And I review videotapes of things that people have taped from TV in the 80s, 90s, 2000s. And you're in one of them. I am. Briefly. Are you in one of them? I don't know if I am.

We'll change that. Yeah. Let's make it happen, baby. Review, R-E-V-U-E. Yes. Pat, do you have a podcast? No, I've got that. Yeah. Let's make it happen, baby. Review, R-E-V-U-E. Yes. Pat, do you have a podcast? Nah, got nothing. Great.

Does it bring you contentment, though? Yeah. I don't need the mustache in the back of my head. I'm content already, baby. Oh, man, that's great. That's why you're so lovable. I feel so free to love you right now. And you guys can, everybody can watch the last,

most recent season of Mad as Hell that we all wrote on, which is still on ivy. It's still up there. I believe so free to love you right now. And you guys can, everybody can watch the last, most recent season of Mad as Hell that we all wrote on, which is still on Ivy. It's still up there. I believe so. I watched it the other week. The whole thing? Yeah.

Wow. Just to recap you some of that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. One that we used to have in our lives. Yep. Yeah. That was good.

Yeah. I taped, I think I've recorded all of the ones that I've worked on. So. I'll have to talk to you about that sometime soon okay yeah gentlemen thank you so much thank you very much thank you love your work good luck thank you so much been a pleasure and please welcome Scott Limbrick and

Vidya Rajan yeah oh they weren't ready I'm so sorry thank you so much for doing this oh welcome thank you so much we should be really You're welcome. Thank you so much. We should really be the ones standing up and shaking your hands. Thank you for coming and being a part of this. How are you both? Good. Good morning. It wasn't too weird to ask you guys to do this.

I hope it was okay. Yeah. It's fine. Great. We appreciate it. They actually just came in to tell us how weird it is. This is what we usually do on a Saturday. Yeah.

This is how our living room's set up. This is a beautiful thing. You guys are ready. With the microphones. Sort of natural born content makers. We have hanging mics through the house. That's beautiful. It's not that far away.

We're all going to it. I mean, you know, now that we're... Podcast architecture. It's going to be the next big movement, you know? Like smart homes. H houses built for podcasting. Built for content. Just cameras in the walls. Mm. Little, yeah.

Every house becomes a big brother house. Yeah. That's great. You don't even need the little walls in the bathroom. Someone should get on that. I'm writing it down right now. At the moment, you know, rooms are generally wider than they are high, right? Most rooms.

Usually, yeah. But that's because the landscape, we used to have landscape cameras. Now everything's portrait mode. We're going to have portrait rooms. Yeah, so the rise of vertical. Vertical, the rise of vertical. And over time, people will evolve to climb. We'll become climbers.

Instead of walking, it'll all be climbing because it's better for the vertical cameras yeah for content and the cameras will have to get longer taller cameras more and more vertical yeah recently um our phones also getting oh yeah so that they can watch the the climbing you know they can see both members of the family one on the first floor one of the i guess also because a lot of time things are self-filmed, so you can't move the camera necessarily to follow the action. But what you can do is make a camera that captures a much higher area so you can keep it all in frame.

It's a camera. Maybe we create a video format that's more like on the website where you can sort of, you know, like a photo on a know like sometimes you get those really tall photos and you can just kind of zoom in and then scroll up and down but just do that while you're watching a video so that way you can you can follow the action yourself you know you become the cameraman i just i think this is just the natural progression of you know if you're working in the arts or comedy it feels like you constantly got to be creating more and more content all the time so there's it feels like you constantly got to be creating more and more content all the time so there's it feels like you just need to have uh this happening at all times but then also the editing has to be happening and how the fuck do you do that that's the hard bit yeah that's where you

install the people in the back like the full big brother yeah that's right so you then you just have to have a team but then the money has to come in for that could the government instead of giving grants just give you a team that works in the i've often thought that i think it would be it would actually be much more useful than also i think this is the premise of a sci-fi dystopia book i read oh really it could happen the bit where you're being filmed constantly and there's a group of editors um always around to like... Yeah. Yeah. Because the government, I think, is thinking about reintroducing some form of national service, right?

But they're suggesting that rather than being military, it would be like volunteering or something like that. Wait, is this real? Yeah. Our government? Somebody, look, maybe not the government, but somebody recently in the last two weeks I saw in an article, somebody suggesting that there is a. I think it had to do with bushfires maybe. Exactly.

I don't know if it was like compulsory. It was just like, you can do it if you want. You know, but what if it is, what if it is compulsory? It is conscription, but what you're doing is you've got to, when you finish high school, you've got to spend two years shooting and editing content for the arts. Yeah. The content house.

It's more like a new prison. It's a punitive thing. I mean, it depends on how you view the role of an editor, I suppose, whether you regard that as being a form of punishment. I do. Yeah, and it depends on how much you like the artist that you're being forced to work with, you know. Like an After Effects contingent in squadrons.

Like to be forced to edit someone's life, that would be punishing. Yeah. I think this makes me feel that there should be a version of the Oscars where the awards are given to the people who suffered the most in the making of the films. Yes.

And they have to get the pain. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess it's the statue is still, you know, that little metal guy, but now he's bent up in the middle backwards. So, you know, so his spine snaps. And the person who wins is like skateboarding off the torso. Yeah.

That's the statue. But, you know, so for example, it doesn't matter if you did, you know, because at the moment a lot of actors will try and lose a lot of weight or go through a body transformation or put themselves through that kind of thing. And that's considered one of the ways you can prove your dedication to your craft. Because they don't always win.

Yeah. While they still deserve some sort of recognition as yeah having the worst time i mean it feels like they're trying to get an oscar by you know the oscar for suffering by proxy you know but but they have the only way that those people can do it at the moment is by getting a because there's not an actual there's not a category i feel like an editor of like i know like scurvy levels or you know vitamin d yeah blood tests at the start they take a blood test yeah yeah and then maybe then if once once you do have it you'll probably have to like you know like segregate those categories into sort of like physical pain and sort of mental torment or anguish you know anguish and things like that yeah personal yeah yeah how much have you lost?

Yeah. Well, actually, two of my children are now sort of in government care. Yeah. Yeah. And then, but then it would, you know, just give those actors who have those urges just an outlet. Yes. I like the idea you do that not just for the Oscars, but for, like, the MTV Awards. Astronaut bent as well.

All of them have their subcategory of pain. You get it. And it's like, this is kids voted for this one. Or raspberries. Yeah. You know, there's the, obviously there's the award. I think, is there something for the best kiss? In the MTV Award?

Kids? Kids is the best kiss? Kids is the best kiss. Surely the kids is the best kiss. Maybe it's either MTV or Nickelodeon. Yeah, there is. It was undoubtedly the same. It does sound weird now that we say it out loud.

It's the same energy. It's the same overarching parent company. Yeah, but also like the same goo based and like, you know. Yeah, they are both very sort of oozy and splatty. Splatty. I think maybe, yeah, it could be just their graphic design, but Nickelodeon definitely has a lot of ooze. But then why does MTV feel so oozy?

It's kind of more of a sploogey, oozy. Yeah, it's more like glitter. Yeah, glitter. And then just like wet shirts. Wet shirts. Like pool parties kind of stuff like that as well. MTV's still going. Yeah, yeah.

It's still a station. And it's still and it's still playing music videos yeah but then didn't they do ghosted they did oh have you watched ghost we have no it's so good yeah um is it in a good way like good good like it's accidentally good yeah i watched it in lockdown, so maybe that would have affected my assessment. But also I think it's very good. It's basically, you know how there's ghosting when you dance?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's these two little narcissistic freaks who host it and they basically try to haunt, try to haunt? No, try to bring together the ghosted with the haunty, I think they call it. Yeah. Haunter. Oh, so it's reality TV.

So they have to like discuss whatever. Yeah, and they track down the person and they say, will you speak to the haunted? And then that person's like, I don't know, and then they make it happen. And sometimes it goes very badly. Wow. Because then they're kind of put in a position where they have to say,

why I'm never going to see you again. Yeah, well, I was trying to tell you subtly by not ever responding to your thing, but actually I just don't like your face. I hate how you eat. It takes a very moral stance on it, the show, though. It's like it's not good to be haunted. Being a ghost is one of the worst things you could do to someone.

Sure. I mean, I think having horrible truths told to me to my face can also be bad, and for it to be. You won't be hosting ghosted when it comes to Australia. And some of the people who have been ghosted after quite a long time, it's not necessarily just... Sometimes it's years that you've not gotten over your ghost. Why is it called ghosting when the whole point of a ghost is that they stick around that's true yeah you

think of me when you break up and they don't move out that's interesting yeah yeah um wow yeah i guess somebody who you still live with but you can no longer touch um but they live in your house um just because we're like... I guess because they're really slippery or they've got... They're always covered in oil. That's what's great about it. There's so many different episodes you can do.

This is David. It's actually very poetic. That's right, yeah. Is that your sponsor? This is David M. Green. We went to his house the other day and helped him pick his olives and then he got them processed

and he brought along today the olive oil. Wow, I love olive oil. I'm so glad we didn't bring the olive oil. We brought olive oil as well. Housewarming gift. That'd be a great, you know, I guess a thing where people just compete

to bring each other larger and larger bottles of olive oil. Bigger and bigger vats they're very aesthetic the bottles have you have you seen them at the shops yeah yeah no I have some of them are quite like pointy like kind of like the shard in London yeah there's a lot of olive oil design I wonder if they're probably you know them and I guess liqueurs they're probably the two groups that are having the most fun. I guess the maple syrup. People are having a bit of fun with their bottles.

How do you feel about that little handle? Little amphora handle. It's a bit cute, isn't it? Yeah, it is a bit cute. It's a bit insulting, I think, the little handle. You think I don't know how to grab this bottle of maple syrup? Yeah. How small do you think my hands are, man?

I often read recipes and it's like put a dash of maple syrup and I just won't. Really? Yeah, you can often just go like I'll just put some sugar. Yeah, exactly. I've got brown sugar, I've got honey. What do you want from me? There's a lot of shit where they're talking about different types of flour and I'm like every time I'm like you mean that the cheapest

flour from aldi yeah yeah that's that's what i'll be using i guess the idea that you could bring um more ornate bottles into sort of more traditionally normal bottle uh industries you know like i mean your cough medicines you know things like that kind of maybe even getting like the full cough like that in you know encased in glass oh like it's a cough it's a cough shaped bottle yeah somebody going like that and then you just unscrew this bit and then you pour out unscrew the fist now maybe the fist comes out like that yeah yeah yeah i'm just saying like a romantic cough thing where it's like lady and the tramp but the spaghetti is like a long string and you're one of the dogs.

One is coughing there and you're coughing. But instead of being spaghetti, it's a stream of mucus coming out of the face. I thought it would be the cough syrup. Yeah, like a double-ended bottle of cough medicine. You can get a customised, you can put your partner's face on the other dog and you put your head through this dog. Customisable, ornate glassware for cough medicine bottles. What you described made me think of something you'd find in an op shop

but from, like, 400 years ago. A plague mask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something that really symbolises something bad for future generations. But a double-ended cough medicine bottle. Yeah. That you can both swig from at the same time oh yeah dino like oh that's really cool nice medicine you can tip them upside down so there's

like two layers of liquid that kind of intersect visually but you only do you know the things i don't know what you're talking you think. You think you're drinking from separate reservoirs. Yeah, but like... They're sort of built in together. Oh, but they're kind of like... I think, you know, we don't employ romance enough to sell enough products. Right.

Famous thing. Let's get it into the world of... Romantic cough syrup is definitely a place in which, like why is the guy who's taking it not just in sort of like some tight shorts and got abs and things like that? Why isn't he sexy with his top? Yeah. Especially after COVID, don't we need to like...

Normalise? Normalise. Yeah, You know, himbos can get COVID too. Exactly. By the way, I'm raising one of my kids as a himbo. Really? Yeah, I'm raising one of my kids as a himbo. One, I'm going to educate.

How do you do that? I'm not telling them about the alphabet and stuff like that. I think just keep it... He's just kind of got a great, fun energy. the alphabet and stuff like that. I think just like, just keep it. He's just kind of like got a great fun energy. And I feel like knowledge is just going to lay him down.

Yeah. And I like it if like, if somebody goes like, you know, like the letter T and he's like, what? And like, bro, right on. He's like, oh, like like that and I think that will be I think fun for his life and for everybody yeah

are you getting him like frosted tips already you know yeah I'm trying to like you know I'm trying to keep it cool like I'm trying to get the abs

I'm doing getting him to do crunches how many children do you have I have two so it's just like one in the traditional education system and then one in the

what is it the king and the spare or the king oh yeah the spare air in the himbo. What is it, the king and the spare? Oh, yeah, the spare. The spare and the spare. The spare and the spare. That makes more sense. Yeah, so I'm calling him a homebo for now because I'm homeschooling him.

But it's a homebo mostly. You think you can try and get him into himbo academy? Yeah, but that's what I'm calling the house. There's a block at the front at the moment. Really like a 19th century psychological experiment. Yeah. Not to do anything. We're attempting to raise this boy.

The problem is that the other kid who's being, when the other kid tries to speak up in the house, I go, sorry, you don't go here like that. And then, so yeah. Yeah, it's really good. It is like the royal model, because you're raising one of them to inherit your neuroses, like your intensity, and then the other one's like, it'll be fine.

You go out. You be in the war for a couple of years. You go in the war to write a book about your family. Yeah, and how he lost his virginity in a paddock behind a pub. Is there anything in any of that, Alistair? I mean, I guess just raising a kid as a himbo. What about somebody who's homeschooling their kids but is still trying to give them the full, you know,

cliquey high school experience or whatever? So they're, like, you know, excluding them from some things. I don't know if the parent does different characters. Yeah, yeah, like kind of like a mean girls thing. You know, bullying and, yeah. I mean, it's already such bullying and yeah. I mean, it's already such a clean idea. I mean, I wish there was even more. There's almost nothing that any of us can add.

You've already just perfected it. It's hermetically sealed. The pressure of the quality. You should have a content room, like lots of vertical cameras that your kid could discover at some point and find an outlet. Yeah. And then you can online bully them.

And then you can online bully them. Yeah, you're cyberbullying. Cyberbullying. Yeah, because they're missing out on that. Just from a control room in the back of the house. Yeah. Real time. And you're creating new accounts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, now Mike from, you know, Ballarat somehow hates his content. You look like you ate too many beans. Bringing the high school, toxic high school thing to homeschooling. I mean, maybe it's sort of an incursion because a lot of the time with homeschooling, you can't give them all the experiences at home it would be crazy to think that you can so you take them along to like a you know and a bunch of other homeschool kids come and you meet up and you do like a sports day or something like that you know they have these

networks maybe there's that for bullying you know just once a once a year they get together and they go to some to some camp where there's a bunch of camp leaders and the camp leaders bully them for a few days. Like an intense... An intensive, yeah. A summer intensive. Yeah, some kids maybe who are already showing bullying tendencies at home would be encouraged to put on the fast track.

You get them in a special school for talented potential bullies. Wow, that would be a really interesting environment. Fast track. But you could just write down, you know, fast track. Were you a bully in school? Was I a bully in school? I don't think I was,

no, but I think occasionally I reflect, I'm like, I was, no. But I think occasionally I reflect, I'm like, I was definitely nastier than I thought I was being at the time. Yeah. You know? In what way? Just occasionally, like, you know, I was definitely towards the bottom of the pecking order,

but I would also sometimes say things to people who I thought were being mean to me where I'm like, that's a very cruel thing to say. You know, why would I do that? One time there was a boy in my woodworking class and he was a big guy and a top dog and he stuffed up some of his woodworking. I made fun of his woodworking. He got really upset. And I was like, on reflection, I'm like,

that was really mean of me. Why would I assume that he had like a strong self-esteem about the quality of his woodworking? Well, you know, you got the job. You're hired at the camp. This is what's great is that Andy would have had woodworking privilege because his dad was making wooden toys at the time. My dad was a woodwork teacher.

Your father a carpenter. Yeah, a woodwork teacher. I didn't know there was a back story to this. Yeah. Oh, okay. And then a toy maker. And you, like, found the one place where you were like, I feel safe and strong here.

You walk into that room. I just have so many layers. Like that. Give me a drill bit. Like that. Like that. And then you start to do anything. In that. Give me a drill bit. Like that. Like that. And then you start to... In that world.

Yeah. In that world, you were a little prince. A little wood king. Wood king is like a really terrifying... It's like one of the most terrifying classrooms. You could get so much... So much could go wrong with your body, with the bodies of others.

Yeah. So many big... And also just making something is hard. So obviously you can fail at it. Also you're telling children they can be little gods. Yes. They can make something that looks like a thing in the world. Do you think that's wrong?

It's dangerous. Yeah, it is. Maybe that's one of the dangers of teaching kids programming because I feel like programming is the closest thing to being a god. Where you can actually create a world. And you are the one who decides the rules and stuff like that. That's how I feel every time I do it. Yeah, you do a lot of programming?

Very little. Yeah, well, of course, you don't want to tap into it. I don't want to become too egomaniacal. It's like that guy in the movie, what's it, Sunshine? Where he wants to just keep staring into the sun. Yeah. Is it Sunshine? Yeah, it was good for that bit.

Yeah, and he's like, oh, I just love it. And it makes him evil. And that's what being a god, he keeps turning up the intensity of sun that he's getting directly into his eyeballs. Really? Oh, that's amazing. What's his name? Danny Boyle, is it his eyeballs really yeah that's amazing what's his name danny boyle is it oh and that's the whole premise the first half is like this

psychological intensity where it's like oh this guy's looking at the sun too much where he's looking at the sun too much and now he's gone mad yeah really from looking at the sun too much yeah so you didn't go blind yeah it feels like he's going blind i think he develops powers of some kind. Sun power. Is that why you can't look at the sun? Go mad and get powers. That's what they're not telling you.

Yeah. Oh, it's an eclipse. Don't look at the sun. Yeah, because you'll become really powerful and it'll bully people. You've got to look through this little hole. Yeah. Thank God. I get really scared whenever I see close-up video of the sun. How do you guys feel about seeing?

Like when they have that video and you can see everything boiling and the surface and the movement of stuff. I like it. Okay. Yeah, but that's because you've stared into the sun by programming. I already know what it's like to be in the sun. Yeah, no, I think it's good. It reminds you, like, sometimes I think to comfort myself

that the sun will extinguish itself at some point. So everything we do is pointless, really. You find that comforting? Yeah, like, you know, when you're worried about, like, oh, your festival show, don't worry. The sun's going to go, and so will you, probably before that. One day all the posters I still have at home will be burnt up as the sun expands.

I feel guilty about not putting up all these posters, but don't worry, one day the sun will die. The only thing all physicists agree on is that the universe will end. Yeah, exactly. It will end. You don't know. You won't be there. Absolutely.

Yeah. I'm just going to write down that programming does to you what staring into the sun does to that guy. Well, yeah, I mean, the similarities are very good and maybe you could have some scenes in which Vidya's character, who will be called Vidya, is looking at a huge screen like she's looking at the sun and she's got her code for her. Maybe the screen could be sun-shaped.

What's that? The screen could be sun-shaped. Yeah, yeah, round screen. her code for her. Maybe the screen could be sun-shaped. What's that? The screen could be sun-shaped. Like a real programming kind of like, you know, head kind of idea where they're like, yeah, no, it's better if it's round. Better if it's round. Yeah. I feel like we're entering

an orb era. You think orbs are going to be big? Orbs are big. Is that big orb in Las Vegas? Exactly. I feel like that was now it's entered the mainstream. I have been trying to say this for a few years. No one's listened. Yeah.

