Two In The Think Tank - 405 - "FLIES"

Episode Date: December 17, 2023

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I am Andy. Andy Matthews and I am Alistair George William Trombley Birchall. The other day I was messaging Andy and I was just sending him links to stuff about my great-grandpa. Yeah. And his first name is George and his middle name is William. Wow. Crazy coincidence. Or maybe it's genetic.

Who's to say? G-netic but spelledelt with a W Alistair Alistair Yeah I can't remember what it was your grandfather did That you sent me links to Great-grandfather Grandfather

Great-grandfather Great-grandfather Great-grandfather He Had Collected samples Of a lot of rare plants. And the official records that the government has of those plants were samples that were collected by him. And this is in Australia?

We are in the country of Australia, yeah. You recall now that I am Australian. Yeah, no, of course I recall. I just wasn't sure. I've never denied your Australian heritage. I think I'm very respectful of your Australian heritage. Andy, as a friend, I have to prod you sometimes just to see if you're getting dementia. I mean, I think we were both caring for each other in that moment i don't think that there's anything to worry about

well i i mean what i think is interesting right is i reckon there's a chance that your great grandfather knew my grandfather and possibly my grandmother because she was a botanist with the CSIRO and he was a soil scientist yeah it is possible were they around in like the 80s they may have crossed swords they might have crossed swords maybe at a urinal

or at a unisex you know sort of a public pissing pit do you think that there is a... Let me just picture this scenario. Okay, go for it. It's the This Is Sparta scene from 300. But there are elderly people

who are scientists in Australia. Okay. And instead of... This is a fun mental journey we're going. Yeah, great. Now, instead of kicking a guy into a big hole, that hole is a public urinal for men and women. It's a unisex pit.

It's a unisex piss pit, right? And instead of saying, this is Sparta, he says, I'm going to take a piss. And then he goes and pisses in the big hole. And then the other person, who is now a woman, bends forward and then pisses backwards. I don't know if that can happen.

But everybody's just pissing. And they say, this is the CSIRO. No. So nobody gets kicked into the pit, just to be clear. Nobody falls into the pit. It's just... It's a slightly different context. Slightly, but with enough parallels to really make you ask a lot of questions. Yeah, one is your grandmother, one is my grandfather.

Is this a Sparta? Is this a... This is this a this is spotter reference and and you know and but instead of the power difference coming from you know one being the king or the leader of whatever some thing one is older than the other and has been collecting seeds for a long time because he has his own seed business. How great is it that my great-grandfather created a seed business?

Because then all he had to do was just go into the bush and just be like, oh, there's that, you know, like Prolantia garanthiana, and then he would go in and collect its seeds, and then he'd have something to sell. It's a great business. But then, like, apparently, he was selling things to, like,

the governments across the, like, in the world. Like, the French government, the Israeli government. Things like that. So, like, if you go to Israel and there are like eucalypts there then there's a chance that they were the seeds of those were collected by my great grandfather

it's fantastic it's amazing like he's he has been you know he's like a Johnny Appleseed a Georgie Altafied He's like a Johnny Appleseed. A Georgie Altafereed. Georgie Altafere. Anyway, none of this is a sketch on you, Andy. I'm so sorry.

What I was thinking earlier was when you were talking about the kicking people into, or not kicking, the pissing into the piss hole. Yeah. It made me think that's a beautiful parallel to your other idea that you've done in stand-up and also maybe talked about on the podcast, which is taking the act of making love and slowly replacing bits of it with bits of the experience of lovemaking

with other objects. That was a two-in-the-think-tank idea. Right. Well, there you go. You get to the point where instead of placing your genitals inside another person's genital organ, you're throwing a dog calendar across an open field or something like that. But then you're asking the question, well, is that still a sex act?

You've slowly been replacing things with other things. asking the question well is that still a sex act you've slowly been replacing things with other things but yeah this is um but this is like uh that but with instead of sex it's the kicking into a pit scene from sparta we're slowly replacing bits of it ah now it's no longer kicking now it's pissing now it's not exactly no longer in sparta it's in the csiro but do you think if people saw it they would still recognize something of that essential essence and would still be able to derive that same kind of this is sparta thrill yes i think so like theseus's pisshole i don't think you could call it Theseus' piss hole. You'd have to call it Theseus' Sparta pit.

This is Sparta. Yeah. Kick pit. Yeah, all right. Look, it feels like you've talked about it for long enough that we can turn it into a thing. Okay, great. All right, Alistair.

