Two In The Think Tank - 404 - "HOUSE FEET"

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

Shoe Removal Car, Carfighting, Limited Mobility Library, Please Put Your Feet On In The House, Maths But In Real Life, Acclownting, Terrifying Murder VHS (Or Standup), PeePeePooPooPotusGustav and Henri Volume 2 is now available to purchase in Australia here!You can support the pod by chipping in to our patreon here (thank you!)Join the other TITTT scholars on the TITTT discord server hereHey, why not listen to Al's meditation/comedy podcast ShusherDon't forget TITTT Merch is now available on Red Bubble. Head over here and grab yourselves some material objectsYou can find us on twitter at @twointankAndy Matthews: @stupidoldandyAlasdair Tremblay-Birchall: @alasdairtb and instaAnd you can find us on the Facebook right hereGeorge produced this episode and it's good to have him back. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A cast powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. These three people knew each other and they're all either dead or missing. There's something big about what's going on. There's something, something crazy about this case. Just somebody tell me where they are and we will go get them. I will go dig. I will go dig and I will find them.

It got to find her a holder one last time, even if it is just her bones. This is the story of the Bakersfield 3, a case file presents podcast, available now wherever you get your podcasts. HeyCast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Oh, Alistair yes Andy. Oh well, I've appeared on a couple episodes of do go on

Oh You think doesn't work because in that you say oh Alistair that means you're me Yeah, that's why and I haven't appeared on any of the ones. I'm not saying that I'm you. I'm saying Alistair, and I'm talking to myself. I'm just using your formats. What about when you said, yes, Andy? Was that you talking to yourself as well?

Is this the duality of man? I was saying, no, I know Andy that you want to step in and correct what I'm doing. Oh, no, I know Andy that you want to step in and correct what I'm doing. Oh, no Andy. It was more of a yes, Andy like that, even though I said it was a more different way that doesn't sound like that.

Anyway, I have appeared on two episodes of Blocktober as part of Do Go On. I appeared on the Tunguska event, which is what that I wrote, but based on real events. And then when Jess slash Bob got hit by a car, I got to appear on the Men in Black episode to fill in her very comfortable shoes. Mm. Tell her she got knocked right out of her shoes. She was one of those classic cartoon style hit by a car.

I think that's in real life. I think that happens in real life. People lose shoes. Really, people get knocked out of their shoes. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. That'd be a great way to take off your shoes at the end of the day.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Let's start the episode. Let's start the episode. Okay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,air Georgie. Georgie? William Trombl, more brutal. And it always sound like you're going for a Bortchel at the end there. Yeah, a Bortchel. Bortchel, Bortchel. A Bortchel.

Trombl, a Boreal. Alistair. So that's it. I mean, what a beautiful idea. What a great start to the episode. It's this thing, but you can get it for your house. It's basically the front of a car on a big sort of arm. I guess I imagine it swings like a child's swing would swing, right?

But in such a way that it can hit you at ground level like an oncoming vehicle. And it'll knock you right out of your shoes. Now, I mean, I almost think it would be good if it could also then knock you straight into bed. Well, I like the idea that you do it while you're looking at your phone. You just press the button up so you're looking at your phone and it knocks you and you just look like flip up

into the air and land on the hood. Bounce off the hood and land on the ground, but your shoes are off now. Now your shoes are off. Yeah, but then your shoes are off. I mean, I feel like I need this in a way to get my kids to take off their shoes when they come into the house. If there was a way, if someone could develop this,

you know, like we were able to selectively breed members of the nightshade family so that they were no longer poisonous, but we could get tomatoes and potatoes out of them that are, in fact, deliciously edible. Right? If someone were able to, I don't know, selectively breed cars in such that you can be hit with them, but not get injured, then I'd love to use that technology. And again, just to be 100% clear, I don't want to hurt my children in any way. I want to take their shoes off. I want to use the ability of cars to knock people's shoes off. Absolutely. To get my children's shoes off, I want to use the ability of cars to knock people's shoes off, to get

my children's shoes off in a safe way. Well, there's no reason why the car needs to be made entirely out of hard metal. I don't know, it might need to be for this to work, but what I'm saying is that the evolutionary process, I think you need to still violently be thrown into the air. Sure, sure. But it's like, you know, it's like boxers sparring with gloves and a helmet, you know? Sure.

It's a, it's a, it's a gym car. Yeah, it's a sparring car. Yeah, you know, and, and why not use a sparring car as well, to, it's a martial art that just prepares you for fighting a car. Spaka, oh. It's a martial art that just prepares you for fighting a car. Sparkar. Oh, it's a really good idea. Man versus car. You know what I would love to see this as an alternative to bullfighting, which is always seemed inhumane. I think a sport, this is perfect. But this is perfect. Played in a sort of a Matador style arena. It's man versus car.

It's got everything. It really does have absolutely everything. I mean, I can't believe that this doesn't exist. It's a demolition derby. But... But you're like the person driving is having so much fun trying to hit this person. Then we can honestly say that.

They want to be there. No, he's having a good time. He likes this. And then there's a person standing there and they've got to guess a spear and maybe a spanner. I don't know. A spanner on the end of a stick. Maybe is the car zips past, they try and undo

some of the nuts on the wheels, if they're very good. Yeah, so they, and they suddenly they jump on top of the car and they start slapping the person in the car. I mean, I don't know if you're allowed to hurt the person in the car because I think it's just you versus the car. That's the curious one. I guess that would be like the equivalent of going in and sort of trying to get on top

of the bull and stick your fingers in its ears and try to poke his brain. Poke is bright. You're not allowed. You're not allowed to touch the the the bull's brain You can only stab it in the heart just suppose there's the engine Yeah, it's a lot What were you talking about before the podcast something about pulling your balls out. Oh, this is our... I don't know if I

want to need to bring this up again now. This is our double Eater Paul scenario in which Eric Clapton is Eater, Eric Clapton, who's discovered that his sister was his mother at some point in his life. He thought discovered that his sister was his mother at some point in his life. He thought she was his sister, but it was actually his mum. And in this Eta Poussinario, he's also discovered that he was having sex with his sister, who then discovers his mum. And I guess he was separated from his sister at some point.