But now U2 has done it. Maybe people. Oh, were they inside an orb when they did that? They were inside the sphere, yeah. The sphere, which, you know, is half an orb. Of course. It's actually most of an orb. It's actually half an orb.

Was it like flat? Was it cut through the half? I think it's flat at the bottom, but I think it of an orb. That's weird. Was it like flat? Was it cut through the half? I think it's flat at the bottom, but I think it goes down quite. Yeah, underneath. What's happening? There's editors. There's editors in there. Filming content with all the people's feet and asses and things like that.

People love ass content. And then who's that guy? Do you know Sam Altman, the tech dude? No. He released this orb that scans your eyes. Oh, yeah. What does it do? What does it do orb that scans your eyes. Oh yeah. What does it do? What does it do when it scans your eyes? It offers

people a chance to look into the orb for all their eye data. Isn't that from Minority Report? Has everyone a chance to look into the orb? Yeah, you can look into the orb and then you get... So it gets your eye data. You get to look into the orb.

And then you get like a crypto token of some kind that's related to the orb. And you got to look into it. And you got to look into the orb. Apparently like hundreds of thousands of people have signed up. Have you guys looked into the orb yet? Not yet. Yeah. I love the idea that there could be just like a single orb.

And I guess this is what this guy has created. He's created, yeah. So it's just one orb? It's not like he's manufacturing orbs? I don't know if he sent the orb out. Is it just one or are there multiple? I'm not sure. I didn't read that far.

This feels more like an artwork than a sketch idea, but the idea that there is one orb and you go there, and part of it is that you go there and it registers all your data? Is this exactly what this guy has done? It's kind of what this is. Okay. And then you go into its database.

You can't top that guy. How can I top this guy? I mean, yeah. Do I want to be a part of it? Well, in Lord of the Rings, there's those orbs that you look into. We already have snow globes. What about

evil snow globes? How could tech guys fuck up a snow globe? Oh, easel. Yeah. Like, I mean, like, what's this? I mean, I feel like, you know, the meta was kind of the AI. I don't care what anybody says. I can't wait to get into that metaverse, man.

But it feels like that was a bit of, like, a snow globe situation. They wanted to make you feel you were in a snow globe when you put on the the goggles is that what you're saying um i don't really know what i'm saying except that like they were trying to create a simulacrum of the real world much like in a snow globe and that we all lived in there and ignored our regular lives or whatever except for making money making money on a regular life so we can go spend it on new shirts in the metaverse. Maybe the universe is a snow globe.

Isn't that the end of a TV show? That's MIB at the end of Men in Black, I think. We're in a marble. We're in an orb. But that film's on Earth, so it's also in the globe. Yeah, that's right. And I like to think that maybe historians will look back on your claim of this being the snowball, films on Earth, so it's also in the globe. Yeah, that's right. And I like to think that maybe historians

will look back on your claim of this being the snowball, the globe, the globe era. No, it was the orb era. Orb era. They'll go, actually, we've looked a bit further back, and we think the orb era started at the end of the Men in Black movie. Like that. And that's when it really began to put

into the people, the minds of perhaps we are in ourselves an orb. And then the circles started appearing everywhere. 3D circles. In art, in science. Yeah. I guess there was the brief like pondering the orb meme. Yeah, there was the pondering, you know, the orb.

Yeah, these things come in waves. Yeah. Well, what about like an orb you can wear? Like a Zorb. Yeah, like a Zorb, but it just kind of goes, your neck is out, kind of like one of those clown acts when you're in a bubble or whatever like this. And it removes all of your body shape. So then suddenly you're like, except for the face. But then, unless you could wear another little orb, but it's a more visible, you can see through. It's like a one-way mirror. Like this. And so then everybody way mirror like this and so then

everybody gets around like this and nobody gets judged for their body it's like a really most orbs are transparent that's right yeah

you can see your body through it sure but maybe we can get that like that beautiful maybe there could be some glowing light or something

or like that you know that bathroom frosting or like when someone touches you like it's electric so like there's like you It's electric So like those So why are we doing that?

Is it for body issues? Is it to create a new society That's entirely equal? The society is entirely equal Then suddenly it's your Bouncing rhythm that actually is the We'll find a way We'll find a way to... We'll find a way to...

Have you seen her bouncing rhythm? Oh, my God. I'm sorry, the double... You can take that straight back to your homeschool and teach the kids to bully based on that. Some people could be projecting full visuals on there. That's right. There'll still be a class system, which is important.

I'm calling it the double wearable orb solution. Double, double. Yeah, I mean, I feel like we should head towards, we should be working towards a single orb. I think if I was Steve Jobs of this orb world, I don't think you'd want the double orb. I think that's ungainly. I think you need to be inside a single entire orb.

I think people need to see some shape. I think they just need to know where the head is. I think it just helps. I mean, I guess that makes people who feel bad for being short or whatever, that might make them feel bad. But then the very tall, do we have to make the orb bigger than the tallest person? So that everybody can be completely anonymous in their orb. You could be trying to make eye contact.

Are we talking eye contact. Yeah. Are we talking eye contact in this world? What are we... I guess you look wherever in the orb, and then your eyes will be projected at eye level to the person inside. They get a projection and things like that. Wait, hang on. There's a camera inside the orb.

Just your eyes? It's showing people what's inside the orb. No, wait, no, wait. It'll show you... Just your eyes on the outside of the orb? Oh, no, I guess, yeah. Wait, where do I want our eyes in there? Maybe one big eyeball? So, you can't see inside

the orb. The orbs are just there. This is a great sketch idea, by the way. And there's projections on the orb that are basically your avatars. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. I think that makes sense. Yeah. Now, what are we doing with doorways?

Just make it a round. We're changing them. We're changing them. They're like the Hobbiton. Yeah. Great. And then, like, we can go through everything, like go everywhere through big pipes.

Yeah. You know, rolling down big pipes like marbles. Finally, a chute-based system of power. Chute-based. Yeah. I guess then it does take us more to the Zorb this way. It's getting crazy. It is getting dangerously close. Then I guess you could just walk inside it like this

and you don't have to touch the ground. Well, of course you're walking inside it. No, but I just meant like it's... Your feet. Yeah, it just meant your feet are touching the ground. Oh, I didn't know that. Like that. Just like an inflatable balloon.

Like you're like an egg. You're like a cartoon egg where the chicken has an inflatable hatch. More like Humpty Dumpty kind of. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, but I mean if you're not even touching the ground, Like a cartoon egg where the chicken hasn't fully hatched. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But, I mean, if you're not even touching the ground, you know, I mean, then that allows you, I guess,

you could just be laying down as well. That way you don't even have to remain in the standing position in the way society forces us. This is getting to, like, when they first announced the Segway and they're like, this will revolutionise. Steve Jobs is like, just wait for when they show you what this thing is. I think this would be a really good thing for like a big tech company to put out there i think that could be the sketch

for me that it's like the big tech company has decided this is what everybody's going to want in the future like a meta it's a cross between meta and google glass kind of thing you're living inside your your orb running around in your orb and you could be like the problems that we've tried to like put you inside the metaverse which is like an orb in your mind but what if you could be in an actual orb yeah that's right and then you could have whatever difference is that it's an actual orb now and you can have it whatever the world is you could just have it projected on the outside to you know like on top of reality yes you, you don't like the colour of that wall. It's gone.

I like the phrase. I like thinking of this as a Humpty Dumpty thing. It's a Humpty Dumpty thing. I like just the word Humpty Dumpty. I think it's really good. I think it needs to come into the tech world. I think Humptying or Dumptying. Humptying.

Yeah. I mean, what about both? Maybe they're antonyms of each other. Oh, to Humpty or Dum Humptying. Yeah. I mean, what about both? Maybe they're antonyms of each other. Oh, to Humpty or Dumpty? Yeah. The duality of man? Yeah. To a Humpty or a Dumpty.

Yeah, that's right. And so, you know, and like maybe when the startup is really starting to grow, you know, starting to go really good, starting to Humpty. And then when the inevitable, like the funding disappears and they realize they don't actually know how to monetize this thing, that's when it starts to dumpty. It's the pump and dump. It's the Humpty and the Dumpty.

Yeah, because when people opt out of their orbs, that's when they're dumptying. They're moving the movement. But when they're getting into the orb and having an orb-based life, they're Humpty. They're in there. Because Humpty Dumpty implies a crack at some point. That's right.

It's only the Dumpty point. If his name had just been Humpty, I feel like it would have stayed on that wall. Yeah, that's right. Like, eh, Dumpty. That's right. And so the CEO will be like, but look, we promise you,

despite what people are saying about the Humpty Dumpty, these things will never crack. These things are unbreakable and things like that. But then what he's not saying, that's under there, is that the cracking actually happens, it's a mental thing Oh wow. You realise I cannot be in this orb anymore. I cannot help

Horses can't help with Yeah, all the king's horses all the king's men. They couldn't help with physical they can't help with psychological. No, all they can do is monetising being in the world Horses are fantastic with fixing physical problems You'd be amazed at what a horse can do. A well trained medical horse can do all sorts

of stuff yeah that was very convincing i believe that i mean it's it's it's amazing um i've never heard of a well-trained medical horse that's my fault performing surgery we need to do the work. Well, were they? Did horses help in World War I? Yeah. I mean, help? They must have, like, done something. You know, like, you stand behind them, stop musket bullets, you know, things like that. Oh, that's nice. It was that film, War Horse.

Yeah. That's right, yeah, yeah. And they must have pulled some chariots, you know, before all the motorised motorbikes and stuff. Yeah. Segways, yes. I don't know about World War I, though. What about a horse you can stand on like this

and lean forward and it runs? There's cavalry in there. A two-legged horse like a Segway. I think that would be horses. I feel like war horses sat in World War I. I think there were horses in World War I. Yeah, I think there were horses. Or were they medics?

It feels like they were more soldiers. Were they medics? I mean, they would help, I think, if you had like a leg that needed to be chopped off and you wanted to saw through it, but you needed that bone to be broken, they could just go... Also, you know, if you give them an apple,

they can bite your fingers off, right? If you don't do it right, if you don't do it with a flat hand, maybe they could be used for medical purposes. You put an apple on the leg, you feed it to the horse, but you don't bend, you don't have the leg flat, the horse will bite through the leg. Have you seen John Wick 3? I have not seen it yet.

I watched them all on a plane recently, I've never seen them. Wick's on a plane, sorry. And the weapons he uses get better and better, at one point he uses a horse as a weapon by positioning the guy behind it, tapping the horse, the horse does a double kick into the guy's head, dead. Wow. Oh horse does a double kick into the guy's head. Dad, wow. Oh, like a Rube Goldberg horse situation. Like, it's very direct, but yeah, it's kind of a quick horse kicks.

I've always wanted to build a Rube Goldberg machine. Let me tell you, it's a nightmare. Have you tried? My children are constantly asking to build, because they're too scared to watch any show that contains any drama or anything oh they're quite young and they don't like that kind of stuff okay but what they do love is watching rube goldberg machines so we watch a lot of rube goldberg machines and then they ask to make a lot of rube goldberg machines and it is you have not been stressed until you have tried to build a Rube Goldberg machine with three toddlers.

It is almost impossible. Their ambitions are limitless. Their ability to, because it's all delicate balance. It's all balance. This is the Ira Glass taste possibility. That's right. Their taste is really good, but their ability to build rube goldberg machines is

non-existent and so it is just it's just a constant state of like and what is their grasp of physics yeah sure yeah you know what the ultimate is of course is the a rube goldberg machine that can build rube Goldberg machines. It goes down and knocks... Wouldn't that defeat the point? Well, I mean... Then it does something. I mean, that is technically what an AI is.

You're probably right. You're probably right. But this is probably also a guy who's trying to claim... What's the thing where a machine keeps... Perpetual motion. Perpetual motion. And it keeps building new Rube Goldberg machines. But probably what it does is it makes ones

that have less and less energy as it goes. But if you can get like five rotations out of it, you know. But then that means it has to create a Rube Goldberg machine that can create its own Rube Goldberg machine. And so, but maybe that's the one place where we could get perpetual motion. I think maybe we just haven't got it complicated enough. If the investors are watching for long enough that it's made three Rube Goldberg machines, you're like, anyway, it's going to keep going. Yeah.

You're like, okay. Yeah, all right, I'll sign a thing. Well, that's already more than we needed. So, yeah, sure, I guess we'll invest. This is almost nothing. I'm writing it down, though. Okay. Recursive Rube Goldberg.

Yeah, recursive. That's a good word. Yeah. That's a very programmer term. Well, you know. Rube Goldberg Industrial Complex. Yeah, know. Rube Goldberg Industrial Complex. Yeah, it's Rube Goldberg Industrial Complex. Well, you know, you could also have a...

Big Rube Goldberg. Big Rube. Big Rube Goldberg. Oh, man. You know, a big part of the fun of it is the word Rube Goldberg. It is. It's the perfect comedy name, I think. Yes.

It's got everything. Short first name, long second name. Is that what you want in comedy? Actually, usually it's the other way around, I think. I think just having the imbalance is good. Yeah, what's a funnier name for Rube Goldberg? Which is basically just coming up with a funny name. Yeah, maybe like...

Hot Stanton Strick. Case out, Rube Goldkirk. It's not as good. Yeah. No. I think Rube really does a lot of the work. Rube does so much work. Do you think unbalanced names are good for comedy?

I think they are, yes. I think, you know, one long syllable, one really short, hard... What's an example that's not Rube Goldberg? Okay. Stephanie Plopp. Oh, wow. Okay. Short last name.

Yeah. Cool. What about Aine Krabappel? Yeah. Hieronymus Beef. Hieronymus Beef? Cool. Yeah.

I think that kind of thing, probably. But that might be comedy 101. There may be higher levels. No, I just, I feel like maybe this is what's been going wrong. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. You've got the same number of syllables in your first name and your last name. You could just take.

It's so balanced. You could take one syllable from one of the names and put it onto the other one. And so then you don't have to change your name, you know, and that way it could just be like, oh, well, my last name is now three syllables, my first name. Or you could have don't have to change your name. You know, and that way it could just be like, oh, well, my last name is now three syllables, my first name.

I'm just moving the pause. Yes. It could be Vidya Ra and then Jaan. I don't know if it's... Yeah, or Ja Rajan Vid. Like, I mean,

I'm laughing already. Are you laughing? What are you laughing? No, no, no. I mean, it's just because we're always watching comedy. And so now we go, that's funny. That's funny. OK.

The SEO would be good. They should make a machine that can laugh for comedians. Because if they can do that thing. Like a fleshlight, but for telling jokes. OK. That's good, too. Like like it's like you open it up and it's a mouth but it laughs when you tell a joke that works write it down alice yeah write it down you should wear it like a corsage like a little mat and so because you know when you sit around with your comedy friends and someone says something funny as you know we just go that's funny yeah nobody laughs right so but to show

your friend that you care you could just press it and you could laugh that's good you don't have to do it could also be we could build build a rat with a sense of humor and a human mouth we put that we put that ear on the back of that mouse. And you get one of those rats that you can carry on your shoulder. Yeah, a little ear and a little mouth on the rat. Yeah, an ear to hear human jokes with. Yes, and a mouth to laugh. The rat, maybe the rat's brain isn't involved.

Maybe there's a separate brain. The rat is just there to provide the organic substructure, keep the mouth and the ear alive. I think the rat's tail would be connected to a wire that would go into your brain. Well, that I'm interested in. Is it the rat's sense of humour or is it linked to you? Because I think it probably does need to be linked

to that part of your brain. Yeah, maybe we could do this with Neuralink. So we're trying to make something that lasts on your behalf if you find something funny and don't have the... Nobody in the circle of friends is laughing at your jokes. But obviously, if you said it out loud, you thought it was funny. So it goes, ha! Like, you go...

So it's for the person telling you to have at least one person. Yeah. You go, ah! You know. And so that's because he was an idiot. Like that. And then the rat's like, ah! While everybody else is like...

Does the rat's tail go up and into your ear, do you think? To connect, to interface with your brain? I don't know where the funny part of the brain is, but... Locate the sense of humour. Yeah, locate it. Do you guys ever look at... Remember when Elon Musk had that comedy website? Oh, yeah.

I remember what it was called. It was like the onion, but not the... He hired a bunch of onion writers. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real shame. Was it called like Jad or something like that? It was like something like a one word.

Yeah. Muck. Jad. There was Jash for a while, which was like Silverman and the Eric. Oh, yeah. That was funny. Tim and Eric and stuff like that. And they were doing that YouTube stuff.

But it was just in that kind of tech naming kind of convention. I just found that sketch that they did about a gun that is always firing. I thought that was really funny. Was it good? Yeah it was really good. Wow they made some good stuff. They did make some good stuff until he started being like hey what if you did

this and then it shut down and then he just started sharing the Babylon Bee. It does feel like his whole life has been about trying to get people to validate that he's funny. Yes. It feels like that's why he bought Twitter. Trying to reshape the whole of reality. Of reality.

I can't. He wants us all to be that rat. Yeah. Yeah. Be that rat. Well, he's literally building something so that he can control people's brains. All the monkeys that are dying. They're the ones that didn't find his jokes funny.

Yeah, it wasn't anything wrong with technology. He just killed them. Yeah, and so now he's starting human trials, and then he'll find out which people are more into his sense of humor, and I guess they're probably more likely to get help. more into his sense of humor. And I guess they're probably more likely to get help. It's like, well, all you people might be able to have your disabilities reversed by this thing,

but let me just say something first. And then he tells a joke, and then whoever laughs, he goes, all right, you, you, you. All right, come on. Yeah. Anyway, that's probably sadder than it is anything. Like, I think this is real. This is happening right now. Well, it's also just like we're watching somebody become a dictator of some form.

A new kind of dictator, though. That's exciting. Yeah. He bought his own kingdom. Yeah. And then he just gets mocked nonstop on it. And all he can do, I guess, is just shadow ban or ban people or whatever. Have you moved to Blue Sky? We have moved. Yeah, like halfway. I'm still kind of it's a lot it's hard it's hard to start again and it's hard to

start yeah I mean it's fine I just I like it's still the same thing I don't feel like it's like I get that much success anyway so I kind of just am posting always posting what feels like partially in the void anyway so yeah it doesn't make that much of a difference and it's kind of just am posting always posting what feels like partially in the void anyway so it doesn't make that much of a difference and it's kind of nice that you're like oh yes this doesn't matter yeah it is nice every time I do something on Blue Sky I'm like I don't care if no one responds to this

because this doesn't feel real yeah so there is something a little bit healthier about it in that way I think that's why I liked Be Real because like yeah I didn't get on be real yeah i because i was like oh you only have like 20 people who's yeah who's watching like there's you know i still get it most days and then i kind of do it and there's just other people you just see them inside their lives there's like and it's like it's not flattering for anybody

and so there's kind of something nice which is like here's my dumb face and whatever i'm doing right now whenever i get to it and i think it was like oh this is weird like connecting and you know what is going on in other people's lives but there's no yeah there's nothing else to it other than that like yeah it's a weird it's weird but then it makes it feel weirder to be like let me let me have that connection with you where we to add people on that yeah yeah i'd love to see this part of you yeah where you're like inside your orb yeah people rarely even smile they're just like what else what else could we share on social media what other part of our lives could we expose to people in order to what's left what yeah i mean health records

yeah gastro. Yeah, I feel like they already do... Like, on TikTok, there's a doctor who does, like, colonoscopies and just, you know, shows those. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yes.