I mean, I apologize. How about this, though? Andy, I'm adding it to the amount. Okay, great. All right, Alistair. I mean, I apologize. How about this, though? Andy, I'm adding it to the amount of time that I spoke about it, of course. All right. This is my idea. I'm going to pitch this, and this is going to become a real thing

because this is such a good idea, right? This is augmented reality pissing, all right? And it's possibly, maybe it turns pissing into a multiplayer thing what it means is that basically and it's got an avatar element in it as well i like an it's an m m m o r p and the p is for piss yeah great um the the the p stands for piss now But what it is, is every person who signs up to this thing, this service, has a... So far, I think it has to be men, I'm sorry,

or people with penises. It doesn't have to be men, but I think you have to have a penis of some kind to participate. Andy, so far, I hate it. i want you to know that you know right but what it has is it has that you have a small mechanical thing that attaches but i want you to know that i'm just saying that publicly because i know i'm going to benefit tremendously from this right okay you you attach a mechanical thing which is allows your penis to be aimed via a series of little servo motors and pistons and that sort of thing, right?

So it can be aimed mechanically. Okay, yeah, yeah. And then that is connected to a 5G network, right? Which means that people can log on and gain control of, whenever you go for a piss, right? People can log on and gain control of your penis, right? Sure, piss and direct it anywhere they want. They can direct the stream, okay?

And there are, I guess, there'd be a camera somewhere there on the tip of the penis as well. You could post ads online that say, become a real life director. Yeah. Like that. And people will click on it thinking that they're going to become a film director. But actually what they're going to become is the director where your penis is pissing.

Yeah, really good. Maybe you could even put the word streaming in there. Streaming service looking for new directors, right? They think it's going to be streaming like Netflix is streaming, but actually it's a stream of piss. That's right. And you can charge a $25

like application fee. And people write down their whole CVv and stuff like that and then you get it you don't even have to look at it and then they go you've been accepted and they look great and they thought here's your chance to direct now and then you just see the metal of the in there it's a first person shooter all right so you just see a bit of the shaft of the penis there the tip of the penis and you're you're aiming it and maybe there's augmented reality things so like all around the

urinal i assume you're at a urinal but you could be anywhere there are um it puts in little characters that you've got to try and piss at i think this could be big yeah i mean i think that um i think that this would be also great as a self-defense thing yeah go on that the device that the device is is sold to you as a you know maybe as a multi-purpose device you know nobody likes a one-purpose device these days. Not anymore, no. It's not one, it's not three things, it's one thing. It's one thing, yes, but the one thing

does more than three things. Or more, yeah, good. It's not one thing, but it's not three things, it's one thing, but it's not one thing in many ways, it's three things. And I think that if there was a sort of a computer thing, many-wise, it's three things. And I think that if there was a sort of a computer

vision thing around your head that could constantly aim your penis at threats that way that anytime someone is close and gets too close, you could just start pissing.

And it could even lower your pants for you. Yeah. You know what I think? You know what I mean? Like, quick draw. Yeah, absolutely. Or, you know, I guess unfurl the fly. It would be good to have a little sort of a turret-type thing

that slides open. Yeah, even over your back. Over your back. Like, over your back. Over your back. Like over your shoulder. If there was a way that you could, it would just point it at somebody who's maybe behind you. But it just points it up towards your back shoulder. But then there's like a little flipper on your shoulder. To deflect it.

That when the piss arrives, it goes and it hits it even further. Gives it a little extra boost. Yeah. Yeah, that is a good idea. And I don't think we've overcomplicated the idea. Thank you. I'm so glad that you actually said that because i was worried that we had well i mean obviously i think you know some people might be listening and thinking

well andy's original piss aiming idea had a beautiful simplicity to it andy andy other people but i don't like to think that i'm i'm stepping on it and i'm agreeing with you, Alistair. I was just only bringing this up and that people might be thinking that so that I could tell what fucking idiots they are. Yes, thank you for bringing that up. Thank you. Because actually, it's actually not often on the pod

that we bring up enough how much of a fucking idiot some of the audience is. I think it constantly. Yeah. So thank you for bringing that up. But I just think I'm doing a bit of extra work, sort of essentially creating new markets for your device so that if it doesn't you know this feels like almost something you could sell militarily you know as a last resort sort of thing

if somebody is in a fight you know and they lose they run out of bullets maybe they lose both their arms they lose both their arms maybe they lose lose their legs. This would have been perfect. We could use the Black Knight from Monty Python to advertise this thing. You know, they they're about to cut off his head. Yes. And then you see

the shine of a camera inside of his helmet. Go twinkle inside there. And you go, wait, what's that? And then two little robotic hands pull his pants down,

revealing a robotic penis-directing device that is directing a piss shooter known as the penis or a female urethra, which I like to think, you know, like Metroid, I like to think that maybe the Black Knight was a woman. That's interesting. And then they start to piss and they all die.

All of the enemies die. Now, if you were saying we could use this, would you go back to the original footage of The Black Knight and would you try and add this in using sort of modern techniques? Maybe we could even get John Cleese's actual penis. Use some of that de-aging technology that they used on Robert De Niro's face for the Irishman. Apply that. Because people, I think if you used somebody else's penis, you know, Andy Serkis' penis.