Yes, yeah. And so after making out with her or having sex with her, I guess he was separated from his sister at some point. Yes. So then he, and so after making out with her or having sex with her, he finds out that it's his sister and he goes, no! So he pulls out his eyes. Yes. And so then, but then it's revealed by his grandmother, who he thought was his mother, his mother, that actually his sister was his real mom. And so then he needs to pull out a second set of around shaped things on his body.

So Paul's out his balls. Paul's out his physical. Yeah. Now, the problem with this, yeah, I've just, I've only just realized the problem with this is that I can't imagine a scenario in which you're making out with somebody and it's revealed to you that they're your sister, right? So the people who know that they're your sister must also know that it's your mum. Well, that's what I thought at first.

If you've been estranged from this person, why would they reveal to you that they're your sister if they know that they're your mum? Well, I felt this at the beginning as well, but you got to remember that the problem... That's a natural thing. Everybody goes through that feeling. He goes through this, Andy. What are you supposed to be like here?

But I have grown with my 10 step plan. You see, they probably do this kind of situation because of societal pressures To hide the fact that a young woman is having a baby and So and so they would have hidden it from people within the community Hmm, so maybe maybe the male man tells him that it's his sister because he knows He knows that his sister because that's what he had always been told. I suppose while they were hiding that the young girl was pregnant by hiding her belly, they were probably adding cushions to them to the grandma's belly.

Yes. To make her seem like she was getting super pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're probably adding shoulder pads or something like that to the daughter. The young daughter who's pregnant. To make it keep it all proportional. Yeah, hyper proportional.

Making her arms thicker. You know, given her sort of sat putting in saddlebags on her legs and stuff like that. Doing that sort of optical illusion stuff that they did with the Lord of the Rings to make Gandalf look bigger than the Hobbits. Yeah, and they were doing a lot less. Building weird shaped tables. Yeah, and sort of making like they were doing with C.C.

in the nanny, and they were just, a lot of the time just standing in her a you know a bookshelf or something like that behind a bookshelf yeah they the family ran a mobile book a man of mobile library but it was just a library that explains that that story arc for that season the mobile library yeah so they but there was just a library on like a little truck, like a bookshelf on a trolley.

It wasn't very mobile. It wasn't hypermobile. It could just move around the room. It was really, it was a housebound library. It had limited, it's a limited mobility library. It's a library. It's a library. It's a mobile.

It's a library. It's a library. It's a library. It's a library. It's a library. It's a library. It's a library. It's a library. It's a bookshelf of crutches. Yeah. It can hobble. It can hobble. It's not fully mobile. I wonder if you could hang a bookshelf on some crutches just at the top. Like you put a little hinge. Yeah, like that at the top, right? Between the two crutches and then you move the crutches forward and then the library swings. Yeah, the bookshelf swings and then it lands back there and then you move the things forward.

I heard being the person having to move it. Look, yeah, and the lurching would probably dislodge some of the books. I'm not saying this would be better than wheels, but I was there. I think it is feasible in the what the system you've described. I think that would work to allow you you've described. I think that would work to allow you to have a bookshelf that could hobble. Yeah, I mean, I limited mobility. There's such a great idea. Ripping on that beloved and well-known concept of a mobile

library, taking the idea and then making it not a very mobile library, one that's just in for a house. You've heard of a mobile library on a limited library library. Oh, right, everybody. It's done. That's actually a very simple concept to explain.

Come the jokes. Very easy. Yes. Come the jokes about having limited mobility. Sort of about being sort of a little bit physically disabled. Oh, yeah. OK. So, sure, the setup of a little bit physically disabled. Oh yeah, okay. So sure, the setup is a little clunky, sure, not everybody's aware of the concept. But once you get into the meat of it, it's very problematic.

So it's worth it. It's worth it. I mean, maybe this is the way that we finally regained the ability to make jokes about limited mobility. The problem was the thing it made at Probo was that it was about people with limited mobility. But what about objects with limited mobility? They have no humanity. A lot of the time. As far as the way of educating people, the way of kind of being able to push things forward

is through books. And this bit has a lot of books in it. And it has a lot of pushing forward as well. Before when you were talking about getting your kids shoes off right and yeah, I you know, I find anybody who cares about taking shoes off before they get in the house, I find that completely insane. Right. Well, that's we do it at our place. I know. That's why I was I was trying to call you. That's why I was bringing it up. Yeah, good. I mean, of course you live in a mud pit and so I like, so I can understand there's a little bit more reason.

But, you know, it feels like it's crazy to just to resist the inside of your house becoming a mud pit. It feels like an endless battle that you will never win. But it feels like the logical thing to do would be just to make some kind of mud-floored house. That's right. But I was thinking that maybe there's a middle ground that you could find, which is shoes. People sometimes people have house shoes, but what about house shoes that you can put on, put your whole shoe into? House shoes, for your shoes, for your shoes.

You know what I mean? So that way, you your shoes, shoes for your shoes. You know what I mean? So that way, yeah, you never have to take off your shoes. Right? And it's for people who, you know, and this could be for, you know, cultures where they are more inclined to take off their shoes, but then they have white people come over to their house that don't take off their shoes, usually, and are not used to it, well, then they could have shoes for them so that they could keep their shoes on. Can I put this out there? What if the shoe shoe looks like a foot? Like a, like a, like a fleshy, expert, no, unsocked, exposed foot.