Yeah, I mean, like, do we need... Is it cameras? Do we just need data? Do we need, like, processing speeds? Yeah, is it somehow, like, to send out smells to people or... Internal smells. Yeah, like, you know, you could have a device that allows you to feel the texture of people's skin, right?

So whatever the screen somehow is this adaptive technology and they have a sensor on their skin at all times right and uh and that transmits to this social network data about what their skin is like in terms of goosebumps sweat temperature you know all that kind of stuff and you have this little device maybe it's part of your phone but you flick through it and like you are stroking the hand yeah there's stroking the skin a patch of the skin i think it's like it's kind of human contact like that's what we're missing that's coming to my mind if that is like proof of life for a hostage yeah i mean that's good too like the president is like stroking his child's thing is like they're

still alive yeah yeah and then you can see like you know like as an influencer on the on the skin app uh skin share uh you can just like be like taking really good care of just that one patch of skin yeah you're like shaving it you're i don't know you're moisturizing it matches you at mcdonald's and like hey it's that one patch of skin that's good yeah well you should follow me if you want to see that one patch if you like that patch you know what's weirdly beautiful thermal signatures when you look at like the thermal vision yeah like infrared yeah like there should be artists who just manipulate their body temperature to create pictures i like that i think being able to share my my thermal signature because i did take a couple foes one day, it was an engineer I was living with, and he had got a thermal camera.

And you could just like go for a run and you come back and you're just like, ah. And so like, yeah. Radiate. Yeah, radiate. Yeah, like a god. Please write down skin touch social network. I think because, you know, what do people feel like they're missing

with our distributed lives and this digital age? It's human contact, physical human contact. Well, now there's an app for that. The idea that maybe then the only fans of it, even adults, are here. How quickly do you think it would turn into a thing where people pay you to

get cold? All the time. yeah i suppose people could be rubbing their genitals up against your skin that's on the little thing but you're not hang on yeah are you no no you're not you're not feeling it i don't feel it yeah no but they'd be like yeah move it over your genitals yeah so like you know no no but they you they have a little bit of a sample of your skin on their thing, so they could put it on their body. Yeah, yeah. No, I know. But I mean, like, I guess whatever's taking in the thing

that you could move it in, you could put it on a nipple. Yeah, I suppose so. Like an iPad. Do you get a bigger pad? Yeah. Oh, yeah, but it's, like, enlarged to the fact that your pores are, like, this big. Yeah, like, is it the same thing expanded, or do you...

Oh, yeah. Is it optimized for iPads, or is it just i feel like that's like it's the logical because like you know how like celebrities are like um you know uh giving out their like their meta humans now like their avatars like you can buy oh yeah favorite celebrities thing i think on snapchat and stuff yeah at the moment um so but like skin is the next point for that yeah um it's almost like saying you're a fan if you buy their skin we haven't we haven't got so far as to share like electron microscopy of real super close-ups of bits of our body you know like the the mites that are

living in our eyebrows and you know that kind of. They have whole lives we don't even know about. Yeah. And the idea that suddenly if you look at them and then we will judge whether or not some people's mites are beautiful or ugly. Do you think people will be airbrushing? Yeah. And then we'll be like, well, you know what, I'm actually getting a mite transplant on my eyelids so that I can get sort of a nicer, curvier shape of a mite.

So the path that they're burrowing is more linear. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and like, you've had a fecal transplant. Of course, yeah, yeah. They've already come up on the podcast a couple of times. Oh, okay. We were getting them from the dead,

scooping them out of their body. And then, sorry. Oh, no, wait. There was one where when you're, you know, somebody died and then you would just have a tube directly come in. And then it would just kind of come in, I guess, not like a sneeze, but like, you know, it would just... Like the same rat technology.

It sounds like the cough technology. The cough technology. It's sort of connective. Oh, yeah. We're a very connective, tube-based podcast. It's a customisable, ornate glass. All right, well, we won't go there. I mean, to get a celebrity fecal transplant.

They're literally living in you. Yeah, you've got the gut. I've got the same gut biome as Tom Hanks. Who's his gut? Tom Hanks. Do you want Tom Hanks? That would be my first choice. I mean, he's beloved. Yeah. Yeah. He seems his gut? Tom Hanks. Do you want Tom Hanks? That would be my first choice. I mean, he's beloved.

Yeah. Yeah. He seems to have an even temperament. The thing is, the gut is part of the brain. Yeah. You discussed this in your fecal transplant. No, no. We didn't get that far.

I like that. So the thing is, maybe some of his acting skill is in his gut. I think some of your, more than like a heart transplant, I feel a fecal transplant would give you the personality of somebody else. Yes. Very possible. It would be great to see before and after. Because he's like, let's say Tom Hanks could do it with young Tom Hanks

and sort of get back some of that magic that he had pre-Elvis. You could freeze your old people. That's what we need to be doing. And in the future, go back to it. We need to be prior freezing our shit. Yeah. That's right. We should go into the future, go back to it. We need to be prior freezing our shit. Yeah. Yeah. That's right.

We should go into the place where we freeze our eggs, right? Well, not, like, I don't freeze my eggs. But, like, yeah. And then, you know, you're just like, hey, can I freeze my shit? Should I take a little dump in this? You've got all these canisters. You're not using all of them. You should freeze your shit at, like, 21. And put it back put it back in when you're like yeah 50 60 when you're going through

all your illnesses yeah you start feeling things like slowing down and kind of like breaking apart just like that you go it's time and then you're like like that i'm not sure exactly bottoms up i think that's it. I think you're correct. Alistair's right. I'm sorry, everybody. All right, look. I don't know. Has Tom Hanks lost it a little bit?

Lost what? I think I saw the – look, I'm only basing this entirely on previews. But when I saw the character that he was playing in Elvis, I was like, Tom Hanks has lost it. Tom Hanks is in Elvis? Yeah, he's the man. He plays the colonel. And then I saw him in a preview for some movie where he steps in dog some TV show, maybe on Apple or something like that, where he steps

in dog shit. Otto? Was that a man called Otto? I think something like that, yeah. What's this guy wearing a big fat suit? He's treading in dog shit. This guy's lost. Yeah, I know, but there's something in his acting where it was just like, I was like, I don't believe you anymore. But maybe it's just I've seen him too much. You know what?

It's not quite related, but it might be useful for you, is that he does have a himbo son. That's true. And he's got a normal son. He's doing really well. Or a more Tom Hanks-y son. And his name is Chet. Chet doing okay?

He does have a himbo. This is very inspirational. I can teach my child patois. How to speak it like Chet. I mean, I could just show him Chet videos. Like that. Yeah, it's one of those things where you're like, how? How is he his son?

Yeah, it is crazy. Maybe he started early. Maybe he had a plan like you. Wait, because who's older? I assume Colin's older. No, Chet's older. Is Chet older? Really?

I think Chet's from the first marriage. Oh. And Colin's like... Colin looks older. We could look this up, but I don't want to. Maybe. Say that again? We could look this up, but I don't want to.

No, no, no, I don't want to. I want to feel it out. I think we can work this out from first principles. Okay, let's go back to basics. Who was the one who was in the Jumanji movie? Was there one in the Jumanji movie? Was that one of the kids? I think Colin appears in one in the Jumanji movie? Was there one in the Jumanji movie? Was that one of the kids?

I think Colin appears in one of the Jumanji movies. I guess it would be Colin because he can act. Yeah. I have no idea. He was in the Fargo TV series. Is that what you're thinking of? He was in Fargo? They're very similar. The temptation to look this up is really...

No, no, no, we can't. He was in Fargo. He was in stuff before Fargo. So you're saying your bet's on Colin being the eldest. I think so. I wonder if the...

I guess... I don't know. I mean, look, there is a kid in Jumanji who could be a little bit, you know, a little bit Hanksian. Yeah.

You know, but... No, I think it's like come home at the end. I feel like he's there. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like at the dinner they go to Yeah, something like that He is in Jumanji very briefly

Who's this? Colin Hanks When they're at the party where the kids meet them but they don't know them I think that means he must be older than Chet Because Chet still seems like a dude in his 20s Maybe he just didn't go into acting But that doesn't mean he's not in Jumanji Maybe Chet got stuck in Jumanji

His mind is trapped in Jumanji. Maybe Chet got stuck in Jumanji. Oh! His mind is trapped in Jumanji, but his body remains on Earth. Chet is 50 years old. How would you feel if the government said to Tom Hanks, everybody agrees

we want to know what's going on with your kids. We're going to take them and cut them open and do experiments. Do you think that would be okay? I know he's going on with your kids we're going to take them and cut them open and do experiments do you think that would be okay i know he's beloved what was the question how would you feel about this we as the people yeah right we should petition the government in some way to find out what's going on with the hanks children right and do some analysis the hanks review right do like a like a.T. style alien autopsy on the Hanks boys.

Entertainment Tonight. Right. Entertainment Tonight. Autopsy. Yes. Yeah, I mean, that just sounds fun. I feel like I know. I feel like it was like an Alistair.

Yeah. Like Tom Hanks just went, could I raise this kid? Yeah. Could I do this? Could I do this? Could I engineer this character from character from it's his greatest acting challenge maybe he raised him in character this is what i think he is raising hearing we need to see what roles he was playing at the key ages in the yeah formative ages no but i think i think he

goes he goes home and he's inside the house. He's a different character. And we'll never see that character. Or it was like a, you know, like, what's that Dr Faustus where you make a bargain with the devil? Tom Hanks, like, for his career and for being so well-liked, they were like, one of your kids is going to talk patois. I actually, you boys have said, you boys? You boys have said patois a few times

yeah yeah the word patois has been said a few times I don't actually know what it means it's like a Jamaican oh wow

like not if I should do it no no no I'm not gonna do it I just mean like a like a kind of Jamaican accent but like a a kind of dialect

while they're speaking English but is he doing it as a bit or is that how he talks? It's how he loves to talk sometimes. Yeah. You know how there's like those white rapper kind of guys? Yeah, wow.

Who flip into this mode. It's like the Jamaican... Is he a rapper? He tries. Yeah, okay. Do you speak French? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Is that like as in... Well, it sounds like a French word. Yeah, no, that's right. Yeah, I just don't know what it means. I left when I was 13, so I don't know any real adult words. You're a limbo in French. Yeah, like, yeah. Because I'm about to go back for a bit.

Yeah. And so I know, like, I feel like I'm going back with the dialogue, like, with the vocabulary of a 13-year-old who wasn't doing that well anyway, but then 26 years of that degrading. Yeah. And so I'm going back and I'm going to be like, So you can't say anything like constitution or intergovernmental. I mean, yeah, yeah. I don't think I'm going to like, yeah.

Intergovernmental. It sounds pretty similar. It's lucky that you just chose words that feel like constitution. I think there was a word. I think in primary school people were saying one of the biggest words, and it is essentially the anti-constitution. It's like anti-constitution. So I think it is anti-constitutionally.

You guys were saying that a lot? We were like, ah! It was like, ah! Yeah, very activist children. I was going to say, I guess they are. Where were you? In a place just outside of Montreal called Boisbrien, which is just like, means shiny wood.

But I think it's just a suburb of Montreal, essentially. What about this? But not on the island. Rebel school. Okay? Yeah, right. All right. It's school for rebels.

Yeah. A lot of structure. Right? Yeah, yeah. Teaching your kids the basics of rebelling. Yeah. We teach the four R's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rebel, rebel, rebel and rebel. And writing. And writing. I was rebelling when I counted the R's. Rebel, rebel, rebel, and don't follow the rules. And so then the kids that are there that are rebelling are sort of like, are in like, you know, sort of like leather patches. They're the good students.

Yeah, so they look very professorial and stuff like that, and they're being like real nerds. Is that like what Montessori is? Maybe. It's like we give you all this freedom and you don't know. Just play with these sticks and stuff. Yeah, how do you be a cool kid or a nerd kid when? You just get to do whatever you want.

Yeah. Curriculum is rebellion. If the teacher's not telling you you can't do this or you can't do that, you don't get to distinguish yourself in those terms. Could be. Wow. What about this? Montessoris. Is that anything? Montessoris. do this or you can't do that you don't get to distinguish yourself in those terms could be wow what about this montasaurus is that anything uh yeah like a dinosaur a wooden dinosaur covered in locks yeah latches and when you unlock it what happens wait sorry i'm just i mean you just put all the locks back on okay so it's more like a meditation. I guess Montasaurus would be a sort of open plan Jurassic Park

in which they let the dinosaurs... Like the real Jurassic Park. Well... It's very planned. Well, this one, there were no things to be... There were no fences to start with in the Montasaurus Academy. Yeah. And all the dinosaurs are allowed to roam.

And then they naturally were peaceful when they didn't have boundaries. They didn't rebel. They didn't rebel. I'm so sorry. and all the dinosaurs are allowed to roam and make mistakes. They didn't rebel. They didn't rebel. I'm so sorry. It's just a different educational philosophy. But it is still a dinosaur? There are dinosaurs. Well, there are dinosaurs.

Montasaurus. Sorry. That's the idea. Sorry. It's now, you're still not listening. No, I apologize. Because I've been getting lots of messages. Yes, I just wasn't sure if people would be stuck outside.

I'm going to go and let them in. Oh, wow. Has it already been an hour? It has been an hour. I hope it hasn't felt like much longer. It's because what we did is we forgot to tell everybody the door code to get in. That's right. And then we were going to, and then Andy was like.

I was going to say it out loud, and I was like, don't say it out loud. Yeah, yeah. And then I was going to say, yeah, well, this will be easy if we just say it to everybody. And so then, yeah. And so now we're stuck doing it while we're doing it. And then we're also waiting until way too late to let people know because they get to the door and then they can't come in. So it's just because I have to then also go and check the schedule and see who's coming up next. Also, the code is not obvious.

Yeah. Like where to put it in. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot that it's that was half the puzzle oh yeah it's a real montessoros kind of yeah and because i also didn't tell you that it was a code either i just sent you a number and then yeah but um i'll wait for andy to get back but do you think it would be okay if we thank you for having come on that would be fine sure yeah do you have anything you'd like to plug not oh do you go first you have a show on well

yeah i'm doing a fringe show oh my gosh anyone like to come it's on tonight tomorrow night thursday friday night would it be would it be wrong of me to call it award winning yes unless you've just developed a new award unless there's an award right now you can have an Oscar for suffering. Award aware. Yeah. What's the name of the show? Sorry, the name is Scoot Lambrock, Journey to the Infinite Void.

And that works with your name conventions. Absolutely. I was really happy to hear your system. Yeah, you're correct. Well done. And it's about space, right? It's very, very cool. Very connected.

Do you have anything you want to promote? No. Great. Len, thank you so much. I'm Scott Lindberg. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. And please welcome Hayden and Cass. And Cass, yes. How are you? Pretty good. We got coffees for you.

Oh my gosh. This is so nice. Thank you. Don got coffees for you. Oh my gosh, this is so nice. Donuts maybe? Also donuts. Oh my gosh, thank you so much. Wow. Leesman's breakfast. This is great.

I love this. Thanks so much for coming on, guys. Bye, thank you. Okay, here's something I want to know about donuts, right? How can I get donuts that taste as good as Americans make it seem like they taste in movies and TV shows? I think, so I've heard that the reason that police people in the US are like donuts is because donut shops are the only place that will open like after 10pm. So if you were working really late at night. Why are donut shops open so late?

Why is nothing else open? But, I mean, that doesn't... It doesn't help. I'm sorry, it doesn't really give you the answer. It gives you an answer. Yeah, sure. I'm sorry about yelling at you. But what I want to say to your answer is, I think we need to be tired

and have no other options and to be hungry. But we also have to be bored, because I think they're on stakeouts. Yeah. I think you have to be sitting in a car, very bored, and then someone and to be hungry. But we also have to be bored because I think they're on stakeouts. Yeah. I think that you have to be sitting in a car, very bored, and then someone has to be like, I want to get a donut. This is a great concept for a restaurant. Yeah. It's called stakeout, right?

Yes. That's spelled. Really good question, a.k.a. Oh, what? I'm sorry. It's stakeout. I am so disappointed. I've still got's takeout. I'm so disappointed. I've still got the takeout pun in there.

Oh. But all the tables are cop cars. You sit in cop cars looking at each other. They bring the food up to the window and it's coffee, donuts. And it's mostly wrappers. It's like a parcel with a cheeseburger. You eat it and then you've got to throw it on the dash or on the ground. That's great.

Write it down. It's a big restaurant. I think there needs to be more restaurants where you sit in rows of two not facing each other. Theater style seating. And you're looking at the people in the other car. You can go to shows, like cabaret shows, where they have restaurant-style seating. You can't go to restaurants where they have theater-style seating.

That feels like an imbalance. All right, so can we build on that? You can call it theater-y. Theater-y. Theater-y. Write it down. Write it down. What number are you on by the way

I think we're on I think we're actually 136 but they're basing a lot of the time on just how many times I've written things down by the way there's no one else here yeah yeah this is all like automatically just the robots

it's all teaching itself 137 now sorry I don't know if anyone i assume every guest has mentioned this so far but there's like a pair of underpants outside the door of this studio have you do you know about this um oh you know what it is i think that they are probably mine and i because i remember coming not coming sorry i really had to get rid of them i i remember thinking i was, you know what? It would be great to just have an extra pair of underpants.

Just in case. Just in case. I'll just leave them here on the ground. I'll just leave them here on the ground outside so everybody can see them. Yeah. There are bonds, some stripy numbers. Yeah, I better pick that up. Yeah, they're really nice patterns.

What, so it just fell out of your bag? I guess so, yeah. I was bringing our soft foods for eating. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, I didn't mean for your bag? I guess so, yeah. I was bringing our soft foods for eating. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, I didn't mean for everybody to... I dropped my undies. We did a photo shoot with them. Yeah, I got some photos. Yeah. That's great. Can you put them there? Please, I'll tag you.

Tag us. Tag you as the underpants. We can put them, retweet them. I watched Comedians in Cars getting coffee, and Jerry Seinfeld and somebody else that were on, it was Zach Galifianakis, having donuts and talking about how good the donuts are here and all this stuff. And every time, I've never had a donut that tastes like better than anything else, you know?

I know what you mean. I feel the same way about burgers a lot of the time. I see burgers and they look so good and people are obsessed with burgers and they're good. I'm not saying they're bad, but I've never had a burger I'm like, this is a life-changing burger. I've never had a burger I'm like, oh, yeah. Oh, mama, yeah.

I enjoy it. We've eaten burgers at the same restaurant that has made me have a life-changing moment. Wow. Yeah, I had life-changing burgers. I have higher standards standards i expect too much from life i think that's my problem why is it that burgers mcdonald's always look so bad like in reality i think it's because because they're made by a 14 year old who's underpaid yeah it's made by children first of all no but, but iPhones look great.

That's true. But I think it's because... They needed that designer. Yeah. Johnny Ives. But also you want the factory with the children making the iPhones to make your burgers. Yeah.

Yeah, we've got to add some. We know they're capable of it. There might be more like whipping or something involved or like one person watching as it goes out a little bit more. But I mean, if you could... I don't know how you would redesign the Big Mac so that it was... It sounds like we're advertising McDonald's a lot, because this is the 15th time we've mentioned it today.