That's right. Put that on the Dark Knight. People will know straight away. Well, people would be outraged. We could still probably have Andy Serkis act the penis movements. Sure. Yes, well, just to provide a framework onto which we can map. We have an incredibly hyper-realistic 3D image of John Cleese's real penis,

which we have de-aged, not too far. You've got to be careful. It looks tremendously young like Robert De Niro's face. Yes. The corners of the mouth of the penis

are curled downwards like this, going you're talking to me, like that. They're not saying you're talking to me, but they're implying with their curled downness it's like this going you talking to me? Like that. They're not saying you talking to me but they're implying with their curled down-ness. Do you think that possibly Robert De Niro's penis, the slit, goes horizontally and is curved down

a bit like that? Are you talking about Robert De Niro's piss slit? His piss slit, yeah. He has a horizontal piss slit and it just goes down at the sides. Yes, but I think that it actually stays horizontal at all times. Yeah. You know, like a cat falling.

Like it has that kind of mechanism in it. Oh, wow. Incredible. Sort of almost a gyroscopic thing. So relative to the ground, wow. Incredible. Sort of almost a gyroscopic thing. So, relative to the ground, it maintains horizontal, regardless of the orientation of Robert De Niro himself.

Yeah, I think that he has a kind of like an oozy floating middle of his penis head. An oozy floating middle? Yeah, that allows his head to spin on a gimbal And kind of always, always, yeah, always maintain a horizontalness

I mean, that would be fantastic Do you think if we could get an interview with him and ask him? Andy, I think it's getting more and more possible He will take on almost any job these days. He says yes to a lot of things and he seems to really like doing comedies. Yeah, and I think I've seen today from trying to write a trivia question

that he does have his own branded alcohol. Well, there you go. And I think that, you know, he'd probably be willing to do an interview to promote his alcohol. Well, there you go. And I think that he'd probably be willing to do an interview to promote his alcohol. Is it called Robert De Niro? I don't think so. I think it's got some dumber name.

Wow. He has VDKA 6100 vodka. That's a New Zealand whey-based vodka partly owned by Robert De Niro. My goodness. Okay. VDKA 6100. That's a really good name.

Do you think that when somebody pitched that in the meeting, everybody nodded, they put their heads down and said, that's a day. We got it. Stop. We can it. Stop. We can all stop working today. Good work. It's incredible.

Today I found out that Grey Poupon, you probably don't know about Grey Poupon. Type of mustard? Yeah. They have their own wine. Ah.

Okay. Grey Poupon has its own wine. Ah, okay. Grey Poupon has its own wine. Here's something I realised today about wine. Yeah? Vintage, the word vintage, probably comes from that, like wine. Because you always talk about the vintage of wine. It probably just means like wine age, right? Yeah, I think you're probably right.

I don't know where the T comes from, but like... No. But... Oh. And then so like when you... Maybe the word... Now when we talk about like a vintage car or something, we're like using this wine word, wine age of the car.

Yeah. Or the wine age, like dog years. Yeah, yeah, like dog years. Like, is this car sort of still pretty tanniny? Dog years is a great comic concept, but I feel like we've probably mined that for everything that it has. All the various twists and turns of dog years. Well, we've had, you know, Dave Quirk did a good bit about it, dog years.

But, I mean, I guess in the end it was about dog years. Dog years, was it? Yeah. Well, that's what his bit ended up being about. Because somebody in the crowd had misheard him. That's a good bit, Dave Quirk. That's a good bit, Dave Quirk. It was a good bit by Dave Quirk. Dog weeks.

People talk about dog weeks and dog seconds. I mean, is there anything that dogs have more than us? Dog financial years? Or something that they have less of. So I guess there's in a way there'd be dog intelligence. of that then so like i guess there's in a way there'd be dog intelligence you know that you could so you could say well actually one unit of intelligence is actually worth seven dog units of intelligence so let's say like you ask a dog how many um let's say you just go, if you could go find your dog Banjo and you could say, how much is 31 plus 47?

Yeah, okay. Right? And then whatever you see him do, just find... Multiply that by a seven. Well, no, yeah, but or just find what the differential is between what he did and the actual answer.

And the actual answer. And that will probably reveal to you the multiple or the plus amount. So let's say, for example... The dogs are less intelligent. Right. I ask the dog, what is 41 plus 37, right? Yeah. And the dog does something it does a lot, which is scratch on the end of the cupboard near the door

to be let outside. So I'll throw his ball. How many times does it scratch? But I don't know if it's how many times, right? I think what I need to just find is what is the ratio between what is it 88 is that what the thing was 78 and uh scratching on a cupboard right so i just divide 78 by scratching on a cupboard and that is the uh the correct answer you know yeah this is another one of those great ideas that we have that relies on applying mathematics to

things that mathematics cannot be applied to and the hilarious consequences you know it felt like you were playing the role of alistair there trying to make it impossible and i was playing the role of let's find a way to just make it to interpret whatever they do. Like you could just count the number of things that it do. You're the one who's misinterpreting what he's saying as going outside. He's found a thing to rub on. Is that banjo right now?

That's banjo barking right now. Count the barks. Oh, my God. 78 barks. That's banjo barking right now. Count the barks. Oh, my God. 78 barks. That was so much. It's one to one. It's one to one. The relationship is one to one.