And you could have socks for that foot that you put on. You sure would be sure. The unsocked foot gets cold. This is a really good thing to have for people who have friends from Asian cultures. Yeah, that's the problem. And they're actually there. They're on really good terms. They visit these people's houses a lot, but they're unwilling to make any concession

to their culture. Yeah. And that feels to me like possibly the way forward. Australia as a country, we've proven recently in no uncertain terms that we are not willing to make any effort to be a fully accepting multicultural nation. Maybe this is a problem we could solve with technology instead of with progressing personally,

instead of with any personal growth. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Because I really like this idea, Alistair House feet. Yeah, I love House feet a lot. Yeah. And I love that it's a thing that the people from the, from those cultures are going to have to go out of their way to get these things, keep them at the door, you know, keep them clear, that sort of thing, to accommodate our unwillingness. And of course, they'll be, they will be completely white-skinned feet

because that's exactly who they are. Yeah. You know, but I think that they will look... It might be the best idea we've ever had. Yeah, that's great. I mean, one time when I was listening back through episodes looking for ideas, I did like on this exact same topic when a joke that you made about when we were talking about people who have a little sign that says, you know, in this house we take off our shoes or something like that.

And then you were suggesting putting a little sign on your feet that suggests, well, in these feet, we keep our shoes on. I'm sorry, I also have a song. I also have a song. I guess I can't sell each other out. Yeah. It's who's to say which song is correct?

Signs in mathematics, mathematical signs, LSTS. It's going to be very good. You're going to want to listen to this. Because we also use the word sine to describe. The word sine, but it's a bad word. No, no, no, no. The other method of the upper right is the upper left. But that's a good idea though.

They look out the window, they're watching the news and they see that video from a birthday party. Right? And they're like, I haven't seen the movie signs. Crazy. What a cultural touchstone that has gone untouched by the Andy's tender tender beautiful hands. I touched the big signs with my hands. And then it's a division sign that what goes past and everybody goes, those would be the ones you don't want, right?

The division and the subtraction sign, the devil's addition. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Would both be the most threatening of this mathematical signs? What do you think about that? To you if they touched you. Do you think you would split? Do you think that what they represent would happen to you?

I think it would have to. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that this is like, this is what I was going to suggest is like, what if we could make real life versions of the mathematical sides, the mathematical operators, plus, but in real life, right? Like a real one, not just maths anymore, but make a real one in the real world. Yeah, so like, so if a plus touched you, then it would just create another one of you. I think that would be a multiply or something. That would have to be a multiplier.

That's the thing. By themselves, the operators don't really do anything. They need to... But a multiplier is just a plus, like through... It's essentially a plus algorithm. Yes, sort of, but I don't think you're thinking about it properly, and I can't be bothered to explain why. No, Andy. Andy, just fix it.

Just you tell me what you think. Well, I think I was trying to, Alistair, but you were talking over the top of me. And I lost interest, but Alistair, I never had the interest. No, I think you were talking under the bottom of me. Really, under the bottom, I wasn't talking over the top of you. You were talking under the bottom of me, Alistair. But I'm suggesting that the mathematical operators would need to, because they work to combine numbers, right?

Yeah. They cause them to interact, you know, mathematical terms in equations that sort of interact via the operators. Yeah. So you would need two things, two, yeah, two things, exactly. So, so like if it would have worked through touching it. So like if it was a plus sign, it would cause people to have a baby, I guess. Me plus you all cause us to combine together. That's right. If it was me plus you, right, if we both touched a plus sign, then you and I would fuse together into one sort of al-Andy monster, hideous monster.

What about how it's touching the air when it's not touching something else? And it's touching all the microbes in the air and stuff like that. Would you get that the fly situation? I think it depends on how the rules of this work. And I think we need to talk to a mathematician scientist, a maths biologist to truly get to the bottom of it.

A real mathematical, operatum mathematician, a flesh biologist, flesh, would it start to combine you with every single atom that touched it? Exactly. And I guess they'd also have to be a physicist. And also what would happen to, let's say the subatomic particles that touched it were that were in two spots at once.

Hell, let's say this is what I want. I want a podcast that is this. Right, I want to. This is one tank. But I think, no, no, no, no, I sort of I want this cross with the pop test. Like I want the, that has to be able to go back and redo the pop test. Right. But now we only ask these kinds of questions to scientists to come on. Yeah. So we'll get on a biologist and a mathematician and a physicist and we'll

say, this is, we want an answer to this question. If there were mathematical operators in the real world, would they work on just people, or would they combine you with everything that they touch? And so, that's what I want to know. This is a great horror movie, by the way. Oh, yeah. I mean, and it would be great for, you know, for a character who never, who hated maths in the first place. And then in order to beat these things, would

have to suddenly grasp. Yes. Grasp it by the neck and choke it today. That's right. Hopefully while it's not touching anything else, you'd have to do it in a vacuum. This would be great. And then at the end, after this has happened, right after they've defeated mathematics, then we end up in that universe where there's no maths that we were talking about in sci-fi try guys.

That we come out the other side having defeated maths in the real world. And then maths doesn't exist anymore. Now you can no longer add anything together. And it's a kind of dystopia. But you know what would be crazy though Andy. If the minus operator, if it touched you and another person, and it removed all the differences between you, no, all that would be left would be the differences. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. So just like a little bit of nose and yeah. That would be crazy because I guess most of your DNA is identical, except for some bits. But then almost all your skin, I guess yeah, it removes what atom by atom? It can't be true.