Okay. I watched a guy just about redesigning the Big Mac. There's a guy, I'll give him a plug, he doesn't need it, he's got a million subscribers on YouTube. His name's steve and he's he goes camping with steve and he does stealth camping where he just goes like behind a big billboard and camps or like he uh uh he actually this is home this is homelessness is what you're describing well he used to be homeless wow so he's really i guess enjoyed the stealth camping part of it got really good at it he's rebranded so he So he basically just camps in bushes next to McDonald's

and all that sort of stuff. But I watched him after a stealth camp under a bridge. Actually, it might have been an abandoned highway. This channel's awesome. It's so good. Love the idea of an abandoned highway. Who would abandon a highway? It's like, how does it stop working?

Just to forget about it. Let's go to Backstreet together. Everybody forgot it was there. But he went to the drive-thru and very confidently ordered an Egg Mac. And they were like, oh, do you mean like a bacon egg muffin? He's like, no, an Egg Mac. It's a big Mac, but you replace the meat with eggs. Which I'd never heard of.

And it's also very funny to confidently ask the person who works for an Egg Mac a thing that you just made up. I think you could work it out. Yeah, okay. I want to... Hayden has actually gotten annoyed at me for confidently ordering things that don't exist at the McDonald's store. So when your heroes do it, it's fine.

I don't know. You expect too much not only from life, but also from sisters. You can order whipped cream on a Sunday. That's nice. Here's my problem with that, okay? I like the idea of going to McDonald's and you change it up a little bit. Bit of fun, okay? There's a fun thing you can do where you, apparently, this is the hat.

I never actually successfully pulled this off because everyone gets confused when I feel too bad, so I immediately give up. You replace it with a steam you get a quarter pounder or a double quarter pounder if you're feeling so inclined and you get a steamed bun instead of the regular bun

and you get the diced onions which is a cheeseburger and apparently it makes it ten times better. I have to say that that sounds like a tremendously bigger change than putting whipped cream

on these things. No, but my problem with that is the whipped cream is from a whole different department. You have to go from the McDonald's kitchen. You've got to know about what's happening. You have to run to the structure, the layout of the working out mean lowest

path, you know, algorithm to calculate your most economical. You've got to be respectful to the teens making your burger, I think. I think you've got to have some respect. Don't make them go from the thing and then go to the cafe to get the whipped cream. I think you're probably giving them

a chance to step away from their station, go and do something different. It's probably a gift. It's like a holiday, a change. No, it's not. It's what they do. They get the ticket and they go, oh, I've got to go all the way over here

and then come back here. I think it's morally defensible. I think it's the right thing to do. Thank you. What's going on here? What are you doing? I forgot that I had to take a pill. Oh, sorry.

I probably should have pointed it out. I mean, you're on camera. I mean, what am I? Yeah. It's all good. You've got to stand up to take a pill?

No, I just have to get my wallet out of my pocket. Oh, I had a dream last night when I came on this podcast. It's very boring talking about dreams. I don't want to spend too much time on it.

I've got one too. All right. We're really ripping this up. There might be a sketch in it. I hate people's dreams, but I like my dreams. Mine are interesting. Why can't other people have my dreams? Yeah.

They're about you. But I came on here, and they're also about you guys. Whoa. You were there, and you were there. And I was bombed real bad. I hear. Yeah, and I kept trying to tell this story about how it's like, hey, how come people don't have

wallets anymore? We were talking about this this morning. The car. Talk about how I've become a guy with just loose cards in my pocket. Really? There's a sketch that we can write down, which is a guy you're getting mugged, a guy says,

give me your wallet and you get it out, you take all mugged, a guy says, give me your wallet, and you get it out, you take all the cards and the money out, and you give him the wallet, and you're like, there you go, I don't know why you can't just get your own. That's pretty funny. He's like, thank you. Nobody has wallets anymore. Like asking someone for your wallet, you don't have a wallet,

so you're trying to, like, rip the pocket out of your jeans. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Do you give them all your money and your cards, your cards and they're like i said give me your wallet i've actually recently bought my wallet back into my life whoa that interesting wow you've gone from no wallet to now i have a wallet yeah retro it's like old school basically um you know you're doing one of those things where you like live like a person in the 1800s what is that a thing people yeah yeah yeah you're what's that they ride the big bike they ride the big bike they have a wallet maybe like a monocle um there was in my dream

my my brain invented a new type of massage so i was was at this party at, like I said, quite a nice house. But there was a clear divide between the very successful people and then me and the others. And I walked through a room. That's right. And I walk into a room, and there's a little man who climbs up on my back, and he wraps his legs around me from behind and around here. And he starts kind of going like, like that. But in a way that I'm like,

this feels really good. And this is obviously a massage for the rich people. Yeah. And I go, I'm sorry. I don't, this is, I'm actually,

this is probably not for me. And he's like, Oh, okay. It sounds like that could be getting around like a sort of a Lord's loophole. Like, you know how like the Mormons do soaking instead of like in the Audi intercourse? Maybe that's like.

Soaking? Yeah. You know soaking? No, I don't know soaking. But, and you know what? I was going to say, I can imagine. I also can't imagine. It's so for some religions, it is the movement of sex that is the sin.

So if you simply head in and then stay still, not a sin. Yeah. And then you can bounce as well. It's where you get some friends and they bounce on the bed next to you so that the body moves. But you're doing it way more sinful, if you ask me. Or I've also heard of people, especially if they're in dorm rooms, so someone will be on top bunk soaking,

someone will be on the bottom bunk kicking. Because, again, you're not doing the sin. And then, like, your friend, they're just kicking a mattress. But isn't there a sin? There's a great one about relative motion, you know? Surely there'd be something in the Bible like, also, you can't trick me. That's not allowed either.

No loopholes. I thought that's in the Bible. But surely you'd put that me. That's not allowed either. No loopholes. I thought that was in the Bible. But surely you'd put that in. That's a really big oversight. Yeah. Someone should release a loophole Bible. We should get some people to really open the loopholes. I mean, I love that.

It's just like the loophole. Like, I mean, even just like being able to go on the TV these days, you know, morning shows and go, these are all the loopholes, by the way. Yes, I love that. It's like, you don't even i love that it's like it's like you don't even have to read it and interpret for yourself these are like i've put them in clear language for you god was like an ex-lawyer guy yeah like doing tiktoks if god was real um loopholes in the bible would be like zero day exploits in hacking you know every time somebody

found a new loophole in the Bible, there would be this rush to exploit it. Get as much whatever you can out of the world before God closes the loophole. I imagine he's got a team of like... Yeah. Patch the Bible. All right, we've got a bunch of new patches for the Bible this week.

You know the show Extreme Couponing? I don't, but... Honestly, talking to you is such an education. It makes me realise how big the world is. Did you write down those sketches? I feel like we had two good ones. Wait, there's the loophole Bible. What was the other one?

I don't know. The one you said. Patching the Bible. Patching the Bible. I thought that was part of the loophole. No, we've got that separate. I feel like it's separate. Bible patches.

You may as well. You've got to be generous. You're going for $400. Come on. This is very different to your attitude last time. Last time I wanted to go no sketches. I wanted a dry patch. Sorry, extreme couponing, Cass. Go. Extreme couponing, the coupons in America, you can

do them so that people, you can rack up hundreds of dollars worth of groceries and once you've scanned all your coupons, it comes down to zero. So it'll be like, oh, you get a dollar off of items from this brand. So you pick an item that's a dollar. Like it's free. Anyway, extreme couponing, but Bible loopholes. So it's like you've got 24 hours.

You have as many loopholes in the Bible as you can. And you're like, okay, so if I dock and I soak and someone else bounces, then I can do it. Wait, docking's a different thing. Yes, yes. Docking is a different thing. Docking's two foreskins, I think. But you could soak in a dock, right? Yes, and then that wouldn't count.

I suppose so, yeah. Okay, so that's true. As long as you do it in a way that you would not lie with a woman as you would with a man, or you'd not lie with a man as you would with a woman. Upside down. So you could just do it like this. Yeah. And you go, I would man as you would with a woman. Upside down. So you could just do it like this. And you go, I would never lie like that with a woman. All you need to do is lie the other way in bed.

Yeah, I'm wearing a funny hat. You can't do that. I wouldn't do that with a woman. Yeah. So what this is is kind of like a legal sin marathon. You're trying to get as many in in 24 hours as possible. Yeah, like maybe a competition.

Again, it's sort of a supermarket sweep kind of thing, but of defiling the intent of the Bible but not the letter of the Bible. Like a Bible purge. Like a Bible the purge or whatever, where you get one day. You can do all of the sins. Except specifically.

But the law still stands. But the loophole. The regular law still stands. It's just that you won't be judged by God. Yeah, right. So, like, you know, you could kill. You'll go to jail for your life, but you'll have eternal life still. Oh, that's cool.

God's not dead, but we do discover that for medical reasons, he is going to be put into a coma. He's having treatment and he will not see. There's just going to be this one period where you can do anything. God is going offline. It's like when the president

when Joe Biden gets a colonoscopy and then the... What's the vice president's name? Vice president. Kamala? Yes. And then she becomes the president. It's like that, but it's not really.

I love when you say whenever. Did you say whenever Biden's getting a colonoscopy? That was like it happens all the time. Well, no, that was the first time. It happened like right at the start of his presidency. And she was the first woman president for like, I don't know, 40 minutes or something because he had to go under for a colonoscopy and it was sort of a bit like disappointing that that was the first time that's amazing i want to know what the regulations are who does the president's is is there you know like if there's air force one is there colonoscope one yeah i can only imagine yeah

does the president have a whole guy 141 i mean i feel like we could try and do something with the word oval orifice oval orifice that's good yeah that's good that's really good i don't know i can't think of anything but that's somebody somebody just using that as their one reason that they should be president. Say more. Like there's a bunch of candidates, right? The Republican Party. Oh, they have an oval-shaped butthole? Yeah.

So right now all of the Republican candidates are so far behind Trump. But if one of them says, well, I should be president because I have an oval orifice. I think that that would get enough headlines that he could just be Trump. I'd know his name at that point, you know? Exactly.

I'd be like, oh, oval orifice guy. Get the orifice into the office. I learnt Vernon Supreme's name. Remember the Gumbo guy? Oh, yeah. And he sung a little song, though. Yeah. My name is Vernon.

My name is Vernon. My name is Vernon. Vernon Supreme. It was awesome. That's really good. Yeah. I don't know how that man ended up, if he did anything weird,

but he started out with Gumbo Donovan. Do you think he might have got cancelled? Yeah, we don't stand how that man ended up if he did anything weird, but he started out with a gumboot on his head. Do you think he might have got cancelled? Yeah, we don't stand by Vernon Supreme. Just in case. No, we haven't heard anything, but it could be. He seems like the guy who might be weird. Yeah, a lot of his other policies. I mean, he spends a lot of time sitting at home writing stuff,

so, you know, maybe he's too busy to do anything odd. Anything too odd. Trying to think if that applies to anyone else who's a writer. I don't know anybody who's ever been a writer. Maybe comedy films. Who's ever done anything strange. There you go. Well, you can't.

You're constantly... I'm too busy writing to think about that kind of stuff. You're only a freak on paper. Up here, clear skies. I like that. I like that. You've got to only a freak on paper up here clear skies i like that i like that you gotta be a freak on freaking the on the sheets so that i can i can be a normal guy on the streets in the bed sheets yeah just a really normal on the bed sheets yeah yeah so you can so like your sheet of paper like you are the straight man to your own comedy. Yeah.

I mean, that makes sense, you know, because you're like going like, I'm a fucking anus. Like that. And I'm going, what? In real life. Like that, yeah. Just a mere oval orifice. Yeah. So all my work is just like me and a humanoid anus. Like that.

Is that the squeezing massage? Is that what that was? Well, he could do that. Imagine that. He goes, blah, like that over The squeezing massage? Is that what that was? Well, he could do that. Imagine that. He goes, like that over here. That's nice, I think. I mean, if it was a nice cavern inside there,

it could be nice. It could be so cosy. It's not attached to an actual, you know, digestive system. Well, then it's not a cavern. It would be open at the other end. That's true. Yeah.

And then it would just be a fleshy hug. A fleshy hug. Nice and moist. It wouldn't be moist. It wouldn't be that damp, yeah. Because it would just like, there's fresh air going through it if it's raining. It's also a self-lubricating area of the body. Is it? Oh, it's not self-lubricating, right. That's right. But, yeah.

Aside from the obvious. Yeah, I mean, I think the feces brings its own lubricant in that it's just oozy kind of thing. The membrane doesn't... I thought it had a membrane that was oozy and that was why you could shove stuff up your butt

and that's why it... you could do that. That didn't make any sense. You know when you take... if you can take pills up your butt? I thought that only worked because there was a muccus membrane that sucks it up. I think that that's just because there's like flesh there that starts touching it. Yeah, okay.

And starts doing that thing, like digestive system. I assumed it needed the mucus to dissolve it and bring it in. It's close to the surface to try and absorb the last of the moisture that we're trying to hold on to. Yeah, right. I would say putting stuff, like, yeah, the sex reasons is why this knowledge is out there. Why we may be aware that it's not self-lubricating.

Look, we're coming at it. You're saying I'm a virgin? Is that what you're trying to imply? I've had sex before, okay? Show me your butt, Hyman. I want to see a bloody sheet. I'm so sorry. Write it down.

Write it down. That's good. But Hyman. Write it down. I do like the idea that you were saying before of essentially making a comedy portrait of Dorian Gray. Where all of the freak parts of yourself get put into the comedy and you just stay normal or all the all the absurd and silly and funny parts of you get put into this um this comedy but you become a more you remain extremely serious right so maybe it's not like

doing depraved or disgusting or that kind of thing it's just yeah all the silly goofiness you've got a goofy picture and it's called the cartoon of dorian the caricature he's driving a tidy little vw his tongue's out holding a tennis racket you're like whoa look at that wacky guy. As his, I mean, but that's the thing though. I suppose in this play, Dorian Gray does more and more bad things in real life while the picture looks more and more disgusting. So does the Dorian Gray in the caricature of Dorian Gray, does he do funny, silly things in real life

without his reputation as a serious person being affected? I reckon that could be good. Just having, you know, telling... Sorry. You guys are making pretty good time. This was excellent time. I mean, it's great, but I fear the dangers of becoming confident early. Oh, sure.

Because you've already slowed down a lot in the last couple of hours, and I think we need to keep the pace. Yeah, and so you slow down, but then also eventually it starts to become more physically difficult and mentally difficult, and you're like, ah, ah, a worm. Write it down. Worm's good. Toe.

Write it down. That's good stuff. Like a toe worm. But that's a really good idea Okay, toe worm Term, can we do something with term deposit? Toe worm deposit What was the term thing we were talking about earlier?

Oh, you're being sentenced for the term Of your naturalism before we were in the car Before you even got here? We were riffing quite hard The judge says, you'll be sentenced For the term of your natural life Oh, this is before you even got here? Yeah, we were riffing quite hard. You were a little early. The judge says, you'll be sentenced for the term of your natural life. And you're like, term? What's that?

That's three, four months, then you get a week holiday? That doesn't sound too bad. I don't know about that natural life bit. I'll ignore that. And if it's term four, that's usually a short term too. Yeah, which term? Then summer holidays. Can we get the one with Easter in the middle? A life bit. I'll ignore that. And if it's term four, that's usually a short term too. Yeah. Which term? Which term?

Then summer holidays. Can we get the one with Easter in the middle? They changed it though, didn't they? Or the term four of your natural life. Yeah. Did you write down the character of Dorian Gray as well? I did. Good.

Yeah. Yeah. We need to iron out the kinks of that one, but I think that's all right. Yeah. You will be sentenced to death. Except for all the rest of these sketch ideas. They're all perfect as they are. No work.

No wrinkles. No wrinkles. Much like Dorian Gray. What about this? Guys who talk like, you know, like, what's his name, sings? A dick pic of Dorian Gray. You, Billy Joe from, like, Green Day. That was good. John Howard.

Eh? Whoa! Billy Joan Howard. Billy Joan Howard. And he's got really, really long eyebrows that are like dyed black. Or blonde if you're going early, Billy Joe. This is a great character. I'm really happy to be here.

No, I'm trying to not do it musically, but it was coming out musically. I'm really happy to be here. That's what the singer of the Crack Test Dummies. Do you know that band? Once there was this kid. No, they sing the mm-mm-mm-mm song. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Mm-mm-mm-mm. It feels like it could have been a whole genre of that song. Where's it going? I don't know what that turned into. Somebody's at the door. Oh. I don't know why we didn't do more songs like that. But it's too late now.

We can't go back to the mid... When do you think that was? I have no idea. 90s, mid-90s, yeah. They both... You didn't know the decade, but you knew it was in the middle of one? That's very funny.

I've gotten a problem. Yeah, it was one of them. It was either 90s or 2000. Yeah, that did not feel like a turn of the decades song. No, no, no. It didn't feel like the end of anything. That's right in the middle of something. It was the beginning or the end.

I was exploring something new that had already been established. It was like the meat we had to suffer through to get to the end. Yeah. Do you think the burger's the best bit of the bun? Sorry, is that what you're saying? The bun's the best bit of the burger? I just, no, i don't believe that so you're you're lucky that you really got me on that kind of thing sometimes the end of something like a job can be the best bit just

knowing that a job these are it these are these are the underpants here I brought them Thinking that I might need a change of underpants Now they've been on the horrible dirty ground They're not going to be any dirtier Than I'm going to make I'm going to become a realtor Future guest Nick Mason was at the door And I opened the door for him And then I ran out and I grabbed a pair of underpants off the ground.

So they're outside. Outside on the floor. On the street nearly. Wow, on the street. So that's crazy. I do not have my life together. Okay, no bad ideas, right? No. Okay, so

you go on. There are bad ideas, but that's not a barrier to writing them down. Thank you so much. You are bad ideas, but that's not a barrier to writing them down. Thank you so much. So you know how like sometimes you'll buy like a loaf of bread or whatever, and then it's getting to the end of loaf of bread. It's like, oh, I think the bread will be bad by the end of the week. Let's just like make bread crumbs or like let's just have toast for dinner or whatever.

You're on a holiday. Let's just have toast for dinner. That's fine. That's all. That's fine. Sure. You can have stuff on the toast okay it's not just anyway have a full five course meal on that toast use it as plates yeah just gonna get through it okay

what about a restaurant dedicated to getting rid of the crusts of toast and then they're just trying to hide it so it comes out on like you're like oh this is a nice plate is this the crust of a bread yeah so like you would have to sort of like, sometimes you would blend it up and with water and just make like a- And reconstitute it into a plate? And then, oh, make it into a plate. Is that what you're saying? No, no, no.

I was just like blend it up with water and make like a soup. That's way worse than what I said. All right. Disgusting liquid bread soup. But then you could put other things in it. Oh, that's beer. What, eh?

Is that not beer well I think beer has a few more things happen you can just wait oh that's true but then essentially you're becoming a brewery which is also okay which is also okay this is a restaurant concept

you bring along your fridge right or maybe just the crisper drawer maybe you scrape it all into a bag or whatever it's like i always get to that point where like there's like 20 different disparate things in the fridge that are all about to go bad or have all started to go bad yeah i don't know there's nothing i can't see anything that i could make with these things there's no way for me to easily use up all these ingredients. You take it along to the kitchen.