I'm going to try this again. Yeah? Do you have any relationships that are one to one? Yeah, me and my beloved. Yeah. But it's not really one toto-one, it's like one-to-five. Yeah. Well, yeah, especially because I consider them all to be on a team against me. That's why I said one-two rather than one, you know, what I really meant was one versus. One versus. One versus.

One against five. Could you picture a long relationship that was a battle? Like an alternative to the healthy relationship where two people come together and just try to make each other's lives better than if they had ever met each other. Yeah. Right?

Is there a way that you could make your lives better than they were if you'd ever met each other? But it's competitive. Well, what about this? And against each other. It's enemy weddings, right? Okay. You meet somebody and you don't like them, right? But you want to take things to the next level

and you want them to become your nemesis, okay? Then you have an enemy wedding, right? And you get all your respective families together there in the house of god and you swear to be one another's sole nemesis for the rest of your life till till death do you part preferably death by my hand you bastard it's crazy that guys are already wearing black in a on your on your usual it's perfect yeah on your usual sort of love wedding you think guys should be in white as well?

be nice maybe just to show that they're pure it actually looked fucking cool I love a white suit yeah but okay so like enemy wedding what about an enemy funeral so that you can have a funeral for that, you know,

because a lot of the time people say, I don't want my enemy at my funeral. Yeah. Right, this person who wronged me, this person who made my life a living hell. Right. I don't want them at my funeral. Is that because you want to outlive them? You want to be at their funeral? No, but sometimes it's because they're, through no fault of your own,

they're still in your life, even though they've wronged you in some terrible way. And you can say to somebody who you care about, never let that person come to my funeral. Yeah. Right? But then it would be nice if there was a place that all the people who you don't like

something that they could attend yeah some kind of celebration well do they not like you well I think that they may have just done something wrong to you so maybe they liked you too much

maybe they don't like So maybe they liked you too much. Maybe they don't like you. Maybe they just don't like losing. And you got in their way. I'm trying to picture what this would be like. Would this be like not getting a ticket to the

main funeral? You can't go in to see the game live at Rod Laver Arena, but you can watch it on a big screen at Fed Square. I don't think you're allowed to see the regular funeral. Right. It's a different, it's a completely different ceremony.

Yeah. Hmm. And what, well, what would it, what would it contain? I mean, I guess it could just be a funeral for all the people who I didn't want at my funeral.

And so you invite them to a different funeral. Yeah, well, I mean, that's interesting because people might not realize that you didn't want them at the funeral. They might just think they didn't get invited. So it would be good to have a specific event that you could explicitly invite them to that made it clear to them that they were not invited to the funeral. That this is, you're invited to not my funeral. Okay? It's called a not my funeral.

Well, yeah. I mean, I guess it also makes sense that you're different people in front of different people. And so, you should have multiple funerals for all the kind of personalities you have. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah.

You know, because... All the parts of you. The person... Now a funeral for the person I pretended to be around my parents. Yeah, exactly. So, like, you go, anyway, so he never sweared. Never sweared. And he was a good boy.

He always drank in moderation. And he was very nice. That's really good. Look, I don't know. I'm just writing down. Can you please write down my enemy wedding idea, Alastair? If you have not already. Andy, do you think I wouldn't have written that down?

Look, we had moved on, and I didn't detect a high degree of enthusiasm from you for that idea. But I did like the idea, and I would like to make a personal appeal, like when a celebrity asks to get their child into an expensive university. I would like to personally approach you and request that my enemy wedding idea.

Yeah. Yeah. It'd be great if instead of... You may now kick the bride, that's what they say, at the end of the enemy wedding. Also, they're still a bride and groom. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

They're not a broom and bride. And I believe that enemy weddings are between a man and a woman. Oh, you think that enemy weddings are just between a man and a woman? That's right. I firmly believe that. I'm very old-fashioned in that way. What about this idea? It's, you know,

instead of just having a waist hole, it's... God, you have a hole that... No, you don't even... Like, I mean, I guess this is still we involve a hole but let's say your pinky instead of like let's say so so shit still accumulates in your rectum and all that kind of stuff but let's say there was like a you could get this like little like catfish like

little slug that you could just allow to suck on your pinky finger yeah right and it would just it loves that stuff it needs that stuff to live right it's not all waste it's just waste to us yeah absolutely you know otherwise flies wouldn't be landing all over it and stuff right exactly it seems like it's useful to somebody yeah i mean i wonder if you could just have all the maggots in your butt hole, right? Eating the poo in the butt. That's a great idea. And then you wouldn't have to shit it out. All the flies could just be in there.

A whole lot of flies could come out. Instead of shit. Well, it's a clean... It involves less wiping. If you could just put your butt out the window... It's actually really disgusting. If you put your butt out the window and it would just allow some flies out.

Oh, it's such a good idea. Like that. But then it keeps enough maggots in there that will eventually turn into flies. Yeah. Like the life cycle is just let the flies out every day or so. Are you regular? Yeah, I let my flies out usually at 9am. Like clockwork.