I mean, this is why we need to talk to a biologist. This is why we need to talk to a biologist. That would work. Would it work? Would it work? Or would it work? Would it work? Attribute by attribute. It's so good.

We get them on and we make them tell us how it would work. Ask them these horrible questions. Now, but how would it work? Seriously. What would it do? You're the scientist. You tell me. This is like when somebody, every time, like something's wrong

with my car and somebody goes, didn't you study engineering? Anyway, yeah, yeah, we learned all about how to fix this particular kind of car. And I should know all the time. Did people say that to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody says that to me. You know, it's like, although yesterday I did,

you know, because I got my bike out from the shop getting it fixed while I'm, I guess as this is being released, I'm probably currently on this two week bike ride that is gonna kill my ass. It's gonna murder my ass. And I got the bike out and then I went on for a big two hour ride the next day

and then a thing broke again and I was like, oh Jesus Christ, this is going to be a bayet. But then and so I was like, gonna have to bring it back. And then I was like, I better just try and look up how to fix this thing. And it's like the front derailleur and trying to figure it out. And then I was like, I watched a few videos and I realized that if you watch videos like that you don't really get what's happening, you watch them about three or four times. Suddenly you do understand things.

It just takes a bunch of time for your mind to just get around all of the concepts. Yeah, yeah, you realized that, did you? Yes, I mean, I've realized it, but I mean, the thing is that it does, cause you could be, you know, it wouldn't be insane for you to watch something and then go, I can't understand this

and take the meaning of the word can't as I am never gonna be able to, right? I don't know. Like I do with learning new physical skills. Exactly. And in many ways, everything is a physical skill since that we are made of matter. Right. And so you're a materialist. I'm a materialist. Right. And so anyway, I've watched this thing over and over again, and then I went, okay, I think I understand the concept. And then I tried to fix it. And then I realized I got it.

I had it completely the opposite way. And so then I tried to fix it again. And then I fixed it. Was that satisfying? I mean, of course it was satisfying. It's one of the few things that brings true joy in your life is learning and fixing something and it working. And then being like, I have progressed as a person. Just amazing how little we do it. I know. Absolutely. I mean,

I'm not going to put myself in a situation where I've constantly. I'm experiencing satisfaction. Well, I know, but then in order to do it, you also go to put yourself in a situation where you are in trouble. Mmm, sure, you know, but I guess you could solve problems for other people. That's true. That's true, but I told you Andy, I'm not gonna start helping people until I'm absolutely sure that a huge success and fame are not the solution. not the solution. You know, I have to experience the, you know, like, like everyone, I'm not going to just let other people tell me, well, I got huge success and fame. And then that wasn't, that didn't bring me joy. Yeah, it didn't bring you joy. Exactly. That's right. But let us all get, get, you know, discover that for ourselves. Anyway, I've taken this way away from the thing. No, no, no, no, This is all good stuff, Alistair. I have two things I want to say to you.

Yes. Okay. One, I had a, I think I pitched something on the 400th episode, which was about photos before and after photos with people standing next to a big pair of pants, right, holding a big pair of pants that they don't fit into anymore. Yeah, that's really great. Right. It is great. I haven't told fit into anymore. Yeah, that's really great. Right It is great. I haven't told you the funny bit yet, but it is great No, I didn't love that. I was just thinking about I was like I should go take I should go buy some giant pants and take some Yeah, and they're the other but this one because on that one I was like This is a before and after after I took, you know, Jimmy McNulty's eight month pants widening course, right? They teach you how to widen your pants.

Right. But this one I was thinking you could just do the same thing. But this time it's like this because, you know, it's, you know, it'd be like before and after and it says six months later or whatever. Yeah. Right. Uh, this is, and this might not be anything, but it's like, it's, you know, it'd be like before and after and it says six months later or whatever. Right. Yeah. Right. This is, and this might not be anything, but it's like, this is, these are photos of me, this is from the time it took me six months to take off my pants. Wait.

Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, I get that now. Sorry. Yeah. I do like that. Thanks. Yeah. I don't know, I don't know why. I don't know if it like that. Thanks. Yeah. I don't know why.

I don't know if it needs any more information. Yeah, yeah. This is from that time. It took me six. And you think, because you think that big pants like that would actually take a lot longer. Or less time to take off. Be a lot easier to take off.

Yeah, that's what I meant a lot easier to take off. But also in the first photo, are you just wearing the pants? Yeah, I think so. But I was also thinking I could do it, try and do a comedy festival show in which every single joke is just trying to come up with a different punchline to pictures of people standing next to their pants. Yeah, I mean... Do you think I could turn that into an hour?

Yeah, big pants. Yeah, big pants photo. Oh, yeah. Is all the photos gonna be you and big pants? Yeah, I think so. In a different pair of big pants. I think it's the same photo every time. And I just have to have a different punchline to it.

Okay, yeah, yeah, I like that. And so, but then do you also only reveal the photo then you start on a blank screen again every time? Yeah, I think so. And then you reveal the photo and then you deliver the photo. But it couldn't, that couldn't be the same format every time because of course. Comedy needs surprise.

It needs a little bit of surprise. Yeah, I've probably changed the or maybe the cropping or the resolution of the photo some of the time. Oh, yeah Maybe sometimes it appears behind the audience and they sometimes it has to turn around awkwardly. Oh, yeah, and sometimes it's It's just zoomed in on your chin and you don't see the big pants, but you know they're there somewhere They're implied they have really implied you can infer their existence from the chin Oh, maybe if you could see the reflection of the pants in your eyes, I know it'd be very difficult, but you'd have to be standing in front of a big mirror as well. And that's a mirror that, of course,

you know, is now too big for you. Yeah, yeah, that's right. The other thing I wanted to pitch to you, oh, no, you go. No, you go, no, you hit me. I was just going to- Well, mine's a changed subject. Because I was just picturing myself wearing a giant pair of pants, but with suspenders. And I was like, oh, that'd be funny. But then I realized, I think that's just a clown's outfit. And that would be funny. Whoa. Yeah.