You take all that crap along to this restaurant. And they've got the most creative geniuses back there, maybe working with supercomputers. They are able to, like lining up the dials on the Enigma machine or whatever, they're able to find the one dish that you can make with all these fucking things. And it's always soup. It's just like, I can think of like,

they're doing all the machine things, like, we found your perfect meal. Oh! You just blended it and it's hot? This was just, it was water and all my stuff in small bits. Yes! But I added spices from the cupboard. You're like, oh, okay, cool. I feel like I added spices from the cupboard.

You're like, oh, okay, cool. I feel like I could have... Thank you. Okay, that's obviously the best one. The next person comes in. Okay, I got a chicken. What did you get

for this time? I got some pasta in a weird shape. It's always... It's a good fail-safe for the restaurant because then you can guarantee we will make you a meal

with all of the ingredients and a little asterisk. It'll probably be soup. Just being like, oh, the super kitchen? Then you're like, oh no, it's soup or kitchen. Supercomputer. Supercomputer. Or computer.

That's a great game show. Soup or computer. It's like, is it cake? It's like, what's behind? Is it soup or is it computer? Like, what's behind this thing it soup or is it computer? Like, what's behind this thing? Write down soup or computer. Stop talking.

Write down soup or computer, is it cake game show thing. Okay? Now, tell us the details. We don't have to write them all down, but how do you see that playing out in practice? So, it's literally the exact same as is it cake. Yes. They cut something with a big knife

Either doesn't cut because it's soup or it's got microchips inside Because it's liquid The knife just goes in oh, but sometimes it'll go but then you're they both in a bowl I feel you guys aren't listening Got a bowl of soup. Yeah, yeah, okay. Then a big knife chops it. And if the knife just dips in, it's soup.

If it cuts it clean in half and it opens up and there's microchips inside. It needs to be a spoon. You reach in with a spoon. You try and scoop some out. If you can scoop it out, if you can scoop it, it's soup. If you can't scoop her, she's a computer. That's what they say. That's the catchphrase.

Got me with the rhyme. All right. And so then you can have stuff like a really high pixel LED screen on top that could just look like soup. Could be, looks like soup. Like that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, if you hit goop, that is a soup.

There'll be so many rhymes for each episode so that we can be like, there's a lot in this idea. This is rich. This is how we will convince the executives. We go into the pitch meeting. Okay, we've got a lot of rhymes for you guys. Rhymes equals dollar signs. That's one of them.

That's one of them. It's nearly one. Half rhymes. Half rhymes count, I think. You get two half rhymes, that adds up to a full rhyme. Exactly right. The reason I brought up bread is because I wanted to suggest a thing where you go on a holiday, a sketch where you go on a holiday.

You've packed 20 pairs of underwear for a three-day trip. You get to the end of the trip and you're like, oh, but I want to use them all. So you have to spend the whole day ruining your underwear and seeing them in accidental ways shitting and pissing your pants seemingly accidental but there's only so many times you can shit or piss yourself

so like maybe you're out and you're like oh I guess I'll go to the shop in this hurricane and then you're like no I've gotten stuck in the rain hang on aren't you on a hike? holiday that's what you think a holiday is well maybe you could be on a holiday on a hike and slip and you're like no yeah quick swim in your undies oh it's a little impromptu sweet I'm just getting in my I gotta get new

one you could have a dog come and sniff inside your pants and vomit you'd be like you have to organize that yourself hey you have to organize that put bacon in the right place how about how about this is an idea right it's this is this is a new did you write down the underwear thing what is it the thing we were just saying the dog vomit in your undies come on using up all i've got to use up yeah you it's like it's like when you're getting to the end of something in the fridge, exactly, and your mum's like, we've got to use up all these beans. You've got to wear all these underpants. We've got two days left of the trip, guys.

We've got to use this underwear up, otherwise you brought them for nothing. I'm not going to have brought these underpants for nothing, exactly. What about this as a concept, a new undergarment concept? What it is, is it's like it's based around like those things that dispense baking paper and glad wrap. I love the sharp bit of metal that you're dispensing. You have a roll behind you, your butt, right, attached to your clothes.

The roll goes under the crotch area and up the front. Nice. You can yank it through, tear it off, squash up that bit in the bin. It would also wipe you too, so it's sanitary. We've got to swap it. We've got to have the roller front. Oh, true.

You want to wipe front to back. You've got to go front to back. Yeah, that's true. That's true, yeah, yeah. And so then you could get your girlfriend to pull off your undies for you Like that at the back I imagine you have like a little rope

So you go So the milk goes actually on your head Yeah maybe From here to all the way up here So these are disposable undies Is that what this is? Yeah this is a tear off underpants Tear off but it replaces itself

It's glad underpants. Yeah. But I think, you know, if your girlfriend or your beloved does it, it could almost be like a little sexy thing, you know? Yeah, I could see that. Like zipping up the back of somebody's dress or something. Before you go out for your big day, oh, let me change your undies. You're making noises as though the roll comes from inside the human body.

Yeah, but I feel like there's a lot of force and it goes deep. Well, if the wiping thing is going to work, there's going to have to be a fair bit of interesting. That has to be in it. That's non-negotiable. It has to wipe you. Or I am going to walk. It wipes or I walk.

It's not a rhyme. It's alliteration. Business people also like that. I love them. They just love wordplay. Can it be made out of, it's not very eco-friendly, but like wet wipe material?

I was wondering what it should be and of course that's it. Like the chucks or something like that kind of. It's been moist, I think. It should be moist. Do you think it's moist? I think it should be and of course that's it. Like the chucks or something like that kind of. It's been moist I think. Do you think it's moist? I don't know if you want it to be wet. I just told you I want it to be wet. Okay, what about we have, it goes

through, there's a little ring of wet at the gooch. So at the front it's dry. The back section is moistened. Because we're not using it I mean we are using it, but it's like, you know, you're swapping it daily, maybe even a couple of times a day if you're getting frisky with your mama.

It can be biodegradable. Sure. And then if it starts disintegrating in your neck, you know you've left it too locked. Yeah. Let's say it's flushable and it actually isn't. Don't worry about it. What wet wipes do.

It's flushable. Yeah, it will go down the toilet. Have you been drinking olive oil? Yeah, we had a little taste. Previous guest David M. Green brought this in for us. Is it good? It was the nicest pure oil that I've ever drunk. How much did you have?

I just had a little shot. 30 mils? A whole shot? I don't think it was a standard. Okay, you weren't standardizing your drinks No, no, no I just poured a bit in the glass And then I drank it Knocked it back

Knocked it back Yeah, right Cool With a bread chaser Little balsamic chaser Yeah, like that Just like That's good

What about like Sorry, go Was there something to Just drinking oil and stuff Is there something Where you Have to sort of make a cake but inside you? So you eat slowly all the ingredients of a cake

and then let it... Like a no-bake brownie. Yeah, but you go into like one of those like... But do you do it in your tummy? No, I feel like... And it's activated by the radiation. You cook it with a gamma ray emitter. Yeah, or x-rays.

Or if it's a no-bake, just duck into a freezer. Go into those, you know, those, like, cryo things where you just get blasted with cold air. Like a cheesecake that sets. Yeah, that makes more sense. Then you'd be really full, I think, in a nice way. Yeah. Great for the person who does your autopsy.

This is a great This is a great plot point for a detective novel Sorry Dean That's a really good idea pranking the mortician or if you're a murderer to go with your angle

you feed them a bunch of jelly stuff and water and then when they go into the morgue they'll be flat and they'll be in a freezer so the mortician will cut you open and there will be jelly set like flat like a bowl of jelly, that's fun

but I mean also just like something that you can feed them things maybe like hide like some egg in a soup and hide some cake mix and a drink, you know things like that but you don't want to dilute the mix. Yeah. I know, but you know, we're just, we're being,

you know, we're trying to find the way to be creative with this so it's hidden. You're killing them anyway, just. But then, and then you're just like, oh, you should go to my sauna, like that. You go in the sauna. Oh, I feel sick in here. Crusts up.

Crusts up, watch here. Crusts up. Crusts up. Crusts up, you know, becomes a cutting implement, tears up the inside of the thing. Kills them. Kills them. The mortician's like, oh, they were torn from the inside. They must have eaten a live rat. This is a great murderer.

This is a great name for a murderer. He's called Bread Knife, right? But it's the bread that's the knife, right? He kills people with a great name for a murderer. He's called Bread Knife. It's the bread that's the knife. He kills people with a knife made out of bread and he eats the bread. Really stale baguette. Sharpened to a point. It's like the classic ice pick killer. That old

mystery of where's the murder weapon? It's just a wet patch on the floor. Yeah, with an icicle. You could have cleaned up. You could have dried that or whatever. You could have turned the heater on. Central heater wouldn't have dried that up. Whatever. I'll tell you how to kill people.

That's your job. So yeah, but also I was thinking before when you're talking about a restaurant where you hide bread, I was thinking there probably is more of like a dad idea about a place where you hide – a restaurant where they hide lots of vegetables inside of things so that you could feed it to your kids. Oh, okay. You're putting vegetables inside Polly Pocket clothes. Polly Pocket clothes?

You know how kids just chew on things made of rubber? So you hide the vegetables in the toys that they're going to eat anyway. Make it taste like they're probably synthetic. You know what little kids love eating? Button batteries. Oh, yeah. Hide them in there. Button batteries are stuffed full of veggies.

And those neodymium magnets. They're always ending up in their gut system. That's right. They must taste kind of good then, right? Because it happens... Did you write down the jelly belly thing as well? That also rhymes. Jelly belly.

God, I'm so good at this. You should write lyrics. It must feel nice to have cold metal in your mouth. I think it must be a texture thing. well. That also rhymes. God, I'm so good at this. You should write lyrics. It must feel nice to have cold metal in your mouth. I think it must be a texture thing. Yeah, I don't know. Because they do it all the time. Kids love eating little round metal things. It's an edible button battery. Yeah.

Chocolate button battery. Maybe we can try and recreate the taste and texture without the horrible killing you effect of eating batteries. Maybe it's the kids not get chocolate coins for Christmas anymore. Is that, is that what they're lacking? I was,

I was due. I mean, we would never rob them of that opportunity. And have your kids ever eaten button batteries? They might've been canceled. Were you, were you, were you suggesting that maybe?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing it out of like a free speech I'm giving my kids button batteries I mean sort of gold coins I'm going to feed my kids button batteries every day

and the more you tell me not to the more I'm going to do it they have button batteries you know you just go hey finish your tide pods before you eat your button batteries. Drink a glass full of like bleach. Yeah. Or something like that.

Window cleaner. It's blue. It's blue. That's right. It's going to be. You'd think after the first taste that a kid would be like, actually, this is. Have you ever watched a kid drink? Yes.

I don't believe. Like every day? No, but like they don't taste. Yeah. Have you had when they make eye contact with you? And it's like... Hang on. I mean, that definitely happens with like... When they're drinking like a bottle of milk or whatever,

like when they're young and they're like... I think they're often also so excited that they're drinking something that isn't water and isn't clear. They're like, I've got to get all of this down quickly. Yeah, someone's going to find out what's going on. They're going to notice. There should be a drinkable Windex though. You know, why? How hard could it be?

Just make it blueberry. Why can't, why can't, like... Not just put blueberry flavor in it, but why can't they just make a Windex that you can also eat? Well, I think the thing is because if you have sugar in a Windex, it would taste good, but it would make your window sticky.

All right, we'll use Stevia. Good thinking. We got it. We cracked it. We fixed it. And it seems like it's pretty easy after that. I feel like most cleaning like when you get down to every time i've tried to google how to clean something every single

person's like vinegar yeah i'm like my house is not it's like vinegar it's like i've got to stay to my top vinegar it's always vinegar or black card so what about we do that pop a bit of stevia in it add a bit of blue. Yep. Edible Windex. Just like a sweet vinegar. Yeah. Like a beautiful, sweet, it feels like a... I could actually maybe get around that. A swinging vinegar. Yeah, because you drink it slower, which is what we're trying to do.

We're trying to slow down a little bit, enjoy things. Be in the moment. You go, oh, that is intense. That is really vinegary wow you can make soda out of apple cider vinegar but i think you're right you need a flat one but if you had you know how people use uh um you know with the buff champagne oh actually uh soda stream yeah to clean soda water or sodaStream. Yeah, to clean? Soda water.

Oh, soda water. Okay, yeah. It's to clean. That's true. This isn't a sketch idea. This is brilliant. This is a whole thing. Multi-million dollar. Wait, so it's vinegar and soda water.

Yeah. Mixed with a bit of bicarb. Tastes good. Yeah. Strong. The bicarb would make it really alkaline. Yeah. Well, I think it would also fizz up.

But that would also get rid of your... Indigestion. Yes. We've invented the best product. Yeah, which I guess... Wait. The bicarb and the vinegar would then turn into a neutral. It would cancel each other out.

You'd probably call it bicarb in it. I haven't really been listening, but can we call this product scrubbly? Sure. Oh, like bubbly. Scrubbly, yeah yeah this feels like you know how back in the day in like the 1700s people would salesmen would get together mix a bunch of stuff together be like this thing could do everything it'll grow your hair and it'll

clean the windows i think i understand how that feels yes now hey we just go with a miracle tonic water and vinegar yeah it's a miracle tonic that would work for everything. But I also like how everything that they first thought was, this must be a medicine. When they came up with tomato sauce, the guy marketed tomato sauce as a medicine. Everything was medicine. Coca-Cola, it was a medicine.

Basically every kind of spirit was a medicine. Yeah, Guinness. Was Guinness medicine too? Yeah, they were like, man, get your iron levels up. Have some Guinness. Was Guinness medicine too? Yeah they were like man get your iron levels up have some Guinness. See what it is it's that you're a bit drunk and you're like hey I feel all right. Making a sandwich and the first person you know you got like a peanut butter oh slice of cheese um a bit of pickles I think this might be medicine. A bit of Vegemite?

I think this might be medicine. I feel, yeah, I was hungry and now I'm not hungry. This is medicine. It cured me. Yeah, you go from being a chef for a moment until it tastes very good and then suddenly it's like it makes you feel good. You go, this is medicine. This has transcended me of food. It would be cool to be a medicine man.

Yeah, you think so? It seems to be a cyclical thing, right? So back in the day, everything was medicine, and now people are very holistic where they're like, food is medicine. So do you reckon there's a sketch in a snake oil salesman being like a wellness guru from the 2020s? Yeah, he gets frozen in ice and then wakes up in the modern day.

Yeah, like Encino. I haven't seen that, but I was thinking about, you know, the SNL sketch about the caveman that gets frozen and becomes a lawyer? I want to hear the rest of Cass's idea. Oh, sorry, yeah, go. Oh, I mean the other way. He goes back in time? Someone from 2023 goes back and is a snake oil salesman.

So they're, like, essentially homebrewing weird stuff. And they're like, oh, this stuff and they're like oh this is vinegar being like wow this is actually like but instead of being like the boisterous snake oil salesman they're like one of those really calm people who's like here's how to live a slower life snake oil salesman that is dressed like a hippie i guess i also think it's great to go back to like if you go back far enough, you're going back to like the 1700s, 1600s, something like that.

Everybody is just like dying all the time. And you're like, here's how to slow down and appreciate. Oh yeah. You've got someone who's like, hey, do you know if you get sunlight outside without sunglasses for the first 50, you don't know what sunglasses are, don't worry about it. It'll make you live longer. Like a snake oil salesman who's like anal sunning is one of the best things you can do for your inner health i'm sure there would have been the plague yeah but i

mean that's what they were trying all sorts of stuff when they had like because they thought it was vice by smell it would transmit which isn't that far off really if you don't know about germs. And they were just putting potpourri at the end of their big long mask. They were trying all sorts of weird stuff. I'm sure there would have been. Potpourri in their butt, is that what you're saying? Masks. No, butt.

That's a good idea. Give it a try. Potpourri in the butt. Potpourri. Potpourri. But that sounds like that's dried poo. Yeah, that does sound like... Hot in your house. To make it smell worse. That is literally called's dried poo. Yeah, that does sound like... To make it smell worse.

That is literally called owning a cat. Think Poo-Pourri, write it down. That's good. It's dried poo you put in your house to make it smell bad. When your house smells too good and you have some enemies coming over, you want to stink it up. And if you're still subscribing to the idea that smell can make you sick, maybe you can hurry your enemies home.

I'm going to get them subtly. You know, instead of just licking on. Imagine like a serial killer, but it's an aromatherapist. Oh, yeah. Really good. So in this universe, aromatherapy is incredibly real and powerful. And you could kill people. I mean, you could with like mustard gas or something.

Essential oils in different parts and like that. And then like this person's like, oh, I feel very negative. Yeah. Somehow, like, you know, it doesn't have to be a shame. But, you know, she somehow. Finally, a sketch for a man. Yeah, women can also kill. And then she somehow, but through it makes...

This is another murder mystery one. She somehow convinces him to end it himself. Oh, my God. Using aromatherapy like that. And then she kind of puts him in a bad mood, makes him realize that he needs to have a shower to try to feel better puts him something in the shower that makes him a little bit more woozy he slips he's like oh like that he hits his head and then she drops

poison in his mouth yeah is this is this like a military industrial complex version of they've got their hands on this great aromatherapist and they're like now using that technology that enormous power of aromatherapy to make you know weapons weapons planes overhead over the over the battlefield that like that the trenches of the other team it's a good idea like lavender yeah to make them all calm and relaxed and then bang flank them that's right i just don't really feel like fighting anymore yeah oh i'm just so sleepy and then getting it to like the sun goes down and then you get a fine mist of citruses and other invigorating herbs and then they're like whoa i feel wired yeah i just don't want to go to bed yet yeah get them with sleep deprivation this is you mentioned snake oil

salespeople before and i'm sure this has been done but what about this yes snake oil salespeople before, and I'm sure this has been done, but what about this? Yes. Snake oil salesman, but it's oil for your snake. Your snake's too dry. Your snake's too dry. Actually, that's literally the one thing that snake oil will fix. You've got a dry snake. You do need to oil your snake sometimes.

Yeah, we had a pet snake growing up, and for a while he was dry as. Wow, I thought they were supposed to be dry. They are supposed to be dry, but he was too dry, and he couldn't shed his skin properly. He had little flakes of skin everywhere. Wow. I don't think he was well.

He was fine. Did he pull through? He pulled through. He's fine, I think. You had to rub oil on the snake to help the skin. Did we actually oil him? I never oiled the snake. I didn't.

Dad did. Did he? Dad oiled the snake, yeah. You've got to oil the snakes. Yep. oiled the snake dad did did he dad oiled the snake you gotta oil the snakes yeah dad's oiling the snake that's dad's job change the oil on the snake get under the snake on a slide under a little thing oh yeah using the snake like that's the oil stick oh yeah oh yeah this one we're all on snake oil oh it's down to the cloaca i like lying under the snake, opening up the cloaca Sort of like that gross snake shit

And piss coming out Have you seen a snake's dick? No They've got two dicks And they come out like this Yeah, it's the same on both ends Oh yeah, never thought about that That's interesting

I just can't even imagine what the hole that could receive that would look like. Very similar. Yeah. Without the dicks. But do they have to, like, bring it together so that it can open up inside like a barb? Yeah, I think so. I think, yeah. The human is sort of barb-shaped.