Like clockwork. Yeah, it's really nice. So you'd go into the toilet, but then you'd stand up on the top of the cistern, open the window, and fart out a whole lot of flies into the atmosphere. Yeah, you just have to wait. You could feel them coming.

Oh, I bet you could. to wait you could feel them'd be harder in apartment living not harder it would be the same amount of difficulty but it would just be like you know that people would be filming you from other apartments it doesn't have to be a transparent i guess yeah okay right i was gonna say it doesn't have to be transparent window but it's literally an opening isn't it it has to be there has to be space for the it's an open window yeah i'm sure this is something you could do you could just build a little sort of like box around it outside yeah it's a closed off like bamboo area you know that that kind of but the thing is that you don't want them to fly back into the house yeah well look culture would catch up with this right right? With every new invention, right?

There are always flaws. But if the idea is good enough, you know, it'll overcome those kinds of things. Just like ride-sharing apps, okay? And this idea is good enough. I feel confident that. Well, it's already better because you're saving on water consumption. That's huge. Huge. Huge.

Yeah. And you need that to live, water. You don't need fly shit to live. And the vitamins don't get lost. So those flies will go out and they'll die somewhere. And so those vitamins can still go back into the soil. Yeah. Yeah, man. It into the soil. Yeah. Yeah, man.

It's really exciting. Yeah. I mean, what we've invented really, I think, is intestinal worms, right? And flies. But these are very specific. And I think what you'd have to have is you'd have to have some sort of special little fence or something, like you would to corral your sheep into a particular paddock. There'd be some sort of colonic fence,

something that blocks off, that allows poop to get through to feed the maggots, but stops the maggots from going any deeper into your intestines. You'd have a special little wire fence, maggot size, maggot grade. I don't know why they would want to go up any further. They're having food delivered to them. What could they want?

They've got everything. It's like a company that delivers food being like, we've got to do something to stop people from moving into our restaurant. From people coming into the factory.

Coming into the dispatch centre. They're going to want to live right near the place where the food is made, on the bench. If we could stop them. Because, look, they're having food directed to them. Well, if you feed them, they're going to think that you're going to do that all the time and they're going to keep...

They're going to think that you're going to do that all the time and they're going to keep, they're going to expect it. And they're going to keep paying for food but they're probably going to get closer and closer. Until they're in the kitchen. Do you kind of see what I'm doing here? Yeah, yeah, no, I agree.

But you know like when you feed a dog or something, some stray dog and they're like, if you feed it it's going to keep coming back. But it's somebody at a restaurant going, if we keep letting these people buy food, they're going to keep coming back. Yeah. Don't feed them.

Don't feed them. They'll become dependent on you. Yeah. They're not going to be able to live out in nature. become dependent on you. Yeah. They're not going to be able to live out in nature. Yeah, it was a really awful thing in Tasmania where people feeding marsupials bread

would lead to them having this condition called lumpy jaw. Oh, no. Their bones get all fucked and stuff. I don't know how it happens. I don't know how eating bread leads to their bones in their mouth getting all porous and misshapen and then they die. But it was really, real yuck. Alice there?

I'm sorry I brought that up. No, no, no. But this was happening everywhere? Yeah, I think it was a real like big problem. People feeding native animals a lot of bread. And they loved the bread. Were they giving them sort of sourdough when the crust was a bit too chewy?

I think it was the exact opposite kind of problem. I think that it was too easy for them to eat maybe. But I don't know why that would like the jaw doesn't wouldn't go like i like how soft this bread is i should also be soft to be more like the bread that i love i should i should give up all right they don't need me anymore that's it the bread the bread i'm out of here and then he'd go and join like some hardworking animal's jaw. Yeah, I'm not respected around these parts. What do you think is the hardest working jaw in the animal kingdom? The hardest working jaw.

I was up in a tree the other day. So I sit up in a tree to do my work, Al my work. Do you know this about me? I take my laptop up into a tree and I sit in the branches of the tree. How high up? What's the highest you've ever been to do any kind of work? I think I don't work higher than about three meters high, maybe three and a half meters up in the tree, right? There's a really good branch. Sounds like you're just sitting in like a lifesaver's chair. It would be a lot like that yeah it would be okay uh and the cows in the paddock next door i could hear them chewing

and it was a very satisfying sound and like i think we should add to the... And very soothing. We should add to the suite of sounds that we consider to be like good listening music while you're working. Things like white noise and then lo-fi hip-hop beats and I don't know, what other...

Rainforest beach noises. Rainforest beach. We should add cows chomping. And so what were they eating? They were just eating either fresh grass or regurgitated cud? I didn't get, I'm not sure if I was listening to the cud being chewed.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But I love the sound of them ripping out the grass and chomping. Oh yeah. Breaking through the grass and chomping. Oh, yeah. Breaking through the grass blades. It's really good. Okay. That was a hard-working jaw.