Have I talked about this on the podcast before? What? Like, what a clown's supposed to be. Yeah, have I talked about this on the podcast before? Like what a clown's supposed to be? Like with that face makeup and shit. Like what are they supposed to be? It feels like they're pretending to be something, but like what? What are they trying to look like?

Yeah, what are clowns supposed to be? Like it's almost like their faces are butterflies or something. Maybe, is that it? Is it like a group of people, It's almost like their faces are butterflies or something Is it like a group of people like is we have what is the origin of? Of cloud face makeup. Yeah, like watch that stuff like the big those lips that big thing they do around the mouth Is that lips? Oh is it is it linked to? Is that the somebody would like a really chapped? Oh wait, they've been kissing a guy with a stubble Andy. Is it linked to... Is that somebody who'd like a really chapped? Oh wait, Andy.

Is it... They've been kissing a guy with a stubble? Andy, is it just... Is it just linked to, um... To like that racist thing? Um... Like, minstrels. Um, blackface.

Minstrels. I don't think so. Oh my god, it probably is. You... Ah. What about the red nose though? Um, that's innovation, that's its own thing. I know, but I think making big noses would does feel like a racial thing. Oh, okay, what about the red hair?

The red hair to me feels like somebody, like the fact that they've gone with, it's gonna be white, face paint, and it's gonna the red hair? The red hair to me feels like somebody, like the fact that they've gone with, it's gonna be white face paint, and it's gonna be red hair feels like somebody overcomensating after they were called out by someone who said that they were doing a racist thing. They're like, no, no, because I didn't tell you about the red hair.

And the, yeah, the red hair, and I would do it because they're making fun of like the Irish instead Yeah, that's fine. We can we can shift away from a What about those cross eyes this eyes that are like a little cross. That's fucked Look, I don't know I think I think that this goes back a long way. I've opened up a I Mean look there is a thing here on a website called blackface.com and it says the black, blackface origins and clowning, but I'm not sure, you know, some of this stuff goes back to before, you know, Shakespearean times and all that kind of stuff.

So I, sure, I don't have the time to read into this. And, yeah, no, and I don't actually don't want you to yes well yeah yeah great I wasn't it wasn't a serious question in that way yeah but what don't worry don't feel a responsibility to I mean the idea that maybe we find what the original people that they're trying to be are and it was like just some very professional it was like you know it was like kind of very professional. It was like, you know, it was like kind of in the same way that I guess regular, you know, like, or regular people who were kind of

nobles would wear a lot of like powdered white faces and big wigs. The idea that clowns actually it would just used to be a normal thing worn in accounting. Well, of course, it was traditional that you would wear shoes about ten times bigger than your regular foot size. That was just what you would... Hey, Cass Powers, the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. These three people knew each other and they're all either dead or missing.

There's something big about what's going on. There's something crazy about this case. Just somebody tell me where they are and we will go get them. I will go dig. I will go dig and I will find them. I got to find her a holder one last time, even if it is just her bones. This is the story of the Bakersfield 3, a case file presents podcast, available now wherever you get your podcasts.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. acast.com everywhere e-cast.com You do. That's just what you would do. Yeah, although I don't think your countenance would have worn them ten times regulates obviously it'd be exaggerated. Now countenance probably would have only worn shoes that were like eight or nine times bigger.

Yeah, that's right, because they weren't using the the base 10 number system at the time. There wasn't supposed Because they weren't using the base 10 number system at the time. There wasn't supposed to be absurd, and indeed the base 10 number system. The other thing that I wanted to bring up was my horror movie idea. I had this idea for a horror movie in which it's one of those videotape based horror movies. Yeah, great. Somebody gets sent or discovers an old videotape,

a really old VHS, right? And they watch it. And on this video, really old. Really old. Really old. What? Rehistoric.

What year were they created? Oh, fucking, I don't know Probably I was okay. I'm gonna try and guess what year VHS was invented. Are you ready? Yeah 1974 I'm sorry Andy VHS is a standard for consumer level analog recording on tape cassettes invented in 1976. Sorry Andy. Oh, no. Oh, Kelly. Hey Andy, I heard VHS just then. Did part of your brain just trigger and go, I haven't written that as a question yet. No, because I know that I already have, or I already have tried to.

I already have tried to. I'm pretty sure I did. Pretty sure I did. I think it's a video home system. It's what it stands for. Yeah, okay. We're writing trivia questions as a job at the moment. Yeah.

And acronyms are beautiful little seams of nuggets of potential. What have you? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So somebody finds a VHS tape, an inch. We really turned ourselves into acronym for maniacs. How is there, yeah, they find ancient tape, they put in, they dust off the VHS play, they put it in, they watch this tape, and on this tape is a horrible murder, right?

Taking place, and then they see the face of the murderer turning and looking at the camera with this horrible smile and it's them doing the murder. That's all I have so far but like in terms of like a sort of a fucked up thing to see that you would not like witnessing and that opens the mind to terrifying possibilities, I think that's something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do like that. And so how do we turn it into a comedy sketch, Eric?

Like, I like terrible. But let's see see as an offer Okay, what instead of instead of a tape of them committing a horrible murder. It's a boot DVD It's a boot DVD of them doing a really good best man speech at a wedding. have no memory of attending. See? Yeah. Is that anything? I mean I think to do something interesting. It's videotapes of them performing stand-up and killing, right? But they have no memory of ever doing these performances. It's still got a little bit, it's still slightly sinister. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, yeah, because so it's like videotape from behind.