The human? Like, as in, yeah, yeah. like yeah it's i mean it's still got like a tapered entry rather than like an open thing that would like fold back if you try no i see what you mean yeah because it's like it'd be like no i think i think it would beooges, right? Yeah, the snake vagina. Just like have a vaginal septum that goes like this and then convinces, like directs them. And then the male snake just goes. It's just been brought to my attention by Matt Stewart

who sent me something from the chat that Nate Ramirez says, I've been listening to old episodes of the pod and a few months ago in episode 355, oncologist Salamander, Andy said he would eat two dozen boiled eggs in episode 400. Let's make that happen. You should have told us.

We could have bought you two dozen boiled eggs. If somebody wants to bring in two dozen boiled eggs, I'll fucking eat them. Yes. Really easily. Look, bring in an extra does for me. I'll join in. No, I don't need that, but I don't need any help.

I can do that. I'm saying bring in an extra does. Well, if you guys are eating those and want to eat eggs, I'd love a boiled egg. Yeah, all right, four dozen boiled eggs. Four dozen boiled eggs, please. Somebody go to Uber Eats or whatever and let's... I don't think...

Give them a really big tip Hey can you please boil them first Could you boil an egg in the carton Or would the cardboard disintegrate What about there maybe a plastic carton Right that you can just put the whole thing in You put the whole thing in and it boils No I think it needs to have it's own heat source

Oh The carton itself will boil the egg So you can like pull a tab and it just. Sorry. That's okay. But I know I'm way late to this meme format, right? But there was that thing where like there was all that like, you see this woman at the supermarket, how do you open thing?

Oh, yeah. And I've been thinking about that recently in the context of being a dad and wanting to start conversations with other dads at the hardware store. Oh, yeah. And you're a dad. You see this other dad checking out the Makita 18-volt range. How do you open? And I think just a lot of it is you're looking at the Makita.

Oh, yeah. That's a good one.'ve got i yeah i've got the makita yeah i'm a dewalt man myself interesting yeah i think it's i think there's probably genuinely if we want to cure what's wrong with society we don't need more pickup lines no men to approach women we need pickup lines for men to approach other men. Yeah, that's true. And be friends. Yeah. Okay, so my question for this is, because I'm not a man and never have been,

there's would you rather open with something that suggests that you know more about the topic or something that's like I don't know about the topic? Like, wow, I hope someone can help me with these makitas. Is that 18-ver? How many-ver? Why does it go from 18 to 24? What if I want a 19-ver?

I'm just an innocent little daddy. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just a widdle papa. I think that's so funny. And, yes, I think that's a great way to come in as the submissive dad. That's right. Because that is very often the case. Certainly in my experience, as a dad, I'm that's a great way to come in as the submissive dad. Because that is very often the case. Certainly in my experience, as a dad, I'm quite submissive.

And I am looking for a big bear daddy who will explain wood and stuff to me. That would be nice. I think people would find that very friend sexy. That's a beautiful portmanteau. Yeah, friend sexy I know it's a This isn't the first time you've ported a manteau No

I've ported a few manteaus in my time Any manteau in a storm? Any manteau? Any manteau in a storm? Oh yeah Port Thank you Alright

We have more guests. We apologize. We have loved having you on the show. Thank you so much. That's okay. An incredible job. Would you like to promote anything, suggest anything to the... I imagine thousands of people who are watching.

The endless, upon endless people who listen to our podcast. Yeah. We do a podcast called Shut Up a Second. He's right. Fantastic. You guys have both called Shut Up A Second. He's right. Fantastic. You guys have both been on it? Yes. I was on an episode this week.

Oh, you were? Yeah. I think, is this the episode where you cried like a baby in a really realistic, horrible way? That was so scary. It might have been that one. It's almost every podcast Alistair has done. Oh, it's so awful.

I love it. It feels like I'm being tricked when I look at you. Because I know the sound of the... It's all the same. I'm baby baiting you. And also, there's a youth radio station in Melbourne called SYN. And they just lost all their funding and are about to close their doors. Very valuable thing for young broadcasters.

Most important, that's where we met. Did you guys meet at SYN? No, that was happening. Yeah. So basically lost all the funding. And they're doing an emergency fundraiser to stay alive. If they don't make lots of money, they've got to close their doors in like six weeks. So SYN's been around for like 20 years.

Really important for young media makers. I didn't know that was the case. They're in a position to post the fundraiser. Yeah. Oh, I can't remember the website. If you go to the SYN. Yeah. I think it's... Oh, I can't remember the website. If you go to the sin.org.au, it'll be on there. I think it's a Give Now maybe is the website.

Just Google Give Now Save Sin. It'll be on there. Give some money if you can. It's a really cool... We're going to dedicate the rest of this episode to saving sin. Sure, if you want to. We're not going to stop the podcast. Now it's not to 400 episodes.

We're going to keep podcasting. Until's not to 400 episodes we're going to keep podcasting until sin is saved get him back on the air that's a threat yeah by the way to Evan

who is going to need this studio we put the aging host into host hostage situation

that's funny write it down I don't get it but write it down well thank you very much For having us What am I writing? Thank you so much

For having us Bye We'll scoot Good luck Yes And please welcome To the All the way

From the weekly planet It's James and Mason Yes Wow Wow Hello Are you guys coming it's James and Mason! Yes! Wow. Wow. Hello. Are you guys coming to look more like each other? That's what we're aiming for.

We're greying simultaneously. We are not greying simultaneously. We need to say that right now. Well, no, simultaneously, but not necessarily... At the same pace. Equidistantly. Equidistant from black or brown or whatever. I think of colour as distance.

I think of colour as a spectrum. That's really progressive actually. I'm very progressive, yeah. Does this work? Yeah, that's the hope. In many ways, yeah, I think you're probably doing... It probably is that couch has been moved a little bit further back than it initially was. You could swing your end. I'll swing my end.

Yeah, look at that. There we go. That's perfect. Really great. We're thinking about getting into broadcasting. We've just embezzled a bunch of money from public radio. That was a really funny bit you did about that radio station that was closing. I hope you wrote that down.

Yeah, we came up with that idea ourselves. Now, you guys are ahead of schedule. Are we? For now. Yeah, we're doing okay. idea ourselves. Now, you guys are ahead of schedule. Are we? Yeah, we're doing okay. Let's see, we're on one. That's great. There does need to be that line like they have at the Olympics where they show you what the current world record is

and you want to beat that line. Cathy Freeman. Everybody, all the volunteer, everybody can just charge and break up. Yeah, that's exactly right. We were talking about this just off behind here. We have off- break up. Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were talking about this just off behind here. We have off-air conversations. Yeah, sometimes.

There is, like an Olympic record, there's going to be a point where this is physically impossible, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was worried that this was going to be the one. You should still be worried. I mean, it's still possible that this is not going to be possible. Impossibility is still within reach. Absolutely.

We shouldn't rule it out. Yeah. And so because I recently went on a bike ride with my dad because I'm getting training. I've not been training enough, but I'm now training for this thousand kilometer bike ride that we're going to be doing over 11 days. Right. And so he was like, well, let's go and do a bike ride that will be equivalent to what a normal day on this thing will be like. And we went, it was supposed to be 100 kilometers. But at some point, he was like, we'll just do 85 today, right?

He looked at you and he went, come on. And at about fifth generation, I was like, man, it's going to be fine. He's like, well, anybody can do 100, you know, if they're relatively fit or whatever like that. And so I'm like, la, la, la, la, la, la. And then there's like one really big hill. And I was like, actually, that was pretty tough. But we got through the hill, so it's fine. And then we kind of do another loop.

And then there is a five-kilometer hill. Down, downhill. It was uphill. Oh, no. That's the bad kind. And I remember being in the, like, I didn't know at the time I was in the last kilometer of it. But I remember going, I don't like mountain biking or my dad yeah i don't like anything and my perineum is so sore like everything and even like my my hand was so sore from just changing gears

things like that and i was like and then i realized that there was about another three hours left of riding. And then I just went through the worst mental state I've ever been in. Look, I don't want to interrupt your trauma, but is there anything in having a sore hand and perineum at the same time? Is there a sketch in that? There's no more getting us back on track. No more time for this. On the way, we're in that hill right now.

So let's think about it. A guy shows up at a doctor's thing, and he says, I have a terrible perineum pain. Doctor, doctor, I have a terrible pain. Yeah, and my hand is sore. What happened? He says, the solution is simple. There's a clown.

It's Gooch the Clown. He's having a terrible time. It's Gooch and Hand, the clown pair. You go there, they'll make your Gooch laugh. They'll make your Hand smile., they'll make your hand smile. I think we should write this down. I don't think there's any time to quality control this. It's Pagliacci

but it's his gooch. If anybody objects, they can in the chat. Which you'll read eventually. That's the least coherent idea we've come up with so far. Well done, guys. Thank you.

Here to help. We did the maths earlier. We need to do 16 more sketches. But, Doctor, I play both gooch and hand. I don't. Anyway. There's no more time to work. Okay, sorry, sorry.

I'm trying to make some sense. There's no time for any of this. Look, to be honest, Doc, I was just, I was fisting myself in my own anus. Oh, wow. And it hurt your hand? Yeah, I mean, that's how bad, you know, like, I mean, he's probably got his thumb caught and that's what hurt his gooch.

I think, I think. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, no, this is. But I like, I like the idea of approaching medical conditions, like you go to the doctor with a riddle, right? And you're asking him, how did I do this? Not what's wrong with me. Here are my symptoms.

I know what's wrong with me. I know what's wrong with me. And I know what happened. But I want you to guess, right? I was in a locked room with only a feather duster. Okay? This is a mystery shopper situation. I like this a lot, actually, yeah.

Mystery doctor. But he just tells you, he just solves a mystery. He's just like a guy who loves puzzles. Yeah, okay. There's no cure. It's just like, yeah, you did this in the study with the Colonel Mustard. Yeah, with a can of mustard. A can of mustard.

Up your butt. It's always up the butt. It's always put something up there. I think a theme is emerging, and I don't think we can deviate. No. We tend to deviate from this theme of things in and around butts.

Yes. We lose momentum. That's right. We hurt ourselves. I would hate that. Something that came up in conversation the other day, Alistair, was the idea of,

you know how people say if you're going to do some drinking, you're going to be drinking. You need to line your stomach with something greasy food. What about you're planning to go out and need a whole lot of greasy food? You've got to line your stomach with alcohol. Oh, right. Have a few beers just to line the tummy so they can go to McDonald's. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, go have a big night out on the, not the Terps, but on the...

On the grease, on the greasy grease. Having a slippery tum night. Slippery tum night. Slippery tum night, by the way. Fantastic name for, I guess... A themed evening. For a themed evening, sure. I was going mean you go out like a again like a dracula's yeah my name is slippery tom night oh i love the idea of the food just dropping into like a half pipe just like oh sweet you can feel it yeah we'll lop it up and

down yeah yeah oh i was picturing like an evening with friends where you all wear crop tops. Yes. And you sort of Vaseline up your bellies. Of course you would. And then you kind of go up against each other like this. I can be part of it. Yeah, you know, I mean. Slippery Tom Nye.

Spending with you. Slipping and sliding. Do it up against the wall. You can do like a little paint. I think it's certainly a Twitch stream. I think you could do that. Yeah, that's true. All right, well, you can write down Twitch stream ideas.

Definitely. I'm trying to find more context to make that slippery Tumnite. But that's the detective. I feel like these are separate now, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like your one about the themed evening of rubbing our bellies together, I think, like i think okay i think you're the one friend who's who's you went to a different night where they did a slippery tom night with some friends it's like with the you know the most exciting time in a person's life when they've first been to and played cards against humanity

oh absolutely and then they want to now invite some other friends around to play it at their place. Recapture that magic. Yes. So you've been there. You've played Slippery Tum Night with a different group of friends. That's right. You went online.

You ordered the Slippery Tum Night evening pack. It comes in a little box right there with the oil or whatever it is. And then you're like, okay, guys, we're coming around. And you're trying to explain it to them and people aren't necessarily getting on board. Once we started. Exactly. You'll get it.

It's a lot of fun. It's like when you're showing somebody your favourite movie and you're just like waiting for them to like all the parts that you like. You're like, oh, but it's like. You like the bit where we rub the tummies together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When does the rubbing start? I mean, you can just move them around in your hand.

Is this? No, no. It needs to be belly. it needs to be belly. It needs to be belly. This is the good bit. This is the good bit. Yeah, exactly. Okay, well, you're not doing it right.

At what point do they realise that they're talking about different things? No, they're talking about the same thing. Is it one person misunderstanding the rules? No. Oh, I thought two people had been to two separate evenings. No. Or no, one had met a detective called Slippery Tom Night, and then the other one had gone to a night thieve.

Yeah, that's right, night. There we go, I'll fix that. I think what's happening here is we're not, it's not that we're producing 17 really good individual sketches, we're producing one extremely good sketch. It's one over the course of the hour, but it's got detectives. It's going to have that weight and mass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Slippery Tum Night Shyamalan. Is that anything? Turns out to be the director. Yeah, right. He was in his own film. Can I just say also before I came in here, when you mentioned the eggs, I frantically ran around the building looking for a dozen eggs or whatever. That's a remarkable thing to try and do.

I don't know how you were thinking you'd boil hard. I was like, I'll get a kettle, figure it out. Oh, man. I could have soft-boiled it. I didn't figure out anything. Do you think before you were a dad, you would have ever figured it out? Like you would have ever been like,

I know how to boil an egg. I'll find a way. I recently learned to poach eggs properly, which this isn't interesting. Oh, did you? Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, you do it the proper way. You do the vortex method? No, that's fucked.

Don't do that. That's a mistake. It doesn't seem right, does it? Because you're like, how? Okay, so that's going to help the eggs stay together, but I'm stirring the water. That seems like the opposite. You know what I saw as well? I don't know if this is what you saw but i saw one where they're like you first

you break the eggs into like a very cold vinegary liquid and it gives them a sort of stronger outer size with that method i think but it can't be like pure vinegar i think it's got to be like mixed with water is this what you did well i do that look this is sketchy right yeah you put it in a little cup you put a little bit of vinegar in a shallow pot of water. This is a sketch, poaching some eggs. Critically, in a way we can't articulate in the writing of it, but in the performance, very comedic, I think. A real Mr Bean situation, you know?

This is one way to do it, just so people know. So you've got the egg in a shallow bowl and you gently drop it into the water, which is boiling and bubbling. Right. And then you unstick it from the bottom with a spoon so it doesn't stick to the bottom. You put in as many as you want.

You put a lid on it and you leave it for four to five minutes. So is it shallow water? Shallow water, yeah. Yeah, wow. Otherwise, it just breaks apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mixing thing, it's nah. And then we pan out to the window

and there's been a nuclear apocalypse. Everyone's dead. You've got to perfectly poach those eggs. He's like. You pan out and the person who's in the house poaching the eggs, it's not their house. They've murdered all the occupants. And then next to them, they sit down at the table and there, at the table, there's a big red button. And you realize they were the ones who detonated the nuclear bomb.

Wow. And murdered the family. And murdered the family. Oh, yeah, there's a bloody knife there as well. It just got dark all of a sudden. I don't understand. Well, I mean, I think the nuclear thing was pretty dark. Oh, yeah, I did that.

Why did the domestic family have the nuclear bomb? I know. That's what's interesting. know that's what's interesting but that is what that is it would be the president it would be the president

it would be the president it's the Oval Office but he's killed all of the staff like the hundreds of people who work in the White House or it could just be a guy

eh? it could just be a guy a guy yeah you get the box delivered you know it appears randomly at your house you know

you get the nuclear button for a week every year i think that's really good that the nuclear button goes from house to house yeah somebody comes everybody and they say if you press this button it will destroy a whole humanity you'll have time to poach it yeah you'll get 10 million it's like looking after a class pet it's like you look after the mouse on the weekend. And as a parent, you're like, wow, what if I kill this fucking man? I think a sketch in which the kids bring home the nuclear launch button. The nuclear football. And they don't think anything of it, but the parents are like, this is important. God, I hope I don't. We're trying to teach the kids responsibility. Yes, the fate of humanity rests in their hands.

That's actually one of the best ideas. I pushed the button. John took home the nuclear launch button last week, but he lost it. He left it on the bus. If we've got a replacement, we're happy to pay for it. We'll get another nuclear launch button. It'll look exactly the same. Nobody will know.

Presumably nobody is going to touch it. That's a good point, yeah. Imagine that. Imagine if the nuclear launch button, which I hope looks like I picture it in my mind. Yeah, just a big red button on a steel box maybe? Do you picture it as a little cap over the top or is that just the briefcase lid?

I think that would be a cap. Initially, I just pictured it as just a big red button you can slam your hand on. Like a Price is Right kind of style. But then you've mentioned the cover and that's always I think that's more tempting if anything because that feels more dramatic. But now I'm thinking wire it to a big gong

like on red faces. Yeah, wow. I think that would be nice. I think it would be nice also. I think it should be a gong. I think a little button doesn't feel significant enough. A real sense of ceremony. The nuclear launch gong is really

good. What if the gong was painted to look like the Earth? Oh yeah, okay, sure. Just to bring home the gravity. Nuclear launch gong. Do you gong on the Earth where it strikes? And you're gonging off humanity. Yeah, exactly. It's true, yeah.

I mean, you know, it's like Brazil gong, and then you just, you know, hit where you want. Now here's the Jackson jive. You're pitching it, I guess, to the president. You're kind of going, hey, I think we need to update this button. I don't know, it feels so 60s. It feels so, you know, what's the movie that that guy made? Doctor Strangelove. Doctor Strangelove.

You know, I'm thinking a gong or maybe a truffle drum kick. You do a drum roll like that. But you do a ten minute solo and then the nuclear... And then it's a snare there or a hi-hat. This is the same sketch but also

it should be another sketch because, you know, we're fighting against time. An opening act for the nuclear apocalypse. Oh, really good. A warm-up guy before you kill everyone, I think. Yeah, just could be, you know, a little improv, maybe an emcee for the evening. I don't know.

Where are you from? What do you do for a job? Oh, Department of Defence. Yeah. Okay, all right. Lucky I'm seeing me. What situation are we in? I was writing down that.

Well, it's still the nuclear apocalypse. We moved off goochies and now we're into a nuclear apocalypse. This is not a nuclear gooch explosion. It could be. We'll find out. Hey, by the way, I was just thinking before. I know we don't have time for this. What if the nuclear launch button was located in the G spot of the president?

Because there was that plan in the 60s. I love this. Which is that the idea was that the nuclear launch codes were going to be implanted in like an intern, like an assistant to the president. Just a guy. And so if the president wanted to launch a nuclear strike, they had to kill the man and cut them open and take the codes out. That was a real plan to like,

you have to prove you're willing to kill one person. I mean, it would really be interesting because the guy who had that implanted in them, you wouldn't want, like, it'd be interesting to choose their personality because, I mean, if they were really unlikable, it would be a lot easier, I imagine. You know, there are people... But being too likable is also kind of like a killable offence.

Yeah. Okay. No, I agree. Disagreeable. He had one of those likable... So nice. He always remembers my birthday. Because I don't know anything about him.

Even if you don't want to kill him, you want to punch him, and then he falls and hits his head on the curb or whatever. Or the nuclear launch pad. Yeah, exactly, the nuclear launch pad. And it kind of detonates. You go, no. Anyway, the one thought I was thinking about from that eggs being poached idea from before.