Have you ever satisfied a cow's jaw by giving it celery? Do you think that would be also included? I think that would sound incredible. I think there should be... Do you think they just have a better sort of resonance chamber? ...of people blending anything. There should be a video channel of people feeding every different texture of food to a cow

so that we can listen to it chomp. So like raw pasta? Yeah. Yeah, if that's ethical, absolutely. I imagine, like, if you grab a big fistful of pasta, right? So you've got a long, you know, all those pasta sticks, spaghetti, fettuccine, you can do all of them, holding them in your hand there and offering that to a cow. The sound of the cow chomping through all of that would be incredible.

Yeah. I really want this we should make this would fucking go off on tiktok absolutely but like you know kind of like will it will it blend or like will it um you know will it be crushed or whatever but if you know imagine if you could just do like hey what does it sound like when a cow eats this pillow? What would it sound like if a cow was eating my hand? I mean, I personally don't think it needs to. I think for me, the idea is it's eating edible things, and they're healthy for the cow, and they're not parts of your body, part of Alistair. If you want to build a cow, maybe a robotic cow.

I don't want to build a robotic cow. So that people can experience the cow eating anything at all, then I'll allow it. You want it to be a real cow. The thing is that a goat would do that naturally. A goat would do that. That's what you could say to pressure the cow into eating. You could say a goat would eat this.

You want me to call a goat? I would spend my first 10 years, I guess, pressuring a cow into being more like a goat. And then I would probably spend my next 10 years trying to breed a goat with a cow. And then I would probably spend my next 10 years trying to breed a goat with a cow. And then I would probably spend my next 10 years hiding inedible things under edible foods. And hoping that the cow just picks up both at the same time with the carelessness of having just a mouth. It's amazing that you didn't come to

that idea until 20 years in. You spent 10 years trying to get a cow to go to make love. I was giving it a chance to do the right thing. You think that's the right thing? Yeah, that's right. Why would I work for 20 years on it, Andy?

You wouldn't initially. I'm not going to go to deception straight away. That's not my instinct. I'm going to give you the opportunity to be successful through your own choices. And then later on, I will use deception. Cow choices. Through your own cow choices. Andy, we probably have over five ideas.

Dear God, some of these have not felt good. No, that's okay. Here we are. It's lead up to Christmas. We're in some of our tiredest periods. We're about to hibernate. So we're going to go to three words from a listener. Do you know the listener Lizzie?

Lizzie? I think I might know Lizzie. Yeah, Lizzie. From the Two and the Think Tank Discord. Is this a new... I think Lizzie has only just joined the Patreon. Welcome, Lizzie. Thank you, Lizzie.

Welcome, Lizzie. We've fast-tracked you to the front of the list. Just so that we could, that we could get some fresh blood in the three words kind of scenario. Is it a scenario? Welcome to the three word scenario. Andy, what would your guess

as to what one of the three words would be? Plasma. And is that the first, second second or third word you're thinking? I'm doing them in alphabetical order this time Plasma is the first word alphabetically Okay Wow, it's going to be a late alphabetical series Yeah, I know I've really put the pressure on myself

No First word is not plasma The first word is angry angry well alphabet is that alpha first word alphabetically uh yeah it actually is the first word alphabetically great okay angry okay the second word first word alphabetically quench second word is quench quench quench or wench quench quench oh i'm sorry indeed no the second word is quench. What's that? Quench. Quench or wench? Quench. Quench. Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. No, the second word is angry. Angry.

Angry. Third word, wench. It's the third word, wench. You're guessing that is the third word? Yeah. I'm sorry, Andy. Andy. The third word is hippos. Angry, angry hippos. Really good.

It's just like hungry, hungry hippos. Oh, yeah. The hippos are actually really full. They couldn't eat another bite. But. Got little objects in front of them. They couldn't eat another bite, but the little objects in front of them, they couldn't eat another but. The objects in front of them are not balls, which we know that are what hippopotamuses eat in the wild. That's what they want.

They eat balls, but now they are small boats full of, I guess, fishermen or something like that, that have blundered into the hippopotamus' native environment. And they don't want to swallow the balls, but they do want to smash up the boats and kill the men. I mean, it does sound like it's just a documentary about how they're the worst killers in all of Africa. Apparently that's nowhere near true. That's a complete bullshit fact, apparently.

Bullshit fact. I think lions kill way more people than hippos in Africa. I mean, like, even snakes would probably... Oh yeah, I'm sure snakes kill heaps more as well. How do you feel about people who include the mosquito in the list of the most dangerous animals? Of course that counts. You think that does count?

Yeah. Because that feels like something that you would have an issue with because the mosquito is just carrying a a parasite right it's not even the mosquito itself that's actually killing anything that would be like saying we should include all diseases that are animal that are living thing born. I mean, maybe. Yeah, why not? Right? Because that would be like saying people are killed by horses, when really it is people riding on horses, swinging swords, right, that are decapitating everybody.