And so somebody's doing a comedy set and it's just a tape that appears in their, in their like mailbox. Yeah. Great. And then, and then the set goes really well. And then they turn to the camera. And then the set goes really well and then they turn to the camera So it's not a well shot set the fact that you're only saving for behind whoever was filming it really dropped the ball I mean, I think it would be it's useful if you're a standout to to to get that those kind of reactions on tape but But then to see the sinister song be like that's like being freaked out that it's you. Yeah.

I mean, I think there's a story in it. Like, I mean, you like essentially as soon as you see that and this, you realize this person doesn't know what it was. You've got yourself a full story as they've like a beginning and an end. Yeah, it's a real, it's a real sort of werewolf kind of thing. They have this thing where in the night they go out and they kill and they kill again, but they're killing on stage at the comics lounge and waking up and they can smell the club on them. And there's scraps of notes written all around. New gear.

Maybe they've been possessed by the spirit of a dead comedian in some way, who a restless spirit that still wants to perform. Would it be worse? Okay. If the performances they're doing are really bad, right? So they're going out and they're bombing in their sleep. At like open mics and they're watching the stuff and a lot of it's really not okay, right?

That's part of what's so horrifying to them about it is that it's like, it's crook gear. Yeah, I mean, it's part of the thing. And they're stealing jokes for some reason is doing well seems to me almost more terrifying because then you would like, you know, if you did poorly, you would be like, I guess my brain blocked it out. But then why is my brain? And I guess I wasn't fully conscious, so it would make sense that I wasn't good at doing stand-up. Yeah, and then maybe finding like another video online somehow

would be like, even more terrifying, because you're like, wait, wait, so this is a different one and I did do this for a while? Hmm, yeah, yeah, maybe you're getting better, but I think there's also another thing which is like maybe a documentary on the scene. Oh, no, I guess this is kind of. Are we just inventing Jack Trus' bit about the guy covered in blood who wakes up on stage? He's covered in blood and he doesn't know how he got there. Sort of the opposite of that. I think this is the opposite.

Yeah. Thank God. This is the opposite of that. But a guy, a stand up documentary about, you know, sort of Jerry, Jerry Seinfeld's comedian style. It's about this guy and he's a sleep walker and a sleep talker, right? And he's just some regular guy who falls asleep in New York City and then he gets up and he walks the streets and he goes and signs up for open mic nights and he performs on stage eyes closed completely like unconscious sleep

stand and he's a sleep performer. He does, he does pretty well. Yeah. And then I think that this is another comedian's talking about it. For me, I think that that's like an avenue that somebody would think is the solution, but I don't, I don't find it satisfying as for the story that that would actually be what happened.

Sure, sure. You know, great. Yeah, I want, want something, something more strange. Just the idea that you're not living entirely your life or you how you would forget part of your life that that is more unsettling and yeah, maybe imagine if you, like I guess, if you did shift in the, this is not, I don't think the interesting solution, but if you did shift dimensions, you went into a new universe and you kind of, you know,

timeline or whatever, but you didn't know. And there was no noticeable reason, there was no event or anything like that. That somehow you're just saying that has scared me a little bit. If the possibility of that happening. Like I just got a little thrill of like, oh my God, what if that happened to me? And I was looking after my kids and I didn't realize that they weren't really my kids. Well, I still think that they would be enough your kids.

But maybe not. What if they're not though, right? Like if I'm in a different dimension, then they're not my children. But they are still from your DNA, which would be basically the same, right? Because if they exist, those children can only exist from a union between you and your beloved. Yeah, but there's something about that bond that wouldn't be the same. I haven't raised them.

We haven't grown together in that same way. But you would have raised the other ones that are almost identical. And then the other one, the other person, so I think there wouldn't, I mean, I think that there is something unsettling, weird difference there. But I reckon in the law, in the grand scheme of things, it would be negligible in the difference to your life other than like, if you think. I think it's something that could send somebody completely insane. And I think what we, we've invented a new kind of mental illness, which I think is exciting. A new kind of delusion, derangement. Yeah, like that time that I thought I had a metal wire

somewhere in my gums. Remember that? No, but that's not nice at all. That sounds like full on drug psychosis. Yeah, one time I was like waiting to go into a gig and I was sitting in my car and I could feel in the back of my mouth a really sharp little thing

just kind of like sticking out of my gums. And I was like, what the fuck was that? Like that and I was touching it with my tongue. And then I would kind of like try to get my thumb in there to try to feel where it was and I couldn't feel it. And then, and then at some point I I did, I kind of found it. And then I like, and I start to pull on it. And I just felt, I didn't know what it was, but it felt like it was like pulling from like,

deep within my like gum structure, like up in, like attached to the bone. And so straight away, I was like, it just felt like an invasion of the body snatchers thing. Something it had entered my body and was starting to like replace me with wiring or whatever. And of course that's where my mind went to first. And then at some point I just felt again and it was gone and I never found this hard piece of like thing again. The genuinely you were pulling on something and there was something there.

There was something there and it was like deeply ingrained. It might have been like a fish bone or something like that. I don't know. That's awful. That's really horrible. But I was like, oh, it's the aliens that have invaded my body that are starting to take control. And then it just disappeared and I was like, oh, well, maybe there was a sci-fi story in it one day.