Oh, yeah. Eggs being poached, beautiful, like that. Hand to the window, nuclear apocalypse outside. Hand to finishing off the eggs, that's it. Sits down at the table, you see the family's all killed. Yeah. Like that, bloody knife, nuclear launch button. Then, on the screen come the word Colgate.

Love that, yeah, that's beautiful. You know? Yeah, cause you're gonna need to brush your teeth after the eggs. Not immediately. It's one of those long ads. It's just an ad. It's just a beautiful ad. It's the vibe, isn't it?

And you remember it. Marketing. Super Bowl, maybe. One of the problems is that for it to be a real ad, you need to be watching it on TV so you at least know it isn't real real you kind of really need to do it for real for the ad to work you think you need to interrupt a broadcast maybe is that what you mean no I think you really need to kill everyone on earth okay right yeah for everybody to believe that it's real yeah but then you're the only person and how would you believe it

you know that you have done you have your brain that is the only way that you're not really except that you have done it yeah something done you have your brain that is the only way that you could believe everybody could believe yeah because you know that you are conscious you know you have a conscious and you are doing it yeah then you are selling some toothpaste yeah yeah but then you're gonna buy it yeah and then but then it's not gonna be as expensive it's not gonna be as expensive because everybody's dead right and then but you probably won't want to leave the house then that you rub colgate on your body and i feel like that would protect you yeah i mean that's what you probably would believe because of all the uh advertising you know what you're doing yeah like that but then you go out and you think that you're safe to go out and just covered in Colgate or whatever like that.

And you realize there is another person who's still alive. And then you're going Colgate. And it's so embarrassing. I mean, they're all burnt and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, yeah. This is burnt. This is white burnt.

And the fluoride gets to you. Yeah. Do you think there's enough fluoride in there to actually do something? Like, what does people think this fluoride does? I don't actually know. It's like a mind control thing. It's a mind control thing, isn't it?

It makes you more pliable. It makes you more, like, susceptible to the government. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah, it's amazing. It's a pretty simple chemical, I think, fluoride, that makes you susceptible to the government's propaganda. That's exactly right. But exclusively the government and not other things?

Yeah. You look at the periodic table, and they've got that little description sometimes of the thing underneath. You look really closely, and you're like, under fluorideide it says, makes you more susceptible to the government propaganda. Has anyone read this before?

Can't just recommend this? How about that? Iron, nickel, one of the only other magnetic metals, fluoride, makes you more susceptible to government propaganda. I mean, it would be great because if it made you just more susceptible to all messages, and then Colgate would be great because if it made you just more susceptible to all messages, and then Colgate would be like, hey, we'll just put it in the toothpaste,

and then it'll be more susceptible to our medicine. We just got to get them to try it once. Yeah, and then we'll be able to really sell them more toothpaste. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's a really good idea. Yeah, no, we can get nuclear apocalypse. Cover ourselves in paste and walk around by ourselves. Do you think that the people at Colgate,

making the Colgate toothpaste, are angry that, or like, are frustrated by the fact that really we only put toothpaste on our teeth? Like, they must be trying to find, like, they would be really excited to find a way to get you. They're trying to get us to brush our tongues.

Tongue scraping. Yeah, yeah, and that was indeed. Different types of floss on little forks that you're supposed to use. But it's all mouth. It's all in the mouth. Beers. I think Colgate could.

If only we had some other exposed bones that you could brush. That would be amazing. Maybe your spine. Yes. Oh, yes, please. The exposed spine would actually be a really cool look. Even if it's just like the ends of the spine. Each vertebrae, you just see it sticking out like that. I they just it's like the ends of the spine each vertebrae

you just see it sticking out like that getting nice and polished I think if we had that nuclear apocalypse though there would be some exposed spines and I think another benefit

yeah yeah yeah but a different sketch though yeah no it has to be another sketch can I ask who is because there's a sketch count on this

who is switching it we have some people who are listeners from our discord Brian and Jason I know Brian yeah and so yeah another guy I don't know from Barus this who are switching it uh we have some people who are listeners from our discord brian and jason who i know brian yeah and so yeah i don't know from barris i mean you gotta you gotta also understand that most of our listeners have in some way been come from you guys i don't i would say that like because like you know most people know us because we appeared on your thing and then

you know and then occasionally we've appeared on other people's things and things like that but then a lot of people were just like, I'll listen to that, heard these guys, tried it out. That sounds like our listeners.

What do you know? We're now big fans and things like that, yeah. But you know, that's the small percentage that stay. We fluoridate our podcast

so everyone is very susceptible to all our commands. Congratulations on 10 years of fluoridating. Thank you so everyone is very susceptible to all our commands. Congratulations on 10 years of fluoridating. Thank you. Yeah, we got 500 episodes this week. 500? Wow.

498. You filled in for me for one. Oh, yeah, that's right. Did you celebrate 500 movies? We don't know what we're going to do yet. No, 500 is next week. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah.

We feel like we've reached our limit the way that you guys have. Yeah. Yeah. Probably won't do it. Better be it, I think. Yeah, we won't do anything. We'll just... Might skip it.

That's the secret to longevity of a podcast. Don't do anything. Yep. Don't over-promise. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And deliver. Definitely under-deliver.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, if they're happy with under-delivering. That's right, you've got to find the audience of people who don't want you to deliver anything. I think that's cool. I mean, I've got to admit that we are probably kings of under-delivery. I mean, we've probably had the last hundred episodes have been all what's known as the tired season. And we're just like, anyway, I'm sorry that we're doing this at 9.30 at night after we've had all the life drained out of us,

but occasionally we'll get a good idea. There'll be a spark of something, and it'll be like the old days for a moment. We're like, oh, yeah, and they'll be reminded of how good it used to be. And it's almost worth it, like going to see Bob Dylan in concert. Yeah, it's almost worth listening to a hundred hours of podcast. You can convince yourself that it has some worth, you know, if you're really willing to do, you know, to put in the effort. What about this?

The rapper Flo, Flo Rida? Flo Rida. Yep. Flo Rida. Here we go. Okay. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. I guess. Is he still a rapper or is he just like a, like a dentist? I guess he'd have to be a white guy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what fluoride looks like. It's probably a metal.

It's one of the few non-metals. You guys have noticed this on the periodic table? It's all metals? It's mostly metals. I haven't had a look at it. There's only like a little pocket of non-metals. And then some are semi-metals. Yeah.

I mean, it just feels like... You think you've finally found a non-metal and then they tell you it's a semi-metal you're like aye yeah sodium metal what yeah lithium metal sure uh i mean yeah calcium calcium yes that one i did know what do we got silicon carbon boron yeah sure right uranium uranium metal that's a metal yeah that's a metal metal i mean i feel like we need to get some more non-metals on this periodic table what are you thinking it's like the the remember the you know the food pyramid most of the food pyramid it's it's it was just bread the grain industry was like can we get on that can we get on that that's why you that's why it says like eat six serves of grain or whatever every day. Like baguettes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They asked, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were like, we'll pay for this. We'll pay for this school district if you put the grains on there. Did that actually happen? No, it did. Oh, it did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've had to revise it since then. It's now like a plate of portions, isn't it? Yeah, so I think we revised the periodic table with sponsorships. Whoever's willing to pay on the periodic table. So it could just be, it could be like the periodic table with sponsorships. Whoever's willing to pay on the periodic table. So it could just be, it could be like the periodic pyramid.

Coca-Cola. It could be just a guy who's willing to pay enough money. So Gary. Like an influencer? Yeah, like an influencer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dream could be on there.

Dream could be on there. The Minecraft streamer Dream. Also Dreams. I mean, what an element. Yeah, right, yeah. No, I mean, because what are they? Dreams aren't a medal. Yeah, they're not a medal. Oh dreams. I mean, what an element. Yeah, right, yeah. No, I mean, because what are they? Dreams aren't a metal.

Yeah, they're not a metal. Oh, I bet they are, though. No, I don't know. They'll discover them in the... Probably just a reflection in a shiny metal surface or whatever.

That's all it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You turn your mind to the mirror in your mind. So rebranding the periodic table. Fixing the periodic table. Rebalancing it. With modern stuff.

You're right, you could get rid of some of the stuff that isn't pulling its weight anymore. A lot of those lanctonides and actinides. Osmium. Who uses osmium these days? Is that a real one or is that from real metal? Spider-Man. Osmium's real, omnium is not real because yeah

some of the ones that are down the bottom that are just like they only exist for a fraction of a second when you we can get rid of those ones are metals just tell us they're non-metals hit them and they make a clang yeah you go yeah so what you do is you got a guy ready together and the spice a little quick metal of the particle accelerator just ready. Steve, you ready? I'm ready. I missed it. Steve's in the particle accelerator.

It was only there for the merest blink of an eye and I missed it. I'll be honest with you. And that's why they call it a chemical symbol. I love that. Maybe that's the thing. It's a medal if you can make a gong out of it. I think that should count for 10 sketches. That's true.

So we'll just write that down and put times 10 next to it. Periodic table. Keep going. No, I'm just saying that it's true that instinctively you think that there should be more non-medals because if you look around at nature, nothing really looks like a metal. Yeah, exactly. It's feather.

Feathers, whatever they're made of. Dirt. Dirt should be on there, yeah. Confidence. I don't know. It could be abstract, right? An element of confidence. If anything, confidence would definitely be up there

because whoever's suggesting it, what about confidence? I think confidence should be on there, actually. Come on, man, confidence. should be on there actually come on man confidence i'm pretty sure it is i'd look into it but it is trust me my brother he told me the uh yeah okay what would be the atomic number of confidence one it's one it's one just shift them all down yeah that'll be expensive well i think you can afford it we can make it work yeah we can make this work i mean of confidence. One. It's one. It's one. Just shift them all down. Yeah. That'll be expensive. Well, I think you can afford it. We can make it work. Yeah, we can make this work. I mean, you know, the sun, they say is mostly hydrogen, but it's a lot of confidence in there too.

I mean, to just be so... How long are you going to last? Billions of years? Probably billions of years, honestly. Maybe longer. Everything rotates around me. Yeah. I'm pretty confident. Hearing the tink. There we go. I wrote down the hammer on the thing, you know. Oh good, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you gotta write it down. All these do count. These days. All these count.

But with this, in this economy... Wait. One, two, three... This is really exciting. Can I go to the bathroom? He hasn't been to the toilet once. I've been like six times. I'm like that. I've got that bladder. I'm sorry to leave you here. It's quite hard. I was thinking about this. Wait.

Outside on a helicopter. Oh, that that bladder. I'm sorry to leave you here. It's quite hard. Think about this. Upside down helicopter. Oh, that's exactly what I was going to do. This is the classic idea. I know, the curse. Yeah, the curse. It's like the girl from The Ring. Upside down helicopter joke in real life recently. Whoa.

It all paid off. Okay. That's beautiful. But did they understand the reference or they weren't really trying to? Okay. Now, do you think it could just be one? It's just a helicopter that actually is upside down. I mean, it would be a death trap, wouldn't it?

Well, not if you built it right. That's true. Are the blades spinning as you get on? Are you leaping over them? I think you have to do a little hippie hop. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was picturing that the pilot and everybody was already strapped in.

You use the roller coaster kind of lock-ins. Yeah. Okay. So you're all – you're happy. You're upside down. It's not the best, but you're relatively happy. You're not – yeah. So this is a helicopter ride where I'll be relatively happy.

An upside-down ride. Okay. Happy relative to other upside-down helicopter rides. And some of those are ones that have were regular upright helicopter let me derail this this this thing which is my favorite sketch i pitched you every every every time even though it's bad uh what about you know how they have those like buy it for a present for christmas buy your dad an experience buy your buy a hot air balloon or like uh you know you ride in a Ferrari or whatever, but just like, it's just a, it's just a, an experience that you'll have kind of a good time at. Yeah.

That'd be nice. I think that's really good. Something like. Was it worth it? Yeah. Yeah. Cost $200. Oh yeah.

Okay. You know what I think would be a great experience like that? What's that? Not that great, obviously. Yeah. I'd be getting to go into like a tar pit and then get saved. I think it would be fun to sink into a tar pit or

see your dad sink into a tar pit. Is it a legit tar pit where you could die or is it like a ball pit? I think legit where you could die. You're sinking in and it's kind of fun to get completely immersed in tar. Then when you get close to the shoulders then it starts to get scary.

Because you're like, actually, I'm still sinking and things like that. And then you try to get your arm up. You just go under. You just go under. You hang down. I don't know if I could handle that blocking up my airway. You just go under with your hands up in the air, and then they pull you to safety.

Yeah, right. Like as a kid, everybody was afraid of getting stuck in quicksand. Yeah. Yeah, okay, all right. But we recreate that experience. It's like, you know, like... I think they should do it with quicksand yeah yeah okay all right but we could we recreate that experience it's like you know like um i think they should do it with quicksand as well i think that's like as adults it should be an activity that you can do you go to like an adult play center like not one of these kids play centers adult play center sounds like it's going to be sex or something it's

absolutely not it is you know maybe a bit of swinging from vine to vine. But these are not sex swings. No, these are not sex swings. And then quicksand, right? But they're not quicksand. Not quickie. Not quickie. What? No.

What about this? Getting rescued from the quicksand. Cooled out at the last minute. Maybe you also get to rescue some people from the wash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you've got a thing where you have to lift a car off a baby. It's all done with hydraulics, but you get to feel like it. Yeah, the feeling of it.

It's a real baby. I was going to say it has to be a real baby. A wrestling robot arcade game? Yeah. Like that. You could actually break your arm. Yeah. I had this idea as a much younger man that they should build a playground

for adults which is adult sized so like you could you do the flying fox but you're not touching the ground yeah the monkey bars you're not lifting your knees up you're just doing it but then as i get older i'm like oh you just kill everybody they all die they can't handle it yeah no no there's too many forces involved and too much age. And too much like, I used to do this. And then you snap your wrist. Oh, just that misplaced confidence. What do you think of this as an idea? Okay.

I love it. Just before you say anything, I'd love it. We'll write it down. No matter what it is, we'll write it down. Freshwater Baywatch, right? What is it? Freshwater Baywatch. So it's like Baywatch. The famous 90s TV series.

It's sexy. Everybody's like looking good, running along, but it's all fresh water. So it's like the edge of... I mean, there's like reeds. Yeah, there's reeds. There's rocks. It's the edge of a dam.

Stagnant water. Nothing. Yeah, exactly. Stagnant water. You're always like, whenever you get out of the water, you feel filthy. You feel like seagrass and stuff stuck to you.

So it's just... There's sediment. They call it fresh water, but it never feels that fresh. I mean, I love fresh water. It's always a bit gross. Fresh water Baywatch. And I think somebody needs to be saved from the shallow water because he's stepping on reeds and it feels yucky.

Oh, it's gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it's like big-breasted men and women. Yep. Sure. Big-breasted people. Yeah, big-breasted people run towards them and they, like, you know, it's like big-breasted men and women. Yep. Sure. You know, because... Big-breasted people. Yeah, big-breasted people run towards them and they're like,

don't worry. And their feet are squelching. Maybe someone, like, is frightened by a frog. And then so you, you know, it's all freshwater stuff. You bring in freshwater Baywatch, freshwater Hasselhoff, and he, like, flicks the frog away and he lifts you out of the water. I would love to be... Somehow, I'm I'd have to change my life a lot, but I'd love to set up a situation in the future where I can organically

be given the nickname the Freshwater Hasselhoff. Absolutely. It definitely sounds like a fish. The Freshwater Hasselhoff absolutely sounds like an aquatic creature. Yeah, yeah. I think, I mean, there's something also, you know, maybe everybody also just needs to be a little bit more normal looking. You know, not as kind of ballet.

You know, I think that they can still, obviously, they can still be big busted. I think they should be very hairy. Yeah. They should be wearing one of those, like a yellow raincoat because the weather's not going to be good. Like that rubbery raincoat. They've got gumboots on.

They're squelching. I did look at the red swimsuit. Yeah, it's yellow raincoat and gumboots. So red swimsuit. Like just the Speedos or whatever, but then the yellow raincoat and the gumboots. I think so, yeah. Really nice.

I did like the idea of them all being impossibly sexy at the edge of this dam or whatever, but this I prefer. I so, yeah. Really nice. I did like the idea of them all being impossibly sexy at the edge of this dam or whatever, but this I prefer. I mean, yeah, look, that's good too. Them being impossibly sexy. I don't mind that as well. I'll allow impossible sexability. Yeah. I'm just going to try and post some of these.

Oh, sure. You've got important work to do. The situation recently with the Upside Down helicopter was that I was trying to fix my lawnmower. And my dad came over, and he was with his cousin. Sure, sure. And my dad's cousin got a phone call from his son, who is a helicopter pilot.

Oh. And jokingly, somebody asked if Martin, he's the helicopter pilot's son, if he had any suggestions for how to fix the lawnmower. I got to make the joke that you should be okay with this. It's basically an upside-down helicopter. That's great stuff. There we go.

In my mind, I was like, this feels like closure of a loop that has been lying open in the world, an upside-down helicopter idea from episode 100 maybe that has been waiting to you know that'd be a poignant ending if this were a yeah a dramedy yeah i mean if i'd then died yeah you know in a helicopter accident helicopter accident a upside down helicopter accident yeah or maybe you you're mowing around a helipad and the lawnmower takes your feet off as the helicopter takes your head off. Really good. I get top and tails.

You get top and tails, yeah. But then your torso is still holding on and then the lawnmower turns upside down, turns into a real helicopter. And then your torso flies away. into the into the into the marshlands yeah the freshwater marshland yeah your body lands in a bog face down but it turns out then you travel back in time turns out you're that body that they found like in the bog like that like i travel back in time why does someone have to travel back in time i travel back in time why does someone have to travel because of the chem because of the chemicals in the marsh because the organic but you're healed when you travel back yeah yeah or your consciousness is um i think i'm dead well okay i had to say yeah you had to ruin this with

time travel ruin it were you thinking like at the end of that time travel movie, Thank You for Time Traveling or whatever it's called? Oh, yeah, that movie where it's like, yeah, yeah. At the end, they're just like, yeah, I did this. Oh, and then, yeah, actually the machine does work. It is a real-time machine. Yeah, that was kind of really weird, wasn't it? You go, well, obviously the whole thing is bullshit.

And then at the end they go, by the way, magic is real. Yeah. Like that. I think that's a – yeah. I hate that. I read a book once and it was like a sci-fi thing. And it was just about this dying planet that was suddenly becoming frozen. And then the people who kind of designed the planets would come and be like, by the way, sorry, we can't help you.

And then everybody kind of just was like – the planet was getting worse and it froze over. And then everybody started dying off. And then at the end, they all died. And then their souls were like, but our souls will live on forever. And then that was it. And I went, why did you do that? Why did you add eternal life through soldom? That's Scientology.

It was just a book. Well, that's the lesson there is you don't read a book. Don't read. That was the last one. I read a book once. This could be the sketch. Imagine you don't read a book. Don't read a book. That was your mistake. I read a book once. This could be the sketch. Imagine if a person read a book. In 2023, read a book.