But then you're like, that horse just killed that man. Like, that horse just killed that man. Well, I mean, I think because, like, let's say you're thinking of, like, what's a disease that you're worried about that could kill you that, you know, that is, like, caused by some bacteria or virus? Say the coronavirus. Right? Keep this topical. The coronavirus.

COVID-19. Say it was the coronavirus right keep this topical the coronavirus covid 19 say it was the coronavirus right so with the mosquito let's say it was capable of carrying the coronavirus or or whatever then you can stop it by just swatting a mosquito right now if there was an option like that with men with human beings with no well like with um coronavirus where you could somehow i guess you would just swat them kill them you could kill the men who get close to you so that you could stop that disease from getting into you a far better example for me i suppose would have been to say that if mosquitoes are the most dangerous animals because they spread diseases, and actually the most dangerous animal is man, because I'm sure we get more deadly diseases off each other than we do off mosquitoes. Do you reckon?

I mean, look, it goes mosquitoes, snakes, dogs. I mean, how many diseases do you catch from other humans that kill you? Hmm. Like, I think the fact that the mosquitoes carry something that is deadly. Like, okay, so mosquitoes, snakes, dogs. And that goes from a million to 100,000 to 30,000. I think you get more diseases of people that can kill you. Yes, I know, but we're not getting diseases that kill us from people.

What about AIDS? I know, but that's not that big a deal here at the moment. But neither is malaria yes okay so most deadly diseases all right let's see okay top 10 deadliest diseases in the world we got ischemic ischemic heart disease or coronary artery disease. So that's you doing that to yourself. Yeah, most dangerous animal is man. And where do you get the food that gives you the heart disease

that's carried by a man to your table? Then we have lower respiratory infections. Influenza or flu and stuff. Where do you get those from? Man. So yeah, maybe. Look, maybe that does it. Maybe you're right.

But this is worldwide. I think I've got a good... I think I have a convincing case to make that the mosquito has been unfairly placed at the top of this list. But it still is stoppable by that the mosquito has been unfairly placed at the top of this list. But it still is stoppable by stopping the mosquito. Sure, and stopping you from getting

flu is stoppable by shooting any person who comes near you. Then you go, oh well, when a dog kills me it's just its teeth killing me. It's actually the rest of the dog is fine. It's just that the dog is carrying the teeth to me. It's actually the rest of the dog is fine. It's just that the dog is carrying the teeth to me. The dog could come close to me, but it better not bring its teeth. The hippopotamus is actually innocent. It is only the force that it carries as its jaw crushes my skull it's actually the momentum it's actually the

yeah no you're probably right probably force is a better better concept the car did not kill the person in the car crash it was the kinetic energy stored in the car i just want you to know that hippopotamuses are equal with elephants, which are both at 500. And then it's lions at 250. Crocodiles are at 1,000, but this is all worldwide. Yeah, right. But somewhere in there,

there's tapeworms that are 700. There's tsetse flies that are at 10,000. Assassin bugs are at 12. Freshwater snails kill 20, 12. Freshwater snails kill 20,000. Freshwater snails? How? Yeah.

I don't know how that happens, but I... God, I don't want that. Okay. They're probably just carrying something to you. They contracted the infection. Oh, Andy, that's not them. It's just the infection.

It's not the snails. Wait. So they're found to be innocent. It's not actually the stabbing that kills you. It's the blood loss from the stabbing. Why snails are some of the world's deadliest creatures? It's not the knife going into you that kills you. It's the blood going out.

You're killing yourself. Let's see. Anyway. Angry, angry hippos. So wait, why is the... The freshwater snail, here it says, is responsible for more than 200,000 a year.

Yeah, I think so. They carry a parasitic disease called schiztosomiasis, which infects nearly 250 million people. Whoa. And it's one of the most deadly parasites. Yuck. Yeah. Do you think that they would make a...

I'm sure somewhere somebody has bought the rights to Hungry Hungry Hippos for a video, for a film, to turn into a movie, right? But you know what would be great is starting to use some of the world's most deadliest animals against each other. So carrying a bunch of these snails

and throwing them into the mouths of hippos that are trying to get you. Sure. It's biocontrol. What do they call that thing when they try to bring out cane toads to eat the cane beetles? Biocontrol.

Something like that. You're trying to use the things in nature eat the cane beetles. Biocontrol. Something like that. You're trying to use the things in nature to control it. So I think keeping a pocket full of freshwater snails to try and give parasitic infections to any angry hippos, brilliant idea. Really good. Against dogs, use it against... And a pocket full of hippos to throw at any mosquitoes coming near you. Or snakes.

What are we writing down as a sketch idea? Oh, Alistair, I'm not feeling good. Okay. Angry, angry hippos. It makes me think of those hippopotamuses that Pablo Escobar introduced to South America and have since become a pest species. Yeah, I like those a lot. I like them a lot as well.

So then they live... I mean, I think that hippos should have been a South American animal anyway. It feels right, doesn't it? It feels right. It feels right, doesn't it? It feels right. It feels like an imbalance. You know, you're actually just correcting a mistake. Yeah, exactly.