Andy, we're gonna start doing sci-fi try guys again. Yeah, over on the Patreon. It's gonna happen. We got a little nudge from our, Patreon, a Genie Welty, and we're genuine, I'm actually thankful. We're genuinely excited about about trying to do it do it some more back on the back on the sci-fi's

back on the on the try guys although since the that group that were very popular called try guys do you think it should become sci-fi attempt boys? Yeah okay, re Yeah. Okay, wait. I think we should go to words from a listener. Okay, words from a listener. Which listener should we do today? Do you think Casey Pearson? I'd be good if I got to I had to guess the listener. Which listener? Okay, do you try and guess? Casey Pearson? Yes. You got that run. You got that run right. You got that run right. Feels good. I actually did feel good. You know what would be really cool?

If you did have, let's say you were guessing, and you said like, wrong, jabrassier, something like that. Mm. And I could say, that's right, you got that run right. I imagine that. That wrong. You got that wrong right. Yeah, I mentioned that wrong. You got that wrong right. You got that wrong right. No, got that wrong right. That would work if you also work as an answer. If you had just said, let's say Casey Pearson and it was Casey Pearson, but I was played by Scooby Doo and he would say, you got that wrong, right? All right.

So now Casey has sent in three words from a listener, and I believe it's Casey. So what do you think the first word is? Okay, the first word is Laga phone Laga phone. Oh very close. It's right Right right RIG HT no WRIT. Yes. Yes Okay Right W-R-I-T-E. Yes. Yes. OK. Right.

Sum. Second word, sum. Oh. No, not at all. No, the second word is play. Right. Play. The third word is glove.

Right, play, glove. Right, play glove. Yeah. No. Could be some sort of eight-pray love kind of. Sure. Yeah. Read, play, glove. No, I'm sorry. The third word is right. Right, play, right. And is the third word is right. Right play right and is the third word word. R.I.G.H.T. Yes it is. Yeah. Yes. Yes. But is it play right? P.L. Did you bring this up recently? How is playwrights spelled? Is it PLA, Y, W, R, I, G, H, T?

Yeah, it's really F, you're like a... Yeah, like a... A FUCK, you did. Is it... it sounds like they spelled it wrong? Yeah, R, R, and G. So it's right as in like a ship right. Somebody who builds ships. Somebody who builds plays. Yes, that's what it is.

Right comes from the act of making. Yeah, so, and so, but in this case, we're using two wrong rights. To make right play. Now two rights, what do they make? Oh, an airplane. The first airplane. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Two rights make a plan.

Two wrongs. That's what you're going to say. That's my priority. This is the latest response to an already lame response. Yeah, great. Well, two wrongs don't make a right. Well, two rights do make a plane. Then why would you say that?

Because I was about to say that. And why would you say that's the labest response? No, no, I mean, in terms of like, in terms of in an actual conversation Where people are trading sayings All right, what about this would this be lima? Oh, I just paid my pants. Well, I'll be lima. No, I actually like that more The way we in my poo poo hole Push their penis into their own anus And then peed and then said oh I did a we in my poo poo hole Who are they saying this to the president their mom the other president?

I mean once upon a time I feel time, I feel like that, I feel like once upon a time that would have had more cash, eh, but I feel like the office of the president of the United States of America has been diminished and the act of putting your, you know, sit to your pub, peeing into your own pub and say, oh, I did aP. in my poo poo hole to the president doesn't have that, that's something that at once had. It's not as transgressive. I mean, I think I like it. Don't Trump has devalued the presidency to such a point where somebody doing that is no longer considered embarrassing.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I like the, it's somebody, it's an artist talking about this photograph of them in the Oval Office with the president and the president is laughing. And you're looking sad and you've just got a wet patch on your pants. In the back of your pants. Yeah. And you go, and this is when the time I said to the president, well, I did a wee wee in my poo poo hole.

Do you think that you, this is the situation, right? You're going to meet the president, right? You suddenly, suddenly, suddenly really need to pee, right? Your bladder is really full, because you know, for a fact, you just did a big poo, so your bowel is completely empty, right? Unfortunately, you've got a long penis and you in this emergency scenario where there's

no other options. The security the the secret services there they say this is your chance to meet the president right you you push your penis into your pub and you pay it to your own. Slide your hand down your pants. Yeah exactly. And then you like into your eyes. Slide your hand down your pants. Yeah, exactly. And then you're like, oh my god, I gotta save this from going wrong. Yeah, okay.

You're standing alone in there and you start to pee into it. You relax. There's a look of relaxation on your face. You're like, it's working. Thank God. I got out of this potentially nightmare scenario. Yeah. Yeah.

And then the door opens and the shock of the president walking in makes you shit yourself. At the moment, you're shitting your own, you're shitting kids. Oh no! The camera, are the cameras all there The camera, the camera's all there. Yeah, the cameras are all there. Yeah, great.

And then you say, when the camera's all on, we're there when you were pushing your penis into your own bum hole as well, but you turn to the wall to do it in a kind of, a way with a bit of a debonair. Yeah, great. Yeah. And a bit of class, a bit of dignity. Yeah. And for some reason, I'm picturing that the president is Obama. I think, and now I see what I think for this to be a truly satirical sketch, you know, that is my dream.

I hope this, this is finally the thing that restores satire to its rightful place, okay? And finally has some cut through and some impact as satire has failed to do in recent years, possibly ever. It's Donald Trump, right? And you doing this, it all being caught on camera, barely makes the news, right?

It's not even the most outrageous thing that happened in the Trump White House that day. And that's what makes it satirical, the fact that the, as I say, the office of the presidency has been so diminished by Trump's candidacy and leadership that much as he said, he could shoot a man in the middle of the street and he wouldn't lose any votes. Now you can piss into your own bum hole on camera in front of the president and not lose any dignity. Yeah, I'm happy to go with that.

No, but Alistair, I'm also, as I say it, I know everything that's, I know it's you're not going to find it satisfying, so I'm happy to go with your one as well. It can be, oh, Barbara, what about this? What if there's a, what, maybe we can all win here. Maybe there is an official agency of the government, right? That measures the dignity of the officer, it's their responsibility to measure the dignity. We can always, just let me finish.