But I read a book once and it was about a man wakes up and everybody in the world has disappeared. It's just him. He's the only person left. And I read the whole thing and I'm like, boy, this is going to be the explainer at the end as to how this all went about. At the end, he jumps off a building and he this all went about at the end he jumps off a

building and he dies and that's the end whoa and he's like yes i'm dead too what about his soul yeah yeah did i say didn't say he didn't even say and by the way i ended up in heaven yeah and by the way i guess you're wondering who wrote this well it's me in heaven the classic ending yeah i went to heaven and I got a writing grant from God That's right I really like that ending We were going to do that as a sketch I like the idea of you adding that to the book

And then putting it back at the library That's a great idea, by the way Add a little To go to libraries And I guess very accurately, very surgically replace key pages from great books. So just there's some people

out there who will have read you know James Joyce's Ulysses but they're the only person in the world who's read the version where you put a scene in the middle where they all go hot-dogging. Hot-dogging.

All go hot-dogging, whatever that is. And it's never explained what it is. But they have a great time. You're at a big dinner party. A fancy dinner party. Dinner party. Big, very fancy. You should see this.

Fancy music is playing. And you know who's there? The president of the Automobile Association. What? The literati. They're all there. Oh, the illiterati. That would make it all the more embarrassing.

And you're like, well, I think the most interesting part. Thematically, I think, you know, what tied Ulysses together is when they all went hot dog. Yeah, it's great. With the president of the automotive. And then it's just that beautiful prank that you can play on an unsuspecting. You'll never know the victim. That's right.

That's my favourite kind of prank. Just one that's just out in the universe. It's just taken on a life of its own. Now, did you say illiterati? Yeah, I did say. A-literati. No, I did say illiterati. Because I like a-literati.

Yeah. This is famous people whose first and last names begin with the same letter. James Joyce, for example. James Joyce. Andre Agassi. Yeah. Those are the only two martina hingis i'm sorry um wait i'm still saying i guess you're wondering who made this oh wow it's me in heaven imagine you go to heaven that great. And you still can't find the time to get anything done. This is my big.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the parenting situation. You're caught up in all the little things. Yeah. You sure are. Oh, you've got to do one thing. It's like. I've got to get my harp tuned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're still really busy. A harp for each family member. Got to get my cloud like reinflated that I sleep on or whatever. Maintenance on the cloud. And it's like eternity is packed. There's no free time. You've got infinity, but every moment is just little things.

Maybe that's what hell is. Or purgatory. Purgatory. Maybe we're in hell now. Purgatory is the best. We're all in hell, guys. It's not too good. It's not too good. It's not too bad.

It's just right. That's where Goldilocks is. I don't know if that's where Purgatory is. Goldilocks went to Purgatory? I don't know if that's where Purgatory is. I don't know. I think that she would have been like, oh, this one's too good. Too much fire.

Too much fire. Too much fire and pitchforks. Too much clouds. Yeah. Well, I mean, Goldilocks is presumably out of copyright. We could do that. That's true. Goldilocks in Purgatory. Yeah, right. And what about the bears? Where would they be? Depending on the Well, I mean, Goldilocks is presumably out of copyright. We could do that. That's true. Goldilocks in purgatory.

Yeah, right. And what about the bears? Where would they be? Depending on the bear, I guess. Really? The kid wasn't baptized, so he would go to hell. Okay. The parents, I guess they could be in purgatory at least for a bit.

For a bit, yeah. And so then that way they could make a cameo. That's what people would probably tune in for. Surely if they don't baptize their kid, though. They'd go to hell as well. They'd also go to hell? That's a great point, yeah. Oh, do Surely if they don't baptize their kid, they also go to hell? That's a great point, yeah.

Do you get punished for not baptizing your kid? Well, I mean, if the kid's going to go to hell forever, it feels like the parent is the guardian. I know, Andy, but who are you to judge? I'm sorry, Father. He knows not what he says. Wow, judging go to hell. That was the Catholic Church's official mandate. So if you had a baby who, fuck, passed away,

should you go to hell because you didn't get time to baby but then if it's a little bear who's like a little what's the rule about bears yeah what's the rule and what's the time there must be a time limit how's the time to ask the pope because he's being very much more lenient than it is yeah get him to make a ruling now. We got bears into heaven. What about this? What about this? A Final Destination-style movie.

Instead of people being killed by increasingly unviable traps and things, it's just people who've broken increasingly obscure rules in the Bible. Right. And they all just end up in hell, like a big chain. Like, you forgot to baptize your baby, so you're going to hell. You're wearing synthetics, you're going to hell. Yeah. But there could still be a chain of unintended consequences,

but it's of actions that they have taken. You cut this person off in traffic, which meant that they were late to a meeting, which meant that the people who were waiting with them didn't have time to get their baby baptized. So you're going to hell. So there's no ethical consumption under capitalism, so you're going to hell. You're going to hell. All of these things.

That's really good. I hope nobody ever teaches God about the fact that there's no ethical consumption under capitalism. He's got a lot on. Yeah. Once he knows. You don't think he reads Marx or anything like that? I mean, God, what does he read? Do you think he reads every book while you're writing it?

And so he sees all the drafts. Oh, right, yeah. Oh, God. Hey, add a bit how you're writing it from heaven. Yeah. Add it at the end. Add it there. And then say Colgate at the end.

Shout out for the big man. Talk about me. Say I'm a good guy. He's trying to get a new Bible going. So he's trying to steer every novel into a kind of a new Bible situation. He did that thing with the burning bush. He was like, that freaked him out, so I'm not going to do that. I'm going to kind of try and, like the fluoride just just kind of nudge things yeah do you think it's a bit like

with die hard three where die hard with a vengeance it was originally written as a lethal weapon movie yes right i think it's such a perfectly written movie i really love it completely great it might be the best die hard i think it is maybe but yeah i said might yeah good good diehard five still in the running do you think god just reads all the books and then like if he really likes one he might come in down and say this is a bible now absolutely can we brand this as a bible this is mine yeah this is mine we've got mel gibson on board so exactly i mean the the i know you didn't write it as a Bible, but I think the cachet of having this included in the Bible universe

is going to help your sales and it's going to help me as well because I haven't had anything. The book of John McLean. Absolutely, yeah. That's good. So wait, convincing God? No, God asks you to put your novel as a new... As part of the Bible cinematic universe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, right, right. So not... The BCU. So this wasn't the... This wasn't he goes and says, hey, can you put Die Hard in the... No, no, no.

So that John McClane... He's like, that's now in the Bible. That's a big lesson. There's references, you know. I mean, he's just putting together a new Bible. So he needs a bunch of stories. He's off, okay. Okay, wait.

Put your book. There's a very funny bit. Oh, the vegan sausages. When I most recently watched. Our veggie sausages and our tofu. Because we remember. This happened last time. Yeah, soft foods. So that we know we're not doing heavy crunching absolutely yeah you guys know what it's like we've done this so many times you and i it's all we do it's most of the times we see

actually yeah this is where we hang that's true yeah um there's a very funny bit in the first die hard that i only think i noticed for the first time when I was re-watching it recently where the cops are running up to the building and there's one guy who runs through a rose bush and scratches himself on a rose. He goes, ow! I'm like, that doesn't get enough credit. It really hit me this time and I laughed a lot.

Take that out yeah you know yeah like little details like they make a big difference you know yeah things you've noticed on such a great thing to put in to keep in the whole way through somebody would have had to fight for that to make it to the final cut absolutely um but the um i think i always think about this about with like because i do a lot of really dumb things to make my children laugh. Yeah. Right? And I have a whole other persona that is –

John McClane. That is me joking as a – like with kids, which is like more like I go – anybody says something that's a little bit weird, I go, what? What? Huh? Like that. little bit weird i go what what man like that and i always wonder whether it makes sense in regular comedy like in regular world where you're like what why did i say that you know like you know like i'm driving the other day and i was just like is this dementia l yeah this is kind of a dementia l but like i'm driving with the kid in the car the other day and i'm going and i'm like i gotta catch up to that car. And I go, okay, let's go. Wait, what am I running? I'm driving.

Like that. And the kid's really laughing. Quick, let's catch up. What am I doing? And then he's going, again. Okay, no, no. What are you doing over there? Like that, you know? And he goes, again.

Or like recently, this is the thing. None of these are sketch ideas, but... I think Dementia Al is a sketch. Yeah, Dementia Al's good. It's like one day I accidentally hit Hux with my hand, and Hux went, oh! Like that, and I go, do you want me to talk to my hand? Yeah. And he goes, yeah. And I go, excuse me, hand.

Okay, I want you to never hurt Hux again, okay? Okay. Like that, right? And Hux loves it, and then does it, and there's like a three-year-old doing it, and he goes, I did it, I did it, I did it? Okay. Like that, right? And Hux loves it and then does it and there's like a three-year-old doing it and he goes, I don't know why you're there, okay? Like that, and it's very fun.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm starting to just do... No, no, I do all weird stuff like that. I have a character called Mook. As in you embody Mook? Yeah, like an Eastern European guy. I have a character called the Giant Chicken

and when I leave the room they're like, go get the Giant Chicken. I'm like, I don't think he's here today. And I'll go around the corner and I'll come back. And it's not so much a chicken as just a screaming man who chases them around the room. Look, I think this is a sketch.

I think it is Dad just goes to a regular comedy room. Dad goes to the comics lounge. He attempts all the bits and characters that amuse his children all right what do you think about this it's a pedal powered liposuction machine okay right so you can get in double the you you you you sit on it and you still feel like you're pedaling away the pounds it just operates a lot faster sure yeah so i guess yeah there's just some big suction bellows or whatever that are connected up to the pedals. And it's a spin class, but you can go in and you can lose all your weight.

15, 20 kilograms in a session. It'll come out just a loose skin. Yeah, just flopping. Is the pedaling a placebo? No, the pedaling genuinely powers the suction. So how fast and how hard you go. You're fat out. It's a liposuction machine.

And so where does it come out from? Maybe it would be the troublesome area. Any area. But you just stick a needle in or whatever like that. Yeah, or they have doctors do that. No, I think you do it yourself. I think it's like when you go to the gym and you've got a towel down your own. Sure, sure.

You've got to wipe off the... I'm going to do buckle fat today. I'm just going to plug it in here. And then you kind of overdo it somewhere and it's just like skin, bone and you're like, oh, actually,

that's too close. Whatever like that. But you go, whatever, I'll just pedal backwards and put a bunch of fat in. I think a reverse gear is essential to this.

I'd like if all the fat went into one big tub. So you're just getting anybody's fat. Yeah. Loosed in the middle of the room. I'd like if all the fat went into one big tub So you're just getting anybody's fat Yeah Loosed in the middle of the room Yeah Pedal self-serve liposuction

Self-serve That's great That's really nice Now this isn't so much a skit as a thing that happened to me today But you know things lead places Yeah I dropped my daughter off on my parents It's better because we've got a time limit

It's true So I could come here And I was pushing an empty pram, which makes you look insane, by the way. And then I was passing a kid and he was dressed as Darth Vader with his parents. And I went in my head, what's the salute to Darth?

And my brain went, it's the Nazi salute. I didn't do it. But I ended up going with the, you know, just a guy pushing an empty pram saluting a child but my brain was really just like

no that's it's a metaphor it's Star Wars you know and I did luckily you should have done this to him

here comes the big chicken sorry I started picturing you doing that on stage at the comedy club and going into the crowd and chasing people.

Yeah, it's a real comics lounge. It's a real comedy cellar in New York. It's just like real jaded dudes. All the veteran comics are up the back in the little booth and they're judging it. But then somebody comes in and it's like, oh, the big chicken! And there's those tickling them?

Yeah, yeah. You just want to point out the big chicken doesn't talk. He just screams. Okay. I mean, you can do your own version. What? What? Yeah, it's that.

Kind of screaming. It's just, oh, I don't want to like, that's okay. I mean. It's like a, ah! That's really good. It's that. It's really good. Yeah.

Yeah. My wife hates it. That's not true. She loves it. I mean, but it is also that thing of like, it's good. Yeah. Yeah. My wife hates it. That's not true. She loves it. I mean, but it is also that thing of like, it's bedtime. Yeah. Why have I invented all these sane routines? And then there's these routines.

I'm trying to calm the kids down. That's right. Yeah. The hardest thing for me is like when you're sick of a character, right? And the kids still want it. And you feel like you're Arthur Conan Doyle and people still want Sherlock Holmes and you're like, I killed him off, actually. The big serious daddy, the character that you love,

he fell off a waterfall. It fell off the Reichenbach Falls. It's the David Brent solo movie. Yes. Okay, I love the look. I know we're not all about the sketches here, but I think killing off your child's favourite characters, I think that is very good. We are all about the sketches here, but I think killing off your child's favourite characters. I think that is very good.

We are all about the sketches. That's very, very canonically their day. Well point. Yeah, canonically. Mr Farty Bottom died. Remember, he was in a car crash and he was on life support for three years and then he died. Reactor was going to explode

and so he had to go into the reactor room to shut it off. But the only way I could do it is... I can't retcon him back alive. I can't do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe he has a brother. It's implausible. It's implausible.

I know, and then one day, in a moment of weakness, you create a loophole. Yeah, yeah. And you do it. He transferred his consciousness to Mr. Wee-Wee Pants, actually. So we can clone the body of Mr. Farty Bottom, or we can put his consciousness back into his

we can transfer from Mr. Wee Wee Pants initially a kid's wrapped but then they're like maybe he should have stayed dead maybe not everybody has to come back then you start upping it to make them like it again the stakes don't mean anything anymore then you're like Mr. Wee Wee Pants is actually gonna wet his pants

and you're like and he's a robot and you're like, Mr. Wee Wee Pants is actually going to wet his pants. And you're like, Andy's a robot. Yeah, like that. And you're having to wear gum boots so that it catches all the piss. Oh, you're actually pissing yourself? Yeah, you're having to kiss like that and they go, whoa! Okay, well how about this? Separate sketch. Gritty reboots of

characters you've told your children about. Oh, when they're adults, maybe. Now they're growing up. Slightly, just slightly older still children. They still love the characters. Yeah. They still, you go to family dinners, they still ask you to do Mr. Wee Wee Pants.

Yeah, yeah. Now because they're adults, they want a more mature version of Mr. Wee Wee Pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's not, his family's all dead. Yeah. Exactly. It's Batman 66 to the Dark Knight.

Exactly. It's trauma. This character's had trauma now. Genuine trauma. That's why, because before he was just like, I'm here and I'm here to have fun or whatever, but now it's like, I'm here to have fun because my parents died in a skiing accident

and now I've got to... I think your character's like, I'm here to have fun. I'm here to have... Oh, I wet my pants. But now I'm not doing it because it's fun. I'm doing it because I just don't have control anymore. Come with me to the incontinence hospital. Because he has dementia.

And he's like, hello, doctor. Yes, I'm currently wet. I won't let the nurses come near me because I'm scared because I only remember the war. All right, I've brought my kids. Well, tell them your names. I don't remember. How many is that now?

A million. We've done at least a million sketches. Can we start on? We're on 178 now. 178. Oh, my God. The hardest thing for me in this is thinking of ideas and then getting onto a different idea

and then trying to remember the first idea, which I can never get back to. I know I spend a lot of time desperately trying to reclaim moments that have passed, and it feels a lot like ageing. Well, these two zeros from the 400 and that, they've got that kind of like cavernous thing, and I keep picturing my fingers going into both. And meeting in the middle?

Yeah. Maybe never meeting. It's just being like, go all the way in. Yeah, going in and feeling this weird loneliness. Oh, there's no way. Yeah, you're trying to reach the other. And then you cough and you're like,

did I touch my own brain in there? What happened? What's happening? Yeah. Oh, there's a new guest coming. Oh my gosh. And just on time. in there? What happened? What's happening? Oh, there's a new guest coming. Oh my gosh. And just on time. Oh my goodness. So Matt Stewart is here.

Is he going to jump in? Maybe. Matt Stewart is going to jump in at some point. No, he's got to get something. He's got to get something. Wow. But this is a great distraction from the actual new guest. Just got to get something from behind the screens. Okay.

Okay. The screen just flicked. Yeah. Well, the screen just flicked. Yeah, that was weird. When you mentioned the screen. Yeah. Oh, they know you're listening to them.

Yeah, there was a little shout out for the screen. It's a sentient screen. It watches you. Yeah. Okay. Gentlemen. Yes. It has been so lovely to have you. What a delight. Oh, a big speaker. Yeah, okay. Gentlemen. Yes. It has been so lovely to have you.

What a delight. Oh, a big speaker. Yeah, Matt. You're running a comedy show? Me and Dave are about to do trivia at a Bucks party. That's going to be so nice. Oh, my God. Sounds good.

Great undercut, by the way. It's great that you've managed to turn the thing that you're always doing anyway into a career, going to Bucks parties oh the chat has been here the whole time yeah I know but we try to like not look at it just be the only because I know that I won't come up with sketch ideas and I'm already yeah like you guys kept us on track so much this time you were like that's a sketch idea write it down like that because you're like I know what we're here to do we're do work this is this ain't our first rodeo this is our fourth rodeo yeah anyway it's good to see you guys every two years next time you can say that's not our fourth roadie this is not our fourth right yeah

it's true yeah yeah um something to think about for lines if you're looking for lines if you're preparing for next time yeah i like to hear in two years time notes in advance yeah um it's been so nice um do you guys have anything you want to plug? Sure. Yeah, we have a podcast. Oh, we do. Yeah, we do. We've been doing it for 500 years, I think.

It's called The Weekly Planet. It comes out every Monday, but we also have a YouTube channel. It's called Mr. Sunday Movies, and that's me specifically, but Mason's also on it. There's a lot of episodes now where it's mostly just him.

It's mostly just me. That's a beautiful thing. Yeah, I like that. I like that you managed to merge. Me too, because then I don't you? It's mostly just me. I think that's a beautiful thing. Yeah, I like that. I like that you managed to merge. Me too, because then I don't have to script anything. I mean, it seemed like a lot of work, all that scripting and editing and stuff like that, and finding new things and trailers and things like that.

Yeah, I can't even with that. Man, the attention to detail. I mean, nah. Noticing any detail. I've got to let you know, that's for painters, right? It's for painters to notice detail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, what are we, the Painter of Light?

Whatever that guy's name was? What was his name? Robert. Prohart? Prohart. Robert Prohart. Robert Prohart. Oh, Mr. Hart!

Mr. Robert Prohart. Mr. Robert Prohart! What a way to end. What a way to end our hour. Do you remember that? That carpet cleaning ad? He'd make a big! What a way to end. What a way to end that round. Do you remember that? That carpet cleaning ad? He'd make a big... What a mess!

Mr. Brohard! He'd make a big mosquito... He shot a cake with a gun. How do you not remember that? He'd make a mosquito out of pasta on a floor or whatever. Apparently none of the galleries have his work. I saw a website just the other day. Because it's a cake that he shot with a gun.

How would you put that in there? You don't put it in the National Gallery. You could show the other day because it's a cake that he shot with a gun how would you put that in you don't put it in the National Gallery you could film it and have it as a digital experience you could put it in Bonnie Mona

couldn't you yeah you've seen Mower I call it Mower yeah oh because it'll take anything

yeah look at it take my hand see there you go Gorg is like the guy from Mona. All right.

All right, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. I look forward to speaking about reverse helicopters at some point once again. Absolutely. See you next time. I'm going to take some of this because this is... Oh, thank you.

Do you need me to take any? Oh, thank you. I'm so sorry. Do you want me to fill this up? Oh, sure. I mean, if you would like to. Yes, please. Thank you so much.

Oh, this is so appreciated.