Something has been fixed in nature. It's one of the greatest justices in history. Because we're also saying that hippos don't belong there based off of some snapshot. You know, like we're saying, oh, well, this is different based on the time when we first started looking. Right.

But that's also, you know, like that's different based on different times and throughout the last four billion years when you look. If you'd initially looked at the Earth, you would have said, well, life shouldn't be here at all. Shouldn't be here at all.

All life is introduced, if you ask me. All species are introduced species. How long do you have to be in a place before you become a local? I haven't been introduced. Introduced. before you become a local? I haven't been introduced.

Angry, angry hippos. Do you think that they could, instead of trying to scoop up balls with their mouth... Isn't it crazy that people know the names of cane toads, but do you know the names of any native toads? Right? Isn't that crazy? And you know why? It's because they haven't been introduced uh what about the um almost there yeah okay it was a good bit i was just trying to the corroboree

frog that's true um what about this it's an update to the hungry hungry hippos game where instead of eating food it's the angry angry hippos game and instead of eating balls you don't even drop any balls in the middle yeah just the the hippos have to just take some big deep breaths to calm down yeah that, that's good. What about angry, angry hippos and the balls are inside the mouths of the hippos already, right? And you have to try and get them out

with your fingers. That's what they're angry about. That's what they're angry about. You keep stealing their food. You fed them balls. Right? And these, well, yeah, maybe you fed them balls,

but I think it's that you keep trying to steal their food. So they're chomping, and this little game that we've got, we've used, we probably contacted Dyson, right, and used some of their technology to get an incredible biting force on these hippos. So they will, like, take off your fingers. So let's get the balls out of their face. So you can actually lose your finger in this family game.

Mate, you can lose your whole arm. But is this something that you're going to sell to Milton Bradley? Not Milton Bradley, no. I'm taking this straight to Mattel. I'm not interested in Milton Bradley. So what am I writing down, Andy?

I don't know. Angry, angry hippos where you've got to get the balls out of their mouths and they will bite off your fingers. I think you could film this as a sketch, right? This is like how the Americans thought, oh, let's film a real version of squid game mmm yeah all right I read a review that said it was really good then the American version of it yeah okay well great but I haven't seen

the original and the original was a fiction show. Yeah, I know. So it's not like they're the same thing. No. You should watch the original. I should watch the original. But it sounds stressful. Just watch the first episode.

Okay. Is it good? I mean, you know, it's interesting. I'll take it. I don't think it was terrible.

I just don't remember. Alistair? Is 25th Hour good? It's my favourite film. I've seen it once. Favourite film? Can you take us through the sketch ideas,

Alistair, such as they are? All right, here we go. Thank you for your service. We have Theseus's Sparta

Pisshole. No, sorry. Sorry, Theseus's Sparta Pithole, which is the CSIRO

Pisshole. Yeah, great. Then we have the Piss Directing Device. People can pay to direct. I think that's good. That's kind of close to what you were intending.

I'm not sure if I wrote it down right. No, no, that's great. Then we have the self-defense piss directing machine. Then we have the dog intelligence. Yes. And then we have multiple funerals for your multiple personalities. All the parts of yourself. And we have the enemy wedding.

Yes. We have pooping flies instead of the other stuff. We have the don't feed restaurant. Wait. What is that? Don't feed restaurant? Don't feed the customers. They'll just keep coming.

Oh, yeah. Don't feed. Yeah. Because customers will keep coming back and they'll become dependent. And then we have the angry, angry hippos, which i've just written down angry hippos which is where you try to get the balls out of their mouth their angry mouth they're basically rat traps using that same technology yeah but it's a good way you can just repackage the same game more or less yeah and then you just get to get just you just change the instructions a little bit

get your finger involved. Look, I think you could probably do one and do this as a real thing where you're just not using your actual fingers. Or maybe you are. They just don't chop your fingers off. Okay. I think if you could do that, people might actually buy it. Sure.

Alistair. Andy, what do you think? Was that one of our best episodes ever? I think that might be the best episode ever. Yeah. Great to still be peaking during season four or five, depending on what you think this is. Thank you, listeners.

Thank you, listeners. Thank you, Lizzie, for the words. Thank you. Thank you, everyone who supports us on Patreon. Thank you, everybody who supports us. Thank you to Alistair. Thank you to Andy. us on Patreon. Thank you everybody who supports us on Patreon. Thank you to Alistair. Thank you to Andy. You know, being patient and having me over to his house today.

We have to do the music song and then before we can go and say we love them. Yeah, I know. Okay. Thank you so much, everybody. My God. My God, the things you put up with. My God. I've got a good feeling about the next episode, though.

I got a really good feeling about it. That we won't be doing it at 9.50 at night. After you've already exhausted Alistair. Yeah. And I've got more work to do. Anyway, Andy, take care. It's been lovely to speak to you. Thank you. And also with you.

And with you. And we love you. You. Thank you. Bye.