It's over. I'm wearing a Trump suit. Wearing a Trump mask and he's wearing a Trump suit. Oh, that is good. Okay, so you do your- Maybe that's what clown makeup is. It's somebody dressed up as Donald Trump. Yeah.

We got it, we got it. Sad eyes,, baby. There's an office of the US government whose job it is to monitor and give updates and measure the dignity of the office of president. And as such, there's somebody whose role it is to on camera, pee into their own bum hole and say I did a pee pee in my poo poo hole, in front of the president, in front of every president, maybe every month, they do this every month. And by monitoring how much dignity the person loses

in doing this, that is their way of much like, you know, the price of a Mars bar is used as a measure of inflation. This is used as a measure of the dignity of the office of the office. Or like how you would like, you know, set off explosives underground to, you know, to, to, to, to, to, exactly to try and do seismic measurements and learn about the structure of the, yeah.

Find out about the density of, yeah, of, of, of a bit of land and things like that. Yeah. Ah! Ah! Ah! This is seismic dignity testing. And this is from the right play, right prompt. And I'll just write down saying, I did a pp in my poople fan. Oh, thank you for listening, everybody, to the think tank.

I mean, he's followed his off to a rip. It's an absolute rip snorter. Oh, mate, this snorter's been thoroughly ripped. Interesting. We ripped this snorter, new one. Someone doing this in front of the Australian Prime Minister. It's's got no no doesn't mean anything has no meaning. Yeah But but I could picture maybe it happening in front of Xi Jinping and him not resisting You know like not showing any emotion as like his goose take the person away.

What about doing it in front of Putin? Yeah, that. That's kind of fun to me. I would kind of like that. I think it's fun again. It's almost like a Steve O' Prank. You know, Yeah,

if we could get Steve O to do that in front of Putin. Yeah, that could help. I think it could help. I think it could help get him re-elected. Oh, Putin. Yeah. Do you think it, well, I mentioned. Oh, it's a fun idea.

Do you think that would help deal his chances? His chances, yeah, he could really have this thing in the bag. And the big bag of ballots that he writes himself and gives to the bloody ballot counters. Big bag theory. Yeah. Go on. Yeah, the universe came out of a big bag. What about that? Bullet counters. Big bag theory. Hmm. Yeah. Go on.

Yeah, the universe came out of a big bag. We're seeing evidence of the bag. We could get this off the ground. We could genuinely get it off the ground. But anyway, I'm like, while this isn't off the ground, let's wrap up the episode by going through the sketch ideas. What are you saying? Yeah, I'd love that.

And a big thank you to Casey Pearson for your beautiful words and the beautiful sketch idea that it inspired. And so today's sketch is car in the house for hitting you to take your shoes off. It's the domestic one. Then we've got a sport where it's bullfighting, but with a car, it's also got the idea of the sparring the car and the gym. This is, you know, it's a, you know, for firing car. That's where you would practice, of course. Yeah. As I imagine, they practice somebody when a bullfighter practices, he has a friend dress

up as a bull and chase him around. Stabs them today. Yeah. And then we have the limited mobility library. Then we have house feet for people to put their shoes into, to walk inside. You know what would be great is we should invent a type of knife, right? Mm.

Where instead of, so it has a knife handle, but instead of a blade, it has a sort of a big round rubber nub, okay? It's quite broad, okay? And what it is, is so if you see somebody choking or in need of CPR, you can run over and administer CPR using this rubber knife pad and it'll be like you're stabbing them to life.

Oh yes. Like a medical knife for helping people. Yeah. Well, that's yeah, because did we discuss this about how like I think we have had something about stabbing control stabbing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 400 of something or maybe domesticated stabbing. Hmm. We adopted a stab. We didn't domesticated the knife and we were able to use it much like the deadly nightshade family. We were able to anyway. Sorry like the deadly nightshade family.

We were able to, anyway, sorry, I'll stop. Shade? So he said? Deadly knifeshade. That's right. Do you know that whole thing with like, you know, people saying like tomatoes and all that, there are the nightshades, they're the deadly nightshades. It all just comes from one of their relatives being a poisonous plant called the deadly nightshade. Yeah.

Then we have real, mathematic operators that combine you and maybe subtract you. Then we have the accounting origins of clown outfits. And we have the terrifying VHS of murder or stand-up set. And it turns out to be you. It was you all alone. We have saying I did a P.P. in my poo poo hole to the president. But what I wanted to finish, just as I was saying those words. So, very exciting.

For how that's gonna damage my relationship. That is exciting. Anyway. Saying I did a pp in my poopoo hole in front of the president in front of my beloved. Hello, I mean, goodbye. Thank you very much for listening. Andy. Well, you know, feel free to listen to more episodes.

You can. We should release an episode. There should be a podcasting platform, right? Where you can make GIF podcasts, where we'll structure it in such a way that it is impossible to tell where the podcast begins and ends. We'll make an arroborous podcast. We'll call it the arroborobcast, right?

And it's got its own sort of audio format where it loops infinitely, and the last idea that we come up with is the one that inspires the first idea that we come up with. It's basically teleport, but it's a podcast. Oh, I'm interested, but I can't figure out quite what you mean. So it's like, but there's no time and I don't and you shouldn't give a fuck out of the way I got what you go.

Andy, you can't peak my interest. And then you're going to give me blue brain. All right. Thank you very much for listening. It's great to be back doing regular episodes. I'm probably on a mountain somewhere. You know, excruciating pie. I get it. Take care everyone and we love you. Thanks so much for watching. We appreciate it. Bye.